Original subtitles

LANA [WHISPERING]: Wait, here's an idea:

You talk louder, maybe they'll come to us.

We'd lose the element of surprise, Lana.

That was sarcasm.

No way, really? Because so was that, just now.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] I pretty much insist that you shut up.

Shit, they're in the armory.

Good, we got them.

This is the only way out. Of the armory.

I heard you. And I can also read, so...

So, what's in the armory?

Burglars, Lana, that's why I'm here and not up to my ears in stewardess.

What else is in the armory?

Well, a bunch of automatic weapons, rocket launchers...

...uh, about a jillion grenades... Oh.

They may have fire superiority. You think?

For all we know they're building a Gundam suit with bazookas for hands.

Really wish we had some backup. Who, Cyril?

Or, oh, maybe Ray could run over them with his wheelchair.

That was also sarcasm, since apparently now we're saying whenever we do it.

Are you ready? No.

Sarcasm again. Yes, I'm ready.

[RATTLING]

What are you doing? Nothing!

LANA: Archer! What...

...the hell are you doing? Nothing. What're y'all doing?

The alarm company called us because the motion sensors were going off.

Dukes. Yeah, we got new keycodes Monday...

...but you were... Where was it? Physical therapy.

For your limp, useless legs.

Well, it's obviously working, you're on a...

Wait a minute! How are you walking around on ladders?

Because he's not paralyzed! And is that not the stuff of miracles?

You lying little... I never said I was paralyzed!

Y'all just assumed I was!

Because you left the hospital in a wheelchair!

They make you!

Then I couldn't get a cab, so I got back in the chair and...

Spent the last six months pretending to be handicapped.

Handi-capable.

Before I kick this ladder over in the hopes of paralyzing you for real...

...why are you in here stealing guns and grenades...

...in what better not be my night-vision goggles?

I kind of have some family problems.

So your brother, the drug dealer... He's not a drug dealer! He's a drug farmer.

Whatever, is gonna be murdered by your hometown's crooked sheriff?

E.Z. Ponder, yeah, and he used to bully me so bad in high school...

No! Ray, that was sarcasm.

Anyway, he wants Randy's dope farm for himself or he'll kill him, so I gotta go and...

...stop him. Count me in.

What? Why?

Well, for one thing, it's eerily similar to the plot of White Lightning...

...and this is Ray's brother. What's more important than family?

Mm, getting hammered on moonshine and trying to bang skanky trailer chicks?

Um, trying? Oh, that reminds me.

Um, they all think I'm married to, like, a woman, so...

Oh, all right, I'll be your beard.

What are you, insane? "Hey y'all, here's my great big old black wife!"

Lana, come on. You're gigantic.

MALORY: Now, what's all this nonsense about a break-in last night?

I swear to God, if Krieger was doing more of his...

What's his new, awful thing?

Ultimate Bum Shockfights, and no, it looks like it was an actual break-in.

What? Jeezy Petes!

Did they get into the mainframe? I don't know, but...

We need Sterling. Where is he?

He's tracking down...

...um, leads. From the clues.

That there were some of.

What kind of clues? The kind I'm gonna show you...

...if you're not too busy shutting up to come on.

Put Sterling through the minute he calls in!

ARCHER: Which I guess will be never.

So are there just no towers here?

Or have we literally gone back in time?

GILLETTE: Both. CHERYL: Ow! You dumb idiot!

BOTH: Great.

Why am I in a, whatever, dune buggy?

Remember? We picked you up last night, said we were going on a trip?

No, and to where? Six Flags Over The Shittier Parts of Chernobyl?

Ferlin, West Virginia. Yeah, and you and Ray are married.

[GASPS]

Oh, my God, oh, my God! We're not actually...

Actually, it'll be better if she thinks... We're married!

Super. Ray, look out!

[CHERYL SCREAMS]

Two questions: Is that the sheriff and have you recently gone insane?

Yes and no. Respectively?

Now, I know that ain't who I think it is.

No shit! Ray Gillet! ARCHER: Gillet?

How in the hell are you? Pretty good, E.Z. How you doing?

Can't complain. Ain't nobody'd listen if I did.

[PONDER & ARCHER LAUGHING]

I hear that. You hear what?

Not that?

What brings you back up the holler?

Oh, you know, just wanted to show off my pretty new bride to the home folks.

[PONDER SNIFFS THEN CHERYL CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Mm, she is that.

[GULPS]

For a minute there I was thinking maybe you come back...

...to help your brother out with his...

...business concerns. No, just back for a visit.

Well, make sure it's a short one.

Because believe me when I tell you, ain't nothing you can do to help him.

Y'all drive safe now, hear?

Man. Is it me or is he super menacing?

Or super hot? Hey! Remember? We're married?

Not until it's consummated.

I'll drive if you wanna hop back there and, um, enter her.

So not only is Ray not paralyzed, but his brother is a drug dealer...

Farmer. He and Archer are in West Virginia doing...

What are they doing? Fighting a war on the war on drugs?

Goddamn it.

What? You should've looked under the stalls.

I did! Wait, I did. I usually put my feet up on the grab bars.

Ugh. Anyway, this is all obviously unauthorized...

...but I promised Ray we'd cover for him, so...

Oh, no! I'm not getting mixed up in this, and if Ms. Archer asks me...

Why is it that every time I need to use the restroom...

...you people are in here skulking around looking guilty?

Uh...

I'll tell you why they look guilty.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Because they, or we, I guess, don't know how to tell you...

...that the break-in was a lot worse than we thought.

How much worse?

Uh, well, it's really hard to say.

But rest assured we are on it, and Archer is on it, and...

We're on it. Well, I want an update in one hour!

[SNIFFS]

And why does it always reek of paint?

GILLETTE: Well, there she is. The old homestead.

Jesus, what's my dowry? Tetanus? Hey, you know what?

[GUNSHOT]

ARCHER: Jesus!

MAN: That's far enough, you sons of bitches!

Randy, it's me! Ray! Your brother!

Don't you move. Don't move a inch.

What do you mean "don't move"? I came to help you, asshole!

Well, you ain't gonna be much help with your legs blown off.

There's mines all in the yard.

Ray, to be honest, I'm kind of having second thoughts about this whole thing.

Uh, get in line. Randy Gillet, where are your manners?

Get these folks a map of that damn minefield so they can come inside.

I got some nice hot pie for them.

Okay, now I'm having third thoughts. Oh, please don't.

It would be rude not to eat her pie.

Which I assume is not only hot but also moist.

Although hopefully not flaky.

And so E.Z. Gave me a choice:

Give him my whole dang operation, get out of the holler by sundown...

...or else him and his boys'll just take it and grind me up into fertilizer.

GILLETTE: Well... But listen to me, just yapping.

Tell me about this pretty new wife of yours.

Because I'm kind of surprised to see you married.

Ha, ha, ha. Homeboy knows what I'm talking about.

He does? A New York City interior decorator?

That's what you went with? Bet you're up to your eyeballs in poontang!

Oh, yeah, just so many...

...vaginas. Oh, no offense, darling.

Ahem. None taken.

Want some more of my pie, Mr. Archer?

No! Yes!

Thank you, Janelle, I would love more of your moist and hot pie.

Well, then open wide. RANDY: Okay!

Folks, we can't sit around eating her pie all day.

We got a situation here.

Krieger's running the logs to see if any files were accessed last night.

Who the hell could have done this?

Who knows? ODIN, the KGB... Actually...

But this will take hours, so we'll just bring you a report when it's done.

Actually... Krieger. More type, less gripe.

And has anyone heard from Sterling? No... Yes! He's out...

...on the case. Well I want some answers, and soon.

And since there's nothing in these logs, I, too, would like some answers.

So here's the thing...

If I can just get what I got to my distributor, I can retire.

Maybe move up to New York City with you. I... What, where, do what?

Heh, I'm kidding. Last thing you want's your redneck brother hanging around.

No, it's not that, it's... Plus I'd rather kill myself.

Nothing up there but a bunch of you-know-whats.

Yeah, there are a lot of them.

Don't see how you stand it.

Anyhow...

Dude. Awesome.

GILLETTE: Sweet, gracious God. RANDY: This here's what E.Z. Wants.

How did you afford all this? Farm subsidy.

He told the government he's growing corn for "high-flooktose" syrup.

But damned if I'm gonna contribute to the obesity epidemic.

Hey, a man's gotta have a code. Right?

I put my heart and soul into this...

...but now it's either roll over for that sheriff like a dog or fight.

Like a different, better dog.

So is it just E.Z. Coming, or...? No.

The whole sheriff's department. I'd say 20 men...

...AR-15s, maybe grenades. Oh, dogs! Duh.

Ray, I'm having fourth thoughts.

Well, I got a few tricks up my sleeve.

Janelle, why don't you take Mr. Archer and show him the defensive perimeter?

I'd be delighted. Whoa, no, wait a second...

Fifth thoughts! Archer!

Don't worry, she won't bite.

But speaking of, it's about suppertime.

You still partial to fried chicken?

[CHICKEN SQUAWKS AND BONE SNAPS]

I'll cook it! If someone shaves it or whatever.

[JANELLE SHRIEKS AND GIGGLES]

What...? What in the...? Janelle? Janelle!

Randy, wait! Dukes!

So is there, like, special chicken shaving cream, or?

First of all, that is a rooster!

Yeah, like Kenny Rogers' Roosters. Roasters! Randy, wait!

[IMITATES CLUCKING]

And just what the hell is this?

Um, well, I'll tell you what it's not, which is what it looks like.

I got caught on the fence, Mr. Archer tried to get me loose...

You better get your ass in that house.

Do you wanna have sex with my wife?

No, I swear, this was just an extremely unlikely mishap with the barbed wire.

Because we would be amenable to that.

Well? Why you look so nonplussed?

Because I wasn't sure if you knew what amenable actually meant.

Until you followed it up with nonplussed.

See, me and Janelle got us one of them open marriages...

...like in France. Oh, right, in Europe.

And I would really like that open marriage to include...

...Ray's new wife. What?

Now, look, that's in the Bible. Really?

Genesis 38, verse eight. Really?

Even though Ray used to be a preacher, he was never big on the Old Testament.

I could see that. So I doubt he'd wanna reciprocate.

So I just need you to keep him busy while I have sex with his wife...

And then I get to have sex with... My wife, you son of a bitch!

Yeah, I think I got... So where the hell's your damn pants?

They're on the fence! Goddamn it, Archer!

Hang on... Archer, shut up!

Ray, he was... And then poor Janelle...

Oh, I gotta go make sure she's okay!

And you better have a talk with him!

I will, Randy, I'm sorry. A good, long talk.

Like, talk for about 40, 45 minutes.

ARCHER: Okay, so... Aah.

I have never, in my entire life, been as disgusted as I am at this moment.

Well, give it a minute.

What do you mean, a cyber-attack?

Apparently the intruders downloaded a virus into the mainframe.

So this all needs to come out.

The mainframe is Krieger's baby. How'd you get him to go in?

I told him I'd get Pam to fight in his Ultimate Bum Shockfights.

Is it called that because...

...paying homeless men to fight is shocking?

Nope.

Well, hello there, game-changer.

He what? Yeah, apparently it's in the Bible?

No, it isn't!

It did sound too cool for the Bible.

But why do you care? A, you're gay...

...and B, you and Carol aren't really married.

But Randy thinks we are!

Yeah, but... That's actually a really good point.

I am gonna beat him like a rented mule!

Now that sounds like something from the Bible.

She in there? Yeah. Where's mine at?

In the woods with Ray.

You gotta wait till later, maybe after supper. Remember: No kissing.

I wasn't... That is the weirdest rule.

CHERYL: I know, right? Some honeymoon.

Oh, hey, do I do the face?

And where the hell is Sterling when I need him?

ARCHER [ON RECORDING]: You've reached Sterling Archer's voicemail.

Please leave a message.

Wha...? Finally, a non-idiotic greeting.

Sterling, I want an update, so call me the instant you get this mess...

WOMAN [ON RECORDING]: The voice mailbox of...

ARCHER: Sterling Archer.

WOMAN: Is full. Goodbye. ARCHER: Idiot. Ha-ha-ha.

[GROWLS]

Come here, you skinny-legged son of a bitch!

Oh! Sorry. That's okay, they're not my best feature.

No, I was... Not important.

What is important is that Randy gave me a Bible lesson.

Yeah? And what did the Bible say?

Well, Janelle, obviously the actual scripture is open to interpretation...

...but what I took away from it...

...is that we should go in the barn...

...and screw our brains out on a huge pile of marijuana.

It didn't say nothing about a rubber, did it?

It did not.

Ray's still up in the woods, right? Uh... Oh.

Uh, no, he actually said he wanted to talk to...

GILLETTE: Randy!

RANDY: Whoa, whoa, whoa, now hang on a second!

GILLETTE: You white trash piece of...

[CHERYL SCREAMS THEN GUNSHOTS]

Randy!

Yes. Randy. Which I probably should've mentioned earlier.

[CLUCKING]

Don't judge me. Food.

You lucky I didn't kill you. You're lucky I didn't kill you!

While you were in bed with my wife! Our marriage was never consummated!

And I think we all know why. Carol!

There's plenty of blame to go around here. I don't think I deserve any, but...

You were gonna screw her! Yeah, so? Is that still on, or?

[SCOFFS]

Carol? Wha...?

Somebody, come on, promises were made.

Just like you promised Mama and Daddy you'd always take care of me.

And here we go. They weren't even cold in the ground...

...before you were gallivanting around Europe!

It was the Olympics!

Which you lost! Bronze medal is not losing!

Then off to New York City. You can just say New York.

To be a hoity-toity interior decorator. You can just say decorator.

Whatever, I don't know why I thought he could help save my farm.

Because your job? That's a job for sissies. Oh, yeah? Well, guess what!

Ray is not an interior decorator.

I... No, you know what? Yes, shut up.

Randy, your seemingly effeminate brother is actually a highly trained secret agent.

Pssh. Yeah, and I'm something equally hard to believe is true.

It is true, that's why I married him.

Well, and the bronze medal. Prove it.

What do you want, a business card?

Where do you think he got a bag full of assault weapons?

Well, y'all do live in New York City. Just New York.

Ray? Is he telling the truth?

Mostly. So because you're a spy...

...is that why you never come back to visit?

Mm, also mostly.

Aw. And here all this time I thought it was because you were ashamed of us.

Oh, come on, why would you think that? Well, I found a bunch of your old diaries.

Obviously not the one with Miss Piggy on it.

No, Daddy said he burned that one.

Ah, great. And I am sorry I screwed your wife.

And I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like I was ashamed of you.

The important thing is you came back to help me.

Come on, that's what family's all ab...

[EXPLOSION]

Shit! Oh, damn it!

PONDER: Randy Gillet! This is Sheriff E.Z. Ponder!

Come out of there with your hands up!

Oh. That son of a bitch is early.

I don't know, "sundown" sounds more colloquial than an actual...

If you wanna back out on me, now's probably the time to do that.

Randy, you may be a racist, homophobic, wife-swapping drug dealer...

Farmer. ...but nobody murders my brother.

The Gillet boys, side by side.

Janelle, cover that window yonder. Archer, got a little fight in you?

[BELCHES]

Whoo! Ugh. Yeah, I'm pretty furious about not getting to bang Janelle.

Plus I want to unleash the power of moonshine.

Then grab a gun and cover that window! What should I do?

I got red hot pokers laying in that fire.

If anybody gets hit, you grab one and slap iron to it.

Awesome. And remember, it's us or them.

So this is how it's gonna be, huh?

Randy, I didn't want it like this! Now, come on, I tried to reason with you!

RANDY: Reason with this!

[GUNSHOTS]

PONDER: All right, then! Light them up!

[JANELLE SCREAMS]

JANELLE: Ow! Janelle! Are you hit?

No! A piece of glas...

[SCREAMS]

[LAUGHS]

Well, don't just sit there! Shoot!

Ugh. I can't. I feel sick. What's happening? Do I have cancer again?

You drank too much! That's a thing?

Looks like it's just you and me, brother.

Randy, you don't have to do this.

They'll go easy on you. Hell, the judge is my wife's cousin.

I bet he'll give you probation.

Oh, please! You're gonna murder him so you can take over his dope farm!

What? Cease fire! Hold your fire!

Why in the world would you think that I, a peace officer sworn to uphold the law...

...would wanna murder your brother and get his marijuana farm?

I... Because that's what Randy said! Randy's a drug dealer.

Farmer! And I tried to get him to quit.

I come to him as a friend...

...I come to him as an elder of the church, but he wouldn't give it up.

And so now I gotta come to him as the law. And you accuse me of planning a murder?

Well, you did used to pick on me a bunch. Well, I'm sorry.

I was a dick in high school.

But you gotta admit, you were extremely pick-on-able.

There's nothing wrong with Capezios!

[SIGHS]

Randy? Is he telling the truth?

Mostly. Randy!

You almost got me and my friends killed!

Because you could never be bothered to get a real job!

Well, I only got to ninth grade!

How else was I supposed to earn a living? Digging 'seng?

There is a perfectly good coal mine not a half-mile from here.

And maybe you wouldn't get rich, but at least it's an honest living.

Yeah, but it's hard.

So is this.

Randy! Shut up. And Mama never liked you.

E.Z., don't shoot! Ahem, I'm coming out!

Ha, ha, ha. Phrasing.

Here's the files you had me pull.

Ow! What the hell is on your hands? My bum-zappers.

For the shockfights?

That I'm doing for Krieger, which is why he broke the server, to help Lana cover up...

...that Ray and Archer are killing cops for a dealer...

...and Ray's been faking that he's paralyzed?

Lana!

Or are we not telling you that?

[SOBBING] No.

Thank God you guys got here before they started killing hostages.

Which would have been us. As the hostages.

You lying-ass bitch!

She's mad because I slept with Randy.

To get food for my fellow hostages.

So, uh, you really think you can fix it so I just get probation?

Oh, God, no, I just said that.

All these drugs and weapons, attempted murder of police officers.

You'll probably die in prison. Oh.

Will you come visit me?

Probably not. Because you're a spy and all?

Um... He's a highly trained secret agent.

Is that right? Well, listen here.

If you ever find your way back up in the holler, give me a call.

I think I got myself a extra pair of Capezios lying around somewheres.

Uh, okay.

Should I, just... Just 911? All right, let's move them out!

Well, that's just great. Everybody gets laid in the holler but me.

[CHICKEN CLUCKING]

Well, and you, I guess.

Since they ate your husband.

Dan Lather. Ha, ha, ha.

[English - US - PSDH]

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