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1
00:00:03,253 --> 00:00:05,755
MALORY:
What do you mean, Lana hasn't called?
2
00:00:05,923 --> 00:00:09,759
I've been sitting here for, like, 5 million years
and the phone hasn't rung once.
3
00:00:09,927 --> 00:00:13,846
So every time it doesn't, I just assume
it's not her, not calling to say they...
4
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:17,517
They should've rescued Sterling
and Rip from the pirates hours ago.
5
00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:21,604
Maybe they did and just didn't call.
No, I gave them explicit orders to...
6
00:00:21,772 --> 00:00:23,439
What the hell are you wearing?
7
00:00:23,607 --> 00:00:26,776
Uh, this thing called "my boss
made me sleep at my desk," so pajamas.
8
00:00:26,944 --> 00:00:31,864
Men's pajamas?
For God's sake, woman, where is your pride?
9
00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:33,825
In my work?
10
00:00:33,992 --> 00:00:36,577
That may be the funniest thing
you've ever said.
11
00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:38,246
Thank you.
MALORY: Oh, shut up.
12
00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:40,623
And then try Lana's sat phone.
13
00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:43,084
Wait, what if Lana's been captured too?
14
00:00:43,252 --> 00:00:46,838
Then I'll have to ransom her
and Sterling and Rip and...
15
00:00:47,005 --> 00:00:50,133
Well, no, Miss Gillette's on her own. Still...
16
00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:54,095
Get Cyril in here!
I need him to find a way to pay for all this!
17
00:00:54,263 --> 00:00:56,973
CYRIL:
Wait a minute, that can't be right.
18
00:00:57,725 --> 00:01:02,979
I remember being really mad and really drunk
and deciding to do some online banking.
19
00:01:03,147 --> 00:01:07,900
Oh, my God, I must have embezz...
- arrassed myself last night, huh?
20
00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:12,613
Don't talk like black people.
And how should I know? I'm still ripped.
21
00:01:12,781 --> 00:01:17,660
Oh. So you don't, um, happen to remember
me saying anything about passwords...
22
00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:19,996
...to say, Swiss bank accounts?
23
00:01:20,164 --> 00:01:23,374
Heh. I don't even remember
who peed on your sofa.
24
00:01:23,542 --> 00:01:25,501
Although, if I was a gambling man...
25
00:01:25,669 --> 00:01:26,753
MALORY: Cyril!
Wha...?
26
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,297
Ugh. Smells like a kennel in here.
27
00:01:29,465 --> 00:01:31,340
Cash reserves, how much do we have?
28
00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:35,094
I'll, uh, need to run those numbers. Heh.
29
00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:37,305
Hurry up, we don't have a minute to lose.
30
00:01:37,473 --> 00:01:40,850
God only knows what kind of torture
Sterling's going through.
31
00:01:41,018 --> 00:01:43,019
[FLIES BUZZING]
32
00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:03,039
Get off...
33
00:02:03,207 --> 00:02:04,665
...the bucket.
34
00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:06,709
I'm not done.
Yes, you are.
35
00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:08,628
But I didn't... You know.
36
00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:12,381
I can't with all the... Everybody looking at me,
and then the judgments...
37
00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:13,549
LANA: Noah?
Yes.
38
00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:16,969
I just traveled 8000 miles
and got ambushed by Malaysian pirates...
39
00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:21,182
...trying to rescue a person who is now
responsible for my getting crabs twice.
40
00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:25,144
Oh, come on.
These crabs, this time, were not my fault.
41
00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,814
This whole dungeon is, um...
42
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:32,401
Were you gonna say "lousy with them"?
I was, but then I realized that's, uh...
43
00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:34,320
Where that phrase comes from? Yeah.
44
00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:35,988
Yeah.
Yeah.
45
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,616
Yeah. So guess what I'm in?
Um...
46
00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:39,909
No mood?
47
00:02:40,077 --> 00:02:42,370
Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
48
00:02:42,538 --> 00:02:48,376
Wait, shouldn't it be some kind of crab dish,
because of the crabs? Like, uh, crab cakes?
49
00:02:48,544 --> 00:02:51,504
Ooh. Or Lana. Lana.
50
00:02:52,548 --> 00:02:53,881
Lana.
51
00:02:54,049 --> 00:02:56,008
Lana!
What?
52
00:02:56,176 --> 00:03:00,137
Dungeon. Us. Crab. Huh?
53
00:03:00,305 --> 00:03:02,098
Because we're in a dungeon.
54
00:03:02,266 --> 00:03:04,225
I'm kidding. Crab rangoon.
55
00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:40,887
[SCRAPING]
56
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,931
ARCHER:
Noah, seriously, I swear to God, stop.
57
00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:47,018
Rock beats spoon. You should know that,
you're an archeologist.
58
00:03:47,185 --> 00:03:48,811
Anthropologist.
59
00:03:48,979 --> 00:03:52,231
Whatever. If you're doing it
just to get on my nerves, okay, I get it.
60
00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:54,317
But if you're trying to actually escape...
61
00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:56,319
Well, at least he's trying something.
62
00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:58,404
Yeah, as opposed to the Doublemint Twins.
63
00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:01,699
Heh-heh-heh. And one, two, three, go, herd.
LANA: Whoa! Unh!
64
00:04:01,867 --> 00:04:04,327
Missed it by that much.
Shut up.
65
00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:07,788
It's no use. The trapdoor goes up
a vertical shaft to the radio room.
66
00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:09,498
Exactly, and if we get to the radio...
67
00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:10,958
RILEY:
Which this idiot shot to pieces...
68
00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:12,168
[THUDS]
69
00:04:12,336 --> 00:04:15,129
Holy shit.
Wha...? What the hell happened to him?
70
00:04:15,297 --> 00:04:17,673
He...
Who knows? Maybe he had a brain aneurysm.
71
00:04:17,841 --> 00:04:20,593
No, he...
It's the silent killer, Noah.
72
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:23,471
Not unlike a metal spoon
sharpened to a razor's edge...
73
00:04:23,639 --> 00:04:27,767
...and used to slit
an anthropologist's bird-like throat.
74
00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:30,144
He just kind of keeled over.
75
00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:32,605
Probably thanks to your bucket-stanch.
76
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,190
Wha...? Excuse me, I didn't even go.
77
00:04:34,358 --> 00:04:36,442
We're going. One, two, three, down, herd.
LANA: Oof.
78
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:39,028
Jeez, how about a little warning?
I said, down, herd.
79
00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:42,448
Uh, couple things. One, Ray,
thanks for perpetuating the stereotype...
80
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:45,159
...of the gay man as a collegiate cheerleader.
81
00:04:45,327 --> 00:04:48,496
Uh, yeah. For your information,
almost all male cheerleaders are...
82
00:04:48,664 --> 00:04:52,792
Finely-tuned hetero-athletes.
Yeah, hang on, I'm getting a call. Brriing!
83
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,670
Hello? Hi, it's lacrosse, you lose.
84
00:04:55,837 --> 00:04:57,880
Wait, the phone.
Lacrosse?
85
00:04:58,048 --> 00:05:00,132
Yeah, it's Algonquin for "blood sport"?
86
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,343
It's not Algonquin for anything.
Noah...
87
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:05,388
My sat phone.
Yeah. See, Noah? Her... Wait, your what?
88
00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:07,807
My sat phone. The pirates took it.
89
00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:11,477
And since I haven't called in,
ISIS should be calling me anytime now.
90
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:12,687
[LINE RINGING]
91
00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:15,856
Jeezow, Lana, answer your stupid phone.
92
00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:18,859
MAN [ON PHONE]:
Hello? Give me Sterling Archer mother.
93
00:05:19,027 --> 00:05:20,861
Oh, my God, be more Chinese-y.
94
00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:24,073
Pirates, line two.
MALORY: Wha...? Well, put them through.
95
00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:26,033
Oh, my God, be more "I hate you."
96
00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:28,077
That's why your phone is blinking.
97
00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:29,870
MALORY:
Oh. Hello?
98
00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:31,706
[IMITATING MALORY]
This is Malory Archer.
99
00:05:31,873 --> 00:05:33,541
This is Malory Archer.
100
00:05:33,709 --> 00:05:35,584
Okay, then you listen to me.
101
00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:38,254
No, you just listen to me, buster.
Bucky.
102
00:05:38,422 --> 00:05:42,508
If you touch one hair on my son's head,
I'll have your guts for garters.
103
00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:45,261
Aha, you like wear garter?
104
00:05:45,429 --> 00:05:47,638
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
It's an idiom, you heathen.
105
00:05:47,806 --> 00:05:48,848
[SCRAPING]
106
00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:51,767
Malory will call, she'll haggle
over the ransom for you, me and Riley.
107
00:05:51,935 --> 00:05:53,185
What about me?
Yeah, and me?
108
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,812
We'll come back for you later.
109
00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:58,524
No, shut up. We gotta get that phone,
or something. I don't know.
110
00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,735
But I don't want Mother talking to Bucky.
111
00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:04,238
Why not? She's been coming to your rescue
since you were in short pants.
112
00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:06,949
[GRUNTING]
113
00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:09,368
MALORY:
Oh, for... Sterling, get your things.
114
00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:13,706
We're leaving.
Before this quack's office burns to the ground.
115
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:16,751
[GRUNTING]
116
00:06:16,918 --> 00:06:18,461
MALORY:
Sterling, get your things.
117
00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:22,965
We're leaving.
Before this cruddy school burns to the ground.
118
00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:25,968
[GRUNTING]
119
00:06:26,136 --> 00:06:27,887
MALORY:
Sterling, get your things.
120
00:06:28,305 --> 00:06:29,472
He's gay.
121
00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:31,515
You were in the Army?
Oh, who remembers?
122
00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:32,808
CYRIL:
Well, try.
123
00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:35,269
PAM:
I can't remember.
124
00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:37,730
There's a reason they call it
"black-out drunk."
125
00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:40,983
If I don't remember that password,
I can't unembezzle that money...
126
00:06:41,151 --> 00:06:43,319
...and then I'm screwed,
because I don't have...
127
00:06:43,487 --> 00:06:45,279
MALORY:
Ten million dollars?
128
00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:47,490
That's outrageous. I won't pay it.
129
00:06:47,657 --> 00:06:51,160
I don't even want the gay back.
So you just better sharpen your pencil.
130
00:06:51,328 --> 00:06:53,579
BUCKY [ON PHONE]: I don't have pencil.
It's an idiom!
131
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:57,083
Aw, but I love it when Malory
bails you out of one of your idiot jams.
132
00:06:57,250 --> 00:07:00,336
Oh, really?
Then I get to watch her rub it in your face.
133
00:07:00,504 --> 00:07:02,671
Oh, my God. Okay, first of all...
134
00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:05,049
RILEY: First of all...
Riley, no. Don't say it.
135
00:07:05,217 --> 00:07:09,970
- He's been here voluntarily!
Partying his ass off as king of the pirates!
136
00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:12,723
Hmm. What?
Don't listen to him.
137
00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:16,519
I bet that brain aneurysm
scrambled his Broca's area.
138
00:07:16,686 --> 00:07:19,522
Right? Language center of the brain...
139
00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:23,984
Noah.
140
00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:26,695
Thank you.
No problem.
141
00:07:26,863 --> 00:07:29,240
Actually, not making much progress.
142
00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:31,408
LANA:
You're kidding.
143
00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:33,244
No.
144
00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:38,999
MALORY:
Three million, and not a penny more.
145
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:42,711
And before you see one thin dime,
I want to talk to Sterling.
146
00:07:42,879 --> 00:07:46,173
Cyril.
Wha...? Hey, Ms. Archer.
147
00:07:46,341 --> 00:07:49,677
Three million in cash?
That, uh, should not be a problem.
148
00:07:49,845 --> 00:07:53,222
I know it shouldn't be,
and it better not be.
149
00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:56,725
Why would it be? It's not.
I just need to move a little money around.
150
00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:59,145
So move it. Today please.
151
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:02,565
Keep looking,
maybe I wrote it down. Um...
152
00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:04,441
"ArcherSucks." No.
153
00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:07,486
"KillArcherDie." No.
PAM: Um...
154
00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:09,363
Just trying all my usual passwords.
155
00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:12,032
Hey, way to not give them the power.
156
00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:13,534
Thank you.
157
00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:17,246
Do you hear me? I want proof of life.
158
00:08:18,123 --> 00:08:19,248
Duh.
159
00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:22,084
LANA: You lying, pathetic, little piece of...
Ooh.
160
00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:23,294
Lana, no.
ARCHER: Oh...
161
00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:26,005
Come on, you're gonna kill him.
Yup, that's the plan.
162
00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:27,423
Hey, hey, knock it off.
163
00:08:27,591 --> 00:08:30,050
Look, Lana, don't get me wrong,
I like your spunk.
164
00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:31,260
[CROAKING]
Phrasing.
165
00:08:31,428 --> 00:08:34,555
Shut up. But I promised his mother
that I would bring him home safely.
166
00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:38,517
And I just assume that includes his spleen.
I think that ship might have sailed.
167
00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:41,061
No, not a ship.
That was an idiom.
168
00:08:41,229 --> 00:08:43,647
A helicopter.
There's an old Huey down by the dock...
169
00:08:43,815 --> 00:08:46,734
...and it just so happens,
Rip Riley here can fly it.
170
00:08:46,902 --> 00:08:48,068
No shit?
Yeah.
171
00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:51,989
Rip Riley here can fly anything.
You know, as long as it's got fuel.
172
00:08:52,157 --> 00:08:56,118
Well, Rip, why don't we just look around
for some fuel in this cell...
173
00:08:56,286 --> 00:08:59,955
I doubt they'd keep it in here.
...in which we're still locked?
174
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:05,586
I figured that we'd kind of work backwards
from the, uh, stealing of the helicopter.
175
00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:07,796
"ArcherBurnFace." No.
176
00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:10,299
"Archerbortion." Ugh.
No.
177
00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:13,344
Are you gonna type random words
in there the rest of your life?
178
00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:17,932
All five minutes of it. At which point, Ms. Archer
will probably dissolve me in a drum of acid...
179
00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:22,561
...unless you have a better idea.
State-dependent memory.
180
00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:26,065
So your plan is for us
to get as black-out, knee-walking...
181
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:30,402
...shit-faced drunk as we were last night
in the hopes that we remember the password?
182
00:09:32,322 --> 00:09:33,322
[SIGHS]
183
00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:35,157
Well, don't hog it all.
184
00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:37,284
Pam.
185
00:09:37,953 --> 00:09:41,413
Ah. Seriously,
I bet that would've killed a lesser man.
186
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,916
Ha. There's a lesser man than you?
187
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:46,835
Uh, yeah, his name's Houdini.
Whom I wish you were.
188
00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:49,129
Yeah, because then I could
just puke up a key.
189
00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:51,674
Because you'd be dead.
Houdini's dead?
190
00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:54,009
You know what?
Yes. Here's what we do.
191
00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:56,262
We lure Bucky down here
and take him hostage.
192
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:58,764
And then?
Then we'll see. We'll keep it loose.
193
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:02,518
Oh, for... And just how the hell
are we supposed to lure him down here?
194
00:10:02,686 --> 00:10:04,103
BUCKY:
Sterling Archer.
195
00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:07,523
What? Sorry, I couldn't hear you
over the sound of my plan working.
196
00:10:07,691 --> 00:10:09,942
Hey, telephone. It's your mother.
My...?
197
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:13,570
Wait, please tell me you didn't tell her
I was temporarily the pirate king.
198
00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:16,532
No, not yet, but this is damn good. I...
199
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,242
MALORY [ON PHONE]:
Sterling, are you all right?
200
00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:21,537
No, Mother, I'm a captive of pirates.
Unh!
201
00:10:21,705 --> 00:10:25,708
Oh, and Riley said he no longer
finds you attractive because you're too old.
202
00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:27,876
MALORY: He what?
What? You little...
203
00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:29,420
Son of a bitch!
204
00:10:29,587 --> 00:10:31,130
MALORY:
Was that a gunshot?
205
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:33,549
Yeah, they got old Ray this time.
BUCKY: Unh! Unh! Unh!
206
00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:35,884
Ray!
Now I kill you.
207
00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:37,511
Aah!
Ow!
208
00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:40,723
Right in the same ear!
MALORY: Ha! Good. Serves you right.
209
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:43,851
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Malory, I never said that!
210
00:10:44,019 --> 00:10:45,394
MALORY:
You're no spring chicken yourself.
211
00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:47,604
BUCKY: Aah!
LANA: Unh...
212
00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:49,565
Shit.
Lana!
213
00:10:49,733 --> 00:10:51,692
MALORY:
Is Lana hit? Someone talk to me!
214
00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:54,069
Mother, I'm a little busy right now.
215
00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:55,279
Noah!
What?
216
00:10:55,447 --> 00:10:57,323
ARCHER: Spoon him!
What do you mean, spoon him?
217
00:10:57,490 --> 00:11:00,701
You mean, spoon him as in like...?
Oh, uh, right.
218
00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:02,244
Today, please!
BUCKY: Unh!
219
00:11:02,579 --> 00:11:05,497
[YELLS]
220
00:11:06,875 --> 00:11:10,169
I am incredibly sorry.
221
00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:13,297
[GRUNTING]
222
00:11:13,465 --> 00:11:17,593
MALORY: Rip? Rip, I take it all back.
You're as strong and sexy as the night we...
223
00:11:17,761 --> 00:11:21,513
For shit's sake, Mother! How short
is the list of guys you haven't screwed?
224
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:22,723
[GASPS]
225
00:11:22,891 --> 00:11:26,518
How dare you?
You can just forget about that ransom.
226
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,103
For once, you're on your own.
227
00:11:28,271 --> 00:11:31,607
ARCHER:
For once? Oh, my God, Columbia Hou...?
228
00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:37,237
All I wanted was to mourn the murder
of my crazy-hot Russian fianc?e...
229
00:11:37,405 --> 00:11:39,114
...by becoming a pirate king!
230
00:11:39,282 --> 00:11:42,117
But I guess that was too much to ask!
231
00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:47,373
So Mother can keep her stupid ransom,
because I don't need her!
232
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:53,587
What I do need
is some fricking crab shampoo!
233
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,174
Noah! Wounded!
No, no, I'm...
234
00:11:57,342 --> 00:11:59,802
Maybe some psychic scarring, yes,
but physically I'm...
235
00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:01,261
Tend to the wounded!
236
00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:05,224
Oh, right, right. Right, of course, of course.
Not him. Start with Lana.
237
00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:07,976
I'm fine. Check on Ray.
ARCHER: Yeah, he is not looking good.
238
00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:10,145
Although, neither is Riley.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
239
00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:12,731
And neither is your situation. Ha! Heh-heh.
240
00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:17,820
Because you can forget ransom,
now you and your friends will die here.
241
00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:21,031
Yeah, speaking of forgetting, couple things.
One, these aren't my friends.
242
00:12:21,199 --> 00:12:22,241
[FABRIC RIPS]
243
00:12:22,409 --> 00:12:24,660
Got that right.
I mean her, yes, kind of, maybe...
244
00:12:24,828 --> 00:12:27,287
...but there's a lot of weird sexual tension.
LANA: Ha!
245
00:12:27,455 --> 00:12:30,999
But these other three, whatever, who cares?
I mean, Noah's a slave.
246
00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:34,586
Heh. Yeah, about that...
Noah, not now. And two...
247
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,005
Aha! But I shoot gun many times...
248
00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:40,426
...and in all the excitement,
I lose track myself. Ah.
249
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:44,346
So now you thinking,
"Did he fire eight shots, or only...?"
250
00:12:44,514 --> 00:12:47,516
Four, idiot. So get your things, we're leaving.
251
00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:51,895
Okay, can I just run up to my hovel quick and
grab the only extant copy of my dissertation?
252
00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:55,441
Noah, still got four bullets.
Oh, God, do you know what "extant" means?
253
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,860
You know what "license to kill" means?
254
00:12:58,695 --> 00:13:00,362
I'll write another one.
255
00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:03,073
The world holds its breath.
256
00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:09,872
LANA:
Ray? Ray, come on honey, stay with me.
257
00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:12,082
Ray? Ray?
258
00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:13,292
[SCREAMS]
Ray?
259
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,961
ARCHER: Not sure that's helping.
Yeah? Well, neither are you!
260
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:17,713
Lana, I only have two hands.
261
00:13:17,881 --> 00:13:19,590
What I don't have, is all day.
262
00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:21,467
There, I finished. Jeez, damn.
263
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:25,721
ARCHER: How you doing, Riley?
How the hell do you think I'm doing?
264
00:13:25,889 --> 00:13:29,725
Hey, relax, Nick Furious.
Save your strength for flying the chopper.
265
00:13:29,893 --> 00:13:33,479
And again, I'm just incredibly sorry.
266
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:35,898
What's your blood type?
Heh. How would I know?
267
00:13:36,065 --> 00:13:38,901
How would you not?
Who am I, Karl Landsteiner?
268
00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:41,069
Discoverer of blood groups?
269
00:13:41,237 --> 00:13:44,573
You don't know your own blood type,
but you know who discovered them.
270
00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:45,908
Yeah, now.
271
00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:48,577
Your exact words, Pam.
272
00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:51,872
"Dr. Charles Drew,
or I will eat a bag of dicks."
273
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,081
[BELCHES]
274
00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:54,249
Bring them.
275
00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:58,253
And not to diminish the accomplishments
of Dr. Charles Drew, but...
276
00:13:58,421 --> 00:14:01,590
Goddamn it, Archer.
Ray needs O-positive blood or he's gonna die.
277
00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:04,760
So give him some of yours.
I'm A-negative.
278
00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:07,262
Hey, me too.
And even if Riley is O-positive...
279
00:14:07,430 --> 00:14:10,265
No, I'm A-negative too. Eh? Blow it up.
280
00:14:10,433 --> 00:14:13,435
- He's already a quart low, so...
281
00:14:13,603 --> 00:14:14,603
NOAH:
Oh...
282
00:14:14,771 --> 00:14:17,397
Positive?
Yeah.
283
00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:23,070
One of these days, I swear to God, I'm gonna
burn this place straight down to the ground.
284
00:14:23,238 --> 00:14:24,279
Oh, my God, yes.
285
00:14:24,447 --> 00:14:25,447
[GASPS]
286
00:14:25,615 --> 00:14:26,657
What about this Sunday?
287
00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:28,659
Unless you want people in here,
in which case...
288
00:14:28,826 --> 00:14:30,118
[RETCHES]
289
00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:31,328
[SNORING]
290
00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:32,538
[CYRIL MUTTERING]
291
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:33,747
[WHISTLES]
292
00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:34,957
CYRIL: Aah!
Five-0. Five-0.
293
00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:37,626
Cyril, never mind moving that money.
294
00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:42,047
What money? Oh, really? You sure?
Because all I need to do is just...
295
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:45,467
Re-evaluate your entire life.
And yes, I'm sure.
296
00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:49,638
Sterling can get himself out of this jam,
for once.
297
00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:54,601
Oh, and don't be here on Sunday, Pam.
298
00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:56,979
Why just me? What's happening Sunday?
299
00:14:57,146 --> 00:15:00,482
Probably my grisly murder,
because we still haven't found that password.
300
00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:02,150
Did you try "guest"?
301
00:15:02,318 --> 00:15:04,278
No, Pam, I didn't, because I'm not an id...
302
00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:05,487
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
303
00:15:05,655 --> 00:15:06,655
Oh, eat a dick.
304
00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:07,864
[BELCHES]
305
00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:09,157
Bring it.
306
00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:12,661
How much of my blood does he need?
I don't know, 10 gills?
307
00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:14,329
What? U.S. Or imperial?
308
00:15:14,497 --> 00:15:17,833
Just keep squeezing that gag-ball
that I don't wanna know why you have.
309
00:15:18,001 --> 00:15:19,501
Uh, no, you do not.
310
00:15:19,669 --> 00:15:23,380
You will never make it to the helicopter.
My men will cut you down like dogs.
311
00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:27,175
Thanks, human shield.
Although, where the hell are all your men?
312
00:15:27,343 --> 00:15:28,343
Are you serious?
313
00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:30,304
They're all at the intramural
lacrosse finals.
314
00:15:30,471 --> 00:15:31,555
The what?
Ow!
315
00:15:31,723 --> 00:15:35,183
Lana, shut up. That's today?
Yeah, it's right now. Well, in 10 minutes.
316
00:15:35,351 --> 00:15:36,476
Who's playing?
LANA: Archer.
317
00:15:36,644 --> 00:15:38,520
Uh, the Lax-mi Singhers...
318
00:15:39,022 --> 00:15:40,647
They made it to the finals?
Uh-huh.
319
00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:42,482
- Versus the Archers of Loafcrosse.
320
00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:44,776
What? That's my team.
Archer.
321
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,821
Lana, I'm team captain.
I built that team from nothing, and...
322
00:15:47,989 --> 00:15:50,198
Archer. Ray is dying.
323
00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:52,326
Does that mean so must my dream?
324
00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:57,164
I think it's great that for once you're getting
out of a jam without your mother's help, but...
325
00:15:57,582 --> 00:16:00,834
Not for once, Lana. Hello? Columbia House.
326
00:16:01,002 --> 00:16:03,879
But remember earlier,
when you said you and I were friends?
327
00:16:04,047 --> 00:16:07,341
Of course.
I mean, I know we fight a lot, but...
328
00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:11,053
God, now that I think about it,
you're my only friend.
329
00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:12,387
Uh, wow.
330
00:16:12,555 --> 00:16:15,307
Right?
Yes, Archer, because if you do this...
331
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:16,892
Please don't make me choose.
332
00:16:17,060 --> 00:16:22,564
- I will never, ever forgive you,
and we will never, ever be friends again.
333
00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:26,526
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
334
00:16:26,736 --> 00:16:28,779
[CHATTERING]
335
00:16:28,946 --> 00:16:30,405
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
336
00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:33,033
Birds-eye view of lacrosse!
337
00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:36,703
Lana. Lana, we got the face-off.
Hooray.
338
00:16:36,871 --> 00:16:38,580
Now, can we please get out of here?
339
00:16:38,748 --> 00:16:41,458
Because we are totally vulnerable.
340
00:16:41,626 --> 00:16:43,418
ARCHER:
I know, look at our defenders.
341
00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:45,921
LANA:
He's not talking about the defenders.
342
00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:48,757
ARCHER:
The crease, idiots! Guard the crease!
343
00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:50,592
Lurch, what are you doing?
344
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:53,428
Middies, come on, get in position!
345
00:16:53,596 --> 00:16:58,934
Oh, shit, they are.
No, look, they're all bunched... Oh. Oh!
346
00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:00,769
Incoming!
347
00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:02,396
Yee...
Oh, no!
348
00:17:02,563 --> 00:17:04,731
Wait, Lana. Don't...
Aah!
349
00:17:04,899 --> 00:17:07,567
Get some! Get some, you sons of bitches!
350
00:17:07,735 --> 00:17:09,778
[GRUNTING]
351
00:17:09,946 --> 00:17:12,406
Suck it!
No!
352
00:17:12,573 --> 00:17:14,199
Hang on.
353
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,409
[ARCHER AND LANA YELLING]
354
00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:17,119
ARCHER: Lana!
LANA: Archer!
355
00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:18,620
ARCHER: What, Lana?
LANA: I...
356
00:17:20,248 --> 00:17:21,415
Nothing. I got you.
357
00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:24,042
You got me. Well, that's just super.
358
00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:25,877
What the hell is your problem?
359
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:29,506
My problem, Lana, is you just
Bonnie and Clyded my starting middies.
360
00:17:29,674 --> 00:17:33,135
Archer, they were...
Redshirt freshmen, Lana, who I was grooming.
361
00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:35,429
But now I guess the Archers of Loafcrosse...
362
00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:38,557
...can forget about the South Pacific
lacrosse championships!
363
00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:41,560
Yeah, that's not a thing.
If and when that becomes a thing!
364
00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:45,981
Hey, here's a thing. Your mother doesn't know
you ran away to be a pirate, so...
365
00:17:46,149 --> 00:17:48,817
No. Lana, seriously, she...
She would literally kill you.
366
00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:51,403
Well, figurative... Yeah, literally.
367
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:55,824
So now, for the rest of your idiot life,
I've got that on you.
368
00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:57,159
Wow.
Right?
369
00:17:57,326 --> 00:17:59,619
NOAH:
Oh, my God.
370
00:17:59,787 --> 00:18:02,748
Just screw already.
Seriously.
371
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:05,167
Then kill each other. And then shut up.
372
00:18:05,334 --> 00:18:09,588
And then kill each other again.
And call me, so I can watch you do it.
373
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:12,174
MALORY:
Sterling, I don't know how you did it, but...
374
00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:15,343
Well, except for Rip's eye,
you got everyone home in one piece.
375
00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:16,511
ARCHER:
No thanks to you.
376
00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:19,222
Well, it's about time
you did something on your own.
377
00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:21,641
Columbia House Record Club.
378
00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:24,394
Archer, the important thing
is that we're home.
379
00:18:24,562 --> 00:18:28,440
And that we spare Malory the details
of your time on Pirate Island.
380
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,192
Why, what happened?
381
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:34,738
Nothing. Well, you know,
besides a lot of, um, pretty horrific torture...
382
00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:38,116
...which, Mother, if you had seen,
would have broken your heart.
383
00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:40,118
But why dwell on that? We're home.
384
00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:43,789
And my mourning period for, um...
Katya?
385
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:46,666
Is over. So, hey, it's a happy ending.
386
00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:47,876
[SIGHS]
387
00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:50,837
Yeah. Yeah, it's just a big old
goddamn fairy tale.
388
00:18:51,005 --> 00:18:54,716
Fairy tale? Uh, phrasing?
389
00:18:55,051 --> 00:18:58,553
Ray, I'm kidding. Don't be like that.
390
00:18:59,222 --> 00:19:02,224
CHERYL:
Ugh, gross. Keep it moving, cripple.
391
00:19:02,391 --> 00:19:05,727
GILLETTE: Shut up.
Ray? Ray.
392
00:19:06,062 --> 00:19:07,687
Ray?
393
00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:11,024
Oh, okay. Then I guess just pout.
394
00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:48,270
[English - US - PSDH]
395
00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:52,870
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