Original subtitles

* Boy, the way Glenn Miller played *

* Songs that made the hit parade *

* Guys like us we had it made *

* Those were the days *

* And you knew where you were then *

* Girls were girls and men were men *

* Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again *

* Didn't need no welfare state *

* Everybody pulled his weight *

* Gee, our old LaSalle ran great *

* Those were the days *

Mmmmmm!

Isn't it fun having to eat all the ice cream before it melts, Mom?

Yeah, this blackout is much more delicious

than the last one.

Yeah, last time all I had in my freezer was peas and fish sticks.

Mmm!

What flavor is that?

Mandarin orange chocolate.

Oh, I didn't have none of that!

Oh? I'll trade you

my Jamocha Almond Fudge.

Okay.

Yeah!

Oh!

Mmm! Mmm!

Mm-mm. Mmm!

Wouldn't you know I picked today

to go shopping and fill up the refrigerator.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, well, you don't have to worry.

Mike will eat up everything before it's past.

Want some more, Ma?

Oh, no. No, I couldn't eat another bite.

Red, White, and Blueberry.

Okay.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm! Too bad daddy's not here. This is his favorite flavor.

Yeah. Oh, I wish he wasn't out driving the cab.

It's so dark in a blackout.

I guess that's why they call it a "blackout."

Well...I'm almost finished with the corn chips.

Don't be fillin' your face with corn chips.

Why not? Didn't you say we should eat everything?

Everything that'll melt.

Oh! Well, what the heck.

Let it melt. If I can't eat it, I'll drink it.

Let's see what's-- Can you believe me?

Look at what I'm tryin' to do, turn on the television set.

I'm just like Pavlov's dog.

Did Mr. Pavlov's dog turn on the television?

Uh, no, Ma. Professor Pavlov trained this dog

to expect food every time he rang a bell.

Oh, yeah!

I saw that dog on an Alpo commercial.

Ma, would you pat me on the back, please.

Oh, sure.

[BURPS]

Gloria!

Excuse me.

Would you like some chamomile tea, Ma?

Oh, yeah. That'd be nice to wash down the ice cream.

I'll put the kettle on. Lucky we got a gas stove.

Yes. Too bad we don't have a gas TV.

You can't watch television. You can't go to the movies.

You can't read. What are people supposed to do in a blackout?

Well, I don't know what they're supposed to do,

but nine months after the 1965 blackout,

more babies were born in New York than ever before.

Oooh!

Oh!

Hey, Ma, when Archie gets home, how will he know where you are?

I left a note for him in the refrigerator

on top of his beer can.

He's not going to be able to read the note in the dark.

That little refrigerator light is not gonna go on.

I know. That's why I put a candle in there.

I got some fresh spoons.

I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to eat

Sara Lee blueberry cheesecake before it spoils.

Oh, cheesecake's my favorite. Beautiful.

Honey, are you gonna eat that all alone?

No, of course not. We'll put ice cream on it.

Honey...

[KNOCKING]

Who's there?

ARCHIE: Me!

- Oh... - Me, who?

* Me and my shadow...*

[LAUGHING]

It's Archie.

- Hold on a second. - [KNOCKING]

Take it easy, will ya? What do you keep pounding on the door for?

'Cause you're so busy fillin' your face

you ain't got time to answer your own door bell!

Arch, the doorbell's not gonna ring in a blackout.

Oh, jeez, that's right, the power's off.

Let's hear it for Con Edison.

[BLOWING RASPBERRIES]

* Strollin' down the avenue...*

All right, Edith.

* Me and my shadow...*

'Cause...cause

the joke is over, my dear.

- What are you doing? - What are you doing?

I'm tryin' to sit down here.

- Sit over there. - You sit over there.

- It's my chair. - Not when I'm over here.

I can't sit in my own chair in my own house.

- Look, cheesecake. - All great.

Edith, you left a lit candle in the refrigerator.

Yeah.

Was that to cool down the candle

or warm up the beer?

Oh, no.

It was so you could read the note I left for ya.

Oh. Well, the flame of the candle

burnt a hole in the carton of milk, Edith.

And you know what happened?

The milk put out the candle.

Yeah. And you know what we got on the second shelf?

A puddle in the pot roast?

That's right. That's where the note is floatin'.

Look at these two chimpanzoos over there.

Do youse also pick fleas off each other?

Ah, jeez!

You want some of this cheesecake?

Cheesecake is fattening. Give me a beer, huh?

- Right away. - Not you, Edith.

This guy's the host.

That's all right, Mike, I'll get it.

Thanks, Ma.

Aaah!

If this blackout lasts any longer,

I'm gonna have a fatal fat attack.

And I thought the last blackout was bad

when I had to eat all those fish sticks.

The last blackout was plenty bad.

Don't you remember what they did?

They was rioting, burning, looting.

They was runnin' wild in the streets.

"They, they, they!"

Who's all this "they" you're talkin' about?

"They" is them that can't be seen

whilst the blackout is on.

Here's your beer.

Oh!!!

Edith!

How could you do a thing like that?

It's not her fault, Arch.

I guess you're just one of those people

who can't be seen whilst the blackout is on.

Ah, shut up, you!

You're not dryin' me off, you're just pattin' it in.

Now you're groping me. Get outta here!

Oh, Ma, this blackout's lasting so long

I'm afraid everything in the freezer's going to spoil.

- We better start cookin'. - Yeah, that's a good idea.

[BURPS]

Oh, Gloria.

Where does she get them habits, huh?

[BURPS] From you.

Don't be givin' me this here!

Turn on the radio so I can look at that and not you.

I don't have a portable.

In this day and age, a guy without a portable.

Go down to the drugstore tomorrow there

and buy yourself one of them battery transvester radios there...

if they didn't rip them all off.

"They." Don't keep saying "they."

If you're talking about the underprivileged minorities,

it's not their fault.

They do it for environmental and socioeconomic reasons.

How come you always use big words

so as not to show your ignorance?

Arch! Poor people steal.

Hungry people steal.

Oh, yeah? That's why in that July blackout

they drove 50 cars out of the showrooms

on account of they had a cravin' to eat a Pontiac.

Yes, they have a craving

because the media advertisers create that craving.

They tell the people what they should want

and tell them they're nothing unless they run out and get it.

What the hell are they supposed to do?

Supposed to go out and work for a buck.

Work? Where is the work?

Ah, cut that stuff out!

In this country if anybody wants to do

an honest day's work, he can do it.

Look at me. I'm holding down two jobs.

I run my own saloon. I still drive three cab shifts a week.

I just come off of one. Hey, the last hour I made a hundred dollars.

How'd you do that?

One trip from Kennedy Airport into the city.

That's 20 bucks tops.

When you squeeze five persons into your cab,

charge them $20 a head-- work it out, professor.

How did you get five people to give you 20 bucks a piece?

Easy. I scared the hell out of them.

Told them they were gonna get mugged in the blackout.

That's illegal. That--that's looting!

I couldn't help myself. I was hungry.

I had a craving for one of my socioecological environmentalality!

Boy, you have some nerve complaining about what they did.

"They?" Who's "they," we're talking about?

Arch, you took advantage of people in a desperate situation!

You talk about looting!

If that's not the pot calling the kettle black!

Hold it! Don't put no words into my mouth.

I never mentioned the word "black" there.

Them looters was all colors and shades--

everything but white.

Don't you see, Arch, it's the system.

It's the quest for the American dream...

If you wanna come out with that radical hoo-ha

don't give it to me!

Write a letter to the papers.

Write a letter to the editor there.

In the meantime, get the hell outta here.

It's my house.

I didn't mean outta the house, I meant outta the country.

I'm goin' here.

If you wanna talk that Russian talk,

take yourself back over to the USSO.

And if they won't leave you in there, try Jersey.

They'll take anybody.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[***]

* You make me happy when skies are gray *

[CHATTERING]

Well, there's one thing I love about a blackout...

What's that, Hank?

My wife can't find me.

I tell you one thing,

if the lights don't come on by the time we close,

I'm goin' over to Barney Hefner's house and borrow your shotgun

and stand guard here, and you better stand guard with me.

- What am I gonna use? - We'll find you a snow shovel or something.

What a town.

Yeah, it stinks.

And it's gettin' stinkier all the time.

The cops can't do nothin' about it.

In the last blackout they couldn't arrest no more.

There was no more room in the jail.

Some day I'm gonna move to California.

Be sure and do it on your day off.

California's got everything, Arch.

It certainly has-- beautiful weather,

swimming pools, the death penalty...

We oughta bring it back here.

Ah, the death penalty wouldn't do us no good in New York.

Why not?

They'd put a killer in the electric chair,

Con Edison would fail us again.

They'd have to keep the guy strapped in the chair

till he starved to death.

[CHEERING]

- I'd better get goin'. - What's your rush?

Now with the lights on, my wife'll know I'm gone.

- So long. - So long, Hank.

Hey, Arch!

Hiya there. Hi, hi, hi.

How are ya? I, uh, I don't seem to recollect the face.

Gordy Lloyd from Regal Park.

Gordy Lloyd from Regal Park.

I still don't remember.

I used to work with you five years ago on the loading dock

when I was haulin' for Finnegan's Fast Freight.

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. I remember.

Sure. How the hell are ya?

I'm fine.

Since that time, I got my own business.

I can see that. Listen, Arch,

I always knew you were gonna make it big.

Hey! That's nice of you there.

I'd like you to meet a friend of mine from around here.

Hey, Mitch, come on over here.

Mitch Turner, Arch Bunker.

Hi, pleased to meet you. How're you doin'?

Pretty good. It's a pleasure to meet a guy who talks sense.

Oh. Who's that?

You. We were listening to ya.

Well, a lot of people listen to me.

Mostly them who got no choice.

Pick up glasses, Harry, huh?

Yes-a boss!

A lot of people around here

are worried about the same things you are.

ARCHIE: Oh, yeah? Like what?

Like riotin', lootin', burnin'.

Now we intend to see that nothin' like that happens in this neighborhood.

MITCH: That's why we started this organization:

"The Kweens Kouncil of Krusaders."

Oh, the Crusaders. What do you do, bowl?

No, Arch. We don't have time for that.

We're a civic organization.

We're getting a lot of support,

especially from small businessmen, little guys,

- trying to protect their interest. - Oh...

We are dedicated to law and order.

What the cops can't handle, we do.

Hey, Arch, how'd you like to come to our next meeting?

Uh, meetin'?

Uh, well, I'll tell ya there, Georgy--

- Gordon. - Whatever.

You know the kind of guy I am-- what you'd call a jerk.

No, we ain't asking you to join.

This is just a little get-together.

It takes a while to--to join.

You gotta be investigated.

Yeah, Arch, not everybody that can get in...

only certain, special people.

Oh, yeah?

You don't have to worry about Arch.

He's one of us. I can vouch for him.

That's nice of you there, uh, Glordy...

You thought I was gonna mess it up again, huh?

Well, let me ask you this, Rich--

- Mitch. - Whatever.

You say that, uh, certain businessmen are joinin' up, huh?

More than is generally known.

Oh, oh.

Well...well, I can't see it would do me any harm

to look in on this, you know?

Uh, when are your meetings?

- Tuesdays. - Ah, jeez.

Well, if you're busy, forget it.

No, maybe I could fix it up, you know?

Go about it the right way.

Uh, Harry, what night is your daughter's weddin'?

Tuesday, Arch.

Make it Wednesday.

Okay, fellas, I'm in.

Huh?

Huh?

Hey...

Michael, you're brilliant.

I know, honey. Thank you.

It's the best letter to the editor I ever read.

Isn't it great? What do you like about it best?

Your name.

It's funny you should say that,

but it really looks great in print, doesn't it?

I wish Joey could read. He'd be so proud.

Yeah. And it's--it's such an intelligent letter.

- Isn't it? - Powerful.

Powerful.

It's powerful.

This is my favorite part, right here.

What?

"When the uneducated, unemployed take food

"to feed their children,

"it's called 'looting.'

"When the multi-national industrialists

"line their pockets with millions,

it's called 'free enterprise.'"

Huh?

Powerful!

Powerful. And what about the last paragraph?

Like it.

What happened to "powerful"?

- You don't love it? - Like it a lot.

Why don't you love it?

You can't love what you don't understand.

Wh--What don't you understand?

This part right here. Here it is.

"Must we resort to ex--

"exacerbating extremes."

...extremes."

What's exacerbating?

Exacerbating means to make more violent,

more severe.

Exacerbating.

Sounds like something your mother would spank you for

if she caught you doin' it.

[PHONE RINGS]

Is that nice talk?

I ask you, is that nice talk?

[RINGS]

Hello?

Yes, this is the same Michael Stivic that wrote the letter.

Powerful, huh?

Yeah, well--

Uh--hey! Hey--

Hung up.

Who was it, honey?

Well, it seems, uh...

like a concerned citizen from some civic organization

had a somewhat negative reaction to my letter.

What did he say?

Well, among other things

he said he wanted to burn a cross on our front lawn.

Oh, Michael, that's scary.

Honey, honey, we have nothing to worry about.

- Why? - Well, for one thing we don't have a front lawn.

So, this commie, Michael Stivic,

who wrote the letter to the paper,

is the son-in-law of the same Archie Bunker

that you're proposing for membership?

Yeah, but Arch didn't write that letter.

He doesn't think like that.

Now, you phoned this Stivic?

Oh, yeah. I put the fear of God into him.

Would Bunker go along with us

in burning a cross on Stivic's lawn?

No, I don't think he'd do that.

- Why not? - Because Stivic lives right next door to him.

If Stivic lived up in the Bronx, I bet he'd do it.

I don't think we should have anything to do with Bunker.

Now, wait a minute! We're in a membership drive here.

And I think Arch Bunker'd make a great member.

I seen him once on the TV news

talking against gun control.

I'm telling you guys,

he talks and thinks just like we do.

Now, you can't turn down a guy like that

just because of his son-in-law.

I hate to admit it,

but I got a son-in-law wears an earring.

Didn't I see you once over Nordham Boulevard?

I was watching a fire.

Hey, what's this your name is over there,

how long is this gonna take?

The members gotta finish old business first.

You're new business.

I don't wanna be too late. I wanna get back to my saloon.

I like to watch the Johnny Carson show with the customers.

You know who he's got on tonight?

Charo. Hey!

She cuchi-cuchies, the guys die, you know?

Unless they're dead already.

All right, I want to ask you a few questions for this application.

Yeah. Go ahead, shoot.

Are you now or have you ever been

a member of any un-American organization?

I am not now and never have been nothin'.

Do you believe in white supremacy?

I certainly do...

except in boxing, baseball, and basketball.

Okay, what about the following:

Mohammedism, Judaism, Catholicism,

Shintoism or Buddhism.

Have you ever subscribed to any of the above?

Nah, I never subscribed to nothin'...

'cept Life magazine.

It ain't been coming lately.

Are you a regular, church-going Christian?

I am a Christian, and I hit church

every Easter Sunday regular.

Are you willing to give your life for your country?

Hey, any guy that ain't willing to give his life for his country,

you know what he deserves?

Death!!!

All right. Do you mind if I come over and hang around by you?

All right, Krusaders,

hoods off to receive the neophyte.

[DINGS]

[DINGING CONTINUES]

What the hell is that?

They're ready for you, Bunker.

Come on, let's go.

W-Wait a minute. Before we go in there,

I mean, they aren't gonna do nothin' like in the fraternities,

are they, like, you know?

They make you eat a raw egg,

and tell ya someone will slime ya.

No, no.

I can't take any of paddlin' there.

I got a lot of German shrapnel on the bottom.

It's nasty tricks like that that kept me from accepting

my scholarship to college.

No.

Enter.

[CHEERING]

Hey, how are ya?

Look at you up there.

Hiya, fellas.

What do ya got on?

That's the-- that's the uniform, Arch.

You put me in mind of the Little Sisters of the Sick.

Wait'll you see the hats. Sit down.

Yeah, sure. Sure.

Bunker, are you aware of this letter

to the paper from one Michael Stivic?

Yeah, but don't pay no attention to that.

He's only my son-in-law.

The views expressed in this letter,

do you adhere to them?

I don't like nothin' I'd hear from him,

but I can't shut him up.

I mean, do the views expressed here

reflect your attitudes toward the subject hereinafter

referred to by your son-in-law?

Let me tell ya-- my son-in-law don't know nothin'

about the American way of life

because he's from Chicago.

Haven't you ever tried to use your authority

as titular head of the house to straighten him out?

Uh, the titular head?

That's the mother, ain't it?

Would you join us

in a little reprimand?

Yeah, sure, I ain't drivin'. Anything you want to serve.

But put it with water

'cause ginger ale give me dispopsis.

No, no, no, no.

I'm talking about a warning to Stivic

to either change his views or keep them to himself.

I'm tryin' for over seven years

to get the guy to change his views!

Then you are willing to join us

in teaching him a lesson he'll never forget?

Hey! You show me how to turn that guy around

and make him into a God-fearing patriotic American citizen,

I'll do whatever you want.

Hey! I'd be with you for life!

All right!

That's the way we want you, Archie boy, polite!

Hey...

ROB REINER: All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0