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1
00:00:02,167 --> 00:00:03,734
You take drugs?
2
00:00:03,734 --> 00:00:06,234
No, not drugs! Pills!
3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:10,000
Take one.
Go ahead, it'll pick you up.
4
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:12,868
Aw, no,
I read about these things.
5
00:00:12,868 --> 00:00:17,100
They get you hoppin'
like a jackrabbit with an inside "hemrood."
6
00:00:26,100 --> 00:00:27,934
What are you gonna do?
7
00:00:27,934 --> 00:00:29,901
I'm gonna paint the porch!
8
00:00:29,901 --> 00:00:33,167
Oh, Archie, no!
9
00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:37,267
No, not now!
Let's go upstairs!
10
00:00:37,267 --> 00:00:39,934
I'll paint upstairs tomorrow,
the porch tonight!
11
00:00:42,033 --> 00:00:45,033
It's all right, Archie.
12
00:00:45,033 --> 00:00:47,267
I didn't mean no harm, Edith.
13
00:00:47,267 --> 00:00:50,267
Everything's gonna be
all right, Archie.
14
00:00:50,267 --> 00:00:51,334
[CRYING]
15
00:00:51,334 --> 00:00:53,968
I didn't mean no harm.
16
00:00:55,567 --> 00:00:58,501
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
17
00:00:58,501 --> 00:01:01,901
♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪
18
00:01:01,901 --> 00:01:04,934
♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪
19
00:01:04,934 --> 00:01:07,434
♪ Those were the days ♪
20
00:01:07,434 --> 00:01:11,234
♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪
21
00:01:11,234 --> 00:01:14,400
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪
22
00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:19,567
♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪
23
00:01:19,567 --> 00:01:22,701
♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪
24
00:01:22,701 --> 00:01:25,834
♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪
25
00:01:25,834 --> 00:01:30,133
♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪
26
00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:35,734
♪ Those were the days ♪
27
00:01:40,234 --> 00:01:44,100
Well, I tell ya, see,
my problem was business, you know?
28
00:01:44,100 --> 00:01:47,434
My business
was kinda goin' bad,
29
00:01:47,434 --> 00:01:49,434
and I was gettin' the blues.
30
00:01:49,434 --> 00:01:52,968
So, uh, I took some
of these little pills.
31
00:01:52,968 --> 00:01:57,133
Pills! We're living
in a pill-oriented society.
32
00:01:57,133 --> 00:02:00,133
We try to dull our minds
to find new thrills
33
00:02:00,133 --> 00:02:02,234
to blot out
the world of reality.
34
00:02:02,234 --> 00:02:03,200
Shameful.
35
00:02:04,868 --> 00:02:07,033
Yeah, well,
I guess it is, yeah.
36
00:02:07,033 --> 00:02:09,234
Well, what are you
in the hospital for?
37
00:02:09,234 --> 00:02:11,000
I'm an alcoholic.
38
00:02:14,868 --> 00:02:18,868
Funny, you look too square
to be a dope addict.
39
00:02:18,868 --> 00:02:20,667
Oh, well, come on, will ya?
40
00:02:20,667 --> 00:02:22,567
Dope addict.
Jeez, I ain't that.
41
00:02:22,567 --> 00:02:24,801
I just took some medicine,
that's all,
42
00:02:24,801 --> 00:02:28,968
like, uh, the way a doctor
writes out a subscription there.
43
00:02:28,968 --> 00:02:32,167
It's like your aspirin,
your Rolaids and that, you know?
44
00:02:32,167 --> 00:02:35,434
I don't remember hearing
you could get high on Rolaids.
45
00:02:37,234 --> 00:02:40,000
Well, your memories shot--
you're a lush.
46
00:02:42,067 --> 00:02:43,868
Bottoms up!
47
00:02:43,868 --> 00:02:46,534
Oh! I'm sorry!
48
00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:49,133
ARCHIE: Edith! Edith!
49
00:02:49,133 --> 00:02:51,834
Come back here.
What are you scared of there?
50
00:02:51,834 --> 00:02:55,234
Oh, I see it now.
51
00:02:55,234 --> 00:02:59,434
Hey, Hanlin there,
when you bottomed up, you also bottomed out.
52
00:02:59,434 --> 00:03:01,434
ARCHIE: Yeah.
53
00:03:01,434 --> 00:03:04,200
Uh, Edith, this is Mr. Hanlin.
54
00:03:06,300 --> 00:03:09,467
Oh, how do you do, Mr. Hanlin?
55
00:03:09,467 --> 00:03:11,667
Very nice to have seen you.
56
00:03:11,667 --> 00:03:13,501
Oh!
57
00:03:13,501 --> 00:03:18,501
Hey, Hanlin, Hanlin,
be careful the way you face when you get out there!
58
00:03:18,501 --> 00:03:23,100
It's no use. He's gonna moon
the intensive care ward.
59
00:03:23,100 --> 00:03:26,701
Oh, Archie,
how do you feel?
60
00:03:26,701 --> 00:03:29,000
Oh, Edith,
I feel so ashamed.
61
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:32,167
Oh, you shouldn't,
Archie.
62
00:03:32,167 --> 00:03:33,934
It was all my fault.
63
00:03:33,934 --> 00:03:38,300
No, no, no,
I signed the papers, and I bought the bar.
64
00:03:38,300 --> 00:03:40,634
Oh, yeah,
but I shouldn't have let you
65
00:03:40,634 --> 00:03:42,601
get away
with forging my name.
66
00:03:42,601 --> 00:03:44,968
I didn't forge it.
I traced it, Edith.
67
00:03:44,968 --> 00:03:46,567
Trace, trace.
68
00:03:46,567 --> 00:03:49,767
Well, all right,
why'd you let me get away with it, then?
69
00:03:49,767 --> 00:03:52,601
Look at what the result is.
I'm laying here a failure.
70
00:03:52,601 --> 00:03:57,067
Oh, no, not a failure.
You're just a forger.
71
00:03:57,067 --> 00:03:58,868
Oh, jee--
72
00:03:58,868 --> 00:04:01,367
You wanna say forger?
All right, say forger.
73
00:04:01,367 --> 00:04:04,067
Let's tell the world
that the word is forger!
74
00:04:04,067 --> 00:04:06,567
Hey, everybody
on the seventh floor, there!
75
00:04:06,567 --> 00:04:08,000
Run like hell!
76
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:10,167
There's a forger
laying in the middle of your midst here.
77
00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:12,701
Shh, Archie, don't.
78
00:04:12,701 --> 00:04:14,367
Why didn't you marry
somebody else?
79
00:04:14,367 --> 00:04:16,501
You'd have been better off,
Edith.
80
00:04:16,501 --> 00:04:19,901
You know, you should've married
Henderson the plumber.
81
00:04:19,901 --> 00:04:23,767
He was an ugly mug,
but, what the hell, he died young.
82
00:04:23,767 --> 00:04:26,200
Oh, poor Alvin.
83
00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:28,534
You were nuts about him,
weren't you?
84
00:04:28,534 --> 00:04:30,601
Oh, yeah.
85
00:04:30,601 --> 00:04:32,934
Oh, but I loved you!
86
00:04:32,934 --> 00:04:34,667
[GROANS]
87
00:04:36,434 --> 00:04:39,300
Well, I'll tell you one thing
about a plumber, you know.
88
00:04:39,300 --> 00:04:41,334
When a plumber's business
goes into the toilet,
89
00:04:41,334 --> 00:04:43,067
you're sitting pretty.
[MOCK LAUGHS]
90
00:04:43,067 --> 00:04:44,968
Oh!
[LAUGHS]
91
00:04:44,968 --> 00:04:49,434
There you are.
Now you're keeping your sunny side up.
92
00:04:49,434 --> 00:04:51,300
[MOCKING] "Keeping
your sunny side--"
93
00:04:51,300 --> 00:04:55,000
Jeez, I hate that.
I hate all of them songs!
94
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:56,300
Giving you advice,
95
00:04:56,300 --> 00:04:58,601
like telling you
to go sing in the rain
96
00:04:58,601 --> 00:05:00,834
and go walking
through storm.
97
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:04,434
You could get yourself
pneumonia trying to be happy.
98
00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:06,767
Come on, now.
99
00:05:06,767 --> 00:05:09,567
Watch it!
That's where they harpooned me.
100
00:05:09,567 --> 00:05:12,100
Oh, I'm sorry.
101
00:05:12,100 --> 00:05:13,834
There.
102
00:05:13,834 --> 00:05:16,734
Guess what the doctor said?
103
00:05:16,734 --> 00:05:19,200
Five hundred dollars.
104
00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:23,601
No. He says that you can leave
here tomorrow,
105
00:05:23,601 --> 00:05:26,100
and after
a couple of days' rest,
106
00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:28,467
you can go right back to work
at the bar.
107
00:05:28,467 --> 00:05:30,467
Back to what?
Back to nothing.
108
00:05:30,467 --> 00:05:32,734
No, it's gonna be different,
Archie.
109
00:05:32,734 --> 00:05:36,400
You're gonna have
lots of customers.
110
00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:39,467
Archie, would you promise me
something?
111
00:05:39,467 --> 00:05:40,634
What, Edith?
112
00:05:40,634 --> 00:05:44,734
Would you promise me
the next time you feel blue,
113
00:05:44,734 --> 00:05:49,033
instead of taking them pills,
you'll come and talk to me?
114
00:05:49,033 --> 00:05:50,501
All right, Edith.
115
00:05:50,501 --> 00:05:53,367
Aw, thank you.
116
00:05:53,367 --> 00:05:55,767
I love you.
117
00:05:55,767 --> 00:06:00,834
♪ Truly, truly ♪
118
00:06:00,834 --> 00:06:03,434
♪ Dear ♪
119
00:06:03,434 --> 00:06:07,634
♪ Life with its sorrow ♪
120
00:06:07,634 --> 00:06:10,634
♪ Life-- ♪
Oh...
121
00:06:10,634 --> 00:06:13,634
I didn't even have
a chance to say good-bye.
122
00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:20,167
♪ With its tear-- ♪
123
00:06:20,167 --> 00:06:21,767
Help me, Lord.
124
00:06:21,767 --> 00:06:24,434
[CONTINUES SINGING]
125
00:06:24,434 --> 00:06:25,701
[DOORBELL RINGS]
126
00:06:25,701 --> 00:06:27,567
Coming!
127
00:06:28,901 --> 00:06:31,000
GLORIA:
It's us, Ma. Oh.
128
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,067
Oh, come on in.
Hi, Ma.
129
00:06:33,067 --> 00:06:34,167
Hi, Ma.
How's Daddy feeling?
130
00:06:34,167 --> 00:06:37,100
Oh, he's very down
in the dumps.
131
00:06:37,100 --> 00:06:41,100
Thank you
for bringing over that portable TV set.
132
00:06:41,100 --> 00:06:42,133
Is he watching it?
133
00:06:42,133 --> 00:06:44,167
Oh, yeah,
all day long.
134
00:06:44,167 --> 00:06:46,367
I just wish
he'd turn it on.
135
00:06:54,267 --> 00:06:57,901
Don't worry about him, Ma.
TV's better that way anyway.
136
00:06:57,901 --> 00:07:00,200
That sounds
like he's still bananas.
137
00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:01,601
You know
what Archie needs?
138
00:07:01,601 --> 00:07:04,267
He's gotta get
up out of that bed and go back to work.
139
00:07:04,267 --> 00:07:07,167
Yeah. He does,
but he won't.
140
00:07:07,167 --> 00:07:09,200
I keep trying
to cheer him up
141
00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:11,767
with stories
about some of my relatives
142
00:07:11,767 --> 00:07:14,300
that had worse luck
than he did,
143
00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:16,501
like my uncle Norbert
144
00:07:16,501 --> 00:07:20,100
whose business partner
ran away with all his money
145
00:07:20,100 --> 00:07:21,400
and his wife.
146
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:24,200
And uncle Norbert
ran out to stop him,
147
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:27,300
and he got hit by a bus,
which broke his right leg.
148
00:07:27,300 --> 00:07:30,834
Lucky for him.
Lucky?
149
00:07:30,834 --> 00:07:33,300
Yeah,
that was his aluminum leg.
150
00:07:33,300 --> 00:07:35,067
Oh.
151
00:07:35,067 --> 00:07:39,601
ARCHIE: Edith, I told you
to leave the cigars up here on the dresser.
152
00:07:39,601 --> 00:07:41,634
Now I gotta come down
and get one.
153
00:07:41,634 --> 00:07:42,968
Oh, he's coming down.
154
00:07:42,968 --> 00:07:44,601
Come on, then, honey,
let's cheer him up.
155
00:07:44,601 --> 00:07:46,968
All right.
I'll tell him I became a Republican.
156
00:07:48,901 --> 00:07:50,634
Sing to him.
Sing?
157
00:07:50,634 --> 00:07:52,734
Yeah.
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
158
00:07:52,734 --> 00:07:54,467
[TOGETHER] ♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪
159
00:07:54,467 --> 00:07:57,434
♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪
160
00:07:57,434 --> 00:07:59,100
♪ Which nobody can deny ♪
161
00:07:59,100 --> 00:08:00,200
Hi.
162
00:08:01,467 --> 00:08:04,434
Edith, do we have to have
these people over?
163
00:08:05,801 --> 00:08:07,901
They're just happy
that you're up.
164
00:08:07,901 --> 00:08:09,000
Ahh.
165
00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:10,167
Yeah, Daddy.
Look at you, though.
166
00:08:10,167 --> 00:08:12,000
You haven't gotten
dressed yet today.
167
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:13,868
And you didn't shave either.
168
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:16,100
And your hair's
all messed up.
169
00:08:16,100 --> 00:08:18,968
So I won't make the cover
of Harper's Brassiere.
170
00:08:22,734 --> 00:08:24,968
Just leave me alone, huh?
171
00:08:24,968 --> 00:08:26,534
And get out of my chair.
172
00:08:26,534 --> 00:08:28,167
I'm not in your chair.
You're leaning on it!
173
00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:33,100
Daddy, I think
you should go back to work.
174
00:08:33,100 --> 00:08:36,100
If you get back to the bar,
you'll have people to talk to.
175
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:38,334
I ain't got no customers.
176
00:08:38,334 --> 00:08:40,334
The only way I talk to people
at my bar
177
00:08:40,334 --> 00:08:44,601
is if I burn down the joint
and have words with the firemen.
178
00:08:44,601 --> 00:08:46,334
Arch, you know what
your problem is?
179
00:08:46,334 --> 00:08:48,901
You took on too much
for one man to handle.
180
00:08:48,901 --> 00:08:52,033
Yeah, I think you should share
the work with somebody, Daddy.
181
00:08:52,033 --> 00:08:53,701
You should take
on a partner. Nah, nah.
182
00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:55,400
You should've gone in
with Harry.
183
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:56,734
No!
184
00:08:56,734 --> 00:08:59,567
Maybe if you ask him nice,
Harry would come back--
185
00:08:59,567 --> 00:09:01,133
No! No!
186
00:09:01,133 --> 00:09:04,267
Arch,
Harry's a good bartender, and he's a good friend.
187
00:09:04,267 --> 00:09:06,200
I'm getting ready to say no
again, little girl.
188
00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:09,100
No-ho-ho-ho-ho!
189
00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:11,300
And he's a lodge brother.
190
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:13,767
He's always been
very close to you.
191
00:09:13,767 --> 00:09:15,400
Listen, Edith,
it's my experience in life
192
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:16,767
that the closer
people get to me,
193
00:09:16,767 --> 00:09:18,834
the more they wanna kill me.
194
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,100
Look at Harry.
195
00:09:22,100 --> 00:09:24,167
He runs over there
to the competition.
196
00:09:24,167 --> 00:09:27,834
He was the one
that talked McFeeny into going topless.
197
00:09:27,834 --> 00:09:31,601
I thought just the waitresses
was topless.
198
00:09:40,567 --> 00:09:42,634
And instead
of the little pills,
199
00:09:42,634 --> 00:09:45,200
you want me to come
and talk to you.
200
00:09:46,667 --> 00:09:48,634
Arch, come on,
talk to Harry.
201
00:09:48,634 --> 00:09:50,300
All you have to do
is apologize.
202
00:09:50,300 --> 00:09:53,133
Ap-ap-ap-ap-apologize?
203
00:09:53,133 --> 00:09:55,501
To a guy for killing me?
204
00:09:55,501 --> 00:09:59,501
Did Lincoln apologize
to Alexander Graham Booth?
205
00:09:59,501 --> 00:10:01,133
[DOORBELL RINGS]
206
00:10:01,133 --> 00:10:02,367
I'll get it.
207
00:10:02,367 --> 00:10:04,367
John Wilkes Booth,
Daddy.
208
00:10:04,367 --> 00:10:05,934
Don't repeat what I say.
209
00:10:05,934 --> 00:10:08,901
Oh, Manuel.
Bonus Dias.
210
00:10:08,901 --> 00:10:11,634
Oh, now, don't tell me--
211
00:10:11,634 --> 00:10:14,434
Manuel, Manuel,
what are you doing over here?
212
00:10:14,434 --> 00:10:16,467
You're supposed to be watching
the saloon.
213
00:10:16,467 --> 00:10:19,334
Well, boss,
there's a little problem with the customers.
214
00:10:19,334 --> 00:10:21,901
What?
We ain't got none.
215
00:10:21,901 --> 00:10:25,267
You mean, nobody came
in there all day?
216
00:10:25,267 --> 00:10:26,667
I ain't saying
nobody come in.
217
00:10:26,667 --> 00:10:29,000
Actually there was people
coming and going all the time.
218
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:30,267
Yeah, well?
219
00:10:30,267 --> 00:10:31,567
They was coming
in with bills.
220
00:10:31,567 --> 00:10:33,634
They was going out
with furniture.
221
00:10:33,634 --> 00:10:36,033
You hear that?
222
00:10:36,033 --> 00:10:37,634
They repossessed the piano.
223
00:10:37,634 --> 00:10:39,901
They carried away
the refrigeration unit.
224
00:10:39,901 --> 00:10:41,033
Anything else?
225
00:10:41,033 --> 00:10:44,334
Well, if you want to play
the pinball machine,
226
00:10:44,334 --> 00:10:46,434
you got to go to Sicily.
227
00:10:50,067 --> 00:10:52,467
Did you hear that?
228
00:10:52,467 --> 00:10:54,567
Why didn't you call me?
229
00:10:54,567 --> 00:10:56,534
The telephone don't work
so good, boss,
230
00:10:56,534 --> 00:10:58,734
since they disconnected it.
231
00:10:58,734 --> 00:11:01,601
Edith.
Oh, I heard that.
232
00:11:03,601 --> 00:11:06,200
Look, I got to be
running along now.
233
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:07,834
This has been
a pretty bad day for me.
234
00:11:07,834 --> 00:11:09,601
I mean I'm feeling
pretty rotten.
235
00:11:09,601 --> 00:11:11,634
You're feeling
pretty rotten?
236
00:11:11,634 --> 00:11:13,634
Yeah, I was going to ask you
for a raise.
237
00:11:15,868 --> 00:11:18,334
I'm sorry, Archie.
238
00:11:18,334 --> 00:11:19,701
Rotten luck, Arch.
239
00:11:19,701 --> 00:11:21,400
No, it ain't rotten luck.
240
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:24,100
Rotten me.
That's what it is.
241
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:28,734
I ain't no businessman.
I'm nothing.
242
00:11:28,734 --> 00:11:31,667
I think that's
what I was born to be-- nothing.
243
00:11:31,667 --> 00:11:34,834
Archie,
I can't let you say that.
244
00:11:34,834 --> 00:11:36,868
It's too late, Edith.
I just said it.
245
00:11:39,467 --> 00:11:41,334
Well...
246
00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:43,634
I'm just gonna bid
my fond adieus
247
00:11:43,634 --> 00:11:45,033
to all of youse.
248
00:11:45,033 --> 00:11:46,501
Where are you going?
249
00:11:46,501 --> 00:11:47,501
I'm going upstairs.
250
00:11:47,501 --> 00:11:48,734
I'm going to get
into that bed,
251
00:11:48,734 --> 00:11:50,701
and I'm going to turn
my face to the wall.
252
00:11:50,701 --> 00:11:52,534
Oh, no--
Yes, yes...
253
00:11:52,534 --> 00:11:54,601
for the next 20 years
or until I die,
254
00:11:54,601 --> 00:11:57,000
whichever comes first.
255
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,467
You wanna do something
for me?
256
00:11:58,467 --> 00:12:00,767
You write up an ad
that I can put up in the paper,
257
00:12:00,767 --> 00:12:02,367
and I'm gonna dump
that bar
258
00:12:02,367 --> 00:12:04,400
on the first guy
that makes me a good offer.
259
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:06,300
Arch, you can't do that.
That's giving up. Edith, Edith, Edith,
260
00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:10,934
just go set
the alarm clock for 1997.
261
00:12:10,934 --> 00:12:12,701
You're going to sleep
for 20 years?
262
00:12:12,701 --> 00:12:16,100
If it was good enough
for Rip Van Heusen...
263
00:12:19,701 --> 00:12:20,767
MIKE AND EDITH: Winkle.
264
00:12:22,267 --> 00:12:24,367
Winkle Van Heusen...
265
00:12:25,734 --> 00:12:29,367
then ipso fatso
it's good enough for me.
266
00:12:29,367 --> 00:12:31,100
But, Arch, wait--
No, no, no, no...
267
00:12:31,100 --> 00:12:32,601
What are you--
Please, Archie.
268
00:12:34,334 --> 00:12:36,434
[SIGHS]
I don't understand.
269
00:12:36,434 --> 00:12:39,300
I always thought that bar
did such good business.
270
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:41,501
It did, when Harry
was running it for Kelsey.
271
00:12:41,501 --> 00:12:43,601
If we can only get
Archie and Harry back together again.
272
00:12:43,601 --> 00:12:45,100
That's right.
273
00:12:45,100 --> 00:12:49,300
I'm gonna go
down there to McFeeny's and talk to Harry.
274
00:12:49,300 --> 00:12:50,968
What--Ma--Ma,
wait a second, wait a second.
275
00:12:50,968 --> 00:12:53,100
You can't go
to McFeeny's, Ma. It's a topless place.
276
00:12:53,100 --> 00:12:57,100
I don't care.
I ain't gonna look at them--that--those.
277
00:12:58,501 --> 00:13:02,467
Ma, what about all the people
that hang around down there?
278
00:13:02,467 --> 00:13:07,033
The dregs of humanity,
men with twisted moralities and rumpled raincoats.
279
00:13:07,033 --> 00:13:10,501
Ma, all that nudity.
That nudity, Ma.
280
00:13:11,767 --> 00:13:12,901
I better go instead.
281
00:13:17,367 --> 00:13:18,868
Do you mind?
282
00:13:18,868 --> 00:13:22,400
Eh, when you're number one,
you don't have to worry.
283
00:13:28,634 --> 00:13:30,934
Doctor, he won't get
out of bed.
284
00:13:30,934 --> 00:13:33,133
He says
he's gonna stay there
285
00:13:33,133 --> 00:13:36,467
for 20 years
or for the rest of his life
286
00:13:36,467 --> 00:13:39,100
until he dies,
whichever comes first.
287
00:13:39,100 --> 00:13:40,400
MIKE: What the hell
are you doing?!
288
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:41,434
[DOOR SLAMS]
289
00:13:41,434 --> 00:13:43,701
Thanks a lot, Arch!
290
00:13:43,701 --> 00:13:45,167
Gloria...
291
00:13:45,167 --> 00:13:47,300
Gloria, did I ever tell you
how much I like your father?
292
00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:48,567
No, honey.
293
00:13:48,567 --> 00:13:50,701
Well,
I'm not gonna start now.
294
00:13:50,701 --> 00:13:53,734
The man is meaner on his back
than he ever was on his feet.
295
00:13:53,734 --> 00:13:56,067
Just sit down.
It'll be all right.
296
00:13:56,067 --> 00:13:57,701
Ma,
what did Dr. Shapiro say?
297
00:13:57,701 --> 00:14:01,167
He says we gotta be
very patient with Archie
298
00:14:01,167 --> 00:14:03,167
and give him lots of love.
299
00:14:03,167 --> 00:14:05,834
[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY]
You hear me laughing at that?
300
00:14:05,834 --> 00:14:07,501
Patient and love to Archie?
301
00:14:07,501 --> 00:14:09,400
Ma, I tried to show
the man patience,
302
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:13,200
but he shakes up his beer can,
and he squirts it at me.
303
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:14,834
As far as love is concerned,
304
00:14:14,834 --> 00:14:17,534
it's very hard to sustain love
when after he drinks the beer,
305
00:14:17,534 --> 00:14:18,634
he throws the can at you.
306
00:14:18,634 --> 00:14:19,934
I tell you, Ma,
307
00:14:19,934 --> 00:14:22,300
it is not the basis
for an affectionate relationship.
308
00:14:23,501 --> 00:14:25,200
Every time I go upstairs,
309
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:27,000
he just keeps saying to me
over and over again,
310
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,734
"Little girl,
when's the Meathead
311
00:14:28,734 --> 00:14:31,334
gonna put the 'For Sale' ad
in the paper for the bar?"
312
00:14:31,334 --> 00:14:34,133
Gloria, I am not going to put
that ad in the paper.
313
00:14:34,133 --> 00:14:35,534
That is a good little bar.
314
00:14:35,534 --> 00:14:37,567
Why should he throw it away
just like that?
315
00:14:37,567 --> 00:14:39,200
Well, I'm more worried
about Daddy
316
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:40,667
than I am the bar.
317
00:14:40,667 --> 00:14:43,434
You know he hasn't eaten
anything since yesterday?
318
00:14:43,434 --> 00:14:46,934
Well, today I made him
some nice Hungarian goulash.
319
00:14:46,934 --> 00:14:49,567
I thought goulash
upsets his stomach.
320
00:14:49,567 --> 00:14:52,067
Oh, no, he loves goulash.
321
00:14:52,067 --> 00:14:55,300
It's Hungarians
that upset him.
322
00:14:55,300 --> 00:14:56,701
[DOORBELL RINGS]
323
00:14:56,701 --> 00:14:57,934
Oh, I bet that's Harry.
324
00:14:57,934 --> 00:15:01,267
Oh, I hope he ain't still mad
at Archie.
325
00:15:01,267 --> 00:15:04,000
Hiya, Harry.
I'm glad you're here. Come on in.
326
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,767
Edith, how are you?
Thank you so much for coming.
327
00:15:05,767 --> 00:15:06,934
Sit down, Harry.
328
00:15:06,934 --> 00:15:09,367
I only come
'cause of you, Edith,
329
00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:11,501
'cause you got a sick man
on your hands.
330
00:15:11,501 --> 00:15:13,434
How about some coffee?
331
00:15:13,434 --> 00:15:14,534
No thanks.
332
00:15:14,534 --> 00:15:18,033
How about going
back to work with Archie?
333
00:15:18,033 --> 00:15:20,868
I didn't come
to talk business.
334
00:15:20,868 --> 00:15:23,334
Harry, you have to talk
to Archie.
335
00:15:23,334 --> 00:15:25,300
He needs
a good bartender like you
336
00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:27,067
that has
a lot of steady customers
337
00:15:27,067 --> 00:15:28,667
to get the business
started again.
338
00:15:28,667 --> 00:15:30,033
He certainly does.
339
00:15:30,033 --> 00:15:32,133
He needs you, Harry.
340
00:15:32,133 --> 00:15:34,434
Nah.
You wouldn't have to work for him.
341
00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:36,033
You could be partners.
342
00:15:37,734 --> 00:15:40,901
No way Archie and me
could be partners.
343
00:15:40,901 --> 00:15:44,000
Oh, that's too bad.
344
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:47,033
Uh, but if it would make
you feel better,
345
00:15:47,033 --> 00:15:48,701
I'd be happy to go up
and talk to him.
346
00:15:48,701 --> 00:15:49,934
Oh, would you?
Sure.
347
00:15:49,934 --> 00:15:51,501
Oh, great, Harry.
That's terrific
348
00:15:51,501 --> 00:15:53,567
because he just sits
up there all day.
349
00:15:53,567 --> 00:15:56,200
He doesn't want to talk
to anybody. He'll be so glad to see you.
350
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,300
Yeah, but I promise you
one thing, Edith.
351
00:15:58,300 --> 00:16:00,133
I leave the first time
he gives me a...
352
00:16:00,133 --> 00:16:01,501
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
353
00:16:05,367 --> 00:16:06,734
I'm just gonna show you
the way.
354
00:16:06,734 --> 00:16:08,167
I have to go
to the bathroom.
355
00:16:08,167 --> 00:16:09,367
I wanna look
out the window.
356
00:16:17,667 --> 00:16:20,000
[ARCHIE LAUGHS]
357
00:16:24,434 --> 00:16:29,067
Oh, that Dennis.
He really is a menace.
358
00:16:32,033 --> 00:16:34,300
Such a rotten kid,
I love him.
359
00:16:35,901 --> 00:16:37,868
EDITH: Archie.
360
00:16:37,868 --> 00:16:41,167
Oh, Archie,
guess who's here to see you.
361
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:43,200
If it ain't Alice Faye,
362
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:45,367
tell them,
"Get the hell out of here."
363
00:16:45,367 --> 00:16:49,000
It's your old friend Harry.
364
00:16:51,767 --> 00:16:54,634
Oh, uh...
365
00:16:54,634 --> 00:16:55,734
Harry, huh?
366
00:16:55,734 --> 00:16:57,767
EDITH: Yeah.
367
00:16:57,767 --> 00:17:00,667
Well, Edith,
you had your instructions.
368
00:17:00,667 --> 00:17:03,300
That's it.
Wait a second.
369
00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:05,601
It ain't personal.
He talks like that to everybody.
370
00:17:05,601 --> 00:17:07,000
You know that.
371
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:08,701
You should hear
some of the things he says to me.
372
00:17:08,701 --> 00:17:10,501
But he always liked Harry,
honey.
373
00:17:10,501 --> 00:17:12,367
He never liked you.
374
00:17:12,367 --> 00:17:15,934
Anyway, let me try again.
Daddy.
375
00:17:21,534 --> 00:17:24,467
Now, Daddy,
Harry was nice enough to come see you.
376
00:17:24,467 --> 00:17:25,767
Are you going to be nice
to him?
377
00:17:25,767 --> 00:17:26,767
No!
378
00:17:26,767 --> 00:17:27,834
It's hopeless.
379
00:17:27,834 --> 00:17:30,400
[ALL SHOUTING]
380
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:33,601
All right, shut up,
shut up.
381
00:17:33,601 --> 00:17:35,133
[EVERYONE SILENCES]
382
00:17:36,300 --> 00:17:37,634
All right, all right.
383
00:17:37,634 --> 00:17:39,000
Just, uh...
384
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:44,901
give me a minute here
to get myself out of my bed,
385
00:17:44,901 --> 00:17:46,634
and I'll be there.
386
00:17:51,801 --> 00:17:53,367
All right.
387
00:17:53,367 --> 00:17:54,968
I'm opening the door.
388
00:17:54,968 --> 00:17:56,100
[GLORIA MUTTERS]
Ow.
389
00:17:56,100 --> 00:17:57,067
EDITH: Oh.
390
00:18:05,868 --> 00:18:07,667
Well?
391
00:18:09,067 --> 00:18:10,734
Hello.
392
00:18:10,734 --> 00:18:12,033
Hello.
393
00:18:14,501 --> 00:18:16,100
Can I sit down?
394
00:18:16,100 --> 00:18:17,767
What are you, tired?
395
00:18:19,100 --> 00:18:20,467
I ain't tired.
396
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:24,300
Well, then, by no means
would I say that you, uh--
397
00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:25,400
sit down, there.
398
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:26,734
Thanks.
399
00:18:28,501 --> 00:18:30,501
Should I remove this?
400
00:18:30,501 --> 00:18:31,667
What for?
401
00:18:31,667 --> 00:18:33,734
Make you feel at home.
Topless, you know?
402
00:18:36,100 --> 00:18:39,901
So, uh, how are things
at Archie's Place?
403
00:18:39,901 --> 00:18:42,000
Oh, I'd say, uh, the same.
404
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:43,834
Same as what?
405
00:18:43,834 --> 00:18:45,367
Same as yesterday.
406
00:18:45,367 --> 00:18:47,667
I heard they weren't
so good yesterday
407
00:18:47,667 --> 00:18:49,334
or the day before yesterday.
408
00:18:49,334 --> 00:18:51,334
or the day before that.
409
00:18:51,334 --> 00:18:53,467
Listen, listen...
410
00:18:53,467 --> 00:18:57,033
I like to run a nice,
respectable, what I call "establishment," there.
411
00:18:57,033 --> 00:18:58,267
You know?
412
00:18:58,267 --> 00:19:01,467
Ain't all the crowds
of people there,
413
00:19:01,467 --> 00:19:06,734
talking, laughing it up,
all that hiller-arity, you know?
414
00:19:06,734 --> 00:19:09,033
Who the hell needs that
in a saloon?
415
00:19:09,033 --> 00:19:12,133
Look, Arch.
I know how it is.
416
00:19:12,133 --> 00:19:14,033
It's tough for the little guy.
417
00:19:14,033 --> 00:19:16,868
The minute he walks
out the front door, he's in trouble.
418
00:19:16,868 --> 00:19:19,567
Everybody takes
a hunk out of him.
419
00:19:19,567 --> 00:19:21,667
He walks,
the muggers zap him.
420
00:19:21,667 --> 00:19:24,133
He runs,
the buses clip him.
421
00:19:24,133 --> 00:19:27,968
He tries to make a buck,
the government knocks him off.
422
00:19:27,968 --> 00:19:31,367
He tries to fool them all
by hiding in the grave,
423
00:19:31,367 --> 00:19:33,834
the medical students
grab what's left of him.
424
00:19:35,868 --> 00:19:37,501
Yeah, it's awful,
ain't it, huh?
425
00:19:37,501 --> 00:19:42,634
He feels like a failure,
a loser, a nothing,
426
00:19:42,634 --> 00:19:46,000
a lowly worm
crawling in the dirt.
427
00:19:47,334 --> 00:19:50,300
Well, don't say that,
Harry.
428
00:19:50,300 --> 00:19:52,334
I mean, after all...
429
00:19:52,334 --> 00:19:55,100
you may be a worm,
but you ain't crawling in the dirt.
430
00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:04,634
You want your old job back?
You got it.
431
00:20:04,634 --> 00:20:06,667
Add a little cut
in salary of course.
432
00:20:06,667 --> 00:20:11,400
I wasn't talking about me.
I was talking about you.
433
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,901
No, you wasn't talking
about me!
434
00:20:13,901 --> 00:20:15,934
I ain't no worm.
I'm a boss.
435
00:20:15,934 --> 00:20:17,267
I don't know
what the hell you are.
436
00:20:17,267 --> 00:20:19,367
You wanna know what I am?
I'll tell you what I am!
437
00:20:19,367 --> 00:20:22,200
I ain't up to my butt in debts!
That's what I am.
438
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:23,901
Well, let me tell you
something.
439
00:20:23,901 --> 00:20:26,534
The good Lord will forgive me
for being up to my butt in debts,
440
00:20:26,534 --> 00:20:28,868
but you, Harry--
you're going straight to hell
441
00:20:28,868 --> 00:20:31,234
for being up to your butt
in boobs.
442
00:20:36,534 --> 00:20:38,634
What a jerk I am!
443
00:20:38,634 --> 00:20:40,801
Here I was
willing to come back,
444
00:20:40,801 --> 00:20:43,467
pay off everything you owe,
and be your partner.
445
00:20:43,467 --> 00:20:44,767
What a dummy!
446
00:20:44,767 --> 00:20:46,300
Who asked you to do that?
447
00:20:46,300 --> 00:20:49,534
Edith asked me, that's who!
And Mike and Gloria, too.
448
00:20:49,534 --> 00:20:53,868
Oh...so they done that, huh?
449
00:20:53,868 --> 00:20:56,801
Hey, out there in the hall
listening at the door!
450
00:20:58,367 --> 00:21:00,067
Mind your own business!
451
00:21:01,300 --> 00:21:04,200
They
was just trying to help you, and so was I.
452
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:07,567
Now, do you
or do you not want me for a partner?!
453
00:21:07,567 --> 00:21:10,133
[BLOWS RASPBERRIES
TO SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT]
454
00:21:12,167 --> 00:21:13,868
That does it!
455
00:21:13,868 --> 00:21:18,100
I'd rather work
with topless here than topless here!
456
00:21:18,100 --> 00:21:19,701
Go on and work with--
457
00:21:19,701 --> 00:21:22,400
Harry, wait a second!
Hold on, let me talk to him.
458
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:23,501
I'll bring him out to you.
459
00:21:23,501 --> 00:21:25,534
Arch, what are you doing?
460
00:21:25,534 --> 00:21:28,033
Harry's giving you
a chance to save the bar.
461
00:21:28,033 --> 00:21:29,300
You're lying here in bed?
462
00:21:29,300 --> 00:21:30,767
Fare thee well, Meathead.
463
00:21:30,767 --> 00:21:32,334
Oh, look at this.
He's under the covers.
464
00:21:32,334 --> 00:21:33,968
Now, come on, Daddy.
465
00:21:33,968 --> 00:21:36,934
Oh, Ma, look at him lying here
like a fetus in the womb.
466
00:21:39,133 --> 00:21:41,801
I don't care what Ma's gonna
feed us at noon.
467
00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:43,434
I ain't eatin' nothin'!
468
00:21:48,601 --> 00:21:51,567
Daddy, are you ever going to get
out of this bed?
469
00:21:51,567 --> 00:21:56,267
No!
Here I lay in my bed till death us do part.
470
00:21:56,267 --> 00:21:57,801
And I'm stone dead.
471
00:21:59,767 --> 00:22:01,100
All right, Archie.
472
00:22:01,100 --> 00:22:02,901
When we got married,
473
00:22:02,901 --> 00:22:07,100
we promised
we would stay together for the rest of our lives.
474
00:22:07,100 --> 00:22:10,234
So my place is by your side.
475
00:22:12,267 --> 00:22:14,267
Oh, jee--oh,
come on, Edith.
476
00:22:14,267 --> 00:22:15,701
What are you doing?
477
00:22:15,701 --> 00:22:19,968
Can't you leave me alone
in my rotten misery here? God.
478
00:22:19,968 --> 00:22:23,501
[ARCHIE SIGHS]
Well, we've always been a close-knit family.
479
00:22:24,701 --> 00:22:26,067
Come on, come on.
480
00:22:26,067 --> 00:22:27,901
Now, what in the hell
is this here?!
481
00:22:27,901 --> 00:22:31,400
Parents and child in a one bed
like a family of dogs.
482
00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:32,467
Get out of here!
483
00:22:32,467 --> 00:22:33,801
Get out of this bed!
No!
484
00:22:33,801 --> 00:22:36,534
ARCHIE: Get out of this bed.
Get out of here.
485
00:22:39,968 --> 00:22:42,300
Well, I'm not going to face
this cruel world all by myself.
486
00:22:49,501 --> 00:22:51,767
[LAUGHS]
Look who's here.
487
00:22:51,767 --> 00:22:52,968
Look who's here
with Daddy.
488
00:22:52,968 --> 00:22:57,267
Well, my God,
this is a disgrace.
489
00:22:57,267 --> 00:22:58,868
Get out of this bed,
all of you!
490
00:22:58,868 --> 00:23:01,133
Get out--
[GLORIA SCREAMS]
491
00:23:01,133 --> 00:23:02,934
[LAUGHING]
492
00:23:05,067 --> 00:23:07,467
[ARCHIE SHOUTING
INDISTINCTLY]
493
00:23:09,367 --> 00:23:12,100
Hey, look at this!
He's out of bed! I don't believe it.
494
00:23:12,100 --> 00:23:15,367
Come on, Arch, go out there
and talk to Harry.
495
00:23:15,367 --> 00:23:17,667
No! He's a worker.
I'm a boss.
496
00:23:17,667 --> 00:23:19,067
I ain't going to him.
497
00:23:19,067 --> 00:23:21,100
Harry, go in there
and talk to Archie.
498
00:23:21,100 --> 00:23:23,334
I'm the guy with the money.
Let him come out here.
499
00:23:23,334 --> 00:23:26,167
Oh, Archie,
this is your big chance. Be nice.
500
00:23:26,167 --> 00:23:28,167
Don't everybody
be telling me to be nice!
501
00:23:28,167 --> 00:23:30,267
I ain't changing my life
for nobody.
502
00:23:30,267 --> 00:23:33,501
Harry, come on, don't blow
a good opportunity like this
503
00:23:33,501 --> 00:23:34,601
just because he's being
stubborn!
504
00:23:34,601 --> 00:23:36,701
Now, come on!
Don't push me around!
505
00:23:36,701 --> 00:23:39,467
Okay, Arch,
I'll bail you out.
506
00:23:39,467 --> 00:23:41,734
And we're partners,
50-50.
507
00:23:41,734 --> 00:23:44,100
Well, wait a minute,
50-50?
508
00:23:44,100 --> 00:23:45,734
What are you talking about?
Seventy-thirty.
509
00:23:45,734 --> 00:23:46,767
Sixty-forty.
510
00:23:46,767 --> 00:23:48,834
Uh--uh...60-30.
511
00:23:48,834 --> 00:23:52,434
Sixty-thirty?
There ain't no 60-30.
512
00:23:53,701 --> 00:23:56,467
Well, what do you gotta get
so I get 60?
513
00:23:56,467 --> 00:23:58,968
Forty.
I got you there, wise guy.
514
00:23:58,968 --> 00:24:00,033
Deal! Sixty-forty.
515
00:24:00,033 --> 00:24:01,868
How about that?
All right.
516
00:24:01,868 --> 00:24:03,434
Now, listen,
517
00:24:03,434 --> 00:24:06,067
10:00 in the morning,
you get down and open up the joint, see.
518
00:24:06,067 --> 00:24:07,934
Why me?
We're partners.
519
00:24:07,934 --> 00:24:11,334
When 60 talks,
40 listens.
520
00:24:11,334 --> 00:24:13,534
Oh!
[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]
521
00:24:13,534 --> 00:24:15,901
[ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
522
00:24:33,334 --> 00:24:37,267
♪♪♪
523
00:24:37,267 --> 00:24:39,033
MAN:ALL IN THE FAMILY
WAS RECORDED ON TAPE
524
00:24:39,033 --> 00:24:41,300
BEFORE A LIVE AUDIENCE.
525
00:24:41,350 --> 00:24:45,900
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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