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This programme contains
strong language from the start
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This is just another one of your
stupid lies to get away with shit.
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00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:09,280
It is total bullshit.
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The problem with being a teenager
is that no-one ever believes you,
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even when you're actually
telling the truth.
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It's not total bullshit, it's true.
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Fuck off. Why does Siobhan
need the two of ye
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to take Star to get her jabs?
You're just trying to go on the hop.
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Siobhan has a phobia of needles.
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Honestly, like,
we're telling the truth.
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I swear on me mam's grave,
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and that means a lot
cos she's already dead.
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OK, sorry.
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I might have overreacted.
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I just didn't think you'd be
doing something so thoughtful.
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It's OK, Mam.
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We all make mistakes.
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Take the day off
and I'll cover for you.
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And take Star to the doctor,
all right, but just...
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I've got to go.
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See you, lads.
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I can't believe she bought that.
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What do you want to do for the day?
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But as Jock says, if no-one's
going to believe us teenagers
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when we're telling the truth,
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we may as well be bullshitting
all the time.
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These are the Holy Grail of bikes.
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All other bikes have been
in preparation for these.
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They really are a thing of beauty.
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Look.
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Oh, boy, I don't know.
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I'm getting heartburn just
thinking about robbing them, like.
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Oh, no,
these bikes are getting robbed,
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and to be honest with you, we
actually just don't have a choice.
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Why...why's that?
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Well, I was watching this thing
on telly the other day and
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it basically said that working-class
people are locked in a cycle of
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criminal activity from a young age
and it's impossible to escape...
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..and that's us, boy.
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No, that doesn't sound true, like.
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Are you telling me
you're a middle-class fella?
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Fuck off, boy!
I'm not fucking middle-class.
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Fellas, how can I help you?
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All right, Philip.
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We're just going
to steal some of these bikes, OK?
46
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Oh, no, lads, please.
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This is getting too easy.
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I know, it's like
stealing candy from a baby.
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Stop there,
you little fucking pricks!
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Oh... Bollocks!
51
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Hey!
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Conor, I forgot to
tell you something.
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What's that? Get back here!
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These bikes might look cool,
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but they're the slowest
fucking bikes on the entire planet.
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Now you're telling me.
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Get back here, you little pricks!
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Can't find how to
change gears on this thing.
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My legs are knackered already.
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I hate to break it to you,
but there is only one gear.
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Healy's got 21 gears
and he's right behind us.
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Save your oxygen and
keep fucking pedalling.
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Coming through!
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Sorry for your loss!
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When Healy was dating me ma,
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I once asked him
what his favourite movie was,
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thinking he might surprise me.
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And guess what he said?
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Terminator.
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BOTH: Fuck!
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This is really starting
to be not fun.
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I have you now! I have you now!
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Hold up, hold up, hold up.
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I got these for emergencies
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and I'm pretty sure
this counts as an emergency.
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BANG!
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AIR HISSES
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Fuck's sake.
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Fuck!
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For fuck... He's still coming, even
with a flat tyre. What do we do?
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There's only one thing we can do.
What's that?
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We cycle out of the city... What?
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That flat tyre
will break him eventually.
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We've just got to keep going.
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Right, it's time to go up a gear.
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Yeah, that'd be great if
we actually had fucking gears.
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PANTING: Jesus... Fucking...
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There's one thing that myself and
Jock and that prick Sergeant Healy
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actually have in common -
we have all now participated
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00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:50,840
in the slowest bike chase in
the history of fucking bike chases.
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00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:52,920
What are you doing?
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STRANGLED ENGLISH ACCENT:
Temporary truce, old boy!
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How about we all take a break and
continue this chase in five minutes?
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00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:02,080
Yeah, yeah.
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Good stuff, old chap!
96
00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:05,360
Why's he stopped?
97
00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:09,600
It's the rules of war, Conor. A
white flag means a temporary truce.
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00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:11,880
What if he cheats? He won't cheat.
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00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:15,640
You can't cheat when someone waves
a white flag, boy. It's the rules.
100
00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:17,880
Plus, we've got youth on our side.
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00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:19,280
Yeah, but he's got fitness.
102
00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:22,280
And a faster bike, and the law.
103
00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:23,760
And he doesn't smoke.
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00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:27,200
Con, just a little bit of positivity
now, bit of fucking positive energy,
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OK, wouldn't go astray now.
Positivity, is it?
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I positively think we shouldn't
have stole these fucking bikes!
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OK, I don't need you up my hole now
about these fucking bikes, OK?
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00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:39,560
Here, boy.
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00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:40,920
Look at Healy, look at Healy.
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I swear that prick is moving, boy.
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He wouldn't do that.
Rules are rules, like you say.
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I'm telling you, boy, look at him.
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He is moving, boy, he's cheating.
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Cheating bastard!
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ENGLISH ACCENT: You bloody cheater!
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Jolly off!
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THEY GROAN
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PANTING: Come back here...
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Ah, God!
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My fucking legs!
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You won't get away...
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I have you now...
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Come on... Come on!
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That's it, boy. I'm quitting.
My legs are quitting.
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I can't cycle any more.
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Come on, Conor. Keep going.
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Jump on the back. Never
leave a man down. Get on!
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No, no, wait! You're too fucking
heavy. Get off me. Get off me!
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THEY COUGH
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BOTH PANT AND SPLUTTER
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Just keep moving, boy.
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Come on... Come on... We can do it.
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00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:04,960
In here... Get here...
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HE PANTS
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THEY LAUGH
136
00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:22,560
Woohoo! We did it!
137
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ENGLISH ACCENT: You may as well
go back to Cork, old boy.
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We've gotten away this time.
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That's it, old fella,
you might as well just
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toodle-oo back to fucking Cork!
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00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:37,200
THEY LAUGH
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00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:39,960
Fucking told you, boy,
you can always trust...
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00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,360
HEALY WHOOPS
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Yes! Woohoo! Oh, yes!
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Woohoo!
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00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:50,440
Why's he woohooing? What are you...
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ENGLISH ACCENT:
What are you woohooing for?
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00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:54,920
I'll tell you why.
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I've done it.
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00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:59,000
I've finally got you fuckers!
151
00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:02,880
You see, I know this place.
152
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:05,360
This is O'Donovan's old dairy farm.
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It's been sealed up for years
and there's no way out.
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I can wait here forever.
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You will get cold, you will starve.
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You will give up.
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I will get backup,
and I will arrest you, so...
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As I was saying, woohoo!
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He's right, boy! There's no way out.
What are we going to do?
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00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:31,040
We... We dig a tunnel?
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With our bare hands?
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That'll take fucking months.
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I'm going to be hungry in
about half an hour.
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I don't know! Do you have
any fucking ideas? Well...
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All right,
we set the warehouse on fire...
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Right, and then...?
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That's it.
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00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:49,240
We're fucked. Yeah, we are.
Yeah, we're fucked. We're fucked.
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ENGLISH ACCENT:
Good sport today, old chap!
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00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:58,760
If you leave us go, we will return
home to Great Britain.
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00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:00,560
I concur.
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00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:04,640
We will send forth
back to Blighty London.
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00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:07,520
I do know you're not English,
yeah, you fucking tools.
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00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:09,000
WHISPERS: How does he know that?
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00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:11,520
Don't know, just keep it up.
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00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:14,680
ENGLISH ACCENT: Perhaps... Perhaps
we could convene in the morrow
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00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:20,200
in town and we could pick this up
at some time and place...
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Teatime.
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00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:25,480
No. I'm staying right here
until you come out,
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00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:28,400
then I'm going to milk you just like
O'Donovan used to milk his cows.
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00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:30,640
That doesn't really make...
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00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:33,040
..make any sense, old chap.
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00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:36,320
Yes, it does, because it means...
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00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:39,920
Well, it doesn't fucking matter what
it means because I'm calling backup.
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Today's the day that
I take you two down.
186
00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:47,560
What are we supposed to do?
Ssh! He can hear us!
187
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:14,520
WHISPERS: What now?
188
00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:17,600
PHONE RINGS
189
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:19,240
Superintendent Flynn speaking.
190
00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:20,400
Sir, Sergeant Healy.
191
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:23,280
Active pursuit of suspects ongoing
on the Lissarda Road out of Cork.
192
00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:24,480
Request for full backup.
193
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,360
Jesus Christ, Healy.
What are you up to now?
194
00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:29,240
Sir, I have single-handedly
tracked and cornered those masked
195
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:32,360
teenage scumbags to O'Donovan's
old warehouse on the Lissarda Road.
196
00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:34,000
Wait.
197
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:37,520
Are you telling me you followed
those two little eejits
198
00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:40,960
that you're obsessed with all the
way out of town? Yes, sir, and...
199
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:42,600
You listen to me now, boy.
200
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:45,120
You need to start
looking after your mental health.
201
00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:48,880
Stress is the number one
health issue in men under 40.
202
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:52,960
You need to let go of this obsession
and come back to town. Right?
203
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,080
Good man.
204
00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:55,360
CALL ENDS
205
00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:01,440
This is all your fault!
206
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:03,720
How the fuck is it my fault?
207
00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:05,120
It was your idea to lie to Mam
208
00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:07,880
and it was your idea to
rob all the stupid bikes.
209
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:10,600
That just makes me
the fucking idea guy, Con, yeah?
210
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:12,120
OK, and don't take this
the wrong way
211
00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:15,200
but sometimes you can be
a boring dickhead!
212
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:18,120
So I have to choose between
either being a boring dickhead
213
00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:20,480
or getting arrested for
all the bikes we stole?
214
00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:22,080
Which is about 300 bikes,
215
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:25,040
or to put it another way,
four years in prison
216
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:26,680
or to put it yet another way,
217
00:10:26,680 --> 00:10:30,280
four brand spanking new holes for
lifers to fucking go to town on.
218
00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:35,000
Look at the fucking mess
we're in, boy!
219
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,360
We need to stop lying. You...
220
00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:39,280
YOU need to stop lying.
221
00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:43,120
Yeah, yeah, OK, Con,
you've made your point, OK?
222
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:44,800
But what are we going to do now?
223
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:49,800
We need to call Mam.
224
00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:52,520
We can't call Mam,
she'll fucking kill us.
225
00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:54,080
Of course she'll fucking kill us,
226
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,480
but she's also the only adult
that cares about us.
227
00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:58,920
We just need to call her
and tell her everything.
228
00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:00,600
JOCK EXHALES
229
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:02,680
All right.
230
00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:03,920
Yeah.
231
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:05,520
But not, not everything.
232
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:07,880
Everything.
233
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:09,480
Yeah? Yeah.
234
00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:11,520
But not everything.
235
00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:13,640
Everything, all right?
236
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,240
Yeah!
237
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,480
But... But not everything.
238
00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:19,440
Everything! I'm calling her now.
239
00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:20,720
There you go, love.
240
00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:23,120
Thank you, folks, we'll see you.
241
00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:24,720
PHONE VIBRATES
242
00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:30,680
What do you want? I'm busy cos two
dickheads didn't show up to work.
243
00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:32,600
WHISPERS: Mam, it's... Mam, it's me.
244
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,960
I know who it is.
What are you whispering for?
245
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:37,200
You don't have to fucking whisper
in the doctors.
246
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:39,280
Uh...
247
00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:42,160
Actually, we're not actually
at the doctors, Mam.
248
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,480
So you lied to me.
I fucking knew it!
249
00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:46,640
Let... Where are you?
250
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:47,760
What are you fucking...?
251
00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:50,720
No, look, me and Jock
are in serious trouble, Mam.
252
00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:52,080
What trouble?
253
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:53,880
Well, I...
254
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:56,920
I'll tell you but you have to
promise not to lose your temper.
255
00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:59,800
I won't lose my fucking temper.
Just tell me what's going on.
256
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:02,000
It sounds like
you're losing your temper, Mam.
257
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,400
I'M NOT GOING TO LOSE MY...
258
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:05,480
fucking temper.
259
00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:07,000
Just fucking tell me.
260
00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:09,520
All right, so, what happened is,
261
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:12,440
the thing is... So...
262
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:14,880
The only reason why I'm ringing...
263
00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:17,680
It all started back when...
264
00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:18,760
I was...
265
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:20,640
Eh... Fucking...
266
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:23,280
I can't do it. Here.
267
00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:25,960
Just make sure you tell her
everything, all right? Yeah.
268
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:27,960
Don't hold back.
Obviously, obviously.
269
00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:30,960
Mairead? Hello?
270
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,560
How are you, Mairead?
271
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:34,280
Listen....
272
00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:38,720
Basically, Healy has got some
fucking bullshit idea into his head
273
00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:40,720
that we're these
big-time bike thieves
274
00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:44,920
and he's chased us down to
a warehouse on the Lissarda Road.
275
00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:46,920
Obviously there's
no truth to it at all.
276
00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:49,000
We didn't do nothing, but...
277
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:52,840
we're trapped and we kind of just
need you to come and break us out.
278
00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:58,160
MUFFLED INDISTINCT SHOUTING
279
00:12:58,160 --> 00:12:59,600
Yeah?
280
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,000
OK.
281
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,080
OK...
282
00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:04,560
Yeah, yeah, see you in a while, so.
283
00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:05,840
Thanks, Mairead.
284
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:07,000
Yeah, thanks.
285
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:12,560
She all right?
286
00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:14,520
You know what,
she actually seemed...
287
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:15,960
seemed so all right about it.
288
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,320
SHE SCREAMS
289
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:19,680
STIFLED SCREAMING
290
00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:26,960
SHE SCREAMS
291
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,600
SHE CONTINUES SCREAMING
292
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:32,960
CRASH!
293
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:37,080
I'm going to fucking kill them...
294
00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:43,000
At least...
At least we told Mam the truth.
295
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:44,960
Yeah. All right.
296
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:48,680
Yeah, you did tell her, yeah?
297
00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:50,920
I spoke to her, yeah. Yeah.
298
00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:52,600
But did you tell her the truth?
299
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:54,440
Yeah, don't worry, boy.
I talked to her.
300
00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:57,040
Yeah, I know you fucking talked
to her but what did you say?
301
00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:58,800
I said that
Healy chased us down here
302
00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:00,520
cos he thinks we stole some bikes.
303
00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:03,840
All right, but did you tell her
that we DID steal the bikes?
304
00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:05,240
I spoke to her.
305
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:08,280
When she gets here we're fucking
telling her the truth, all right?
306
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:11,080
Yeah, all right.
307
00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:13,200
I mean, like,
we'll definitely talk to her.
308
00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:17,120
We'll... We will definitely do that.
309
00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:32,840
The fuck are you doing here?
310
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:36,200
You stalking me again?
311
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,320
No.
312
00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:40,960
No, I'm just here because...
313
00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:45,040
Wait, what are you doing
all the way out here?
314
00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:50,360
Jesus, like... This is where
I come to clear my head, all right?
315
00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:53,400
Everyone knows Lissarda Road
is Mairead's walking road.
316
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:54,680
Fuck's sake, like.
317
00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:57,360
How long were we together
and you don't even remember that?
318
00:14:57,360 --> 00:15:00,480
No, yeah, I do, I do,
I do remember that, yeah.
319
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:03,520
But honestly, I'm not here for that.
320
00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:04,840
Then why are you here?
321
00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:07,720
I've cornered two bike-thieving
scumbags in that warehouse.
322
00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:09,160
Really?
323
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:12,080
In there?
324
00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:15,000
Yeah, I've been after
those teenage bastards for years.
325
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,520
Now I've finally got the little
fuckers where I want them.
326
00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,480
Just waiting on...backup.
327
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:23,760
ENGLISH ACCENT: We would
like a negotiator.
328
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:27,760
Yeah, we're not leaving
without a negotiator.
329
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:31,880
You know, like in that film,
what's it called...?
330
00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:33,080
The Negotiator?
331
00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:37,400
Yeah. Like Samuel L Jackson.
332
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:39,520
Yeah, well,
Samuel L Jackson's not here.
333
00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:41,440
And he wasn't the negotiator anyway.
334
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,040
He meant Kevin Spacey.
335
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:45,200
Yeah, well, Kev's not here either.
336
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:47,880
We want to talk to the nice lady.
337
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:52,280
Not the Guard prick, the nice lady,
338
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:54,880
then we might give ourselves up.
339
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:57,840
It's just a thought but
why don't I go in and talk to them?
340
00:15:57,840 --> 00:16:00,120
Mairead,
this is police business, OK?
341
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:03,520
Healy, two teenage boys being pricks
is my area of expertise,
342
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:05,240
I think you'll agree.
343
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:07,960
If I can talk them out,
you can take the credit.
344
00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:13,400
Mam, come on!
345
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:17,720
HEALY KNOCKS
346
00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:19,000
Mairead? Are you OK?
347
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,200
If you boys lay a finger on her,
I swear to God...
348
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:23,200
I'm fine, Healy, I'm fine.
349
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:26,480
Don't worry, if anyone lays a finger
on me they'll fucking know about it.
350
00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:28,280
OK.
351
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:31,480
Hello, boys, how are ye?!
352
00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:33,800
Can we talk?!
353
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:37,080
Yes, I... I think
that's a jolly good idea!
354
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:40,600
That's an interesting accent
you have.
355
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:41,680
Yes.
356
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:44,920
We're from England, don't you know?
357
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:47,000
I know they're not
fucking English, OK?
358
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:51,480
So what the fuck is going on here?
359
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,000
What?
360
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,920
WHISPERS: We're talking
through this so Healy can't hear us.
361
00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:22,480
Seriously?
362
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:28,080
It's a massive fucking warehouse.
363
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:32,040
What did she say?
364
00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:35,720
We can have a conversation fucking
anywhere, just not by the door.
365
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,200
We're in some serious shit, Mam.
What do we do?
366
00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:41,000
Healy's after us
for stealing bikes.
367
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:42,480
Why does he think you stole bikes?
368
00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:44,360
Because... We did steal bikes.
369
00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:45,560
What?
370
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:47,240
We borrowed bikes, Conor.
371
00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:48,480
Oh, fuck!
372
00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:50,800
We were going to bring them back,
Mairead. I swear.
373
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:54,440
OK, OK, it's not that bad.
374
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:55,760
We go out, we face the music
375
00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:58,040
because it could be
an awful lot worse, right?
376
00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:00,120
For a start, he's got this mental
idea in his head
377
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:02,120
that the two of you
are those masked scumbags.
378
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:04,120
I think their names
are Fake Billy and Princess.
379
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:05,560
That's not the whole truth, Mam.
380
00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:08,000
There's something else we need
to tell you. No, there isn't.
381
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,680
There isn't. Yes, there is.
We need to let her know.
382
00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:13,520
No, we do not need to fucking
let her know. Let me know what?
383
00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:15,440
Nothing, OK?
We're telling you everything.
384
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:18,560
What's basically happened, he's
chased us down because he thought...
385
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:21,200
Give me... Give me the masks!
386
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:25,440
Lads, what the fuck are you doing?
Stop!
387
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:27,720
Get off me!
388
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:31,320
Give me the masks!
389
00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:33,960
I swear to God, Conor...
390
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:50,200
I... I can explain, Mairead. See...
391
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:51,760
We found the masks
in a bin last week.
392
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:53,800
Jock, will you stop fucking lying?
393
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:56,440
MAIREAD EXHALES
394
00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:57,800
Say something.
395
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:03,560
You've actually managed... You've
actually managed to fucking do it.
396
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:07,080
I'm fucking speech...
I'm fucking speechless.
397
00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:08,880
SHE EXHALES
398
00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:15,400
After all I've done...
399
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:19,440
What an idiot.
400
00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:24,400
Me or Conor?
401
00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:25,720
Me!
402
00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:27,000
And you!
403
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:28,440
And fucking you!
404
00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:29,760
And all of us!
405
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,640
SHE SOBS
406
00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:39,400
What do... What do we do now?
407
00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:41,920
There's only one thing we can do.
408
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:43,840
You're going to have
to turn yourselves in.
409
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:46,360
BOTH: What? No fucking way!
410
00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:49,880
You asked me to help you,
now I'm helping you, all right?
411
00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:52,480
You're teenagers. We can get you
solicitors or whatever.
412
00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:55,760
It's just, we... We stole a lot more
bikes than you think we might...
413
00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:57,640
No, no, we didn't, we didn't.
414
00:19:57,640 --> 00:19:59,960
How many? Like, five.
Maybe five, tops.
415
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:01,040
Yeah, nearer 200...
416
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:02,080
..and 50...
417
00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:03,840
..9. Might as well
just round it up to 300.
418
00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:07,640
I don't know where you're getting
these numbers from but your maths
is way fucking off, Con.
419
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,040
You're going to go to prison
for this, you know that, yeah?
420
00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:11,200
Boy, will you just stop?
421
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,520
I've had enough, all right?
Just fucking stop.
422
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:16,120
What are you crying for?
423
00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:18,240
Because this has upset me,
all right?
424
00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:19,640
You have upset me.
425
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:22,240
Listening to your bullshit
is great craic a lot of the time
426
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:24,880
but there comes a point where
you got to just tell the truth,
427
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:27,640
and you never fucking know
when that is!
428
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:29,800
Stop crying, boy,
you're going to set me off.
429
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:32,240
I can't just stop crying
now I've started.
430
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:34,120
I didn't mean to upset you.
431
00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:37,160
What do you want me to do, like?
432
00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:39,000
Maybe just tell the truth.
433
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,240
About what? About everything, boy.
434
00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:45,960
Sorry, boy,
I'll tell the truth from now on.
435
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,000
Sorry.
436
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:53,080
OK, Mairead, yeah,
we took them bikes.
437
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:57,480
We didn't find the masks in the bin.
438
00:20:57,480 --> 00:20:59,160
We are the masked scumbags.
439
00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:04,040
And what else?
440
00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:05,880
VOICE OVER:
Telling the truth is strange.
441
00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:07,680
Once you start, it's hard to stop.
442
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:11,080
And when I said... When I said
I did the washing the other day,
443
00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:14,320
I didn't do it at all.
I just licked the plates clean.
444
00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:15,440
Oh, Jesus.
445
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:18,040
And you remember
when you were called into school
446
00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:20,040
because we got caught
in the staffroom?
447
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:23,000
Well, the truth is, me and Conor
had been collecting pigeon shit
448
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:25,960
for a few weeks and we replaced
Principal Walsh's milk bottle.
449
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:29,640
That's enough. Oh, my God, this
feels so good, it feels so good.
450
00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:32,640
And Mairead, before you were
my Mam, OK, I used...
451
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:35,080
I used to have a wank
occasionally thinking about you.
452
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:38,280
Now, I wouldn't do that any more.
Stop fucking talking... La la la!
453
00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:41,160
Shut up! It was back in the day, OK?
Shut up!
454
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:43,240
OK. This feels so much better.
455
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:46,840
Oh, that's a weight.
That's a weight off.
456
00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:48,480
There you go, Mam.
457
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:49,560
You know everything.
458
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:51,600
I know too fucking much.
459
00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:53,240
What's going on in there?
460
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:54,480
Are you OK, Mairead?
461
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:57,440
I'm all right, Healy. Hold your
horses. We're making progress here.
462
00:21:57,440 --> 00:21:58,920
We'll be out in a minute.
463
00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:09,400
PHONE RINGS
464
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:12,640
Superintendent Flynn speaking.
465
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:14,440
Sir, it's me.
466
00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:15,520
Healy.
467
00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:17,960
Healy, please tell me
you're back in town.
468
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,200
Afraid not, sir.
469
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,280
Look, would it be fair to say that
470
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:24,560
you find me and my obsession with
these two boys a constant annoyance?
471
00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:28,400
Yes. I think it's safe to say
you're the biggest pain in my hole.
472
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:31,320
You're even worse than my prostate
and that's saying something.
473
00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:34,040
So would it be also safe to say
that if you did send backup,
474
00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:37,040
and we did catch these two,
you wouldn't have to listen to me
475
00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:41,080
going on about them, day in day out,
until the very day that you retire?
476
00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:44,000
Followed by daily house calls
just to keep you in the loop?
477
00:22:46,360 --> 00:22:47,640
Prick!
478
00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:52,720
Right, where are you?
479
00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:55,320
Hey! Scumbags!
480
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:56,760
The game is up.
481
00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:58,480
Backup is on its way.
482
00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:02,080
Fuck!
483
00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:03,720
Fuck! What do we do?
484
00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:06,080
Fuck, all right, there's only
one thing we can do, right?
485
00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:08,640
I'll distract Healy
and you try and get away.
486
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:09,920
How are you going to do that?
487
00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:12,400
How do you fucking think?
I'm going to flirt with him.
488
00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:14,120
You... You can't do that, Mam.
489
00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:16,320
It's fine. I'm completely over him.
490
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:19,040
I have no feelings for Healy
any more. Nothing.
491
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:21,200
No, no, no. You...
You just can't do that.
492
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:24,200
I've seen you try to flirt before.
You're fucking crap at it.
493
00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:25,480
I can flirt.
494
00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:27,200
And I'm actually really good at it.
495
00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:28,680
Hmm...
496
00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:31,680
OK... Go on, so, show us.
497
00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:33,000
All right.
498
00:23:34,120 --> 00:23:35,200
One second.
499
00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:42,040
Hey. How you doing?
500
00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:44,000
Do you want to find, like...
501
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:47,040
a quiet corner
and we can get to know each other?
502
00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:48,320
WHISPERS: Really well.
503
00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:52,560
No, I'm not sure
that's going to work, Mam.
504
00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:54,080
Huh? Yeah.
505
00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:58,120
That should do it all right.
506
00:23:58,120 --> 00:23:59,600
Don't do any more of that,
507
00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:01,720
especially after
what he said earlier.
508
00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:03,160
The fuck you doing?
509
00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:05,560
Right... I'm going to go.
510
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:10,120
And if, IF we get out of this, when
I'm finished with the two of you,
511
00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:11,760
you're going to wish
you went to prison.
512
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:15,360
Oh, I got a stitch, boy.
513
00:24:15,360 --> 00:24:17,760
Stitch? I got a stitch in my side.
514
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:19,120
From what, running?
515
00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:21,880
I don't know what it was there
but I must have got up too quickly.
516
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:24,720
Got a stitch or something. I'm going
to try and walk it off, yeah?
517
00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:36,200
What are you doing, Mairead?
518
00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:37,720
I lied to them, all right?
519
00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:40,360
I told them you're bluffing,
so they're not going anywhere.
520
00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:42,280
They think they've beaten you.
521
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:44,320
Right.
522
00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:45,920
OK, good plan.
523
00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:47,120
So you can relax.
524
00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:07,280
Look, Healy...
525
00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:10,680
Seeing as they're not going
anywhere, why don't we just...
526
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:14,160
..take this opportunity
to have a walk,
527
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:15,600
and talk about us?
528
00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:17,080
Us? Us.
529
00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:22,400
Mairead, are you saying you think
there could be an us again?
530
00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:24,120
That's exactly what I'm saying.
531
00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:27,040
What do you say?
532
00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:29,000
Fuck's sake.
533
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:30,840
Fuck's sake, really?
534
00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:32,720
So what, you don't
want to talk about us?
535
00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:35,360
You see this? This is what I'm
talking about. This is the problem.
536
00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:37,600
It's the same old shit,
just like when we were together.
537
00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:39,520
I never know
when you're being straight with me.
538
00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:41,920
The fuck is that supposed to mean?
I'll tell you what it means.
539
00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:45,320
Half the time I'm looking at you
and I'm afraid of you cos you
look like you want to hit me.
540
00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:47,160
Your fists are clenched
right now, Mairead.
541
00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:49,960
Well, half the time maybe
I do want to fucking punch you.
542
00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:52,840
Go on, then. What?
543
00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:54,720
If it will make you feel better,
do it.
544
00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:01,960
Better?
545
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:03,520
Actually, yeah, it's kind of...
546
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,120
Kind of starting to help.
547
00:26:05,120 --> 00:26:06,400
Well, keep going, then.
548
00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:08,200
Hit me properly
and then just keep going
549
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:09,680
until you get it out of your...
550
00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:12,080
Oh, that's better.
551
00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:13,560
What the fuck is Mam doing?
552
00:26:13,560 --> 00:26:16,560
Don't know, boy. Flirting must have
been different in the old days.
553
00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:18,360
Come on, let's fucking
get out of here.
554
00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:20,960
Wait, wait. What if Healy sees us?
555
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:28,920
One last time?
556
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:30,240
One last time.
557
00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:33,960
Here, Jock...
558
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:37,280
Could I be Fake Billy? Just once?
559
00:26:41,360 --> 00:26:42,640
Uh, no.
560
00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:47,360
Yeah, let it all out...
561
00:26:47,360 --> 00:26:48,920
There you go...
562
00:26:48,920 --> 00:26:50,680
That's good. That's good.
563
00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:52,280
Mairead... Mairead!
564
00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:53,680
SHE YELLS
565
00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:54,840
Right, get off.
566
00:26:57,320 --> 00:27:00,120
SHE PANTS
567
00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:01,440
Lying is one of them things
568
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:03,720
that people do all the time
without thinking.
569
00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:09,680
People lie to themselves...
570
00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:10,920
I'm so fucking over you!
571
00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:14,360
..lie to each other
to protect themselves...
572
00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:16,160
Yeah, I'm fucking over you too.
573
00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:21,480
..and when you're dodging
the police, everything is just
574
00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:22,840
one big fat fucking lie.
575
00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:24,080
Keep your head down!
576
00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:26,240
SIRENS WAIL
577
00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:29,280
And I guess wearing a mask is
pretty much the ultimate lie,
578
00:27:29,280 --> 00:27:31,960
cos you're not taking responsibility
for anything you do.
579
00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:35,040
OK, coast is clear.
580
00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:39,920
You really are the best, Mam.
Yeah, you are.
581
00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:41,560
And when we get home, we promise
582
00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:43,680
we'll do the washing of
the dishes for a whole month.
583
00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:47,040
VOICE OVER: Well, you can't
just expect me and Jock
to change overnight.
584
00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:50,320
We won't actually do it, though?
Not at all, no.
585
00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:52,120
It's going to take a bit of work,
586
00:27:52,120 --> 00:27:55,600
and guidance from our incredibly
loving and understanding mother,
587
00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:57,760
before we're fully reformed
bullshitters.
588
00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:01,440
When we get home we're having
a serious fucking chat
589
00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:04,160
about your behaviour, all right?
No, we've got homework to do.
590
00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:07,120
You're expelled from school.
Just stop the fucking lying!
591
00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:13,240
What the fuck happened to you?
592
00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:16,080
Never mind that, all right?
They're in there.
593
00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:18,720
It's all over, lads!
We're coming in!
594
00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:33,800
Fuck!
67099
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