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1
00:00:02,280 --> 00:00:07,760
This programme contains
strong language.
2
00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:10,200
It's been four weeks now
since Jock and me formed our
3
00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:14,520
start-up bike-stealing company, and
business has been fucking booming.
4
00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:16,280
Have we been selling bikes
for a month now?
5
00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:18,040
We must be loaded.
How much have we got?
6
00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:21,600
I haven't balanced the accounts yet,
but we must have shitloads, like.
7
00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:26,640
Is that it? Where did it all go?
8
00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:29,960
Void.
9
00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:38,040
I suppose we did have
a lot of overheads.
10
00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:42,600
The problem with stealing bikes
is it's a very inconsistent way
11
00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:45,440
to earn a living. We need to find
something to subsidise our earnings.
12
00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:47,960
If we did our driving test,
we could learn how to steal cars.
13
00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:50,640
Can't do that. There's too many
joyriders to compete with.
14
00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:57,760
There's been an upside
and a downside to the break-up
15
00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:00,240
between me mam and Sergeant Healy.
16
00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:02,840
The upside is he's not
banging her any more.
17
00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:06,960
The downside is he's got way too
much fucking time on his hands.
18
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:09,640
I have you now,
you little pricks! Bollocks!
19
00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:13,120
Believe it or not, myself and Jock
prepare for this kind of situation.
20
00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:15,680
So our identities
are kept incognito.
21
00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:19,400
My name is Charles Faraday
and I come from England.
22
00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:23,880
And I'm George Montague,
and I also come from England.
23
00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:27,640
# Give him a ball
and a yard of grass
24
00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:31,920
# He'll give you a move
with a perfect pass
25
00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:35,800
# Give him a ball
and a yard of space
26
00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:39,360
I see Margaret cut her hedge
again next door.
27
00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:43,120
Carry on, continue as you were.
28
00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:46,040
I haven't had a croquette in years.
May I? Thank you!
29
00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:50,280
# He's a nice young man,
it's a lovely smile
30
00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:53,480
# He's a nice young man,
it's a lovely smile
31
00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:57,320
# He's a nice young man,
it's a lovely smile
32
00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:59,200
Anyone else coming through?
33
00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:00,760
Oh, no. Go on, go on, go on!
34
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:18,160
There really has to be an easier way
to make money than this.
35
00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:22,400
Con...
36
00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:27,920
Jock and me nearly all have
the same idea at the same time,
37
00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:30,160
because we pretty much
share the same brain.
38
00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:37,240
It had better be good. All right,
three, two, one... Is it good? Yeah.
39
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:38,680
Ta-da!
40
00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:43,480
Well, where's the surprise? There's
a big heap of shit in the way.
41
00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:46,680
The surprise is the heap of shit.
It's a chip van.
42
00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:47,920
It's unreal, isn't it?
43
00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:50,360
We spoke to the owner, he said
500 euros and it's all yours.
44
00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:53,040
He didn't even charge us for
the tenner of diesel in the tank.
45
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,440
He's a fierce nice fellow.
46
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:57,280
He practically just gave it away.
You two want to run a chip van?
47
00:02:57,280 --> 00:03:00,280
We are going to be businessmen.
Entre pioneers. Entrepreneurs.
48
00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:04,240
You should learn to say the word
before you call yourselves that.
49
00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:05,400
Entre...
50
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:08,040
..pioneers.
51
00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:11,240
Entre pioneers.
52
00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:13,080
You should probably just stick to
53
00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:15,000
calling yourselves dickheads
for now.
54
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:18,000
We are going to be 100% independent,
not relying on no-one.
55
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:20,240
We need you to drive the van,
by the way. And pay for it.
56
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:24,200
We also need you to get free fish
for our business, which is called...
57
00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:27,040
Conor...
Jock and...
58
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,800
Jock and...
Conor...
59
00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:32,920
BOTH: Conor and Jock's
fish and chips.
60
00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:37,560
You two want to run a business?
You can't even run a bath.
61
00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:40,720
That's just because the immersion is
so hot, we keep burning ourselves.
62
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:43,840
And we were just eating our dinner,
and they came running through,
63
00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:45,680
and they took one of the croquettes.
64
00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:50,200
I don't know. Did you notice
anything about them physically?
65
00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:52,280
Were they the same height, or what?
66
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:56,160
Well, the tall lanky fellow was
wearing a white shell tracksuit,
67
00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:59,640
and the short tubby fellow was
wearing a blue shell tracksuit.
68
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,320
They were definitely English.
69
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:04,760
And I'd say by the sounds of it
they came from money.
70
00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:08,440
Billy's been dealing with getting
dumped the traditional Irishman way.
71
00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:11,320
First, drink shitloads of alcohol.
72
00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:16,000
Then try and ride other women.
Because you might even enjoy it.
73
00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,240
Just a little bit. Or a big bit.
74
00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:23,680
For the last time,
I don't want to see yours,
75
00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:26,520
and I'm not showing you mine.
76
00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:31,520
And when that doesn't work,
eat curry chips. Sorry, sorry.
77
00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:35,680
All right.
If you can think of anything else,
let me know, all right?
78
00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,240
Thanks very much. You
have my direct phone number.
79
00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:46,680
What are you doing here?
It's a total coincidence.
80
00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:48,480
No, not the same reason you're here.
81
00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:50,720
Yeah, we were looking
at a second-hand chip van.
82
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:54,200
Becoming businessmen. Businessmen?
Yeah. What about school?
83
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:57,160
School's for dickheads. Do you
know, if we were still together,
84
00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:59,680
these two would still be
finishing off their education,
85
00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:02,320
not coming up with hare-brained
business ideas. Is that right?
86
00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:03,840
Yes, it is right.
87
00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:05,920
It's actually been
scientifically proven that
88
00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:07,800
children who come from a...
89
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:11,120
Stable family environment
have a much better
chance of succeeding in life.
90
00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:14,160
Are you saying I'm unstable? When we
were together, you weren't unstable.
91
00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:17,000
I think she's very stable.
And how would you know?
92
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,440
Unstable people can't tell
how stable they are.
93
00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:22,800
They're too unstable.
Un-fucking-believable.
94
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,920
Jock, are you hearing this? Sure am.
95
00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:28,600
This coming from a man who chases
kids on bikes for a living.
96
00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:31,480
These two fellows
are the very picture of stability.
97
00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:33,440
And you see that woman there?
98
00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:38,240
She's like a lighthouse
in a sea of instability.
99
00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:40,160
And we never hit a rock. Never.
100
00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:43,160
Is being kicked
out of school not a rock?
101
00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:45,360
Getting a teenage girl
pregnant not a rock?
102
00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:48,520
What about having no future?
103
00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:51,000
Is that not a rock?
I could do with a rock right now.
104
00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:57,240
When you're ready to take me back,
we can fix all of this.
105
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:03,440
Fucking prick. Fucking prick.
Fucking prick.
106
00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:04,600
Heads!
107
00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:10,360
Do you know how we can get
back at this fucking prick?
108
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:12,960
How?
109
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:16,880
Imagine Healy's face if we turn this
into an actual successful business.
110
00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:18,760
Just look at it now.
111
00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:22,120
Imagine it sitting there all
sparkling and new looking.
112
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:27,440
And we are all wearing matching
outfits, like proper chip-makers.
113
00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:31,640
And then one day Healy
walks up to the van.
114
00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:36,520
He walks up and he's holding
his stomach in pain. He is starving.
115
00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:39,360
And all he wants
is some fish and chips,
116
00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:43,360
and he knows that you have the best
fish and chips in all the city.
117
00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:52,280
Oh, I'm Healy. I'm so hungry.
Please, please can I have some food?
118
00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:54,120
And you get that food.
119
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:56,800
You get a plate of the most
delicious fish and chips you
120
00:06:56,800 --> 00:07:03,000
could possibly make, and he's
dripping, foaming from the mouth.
121
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:04,720
And you just look at him and say...
122
00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:07,720
Go fuck yourself.
123
00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:10,400
Exactly!
124
00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:14,280
OK. Yes!
125
00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:19,160
We do it together as a partnership.
All right.
126
00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:20,640
And we split the profits evenly,
127
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:23,720
so me and Conor get 60%
and you get 40.
128
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:24,920
Done.
129
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:38,320
There's a spare seat.
130
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,480
Put that on the roof.
131
00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:45,520
# My heart had a hunger
for feelings of every kind
132
00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,520
# Down through the years...
133
00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:51,200
Righty tighty, lefty loosey,
the wrong way.
134
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,560
# But I hadn't the time
135
00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:59,040
Eesh! Fuck.
136
00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,440
Come on, look on the bright side.
137
00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:08,600
There's no bright side
to a chip van full of dead rats.
138
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:09,840
They could be live ones.
139
00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:12,520
That's your job, by the way.
140
00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:14,280
See ya.
141
00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:15,320
What's our job?
142
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,440
# You don't miss the water
till the well runs dry
143
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:24,960
There was a dead fox in the freezer!
144
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:28,120
Rev it. I am revving it.
145
00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:31,160
Are you using the pedal
on the right-hand side? He is.
146
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:34,680
Your other right!
147
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,800
Why didn't you say
that in the first place?
148
00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:43,760
You beauty!
149
00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:51,240
You need to use a little bit
of elbow grease for that bit.
150
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,200
Where do I get that from?
151
00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:01,120
Is that fun?
152
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:04,720
# The things that
I left way behind...
153
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:11,040
I think it looks brilliant.
I can see myself everywhere.
154
00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:14,640
Fair play, lads.
155
00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:17,400
# ..the water
till the well runs dry
156
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:20,280
# And you've nothing left to show. #
157
00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:23,840
I have work tomorrow,
so the two of you can spend the day
cleaning the outside.
158
00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:27,040
See ya.
159
00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:29,040
Division of labour.
160
00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:31,720
Can you just do it? I'm not
fucking doing it. You can do it.
161
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:42,200
How long have we been doing
this for? About 10, 15 minutes.
162
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:43,480
That's never coming off.
163
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:49,960
I have a better idea.
164
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:54,800
What the fuck?
165
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:57,680
We wanted to do something
that was eye-catching.
166
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,480
Pink is in.
We looked it up on the internet.
167
00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:06,440
No-one's going to take us
seriously in a poxy pink chip van.
The state of it!
168
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:07,920
Stand out and get us noticed.
169
00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:10,080
Healy's going to laugh his arse off
when he sees this.
170
00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:11,880
Who cares what he thinks?
171
00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:14,360
Not me. Exactly. What's the problem?
172
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:25,160
All right, mam? You sure you don't
want your name up there as well?
173
00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:27,240
No, thanks. It's not a problem.
174
00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:29,320
We can probably fit it in
between Jock's and fish.
175
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:31,320
No, honestly, it's all right.
176
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:35,200
Lads, this isn't going to pass
first time, you know that?
177
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:38,640
We just send it in for a test
and see what happens, all right?
178
00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:41,440
I've got a pretty good feeling
we might pass first time.
179
00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:44,440
I've got the same good feeling.
180
00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:48,240
These guys are picky fuckers. It's
going to take two or three goes.
181
00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:49,720
And I bet my life on that.
182
00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:01,120
Here you go. Clean bill of health.
183
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,080
You might want to keep
an eye on the back tyres.
184
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:06,000
The treads are starting
to get worn. Thank you.
185
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:11,000
What did I tell you?
I knew we'd pass first time.
186
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,760
Those were her exact words, yeah.
187
00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:20,160
It turns out, to run a business, you
need to know stuff about business.
188
00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:25,200
In business, your net profit is
the money you make minus your costs.
189
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:29,440
If someone was in, let's just say,
the bicycle business,
190
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:34,360
and they could get bikes
at a very low cost. How low?
191
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:37,560
Very low, total bargain,
practically free.
192
00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:43,600
Like, what you sell the bikes
for minus what you paid for them,
193
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,160
that's called your profit.
194
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:53,280
So... The less you pay for
something, the more profit you get?
195
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,360
Exactly! There you go.
196
00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:58,680
You're not as stupid as you look,
you know that?
197
00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:01,320
So let's just try and get the
potatoes and fish for free, then.
198
00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:02,800
Well, no, cos that's stealing.
199
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:05,200
Yeah, we can't do that.
Oh, we can't do that, no.
200
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,040
I didn't know you could cook fish.
201
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:12,600
I've been a fishmonger my entire
life, you pleb.
202
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,640
Then how come you never made
fish for me at home?
203
00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:17,120
Cos you only ate chicken and bread.
204
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,600
All right. Continue. OK.
205
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:24,000
Next, I need you to wear these.
206
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,360
Wait, is this really necessary,
like?
207
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:29,000
I can't remember the last time
I ate chips without hair on them.
208
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:32,280
Well, we're going to raise the bar,
then, aren't we?
209
00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:35,320
All right. Health and Safety
is really important.
210
00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:39,040
Are ye listening?
211
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:40,280
Yeah.
212
00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:42,080
And no touching yourselves at work.
213
00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:43,760
What's that supposed to mean?
214
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:49,600
The number one rule of running
a chip van, right, is no smoking.
215
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:52,400
Fags and fat equals fire.
216
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:54,680
Fags and fat equals fire, yeah?
217
00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:55,720
Repeat that now.
218
00:12:55,720 --> 00:13:00,680
BOTH: Fags and fat equals fire.
Fags and fat equals fire.
219
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:03,360
BOTH: Fags and fat equals fire,
fire, fire, fire. Say what?
220
00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:05,840
Fags and fat equals fire,
fire, fire, fire.
221
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:08,280
Fags and fat equals fire, fire,
222
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:08,280
fire, fire.
223
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:08,280
HE BANGS SURFACE
224
00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:11,600
Fags and fat equals fire,
fire, fire, fire. Yeah, you've
got it now. It's cool.
225
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:13,640
Fags and fat equals fire,
fire, fire, fire.
226
00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:16,120
And fags, and fags and fags and fags
and fags and fags and fags
227
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:18,160
and fags and fags and fags and....
228
00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:21,120
Fire, fire, fire, fire.
229
00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:22,600
Fags and fat equals fire, fire...
230
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,840
I'll give you a fucking clout
now if you don't stop.
231
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:27,320
Battle stations.
232
00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:31,560
All right, lads? Can I get one
fish and chips, please?
233
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,800
Just one of you do it.
Just one of you.
234
00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:51,040
Jesus Christ, ask her
for money, will you?
235
00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:53,680
Er, seven euros, please, madam.
236
00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:54,880
I only have ten.
237
00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:57,320
Here.
238
00:13:57,320 --> 00:13:59,600
It's seven, I'm afraid.
239
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:04,040
Hang on a sec, hang on a sec.
240
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:05,440
Three for you.
241
00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:07,520
OK. Enjoy the fish now, yeah?
242
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:11,880
This is unreal!
243
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:14,440
Unreal.
244
00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:15,520
Really?
245
00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:17,160
Luscious. Unreal/luscious.
246
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:18,480
Told you. Unreal/luscious.
247
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:21,880
That's us. Nice one.
Unreal/luscious. Try five.
248
00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:23,400
WHIRRING
249
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,200
You going to give us a hand,
or what?
250
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:34,280
I've got shit on the bottom
of my shoe.
251
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:36,440
Do you want me dragging it
into the chip van?
252
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:37,920
Didn't think so.
253
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:39,120
WHIRRING STOPS
254
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:45,040
I thought I told you to stop
coming round unannounced.
255
00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:47,440
You used to like when I called
round unannounced.
256
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:49,440
Yeah, well, that was before
I realised
257
00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:51,200
you're a fucking weirdo stalker.
258
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,400
I am not a weirdo stalker.
259
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,600
All right? I'm just here to collect
the rest of my things.
260
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:57,640
Fine.
261
00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:01,960
DOOR OPENS
262
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:04,040
Wait, is this yours?
263
00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:05,640
Yeah.
264
00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:07,760
You haven't been putting
it in your mouth, have you?
265
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:09,000
No.
266
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:12,720
Putting other people's toothbrush
in your mouth is very unhygienic.
267
00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:16,960
DOOR OPENS
268
00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:22,400
Watch, he's going camping.
269
00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:28,680
SHE CHUCKLES
270
00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:31,200
HE LAUGHS
271
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:32,680
Do you know I...
272
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:34,040
When I broke up with Linda,
273
00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:36,400
she left me with a fair
taste of shit in my mouth.
274
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:37,640
SHE SNICKERS
275
00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:39,200
Did you notice that, Mam,
276
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,800
when you broke up with Healy?
277
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,040
Yeah, I had an awful
taste of shit in my mouth.
278
00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:45,600
THEY SNIGGER
279
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:50,680
Slainte.
280
00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:53,480
Nothing, I just have something
stuck between my teeth.
281
00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:57,720
Mairead, I think that taste
in your mouth you're referring to
282
00:15:57,720 --> 00:15:59,160
is bitterness.
283
00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:01,200
And once you get past it,
284
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:06,080
you'll realise that what's
best for those two boys is us.
285
00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:07,360
Together.
286
00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:09,240
Stability.
287
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:10,480
Is that right?
288
00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:13,120
Yeah, well, they just had their
first day working in the chip van
289
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:14,840
and I have to say, I was impressed.
290
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:15,920
Oh, yeah?
291
00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:17,200
What was your turnover?
292
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:19,360
I turned over, like, one fish,
293
00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:20,680
Jock turned over two.
294
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:22,360
Two fish?
295
00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:25,120
Yeah, well, our turnover is going
to be something else
296
00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:26,800
at the Cork City match tomorrow.
297
00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:29,720
Ooh, you sure they're
ready for that now?
298
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:31,080
Thousands of hungry fans.
299
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:36,080
Could be made or break
for Conor'n'Jock's Fish'n'Chips.
300
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:37,520
They're ready.
301
00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:40,520
All right. Well, I'm
working on the match, too, so...
302
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:41,960
..I'll see you there.
303
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,160
Can't wait.
304
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:48,000
Would you like a mint?
305
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,840
Mam, are you sure
we're ready for that?
306
00:16:57,800 --> 00:16:58,840
Yeah.
307
00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:01,200
Yeah.
308
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:05,480
The key to being successful at
football matches with your chip van
309
00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:08,800
is get there early and beat the
other idiots to the best spot.
310
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:10,720
We're fucking 45 minutes late.
311
00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,880
Like, what were you doing in the
shower for that long?
312
00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:16,240
Same thing everyone does in the
shower for that long -
313
00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:17,280
having a wank.
314
00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:19,960
Oh, you two should start wearing
flip-flops next time, by the way.
315
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,160
HE CHUCKLES
316
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:26,480
Come on. Chop chop, chop,
chop, chop, chop...
317
00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:31,160
TANNOY: Ladies and gentlemen, please
take your seats for the second half.
318
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,760
CROWD CLAMOUR
WHISTLE BLOWS
319
00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:36,040
OK, so, look,
we missed the half-time rush, right?
320
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:37,920
But with any luck,
Cork City are going to lose
321
00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:40,800
and hopefully the supporters are
going to want to drown their sorrows
322
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:42,920
in fish and chips.
So huddle up, huddle up.
323
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:45,880
All right.
324
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:45,880
CROWD CHEER OUTSIDE
325
00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:48,160
Now, I know we all
have our weaknesses.
326
00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:50,920
Jock isn't good up front,
Conor's not great with the hygiene,
327
00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:53,080
but if we play to our strengths
328
00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:55,920
and don't let them on the other
side of the counter rattle us,
329
00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:58,360
I think we can get a really good
result out there today.
330
00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:00,400
Yes, gaffer. All right.
331
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:03,280
TANNOY BOOMS
332
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:04,720
APPLAUSE
333
00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:09,000
Mam.
334
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:10,920
SHOUTING
335
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:13,480
Oh, Christ. Well, they're
fish and chips...
336
00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:16,320
Give us a bag of chips
and two sausages.
337
00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:17,720
We don't serve fucking sausages.
338
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:19,800
Conor, you can't swear
at the fucking customers.
339
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:21,040
You just fucking swore at me.
340
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:23,920
We can fucking swear at each other,
but not at the fucking customers.
341
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:25,640
All right, sorry!
Sorry, what will it be?
342
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:28,040
A bag of chips and two
fucking sausages.
343
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,480
We don't serve fucking sausages.
344
00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:32,120
What the fuck, Conor?
345
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:35,680
Fine. A fucking fish, so.
And drown the bastard in salt.
346
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:36,800
Right. Say when.
347
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:49,200
When.
348
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:53,800
Yeah, Con, what's your
mum doing here?
349
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,440
Oh, she's a... My business partner.
350
00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:58,960
Could you just stop standing
round like a spare pair of pricks
351
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:00,320
and actually do some work, like?
352
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,320
Yeah, should have got
a silent partner, love.
353
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:03,560
THEY LAUGH
354
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,120
Ha-ha, funny.
355
00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:06,680
THEY SHOUT INDISTINCTLY
356
00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:11,000
Four pieces of cod.
Come on, will you?
357
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:12,320
Sorry, Mam. Sorry!
358
00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:13,800
THEY SHOUT
359
00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:15,320
You haven't set it up properly.
360
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,480
THEY SHOUT
361
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,480
Get me a fucking...!
362
00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:19,760
Quickly, will you? For fuck's sake,
what are you doing?
363
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:21,760
We're fucking trying,
aren't we? Look!
364
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:26,160
Give me a fucking tenner. Did you
change the gas cylinder?
365
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:29,200
BOTH: I'm fucking sorry!
I'm trying my best!
366
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:31,040
Checking to see how you
guys are getting on.
367
00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:33,240
Sorry, Sergeant, no special
treatment for the Garda.
368
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:34,920
You have to queue up
like everybody else.
369
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:36,720
SHOUTING DROWNS SPEECH
370
00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:42,480
I think something's wrong
with these here. Why?
371
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:43,680
They're soggy.
372
00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:45,600
The oil isn't hot enough.
373
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:46,800
What do you mean?
374
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:48,720
THEY SCREAM
375
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:49,760
How did you do that?
376
00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:50,920
Is that a fake hand?
377
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:53,640
It's gone cold. Did you change
the gas cylinder?
378
00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:55,000
Er...
379
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:56,800
I asked you to do one fucking thing.
380
00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:57,840
One thing?
381
00:19:57,840 --> 00:19:59,160
More like 100 fucking things.
382
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:01,280
Well, how were we supposed to
decipher what order
383
00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:02,960
to do all your fucking
orders in, like?
384
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:06,000
Well, then, what are you waiting
for? Just change the gas cylinder!
385
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,680
I'll change it!
386
00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:09,400
Jesus.
387
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:12,120
Sorry, folks. Just bear with us
for, like, 15 minutes
388
00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:13,640
and then we'll reheat the oil, yeah?
389
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:14,800
15 minutes?
390
00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:16,440
Fuck that.
391
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:18,720
CROWD: Aw!
392
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:20,040
Fuck.
393
00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:25,520
It's ready.
394
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:26,560
Oh, great.
395
00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:28,880
Why don't we just serve all
the no-people in the queue.
396
00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:33,840
Turn off the gas, will you?
397
00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:38,200
Four words, Mairead.
398
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,920
I told you...
399
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:44,280
Well, you know the last one.
400
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:49,760
So.
401
00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:56,280
Pick that up.
402
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:57,680
The boys weren't ready for it.
403
00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:03,280
I think, personally, we should have
404
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:06,000
a PTA meeting about our business.
Yeah, I agree.
405
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:07,640
A parent-teacher meeting?
406
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:10,280
No, it's a
partnership meeting, like.
407
00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:11,760
Partnership?
408
00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:13,680
You made me look
like a dickhead all day.
409
00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:15,600
I could have done everything
out there myself.
410
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,200
All right, Miss High-Almighty,
411
00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:20,440
here, this chip van wouldn't even
be on the roll if it wasn't for us.
412
00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:21,800
Oh, really? How come?
413
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:24,240
How do you think we passed the DOE?
414
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:25,360
How?
415
00:21:25,360 --> 00:21:28,160
The same way that we get our free
satellite television.
416
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:30,360
You bribed a government official?
417
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:32,320
BOTH: Yes.
We did. Oh, my God.
418
00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:35,240
And, do you know, Mairead? A little
bit of gratitude wouldn't go astray.
419
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:36,320
Yeah. Gratitude?!
420
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:38,200
Yes. Gra-ti-tude.
421
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:41,080
So, in your own time,
we'd like a thank you.
422
00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:45,680
ENGINE SPLUTTERS
423
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:47,560
Oh, God! Fuck! For fuck's sake.
424
00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:49,040
Fuck! Fuck's sake!
425
00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:51,440
Did you not put fucking oil
in the engine? That was my fault?
426
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:54,640
You failed the NCT and got
a fake document... Oh,
Jesus Christ! We did this...!
427
00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:57,360
You were supposed to... Oh, yeah,
it's our fault! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
428
00:21:57,360 --> 00:21:59,040
Who the fuck is this?
429
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:06,440
If you're not going anywhere,
any chance of a fish supper?
430
00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:07,960
ALL: Fuck off!
431
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:10,320
Fuck off.
432
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:21,600
No.
433
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,880
Yeah, I can fix it.
434
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:29,840
But between parts and labour,
it's going to cost 1,000 euros.
435
00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:30,920
And even after that,
436
00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:33,320
I can't guarantee it's going
to pass the DOE.
437
00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:35,520
It'll pass the DOE. Shut up, Jock.
438
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:39,880
How much will you give me
if I scrap it?
439
00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:41,040
What? You can't sell it -
440
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:43,360
we're partners. We need to make
this decision together.
441
00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:45,480
The partnership is over.
442
00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:46,600
I paid for this heap of shit
443
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:48,400
and I want to see what
I can get back for it.
444
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:49,640
How much will you give me?
445
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:51,360
Yeah, well, most of it is useless,
446
00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:54,280
but I'll give you 200 euros
for the engine.
447
00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:56,000
Perfect. We don't need an engine.
448
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,800
And now, I've heard it all.
449
00:22:57,800 --> 00:22:59,560
We don't need an engine?
450
00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:00,960
It's a fucking chip van, like.
451
00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:02,960
How are we supposed to get
to our customers?
452
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:04,000
We have a plan.
453
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:07,120
Is it as stupid as it was to buy
the chip van in the first place?
454
00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:09,600
We'll pretend
we didn't hear that one.
455
00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:11,080
That prick, Tony, was right.
456
00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:13,560
I am unstable.
457
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:19,480
And now, because of me,
you're both unstable.
458
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:23,320
You've no direction and you're just
latching onto every idiotic idea
459
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:25,440
that comes into your unstable heads.
460
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:29,920
We're all un-fucking-stable.
461
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:34,760
And I'm the lighthouse, yeah?
Just like you said.
462
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:36,680
In a sea of instability.
463
00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:40,080
Because my light's gone out.
464
00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:42,600
Your mum having a stroke?
465
00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:46,720
You two fucking idiots are just
crashing into these rocks,
466
00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:50,680
these giant rocks, and you're
sinking and you're drowning.
467
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:56,120
Er, will you give us a minute?
468
00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:01,600
FOOTSTEPS RECEDING
469
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:02,880
We are...
470
00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:05,360
Your light's not gone out, Mam.
471
00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:09,200
It's shining strong and bright.
472
00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:13,840
Since we're all speaking in
metaphors, here's another one.
473
00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:17,480
We were watching this science
thing on YouTube the other day
474
00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:22,280
and it said if you put a monkey in
front of a typewriter...
475
00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:24,520
No, no, it needs to be
an immortal monkey.
476
00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:27,120
Ah, yeah. It said if you put an
immortal...an immortal monkey
477
00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:28,360
in front of a typewriter...
478
00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:30,760
An immortal monkey? Like, where
are you going with this?
479
00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:33,320
No, you... Just listen to this,
actually. This is a good one.
480
00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:35,520
You tell the immortal
monkey to write
481
00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:38,040
the complete works of Shakespeare.
He will.
482
00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:40,160
I don't... I don't get it.
483
00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:41,960
Oh, wait, no. No, no, no,
you got it wrong.
484
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:43,160
Right.
485
00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:46,960
You have to ask the immortal monkey
to write for eternity, OK?
486
00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:48,640
Yeah. And then after a while -
487
00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:51,120
probably a long while... Yeah.
488
00:24:51,120 --> 00:24:55,080
..by pure perseverance, he will
eventually get it done. Exactly.
489
00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:56,640
He'll do it. Because he's immortal.
490
00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:58,920
He's some sort of, like,
god-monkey and if you keep
491
00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,520
at something for long enough,
you never quit, never... Never.
492
00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:04,080
..ever quit, then you will
eventually achieve
493
00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:05,840
the thing that you wanted to do.
494
00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:08,240
And that's what we are.
495
00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:12,160
We're the immortal monkeys
that never give up.
496
00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:14,520
And we learned from the biggest
monkey of all of them.
497
00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:21,920
Our mamma monkey.
498
00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:23,400
Our mamma monkey.
499
00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:24,960
We never quit.
500
00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:28,400
Aren't I?
501
00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:47,840
OK, well, like, we don't
have 1,000 euro to fix it.
502
00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:53,160
We do have a plan.
503
00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:57,000
It's a bit unconvenient, but...
504
00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:00,680
He means inconventional.
505
00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:01,840
Unconventional.
506
00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:03,000
Yeah. Yeah, OK.
507
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:04,240
SHE LAUGHS
508
00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:06,320
MUSIC: Praise You
by Fatboy Slim
509
00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:07,760
THEY CHEER
510
00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:21,120
CHEERING
511
00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:30,640
Not many things can bring a
community together, but it turns out
512
00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:32,760
Conor'n'Jock'n'Mairead's
Fish'n'Chips
513
00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:34,120
happens to be one that can.
514
00:26:34,120 --> 00:26:35,480
Roll up, roll up!
515
00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:37,560
Conor'n'Jock'n'Mairead's
Fish'n'Chips
516
00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:39,520
is back in business!
517
00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:41,280
THEY CHEER
518
00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:45,680
Quality fish and chips
made by Cork's finest fryer!
519
00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:47,640
THEY CHEER
520
00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:48,680
Right, what do you want?
521
00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:51,160
One kids portion of fish and chips.
Crispy as fuck, please!
522
00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:52,200
Order up!
523
00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:53,320
Do you want vinegar?
524
00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:57,400
There you are, sir.
525
00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:59,000
Some chips and two fish and chips.
526
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,360
Fish and chips.
527
00:27:00,360 --> 00:27:01,800
THEY SHOUT
528
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:07,080
Order up!
529
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:10,160
I love the crinkly ones.
530
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:11,280
Yeah, I know.
531
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:20,160
You're some sexy, greasy bastard.
532
00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:23,160
That's my fella! Yeah, I think
you left your tongue in his mouth.
533
00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:25,120
THEY LAUGH
534
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:29,640
We're going to move them
wankers out.
535
00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:31,520
Do me a favour here, lads.
536
00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:32,600
Let this one go.
537
00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:38,120
THEY CHEER
538
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:46,400
All right. Cheers, man!
539
00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:48,960
She's only just come in.
540
00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:51,960
She was on facey. Mmm.
541
00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:55,600
SHE SIGHS
542
00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:57,520
Right, that was the last customer.
543
00:27:57,520 --> 00:27:59,360
And we made 400 quid today.
544
00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:02,600
Do you know what?
545
00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:05,560
No matter what happens, I think you
monkeys are going to be all right.
546
00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:14,040
Oh, shit.
547
00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:15,080
What?
548
00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:17,840
Oh, Jesus, there's a fire!
Someone call the Fire Brigade!
549
00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:19,040
Fuck! Shit!
550
00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:21,800
I think I may have left
my cigarette in the ashtray.
551
00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:23,600
FIRE ROARS
552
00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:26,120
Where was the ashtray, Mairead?
553
00:28:26,120 --> 00:28:27,200
Next to the fryer.
554
00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:28,240
And what was your...
555
00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:31,520
What was your number one rule
for running a chip van, now, Mam?
556
00:28:31,520 --> 00:28:33,320
No smoking.
557
00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:36,400
Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
What was that?
558
00:28:36,400 --> 00:28:37,880
No smoking!
559
00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:38,920
BOTH: No smoking.
560
00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:43,720
Because fat plus fags equals...
561
00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:44,760
Fire.
562
00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:46,000
SIRENS WAIL
563
00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:46,000
Fire.
564
00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:48,960
Burn on.
565
00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:53,280
All right, well, I always fancied
getting a Chinese thing.
566
00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:55,040
Bah! Bah? All right.
66699
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