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1
00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:13,000
This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.
2
00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:16,520
Told you he wouldn't be here.
3
00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:18,360
He said he'll be here,
so he'll be here.
4
00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:22,200
Will we go wait in the bar?
5
00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:24,280
Hospitals don't have bars.
6
00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:25,640
Oh, yeah.
7
00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:32,440
That reminds me. Siobhan's having
her first baby scan today.
8
00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:34,560
I've got to go.
I'll see you tomorrow.
9
00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:35,920
See you in the morning.
10
00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:38,520
Just come on, Jocks,
pick up your phone.
11
00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:39,560
Come on.
12
00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:50,200
I can't help thinking there was
something important
13
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:51,840
I was supposed to be doing today.
14
00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:57,000
Aye, no, but if it was important,
you'd remember it. That's true.
15
00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:59,760
Got to trust your brain.
That's what it's there for.
16
00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:13,560
Are you sure this is a good idea?
17
00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:16,720
Yeah, just trust me, OK?
Cops don't lock.
18
00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:19,880
Have you just made that up?
19
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:21,680
Yeah, but it's true, like.
20
00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:23,760
Guards never lock their bikes
because they think
21
00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:26,400
there's no-one stupid enough
to steal a Garda bike.
22
00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:28,400
Except us. Exactly!
23
00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:33,760
All right, on three. One...
No, wait, wait, wait, wait.
24
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:36,000
I was thinking -
the main mistake people make
25
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:38,560
when robbing stuff out in the open
is that they move too quickly
26
00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:42,960
and they look really dodgy,
so let's just move really slowly,
27
00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:46,640
then nobody will even notice us.
Yeah, good thinking.
28
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,720
The last thing we want to do
is look dodgy.
29
00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:08,040
I know what you're thinking.
30
00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:10,960
How did two seemingly normal-looking
fellows like myself
31
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:14,400
and Jock think up amazingly clever
ideas such as this one?
32
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:17,280
Well, it just comes second nature
to us.
33
00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:20,120
We can think
without even thinking about it.
34
00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:31,040
This one's Healy's.
35
00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:33,320
Oh, bags that one!
36
00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:38,320
Fuck.
37
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:45,080
Jock, this one's locked.
38
00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:47,320
That's strange.
This one's locked too.
39
00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:49,400
Cops DO lock, Jock!
40
00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:51,960
Conor. What?
41
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,280
Stop moving slowly.
42
00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:56,320
Hey!
43
00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:57,400
Stop that!
44
00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:00,080
Stop that! Stop!
45
00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:03,840
Stop, you little...!
46
00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:06,920
What's your address? We'll drop
them back later.
47
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:08,280
You fucking pricks!
48
00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:10,000
Stop, you're under arrest!
49
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,840
57 Beechwood Drive.
50
00:03:16,640 --> 00:03:18,920
Gardai! Stop, you're under arrest!
51
00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:24,200
Give it up, boys.
52
00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:26,360
Excuse me, sorry,
get out of the way.
53
00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:27,400
Sorry, coming through!
54
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:32,040
Oh, look, there's a sale on here!
Yeah, I noticed.
55
00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:35,800
Excuse me, coming through. Sorry!
56
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:37,560
Stop! You're under arrest!
57
00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:48,720
Please excuse me!
Watch it, you shite!
58
00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:52,920
I don't like small spaces.
59
00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:55,840
Well, then, think of the prison cell
you'll be in if you don't move now!
60
00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:56,880
Gardai!
61
00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:05,120
I still can't help thinking
62
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,440
there's something I'm supposed to be
doing today.
63
00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:15,800
Sorry I'm late.
Is Jock not with you?
64
00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:17,560
No, is he not here?
65
00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:18,600
Fuck's sake.
66
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:22,400
Conor's phone is ringing now.
67
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,560
Conor, is that your phone?
68
00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:27,160
Conor speaking.
69
00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:30,240
Where the fuck are you?
Merchants Quay Shopping Centre.
70
00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:32,840
You're supposed to be
at the hospital for the baby scan.
71
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,680
Oh, bollocks!
72
00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:39,320
Jock, the baby scan! Oh, bollocks.
We need to take a detour.
73
00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,000
Gardai! Stop there!
74
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:46,360
There's no fucking way I'm going
down it. Fine, stay here.
75
00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:48,200
Stop there!
76
00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,760
This is the down elevator,
fucking gobshites.
77
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:53,800
Bollocks to that.
78
00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:56,200
Fuck!
79
00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:00,240
Better luck next time, dickhead!
80
00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:01,320
Fuck you!
81
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:02,520
For fuck's sake!
82
00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:16,720
He's got a big head.
83
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:23,520
All right? Let's scan the shit
out of this foetus.
84
00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:33,320
I told you how important this was
to me.
85
00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:35,440
And instead, you're off fucking
about with Conor.
86
00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:40,600
There's something myself and Orla
would like to talk to you two about.
87
00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:43,080
Now might be a good time?
88
00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:46,360
Adopt my baby?
89
00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:49,680
If we adopt, you can go on
being kids,
90
00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:53,560
grow up and have normal-ish lives.
91
00:05:53,560 --> 00:05:56,480
And the baby is going to need
a responsible father figure.
92
00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:58,680
Yeah, I'm responsible.
93
00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:01,720
Your irresponsible behaviour got you
into this mess in the first place.
94
00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:03,680
What did I do that was so
irresponsible?
95
00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:05,760
Not wearing a condom!
WHISPERS: Stop it.
96
00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:07,280
Oh, that's different.
97
00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:10,240
I'm responsible when it comes
to things not related to my dick.
98
00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:13,120
Yeah, but the problem is,
you are the tail,
99
00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:15,840
your dick is the dog,
and your dog is wagging its dick.
100
00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:16,880
What?
101
00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:20,080
I do what to a dog's dick?
102
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:23,720
Your dick is the dog,
you're the... You're the tail.
103
00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:27,480
You're a dog's tail full of dicks,
wagging out babies.
104
00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:31,040
What the fuck are you on about,
Barry?
105
00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:34,200
OK, look, when I worked
at a primary school,
106
00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:37,160
teaching seven-year-olds,
107
00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:39,360
I used to get them
to mind an egg for a month
108
00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:40,400
without breaking it.
109
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:44,600
That way, they could learn a bit
about what it takes to be a parent.
110
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:47,160
I bet you couldn't do it.
Bet you I could.
111
00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:49,560
Chickens can look after their egg,
and they're stupid.
112
00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:51,840
And Jock is way smarter
than a chicken.
113
00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:53,200
You're fucking right I am.
114
00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:55,920
All right, what do I get if I win?
115
00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:58,560
Forget all about
the adoption agreement.
116
00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:01,240
And if I win?
117
00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:04,480
I won't put up a fight,
and you can adopt the baby.
118
00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:06,960
Oh, this is idiotic
and it's pointless.
119
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,320
Shouldn't waste time on any egg,
120
00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:10,160
other than the one you fertilised
inside me.
121
00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:12,440
This is important, all right?
It's a man's thing.
122
00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:16,600
It's like... It's like banging
antlers out in the fucking Amazon.
123
00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:19,360
Your dad will respect me more
once I whip his arse.
124
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:22,160
There you go.
125
00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:26,080
Thank you.
126
00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:30,160
I'm going to call you Jock Junior.
127
00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:33,120
Can I be the godfather?
128
00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:35,600
Of course you can, Con.
129
00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:40,000
Godfather. Congratulations.
130
00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:42,640
Con.
131
00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:46,360
One month from now, yeah?
132
00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:47,640
Yeah.
133
00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:04,280
Thanks for the loan
of the bikes, boys.
134
00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:06,360
Sound, lads.
135
00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:07,560
Eggs get a bad rep.
136
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:11,000
They're actually pretty robust,
so keeping Jock Junior safe for the
137
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:15,760
next 30 days should be easy, as long
as we stay 100% focused on the job.
138
00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:17,160
Do you want to have sex?
139
00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:18,720
Jesus, fucking...
140
00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:21,880
What, w-why? Why-how? What? When?
141
00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:24,280
We... Wha... What's wrong?
Do you not want to?
142
00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:28,000
Fuck, yeah. But, erm, er...
143
00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:31,680
Look, I just don't want to end up
in the same shit mess
144
00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:32,720
as Jock and Siobhan.
145
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:35,280
We won't. We're not idiots.
146
00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:36,920
We'll use protection.
147
00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:39,920
All right, then. So...
148
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:41,760
Yeah? Yeah?
149
00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:42,960
Yeah.
150
00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:48,560
Oh, shit, sorry, I... Sorry.
151
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,360
My aim's usually better than that.
152
00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:51,680
When we're...
153
00:08:51,680 --> 00:08:52,960
..it will... It will be...
154
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,000
Sketch!
155
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:02,320
Hey, Jock. All right, sir.
156
00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:03,600
How are you doing today?
157
00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:06,360
Fine.
158
00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:07,680
That's great.
159
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:09,160
What's in your pocket?
160
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:12,600
I know what you're trying to do.
161
00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:14,120
Just saying hello, that's all.
162
00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:20,800
Hey! Principal Walsh is trying to
touch my balls!
163
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:21,840
Agh!
164
00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:24,040
I wasn't trying to touch his balls.
165
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:31,840
Where's the egg? You're supposed to
have it with you at all times.
166
00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:33,520
Conor has it, he's baby-sitting.
167
00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:35,160
Where's Jock Junior?
168
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:36,680
Oh, he's sitting on the wall.
169
00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:43,200
Jock, the wind!
170
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:44,240
Whoa!
171
00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:02,880
30 more days! You're doing great.
172
00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:04,640
HE CHUCKLES
173
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:11,120
What the hell, Con?
That was so irresponsible.
174
00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:13,320
WHISPERS: Say you did it.
175
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:16,040
It was me, it's my fault.
It was my fault that it...
176
00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:18,320
That... It was...me.
177
00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:22,920
Well, Linda obviously can't be
trusted with an egg, then.
178
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:27,120
From now on, one of us has to be
holding Jock Junior at all times.
179
00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:33,920
As people get older, they care
less about ripping each other's
180
00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:36,080
clothes off
and more about picking them up.
181
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:37,560
Is that yours?
182
00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:38,880
Er, yes.
183
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:48,920
For a guard,
184
00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:52,240
you'd think Healy would be more
concerned about living like a pig.
185
00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:58,320
How many times do I have to tell you
to tidy your shit up after you?
186
00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:01,320
I have a system - cook, eat,
then clean.
187
00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:02,760
Don't you mean cook, eat,
188
00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:04,720
then leave your shit everywhere?
189
00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:11,040
Somebody's not getting their hole
tonight.
190
00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:13,560
CONOR LAUGHS
191
00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:15,040
He fucking wishes.
192
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:20,680
Oh, wait, that's weird.
193
00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:34,240
Just passing through.
194
00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:40,480
Come here, you're taking the old
community service a bit far.
195
00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,560
POLICE RADIO: Disturbance outside
the Old Al bar.
196
00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:43,720
Any Gardai in the area?
197
00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:46,200
Yeah, I'll go for it.
198
00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:48,240
Are we on a bit of a rush, yeah?
199
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:52,440
Just a quick question. Would you say
I fall in through the cracks?
200
00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:55,600
Any chance of a grass or not? No.
201
00:11:57,480 --> 00:12:00,000
RUMBLING OUTSIDE
202
00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:09,200
What the hell are you
doing in my garden? Compacting.
203
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:13,160
Your buddy the Gardai
went off for a spin on his bicycle
204
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,720
and he left
the place in an awful state.
205
00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:22,720
Well, I'm not paying you nothing.
I don't want your money.
206
00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:24,960
Sure I owe you one. One what?
207
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:27,840
One, like. You know, from before?
208
00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:32,880
I filled your bucket for you.
Where do you want this?
209
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:36,120
Er...
210
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,520
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
211
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:43,600
You can, er, just leave it
down there by the fireplace.
212
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,400
Mam.
213
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:49,640
Come over.
214
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:54,880
What's he doing here? He said
he owes me one.
215
00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:57,600
One what? You can't just be letting
psychos into the gaff
216
00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,040
because they owe you one.
217
00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:02,040
All right, look, whatever you do,
just don't feed him.
218
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:05,920
Why not?
219
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:09,760
Because he's like a stray dog.
He'll just keep coming back.
220
00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:12,080
BILLY SNIFFS
221
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:18,360
What have you got there?
222
00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:19,400
Nothing.
223
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:22,680
If it's nothing, then why are you
being so protective of it?
224
00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:24,200
Just, just an egg.
225
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:25,920
BILLY LAUGHS
226
00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:28,960
It must be a special egg.
Sure, give us a look.
227
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:30,920
CONOR GRUNTS
228
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:32,920
Careful. Be careful.
229
00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:36,520
He doesn't look very happy now,
does he?
230
00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:39,960
Sure, I'm starving. No, you wouldn't
like that egg, it's...
231
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:41,880
It's not an eating egg.
232
00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:44,120
All eggs are eating eggs, all right?
233
00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:46,760
Er, th-this has gone past
its best-before date, so...
234
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:48,840
It's my favourite. Show.
235
00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:52,000
Look, I'll just throw it
into the pan there
236
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:53,960
and we'll have
a bit of scrambled egg.
237
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:55,680
Please, no, don't.
238
00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:57,800
Be careful, be careful.
What's wrong with you, eh?!
239
00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:01,120
You swear you laid the fucking thing
yourself! It's only an egg.
240
00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:04,600
Cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck!
Cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck! Cluck!
241
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:20,040
There's nothing like a fresh
biscuit,
242
00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:21,640
straight out of the packet.
243
00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:26,480
Draw the curtain down, Mairead.
Could be here for a while.
244
00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:36,560
After three days, you will be
walking out of that hospital
245
00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:38,320
with a newborn baby.
246
00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:46,160
No matter what you hear people say,
I don't think anyone really
247
00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:48,680
gives a shit about an egg
until it is THEIR egg.
248
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:50,920
The circled items
are the ones we're going to need.
249
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:52,520
And when it IS their egg,
250
00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:55,560
people will spend every last penny
they have -
251
00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:57,280
or don't have - on it.
252
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:04,200
Oh, my God!
253
00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:07,640
They do so much worrying about their
egg, they pretty much never get
254
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:11,560
a good night's sleep ever again,
and neither does their partner.
255
00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:15,240
It is a major procedure
you're going in for,
256
00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:17,560
and there are risks.
257
00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:21,120
Dads, if anything goes wrong
in there, you will have
258
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:24,240
a lot of responsibility
on your hands.
259
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:25,640
Let's take a look, shall we?
260
00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:29,840
WOMAN GROANS
261
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,120
WOMAN SCREAMS
262
00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:39,040
WOMAN ON FILM: Oh, fuck!
263
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:43,760
Be right back.
264
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,000
SCREAMING CONTINUES
265
00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:58,760
You didn't, you did not leave her.
266
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:02,960
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
267
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,120
The fuck is that?
268
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:09,440
THAT'S name is Kevin.
Aoife Manny's baby.
269
00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:12,440
I offered to mind him
for the weekend while herself
270
00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:15,200
and her fellow are up in Dublin,
and you're going to help
271
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:17,200
because you need to get
some practice in.
272
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:20,280
But... But I have to look after
Jock Junior.
273
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:23,320
You've wasted enough time
with that smelly old egg.
274
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,400
Well, what about dinner
at the Walshes'?
275
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,480
Well, just bring him along.
276
00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:28,520
Right.
277
00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:31,120
BABY COOS
278
00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:34,680
He's so small!
279
00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:36,400
He's like four foot.
280
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:40,920
BABY GRUMBLES
281
00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:48,600
Look, it's...
282
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:52,600
No, it's the other way, lads.
Smiles.
283
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,200
Put the brake off.
284
00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:07,560
Siobhan has been trying to
get our two families to be more
285
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:10,160
friendly with each other
ever since she got pregnant,
286
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:12,840
and we've all been
making a big effort.
287
00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:14,360
So nice to see you.
288
00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:16,280
What a joy.
289
00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:18,720
Been looking forward to this
all week.
290
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:20,320
Your big hair looks lovely.
291
00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:23,120
But so does your flat hair.
292
00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:27,280
Come in, come in, come in.
293
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:37,960
He's not mine.
294
00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:40,520
BABY COOS
295
00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:43,000
Mind, I think the baby suits him.
Don't you?
296
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,160
Conor, do you want to come upstairs
297
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:53,360
and see my collection
of dead butterflies?
298
00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:56,480
Dead butterflies?
299
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:05,360
Do you have a condom?
300
00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:06,960
CONOR SPLUTTERS
301
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:11,280
What?
Wi... With all them downstairs?
302
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:21,560
Whatever your dad's cooking
smells like shit.
303
00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:24,080
That the baby's bum.
It needs changing.
304
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:27,040
You do it and I'll supervise.
305
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:29,200
I'm not changing any bums.
Here, Siobhan.
306
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:31,960
I'm not helping. There's no way
I'm doing all the nappy changing
307
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:33,320
when our baby comes along.
308
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:37,560
Pull harder, will you?
I'm doing all the work.
309
00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:39,240
CONOR GRUNTS
310
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:41,400
BABY COOS
311
00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:46,160
Where's the egg? Right here.
312
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,240
He was a minute ago.
313
00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:50,880
It's hardly good parenting, is it?
Not knowing where your egg is.
314
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:53,200
Jock, just concentrate
on what you're doing.
315
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:56,480
Och, look, there's shit everywhere.
316
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,160
It's a baby, that's what happens.
317
00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:02,680
I'll give you until a count of ten,
and if you don't produce the egg,
318
00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:05,360
I'm going to announce myself the
winner. It was just here, OK?
319
00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:06,720
One...
320
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:09,800
Linda, are you still there?
321
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:12,680
Two... Here, look, Siobhan, will you
give me a hand looking for the egg?
322
00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:15,000
It doesn't mean shit, Jock.
Just stop worrying about it.
323
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:16,600
Three... Con!
324
00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:17,800
Con...
325
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:19,640
Do you have the egg? Bollocks!
326
00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:20,840
Four...
327
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:22,320
BABY CRIES
328
00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:24,480
I'm making a balls of this.
Will you just take over?
329
00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:25,520
Five!
330
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:28,240
Fucking egg!
331
00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:29,520
Six!
332
00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:30,560
BABY PASSES WIND
333
00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:33,360
You might want to stick a nappy on
it before it squirts more poo out.
334
00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:35,640
Oh, Mairead, look, serious,
would you just take over?
335
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:36,840
You need to learn!
336
00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:38,840
No, I'm done!
337
00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:40,040
Seven.
338
00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:42,000
A baby is a full-time job!
339
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,280
You can't just clock out
whenever you feel like it.
340
00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:46,800
You have to do it
day after day after day.
341
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:47,960
Eight...
342
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:50,400
Because your child is never going
to stop needing you.
343
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,480
I mean, you of all people
should know that.
344
00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:53,520
Nine.
345
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:55,080
Fuck you, Mairead.
346
00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:58,640
Ten. I win!
347
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,960
Fine. You're the winner.
348
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:06,080
If you want to adopt this baby
so much, you can fucking have it.
349
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:10,040
If I could go back
and cock block my own cock, I would.
350
00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:12,880
Because being a dad
is for dickheads.
351
00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:17,440
All right? The egg is fine.
I've got it here.
352
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:24,240
This is for the best.
353
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:25,760
The last thing you need
354
00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:28,240
is someone who acts like that
in your baby's life.
355
00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:30,120
SHE CRIES
356
00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:34,400
And Father of the Year goes to
357
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:37,200
yet again Barry Wanker Walsh.
358
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:43,080
You're all right.
359
00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:45,240
You'll be thanking me in the end.
360
00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:46,760
You know you will.
361
00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:01,760
You all right?
362
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,040
What are you still hanging
on to that egg for?
363
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:32,120
One day left on Principal Walsh's
stupid egg challenge.
364
00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:34,240
When it's over, I'm going to
hard-boil it
365
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:35,520
and shove it up his hole.
366
00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:37,920
You'd have trouble getting a pea
up his hole.
367
00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:40,920
Oh, I'll get it up there all right.
368
00:21:51,360 --> 00:21:53,440
You know you're going to be
that baby's father,
369
00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:54,600
whether you like it or not.
370
00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:56,920
No stupid egg bet's going
to change that.
371
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:02,320
I haven't a clue what I'm doing.
372
00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:03,720
Well, join the club.
373
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:05,400
Sure I didn't have a fuckin' clue.
374
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:07,280
Like, when Conor arrived,
I was like,
375
00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:09,760
"What the fuck is this? Like,
what do I do with it, like?"
376
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:11,920
You'll figure it all out, I promise.
377
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:15,280
Children are disgusting, by the way.
378
00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:17,920
Stuff comes out of every hole in
their body, like.
379
00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:19,880
Thought you were trying to help me
here, like.
380
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:22,080
I'm just trying to
prepare you for it, like.
381
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:24,160
You've got to, like,
clean their armpits
382
00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,760
cos they get cheesy and everything.
Cheese?
383
00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:28,360
Oh, yuck.
384
00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:30,400
As long as the baby's cute,
you'll be fine.
385
00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:32,080
If it's not cute, then...
386
00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:34,000
Obviously, it's going to be
cute looking.
387
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:36,040
They're harder to love
when they're not cute.
388
00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:38,680
Imagine it he's like me...
If it looks like you, it's fucked.
389
00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:40,960
If it looks like...
A big gangly baby.
390
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,720
Fuck off.
391
00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:44,240
A big lanky baby.
392
00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:45,600
Yeah.
393
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:52,360
You're going to be grand.
394
00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:57,920
DOORBELL RINGS
395
00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:22,520
Hi.
396
00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:23,560
Argh!
397
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:26,800
I always imagined losing
my virginity
398
00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:28,800
for the first time somewhere classy,
399
00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:31,120
like, in a house.
400
00:23:31,120 --> 00:23:34,760
But when you're a teenager, you've
got to go with whatever's available.
401
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:38,400
Dad gave Siobhan a key to his
office, while she's pregnant,
402
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:40,800
just in case she wants to get sick
in private.
403
00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:43,520
He won't be back for another HOUR.
404
00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:48,080
Er...will he not...smell the sex
when he does get back?
405
00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:52,280
Very clever.
406
00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:53,520
I know.
407
00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:55,040
Erm. Come on.
408
00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:56,160
Let's do this.
409
00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:08,040
Jock gave me some pretty great
advice
410
00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:09,600
on how to get women in the mood,
411
00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:11,800
which I've been saving
for this occasion.
412
00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:14,560
It's called foreplay.
What are the four plays?
413
00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:16,400
What, you don't know the four plays?
414
00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:21,400
All right. Play one, OK. You've got
to use tongue, and lots of it.
415
00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:24,240
Slow, like a wave, like a crest of
a wave hitting a beach.
416
00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:32,320
Play two, you've got to get naked,
but do it slowly, like a stripper.
417
00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:45,720
What is that?
418
00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:46,760
What's what?
419
00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:47,800
That.
420
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:51,440
It's my landing strip.
421
00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:52,840
Play number three,
422
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:55,920
you've got to talk about your dick
so that she's not intimidated by it.
423
00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:57,520
Talk about my dick.
424
00:24:57,520 --> 00:24:58,960
Before we get down to business,
425
00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:01,040
you should know that I have this
skin tag on my knob
426
00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:02,160
that'll look a bit weird.
427
00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:04,280
But the doctor said
it's nothing to worry about
428
00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:06,880
and you won't even notice it
once I put the condom on.
429
00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:10,000
It's time for play number four.
430
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:12,880
Stick it in,
then wiggle it all about.
431
00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:18,760
SNAP!
432
00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:18,760
Mm.
433
00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:21,320
Fuck. Come on, dick. Get up.
434
00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:23,440
I can't shut you up
when she's not around. Come on!
435
00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:25,200
What's taking so long?
436
00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:27,480
A WATCHED POT NEVER BOILS, LINDA.
437
00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:32,480
Oh, Jesus Christ.
438
00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:38,840
SIOBHAN RETCHES
439
00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:40,600
Linda.
440
00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:42,440
Let me in, I need to get sick.
441
00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:44,040
FUCK OFF.
442
00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:52,920
I just...I just need a second.
443
00:25:56,120 --> 00:25:58,400
What's wrong? Is there something
wrong with your dick?
444
00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:00,600
There's nothing wrong with my dick,
my dick's fine.
445
00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:01,880
I can't get it up.
446
00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:04,360
Will you help me? You've just got
to talk dirty or something.
447
00:26:04,360 --> 00:26:05,640
SLAPPING
448
00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:08,560
What do you want me to say? Well,
you know, who's...who's your daddy?
449
00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:11,440
Barry Walsh... I mean...
No, don't say that. ..I mean, you.
450
00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:13,520
I'm happy to give it a go
with half a boner.
451
00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:29,000
Take a look at this.
452
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:30,320
That hasn't got a scratch on it.
453
00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:34,400
Look at it, go on, you can shake it,
if you like. Knock yourself out.
454
00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:36,120
Oh, what now?
455
00:26:36,120 --> 00:26:37,840
And I know it's just a fucking egg.
456
00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:39,120
But it has to mean something
457
00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:41,120
that I managed to keep that safe
for a month.
458
00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:42,600
I bet YOU couldn't do it.
459
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:44,080
I'm already a dad.
460
00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:47,600
I've been through the wars, so
minding this egg will be a doddle.
461
00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:54,600
Looking after something as fragile
as an egg isn't easy.
462
00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:57,320
But at least when I say I'm going
to do something, I do it.
463
00:26:57,320 --> 00:27:01,040
Like, when I say I'm going to be
there for the baby, I'll be there.
464
00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:03,240
Why are you telling HIM this?
465
00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:04,840
I was on my way to see you, but...
466
00:27:04,840 --> 00:27:07,720
..he passed through my trajectory.
467
00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:11,880
Look, I know I know fuck-all
about babies.
468
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:15,480
But I've got two arms and two legs,
and I can do some stuff to help out.
469
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:19,480
Even if I'm not very good at it,
I promise I'll be there.
470
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:26,800
Principal Walsh. What is it?
471
00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:29,960
Your other daughter is riding some
young fella in your office.
472
00:27:32,040 --> 00:27:34,160
Dad, come back,
I think my waters broke.
473
00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:39,280
Dad, just...
474
00:27:39,280 --> 00:27:41,800
They're not going to have sex,
listen.
475
00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:43,880
I'm sorry, Linda. It's my fault.
476
00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:47,280
I've been putting your dick
under pressure.
477
00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:49,200
We've all the time in the world.
478
00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:50,920
Oh, thank Christ.
479
00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:51,960
Yeah.
480
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:54,400
Do you know I've actually stopped
watching porn
481
00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:56,120
where the women talk to the camera?
482
00:27:56,120 --> 00:27:58,200
Cos it feels like I'm cheating
on you.
483
00:27:58,200 --> 00:27:59,760
That's so sweet.
484
00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:03,720
When I watch porn,
I picture your face on all the men,
485
00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:06,600
even though your face doesn't match
their big bodies.
486
00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:17,240
While we're here, do you want
to give each other hand jobs?
487
00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:19,440
Oh, yeah. I bags sitting
in your dad's chair.
488
00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:23,960
HEY, YOU! PUT THAT LITTLE THING AWAY
AND GET YOUR TROUSERS BACK ON!
489
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:25,640
SNAP!
490
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:25,640
Ah!
491
00:28:42,840 --> 00:28:45,760
So, do you want to know
if it's a boy or a girl?
492
00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:48,520
Is it a girl?
493
00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:49,560
Correct.
494
00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:52,320
A girl?
495
00:28:52,320 --> 00:28:54,160
Have you got a problem with that?
496
00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:55,720
A smaller version of you?
497
00:28:58,520 --> 00:29:00,360
Loving this baby's going to be easy.
498
00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:08,320
And with me as her godfather
and mentor,
499
00:29:08,320 --> 00:29:11,240
there won't be a bike in the city
she won't know how to nick.
56035
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