All language subtitles for A Bit Of Fry And Laurie S02E05

Thank you. Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you so very much.

Well, good evening.

Good evening, ladies and
gentlemen, and welcome.

Well, my hands are
a bit full so, Hugh,

perhaps you wouldn't mind doing
the apostrophes for me this week?

- Certainly, right.
- Welcome to A Bit of Fry and Laurie.

Some very, very exciting news.

I received a letter today.

- Hugh, if you would.
- Right.

A letter from Buckingham Palace
and I'm going to read it to you.

"Dear Mr Fry..." Misspelt.

"Thank you very much for
applying for the MBE.

"As you know,
numbers are limited.

"We have only one MBE left on
the upcoming Honours List."

- Oh, dear.
- It's disappointing, isn't it?

- That is disappointing. "Upcoming"?
- Yes. Rather American, isn't it?

Still, it goes on.

"Apart from yourself, the
shortlist includes Arthur Holt,

"Reading's Mr Ballbearings,

"Elspeth Reid, deputy to the deputy-deputy
of the Chobham Conservative Party

"and Sally Cooke." Who is an
Olympic athlete, is that right?

Oh,
come on. Everyone knows who Sally Cooke is.

Sorry, okay.

"And the winner will be the one
who, in the opinion of the judges,

"comes up with the best slogan."

- Slogan?
- Yes, you have to say,

in not more than 10 words,

why you think the Queen is
both marvellous and important.

Right. Well...

Well, come on, Hugh. You're
a words man. Have a go.

It can't be that hard,
can it? In 10 words.

Not more than.

Right. I think the Queen is both
marvellous and important because...

That's it.

- What?
- 10 words.

"I think the Queen is both
marvellous and important because."

- Yeah. It's got sort of a ring to it.
- Yeah.

- It's not overstated.
- No, no. She'd like that, the Queen.

- Very, very understated woman.
- Terribly understated.

- Discreetly understated.
- Oh, yes, discreet.

She'd never fall into the easy trap
of overstating her understatedness.

- Exactly. Very like Sally Cooke, actually.
- Yes.

I think the Queen and Sally
Cooke would get on very well.

That's true, actually, isn't it?

Let's face it. Sally
Cooke's got it, hasn't she?

- She'll win the MBE.
- Yeah, yeah.

Well, then, ladies and gentlemen,
a big A Bit hand for Sally Cooke,

captain of the British Winter
Olympics synchronised losing team!

This is Dominic Appleguard.

Dominic Appleguard is unhappy.

When Dominic Appleguard
was three months old,

his mother left him.

Dominic Appleguard always felt
different from the other boys at school.

He felt apart, somehow separate.

Unlike them, dissimilar,
not the same.

Dominic's father died
when he was only seven.

Dominic developed a passion for
broadcaster and TVpersonality Bob Holness.

He vowed to strive always
to be worthy of him.

Dominic wears a hat in
an odd but caring way.

You can trust him with a peony

and a cod.

Dominic Appleguard
designed the M25.

If there were any justice in this
world, Esther Rantzen would be Queen.

Luckily, there isn't.

Well, you see, it's a sensitive area,
isn't it? It's a very sensitive area.

That's why I very rarely rub it.

Hello there. I am Rhodes Boyson.

Good evening. My name
is Rhodes Boyson.

We are the Rhodes Boysons
and this is our hour.

An hour in which phrases...

Phrases, certainly.
Yes, certainly phrases.

Phrases such as "centres of
excellence" will be much in evidence.

The phrase "centre of excellence"
will be muchly evidenced.

- And by "centre of excellence" we mean...
- We mean primarily...

- Primarily, that is.
- A centre that is...

- By and large...
- By-ly and largely...

Excellent in some regard.

- In some regard or other.
- In some or other regard.

That is what we mean
by "centre of excellence".

I hope that's
cleared that one up.

Another word that cannot be
stressed enough is "standards".

Standards as in
"standards of excellence",

"moral standards" and
"standards of accountability".

"Standards of accountability".
Oh, I love that one. Yes.

Now, be prepared
also for this phrase,

"working to improve the
lot of small businesses".

- Careful.
- Careful.

- Careful.
- Careful.

Careful. That's not working to
improve "a" lot of small businesses.

That's working to improve
"the" lot of small businesses.

So, for the time being, we'll leave you
with these three marvellous phrases.

- "Centres of excellence".
- That's "centres of excellence".

- "Standards of accountability".
- "Standards of accountability".

I do love that one. I shall be
using that one in bed tonight.

And "working to improve
the lot..." Careful!

Careful.

"..The lot of small businesses".

So, it's bye-bye
from Rhodes Boyson.

And it's bye-bye
from Rhodes Boyson.

We trust that you
have enjoyed...

Our hour.

He just picked me up and
started to slap me really hard.

I cried and cried, but he
didn't take any notice.

Then he put a plastic
tag round my wrist,

cut my umbilical cord and put
me in a cot. It was awful.

Mr Kerniff.

- Where...?
- Mr Kerniff, how are you feeling?

Where am I?

You probably don't remember, Mr
Kerniff, but you were in an accident.

- A van?
- No, an accident.

You were on your
bicycle and you were hit...

By a van.

That's right.

- Am I all right?
- Oh, you're going to be fine, Mr Kerniff.

Lots of drink and
plenty of hot sleep.

Right.

I'm afraid to say, however,
that you did sustain

a very serious injury
to your genitals.

- Oh, dear.
- "Oh," as you rightly say, "dear."

So serious, in fact, that we
were forced to remove them.

My genitals? Oh, no!

Oh, as you didn't
rightly say, yes.

However will I manage?

Well, did you use them
often, Mr Kerniff?

No, but it was nice to
know they were there.

Well, I shouldn't worry
too much, Mr Kerniff.

Medical science has
advanced a great deal.

Prosthetic and
substitute legs, arms,

even noses are now
really quite commonplace.

You supply substitute genitals?

Say hello to Killer, Mr Kerniff.

I don't...

I don't want a dog's
genitals, for heaven's sake.

What an almost amusing
misunderstanding, Mr Kerniff.

No, no, no. No, Killer here
will simply be your substitute

for having genitals.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, surely you've seen people
walking around with Dobermans before?

- Yes.
- Yeah, well, for men who have no genitals,

the ownership of a Doberman,
or a similarly violent animal,

acts as an important
psychological crutch.

And I stress the
word "important".

What about making love?

Oh, I'm sure Killer will be
on for that, won't you now?

Yes. Now, in addition, we will also
be supplying you with a diving watch,

a year's subscription
to Guns & Ammo

and this camouflage
combat jacket.

- Oh, yes, and these will also be yours.
- What are they?

Keys to your rusty white
van. It's parked outside.

- Doctor.
- Yes, Mr Kerniff?

I appreciate that you're
trying to help here,

but I also used my genitals
for, you know, expelling urine.

Oh, but Mr Kerniff, that's the
beauty of the whole system.

When people see you
in a combat jacket

driving around in a rusty white
van with Killer here in the back,

the piss will be taken
out of you constantly.

Anyway, I was very reasonable.
I said to the bank manager,

you know, "Come on, it
takes two to tango,"

and he said, "Yeah,
but it only takes one

"to get out of my office
and never come back."

Freddy.

Good heavens, Jack, I
didn't see you there.

Good evening, Freddy.

Well, good evening, Jack.

Now, then, Freddy, you're
a decent sort of chap.

Well, I...

Yes, I think so, Jack. Yes.

I try to be a decent
sort of chap, yes.

Can I ask you a
question, Freddy?

Ask away, Jack.
Ask a-bloody-way.

Are you one of us?

- Am I one of us?
- Yes.

- Am I one of us?
- Yes.

I'm not... I'm not entirely sure
I've understood your question, Jack.

Let me put it another way.

Oh, would you, Jack? Yes, well,
I'd be enormously grateful, yes.

Do you believe in the cause?

- The cause?
- Cause of freedom.

Well, Jack. I suppose...

generally, yes. Yes, I do. Yes.

If anyone's passing the
hat round for freedom,

then I'll bung them a
quid or two, Jack, yes.

I thought so. I thought
so from the first.

Yes, I'm one of us, Jack, if
you want to put it that way.

Excellent.

Phew. Well, we got there in the
end, eh, Jack? Sorted that one out.

Gets a bit more complicated now.

Hold on.

Would you be prepared to do
something in the cause of freedom?

Wh-what sort of thing, Jack?

Jumble sale? Hand
out leaflets? What?

Put a bomb in a restaurant.

Put a bomb in a restaurant?

Crikey.

And leave it there, you mean?

Leave it there, that's right.

Yes, yes. You don't
mean put it there,

have a spot of lunch and
then take it out again?

No. I mean leave it there.

- Until it goes off?
- Precisely.

Do you think you could manage that,
Freddy, in the cause of freedom?

Well, Jack...

Jack, I wonder if
you wouldn't mind

sort of joining up the
dots for me, if you like.

If it'll make it easier for you.

Well, I... I think it will,
Jack. I think it will.

Yeah, because unless I fainted and
missed a whole chunk of the conversation,

we've been sitting here, you and I,
having a nice old chat, nice old chat,

putting the world to rights
and so on, and then suddenly,

you're asking me to put
a bomb in a restaurant.

That's right.

Yes, well, those are the two dots I'd like
you to join up, Jack, if you wouldn't mind.

The nice chat and the
bomb in the restaurant.

Just join them up for me,
there's a good fellow.

All right, then, Freddy.

There are certain people

who do not believe in the cause.

- Don't believe in freedom, you mean?
- That's right.

- Utter swine.
- Right.

And they eat in a particular
restaurant, do they, Jack?

Some of them will be eating in a particular
restaurant on a particular day, yes.

Well, Jack, sorry to stop you,

- but I've an idea.
- Yes?

Yes, well, you know
who these people are?

- Yes.
- Yes.

And you know which restaurant
they're going to be in?

- Yes.
- Right, so here's the idea.

We go in there, you and I, Jack,

and we sit down at their table and
we have it out with them, eh, Jack?

- Face to face. What do you say?
- Fight them, you mean?

No! No, no, no,
Jack. No, argument.

Argument! You're a
persuasive fellow, Jack.

You know, I bet you we could sit
down at their table over the soup

and you could talk, Jack, and I'll back
you. I'll back you to the hilt, Jack!

And I bet you anything we could
have them believing in freedom

by the time the pudding arrives,
eh? What do you say, Jack? Hm?

I don't think that'll
quite do, Freddy.

It won't quite do. All right,
Jack. All right, how about this?

We pretend... We pretend to
put a bomb in the restaurant.

- Freddy.
- Yes, Jack?

- I think perhaps...
- Yes?

I think perhaps I
was wrong about you.

No, Jack! No! No, you weren't. No,
you were absolutely right, Jack.

- Right as ruddy rain, you were.
- Well, then.

Jack, it's just that...

I'm just the most awful duffer
at this sort of thing, you know?

The restaurant is called the
Etoile d'Or in Maddox Street.

I suggest you put that behind the lavatory
system but of course, it's up to you.

Oh, hell.

Last night, I got what is technically
known as completely ratted.

Yes. I was not unadjacent
to being totally legless.

I was exceedingly proximate
to being paralytic.

I think an observer would have
designated me quadriplegic.

Poleaxed, certainly.

So much so that when I
woke up this morning,

I couldn't remember the names
of the five moons of Treglos 14.

Oh?

Dear me. Dear me,
indeed. I hope you can now.

Oh, certainly. Yes, yes.

Zutron, Maim, Thrompthane,
Sneet and Palstreecken.

You know, I was not far distant
yesterday in thinking that I'd uncovered

a minor but definite inconsistency
in the Miemstiff trilogy.

- Say on.
- Well, you know how in The Cold Planet

Fliggsnare announces the three
rules of the galactic quest?

Well, I hope I wasn't so... I hope
I wasn't so arseholed last night

as to forget that.

It says that any voyager
who breaks a rule, yes,

will be disqualified from the quest
and re-colonised to the Quiet Zone.

- True.
- Yes, well, in Return of the Suk People,

Fringo breaks the second rule

by communicating with an empath
from the Stained Quadrant.

Yet he's never
disqualified, is he?

That's exceptionally
true, as a matter of fact.

I wonder if it might
be worth writing to Jim

Willis and pointing
out that inconsistency?

Well, I fully intend so to do.

Oh. Anyway, in answer
to your question...

- Steffi Graf.
- And I don't know.

Thank you. Thank
you. Thank you.

This next song is a big
hit for I in France.

But now I make
the change with it

for the English speak.

♪ When your eyes are stubborn

♪ To many behind the cupboard

♪ Underneath your nose

♪ In all my little
moonshine bottom ♪

They've got a bigger
table than we have.

Come on, Stuart. This is fine.

No. Look, there are two of them.
They've got a bigger table.

There are four of
us, look at this.

Oh, Stuart, for heaven's sake,
a table's a table.

Darling.

No, well, Jill, there
we differ, you and I.

To me there are tables and there
are tables. Am I right, Gordon?

Well, you know me, Stuart.
Table is as table does.

At least it's snug, poppet.

What it is, poppet, is cramped. You
should have used my name when you booked.

I did.

What, Mr Poppet?

Oh.

- Good evening, sir.
- Good evening.

Table for bomb, please.

Excuse me?

Yes. Table for one.
For one. I was...

Sorry. Bit nervous.
I've never...

never actually eaten.

I mean, before.

Oh, well, you have chosen
the perfect place to start.

Have I?

Follow me, please.

- So, what did we think of the show?
- Loved it. Thought it was really nice.

Me, too. High quality
entertainment.

Yeah, well, I'm going to come
right out and say it's a, you know,

that to me, Jeffrey Archer is the finest
playwright this country has turned out

since... since
William Shakespeare.

That's a hell of
a statement, Stu.

Well, I'm going to go one further,
Gordon. To me, Jeffrey Archer delivers.

Oh, the guy can
write, no question.

Delivers, does he?

- I beg your pardon, Jill?
- Come on, darling. You know what he means.

No, it's all right. Thank you,
Gordon. I can fight my own battles.

What he delivers, Jill, to
my mind, is quality drama.

Okay, it's a little dangerous.

Okay, it's not something that your average joe
punter is going to find all that accessible,

but in the market he's
working to, he delivers,

and Gordon will tell you that that's a
compliment I use very sparingly indeed.

It's true actually,
Jill. It's true.

Stuart is not the kind of man to bandy
the word "deliver" around the place.

- Yeah, well. Thank you, Gordon.
- I thought the sets were marvellous.

They were really clever.
Weren't they, poppet?

Yeah, and the costumes,
they were fantastic.

Sorry, they were wearing
suits, weren't they?

Well, this is where Jeffrey Archer is
so strongly seen, in his observation.

He's observed that in an office

a large number of people wear
suits. Isn't that right, Gordon?

Absolutely, Stu.

Yeah, well, you see,
he's observed that, you see?

I mean, the guy's got an
eye for detail, like...

Well, there's no one
like him in my book.

To be fair to myself, Stu,

I had observed that people
in offices wear suits, too.

No, no. No, you hadn't, Gordon.

You see, you can only say that
after you've seen the play.

If I'd asked you before the play, you
know, what people wear in offices,

you wouldn't have had a clue.

I think I would have said suits.

- No, you wouldn't, Gordon.
- I think I would.

- No, you wouldn't!
- I would. I would!

Hold up. Now, wait a minute.

Look, that bloke came in after
us and they're taking his order.

What would you like, sir?

Crikey, yes.

Is something the matter, sir?

Well, how many lavatories
have you got here?

Just one, sir. Over there.

Yes, yes, I've tried that one.

It's no good. No bloody good!

You see, the cistern, it's
too close to the wall.

You can't get anything between
the cistern and the wall.

Oh, hell!

Are you ready to order, sir?

Order, yes. Well, to be perfectly
honest, I'm not awfully hungry.

Well, may I recommend the salad?

Perhaps a smoked chicken salad?
It makes a perfect light meal.

Yes, well, yes, that sounds
awfully good. Awfully good.

Tell you what, though, instead of that
I think I'll just have a glass of water.

Just a glass of water, sir?

Oh, Lord, no! No,
make it a bottle!

No. Tell you what, half
a dozen bottles. Hmm?

I mean, you only
live once, don't you?

Very good, sir.

Oh, hell.

♪ Hold my legs up skyward

♪ For you to smell
just as I would

♪ Leaves the carpet bare

♪ And never let our ears

♪ Be rotten

♪ Too late, too big

♪ Too wide, too comfy ♪

Good evening, sir.

Good evening. I'd like to
order some soup to start and...

Wait a minute.

- What?
- Good Lord.

You're Keith Bennett, aren't
you? The government minister?

- Well, as a matter of fact I am, yes.
- I thought so! I knew it!

Oh, Mr Bennett, this is wonderful.
I have to say, I'm a great admirer

- of you and your policies.
- Really?

Oh, for definite. Can I recommend
the halibut, by the way?

- It comes in a nice black butter sauce.
- Thank you.

Yeah, 'cause you steered that broadcasting
bill through the House of Commons, didn't you?

- Yes, I did, indeed.
- Brilliant, quite brilliant.

Well, I must say, this is
really most gratifying.

So, you really do
admire my policies?

Yeah, what, most people
don't like you, then?

No, no, no, it's just that...
Well, you know what it is.

We aren't always the most popular
of people, we politicians.

Yeah, yeah. You must get used to people
calling you a complete dickhead, I suppose.

No, not exactly.

Oh, that speech you made about
de-regularising broadcasting.

I cheered for you that
night, Mr Bennett.

"We must strive to
offer the consumer

"a far greater range of choice.

"For too long broadcasting has
been in the grip of a small elite.

"We must expand and
offer more choice!"

Good heavens. You've
remembered it word for word.

Well, it was masterly
stuff, Mr Bennett. I mean...

- Oh, my God.
- What?

- Your cutlery.
- What's wrong?

A silver knife and fork.
I can't believe it.

These are rather nice.
They're not dirty, are they?

Oh, my... That this should
happen to you of all people.

- I am so sorry. I'll be right back.
- They were fine.

Of course.

Moulinex.

- What?
- All the way through,

I was trying to think where
I'd seen that actress before.

- She's the one in the Moulinex advert.
- Oh, that's right.

- Yes, the one about the blender.
- That's it.

What, the wife?

Sorry?

The actress who played the
wife is in some sort of advert

at the moment, is she?

Hello? Laura, wake up!

The actress in the play who was playing
the wife that we just saw tonight,

you're saying she's in
an advert at the moment?

- The wife?
- Yes.

Actually, Stuart, she
was playing his daughter.

Hold on. I'm probably getting her
confused with someone. Wait a minute.

There was only one woman
in the play, Stuart.

And she was his
daughter, poppet.

That was sort of the idea
of the entire evening, Stu.

Yeah, daughter.

- What did I say?
- You said wife.

- Did I?
- Three times.

This table is definitely smaller, you
know. I mean, all those other ones...

Gor blimey!

Look, that man over there.

He's in the
government, isn't he?

- Isn't he a cabinet minister or something?
- It's Keith Bennett.

Got it! Roy Hattersley,
you're quite right, Gordon.

I do apologise.

Apologise for what? The
fork and knife were fine.

Oh, it's very kind of you,
sir, but I absolutely insist.

What... What...

- What's this?
- Your cutlery, sir.

Cutlery? But these are
plastic coffee stirrers.

Yes, I know. But at least you've
got the choice now, haven't you?

I mean, they may be complete crap, but at
least you've got the choice, haven't you?

And that's so important,
isn't it? To have a choice!

You mad, disgusting bastard!

What are you doing to our television
system? What are you doing to our country?

I'm gonna kill you, you bastard!

That politician man's being
strangled by a waiter.

God, I hate you! I'm gonna
kill you, you bastard!

At least he's got a
decent sized table.

Anyway, to return to the play,

I have to say that although
the acting was really good...

- Marvellous acting.
- Yeah.

I do think the play would have been
benefited from having a Paul Eddington in it.

- A Paul Eddington?
- Well, ideally the Paul Eddington.

Isn't he wonderful?

Yeah, well, you see the thing about Paul
Eddington, of course, is his timing.

- His timing is just so...
- Well, it's the timing of a master.

A friend of mine's sister
married Paul Eddington's doctor.

You never told me that, Gordon.

Well, you know,
one doesn't like to boast.

Though, apparently...

apparently, it's well known

that Paul Eddington has the
second best timing in the business

after Nigel Havers.

What is timing, exactly?

Well, timing, it's... It's a bit
difficult to explain to a woman, Jill,

but timing is basically the magic
ingredient that Paul Eddington's got.

Well, what is it?

Yes, I'd like to know
that, too, I must say.

I know your doctor's
brother-in-law.

How nice.

Yes, well, we were just
explaining to our wives

that, well, you've got amongst
the best timing in show business.

Ah, well. After Nigel Havers.

Yes. Come on, level
with us, Paul,

would you class
your timing as good,

very good, extremely
good, or immaculate?

Well...

Hello, look, excuse
me, everyone.

Sorry to bother you and
all that sort of filth.

But... Oh, nearly forgot.
Long live freedom.

No, the thing is,
there's a bomb.

Yeah, I know. Rotten, isn't it?

No, the thing is, it is
about to go off, so...

I don't know, you
might like to leave.

- That's right. This way. Yes.
- Yes, yes.

This way. This way.
This way, please.

Oh, crikey, my bill.

You know, I think they like me.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
now that... Ah, now, yes.

I wonder if you recognise
that from Where Eagles Dare.

There's a scene in Where
Eagles Dare where, ha,

where Richard Burton is
pretending to be a German agent.

When, in actual fact, what he's
doing is, he's trying to find out

the names of all the German
agents working in England.

And the funny thing is, you see,
that happened to me the other day.

- It did?
- Yes, it did. Yes.

It's funny 'cause things from films are
always happening to me. There was...

Do you know the
scene in WarGames

where the scientist calls the Air
Force general a pig-eyed sack of shit?

That happened to me. Someone
called me that the other day.

And Fatal Attraction.

I almost sued when that came out. I
mean, that could have been made about me!

It's incredible.

You were persecuted by a
one-night stand, were you?

No, no, no. Don't be silly. No.

I went to bed with
Glenn Close, though.

- That's ridiculous.
- Yes, it is ridiculous, yes.

Went to bed with
Michael Douglas.

- You went to bed with Michael Douglas?
- Well, in a sense.

In what sense?

Completely made-up,
untrue sense.

Yes. Well, I've been to bed with
Michael Douglas in that sense.

- Really?
- Well, nibbled his toes.

What was it like?

- Great. He was very sensitive and caring.
- Really?

But I will tell you, ladies and
gentlemen, a really true thing

that actually did happen to me,
and this is rather interesting.

I was sprawled in bed with
Kathleen Turner and David Vine,

when suddenly, the most
remarkable thing happened...

Immaculate, I'd say.