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1
00:00:42,175 --> 00:00:44,689
Thank you. Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
2
00:00:44,775 --> 00:00:46,288
Thank you so very much.
3
00:00:47,375 --> 00:00:49,843
Well, good evening.
4
00:00:51,255 --> 00:00:52,711
Good evening, ladies and
gentlemen, and welcome.
5
00:00:52,735 --> 00:00:54,255
Well, my hands are
a bit full so, Hugh,
6
00:00:54,335 --> 00:00:56,591
perhaps you wouldn't mind doing
the apostrophes for me this week?
7
00:00:56,615 --> 00:01:00,449
- Certainly, right.
- Welcome to A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
8
00:01:01,575 --> 00:01:03,486
Some very, very exciting news.
9
00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:05,413
I received a letter today.
10
00:01:05,495 --> 00:01:06,551
- Hugh, if you would.
- Right.
11
00:01:06,575 --> 00:01:11,126
A letter from Buckingham Palace
and I'm going to read it to you.
12
00:01:12,375 --> 00:01:14,809
"Dear Mr Fry..." Misspelt.
13
00:01:16,095 --> 00:01:19,326
"Thank you very much for
applying for the MBE.
14
00:01:21,135 --> 00:01:22,966
"As you know,
numbers are limited.
15
00:01:23,055 --> 00:01:27,685
"We have only one MBE left on
the upcoming Honours List."
16
00:01:28,015 --> 00:01:29,926
- Oh, dear.
- It's disappointing, isn't it?
17
00:01:30,015 --> 00:01:33,610
- That is disappointing. "Upcoming"?
- Yes. Rather American, isn't it?
18
00:01:33,695 --> 00:01:35,333
Still, it goes on.
19
00:01:35,415 --> 00:01:38,771
"Apart from yourself, the
shortlist includes Arthur Holt,
20
00:01:38,855 --> 00:01:40,573
"Reading's Mr Ballbearings,
21
00:01:41,895 --> 00:01:46,491
"Elspeth Reid, deputy to the deputy-deputy
of the Chobham Conservative Party
22
00:01:46,935 --> 00:01:50,007
"and Sally Cooke." Who is an
Olympic athlete, is that right?
23
00:01:50,095 --> 00:01:52,349
Oh,
come on. Everyone knows who Sally Cooke is.
24
00:01:52,373 --> 00:01:53,212
Sorry, okay.
25
00:01:53,295 --> 00:01:57,004
"And the winner will be the one
who, in the opinion of the judges,
26
00:01:57,255 --> 00:01:59,052
"comes up with the best slogan."
27
00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:04,130
- Slogan?
- Yes, you have to say,
28
00:02:04,215 --> 00:02:05,534
in not more than 10 words,
29
00:02:05,615 --> 00:02:08,527
why you think the Queen is
both marvellous and important.
30
00:02:10,855 --> 00:02:11,924
Right. Well...
31
00:02:12,015 --> 00:02:13,791
Well, come on, Hugh. You're
a words man. Have a go.
32
00:02:13,815 --> 00:02:15,194
It can't be that hard,
can it? In 10 words.
33
00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:16,329
Not more than.
34
00:02:16,975 --> 00:02:21,571
Right. I think the Queen is both
marvellous and important because...
35
00:02:21,655 --> 00:02:23,088
That's it.
36
00:02:23,895 --> 00:02:25,214
- What?
- 10 words.
37
00:02:26,095 --> 00:02:29,212
"I think the Queen is both
marvellous and important because."
38
00:02:29,695 --> 00:02:32,607
- Yeah. It's got sort of a ring to it.
- Yeah.
39
00:02:33,335 --> 00:02:35,591
- It's not overstated.
- No, no. She'd like that, the Queen.
40
00:02:35,615 --> 00:02:37,970
- Very, very understated woman.
- Terribly understated.
41
00:02:38,055 --> 00:02:39,631
- Discreetly understated.
- Oh, yes, discreet.
42
00:02:39,655 --> 00:02:43,773
She'd never fall into the easy trap
of overstating her understatedness.
43
00:02:43,855 --> 00:02:45,671
- Exactly. Very like Sally Cooke, actually.
- Yes.
44
00:02:45,695 --> 00:02:47,711
I think the Queen and Sally
Cooke would get on very well.
45
00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:48,871
That's true, actually, isn't it?
46
00:02:48,895 --> 00:02:50,591
Let's face it. Sally
Cooke's got it, hasn't she?
47
00:02:50,615 --> 00:02:51,975
- She'll win the MBE.
- Yeah, yeah.
48
00:02:52,015 --> 00:02:57,009
Well, then, ladies and gentlemen,
a big A Bit hand for Sally Cooke,
49
00:02:57,095 --> 00:03:00,770
captain of the British Winter
Olympics synchronised losing team!
50
00:03:10,055 --> 00:03:12,364
This is Dominic Appleguard.
51
00:03:13,135 --> 00:03:16,013
Dominic Appleguard is unhappy.
52
00:03:18,655 --> 00:03:21,123
When Dominic Appleguard
was three months old,
53
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:22,763
his mother left him.
54
00:03:25,935 --> 00:03:29,894
Dominic Appleguard always felt
different from the other boys at school.
55
00:03:30,335 --> 00:03:33,645
He felt apart, somehow separate.
56
00:03:33,735 --> 00:03:37,694
Unlike them, dissimilar,
not the same.
57
00:03:41,535 --> 00:03:44,129
Dominic's father died
when he was only seven.
58
00:03:48,775 --> 00:03:54,054
Dominic developed a passion for
broadcaster and TVpersonality Bob Holness.
59
00:03:59,095 --> 00:04:02,371
He vowed to strive always
to be worthy of him.
60
00:04:06,695 --> 00:04:10,654
Dominic wears a hat in
an odd but caring way.
61
00:04:12,895 --> 00:04:14,772
You can trust him with a peony
62
00:04:16,215 --> 00:04:17,853
and a cod.
63
00:04:22,135 --> 00:04:26,686
Dominic Appleguard
designed the M25.
64
00:04:29,495 --> 00:04:33,374
If there were any justice in this
world, Esther Rantzen would be Queen.
65
00:04:34,175 --> 00:04:35,324
Luckily, there isn't.
66
00:04:36,735 --> 00:04:40,284
Well, you see, it's a sensitive area,
isn't it? It's a very sensitive area.
67
00:04:40,375 --> 00:04:41,888
That's why I very rarely rub it.
68
00:04:48,015 --> 00:04:50,449
Hello there. I am Rhodes Boyson.
69
00:04:51,215 --> 00:04:53,775
Good evening. My name
is Rhodes Boyson.
70
00:04:54,375 --> 00:04:58,209
We are the Rhodes Boysons
and this is our hour.
71
00:04:58,335 --> 00:04:59,927
An hour in which phrases...
72
00:05:00,015 --> 00:05:01,892
Phrases, certainly.
Yes, certainly phrases.
73
00:05:01,975 --> 00:05:04,614
Phrases such as "centres of
excellence" will be much in evidence.
74
00:05:04,695 --> 00:05:08,244
The phrase "centre of excellence"
will be muchly evidenced.
75
00:05:08,335 --> 00:05:11,486
- And by "centre of excellence" we mean...
- We mean primarily...
76
00:05:11,575 --> 00:05:14,009
- Primarily, that is.
- A centre that is...
77
00:05:14,095 --> 00:05:16,211
- By and large...
- By-ly and largely...
78
00:05:16,295 --> 00:05:17,967
Excellent in some regard.
79
00:05:18,495 --> 00:05:21,965
- In some regard or other.
- In some or other regard.
80
00:05:22,335 --> 00:05:24,386
That is what we mean
by "centre of excellence".
81
00:05:24,410 --> 00:05:25,771
I hope that's
cleared that one up.
82
00:05:26,135 --> 00:05:28,649
Another word that cannot be
stressed enough is "standards".
83
00:05:28,735 --> 00:05:31,852
Standards as in
"standards of excellence",
84
00:05:32,135 --> 00:05:35,013
"moral standards" and
"standards of accountability".
85
00:05:35,095 --> 00:05:38,531
"Standards of accountability".
Oh, I love that one. Yes.
86
00:05:39,015 --> 00:05:40,653
Now, be prepared
also for this phrase,
87
00:05:40,735 --> 00:05:43,568
"working to improve the
lot of small businesses".
88
00:05:44,015 --> 00:05:45,015
- Careful.
- Careful.
89
00:05:45,095 --> 00:05:46,095
- Careful.
- Careful.
90
00:05:46,175 --> 00:05:50,134
Careful. That's not working to
improve "a" lot of small businesses.
91
00:05:50,335 --> 00:05:53,691
That's working to improve
"the" lot of small businesses.
92
00:05:53,975 --> 00:05:57,172
So, for the time being, we'll leave you
with these three marvellous phrases.
93
00:05:57,415 --> 00:06:00,293
- "Centres of excellence".
- That's "centres of excellence".
94
00:06:00,375 --> 00:06:03,287
- "Standards of accountability".
- "Standards of accountability".
95
00:06:03,375 --> 00:06:05,775
I do love that one. I shall be
using that one in bed tonight.
96
00:06:06,215 --> 00:06:08,934
And "working to improve
the lot..." Careful!
97
00:06:09,175 --> 00:06:10,210
Careful.
98
00:06:10,575 --> 00:06:13,135
"..The lot of small businesses".
99
00:06:14,375 --> 00:06:16,730
So, it's bye-bye
from Rhodes Boyson.
100
00:06:17,215 --> 00:06:19,171
And it's bye-bye
from Rhodes Boyson.
101
00:06:19,655 --> 00:06:21,088
We trust that you
have enjoyed...
102
00:06:21,175 --> 00:06:22,528
Our hour.
103
00:06:26,775 --> 00:06:30,051
He just picked me up and
started to slap me really hard.
104
00:06:30,135 --> 00:06:32,524
I cried and cried, but he
didn't take any notice.
105
00:06:32,735 --> 00:06:34,646
Then he put a plastic
tag round my wrist,
106
00:06:34,735 --> 00:06:37,693
cut my umbilical cord and put
me in a cot. It was awful.
107
00:06:41,095 --> 00:06:42,095
Mr Kerniff.
108
00:06:43,375 --> 00:06:45,525
- Where...?
- Mr Kerniff, how are you feeling?
109
00:06:45,935 --> 00:06:46,935
Where am I?
110
00:06:47,135 --> 00:06:50,207
You probably don't remember, Mr
Kerniff, but you were in an accident.
111
00:06:50,375 --> 00:06:52,843
- A van?
- No, an accident.
112
00:06:54,215 --> 00:06:55,976
You were on your
bicycle and you were hit...
113
00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:56,809
By a van.
114
00:06:56,975 --> 00:06:58,010
That's right.
115
00:06:58,895 --> 00:07:01,031
- Am I all right?
- Oh, you're going to be fine, Mr Kerniff.
116
00:07:01,055 --> 00:07:03,125
Lots of drink and
plenty of hot sleep.
117
00:07:03,215 --> 00:07:04,364
Right.
118
00:07:05,455 --> 00:07:07,693
I'm afraid to say, however,
that you did sustain
119
00:07:07,717 --> 00:07:09,926
a very serious injury
to your genitals.
120
00:07:11,495 --> 00:07:14,965
- Oh, dear.
- "Oh," as you rightly say, "dear."
121
00:07:15,895 --> 00:07:18,648
So serious, in fact, that we
were forced to remove them.
122
00:07:19,095 --> 00:07:21,404
My genitals? Oh, no!
123
00:07:21,895 --> 00:07:24,648
Oh, as you didn't
rightly say, yes.
124
00:07:28,855 --> 00:07:30,254
However will I manage?
125
00:07:30,855 --> 00:07:32,652
Well, did you use them
often, Mr Kerniff?
126
00:07:33,215 --> 00:07:35,365
No, but it was nice to
know they were there.
127
00:07:36,215 --> 00:07:38,410
Well, I shouldn't worry
too much, Mr Kerniff.
128
00:07:38,495 --> 00:07:40,531
Medical science has
advanced a great deal.
129
00:07:40,615 --> 00:07:43,448
Prosthetic and
substitute legs, arms,
130
00:07:43,535 --> 00:07:45,685
even noses are now
really quite commonplace.
131
00:07:46,055 --> 00:07:48,091
You supply substitute genitals?
132
00:07:51,815 --> 00:07:53,692
Say hello to Killer, Mr Kerniff.
133
00:07:54,815 --> 00:07:55,850
I don't...
134
00:07:55,935 --> 00:07:58,130
I don't want a dog's
genitals, for heaven's sake.
135
00:08:00,015 --> 00:08:02,575
What an almost amusing
misunderstanding, Mr Kerniff.
136
00:08:03,255 --> 00:08:06,372
No, no, no. No, Killer here
will simply be your substitute
137
00:08:06,455 --> 00:08:07,683
for having genitals.
138
00:08:09,935 --> 00:08:11,004
I beg your pardon?
139
00:08:11,095 --> 00:08:13,631
Oh, surely you've seen people
walking around with Dobermans before?
140
00:08:13,655 --> 00:08:16,453
- Yes.
- Yeah, well, for men who have no genitals,
141
00:08:16,535 --> 00:08:20,084
the ownership of a Doberman,
or a similarly violent animal,
142
00:08:20,175 --> 00:08:22,769
acts as an important
psychological crutch.
143
00:08:24,295 --> 00:08:26,809
And I stress the
word "important".
144
00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:29,774
What about making love?
145
00:08:29,855 --> 00:08:32,369
Oh, I'm sure Killer will be
on for that, won't you now?
146
00:08:33,095 --> 00:08:37,566
Yes. Now, in addition, we will also
be supplying you with a diving watch,
147
00:08:39,095 --> 00:08:41,484
a year's subscription
to Guns & Ammo
148
00:08:42,375 --> 00:08:44,286
and this camouflage
combat jacket.
149
00:08:44,935 --> 00:08:47,324
- Oh, yes, and these will also be yours.
- What are they?
150
00:08:47,415 --> 00:08:49,929
Keys to your rusty white
van. It's parked outside.
151
00:08:50,975 --> 00:08:52,533
- Doctor.
- Yes, Mr Kerniff?
152
00:08:52,975 --> 00:08:55,205
I appreciate that you're
trying to help here,
153
00:08:55,415 --> 00:08:59,328
but I also used my genitals
for, you know, expelling urine.
154
00:08:59,975 --> 00:09:02,489
Oh, but Mr Kerniff, that's the
beauty of the whole system.
155
00:09:02,575 --> 00:09:05,009
When people see you
in a combat jacket
156
00:09:05,095 --> 00:09:07,689
driving around in a rusty white
van with Killer here in the back,
157
00:09:07,775 --> 00:09:09,811
the piss will be taken
out of you constantly.
158
00:09:12,215 --> 00:09:14,471
Anyway, I was very reasonable.
I said to the bank manager,
159
00:09:14,495 --> 00:09:16,486
you know, "Come on, it
takes two to tango,"
160
00:09:16,575 --> 00:09:19,931
and he said, "Yeah,
but it only takes one
161
00:09:20,015 --> 00:09:22,051
"to get out of my office
and never come back."
162
00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:34,684
Freddy.
163
00:09:37,495 --> 00:09:39,611
Good heavens, Jack, I
didn't see you there.
164
00:09:40,495 --> 00:09:41,814
Good evening, Freddy.
165
00:09:42,375 --> 00:09:44,252
Well, good evening, Jack.
166
00:09:45,735 --> 00:09:48,647
Now, then, Freddy, you're
a decent sort of chap.
167
00:09:49,535 --> 00:09:50,570
Well, I...
168
00:09:50,655 --> 00:09:51,770
Yes, I think so, Jack. Yes.
169
00:09:51,855 --> 00:09:54,449
I try to be a decent
sort of chap, yes.
170
00:09:55,295 --> 00:09:57,365
Can I ask you a
question, Freddy?
171
00:09:58,015 --> 00:10:00,324
Ask away, Jack.
Ask a-bloody-way.
172
00:10:00,415 --> 00:10:01,609
Are you one of us?
173
00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:05,923
- Am I one of us?
- Yes.
174
00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:10,967
- Am I one of us?
- Yes.
175
00:10:11,775 --> 00:10:15,688
I'm not... I'm not entirely sure
I've understood your question, Jack.
176
00:10:15,975 --> 00:10:17,613
Let me put it another way.
177
00:10:17,695 --> 00:10:20,687
Oh, would you, Jack? Yes, well,
I'd be enormously grateful, yes.
178
00:10:21,655 --> 00:10:23,134
Do you believe in the cause?
179
00:10:23,895 --> 00:10:26,090
- The cause?
- Cause of freedom.
180
00:10:26,935 --> 00:10:29,813
Well, Jack. I suppose...
181
00:10:30,095 --> 00:10:32,404
generally, yes. Yes, I do. Yes.
182
00:10:32,655 --> 00:10:34,431
If anyone's passing the
hat round for freedom,
183
00:10:34,455 --> 00:10:36,923
then I'll bung them a
quid or two, Jack, yes.
184
00:10:38,175 --> 00:10:40,131
I thought so. I thought
so from the first.
185
00:10:40,215 --> 00:10:43,412
Yes, I'm one of us, Jack, if
you want to put it that way.
186
00:10:43,895 --> 00:10:44,895
Excellent.
187
00:10:45,375 --> 00:10:48,333
Phew. Well, we got there in the
end, eh, Jack? Sorted that one out.
188
00:10:49,615 --> 00:10:51,492
Gets a bit more complicated now.
189
00:10:52,695 --> 00:10:53,923
Hold on.
190
00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:58,531
Would you be prepared to do
something in the cause of freedom?
191
00:11:00,055 --> 00:11:02,444
Wh-what sort of thing, Jack?
192
00:11:03,335 --> 00:11:06,133
Jumble sale? Hand
out leaflets? What?
193
00:11:06,735 --> 00:11:08,487
Put a bomb in a restaurant.
194
00:11:09,655 --> 00:11:11,885
Put a bomb in a restaurant?
195
00:11:13,215 --> 00:11:14,215
Crikey.
196
00:11:16,015 --> 00:11:17,926
And leave it there, you mean?
197
00:11:18,015 --> 00:11:20,085
Leave it there, that's right.
198
00:11:20,295 --> 00:11:23,332
Yes, yes. You don't
mean put it there,
199
00:11:23,415 --> 00:11:25,770
have a spot of lunch and
then take it out again?
200
00:11:26,055 --> 00:11:29,252
No. I mean leave it there.
201
00:11:30,895 --> 00:11:33,284
- Until it goes off?
- Precisely.
202
00:11:34,255 --> 00:11:37,725
Do you think you could manage that,
Freddy, in the cause of freedom?
203
00:11:42,215 --> 00:11:43,215
Well, Jack...
204
00:11:45,295 --> 00:11:47,047
Jack, I wonder if
you wouldn't mind
205
00:11:47,135 --> 00:11:49,490
sort of joining up the
dots for me, if you like.
206
00:11:50,295 --> 00:11:51,887
If it'll make it easier for you.
207
00:11:51,975 --> 00:11:54,409
Well, I... I think it will,
Jack. I think it will.
208
00:11:54,495 --> 00:11:59,888
Yeah, because unless I fainted and
missed a whole chunk of the conversation,
209
00:12:01,375 --> 00:12:04,651
we've been sitting here, you and I,
having a nice old chat, nice old chat,
210
00:12:04,735 --> 00:12:08,091
putting the world to rights
and so on, and then suddenly,
211
00:12:08,335 --> 00:12:11,168
you're asking me to put
a bomb in a restaurant.
212
00:12:11,295 --> 00:12:12,295
That's right.
213
00:12:12,375 --> 00:12:17,369
Yes, well, those are the two dots I'd like
you to join up, Jack, if you wouldn't mind.
214
00:12:17,455 --> 00:12:19,889
The nice chat and the
bomb in the restaurant.
215
00:12:19,975 --> 00:12:22,364
Just join them up for me,
there's a good fellow.
216
00:12:22,535 --> 00:12:25,049
All right, then, Freddy.
217
00:12:26,135 --> 00:12:27,773
There are certain people
218
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,406
who do not believe in the cause.
219
00:12:31,735 --> 00:12:33,965
- Don't believe in freedom, you mean?
- That's right.
220
00:12:35,015 --> 00:12:36,812
- Utter swine.
- Right.
221
00:12:38,775 --> 00:12:41,687
And they eat in a particular
restaurant, do they, Jack?
222
00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:46,293
Some of them will be eating in a particular
restaurant on a particular day, yes.
223
00:12:46,575 --> 00:12:48,850
Well, Jack, sorry to stop you,
224
00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:51,495
- but I've an idea.
- Yes?
225
00:12:51,575 --> 00:12:55,727
Yes, well, you know
who these people are?
226
00:12:55,815 --> 00:12:56,815
- Yes.
- Yes.
227
00:12:56,895 --> 00:12:58,791
And you know which restaurant
they're going to be in?
228
00:12:58,815 --> 00:13:01,249
- Yes.
- Right, so here's the idea.
229
00:13:01,335 --> 00:13:03,974
We go in there, you and I, Jack,
230
00:13:04,055 --> 00:13:08,765
and we sit down at their table and
we have it out with them, eh, Jack?
231
00:13:08,855 --> 00:13:11,767
- Face to face. What do you say?
- Fight them, you mean?
232
00:13:11,975 --> 00:13:14,330
No! No, no, no,
Jack. No, argument.
233
00:13:14,535 --> 00:13:17,607
Argument! You're a
persuasive fellow, Jack.
234
00:13:18,255 --> 00:13:21,645
You know, I bet you we could sit
down at their table over the soup
235
00:13:21,735 --> 00:13:25,250
and you could talk, Jack, and I'll back
you. I'll back you to the hilt, Jack!
236
00:13:25,335 --> 00:13:27,895
And I bet you anything we could
have them believing in freedom
237
00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:30,535
by the time the pudding arrives,
eh? What do you say, Jack? Hm?
238
00:13:31,055 --> 00:13:33,125
I don't think that'll
quite do, Freddy.
239
00:13:33,815 --> 00:13:36,568
It won't quite do. All right,
Jack. All right, how about this?
240
00:13:37,975 --> 00:13:41,251
We pretend... We pretend to
put a bomb in the restaurant.
241
00:13:41,335 --> 00:13:43,053
- Freddy.
- Yes, Jack?
242
00:13:43,415 --> 00:13:45,849
- I think perhaps...
- Yes?
243
00:13:46,535 --> 00:13:48,765
I think perhaps I
was wrong about you.
244
00:13:49,535 --> 00:13:53,323
No, Jack! No! No, you weren't. No,
you were absolutely right, Jack.
245
00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:55,975
- Right as ruddy rain, you were.
- Well, then.
246
00:13:58,495 --> 00:14:00,565
Jack, it's just that...
247
00:14:01,335 --> 00:14:04,611
I'm just the most awful duffer
at this sort of thing, you know?
248
00:14:04,695 --> 00:14:08,210
The restaurant is called the
Etoile d'Or in Maddox Street.
249
00:14:08,295 --> 00:14:12,607
I suggest you put that behind the lavatory
system but of course, it's up to you.
250
00:14:13,575 --> 00:14:14,849
Oh, hell.
251
00:14:18,855 --> 00:14:23,053
Last night, I got what is technically
known as completely ratted.
252
00:14:24,455 --> 00:14:27,208
Yes. I was not unadjacent
to being totally legless.
253
00:14:28,415 --> 00:14:31,487
I was exceedingly proximate
to being paralytic.
254
00:14:32,095 --> 00:14:34,893
I think an observer would have
designated me quadriplegic.
255
00:14:35,735 --> 00:14:37,566
Poleaxed, certainly.
256
00:14:38,495 --> 00:14:40,191
So much so that when I
woke up this morning,
257
00:14:40,215 --> 00:14:44,367
I couldn't remember the names
of the five moons of Treglos 14.
258
00:14:45,255 --> 00:14:46,574
Oh?
259
00:14:46,655 --> 00:14:48,924
Dear me. Dear me,
indeed. I hope you can now.
260
00:14:48,948 --> 00:14:50,091
Oh, certainly. Yes, yes.
261
00:14:50,175 --> 00:14:55,044
Zutron, Maim, Thrompthane,
Sneet and Palstreecken.
262
00:14:55,535 --> 00:14:58,686
You know, I was not far distant
yesterday in thinking that I'd uncovered
263
00:14:58,775 --> 00:15:02,165
a minor but definite inconsistency
in the Miemstiff trilogy.
264
00:15:02,495 --> 00:15:05,726
- Say on.
- Well, you know how in The Cold Planet
265
00:15:06,055 --> 00:15:08,967
Fliggsnare announces the three
rules of the galactic quest?
266
00:15:09,615 --> 00:15:12,652
Well, I hope I wasn't so... I hope
I wasn't so arseholed last night
267
00:15:12,735 --> 00:15:13,804
as to forget that.
268
00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:20,006
It says that any voyager
who breaks a rule, yes,
269
00:15:20,215 --> 00:15:23,730
will be disqualified from the quest
and re-colonised to the Quiet Zone.
270
00:15:24,535 --> 00:15:27,095
- True.
- Yes, well, in Return of the Suk People,
271
00:15:27,255 --> 00:15:29,371
Fringo breaks the second rule
272
00:15:29,455 --> 00:15:32,572
by communicating with an empath
from the Stained Quadrant.
273
00:15:32,655 --> 00:15:34,611
Yet he's never
disqualified, is he?
274
00:15:34,695 --> 00:15:36,970
That's exceptionally
true, as a matter of fact.
275
00:15:37,695 --> 00:15:39,925
I wonder if it might
be worth writing to Jim
276
00:15:39,949 --> 00:15:41,231
Willis and pointing
out that inconsistency?
277
00:15:41,255 --> 00:15:43,166
Well, I fully intend so to do.
278
00:15:45,535 --> 00:15:47,730
Oh. Anyway, in answer
to your question...
279
00:15:47,815 --> 00:15:50,329
- Steffi Graf.
- And I don't know.
280
00:15:52,015 --> 00:15:54,165
Thank you. Thank
you. Thank you.
281
00:15:54,255 --> 00:15:58,089
This next song is a big
hit for I in France.
282
00:15:58,175 --> 00:16:01,133
But now I make
the change with it
283
00:16:01,215 --> 00:16:03,809
for the English speak.
284
00:16:05,695 --> 00:16:09,927
♪ When your eyes are stubborn
285
00:16:10,855 --> 00:16:14,973
♪ To many behind the cupboard
286
00:16:15,935 --> 00:16:19,450
♪ Underneath your nose
287
00:16:20,095 --> 00:16:25,010
♪ In all my little
moonshine bottom ♪
288
00:16:29,575 --> 00:16:31,486
They've got a bigger
table than we have.
289
00:16:31,575 --> 00:16:33,247
Come on, Stuart. This is fine.
290
00:16:33,335 --> 00:16:35,551
No. Look, there are two of them.
They've got a bigger table.
291
00:16:35,575 --> 00:16:36,871
There are four of
us, look at this.
292
00:16:36,895 --> 00:16:38,891
Oh, Stuart, for heaven's sake,
a table's a table.
293
00:16:38,915 --> 00:16:39,915
Darling.
294
00:16:40,335 --> 00:16:42,769
No, well, Jill, there
we differ, you and I.
295
00:16:42,855 --> 00:16:45,415
To me there are tables and there
are tables. Am I right, Gordon?
296
00:16:45,495 --> 00:16:48,134
Well, you know me, Stuart.
Table is as table does.
297
00:16:48,215 --> 00:16:50,285
At least it's snug, poppet.
298
00:16:51,535 --> 00:16:55,733
What it is, poppet, is cramped. You
should have used my name when you booked.
299
00:16:55,815 --> 00:16:56,850
I did.
300
00:16:56,975 --> 00:16:58,328
What, Mr Poppet?
301
00:17:02,975 --> 00:17:03,975
Oh.
302
00:17:04,055 --> 00:17:05,932
- Good evening, sir.
- Good evening.
303
00:17:07,095 --> 00:17:08,448
Table for bomb, please.
304
00:17:09,015 --> 00:17:10,050
Excuse me?
305
00:17:12,575 --> 00:17:15,135
Yes. Table for one.
For one. I was...
306
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:17,890
Sorry. Bit nervous.
I've never...
307
00:17:18,975 --> 00:17:20,727
never actually eaten.
308
00:17:21,735 --> 00:17:23,009
I mean, before.
309
00:17:23,655 --> 00:17:26,328
Oh, well, you have chosen
the perfect place to start.
310
00:17:26,415 --> 00:17:27,415
Have I?
311
00:17:28,095 --> 00:17:29,210
Follow me, please.
312
00:17:34,935 --> 00:17:38,530
- So, what did we think of the show?
- Loved it. Thought it was really nice.
313
00:17:38,615 --> 00:17:40,765
Me, too. High quality
entertainment.
314
00:17:40,855 --> 00:17:43,071
Yeah, well, I'm going to come
right out and say it's a, you know,
315
00:17:43,095 --> 00:17:46,929
that to me, Jeffrey Archer is the finest
playwright this country has turned out
316
00:17:47,015 --> 00:17:50,052
since... since
William Shakespeare.
317
00:17:50,295 --> 00:17:51,933
That's a hell of
a statement, Stu.
318
00:17:52,015 --> 00:17:55,451
Well, I'm going to go one further,
Gordon. To me, Jeffrey Archer delivers.
319
00:17:55,535 --> 00:17:57,890
Oh, the guy can
write, no question.
320
00:17:58,255 --> 00:17:59,449
Delivers, does he?
321
00:17:59,775 --> 00:18:02,536
- I beg your pardon, Jill?
- Come on, darling. You know what he means.
322
00:18:02,575 --> 00:18:05,806
No, it's all right. Thank you,
Gordon. I can fight my own battles.
323
00:18:06,855 --> 00:18:10,928
What he delivers, Jill, to
my mind, is quality drama.
324
00:18:11,895 --> 00:18:14,125
Okay, it's a little dangerous.
325
00:18:15,015 --> 00:18:18,591
Okay, it's not something that your average joe
punter is going to find all that accessible,
326
00:18:18,615 --> 00:18:21,083
but in the market he's
working to, he delivers,
327
00:18:21,175 --> 00:18:24,724
and Gordon will tell you that that's a
compliment I use very sparingly indeed.
328
00:18:24,815 --> 00:18:26,487
It's true actually,
Jill. It's true.
329
00:18:26,855 --> 00:18:29,892
Stuart is not the kind of man to bandy
the word "deliver" around the place.
330
00:18:29,975 --> 00:18:33,047
- Yeah, well. Thank you, Gordon.
- I thought the sets were marvellous.
331
00:18:33,135 --> 00:18:35,490
They were really clever.
Weren't they, poppet?
332
00:18:35,575 --> 00:18:38,089
Yeah, and the costumes,
they were fantastic.
333
00:18:38,175 --> 00:18:40,484
Sorry, they were wearing
suits, weren't they?
334
00:18:40,975 --> 00:18:44,888
Well, this is where Jeffrey Archer is
so strongly seen, in his observation.
335
00:18:45,255 --> 00:18:46,734
He's observed that in an office
336
00:18:46,815 --> 00:18:49,454
a large number of people wear
suits. Isn't that right, Gordon?
337
00:18:49,543 --> 00:18:50,632
Absolutely, Stu.
338
00:18:50,656 --> 00:18:53,056
Yeah, well, you see,
he's observed that, you see?
339
00:18:53,081 --> 00:18:55,369
I mean, the guy's got an
eye for detail, like...
340
00:18:55,455 --> 00:18:57,446
Well, there's no one
like him in my book.
341
00:18:57,535 --> 00:18:59,014
To be fair to myself, Stu,
342
00:18:59,095 --> 00:19:01,529
I had observed that people
in offices wear suits, too.
343
00:19:02,295 --> 00:19:04,331
No, no. No, you hadn't, Gordon.
344
00:19:04,495 --> 00:19:06,271
You see, you can only say that
after you've seen the play.
345
00:19:06,295 --> 00:19:09,135
If I'd asked you before the play, you
know, what people wear in offices,
346
00:19:09,215 --> 00:19:11,126
you wouldn't have had a clue.
347
00:19:11,215 --> 00:19:12,853
I think I would have said suits.
348
00:19:12,935 --> 00:19:15,130
- No, you wouldn't, Gordon.
- I think I would.
349
00:19:15,215 --> 00:19:18,252
- No, you wouldn't!
- I would. I would!
350
00:19:18,655 --> 00:19:19,751
Hold up. Now, wait a minute.
351
00:19:19,775 --> 00:19:22,528
Look, that bloke came in after
us and they're taking his order.
352
00:19:22,615 --> 00:19:23,934
What would you like, sir?
353
00:19:25,415 --> 00:19:26,530
Crikey, yes.
354
00:19:27,255 --> 00:19:28,734
Is something the matter, sir?
355
00:19:29,935 --> 00:19:32,813
Well, how many lavatories
have you got here?
356
00:19:33,455 --> 00:19:34,934
Just one, sir. Over there.
357
00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:37,127
Yes, yes, I've tried that one.
358
00:19:37,495 --> 00:19:39,690
It's no good. No bloody good!
359
00:19:42,095 --> 00:19:44,893
You see, the cistern, it's
too close to the wall.
360
00:19:44,975 --> 00:19:47,773
You can't get anything between
the cistern and the wall.
361
00:19:48,455 --> 00:19:49,888
Oh, hell!
362
00:19:51,655 --> 00:19:53,213
Are you ready to order, sir?
363
00:19:53,295 --> 00:19:57,368
Order, yes. Well, to be perfectly
honest, I'm not awfully hungry.
364
00:19:58,215 --> 00:20:00,046
Well, may I recommend the salad?
365
00:20:00,335 --> 00:20:03,532
Perhaps a smoked chicken salad?
It makes a perfect light meal.
366
00:20:04,135 --> 00:20:06,649
Yes, well, yes, that sounds
awfully good. Awfully good.
367
00:20:06,735 --> 00:20:10,125
Tell you what, though, instead of that
I think I'll just have a glass of water.
368
00:20:11,055 --> 00:20:12,488
Just a glass of water, sir?
369
00:20:13,095 --> 00:20:14,687
Oh, Lord, no! No,
make it a bottle!
370
00:20:16,015 --> 00:20:18,688
No. Tell you what, half
a dozen bottles. Hmm?
371
00:20:18,775 --> 00:20:20,811
I mean, you only
live once, don't you?
372
00:20:21,255 --> 00:20:22,255
Very good, sir.
373
00:20:23,215 --> 00:20:24,489
Oh, hell.
374
00:20:26,295 --> 00:20:30,493
♪ Hold my legs up skyward
375
00:20:31,735 --> 00:20:36,047
♪ For you to smell
just as I would
376
00:20:37,415 --> 00:20:40,054
♪ Leaves the carpet bare
377
00:20:40,775 --> 00:20:43,847
♪ And never let our ears
378
00:20:44,415 --> 00:20:46,565
♪ Be rotten
379
00:20:55,255 --> 00:20:57,849
♪ Too late, too big
380
00:20:58,175 --> 00:21:01,292
♪ Too wide, too comfy ♪
381
00:21:06,295 --> 00:21:07,364
Good evening, sir.
382
00:21:07,455 --> 00:21:10,413
Good evening. I'd like to
order some soup to start and...
383
00:21:10,495 --> 00:21:11,564
Wait a minute.
384
00:21:11,655 --> 00:21:13,168
- What?
- Good Lord.
385
00:21:13,255 --> 00:21:16,167
You're Keith Bennett, aren't
you? The government minister?
386
00:21:16,255 --> 00:21:19,725
- Well, as a matter of fact I am, yes.
- I thought so! I knew it!
387
00:21:19,815 --> 00:21:22,852
Oh, Mr Bennett, this is wonderful.
I have to say, I'm a great admirer
388
00:21:22,935 --> 00:21:24,375
- of you and your policies.
- Really?
389
00:21:24,455 --> 00:21:27,288
Oh, for definite. Can I recommend
the halibut, by the way?
390
00:21:27,375 --> 00:21:30,173
- It comes in a nice black butter sauce.
- Thank you.
391
00:21:30,455 --> 00:21:34,243
Yeah, 'cause you steered that broadcasting
bill through the House of Commons, didn't you?
392
00:21:34,335 --> 00:21:37,566
- Yes, I did, indeed.
- Brilliant, quite brilliant.
393
00:21:37,655 --> 00:21:39,885
Well, I must say, this is
really most gratifying.
394
00:21:40,535 --> 00:21:42,412
So, you really do
admire my policies?
395
00:21:42,495 --> 00:21:44,645
Yeah, what, most people
don't like you, then?
396
00:21:44,735 --> 00:21:47,533
No, no, no, it's just that...
Well, you know what it is.
397
00:21:47,615 --> 00:21:50,527
We aren't always the most popular
of people, we politicians.
398
00:21:50,615 --> 00:21:54,574
Yeah, yeah. You must get used to people
calling you a complete dickhead, I suppose.
399
00:21:55,455 --> 00:21:57,013
No, not exactly.
400
00:21:57,615 --> 00:22:01,574
Oh, that speech you made about
de-regularising broadcasting.
401
00:22:01,655 --> 00:22:04,328
I cheered for you that
night, Mr Bennett.
402
00:22:05,175 --> 00:22:07,530
"We must strive to
offer the consumer
403
00:22:07,615 --> 00:22:09,651
"a far greater range of choice.
404
00:22:09,735 --> 00:22:13,250
"For too long broadcasting has
been in the grip of a small elite.
405
00:22:13,335 --> 00:22:16,407
"We must expand and
offer more choice!"
406
00:22:16,775 --> 00:22:19,369
Good heavens. You've
remembered it word for word.
407
00:22:19,455 --> 00:22:22,492
Well, it was masterly
stuff, Mr Bennett. I mean...
408
00:22:22,975 --> 00:22:24,249
- Oh, my God.
- What?
409
00:22:25,095 --> 00:22:26,767
- Your cutlery.
- What's wrong?
410
00:22:26,855 --> 00:22:28,925
A silver knife and fork.
I can't believe it.
411
00:22:29,015 --> 00:22:30,831
These are rather nice.
They're not dirty, are they?
412
00:22:30,855 --> 00:22:32,991
Oh, my... That this should
happen to you of all people.
413
00:22:33,015 --> 00:22:35,609
- I am so sorry. I'll be right back.
- They were fine.
414
00:22:39,015 --> 00:22:40,130
Of course.
415
00:22:40,735 --> 00:22:42,009
Moulinex.
416
00:22:42,615 --> 00:22:44,287
- What?
- All the way through,
417
00:22:44,375 --> 00:22:46,591
I was trying to think where
I'd seen that actress before.
418
00:22:46,615 --> 00:22:49,527
- She's the one in the Moulinex advert.
- Oh, that's right.
419
00:22:49,615 --> 00:22:51,492
- Yes, the one about the blender.
- That's it.
420
00:22:51,575 --> 00:22:52,644
What, the wife?
421
00:22:53,695 --> 00:22:54,695
Sorry?
422
00:22:54,935 --> 00:22:57,175
The actress who played the
wife is in some sort of advert
423
00:22:57,215 --> 00:22:58,215
at the moment, is she?
424
00:23:00,575 --> 00:23:02,566
Hello? Laura, wake up!
425
00:23:02,895 --> 00:23:06,729
The actress in the play who was playing
the wife that we just saw tonight,
426
00:23:06,935 --> 00:23:08,775
you're saying she's in
an advert at the moment?
427
00:23:08,935 --> 00:23:10,448
- The wife?
- Yes.
428
00:23:11,095 --> 00:23:13,325
Actually, Stuart, she
was playing his daughter.
429
00:23:15,575 --> 00:23:18,375
Hold on. I'm probably getting her
confused with someone. Wait a minute.
430
00:23:20,095 --> 00:23:22,563
There was only one woman
in the play, Stuart.
431
00:23:23,495 --> 00:23:25,292
And she was his
daughter, poppet.
432
00:23:25,535 --> 00:23:28,095
That was sort of the idea
of the entire evening, Stu.
433
00:23:30,695 --> 00:23:32,287
Yeah, daughter.
434
00:23:32,815 --> 00:23:34,965
- What did I say?
- You said wife.
435
00:23:35,695 --> 00:23:38,084
- Did I?
- Three times.
436
00:23:40,255 --> 00:23:43,406
This table is definitely smaller, you
know. I mean, all those other ones...
437
00:23:43,495 --> 00:23:44,894
Gor blimey!
438
00:23:45,175 --> 00:23:46,972
Look, that man over there.
439
00:23:47,495 --> 00:23:48,751
He's in the
government, isn't he?
440
00:23:48,775 --> 00:23:51,528
- Isn't he a cabinet minister or something?
- It's Keith Bennett.
441
00:23:51,615 --> 00:23:54,334
Got it! Roy Hattersley,
you're quite right, Gordon.
442
00:23:57,415 --> 00:23:59,292
I do apologise.
443
00:23:59,655 --> 00:24:01,691
Apologise for what? The
fork and knife were fine.
444
00:24:01,775 --> 00:24:04,812
Oh, it's very kind of you,
sir, but I absolutely insist.
445
00:24:04,895 --> 00:24:06,408
What... What...
446
00:24:06,495 --> 00:24:08,963
- What's this?
- Your cutlery, sir.
447
00:24:09,175 --> 00:24:12,326
Cutlery? But these are
plastic coffee stirrers.
448
00:24:12,415 --> 00:24:14,871
Yes, I know. But at least you've
got the choice now, haven't you?
449
00:24:14,895 --> 00:24:18,175
I mean, they may be complete crap, but at
least you've got the choice, haven't you?
450
00:24:18,215 --> 00:24:20,410
And that's so important,
isn't it? To have a choice!
451
00:24:20,495 --> 00:24:22,645
You mad, disgusting bastard!
452
00:24:23,055 --> 00:24:26,365
What are you doing to our television
system? What are you doing to our country?
453
00:24:26,455 --> 00:24:29,128
I'm gonna kill you, you bastard!
454
00:24:29,255 --> 00:24:32,486
That politician man's being
strangled by a waiter.
455
00:24:32,575 --> 00:24:34,566
God, I hate you! I'm gonna
kill you, you bastard!
456
00:24:34,655 --> 00:24:36,486
At least he's got a
decent sized table.
457
00:24:37,255 --> 00:24:39,052
Anyway, to return to the play,
458
00:24:39,135 --> 00:24:41,854
I have to say that although
the acting was really good...
459
00:24:41,935 --> 00:24:43,812
- Marvellous acting.
- Yeah.
460
00:24:43,895 --> 00:24:47,171
I do think the play would have been
benefited from having a Paul Eddington in it.
461
00:24:47,255 --> 00:24:50,292
- A Paul Eddington?
- Well, ideally the Paul Eddington.
462
00:24:50,375 --> 00:24:51,649
Isn't he wonderful?
463
00:24:51,735 --> 00:24:54,775
Yeah, well, you see the thing about Paul
Eddington, of course, is his timing.
464
00:24:55,295 --> 00:24:58,890
- His timing is just so...
- Well, it's the timing of a master.
465
00:24:58,975 --> 00:25:01,569
A friend of mine's sister
married Paul Eddington's doctor.
466
00:25:02,135 --> 00:25:03,514
You never told me that, Gordon.
467
00:25:03,538 --> 00:25:05,252
Well, you know,
one doesn't like to boast.
468
00:25:05,335 --> 00:25:06,927
Though, apparently...
469
00:25:07,015 --> 00:25:09,165
apparently, it's well known
470
00:25:09,255 --> 00:25:12,565
that Paul Eddington has the
second best timing in the business
471
00:25:12,655 --> 00:25:14,008
after Nigel Havers.
472
00:25:16,295 --> 00:25:19,093
What is timing, exactly?
473
00:25:19,175 --> 00:25:23,248
Well, timing, it's... It's a bit
difficult to explain to a woman, Jill,
474
00:25:23,335 --> 00:25:30,207
but timing is basically the magic
ingredient that Paul Eddington's got.
475
00:25:30,295 --> 00:25:31,523
Well, what is it?
476
00:25:31,615 --> 00:25:33,924
Yes, I'd like to know
that, too, I must say.
477
00:25:36,535 --> 00:25:38,491
I know your doctor's
brother-in-law.
478
00:25:41,615 --> 00:25:42,615
How nice.
479
00:25:43,415 --> 00:25:47,090
Yes, well, we were just
explaining to our wives
480
00:25:47,175 --> 00:25:49,973
that, well, you've got amongst
the best timing in show business.
481
00:25:50,055 --> 00:25:51,886
Ah, well. After Nigel Havers.
482
00:25:52,575 --> 00:25:53,928
Yes. Come on, level
with us, Paul,
483
00:25:54,015 --> 00:25:56,609
would you class
your timing as good,
484
00:25:56,695 --> 00:26:00,608
very good, extremely
good, or immaculate?
485
00:26:01,775 --> 00:26:02,775
Well...
486
00:26:06,615 --> 00:26:09,049
Hello, look, excuse
me, everyone.
487
00:26:09,975 --> 00:26:12,773
Sorry to bother you and
all that sort of filth.
488
00:26:13,735 --> 00:26:16,169
But... Oh, nearly forgot.
Long live freedom.
489
00:26:16,895 --> 00:26:20,410
No, the thing is,
there's a bomb.
490
00:26:21,775 --> 00:26:23,652
Yeah, I know. Rotten, isn't it?
491
00:26:24,575 --> 00:26:27,647
No, the thing is, it is
about to go off, so...
492
00:26:27,735 --> 00:26:29,487
I don't know, you
might like to leave.
493
00:26:31,615 --> 00:26:33,255
- That's right. This way. Yes.
- Yes, yes.
494
00:26:33,335 --> 00:26:35,803
This way. This way.
This way, please.
495
00:26:35,895 --> 00:26:37,647
Oh, crikey, my bill.
496
00:26:51,175 --> 00:26:52,608
You know, I think they like me.
497
00:27:06,415 --> 00:27:08,610
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
now that... Ah, now, yes.
498
00:27:08,695 --> 00:27:11,653
I wonder if you recognise
that from Where Eagles Dare.
499
00:27:11,735 --> 00:27:15,011
There's a scene in Where
Eagles Dare where, ha,
500
00:27:15,455 --> 00:27:19,733
where Richard Burton is
pretending to be a German agent.
501
00:27:19,895 --> 00:27:22,614
When, in actual fact, what he's
doing is, he's trying to find out
502
00:27:22,695 --> 00:27:25,289
the names of all the German
agents working in England.
503
00:27:25,375 --> 00:27:29,414
And the funny thing is, you see,
that happened to me the other day.
504
00:27:30,775 --> 00:27:31,924
- It did?
- Yes, it did. Yes.
505
00:27:32,015 --> 00:27:35,132
It's funny 'cause things from films are
always happening to me. There was...
506
00:27:35,375 --> 00:27:37,286
Do you know the
scene in WarGames
507
00:27:37,375 --> 00:27:42,733
where the scientist calls the Air
Force general a pig-eyed sack of shit?
508
00:27:43,935 --> 00:27:46,324
That happened to me. Someone
called me that the other day.
509
00:27:46,415 --> 00:27:49,054
And Fatal Attraction.
510
00:27:50,175 --> 00:27:53,215
I almost sued when that came out. I
mean, that could have been made about me!
511
00:27:53,295 --> 00:27:54,364
It's incredible.
512
00:27:54,455 --> 00:27:56,923
You were persecuted by a
one-night stand, were you?
513
00:27:57,015 --> 00:27:59,688
No, no, no. Don't be silly. No.
514
00:27:59,775 --> 00:28:01,367
I went to bed with
Glenn Close, though.
515
00:28:03,015 --> 00:28:05,449
- That's ridiculous.
- Yes, it is ridiculous, yes.
516
00:28:06,175 --> 00:28:07,455
Went to bed with
Michael Douglas.
517
00:28:08,335 --> 00:28:10,974
- You went to bed with Michael Douglas?
- Well, in a sense.
518
00:28:11,055 --> 00:28:12,055
In what sense?
519
00:28:12,855 --> 00:28:14,732
Completely made-up,
untrue sense.
520
00:28:15,735 --> 00:28:18,454
Yes. Well, I've been to bed with
Michael Douglas in that sense.
521
00:28:18,535 --> 00:28:20,969
- Really?
- Well, nibbled his toes.
522
00:28:22,015 --> 00:28:23,050
What was it like?
523
00:28:23,135 --> 00:28:25,524
- Great. He was very sensitive and caring.
- Really?
524
00:28:25,615 --> 00:28:28,254
But I will tell you, ladies and
gentlemen, a really true thing
525
00:28:28,335 --> 00:28:30,849
that actually did happen to me,
and this is rather interesting.
526
00:28:30,935 --> 00:28:34,894
I was sprawled in bed with
Kathleen Turner and David Vine,
527
00:28:35,695 --> 00:28:38,209
when suddenly, the most
remarkable thing happened...
528
00:28:38,295 --> 00:28:40,809
Immaculate, I'd say.
41355
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