All language subtitles for Mad About You - S03E16 - The Alan Brady Show-ing

What? I just really,
really love you.

Well, I really, really,
really love you.

Why must everything be
a competition with you?

♪ Tell me why I
love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop
my heart as much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump
into the final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby

♪ Yeah! ♪

How long does it take to
watch a 90-minute documentary?

I would think about an hour
and a half tops, right? I told ya.

It's okay. It's okay.
You know why?

'Cause it's him, and
if you're going to do

a documentary on
the history of television,

who would you get? Would you get
somebody like him? No, no, you get him.

I told ya. Think he'll do it?

I mean, you worked with him in
the old days. Is he gonna do it?

Yes, he'll do it. He'll do
it. He'll do it. He'll do it.

I used to love this guy. He's such a
lovable legend. You know, he's just...

(PHONE RINGING) He's him.

MAN: I said pumpernickel.

I told ya.

So, I told your father, "You're a
big boy. Go by yourself this year."

You know how these
butcher conventions are. Yep.

Blah, blah, blah, sirloin,
blah, blah, blah, flank steak.

I mean after 34 years,
what's left to say about meat?

That's what you're
wearing? Yeah.

To your meeting? Yeah.

Oh, no, it's lovely.

Anyway, Aunt Lolly and I just had a
ball at the matinee today, didn't we?

Those dancers, were they skinny.

Remember how skinny I was when
I used to dance? That wasn't you.

Mama, I hate to keep you.
Shouldn't you be getting back?

You know, the
Connecticut Turnpike?

What about it?
She wants you on it.

Okay. Good luck tonight and,
uh, don't forget to comb your hair.

Okay. Bye, bye, Aunt Lolly.

You know, that woman
is driving me nuts. I know.

When she picked me up
this morning, I was a brunette.

I got him. JAMIE: Who?

Him. JAMIE: You got Alan Brady?

I got Alan Brady.
Oh, congratulations.

Isn't that something?
So, what did he say?

He said, "I'll do it." No,
tell me his exact words.

All right. "I'll do it." God.

I'm telling ya. So,
what is he like?

He's... He's like
him but in color.

Really?

Yeah, well, we only
had 10 seconds together,

but guess who he's taking out
to dinner tonight? You and me.

I can't.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)
What do you mean you can't?

I have a meeting. What meeting?

See? I do too listen.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, the meeting. Yes, you
have the meeting, the meeting.

I know, with the
guy from uptown.

No, you're meeting him uptown. This is the
guy from... from Vermont. Not originally.

This is the guy... He's driving
through Vermont from Canada.

This is so sad.

Well, she gave me
the worst clues here.

Oh, I will have you know that
I was a charades champion

at camp Wankahana
three years running.

Good. Listen, you got
to come with me on this.

I'm sorry. Okay, what's this?

This is important.
Well, so is this.

Geese, see? Yeah.

What's this? You
can go without me.

The Sting. Okay.

He specifically
said, "Bring the wife."

"The wife?" My wife.

You said, "The wife."

The my-wife, the
my-wife. I'm begging you.

"Bridge Over
Trouble Water." Yes.

JAMIE: Fine. I will be there
as soon as I can. Thank you.

08:00, Antonios. The
reservation is under his name.

I might be a little late. All
right. But not like too late.

Okay. All right. Thank you.

You gonna wear that? Paul?

What? Two words. First
word. Sounds like duck.

Second word, yeah? Off.

He asked that you
wait at his table.

His table? Yes.

This is his own
table? Wow. Uh-huh.

Dig me. I'm at
Alan Brady's table.

I have my own table. This is
my table. Do you like my table?

It's my table. It's mahogany.

What, what is this?
Mr. Brady, how are you, sir?

What are you doing? What?

What are you doing?
I was just sitting.

Where? Right here.

Where? At your table.

Where at my table? Right here.

Where? In the chair.

What chair? This chair.

Whose chair? Your chair.

A-ha.

Sit over there. I was
sitting in your chair.

I'm so sorry. I would think so.

And oh, my, my wife
may be a little bit late.

Who? My wife.

Late for what? For dinner.

You're bringing your wife? Well,
you told me, "Bring your wife."

Well, sure, bring your wife.
Why don't you bring your mother?

Got any kids? No.

Oh, what a shame. I was
hoping to feed a whole family.

Maurice, free
eats for everybody.

Really? Shut up.
Get out of here.

You got a cigar? Cigar? No.

Give me a dollar.

It's a joke. It's a joke.

Where you going to get
a cigar for a dollar now?

They don't know jokes.
They don't know jokes.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.
Hey. Get out of here.

What? Get out of here.

I must have made a mistake or
something. Well, no, no, no, no.

I already told him you're
here. Okay. Just sit down.

Not there, not there. What
is the matter with you?

Him... Him's the matter with me.

Who? Who, Brady.

What about him? He's so mean.

Mr. Brady, let me introduce...
This is my wife. Mr. Brady.

Call me Alan. I'm Jamie.

What are you doing
sitting there? He told me to.

There's a draft
there. Take my chair.

Thank you.

Tell me, have we ever met anywhere
before? No. I'm sure I would remember.

Oh, yes, yes, you would. Well,
anyway, what the heck. We're here now.

Where's my napkin?

I edited his show 12 years. Do you
know what he gave me for Christmas?

What? A pineapple.

What, you mean like a fruit
basket? I mean a pineapple.

All right. All right.
Why am I unhappy?

What do you mean,
you're not happy?

Sam, you worked with
me how many years?

Sid. Exactly.

Tell him, am I happy? He's
a miserable son-of-a-bitch.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. No, no,
no, no. Listen to him. He knows.

And why am I unhappy?
I'll tell you why I'm unhappy.

I watched your
film again last night.

I watched it with
my wife and a watch.

You know what I found out?
I'll tell you what I found out.

I'm in this for six minutes.

360 lousy seconds in the
whole history of television,

is that what you think I am?

You talk now. Okay.

It's... it's not that at all. It's just
that, you know, it's only a 90-minute film,

and there's so much great footage
out there. So, what I was trying to do is,

you talk again now?

Where's the bowling pin sketch? Where's
the piano player with the itch sketch?

Where's my singing with Fabian?

Look, kid, you want me to
narrate this thing or don't you?

Yes, yes. I am ecstatic. I am
ecstatic that you're doing it.

HBO is ecstatic. Sid
is ecstatic. Look at Sid.

All right. But look, I got to tell
you, I worked a long time on this.

I really think that the way
it is, it's just... It's perfect.

It stinks. Let me finish.

Certain... Certain places
still need a little work. It stinks.

None of it is good.
That's all I'm saying.

Always good to see you,
Sam. Say hello to Gladys.

It's Sid. Say hello to Sid.

Call me, kid, when you fix it.

He's just so mean.

Well, isn't this exotic? I've always
wanted to eat uncooked food.

Mom, we can go someplace else.

No. As long as I am with
my two girls, I'm happy.

Well, any luck on
the job market? No.

You know what you haven't
tried yet, Beanie? Fish throwing.

Excuse me?

You know, when they want to
get a cod from the boat to the dock.

Ma, I don't want to throw fish.

Well, what do you
want to do? I don't know.

Jamie, have you and Paul thought
any more about having children?

Oh, that's such
good news. What is?

You tell me. No,
no, not yet. We're...

Well, when? I don't know.

Lisa, going out
with anybody lately?

Answer my prayers. No, no, no.

I've been to busy
talking to Jamie

about how nice it would be
for them to move to Connecticut.

You know, I've always said...

I can't leave New York with
Lisa thinking of joining a cult.

Again?

No, Mom, I won't,
I mean I wouldn't...

You know, Jamie,
she... Fish throwing, huh?

I know, I said I had Alan Brady,
but that was when I had Alan Brady.

No, no, I'm not saying I don't
have Alan Brady. I'm just saying...

Saying that, you know,
everything is great,

and we'll be there, and we'll
see you at the big screening.

All right, then. Bye.

Ah, well, that's it. We don't
have Brady, we have no deal.

There's got to be somebody
else. Who do you know?

Do you know George Gobel? Dead.

What about, what's his
name, Charley Weaver? Dead.

Tina Louise?

I can't call her.

Look at him, he's so great.

He's just... Who am I kidding?
It's got to be him. It's got to be him.

(CHATTERING ON TV)

Wait a second. Wait a second.
Hold on. Go, go, go back. Go back.

(REWINDING)

Right there.

You're wrong. You're
absolutely wrong.

Harry, if you don't stop flirting,
I'm going home to mother. No,

I'm going to have Mother move
in with us. How do you like that?

I do not flirt.
Well, hello there.

It's all in your head. Harry,
I'm at the end of my rope.

I don't know what you're
talking about. For you.

You're imagining
these things, I tell you.

Why are we watching this?
You'll see. Just a second.

Please, I spent the
whole day with my mother.

She kept talking and talking,
and she didn't say anything.

The whole time this little noise
in my head went eeek, eeek,

the whole time all
day, eeek, eeek, eeek.

Just hang one second.

Madeline, you've got to
forgive me, please. I beg you.

I love you. I worship you.

It's you and only you
for the rest of my life.

Oh, Harry.

It's cold out here. You
shouldn't be out like that.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, my God, that's
my mom. I told you.

Yes. Hi. Is Tennessee
Ernie Ford there, please.

Oh, I am sorry. Well,
my condolences.

Thank you. I don't believe this.
Everybody is either dead or Alan Brady.

Okay, see? Right there.

Wow, are you sure that's Mom?
No. It's me. I was very big in the '50s.

Well, how come she never
told us? Because she's Mom.

She doesn't talk about
stuff. She just talks.

See, if I put his bowling
pin sketch in here,

then that puts Bonanza
next to What's My Line,

which moves Loretta Young right in
the middle of the Watergate hearings.

There's got to be somebody else.

Look, right there, Pretty
girl No. 3, Terry Cooper.

Oh. Cool.

Cool?

Don't you see? This explains why
I'm so screwed up. I'm a showbiz kid.

Sid, hi, Paul. Okay,
Mr. Green Jeans? Ah, okay.

Where are you going? To tell my
shrink we're gonna have to start all over.

This is so cool.

Do you believe this?

We find out our mother had a whole
life, and all she thinks of is herself.

Yeah, unbelievable. Hey,
who played Little Ricky?

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

Who did you ignore
before you met me?

Mom, hi. Hi, gang.

Well, hello.

I was just in the city. So, I
thought I'd bring you some food.

Why were you in the city?
To bring you some food.

So, what's new?

Nothing. Paul is just
working on his documentary

on the history of television

with Alan Brady.

Oh, did I ever tell
you I was on his show?

No. Really? Well, I was.

How old are these
olives? I don't remember.

You know the rule. I can't
believe you never told me this.

I thought I did. Was he like
a big meany back then, too?

He was him. How
many times were you on?

Oh, five if you count
the gorilla sketch.

So, so how would you handle him?

The gorilla sketch?

This carrot is so bendy.
What else did you do?

Oh, this and that.

Okay. So I know he was
really nice to Patti Page.

So, how could I be
more like Patti Page?

I'm rearranging your
eggs. This and what?

I mean like, if I stood up to him,
would that be a real, real bad idea?

Will you excuse me, please? I'm trying
to have a conversation with my mother.

So am I. Well, I got here first.

Well, just talk about
Alan Brady, please.

Mom, talk to me, okay? Sure.

Smell this milk. Okay. My turn.

So, so how did you... how did
you... how did you handle him?

Oh, beats me.

You were an actress? No. I
was pretty. I had a lot of pep.

So they put me in a
couple of sketches.

So, so you had, like, a whole life
that we don't know anything about.

See how I gave that one for
you. No, no. It's no big deal.

I was young. I needed a
job, and I had a connection.

To Alan Brady? Uh-huh.

What connection? He
used to date your Aunt Lolly.

Hey, barkie, another saki.

See, if I knew how to handle this
guy... Did you ever tickle his ear?

I can't say that I
have. Well, it works.

So you knew him really well?
Oh, I knew them all in those days.

All those funny boys used to
come up and do the Catskills.

Aunt Lolly played the harp
in Grosssinger's Lobby.

Get out of here. Oh, that
Alan, was he cute and young.

I liked them young. Wow.

Wow nothing. He
was just like his act,

six minutes of great
material and no finish.

That's just a little bit more
than I needed to know.

So, so what was he
like? He was a man.

In other words, what?

Well, we were a regular item, then he'd
get the itch and start bird-dogging around.

So... So now what,
what did you do?

I gave what I got.

I'd samba with Sid Caesar

and go kayaking
with Fat Jack Leonard,

and the next thing you
know, he'd be crazy jealous

and come scratching at my
door like Churchill's Pekingese.

This is good to know.

Did you, did you ever
go out with Milton Berle?

It's true.

I don't know about this.

You want to change
your film? No.

Do you want him to narrate? Yes.

Do you want to
tickle his ear? All right.

(INTERCOM BUZZING)

Sid? He's in the elevator.

Did he see you?
I'm wearing a hat.

All right. Well, here we go.

Bread him like a cutlet.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Okay. I'm here. Show me
the changes. You, I like.

Honey, look. Oh,
you shouldn't have.

Why not? No, that's
just... just an expression.

So is "May I take your coat?"

Sorry, of course.

And Mr. Brady, may I say what an
honor it is to have you in our home.

Lucky for you she asked me. (CHUCKLES)
So, umm, dinner first or business?

Well, you know what, I thought we
would get business out of the way

and then we could
enjoy the evening.

Okay. Okay.

I'm not gonna change my film.

You ready to eat? I'll see.

Paul, Paul, Paul, do you,
do you have a piece of paper?

Sure. Thank you.

"Have hearing checked."

Funniest thing, I thought I heard you
say you're not going to change your film.

Yeah, well, that's
true. That's what I said.

Look, Mr. Brady, I know that you're
accustomed to getting things your way.

But this is my show, and
we have a verbal agreement,

and I expect you to live up
to your end of the bargain.

I'm sorry that it comes down to this,
but that is it, that is my final decision.

Oh, that was just
adorable. Get my coat.

Certainly. Hope
everybody's hungry.

Where are you going?
Ah, Mr. Brady has to leave.

This is what I get for
stepping off the mountain.

You I still like. Mr. Brady,
Alan, please don't go.

Honey, honey, we can't, we can't
work it out. Of course, we can work it out.

There will be other
movies. Not with Mr. Brady.

Will you two get away from me!

Mr. Brady, please.
Sweetie, it's over.

Really? Oh, it's over.

Yeah, so why, why don't we
just eat and move on. Okay?

Mr. Brady, again, thank you and good
evening. It was nice meeting you, kid.

Give my regards to oblivion.

Oh, this lasagna smells
good. What did you put in this?

Oh, noodles and tomato sauce,

(BLUBBERING) cheese. Oh, Paul.

It's okay, sweetie. I'm... I'm sure
everything, something will work out.

I know. It's just we were
counting on this so much.

Listen, Paul, I've
got to talk to you.

Oh, sorry. Yeah, this
is not a great time.

Just come here.

Sorry folks, it will only
take a second. Excuse me.

Sorry I'm making it
tough on you. Yeah, well.

Okay, okay, keep the pineapple.

Sweetie, may I see you
in the kitchen, please?

All right.

Well, who's hungry?
Load me up, baby.

Mr. Brady, you're absolutely
right. I know I am. About what?

If you don't feel comfortable with the
film, if you are not happy with the film,

then I see no reason
that you should do it.

I see no reason either.
It wouldn't be right.

It wouldn't be right at all.

All right, all right. What's
going on here? Nothing.

Oh, mushrooms in here.
Come on. Come on. Come on.

Well, it's just that
everything has worked out.

We found somebody
else to take your place.

So, there is nothing
for you to worry about.

Oh, fine, fine.

Who'd you get?
Not that it matters.

Oh, nobody. Sid Caesar.

I've heard of him.

Cheese, sweetie?

Caesar is a genius.
Brilliant physical comedian,

which, by the way, is very
important for a narrator.

He does all those
wonderful double takes

that nobody will see, but it will be nice
that they're there, and he does pantomime.

Oh, that will come in handy.
This is just delicious, sweetie.

You know what, kid, I can
see you're in kind of a jam.

I am, huh? Yeah. Tell
you what I'm gonna do.

I like you, and you're growing
on me. Why don't I bail you out?

Really? What the heck.

(STUTTERING) Well, I don't know.

You don't know? No.

He's going to kill this yet.

Yeah, well, it's just that you seem very
uncomfortable with the film the way it is.

It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.
Just made a few suggestions.

That's the kind of a person I am.
Whatever you want. Let's do it your way.

All right. Well,
then, you got a deal.

And I'll tell you what. I'll call Sid
Caesar. I will let him down easy.

I don't know why you made
such a big fuss about this.

Well, now that this is
settled, let's sit down and eat.

Okay. Mr. Brady? Yes.

You're sitting in my chair.

And? And I'm thrilled.

So, you come in the door
and you trip over the ottoman.

You see, you're looking over
there, not looking here, you trip over it

and she helps you up.

I don't know. Honey,
he's our guest.

If he wants you to
fall, you should fall.

I don't know that an ottoman is
funny, what if, and I'm just pitching,

if I trip over, like, a hat.
See, that's never been done.

You know why it's
never been done? Why?

It's stupid.

All right, but, now, again, it's
just an idea, instead of tripping,

I'm walking, right, so,
I come in, I'm walking

on the ottoman, and
then I keep walking.

I'm really sorry about Paul.

Would that be funny?
No, my mother can do that.

All right. Now, this is, okay,
'cause you're expecting falling, right?

So, I'm walking and
all of a sudden, I sit.

Sitting has never been
funny. Never. Sitting.

Whistler's Mother is
sitting, who laughs?

All right, let me just
bounce this off of you.