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In a normal family, a surprise means presence, cake, and a party.
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For me?
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I had no idea.
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And my family doing something nice as seen as an attack.
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When I was nine, I attacked my father with a father's day gift,
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a visor organizer for his car, because it was useful.
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And it rhymed.
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A visor organizer. A organizer.
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I was nine.
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Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, how do you like the visor organizer?
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It hangs in my face. You're a little gift almost killed, Daddy.
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You want to get me something for my car, get me a beer organizer.
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How many massacres have started with surprise?
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Pearl Harbor? The tent offensive? My uncle's 50th birthday party?
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I was there, man. How many more have to die?
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It's coming. We bloody hide. Surprise. Oh, you guys. Oh, great. Happy birthday, Kathy. You vile,
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wretched nasty, shrewish cloned. You twisted a hag. You wicked witch of the...
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ran out of cake. That's why I didn't get to love Aaron. Well, I think he loves Aaron as implied in twisted hag.
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Okay, now it is just a harmless cake. I wouldn't eat that.
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Do you want something nice for Dad's fiancee? He's going to pay off big for us.
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How? Don't you know I know what I'm doing when I go.
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The more we hate Kathy, the more Dad likes her. So we will start liking her. So Dad will hate her. Just to prove us wrong.
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For liking her. And then I will unleash my lizard man upon the earth. Dad and Kathy will break up. The lizard thing was the cat's idea.
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Surprise! Oh, good, you're here. The rest of my stuff is outside. Get moving.
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What? And don't scratch my truck. I thought we would give him Kathy a surprise party. Yeah, she's moving in and you're doing it. Surprise!
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Well, uh, uh, okay, Dad. We'll move her in. No, we won't. Yes, we will. Honey, it's a good idea. No, we won't. Honey, it's a brand idea. Honey, it is man time now.
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If you smoked and dragged, this would be a perfect moment. No, see my man outside. Hold on, Dad. I'll be right back.
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Man time, I know what you're talking about. Okay, okay, okay. I know what you're going to say. You're going to tell me that.
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Oh! Oh, there's a slip of yonder my keys!
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I will rip your eyelid. Oh, I need my eyelid to tell you my plan! Why? Because it's so devious, I have to wink!
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The Sun rises, the earth rotates, dad screws up relationships. Women love them. And they live with them.
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Then they load them and they litigate
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Let's use the destructive relationship flash cards. You say it
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Fire and heaven is a little off because tonight it's missing its most beautiful angel
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Beautiful angel
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Most beautiful angel
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Who the hell's my dinner? You're worse than the last one You're worse than the last one You ain't even with my eight track, duck boy You ain't even with my cassette deck, duck boy
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You ain't even with my CD player Yeah Why are we gotta say duck boy?
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You'll turn his DVS evil surprise party into our DVS evil moving her in part
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Ooh You even make DVS sexy This goes in the kitchen
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Well, it looks like you're having a party which I wasn't invited to how awkward Tommy we are not having a party we are moving in nurse for a two Can I help you move?
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Your life is as empty as a big black hole, huh?
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Remember that time in your life when you felt like you didn't belong and nobody liked you?
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Me neither, but Tommy told me how horrible that is. I didn't talk to him.
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He was on the machine. I didn't pick up because it's Tom. Happy birthday Uncle Ray. Well, it's like you're having a party which I wasn't invited to how awkward don't step in the blood
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Oh, your father's gonna love this Oh, look this two of them
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She's already cleaning, huh? These belong in the closet at your house I gotta go get some beer
48
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Whoa whoa whoa whoa hold up. You're not gonna help. I got a heart thing Titus bedroom, okay? Why are you hump standing around? Hey, we're not humps and even if we were that's what humps do they stand around? I will not argue with a hump
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She's right. What? New plan. I shall replace dead manly decor with Kathy's girly things. Thus causing dead to move her out Did Lucy and Ethel ever have a better plan?
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Wow, it looks so wonderful and we really should get rid of this horrible ester that is an affront of cigarettes
51
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Help me later
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That is the first time I've left with you and not at you
53
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We just want you to feel at home. Well, I do I've missed Judges do all I thought you hated me Can we start over? I think we've already begun starting over you guys are being so nice and since I'm gonna be a part of your father's life, which makes me part of your life I hope I can give you what your other mother's couldn't Kathy will be my son
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Next mother, which means here comes the I hope I can give you what your other mother's couldn't speak
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Okay, Kathy
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Show me what you got
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I want you to know I'm on your side she's on my side
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Work for step mom number two and four not today
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I know I can't be your mom, but I'd like to be your friend
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She can't be my mom, but she'd like to be my friend. Oh
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My real mom said that
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Because you are such an upstanding young man at least that's what your dad says what?
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Dad said that
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Dad told me not to tell you this but he thinks it's great that you own your own shop
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Great great that's the word he used great
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Actually, he said it was amazing amazing amazing my dad said I was amazing. He can't believe you are further along in your career than he was at your age amazing my dad said that yes and Dave
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He's amazed you even have a paying job
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Why can't he say good stuff like that to my face
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Yeah, Dave. Tell me a more about the amazing part. Oh, do you make tacos?
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On the on taco night, I guess deep breaths
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Shouldn't we get back to making Kathy feel more at home? Hey, hey, wouldn't Doyle's look amazing on that table. Well, well, hold up honey Kathy don't move any more dad's stuff
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We've wronged you Chris for the joylies would be wonderful. No no Doyle's would rip you from our lives You mean all this was too we're sorry Your father also said that you were honest You're gonna have to back off this a little bit okay
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Guys put it back the way it was after that I need two strong boys to help me clear out the bedroom so I can clean for dust mites Oh, oh pick me
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If we finish can tonight be taco night we'll see
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Deep breaths
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Did you eat any of that cake
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She's like a mouse underhanded manipulative and pure evil she's like my mom in my life
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I've had to look past people's problems because I was raised by people with problems
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And I don't mean mommy's locked her keys in the car problems. I mean mommy is
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Problems
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Oh, it's three o'clock Mom a teacher gaming F Christopher what me to stab her in the face?
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No, just sign up there
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Thank you. I love you mom
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Okay, that's it. Thanks boys now I can start cleaning Dave's room. Do you need some help mom
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No, I'm done with you It's locked Kathy locked the door but all her stuff is out here. That's your stuff. That is my stuff. She locked the door. It is locked and that's your stuff and the door's locked Guys You actually thought you could beat a woman that can handle your father
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You are amazing
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Looks like she's back to laugh and at you
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I wish my real mom was here to stab her in the face
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That's my stuff and the door is locked. We know it is locked Dave
90
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Somebody scuff my fender. What's all this junk doing all over my yard? That's my stuff. Dave. I swear to God Dad I need to tell you something about your new woman talk O night is a tasty corn shell full of lies Dave Dad Dave got moved up by that that that that truly
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Haggist Twister honey. Be sure I'll take how you let her trick you like that she said that you said that you thought I was amazing That vicious lying bitch
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The thief from the good to bad in the ugly
93
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Wow
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Let me get something straight you trick my boys in the moving your stuff in and Dave stuff out and then you told them I was proud of them
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Yes, Kenny I did that you are my best friend surprise
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Hey hey hey hey every man remembers the day he left the nest and went out into the world on his own well I don't remember because I was wasted
97
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Dude keep it down I dead sleep it
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Sleep it
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Rock off
100
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It was surprise yourself. I knew what you were doing I play in this plan getting Dave kicked out
101
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No
102
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Son of a bitch caught me again you I'm homeless what don't I count what yeah, yeah what
103
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What am I supposed to do you took away my dad and my room?
104
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Which was right beside my dad
105
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He's my dad too. Oh, you know what you just gave you life. I picked him. He's my dad you you're just a son
106
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This right here is a ball of the day
107
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What difference doesn't make who came first or who stayed the longest for who the real son is we all love each other we are a family some of us aren't invited to parties, but that's another issue The important thing isn't injustice has been done to your brother. Well, he's not your brother. You're step brother. Well, I don't know your sometimes brother. Oh, don't talk about it cuz it just confuses me you don't interrupt me because I am gonna figure out
108
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This I'm scared of Ken Titus I served overseas I'm using the piece score for six days it's amazing in certain languages how close the word princess and pig who rooch and dumb are
109
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I can You got the like count to three
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One the presence inside to the receipts in the box and three Titus wants to talk to you a great party
111
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Get the hell up my truck
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Now listen you got ten minutes to finish this yard sailor. I'm having a cookout
113
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You care more about that truck than you do your own son my truck doesn't drink from the milk cart my truck doesn't leave dirty dishes in the sink and my truck doesn't stand in my way when I want to get naked with my fox a lady
114
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So can't get those sticks ready
115
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You're a coward
116
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Really, yeah, you let a woman move day out and you're doing nothing about that's not cowardice. That's blind luck
117
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We're Steve gonna live now. Why didn't you live with you? Don't change the subject. What's the subject? We're Dave gonna live with you. You're a coward don't change the subject. Oh
118
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No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, wait, let me think about Dave moving in no
119
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Dave when you gonna move out after the harvest no
120
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structure his
121
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Well, this is gonna be great me my big brother and our girlfriend
122
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You do not want to live with us. Yes, I do
123
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No, you can't live with us sure again, man my stuff's right here. So halfway your house. No, I understand you're able to live with us, but you can't live with us. Try to stop hiding behind some antics Dave. No live with us Oh Oh You know Dave the bad thing is I screwed up and got you moved out
124
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Hey, but the good thing is I screwed up and got you moved out Oh Paradox Continue 25 years old and frankly I have to admit that I'm embarrassed to tell people my 25-year-old brother lives with his daddy a daddy. He can't stand up to it's not very nice. Well, it's a truth It's time you became a man, but if you're not up to that I can go knock on that door and big daddy to let you come home and live again, but I'm not gonna do that
125
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Because I see a real man standing in front of me. I am a man a man that does not live with his brother. Hell, yes, and a man's got to do what a man's got to do that's what I'm gonna do. It's right when you're gonna do it now
126
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:30,960
Yeah, because the world's out there and who's a real man? Oh, yeah, then get to it all right
127
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I should trust when you say it I'm a man
128
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What they need to wait I'm saying it dad, baby you you standing up to his truck
129
00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:12,520
Stop do you
130
00:21:12,700 --> 00:21:13,020
Surprise
131
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And no one will family, surprise means presence, cake, and a party.
132
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My family surprise means a homelessness,
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a band in mint, and destruction of private property.
134
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Sometimes we have cake.
135
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We're not losers.
136
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APPLAUSE
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I'm the funny one.
138
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No, I'm the funny one.
139
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No, I'm the funny one.
140
00:22:18,980 --> 00:22:19,440
I'm the funny one.
16389
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