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1
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I gave my father a heart attack.
2
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It was a practical joke!
3
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Come on, you push her!
4
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Guys, face in a cake.
5
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He's got a cleanest face.
6
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He hit a guy with a watered balloon.
7
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He's got a dry off.
8
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You guys in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved.
9
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He scratches and bleeds for a week.
10
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:21,720
It's funny.
11
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He's not supposed to have a heart attack.
12
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It kills the joke.
13
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:31,000
Where?
14
00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:34,720
Oh my God, we just got the nurse to shave his sack.
15
00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:37,600
It's a classic. It's no reason to get mad and have a heart attack.
16
00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:39,220
Who got?
17
00:00:40,180 --> 00:00:40,780
What did we do?
18
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We?
19
00:00:43,900 --> 00:00:46,220
My dad has all I've ever had.
20
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When I was three and four, my mom used to take me to bars with her.
21
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I understand why.
22
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Baby said her cost I could beer beer in a half an hour.
23
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I mean, run up to the bar and get mommy some more.
24
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Mommy, James. James, one need a. This is not place for a kid. Sam, give me one to go. Keep this down low. I'm driving. Happy Mother's Day, one need a.
25
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Love, love, love. In a heinous world, we're bad things happen. You need to be protected by someone bad and heinous. I call him daddy.
26
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But I'm daddy.
27
00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:35,700
Dad's finally Reddit and talk to you. Really? Think God. – No way.
28
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Okay, no.
29
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Dad. I know I almost killed you,
30
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and I've been thinking about it all week. I'm worthless. You think you're disappointed in me
31
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I can't believe me.
32
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And I know what you're gonna say.
33
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I wish you were still in my lines.
34
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I wish you'd never grown in your mother's womb.
35
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You should have been fetal research.
36
00:02:05,020 --> 00:02:07,560
You're dead to me.
37
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Dead.
38
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Clear?
39
00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:53,140
I hear a voice. Could that be my deceased brother? I feel a presence. Open the door right now.
40
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Titus, if you're still with us, give me a sign.
41
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Would pushing your nose bone into your brain be considered a sign?
42
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Ooh, you're fading. I'm losing you.
43
00:03:06,580 --> 00:03:08,460
You want to miss you? Say hi to Hendrix.
44
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Can't I'm a slewable?
45
00:03:18,020 --> 00:03:19,460
Oh, happy, happy cane.
46
00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:49,140
We have a back door idiot. Think. We still have a back door idiot. Think. Where's Dad? Dad? Give me your keys. Get the hell out of my house. Dad, come on. I clean the gutters. I detailed your car. I'm making payments on your bar tab.
47
00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:58,500
I even hired you a private nurse. I wish you wouldn't have needed if you hadn't tried to kill him. Good one, favorite son.
48
00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:08,340
Thank you, favorite father. Well, is he aware that you were party to the shaving of the favorite testicles?
49
00:04:11,140 --> 00:04:12,960
Why can't he just be more like me, huh?
50
00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:17,140
Come on, Dad. It was just a joke.
51
00:04:17,220 --> 00:04:25,700
Ah-ha, Jesus was laughing when I went into the light. He was laughing because you were trying to get into heaven.
52
00:04:27,940 --> 00:04:42,980
I don't like fighting with my dad because I love him and he always wins. Your son's been suspended for three days. He was punching a kid repeatedly in the stomach.
53
00:04:43,220 --> 00:04:50,860
I'll take care of him. Thank you. Punching a kid in the stomach? What did I always tell you? Go for the eyes.
54
00:04:51,180 --> 00:04:55,720
I know. Let's get an eyes out of it. We've got three days to work on the eagle claw.
55
00:04:56,620 --> 00:05:08,400
Ooh, yeah, yeah. Thanks, Daddy. I love you. I love you too, slugger. Get out. Make me. Oh, I'll make you. Oh, yeah.
56
00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:39,040
The student has now become the master. Come on. Come on. Ow. What are you doing to my heart patients? He started it. And I'm finishing it. If I let go of you, give. I'll leave my heart patient alone. Deal? And you were not to speak to him anymore. I could have taken him. Are you talking? Hmm? Because I'm fine with you dying. The murderer has paid me through the end of the week. Whoa. Oh.
57
00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:43,620
I'm not a good murderer. And I would have played it down to Man's side. You don't even know the law, Lee.
58
00:05:44,620 --> 00:05:52,880
It's against the law to kill your father. Me, to the, to the, to him. The cigarette. For 30 years. I had a goldfish that died a second-hand smoke.
59
00:05:56,000 --> 00:06:02,340
30 years. Isn't that how long you've been around? Oh, good one.
60
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The damage I have caused to my father's health can no longer be described in words. Instead, I choose interpretive dance.
61
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I am cancer. I am second-hand smoke. I am a damage loan. I am a fatty deposit in a pulmonary artery.
62
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I am Christopher. The son from which all disease spraying. Say if you want, but he's not talking to you.
63
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Five. What? Five.
64
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Five. Five. I'm dead, you. Who cares? I'm in dead inside my whole life, because of you. I'm having dreams that I was dead to you. So I can go into the world free of all the emotional baggage that you brought into my life. O, man!
65
00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:12,880
Oh, come on.
66
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Oh, get it.
67
00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:23,200
Oh, my God. You're in the house.
68
00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:25,020
Oh, you got back in his good grace.
69
00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:29,160
Yay, see. Everyone's here. Everyone's happy.
70
00:07:30,460 --> 00:07:31,580
No one's talking, but me.
71
00:07:33,820 --> 00:07:36,000
What's wrong? It seems I was conceived.
72
00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:36,880
Amen.
73
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Shut up. Get out.
74
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How can I help him? Just calm down. I can help my bloods and food. Mr. Titus, I have your meals on wheels. The meal, Vag heels. Would you bring me fruit? No, no, too much sugar and fruit. No, I'm calling you a fruit.
75
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:03,540
Screwed up people's settle fights with violence. That can escalate to a war that kills millions.
76
00:08:04,660 --> 00:08:08,380
Normal people's settle fights with cookies, pies, and cakes.
77
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Normal people are fat.
78
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:21,700
Shut up, guys. Dave, Christopher. Come on. Let's talk about it. I've got cookies. He's got cookies.
79
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Oh, go get it.
80
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I'm on the fried chicken. And I'll be for I give this to you. I want you to forgive Christopher.
81
00:08:32,180 --> 00:08:44,040
Huh? Bon appetit. You know, I didn't want to have to do this. Mr. Titus. My son came home just the other.
82
00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:51,620
So much like a man I just had to say, son, I'm proud of you. Could you sit for a while? Get the hell up.
83
00:08:55,000 --> 00:09:08,560
Oh, oh. That did it. You can't eat that. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, you don't spit it out. Spit it.
84
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:25,640
Oh, no. Oh, oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh. Oh, oh. Ha. Ha. You're reading this. Oh, come on.
85
00:09:25,860 --> 00:09:28,160
I've got to have something with some flavor. All righty.
86
00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:33,260
I'll smear garlic butter on the roof of your coffin. It's with marshmallow and the jello.
87
00:09:34,020 --> 00:09:34,460
Jell-o!
88
00:09:36,140 --> 00:09:36,700
Oh, my!
89
00:09:37,580 --> 00:09:38,420
Oh, my!
90
00:09:38,420 --> 00:09:39,800
Oh, my!
91
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:41,580
Eat a prune!
92
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All right, hate prune!
93
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Eat it!
94
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It'll loosen your stool.
95
00:09:46,940 --> 00:09:47,460
Hey, Dad.
96
00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:50,400
I can end this health for you, because I hired that.
97
00:09:51,500 --> 00:09:52,900
All you gotta say is, I love you, son.
98
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:55,820
And I forgive you, and I'll make sure your swimming
99
00:09:55,820 --> 00:09:59,620
and be your battered, fried beer with a cheese
100
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:00,380
chaser back.
101
00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:07,880
I'll never do that! Come on, Dad. Mom's trying to kill you way more times than I have.
102
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:21,420
All right. You know, you taught me everything I needed to know to be a man, but how come you always feel like a little kid?
103
00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:30,240
I am sorry for all the crap and pain I have caused you. I just want to be your son again.
104
00:10:31,940 --> 00:10:37,560
That was quite a speech. Damn. And me with my Academy Award and my other uniform.
105
00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:52,200
You're still dead. I'm none of his friends ever told me it's such an odd-shaped head.
106
00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:06,900
Life's a savor little bear. Dad says I'm dead to him. So it's got worse. Oh, oh. Did I tell you it was going to get worse? I guess so.
107
00:11:07,220 --> 00:11:20,900
You can fix it. You can. And are you finally ready for me to fix it? Yes, I'm ready. All right, sweetie. All right. Thank you, honey. What did you do to your hair?
108
00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:36,040
It looks good. Since we've been together, Erin is like the secret weapon that I use against Dad. Let me put it to you like this. She's like the secret weapon.
109
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:49,720
That I use against Dad. There's Kathy. Erin, no visitors. Hag blonde. Natural.
110
00:11:54,780 --> 00:12:01,560
Hey, don't start with me. I am not changing my mind about this. You're here, looks great.
111
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:12,020
He tried to kill me. Whatever you have to do to forgive him, do it now. All right. Painting.
112
00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:15,980
Yes, I know. Christopher, come here.
113
00:12:20,260 --> 00:12:23,160
Yes, father.
114
00:12:24,980 --> 00:12:54,180
You're forgiven. I'm alive. All right. Welcome back. Oh, oh. Quick being a wussy. Wussy. You can hang it around Dad too long. No, you've been around him too long. You agitated him. I let him punch me in the face. I'm his safe place. You pissed him off all your life. I'm
115
00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:56,820
You ruined his TR3 when you were 17.
116
00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:58,940
She burned down his boat when you were 12.
117
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:00,900
You blew up the garage when you were nine.
118
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:02,860
I was 11.
119
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:05,940
And how do you know all this?
120
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:08,520
Your father's very chaddy after sex.
121
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:30,760
After sex, you have been sexing my father ahead and he's chaddy after sex.
122
00:13:31,700 --> 00:13:32,800
Sometimes during.
123
00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:37,240
Here's some rubbing alcohol.
124
00:13:37,300 --> 00:13:38,380
Oh, poured in my eyes.
125
00:13:40,740 --> 00:13:40,980
What?
126
00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:43,460
The nurse and dad are having sex.
127
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:48,720
Mr. Titus wants some salt, but I think I can sneak some Mrs. Dashbine.
128
00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:50,940
Papa Titus and the nurse are having sex.
129
00:13:51,200 --> 00:14:10,260
Tommy! Tommy! Now that is Jello with a capital O. Mr. Titus and the nurse are having sex. Wow. How would he explain the sounds of dad and the nurse having sex?
130
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:18,260
You're supposed to nurse him back to health. And I'd say I've done a hell of a job.
131
00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:27,080
Oh, nurses are supposed to make people sick. You're just jealous because I've got it all and you live with that.
132
00:14:27,980 --> 00:14:40,180
Oh, that? That? Oh, I got this. This is not that. You're that. You wish that you were that. I mean, this.
133
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:47,020
Oh, I mean, this. Stop it. We've all just got some shocking news and we're all a little raw. More than a little horrified.
134
00:14:51,340 --> 00:14:51,860
Banana.
135
00:14:57,280 --> 00:15:02,060
Nurse, you're supposed to be sterile and clean and having sex with my dad.
136
00:15:03,020 --> 00:15:03,180
Dirty.
137
00:15:04,380 --> 00:15:07,900
It's not just sex. I love him.
138
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:32,980
I love him. I love him. People laugh at what they don't understand. No, no, no. No, we get it and it's a lary. Because every woman that falls in love with my dad ends up trying to kill him. What's funny about that?
139
00:15:33,780 --> 00:15:35,960
Laughter, absolute terror, fine line.
140
00:15:39,140 --> 00:15:45,880
A black widow loves her mate and kills him. A pre-inmedus loves her mate. Then eat some.
141
00:15:46,660 --> 00:15:50,040
Women love my dad. But he's too big to eat.
142
00:15:52,240 --> 00:16:00,520
Dad had a little tax problem. He dated an IRS agent. So you still look fat in those pants.
143
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:11,060
He's. He's got out of hand. He met Officer Lindley. Of course I slept with the stewardess. How do you think I got us pumped to first part?
144
00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:21,280
But sometimes, dad was just dad. You want to hit me if you didn't have that lazy eye?
145
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:34,680
Dad, dad, dad, dad. Does anyone could kill you and make it look like an act of God? Come on. Come on.
146
00:16:34,740 --> 00:16:40,940
And the corner's going to cut you up and all they're going to find is a diseased heart damaged lungs and a rotting liver and they're going to think that killed you.
147
00:16:42,860 --> 00:16:49,740
Mr. Titus, what Christopher is trying to say is we all know about your little Teteht with nurse Kathy. Why is he always talking in some kind of gay co.
148
00:16:51,980 --> 00:16:59,480
I am not gay. And they don't have a code. How would you know that if you're not gay? I am not gay.
149
00:17:02,860 --> 00:17:03,820
I'm going to help the girls in the kitchen.
150
00:17:12,420 --> 00:17:16,320
Dad, look, look, look. I know you're having a blast and I understand the whole freaky nurse uniform thing.
151
00:17:16,580 --> 00:17:24,820
But there's a woman in the kitchen that's saying that she's in love with you. Well, I'm in the living room saying I'm in love with her, too.
152
00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:29,320
No, dad, no, dad. No, dad, no, dad, no, dad, no, dad.
153
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:36,340
You're not thinking straight, okay? It's a classic heart attack rebound. Yeah, it's the Anjana talking. It talks.
154
00:17:36,740 --> 00:18:05,720
And Jaina. Now you listen to me, what's he going? I have managed to date hundreds of women and marry five of them without any help from you. Yeah, and then those women are here right now and five of them own half your stuff, which is five has, which is two and a half whole stuff that you can have, which if you had their stuff, then you can have.
155
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:09,900
Which if you had that stuff right now, well, you'd have three times as much stuff.
156
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:18,700
Dad, look, I care about you, okay?
157
00:18:19,380 --> 00:18:23,420
Hey, look, some people look good at drinking and sleeping around and hey, you're one of those people.
158
00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:29,180
And some people are good at lasting healthy relationships and you've never even met one of those people.
159
00:18:29,740 --> 00:18:39,820
Dad, yeah, I suck at ice skating. So I skateboard. You suck at love, so you need to have sexual strangers. Lots of them. And skate on.
160
00:18:42,260 --> 00:18:49,080
Dad, you love living your hollow empty life, you know, you don't want to drag someone you care about into that?
161
00:18:50,380 --> 00:18:56,720
No, I don't. See, you don't. You gotta ask yourself, can I change?
162
00:18:58,300 --> 00:19:06,940
I don't know. I don't know exactly. So you can't do this to another woman, Dad.
163
00:19:08,140 --> 00:19:09,740
You're good, right? Cat?
164
00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:14,440
I can be death. I can take on a little nurse.
165
00:19:17,420 --> 00:19:18,460
What is it to you, Puy?
166
00:19:20,620 --> 00:19:24,720
Cat, Christopher is right about me. This is the hardest part of any relationship.
167
00:19:25,740 --> 00:19:53,660
Never easy. I mean, we've known each other for what? Nine days? Nine days. It isn't right. You shouldn't be here. Like this? Like this, not right. So, will you marry me? Yes, no! I'm not even dead. Good job. Did you know what I just said? It's important I get it right this time after you screw things up with Aaron, you'll understand. I am not going to screw things up with Aaron, because I don't marry everyone I have sex with. Excuse me?
168
00:19:54,740 --> 00:20:00,100
I mean, I don't see you see. You're screwing it up right now. Dad.
169
00:20:00,100 --> 00:20:02,760
You have no intention of marrying me? No, I'll marry you.
170
00:20:02,780 --> 00:20:08,400
Oh, nice. You sound so excited about it. Honey, can I stop this man from making his six from staying before you and I talk about our first?
171
00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:17,580
I'm not going to say that. Marriage! I love you. Dad! They say this six times the charm, kitty cat.
172
00:20:17,980 --> 00:20:22,240
Ah! No, you're fired. I am not paying you $150 a day to sleep with my father.
173
00:20:22,740 --> 00:20:52,640
He's not a bad price, you know, by the hour. You talk about your future mother like that? I just... She is talking about our future mother. Yes. Listen! You interfering on grief, little loser. First, you try to kill the man. Now you tell him not to grasp the one chance of happiness he has left me. Can't you see how happy he is? Can't you see where perfect for each other? No, get out of here!
174
00:20:53,200 --> 00:21:05,940
Before you agitate him! Me? You're the one having sex with him. You're agitating him. That's what you know. I'm always on top.
175
00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:14,380
Dad, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
176
00:21:14,380 --> 00:21:19,780
Look at me! I'm a cowboy!
177
00:21:22,740 --> 00:21:37,340
I gave my father a heart attack. And the memory of what I did is burned in my brain. Like the bomb going off over Hiroshima or the Hindenburg explosion. End.
178
00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:47,080
Oh, the humanity. I can still see it!
179
00:22:22,740 --> 00:22:26,000
I'm the funny one. No, I'm the funny one. No, I'm the funny one. I'm the funny one. Okay.
19436
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