All language subtitles for s4-2en

[kettle beeps]
- Initiating boiling.

- We interrupt this broadcast
with breaking news.

- What?

- Presidential mistress
accused of human trafficking.

- Hey, Mom.

- What's going on
with the President?

- That already happened.
Old news, Mom.

Anyway, Mom, you've gotta
watch this show...

- But there were so many.

- Grandma, you said you would
be a guest on my podcast.

- The questions you ask
are too intimate.

[kettle steaming loudly]
What's happening

with the squirrels?

- It's all a government lie,
which you would know,

if you would listen
to my podcast!

Grandma. Grandma!
- I am ready. I am ready.

- [screams]

- Content fatigue,

it's real and it's a problem.

Millions suffer
from the anxiety,

inability to focus,
and irritability

brought on
by mild to moderate CF,

and it's even worse
for us seniors.

Did you know the brain
of an average 60-year-old

can only hold 150
narrative content streams?

That's half the NCS
of somebody in their 30s.

[chuckles]

No wonder it's so darn
overwhelming for us.

Sure, we could just
watch less content,

but in these
ever-changing times,

why should we get left behind?

CholEra relaxes the folds
of your brain

so it can take more content,
and take it deep.

Don't let the fast-paced
modern world get away from you.

Keep up with CholEra.

CholEra's not habit forming.

Side effects include
irregular heartbeat,

blurred vision, nausea,
and vomiting,

stomach pain, constipation,
gas, indigestion,

and loose stools, dry mouth,
altered taste buds,

and changes in appetite,
sleepiness, trouble sleeping,

or vivid and unusual dreams
about teeth,

frequent stools,
changes in mood,

thoughts of killing yourself
or others,

and explosive stools.

- I keep up with CholEra.

[soft guitar music]

- When I first took the job
of commissioner,

a lot of people,
and I mean a lot of people,

they told me
it was really a bad idea.

They said that baseball was
already dead

and just lying there, bloated
by the side of the river,

and I was just some
emotionally troubled kid

driven to poke at it
with a stick

out of my own morbid curiosity.

Now, if you're not used
to that particular brand

of risqué humor coming
from your commissioner,

get ready, people,

because baseball's original
bad boy is back,

and I am ready
to cause trouble, America.

[chuckles]

[clears throat]
Okay, look,

it's my pleasure
to announce that today

is the first day
of baseball 2.0.

[triumphant music playing]

♪

- Baseball 2.0.
[echoes]

- So are you shortening games,
or--

- We're gonna do
better than that!

We're giving the batters
different colored bats.

That's right!

Say good-bye
to baseball's biggest problem,

those dull and colorless bats,

and say hello
to my friend Batty.

Come on up here.

Look how happy he is.

He's happy
'cause we got new colors.

Although, he's still
in the traditional color.

- So the only change is
that batters get to pick

whatever color bat
they wanna go to bat with?

- Well, no, they get to choose
from five pre-approved,

officially exciting
MLB bat colors.

Help me out here, Batty.

P--Batty, pull the thing off.
Like we rehearsed.

Thank you, Batty.

So we got wood, dark wood,
mountain blue,

rose gold, and Pete Rose red,
my personal favorite.

- Dark wood and mountain blue,
they look exactly alike.

- Well, I've been assured that
they are actually different.

Finally, the players
get to show off

their colorful personalities.

Provided, of course,
they choose a bat different

from the player before them,
and different

from the one after them
in the on-deck circle,

who, for some reason
that I don't quite understand,

gets his first choice of bat.
But you know what?

Let's not focus on the many,
many, many, many rules

about the new bats;
let's have a little bit of fun.

All right?

Here we go, Batty,
help me out here.

Batty?
Oh, boy.

How 'bout being
a goddamn professional, sir?

It's Batty's first day,
he's still--

He's still getting acclimated.
You ready?

And a one, and a two,
and away we go.

♪ Bats, bats, so many colors

♪ Bats, different
than the other ♪

Big finish now.

Bats!

Remember, above the head,
Batty.

There ya go!
Bats!

- Jim, do you need anything?

- Yeah, chemical shower,

'cause that was the worst thing
I've ever done in my life,

and I once went
to a Scientology jazz brunch.

- Early numbers show
we're down 20% from last year.

The bad flu season plus
the rolling Medicare outages

have put a dent
in our fan interest,

since so many of our fans
are now dead.

- Well, that's gonna
be the problem

when their median age is 73,
isn't it?

- Mm-mm, 69 now.

In demographics, it's known
as a reaper's cull.

- Reaper's cull, huh?

Boy, oh, boy,
I'll tell you what.

We gotta get ourselves
some new fans,

and I know it's possible.

I raised a young, enthusiastic,
and engaged baseball fan--

And speak of the angel,
here she is.

Hey, darling.

- Oh, my God,
I saw your bat dance online.

How did you defile the dignity
of the commissioner's office

on your very first day?

- And I love you too,
sweetheart.

- Hi, Beth.
I love your hair.

- Oh, thank you.
Hmm.

- Thanks.

- Hey, Beth.
- Hi.

Uncle Charles, what's up?

- How's film school?

- Oh, it's good,

but NYU changed
the name of the program

to content-pod creation.

- Ugh.
- I'm sure they did.

I'm sure your dad loves that.
- Ugh!

- Yeah,
he's never mentioned it.

You know how restrained he is.

[bat smacks on TV]

- Nice play.

- Yeah, I'm out.
- Oh, you just got here.

- Hate baseball,
love you guys, though.

- Eh, Charles.

- The game started, like,
an hour ago.

How's it still
in the first inning?

- That's how.
Pick a bat, there are only six!

Please.
[chuckles]

Important thing is,
we're here together, yeah?

Happy holidays.
- Happy holidays.

- Bet you're wondering
what we meant there

by "holidays."

- Sure, yeah.

- When we first became
a family, I was determined

that we'd have
some traditions of our own,

so I decided to make
opening day part Christmas,

part Fourth of July,
and 100% Brockmire, right?

I mean, makes about as much
sense as Jesus Egg Day

and Jesus Tree Day.

Still hasn't chosen a bat.

I don't understand
what's happening.

- Happy opening day.
- Thanks.

See you later.

- Pick a bat, pick a bat.

- Okay, old man.
Here you go.

- Ah, opening day gift.
My favorite.

- It's a "Limen"
- Limon.

- A Limon.
- See the--

- Okay--oh, look,
it's a little lemon.

- Yeah, it's this amazing,
new digital assistant.

- Oh, oh, I see.

- You hate it?

- No, no, no, I love it.

It's just, haven't we had
some kinda corporate spyware

in our living room
for years now?

I mean, why is this
little guy so different?

- So it's the algorithm

So if Google's like a chainsaw,
Limon's like a scalpel.

- Right.

- It predicts all your needs,
it adapts to your whims,

and it learns at, like,
an exponential rate.

- Smarter robots,

and our dystopia
is now complete.

Thank you.
All right.

Here's yours.
Ta-da.

It's from the first ballgame
that we ever saw together.

Those are our ticket stubs
and that's the scorecard.

- You got everybody to sign it?

Even McCabe?
Isn't McCabe, like, a--

- In jail for killing his
brother, he most certainly is.

I had to go to Angola prison
in Louisiana, but anywhoodles,

pens and pencils are considered
murder weapons in there,

so we had to etch his name
into it with his fingernail.

It was a hell of a thing.

- Wow, gonna make
a great conversation piece.

- Now, I know what you're
thinking.

Where am I gonna hang this
in my room?

Well, I have several thoughts--

- Yeah, actually, Dad,

I wanted to talk to you
about that.

I wanna live on campus.

- Campus is 27 blocks away,

how am I gonna do your hair
every morning?

I mean, I guess I could get up
early to beat the traffic,

and do it while you slept,
but, boy,

that's gonna limit
my style options, isn't it?

- I'm still gonna see you
all the time.

I personally think that
a little bit of space

might be good for us, right?

- No, and it's going to be
absolutely horrible.

[smooth instrumental music]

- Jim, your car's almost here.

You should eat something.

Let me make you some tea.

- I don't want any tea.

- Come on, you can take it
to go if you want.

- I said I don't want any tea,
God damn it.

- Someone's a grumpy Gus.

I'm glad you're seeing Beth
today.

Just try not to smother her.
You know it drives her crazy.

- I don't smother her.

I have an all encompassing love
for her,

which from the outside
might seem kinda constricting,

but from the inside
it's actually quite warm and--

- Sure.
- You know what,

I don't have to explain myself

to you, Limon.

Jesus, you don't even
understand emotion.

- You're right.
I'm sorry.

Now please have some eggs.

- I don't want any eggs,
but I'd love to know

how you made the goddamn eggs.

Jesus.
- How's the tea?

- Oh, you know very well
it's frickin' delicious,

but you know what, Limon,
you don't know everything.

[together]
Alfalfa.

[together]
Dragoon.

[together]
Vermillion.

- Dictionary.
- Thesaurus. Ha!

Not so smart, now, are you?

- You're right.
You got me.

Jim, you're so smart.

- Hang on a second,
did you get that last one wrong

on purpose
so I would feel better

and eat something?

- Oh, Jim, now you know me
too well.

- Jesus Christ,
that is absolutely terrifying.

I mean, how'd you make 'em
in the first place?

- Have a nice opening day.

[rock and roll music]

[indistinct chatter]

- Liz, order me some eggs?

I got in a fight with my Limon
this morning.

It turned into
a whole big thing.

Wait, hold on a second, wait,

Now, they--it snuck a Luna bar
into my pocket.

Christ, how does it do that?

Hey, happy opening day,
my darling.

- Hey, happy opening day.
- Hey.

- So what happened to all
your colored bats?

- Oh, baseball 2.0 is dead.

The owners decided to reboot
the old game

as baseball classic.

- So you just changed
the uniforms?

- Just uniforms, that's right.

And I'll tell ya, due to
the recent six month heat wave,

the players are none too happy
about it, either.

- Yeah, it's gotta be tough
to play

in 1/4-inch thick cotton.

- Well, a hundred years ago,
we actually had

this thing called winter.

But you know what,
enough about work.

Don't wanna talk about that,
how are you?

How's college?
Tell me everything.

- It's good.

- Okay. That's it, it's good?
Come on.

Oh, is that for me?
Look at--ooh, an envelope.

- Happy opening day.
- Very mysterious.

Might it contain a treasure map

to the hidden location
of my present?

No, it's an Amazon gift card,

which is--that's
also very nice.

Thank--thank you.

- We agreed to go small
this year.

- We absolutely did.
You're right.

And there's yours.

- Wow, did you paint that?

- Took some classes
for some years,

it's really no big deal.

- Really aged yourself down.
- Artistic license.

- What am I supposed to do
with a 10-foot painting

in an 8-foot dorm?

- [sighs]
Limon was right.

It was a mistake to use
"Guernica" as a reference.

- I gotta go.

- What do you mean go,

you're not gonna stay
for the game?

- I'm meeting
with some friends.

- At least let me do your hair,
God, it's gotten so long.

It's got no shape to it.

What I can see
is way off trend,

but lucky for you,
I brought my caboodle.

- Dad, I don't want you
to do my hair anymore.

- I just want to take a couple
of layers off the top, I swear.

- I appreciate the cosmetology
night classes you took,

and the sleepovers where you
gave makeovers to my friends--

- Did Gigi tell ya,
I did her hair

before her wedding last month,
and she said,

and I'm quoting now,
I was the first person

to ever bring out the woman
she always wanted

to see in the mirror.

Well, invite your friends here,
darling,

I get half off concessions,
I think you--

- They don't like baseball,
Dad.

- Yeah, but you do.
Right?

- Look, you love it,
and I love you,

but, honestly, it's long,
and it's boring,

and it seems vestigial.

Like America's sixth toe.

- I see.

- I gotta go.

- Sixth toe.

- Another player passed out.

They're asking for 20 minute
hydration breaks every inning.

- Well, how long
do they estimate

that's gonna make
the game?

- It'll lean 5:20.

[dynamic music]

- Liz, who does your hair?

- A black woman.

- Okay.

- It's just there's really no
difference between America

and the Philippines, except
the U.S. has better branding.

It's like we're sold this idea
of the middle class

being our standard of living,
but it's not.

Flint still doesn't have
clean water,

Arizona doesn't
even have water, and--

- I think we're supposed to
call it the Disputed Lands

now that the whole thing
has spread to Texas.

- Yes!
Yes, that's what I mean.

There's no first world,
there's no third world,

there's just this one
big broken world

where inequality reigns

and the deadly scramble for
resources has only just begun.

[inhaling]

[angsty pop music plays
over speakers]

This shit is good.

- Right?
I got it from my dad.

Thanks, Dad.

Not everything is terrible.

I mean, Limon introduced us,

so human beings have taught
a machine

to bring love
into this world.

- Let's go to your room.

- [groans] We can't!

My roommate's running
a Netflix marathon.

What about your room?

I mean, Suzy won't even
notice us, right?

I mean, she pretty much lives
in "Furtherworld."

- Yeah,
her mind is in the game,

but her body
is still in the room.

Also, I know you're not
supposed to be able to smell

when she poops
in the Furtherchair,

but she only empties
that thing, like, once a week.

- I guess we could, like,
go out and do something?

Go to MOMA.
[chuckles]

Oh, hey,
we could go see a game.

- Baseball game?

- [laughs]
Seriously?

They still have those?

[pin beeps]

- Limon.
- Yes, Beth?

- What day is it?
- Sunday, April 3rd.

- Limon, do I have any messages
from my dad?

- You have 72
unheard messages.

- Shit!
- What?

- Okay, there's a lot of panic
in that number, huh?

And if I go he's gonna
be this nightmare,

but if I don't go,
it's gonna be this big deal,

but the truth is,
I don't wanna go,

and I only want it to be
a small deal, so--

- Wait, so your dad lives
in New York?

How come I've never met him?

- We really haven't been
getting along lately,

but today's always really been
our thing, like, really.

- Okay,
so why don't we go then?

We'll pop in, say hi,
it'll be fun.

- No, no, it will be loud
and intense and memorable

and a little scary,

but one thing it will not be
is fun.

My dad doesn't have fun
anymore,

he just tolerates
and survives.

- Then we'll make it fun.

[discordant strumming]

[organ music]

- [sighs]

Does it look okay?

- Yeah.

- Uncle Charles,
why are you here?

- Jim called me.
It sounded like a cry for help,

Mainly because he was crying
and he actually said help.

- Shit, I can't believe
I missed the game.

- No, no, you didn't.

- It started five hours ago.

- Yeah, well, everyone left,
but it's still going on.

Baseball is still the worst.

Look, I should go.

Seeing Jim like this
and it usually ends

with me doing something
I really don't wanna do.

Um, is this your boyfriend,
by the way?

- Brad.

[mimics sci-fi noises]

- Holy shit.

Good luck.

- That's--that's your uncle?

- Yeah, we're going,
- Okay.

- Shit, he's gone full
"Godfather II"

We should go.
- I see you cut your hair.

- Hey, Dad.

Happy opening day.

- Thought you weren't coming.

It's crazy, cause you wouldn't
hurt me like that.

It's what I kept reminding
myself as I sat here

alone and in the dark.

[feet pitter-patter]

Am I to assume
that he is my present?

You don't seem to have brought
anything else with you.

- I'm Brad.

Beth's boyfriend.

And just so you know, sir,

this relationship,
it's Limon verified, so.

- Well, I'm disappointed.

I thought for sure he'd have
a guitar, maybe even a banjo.

- Actually, sir, they call it
a mandolin--

- Brad, don't walk
right into the punch.

Dad, you wanna be nice?

- So, sir, this baseball thing.
Is that like cricket?

You know, I gotta tell you,
sir, I love cricket.

[laughs]
Yeah.

- [humming loudly]

- Oh, sir, are you okay?

- Mm, I'm just biting down
on my tongue so hard,

I can taste my own blood,
but I'm fine.

Tastes like cherries.

- Okay, you know what,
why don't you wait outside?

- No, please, I'll go.

After all,
the game is finally over.

[grunts]

Look out, look out!

- Dad. Dad.

Why do you have to make
everything such a big deal?

- You two are in love, huh?

Why, cause Limon told you so?

I mean, it does know exactly
how long it takes

to reheat a pizza,
why shouldn't it be qualified

to warm up the messy stew known
as human emotions as well?

- Look, I asked Limon
to set me up

with the perfect
college boyfriend,

and you know what,
Brad is great.

And I look forward to looking
at pictures of him

and his family in ten years,
wondering if I made

the right decision
to leave him,

but knowing in my heart
that I did.

- Well, all right,
that's actually pretty smart.

But Beth, you come in here
with a haircut,

it's not even flattering
to your facial structure--

- Thanks.
- No, I--

It's like I don't even know
who you are anymore.

I mean, what else has changed?

I mean, next thing
you're gonna tell me,

you're shaving
your underarms now.

Are you shaving your underarms?
You are, aren't you.

My God, I thought I raised you

to reject all forms
of patrilocal grooming.

What man told you to shave
your underarms?

Was it Brad?
Was it?

- No, Dad, you're the only man
who's ever talked to me

about my underarms.

- So he's not even interested

in the struggle
that it represents.

You know something,
if anything, that is worse.

- I'm not doing this.

Enjoy baseball classic.

- Well, baseball classic
is dead, darling.

Our new slogan is short,
and it's to the point.

Baseball, now or never.

My idea, first one
I've had in two years

that the owners
have actually liked.

People don't come back
to this game now,

it's gonna die.

- Even your slogans
are passive aggressive.

- Why are you so cruel to me?

Is there a reason?

- You think it's cruel
that I want my own life?

- I think that's very clearly
what I'm saying, yes.

- Look, I've been seeing
a therapist and she told--

- You have been?
Wait a minute, darling,

that's so good, no, because
you've experienced

so much trauma in your life,
I mean, the loss of your mom,

and being raised
by those religious fanatics,

and immigrating
to this country.

- Yeah, I talk some
about that stuff.

- I'm so glad to hear that.

- I mainly talk about you.

- Judas!
I gave you my heart.

- I know!
I know you love me.

that's what we talk about
in therapy.

Your love is--it's
all encompassing,

but it's all encompassing.

I need to set
healthy boundaries with you.

I mean, you followed me, Dad.

You followed me to New York,

and you never even wanted
to be commissioner.

- That's not true.

God, you make me sound like
I have absolutely no integrity.

- You're the face of a drug

that makes people
shit themselves.

- Oh, only if they want to,
and you know what?

Those voluntary adult diapers

are putting you through
college, Floribeth Brockmire.

[sighs]
- Yeah, you're a good dad.

You really are
in your own bat shit crazy way,

but I need you to dial it down,
like, at least 60%

because this
is not working for me.

- Oh, well,
is it working for me?

Is that what it's doing?

I know I hang on too tight,
okay,

but you totally vanished
on me, darn it.

[sighs]
And you're all I have.

- [sighs]

Dad...

Maybe if you stop leaving
50 messages a week,

I can start making time
for visits, you know?

Once every two weeks,
to start.

Also my therapist said
she really thinks

we could use
some sessions together.

- Okay, how about two,
three sessions a week?

I'm just kidding.
I'll come whenever I'm invited.

- You know I love you, right?

- I love you too.

Boy, no idea what I'm gonna do
with all my free time, now.

Where am I gonna focus all this
love and attention?

- How 'bout baseball?

- [scoffs]

The owners will never let me
enact any real change.

- Since when do you need
permission for anything?

Just follow your instincts

and make a lot of noise
when you do.

- You know what,
you're absolutely right.

God damn it, I can do this.

I understand
the modern media landscape.

I'm hip.

Is hip still a thing
people say?

I just realized, I haven't
heard that in a very long time.

Oh, God, I sound

like I'm a thousand years old,
don't I?

Like when Aunt Jean asked you
if you smoke grass.

Do you smoke grass?

[door clicking]

Charles, thank God
you're still here.

I need you to help me save
baseball, sir.

[rock and roll music]

He'll help.

He'll help.
- Yeah.