All language subtitles for Phffft.1954.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

[♪♪♪]

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MAN: "Outside, the night was as black
as a coal miner's...

Outside, the night was as black
as a coal miner's T-shirt.

I turned slowly away from the window.

Then, for the first time,
she could see the automatic in my hand.

Her eyes had that funny, mad look
I'd come to know and fear.

Her moist red lips were half-parted.

Then, slowly,
her eyes never leaving my face,

she began, one button at a time,
to undo the front of her sweater."

- WOMAN: Robert!
- Huh? Ahem. What? What is it?

- Nothing.
- Hm?

[SOFTLY]
Robert, I want a divorce.

No.

[WITH A LILT]
Robert, I want a...

No.

[CONFIDENTLY]
Robert, I want a divorce.

Robert!

[UNEASILY]
I want a divorce.

-Oh?

Oh!

Can't you do any better than that?

No. I think it's a very good idea.

As a matter of fact,
the same thought had occurred to me.

You're lying in your teeth.

That's a typically childish
and immature way of trying to save face.

The same thought had occurred to me.

You just want me to feel
that you're the one that wants a divorce.

You're not.
I'm the one that wants the divorce.

I'm the one.
Just remember that. I'm the one.

I don't want to disillusion you,
but for the past six months,

I've been trying to get up enough courage
to mention the subject myself.

- Lie, lie, lie!
- Oh...

- I've thought about it constantly.
- Lie!

As a matter of fact,
I even mentioned it to Charlie Nelson.

You discussed this with Charlie Nelson?

I did not say I discussed it.
I just said I mentioned it.

- You discussed this with Charlie Nelson?
- I...

I only said, "Nina and I have not been
getting along very well recently.

I sometimes wonder if it would not
be better if we were to get a divorce."

- To which Charlie replied...
- What?

- Charlie said, "It's none of my business."
- Oh, that's the absolute truth.

"It's none of my business,

but as they say on Broadway,
'If the show is a flop, fold it.™

Oh, that's so beautifully expressed.

You can see what makes Charlie Nelson
such a widely respected playwright.

Charlie Nelson is not only an old friend
and a valued client,

but That Was No Lady was sold
to Hollywood for $75,000.

That suggests a certain amount of respect.

That Was No Lady folded in Philadelphia.

- It wasn't worth 75 cents.
- Oh...

While we're having the little discussion,
I'd like you to know

I blame the whole thing on your mother
and her beloved Dr. Van Kessel.

Dr. Van Kessel is a brilliant analyst.

Brilliant? All he does is sit there,

-earning $25 an hour, listening to...
-Fifty dollars an hour.

Listening to neurotic women discussing
their sex lives.

-You know...
-He probably doesn't even listen.

It's absolutely impossible to carry on
a discussion with you on an adult level.

All right. Fine. Good, good, good.

- What grounds?
- I don't know.

- Any ground.
- Oh...

- Mental cruelty.
- Mental cruel...?

Of all of the ridiculous...

As a matter of fact, mental cruelty
happens to fit this situation very nicely.

ROBERT:
It's just a legal phrase.

It has absolutely no meaning whatsoever.

It only means
that for the past eight years,

you've treated me as if I were
some kind of feeble-minded child.

- You've done your best to destroy me.
- Destroy...?

I don't even know what that means.
You sound just like Serena Noble.

Keep Serena Noble out of this.
That's another thing.

You've subjected me
and my work to ridicule,

and if that isn't mental cruelty...

It doesn't make any difference
because I won't contest it.

[GULPS]

You won't contest it?
You can't contest it!

Not in a million years,
you can't contest it!

[♪♪♪]

Well, now, Mrs. Tracey, ma'am,
as your lawyer, I ask you,

wasn't that a beautiful,
beautiful divorce?

- A really lovely ceremony.
- You mean, it's really all over?

That's all there is to it?

Well, ma'am, there's one thing more.

You could take off your ring,
if you wanted to.

Oh, yes, I forgot.

Can't seem to get it off.

It's, uh, been on such a long time.

- A little saddle soap, ma'am.
- Yes.

I swear, when he said, "Divorce granted,”
well, there was tears in my eyes.

I always cry at divorces.

I don't know. It was so quick.

- Are you absolutely sure it's legal?
- Absolutely, ma'am.

I can hardly believe it.
It's too good to be true.

Well, ma'am, when two people,
down deep in their hearts,

know they really hate each other,
that's the only thing that matters.

Oh, we really hate each other, all right.
There's no doubt about that.

Of course you do.

And I know you two are going
to be very, very happy.

Well, I am. I know that.

In fact, I'm very, very happy right now.

Lazy A Guest Ranch, please.

[♪♪♪]

- Just get divorced, lady?
- Mm-hm.

Well, you sure got a nice day for it.

Uh-huh.

- He never thought I'd go through with it.
- What'd you say, lady?

Huh?

Nothing.

- Come again, lady?
- No, no. Nothing.

[Nina] Poor Robert. I called his bluff.

He's probably in a state of shock.

Probably never get over it.

Well, that's his problem.

He asked for it.
Got what was coming to him.

Poor Robert.

Right now he's probably moving into
some miserable, lonely, little hotel room

with one window
that looks out over an airshatft.

CHARLIE AND ROBERT:
♪ It's great to be single again, again ♪

♪ It's great to be single again ♪♪

- Well, this is it, boy. Home sweet home.
- Wow.

I certainly appreciate
your letting me move in.

You're gonna love it here, Bobby.
Hey. This is your room in here.

Freddie just moved out.
He got married again.

The poor, foolish, headstrong boy.

- Is there more stuff down in the car?
- I don't think so, Charlie.

We started out to get a few
of my personal things,

we ended up looting the joint.

- Looting and pillaging.
- Yeah.

And sacking.
Looting and pillaging and sacking.

- And sacking.
- There.

[CHARLIE CHUCKLES]

Eh... Uh-oh.

Huckleberry Finn?

Yeah, that's my personal copy.
It has great sentimental value.

My Uncle William gave it to me
on my 12th birthday.

It says on the flyleaf there, it says:

"To little Robert on his 12th birthday.
His loving Uncle William."

- Bobby.
- Huh?

"To little Nina, on her 9th birthday.
Her beloved Aunt Sarah."

It's an honest mistake.
She won't miss it anyway.

- Good. Hey, what have you got in here?
- What? Ooh. Hey! Wait a minute.

- Wow!
- Huh?

- I feel guilty about swiping this stuff.
- Why?

Nina's the one who read
about the liquor sale at Macy's.

She's the one who lugged it all the way
to Westport in the station wagon.

There's nothing in the divorce agreement
giving Nina custody of the liquor.

Well, it's very true.

As a matter of fact,
that's a well-taken point. Here.

- Catch it, Charlie.
- Sign that boy.

Yeah. Hey, you know, I can go
to baseball games now if I wanted to.

- Why not?
- How about that, Charlie?

And professional football games.
Nina hated professional football games.

Ah! Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Don't waste that stuff. It's precious.

- What do you got in there?
- Huh? Laundry.

There.

Well, now that you're all moved in
and settled,

let's get down to the business at hand.

Dames.

- Huh? Hey, wait, Charlie.
- Who we gonna get for you?

Do me one favor. No dames.
Don't you introduce me to anyone.

The last time you introduced me to a dame,
thank you, it was a disaster,

a total disaster.
You introduced me to a dame,

it took me eight years to get over it.
No, thank you, not again.

What are you talking about?
Who did I introduce you to?

Nina, that's who you introduced me to.

Hey, that's right.
Man, that was a long time ago.

- 1946.
- We were still in the Navy then.

Fighting the battle
at good old 90 Church Street.

Yeah, you were a big deal then.

A lieutenant in public relations.

I remember that afternoon only too well.
I was sitting at my desk,

trying to get some work done
and you came in.

In a jam, as usual.

- Say, Bobby.
- Yeah?

- Bobby, I'm in a terrible jam.
- Mmm?

Bobby, I have to find a hero.

- A what?
- A hero. I just promised the admiral.

You see, NBC's doing a radio show,
a documentary on the Navy,

and they're sending a writer down here
to do some research,

and I just guaranteed
I'd find her a real hero to talk to.

Well, find her a hero.

Yeah.

You know, Bobby, we've got
a great bunch of fellows down here.

The men of the public relations command.

The men of the legal staff.

There's even one guy on the third floor
who was actually on a ship once.

Yeah!

But we haven't got any heroes.

See? So I was thinking, Bobby.

I was thinking,
maybe I could introduce her to you.

- Me?
- Sure. It's very simple.

You tell her a few war stories
and take her out to dinner.

Come on, don't be ridiculous.

- Bobby?
- Mm?

- I don't like to do this to you.
- Hm.

But I'm forced to remind you
that I am in command here.

Huh?

Lieutenant Tracey,
I order you to be a hero.

I could never get away with it, Charlie.

- What would I say?
- Well...

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Come!
- Now, hey, Charlie.

- Lieutenant Nelson?
- Aye, aye.

I'm Nina Chapman from NBC.

It's a pleasure, Miss Chapman.
I have somebody here I want you to meet.

Lieutenant Robert Tracey.

He's here on secret business
for the admiral.

Lieutenant Tracey,
this is Miss Chapman from NBC.

- How do you do?
- A pleasure, lieutenant.

I think he's just what you want, ma'am,

a man who has ridden
into the jaws of death and out again.

Charlie, please.

Miss Chapman, the face may be young,
but the eyes, the eyes are old.

Okay, kids, you're on your own.
I have to be running along.

Excuse me.
Charlie, now please, will you...?

Oh, just sit down, please.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

- Lieutenant?
- Hm?

- May I ask you a personal question?
- I guess so.

How long has it been
since you've seen a woman?

About 20 minutes.

Look, Miss Chapman, I'd better warn you.
Charlie... Lieutenant Nelson there

has a rather vivid imagination,
and sometimes he tends to exaggerate.

Would it be too painful for you
to talk a little about...?

What, this? Well, it's so ridiculous,
I'm ashamed to talk about it.

Ashamed? You should be proud!

Proud of what Stephen Crane called
your "red badge of courage."

I got my finger caught
in an adding machine.

It's about time I got rid of this thing.

They have so few wounded
here at 90 Church Street,

the doctors sometimes lose their heads.

I regret to inform you, Miss Chapman,

I spent the entire war
right here in this office, you see.

And right now, I'm helping
the admiral prepare his income tax return.

Well, look, I'm just a lawyer
on the admiral's staff.

I applied for sea duty three times
and I was turned down.

I just happen to be very good
at contracts, that's all. I did manage...

Pardon me. I did manage to save
the Navy $750,000 in the past three years,

which is, in its own way, a very valuable
contribution to the war effort.

Seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars?

Yes, it just doesn't happen
to seem very heroic, that's all.

I think that's very heroic.
And remarkable.

- You do?
- Oh, yes. Take me, for instance.

I only earn $65 a week, and I've been
working for the last three weeks,

trying to figure out my income tax.
It's still all mixed up.

I would be more than delighted, of course,
to offer any help and advice I can.

But, of course, I couldn't do that
on the government's time.

- Of course not.
- Won't you?

Well, if you would like
to have dinner with me tonight,

well, I would be more than happy
to go over your entire tax structure

and, uh, offer any help
and clarification that I could.

Well, gee.

Shall we say,
I'll pick you up at ♪:30 then?

- Address, please?
- Uh, 258 East 53rd.

Rental housing?

Huh?

- Oh, yes.
- On a participation basis?

- What?
- You have a roommate?

No. My mother does help out
with the rent, though, sometimes.

Oh, your mother lives with you?

Of course not.

Mother believes it's very important
for people to live alone.

It develops independence and character.

- Well, until 7:30 then.
- Seven thirty.

- Goodbye.
- Bye-bye.

Oh. Ha-ha-ha.

- Uh, Miss Chapman.
- Yes.

- Be sure and have your canceled checks.
- Oh, I will. I certainly will.

[♪♪♪]

I guess you do quite a lot of entertaining
at home. For business reasons.

No, I don't.

Well, that's too bad because that bottle
of wine, for instance, is deductible.

- Deductible?
- Mm-hm. Of course, deductible.

Anything you spend for tax advice is
an entirely legal tax deduction.

Oh!

- How many rooms have you got here?
- Well, this is it.

Oh.

- Where do you sleep?
- Oh, that's very tricky.

You just press a button.
A bed sort of pops out of the wall.

- What?
- I'll show you.

It sort of goes whoosh! Watch out!

Oh, that's wonderful. That's amazing!

- Gee! That's American ingenuity.
- Yeah.

- It looks very comfortable.
- Yes, it is.

Gee.

That's wonderful. It must work
on a spring principle, I imagine.

[WHOOSHES]

Yes. You press a button, it comes out,
press another button, it goes right back.

Watch out now, you don't want
to get wounded in that other hand.

You know, I can't get over that. It's...

[WHOOSHES]

Well, I'm afraid you'll just have to.
Are you ready for my canceled checks now?

Yes. I guess
we'd better get down to business.

I think I have most of them.
I'm afraid a few might be missing.

Missing?

- I sent them to the laundry.
- Hm?

I had them in one of my pockets.

I picked them up in the mailbox
on the way to the studio.

Well, that was on a Tuesday.

I mean, that's the day
the laundry gets sent out.

- What?
- Well, it could happen to anyone.

Well, we won't worry about it.
We'll just do the best we can.

Oh.

[WHOOSHES]

Now, the idea is first to separate
the checks into two stacks.

- You see, deductible and non-deductible.
- I see.

Now, for instance,
who or what is Otis J. Lohman?

- Who?
- Who or what is Otis J. Lohman?

On March 4th you wrote a check
for $14.37 to one Otis J. Lohman.

- Any idea what that might be for?
- No.

It's interesting, really.
It's very interesting.

- What?
- Well, it's wonderful, really.

I always say, you can never really get
to know a person well

until you've been through
her canceled checks.

You can't?

Beats psychiatry, palm reading

and, uh, you know,
feeling the bumps on someone's head.

- Phrenology?
- Mm.

Well, anyhow, I can tell everything
about a person from their canceled checks.

- Can you tell about me?
- Everything.

Everything?

Everything.

[♪♪♪]

Well, is it all right?

Well, yes.

You're frivolous, romantic, generous,

somewhat over-impulsive.

You're ambitious.

You're a little scatterbrained,

and you also have a weakness
for lacy underwear.

That's uncanny.

You're also very pretty,
you're very sweet,

and you like to be kissed.

Oh! The checks! Oh, I'm sorry.

That's all right.
You can send those to the laundry too.

Maybe, before this goes any further,
I ought to look at your canceled checks.

You'll find I'm honest,
thrifty, methodical,

sober, upright, and really kind of dull.

- I don't believe it.
- Don't say I didn't warn you.

I won't.

ROBERT: That was an exciting summer
for both of us. You remember, Charlie.

It wasn't very long after I met Nina
that she got a promotion.

Her first chance to write a radio show.
And it was just about the same time

I was in line to get
somewhat of a promotion myself.

MAN:
Cynthia, I've come back to you.

I couldn't stay away any longer.

WOMAN: Oh, Steve!
MAN: Life has been an empty shell.

For me too, Steve.

I, too, have been living a lie.

MAN: I realize, Cynthia, you've
a million dollars in your own right,

that you have a Rolls-Royce,
a personal maid, a town house,

a country house, and six mink coats.

Oh, Steve.

Darling, I want to take you away
from all this.

Away from this tinsel, empty existence.

Oh, Steve!

Oh, perhaps we'll starve,
but at least we shall be together.

We won't have to starve, Steve.

That invention of yours,
I showed it to Dad,

- and he's buying it for a million dollars.
- Darling!

Darling!

[BOTH MOAN]

[ORGAN PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]

Why, you must be crazy.
I'll get fired. What happened?

What happened?
My discharge comes through next week.

- Oh, Robert, that's wonderful.
- Listen, you've heard of the firm

Englebach, Hurst, McCarran & Lord,
attorneys at law?

- No.
- Yeah, well, as of next week,

it's gonna be Englebach,
Hurst, McCarran & Lord,

attorneys at law,
associate Robert Tracey.

- Oh, Robert!
- So starting next week,

- I'm gonna be a starving lawyer.
- That's wonderful.

Come on, let's eat.

[PIANO PLAYING SOFT JAZZ MUSIC]

- Nina? Ahem.
- Yes?

- I've been thinking.
- Yes?

- About your income tax situation.
- Do we have to discuss that tonight?

Well, wait. This is very important.

You have a basic salaried income
of $3380 per annum. Is that correct?

That's right.
If that's what $65 a week comes to.

Yes. I don't see why we have
to discuss it.

Well, I shall shortly be earning
5200 myself.

And to get to the point,
if we were to file a joint return,

it would seem to me
that with the two exemptions,

a joint return may not only be feasible
but actually economically very sound.

Indeed, tax-wise.

Hmm. All right.
I didn't think you could do that,

file a joint return just like that.

I thought you had to be married
or something. Oh...

Oh... Oh...

ROBERT:
It was just like a movie, you know,

they were married
and they lived happily ever after.

Until eight years later,
when they get a divorce.

It's the best thing
that ever happened to you.

Well, it's all over.
It's all settled. Forget it.

Oh, uh, one thing, Bobby. Just one thing.

If two people are
to live together harmoniously,

a certain amount of, um,
intelligent planning is necessary.

That's where Sam comes in.

- Hm? What?
- So... I forget.

- Come on, I want you to meet Sam.
- What?

He's a very important member
of this household.

Here.

This is Sam. When Freddie lived here,
we worked out this system.

Charlie, I don't even know
what you're talking about.

Oh, uh, visitors, guests, callers.

Maybe even clients.

Supposing some night
you're entertaining a visitor,

or guest, or caller,
or maybe even a client,

and for some reason or other, it would
be inconvenient to have me interrupt.

And you want to inform me
as discreetly as possible

that the apartment is occupied.

Huh?

What you do is simply this.

Then, later on, when the coast is clear...

- Huh?
- Huh.

Well, Charlie, I never see clients
anywhere except at the office.

Well, my boy, a situation may arise.

And if it does, remember...

So...

WOMAN [OVER PA]:
Flight 511, from San Francisco,

Reno and Chicago, now arriving at Gate 10.

Darling, you look just marvelous.

I never felt better in my life, Mother.

Edith. You promised to call me Edith.

I feel as if a great, big weight
had been lifted off my shoulders.

Of course you do, and it has.

You didn't have to come
all the way out here to meet me.

I know, but I wanted to.

I had to cancel my 11:00 appointment
with Dr. Van Kessel, but it was worth it.

Now, Dr. Van Kessel will try to tell me
that the reason I came was

because I really wanted
to cancel the appointment

and that meeting you was
just an excuse for avoiding him.

And we'll spend all next week

analyzing the source of my hostility
toward him, but I don't care.

Come on, now, we'll pick up your bag.

- I have to go to NBC first.
- NBC can wait.

First, I'm taking you to lunch.
We'll have thousands of martinis

and all the most expensive things
on the menu.

- The Barbery Room, huh?
- Of course.

- I have lunch here every day.
- I know.

So does everybody else in New York.

- I wish we were going some place quiet.
- Oh, don't be absurd.

You'll be a darling bunny
and take care of the car?

Certainly, Mrs. Chapman.

[BAND PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

- Mrs. Chapman. Oh, Mrs. Chapman.
- Hello, Teddy.

Say, I have your table ready for you.

- A reservation for two, was it not?
- For two, yes.

Charlie, cheers.

Did you really reserve a table?

Of course not.
Teddy's such a darling bunny.

[TEDDY SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

You really are wonderful, Mother...

What's the matter, darling?
You look as though you'd seen a...

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- Oh...
- I told you we shouldn't have come here.

- Let's get out of here.
- Now don't be absurd.

- I think I'm gonna be sick.
- In a divorce situation, a first meeting,

particularly an accidental one,
is bound to be mildly traumatic.

But you mustn't let it get the best of you
or you'll be lost. Lost, lost, lost.

Look, he sees us. What do I do?

Just because he happens
to be infantile and neurotic,

there's no reason for you
to be anything but civilized and adult.

Just smile politely and wave so.

I told you I didn't want to come here.

I knew that phony dame was gonna
drag her in here for lunch.

- Let's drink these and get out.
- Come on. Pull yourself together.

What are you afraid of?
You got to be civilized about this.

Besides, we were here first.

If they don't like it, let them leave.

Look at his face... Very embarrassed.

If he doesn't like it, let him leave.

You're right, Charlie.
You're absolutely right.

- Sure.
- Mm!

I'll have one more of the same, please.

Make mine a double.

Waiter, we'll have two
of your divine martinis.

Make mine a double.

This was bound to happen sooner or later.

- It's much better this way.
- Yeah.

- Now it's over.
- Yeah, I suppose so.

Do you suppose I should, uh, go over there
and just say hello or something?

Of course not.
Just pretend they're not here.

[SCOFFS]

Do you think I should go over there
and speak to him or something?

- Send a note?
- Certainly not.

Just ignore them.

I wouldn't go over there anyway
with her mother there. Oh.

As a matter of fact,
I blame this whole thing on her mother.

Really? I always thought
she was a charming and attractive woman.

Charming and...?

She's an interior decorator.
I hate interior decorators.

Do you know what she wanted to get us?

A round bed.

- A what?
- A round bed.

- That's an interesting idea.
- She thought it would be very chic.

I said, "All right."
So I get the round bed.

Where do I get the round sheets,
the round blankets

and the round pillow cases?
She never thought of that.

Waiter, I'll have one more of the same...
Oh. Heh. Thank you.

I have no use in this world whatsoever
for interior decorators. Am I boring you?

No, not at all.
I was just thinking about that round bed.

We never had any interior decorators
in that old apartment of Nina's.

With that crazy old bed.

It used to go "whoosh"
when it came out of the wall.

Just like that, it used
to just go "whoosh" when it came out.

Whoosh!

Whoosh.

I've got a confession to make.

I broke into your house
while you were away

and redid your entire bedroom.

You shouldn't have done that.

You'll never believe it
until you've seen it.

That darling bunny on the eighth floor
at Lord and Taylor's

promised to make you a round quilt.

I'm no longer interested in beds.

You've got to stop brooding this way.

You've got to try
and make a successful adjustment.

I've seen this coming for a long time.

Well, she can do anything she wants
to Nina's bedroom now.

[MUSIC STOPS]

Anything she wants to at all.

Look at him!

Sitting there belting martinis
with Charlie Nelson.

Look at him.

I don't know what's gonna happen to him
and I don't care.

Probably live on whiskey
and French-fried potatoes.

Get fat, lose all his clients.

I don't know what he's gonna do
and I don't care.

I don't know why I ever married him
in the first place.

I was afraid of being an old maid.

I wasn't nearly
this attractive then either.

[LOUDLY] I didn't realize
that there are certain women like me

who get more attractive as they mature.

I thought by the time I was 30,
I was gonna be lined and gray.

How did I know
I was suddenly gonna blossom out

into a raving, screaming beauty
with my own television show

and an income of $40,000 a year?

How did I know?

I'm well out of it, that's all.

I'm free, free!
You don't know what that means.

And I'm going to enjoy it.

El Morocco every night
and men, millions of men!

Poor, miserable creatures
groveling at my feet!

I'm gonna be a combination
of Sadie Thompson,

Forever Amber and Scarlett O'Hammer,
all rolled up into one.

I'm gonna be passion's plaything.

[CROWD CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪]

- Welcome back, Miss Chapman.
- Thank you.

MAN 1:
Camera one.

MAN 2: I think we've won, Serena.
I think we've won.

- Congratulations, Nina.
- Thank you.

Congratulations, Nina.

- Great to have you back.
- Thank you.

WOMAN: I am so proud of you, my darling.
So terribly, terribly proud.

MAN 2:
It was nothing, Serena. Nothing at all.

I merely did my duty.

You took a desperate chance, John,
dynamiting the waterworks.

I merely did what I had to, Serena.

The water was contaminated.

You need some rest, John.

You haven't slept
in the past three nights.

What about you, little Serena?

For the past three nights,
you've been by my side,

fighting this epidemic with me.

It's different for a woman somehow.

Easier.

Without you, Serena, I never could have
stopped this terrible epidemic.

But you did it, my darling.
That's all that matters. You did it.

We did it, my darling.

We did it.

Well, that does it. That does it.

- It's a real good show.
- Thank you.

All right, boys, wrap it up!

NINA: Hello, how are you?
- Welcome back, Miss Chapman.

- Thank you.
- Nice seeing you, Miss Chapman.

- Hello. Thank you.
- Wonderful show.

- Did you have a nice trip?
- Fine, thank you.

Good, glad to hear it.

Well, Rick Vidal!

Well, hello.

Hey, before these wolves have a chance
to tear you apart,

let me get my claim in, huh?

Are you, uh, free for dinner tonight?

Yes. I guess I am.

It's a wonderful feeling.

I haven't been free for anything
in eight years.

Sure, sure. I'm free for dinner.

I'm glad I got there firstest
with the mostest.

Say, you know,
you ought to watch yourself, darling.

This town is just full of guys
who are waiting for gals like you.

- It is?
- Mm-hm.

- Eight o'clock, then?
- Eight o'clock.

I'm staying at Mother's, 516 Park.

[GIGGLES]

- Just ask for Sadie.
- Sadie?

Thompson.

[♪♪♪]

Cab, please.
You look ravishing, Miss Thompson.

Or may I call you Sadie?

Oh, you may call me Sadie, or Amber,
or Scarlett, or anything you want.

I think I'll just stick to darling.

- Where would you like to go?
- I don't know.

It's been so long since I've been out.

- Where have they got?
- Just leave it to me.

We'll go where there's music,
soft lights, dancing.

- It sounds delicious, simply delicious.
- It will be, I promise.

[BAND PLAYING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[BAND PLAYING RUMBA MUSIC]

A rumba,
to me the most exciting of all dances.

- Shall we?
- No! I mean, no.

I, uh, feel silly
that I never learned to rumba.

Robert and I were gonna
take lessons together,

- but we never did.
- It's easy.

- Let me teach you.
- I'd rather not. This has been so lovely.

I don't want to spoil it all
by stepping all over your feet.

That's impossible. You couldn't do that.

Oh, lovely. Lovely.

Absolutely exquisite.

- Yes, you.
- Well...

Darling, I've an idea.

I know a wonderful place.
It's very dark and very quiet,

- where we can talk.
- But I sort of like it here.

Oh, no. This place?

The place I know is much better,
much more intime.

- Where is this place?
- My apartment.

- Your apartment?
- My apartment.

Well, I've never been
to a man's apartment.

Except, of course, my husband's.

And that was all right
because I lived there too.

- You know what I mean.
- Yes, I know.

I think it's charming.
Terribly, terribly sweet and charming.

- You do?
- Yes, I do.

Huh. Well, you certainly have
a very forceful personality,

and you sort of smell good too.

Oh... All right, let's go.

It sounds lovely.

It will be. I promise.

[♪♪♪]

Nice place you've got here.

Just a simple bachelor's apartment.

Come on, sit down.

[RICK CHUCKLING]

Come on, sit here by me.

Don't be afraid. I want to talk to you.

Nina, I can't tell you

how very much I've wanted the chance
to get to know you better.

To have you get to know me.

There's so many things I want to tell you.

So many things I'd like to do.

Yes?

Well, first of all, that dame
that plays Serena louses me up

every minute we're on the air.

Now, let's face it, Nina.

You know as well as I do
that this is the man's show.

I carry the entire program
right on my back. Now, I've been thinking,

I don't wanna tell you
how to write the scripts, of course,

the scripts are brilliant.
But if you could just write the dame

out of the show for a week or so,

maybe she could have an accident and
be unconscious for a week or something.

You know, put her in her convertible
and let her drive it over the cliff,

or put her up in a plane
and let it disintegrate in midair.

You can handle it. Anything.

Just so the audience will get
a chance to know me.

I promise you that rating-wise it would be
a tremendous lift for the show, and...

[♪♪♪]

Hey! What did I do?

You goofed!

ROBERT: "Outside, the night was
as black as a coal miner's ♪-shirt.

I turned slowly away from the window
and faced her.

Then, for the first time,
she could see the automatic in my hand.”

- Hey, Bobby.
- What, what is it, Charlie?

Come on, you can't just sit around
this place. You'll go stir-crazy.

A man gets divorced, what he needs is
to get out and meet new people.

I got a great girl for you.
Let me call her, huh?

I'm perfectly happy just sitting here,
reading, Charlie.

Okay.

"For a long moment,
she stared at me in silence.

Her eyes had that funny, mad look
I'd come to know and fear.

Her moist red lips were half-parted.

Then, slowly, her eyes never leaving
my face, she began... "

- Hey, Bobby.
- Charlie, I am trying to read.

You know I got divorced
for this very same reason?

Now, will you please stop?

You were married too long,
that's the trouble. You lost your touch.

You got...

I'm gonna call this girl.
Her name is Janis.

I don't care if her name is...

It's just that I wouldn't even know
what to do.

There's nothing to it. You buy her dinner,
a few drinks, hand her some laughs.

- From then on, you're on your own.
- Wait.

- Are you...? Hey, stop.
- Stop arguing. It's ringing.

-She may not be home...
-Charlie.

Hello. Hello, Janis.
Janis, this is your dream man, Charlie.

You wouldn't.

Charlie Nelson,
the answer to a young girl's prayer.

Sure, you remember. That's right.

That's right, that's right.

I'll come up sometime,
we'll play Pony Express.

Pony Express?

Well, that's like Post Office,
only a little more horsing around.

Oh, for...

Yeah, I know I'm terrible.
That's why you love me so much, huh?

Look, beautiful,
there's this friend of mine.

- A wonderful guy named Bob Tracey.
- This is embarrassing.

A great guy, a million laughs,
he's dying to meet you.

- Are you doing anything tonight?
- I don't feel very well, Charlie, honest.

How about dinner?
A million laughs, I guarantee you.

Yeah, okay. He'll pick you up about 8.

Tracey, that's right, Bob Tracey.
Uh-huh. Bye.

Come on, boy, snap out of it.
You're in for a ball.

[♪♪♪]

Good evening. My name is Robert Tracey,

- and, uh, Charlie Nelson said...
- Oh, come on in.

Come on. I'll be ready in just a minute.

You know, it's the funniest thing.

When Charlie called me up tonight,

I was just about to open
a can of spaghetti.

- I'm certainly glad you didn't do that.
- Well, me too.

- I hate to cook. Turn around.
- I beg your pardon?

Well, turn around.
I have to finish dressing.

- Oh, of course, certainly. I'm very sorry.
- Speaking about spaghetti,

you'd be surprised at how many fellas
you go out on dates with

who don't like to buy you any dinner.

They'll buy you anything you want
to drink, all right, but not to eat.

What I think is,
they just want to get you plastered.

Maybe I ought to pull this curtain.

There seems to be somebody staring at you
from across the court.

No, don't do that.

My girlfriend and I,
we never pull the curtain.

We just have a ball with him.

You know,
that boy must be a nervous wreck.

We never let him get any sleep at all.

Someday he's gonna flip his lid
or fall out of the window or something.

Don't you think that's a scream?

Well, I should think
you'd call the police.

No, that would spoil everything.

After all, he's been so patient,
it only seems fair.

Okay, you can turn around now.

You look lovely.
Where would you care to have dinner?

I know a real dreamy place.

It's real cute.
Come on, just stick with me.

I get the biggest kick out of this place.

All the boys here are from Yale.

- Hello.
- Janis.

Hi, George.

WOMAN 1: Hello, Janis!
- Hello.

[BAND PLAYING SLOW SONG]

WOMAN 2: Hi, Janis.
- How've you been?

BAND:
♪ Pray, have mercy on... ♪♪

I suddenly feel kind of old
among all these crew cuts.

You know something?

I was at the spring prom
at Yale last year.

This Yale boy's roommate made a bet
with him that he wouldn't dare ask me,

but he did.

He's at Harvard now.

That figures.

Hey, Janis, get the pompoms!

MAN 1:
Come on, Janis!

WOMAN: Grab the pompoms!
MAN 2: We want Janis.

WOMAN:
It's your song, Janis.

BAND:
♪ Boola boola, boola boola ♪

♪ Boola boola, boola boola ♪

♪ When we're through
With those poor fellows ♪

♪ They will holler boola boo
Rah, rah! ♪

♪ Oh, Yale, Eli Yale ♪

♪ Oh, Yale, Eli Yale ♪

♪ Oh, Yale, Eli Yale ♪

MAN 1:
Good going, Janis!

♪ Oh, Yale, Eli Yale ♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

MAN 2: Nice work, girl.
WOMAN: You're swell, Janis.

[BAND PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

Sometimes I think
I should have gone to college.

You know, there's so much
a person can get out of college.

Yes, that's certainly true.

You may not believe this,

but they were gonna give me
a scholarship to this college,

but I decided not to take it.
I wanted to keep on with my dancing.

That's very interesting.
What college was that?

- What?
- Where they offered you a scholarship?

Some little jerkwater college back home.

Here, put your hot one up
against my cold one

and make my cold one hot.

That means give me a light.

That's what Charlie Nelson always says
when he wants to light a cigarette

from somebody else's cigarette.

I think it's real cute.

I mean, you could really bust something
laughing at Charlie.

[JANIS CHUCKLES]

In what subject
did you almost get this scholarship?

I don't know why this fascinates me so.

- Music.
- Music?

I won runner-up
in the all-state drum majorette contest.

- Hey, let's dance.
- No!

I mean, to tell you the truth, I can't...
What is...? Rumba.

I was gonna take some lessons,
but I never quite got around to it. So...

That's all right.

Sometimes, it's a lot more fun

just to sit
and have a serious conversation.

Maybe we could go up to your place
where it's more quiet.

- My place?
- I think it'd be dreamy. Don't you?

Well, yes, well, it would, uh... Dreamy.

Well, this is, uh, home.

I share the apartment with Charlie,
you know.

You known Charlie a long time?

Oh, yes. We were in the Navy together,
and I have been his lawyer for years.

Would you like a drink?
Would whiskey be all right?

Well, sure.
I think whiskey would be dreamy.

[CHUCKLING]
We don't seem to have any ice.

Charlie forgot to put water in the trays.

Well, don't worry about it.

I'd just as soon have a little straightie.

Oh.

You know, it's the funniest thing,
did I tell you?

When Charlie called me up tonight,

I was just about to give up
and open a can of spaghetti.

Spaghetti, yes, canned spaghetti.
You told me about that.

Well, good luck. I'm sorry about the ice.

Say, are you married?

Uh, well, I was. I'm divorced now.

What made you get divorced?
Was it another woman?

No, no. It was nothing like that.

No? What happened, then?

Well, as a matter of fact,
I was cruel to her.

- No kidding.
- Well, only mentally, of course,

I mean, by that I disparaged her work,
for one thing.

And I was also incompatible
and frequently moody

and unresponsive and insulted her
in front of her friends, and...

Oh.

I thought maybe it was something,
well, you know, kind of interesting.

- No, it was nothing interesting.
- How long have you been divorced?

- A couple of days.
- Oh.

Maybe we should have another drink.

All right.

It's not very good without ice,
I'm afraid.

Don't worry about it.

Say, I've got a good idea.

Maybe we could go out
some place else later on.

- Have you seen the show at the Copa?
- No. I don't get to the Copa very much.

Well, at least they have ice at the Copa.

You know, it seems awful funny
that you're a friend of Charlie's.

[LAUGHS]

You know,
you're not even a little bit like him.

You're more the quiet, moody type.

In some ways, you're very cute though.

Well, I'm afraid
this is awfully dull for you.

I mean, I'm kind of depressed tonight.

Sometimes I'm pretty much
of a riot myself, but it...

- Oh, I bet you are.
- Yeah.

You know, you really ought to try
and cheer up though.

Here, maybe this'll help you.

That didn't seem to do any good at all.

Say, what's the matter with you, anyway?

I don't know. Sorry, but the whole thing
is a mistake, that's all.

I told Charlie it was,
but you know Charlie. It's...

I'm still upset and everything. This...

I'm not very good company, you see.
I don't even have any ice.

Maybe the best thing I could do
would be just to take you home.

Don't worry about it.
I mean, it's quite all right.

- I can take a cab.
- Well, no. Really, I mean...

Don't worry about it.

Well, then,
I'll call you again sometime, maybe.

- You do that.
- I will, I...

- That'll be fine.
- All right. Well, good night.

Good night.

Say, how long were you married
to that dame, anyway?

About eight years.

She was pretty special?

Well, she was different.

I've got a flash for you.

That much different
she couldn't be. Good night.

[♪♪♪]

ROBERT: "Then, slowly,
her eyes never leaving my face,

she began, one button at a time,
to undo the front of her sweater."

[SOUNDING OUT LETTERS]

Purse the lips and say "eu."

[WHISTLES]

- Madame.
- Yes.

The "eu" sound is the foundation,

the very Rock of Gibraltar on which
the French language is based, eh?

[SOUNDING OUT LETTERS]

There is, I assume,
some personal and compelling reason

for Madame's desire to master French.

- A trip to Europe, perhaps?
- Well, something like that.

May one ask a question of personal nature?

Of course.

Madame has recently been divorced?

-Yes.

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

How sad.

Oh, it isn't a bit sad.

It's the best thing
that ever happened to me. "Ooh."

_"Eu-" _"Ee-"

Why did you ask that?

So many of our students
have recently been divorced.

It's most interesting.

During the first few months
after a divorce,

one almost always decides
to devote oneself

to something serious and worthwhile.

As for example, the United Nations.

-"Ooh."
_"Eu."

"Eu."

Hmph. It's very odd, the psychology.

One has been unable
to save one's marriage,

so now one will compensate
by saving the world.

[SOBS]

[SIGHS]

Forgive me, Madame. Forgive me.
I am perhaps too outspoken.

My sincerest apologies.

It's all right.

Let's try it once again, huh?

I have great optimism.

It's only a matter of time,
in the soft palate, huh?

Now, purse the lips.

[SOUNDING OUT LETTERS]

[♪♪♪]

Very nice. Very nice.

Mm-hm.

Well, that's what we call progress.

Give me those hips
a little bit more, will you?

Get this. "A close shot, Elaine's sweater.

Slowly, her eyes never leaving his face,

she begins, one button at a time,
to unbutton it." Heh-heh.

Pretty good, huh, Marcia?
That'll fracture them.

It's wonderful, Mr. Nelson.
Just wonderful.

"By this time, Brannigan..."

As your lawyer, you can't do that,
it's plagiarism. You're stealing again.

Stealing? Who's stealing?
I'm changing the names.

Look, Marcia, let's take a break.
We've done enough for today, anyway.

Now you type that stuff up.
We'll get a fresh start tomorrow.

Let's make it early, around 11.

All right, Mr. Nelson.

Look, Charlie, listen.
I saved you from one plagiarism suit.

I may not be able to do that again.
Try to be more careful.

I don't like to discuss my work.

You take care of the business,
I'll handle the art.

- Goodbye, Mr. Nelson.
- Goodbye, Marcia.

[CHARLIE CHUCKLES]

- Look...
- How about that? Is that great?

Are you busy tonight?
Maybe I can fix you up a date.

No! Please!
I will not go through that again.

I don't seem to have anything to say
to 20-year-old girls anymore.

The trouble with you, you're in a rut.

Mentally, you're still married
to the girl that divorced you.

You handle her television business,
her income tax...

Members of the firm insisted on that.
She's a very valuable client.

It's as though you're still married
with none of the advantages.

Look, why don't you take Marcia out,
be my guest.

- No, Charlie. Now, please.
- Bobby.

A man gets divorced,
he's got to learn how to expand,

how to grow. You got to start
from the bottom and work your way up.

You got to change your personality,
your clothes, uh, grow a mustache.

- Grow a mustache?
- Sure.

- I'd probably look like Groucho Marx.
- A mustache is a very important thing.

That's part of the famous
Charlie Nelson theory

on the efficacy of face hair
in dealing with the opposite sex.

What?

Always remember this.

Dames become unpredictable
when faced with a mustache.

It both arouses and angers them

because, being as it is
a symbol of masculinity,

they feel drawn toward it.

It's no use, Charlie.

I have no interest whatsoever
in growing a mustache.

And I have no interest in girls
like Janis or that Marcia.

- We have nothing to talk about.
- Look, Bobby, Janis is basic.

You got to make it with a Janis
or you're dead.

Besides, who says you got to talk to them?

You're back in the jungle, boy,
you're a hungry tiger,

a lithe, young animal.

- I'm a lithe, middle-aged animal.
- There's nothing to it, you gotta do it.

Charlie, I don't know. I just don't know.

Bobby, look. You put yourself
in my hands for one week,

I guarantee at the end of that time,

you won't be able to recognize yourself.

Yeah.

[♪♪♪]

[ENGINE REVVING]

[BELL RINGING]

[IMITATING ENGINE ROAR]

[RUMBA MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]

Loose, loose, loose, loosen up.

Dance with me.
Loose, loose, loose, loosen up.

Limp, limp, limp.

I just can't seem to get the hang of it.
It looks easy enough.

Stand back and watch me for a minute.

Notice the hips swing,

swing, swing, swing the hips,

swing the bottom,

swing, relax.

Swing, swing, swing. Olé!

BOTH:
Let your knees go limp, limp, limp.

INSTRUCTORS:
Limp, limp, limp.

Let your knees go limp, limp, limp.

[BAND PLAYING RUMBA MUSIC]

- Cigarette?
- No, thank you.

Alphonse.

I have a very nice table for you,
Mr. Tracey.

- Would you like to dance?
- Love to.

Nice orchestra.

Would you like to dance?

Oh, no, Tommy. Let's just sit for a while.

I've danced more in the last few weeks
than I have in the last eight years.

My ex-husband doesn't dance.

Heh. I think I've changed my mind.

Let's try it.

[MUSIC STOPS]

- Mambo!
- Mambo?

Mambo!

Mambo!

[BAND PLAYING MAMBO MUSIC]

Olé!

[CROWD LAUGHS]

[CROWD LAUGHS]

[CROWD LAUGHS]

- Olé!
- Ole!

[MUSIC STOPS]

BOTH:
Olé!

[MUSIC RESUMES]

Ole?

[MUSIC STOPS]

[BAND PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

[HUMMING]

- Good morning, Mr. Tracey.
- Good morning.

- Good morning, Mr. Tracey.
- Good morning.

- Good morning, Mr. Tracey.
- Olé.

- Good morning, Mr. Tracey.
- Good morning.

Good morning. Pardon me. Good morning.

- Good morning, Miss Comstock.
- Good morning, Mr. Tracey.

Would you please bring me
all the Serena Corporation books

and the Nina Tracey personal tax folder
right away?

- Today, Mr. Tracey?
- Certainly today.

What's the matter with today?

But you got an extension from them
because of Mrs. Tracey's absence in Reno.

You needn't file for another month.

Yes, yours is not to reason why,
Miss Comstock.

Yours is but to finish eating
your breakfast and bring me the folder.

[CONTINUES HUMMING]

- Here you are, Mr. Tracey.
- Thank you, Miss Comstock.

Miss Comstock, any papers you bring me
are a meal in themselves.

Would you get me Mrs. Tracey
up in the country, please?

Yes, Mr. Tracey.

[CONTINUES HUMMING]

Olé! Ha-ha-ha.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Hello, is Mrs. Tra...? Uh...

Is Miss Chapman in?

I'm sorry, but she hasn't come down yet.

Oh.

Well, would you tell her,
her attorney called?

Is there any message?

Yes, ask her to call me

and ask her if she remembers
what day it is.

I'll do that.

[HUMMING]

- Good morning.
- Good morning, Miss Chapman.

I know we're having
the agency boys in at 11.

- Any other troubles?
- There was something here. Now, let's see.

- Oh, yes, your attorney called.
- My attorney?

- Yes, Mr. Tracey.
- Oh.

He was just being cute.

He wants you to call him.
And he left a message.

He said to ask you
if you remembered what day it is.

What day it is?

Oh.

April 15th.

April 15th.

What's so special about April 15th?

I don't know.

Robert's birthday is in September,
my birthday's in August.

Anniversary was in May.

Um... Maybe you'd better call him.

[CONTINUES HUMMING]

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

-Yes?
COMSTOCK: I have Miss Chapman.

Put her on, please.

- Hello?
- Hello.

I, uh... I got your message,
and I give up.

- What day is it?
- Income tax day.

Income tax day?

I thought they gave us
another month's extension.

No, no, no. I think it would be much wiser
to get at it right away.

Now, I could drive up there this evening
and we could go over the whole thing.

That is, if you're not going
to be busy or anything,

or dancing, or something.

Well, I... I do have a date.

As a matter of fact, I have two dates,

but I could get out of them.

Well, I wouldn't want
to inconvenience you.

Oh, no, no. Taxes are important.

That's very true.

How about 8:30?

Eight thirty's fine.

Good. Good. I'll see you then.

And I'll have all the canceled checks.

- Goodbye.
- Bye.

What day was it?

Income tax day.

[♪♪♪]

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

- Won't you come in?
- Thank you.

It was very nice of you
to drive all the way up here.

Well, you're a valued client.
It was a pleasure.

You're very kind.

You look lovely.

Thank you. So do you.

Thank you.

I've never seen you dress
like that before.

A waistcoat and everything.

The stripes go all the way around,
you see.

It was made in Italy.

Charlie Nelson's tailor
imports them for me.

Well, maybe we'd better
get down to business.

The papers are upstairs.
I'll show you the way.

I know the way. Heh.

Oh, yes. I forgot.

After you.

Thank you.

Watch out for the carpet. It's loose.

Oh, thank you.

I've got the canceled checks all laid out.

This is, uh, new. Heh-heh.

Yes, it is. It's round.

- It's the roundest thing I ever saw.
- Heh. Yes.

Bergdorf Goodman, Lord and Taylor,
Jean Louis, Bonwit Teller...

You seem to have had
substantial clothing bills.

Yes. One goes out so frequently now.

And one hadn't bought any clothes in years
because no one took one anywhere,

except to the movies once in a while.

I see.

Is there a check for the bed
anywhere in here?

No, no, I didn't pay for that.

It was a present from Edith.

- From Edith?
- Yes.

It's too bad you didn't pay for it.
It would have been deductible.

- Deductible?
- Office furniture.

- Ahem.
- Heh-heh-heh.

Thirty-nine dollars and forty cents
to the Arthur Murray Dance Studios.

That's an odd thing
for someone at your time of life.

- My time of life?
- These checks indicate a new

and rather frightening tendency
towards instability.

- My time of life?
- As your attorney, I suggest

that you just take it a little easy
and settle down.

- Wait. Wait a minute.
- Take it a little easy.

One hates to see
a middle-aged woman making a...

- Middle-aged?
- spectacle out of herself.

What about certain middle-aged gentlemen
who lose their heads

and go running around after girls
young enough to be their daughters,

who grow a mustache?

Let's leave my must...
What's the matter with my mustache?

Nothing, nothing, except it happens
to make you look perfectly ridiculous.

Take my advice, shave it off.

Take my advice,
get rid of this idiotic bed.

If you knew what you looked like
in that silly vest and that mustache...

You look like a gigolo.

You don't even look like a gigolo.
You look like Groucho Marx.

Maybe I should get somebody else
to look over your checks.

- What?
- Maybe I should get somebody else

to come look over your checks.
I don't think you've changed one bit.

No. I haven't changed a bit.
Neither have you.

- I'll get somebody else.
- You go right ahead and do that.

- I'd be very glad to.
- You go ahead.

Because I never want to see you again
as long as I live. Never!

- Very good!
- Very good!

[LOUD CRASHING NOISE]

Look out for the stairs.

[♪♪♪]

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Edith.

I just caught a glimpse
of the most fascinating-looking man

in the most adorable little sports car
I've ever seen.

- That was Robert.
- What was he doing here?

- He just came to go over the income tax.
- Oh.

This came this morning.

I couldn't wait to bring it to you.

Something to keep your feet warm in bed.

Open it. Open it.

What is it?

It works on AC and DC. It's round.

[CRYING]
It's beautiful.

Darling. What's the matter?

I'm miserable.

Darling, I'm going
to be very frank with you.

You cannot live alone like this.

It's not normal. It's not healthy.

You've got to find yourself
an attractive man.

Oh, no.

This is a very common problem,

and I know exactly
what Dr. Van Kessel would tell you.

"Find yourself an attractive man."

How about Rick Vidal?
He's certainly attractive.

But I'm not in love with him.

Not in love with...

Nina, you have got to stop thinking
like a high school girl.

Love, whatever that really is,
is something that occurs rarely, if ever.

Meanwhile, life must go on.

I think, maybe,
I'm still in love with Robert.

Nonsense. That's just a neurotic refusal
to face the facts.

I'm sure Dr. Van Kessel would agree.

What you must do is coolly and carefully

select a man who is attractive to you,
then go after him.

Think of it as medicinal,
something that has to be done.

You can't go on this way much longer,
you know.

No. I can't go on like this.
I really can't.

Oh, uh, would you mind taking the car?

I love this game.
An excellent outlet for aggressions.

- It's pretty good exercise too.
- Ah!

Each time I hit the ball,

I pretend in my mind that I'm
in fact hitting one of my patients.

- You're a doctor, then?
- Psychoanalyst.

This for you, dear lady, on the head,
where it'll do the most good.

- My ex-wife!
- My last patient!

My ex-mother-in-law, right in the head!

My last patient again!

That's all.
I'm getting too old for this game.

I've enjoyed it very much.
My aggressions are gone.

Me too.

By the way, if you'd ever like
a return match, my name's Tracey.

Van Kessel.

- Robert Tracey?
- Dr. Van Kessel. Heh.

I'm embarrassed.
I've said too much. I had no idea.

No, no, no. I'm through with her
and her miserable mother.

Dr. Van Kessel! There is one thing, doc.

I've gone out with other girls
and I'm not interested.

Now, what should I do about that?

- You must try again.
- Huh?

Try harder. It's absolutely essential.
Now, take squash, for example.

This is no substitute for the community
interests and activities to be found in...

[♪♪♪]

Ooh!

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

[GRUMBLES]

Well... Heh. Good evening.
Won't you come in? Heh.

- You bet.
- Ahem.

- Well, it certainly has been a long time.
- Mm-hm.

Do you know that I wasn't even sure
who it was when you first called me?

- Yeah?
- Then, when I was getting dressed,

it suddenly hit me.

I told my girlfriend,
"I'll bet I know who it is.

I'll bet it's that sad-faced friend
of Charlie Nelson's."

And my girlfriend says,
"You mean, Old No lce?"

- I said, "Yeah, I'll bet it's him."
- I've got plenty of ice tonight.

I said, "He was pretty cute in some ways.

- He's having some kind of party."
- Mm-hm.

So my girlfriend says, "Don't kid me.

You've had big eyes for him
ever since that night with the no ice."

You seem different somehow.

Well... Won't you? Ahem.

You know, I just wish
you'd have called me five minutes earlier

because I already opened
a can of spaghetti,

so I just stuck it in the icebox.

- Do you think it'll keep?
- Forever.

- Maybe she was right, my girlfriend.
- Hm?

Maybe I did have big eyes for you
all the time, and I just didn't know it.

Since this is a party... Ahem.

Gee. Gee, thanks.

How about that?

It's a white orchid.

Gee! Let's see. Where can we pin it?

Well, I have some Scotch tape
in the kitchen, maybe we... Ha-ha-ha.

Let's just wear it some other time.

Take it with you when you leave.
If you leave.

- Okay. I'll keep it in the icebox.
- With the spaghetti?

It sounds like a popular song, doesn't it?

♪ Orchids, spaghetti and you ♪♪

- You're getting cuter every minute.
- Yeah?

Ooh, a tiger skin!

- Where'd you get it? In Africa?
- No. Philadelphia.

That's part of a stage set
for Charlie's play that closed there.

Gee, a tiger skin.

You know, when I was a little girl,

I used to think how romantic it would be

to have a date with a fella
with a tiger skin.

Let's have some wine.

The champagne must be cold by now.

That's the biggest bottle of champagne
I ever saw in my life.

- It was the large economy size.
- Heh.

In some ways, you're even more of a scream
than Charlie Nelson.

That's the nicest thing
that anybody ever said to me.

Would you mind
if I sat on your tiger skin a minute?

I'm just dying to try it.

Well, that's what it's for.

You know, this is just wonderful.

I'm so glad you asked me.

The champagne and the flowers,
the tiger skin.

Who's all coming?

Just you and me.

Well, that's such a corny one!

You know,
Charlie Nelson pulled that one on me

- the first night I ever met him.
- Yeah.

He says, "Come on over,
we're gonna have a big party

with drinking and necking
and carrying on."

Well, I just bit for it like a big dope.

I says, "Sounds wonderful!
Who's all gonna be there?"

- And he says, "Just you and me."
- You and me. Yeah.

I tell you, I just laughed.
You know, Charlie really flips me.

But I like the way you said it better.

You sounded like you were,
you know, serious.

Yeah, well, I'm serious, all right.

Boing!

- Boing?
- Yeah, boing!

I'm so glad I was free tonight.

You know, I had a date with Charlie,
but he called me up and he broke it.

Good old Charlie.

He had a conference
with some girl he knows,

- a writer up in Westport.
- Mm?

If he hadn't had this conference, I...

- What writer up in Westport?
- I don't know.

She just got a divorce or something.

She was married
to one of his best friends.

- He's going up there to keep her company.
- Wait, keep her company?

Yeah, he was gonna play Pony Express.

That's a joke Charlie has.
You know what a riot he is.

Say, what's the matter with you, anyway?

I'm sorry,
I just remembered a previous engagement.

I've got to get up there right away.
If you wouldn't mind waiting. I'm sorry.

You could go to a movie. I'm sorry!

It's gonna be fine.

He's really very attractive,
in his own way.

Heh. I never realized how amusing he is.

I had lunch with him twice.

I never stopped laughing the whole time.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

You look pretty good, kid,
for an unmarried American female.

If I only don't scare him off. Or panic.

I won't panic! I will not panic.

I will not panic.

I will not...

panic.

[♪♪♪]

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

- Charlie!
- Nina!

Hey, man, you smell good.

Well, I certainly should at $35 an ounce.

It was sweet of you
to drive all the way up here

to visit an unmarried, poor,
old widow lady like me.

Well, that's Charlie Nelson,
the friend of widows and orphans.

Come on in.
I'm just in the midst of making martinis.

Martinis?

I've got glasses
in the icebox to chill. Is that right?

Well, that's imperative.
That's absolutely crucial.

When I get up in the morning,
the first thing I do is brush my teeth.

The second thing,
I put the glasses in to chill.

Well, you know the way.
Would you like to get them for me?

Sure. Your wish is my command.

Two parts gin...

One.

Two.

To one part vermouth.

One.

Does that look about the right color?

Magnificent. Ash blond,
very beautiful. Uh...

- Two-to-one? Mm-hm.
- Yes.

This is my maiden effort.

Certainly hope it turns out all right.

Well, luck.

Luck.

Is it all right?

It's wonderful.

[COUGHING]

There's something
the matter with it, I can tell.

I did something wrong.
Probably bruised the gin.

Would you tell me
how you can possibly bruise gin?

No, no, the gin's fine.
There's not a mark on it. Heh.

Then what?

Well, I was just thinking about you,
that's all.

Oh. About me.

Yeah. Some girls are sort of, uh,
well, dismal.

Everybody says,
"What she needs is a husband."

With you, it worked out the other way.

What you needed was no husband.

You know,
I can't get over a girl like you.

So you have to get up
and answer the phone yourself.

What?

Well, that's just a joke.

- Oh! Ha-ha-ha.
- Heh-heh.

I use that sometimes. I don't know
how it happened to pop out right now.

It's part of the famous
Charlie Nelson technique.

I don't know why I should be
using it on you though.

I don't know why you shouldn't.

Tell me more about
the famous Charlie Nelson technique.

Is it really famous?

Well, uh, yes, it's pretty well known.

You see, basically, the world is divided
into the criers and the laughers.

There are subdivisions, of course,
like the whiners and the gigglers,

but, basically,
there are the two major schools.

Schools of what?

Well, to put it as delicately as possible,
of getting a young lady

into a receptive mood for, uh,
you know, romance.

What it amounts to is this.

You can laugh them into it,
or you can cry them into it.

One way or the other,
but there's no middle ground.

That's remarkable.
I was married for eight years

and I never heard about that.

Well, you understand,
I'm giving you in a nutshell

what has taken me
years and years to isolate.

Take the crier, for instance.

Everybody knows the crier has
a distinct advantage

because you feel sorry for him.

He can't live without you. He can't eat.

He can't think. He can't sleep.
His business is going to pieces.

And if you don't take pity on him,
he'll kill himself.

It's terrible.

Successful criers are
almost always married.

I don't know why that is, exactly.

- It's amazing.
- Yeah.

Then you take the whiners.

Now, there. There is sheer, naked power.

A whiner can't miss because he knows
he's not good enough for you.

He knows he's old and fat and ugly
while you're young and slim and beautiful.

He knows how hopeless the whole thing is.

He doesn't blame you
for not having anything to do with him.

Doesn't even offer to kill himself.

He just sits there
and whines and whines and whines.

- It's very effective.
- It is?

Sure. After two hours
of well-thought-out whining,

a girl will do almost anything
to shut him up.

I've always been a laugher myself.
I'm... Just a little harder in a way,

takes a little more style, you know?

But in the end, if you can bring it off,

it's vastly more rewarding.

Well, the lecture's over for now.
We'll have a quiz later on, maybe. I...

Right now,
I think I have to have another drink.

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot.

I'm really, terribly sorry.

- I think there's enough for both of us.
- Good.

I'll kill him.

I could, and no court in the country
would convict me.

Under the unwritten law,
a man could Kill, if necessary,

to protect his own wife. Of course,
she's not my wife, she's my ex-wife.

I wonder if the unwritten law
applies for ex-wives too.

Oh, I don't care. I really don't.

You know, Nina, you and I have known
each other a long time.

Yes, we have.

Somehow, I used to get the impression
that you didn't quite approve of me.

I didn't. I thought you were
a bad influence on Robert.

I was. I'm a bad influence on everybody.

I don't know why though.
I'm really a pretty harmless fellow.

- Charlie?
- Hm?

Make me laugh.

Hm?

What?

I'm interested.
I want to see if it really works.

If what really works?

You know,
if you can really laugh a girl into a,

you know, receptive mood.

Lady, how long have you been working
on these martinis?

- This is only my second one.
- Wow.

- What's the matter?
- Did I have the wrong number!

- Why?
- Well, I always thought...

I mean, I always figured you
as sort of a royal pain and...

- I'm sorry, I didn't mean...
- No, no. That's all right, I understand.

- And in a way I think it's rather sweet.
- You do?

- Yes.
- You know something? I'm awed.

- Awed?
- Yeah. Awed.

- Why?
- Well, I... You...

You should see some of the dames
I run around with.

I always figured you were sort of,
you know, different.

In a lot of ways,
I'm really pretty much of a heel.

A person like you should never have
anything to do with a person like me.

Bobby would never approve of this.

Look, baby, what I'm trying
to tell you is that, uh,

I'm not good enough for you.

You're a smart, beautiful girl
with a lot of class, and...

- Charlie.
- What?

You're whining.

Hey.

How do you like that? Me, of all people.

Well, anyway...

Would you like another drink?

No, I don't think so.

Would you?

No, I don't think so.

I've thought about that. I've wondered
what it would be like to kiss you.

- You have? My goodness.
- For years. Ever since I've known you.

I thought you said, you know,
I was pretty much of a royal pain.

- I was crazy out of my mind.
- Actually, you know the funny part is,

I really am,
when you get to know me.

- I'm a pretty much of a royal pain.
- Just crazy.

Charlie, wait a minute.
Couldn't we just talk this over?

I think maybe there's been some mistake.

On my part, of course,
I admit that freely.

Oh, darling.

Charlie, I panicked.
I swore I wouldn't, but I have.

Charlie, please, I can't!

I realize this is very unfair to you,
but it's just no use. I can't.

- Darling.
- I tried, I mean, I certainly tried,

- but I can't.
- Darling.

Charlie, it's not you, it's me.

The whole thing is my fault.
I'm the first one to admit it.

Aah! Charlie!
Can't we talk this over calmly?

A mistake has been made.
A ghastly mistake. An error in judgment.

Darling.

Charlie, you're absolutely right.
I am too good for you.

No, you're not. It'll work.
We'll make it work.

- Charlie, I'll call Robert!
- But it'll work.

- I'm serious.
- I'll make it work.

This has got to stop.
I'm serious. I'll scream!

Some of them are weepers,
some of them are talkers.

Some of them are screamers.

I always liked the screamers.
They're more of a challenge.

[YELPS]

My best friend. If he's done anything
to her, I'll kill him, that's all.

I'll kill him in cold blood.
I'll kill him.

[♪♪♪]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[PHONE RINGING]

EDITH: Am I interrupting anything?
If I am, I'll call back.

No. No, you're not interrupting a thing.

Well, how did it go?

It was terrible. Just terrible.

I practically had to call the police
to get rid of him.

EDITH: But I don't understand.
NINA: I panicked.

- Panicked?
- Yes, and I'll tell you something else.

I'll always panic and I'm glad of it.

I found out something.

I love Robert.

I've always loved him
and I always will love him.

I never should have divorced him
in the first place.

It's nobody's fault but my own,
listening to you and Dr. Van Kessel.

EDITH:
Hysteria. Simple hysteria.

I want Robert back.

I may not be able to get him back,
but if I do get him back,

I'm gonna handle my own problems
and not be influenced by anyone.

[♪♪♪]

- Hello.
- Hello.

I hope you didn't bruise the gin.

[WHOOSHES]

Got her working pretty good.

Only thing is,
it still makes that funny noise.

Kind of goes whoosh.

- I'll get a little oil and fix that up.
- That won't be necessary.

No. No, we like it fine.
Just the way it is.

Well, okay.

I, uh...

I beg your pardon.

- Can I ask you something?
- Yeah, sure.

- You two kids newlyweds?
- That's right. We just got married.

Ha-ha. I could tell.
I could tell right away.

- Yeah?
- Well, good luck to you.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

-Bye-bye.
ROBERT: Bye.

HANDYMAN:
See you later. Best of luck to you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

- Whoosh!
- Whoosh!

[WHOOSHES]

[BOTH LAUGH]

[♪♪♪]