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It's great seeing you
again. This is a big night. The
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00:00:16,715 --> 00:00:17,916
again. This is a big night. The
fans want you, everyone wants
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00:00:17,917 --> 00:00:22,787
fans want you, everyone wants
you, but it's not your night.
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You, but it's not your night.
Sorry, drew. Brady?
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Sorry, drew. Brady?
Yeah, coach?
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Yeah, coach?
You're in. Let's go.
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You're in. Let's go.
Let's go.
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Let's go.
You fucking kidding me?
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You fucking kidding me?
Again?
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00:01:05,063 --> 00:01:09,434
Now, live from the Netflix
is a joke festival. It's the
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is a joke festival. It's the
greatest roast of all time.
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Greatest roast of all time.
Let's bring in the man bravest
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let's bring in the man bravest
to step into the arena with the
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to step into the arena with the
goat. Get on your feet for the
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goat. Get on your feet for the
one and only Kevin hart! [
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one and only Kevin hart! [
Music
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one and only Kevin hart! [ Cheering
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one and only Kevin hart!
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Yeah!
You have to do better than
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you have to do better than
that, Los Angeles. Make some
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that, Los Angeles. Make some
noise! [ Cheering
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that, Los Angeles. Make some
noise!
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I love this. I love this. Sit
down. Sit down. Sit down.
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Down. Sit down. Sit down.
Welcome. Welcome, guys. I want
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welcome. Welcome, guys. I want
to say good evening and more
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to say good evening and more
importantly, I want to welcome
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importantly, I want to welcome
you to the greatest roast of
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you to the greatest roast of
all time. Understand what I
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all time. Understand what I
just said. The greatest roast
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just said. The greatest roast
of all time. There you go.
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Of all time. There you go.
That's what I want. That's
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that's what I want. That's
what I want. Guys, we are here
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what I want. Guys, we are here
to roast the greatest
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to roast the greatest
quarterback of all time. [
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quarterback of all time. [
Cheering
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quarterback of all time. Yeah. Wait, Joe
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Yeah. Wait, Joe
Montana's here? Is it Joe
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Montana's here? Is it Joe
Montana or is it... okay, well,
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Montana or is it... okay, well,
you know what, guys, we're
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you know what, guys, we're
live. If it's not Joe Montana,
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live. If it's not Joe Montana,
then it should be worded
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then it should be worded
differently. If it's Tom
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differently. If it's Tom
Brady, then we should say we're
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Brady, then we should say we're
talking about one of the
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talking about one of the
greatest to do it, not the
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greatest to do it, not the
greatest. The greatest is Joe
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greatest. The greatest is Joe
Montana. Okay, that's good.
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Montana. Okay, that's good.
That's good. That's good.
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That's good. That's good.
Okay. All right. Corrections
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okay. All right. Corrections
are made. Guys, we are live. We
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are made. Guys, we are live. We
are live here in engelwood at
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are live here in engelwood at
the kia forum, the legendary
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the kia forum, the legendary
kia forum. It's a lot of
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kia forum. It's a lot of
history attached to this place,
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history attached to this place,
man. A lot of greatness has
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man. A lot of greatness has
happened in this building. This
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happened in this building. This
is the home of the original
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is the home of the original
show time Lakers, man. Jerry
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show time Lakers, man. Jerry
bus. Yes. Yes. You know, a lot
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bus. Yes. Yes. You know, a lot
of people don't know the real
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of people don't know the real
reason behind the name show
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reason behind the name show
time, right? It's not because
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time, right? It's not because
of like magic and karim and
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of like magic and karim and
their play. They call this
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their play. They call this
place showtime because Jerry
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place showtime because Jerry
bus used to show everybody his
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bus used to show everybody his
dick in this building. This is
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dick in this building. This is
where Jerry pulled his dick
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where Jerry pulled his dick
out. A lot of nasty shit has
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out. A lot of nasty shit has
happened in this building. A
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happened in this building. A
lot of fucking has happened in
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lot of fucking has happened in
the forum. That's what they
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the forum. That's what they
called it. The fucking forum is
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called it. The fucking forum is
what they called it. I wish I
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what they called it. I wish I
had a blacklight right now, so
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had a blacklight right now, so
you can see all the cum stains
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you can see all the cum stains
sitting on these nasty ass
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sitting on these nasty ass
seats. It's a nasty place. [
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seats. It's a nasty place. [
Laughter
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seats. It's a nasty place. That's right.
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Seats. It's a nasty
place. That's right. You
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That's right. You
better get comfortable being
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better get comfortable being
uncomfortable, baby. Now right
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uncomfortable, baby. Now right
now you guys are probably
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now you guys are probably
asking yourself. You're saying
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asking yourself. You're saying
why didn't we go to the
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why didn't we go to the
crypto. Com arena downtown?
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Crypto.com arena downtown?
Well, the reason we didn't go
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well, the reason we didn't go
there is we didn't want to
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there is we didn't want to
remind Tom's fans how much
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remind Tom's fans how much
money he owes them. He fucked
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money he owes them. He fucked
those people. Tom fucked those
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those people. Tom fucked those
people. Yes, he did. He fucked
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people. Yes, he did. He fucked
them good, didn't he? Wow. Tom
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them good, didn't he? Wow. Tom
brought Boston with him
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brought Boston with him
tonight. Holy shit. Look at
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tonight. Holy shit. Look at
this. Goddam. I've never seen
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this. Goddam. I've never seen
engelwood so white. Jesus
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engelwood so white. Jesus
Christ. [ Laughter
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engelwood so white. Jesus
Christ.
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Engelwood so white. Jesus
Christ. It's so
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Christ. It's so
fucking white out there. Jesus
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fucking white out there. Jesus
Christ. It used to be home of
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Christ. It used to be home of
the Lakers. Now it's home of
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the Lakers. Now it's home of
the quakers. What the fuck is
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the quakers. What the fuck is
going on? This is so bad. Tom
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going on? This is so bad. Tom
is going to have to kick those
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is going to have to kick those
racist jokes tonight. He's
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racist jokes tonight. He's
going to have to kick them.
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Going to have to kick them.
It's going to be hard. I saw
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it's going to be hard. I saw
the white water fountain in the
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the white water fountain in the
back. I did. I did. I did. Fuck
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back. I did. I did. I did. Fuck
you, Tom. [ Laughter
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back. I did. I did. I did. Fuck
you, Tom. All
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you, Tom. All
right, I'm just going to keep
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right, I'm just going to keep
randomly saying fuck you, Tom.
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Randomly saying fuck you, Tom.
The good thing about the
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the good thing about the
bathroom, the whole situation
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bathroom, the whole situation
will be fine. It will be
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will be fine. It will be
settled. But guys, there's
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settled. But guys, there's
good parts to the show tonight.
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Good parts to the show tonight.
I'll tell you what the good
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I'll tell you what the good
parts are. The good parts are
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parts are. The good parts are
attached to Tom Brady. Now
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attached to Tom Brady. Now
before I cut his legs out.
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Before I cut his legs out.
Before I take what he has
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before I take what he has
underneath him, I actually want
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underneath him, I actually want
to give him some ground to
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to give him some ground to
stand on, okay? I actually want
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stand on, okay? I actually want
to address the fact that Tom
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to address the fact that Tom
Brady truly is the goat. Let's
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Brady truly is the goat. Let's
talk about this man's success.
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Talk about this man's success.
Let's talk about it. Let's
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let's talk about it. Let's
talk about it. 23 seasons,
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talk about it. 23 seasons,
seven super bowl wins, seven!
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Seven super bowl wins, seven!
Yes. A three-time NFL mvp.
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Yes. A three-time NFL mvp.
Goddam. Guys, hearing me say it
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goddam. Guys, hearing me say it
is one thing, but you're
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is one thing, but you're
actually seeing it for yourself
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actually seeing it for yourself
is another. Take a look.
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And we're about set to go,
110,000 settling in here at
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110,000 settling in here at
historic Michigan stadium. Take
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historic Michigan stadium. Take
a look at Tom Brady from
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a look at Tom Brady from
Michigan. The most underrated
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Michigan. The most underrated
college quarterback in the
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college quarterback in the
country. The crowd is on its
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country. The crowd is on its
feet. Brady takes the snap,
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feet. Brady takes the snap,
draws back to throw, fires.
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Draws back to throw, fires.
Touchdown, patriots. What a
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touchdown, patriots. What a
throw from Tom Brady. Let's go!
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The poorest way to face life
is to face it with a sneer.
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Many men feel a kind of twisted
pride and cynicism. It's not
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pride and cynicism. It's not
the critic that counts. It's
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the critic that counts. It's
not the man who points out, but
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not the man who points out, but
how the strong man stumbles.
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How the strong man stumbles.
The credit belongs to the man
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the credit belongs to the man
who is actually in the arena.
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Who is actually in the arena.
Who strives. Whose face is by
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who strives. Whose face is by
sweat, dust, and blood. Again
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sweat, dust, and blood. Again
and again.
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And again.
Oh my goodness.
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Oh my goodness.
Tom Brady took a tremendous
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Tom Brady took a tremendous hit.
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Hit.
But if he fails, at least he
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00:07:03,789 --> 00:07:04,022
but if he fails, at least he
fails.
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Fails.
The thing we know about
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the thing we know about
Brady is that a comeback is
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00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:11,028
Brady is that a comeback is
always possible.
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Always possible.
So that his place shall
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so that his place shall
never be, those cold and timid
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never be, those cold and timid
souls, neither know victory nor
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souls, neither know victory nor
defeat.
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[ Music
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Ladies and gentlemen, please
get on your goddam feet, and
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get on your goddam feet, and
right now help me welcome the
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right now help me welcome the
fucking goat. The best
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fucking goat. The best
quarterback ever to do it, Tom
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00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:53,672
quarterback ever to do it, Tom
Brady! [ Cheering
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00:07:53,673 --> 00:08:00,612
quarterback ever to do it, Tom
Brady!
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00:08:23,501 --> 00:08:26,872
Thank you. Thank you. Thank
you. Thank you, guys. Thank
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00:08:26,873 --> 00:08:34,873
you. Thank you, guys. Thank
you. Thank you.
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Thank you.
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00:08:47,025 --> 00:08:53,999
Thank you. All right. Are you
guys ready? [ Cheering
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thank you. All right. Are you
guys ready?
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Guys ready?
Because I am. It's game time.
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Because I am. It's game time.
Let's go.
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All right. All right. Tom,
get all your guys settled down.
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Get all your guys settled down.
That's right, it's go time.
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That's right, it's go time.
What a crazy night, Tom.
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00:09:19,090 --> 00:09:19,791
What a crazy night, Tom.
Crazy.
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Crazy.
It's finally here, man.
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00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:22,826
It's finally here, man.
It's finally here. You know,
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00:09:22,827 --> 00:09:25,930
it's finally here. You know,
Tom, this is crazy because for
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00:09:25,931 --> 00:09:27,698
Tom, this is crazy because for
more than 20 years, time has
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00:09:27,699 --> 00:09:30,033
more than 20 years, time has
ruled Sunday for football fans
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00:09:30,034 --> 00:09:32,702
ruled Sunday for football fans
all over the country. All over
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00:09:32,703 --> 00:09:33,338
all over the country. All over
the country. But tonight,
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00:09:33,339 --> 00:09:34,638
the country. But tonight,
tonight or tonight we're going
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00:09:34,639 --> 00:09:38,074
tonight or tonight we're going
to ruin yours, Tom. I'm going
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00:09:38,075 --> 00:09:38,710
to ruin yours, Tom. I'm going
to ruin your fucking Sunday. We
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00:09:38,711 --> 00:09:41,378
to ruin your fucking Sunday. We
are here, we are here to honor
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00:09:41,379 --> 00:09:42,178
are here, we are here to honor
this man tonight. Man, there's
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00:09:42,179 --> 00:09:44,915
this man tonight. Man, there's
a room full of friends and
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00:09:44,916 --> 00:09:45,684
a room full of friends and
family. I'm looking around.
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00:09:45,685 --> 00:09:46,951
Family. I'm looking around.
It's insane. I want to let you
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00:09:46,952 --> 00:09:49,787
it's insane. I want to let you
know, Tom, off the back because
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00:09:49,788 --> 00:09:51,188
know, Tom, off the back because
that's not why I'm here. I'm
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00:09:51,189 --> 00:09:52,157
that's not why I'm here. I'm
not here for your support. I'm
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00:09:52,158 --> 00:09:53,958
not here for your support. I'm
here for the money. They paid
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00:09:53,959 --> 00:09:56,260
here for the money. They paid
me well, right? Let's just get
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00:09:56,261 --> 00:09:57,595
me well, right? Let's just get
that out. They paid me very,
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00:09:57,596 --> 00:09:59,597
that out. They paid me very,
very well, Tom. I'm also here
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00:09:59,598 --> 00:10:02,231
very well, Tom. I'm also here
to do a little promo hits here
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00:10:02,232 --> 00:10:04,669
to do a little promo hits here
and there. I'm on tour. It's
215
00:10:04,670 --> 00:10:07,605
and there. I'm on tour. It's
called acting my age. Go to
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00:10:07,606 --> 00:10:08,306
called acting my age. Go to
kevinhartnation.Com. It's a
217
00:10:08,307 --> 00:10:09,473
kevinhartnation.com. It's a
live audience. Why would I not
218
00:10:09,474 --> 00:10:12,543
live audience. Why would I not
take advantage of this moment,
219
00:10:12,544 --> 00:10:13,345
take advantage of this moment,
Tom? It's not about you. Fuck
220
00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:15,913
Tom? It's not about you. Fuck
you. It's the second of Kevin.
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00:10:15,914 --> 00:10:17,481
You. It's the second of Kevin.
Now I think we do have to
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00:10:17,482 --> 00:10:18,849
now I think we do have to
track, Tom, where you are in
223
00:10:18,850 --> 00:10:20,351
track, Tom, where you are in
your life right now, man. I
224
00:10:20,352 --> 00:10:21,752
your life right now, man. I
want to congratulate you, Tom,
225
00:10:21,753 --> 00:10:23,454
want to congratulate you, Tom,
because a peaceful life is what
226
00:10:23,455 --> 00:10:25,521
because a peaceful life is what
you're now living and that's
227
00:10:25,522 --> 00:10:26,724
you're now living and that's
a big deal. A big deal. It's
228
00:10:26,725 --> 00:10:30,828
a big deal. A big deal. It's
been two years, two years since
229
00:10:30,829 --> 00:10:31,396
been two years, two years since
Tom's gotten divorced, right?
230
00:10:31,397 --> 00:10:35,866
Tom's gotten divorced, right?
Two years. Two years. And since
231
00:10:35,867 --> 00:10:38,469
two years. Two years. And since
then, since then, Tom has been
232
00:10:38,470 --> 00:10:39,004
then, since then, Tom has been
fucking. He's been fucking,
233
00:10:39,005 --> 00:10:46,010
fucking. He's been fucking,
yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
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00:10:46,011 --> 00:10:47,711
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
Tom's been putting that
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Tom's been putting that
two-inch two to work. Yep, yep.
236
00:10:50,782 --> 00:10:53,917
Two-inch two to work. Yep, yep.
Yes, he has. Tom's been
237
00:10:53,918 --> 00:10:55,953
yes, he has. Tom's been
fucking so much that his dick
238
00:10:55,954 --> 00:11:01,492
fucking so much that his dick
has cte. Yeah. Yeah. Most
239
00:11:01,493 --> 00:11:03,627
has cte. Yeah. Yeah. Most
people get stds, Tom gets ctes,
240
00:11:03,628 --> 00:11:04,628
people get stds, Tom gets ctes,
yeah, it's the difference.
241
00:11:04,629 --> 00:11:05,928
Yeah, it's the difference.
Good for you though, Tom. By
242
00:11:05,929 --> 00:11:07,765
good for you though, Tom. By
the way, single life is what
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00:11:07,766 --> 00:11:10,601
the way, single life is what
you deserve because you had no
244
00:11:10,602 --> 00:11:12,369
you deserve because you had no
choice. Gisele gave you an
245
00:11:12,370 --> 00:11:13,171
choice. Gisele gave you an
ultimatum. Gisele said you
246
00:11:13,171 --> 00:11:14,139
ultimatum. Gisele said you
retire or we're done. That's
247
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:16,073
retire or we're done. That's
what she said to you, Tom. You
248
00:11:16,074 --> 00:11:19,643
what she said to you, Tom. You
retire or we're done. Let me
249
00:11:19,644 --> 00:11:21,944
retire or we're done. Let me
tell you something. When you've
250
00:11:21,945 --> 00:11:24,381
tell you something. When you've
got a chance to go 8 in 9, and
251
00:11:24,382 --> 00:11:26,417
got a chance to go 8 in 9, and
all it will cost you is your
252
00:11:26,418 --> 00:11:27,484
all it will cost you is your
wife and kids, you've got to do
253
00:11:27,485 --> 00:11:29,185
wife and kids, you've got to do
what the fuck you've got to
254
00:11:29,186 --> 00:11:32,823
what the fuck you've got to
do. Do you understand me? Yeah.
255
00:11:32,824 --> 00:11:35,391
Do. Do you understand me? Yeah.
You've got to do it. You've
256
00:11:35,392 --> 00:11:37,661
you've got to do it. You've
got to do it. You know what
257
00:11:37,662 --> 00:11:40,198
got to do it. You know what
that's called, Tom? You know
258
00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:42,332
that's called, Tom? You know
what that's called? That's
259
00:11:42,333 --> 00:11:45,469
what that's called? That's
called real nigga shit. That's
260
00:11:45,470 --> 00:11:46,603
called real nigga shit. That's
what it's called, Tom. Yes,
261
00:11:46,604 --> 00:11:51,508
what it's called, Tom. Yes,
Tom. Fuck them kids. Shit. [
262
00:11:51,509 --> 00:11:51,543
Tom. Fuck them kids. Shit. [
Laughter
263
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:55,312
Tom. Fuck them kids. Shit. Yeah. You asked
264
00:11:55,313 --> 00:11:55,378
Tom. Fuck them kids.
Shit. Yeah. You asked me
265
00:11:55,379 --> 00:11:56,580
Yeah. You asked me
to come here, bitch. I told you
266
00:11:56,581 --> 00:11:59,483
to come here, bitch. I told you
what I was going to do. This is
267
00:11:59,484 --> 00:12:01,418
what I was going to do. This is
also a good time to say man, I
268
00:12:01,419 --> 00:12:03,019
also a good time to say man, I
love the fact you and Gisele
269
00:12:03,020 --> 00:12:04,722
love the fact you and Gisele
are finding a way to co-parent
270
00:12:04,723 --> 00:12:06,724
are finding a way to co-parent
and still keep it together,
271
00:12:06,725 --> 00:12:09,859
and still keep it together,
man. Gisele is here supporting
272
00:12:09,860 --> 00:12:11,695
man. Gisele is here supporting
you tonight. But just for full
273
00:12:11,696 --> 00:12:12,963
you tonight. But just for full
transparency, she came as
274
00:12:12,964 --> 00:12:13,865
transparency, she came as
Antonio brown's plus one. How
275
00:12:13,866 --> 00:12:20,671
Antonio brown's plus one. How
is that? What? What? What? What
276
00:12:20,672 --> 00:12:25,375
is that? What? What? What? What
did I say? What did I say? I'm
277
00:12:25,376 --> 00:12:28,645
did I say? What did I say? I'm
just here to have a good time.
278
00:12:28,646 --> 00:12:30,714
Just here to have a good time.
Before you can get comfortable,
279
00:12:30,715 --> 00:12:31,949
before you can get comfortable,
you've got to get
280
00:12:31,950 --> 00:12:33,983
you've got to get
uncomfortable. I'm removing
281
00:12:33,984 --> 00:12:35,352
uncomfortable. I'm removing
the discomfort from this room.
282
00:12:35,353 --> 00:12:36,087
The discomfort from this room.
Speaking of discomfort, let's
283
00:12:36,088 --> 00:12:37,388
speaking of discomfort, let's
talk about bill belichick for a
284
00:12:37,389 --> 00:12:42,626
talk about bill belichick for a
second. Tom, just a good
285
00:12:42,627 --> 00:12:44,361
second. Tom, just a good
Segway, man. You know, the
286
00:12:44,362 --> 00:12:46,630
Segway, man. You know, the
world knows you left bill
287
00:12:46,631 --> 00:12:47,365
world knows you left bill
belichick high and dry, man.
288
00:12:47,366 --> 00:12:48,999
Belichick high and dry, man.
You left him, and then you went
289
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,368
you left him, and then you went
to tampa and you won a
290
00:12:51,369 --> 00:12:52,737
to tampa and you won a
championship. Holy shit. Holy
291
00:12:52,738 --> 00:13:00,611
championship. Holy shit. Holy
shit. You left bill belichick
292
00:13:00,612 --> 00:13:02,178
shit. You left bill belichick
with Mac Jones. God damn. Oh,
293
00:13:02,179 --> 00:13:02,981
with Mac Jones. God damn. Oh,
you fucked him. You fucked him
294
00:13:02,982 --> 00:13:06,116
you fucked him. You fucked him
good. You did. You did, Tom.
295
00:13:06,117 --> 00:13:07,617
Good. You did. You did, Tom.
You fucked your coach. But let
296
00:13:07,618 --> 00:13:08,819
you fucked your coach. But let
me tell you something, people.
297
00:13:08,820 --> 00:13:09,554
Me tell you something, people.
Let me tell you something.
298
00:13:09,555 --> 00:13:11,621
Let me tell you something.
That's what you've got to do
299
00:13:11,622 --> 00:13:13,090
that's what you've got to do
to maintain your happiness. Do
300
00:13:13,091 --> 00:13:13,823
to maintain your happiness. Do
you understand? You sometimes
301
00:13:13,824 --> 00:13:14,793
you understand? You sometimes
got to fuck your coach. You
302
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:19,062
got to fuck your coach. You
know who else fucked that
303
00:13:19,063 --> 00:13:20,931
know who else fucked that
coach? Gisele. She fucked that
304
00:13:20,932 --> 00:13:21,833
coach? Gisele. She fucked that
karate man. Nope, nope. Listen.
305
00:13:21,834 --> 00:13:24,469
Karate man. Nope, nope. Listen.
What? What? [ Laughter
306
00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:31,142
karate man. Nope, nope. Listen.
What? What?
307
00:13:35,813 --> 00:13:40,583
What an idiot. Why would you do
this? What an idiot. All right.
308
00:13:40,584 --> 00:13:42,051
This? What an idiot. All right.
I mean Jesus Christ, Tom. One
309
00:13:42,052 --> 00:13:43,720
I mean Jesus Christ, Tom. One
of the smartest quarterbacks
310
00:13:43,721 --> 00:13:46,022
of the smartest quarterbacks
ever played a game. How did you
311
00:13:46,023 --> 00:13:48,192
ever played a game. How did you
not see this coming? Eight
312
00:13:48,193 --> 00:13:49,827
not see this coming? Eight
fucking karate classes a day.
313
00:13:49,828 --> 00:13:57,828
Fucking karate classes a day.
Eight karate classes a day.
314
00:14:03,441 --> 00:14:09,880
Eight karate classes a day, and
she is still... fuck, Tom. The
315
00:14:09,881 --> 00:14:12,382
she is still... fuck, Tom. The
only bruises she has weren't on
316
00:14:12,383 --> 00:14:14,218
only bruises she has weren't on
her ass. Everybody should have
317
00:14:14,219 --> 00:14:17,486
her ass. Everybody should have
known it. All right, you got to
318
00:14:17,487 --> 00:14:18,621
known it. All right, you got to
get uncomfortable. Oh my god,
319
00:14:18,622 --> 00:14:19,357
get uncomfortable. Oh my god,
the scariest part about this,
320
00:14:19,358 --> 00:14:21,825
the scariest part about this,
guys, if we have any problems,
321
00:14:21,826 --> 00:14:22,694
guys, if we have any problems,
I'm worried for you. Jesus
322
00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:24,061
I'm worried for you. Jesus
Christ, you can't lose any
323
00:14:24,062 --> 00:14:25,895
Christ, you can't lose any
fight to the bonus dad. Kids
324
00:14:25,896 --> 00:14:28,966
fight to the bonus dad. Kids
are going to have to change
325
00:14:28,967 --> 00:14:31,335
are going to have to change
their name to the guy knows
326
00:14:31,336 --> 00:14:32,070
their name to the guy knows
karate. I can't help this guy.
327
00:14:32,071 --> 00:14:33,837
Karate. I can't help this guy.
Everybody is asking the same
328
00:14:33,838 --> 00:14:35,505
everybody is asking the same
question right now and that
329
00:14:35,506 --> 00:14:36,740
question right now and that
question is who the fuck are
330
00:14:36,741 --> 00:14:37,908
question is who the fuck are
these people behind me? Um,
331
00:14:37,909 --> 00:14:39,710
these people behind me? Um,
here is a good time to tell you
332
00:14:39,711 --> 00:14:40,345
here is a good time to tell you
the truth. We're live. We told
333
00:14:40,346 --> 00:14:42,778
the truth. We're live. We told
you guys there would be a lot
334
00:14:42,779 --> 00:14:44,480
you guys there would be a lot
of super stars here tonight,
335
00:14:44,481 --> 00:14:46,083
of super stars here tonight,
but there aren't. It's just
336
00:14:46,084 --> 00:14:48,584
but there aren't. It's just
me. Outside of me, you've got
337
00:14:48,585 --> 00:14:54,023
me. Outside of me, you've got
me, you've got a bunch of out
338
00:14:54,024 --> 00:14:55,225
me, you've got a bunch of out
of shape athletes, some
339
00:14:55,226 --> 00:14:55,793
of shape athletes, some
horrible podcasters. And one
340
00:14:55,793 --> 00:14:56,527
horrible podcasters. And one
whore. There is one whore here.
341
00:14:56,528 --> 00:15:03,367
Whore. There is one whore here.
All right? What? What? Now this
342
00:15:03,368 --> 00:15:06,670
all right? What? What? Now this
gas is going to be filled with
343
00:15:06,671 --> 00:15:07,538
gas is going to be filled with
energy and great jokes. I want
344
00:15:07,539 --> 00:15:09,507
energy and great jokes. I want
you to know I'm quarterbacking
345
00:15:09,508 --> 00:15:11,141
you to know I'm quarterbacking
this bitch tonight. With that
346
00:15:11,142 --> 00:15:11,743
this bitch tonight. With that
being said, that means I've
347
00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:15,078
being said, that means I've
got a lot of guns with a lot of
348
00:15:15,079 --> 00:15:16,446
got a lot of guns with a lot of
ammo. It's how the roasts
349
00:15:16,447 --> 00:15:17,215
ammo. It's how the roasts
work. They come up here and
350
00:15:17,216 --> 00:15:18,615
work. They come up here and
talk about Tom, and they will
351
00:15:18,616 --> 00:15:20,384
talk about Tom, and they will
take shots at me. I want to let
352
00:15:20,385 --> 00:15:23,320
take shots at me. I want to let
you guys know, I've got two
353
00:15:23,321 --> 00:15:23,922
you guys know, I've got two
full fucking clips. Now you
354
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:26,990
full fucking clips. Now you
fuck with me if you want, i'm
355
00:15:26,991 --> 00:15:28,025
fuck with me if you want, i'm
going to shoot these guns. I
356
00:15:28,026 --> 00:15:30,594
going to shoot these guns. I
have no problem shooting these
357
00:15:30,595 --> 00:15:31,562
have no problem shooting these
guns. You think i'm
358
00:15:31,562 --> 00:15:32,263
guns. You think i'm
bullshitting? Tom, they think
359
00:15:32,263 --> 00:15:32,997
bullshitting? Tom, they think
I'm bullshitting. You want to
360
00:15:32,998 --> 00:15:34,731
I'm bullshitting. You want to
test shot and see how fast
361
00:15:34,732 --> 00:15:36,801
test shot and see how fast
these guns work? Here's a
362
00:15:36,802 --> 00:15:42,406
these guns work? Here's a
little test shot. A little test
363
00:15:42,407 --> 00:15:43,007
little test shot. A little test
shot. Oh. Chelsea, Chelsea
364
00:15:43,007 --> 00:15:43,608
shot. Oh. Chelsea, Chelsea
handler is here. Okay. Hey,
365
00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:47,210
handler is here. Okay. Hey,
Chelsea. Chelsea, hey, Chelsea.
366
00:15:47,211 --> 00:15:50,047
Chelsea. Chelsea, hey, Chelsea.
Oh, man. Nothing better than
367
00:15:50,048 --> 00:15:51,715
oh, man. Nothing better than
seeing my sister. Love her to
368
00:15:51,716 --> 00:15:52,883
seeing my sister. Love her to
death. You know, Chelsea, we
369
00:15:52,884 --> 00:15:54,284
death. You know, Chelsea, we
had you sitting next to a black
370
00:15:54,285 --> 00:15:55,986
had you sitting next to a black
guy, but we changed it only
371
00:15:55,987 --> 00:15:59,088
guy, but we changed it only
because we know how you feel
372
00:15:59,089 --> 00:15:59,958
because we know how you feel
and ultimately the black dick
373
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:02,059
and ultimately the black dick
matters. You'll fuck a black
374
00:16:02,060 --> 00:16:02,827
matters. You'll fuck a black
dick fast, Chelsea. Speaking of
375
00:16:02,828 --> 00:16:04,795
dick fast, Chelsea. Speaking of
black dick, Kim is here
376
00:16:04,796 --> 00:16:05,530
black dick, Kim is here
tonight. Hey, Kim. These are
377
00:16:05,531 --> 00:16:07,531
tonight. Hey, Kim. These are
just two guns. These are two
378
00:16:07,532 --> 00:16:10,767
just two guns. These are two
guns. Kim, I put it down, bop,
379
00:16:10,768 --> 00:16:11,436
guns. Kim, I put it down, bop,
bop, no troubles. No fucking
380
00:16:11,437 --> 00:16:17,574
bop, no troubles. No fucking
troubles. Leave me alone and
381
00:16:17,575 --> 00:16:19,977
troubles. Leave me alone and
I'll leave you alone. Chelsea,
382
00:16:19,978 --> 00:16:20,611
I'll leave you alone. Chelsea,
Kim, you're innocent
383
00:16:20,611 --> 00:16:21,112
Kim, you're innocent
bystanders. You had nothing to
384
00:16:21,113 --> 00:16:22,813
bystanders. You had nothing to
do with it and you didn't
385
00:16:22,814 --> 00:16:24,214
do with it and you didn't
deserve it and I apologize.
386
00:16:24,215 --> 00:16:24,983
Deserve it and I apologize.
With that being said, guys, to
387
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:26,216
with that being said, guys, to
start a roast, you have to
388
00:16:26,217 --> 00:16:28,952
start a roast, you have to
start it off with a bang. And
389
00:16:28,953 --> 00:16:31,588
start it off with a bang. And
to do that, you've got to do
390
00:16:31,589 --> 00:16:33,323
to do that, you've got to do
it with a roastmaster. A goat
391
00:16:33,324 --> 00:16:36,393
it with a roastmaster. A goat
without a butcher is not a
392
00:16:36,394 --> 00:16:38,962
without a butcher is not a
goat. Please welcome straight
393
00:16:38,963 --> 00:16:41,298
goat. Please welcome straight
from hell, the real killer,
394
00:16:41,299 --> 00:16:41,799
from hell, the real killer,
america's roastmaster, Jeff
395
00:16:41,799 --> 00:16:42,767
america's roastmaster, Jeff
Ross. [ Cheering
396
00:16:42,768 --> 00:16:48,840
america's roastmaster, Jeff
Ross.
397
00:16:58,049 --> 00:16:58,716
Fans, make some noise! [
Cheering
398
00:16:58,717 --> 00:17:03,254
fans, make some noise!
399
00:17:04,956 --> 00:17:10,761
The juice is loose tonight! If
the gloves don't fit, you must
400
00:17:10,762 --> 00:17:13,931
the gloves don't fit, you must
talk shit. [ Laughter
401
00:17:13,932 --> 00:17:18,101
the gloves don't fit, you must
talk shit. What's
402
00:17:18,102 --> 00:17:18,770
talk shit. What's
up, patriots? I just came from
403
00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:22,740
up, patriots? I just came from
hell. Aaron Hernandez says
404
00:17:22,741 --> 00:17:30,741
hell. Aaron Hernandez says
hello.
405
00:17:32,550 --> 00:17:33,884
Hell. Aaron Hernandez says
hello. Yeah, mother fuckers,
406
00:17:33,885 --> 00:17:37,387
hello. Yeah, mother fuckers,
it's a roast. I know how to
407
00:17:37,388 --> 00:17:38,422
it's a roast. I know how to
dress like o.J. Because i'm
408
00:17:38,423 --> 00:17:39,390
dress like o.J. Because i'm
about to kill this white bitch
409
00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:46,798
about to kill this white bitch
right here.
410
00:17:48,366 --> 00:17:49,533
[ Cheering
411
00:17:52,203 --> 00:17:58,642
let's go, Joe.
Now give it up for the lord
412
00:17:58,643 --> 00:18:00,010
now give it up for the lord
of the super bowl rings, my
413
00:18:00,011 --> 00:18:05,783
of the super bowl rings, my
friend, Tom Brady. Yeah!
414
00:18:07,251 --> 00:18:10,719
A man who has so many rings, he
could melt them down and forge
415
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:16,460
could melt them down and forge
a sword to go on a quest to get
416
00:18:16,461 --> 00:18:17,195
a sword to go on a quest to get
Gisele back from that jiu-jitsu
417
00:18:17,196 --> 00:18:25,196
Gisele back from that jiu-jitsu
teacher. You're a legend, Tom.
418
00:18:25,402 --> 00:18:26,736
Teacher. You're a legend, Tom.
You really are. You really put
419
00:18:26,737 --> 00:18:32,042
you really are. You really put
the jizz in Gisele. Let's
420
00:18:32,043 --> 00:18:40,043
the jizz in Gisele. Let's
fucking go! Live on Netflix!
421
00:18:43,788 --> 00:18:49,860
Also live on Netflix this
summer from Dallas, Mike Tyson
422
00:18:49,861 --> 00:18:51,595
summer from Dallas, Mike Tyson
is boxing a kid half his age.
423
00:18:51,596 --> 00:18:53,096
Is boxing a kid half his age.
My prediction, iron Mike is
424
00:18:53,097 --> 00:18:59,636
my prediction, iron Mike is
going to kill that baby. It
425
00:18:59,637 --> 00:19:02,239
going to kill that baby. It
will be the only legal abortion
426
00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:03,240
will be the only legal abortion
in Texas. No fear, this is what
427
00:19:03,241 --> 00:19:07,844
in Texas. No fear, this is what
we do. Look at you, Tom Brady.
428
00:19:07,845 --> 00:19:08,779
We do. Look at you, Tom Brady.
You're so beautiful. I just
429
00:19:08,780 --> 00:19:09,846
you're so beautiful. I just
want to fuck that dimple in
430
00:19:09,847 --> 00:19:17,353
want to fuck that dimple in
your chin. Oh. Beautiful. Look
431
00:19:17,354 --> 00:19:24,528
your chin. Oh. Beautiful. Look
at you. You look like a vampire
432
00:19:24,529 --> 00:19:28,565
at you. You look like a vampire
that only drinks almond blood.
433
00:19:28,566 --> 00:19:32,169
That only drinks almond blood.
Tom looks like he bleaches his
434
00:19:32,170 --> 00:19:32,803
Tom looks like he bleaches his
asshole just in case. [
435
00:19:32,803 --> 00:19:32,837
asshole just in case. [
Laughter
436
00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:35,671
asshole just in case. Laugh it up, people.
437
00:19:35,672 --> 00:19:39,376
Laugh it up, people.
The world needs this. There
438
00:19:39,377 --> 00:19:42,112
the world needs this. There
hasn't been a roast in years
439
00:19:42,113 --> 00:19:43,979
hasn't been a roast in years
because everyone's chicken,
440
00:19:43,980 --> 00:19:44,882
because everyone's chicken,
but not you, Tom. You're not
441
00:19:44,882 --> 00:19:45,483
but not you, Tom. You're not
chicken. No way. [ Cheering
442
00:19:45,484 --> 00:19:49,921
but not you, Tom. You're not
chicken. No way.
443
00:19:56,193 --> 00:20:00,730
I read your book, your berries
and avocados. The tb12 method,
444
00:20:00,731 --> 00:20:01,399
and avocados. The tb12 method,
that's your book. Very
445
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,767
that's your book. Very
helpful. In fact Kevin hart has
446
00:20:03,768 --> 00:20:06,403
helpful. In fact Kevin hart has
been sitting on it all night.
447
00:20:06,404 --> 00:20:09,172
Been sitting on it all night.
What an opening. I love you,
448
00:20:09,173 --> 00:20:09,840
what an opening. I love you,
Kevin. What an opening. You're
449
00:20:09,841 --> 00:20:14,145
Kevin. What an opening. You're
amazing.
450
00:20:15,913 --> 00:20:18,081
I really wanted Kevin to host
because he already looks like a
451
00:20:18,082 --> 00:20:24,021
because he already looks like a
deflated football.
452
00:20:28,225 --> 00:20:29,026
Kevin hart is the biggest
eagles fan. In fact one
453
00:20:29,027 --> 00:20:30,193
eagles fan. In fact one
snatched him up in his backyard
454
00:20:30,194 --> 00:20:31,229
snatched him up in his backyard
and dropped him off here this
455
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:35,433
and dropped him off here this
afternoon.
456
00:20:37,001 --> 00:20:39,135
When I first walked in, I
thought is that Kevin hart or
457
00:20:39,136 --> 00:20:47,136
thought is that Kevin hart or
did Randy moss take a knee?
458
00:20:48,846 --> 00:20:54,584
Kevin hart, I love you, man. I
really do. You're so goddam
459
00:20:54,585 --> 00:20:56,685
really do. You're so goddam
funny. Congratulates on being
460
00:20:56,686 --> 00:20:59,222
funny. Congratulates on being
the latest recipient of the
461
00:20:59,223 --> 00:20:59,757
the latest recipient of the
prestigious Kennedy center's
462
00:20:59,758 --> 00:21:01,124
prestigious Kennedy center's
Mark twain prize for humor.
463
00:21:01,125 --> 00:21:05,396
Mark twain prize for humor.
Well deserved, my man.
464
00:21:07,265 --> 00:21:15,265
And surely if Mark twain were
around today, he would call you
465
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:18,075
around today, he would call you... a... a
466
00:21:18,075 --> 00:21:18,242
around today, he would
call you... a... a national
467
00:21:18,243 --> 00:21:22,212
around today, he would call
you... a... a national treasure.
468
00:21:22,213 --> 00:21:23,147
A... a national treasure.
Look at this arena! [ Cheering
469
00:21:23,148 --> 00:21:26,951
look at this arena!
470
00:21:29,420 --> 00:21:31,954
All my friends are here. This
is incredible. So many legends
471
00:21:31,955 --> 00:21:33,722
is incredible. So many legends
in the room. Dana white, I see
472
00:21:33,723 --> 00:21:34,358
in the room. Dana white, I see
you hiding over there. What's
473
00:21:34,359 --> 00:21:40,698
you hiding over there. What's
up, Dana? Look at this.
474
00:21:42,366 --> 00:21:45,902
Talk about a legend in the
room. Pull back. I want to show
475
00:21:45,903 --> 00:21:47,804
room. Pull back. I want to show
you he brought the whole cast
476
00:21:47,805 --> 00:21:48,439
you he brought the whole cast
of queer eye. [ Laughter
477
00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:56,212
you he brought the whole cast
of queer eye.
478
00:21:56,213 --> 00:21:59,983
Of queer eye.
Dana, who are these guys? Are
479
00:21:59,984 --> 00:22:00,618
Dana, who are these guys? Are
these guys, are they neutered?
480
00:22:00,619 --> 00:22:03,253
These guys, are they neutered?
What the fuck is going on here?
481
00:22:03,254 --> 00:22:08,658
What the fuck is going on here?
The sign said no pets, Dana. I
482
00:22:08,659 --> 00:22:09,693
the sign said no pets, Dana. I
love you, Dana. You're like
483
00:22:09,694 --> 00:22:10,294
love you, Dana. You're like
Michael vick, but with human
484
00:22:10,295 --> 00:22:17,868
Michael vick, but with human
beings.
485
00:22:22,339 --> 00:22:24,374
Tom, Tom, your teammates are
all here at the beautiful sold
486
00:22:24,375 --> 00:22:25,009
all here at the beautiful sold
out Los Angeles forum.
487
00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:29,347
Out Los Angeles forum.
Incredible.
488
00:22:31,515 --> 00:22:39,515
By the way forum is also how
Rob gronkowski counts to five.
489
00:22:40,991 --> 00:22:47,464
Rob gronkowski counts to five.
Four... um... five... um. I
490
00:22:47,465 --> 00:22:48,099
four... um... five... um. I
love you, gronk. I love you,
491
00:22:48,100 --> 00:22:53,435
love you, gronk. I love you,
gronk. Poor gronk. He thinks
492
00:22:53,436 --> 00:22:54,105
gronk. Poor gronk. He thinks
his last name is owski. [
493
00:22:54,105 --> 00:22:54,138
his last name is owski. [
Laughter
494
00:22:54,139 --> 00:22:59,409
his last name is owski. You're one of the
495
00:22:59,410 --> 00:23:00,177
You're one of the
greatest, gronk. You're one of
496
00:23:00,178 --> 00:23:03,246
greatest, gronk. You're one of
the greatest. They love you. [
497
00:23:03,247 --> 00:23:03,280
the greatest. They love you. [
Cheering
498
00:23:03,281 --> 00:23:08,786
the greatest. They love you.
499
00:23:10,888 --> 00:23:14,491
Of course, growing up it was
never even gronk's dream to
500
00:23:14,492 --> 00:23:15,658
never even gronk's dream to
play football, but his parents
501
00:23:15,659 --> 00:23:16,360
play football, but his parents
figured, hey, he's already
502
00:23:16,361 --> 00:23:24,234
figured, hey, he's already
wearing the helmet. Julian, can
503
00:23:24,235 --> 00:23:32,108
wearing the helmet. Julian, can
you explain that joke to gronk?
504
00:23:32,109 --> 00:23:33,543
You explain that joke to gronk?
Oh man. We're doing it Boston
505
00:23:33,544 --> 00:23:37,548
oh man. We're doing it Boston
style tonight, I'm telling you.
506
00:23:39,683 --> 00:23:41,785
Boston style, you know, it's
going to be a marathon, and
507
00:23:41,786 --> 00:23:47,658
going to be a marathon, and
somebody is going to bomb.
508
00:23:54,431 --> 00:23:55,765
Hey, listen, man, no fear, this
is what we do. That's what Tom
509
00:23:55,766 --> 00:23:59,369
is what we do. That's what Tom
told me. Thanks for coming in,
510
00:23:59,370 --> 00:24:01,303
told me. Thanks for coming in,
Tom, from your new home state
511
00:24:01,304 --> 00:24:02,304
Tom, from your new home state
of Florida. We wanted to roast
512
00:24:02,305 --> 00:24:03,873
of Florida. We wanted to roast
you in Florida, but because of
513
00:24:03,874 --> 00:24:06,476
you in Florida, but because of
your governor, we wouldn't be
514
00:24:06,477 --> 00:24:13,017
your governor, we wouldn't be
able to call you gay.
515
00:24:14,718 --> 00:24:19,489
What an underdog story, man.
Against all odds. It all
516
00:24:19,490 --> 00:24:20,157
against all odds. It all
started in San Mateo,
517
00:24:20,157 --> 00:24:20,391
started in San Mateo,
California. [ Cheering
518
00:24:20,392 --> 00:24:26,495
started in San Mateo,
California. Tom's
519
00:24:26,496 --> 00:24:28,565
California. Tom's
mom who is here tonight,
520
00:24:28,566 --> 00:24:30,867
mom who is here tonight,
somewhere, where is she? Yeah.
521
00:24:30,868 --> 00:24:32,535
Somewhere, where is she? Yeah.
She was in labor with you for
522
00:24:32,536 --> 00:24:35,171
she was in labor with you for
43 hours. Talk about staying in
523
00:24:35,172 --> 00:24:43,172
43 hours. Talk about staying in
the pocket. Tom was eventually
524
00:24:43,948 --> 00:24:47,150
the pocket. Tom was eventually
drafted 199th in the NFL draft.
525
00:24:47,151 --> 00:24:48,951
Drafted 199th in the NFL draft.
He sat there for days waiting
526
00:24:48,952 --> 00:24:50,987
he sat there for days waiting
and waiting, and then you were
527
00:24:50,988 --> 00:24:52,288
and waiting, and then you were
finally picked in the sixth
528
00:24:52,289 --> 00:24:54,890
finally picked in the sixth
round with bill belichick's
529
00:24:54,891 --> 00:24:55,693
round with bill belichick's
dog stepped on the keyboard by
530
00:24:55,694 --> 00:25:03,694
dog stepped on the keyboard by
accident.
531
00:25:08,505 --> 00:25:12,809
So Tom became a patriot. Moved
up to new england. And on the
532
00:25:12,810 --> 00:25:14,410
up to new england. And on the
first day of training camp,
533
00:25:14,411 --> 00:25:15,812
first day of training camp,
that rookie walked into the
534
00:25:15,813 --> 00:25:16,680
that rookie walked into the
owner, Robert kraft's owner,
535
00:25:16,681 --> 00:25:19,148
owner, Robert kraft's owner,
and said I'm the best decision
536
00:25:19,149 --> 00:25:19,717
and said I'm the best decision
your organization has ever
537
00:25:19,718 --> 00:25:27,718
your organization has ever
made. Would you like a massage?
538
00:25:42,539 --> 00:25:44,240
I love Robert kraft.
Okay, okay.
539
00:25:44,241 --> 00:25:44,775
Okay, okay.
He's having fun. Look at
540
00:25:44,776 --> 00:25:48,978
he's having fun. Look at
him. I love what you do for the
541
00:25:48,979 --> 00:25:49,680
him. I love what you do for the
Jews, Robert kraft. You're
542
00:25:49,681 --> 00:25:57,487
Jews, Robert kraft. You're
incredible. From that point on
543
00:25:57,488 --> 00:25:58,621
incredible. From that point on
everything was a fairy tale
544
00:25:58,622 --> 00:25:59,756
everything was a fairy tale
unless you're drew bledsoe,
545
00:25:59,757 --> 00:26:00,491
unless you're drew bledsoe,
then it was a total fucking
546
00:26:00,492 --> 00:26:07,231
then it was a total fucking
nightmare.
547
00:26:08,866 --> 00:26:13,671
Drew.
548
00:26:20,577 --> 00:26:22,813
Of course, super bowl mvp,
Julian edelman is here. Hi,
549
00:26:22,814 --> 00:26:27,685
Julian edelman is here. Hi,
Julian.
550
00:26:32,589 --> 00:26:37,627
The greatest Jewish football
player of all time. Which is
551
00:26:37,628 --> 00:26:38,228
player of all time. Which is
pretty impressive until you
552
00:26:38,229 --> 00:26:39,596
pretty impressive until you
realize the guy in second place
553
00:26:39,597 --> 00:26:44,200
realize the guy in second place
is me. Tom, I really wanted you
554
00:26:44,201 --> 00:26:46,869
is me. Tom, I really wanted you
to be our first goat to be
555
00:26:46,870 --> 00:26:49,038
to be our first goat to be
roasted because you're an
556
00:26:49,039 --> 00:26:49,940
roasted because you're an
example to future generations.
557
00:26:49,941 --> 00:26:51,775
Example to future generations.
That if you work hard, eat
558
00:26:51,776 --> 00:26:56,479
that if you work hard, eat
right, film the other team's
559
00:26:56,480 --> 00:26:57,448
right, film the other team's
practices, deflate the balls,
560
00:26:57,449 --> 00:27:00,817
practices, deflate the balls,
and have the NFL make new rules
561
00:27:00,818 --> 00:27:02,251
and have the NFL make new rules
just for you, then you too can
562
00:27:02,252 --> 00:27:08,090
just for you, then you too can
be the third most famous guy in
563
00:27:08,091 --> 00:27:09,459
be the third most famous guy in
a dunkin' donuts commercial.
564
00:27:09,460 --> 00:27:14,698
A dunkin' donuts commercial.
U.S.A., u.S.A., u.S.A.!
565
00:27:17,201 --> 00:27:21,004
Tom, you once told me it was
your dream to be roasted, and
566
00:27:21,005 --> 00:27:22,538
your dream to be roasted, and
here we are, proving you're not
567
00:27:22,539 --> 00:27:23,640
here we are, proving you're not
just a great athlete, you're
568
00:27:23,641 --> 00:27:28,045
just a great athlete, you're
also a great sport.
569
00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:32,782
If I ever have a son, I want
him to be smart, strong,
570
00:27:32,783 --> 00:27:33,717
him to be smart, strong,
driven, just like you, Tom,
571
00:27:33,718 --> 00:27:35,218
driven, just like you, Tom,
which is why tonight at the
572
00:27:35,219 --> 00:27:35,884
which is why tonight at the
after party, I'm going to try
573
00:27:35,885 --> 00:27:36,487
after party, I'm going to try
to fuck your sister. [ Laughter
574
00:27:36,488 --> 00:27:41,357
to fuck your sister. Julie! You're my
575
00:27:41,358 --> 00:27:41,556
to fuck your sister.
Julie! You're my number one
576
00:27:41,557 --> 00:27:44,961
Julie! You're my number one
draft pick. Let's fucking go!
577
00:27:44,962 --> 00:27:47,598
Draft pick. Let's fucking go!
I love you, guys. Thank you,
578
00:27:47,599 --> 00:27:50,567
I love you, guys. Thank you,
everybody.
579
00:27:56,673 --> 00:28:02,779
Wow. Wow. Stop being a
bitch, Jeff. Sit down. Stop
580
00:28:02,780 --> 00:28:04,080
bitch, Jeff. Sit down. Stop
kissing his ass. You okay, you
581
00:28:04,081 --> 00:28:05,081
kissing his ass. You okay, you
okay, right, Tom? It was just
582
00:28:05,082 --> 00:28:11,688
okay, right, Tom? It was just
jokes. Such a bitch. Guys, make
583
00:28:11,689 --> 00:28:14,323
jokes. Such a bitch. Guys, make
sure you guys check out Jeff's
584
00:28:14,324 --> 00:28:16,359
sure you guys check out Jeff's
one-man show. It's playing at
585
00:28:16,360 --> 00:28:20,095
one-man show. It's playing at
the Hollywood cemetery. I'm
586
00:28:20,096 --> 00:28:21,597
the Hollywood cemetery. I'm
not even joking. His career's
587
00:28:21,598 --> 00:28:24,499
not even joking. His career's
literally dying. It's dying.
588
00:28:24,500 --> 00:28:25,901
Literally dying. It's dying.
If we stop doing these roasts,
589
00:28:25,902 --> 00:28:29,038
if we stop doing these roasts,
you will not see Jeff Ross ever
590
00:28:29,039 --> 00:28:30,773
you will not see Jeff Ross ever
again. Do you hear me? Save
591
00:28:30,774 --> 00:28:31,774
again. Do you hear me? Save
Jeff Ross. Keep the roast
592
00:28:31,775 --> 00:28:36,812
Jeff Ross. Keep the roast
going. Jesus Christ. Jeff, such
593
00:28:36,813 --> 00:28:38,448
going. Jesus Christ. Jeff, such
a fucking bitch. I heard you
594
00:28:38,449 --> 00:28:42,884
a fucking bitch. I heard you
over there, you bitch. Tom, you
595
00:28:42,885 --> 00:28:43,886
over there, you bitch. Tom, you
all right? Your hair is so
596
00:28:43,887 --> 00:28:46,522
all right? Your hair is so
straight, yeah. You know the
597
00:28:46,523 --> 00:28:47,690
straight, yeah. You know the
funny thing? You came out here
598
00:28:47,691 --> 00:28:49,225
funny thing? You came out here
trying to act like you were
599
00:28:49,226 --> 00:28:51,094
trying to act like you were
upset with o.J., and all that
600
00:28:51,095 --> 00:28:52,328
upset with o.J., and all that
little attitude. It's got
601
00:28:52,329 --> 00:28:53,396
little attitude. It's got
nothing to do with o.J. Jeff
602
00:28:53,397 --> 00:28:53,997
nothing to do with o.J. Jeff
Ross, you're mad about the
603
00:28:53,998 --> 00:28:55,898
Ross, you're mad about the
fact it was a waiter who got
604
00:28:55,899 --> 00:28:57,333
fact it was a waiter who got
killed who brings out food, you
605
00:28:57,334 --> 00:28:59,401
killed who brings out food, you
fat fuck. It's one less waiter
606
00:28:59,402 --> 00:29:00,570
fat fuck. It's one less waiter
on the streets. That's what
607
00:29:00,571 --> 00:29:01,904
on the streets. That's what
you're upset about. Fucking
608
00:29:01,905 --> 00:29:04,240
you're upset about. Fucking
Jeff Ross. Just keep the roast
609
00:29:04,241 --> 00:29:05,774
Jeff Ross. Just keep the roast
coming, okay? Jeff, what else
610
00:29:05,775 --> 00:29:07,076
coming, okay? Jeff, what else
do you have going on? Is there
611
00:29:07,077 --> 00:29:08,377
do you have going on? Is there
other shit happening in your
612
00:29:08,378 --> 00:29:08,612
other shit happening in your
show?
613
00:29:08,613 --> 00:29:11,180
Show?
One man show. I'm on tour
614
00:29:11,181 --> 00:29:11,482
one man show. I'm on tour
now.
615
00:29:11,482 --> 00:29:12,449
Now.
Take a banana on the ride?
616
00:29:12,449 --> 00:29:12,883
Take a banana on the ride?
On tour.
617
00:29:12,884 --> 00:29:14,250
On tour.
I wish I could give you a
618
00:29:14,251 --> 00:29:16,285
I wish I could give you a
bunch of shit, man, but I
619
00:29:16,286 --> 00:29:17,254
bunch of shit, man, but I
actually love you, Jeff. I
620
00:29:17,255 --> 00:29:19,188
actually love you, Jeff. I
actually do. Jeff is the only
621
00:29:19,189 --> 00:29:21,656
actually do. Jeff is the only
person I see, and every time I
622
00:29:21,657 --> 00:29:23,126
person I see, and every time I
see him, he looks thicker. I
623
00:29:23,127 --> 00:29:25,161
see him, he looks thicker. I
don't know what's happening.
624
00:29:25,162 --> 00:29:26,229
Don't know what's happening.
It's just getting sicker and
625
00:29:26,230 --> 00:29:27,396
it's just getting sicker and
sicker, but we can't nail it
626
00:29:27,397 --> 00:29:29,264
sicker, but we can't nail it
down. We don't know what it
627
00:29:29,265 --> 00:29:30,566
down. We don't know what it
is. All right, guys, coming to
628
00:29:30,567 --> 00:29:32,268
is. All right, guys, coming to
the stage right now is a man,
629
00:29:32,269 --> 00:29:33,936
the stage right now is a man,
well, a man who was picked
630
00:29:33,937 --> 00:29:35,805
well, a man who was picked
first in the NFL draft, and
631
00:29:35,806 --> 00:29:37,774
first in the NFL draft, and
last for this roast. Please
632
00:29:37,775 --> 00:29:38,375
last for this roast. Please
welcome drew bledsoe. Come on,
633
00:29:38,376 --> 00:29:44,448
welcome drew bledsoe. Come on,
drew.
634
00:29:58,795 --> 00:30:06,795
It's a pretty cool stage up
here. This reminds me... settle
635
00:30:07,871 --> 00:30:08,972
here. This reminds me... settle
down. I've got some jokes to
636
00:30:08,973 --> 00:30:12,208
down. I've got some jokes to
tell. This stage is really
637
00:30:12,209 --> 00:30:14,210
tell. This stage is really
cool, man. It reminds me of the
638
00:30:14,211 --> 00:30:19,215
cool, man. It reminds me of the
first round of the draft. You
639
00:30:19,216 --> 00:30:21,317
first round of the draft. You
remember, Randy, you remember,
640
00:30:21,318 --> 00:30:21,985
remember, Randy, you remember,
yeah, first round. Pretty cool,
641
00:30:21,986 --> 00:30:26,656
yeah, first round. Pretty cool,
right? So look, I've got to
642
00:30:26,657 --> 00:30:29,025
right? So look, I've got to
admit I'm a little bit nervous
643
00:30:29,026 --> 00:30:29,927
admit I'm a little bit nervous
tonight. I truly am. The last
644
00:30:29,928 --> 00:30:32,227
tonight. I truly am. The last
time I was up on stage before
645
00:30:32,228 --> 00:30:33,664
time I was up on stage before
Tom Brady, I ended up in the
646
00:30:33,665 --> 00:30:36,065
Tom Brady, I ended up in the
hospital for five days, and I
647
00:30:36,066 --> 00:30:43,573
hospital for five days, and I
lost my damn job. So real talk,
648
00:30:43,574 --> 00:30:45,908
lost my damn job. So real talk,
you know, a lot of people just
649
00:30:45,909 --> 00:30:49,178
you know, a lot of people just
assumed that I have a lot of
650
00:30:49,179 --> 00:30:50,246
assumed that I have a lot of
animosity towards Tom Brady.
651
00:30:50,247 --> 00:30:54,082
Animosity towards Tom Brady.
I'm here to tell you tonight
652
00:30:54,083 --> 00:30:55,852
I'm here to tell you tonight
in front of millions of people
653
00:30:55,853 --> 00:30:56,520
in front of millions of people
that you're correct. I fucking
654
00:30:56,521 --> 00:31:01,925
that you're correct. I fucking
hate him.
655
00:31:03,694 --> 00:31:09,999
I mean... hey, but let's just
be honest, a lot of you guys
656
00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:11,701
be honest, a lot of you guys
kind of hate him too. I mean
657
00:31:11,702 --> 00:31:14,770
kind of hate him too. I mean
who is more hateable than the
658
00:31:14,771 --> 00:31:15,372
who is more hateable than the
most successful quarterback of
659
00:31:15,373 --> 00:31:21,178
most successful quarterback of
all time? I mean except maybe
660
00:31:21,179 --> 00:31:26,048
all time? I mean except maybe
belichick. So there are rumors
661
00:31:26,049 --> 00:31:28,517
belichick. So there are rumors
that coach belichick was going
662
00:31:28,518 --> 00:31:30,085
that coach belichick was going
to be here tonight. Turns out
663
00:31:30,086 --> 00:31:35,658
to be here tonight. Turns out
he had some time on his hands.
664
00:31:35,659 --> 00:31:39,362
He had some time on his hands.
Hey look. At least when I got
665
00:31:39,363 --> 00:31:47,363
hey look. At least when I got
fired, somebody else wanted me.
666
00:31:52,909 --> 00:31:57,346
I was worried he was behind me.
Oh look, you know what, Tom
667
00:31:57,347 --> 00:31:57,948
oh look, you know what, Tom
invited his one black receiver
668
00:31:57,949 --> 00:32:05,949
invited his one black receiver
here tonight.
669
00:32:12,929 --> 00:32:17,733
It's... it's very woke of
you, buddy. Very woke. Any way
670
00:32:17,734 --> 00:32:18,302
you, buddy. Very woke. Any way
Randy moss is here. [ Cheering
671
00:32:18,303 --> 00:32:23,573
Randy moss is here.
672
00:32:26,365 --> 00:32:29,277
He's a country ass, bass
fisherman from West Virginia
673
00:32:29,278 --> 00:32:32,882
fisherman from West Virginia
who used to own a Nascar team.
674
00:32:32,883 --> 00:32:33,617
Who used to own a Nascar team.
Even your black receivers are
675
00:32:33,618 --> 00:32:40,288
even your black receivers are
white dudes. I mean look, come
676
00:32:40,289 --> 00:32:44,994
white dudes. I mean look, come
on, his name is Randy. It's the
677
00:32:44,995 --> 00:32:45,562
on, his name is Randy. It's the
fucking whitest name since
678
00:32:45,563 --> 00:32:53,563
fucking whitest name since
Kevin.
679
00:33:00,911 --> 00:33:06,616
Rob gronkowski's here. He's
Tom's favorite tight end.
680
00:33:10,987 --> 00:33:15,659
Tom's favorite tight end who
wasn't a murderer.
681
00:33:18,228 --> 00:33:20,863
A lot of people, a lot of
people don't know gronk is
682
00:33:20,864 --> 00:33:22,164
people don't know gronk is
originally from buffalo.
683
00:33:22,165 --> 00:33:25,301
Originally from buffalo.
That's right. He was actually
684
00:33:25,302 --> 00:33:27,570
that's right. He was actually
born on a folding table at a
685
00:33:27,571 --> 00:33:31,007
born on a folding table at a
bill's tailgate. The weird
686
00:33:31,008 --> 00:33:32,775
bill's tailgate. The weird
twist of fate, that's also
687
00:33:32,776 --> 00:33:40,776
twist of fate, that's also
where he was conceived.
688
00:33:47,023 --> 00:33:48,724
Apologies to your folks. You
know the second best number 11
689
00:33:48,725 --> 00:33:50,626
know the second best number 11
to ever play for the patriots
690
00:33:50,627 --> 00:33:57,232
to ever play for the patriots
is here, Julian edelman. Jules
691
00:33:57,233 --> 00:34:04,874
is here, Julian edelman. Jules
is... Jules is a true unicorn.
692
00:34:04,875 --> 00:34:07,143
Is... Jules is a true unicorn.
He's a short, Jewish receiver,
693
00:34:07,144 --> 00:34:10,146
he's a short, Jewish receiver,
but he also played defense.
694
00:34:10,147 --> 00:34:11,347
But he also played defense.
Belichick wanted him to play
695
00:34:11,348 --> 00:34:17,119
belichick wanted him to play
nickel, he held out for a dime.
696
00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:18,587
Nickel, he held out for a dime.
Most of his career highlights
697
00:34:18,588 --> 00:34:24,693
most of his career highlights
are just negotiations. So look,
698
00:34:24,694 --> 00:34:26,495
are just negotiations. So look,
Tom, I'm really glad that you
699
00:34:26,496 --> 00:34:27,264
Tom, I'm really glad that you
enjoyed all this amazing
700
00:34:27,264 --> 00:34:27,864
enjoyed all this amazing
success with the team that I
701
00:34:27,865 --> 00:34:35,071
success with the team that I
built. Super fucking happy for
702
00:34:35,072 --> 00:34:41,812
built. Super fucking happy for
you, bud.
703
00:34:43,513 --> 00:34:46,249
You know, when most people lose
their jobs, they start
704
00:34:46,250 --> 00:34:54,023
their jobs, they start
drinking. I started a winery.
705
00:34:54,024 --> 00:34:54,658
Drinking. I started a winery.
It's called doubleback. It's
706
00:34:54,659 --> 00:34:56,425
it's called doubleback. It's
named after what Tom does every
707
00:34:56,426 --> 00:35:00,762
named after what Tom does every
time you walk past a mirror.
708
00:35:00,763 --> 00:35:05,836
Time you walk past a mirror.
You know this move, right?
709
00:35:07,604 --> 00:35:10,340
You know you do that shit.
710
00:35:12,109 --> 00:35:16,879
You know, my favorite wine is
our world class cabernet.
711
00:35:16,880 --> 00:35:17,447
Our world class cabernet.
Tom's favorite wine is
712
00:35:17,448 --> 00:35:23,120
Tom's favorite wine is
where's the flag?
713
00:35:29,125 --> 00:35:32,094
You know, obviously, buddy, you
got really used to not being
714
00:35:32,095 --> 00:35:33,162
got really used to not being
touched, right? Just like the
715
00:35:33,163 --> 00:35:39,102
touched, right? Just like the
end of the marriage.
716
00:35:47,143 --> 00:35:50,847
So hey, look, buddy, you have
more rings than I do, but I
717
00:35:50,848 --> 00:35:53,182
more rings than I do, but I
have experienced a couple of
718
00:35:53,183 --> 00:35:54,517
have experienced a couple of
things that you will never
719
00:35:54,518 --> 00:35:55,885
things that you will never
experience. The feeling of
720
00:35:55,886 --> 00:35:57,586
experience. The feeling of
being the number one overall
721
00:35:57,587 --> 00:36:04,693
being the number one overall
draft pick in the NFL. And a
722
00:36:04,694 --> 00:36:05,262
draft pick in the NFL. And a
28th wedding anniversary. It
723
00:36:05,263 --> 00:36:13,263
28th wedding anniversary. It
was yesterday.
724
00:36:18,408 --> 00:36:26,408
Yep. That actually was
yesterday. Love you, baby. So
725
00:36:27,951 --> 00:36:30,518
yesterday. Love you, baby. So
look when I first met Tom, he
726
00:36:30,519 --> 00:36:32,254
look when I first met Tom, he
was not the greatest of all
727
00:36:32,255 --> 00:36:36,025
was not the greatest of all
time. He was just a sensitive
728
00:36:36,026 --> 00:36:37,393
time. He was just a sensitive
pretty boy from San Francisco,
729
00:36:37,394 --> 00:36:38,061
pretty boy from San Francisco,
who wouldn't shower with the
730
00:36:38,062 --> 00:36:41,765
who wouldn't shower with the
team. And he drove a yellow
731
00:36:41,766 --> 00:36:46,068
team. And he drove a yellow
scream Jeep. A yellow fucking
732
00:36:46,069 --> 00:36:51,507
scream Jeep. A yellow fucking
Jeep, right? So look, don't
733
00:36:51,508 --> 00:36:53,108
Jeep, right? So look, don't
make excuses, dude. It was a
734
00:36:53,109 --> 00:36:56,878
make excuses, dude. It was a
yellow fucking Jeep. But look,
735
00:36:56,879 --> 00:36:59,113
yellow fucking Jeep. But look,
I am not standing here right
736
00:36:59,114 --> 00:37:01,016
I am not standing here right
now saying Tom Brady is gay.
737
00:37:01,017 --> 00:37:05,020
Now saying Tom Brady is gay.
I'm not. I'm not saying that.
738
00:37:05,021 --> 00:37:10,626
I'm not. I'm not saying that.
But he sure did fuck me. [
739
00:37:10,627 --> 00:37:10,660
but he sure did fuck me. [
Cheering
740
00:37:10,661 --> 00:37:16,533
but he sure did fuck me.
741
00:37:21,237 --> 00:37:23,440
All right, so now I have to be
nice and sincere, and I will
742
00:37:23,441 --> 00:37:28,877
nice and sincere, and I will
be. Look, man, um, Tommy, I
743
00:37:28,878 --> 00:37:29,746
be. Look, man, um, Tommy, I
told you before and I will tell
744
00:37:29,747 --> 00:37:32,982
told you before and I will tell
you now in front of millions of
745
00:37:32,983 --> 00:37:38,954
you now in front of millions of
people. Incredibly proud of all
746
00:37:38,955 --> 00:37:39,556
people. Incredibly proud of all
that you have accomplished.
747
00:37:39,557 --> 00:37:40,856
That you have accomplished.
But, no. But I'm far more
748
00:37:40,857 --> 00:37:42,291
but, no. But I'm far more
proud of how you've done it.
749
00:37:42,292 --> 00:37:43,726
Proud of how you've done it.
You've always been a man of
750
00:37:43,727 --> 00:37:44,727
you've always been a man of
true character, and I know
751
00:37:44,728 --> 00:37:45,894
true character, and I know
you're going to continue to do
752
00:37:45,895 --> 00:37:48,062
you're going to continue to do
great things in the world, and
753
00:37:48,063 --> 00:37:48,632
great things in the world, and
I love you.
754
00:37:48,633 --> 00:37:54,104
I love you.
I love you.
755
00:37:56,640 --> 00:37:58,340
Now, will you please stay
fucking retired? We are sick of
756
00:37:58,341 --> 00:38:00,143
fucking retired? We are sick of
this shit. All right, got to
757
00:38:00,144 --> 00:38:07,317
this shit. All right, got to
go.
758
00:38:19,295 --> 00:38:23,198
Drew! Boo, ooo. Hey, drew, I
don't want to hit you with
759
00:38:23,199 --> 00:38:25,167
don't want to hit you with
your shot because I feel like
760
00:38:25,168 --> 00:38:27,168
your shot because I feel like
you've been through enough.
761
00:38:27,169 --> 00:38:28,971
You've been through enough.
But I just want to add, is it
762
00:38:28,972 --> 00:38:31,006
but I just want to add, is it
just me or do you guys feel
763
00:38:31,007 --> 00:38:32,741
just me or do you guys feel
like drew has one of those
764
00:38:32,742 --> 00:38:35,511
like drew has one of those
faces that you see in the
765
00:38:35,512 --> 00:38:36,046
faces that you see in the
walgreens picture frames. You
766
00:38:36,047 --> 00:38:39,481
walgreens picture frames. You
know when you go to walgreens
767
00:38:39,482 --> 00:38:40,916
know when you go to walgreens
or target or you've got an
768
00:38:40,917 --> 00:38:42,418
or target or you've got an
employee of the month face,
769
00:38:42,419 --> 00:38:44,053
employee of the month face,
drew. It just looks like you do
770
00:38:44,054 --> 00:38:44,754
drew. It just looks like you do
great work wherever you fucking
771
00:38:44,755 --> 00:38:49,992
great work wherever you fucking
go. Like man, that guy worked
772
00:38:49,993 --> 00:38:51,426
go. Like man, that guy worked
hard. Look at him. Ever since
773
00:38:51,427 --> 00:38:52,395
hard. Look at him. Ever since
the Brady shit, he's been here
774
00:38:52,396 --> 00:38:59,134
the Brady shit, he's been here
night after night. He's Sam's
775
00:38:59,135 --> 00:39:00,703
night after night. He's Sam's
club's best cust... i'm
776
00:39:00,704 --> 00:39:03,706
club's best cust... i'm
sorry. The whole time he was
777
00:39:03,707 --> 00:39:04,940
sorry. The whole time he was
talking, I was like that looks
778
00:39:04,941 --> 00:39:06,909
talking, I was like that looks
like somebody in the employee
779
00:39:06,910 --> 00:39:10,080
like somebody in the employee
of the month. He's like ooo.
780
00:39:10,081 --> 00:39:11,947
Of the month. He's like ooo.
You guys are all idiots.
781
00:39:11,948 --> 00:39:13,982
You guys are all idiots.
Fucking idiots. This is my
782
00:39:13,983 --> 00:39:16,118
fucking idiots. This is my
stage. I got the fucking gun.
783
00:39:16,119 --> 00:39:18,020
Stage. I got the fucking gun.
You hear me? Fuck you, Tom.
784
00:39:18,021 --> 00:39:19,021
You hear me? Fuck you, Tom.
Every once in a while, i'm
785
00:39:19,022 --> 00:39:20,522
every once in a while, i'm
just going to tell you that
786
00:39:20,523 --> 00:39:22,290
just going to tell you that
just because. And I'm going to
787
00:39:22,291 --> 00:39:24,693
just because. And I'm going to
hit you with a couple of shots.
788
00:39:24,694 --> 00:39:25,994
Hit you with a couple of shots.
Stop drinking that water
789
00:39:25,995 --> 00:39:26,596
stop drinking that water
because you're nervous. Every
790
00:39:26,596 --> 00:39:27,528
because you're nervous. Every
once in a while I want you to
791
00:39:27,529 --> 00:39:29,565
once in a while I want you to
do me a favor and put a tight
792
00:39:29,566 --> 00:39:30,899
do me a favor and put a tight
shot on Tom's face when people
793
00:39:30,900 --> 00:39:32,501
shot on Tom's face when people
are talking shit about him. His
794
00:39:32,502 --> 00:39:34,103
are talking shit about him. His
lip is shaking. If you can look
795
00:39:34,104 --> 00:39:35,704
lip is shaking. If you can look
at it, he just doesn't know
796
00:39:35,705 --> 00:39:36,473
at it, he just doesn't know
what they're going to say.
797
00:39:36,474 --> 00:39:38,273
What they're going to say.
With that being said, Tom, i'm
798
00:39:38,274 --> 00:39:39,541
with that being said, Tom, i'm
going to fuck you up after this
799
00:39:39,542 --> 00:39:41,443
going to fuck you up after this
one. You're going to get some
800
00:39:41,444 --> 00:39:43,612
one. You're going to get some
more. But this next roaster is
801
00:39:43,613 --> 00:39:44,381
more. But this next roaster is
amazing. Guys, it's Nikki
802
00:39:44,382 --> 00:39:46,115
amazing. Guys, it's Nikki
glaser and her new comedy
803
00:39:46,116 --> 00:39:47,750
glaser and her new comedy
special is called some day
804
00:39:47,751 --> 00:39:48,318
special is called some day
you'll die. You know what?
805
00:39:48,319 --> 00:39:51,086
You'll die. You know what?
Because it is all about the
806
00:39:51,087 --> 00:39:57,693
because it is all about the
guys she fucked without a
807
00:39:57,694 --> 00:39:58,361
guys she fucked without a
condom. They're dead. Come on,
808
00:39:58,362 --> 00:40:03,266
condom. They're dead. Come on,
Nikki.
809
00:40:05,034 --> 00:40:11,940
Thank you, 15 cent. You
really got to hand it to Kevin
810
00:40:11,941 --> 00:40:17,780
really got to hand it to Kevin
hart because he can't reach.
811
00:40:17,781 --> 00:40:19,948
Hart because he can't reach.
No, Kevin, I love you. No one
812
00:40:19,949 --> 00:40:20,884
no, Kevin, I love you. No one
works harder than this man. Do
813
00:40:20,885 --> 00:40:22,151
works harder than this man. Do
you know every morning Kevin
814
00:40:22,152 --> 00:40:24,887
you know every morning Kevin
wakes up at 4:00 A.M. to make a
815
00:40:24,888 --> 00:40:28,023
wakes up at 4:00 A.M. to make a
shitty movie? I love your
816
00:40:28,024 --> 00:40:29,225
shitty movie? I love your
movies or I call them short
817
00:40:29,226 --> 00:40:32,861
movies or I call them short
films. I'm kidding. I hate
818
00:40:32,862 --> 00:40:36,965
films. I'm kidding. I hate
them. No. No, sorry, Kevin, I
819
00:40:36,966 --> 00:40:38,700
them. No. No, sorry, Kevin, I
don't mean to belittle you,
820
00:40:38,701 --> 00:40:40,803
don't mean to belittle you,
but you be little, man. Like
821
00:40:40,804 --> 00:40:45,441
but you be little, man. Like
you're a tiny guy. Kevin is
822
00:40:45,442 --> 00:40:49,144
you're a tiny guy. Kevin is
5'2, 150 pounds, 155 after
823
00:40:49,145 --> 00:40:57,145
5'2, 150 pounds, 155 after
the rock finishes. Thank you.
824
00:41:03,193 --> 00:41:06,962
The rock finishes. Thank you.
You're his favorite fleshlight.
825
00:41:06,963 --> 00:41:10,098
You're his favorite fleshlight.
Rob gronkowski is not all here.
826
00:41:10,099 --> 00:41:13,502
Rob gronkowski is not all here.
Hey, Rob. No, Rob, you're not
827
00:41:13,503 --> 00:41:15,304
hey, Rob. No, Rob, you're not
really as dumb as you look and
828
00:41:15,305 --> 00:41:17,973
really as dumb as you look and
sound and act and are. He might
829
00:41:17,974 --> 00:41:20,976
sound and act and are. He might
be dumber. Is it true you're
830
00:41:20,977 --> 00:41:23,011
be dumber. Is it true you're
the first person born with cte?
831
00:41:23,012 --> 00:41:27,549
The first person born with cte?
Is that real? No, gronk, I love
832
00:41:27,550 --> 00:41:30,385
is that real? No, gronk, I love
you. You put the downs in
833
00:41:30,386 --> 00:41:31,519
you. You put the downs in
touchdowns, you really do. You
834
00:41:31,520 --> 00:41:32,589
touchdowns, you really do. You
put the special in special
835
00:41:32,590 --> 00:41:36,592
put the special in special
teams. You put the tard in Rob
836
00:41:36,593 --> 00:41:42,698
teams. You put the tard in Rob
gronkowski is retarded. Sorry.
837
00:41:42,699 --> 00:41:44,299
Gronkowski is retarded. Sorry.
Why? I'm so sorry, Rob. You
838
00:41:44,300 --> 00:41:45,201
why? I'm so sorry, Rob. You
haven't caught this much heat
839
00:41:45,202 --> 00:41:47,002
haven't caught this much heat
since you were microwaved as a
840
00:41:47,003 --> 00:41:52,941
since you were microwaved as a
baby. I'm sorry. Jeff, killer
841
00:41:52,942 --> 00:41:54,810
baby. I'm sorry. Jeff, killer
set. Congratulates on the
842
00:41:54,811 --> 00:41:56,277
set. Congratulates on the
weight loss too, man. It must
843
00:41:56,278 --> 00:41:58,613
weight loss too, man. It must
be nice to know that being fat
844
00:41:58,614 --> 00:41:59,748
be nice to know that being fat
was what made you disgusting to
845
00:41:59,749 --> 00:42:04,852
was what made you disgusting to
look at. Sorry, man. You really
846
00:42:04,853 --> 00:42:10,459
look at. Sorry, man. You really
put the ick in ozempic. You
847
00:42:10,460 --> 00:42:12,394
put the ick in ozempic. You
look like your pronouns are it,
848
00:42:12,395 --> 00:42:15,163
look like your pronouns are it,
that. You look like something
849
00:42:15,164 --> 00:42:15,698
that. You look like something
cancer catches. Are you
850
00:42:15,699 --> 00:42:18,267
cancer catches. Are you
pickled? I'm confused. The
851
00:42:18,268 --> 00:42:20,167
pickled? I'm confused. The
only time Jeff ever got a woman
852
00:42:20,168 --> 00:42:21,637
only time Jeff ever got a woman
wet is when she helped roll him
853
00:42:21,638 --> 00:42:26,508
wet is when she helped roll him
back into the ocean. I'm sorry.
854
00:42:26,509 --> 00:42:31,547
Back into the ocean. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I love you. Tom,
855
00:42:31,548 --> 00:42:34,016
I'm sorry. I love you. Tom,
Bert, I love you too. You're
856
00:42:34,017 --> 00:42:34,782
Bert, I love you too. You're
presenting together later like
857
00:42:34,783 --> 00:42:40,622
presenting together later like
two peas in each others mouths.
858
00:42:40,623 --> 00:42:41,457
Two peas in each others mouths.
Bert, Bert, I love you. You
859
00:42:41,458 --> 00:42:43,026
Bert, Bert, I love you. You
know I'm such a fan of your
860
00:42:43,027 --> 00:42:48,964
know I'm such a fan of your
joke. It's good. Shirts are
861
00:42:48,965 --> 00:42:50,532
joke. It's good. Shirts are
suppose to stay on. But he
862
00:42:50,533 --> 00:42:58,533
suppose to stay on. But he
takes it off. So good. Andrew
863
00:43:00,376 --> 00:43:01,709
takes it off. So good. Andrew
schulz, you carney face bitch.
864
00:43:01,710 --> 00:43:07,182
Schulz, you carney face bitch.
I hate your comedy more than
865
00:43:07,183 --> 00:43:07,951
I hate your comedy more than
Kevin hates high fives. I
866
00:43:07,952 --> 00:43:09,650
Kevin hates high fives. I
really... now please give it up
867
00:43:09,651 --> 00:43:13,589
really... now please give it up
for zero time super bowl
868
00:43:13,590 --> 00:43:14,957
for zero time super bowl
champion Randy moss. I'm
869
00:43:14,958 --> 00:43:16,658
champion Randy moss. I'm
sorry, Randy. Why don't you a
870
00:43:16,659 --> 00:43:17,293
sorry, Randy. Why don't you a
ring? What the hell, man?
871
00:43:17,294 --> 00:43:19,261
Ring? What the hell, man?
You're one of the best ever.
872
00:43:19,262 --> 00:43:21,463
You're one of the best ever.
Drew bledsoe has a ring. Aaron
873
00:43:21,464 --> 00:43:22,831
drew bledsoe has a ring. Aaron
Hernandez had a ring around his
874
00:43:22,832 --> 00:43:30,832
Hernandez had a ring around his
neck. Like what's going on?
875
00:43:30,908 --> 00:43:38,080
Neck. Like what's going on?
Julian, you have three rings
876
00:43:38,081 --> 00:43:40,582
Julian, you have three rings
right now, you squinty high
877
00:43:40,583 --> 00:43:41,250
right now, you squinty high
fuck boy. Julian, out of
878
00:43:41,251 --> 00:43:42,684
fuck boy. Julian, out of
curiosity, how did you get here
879
00:43:42,685 --> 00:43:44,653
curiosity, how did you get here
today? Did you drive or did you
880
00:43:44,654 --> 00:43:46,922
today? Did you drive or did you
ride Tom's dick? Which was it?
881
00:43:46,923 --> 00:43:48,190
Ride Tom's dick? Which was it?
Because I want to get a ride
882
00:43:48,191 --> 00:43:56,191
because I want to get a ride
home on it. But let's get to
883
00:43:57,099 --> 00:43:58,333
home on it. But let's get to
the reason we're all here
884
00:43:58,334 --> 00:44:03,472
the reason we're all here
tonight. Drew bledsoe. Drew
885
00:44:03,473 --> 00:44:05,474
tonight. Drew bledsoe. Drew
bled so Tom could run. But
886
00:44:05,475 --> 00:44:07,109
bled so Tom could run. But
drew, I'm going to move on
887
00:44:07,110 --> 00:44:08,576
drew, I'm going to move on
from you just like your team
888
00:44:08,577 --> 00:44:14,182
from you just like your team
did after you almost died. Tom
889
00:44:14,183 --> 00:44:18,720
did after you almost died. Tom
Brady, hi, Tom. Tom Brady, the
890
00:44:18,721 --> 00:44:20,522
Brady, hi, Tom. Tom Brady, the
only goat Jeff Ross hasn't
891
00:44:20,523 --> 00:44:25,927
only goat Jeff Ross hasn't
tried to fuck. Tom Brady,
892
00:44:25,928 --> 00:44:28,363
tried to fuck. Tom Brady,
five-time super bowl mvp, most
893
00:44:28,364 --> 00:44:29,831
five-time super bowl mvp, most
career wins, most career
894
00:44:29,832 --> 00:44:30,866
career wins, most career
touchdowns. You have seven
895
00:44:30,867 --> 00:44:32,167
touchdowns. You have seven
rings, well eight now that
896
00:44:32,168 --> 00:44:36,239
rings, well eight now that
Gisele gave hers back. Sorry,
897
00:44:36,240 --> 00:44:40,108
Gisele gave hers back. Sorry,
Tom. Tom, the only thing dumber
898
00:44:40,109 --> 00:44:40,877
Tom. Tom, the only thing dumber
than you saying yes to this
899
00:44:40,878 --> 00:44:43,779
than you saying yes to this
roast is when you said hey,
900
00:44:43,780 --> 00:44:46,148
roast is when you said hey,
babe, you should try jiu-jitsu.
901
00:44:46,149 --> 00:44:48,584
Babe, you should try jiu-jitsu.
I think that's got to suck.
902
00:44:48,585 --> 00:44:53,555
I think that's got to suck.
Dude. How much would it suck
903
00:44:53,556 --> 00:44:55,891
dude. How much would it suck
for Tom, oh my god, just
904
00:44:55,892 --> 00:44:56,859
for Tom, oh my god, just
knowing your ex-wife's new
905
00:44:56,860 --> 00:45:00,462
knowing your ex-wife's new
boyfriend can beat your ass
906
00:45:00,463 --> 00:45:01,064
boyfriend can beat your ass
while eating hers. That's got
907
00:45:01,065 --> 00:45:08,136
while eating hers. That's got
to be terrible. Oh no. You'll
908
00:45:08,137 --> 00:45:11,840
to be terrible. Oh no. You'll
be okay, Tom. Yeah. You're
909
00:45:11,841 --> 00:45:13,575
be okay, Tom. Yeah. You're
great. First, you're the
910
00:45:13,576 --> 00:45:14,909
great. First, you're the
hottest person I've ever seen
911
00:45:14,910 --> 00:45:16,278
hottest person I've ever seen
in my life. I shouldn't be
912
00:45:16,279 --> 00:45:17,813
in my life. I shouldn't be
able to talk to you. I can't
913
00:45:17,814 --> 00:45:21,383
able to talk to you. I can't
even handle it. You should see
914
00:45:21,384 --> 00:45:22,751
even handle it. You should see
this up close. It's insane.
915
00:45:22,752 --> 00:45:23,619
This up close. It's insane.
Listen, tonight there's going
916
00:45:23,620 --> 00:45:27,690
listen, tonight there's going
to be a lot of jokes about me
917
00:45:27,691 --> 00:45:31,259
to be a lot of jokes about me
being like a depraved cum
918
00:45:31,260 --> 00:45:32,126
being like a depraved cum
guzzling shut. I do want to say
919
00:45:32,127 --> 00:45:33,261
guzzling shut. I do want to say
for the record, I have a
920
00:45:33,262 --> 00:45:34,262
for the record, I have a
boyfriend. We've been together
921
00:45:34,263 --> 00:45:35,830
boyfriend. We've been together
for ten years. He's the love
922
00:45:35,831 --> 00:45:37,099
for ten years. He's the love
of my life. He's here tonight.
923
00:45:37,100 --> 00:45:38,833
Of my life. He's here tonight.
He's sitting right over there.
924
00:45:38,834 --> 00:45:40,001
He's sitting right over there.
I want to say publicly I would
925
00:45:40,002 --> 00:45:43,038
I want to say publicly I would
shoot you in the fucking face
926
00:45:43,039 --> 00:45:44,172
shoot you in the fucking face
for a lottery ticket to suck
927
00:45:44,173 --> 00:45:52,173
for a lottery ticket to suck
this guy's dick. He's perfect.
928
00:45:54,984 --> 00:45:56,586
This guy's dick. He's perfect.
He was on my fantasy team last
929
00:45:56,587 --> 00:46:02,057
he was on my fantasy team last
night. My clit has cte now. I
930
00:46:02,058 --> 00:46:06,295
night. My clit has cte now. I
would show you, but the NFL is
931
00:46:06,296 --> 00:46:09,598
would show you, but the NFL is
making me cover it up. But
932
00:46:09,599 --> 00:46:10,331
making me cover it up. But
seriously, Tom. You really are,
933
00:46:10,332 --> 00:46:13,735
seriously, Tom. You really are,
I mean you're the best to ever
934
00:46:13,736 --> 00:46:15,837
I mean you're the best to ever
play for too long. I mean you
935
00:46:15,838 --> 00:46:17,304
play for too long. I mean you
retired, then you came back,
936
00:46:17,305 --> 00:46:18,373
retired, then you came back,
and then you retired again. I
937
00:46:18,374 --> 00:46:20,375
and then you retired again. I
mean I get it. It's hard to
938
00:46:20,376 --> 00:46:23,712
mean I get it. It's hard to
walk away from something
939
00:46:23,713 --> 00:46:25,413
walk away from something
that's not your pregnant
940
00:46:25,414 --> 00:46:25,915
that's not your pregnant
girlfriend. It's tough. Hey.
941
00:46:25,916 --> 00:46:27,282
Girlfriend. It's tough. Hey.
To be fair, he didn't know she
942
00:46:27,283 --> 00:46:29,683
to be fair, he didn't know she
was pregnant. He just thought
943
00:46:29,684 --> 00:46:31,386
was pregnant. He just thought
she was getting fat. And Tom
944
00:46:31,387 --> 00:46:32,821
she was getting fat. And Tom
hates fat. I mean you guys know
945
00:46:32,822 --> 00:46:33,921
hates fat. I mean you guys know
about his diet program? It is
946
00:46:33,922 --> 00:46:36,158
about his diet program? It is
so strict. But if you follow it
947
00:46:36,159 --> 00:46:40,061
so strict. But if you follow it
exactly as he does, you too can
948
00:46:40,062 --> 00:46:40,930
exactly as he does, you too can
lose your family. And
949
00:46:40,931 --> 00:46:48,904
lose your family. And
seriously, you can lose so much
950
00:46:48,905 --> 00:46:50,671
seriously, you can lose so much
family. It works. Tom also lost
951
00:46:50,672 --> 00:46:51,607
family. It works. Tom also lost
$30 million in crypto. Tom, how
952
00:46:51,608 --> 00:46:53,208
$30 million in crypto. Tom, how
did you fall for that? I mean
953
00:46:53,209 --> 00:47:00,348
did you fall for that? I mean
even gronk was like me, no,
954
00:47:00,349 --> 00:47:01,117
even gronk was like me, no,
that's not real money. [
955
00:47:01,117 --> 00:47:01,150
that's not real money. [
Laughter
956
00:47:01,151 --> 00:47:06,856
that's not real money.
957
00:47:08,357 --> 00:47:16,357
Right? You know. Gronk... gronk
actually does Bitcoin, which is
958
00:47:16,365 --> 00:47:21,870
actually does Bitcoin, which is
where he just chews on a
959
00:47:21,871 --> 00:47:23,671
where he just chews on a
handful of nickels. I got to
960
00:47:23,672 --> 00:47:25,574
handful of nickels. I got to
go, but I have one more thing
961
00:47:25,575 --> 00:47:32,346
go, but I have one more thing
to say, and I promise to keep
962
00:47:32,347 --> 00:47:34,149
to say, and I promise to keep
it Kevin hart. To be honest,
963
00:47:34,150 --> 00:47:36,050
it Kevin hart. To be honest,
Tom, I didn't really know a
964
00:47:36,051 --> 00:47:37,719
Tom, I didn't really know a
ton about your career before
965
00:47:37,720 --> 00:47:39,120
ton about your career before
this. I only really started
966
00:47:39,121 --> 00:47:42,859
this. I only really started
watching football when Taylor
967
00:47:42,860 --> 00:47:45,794
watching football when Taylor
swift said it was okay. But
968
00:47:45,795 --> 00:47:47,494
swift said it was okay. But
what I've learned in absolute
969
00:47:47,495 --> 00:47:49,564
what I've learned in absolute
awe of you, you were a sixth
970
00:47:49,565 --> 00:47:51,533
awe of you, you were a sixth
round draft pick that really
971
00:47:51,534 --> 00:47:52,534
round draft pick that really
everyone kind of counted out.
972
00:47:52,535 --> 00:47:54,169
Everyone kind of counted out.
No one believed in. Then you
973
00:47:54,170 --> 00:47:55,604
no one believed in. Then you
became this, you became the
974
00:47:55,605 --> 00:47:59,708
became this, you became the
greatest of all time. And if
975
00:47:59,709 --> 00:48:00,409
greatest of all time. And if
I've learned anything, if I've
976
00:48:00,409 --> 00:48:01,408
I've learned anything, if I've
learned anything about this man
977
00:48:01,409 --> 00:48:03,310
learned anything about this man
is that if you tell Tom Brady
978
00:48:03,311 --> 00:48:04,280
is that if you tell Tom Brady
he can't do something, not
979
00:48:04,281 --> 00:48:06,013
he can't do something, not
only will he do it, but he'll
980
00:48:06,014 --> 00:48:09,050
only will he do it, but he'll
do it the best it's ever been
981
00:48:09,051 --> 00:48:11,420
do it the best it's ever been
done. So I'm here to say
982
00:48:11,421 --> 00:48:19,421
done. So I'm here to say
tonight, Tom Brady cannot make
983
00:48:19,561 --> 00:48:26,068
tonight, Tom Brady cannot make
me cum. Let's fucking go?
984
00:48:29,138 --> 00:48:34,310
Oh my god, Nikki.
985
00:48:42,818 --> 00:48:46,989
For those that are watching at
home, this is live, and that
986
00:48:46,990 --> 00:48:54,990
home, this is live, and that
was a standing ovation. Well
987
00:48:57,500 --> 00:48:58,034
was a standing ovation. Well
fucking deserved. Well
988
00:48:58,035 --> 00:48:59,534
fucking deserved. Well
deserved. Goddam, Nikki. Me
989
00:48:59,535 --> 00:49:01,670
deserved. Goddam, Nikki. Me
know that's not real money.
990
00:49:01,671 --> 00:49:04,539
Know that's not real money.
Oh. Oh, I was sitting next to
991
00:49:04,540 --> 00:49:09,376
oh. Oh, I was sitting next to
Rob. He said, after you said
992
00:49:09,377 --> 00:49:10,012
Rob. He said, after you said
it, he's like I did. [ Laughter
993
00:49:10,013 --> 00:49:14,116
it, he's like I did.
994
00:49:16,686 --> 00:49:22,958
No, Rob. You can't help, but
joke, Rob. She's making fun of
995
00:49:22,959 --> 00:49:24,659
joke, Rob. She's making fun of
you. I did know. Awe, I love
996
00:49:24,660 --> 00:49:25,860
you. I did know. Awe, I love
Nikki, man. Nikki, here is a
997
00:49:25,861 --> 00:49:26,928
Nikki, man. Nikki, here is a
little piece of information
998
00:49:26,929 --> 00:49:27,929
little piece of information
about Nikki you didn't know.
999
00:49:27,930 --> 00:49:31,466
About Nikki you didn't know.
Nikki is the only one who had a
1000
00:49:31,467 --> 00:49:33,335
Nikki is the only one who had a
meniscus tear in her pussy.
1001
00:49:33,336 --> 00:49:34,469
Meniscus tear in her pussy.
This is a true story, but
1002
00:49:34,470 --> 00:49:38,106
this is a true story, but
she's only out for six weeks,
1003
00:49:38,107 --> 00:49:39,841
she's only out for six weeks,
Tom. She'll be back. Nikki's
1004
00:49:39,842 --> 00:49:41,076
Tom. She'll be back. Nikki's
pussy is shaped like gronk's
1005
00:49:41,077 --> 00:49:42,711
pussy is shaped like gronk's
fleshlight. I know you said 50
1006
00:49:42,712 --> 00:49:43,912
fleshlight. I know you said 50
cent has one, but gronk came
1007
00:49:43,913 --> 00:49:44,981
cent has one, but gronk came
using you, which is good, and
1008
00:49:44,982 --> 00:49:48,583
using you, which is good, and
he knew that was not real
1009
00:49:48,584 --> 00:49:49,218
he knew that was not real
pussy, right, gronk? That's a
1010
00:49:49,219 --> 00:49:52,320
pussy, right, gronk? That's a
good call back is what they're
1011
00:49:52,321 --> 00:49:53,289
good call back is what they're
called, gronk. Oh my god. Only
1012
00:49:53,290 --> 00:49:55,256
called, gronk. Oh my god. Only
Nikki could host a show called
1013
00:49:55,257 --> 00:49:58,292
Nikki could host a show called
fuck boy island and still not
1014
00:49:58,293 --> 00:50:00,762
fuck boy island and still not
get laid. You know, listen, you
1015
00:50:00,763 --> 00:50:01,697
get laid. You know, listen, you
know you lost three fuck boys,
1016
00:50:01,698 --> 00:50:04,565
know you lost three fuck boys,
fuck boys drowned trying to get
1017
00:50:04,566 --> 00:50:05,301
fuck boys drowned trying to get
off that island. We lost three
1018
00:50:05,302 --> 00:50:08,570
off that island. We lost three
good fuck boys because of you,
1019
00:50:08,571 --> 00:50:10,573
good fuck boys because of you,
Nikki and that baggy clit. I'm
1020
00:50:10,574 --> 00:50:14,809
Nikki and that baggy clit. I'm
sick of it. Yeah, fuck you,
1021
00:50:14,810 --> 00:50:17,880
sick of it. Yeah, fuck you,
Tom. All right. Nikki, in all
1022
00:50:17,881 --> 00:50:22,117
Tom. All right. Nikki, in all
seriousness, that was insane.
1023
00:50:22,118 --> 00:50:23,052
Seriousness, that was insane.
Brilliant writing, brilliant
1024
00:50:23,052 --> 00:50:23,586
brilliant writing, brilliant
timing. Great set. Great
1025
00:50:23,587 --> 00:50:25,020
timing. Great set. Great
fucking set. That's the beauty
1026
00:50:25,021 --> 00:50:25,886
fucking set. That's the beauty
of roasting. That's what it
1027
00:50:25,887 --> 00:50:27,922
of roasting. That's what it
is. There is an art to it. When
1028
00:50:27,923 --> 00:50:30,658
is. There is an art to it. When
you get it right, goddam, it's
1029
00:50:30,659 --> 00:50:32,394
you get it right, goddam, it's
amazing. Guys, we're going to
1030
00:50:32,395 --> 00:50:33,195
amazing. Guys, we're going to
keep the energy going. Our next
1031
00:50:33,196 --> 00:50:37,298
keep the energy going. Our next
roast is a black man from west
1032
00:50:37,299 --> 00:50:39,067
roast is a black man from west
Virginia. Wait, I'm sorry,
1033
00:50:39,068 --> 00:50:40,502
Virginia. Wait, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry. He's the black man
1034
00:50:40,503 --> 00:50:41,736
I'm sorry. He's the black man
from West Virginia. Please
1035
00:50:41,737 --> 00:50:44,973
from West Virginia. Please
welcome to the stage, Randy
1036
00:50:44,974 --> 00:50:48,077
welcome to the stage, Randy
moss. Come on, Randy.
1037
00:51:00,055 --> 00:51:02,791
Now they got me up after
these first two acts. I can
1038
00:51:02,792 --> 00:51:04,325
these first two acts. I can
honestly tell you guys, i'm
1039
00:51:04,326 --> 00:51:05,794
honestly tell you guys, i'm
nervous. Nikki, that was
1040
00:51:05,795 --> 00:51:07,295
nervous. Nikki, that was
fabulous. I loved that. But
1041
00:51:07,296 --> 00:51:08,230
fabulous. I loved that. But
thank you, Kevin. But thank
1042
00:51:08,231 --> 00:51:09,696
thank you, Kevin. But thank
you, Kevin. You know, we want
1043
00:51:09,697 --> 00:51:11,132
you, Kevin. You know, we want
to keep it locker room, and
1044
00:51:11,133 --> 00:51:12,634
to keep it locker room, and
since we are in the locker
1045
00:51:12,635 --> 00:51:19,774
since we are in the locker
room, you know, you could have
1046
00:51:19,775 --> 00:51:20,309
room, you know, you could have
probably played linebacker.
1047
00:51:20,310 --> 00:51:22,043
Probably played linebacker.
Junior junior seau, ladies and
1048
00:51:22,044 --> 00:51:23,012
junior junior seau, ladies and
gentlemen. No, I've got one.
1049
00:51:23,013 --> 00:51:24,646
Gentlemen. No, I've got one.
I've got one. All that running
1050
00:51:24,647 --> 00:51:26,081
I've got one. All that running
you've been doing on
1051
00:51:26,082 --> 00:51:27,681
you've been doing on
Instagram, we're going to give
1052
00:51:27,682 --> 00:51:32,520
Instagram, we're going to give
you a midget league running
1053
00:51:32,521 --> 00:51:34,255
you a midget league running
back's name. Barely Sanders.
1054
00:51:34,256 --> 00:51:35,657
Back's name. Barely Sanders.
How about that? No, but man,
1055
00:51:35,658 --> 00:51:36,791
how about that? No, but man,
this shit is too easy, Kevin.
1056
00:51:36,792 --> 00:51:40,662
This shit is too easy, Kevin.
Get your ass in the back. But
1057
00:51:40,663 --> 00:51:42,796
get your ass in the back. But
really, but really, I only knew
1058
00:51:42,797 --> 00:51:44,732
really, but really, I only knew
Rob gronkowski for a little
1059
00:51:44,733 --> 00:51:47,769
Rob gronkowski for a little
bit, and we bonded over a
1060
00:51:47,770 --> 00:51:49,504
bit, and we bonded over a
hunting trip. And one thing
1061
00:51:49,505 --> 00:51:51,640
hunting trip. And one thing
that I really enjoyed about Rob
1062
00:51:51,641 --> 00:51:55,477
that I really enjoyed about Rob
and his hunting trip was he
1063
00:51:55,478 --> 00:51:57,112
and his hunting trip was he
brought me back the bird
1064
00:51:57,113 --> 00:51:57,646
brought me back the bird
without putting his teeth on
1065
00:51:57,647 --> 00:52:00,014
without putting his teeth on
the bird. So being the good boy
1066
00:52:00,015 --> 00:52:01,883
the bird. So being the good boy
that he is, you know, I had to
1067
00:52:01,884 --> 00:52:03,751
that he is, you know, I had to
give him a treat. That's a
1068
00:52:03,752 --> 00:52:04,487
give him a treat. That's a
good boy, gronk. That's a good
1069
00:52:04,488 --> 00:52:08,591
good boy, gronk. That's a good
boy. But okay, listen, I played
1070
00:52:08,592 --> 00:52:10,191
boy. But okay, listen, I played
three seasons with the new
1071
00:52:10,192 --> 00:52:16,530
three seasons with the new
england patriots, okay. Before
1072
00:52:16,531 --> 00:52:21,202
england patriots, okay. Before
I... before I got to the new
1073
00:52:21,203 --> 00:52:26,007
I... before I got to the new
england patriots, I heard or we
1074
00:52:26,008 --> 00:52:28,208
england patriots, I heard or we
heard about spygate. Then after
1075
00:52:28,209 --> 00:52:30,778
heard about spygate. Then after
I left, I hear about
1076
00:52:30,779 --> 00:52:34,516
I left, I hear about
deflategate. So I only got one
1077
00:52:34,517 --> 00:52:35,217
deflategate. So I only got one
question for you, Tom. Why the
1078
00:52:35,218 --> 00:52:36,552
question for you, Tom. Why the
fuck did we cheat when I was
1079
00:52:36,553 --> 00:52:44,553
fuck did we cheat when I was
there? I wanted to cheat too.
1080
00:52:45,660 --> 00:52:47,961
There? I wanted to cheat too.
My kids always ask me, daddy,
1081
00:52:47,962 --> 00:52:51,231
my kids always ask me, daddy,
why does everyone have a ring,
1082
00:52:51,232 --> 00:52:53,000
why does everyone have a ring,
but you? You know how hard it
1083
00:52:53,001 --> 00:52:54,903
but you? You know how hard it
is to look your kids in the
1084
00:52:54,904 --> 00:52:56,971
is to look your kids in the
eyes and say they just don't
1085
00:52:56,972 --> 00:53:01,142
eyes and say they just don't
trust me enough to cheat. So
1086
00:53:01,143 --> 00:53:03,477
trust me enough to cheat. So
come on, man, how did I miss
1087
00:53:03,478 --> 00:53:05,914
come on, man, how did I miss
out on the fucking dynasty,
1088
00:53:05,915 --> 00:53:06,515
out on the fucking dynasty,
Tom? The dynasty. I missed out
1089
00:53:06,516 --> 00:53:11,219
Tom? The dynasty. I missed out
on it. Well I'll tell you what
1090
00:53:11,220 --> 00:53:13,021
on it. Well I'll tell you what
you really deflated, Tom, my
1091
00:53:13,022 --> 00:53:14,656
you really deflated, Tom, my
fucking legacy, dude. Where
1092
00:53:14,657 --> 00:53:18,092
fucking legacy, dude. Where
would I be if I had a ring,
1093
00:53:18,093 --> 00:53:21,396
would I be if I had a ring,
okay? Where would I be?
1094
00:53:21,397 --> 00:53:21,931
Okay? Where would I be?
Everyone was cheating back
1095
00:53:21,932 --> 00:53:23,330
everyone was cheating back
then. David caught a ball on
1096
00:53:23,331 --> 00:53:25,366
then. David caught a ball on
the side of his helmet with a
1097
00:53:25,367 --> 00:53:26,500
the side of his helmet with a
magnet tied to his hand. The
1098
00:53:26,501 --> 00:53:27,303
magnet tied to his hand. The
New York giants were cheating
1099
00:53:27,304 --> 00:53:33,775
New York giants were cheating
back then. But everybody out
1100
00:53:33,776 --> 00:53:34,376
back then. But everybody out
there was cheating. Everybody,
1101
00:53:34,377 --> 00:53:38,746
there was cheating. Everybody,
but me. So Tom, you remember
1102
00:53:38,747 --> 00:53:39,348
but me. So Tom, you remember
our first season together?
1103
00:53:39,349 --> 00:53:47,349
Our first season together?
16-0? How about those 23
1104
00:53:48,824 --> 00:53:49,325
16-0? How about those 23
touchdowns?
1105
00:53:49,326 --> 00:53:53,962
Touchdowns?
Oh man.
1106
00:53:53,963 --> 00:53:55,063
Oh man.
That's something I never
1107
00:53:55,064 --> 00:53:56,064
that's something I never
forget. So since you're
1108
00:53:56,065 --> 00:53:58,099
forget. So since you're
feeling this way, are you
1109
00:53:58,100 --> 00:53:59,234
feeling this way, are you
feeling grateful? Nikki said
1110
00:53:59,235 --> 00:54:00,935
feeling grateful? Nikki said
you have eight. Why don't you
1111
00:54:00,936 --> 00:54:05,640
you have eight. Why don't you
give me one of those eight? The
1112
00:54:05,641 --> 00:54:07,408
give me one of those eight? The
first one against the rams.
1113
00:54:07,409 --> 00:54:10,478
First one against the rams.
That's the one I want. Willie
1114
00:54:10,479 --> 00:54:11,878
that's the one I want. Willie
mcginest, he played like shit
1115
00:54:11,879 --> 00:54:13,714
mcginest, he played like shit
in the super bowl against the
1116
00:54:13,715 --> 00:54:16,417
in the super bowl against the
St. Louis rams. Am I right?
1117
00:54:16,418 --> 00:54:17,719
St. Louis rams. Am I right?
Where are you at? Hey lonie
1118
00:54:17,720 --> 00:54:18,687
where are you at? Hey lonie
Paxton, you were the long
1119
00:54:18,688 --> 00:54:20,120
Paxton, you were the long
snapper to snap the ball for
1120
00:54:20,121 --> 00:54:22,222
snapper to snap the ball for
the game winning field goal, am
1121
00:54:22,223 --> 00:54:24,124
the game winning field goal, am
I right? Then you blocked for
1122
00:54:24,125 --> 00:54:27,795
I right? Then you blocked for
his sorry ass in the first
1123
00:54:27,796 --> 00:54:29,464
his sorry ass in the first
super bowl. So Tom, that's the
1124
00:54:29,465 --> 00:54:30,132
super bowl. So Tom, that's the
rings that I want. How about
1125
00:54:30,133 --> 00:54:36,504
rings that I want. How about
that? All right. So now you
1126
00:54:36,505 --> 00:54:39,241
that? All right. So now you
giving up a ring to me, that
1127
00:54:39,242 --> 00:54:42,210
giving up a ring to me, that
will fulfill my dream of
1128
00:54:42,211 --> 00:54:43,745
will fulfill my dream of
playing with you as a new
1129
00:54:43,746 --> 00:54:51,746
playing with you as a new
england patriot.
1130
00:54:53,889 --> 00:54:55,390
Playing with you as a new
england patriot. So Nikki said
1131
00:54:55,391 --> 00:54:56,358
england patriot. So Nikki said
that you took that one from
1132
00:54:56,359 --> 00:54:59,794
that you took that one from
Gisele. Maybe, I don't know,
1133
00:54:59,795 --> 00:55:01,462
Gisele. Maybe, I don't know,
we'll let the fans vote on
1134
00:55:01,463 --> 00:55:03,731
we'll let the fans vote on
that. You all look on
1135
00:55:03,732 --> 00:55:04,199
that. You all look on
Instagram. We voted. Randy
1136
00:55:04,200 --> 00:55:05,333
Instagram. We voted. Randy
moss, should he give me
1137
00:55:05,334 --> 00:55:08,970
moss, should he give me
Gisele's ring or the first
1138
00:55:08,971 --> 00:55:10,938
Gisele's ring or the first
super bowl ring that he looked
1139
00:55:10,939 --> 00:55:14,309
super bowl ring that he looked
like shit in? But gronk has
1140
00:55:14,310 --> 00:55:15,310
like shit in? But gronk has
four rings. Gronk has four
1141
00:55:15,311 --> 00:55:16,644
four rings. Gronk has four
rings. But when you open up,
1142
00:55:16,645 --> 00:55:18,746
rings. But when you open up,
you know when you open up the
1143
00:55:18,747 --> 00:55:20,048
you know when you open up the
label, you have to check
1144
00:55:20,049 --> 00:55:24,585
label, you have to check
because it says on the box only
1145
00:55:24,586 --> 00:55:27,322
because it says on the box only
ages three and up. So really
1146
00:55:27,323 --> 00:55:29,723
ages three and up. So really
it's a choking hazard, gronk.
1147
00:55:29,724 --> 00:55:33,394
It's a choking hazard, gronk.
I know. But let me say this,
1148
00:55:33,395 --> 00:55:34,829
I know. But let me say this,
drew bledsoe was in the
1149
00:55:34,830 --> 00:55:41,169
drew bledsoe was in the
freaking hospital, and he got a
1150
00:55:41,170 --> 00:55:42,437
freaking hospital, and he got a
super bowl ring. Tom, Nate
1151
00:55:42,438 --> 00:55:43,904
super bowl ring. Tom, Nate
ebner, Nate ebner, who the fuck
1152
00:55:43,905 --> 00:55:47,075
ebner, Nate ebner, who the fuck
is Nate ebner, dude? He has
1153
00:55:47,076 --> 00:55:52,647
is Nate ebner, dude? He has
three super bowl rings. Mr.
1154
00:55:52,648 --> 00:55:53,215
Three super bowl rings. Mr.
Kraft, Vladimir putin has a
1155
00:55:53,216 --> 00:56:01,216
kraft, Vladimir putin has a
ring? So the two guys that
1156
00:56:01,557 --> 00:56:03,256
ring? So the two guys that
deflated the football... no,
1157
00:56:03,257 --> 00:56:04,659
deflated the football... no,
you know, I'm sorry. I'm
1158
00:56:04,660 --> 00:56:06,128
you know, I'm sorry. I'm
sorry. That's a bad example.
1159
00:56:06,129 --> 00:56:08,563
Sorry. That's a bad example.
They deserved them. They
1160
00:56:08,564 --> 00:56:09,365
they deserved them. They
deserved them. They deserved
1161
00:56:09,366 --> 00:56:13,601
deserved them. They deserved
them. Look, before I became a
1162
00:56:13,602 --> 00:56:15,436
them. Look, before I became a
patriot, you were america's
1163
00:56:15,437 --> 00:56:15,871
patriot, you were america's
quarterback. Everyone thought
1164
00:56:15,872 --> 00:56:18,574
quarterback. Everyone thought
you were soft, but I got to see
1165
00:56:18,575 --> 00:56:20,375
you were soft, but I got to see
your tenacity and how you
1166
00:56:20,376 --> 00:56:22,043
your tenacity and how you
prepared for the game and you
1167
00:56:22,044 --> 00:56:26,681
prepared for the game and you
approached the game like a hard
1168
00:56:26,682 --> 00:56:30,319
approached the game like a hard
hitting linebacker.
1169
00:56:34,389 --> 00:56:34,690
Even though we didn't win it
all, I still got everything
1170
00:56:34,691 --> 00:56:37,625
all, I still got everything
that I wanted because I got to
1171
00:56:37,626 --> 00:56:41,863
that I wanted because I got to
play with the greatest
1172
00:56:41,864 --> 00:56:44,199
play with the greatest
quarterback has ever lived.
1173
00:56:52,407 --> 00:56:59,881
And for three years, we scared
the entire national football
1174
00:56:59,882 --> 00:57:01,315
the entire national football
league. Tom, you're still my
1175
00:57:01,316 --> 00:57:02,217
league. Tom, you're still my
quarterback even though you did
1176
00:57:02,218 --> 00:57:06,487
quarterback even though you did
not want me to be your
1177
00:57:06,488 --> 00:57:08,122
not want me to be your
accomplice. Ladies and
1178
00:57:08,123 --> 00:57:09,257
accomplice. Ladies and
gentlemen, man, I love this
1179
00:57:09,258 --> 00:57:10,058
gentlemen, man, I love this
man. He gave me an opportunity.
1180
00:57:10,059 --> 00:57:12,093
Man. He gave me an opportunity.
You know the story about me
1181
00:57:12,094 --> 00:57:12,995
you know the story about me
sneaking in the hotel to see
1182
00:57:12,996 --> 00:57:14,195
sneaking in the hotel to see
him. They told me to come up
1183
00:57:14,196 --> 00:57:16,097
him. They told me to come up
here for a roast, man, and I
1184
00:57:16,098 --> 00:57:17,732
here for a roast, man, and I
told them for Tom Brady, man,
1185
00:57:17,733 --> 00:57:19,133
told them for Tom Brady, man,
I'll come and do anything for
1186
00:57:19,134 --> 00:57:22,969
I'll come and do anything for
Tom. Thanks for having me, man.
1187
00:57:22,970 --> 00:57:26,775
Tom. Thanks for having me, man.
I appreciate you guys.
1188
00:57:35,371 --> 00:57:43,371
Wow. Wow. Randy moss. Did
you hear that, Tom? That man's
1189
00:57:44,593 --> 00:57:45,659
you hear that, Tom? That man's
fucking hurt. He's hurt. I can
1190
00:57:45,660 --> 00:57:47,093
fucking hurt. He's hurt. I can
god dam see it. I see the way
1191
00:57:47,094 --> 00:57:49,797
god dam see it. I see the way
he looks at you. You guys
1192
00:57:49,798 --> 00:57:52,767
he looks at you. You guys
fucked him over, man. It's
1193
00:57:52,768 --> 00:57:53,368
fucked him over, man. It's
fucking ridiculous, man. You
1194
00:57:53,369 --> 00:57:54,535
fucking ridiculous, man. You
goddamn put him in the
1195
00:57:54,536 --> 00:57:56,771
goddamn put him in the
situation to come up here and
1196
00:57:56,772 --> 00:57:58,306
situation to come up here and
expose himself like that as a
1197
00:57:58,307 --> 00:57:59,807
expose himself like that as a
black man. By the way, Randy,
1198
00:57:59,808 --> 00:58:01,209
black man. By the way, Randy,
there's only three black men
1199
00:58:01,210 --> 00:58:03,946
there's only three black men
up here, well four. You've got
1200
00:58:03,947 --> 00:58:10,384
up here, well four. You've got
you, me, Willie, Sam, who else?
1201
00:58:10,385 --> 00:58:11,320
You, me, Willie, Sam, who else?
What, five? Six? Sorry, no,
1202
00:58:11,321 --> 00:58:14,856
what, five? Six? Sorry, no,
Sam. I was going down the line,
1203
00:58:14,857 --> 00:58:15,591
Sam. I was going down the line,
and I swear to god... [
1204
00:58:15,591 --> 00:58:15,624
and I swear to god... [
laughter
1205
00:58:15,625 --> 00:58:19,292
and I swear to god... does anybody know
1206
00:58:19,293 --> 00:58:21,329
Does anybody know
Randy moss came up here and
1207
00:58:21,330 --> 00:58:29,330
Randy moss came up here and
dressed like a public school
1208
00:58:29,571 --> 00:58:30,272
dressed like a public school
substitute teacher. Jesus
1209
00:58:30,273 --> 00:58:31,906
substitute teacher. Jesus
Christ. God damn. Randy has
1210
00:58:31,907 --> 00:58:34,509
Christ. God damn. Randy has
proved black people can be
1211
00:58:34,510 --> 00:58:35,410
proved black people can be
white trash, right there.
1212
00:58:35,411 --> 00:58:39,114
White trash, right there.
That's it.
1213
00:58:41,116 --> 00:58:43,084
Yeah, let me start drinking.
It's going to be long. It's
1214
00:58:43,085 --> 00:58:45,286
it's going to be long. It's
going to be a long night. Okay,
1215
00:58:45,287 --> 00:58:47,255
going to be a long night. Okay,
Randy is done. We're going to
1216
00:58:47,256 --> 00:58:47,956
Randy is done. We're going to
keep it going, guys. Let's keep
1217
00:58:47,957 --> 00:58:49,524
keep it going, guys. Let's keep
it going, keep it going, keep
1218
00:58:49,525 --> 00:58:51,491
it going, keep it going, keep
it going, keep it going, keep
1219
00:58:51,492 --> 00:58:53,227
it going, keep it going, keep
it going, there you go. All
1220
00:58:53,228 --> 00:58:55,162
it going, there you go. All
right. Guys, next for a very
1221
00:58:55,163 --> 00:58:56,064
right. Guys, next for a very
special toast, right? This
1222
00:58:56,065 --> 00:58:58,133
special toast, right? This
toast has to come from somebody
1223
00:58:58,134 --> 00:59:00,935
toast has to come from somebody
worthy of a moment and such. A
1224
00:59:00,936 --> 00:59:04,205
worthy of a moment and such. A
special friend and a special
1225
00:59:04,206 --> 00:59:08,342
special friend and a special
lady, Kim Kardashian. Come on.
1226
00:59:22,557 --> 00:59:24,826
Thank you so much, Kevin.
Well, thank you.
1227
00:59:26,595 --> 00:59:34,595
I know a lot of people make fun
of your height... all right,
1228
00:59:35,571 --> 00:59:38,539
of your height... all right,
all right. All right.
1229
00:59:38,540 --> 00:59:39,941
All right. All right.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
1230
00:59:39,942 --> 00:59:40,275
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
1231
00:59:40,276 --> 00:59:41,375
Whoa.
All right, Kevin. I know a
1232
00:59:41,376 --> 00:59:44,111
all right, Kevin. I know a
lot of people make fun of your
1233
00:59:44,112 --> 00:59:47,114
lot of people make fun of your
height, but what people don't
1234
00:59:47,115 --> 00:59:49,383
height, but what people don't
know is you're also pretty
1235
00:59:49,384 --> 00:59:52,955
know is you're also pretty
mean, which makes you the
1236
00:59:52,956 --> 00:59:57,325
mean, which makes you the
smallest black dick I've ever
1237
00:59:57,326 --> 00:59:57,960
smallest black dick I've ever
seen. All right, sorry, guys. I
1238
00:59:57,961 --> 00:59:59,226
seen. All right, sorry, guys. I
would have written jokes for
1239
00:59:59,227 --> 01:00:03,197
would have written jokes for
you, but I literally don't
1240
01:00:03,198 --> 01:00:05,199
you, but I literally don't
know who you are. Okay, but
1241
01:00:05,200 --> 01:00:06,667
know who you are. Okay, but
I'm really here tonight for
1242
01:00:06,668 --> 01:00:08,369
I'm really here tonight for
Tom. I wasn't going to come
1243
01:00:08,370 --> 01:00:10,171
Tom. I wasn't going to come
tonight, but since I'm not
1244
01:00:10,172 --> 01:00:12,707
tonight, but since I'm not
here as Tom's date, there is
1245
01:00:12,708 --> 01:00:15,042
here as Tom's date, there is
still a good chance I might.
1246
01:00:15,043 --> 01:00:17,512
Still a good chance I might.
Speaking of Tom and I dating, I
1247
01:00:17,513 --> 01:00:20,648
speaking of Tom and I dating, I
know there were some rumors
1248
01:00:20,649 --> 01:00:22,682
know there were some rumors
that we were, and I never say
1249
01:00:22,683 --> 01:00:27,321
that we were, and I never say
if we did or not, I would just
1250
01:00:27,322 --> 01:00:31,257
if we did or not, I would just
release the tape. But I do know
1251
01:00:31,258 --> 01:00:34,362
release the tape. But I do know
it would never work out. An
1252
01:00:34,363 --> 01:00:35,030
it would never work out. An
ex-athlete, high cheekbones,
1253
01:00:35,031 --> 01:00:36,831
ex-athlete, high cheekbones,
silky hair. You remind me too
1254
01:00:36,832 --> 01:00:44,832
silky hair. You remind me too
much of my step dad now.
1255
01:00:50,779 --> 01:00:52,746
Silky hair. You remind me too
much of my step dad now. A part
1256
01:00:52,747 --> 01:00:56,384
much of my step dad now. A part
of me thinks you would want to
1257
01:00:56,385 --> 01:00:58,285
of me thinks you would want to
try on my clothes. I know the
1258
01:00:58,286 --> 01:00:59,920
try on my clothes. I know the
transition from the NFL must
1259
01:00:59,921 --> 01:01:01,389
transition from the NFL must
have been really hard, but I
1260
01:01:01,390 --> 01:01:03,557
have been really hard, but I
think my step dad is a great
1261
01:01:03,558 --> 01:01:05,492
think my step dad is a great
example for you. She's one of
1262
01:01:05,493 --> 01:01:06,993
example for you. She's one of
the best athletes in the world
1263
01:01:06,994 --> 01:01:09,196
the best athletes in the world
to prove you can do anything in
1264
01:01:09,197 --> 01:01:12,266
to prove you can do anything in
this next chapter of your life.
1265
01:01:12,267 --> 01:01:16,003
This next chapter of your life.
You can become a commentator, a
1266
01:01:16,004 --> 01:01:19,306
you can become a commentator, a
far right republican, or even a
1267
01:01:19,307 --> 01:01:22,243
far right republican, or even a
strong confident woman. No,
1268
01:01:22,244 --> 01:01:23,811
strong confident woman. No,
seriously, I think it is so
1269
01:01:23,812 --> 01:01:25,680
seriously, I think it is so
great the way that you're
1270
01:01:25,681 --> 01:01:27,314
great the way that you're
showing everyone that even
1271
01:01:27,315 --> 01:01:30,117
showing everyone that even
after winning seven super
1272
01:01:30,118 --> 01:01:30,719
after winning seven super
bowls, you can still have a
1273
01:01:30,720 --> 01:01:34,321
bowls, you can still have a
midlife crisis. Honestly it's
1274
01:01:34,322 --> 01:01:37,091
midlife crisis. Honestly it's
hard for me to watch people
1275
01:01:37,092 --> 01:01:38,426
hard for me to watch people
roast you, but I think enough
1276
01:01:38,427 --> 01:01:44,765
roast you, but I think enough
of my family members have
1277
01:01:44,766 --> 01:01:47,536
of my family members have
helped defend former football
1278
01:01:47,537 --> 01:01:50,639
helped defend former football
players.
1279
01:01:54,709 --> 01:01:58,212
So I'm just here tonight to
support you and celebrate you.
1280
01:01:58,213 --> 01:01:58,747
Support you and celebrate you.
Retirement isn't easy. It can
1281
01:01:58,748 --> 01:02:01,182
retirement isn't easy. It can
be a lot like a bad breakup. So
1282
01:02:01,183 --> 01:02:02,850
be a lot like a bad breakup. So
I'll give you the same advice
1283
01:02:02,851 --> 01:02:04,852
I'll give you the same advice
that I give all my exes, good
1284
01:02:04,853 --> 01:02:09,223
that I give all my exes, good
luck knowing the best is behind
1285
01:02:09,224 --> 01:02:09,825
luck knowing the best is behind
you. Congratulations, Tom.
1286
01:02:09,826 --> 01:02:15,197
You. Congratulations, Tom.
Cheers, everyone to Tom Brady.
1287
01:02:22,737 --> 01:02:30,010
It's good shit, Kim.
Give it up for Kim
1288
01:02:30,011 --> 01:02:30,579
give it up for Kim
Kardashian, everybody. Yes.
1289
01:02:30,579 --> 01:02:31,077
Kardashian, everybody. Yes.
Beautiful. Thank you, Kim. Have
1290
01:02:31,078 --> 01:02:33,781
beautiful. Thank you, Kim. Have
a seat. We're going to auction
1291
01:02:33,782 --> 01:02:38,652
a seat. We're going to auction
off your seat cushion later to
1292
01:02:38,653 --> 01:02:40,121
off your seat cushion later to
raise money for erectile
1293
01:02:40,122 --> 01:02:42,256
raise money for erectile
dysfunction. We're live on
1294
01:02:42,257 --> 01:02:42,891
dysfunction. We're live on
Netflix. If you're just tuning
1295
01:02:42,892 --> 01:02:47,461
Netflix. If you're just tuning
in, this is not love on the
1296
01:02:47,462 --> 01:02:53,200
in, this is not love on the
spectrum. This is hate in the
1297
01:02:53,201 --> 01:02:57,704
spectrum. This is hate in the
forum. Everybody's here. I've
1298
01:02:57,705 --> 01:03:00,574
forum. Everybody's here. I've
got so many friends here. Look,
1299
01:03:00,575 --> 01:03:01,343
got so many friends here. Look,
Marco andretti is here. I bet
1300
01:03:01,344 --> 01:03:06,847
Marco andretti is here. I bet
you two laid down a lot of
1301
01:03:06,848 --> 01:03:08,549
you two laid down a lot of
rubber. Does he ever finish
1302
01:03:08,550 --> 01:03:08,750
rubber. Does he ever finish
first? [ Laughter
1303
01:03:08,751 --> 01:03:11,919
rubber. Does he ever finish
first? Great job,
1304
01:03:11,920 --> 01:03:13,086
first? Great job,
Kim. Caitlyn jenner wanted to
1305
01:03:13,087 --> 01:03:20,059
Kim. Caitlyn jenner wanted to
be here, but she was confused
1306
01:03:20,060 --> 01:03:21,295
be here, but she was confused
by the tuck roll. It's my
1307
01:03:21,296 --> 01:03:26,868
by the tuck roll. It's my
honor to bring up our next act.
1308
01:03:26,869 --> 01:03:30,271
Honor to bring up our next act.
Are you ready, mother fuckers?
1309
01:03:36,811 --> 01:03:40,649
Please welcome Bert kreischer,
Tom segura, the two bears!
1310
01:03:48,823 --> 01:03:50,625
Thank you. Thank you, Jeff
for turning this special night
1311
01:03:50,626 --> 01:03:54,461
for turning this special night
into one more opportunity you
1312
01:03:54,462 --> 01:03:54,930
into one more opportunity you
couldn't turn down.
1313
01:03:54,931 --> 01:03:59,033
Couldn't turn down.
God, you are such a fucking
1314
01:03:59,034 --> 01:04:01,100
god, you are such a fucking
whore. And that's coming from
1315
01:04:01,101 --> 01:04:01,469
whore. And that's coming from
me, Jeff.
1316
01:04:01,470 --> 01:04:04,905
Me, Jeff.
Thank you for inviting us to
1317
01:04:04,906 --> 01:04:08,043
thank you for inviting us to
celebrate the goat wg.
1318
01:04:08,044 --> 01:04:09,877
Celebrate the goat wg.
Wait, what's that? Wait?
1319
01:04:09,878 --> 01:04:11,679
Wait, what's that? Wait?
Goat wg?
1320
01:04:11,680 --> 01:04:15,416
Goat wg?
Greatest of all time white
1321
01:04:15,417 --> 01:04:15,784
greatest of all time white guy.
1322
01:04:15,784 --> 01:04:16,751
Guy.
Awe, fuck yeah.
1323
01:04:16,752 --> 01:04:19,955
Awe, fuck yeah.
You know, our people don't
1324
01:04:19,956 --> 01:04:26,594
you know, our people don't
get many days like these
1325
01:04:26,595 --> 01:04:26,828
get many days like these
anymore.
1326
01:04:26,829 --> 01:04:28,263
Anymore.
No, we really don't.
1327
01:04:28,264 --> 01:04:31,232
No, we really don't.
Netflix is hoping some trans
1328
01:04:31,233 --> 01:04:33,467
Netflix is hoping some trans
amputee skier was popular
1329
01:04:33,468 --> 01:04:35,469
amputee skier was popular
enough to do this, but instead
1330
01:04:35,470 --> 01:04:40,174
enough to do this, but instead
they settled for the greatest
1331
01:04:40,175 --> 01:04:40,775
they settled for the greatest
white guy alive. It's rare
1332
01:04:40,776 --> 01:04:44,813
white guy alive. It's rare
that they let us have a night.
1333
01:04:44,814 --> 01:04:50,417
That they let us have a night.
They have taken everything from
1334
01:04:50,418 --> 01:04:56,490
they have taken everything from
us. Golf, tennis, hockey, and
1335
01:04:56,491 --> 01:04:57,325
us. Golf, tennis, hockey, and
even baseball, once america's
1336
01:04:57,326 --> 01:05:01,996
even baseball, once america's
past time isn't even played by
1337
01:05:01,997 --> 01:05:02,497
past time isn't even played by
Americans now. [ Speaking
1338
01:05:02,497 --> 01:05:02,697
Americans now. [ Speaking
foreign language
1339
01:05:02,698 --> 01:05:07,301
Americans now.
1340
01:05:07,302 --> 01:05:10,804
You fucking traitor.
1341
01:05:10,805 --> 01:05:13,707
You fucking traitor.
But tonight isn't about
1342
01:05:13,708 --> 01:05:16,945
but tonight isn't about
them. It's about this
1343
01:05:16,946 --> 01:05:18,612
them. It's about this
incredible white American man.
1344
01:05:18,613 --> 01:05:19,114
Incredible white American man.
Two solid whites.
1345
01:05:19,115 --> 01:05:27,115
Two solid whites.
Yeah.
1346
01:05:27,489 --> 01:05:28,423
Yeah.
And ladies and gentlemen,
1347
01:05:28,424 --> 01:05:30,591
and ladies and gentlemen,
tonight isn't just about Tom
1348
01:05:30,592 --> 01:05:32,327
tonight isn't just about Tom
Brady's dream of securing a
1349
01:05:32,328 --> 01:05:35,162
Brady's dream of securing a
future for white children in
1350
01:05:35,163 --> 01:05:36,031
future for white children in
this country.
1351
01:05:36,032 --> 01:05:38,533
This country.
No, it isn't. Tonight is
1352
01:05:38,534 --> 01:05:39,999
no, it isn't. Tonight is
about celebrating everything
1353
01:05:40,000 --> 01:05:43,270
about celebrating everything
Tom Brady stands for.
1354
01:05:43,271 --> 01:05:48,776
Tom Brady stands for.
He is so good looking.
1355
01:05:48,777 --> 01:05:51,445
He is so good looking.
Oh. He's fucking gorgeous.
1356
01:05:51,446 --> 01:05:58,619
Oh. He's fucking gorgeous.
Look at his fucking picture.
1357
01:05:52,046 --> 01:05:53,566
Look at his fucking picture.
[ Laughter
1358
01:05:58,620 --> 01:06:02,856
Look at his fucking picture.
Who fucking takes
1359
01:06:02,857 --> 01:06:03,491
who fucking takes
this picture? Was he pregnant?
1360
01:06:03,492 --> 01:06:08,996
This picture? Was he pregnant?
Fuck!
1361
01:06:08,997 --> 01:06:16,997
Fuck!
It's fucking gay as shit.
1362
01:06:18,840 --> 01:06:19,574
It's fucking gay as shit.
He...
1363
01:06:19,575 --> 01:06:24,545
He...
That's you! That's you.
1364
01:06:24,546 --> 01:06:26,847
That's you! That's you.
He's also, he is also
1365
01:06:26,848 --> 01:06:27,082
he's also, he is also
relentless.
1366
01:06:27,082 --> 01:06:27,682
Relentless.
Oh, you can't tell that guy
1367
01:06:27,683 --> 01:06:32,886
oh, you can't tell that guy
no. And he has that one thing
1368
01:06:32,887 --> 01:06:36,957
no. And he has that one thing
that only special men have.
1369
01:06:36,958 --> 01:06:37,726
That only special men have.
He's HIV positive?
1370
01:06:37,727 --> 01:06:40,661
He's HIV positive?
No. That was magic, and it
1371
01:06:40,662 --> 01:06:41,262
no. That was magic, and it
happened right here in this
1372
01:06:41,263 --> 01:06:49,263
happened right here in this
building. So much fucking. But
1373
01:06:51,741 --> 01:06:54,675
building. So much fucking. But
what Tom Brady has is that
1374
01:06:54,676 --> 01:06:55,477
what Tom Brady has is that
killer instinct.
1375
01:06:55,478 --> 01:06:57,077
Killer instinct.
Which makes Netflix the
1376
01:06:57,078 --> 01:06:58,946
which makes Netflix the
perfect place for Tom Brady.
1377
01:06:58,947 --> 01:07:03,283
Perfect place for Tom Brady.
Yes. Because if there's one
1378
01:07:03,284 --> 01:07:05,285
yes. Because if there's one
thing Netflix loves, it's
1379
01:07:05,286 --> 01:07:05,720
thing Netflix loves, it's
serial killers.
1380
01:07:05,721 --> 01:07:07,455
Serial killers.
Don't believe us? Let us
1381
01:07:07,456 --> 01:07:11,657
don't believe us? Let us
compare him with another famous
1382
01:07:11,658 --> 01:07:12,327
compare him with another famous
TV. Ted Bundy. Fuck, he's
1383
01:07:12,328 --> 01:07:14,895
TV. Ted Bundy. Fuck, he's
gorgeous too. I think I might
1384
01:07:14,896 --> 01:07:16,765
gorgeous too. I think I might
need a new hall pass.
1385
01:07:16,766 --> 01:07:19,066
Need a new hall pass.
Bundy has so many emotional
1386
01:07:19,067 --> 01:07:20,066
Bundy has so many emotional
traits that Tom has. Let's take
1387
01:07:20,067 --> 01:07:24,304
traits that Tom has. Let's take
a look.
1388
01:07:24,305 --> 01:07:26,807
A look.
Wait, what's this?
1389
01:07:26,808 --> 01:07:28,441
Wait, what's this?
This is the track list. It
1390
01:07:28,442 --> 01:07:31,111
this is the track list. It
has helped me understand my
1391
01:07:31,112 --> 01:07:34,048
has helped me understand my
wife better. And as you can
1392
01:07:34,049 --> 01:07:35,649
wife better. And as you can
see, Tom Brady checks all the
1393
01:07:35,650 --> 01:07:36,051
see, Tom Brady checks all the
boxes.
1394
01:07:36,052 --> 01:07:39,018
Boxes.
Maybe they should call it
1395
01:07:39,019 --> 01:07:39,721
maybe they should call it
the Brady list?
1396
01:07:39,722 --> 01:07:40,854
The Brady list?
Believe me, Bert, one day
1397
01:07:40,855 --> 01:07:48,228
believe me, Bert, one day
they will. Glibness superficial
1398
01:07:48,229 --> 01:07:49,097
they will. Glibness superficial
charm, Brady's got it.
1399
01:07:49,098 --> 01:07:52,266
Charm, Brady's got it.
How does a smile just
1400
01:07:52,267 --> 01:07:56,870
how does a smile just
disappear like that?
1401
01:07:56,871 --> 01:07:59,473
Disappear like that?
It doesn't end there, Bert.
1402
01:07:59,474 --> 01:08:01,141
It doesn't end there, Bert.
Grandiose sense of self-worth.
1403
01:08:01,142 --> 01:08:02,276
Grandiose sense of self-worth.
This mother fucker's got it.
1404
01:08:02,277 --> 01:08:03,844
This mother fucker's got it.
To be fair, Gisele got half
1405
01:08:03,845 --> 01:08:04,679
to be fair, Gisele got half
that check.
1406
01:08:04,680 --> 01:08:06,080
That check.
Yeah, that's a good point.
1407
01:08:06,081 --> 01:08:11,386
Yeah, that's a good point.
Fuck you, is she here? Then
1408
01:08:11,387 --> 01:08:13,387
fuck you, is she here? Then
shut the fuck up.
1409
01:08:13,388 --> 01:08:17,458
Shut the fuck up.
Brady even has the need for
1410
01:08:17,459 --> 01:08:18,525
Brady even has the need for
stimulation prone to boredom
1411
01:08:18,526 --> 01:08:19,928
stimulation prone to boredom
that all the psychos have. I'm
1412
01:08:19,929 --> 01:08:24,965
that all the psychos have. I'm
retired, you know what, I'm not
1413
01:08:24,966 --> 01:08:32,966
retired, you know what, I'm not
retired. Tom Brady is 100% a
1414
01:08:33,408 --> 01:08:35,509
retired. Tom Brady is 100% a
psychopath. He's from northern
1415
01:08:35,510 --> 01:08:36,411
psychopath. He's from northern
California like the zodiac
1416
01:08:36,411 --> 01:08:36,611
California like the zodiac
killer.
1417
01:08:36,612 --> 01:08:37,678
Killer.
He choked a couple of times
1418
01:08:37,679 --> 01:08:41,715
he choked a couple of times
in new england like the Boston
1419
01:08:41,716 --> 01:08:42,117
in new england like the Boston
strangler.
1420
01:08:42,117 --> 01:08:42,584
Strangler.
Yeah.
1421
01:08:42,585 --> 01:08:48,122
Yeah.
And he chewed up and spat
1422
01:08:48,123 --> 01:08:49,490
and he chewed up and spat
out the competition just like
1423
01:08:49,491 --> 01:08:50,624
out the competition just like
dahmer.
1424
01:08:50,625 --> 01:08:53,794
Dahmer.
What about another Netflix
1425
01:08:53,795 --> 01:08:54,329
what about another Netflix
documentary, darling Jeffrey
1426
01:08:54,329 --> 01:08:54,596
documentary, darling Jeffrey
Epstein?
1427
01:08:54,597 --> 01:08:56,063
Epstein?
Well, he wasn't a serial
1428
01:08:56,064 --> 01:08:58,832
well, he wasn't a serial
killer. He just had a sex
1429
01:08:58,833 --> 01:08:59,300
killer. He just had a sex
trafficking ring. Unlike Tom,
1430
01:08:59,301 --> 01:09:05,772
trafficking ring. Unlike Tom,
it was a ring he earned
1431
01:09:05,773 --> 01:09:07,218
it was a ring he earned
legitimately without cheating.
1432
01:09:07,242 --> 01:09:14,948
He is an ice cold killer.
No. That was Aaron
1433
01:09:14,949 --> 01:09:15,550
no. That was Aaron
Hernandez, Tom's bestie. And
1434
01:09:15,551 --> 01:09:17,619
Hernandez, Tom's bestie. And
favorite target. Look at this,
1435
01:09:17,620 --> 01:09:21,455
favorite target. Look at this,
just a couple of goofballs
1436
01:09:21,456 --> 01:09:22,423
just a couple of goofballs
having a laugh.
1437
01:09:22,424 --> 01:09:24,091
Having a laugh.
Oh my god.
1438
01:09:24,092 --> 01:09:24,292
Oh my god.
What?
1439
01:09:24,293 --> 01:09:27,094
What?
I just realized, it hit me.
1440
01:09:27,095 --> 01:09:31,498
I just realized, it hit me.
Tom Brady is just like another
1441
01:09:31,499 --> 01:09:32,066
Tom Brady is just like another
famous not-so-nice guy.
1442
01:09:32,067 --> 01:09:33,600
Famous not-so-nice guy.
Wait, you mean that
1443
01:09:33,601 --> 01:09:34,935
wait, you mean that
notorious team leader who was
1444
01:09:34,936 --> 01:09:37,069
notorious team leader who was
told he wasn't any good, but
1445
01:09:37,070 --> 01:09:37,972
told he wasn't any good, but
he still pushed through and
1446
01:09:37,973 --> 01:09:41,942
he still pushed through and
made sure everyone knew his
1447
01:09:41,943 --> 01:09:42,744
made sure everyone knew his
name?
1448
01:09:42,745 --> 01:09:47,080
Name?
You got it. Hitler!
1449
01:09:47,081 --> 01:09:47,415
You got it. Hitler!
Yeah.
1450
01:09:47,416 --> 01:09:49,016
Yeah.
They're so alike. The only
1451
01:09:49,017 --> 01:09:51,351
they're so alike. The only
difference is they look so cute
1452
01:09:51,352 --> 01:09:51,619
difference is they look so cute
together.
1453
01:09:51,619 --> 01:09:52,253
Together.
They do.
1454
01:09:52,254 --> 01:09:53,420
They do.
The only difference between
1455
01:09:53,421 --> 01:09:54,588
the only difference between
Tom Brady and Hitler is that
1456
01:09:54,589 --> 01:10:00,027
Tom Brady and Hitler is that
Hitler stuck with his wife
1457
01:10:00,028 --> 01:10:01,328
Hitler stuck with his wife
until the end.
1458
01:10:01,329 --> 01:10:03,197
Until the end.
At least, at least Hitler
1459
01:10:03,198 --> 01:10:05,732
at least, at least Hitler
had the balls to do what we
1460
01:10:05,733 --> 01:10:10,036
had the balls to do what we
wish Brady would. Put a bullet
1461
01:10:10,037 --> 01:10:11,872
wish Brady would. Put a bullet
in his head.
1462
01:10:11,873 --> 01:10:12,240
In his head.
Stay retired.
1463
01:10:12,241 --> 01:10:13,407
Stay retired.
Tom Brady, you are a
1464
01:10:13,408 --> 01:10:15,042
Tom Brady, you are a
terrifying man, and we are so
1465
01:10:15,043 --> 01:10:19,012
terrifying man, and we are so
glad you found football before
1466
01:10:19,013 --> 01:10:19,581
glad you found football before
hookers and genocide. Please
1467
01:10:19,582 --> 01:10:21,047
hookers and genocide. Please
note these are all just jokes,
1468
01:10:21,048 --> 01:10:23,784
note these are all just jokes,
and we do not want to die.
1469
01:10:23,785 --> 01:10:24,717
And we do not want to die.
Yeah. Seriously, dude, you
1470
01:10:24,718 --> 01:10:26,086
yeah. Seriously, dude, you
are the best. Thank you for
1471
01:10:26,087 --> 01:10:27,019
are the best. Thank you for
having us. Please don't kill
1472
01:10:27,020 --> 01:10:29,089
having us. Please don't kill
us. We really want to live. We
1473
01:10:29,090 --> 01:10:29,591
us. We really want to live. We
have families.
1474
01:10:29,592 --> 01:10:37,592
Have families.
Please, please don't kill
1475
01:10:37,799 --> 01:10:38,299
please, please don't kill
us, Tom. Thank you.
1476
01:10:38,300 --> 01:10:40,734
Us, Tom. Thank you.
Wow. Wow. Wow, wow, wow.
1477
01:10:40,735 --> 01:10:43,270
Wow. Wow. Wow, wow, wow.
Guys, we are having an amazing
1478
01:10:43,271 --> 01:10:43,805
guys, we are having an amazing
night. On a night like this,
1479
01:10:43,806 --> 01:10:45,405
night. On a night like this,
you just need to go out and
1480
01:10:45,406 --> 01:10:47,707
you just need to go out and
check on people, right? How are
1481
01:10:47,708 --> 01:10:51,945
check on people, right? How are
you doing, man? It's the
1482
01:10:51,946 --> 01:10:52,680
you doing, man? It's the
goddamn table full of fighters.
1483
01:10:52,681 --> 01:10:55,882
Goddamn table full of fighters.
They there, are you having a
1484
01:10:55,883 --> 01:10:57,150
they there, are you having a
good time? I'm not going to
1485
01:10:57,151 --> 01:10:59,019
good time? I'm not going to
fuck you. Were you about to hit
1486
01:10:59,020 --> 01:11:02,155
fuck you. Were you about to hit
me? Jesus Christ, racism in
1487
01:11:02,156 --> 01:11:06,693
me? Jesus Christ, racism in
real time. How you doing, big
1488
01:11:06,694 --> 01:11:07,794
real time. How you doing, big
guy? Sit down, boss. Say hello.
1489
01:11:07,795 --> 01:11:08,763
Guy? Sit down, boss. Say hello.
We're killing time right now.
1490
01:11:08,764 --> 01:11:12,266
We're killing time right now.
But do your cool face right
1491
01:11:12,267 --> 01:11:14,234
but do your cool face right
now. Nah, that looks stupid.
1492
01:11:14,235 --> 01:11:15,234
Now. Nah, that looks stupid.
Move. You fucking blew it. Look
1493
01:11:15,235 --> 01:11:16,436
move. You fucking blew it. Look
at these beautiful women over
1494
01:11:16,437 --> 01:11:19,640
at these beautiful women over
here. Here is my wife and her
1495
01:11:19,641 --> 01:11:20,807
here. Here is my wife and her
two brothers. That's dom and
1496
01:11:20,808 --> 01:11:23,143
two brothers. That's dom and
that's Kyle. And this is my
1497
01:11:23,144 --> 01:11:24,045
that's Kyle. And this is my
wife. All right, guys, we're
1498
01:11:24,046 --> 01:11:27,514
wife. All right, guys, we're
set. We are going to keep it
1499
01:11:27,515 --> 01:11:28,082
set. We are going to keep it
going. Oh my god. What an
1500
01:11:28,083 --> 01:11:30,517
going. Oh my god. What an
amazing time that we are about
1501
01:11:30,518 --> 01:11:31,219
amazing time that we are about
to have. Ladies and gentlemen,
1502
01:11:31,220 --> 01:11:33,287
to have. Ladies and gentlemen,
ladies and gentlemen, with that
1503
01:11:33,288 --> 01:11:35,454
ladies and gentlemen, with that
being said, make some noise for
1504
01:11:35,455 --> 01:11:39,526
being said, make some noise for
a friend, a funny favorite of
1505
01:11:39,527 --> 01:11:42,830
a friend, a funny favorite of
mine, Sam Jay.
1506
01:11:49,303 --> 01:11:57,277
Wow, it is truly amazing to
be here, seriously. I'm from
1507
01:11:57,278 --> 01:11:58,779
be here, seriously. I'm from
Boston. So I'm absolutely
1508
01:11:58,780 --> 01:11:59,747
Boston. So I'm absolutely
honored. I have to thank
1509
01:11:59,748 --> 01:12:02,082
honored. I have to thank
Netflix, and also I want to say
1510
01:12:02,083 --> 01:12:02,917
Netflix, and also I want to say
congratulations to you,
1511
01:12:02,918 --> 01:12:04,885
congratulations to you,
Netflix. You've done it again.
1512
01:12:04,886 --> 01:12:10,222
Netflix. You've done it again.
You've made another white man
1513
01:12:10,223 --> 01:12:11,224
you've made another white man
a mediocre star. Bert, you are
1514
01:12:11,225 --> 01:12:12,926
a mediocre star. Bert, you are
truly talentless. You are a
1515
01:12:12,927 --> 01:12:15,629
truly talentless. You are a
disgrace to the legacy of fat
1516
01:12:15,630 --> 01:12:17,464
disgrace to the legacy of fat
funny super stars. If you were
1517
01:12:17,465 --> 01:12:18,433
funny super stars. If you were
actually talented, you would
1518
01:12:18,434 --> 01:12:24,170
actually talented, you would
have overdosed in a hotel room
1519
01:12:24,171 --> 01:12:26,473
have overdosed in a hotel room
a long time ago. Farley, these
1520
01:12:26,474 --> 01:12:29,508
a long time ago. Farley, these
were great men. They knew how
1521
01:12:29,509 --> 01:12:31,878
were great men. They knew how
to live. They ate heart
1522
01:12:31,879 --> 01:12:33,980
to live. They ate heart
clogging steaks, they fucked
1523
01:12:33,981 --> 01:12:35,381
clogging steaks, they fucked
prostitutes, they did mountains
1524
01:12:35,382 --> 01:12:38,018
prostitutes, they did mountains
of cocaine. They went out like
1525
01:12:38,019 --> 01:12:39,252
of cocaine. They went out like
fucking rock stars. Bert, you
1526
01:12:39,253 --> 01:12:41,088
fucking rock stars. Bert, you
don't do drugs and you only
1527
01:12:41,089 --> 01:12:46,627
don't do drugs and you only
fuck your wife. You don't even
1528
01:12:46,628 --> 01:12:51,230
fuck your wife. You don't even
know how to be... [ laughter
1529
01:12:51,231 --> 01:12:56,471
fuck your wife. You don't even
know how to be...
1530
01:12:58,172 --> 01:13:01,641
You don't even know how to be
fat and famous right. You're
1531
01:13:01,642 --> 01:13:03,444
fat and famous right. You're
going to die from too much
1532
01:13:03,445 --> 01:13:07,714
going to die from too much
kool-aid in the shrimp and
1533
01:13:07,715 --> 01:13:10,683
kool-aid in the shrimp and
choking on Joe Rogen's dick. I
1534
01:13:10,684 --> 01:13:13,453
choking on Joe Rogen's dick. I
was worried about AI, but Bert,
1535
01:13:13,454 --> 01:13:14,587
was worried about AI, but Bert,
you're proof that a machine
1536
01:13:14,588 --> 01:13:16,758
you're proof that a machine
can write a good script. You're
1537
01:13:16,759 --> 01:13:19,459
can write a good script. You're
an example of racism being
1538
01:13:19,460 --> 01:13:20,961
an example of racism being
alive and well. Because for a
1539
01:13:20,962 --> 01:13:22,229
alive and well. Because for a
shirtless fat black man to make
1540
01:13:22,230 --> 01:13:26,899
shirtless fat black man to make
your kind of money, he had to
1541
01:13:26,900 --> 01:13:28,301
your kind of money, he had to
get hit by a Wal-Mart truck.
1542
01:13:28,302 --> 01:13:32,172
Get hit by a Wal-Mart truck.
Drew, it's so nice to see you
1543
01:13:32,173 --> 01:13:33,407
drew, it's so nice to see you
here, bro. Honestly, I'm from
1544
01:13:33,408 --> 01:13:35,142
here, bro. Honestly, I'm from
Boston, so you know this feels
1545
01:13:35,143 --> 01:13:37,110
Boston, so you know this feels
really good. I grew up hearing
1546
01:13:37,111 --> 01:13:37,812
really good. I grew up hearing
your name around my house. You
1547
01:13:37,813 --> 01:13:40,147
your name around my house. You
know, they'd be like yeah,
1548
01:13:40,148 --> 01:13:40,715
know, they'd be like yeah,
drew bledsoe sucks. That big
1549
01:13:40,716 --> 01:13:43,083
drew bledsoe sucks. That big
ass white boy can't run for
1550
01:13:43,084 --> 01:13:47,287
ass white boy can't run for
shit. That nigga got a potato
1551
01:13:47,288 --> 01:13:48,256
shit. That nigga got a potato
face. Shit like that. I just
1552
01:13:48,257 --> 01:13:52,125
face. Shit like that. I just
want you to know I'm not like
1553
01:13:52,126 --> 01:13:53,360
want you to know I'm not like
that. I'm appalled, you know
1554
01:13:53,361 --> 01:13:54,295
that. I'm appalled, you know
what I mean? I have empathy. I
1555
01:13:54,296 --> 01:13:57,230
what I mean? I have empathy. I
know it must be hard to be a
1556
01:13:57,231 --> 01:13:57,832
know it must be hard to be a
fucking loser. Seriously, dude.
1557
01:13:57,833 --> 01:14:02,436
Fucking loser. Seriously, dude.
What the fuck are you doing
1558
01:14:02,437 --> 01:14:03,937
what the fuck are you doing
here? This dude invested you in
1559
01:14:03,938 --> 01:14:06,773
here? This dude invested you in
every way, so we know you hate
1560
01:14:06,774 --> 01:14:08,742
every way, so we know you hate
him. You went first, he went
1561
01:14:08,743 --> 01:14:10,978
him. You went first, he went
sixth, and he still took your
1562
01:14:10,979 --> 01:14:16,683
sixth, and he still took your
spot and sent you off to
1563
01:14:16,684 --> 01:14:18,417
spot and sent you off to
buffalo. He's been cucking you
1564
01:14:18,418 --> 01:14:21,288
buffalo. He's been cucking you
for years. Here you sit, you
1565
01:14:21,289 --> 01:14:22,789
for years. Here you sit, you
like that shit, don't you, you
1566
01:14:22,790 --> 01:14:24,857
like that shit, don't you, you
sick fuck. Tom, do us a favor
1567
01:14:24,858 --> 01:14:27,494
sick fuck. Tom, do us a favor
and fuck this dude's wife
1568
01:14:27,495 --> 01:14:28,662
and fuck this dude's wife
already and get it over with.
1569
01:14:28,663 --> 01:14:31,631
Already and get it over with.
The only ring you have is the
1570
01:14:31,632 --> 01:14:33,567
the only ring you have is the
one Tom won for you. So your
1571
01:14:33,568 --> 01:14:35,836
one Tom won for you. So your
super bowl ring is just like my
1572
01:14:35,837 --> 01:14:41,475
super bowl ring is just like my
strap-on. Just because you wear
1573
01:14:41,476 --> 01:14:47,615
strap-on. Just because you wear
it, it doesn't make it real.
1574
01:14:49,550 --> 01:14:52,519
Drew, honestly if you put
yourself out of your misery
1575
01:14:52,520 --> 01:14:53,054
yourself out of your misery
tonight, we would all
1576
01:14:53,055 --> 01:14:55,054
tonight, we would all
understand. But I just want you
1577
01:14:55,055 --> 01:15:00,928
understand. But I just want you
to know you'd still be the
1578
01:15:00,929 --> 01:15:07,400
to know you'd still be the
second best patriot to do that.
1579
01:15:07,401 --> 01:15:08,401
Second best patriot to do that.
Tom, I'm so honored. But I
1580
01:15:08,402 --> 01:15:10,036
Tom, I'm so honored. But I
have to say for a guy who
1581
01:15:10,037 --> 01:15:11,339
have to say for a guy who
doesn't like black people, you
1582
01:15:11,340 --> 01:15:15,742
doesn't like black people, you
sure do a lot of nigga shit.
1583
01:15:15,743 --> 01:15:19,779
Sure do a lot of nigga shit.
You wear all your rings, you
1584
01:15:19,780 --> 01:15:21,780
you wear all your rings, you
love the amigos, you took out
1585
01:15:21,781 --> 01:15:26,953
love the amigos, you took out
an illegal ppp loan, and you
1586
01:15:26,954 --> 01:15:27,954
an illegal ppp loan, and you
refuse to raise your kids. I
1587
01:15:27,955 --> 01:15:29,990
refuse to raise your kids. I
actually think that's why you
1588
01:15:29,991 --> 01:15:35,729
actually think that's why you
left the patriots. You were too
1589
01:15:35,730 --> 01:15:37,998
left the patriots. You were too
black for Boston. I know
1590
01:15:37,999 --> 01:15:39,700
black for Boston. I know
retirement is hard. I too have
1591
01:15:39,701 --> 01:15:42,602
retirement is hard. I too have
retired something. I put down
1592
01:15:42,603 --> 01:15:44,070
retired something. I put down
dick years ago. And goat to
1593
01:15:44,071 --> 01:15:46,706
dick years ago. And goat to
goat, I have to say I'm ready
1594
01:15:46,707 --> 01:15:48,041
goat, I have to say I'm ready
for one last game, and I know
1595
01:15:48,042 --> 01:15:50,010
for one last game, and I know
you want to know what it is
1596
01:15:50,011 --> 01:15:51,444
you want to know what it is
like to score one more time.
1597
01:15:51,445 --> 01:15:54,848
Like to score one more time.
And I just want to know if my
1598
01:15:54,849 --> 01:15:58,017
and I just want to know if my
pussy is still good. Who would
1599
01:15:58,018 --> 01:15:59,553
pussy is still good. Who would
be a better judge? But this
1600
01:15:59,554 --> 01:16:02,822
be a better judge? But this
isn't sexual. I'm not hard up
1601
01:16:02,823 --> 01:16:06,358
isn't sexual. I'm not hard up
like Nikki. This is completely
1602
01:16:06,359 --> 01:16:10,664
like Nikki. This is completely
a fact finding mission. So no
1603
01:16:10,665 --> 01:16:12,433
a fact finding mission. So no
loot the jokes, no candles,
1604
01:16:12,434 --> 01:16:16,336
loot the jokes, no candles,
just me open on the table,
1605
01:16:16,337 --> 01:16:17,071
just me open on the table,
ob/gyn style, hospital gown,
1606
01:16:17,072 --> 01:16:25,072
ob/gyn style, hospital gown,
you come in with your uggs,
1607
01:16:26,480 --> 01:16:28,513
you come in with your uggs,
dick already hard.
1608
01:16:29,317 --> 01:16:32,985
Dick already hard because i'm
not doing all that. You have on
1609
01:16:32,986 --> 01:16:39,092
not doing all that. You have on
a hospital gown too, but it's
1610
01:16:39,093 --> 01:16:42,495
a hospital gown too, but it's
back wards so the dick can
1611
01:16:42,496 --> 01:16:46,132
back wards so the dick can
stick out. Bam, one strong
1612
01:16:46,133 --> 01:16:48,602
stick out. Bam, one strong
stroke, then you pull out slow,
1613
01:16:48,603 --> 01:16:51,237
stroke, then you pull out slow,
we towel down, high fives. You
1614
01:16:51,238 --> 01:16:52,171
we towel down, high fives. You
could be my final completion,
1615
01:16:52,172 --> 01:16:54,709
could be my final completion,
and I can be the first time you
1616
01:16:54,710 --> 01:17:02,550
and I can be the first time you
look a black woman in the eyes.
1617
01:17:02,551 --> 01:17:06,687
Look a black woman in the eyes.
But seriously, Tom, I'm a
1618
01:17:06,688 --> 01:17:08,622
but seriously, Tom, I'm a
patriot fan, I'm a bostonian.
1619
01:17:08,623 --> 01:17:11,157
Patriot fan, I'm a bostonian.
And loving you is a Scarlet
1620
01:17:11,158 --> 01:17:12,993
and loving you is a Scarlet
letter that I wear proudly. I
1621
01:17:12,994 --> 01:17:16,029
letter that I wear proudly. I
appreciate what you did for the
1622
01:17:16,030 --> 01:17:17,497
appreciate what you did for the
city. You truly are the goat.
1623
01:17:17,498 --> 01:17:22,769
City. You truly are the goat.
Will you please, please, please
1624
01:17:22,770 --> 01:17:25,973
will you please, please, please
sign my Jersey?
1625
01:17:33,647 --> 01:17:39,586
Sam Jay. Goddamn. Oh shit.
Ladies and gentlemen, please
1626
01:17:39,587 --> 01:17:44,324
ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome to the stage a living
1627
01:17:44,325 --> 01:17:45,325
welcome to the stage a living
legend, a world class lover and
1628
01:17:45,326 --> 01:17:49,597
legend, a world class lover and
the number one news anchor in
1629
01:17:49,598 --> 01:17:52,333
the number one news anchor in
all of San Diego, Mr. Ron
1630
01:17:52,334 --> 01:17:57,638
all of San Diego, Mr. Ron
burgundy!
1631
01:18:25,699 --> 01:18:33,699
Hello even, New York City in
the house!
1632
01:18:34,041 --> 01:18:34,408
Hello even, New York City in
the house! Madison square
1633
01:18:34,409 --> 01:18:40,514
the house! Madison square
garden, oh, msg. Billy Joel
1634
01:18:40,515 --> 01:18:46,920
garden, oh, msg. Billy Joel
residency, yes. How about those
1635
01:18:46,921 --> 01:18:48,354
residency, yes. How about those
knickerbockers, huh? Yeah.
1636
01:18:48,355 --> 01:18:49,790
Knickerbockers, huh? Yeah.
Probably gonna lose in the
1637
01:18:49,791 --> 01:18:57,791
probably gonna lose in the
second round, but we're
1638
01:18:58,432 --> 01:18:59,799
second round, but we're
looking good right now. Kevin
1639
01:18:59,800 --> 01:19:05,438
looking good right now. Kevin
hart, my second favorite
1640
01:19:05,439 --> 01:19:10,210
hart, my second favorite
comedian next to earthquake.
1641
01:19:10,211 --> 01:19:13,881
Comedian next to earthquake.
God I love earthquake. Hello.
1642
01:19:13,882 --> 01:19:21,882
God I love earthquake. Hello.
My name is Ron burgundy. I am a
1643
01:19:23,824 --> 01:19:26,558
my name is Ron burgundy. I am a
very big deal, but tonight is
1644
01:19:26,559 --> 01:19:29,847
very big deal, but tonight is
not about me. I love you too.
1645
01:19:30,998 --> 01:19:37,337
It's not about me, but we are
here to honor a champion of the
1646
01:19:37,338 --> 01:19:41,508
here to honor a champion of the
gridiron. A great American, a
1647
01:19:41,509 --> 01:19:45,111
gridiron. A great American, a
father, and a sexy man. A true
1648
01:19:45,112 --> 01:19:45,813
father, and a sexy man. A true
patriot until he was not, of
1649
01:19:45,814 --> 01:19:53,814
patriot until he was not, of
course.
1650
01:19:54,588 --> 01:19:58,159
Patriot until he was not, of
course. Mr. Tom Brady.
1651
01:20:00,828 --> 01:20:08,828
Holy shit this man is gorgeous.
I've seen him on TV before,
1652
01:20:10,104 --> 01:20:18,104
I've seen him on TV before,
but in person, eechiowa. Whoa.
1653
01:20:18,112 --> 01:20:18,913
But in person, eechiowa. Whoa.
Look at those cheekbones.
1654
01:20:18,914 --> 01:20:21,181
Look at those cheekbones.
That's a million watt smile
1655
01:20:21,182 --> 01:20:22,415
that's a million watt smile
right there and those eyes. A
1656
01:20:22,416 --> 01:20:26,152
right there and those eyes. A
person could get lost in those
1657
01:20:26,153 --> 01:20:32,525
person could get lost in those
eyes. And right now I am that
1658
01:20:32,526 --> 01:20:36,262
eyes. And right now I am that
person. Ron, pull it together.
1659
01:20:36,263 --> 01:20:38,465
Person. Ron, pull it together.
You're a straight man. He's
1660
01:20:38,466 --> 01:20:41,134
you're a straight man. He's
making you question your
1661
01:20:41,135 --> 01:20:41,735
making you question your
sexuality. Stop looking at him.
1662
01:20:41,736 --> 01:20:46,406
Sexuality. Stop looking at him.
You're here to make fun of
1663
01:20:46,407 --> 01:20:48,675
you're here to make fun of
him. Not fall in love.
1664
01:20:48,676 --> 01:20:50,877
Him. Not fall in love.
Concentrate. Here we go. All
1665
01:20:50,878 --> 01:20:56,749
concentrate. Here we go. All
right. Back to the roast,
1666
01:20:56,750 --> 01:20:58,585
right. Back to the roast,
everyone. I never liked you,
1667
01:20:58,586 --> 01:21:00,753
everyone. I never liked you,
Tom. In all my years of
1668
01:21:00,754 --> 01:21:02,588
Tom. In all my years of
watching professional football,
1669
01:21:02,589 --> 01:21:07,560
watching professional football,
I never saw a more boring
1670
01:21:07,561 --> 01:21:12,665
I never saw a more boring
quarterback. The master of the
1671
01:21:12,666 --> 01:21:18,137
quarterback. The master of the
six-yard slant. The scream, the
1672
01:21:18,138 --> 01:21:20,339
six-yard slant. The scream, the
check down, Randy moss, where
1673
01:21:20,340 --> 01:21:21,406
check down, Randy moss, where
are you? There's Randy. I see
1674
01:21:21,407 --> 01:21:23,476
are you? There's Randy. I see
you over there. All that speed
1675
01:21:23,477 --> 01:21:24,245
you over there. All that speed
running down the field. Randy,
1676
01:21:24,246 --> 01:21:27,914
running down the field. Randy,
he was never going to get you
1677
01:21:27,915 --> 01:21:30,148
he was never going to get you
the ring. The check down pass
1678
01:21:30,149 --> 01:21:33,152
the ring. The check down pass
was the only option. I'm
1679
01:21:33,153 --> 01:21:36,222
was the only option. I'm
sorry. You were just a sexy
1680
01:21:36,223 --> 01:21:37,924
sorry. You were just a sexy
decoy. To make Tom look good.
1681
01:21:37,925 --> 01:21:43,929
Decoy. To make Tom look good.
You were on the field version
1682
01:21:43,930 --> 01:21:48,534
you were on the field version
of Gisele Bundchen. Is it
1683
01:21:48,535 --> 01:21:54,340
of Gisele Bundchen. Is it
Gisele or Gisele? Gisele, I
1684
01:21:54,341 --> 01:21:57,911
Gisele or Gisele? Gisele, I
believe, right? Gisele. Gisele
1685
01:21:57,912 --> 01:21:58,545
believe, right? Gisele. Gisele
Bundchen. From Spain. She's
1686
01:21:58,546 --> 01:22:00,979
Bundchen. From Spain. She's
Spanish, right? Tom, look at
1687
01:22:00,980 --> 01:22:06,451
Spanish, right? Tom, look at
me. She's Spanish, right? Oh,
1688
01:22:06,452 --> 01:22:10,724
me. She's Spanish, right? Oh,
you don't even know? Okay.
1689
01:22:17,931 --> 01:22:25,931
Poor Gisele. It took her 13
years to learn what we all
1690
01:22:26,774 --> 01:22:32,680
years to learn what we all
know. Tom is boring. Dink,
1691
01:22:32,681 --> 01:22:37,049
know. Tom is boring. Dink,
donk, dink, donk, touchdown,
1692
01:22:37,050 --> 01:22:38,884
donk, dink, donk, touchdown,
who cares. Who cares. The guys
1693
01:22:38,885 --> 01:22:39,787
who cares. Who cares. The guys
on sports center, some personal
1694
01:22:39,788 --> 01:22:44,623
on sports center, some personal
friends of mine used to praise
1695
01:22:44,624 --> 01:22:46,893
friends of mine used to praise
Tom for his quick release. Not
1696
01:22:46,894 --> 01:22:52,998
Tom for his quick release. Not
women, by the way. Women were
1697
01:22:52,999 --> 01:22:58,137
women, by the way. Women were
not impressed by his quick
1698
01:22:58,138 --> 01:23:00,640
not impressed by his quick
release. I'm putting
1699
01:23:00,641 --> 01:23:02,408
release. I'm putting
earthquake to shame, right,
1700
01:23:02,409 --> 01:23:03,676
earthquake to shame, right,
Kevin? I mean the last time
1701
01:23:03,677 --> 01:23:06,046
Kevin? I mean the last time
this guy went truly deep, he
1702
01:23:06,047 --> 01:23:11,516
this guy went truly deep, he
ended up paying child support
1703
01:23:11,517 --> 01:23:13,419
ended up paying child support
to Bridget moynihan. I wrote
1704
01:23:13,420 --> 01:23:19,959
to Bridget moynihan. I wrote
that myself this morning. In
1705
01:23:19,960 --> 01:23:22,529
that myself this morning. In
the airport bathroom at
1706
01:23:22,530 --> 01:23:26,499
the airport bathroom at
laguardia. It should be obvious
1707
01:23:26,500 --> 01:23:28,767
laguardia. It should be obvious
now, Tom ruined football for
1708
01:23:28,768 --> 01:23:29,536
now, Tom ruined football for
all of us. Watching the
1709
01:23:29,537 --> 01:23:30,770
all of us. Watching the
patriots play actually made me
1710
01:23:30,771 --> 01:23:33,107
patriots play actually made me
look forward to all the fun and
1711
01:23:33,108 --> 01:23:35,575
look forward to all the fun and
laughter of a bill belichick
1712
01:23:35,576 --> 01:23:37,697
laughter of a bill belichick
post-game interview.
1713
01:23:39,246 --> 01:23:42,515
By the way, bill, wherever you
are, I hope you know, I hope
1714
01:23:42,516 --> 01:23:45,451
are, I hope you know, I hope
you know it now, it was Tom. It
1715
01:23:45,452 --> 01:23:51,258
you know it now, it was Tom. It
was never you.
1716
01:23:56,029 --> 01:23:57,262
Remember, no, no. Remember that
period when people thought it
1717
01:23:57,263 --> 01:23:58,165
period when people thought it
was you? Well, it wasn't. It
1718
01:23:58,166 --> 01:24:03,336
was you? Well, it wasn't. It
was Tom. Understand, bill
1719
01:24:03,337 --> 01:24:08,341
was Tom. Understand, bill
you're currently unemployed.
1720
01:24:08,342 --> 01:24:09,576
You're currently unemployed.
Good luck on zip recruiter. A
1721
01:24:09,577 --> 01:24:14,280
good luck on zip recruiter. A
lot of jobs in the healthcare
1722
01:24:14,281 --> 01:24:17,349
lot of jobs in the healthcare
field. I hear male nurses are
1723
01:24:17,350 --> 01:24:20,420
field. I hear male nurses are
in great demand. With your
1724
01:24:20,421 --> 01:24:22,055
in great demand. With your
bedside manner, no one would
1725
01:24:22,056 --> 01:24:23,189
bedside manner, no one would
wake up after gallbladder
1726
01:24:23,190 --> 01:24:25,358
wake up after gallbladder
surgery and look into the
1727
01:24:25,359 --> 01:24:26,727
surgery and look into the
loving kind face of bill
1728
01:24:26,728 --> 01:24:34,467
loving kind face of bill
belichick as he gives you a
1729
01:24:34,468 --> 01:24:37,203
belichick as he gives you a
sponge bath. No, there's no
1730
01:24:37,204 --> 01:24:40,307
sponge bath. No, there's no
reason why we all had to endure
1731
01:24:40,308 --> 01:24:44,643
reason why we all had to endure
20 seasons of six-yard passes
1732
01:24:44,644 --> 01:24:45,312
20 seasons of six-yard passes
to gronkowski. Tom was too
1733
01:24:45,313 --> 01:24:48,781
to gronkowski. Tom was too
afraid to hold on to the
1734
01:24:48,782 --> 01:24:52,085
afraid to hold on to the
football because under all that
1735
01:24:52,086 --> 01:24:52,920
football because under all that
lifeless lumber, handsome as he
1736
01:24:52,921 --> 01:24:59,425
lifeless lumber, handsome as he
is, and he is very handsome. My
1737
01:24:59,426 --> 01:25:00,892
is, and he is very handsome. My
god. If you were this close to
1738
01:25:00,893 --> 01:25:02,795
god. If you were this close to
him like I am, then you know
1739
01:25:02,796 --> 01:25:07,667
him like I am, then you know
what I'm talking about. I
1740
01:25:07,668 --> 01:25:08,768
what I'm talking about. I
haven't even mentioned his
1741
01:25:08,769 --> 01:25:09,969
haven't even mentioned his
golden skin. Don't you shake
1742
01:25:09,970 --> 01:25:14,541
golden skin. Don't you shake
your head at me and say crazy.
1743
01:25:14,542 --> 01:25:17,143
Your head at me and say crazy.
I'll make life crazy for you.
1744
01:25:17,144 --> 01:25:23,316
I'll make life crazy for you.
How it must feel to touch that
1745
01:25:23,317 --> 01:25:27,120
how it must feel to touch that
golden skin. And these are
1746
01:25:27,121 --> 01:25:27,921
golden skin. And these are
strange feelings, Ron. Focus,
1747
01:25:27,922 --> 01:25:31,023
strange feelings, Ron. Focus,
focus. You hate the man,
1748
01:25:31,024 --> 01:25:32,592
focus. You hate the man,
remember. You hate him. Where
1749
01:25:32,593 --> 01:25:34,460
remember. You hate him. Where
was I? Oh yes, underneath that
1750
01:25:34,461 --> 01:25:36,462
was I? Oh yes, underneath that
dead robot of a quarterback,
1751
01:25:36,463 --> 01:25:37,797
dead robot of a quarterback,
there is a scared little boy.
1752
01:25:37,798 --> 01:25:45,103
There is a scared little boy.
How do I know this? You don't
1753
01:25:45,104 --> 01:25:46,672
how do I know this? You don't
see Eli Manning here tonight,
1754
01:25:46,673 --> 01:25:49,609
see Eli Manning here tonight,
do you? No. That's because
1755
01:25:49,610 --> 01:25:51,577
do you? No. That's because
he's afraid of Eli Manning.
1756
01:25:51,578 --> 01:25:57,517
He's afraid of Eli Manning.
Eli Manning made Tom Brady his
1757
01:25:57,518 --> 01:26:00,386
Eli Manning made Tom Brady his
bitch. He made him his bitch.
1758
01:26:00,387 --> 01:26:01,821
Bitch. He made him his bitch.
Okay. I'd like to hear
1759
01:26:01,822 --> 01:26:03,956
okay. I'd like to hear
everyone in the audience say
1760
01:26:03,957 --> 01:26:06,425
everyone in the audience say
that with me. On the count of
1761
01:26:06,426 --> 01:26:10,296
that with me. On the count of
three, we're all going to say
1762
01:26:10,297 --> 01:26:15,301
three, we're all going to say
Eli Manning made Tom Brady his
1763
01:26:15,302 --> 01:26:21,774
Eli Manning made Tom Brady his
bitch. One, two, three, Eli
1764
01:26:21,775 --> 01:26:25,678
bitch. One, two, three, Eli
Manning made Tom Brady his
1765
01:26:25,679 --> 01:26:29,849
Manning made Tom Brady his
bitch. That was terrible.
1766
01:26:29,850 --> 01:26:32,685
Bitch. That was terrible.
Let's do it again. Actually as
1767
01:26:32,686 --> 01:26:35,454
let's do it again. Actually as
disjointed as I was, that felt
1768
01:26:35,455 --> 01:26:37,523
disjointed as I was, that felt
good. Don't worry, Tom, the
1769
01:26:37,524 --> 01:26:40,458
good. Don't worry, Tom, the
nightmare is over. You can just
1770
01:26:40,459 --> 01:26:44,597
nightmare is over. You can just
sit back, relax, and talk about
1771
01:26:44,598 --> 01:26:45,933
sit back, relax, and talk about
football. Invest in
1772
01:26:45,934 --> 01:26:48,067
football. Invest in
cryptocurrency scams, and drink
1773
01:26:48,068 --> 01:26:49,101
cryptocurrency scams, and drink
your protein shakes. I don't
1774
01:26:49,102 --> 01:26:50,702
your protein shakes. I don't
know if you know this, Tom has
1775
01:26:50,703 --> 01:26:54,975
know if you know this, Tom has
a whole line of plant based
1776
01:26:54,976 --> 01:26:57,542
a whole line of plant based
nutrition called tb12. Look it
1777
01:26:57,543 --> 01:27:00,846
nutrition called tb12. Look it
up. Yeah. It's good. I lost 15
1778
01:27:00,847 --> 01:27:01,914
up. Yeah. It's good. I lost 15
pounds from this stuff. Those
1779
01:27:01,915 --> 01:27:03,149
pounds from this stuff. Those
shakes work. I only had to
1780
01:27:03,150 --> 01:27:04,015
shakes work. I only had to
drink one glass. For the next
1781
01:27:04,016 --> 01:27:06,953
drink one glass. For the next
two weeks I was on the can with
1782
01:27:06,954 --> 01:27:09,822
two weeks I was on the can with
the worst case of diarrhea I've
1783
01:27:09,823 --> 01:27:13,593
the worst case of diarrhea I've
ever had. I recommend the
1784
01:27:13,594 --> 01:27:14,860
ever had. I recommend the
cookies and cream shake.
1785
01:27:14,861 --> 01:27:15,429
Cookies and cream shake.
There's nothing like shooting
1786
01:27:15,430 --> 01:27:21,167
there's nothing like shooting
out cookies and cream as you
1787
01:27:21,168 --> 01:27:23,236
out cookies and cream as you
race to the toilet. Cookies and
1788
01:27:23,237 --> 01:27:27,472
race to the toilet. Cookies and
cream. All over the floor of
1789
01:27:27,473 --> 01:27:28,541
cream. All over the floor of
the laguardia airport bathroom.
1790
01:27:28,542 --> 01:27:31,611
The laguardia airport bathroom.
Stall number three. That's the
1791
01:27:31,612 --> 01:27:34,780
stall number three. That's the
one I always go. On that classy
1792
01:27:34,781 --> 01:27:37,451
one I always go. On that classy
note, I'd like to wrap it up.
1793
01:27:37,452 --> 01:27:45,452
Note, I'd like to wrap it up.
Tom, it's clear everybody up
1794
01:27:45,659 --> 01:27:49,662
Tom, it's clear everybody up
here loves you. I love you,
1795
01:27:49,663 --> 01:27:52,198
here loves you. I love you,
although it might just be lust.
1796
01:27:52,199 --> 01:27:54,532
Although it might just be lust.
It could be love. We'll never
1797
01:27:54,533 --> 01:27:56,101
it could be love. We'll never
had know. I can't wait for you
1798
01:27:56,102 --> 01:28:01,540
had know. I can't wait for you
to be up there on fox sports
1799
01:28:01,541 --> 01:28:02,808
to be up there on fox sports
commentating on the game you
1800
01:28:02,809 --> 01:28:08,748
commentating on the game you
loved or... or playing for the
1801
01:28:08,749 --> 01:28:12,251
loved or... or playing for the
raiders in the playoffs. Or
1802
01:28:12,252 --> 01:28:12,786
raiders in the playoffs. Or
coaching the patriots or
1803
01:28:12,787 --> 01:28:14,053
coaching the patriots or
whatever the fuck you're going
1804
01:28:14,054 --> 01:28:16,455
whatever the fuck you're going
to do. I mean let's be honest,
1805
01:28:16,456 --> 01:28:22,461
to do. I mean let's be honest,
your best years are behind you,
1806
01:28:22,462 --> 01:28:24,630
your best years are behind you,
Tom. The super bowls, Gisele.
1807
01:28:24,631 --> 01:28:25,765
Tom. The super bowls, Gisele.
Your movie career. It's all
1808
01:28:25,766 --> 01:28:27,800
your movie career. It's all
done. It's all gone. But you
1809
01:28:27,801 --> 01:28:32,839
done. It's all gone. But you
won't be forgotten. You will
1810
01:28:32,840 --> 01:28:37,810
won't be forgotten. You will
always be remembered as Eli
1811
01:28:37,811 --> 01:28:39,445
always be remembered as Eli
Manning's bitch. Don't let
1812
01:28:39,446 --> 01:28:40,846
Manning's bitch. Don't let
that get you down, Tom. Like I
1813
01:28:40,847 --> 01:28:42,615
that get you down, Tom. Like I
said before, we all love you.
1814
01:28:42,616 --> 01:28:45,217
Said before, we all love you.
In fact only one man truly
1815
01:28:45,218 --> 01:28:46,886
in fact only one man truly
hates you, and it is my
1816
01:28:46,887 --> 01:28:50,256
hates you, and it is my
pleasure to bring him out here,
1817
01:28:50,257 --> 01:28:53,894
pleasure to bring him out here,
Mr. Bill belichick.
1818
01:29:44,377 --> 01:29:47,514
What's up? Thank you.
1819
01:29:50,283 --> 01:29:57,991
What's up, Kevin, you think
you can get me a chair like
1820
01:29:57,992 --> 01:30:02,794
you can get me a chair like
that in Philly? Yeah. I think
1821
01:30:02,795 --> 01:30:03,430
that in Philly? Yeah. I think
so. Ron burgundy. Where's Ron?
1822
01:30:03,431 --> 01:30:09,334
So. Ron burgundy. Where's Ron?
Ron burgundy. The only member
1823
01:30:09,335 --> 01:30:11,636
Ron burgundy. The only member
in the media I respect. Yeah.
1824
01:30:11,637 --> 01:30:13,271
In the media I respect. Yeah.
You know the fellas invited me
1825
01:30:13,272 --> 01:30:19,511
you know the fellas invited me
up here to lighten up the mood
1826
01:30:19,512 --> 01:30:21,313
up here to lighten up the mood
a little bit tonight. But
1827
01:30:21,314 --> 01:30:22,314
a little bit tonight. But
seriously I'm so honored to be
1828
01:30:22,315 --> 01:30:24,885
seriously I'm so honored to be
here for the roast of Tom Brady
1829
01:30:24,886 --> 01:30:27,953
here for the roast of Tom Brady
on Netflix. It's not to be
1830
01:30:27,954 --> 01:30:30,189
on Netflix. It's not to be
confused... it's not to be
1831
01:30:30,190 --> 01:30:34,628
confused... it's not to be
confused with the roast of
1832
01:30:34,629 --> 01:30:42,629
confused with the roast of
belichick on the ten-part apple
1833
01:30:43,136 --> 01:30:47,139
belichick on the ten-part apple
TV series. There's a lot of
1834
01:30:47,140 --> 01:30:48,442
TV series. There's a lot of
mean things being said about
1835
01:30:48,443 --> 01:30:55,414
mean things being said about
Tom tonight. I wonder why they
1836
01:30:55,415 --> 01:30:56,414
Tom tonight. I wonder why they
invited me. Really, Tom, why
1837
01:30:56,415 --> 01:31:03,789
invited me. Really, Tom, why
are all these people so hard on
1838
01:31:03,790 --> 01:31:06,325
are all these people so hard on
you? Do you miss me? And, you
1839
01:31:06,326 --> 01:31:07,227
you? Do you miss me? And, you
know, Kevin, whenever Kevin
1840
01:31:07,228 --> 01:31:14,467
know, Kevin, whenever Kevin
talks, I go into cover two
1841
01:31:14,468 --> 01:31:17,471
talks, I go into cover two
defense. Cover both ears.
1842
01:31:17,472 --> 01:31:22,641
Defense. Cover both ears.
First, Tom, some of these
1843
01:31:22,642 --> 01:31:24,176
first, Tom, some of these
comedians tonight, Andrew
1844
01:31:24,177 --> 01:31:25,377
comedians tonight, Andrew
schulz, Nikki glaser, Tom
1845
01:31:25,378 --> 01:31:30,716
schulz, Nikki glaser, Tom
Brady, this is a comedy version
1846
01:31:30,717 --> 01:31:36,322
Brady, this is a comedy version
of the no-name defense. Who are
1847
01:31:36,323 --> 01:31:41,094
of the no-name defense. Who are
these people?
1848
01:31:42,896 --> 01:31:44,798
For 49 years, I've been a
football coach, but tonight
1849
01:31:44,799 --> 01:31:52,799
football coach, but tonight
I'm going to be a life coach.
1850
01:31:53,306 --> 01:31:56,208
I'm going to be a life coach.
When I get rid of my two
1851
01:31:56,209 --> 01:31:57,143
when I get rid of my two
sleeves, it's through my
1852
01:31:57,143 --> 01:31:58,078
sleeves, it's through my
sweatshirts. Jeff Ross gets rid
1853
01:31:58,079 --> 01:32:04,049
sweatshirts. Jeff Ross gets rid
of his two sleeves, it's for a
1854
01:32:04,050 --> 01:32:12,050
of his two sleeves, it's for a
box of cookies. I've got to
1855
01:32:14,728 --> 01:32:17,061
box of cookies. I've got to
roll? All right. You know, a
1856
01:32:17,062 --> 01:32:18,831
roll? All right. You know, a
lot of people kind of connected
1857
01:32:18,832 --> 01:32:22,835
lot of people kind of connected
me with a saying called do your
1858
01:32:22,836 --> 01:32:23,603
me with a saying called do your
job, telling people to do their
1859
01:32:23,604 --> 01:32:28,108
job, telling people to do their
job.
1860
01:32:30,076 --> 01:32:35,080
Gronk, I've been watching you
on fox NFL Sunday, and i'm
1861
01:32:35,081 --> 01:32:35,682
on fox NFL Sunday, and i'm
begging you, please, stop doing
1862
01:32:35,683 --> 01:32:41,755
begging you, please, stop doing
your job.
1863
01:32:50,563 --> 01:32:53,466
Do another job. Do somebody
else's job.
1864
01:32:55,802 --> 01:32:58,604
I love coaching gronk. He was
the best. He's a great
1865
01:32:58,605 --> 01:33:00,038
the best. He's a great
teammate, a great, great hall
1866
01:33:00,039 --> 01:33:01,007
teammate, a great, great hall
of fame player. Give it up for
1867
01:33:01,008 --> 01:33:05,946
of fame player. Give it up for
gronk.
1868
01:33:08,148 --> 01:33:11,250
Gronk's taken a lot of heat.
He's been roasted the third
1869
01:33:11,251 --> 01:33:13,718
he's been roasted the third
most between Brady, then me,
1870
01:33:13,719 --> 01:33:15,888
most between Brady, then me,
and gronk tonight. Sorry, Rob,
1871
01:33:15,889 --> 01:33:17,423
and gronk tonight. Sorry, Rob,
I've got to keep going. Rob
1872
01:33:17,424 --> 01:33:18,524
I've got to keep going. Rob
last landed some endorsement
1873
01:33:18,525 --> 01:33:21,361
last landed some endorsement
deals for some of his favorite
1874
01:33:21,362 --> 01:33:23,530
deals for some of his favorite
foods, Campbell soup, dunkin'
1875
01:33:23,531 --> 01:33:27,300
foods, Campbell soup, dunkin'
donuts, and don't forget tide
1876
01:33:27,301 --> 01:33:30,337
donuts, and don't forget tide
pods.
1877
01:33:38,611 --> 01:33:41,313
Just a true story. 100% true
story. I used Rob's tide pod
1878
01:33:41,314 --> 01:33:43,115
story. I used Rob's tide pod
commercial to teach our team
1879
01:33:43,116 --> 01:33:46,820
commercial to teach our team
that this is when you say no.
1880
01:33:49,823 --> 01:33:51,658
Just because somebody asks you
to do something stupid, you
1881
01:33:51,659 --> 01:33:59,659
to do something stupid, you
don't have to do it. Say no.
1882
01:34:00,934 --> 01:34:06,606
Don't have to do it. Say no.
That advice was never given by
1883
01:34:06,607 --> 01:34:14,381
that advice was never given by
Kevin's manager.
1884
01:34:18,651 --> 01:34:26,651
A lot of you don't know, but I
really have a big heart. I
1885
01:34:27,060 --> 01:34:30,463
really have a big heart. I
really do. Seriously. Come on,
1886
01:34:30,464 --> 01:34:36,636
really do. Seriously. Come on,
man.
1887
01:34:42,675 --> 01:34:50,315
I rescued a dog from the
shelter. And I rescued Randy
1888
01:34:50,316 --> 01:34:53,552
shelter. And I rescued Randy
from the raiders. Listen,
1889
01:34:53,553 --> 01:34:55,721
from the raiders. Listen,
Randy, I'm really sorry you
1890
01:34:55,722 --> 01:34:57,056
Randy, I'm really sorry you
didn't get a ring. Not sorry
1891
01:34:57,057 --> 01:35:03,161
didn't get a ring. Not sorry
enough to give you one of mine,
1892
01:35:03,162 --> 01:35:03,863
enough to give you one of mine,
but I'm still really sorry.
1893
01:35:03,864 --> 01:35:06,498
But I'm still really sorry.
You know, it's great to have
1894
01:35:06,499 --> 01:35:07,267
you know, it's great to have
all the patriots here. You
1895
01:35:07,268 --> 01:35:11,503
all the patriots here. You
know, you guys are all awesome.
1896
01:35:11,504 --> 01:35:15,175
Know, you guys are all awesome.
You meant so much.
1897
01:35:16,843 --> 01:35:19,112
And Tom's the greatest of all
time. No question about that.
1898
01:35:19,113 --> 01:35:25,284
Time. No question about that.
That's why we're all here.
1899
01:35:25,285 --> 01:35:26,885
That's why we're all here.
Tom's fantastic. But he played
1900
01:35:26,886 --> 01:35:28,420
Tom's fantastic. But he played
on some great teams and these
1901
01:35:28,421 --> 01:35:29,955
on some great teams and these
great players who played with
1902
01:35:29,956 --> 01:35:31,323
great players who played with
them, they're a great team. We
1903
01:35:31,324 --> 01:35:33,791
them, they're a great team. We
accomplished a lot. So proud to
1904
01:35:33,792 --> 01:35:39,364
accomplished a lot. So proud to
be here. But you know, Danny,
1905
01:35:39,365 --> 01:35:41,800
be here. But you know, Danny,
Danny amendola up here on the
1906
01:35:41,801 --> 01:35:43,302
Danny amendola up here on the
stage, Danny joined us in 2014.
1907
01:35:43,303 --> 01:35:47,539
Stage, Danny joined us in 2014.
Got us 200 yards that year. And
1908
01:35:47,540 --> 01:35:53,446
got us 200 yards that year. And
then in 2016, he picked up
1909
01:35:53,447 --> 01:36:00,686
then in 2016, he picked up
another 250. Or to put in
1910
01:36:00,687 --> 01:36:02,121
another 250. Or to put in
another way, what Randy would
1911
01:36:02,122 --> 01:36:07,460
another way, what Randy would
call a decent first half.
1912
01:36:12,765 --> 01:36:15,801
Matt, I love where you are,
Matt light protected Tom's
1913
01:36:15,802 --> 01:36:21,006
Matt light protected Tom's
blind sight along with Nate
1914
01:36:21,007 --> 01:36:21,775
blind sight along with Nate
solder, two great left tackles.
1915
01:36:21,776 --> 01:36:24,109
Solder, two great left tackles.
All those other guys in the
1916
01:36:24,110 --> 01:36:25,845
all those other guys in the
hall of fame. And Matt, I love
1917
01:36:25,846 --> 01:36:31,582
hall of fame. And Matt, I love
where you are, far away from
1918
01:36:31,583 --> 01:36:33,952
where you are, far away from
the microphone. In all my years
1919
01:36:33,953 --> 01:36:35,621
the microphone. In all my years
with the patriots, there's no
1920
01:36:35,622 --> 01:36:38,422
with the patriots, there's no
player I had to say more often
1921
01:36:38,423 --> 01:36:42,462
player I had to say more often
to shut the fuck up than Matt
1922
01:36:42,463 --> 01:36:47,000
to shut the fuck up than Matt
light.
1923
01:36:50,370 --> 01:36:52,838
You know, Matt came into the
league and you know about his
1924
01:36:52,839 --> 01:36:54,039
league and you know about his
struggle with crohns disease
1925
01:36:54,040 --> 01:36:54,974
struggle with crohns disease
and that certainly explains all
1926
01:36:54,975 --> 01:37:02,975
and that certainly explains all
the years why he gave me so
1927
01:37:04,150 --> 01:37:05,985
the years why he gave me so
much shit. One man that's
1928
01:37:05,986 --> 01:37:07,619
much shit. One man that's
always great to see, Rodney
1929
01:37:07,620 --> 01:37:13,760
always great to see, Rodney
Harrison. Rodney Harrison.
1930
01:37:20,833 --> 01:37:21,768
One of the greatest players
I've ever coached. I mean
1931
01:37:21,769 --> 01:37:27,272
I've ever coached. I mean
he's a great, great football
1932
01:37:27,273 --> 01:37:29,007
he's a great, great football
player. A great person. A great
1933
01:37:29,008 --> 01:37:29,974
player. A great person. A great
competitor. He's not in the
1934
01:37:29,975 --> 01:37:30,577
competitor. He's not in the
pro football hall of fame. To
1935
01:37:30,578 --> 01:37:35,215
pro football hall of fame. To
me that might be the biggest
1936
01:37:35,216 --> 01:37:42,822
me that might be the biggest
joke of the night. Give it up.
1937
01:37:46,821 --> 01:37:49,528
Just invite me into your
induction. But believe it or
1938
01:37:49,529 --> 01:37:51,063
induction. But believe it or
not, I've got a lot of nice
1939
01:37:51,064 --> 01:37:57,237
not, I've got a lot of nice
things to say about Tom, but
1940
01:37:57,238 --> 01:38:01,632
things to say about Tom, but
I'm running out of time here.
1941
01:38:02,575 --> 01:38:06,713
Do I have a couple extra
minutes? Okay. [ Cheering
1942
01:38:06,714 --> 01:38:11,851
do I have a couple extra
minutes? Okay.
1943
01:38:18,891 --> 01:38:21,294
Cryptocurrency. I'll stay away
from that one, but I see your
1944
01:38:21,295 --> 01:38:24,161
from that one, but I see your
soccer team, Birmingham city
1945
01:38:24,162 --> 01:38:25,997
soccer team, Birmingham city
got knocked down another tier
1946
01:38:25,998 --> 01:38:27,432
got knocked down another tier
in the English football league.
1947
01:38:27,433 --> 01:38:30,669
In the English football league.
So you know for those not
1948
01:38:30,670 --> 01:38:31,571
so you know for those not
familiar with English football,
1949
01:38:31,572 --> 01:38:33,872
familiar with English football,
the intricacy of their obscure
1950
01:38:33,873 --> 01:38:37,210
the intricacy of their obscure
regulation system. Let me put
1951
01:38:37,211 --> 01:38:40,646
regulation system. Let me put
it in English for you, they
1952
01:38:40,647 --> 01:38:42,014
it in English for you, they
suck. Not so easy running a
1953
01:38:42,015 --> 01:38:48,187
suck. Not so easy running a
team, is it, Tom?
1954
01:38:52,925 --> 01:38:56,863
All right. All right.
1955
01:39:00,933 --> 01:39:03,802
So a little coaching advice,
stick to American football.
1956
01:39:03,803 --> 01:39:05,404
Stick to American football.
You're really good at that.
1957
01:39:05,405 --> 01:39:07,673
You're really good at that.
You know, people have said Tom
1958
01:39:07,674 --> 01:39:09,373
you know, people have said Tom
and I butted heads a lot. In a
1959
01:39:09,374 --> 01:39:11,376
and I butted heads a lot. In a
way that was true, but not
1960
01:39:11,377 --> 01:39:12,512
way that was true, but not
really. It was hard to butt
1961
01:39:12,513 --> 01:39:18,883
really. It was hard to butt
heads with Tom because he was
1962
01:39:18,884 --> 01:39:26,092
heads with Tom because he was
so far up Alex guerrero's ass.
1963
01:39:32,965 --> 01:39:37,469
You know, Tom, you had so many
clutch moments, so many big
1964
01:39:37,470 --> 01:39:38,338
clutch moments, so many big
plays, just unbelievable, you
1965
01:39:38,339 --> 01:39:42,874
plays, just unbelievable, you
know, plays that will live on
1966
01:39:42,875 --> 01:39:47,611
know, plays that will live on
forever. I remember the pass
1967
01:39:47,612 --> 01:39:49,914
forever. I remember the pass
you threw to amendola in '14,
1968
01:39:49,915 --> 01:39:56,121
you threw to amendola in '14,
no, that was Julian that threw
1969
01:39:56,122 --> 01:39:59,790
no, that was Julian that threw
that pass to amendola. There
1970
01:39:59,791 --> 01:40:03,195
that pass to amendola. There
was a pass you threw to dorsett
1971
01:40:03,196 --> 01:40:04,397
was a pass you threw to dorsett
when we beat the eagles. You
1972
01:40:04,398 --> 01:40:06,565
when we beat the eagles. You
remember that one in 2019? No,
1973
01:40:06,566 --> 01:40:08,001
remember that one in 2019? No,
Julian, you threw that one too.
1974
01:40:08,002 --> 01:40:16,002
Julian, you threw that one too.
Oh.
1975
01:40:16,275 --> 01:40:18,210
Julian, you threw that one too.
Oh. Tom threw a lot of
1976
01:40:18,211 --> 01:40:19,244
oh. Tom threw a lot of
touchdown passes. I can't
1977
01:40:19,245 --> 01:40:22,914
touchdown passes. I can't
remember them, but he threw a
1978
01:40:22,915 --> 01:40:24,583
remember them, but he threw a
bunch of them. You know,
1979
01:40:24,584 --> 01:40:25,951
bunch of them. You know,
seriously Tom and I had our
1980
01:40:25,952 --> 01:40:26,985
seriously Tom and I had our
differences, but you know it
1981
01:40:26,986 --> 01:40:29,087
differences, but you know it
only comes to love and respect
1982
01:40:29,088 --> 01:40:36,795
only comes to love and respect
about our relationship. We did
1983
01:40:36,796 --> 01:40:39,797
about our relationship. We did
some special things together.
1984
01:40:39,798 --> 01:40:42,167
Some special things together.
You know for all of you out
1985
01:40:42,168 --> 01:40:45,070
you know for all of you out
there that think about who is
1986
01:40:45,071 --> 01:40:45,972
there that think about who is
responsible for the patriots
1987
01:40:45,973 --> 01:40:47,104
responsible for the patriots
success during the time when
1988
01:40:47,105 --> 01:40:49,140
success during the time when
Tom and I were over there. Was
1989
01:40:49,141 --> 01:40:51,309
Tom and I were over there. Was
it Brady, me, Brady, me? In
1990
01:40:51,310 --> 01:40:52,577
it Brady, me, Brady, me? In
reality, the truth of the
1991
01:40:52,578 --> 01:41:00,578
reality, the truth of the
matter is it was both of us
1992
01:41:03,589 --> 01:41:09,661
matter is it was both of us
because of me. Great event,
1993
01:41:09,662 --> 01:41:11,396
because of me. Great event,
Netflix, great night to be
1994
01:41:11,397 --> 01:41:14,032
Netflix, great night to be
here. Thank you very much. Love
1995
01:41:14,033 --> 01:41:16,268
here. Thank you very much. Love
you, Tom, patriots. Love you
1996
01:41:16,269 --> 01:41:19,806
you, Tom, patriots. Love you
guys. Thank you.
1997
01:41:31,317 --> 01:41:35,487
Wow. Who would have fucking
thought. Who would have
1998
01:41:35,488 --> 01:41:37,189
thought. Who would have
thought. Goddamn, coach came up
1999
01:41:37,190 --> 01:41:39,924
thought. Goddamn, coach came up
here and set the road straight.
2000
01:41:39,925 --> 01:41:41,293
Here and set the road straight.
I can't even trash him. I had
2001
01:41:41,294 --> 01:41:43,895
I can't even trash him. I had
stuff to trash him, but after
2002
01:41:43,896 --> 01:41:45,797
stuff to trash him, but after
that, I can't. I don't feel
2003
01:41:45,798 --> 01:41:46,666
that, I can't. I don't feel
comfortable trashing the coach
2004
01:41:46,667 --> 01:41:48,799
comfortable trashing the coach
after that. I imagine he'll
2005
01:41:48,800 --> 01:41:50,135
after that. I imagine he'll
say something a little
2006
01:41:50,136 --> 01:41:51,403
say something a little
heartfelt. Coach, you should
2007
01:41:51,404 --> 01:41:53,138
heartfelt. Coach, you should
hear this. I like the fact you
2008
01:41:53,139 --> 01:41:54,338
hear this. I like the fact you
actually had the balls to come
2009
01:41:54,339 --> 01:41:58,176
actually had the balls to come
out here and do the fucking
2010
01:41:58,177 --> 01:41:59,177
out here and do the fucking
roast and talk shit with Tom.
2011
01:41:59,178 --> 01:42:01,814
Roast and talk shit with Tom.
All right.
2012
01:42:03,349 --> 01:42:06,051
Just for a quick second before
we go and continue the show, to
2013
01:42:06,052 --> 01:42:07,419
we go and continue the show, to
tell you guys why I think it's
2014
01:42:07,420 --> 01:42:09,855
tell you guys why I think it's
so dope because you cut the
2015
01:42:09,856 --> 01:42:12,124
so dope because you cut the
middleman out. The middleman is
2016
01:42:12,125 --> 01:42:13,625
middleman out. The middleman is
the hypothetical, the
2017
01:42:13,626 --> 01:42:15,160
the hypothetical, the
assumption. Everybody has an
2018
01:42:15,161 --> 01:42:15,661
assumption. Everybody has an
assumption about the
2019
01:42:15,662 --> 01:42:17,828
assumption about the
relationship of. And the thing
2020
01:42:17,829 --> 01:42:19,264
relationship of. And the thing
is ultimately when you see the
2021
01:42:19,265 --> 01:42:20,932
is ultimately when you see the
support with one another,
2022
01:42:20,933 --> 01:42:22,501
support with one another,
that's what the relationship
2023
01:42:22,502 --> 01:42:24,336
that's what the relationship
is. What I'm saying is, what
2024
01:42:24,337 --> 01:42:25,804
is. What I'm saying is, what
I'm saying to the world is
2025
01:42:25,805 --> 01:42:29,474
I'm saying to the world is
mind your fucking business, all
2026
01:42:29,475 --> 01:42:30,609
mind your fucking business, all
right? Mind your fucking
2027
01:42:30,610 --> 01:42:31,144
right? Mind your fucking
business. Coach, good shit. Way
2028
01:42:31,145 --> 01:42:35,381
business. Coach, good shit. Way
to come out and be supportive
2029
01:42:35,382 --> 01:42:41,520
to come out and be supportive
tonight and back goddamn Tom
2030
01:42:41,521 --> 01:42:42,155
tonight and back goddamn Tom
Brady. Holy shit. I love it.
2031
01:42:42,156 --> 01:42:43,989
Brady. Holy shit. I love it.
Goddamn, coach. I had some good
2032
01:42:43,990 --> 01:42:45,323
goddamn, coach. I had some good
ones for you too. Can I just
2033
01:42:45,324 --> 01:42:46,758
ones for you too. Can I just
tell you one of them? I was
2034
01:42:46,759 --> 01:42:48,527
tell you one of them? I was
like okay, can I just tell you
2035
01:42:48,528 --> 01:42:51,295
like okay, can I just tell you
one? I'm not going to do them,
2036
01:42:51,296 --> 01:42:53,031
one? I'm not going to do them,
but let me tell you one. It's
2037
01:42:53,032 --> 01:42:54,533
but let me tell you one. It's
different, as I call you
2038
01:42:54,534 --> 01:42:56,134
different, as I call you
captain smiles because I never
2039
01:42:56,135 --> 01:42:58,403
captain smiles because I never
see you smile. Oh, he's always
2040
01:42:58,404 --> 01:42:59,436
see you smile. Oh, he's always
angry. People call him a piece
2041
01:42:59,437 --> 01:43:00,705
angry. People call him a piece
of shit, but I'm saying piece
2042
01:43:00,706 --> 01:43:02,039
of shit, but I'm saying piece
is not it because he's a lot
2043
01:43:02,040 --> 01:43:04,109
is not it because he's a lot
of shit, like a bunch of
2044
01:43:04,110 --> 01:43:05,577
of shit, like a bunch of
pieces. Like that was one of
2045
01:43:05,578 --> 01:43:06,845
pieces. Like that was one of
them. Just a pile of shit.
2046
01:43:06,846 --> 01:43:09,247
Them. Just a pile of shit.
Okay, I think I'm blowing it,
2047
01:43:09,248 --> 01:43:11,750
okay, I think I'm blowing it,
fuck it. No, coach, don't do
2048
01:43:11,751 --> 01:43:14,553
fuck it. No, coach, don't do
that. Don't go off on me.
2049
01:43:14,554 --> 01:43:16,754
That. Don't go off on me.
Don't do that. All right, i'm
2050
01:43:16,755 --> 01:43:18,490
don't do that. All right, i'm
on your side. I'm on your
2051
01:43:18,491 --> 01:43:20,891
on your side. I'm on your
side. Bill, I got to be honest,
2052
01:43:20,892 --> 01:43:22,493
side. Bill, I got to be honest,
I really was a little touched
2053
01:43:22,494 --> 01:43:25,097
I really was a little touched
to the fact you came out. I'm
2054
01:43:25,098 --> 01:43:27,698
to the fact you came out. I'm
dead serious right now. That
2055
01:43:27,699 --> 01:43:30,134
dead serious right now. That
was a very gentleman like move
2056
01:43:30,135 --> 01:43:31,503
was a very gentleman like move
on your behalf. Tom, you better
2057
01:43:31,504 --> 01:43:33,672
on your behalf. Tom, you better
fucking appreciate that and
2058
01:43:33,673 --> 01:43:34,940
fucking appreciate that and
tell him about it later. All
2059
01:43:34,941 --> 01:43:36,774
tell him about it later. All
right? God, what a night. What
2060
01:43:36,775 --> 01:43:38,810
right? God, what a night. What
a night. Are you guys having a
2061
01:43:38,811 --> 01:43:41,178
a night. Are you guys having a
good time? I am. Are we having
2062
01:43:41,179 --> 01:43:42,581
good time? I am. Are we having
a good time? Yes? At home I
2063
01:43:42,582 --> 01:43:45,450
a good time? Yes? At home I
hope you all are too. The fact
2064
01:43:45,451 --> 01:43:47,385
hope you all are too. The fact
this is live and it's on
2065
01:43:47,386 --> 01:43:48,652
this is live and it's on
Netflix is insane. The first of
2066
01:43:48,653 --> 01:43:50,388
Netflix is insane. The first of
its kind. There will not be the
2067
01:43:50,389 --> 01:43:51,288
its kind. There will not be the
last. I think we're going to
2068
01:43:51,289 --> 01:43:52,924
last. I think we're going to
do more because it's just
2069
01:43:52,925 --> 01:43:55,427
do more because it's just
going so well. Let's keep the
2070
01:43:55,428 --> 01:43:55,995
going so well. Let's keep the
goddamn train rolling. Guys,
2071
01:43:55,996 --> 01:43:57,395
goddamn train rolling. Guys,
your next roaster is in love
2072
01:43:57,396 --> 01:44:00,198
your next roaster is in love
with Tom Brady, and I do mean
2073
01:44:00,199 --> 01:44:00,933
with Tom Brady, and I do mean
that. Those aren't my words.
2074
01:44:00,934 --> 01:44:03,134
That. Those aren't my words.
That's what he wrote on a
2075
01:44:03,135 --> 01:44:04,502
that's what he wrote on a
mirror in his dressing room. He
2076
01:44:04,503 --> 01:44:05,570
mirror in his dressing room. He
might actually pop the question
2077
01:44:05,571 --> 01:44:08,573
might actually pop the question
tonight or he might pop his man
2078
01:44:08,574 --> 01:44:13,777
tonight or he might pop his man
pussy. Please make some noise
2079
01:44:13,778 --> 01:44:14,447
pussy. Please make some noise
for Julian edelman. Come on,
2080
01:44:14,448 --> 01:44:17,483
for Julian edelman. Come on,
Julian.
2081
01:44:33,971 --> 01:44:41,139
What a night. What a night.
There are so many legendary
2082
01:44:41,140 --> 01:44:41,674
there are so many legendary
patriots here tonight. I
2083
01:44:41,675 --> 01:44:43,108
patriots here tonight. I
figured the next time I'll see
2084
01:44:43,109 --> 01:44:48,514
figured the next time I'll see
you all will be at kraft's
2085
01:44:48,515 --> 01:44:51,416
you all will be at kraft's
funeral. Sorry, Mr. Kraft. Now
2086
01:44:51,417 --> 01:44:58,024
funeral. Sorry, Mr. Kraft. Now
let's give it up for our host,
2087
01:44:58,025 --> 01:45:01,693
let's give it up for our host,
Kevin hart. I know everyone's
2088
01:45:01,694 --> 01:45:02,926
Kevin hart. I know everyone's
gonna make short jokes about
2089
01:45:02,927 --> 01:45:09,067
gonna make short jokes about
you tonight, but not me. I'm
2090
01:45:09,068 --> 01:45:13,238
you tonight, but not me. I'm
going to make black jokes.
2091
01:45:13,239 --> 01:45:14,973
Going to make black jokes.
Kevin, you are so black that
2092
01:45:14,974 --> 01:45:19,778
Kevin, you are so black that
when I saw you, I thought you
2093
01:45:19,779 --> 01:45:22,494
when I saw you, I thought you
were Bert kreischer's liver.
2094
01:45:25,317 --> 01:45:27,753
And Bert kreischer's liver is
so black, it just did four
2095
01:45:27,754 --> 01:45:35,061
so black, it just did four
hours on the Shannon sharpe
2096
01:45:35,062 --> 01:45:43,062
hours on the Shannon sharpe
podcast. Jeff Ross is here.
2097
01:45:43,736 --> 01:45:45,438
Podcast. Jeff Ross is here.
What's up, Jeff? Fun fact,
2098
01:45:45,439 --> 01:45:51,042
what's up, Jeff? Fun fact,
Jeff and I are both Jewish. The
2099
01:45:51,043 --> 01:45:52,011
Jeff and I are both Jewish. The
difference is I'm the kind of
2100
01:45:52,012 --> 01:45:57,849
difference is I'm the kind of
you that people look at and say
2101
01:45:57,850 --> 01:46:01,387
you that people look at and say
oh, he's Jewish?
2102
01:46:03,889 --> 01:46:11,464
And Jeff's the kind of Jew
that makes you want to join
2103
01:46:11,465 --> 01:46:19,465
that makes you want to join
Hamas.
2104
01:46:22,007 --> 01:46:22,775
That makes you want to join
Hamas. Gronk's here. I don't
2105
01:46:22,776 --> 01:46:26,710
Hamas. Gronk's here. I don't
really have a joke. I just want
2106
01:46:26,711 --> 01:46:27,812
really have a joke. I just want
to make sure he knows. Gronk,
2107
01:46:27,813 --> 01:46:29,480
to make sure he knows. Gronk,
you're going to kill it. I'm
2108
01:46:29,481 --> 01:46:34,986
you're going to kill it. I'm
so proud of you, bubs, I'm so
2109
01:46:34,987 --> 01:46:37,323
so proud of you, bubs, I'm so
proud of you. Now everyone
2110
01:46:37,324 --> 01:46:42,560
proud of you. Now everyone
always asks me how big gronk's
2111
01:46:42,561 --> 01:46:46,131
always asks me how big gronk's
dick is. Now don't get me
2112
01:46:46,132 --> 01:46:47,533
dick is. Now don't get me
wrong, it gets the job done.
2113
01:46:47,534 --> 01:46:53,572
Wrong, it gets the job done.
But there was this other
2114
01:46:53,573 --> 01:47:01,573
but there was this other
patriots tight end. Now he was
2115
01:47:02,681 --> 01:47:09,287
patriots tight end. Now he was
hung. Think about it. Think
2116
01:47:09,288 --> 01:47:10,156
hung. Think about it. Think
about it. Coach belichick's
2117
01:47:10,157 --> 01:47:13,458
about it. Coach belichick's
here. Oh coach, you barrel
2118
01:47:13,459 --> 01:47:14,160
here. Oh coach, you barrel
chested son of a bitch. You
2119
01:47:14,161 --> 01:47:17,394
chested son of a bitch. You
remember when you used to yell
2120
01:47:17,395 --> 01:47:19,597
remember when you used to yell
at us? Look assholes, the
2121
01:47:19,598 --> 01:47:23,734
at us? Look assholes, the
fucking kids at foxborough high
2122
01:47:23,735 --> 01:47:25,103
fucking kids at foxborough high
can make that fucking play.
2123
01:47:25,104 --> 01:47:32,043
Can make that fucking play.
I've been waiting for this for
2124
01:47:32,044 --> 01:47:33,077
I've been waiting for this for
so long. Look, asshole,
2125
01:47:33,078 --> 01:47:38,316
so long. Look, asshole,
foxborough high is the only job
2126
01:47:38,317 --> 01:47:45,090
foxborough high is the only job
offer you fucking had.
2127
01:47:55,467 --> 01:48:01,674
Do your job? More like need a
job, coach. Now we get to Tom.
2128
01:48:01,675 --> 01:48:08,046
Job, coach. Now we get to Tom.
Look at you, you handsome
2129
01:48:08,047 --> 01:48:09,681
look at you, you handsome
devil. Tb12, tompa Brady, the
2130
01:48:09,682 --> 01:48:16,754
devil. Tb12, tompa Brady, the
goat. Or as I like to call him,
2131
01:48:16,755 --> 01:48:17,356
goat. Or as I like to call him,
Leonardo DiCaprio's
2132
01:48:17,357 --> 01:48:20,125
Leonardo DiCaprio's
ex-girlfriend's ex-husband.
2133
01:48:20,126 --> 01:48:23,061
Ex-girlfriend's ex-husband.
When we played together, Tom,
2134
01:48:23,062 --> 01:48:31,062
when we played together, Tom,
you used to scream laser focus,
2135
01:48:31,937 --> 01:48:39,643
you used to scream laser focus,
laser focus! Now that's what
2136
01:48:39,644 --> 01:48:42,480
laser focus! Now that's what
he screams at his plastic
2137
01:48:42,481 --> 01:48:43,215
he screams at his plastic
surgeon. Who's laughing now,
2138
01:48:43,216 --> 01:48:44,216
surgeon. Who's laughing now,
Tom? Not you because your face
2139
01:48:44,217 --> 01:48:49,720
Tom? Not you because your face
can't move and you don't have
2140
01:48:49,721 --> 01:48:57,721
can't move and you don't have
a sense of humor. Now when I
2141
01:48:58,663 --> 01:49:04,303
a sense of humor. Now when I
got to new england, you were
2142
01:49:04,304 --> 01:49:05,904
got to new england, you were
already Tom motherfuckin Brady.
2143
01:49:05,905 --> 01:49:08,139
Already Tom motherfuckin Brady.
Three super bowls, married to a
2144
01:49:08,140 --> 01:49:11,575
three super bowls, married to a
supermodel. I wanted to be like
2145
01:49:11,576 --> 01:49:13,144
supermodel. I wanted to be like
you so bad, bro that when your
2146
01:49:13,145 --> 01:49:16,114
you so bad, bro that when your
wife left, I thought about
2147
01:49:16,115 --> 01:49:22,287
wife left, I thought about
getting rid of my beard too.
2148
01:49:22,288 --> 01:49:24,822
Getting rid of my beard too.
You're gay. You're gay. But
2149
01:49:24,823 --> 01:49:28,460
you're gay. You're gay. But
hey, but I don't want to talk
2150
01:49:28,461 --> 01:49:35,166
hey, but I don't want to talk
about your wife. He's actually
2151
01:49:35,167 --> 01:49:36,335
about your wife. He's actually
here. Alex guerrero, everyone.
2152
01:49:36,336 --> 01:49:38,469
Here. Alex guerrero, everyone.
For those of you don't know,
2153
01:49:38,470 --> 01:49:42,107
for those of you don't know,
Alex is the snake oil salesman
2154
01:49:42,108 --> 01:49:49,247
Alex is the snake oil salesman
who transformed Tom into a
2155
01:49:49,248 --> 01:49:54,485
who transformed Tom into a
total fucking weirdo. Now he's
2156
01:49:54,486 --> 01:49:55,087
total fucking weirdo. Now he's
weird. He's fucking weird. I
2157
01:49:55,088 --> 01:49:57,489
weird. He's fucking weird. I
know there's going to be a lot
2158
01:49:57,490 --> 01:50:02,794
know there's going to be a lot
of jokes about me being gay for
2159
01:50:02,795 --> 01:50:05,230
of jokes about me being gay for
Tom. Well let me set the record
2160
01:50:05,231 --> 01:50:10,335
Tom. Well let me set the record
straight, those balls aren't
2161
01:50:10,336 --> 01:50:11,870
straight, those balls aren't
going to deflate themselves.
2162
01:50:11,871 --> 01:50:17,141
Going to deflate themselves.
That tb12 method works. Lots of
2163
01:50:17,142 --> 01:50:18,077
that tb12 method works. Lots of
pineapples in those smoothies.
2164
01:50:18,078 --> 01:50:26,078
Pineapples in those smoothies.
Sweet cum, sweet cum if you
2165
01:50:26,619 --> 01:50:30,054
sweet cum, sweet cum if you
didn't know that. Honestly the
2166
01:50:30,055 --> 01:50:32,690
didn't know that. Honestly the
only reason I came here tonight
2167
01:50:32,691 --> 01:50:36,461
only reason I came here tonight
is will you come on my fucking
2168
01:50:36,462 --> 01:50:38,631
is will you come on my fucking
podcast already, bro? I've had
2169
01:50:38,632 --> 01:50:41,131
podcast already, bro? I've had
Peyton Manning, everyone else,
2170
01:50:41,132 --> 01:50:43,167
Peyton Manning, everyone else,
Eli Manning. Nah, but Tom,
2171
01:50:43,168 --> 01:50:44,003
Eli Manning. Nah, but Tom,
you're my brother. I owe you
2172
01:50:44,004 --> 01:50:45,436
you're my brother. I owe you
everything. You let me into
2173
01:50:45,437 --> 01:50:46,671
everything. You let me into
your inner circle, bro, and you
2174
01:50:46,672 --> 01:50:49,774
your inner circle, bro, and you
showed me what it meant to be a
2175
01:50:49,775 --> 01:50:51,009
showed me what it meant to be a
professional, and I'd do
2176
01:50:51,010 --> 01:50:52,210
professional, and I'd do
anything for you, bubs. I love
2177
01:50:52,211 --> 01:50:54,145
anything for you, bubs. I love
you. You're a great sport for
2178
01:50:54,146 --> 01:50:56,047
you. You're a great sport for
doing this. And who are we
2179
01:50:56,048 --> 01:51:01,486
doing this. And who are we
kidding? This is Tom mother
2180
01:51:01,487 --> 01:51:07,291
kidding? This is Tom mother
fucking Brady! Just remember
2181
01:51:07,292 --> 01:51:08,960
fucking Brady! Just remember
these are jokes, Tom. These are
2182
01:51:08,961 --> 01:51:10,928
these are jokes, Tom. These are
all jokes because you're my
2183
01:51:10,929 --> 01:51:13,665
all jokes because you're my
gravy train. I love you, bubs.
2184
01:51:13,666 --> 01:51:17,002
Gravy train. I love you, bubs.
Let's go!
2185
01:51:29,982 --> 01:51:33,384
White boy at its finest. Boy
the white boys love to play
2186
01:51:33,385 --> 01:51:34,752
the white boys love to play
with the dick jokes. I don't
2187
01:51:34,753 --> 01:51:36,320
with the dick jokes. I don't
know what it is. I don't know
2188
01:51:36,321 --> 01:51:40,625
know what it is. I don't know
what the fuck it is about the
2189
01:51:40,626 --> 01:51:41,326
what the fuck it is about the
cultural separation. Willie,
2190
01:51:41,327 --> 01:51:45,797
cultural separation. Willie,
you were in that locker room.
2191
01:51:45,798 --> 01:51:47,331
You were in that locker room.
How many dick jokes flew your
2192
01:51:47,332 --> 01:51:49,934
how many dick jokes flew your
way? How many dick jokes flew
2193
01:51:49,935 --> 01:51:51,536
way? How many dick jokes flew
your way, Willie? I bet not
2194
01:51:51,537 --> 01:51:53,504
your way, Willie? I bet not
one. I bet you said mother
2195
01:51:53,505 --> 01:51:54,771
one. I bet you said mother
fucking I'll give you if you
2196
01:51:54,772 --> 01:51:55,574
fucking I'll give you if you
say something like that. Julian
2197
01:51:55,575 --> 01:52:02,481
say something like that. Julian
just made a joke about draining
2198
01:52:02,482 --> 01:52:05,149
just made a joke about draining
Tom's balls. Tom was like
2199
01:52:05,150 --> 01:52:06,983
Tom's balls. Tom was like
yeah. No. It's fucking... this
2200
01:52:06,984 --> 01:52:10,188
yeah. No. It's fucking... this
is live on Netflix. It's like
2201
01:52:10,189 --> 01:52:11,222
is live on Netflix. It's like
millions of people watching.
2202
01:52:11,223 --> 01:52:13,791
Millions of people watching.
Two white boys, your dick, my
2203
01:52:13,792 --> 01:52:15,827
two white boys, your dick, my
dick, my balls, your balls.
2204
01:52:15,828 --> 01:52:20,498
Dick, my balls, your balls.
What the fuck is happening?
2205
01:52:20,499 --> 01:52:21,599
What the fuck is happening?
It's live television. No,
2206
01:52:21,600 --> 01:52:23,201
it's live television. No,
Julian, no! Tom, you're
2207
01:52:23,202 --> 01:52:25,603
Julian, no! Tom, you're
suppose to tackle that mother
2208
01:52:25,604 --> 01:52:27,505
suppose to tackle that mother
fucker right here. The only
2209
01:52:27,506 --> 01:52:29,407
fucker right here. The only
person to celebrate was Jeff.
2210
01:52:29,408 --> 01:52:32,577
Person to celebrate was Jeff.
I'll do it too if you want me
2211
01:52:32,578 --> 01:52:33,611
I'll do it too if you want me
to. Jeff, Sam Jay said
2212
01:52:33,612 --> 01:52:34,946
to. Jeff, Sam Jay said
something earlier and I've been
2213
01:52:34,947 --> 01:52:36,081
something earlier and I've been
thinking about it ever since.
2214
01:52:36,082 --> 01:52:38,116
Thinking about it ever since.
She started talking about her
2215
01:52:38,117 --> 01:52:40,785
she started talking about her
dildo, like oh my god, what my
2216
01:52:40,786 --> 01:52:42,488
dildo, like oh my god, what my
dildo would look like. I bet
2217
01:52:42,489 --> 01:52:45,722
dildo would look like. I bet
her dildo looks like Jeff Ross.
2218
01:52:45,723 --> 01:52:47,425
Her dildo looks like Jeff Ross.
A little fucking white dick. If
2219
01:52:47,426 --> 01:52:48,593
a little fucking white dick. If
you've got a white dick, I'll
2220
01:52:48,594 --> 01:52:51,863
you've got a white dick, I'll
never talk to you again, I
2221
01:52:51,864 --> 01:52:53,731
never talk to you again, I
swear to god. All right, guys,
2222
01:52:53,732 --> 01:52:57,468
swear to god. All right, guys,
this roast honestly is going so
2223
01:52:57,469 --> 01:53:00,404
this roast honestly is going so
well. It's going so good, so
2224
01:53:00,405 --> 01:53:02,106
well. It's going so good, so
good. Not just because of the
2225
01:53:02,107 --> 01:53:02,775
good. Not just because of the
performances, which have been
2226
01:53:02,776 --> 01:53:05,143
performances, which have been
amazing, but because of our
2227
01:53:05,144 --> 01:53:06,344
amazing, but because of our
live audience. You guys have
2228
01:53:06,345 --> 01:53:09,680
live audience. You guys have
been amazing, man. Make some
2229
01:53:09,681 --> 01:53:11,149
been amazing, man. Make some
noise for yourself right now. I
2230
01:53:11,150 --> 01:53:12,383
noise for yourself right now. I
need to know my live audience
2231
01:53:12,384 --> 01:53:15,653
need to know my live audience
is still with me. We can do
2232
01:53:15,654 --> 01:53:18,956
is still with me. We can do
better than that. Make some
2233
01:53:18,957 --> 01:53:19,957
better than that. Make some
goddamn noise! Yes! All right,
2234
01:53:19,958 --> 01:53:22,426
goddamn noise! Yes! All right,
next up is the host of the
2235
01:53:22,427 --> 01:53:24,195
next up is the host of the
number one live podcast in the
2236
01:53:24,196 --> 01:53:25,428
number one live podcast in the
world. Guys, he's sitting in
2237
01:53:25,429 --> 01:53:26,697
world. Guys, he's sitting in
the audience because he's so
2238
01:53:26,698 --> 01:53:31,569
the audience because he's so
hated that we made him buy a
2239
01:53:31,570 --> 01:53:36,339
hated that we made him buy a
fucking ticket. Give it up to
2240
01:53:36,340 --> 01:53:37,775
fucking ticket. Give it up to
the host, Tony hinchcliffe.
2241
01:53:37,776 --> 01:53:39,624
The host, Tony hinchcliffe.
Let's go, Tony.
2242
01:53:41,013 --> 01:53:45,249
Howdy. We are here with a
special episode of kill Tony,
2243
01:53:45,250 --> 01:53:46,883
special episode of kill Tony,
kill Tommy. You guys know how
2244
01:53:46,884 --> 01:53:48,786
kill Tommy. You guys know how
it works. I've got a bucket. I
2245
01:53:48,787 --> 01:53:51,055
it works. I've got a bucket. I
pull someone's name out, they
2246
01:53:51,056 --> 01:53:51,890
pull someone's name out, they
get 60 seconds, interrupted.
2247
01:53:51,891 --> 01:53:52,990
Get 60 seconds, interrupted.
You know their time is up when
2248
01:53:52,991 --> 01:53:54,959
you know their time is up when
they hear the sound of a kitty.
2249
01:53:54,960 --> 01:53:58,196
They hear the sound of a kitty.
That means they have to wrap it
2250
01:53:58,197 --> 01:54:00,631
that means they have to wrap it
up then. So here we go. I
2251
01:54:00,632 --> 01:54:03,134
up then. So here we go. I
pulled out, oh wow, look, it's
2252
01:54:03,135 --> 01:54:03,969
pulled out, oh wow, look, it's
Dana white everybody. Make some
2253
01:54:03,970 --> 01:54:07,773
Dana white everybody. Make some
noise for the great Dana white.
2254
01:54:07,774 --> 01:54:13,945
Noise for the great Dana white.
60 seconds interrupted for Dana
2255
01:54:13,946 --> 01:54:15,346
60 seconds interrupted for Dana
white. The president of ufc.
2256
01:54:15,347 --> 01:54:15,981
White. The president of ufc.
Thank you.
2257
01:54:15,982 --> 01:54:17,348
Thank you.
This is not my thing, so
2258
01:54:17,349 --> 01:54:21,452
this is not my thing, so
I'm going to keep this short
2259
01:54:21,453 --> 01:54:22,252
I'm going to keep this short
like gronk's bus. Actually let
2260
01:54:22,253 --> 01:54:24,555
like gronk's bus. Actually let
me get into this real quick. It
2261
01:54:24,556 --> 01:54:26,257
me get into this real quick. It
pisses me off, I flew all the
2262
01:54:26,258 --> 01:54:29,360
pisses me off, I flew all the
way out here and you guys give
2263
01:54:29,361 --> 01:54:31,662
way out here and you guys give
me 60 seconds? My name is Dana.
2264
01:54:31,663 --> 01:54:39,537
Me 60 seconds? My name is Dana.
Is that not trans enou for
2265
01:54:39,538 --> 01:54:42,306
is that not trans enou for
you liberal fucks? No? All
2266
01:54:42,307 --> 01:54:43,574
you liberal fucks? No? All
right, Tom, you played for the
2267
01:54:43,575 --> 01:54:45,209
right, Tom, you played for the
patriots for so long that I was
2268
01:54:45,210 --> 01:54:46,509
patriots for so long that I was
actually starting to feel like
2269
01:54:46,510 --> 01:54:47,677
actually starting to feel like
you were from Boston. Then I
2270
01:54:47,678 --> 01:54:54,152
you were from Boston. Then I
saw you running, and I was like
2271
01:54:54,153 --> 01:54:58,055
saw you running, and I was like
no, he's definitely from San
2272
01:54:58,056 --> 01:54:59,891
no, he's definitely from San
Francisco. You led the league
2273
01:54:59,892 --> 01:55:07,892
Francisco. You led the league
for 20 years in passing as a
2274
01:55:08,166 --> 01:55:10,635
for 20 years in passing as a
straight guy. Come on. Hey, I
2275
01:55:10,636 --> 01:55:13,303
straight guy. Come on. Hey, I
got two of the baddest dudes in
2276
01:55:13,304 --> 01:55:19,110
got two of the baddest dudes in
the world here right now. Sugar
2277
01:55:19,111 --> 01:55:22,280
the world here right now. Sugar
Sean O'Malley and Max holloway.
2278
01:55:22,281 --> 01:55:24,615
Sean O'Malley and Max holloway.
Tom, you would have been a
2279
01:55:24,616 --> 01:55:25,382
Tom, you would have been a
great fighter. You're already
2280
01:55:25,383 --> 01:55:28,286
great fighter. You're already
the master of the ground and
2281
01:55:28,287 --> 01:55:29,488
the master of the ground and
pound. That's what you call
2282
01:55:29,489 --> 01:55:34,492
pound. That's what you call
coffee date with your
2283
01:55:34,493 --> 01:55:35,027
coffee date with your
boyfriend, Alex guerrero. One
2284
01:55:35,028 --> 01:55:37,128
boyfriend, Alex guerrero. One
more thing, you people probably
2285
01:55:37,129 --> 01:55:39,396
more thing, you people probably
don't know this, but Jeff Ross
2286
01:55:39,397 --> 01:55:40,933
don't know this, but Jeff Ross
was very interested in the ufc.
2287
01:55:40,934 --> 01:55:45,736
Was very interested in the ufc.
He thought it meant unlimited
2288
01:55:45,737 --> 01:55:48,339
he thought it meant unlimited
fried chicken. I love you, Tom.
2289
01:55:48,340 --> 01:55:50,741
Fried chicken. I love you, Tom.
Dana white, ladies and
2290
01:55:50,742 --> 01:55:51,276
Dana white, ladies and
gentlemen. Great job, Dana. You
2291
01:55:51,277 --> 01:55:53,144
gentlemen. Great job, Dana. You
know, a lot of you might not
2292
01:55:53,145 --> 01:55:55,646
know, a lot of you might not
know this, but Dana is the
2293
01:55:55,647 --> 01:55:57,316
know this, but Dana is the
millionaire founder of the ufc,
2294
01:55:57,317 --> 01:56:03,921
millionaire founder of the ufc,
and he's also a degenerate
2295
01:56:03,922 --> 01:56:04,890
and he's also a degenerate
gambler. So that's fucking
2296
01:56:04,891 --> 01:56:06,657
gambler. So that's fucking
awesome, Dana. Hey, Tom, this
2297
01:56:06,658 --> 01:56:07,359
awesome, Dana. Hey, Tom, this
is great. Nice shoes, bitch.
2298
01:56:07,360 --> 01:56:13,864
Is great. Nice shoes, bitch.
Did you win those in the
2299
01:56:13,865 --> 01:56:16,366
did you win those in the
divorce? Oh, I love it. This is
2300
01:56:16,367 --> 01:56:17,802
divorce? Oh, I love it. This is
a fucking stellar up here.
2301
01:56:17,803 --> 01:56:18,970
A fucking stellar up here.
Randy moss, I was upset bill
2302
01:56:18,971 --> 01:56:20,304
Randy moss, I was upset bill
belichick said he wouldn't
2303
01:56:20,305 --> 01:56:24,376
belichick said he wouldn't
give you a ring. You know what
2304
01:56:24,377 --> 01:56:26,110
give you a ring. You know what
else doesn't have a ring? Bill
2305
01:56:26,111 --> 01:56:26,876
else doesn't have a ring? Bill
belichick's phone. Everyone is
2306
01:56:26,877 --> 01:56:28,278
belichick's phone. Everyone is
up here talking about what a
2307
01:56:28,279 --> 01:56:29,847
up here talking about what a
big winner Tom is. But let me
2308
01:56:29,848 --> 01:56:33,451
big winner Tom is. But let me
tell you, Tom is afraid of the
2309
01:56:33,452 --> 01:56:38,588
tell you, Tom is afraid of the
giants, which is why Kevin hart
2310
01:56:38,589 --> 01:56:40,257
giants, which is why Kevin hart
is hosting tonight. It's true.
2311
01:56:40,258 --> 01:56:42,627
Is hosting tonight. It's true.
All night he's been using the
2312
01:56:42,628 --> 01:56:46,496
all night he's been using the
stool Aaron Hernandez kicked
2313
01:56:46,497 --> 01:56:47,999
stool Aaron Hernandez kicked
out from outside beneath
2314
01:56:48,000 --> 01:56:48,600
out from outside beneath
himself. Yeah. It's true.
2315
01:56:48,601 --> 01:56:50,501
Himself. Yeah. It's true.
Kevin is so small that when his
2316
01:56:50,502 --> 01:56:56,273
Kevin is so small that when his
ancestors picked cotton, they
2317
01:56:56,274 --> 01:57:00,011
ancestors picked cotton, they
called it dead lifting. So many
2318
01:57:00,012 --> 01:57:01,145
called it dead lifting. So many
great quarterbacks up here. You
2319
01:57:01,146 --> 01:57:02,581
great quarterbacks up here. You
know who doesn't pass? Kevin
2320
01:57:02,582 --> 01:57:06,417
know who doesn't pass? Kevin
hart on any movie he's offered.
2321
01:57:06,418 --> 01:57:07,918
Hart on any movie he's offered.
But we are here for Tom. Tom
2322
01:57:07,919 --> 01:57:10,188
but we are here for Tom. Tom
Brady is a patriot, which is
2323
01:57:10,189 --> 01:57:16,460
Brady is a patriot, which is
surprising considering he looks
2324
01:57:16,461 --> 01:57:17,495
surprising considering he looks
like a confederate fag. Tom
2325
01:57:17,496 --> 01:57:22,866
like a confederate fag. Tom
Brady, why do you look like a
2326
01:57:22,867 --> 01:57:24,068
Brady, why do you look like a
gay Tom Brady? Clearly your
2327
01:57:24,069 --> 01:57:27,271
gay Tom Brady? Clearly your
ex-wife takes after you. I hear
2328
01:57:27,272 --> 01:57:28,706
ex-wife takes after you. I hear
she's out there draining balls
2329
01:57:28,707 --> 01:57:29,774
she's out there draining balls
right now. People love you,
2330
01:57:29,775 --> 01:57:34,545
right now. People love you,
Tom. You have the same fan base
2331
01:57:34,546 --> 01:57:35,313
Tom. You have the same fan base
as Kyle rittenhouse. Gronk,
2332
01:57:35,314 --> 01:57:37,416
as Kyle rittenhouse. Gronk,
I'm happy you can take a break
2333
01:57:37,417 --> 01:57:43,888
I'm happy you can take a break
from writing Santa letters to
2334
01:57:43,889 --> 01:57:46,057
from writing Santa letters to
be here today. I knew you were
2335
01:57:46,058 --> 01:57:49,560
be here today. I knew you were
here when we were all out of
2336
01:57:49,561 --> 01:57:50,062
here when we were all out of
chocolate milk backstage. By
2337
01:57:50,063 --> 01:57:51,328
chocolate milk backstage. By
the way, gronk, that's Kevin
2338
01:57:51,329 --> 01:57:55,666
the way, gronk, that's Kevin
hart sitting next to you.
2339
01:57:55,667 --> 01:57:56,767
Hart sitting next to you.
That's not your shadow. Gronk,
2340
01:57:56,768 --> 01:57:59,270
that's not your shadow. Gronk,
you look like the Nazi that
2341
01:57:59,271 --> 01:58:01,872
you look like the Nazi that
kept burning himself in the
2342
01:58:01,873 --> 01:58:04,809
kept burning himself in the
ovens. You look like the final
2343
01:58:04,810 --> 01:58:08,512
ovens. You look like the final
boss in George Floyd, the video
2344
01:58:08,513 --> 01:58:10,247
boss in George Floyd, the video
game. The great Jeff Ross,
2345
01:58:10,248 --> 01:58:11,314
game. The great Jeff Ross,
ladies and gentlemen. Jeff is
2346
01:58:11,315 --> 01:58:18,089
ladies and gentlemen. Jeff is
so Jewish he only watches
2347
01:58:18,090 --> 01:58:19,757
so Jewish he only watches
football for the coin toss.
2348
01:58:19,758 --> 01:58:25,496
Football for the coin toss.
And, of course, throwing long
2349
01:58:25,497 --> 01:58:29,100
and, of course, throwing long
bombs at brown people. Nikki
2350
01:58:29,101 --> 01:58:34,271
bombs at brown people. Nikki
glaser, what a performance
2351
01:58:34,272 --> 01:58:35,273
glaser, what a performance
tonight. Am I right? Absolutely
2352
01:58:35,274 --> 01:58:37,174
tonight. Am I right? Absolutely
killer set. Nikki, who wrote
2353
01:58:37,175 --> 01:58:39,910
killer set. Nikki, who wrote
that? Where was that in your
2354
01:58:39,911 --> 01:58:41,511
that? Where was that in your
entire career? Nikki has such a
2355
01:58:41,512 --> 01:58:43,114
entire career? Nikki has such a
bad eating disorder the
2356
01:58:43,115 --> 01:58:45,014
bad eating disorder the
industry keeps shoving her down
2357
01:58:45,015 --> 01:58:46,984
industry keeps shoving her down
our throat. You might recognize
2358
01:58:46,985 --> 01:58:48,085
our throat. You might recognize
her podcast appearance specials
2359
01:58:48,086 --> 01:58:51,388
her podcast appearance specials
in winning the triple crown at
2360
01:58:51,389 --> 01:58:51,957
in winning the triple crown at
Churchill downs. You might
2361
01:58:51,958 --> 01:58:54,458
Churchill downs. You might
recognize Kevin as the jockey
2362
01:58:54,459 --> 01:58:55,626
recognize Kevin as the jockey
that rode her. And that's
2363
01:58:55,627 --> 01:58:56,927
that rode her. And that's
Churchill downs the racetrack,
2364
01:58:56,928 --> 01:58:58,095
Churchill downs the racetrack,
not to be confused with what
2365
01:58:58,096 --> 01:59:03,534
not to be confused with what
Jeff Ross looks like when he
2366
01:59:03,535 --> 01:59:05,569
Jeff Ross looks like when he
smokes a cigar. Sam Jay,
2367
01:59:05,570 --> 01:59:07,204
smokes a cigar. Sam Jay,
everybody, killed in obese
2368
01:59:07,205 --> 01:59:08,639
everybody, killed in obese
African American lesbian. So by
2369
01:59:08,640 --> 01:59:13,343
African American lesbian. So by
having her Netflix checked off
2370
01:59:13,344 --> 01:59:16,013
having her Netflix checked off
a lot of boxes. Yeah. She is a
2371
01:59:16,014 --> 01:59:19,083
a lot of boxes. Yeah. She is a
black lesbo, which means she
2372
01:59:19,084 --> 01:59:27,084
black lesbo, which means she
doesn't eat pussy, she all
2373
01:59:28,360 --> 01:59:31,327
doesn't eat pussy, she all
hell naws on it. Earthquake's
2374
01:59:31,328 --> 01:59:34,265
hell naws on it. Earthquake's
on his feet. I'm killing. You
2375
01:59:34,266 --> 01:59:35,833
on his feet. I'm killing. You
might recognize Sam from this.
2376
01:59:35,834 --> 01:59:39,170
Might recognize Sam from this.
Her entire Wikipedia could fit
2377
01:59:39,171 --> 01:59:40,038
her entire Wikipedia could fit
into a fortune cookie. Andrew
2378
01:59:40,039 --> 01:59:41,739
into a fortune cookie. Andrew
schulz, I'm glad you took a
2379
01:59:41,740 --> 01:59:43,307
schulz, I'm glad you took a
break from watching YouTube
2380
01:59:43,308 --> 01:59:46,977
break from watching YouTube
videos on how to dap up black
2381
01:59:46,978 --> 01:59:49,480
videos on how to dap up black
dudes correctly. His mom is a
2382
01:59:49,481 --> 01:59:50,248
dudes correctly. His mom is a
professional ballroom dancer,
2383
01:59:50,249 --> 01:59:53,083
professional ballroom dancer,
which means she's a stripper
2384
01:59:53,084 --> 01:59:54,451
which means she's a stripper
that talks too much. Bert
2385
01:59:54,452 --> 01:59:56,755
that talks too much. Bert
kreischer is the king. He looks
2386
01:59:56,756 --> 01:59:58,822
kreischer is the king. He looks
like the tiger king and liver
2387
01:59:58,823 --> 02:00:00,757
like the tiger king and liver
king only ate Burger King and
2388
02:00:00,758 --> 02:00:04,161
king only ate Burger King and
has a liver that got beat up by
2389
02:00:04,162 --> 02:00:12,162
has a liver that got beat up by
Rodney king.
2390
02:00:14,372 --> 02:00:18,642
Has a liver that got beat up by
Rodney king. And how about the
2391
02:00:18,643 --> 02:00:21,245
Rodney king. And how about the
appearance from the great Ron
2392
02:00:21,246 --> 02:00:24,015
appearance from the great Ron
burgundy, huh? A whale's
2393
02:00:24,016 --> 02:00:26,584
burgundy, huh? A whale's
vagina, which reminds me Kim
2394
02:00:26,585 --> 02:00:27,650
vagina, which reminds me Kim
Kardashian's here. She's had
2395
02:00:27,651 --> 02:00:30,453
Kardashian's here. She's had
a lot of black men celebrate in
2396
02:00:30,454 --> 02:00:33,023
a lot of black men celebrate in
her end zone. Kim, word of
2397
02:00:33,024 --> 02:00:34,292
her end zone. Kim, word of
advice, close your legs. You
2398
02:00:34,293 --> 02:00:38,529
advice, close your legs. You
have more public beef than
2399
02:00:38,530 --> 02:00:40,231
have more public beef than
Kendrick and Drake. Thank you,
2400
02:00:40,232 --> 02:00:45,903
Kendrick and Drake. Thank you,
guys. Thank you, Tom. Thank
2401
02:00:45,904 --> 02:00:53,904
guys. Thank you, Tom. Thank
you, Jeff, thank you, Netflix.
2402
02:01:12,397 --> 02:01:20,397
Fucking give it up for Tony.
Give it up for Tony. Oh god. Oh
2403
02:01:26,076 --> 02:01:27,678
give it up for Tony. Oh god. Oh
my god. Tony, that's good. I
2404
02:01:27,679 --> 02:01:29,213
my god. Tony, that's good. I
feel like we should clap or
2405
02:01:29,214 --> 02:01:30,714
feel like we should clap or
he'll go shoot up a school. He
2406
02:01:30,715 --> 02:01:33,183
he'll go shoot up a school. He
looks like he's going to do
2407
02:01:33,184 --> 02:01:35,286
looks like he's going to do
something crazy. The fucking
2408
02:01:35,287 --> 02:01:36,353
something crazy. The fucking
pants and that belt. You
2409
02:01:36,354 --> 02:01:38,322
pants and that belt. You
fucking podcasters. I said
2410
02:01:38,323 --> 02:01:41,458
fucking podcasters. I said
don't let him in here.
2411
02:01:41,459 --> 02:01:42,459
Don't let him in here.
Goddamnit, that was great
2412
02:01:42,460 --> 02:01:48,032
goddamnit, that was great
comedy, bit for bit. Bit for
2413
02:01:48,033 --> 02:01:49,733
comedy, bit for bit. Bit for
bit, Tony. I believe you're
2414
02:01:49,734 --> 02:01:51,501
bit, Tony. I believe you're
given flowers. I have nothing
2415
02:01:51,502 --> 02:01:53,037
given flowers. I have nothing
bad to say, man. Performance,
2416
02:01:53,038 --> 02:01:53,972
bad to say, man. Performance,
goddamn, every box. Whatever
2417
02:01:53,973 --> 02:01:57,242
goddamn, every box. Whatever
you want to say you checked. I
2418
02:01:57,243 --> 02:02:02,246
you want to say you checked. I
just had to say this, Sam, fuck
2419
02:02:02,247 --> 02:02:07,985
just had to say this, Sam, fuck
him, all right? The old hell
2420
02:02:07,986 --> 02:02:08,920
him, all right? The old hell
naw, that right there. That
2421
02:02:08,921 --> 02:02:10,621
naw, that right there. That
right there, I want to come
2422
02:02:10,622 --> 02:02:13,424
right there, I want to come
back and get him for us both,
2423
02:02:13,425 --> 02:02:14,991
back and get him for us both,
but that was really good. He
2424
02:02:14,992 --> 02:02:20,331
but that was really good. He
got us good, Sam. He got the
2425
02:02:20,332 --> 02:02:24,668
got us good, Sam. He got the
black culture good with that
2426
02:02:24,669 --> 02:02:26,203
black culture good with that
one. Oh hell naw. He turned
2427
02:02:26,204 --> 02:02:30,173
one. Oh hell naw. He turned
into Tyler Perry in the middle
2428
02:02:30,174 --> 02:02:31,375
into Tyler Perry in the middle
of the joke. Fuck you, Tony.
2429
02:02:31,376 --> 02:02:34,511
Of the joke. Fuck you, Tony.
I'll come back in a couple of
2430
02:02:34,512 --> 02:02:36,179
I'll come back in a couple of
days. Sam, we'll get him. Just
2431
02:02:36,180 --> 02:02:37,915
days. Sam, we'll get him. Just
not now. Let him have his
2432
02:02:37,916 --> 02:02:40,417
not now. Let him have his
moment. Son of a bitch. That
2433
02:02:40,418 --> 02:02:43,520
moment. Son of a bitch. That
was so good. All right, fuck
2434
02:02:43,521 --> 02:02:44,422
was so good. All right, fuck
that. Fuck you, Tom. All right?
2435
02:02:44,423 --> 02:02:49,893
That. Fuck you, Tom. All right?
All right. Guys, our next NFL
2436
02:02:49,894 --> 02:02:51,028
all right. Guys, our next NFL
roaster holds the NFL record
2437
02:02:51,029 --> 02:02:52,830
roaster holds the NFL record
for the most receiving
2438
02:02:52,831 --> 02:02:59,370
for the most receiving
touchdown by a tight end. Oh my
2439
02:02:59,371 --> 02:03:00,437
touchdown by a tight end. Oh my
god. Yes. Yes, it's true. And
2440
02:03:00,438 --> 02:03:02,072
god. Yes. Yes, it's true. And
soon, soon he'll hold the
2441
02:03:02,073 --> 02:03:05,709
soon, soon he'll hold the
record for most concussions
2442
02:03:05,710 --> 02:03:06,910
record for most concussions
received from reading a
2443
02:03:06,911 --> 02:03:08,911
received from reading a
teleprompter. Please welcome
2444
02:03:08,912 --> 02:03:12,550
teleprompter. Please welcome
Rob gronkowski. Come on, Rob.
2445
02:03:28,399 --> 02:03:34,104
Wow, this has been a fucking
night. Kevin hart, first off I
2446
02:03:34,105 --> 02:03:38,208
night. Kevin hart, first off I
have taken shit bigger and
2447
02:03:38,209 --> 02:03:38,777
have taken shit bigger and
blacker than you. And unlike
2448
02:03:38,778 --> 02:03:41,979
blacker than you. And unlike
you, my shit's don't stink
2449
02:03:41,980 --> 02:03:42,914
you, my shit's don't stink
when they're in the water.
2450
02:03:42,915 --> 02:03:44,948
When they're in the water.
Yes, Kevin looks like one of my
2451
02:03:44,949 --> 02:03:46,817
yes, Kevin looks like one of my
shits, and Jeff Ross looks like
2452
02:03:46,818 --> 02:03:54,818
shits, and Jeff Ross looks like
one of my livers in 20 years.
2453
02:03:54,959 --> 02:03:58,895
One of my livers in 20 years.
Yeah. Sit down, bitch. Jeff is
2454
02:03:58,896 --> 02:04:00,963
yeah. Sit down, bitch. Jeff is
so Jewish that backstage when I
2455
02:04:00,964 --> 02:04:04,668
so Jewish that backstage when I
put my hands up for a high
2456
02:04:04,669 --> 02:04:05,637
put my hands up for a high
five, he took ten. Bert
2457
02:04:05,638 --> 02:04:06,638
five, he took ten. Bert
kreischer, I don't know, I
2458
02:04:06,639 --> 02:04:12,476
kreischer, I don't know, I
can't read, we all know that.
2459
02:04:12,477 --> 02:04:14,377
Can't read, we all know that.
He's here. Bert went to fsu,
2460
02:04:14,378 --> 02:04:15,079
he's here. Bert went to fsu,
fat shit university. I love
2461
02:04:15,080 --> 02:04:18,614
fat shit university. I love
you, Bert even though you stole
2462
02:04:18,615 --> 02:04:19,983
you, Bert even though you stole
my whole drunken gimmick,
2463
02:04:19,984 --> 02:04:21,218
my whole drunken gimmick,
shirtless, fucking thing I used
2464
02:04:21,219 --> 02:04:25,856
shirtless, fucking thing I used
to do back in the day. You're
2465
02:04:25,857 --> 02:04:27,023
to do back in the day. You're
more like slob gronkowski, you
2466
02:04:27,024 --> 02:04:31,495
more like slob gronkowski, you
fat fuck lard. Look at all my
2467
02:04:31,496 --> 02:04:32,161
fat fuck lard. Look at all my
guys, Rodney Harrison, what's
2468
02:04:32,162 --> 02:04:33,697
guys, Rodney Harrison, what's
up, dawg? We've got Matt
2469
02:04:33,698 --> 02:04:36,599
up, dawg? We've got Matt
light. We're going to get Matt
2470
02:04:36,600 --> 02:04:37,701
light. We're going to get Matt
lit tonight. What's up,
2471
02:04:37,702 --> 02:04:40,437
lit tonight. What's up,
brother? How are you doing? And
2472
02:04:40,438 --> 02:04:41,406
brother? How are you doing? And
fucking amendola. What's up,
2473
02:04:41,407 --> 02:04:43,173
fucking amendola. What's up,
buddy? You went into coaching
2474
02:04:43,174 --> 02:04:47,244
buddy? You went into coaching
last year, so you are now known
2475
02:04:47,245 --> 02:04:52,449
last year, so you are now known
as amendumbass. Coach
2476
02:04:52,450 --> 02:04:56,221
as amendumbass. Coach
belichick, nice to see you,
2477
02:04:56,222 --> 02:04:57,502
belichick, nice to see you, sir.
2478
02:04:59,624 --> 02:05:03,861
I'm your last pro bowl pick on
the offensive side of the
2479
02:05:03,862 --> 02:05:05,529
the offensive side of the
football, and that was back in
2480
02:05:05,530 --> 02:05:08,999
football, and that was back in
2009. But man, this is like a
2481
02:05:09,000 --> 02:05:10,166
2009. But man, this is like a
family reunion. Tom and Julian
2482
02:05:10,167 --> 02:05:11,436
family reunion. Tom and Julian
are like brothers to me. And
2483
02:05:11,437 --> 02:05:16,005
are like brothers to me. And
drew bledsoe is the grandfather
2484
02:05:16,006 --> 02:05:18,242
drew bledsoe is the grandfather
I assumed would be dead by now.
2485
02:05:18,243 --> 02:05:20,878
I assumed would be dead by now.
Drew got traded to the buffalo
2486
02:05:20,879 --> 02:05:24,180
drew got traded to the buffalo
bills, so he's played for two
2487
02:05:24,181 --> 02:05:27,851
bills, so he's played for two
of the worst fucking bills in
2488
02:05:27,852 --> 02:05:28,852
of the worst fucking bills in
football. Fuck, coach. I just
2489
02:05:28,853 --> 02:05:31,890
football. Fuck, coach. I just
noticed that joke is about you.
2490
02:05:31,891 --> 02:05:34,358
Noticed that joke is about you.
Should I run the hill? Coach
2491
02:05:34,359 --> 02:05:39,228
should I run the hill? Coach
makes us run that hill whenever
2492
02:05:39,229 --> 02:05:43,867
makes us run that hill whenever
we fuck up, and I fucked up
2493
02:05:43,868 --> 02:05:45,068
we fuck up, and I fucked up
there. Randy moss, Randy moss,
2494
02:05:45,069 --> 02:05:48,005
there. Randy moss, Randy moss,
Randy moss, so good to see you,
2495
02:05:48,006 --> 02:05:50,807
Randy moss, so good to see you,
Randy. Randy hails from the
2496
02:05:50,808 --> 02:05:52,109
Randy. Randy hails from the
great state of West Virginia.
2497
02:05:52,110 --> 02:05:54,545
Great state of West Virginia.
Country roads, take me home to
2498
02:05:54,546 --> 02:05:59,182
country roads, take me home to
the place where dating your
2499
02:05:59,183 --> 02:06:04,154
the place where dating your
sister is as common as dating
2500
02:06:04,155 --> 02:06:07,056
sister is as common as dating
your other sister. By the way,
2501
02:06:07,057 --> 02:06:09,660
your other sister. By the way,
we are talking about sisters.
2502
02:06:09,661 --> 02:06:17,000
We are talking about sisters.
What's up, Tom's sisters? Yo?
2503
02:06:17,001 --> 02:06:25,001
What's up, Tom's sisters? Yo?
I just made that up on the spot
2504
02:06:30,348 --> 02:06:31,715
I just made that up on the spot
too. Randy's nickname was the
2505
02:06:31,716 --> 02:06:32,849
too. Randy's nickname was the
freak. The nickname was the
2506
02:06:32,850 --> 02:06:36,087
freak. The nickname was the
squirrel because he loved
2507
02:06:36,088 --> 02:06:38,822
squirrel because he loved
having Tom Brady's nuts in his
2508
02:06:38,823 --> 02:06:42,260
having Tom Brady's nuts in his
mouth. And when Tom left for
2509
02:06:42,261 --> 02:06:45,295
mouth. And when Tom left for
tampa, he gave him the whole
2510
02:06:45,296 --> 02:06:47,331
tampa, he gave him the whole
shaft. And Julian is going to
2511
02:06:47,332 --> 02:06:49,833
shaft. And Julian is going to
change his name to Jillian and
2512
02:06:49,834 --> 02:06:54,204
change his name to Jillian and
move in with Tom. Just two
2513
02:06:54,205 --> 02:06:54,906
move in with Tom. Just two
little gay boys prancing
2514
02:06:54,907 --> 02:07:00,144
little gay boys prancing around.
2515
02:07:04,615 --> 02:07:06,483
Everyone kissed Tom's ass.
Even I did. That's fine to
2516
02:07:06,484 --> 02:07:14,484
even I did. That's fine to
admit. But Julian, you're the
2517
02:07:17,395 --> 02:07:21,063
admit. But Julian, you're the
only one who used tongue. I saw
2518
02:07:21,064 --> 02:07:25,168
only one who used tongue. I saw
it in the shower. Oh wait a
2519
02:07:25,169 --> 02:07:27,450
it in the shower. Oh wait a
second, Tom, you don't shower.
2520
02:07:32,643 --> 02:07:33,578
Must have been extra stinky.
All right, Tom, all right,
2521
02:07:33,579 --> 02:07:35,646
all right, Tom, all right,
yeah, Julian, Tom left you on
2522
02:07:35,647 --> 02:07:37,014
yeah, Julian, Tom left you on
the patriots, so you couldn't
2523
02:07:37,015 --> 02:07:39,716
the patriots, so you couldn't
blow him anymore. We all know
2524
02:07:39,717 --> 02:07:46,224
blow him anymore. We all know
that. And bill, you never gave
2525
02:07:46,225 --> 02:07:51,128
that. And bill, you never gave
Tom any action. No hand job,
2526
02:07:51,129 --> 02:07:53,229
Tom any action. No hand job,
nothing. Fuck him. All right,
2527
02:07:53,230 --> 02:07:55,565
nothing. Fuck him. All right,
did you give him a hand job,
2528
02:07:55,566 --> 02:07:57,367
did you give him a hand job,
coach? Why did you blow the
2529
02:07:57,368 --> 02:08:00,671
coach? Why did you blow the
whistle? I said you didn't. All
2530
02:08:00,672 --> 02:08:04,341
whistle? I said you didn't. All
right, take this joke out.
2531
02:08:04,342 --> 02:08:07,310
Right, take this joke out.
Scroll back up. I'm saying
2532
02:08:07,311 --> 02:08:09,478
scroll back up. I'm saying
this joke. Bill, you never gave
2533
02:08:09,479 --> 02:08:10,780
this joke. Bill, you never gave
Tom action, but let me tell you
2534
02:08:10,781 --> 02:08:12,949
Tom action, but let me tell you
he fucked you in the end as
2535
02:08:12,950 --> 02:08:14,752
he fucked you in the end as
hard as he could. Rear ended
2536
02:08:14,753 --> 02:08:18,355
hard as he could. Rear ended
you from tampa bay. That's a
2537
02:08:18,356 --> 02:08:19,756
you from tampa bay. That's a
1,300-mile long cock Tom has.
2538
02:08:19,757 --> 02:08:21,559
1,300-mile long cock Tom has.
Let me tell you, Julian sucked
2539
02:08:21,560 --> 02:08:24,361
let me tell you, Julian sucked
that cock all the way from
2540
02:08:24,362 --> 02:08:26,430
that cock all the way from
Florida through the carolinas,
2541
02:08:26,431 --> 02:08:30,000
Florida through the carolinas,
all the way up to
2542
02:08:30,001 --> 02:08:31,101
all the way up to
Massachusetts. Spit on it,
2543
02:08:31,102 --> 02:08:36,973
Massachusetts. Spit on it,
lubing it up, to even give
2544
02:08:36,974 --> 02:08:38,141
lubing it up, to even give
further penetration up your
2545
02:08:38,142 --> 02:08:46,142
further penetration up your
ass, coach. Holy fuck, I wrote
2546
02:08:46,317 --> 02:08:47,884
ass, coach. Holy fuck, I wrote
that joke, by the way. Wow.
2547
02:08:47,885 --> 02:08:48,619
That joke, by the way. Wow.
Wow. No wonder why you didn't
2548
02:08:48,620 --> 02:08:54,391
wow. No wonder why you didn't
want me to say that. You can
2549
02:08:54,392 --> 02:08:55,559
want me to say that. You can
read like me, coach.
2550
02:08:55,560 --> 02:08:56,127
Read like me, coach.
Congratulations. But coach, you
2551
02:08:56,128 --> 02:08:58,862
congratulations. But coach, you
used to talk about foxborough
2552
02:08:58,863 --> 02:08:59,896
used to talk about foxborough
high school when we sucked. But
2553
02:08:59,897 --> 02:09:02,866
high school when we sucked. But
now I know why you were so
2554
02:09:02,867 --> 02:09:06,169
now I know why you were so
upset with foxborough high
2555
02:09:06,170 --> 02:09:10,841
upset with foxborough high
school. You were scouting your
2556
02:09:10,842 --> 02:09:12,008
school. You were scouting your
new girlfriend. I mean coach,
2557
02:09:12,009 --> 02:09:14,411
new girlfriend. I mean coach,
my joke wasn't fucked up, but
2558
02:09:14,412 --> 02:09:15,746
my joke wasn't fucked up, but
that's fucked up. You're 73
2559
02:09:15,747 --> 02:09:17,613
that's fucked up. You're 73
years old. You should be trying
2560
02:09:17,614 --> 02:09:22,486
years old. You should be trying
to bang someone your own age
2561
02:09:22,487 --> 02:09:25,087
to bang someone your own age
like Nikki. All right, I'll
2562
02:09:25,088 --> 02:09:26,524
like Nikki. All right, I'll
run that fucking hill again.
2563
02:09:26,525 --> 02:09:29,092
Run that fucking hill again.
This time I'll just keep
2564
02:09:29,093 --> 02:09:35,832
this time I'll just keep
running. And now let's talk
2565
02:09:35,833 --> 02:09:37,300
running. And now let's talk
about my designated driver, Tom
2566
02:09:37,301 --> 02:09:39,136
about my designated driver, Tom
Brady. Even though we played
2567
02:09:39,137 --> 02:09:42,005
Brady. Even though we played
together for 11 years, I feel
2568
02:09:42,006 --> 02:09:43,440
together for 11 years, I feel
like I barely know this guy.
2569
02:09:43,441 --> 02:09:45,474
Like I barely know this guy.
Tom's just like the avocados
2570
02:09:45,475 --> 02:09:50,181
Tom's just like the avocados
he eats. I think he's a fruit,
2571
02:09:50,182 --> 02:09:56,553
he eats. I think he's a fruit,
but I'm just totally not sure.
2572
02:10:02,793 --> 02:10:06,130
Yeah. I didn't even know you
were in Ted 2. I was watching
2573
02:10:06,131 --> 02:10:09,766
were in Ted 2. I was watching
that scene when a tiny furry
2574
02:10:09,767 --> 02:10:10,468
that scene when a tiny furry
bear started jerking you off. I
2575
02:10:10,469 --> 02:10:12,236
bear started jerking you off. I
think it might have been
2576
02:10:12,237 --> 02:10:18,308
think it might have been
security cam footage of Julian
2577
02:10:18,309 --> 02:10:21,511
security cam footage of Julian
at your house. Oh, I like that
2578
02:10:21,512 --> 02:10:22,679
at your house. Oh, I like that
one. I'm creative. You guys
2579
02:10:22,680 --> 02:10:25,849
one. I'm creative. You guys
all think I'm a dumb piece of
2580
02:10:25,850 --> 02:10:33,224
all think I'm a dumb piece of
fucking shit, but.
2581
02:10:34,892 --> 02:10:38,396
Well, I really am, I really am.
2582
02:10:39,964 --> 02:10:44,701
I run into people for a living.
Obviously I'm fucking dumb.
2583
02:10:44,702 --> 02:10:46,703
Obviously I'm fucking dumb.
All right, Tom, you should find
2584
02:10:46,704 --> 02:10:49,339
all right, Tom, you should find
some new hobbies, man, like I
2585
02:10:49,340 --> 02:10:51,007
some new hobbies, man, like I
did. I had a racehorse called
2586
02:10:51,008 --> 02:10:51,874
did. I had a racehorse called
gronkowski. I didn't name it
2587
02:10:51,875 --> 02:10:54,644
gronkowski. I didn't name it
Tom Brady because unlike you,
2588
02:10:54,645 --> 02:10:56,947
Tom Brady because unlike you,
it's good at running.
2589
02:10:57,081 --> 02:11:02,018
And also it knows when it
should be taken behind the barn
2590
02:11:02,019 --> 02:11:05,056
should be taken behind the barn
and shot. Shoot up.
2591
02:11:07,892 --> 02:11:11,162
I'm one of five brothers. Tom
doesn't even know five
2592
02:11:11,163 --> 02:11:13,064
doesn't even know five brothers.
2593
02:11:14,632 --> 02:11:19,536
I mean there are only two and a
half of them on this roast.
2594
02:11:19,537 --> 02:11:22,138
Half of them on this roast.
They don't count behind us,
2595
02:11:22,139 --> 02:11:23,273
they don't count behind us,
Kevin. All right? Oh, you're
2596
02:11:23,274 --> 02:11:26,509
Kevin. All right? Oh, you're
standing up. You can still suck
2597
02:11:26,510 --> 02:11:28,613
standing up. You can still suck
my dick.
2598
02:11:32,883 --> 02:11:34,117
Wow, that would feel good. I've
never tried it before, but I'll
2599
02:11:34,118 --> 02:11:35,852
never tried it before, but I'll
do it with you just because
2600
02:11:35,853 --> 02:11:38,622
do it with you just because
you're standing. Like imagine
2601
02:11:38,623 --> 02:11:39,991
you're standing. Like imagine
that grip you could give me.
2602
02:11:39,992 --> 02:11:44,996
That grip you could give me.
Wow.
2603
02:11:46,931 --> 02:11:51,834
Oh man. I'm making shit up as
we go. Just like my routes. But
2604
02:11:51,835 --> 02:11:53,536
we go. Just like my routes. But
we had a connection. He would
2605
02:11:53,537 --> 02:11:54,571
we had a connection. He would
still find me. Gronk, why the
2606
02:11:54,572 --> 02:11:58,141
still find me. Gronk, why the
fuck did you run that way? Oh,
2607
02:11:58,142 --> 02:12:03,847
fuck did you run that way? Oh,
touchdown, mother fuckers.
2608
02:12:03,848 --> 02:12:06,616
Touchdown, mother fuckers.
Wait, gronk, you're suppose to
2609
02:12:06,617 --> 02:12:07,751
wait, gronk, you're suppose to
run, oh, he's going deep. Oh
2610
02:12:07,752 --> 02:12:10,388
run, oh, he's going deep. Oh
shit, touchdown.
2611
02:12:12,585 --> 02:12:16,559
Bill would be like oh, gronk,
he doesn't know the play, but
2612
02:12:16,560 --> 02:12:20,698
he doesn't know the play, but
he scores. It's fine.
2613
02:12:24,935 --> 02:12:26,836
But Tom, I really am psyched
tonight that we got you and
2614
02:12:26,837 --> 02:12:27,871
tonight that we got you and
bill here tonight. Everyone
2615
02:12:27,872 --> 02:12:29,439
bill here tonight. Everyone
thinks you guys hate each
2616
02:12:29,440 --> 02:12:32,975
thinks you guys hate each
other. But I saw it firsthand
2617
02:12:32,976 --> 02:12:34,011
other. But I saw it firsthand
you two are exactly alike.
2618
02:12:34,012 --> 02:12:39,616
You two are exactly alike.
You're both hard asses that
2619
02:12:39,617 --> 02:12:41,952
you're both hard asses that
hate fun. You both live and
2620
02:12:41,953 --> 02:12:43,687
hate fun. You both live and
breathe football. Neither of
2621
02:12:43,688 --> 02:12:45,488
breathe football. Neither of
you are married anymore. You're
2622
02:12:45,489 --> 02:12:46,157
you are married anymore. You're
both even divorced from
2623
02:12:46,158 --> 02:12:48,858
both even divorced from
football, and both of you take
2624
02:12:48,859 --> 02:12:50,460
football, and both of you take
full credit for the dynasty.
2625
02:12:50,461 --> 02:12:52,663
Full credit for the dynasty.
And worse of all, I never had a
2626
02:12:52,664 --> 02:12:56,766
and worse of all, I never had a
fuckg drink with either of
2627
02:12:56,767 --> 02:12:58,634
fuckg drink with either of
you. Yeah. Now, hold it, hold
2628
02:12:58,635 --> 02:13:06,635
you. Yeah. Now, hold it, hold
it. No, don't drink. I got
2629
02:13:09,013 --> 02:13:09,880
it. No, don't drink. I got
something for you later. Well
2630
02:13:09,881 --> 02:13:14,417
something for you later. Well
tonight we're doing a fucking
2631
02:13:14,418 --> 02:13:16,285
tonight we're doing a fucking
shot, baby. Yes. And that's
2632
02:13:16,286 --> 02:13:17,388
shot, baby. Yes. And that's
why you've got to listen.
2633
02:13:17,389 --> 02:13:21,558
Why you've got to listen.
That's why coach belichick got
2634
02:13:21,559 --> 02:13:25,062
that's why coach belichick got
rid of your ass.
2635
02:13:33,003 --> 02:13:35,672
Oh shit.
Oh man. Oh shit.
2636
02:13:35,673 --> 02:13:39,709
Oh man. Oh shit.
Sound it out, Rob. Sound it
2637
02:13:39,710 --> 02:13:39,977
sound it out, Rob. Sound it
out.
2638
02:13:39,978 --> 02:13:42,145
Out.
Where am I? Where am I?
2639
02:13:42,146 --> 02:13:43,813
Where am I? Where am I?
You got it. You got it.
2640
02:13:43,814 --> 02:13:45,181
You got it. You got it.
Oh yeah, we're doing a
2641
02:13:45,182 --> 02:13:45,416
oh yeah, we're doing a shot.
2642
02:13:45,417 --> 02:13:47,450
Shot.
And don't worry, it
2643
02:13:47,451 --> 02:13:50,754
and don't worry, it
doesn't have any strawberries
2644
02:13:50,755 --> 02:13:51,455
doesn't have any strawberries
in it, Tom. Night shades,
2645
02:13:51,456 --> 02:13:52,789
in it, Tom. Night shades,
inflammation, whatever the fuck
2646
02:13:52,790 --> 02:13:54,056
inflammation, whatever the fuck
you're talking about. And it
2647
02:13:54,057 --> 02:14:02,057
you're talking about. And it
was approved by your mom and
2648
02:14:02,933 --> 02:14:04,968
was approved by your mom and
bill's boss, Alex guerrero.
2649
02:14:04,969 --> 02:14:06,870
Bill's boss, Alex guerrero.
No Rob, not that. The shot.
2650
02:14:06,871 --> 02:14:10,006
No Rob, not that. The shot.
Not that. Put that back. There
2651
02:14:10,007 --> 02:14:11,041
not that. Put that back. There
you go. Rob, help him, j.
2652
02:14:11,042 --> 02:14:12,742
You go. Rob, help him, j.
Goddamn mitt. I said don't
2653
02:14:12,743 --> 02:14:14,244
goddamn mitt. I said don't
leave him up here by himself.
2654
02:14:14,245 --> 02:14:16,579
Leave him up here by himself.
Get the glasses. There you go.
2655
02:14:16,580 --> 02:14:17,580
Get the glasses. There you go.
Good job, Rob. Good job.
2656
02:14:17,581 --> 02:14:19,849
Good job, Rob. Good job.
I love you bill, I love you
2657
02:14:19,850 --> 02:14:20,251
I love you bill, I love you Tom.
2658
02:14:20,252 --> 02:14:23,685
Tom.
Coach, take the shot. There
2659
02:14:23,686 --> 02:14:24,155
coach, take the shot. There
you go. Come on.
2660
02:14:24,156 --> 02:14:28,826
You go. Come on.
Hey.
2661
02:14:30,227 --> 02:14:31,394
[ Applause
2662
02:14:34,732 --> 02:14:37,368
love you guys.
2663
02:14:53,083 --> 02:14:54,784
That was tremendous. Thank
you, Tom.
2664
02:14:54,785 --> 02:14:56,685
You, Tom.
Um... we're live, so there
2665
02:14:56,686 --> 02:14:57,887
um... we're live, so there
is no way to hide the fact that
2666
02:14:57,888 --> 02:15:05,888
is no way to hide the fact that
gronk might be on a little more
2667
02:15:06,097 --> 02:15:06,764
gronk might be on a little more
than alcohol. Yeah. It's okay.
2668
02:15:06,765 --> 02:15:08,531
Than alcohol. Yeah. It's okay.
Yeah, no. Gronk, we'll get it.
2669
02:15:08,532 --> 02:15:10,800
Yeah, no. Gronk, we'll get it.
Yeah, no, we'll clean it up.
2670
02:15:10,801 --> 02:15:13,368
Yeah, no, we'll clean it up.
Yeah, just sit down when you
2671
02:15:13,369 --> 02:15:15,905
yeah, just sit down when you
get a chance, gronk. Jesus
2672
02:15:15,906 --> 02:15:17,474
get a chance, gronk. Jesus
Christ. Just lay down, gronk.
2673
02:15:17,475 --> 02:15:20,175
Christ. Just lay down, gronk.
Just lay down. I'm going to
2674
02:15:20,176 --> 02:15:21,177
just lay down. I'm going to
say what everybody else is
2675
02:15:21,178 --> 02:15:23,947
say what everybody else is
saying. I don't know if I
2676
02:15:23,948 --> 02:15:25,281
saying. I don't know if I
could get canceled for saying
2677
02:15:25,282 --> 02:15:28,152
could get canceled for saying
what I want to say. No, go back
2678
02:15:28,153 --> 02:15:33,156
what I want to say. No, go back
to the top. This is just my
2679
02:15:33,157 --> 02:15:36,559
to the top. This is just my
truth. Gronk scares me, he
2680
02:15:36,560 --> 02:15:43,500
truth. Gronk scares me, he
scares me. Gronk, he's the
2681
02:15:43,501 --> 02:15:44,301
scares me. Gronk, he's the
unsaved white drunk guy. I
2682
02:15:44,302 --> 02:15:45,635
unsaved white drunk guy. I
looked at Randy when gronk was
2683
02:15:45,636 --> 02:15:47,570
looked at Randy when gronk was
saying a lot of shit, and Randy
2684
02:15:47,571 --> 02:15:51,541
saying a lot of shit, and Randy
had to look and say I'm going
2685
02:15:51,542 --> 02:15:53,309
had to look and say I'm going
home. Like work is the guy that
2686
02:15:53,310 --> 02:15:56,714
home. Like work is the guy that
does shit that we all know ends
2687
02:15:56,715 --> 02:15:59,616
does shit that we all know ends
up in the fucking bad
2688
02:15:59,617 --> 02:16:00,151
up in the fucking bad
situation. Goddamnit, Tom. You
2689
02:16:00,152 --> 02:16:01,584
situation. Goddamnit, Tom. You
need to get him on a fucking
2690
02:16:01,585 --> 02:16:03,485
need to get him on a fucking
leash. I wish I could have seen
2691
02:16:03,486 --> 02:16:05,854
leash. I wish I could have seen
the words that we had to sound
2692
02:16:05,855 --> 02:16:08,958
the words that we had to sound
out and elongate on the fucking
2693
02:16:08,959 --> 02:16:11,326
out and elongate on the fucking
prompter. You had a lot of e's
2694
02:16:11,327 --> 02:16:14,397
prompter. You had a lot of e's
on one word, and gronk got
2695
02:16:14,398 --> 02:16:18,835
on one word, and gronk got
stuck. He was like... I had to
2696
02:16:18,836 --> 02:16:22,272
stuck. He was like... I had to
help him. Sound it out, gronk.
2697
02:16:22,273 --> 02:16:23,107
Help him. Sound it out, gronk.
Fuck. Keep it going. Jesus
2698
02:16:23,108 --> 02:16:25,574
fuck. Keep it going. Jesus
Christ. You know, gronk, they
2699
02:16:25,575 --> 02:16:26,809
Christ. You know, gronk, they
had like this concussion
2700
02:16:26,810 --> 02:16:27,511
had like this concussion
protocol, right? Here is a
2701
02:16:27,512 --> 02:16:28,545
protocol, right? Here is a
protocol for gronk. If you hit
2702
02:16:28,546 --> 02:16:29,979
protocol for gronk. If you hit
him in the head, the only way
2703
02:16:29,980 --> 02:16:32,848
him in the head, the only way
to get him out of it, you need
2704
02:16:32,849 --> 02:16:34,317
to get him out of it, you need
to hit him again. Gronk is the
2705
02:16:34,318 --> 02:16:41,157
to hit him again. Gronk is the
only one who can take two hits.
2706
02:16:41,158 --> 02:16:41,692
Only one who can take two hits.
Fucking gronk. Jesus Christ.
2707
02:16:41,693 --> 02:16:42,792
Fucking gronk. Jesus Christ.
His whole live almost went to
2708
02:16:42,793 --> 02:16:44,561
his whole live almost went to
shit. Here is the good thing.
2709
02:16:44,562 --> 02:16:46,162
Shit. Here is the good thing.
Gronk says he's returning,
2710
02:16:46,163 --> 02:16:46,730
gronk says he's returning,
right? He's not returning to
2711
02:16:46,731 --> 02:16:48,698
right? He's not returning to
NFL football because he
2712
02:16:48,699 --> 02:16:51,134
NFL football because he
doesn't have the itch for the
2713
02:16:51,135 --> 02:16:52,002
doesn't have the itch for the
game. And that's
2714
02:16:52,003 --> 02:16:55,404
game. And that's
understandable. But the women
2715
02:16:55,405 --> 02:16:57,273
understandable. But the women
you slept with do. Rob, they're
2716
02:16:57,274 --> 02:16:57,873
you slept with do. Rob, they're
itching. You fucked them good.
2717
02:16:57,874 --> 02:17:01,211
Itching. You fucked them good.
A lot of fucking going on in
2718
02:17:01,212 --> 02:17:02,544
a lot of fucking going on in
the patriots organization, by
2719
02:17:02,545 --> 02:17:04,480
the patriots organization, by
the way. Jesus Christ. By the
2720
02:17:04,481 --> 02:17:08,017
the way. Jesus Christ. By the
way, bill loved that. Look at
2721
02:17:08,018 --> 02:17:08,686
way, bill loved that. Look at
bill. Jesus, he's cracking
2722
02:17:08,687 --> 02:17:11,322
bill. Jesus, he's cracking
smiles, laughing harder on the
2723
02:17:11,323 --> 02:17:14,524
smiles, laughing harder on the
fact that you're giving out
2724
02:17:14,525 --> 02:17:15,292
fact that you're giving out
herpies. Jesus Christ, bill.
2725
02:17:15,293 --> 02:17:19,362
Herpies. Jesus Christ, bill.
What have you been blessed
2726
02:17:19,363 --> 02:17:21,698
what have you been blessed
with? Yeah, fuck all of them,
2727
02:17:21,699 --> 02:17:24,434
with? Yeah, fuck all of them,
Kevin. I don't have a job. All
2728
02:17:24,435 --> 02:17:27,837
Kevin. I don't have a job. All
right. I get it, bill. Fuck
2729
02:17:27,838 --> 02:17:29,572
right. I get it, bill. Fuck
you, Tom. All right, guys,
2730
02:17:29,573 --> 02:17:30,740
you, Tom. All right, guys,
listen, your next roaster just
2731
02:17:30,741 --> 02:17:34,811
listen, your next roaster just
sold out Madison square garden,
2732
02:17:34,812 --> 02:17:36,112
sold out Madison square garden,
and I want to exclamate that.
2733
02:17:36,113 --> 02:17:37,780
And I want to exclamate that.
He sold out Madison square
2734
02:17:37,781 --> 02:17:38,480
he sold out Madison square
garden and it was a dream of
2735
02:17:38,481 --> 02:17:40,316
garden and it was a dream of
his and he fucking made it
2736
02:17:40,317 --> 02:17:40,882
his and he fucking made it
happen. That's pretty good for
2737
02:17:40,883 --> 02:17:45,487
happen. That's pretty good for
a guy who looks like he works
2738
02:17:45,488 --> 02:17:46,757
a guy who looks like he works
at olive garden. Please show
2739
02:17:46,758 --> 02:17:49,259
at olive garden. Please show
some love to Andrew schulz.
2740
02:17:49,260 --> 02:17:52,329
Some love to Andrew schulz.
Let's go.
2741
02:17:59,269 --> 02:18:01,404
Hello, make some noise. All
right, give it up for Kevin
2742
02:18:01,405 --> 02:18:04,407
right, give it up for Kevin
hart first of all hosting this
2743
02:18:04,408 --> 02:18:05,675
hart first of all hosting this
thing. Absolutely amazing.
2744
02:18:05,676 --> 02:18:08,044
Thing. Absolutely amazing.
Hardest fucking man in
2745
02:18:08,045 --> 02:18:10,546
hardest fucking man in
Hollywood. Give it up for kev.
2746
02:18:10,547 --> 02:18:12,914
Hollywood. Give it up for kev.
Kev is the hardest working man
2747
02:18:12,915 --> 02:18:17,319
kev is the hardest working man
in Hollywood outside the PR guy
2748
02:18:17,320 --> 02:18:18,022
in Hollywood outside the PR guy
for nickelodeon. Kevin hart as
2749
02:18:18,023 --> 02:18:22,325
for nickelodeon. Kevin hart as
he's known in the industry,
2750
02:18:22,326 --> 02:18:23,893
he's known in the industry,
the rock's bottom. Kevin is
2751
02:18:23,894 --> 02:18:24,894
the rock's bottom. Kevin is
best friends with the rock. His
2752
02:18:24,895 --> 02:18:32,535
best friends with the rock. His
dad was also best friends with
2753
02:18:32,536 --> 02:18:37,940
dad was also best friends with
the rock, crack. We could smell
2754
02:18:37,941 --> 02:18:39,141
the rock, crack. We could smell
what he was cooking, crack. The
2755
02:18:39,142 --> 02:18:40,610
what he was cooking, crack. The
guy was the super star. You can
2756
02:18:40,611 --> 02:18:42,712
guy was the super star. You can
make fun of him for being
2757
02:18:42,713 --> 02:18:43,681
make fun of him for being
short, but there's advantages
2758
02:18:43,681 --> 02:18:44,448
short, but there's advantages
to being short. Kevin is the
2759
02:18:44,449 --> 02:18:45,949
to being short. Kevin is the
only guy you can call three
2760
02:18:45,950 --> 02:18:50,386
only guy you can call three
fits a person, which is fucking
2761
02:18:50,387 --> 02:18:51,455
fits a person, which is fucking
awesome because that's what
2762
02:18:51,456 --> 02:18:56,125
awesome because that's what
his wife took in the divorce.
2763
02:18:56,126 --> 02:18:58,728
His wife took in the divorce.
Guys. What a day we have here,
2764
02:18:58,729 --> 02:18:59,430
guys. What a day we have here,
ladies and gentlemen. Look at
2765
02:18:59,431 --> 02:19:00,496
ladies and gentlemen. Look at
this. This stage has seen more
2766
02:19:00,497 --> 02:19:06,635
this. This stage has seen more
head trauma than a Kennedy on
2767
02:19:06,636 --> 02:19:08,037
head trauma than a Kennedy on
the campaign trail. Speaking of
2768
02:19:08,038 --> 02:19:09,606
the campaign trail. Speaking of
brainless patriots, Tom, all
2769
02:19:09,607 --> 02:19:15,346
brainless patriots, Tom, all
your boys showed up for you.
2770
02:19:15,347 --> 02:19:18,147
Your boys showed up for you.
Gronk, you hunky retard. Look
2771
02:19:18,148 --> 02:19:23,019
gronk, you hunky retard. Look
at you. Gronk, you look like
2772
02:19:23,020 --> 02:19:24,754
at you. Gronk, you look like
your mom fucked a monster,
2773
02:19:24,755 --> 02:19:25,922
your mom fucked a monster,
energy drink. I'm surprised
2774
02:19:25,923 --> 02:19:32,963
energy drink. I'm surprised
you didn't start your set with
2775
02:19:32,964 --> 02:19:37,066
you didn't start your set with
hey, you guys. Despite coming
2776
02:19:37,067 --> 02:19:38,035
hey, you guys. Despite coming
across as a mush brain
2777
02:19:38,036 --> 02:19:39,635
across as a mush brain
mongoloid, gronk has a New York
2778
02:19:39,636 --> 02:19:40,636
mongoloid, gronk has a New York
times best selling book. He's
2779
02:19:40,637 --> 02:19:42,472
times best selling book. He's
the first author in history to
2780
02:19:42,473 --> 02:19:45,608
the first author in history to
have a ghost writer and ghost
2781
02:19:45,609 --> 02:19:46,343
have a ghost writer and ghost
reader. No, it's amazing. He
2782
02:19:46,344 --> 02:19:50,380
reader. No, it's amazing. He
can't read. He's still trying
2783
02:19:50,381 --> 02:19:52,013
can't read. He's still trying
to figure out what three-fifths
2784
02:19:52,014 --> 02:19:53,416
to figure out what three-fifths
is. It's how much Nikki
2785
02:19:53,417 --> 02:19:57,888
is. It's how much Nikki
glaser's hands go down her
2786
02:19:57,889 --> 02:20:00,056
glaser's hands go down her
throat after a meal. Whatever
2787
02:20:00,057 --> 02:20:03,326
throat after a meal. Whatever
you're doing, Nikki, it's
2788
02:20:03,327 --> 02:20:05,995
you're doing, Nikki, it's
working. Keep it up. Julian
2789
02:20:05,996 --> 02:20:07,897
working. Keep it up. Julian
edelman is here. I didn't even
2790
02:20:07,898 --> 02:20:09,666
edelman is here. I didn't even
know Julian was Jewish until I
2791
02:20:09,667 --> 02:20:15,171
know Julian was Jewish until I
saw him return at kickoff for a
2792
02:20:15,172 --> 02:20:16,739
saw him return at kickoff for a
refund. Julian is notorious for
2793
02:20:16,740 --> 02:20:20,843
refund. Julian is notorious for
having sex with every Jewish
2794
02:20:20,844 --> 02:20:22,178
having sex with every Jewish
model on the planet. Both of
2795
02:20:22,179 --> 02:20:23,479
model on the planet. Both of
them. I'm joking, there's
2796
02:20:23,480 --> 02:20:24,647
them. I'm joking, there's
plenty of Jewish models out
2797
02:20:24,648 --> 02:20:32,155
plenty of Jewish models out
there as they call them in
2798
02:20:32,156 --> 02:20:33,023
there as they call them in
L.A., Leo's bagel holes.
2799
02:20:33,024 --> 02:20:35,391
L.A., Leo's bagel holes.
Dana's here. Dana white, the
2800
02:20:35,392 --> 02:20:40,096
Dana's here. Dana white, the
greatest promoter in history.
2801
02:20:40,097 --> 02:20:42,230
Greatest promoter in history.
Make some noise for Dana. Dana
2802
02:20:42,231 --> 02:20:48,571
make some noise for Dana. Dana
has put more immigrants in
2803
02:20:48,572 --> 02:20:50,339
has put more immigrants in
cages than U.S. border
2804
02:20:50,340 --> 02:20:52,475
cages than U.S. border
policies. Dana is a skin head
2805
02:20:52,476 --> 02:20:56,879
policies. Dana is a skin head
genius. He found a way for
2806
02:20:56,880 --> 02:20:58,280
genius. He found a way for
minorities to beat each other
2807
02:20:58,281 --> 02:21:00,683
minorities to beat each other
up. Respect to Dana though.
2808
02:21:00,684 --> 02:21:01,583
Up. Respect to Dana though.
He's a self-made man. Before
2809
02:21:01,584 --> 02:21:04,487
he's a self-made man. Before
the ufc, he left Boston with
2810
02:21:04,488 --> 02:21:05,888
the ufc, he left Boston with
absolutely nothing, and that's
2811
02:21:05,889 --> 02:21:07,356
absolutely nothing, and that's
something, Randy, you can
2812
02:21:07,357 --> 02:21:10,525
something, Randy, you can
completely relate to. Shout out
2813
02:21:10,526 --> 02:21:13,529
completely relate to. Shout out
to Randy for coming out dressed
2814
02:21:13,530 --> 02:21:14,396
to Randy for coming out dressed
like bagger Vance. Someone get
2815
02:21:14,397 --> 02:21:19,769
like bagger Vance. Someone get
him out of a sand trap, I mean
2816
02:21:19,770 --> 02:21:20,337
him out of a sand trap, I mean
Nikki's pussy. Sorry. Randy's
2817
02:21:20,338 --> 02:21:21,437
Nikki's pussy. Sorry. Randy's
the greatest wide receiver of
2818
02:21:21,438 --> 02:21:23,372
the greatest wide receiver of
all time. He's also a civil
2819
02:21:23,373 --> 02:21:26,075
all time. He's also a civil
rights hero. A lot of people
2820
02:21:26,076 --> 02:21:27,610
rights hero. A lot of people
don't know this, he got
2821
02:21:27,611 --> 02:21:30,546
don't know this, he got
expelled at his high school for
2822
02:21:30,547 --> 02:21:31,581
expelled at his high school for
fighting racists. He has fought
2823
02:21:31,582 --> 02:21:33,216
fighting racists. He has fought
racism in his entire career and
2824
02:21:33,217 --> 02:21:35,151
racism in his entire career and
why he refuses to win a
2825
02:21:35,152 --> 02:21:35,986
why he refuses to win a
championship for Boston, so
2826
02:21:35,987 --> 02:21:40,490
championship for Boston, so
give it up. You won in the long
2827
02:21:40,491 --> 02:21:41,924
give it up. You won in the long
run. You beat them, okay? Randy
2828
02:21:41,925 --> 02:21:44,227
run. You beat them, okay? Randy
made sure on super bowl Sunday
2829
02:21:44,228 --> 02:21:45,996
made sure on super bowl Sunday
in Boston, the only people
2830
02:21:45,997 --> 02:21:52,300
in Boston, the only people
celebrating a happy ending were
2831
02:21:52,301 --> 02:21:57,273
celebrating a happy ending were
the priests. Jeff Ross is here,
2832
02:21:57,274 --> 02:21:57,875
the priests. Jeff Ross is here,
roast royalty. Jeff, you remind
2833
02:21:57,876 --> 02:22:05,781
roast royalty. Jeff, you remind
me of the patient from the
2834
02:22:05,782 --> 02:22:08,719
me of the patient from the
game, operation. Because every
2835
02:22:08,720 --> 02:22:13,421
game, operation. Because every
time kids touch you, you light
2836
02:22:13,422 --> 02:22:17,126
time kids touch you, you light
up. There's none back there,
2837
02:22:17,127 --> 02:22:18,427
up. There's none back there,
Jeff. Just sit down. It's
2838
02:22:18,428 --> 02:22:20,229
Jeff. Just sit down. It's
amazing Jeff Ross is even here
2839
02:22:20,230 --> 02:22:22,731
amazing Jeff Ross is even here
actually. He's recovering from
2840
02:22:22,732 --> 02:22:24,566
actually. He's recovering from
a horrible acl injury. Acl is
2841
02:22:24,567 --> 02:22:27,069
a horrible acl injury. Acl is
the only injury gronk can
2842
02:22:27,070 --> 02:22:28,005
the only injury gronk can
spell. And speaking of things
2843
02:22:28,006 --> 02:22:29,238
spell. And speaking of things
that make men limp, Nikki
2844
02:22:29,239 --> 02:22:33,409
that make men limp, Nikki
glaser is here. Give it up for
2845
02:22:33,410 --> 02:22:35,912
glaser is here. Give it up for
Nikki. A lot of people were
2846
02:22:35,913 --> 02:22:38,915
Nikki. A lot of people were
wondering why Nikki was even on
2847
02:22:38,916 --> 02:22:40,750
wondering why Nikki was even on
this, which is sexist bullshit.
2848
02:22:40,751 --> 02:22:41,351
This, which is sexist bullshit.
She's absolutely hilarious.
2849
02:22:41,352 --> 02:22:44,487
She's absolutely hilarious.
Give it up for her, man. She's
2850
02:22:44,488 --> 02:22:44,955
give it up for her, man. She's
absolutely hilarious. Killed
2851
02:22:44,956 --> 02:22:46,589
absolutely hilarious. Killed
it, killed it. A lot of people
2852
02:22:46,590 --> 02:22:47,357
it, killed it. A lot of people
don't know this, Nikki has
2853
02:22:47,358 --> 02:22:49,425
don't know this, Nikki has
deep ties to the game of
2854
02:22:49,426 --> 02:22:50,760
deep ties to the game of
football. Not only is her face
2855
02:22:50,761 --> 02:22:52,295
football. Not only is her face
made out of pig skins, but
2856
02:22:52,296 --> 02:22:54,130
made out of pig skins, but
every guy she dates bends her
2857
02:22:54,131 --> 02:23:00,202
every guy she dates bends her
over and takes a hike. So she
2858
02:23:00,203 --> 02:23:02,004
over and takes a hike. So she
deserves to be here, okay.
2859
02:23:02,005 --> 02:23:02,673
Deserves to be here, okay.
People talk about Nikki's
2860
02:23:02,674 --> 02:23:03,873
people talk about Nikki's
appearance, but I think we all
2861
02:23:03,874 --> 02:23:05,608
appearance, but I think we all
know what matters is what's on
2862
02:23:05,609 --> 02:23:06,943
know what matters is what's on
the inside. What's on the
2863
02:23:06,944 --> 02:23:08,410
the inside. What's on the
inside is what counts. Sure on
2864
02:23:08,411 --> 02:23:10,981
inside is what counts. Sure on
the outside she looks like
2865
02:23:10,982 --> 02:23:18,421
the outside she looks like
Tiffany trump, but on the
2866
02:23:18,422 --> 02:23:19,254
Tiffany trump, but on the
inside, she's barron. Speaking
2867
02:23:19,255 --> 02:23:21,357
inside, she's barron. Speaking
of people that can no longer
2868
02:23:21,358 --> 02:23:25,761
of people that can no longer
deliver, let's talk about Tom,
2869
02:23:25,762 --> 02:23:27,228
deliver, let's talk about Tom,
mother fucking Brady. The man
2870
02:23:27,229 --> 02:23:29,498
mother fucking Brady. The man
in the arena, the goat. Tom, I
2871
02:23:29,499 --> 02:23:31,000
in the arena, the goat. Tom, I
know bill belichick showed up
2872
02:23:31,001 --> 02:23:31,802
know bill belichick showed up
late, but don't worry, i'm
2873
02:23:31,803 --> 02:23:33,569
late, but don't worry, i'm
sure he has someone secretly
2874
02:23:33,570 --> 02:23:36,038
sure he has someone secretly
recording this, so we can watch
2875
02:23:36,039 --> 02:23:38,407
recording this, so we can watch
the whole thing later, okay?
2876
02:23:38,408 --> 02:23:39,276
The whole thing later, okay?
Bill is secretly filmed more
2877
02:23:39,277 --> 02:23:42,945
bill is secretly filmed more
guys playing for the other team
2878
02:23:42,946 --> 02:23:48,185
guys playing for the other team
than diddy. That's your boy,
2879
02:23:48,186 --> 02:23:51,854
than diddy. That's your boy,
kev. A lot of tight ends turned
2880
02:23:51,855 --> 02:23:54,823
kev. A lot of tight ends turned
wide receivers if you know what
2881
02:23:54,824 --> 02:23:56,659
wide receivers if you know what
I mean. Tom said that the
2882
02:23:56,660 --> 02:23:58,961
I mean. Tom said that the
reason he loves football is
2883
02:23:58,962 --> 02:24:01,297
reason he loves football is
because it allows him to be his
2884
02:24:01,298 --> 02:24:02,398
because it allows him to be his
true authentic version of
2885
02:24:02,399 --> 02:24:06,902
true authentic version of
himself. Hiding behind a mask,
2886
02:24:06,903 --> 02:24:08,104
himself. Hiding behind a mask,
throwing things at black
2887
02:24:08,105 --> 02:24:13,275
throwing things at black
people. I'm kidding. He never
2888
02:24:13,276 --> 02:24:13,910
people. I'm kidding. He never
threw to the black guys.
2889
02:24:13,911 --> 02:24:16,579
Threw to the black guys.
Gronkowski, edelman, welker,
2890
02:24:16,580 --> 02:24:17,747
gronkowski, edelman, welker,
that's not a receiving core,
2891
02:24:17,748 --> 02:24:19,248
that's not a receiving core,
that's a law firm. With that
2892
02:24:19,249 --> 02:24:21,083
that's a law firm. With that
divorce coming up, you're
2893
02:24:21,084 --> 02:24:22,418
divorce coming up, you're
going to fucking need them. Oh,
2894
02:24:22,419 --> 02:24:24,220
going to fucking need them. Oh,
that's why Dana's here, so
2895
02:24:24,221 --> 02:24:26,857
that's why Dana's here, so
you can learn how to fuck a
2896
02:24:26,858 --> 02:24:30,460
you can learn how to fuck a
Brazilian out of half their
2897
02:24:30,461 --> 02:24:38,461
Brazilian out of half their
purse. Tom, you became the goat
2898
02:24:41,070 --> 02:24:42,505
purse. Tom, you became the goat
by being the fiercest
2899
02:24:42,506 --> 02:24:43,140
by being the fiercest
competitor on the planet. Tom
2900
02:24:43,141 --> 02:24:45,774
competitor on the planet. Tom
was once asked can which one of
2901
02:24:45,775 --> 02:24:49,377
was once asked can which one of
his rings was his favorite. And
2902
02:24:49,378 --> 02:24:52,748
his rings was his favorite. And
he said the next one. Sorry,
2903
02:24:52,749 --> 02:24:55,184
he said the next one. Sorry,
that's a Gisele quote. My dad.
2904
02:24:55,185 --> 02:24:59,855
That's a Gisele quote. My dad.
Guys, yeah. That was Gisele.
2905
02:24:59,856 --> 02:25:02,123
Guys, yeah. That was Gisele.
That was Gisele for sure. Tom,
2906
02:25:02,124 --> 02:25:04,627
that was Gisele for sure. Tom,
you all remind us, sorry, you
2907
02:25:04,628 --> 02:25:07,096
you all remind us, sorry, you
remind us that no matter how
2908
02:25:07,097 --> 02:25:08,998
remind us that no matter how
big you get, how successful you
2909
02:25:08,999 --> 02:25:11,133
big you get, how successful you
are, how much you accomplished
2910
02:25:11,134 --> 02:25:13,134
are, how much you accomplished
in your life, you can always
2911
02:25:13,135 --> 02:25:16,605
in your life, you can always
end up a twice divorce
2912
02:25:16,606 --> 02:25:17,240
end up a twice divorce
supplement salesman in tampa,
2913
02:25:17,241 --> 02:25:19,075
supplement salesman in tampa,
Florida. And for that we all
2914
02:25:19,076 --> 02:25:19,943
Florida. And for that we all
thank you. You are the goat.
2915
02:25:19,944 --> 02:25:24,313
Thank you. You are the goat.
Thank you so much for even
2916
02:25:24,314 --> 02:25:27,350
thank you so much for even
doing this, brother.
2917
02:25:37,727 --> 02:25:40,196
Goddamnit, Andrew schulz.
Worth the goddamn hype. It was
2918
02:25:40,197 --> 02:25:42,363
worth the goddamn hype. It was
great. I got to be honest, it
2919
02:25:42,364 --> 02:25:43,432
great. I got to be honest, it
was fucking great. Guys, don't
2920
02:25:43,433 --> 02:25:47,503
was fucking great. Guys, don't
go down. Fucking show him the
2921
02:25:47,504 --> 02:25:48,271
go down. Fucking show him the
love. It was great. Hey, hey,
2922
02:25:48,272 --> 02:25:51,073
love. It was great. Hey, hey,
how about a hand for this
2923
02:25:51,074 --> 02:25:51,641
how about a hand for this
fucking guy, Kevin hart.
2924
02:25:51,642 --> 02:25:54,043
Fucking guy, Kevin hart.
Oh shit, thank you, Bert.
2925
02:25:54,044 --> 02:25:55,745
Oh shit, thank you, Bert.
Amazing show tonight,
2926
02:25:55,746 --> 02:25:56,846
amazing show tonight,
amazing host, Kevin hart.
2927
02:25:56,847 --> 02:26:01,584
Amazing host, Kevin hart.
I appreciate it. I
2928
02:26:01,585 --> 02:26:02,185
I appreciate it. I
appreciate you.
2929
02:26:02,185 --> 02:26:02,452
Appreciate you.
Amazing.
2930
02:26:02,453 --> 02:26:03,686
Amazing.
Thank you, guys. I
2931
02:26:03,687 --> 02:26:04,854
thank you, guys. I
appreciate you. We are having a
2932
02:26:04,855 --> 02:26:06,221
appreciate you. We are having a
good time. Hey, my question is
2933
02:26:06,222 --> 02:26:09,558
good time. Hey, my question is
if Andrew is here, then who is
2934
02:26:09,559 --> 02:26:11,594
if Andrew is here, then who is
fixing the dog race? Because
2935
02:26:11,595 --> 02:26:14,463
fixing the dog race? Because
they look like Andrew. Just
2936
02:26:14,464 --> 02:26:16,365
they look like Andrew. Just
wait a second. Andrew schulz is
2937
02:26:16,366 --> 02:26:18,501
wait a second. Andrew schulz is
looking so peculiar that you
2938
02:26:18,502 --> 02:26:20,369
looking so peculiar that you
can't put your eyes on it. I
2939
02:26:20,370 --> 02:26:22,337
can't put your eyes on it. I
cracked the code. He looks like
2940
02:26:22,338 --> 02:26:27,175
cracked the code. He looks like
a pedophile from the 30s like
2941
02:26:27,176 --> 02:26:34,250
a pedophile from the 30s like
the 1930s. Or he looks like a
2942
02:26:34,251 --> 02:26:35,417
the 1930s. Or he looks like a
silent film porn star. No
2943
02:26:35,418 --> 02:26:39,155
silent film porn star. No
noises. All faces in mustaches,
2944
02:26:39,156 --> 02:26:39,723
noises. All faces in mustaches,
that's it. Andrew schulz's
2945
02:26:39,724 --> 02:26:41,190
that's it. Andrew schulz's
dad, I'm willing to bet has a
2946
02:26:41,191 --> 02:26:43,259
dad, I'm willing to bet has a
pizzeria, but he's got one of
2947
02:26:43,260 --> 02:26:45,427
pizzeria, but he's got one of
those pizzerias with no
2948
02:26:45,428 --> 02:26:46,396
those pizzerias with no
pictures of black celebrities.
2949
02:26:46,397 --> 02:26:48,731
Pictures of black celebrities.
It's just like weird. You
2950
02:26:48,732 --> 02:26:49,432
it's just like weird. You
can't ask questions. Andrew
2951
02:26:49,433 --> 02:26:51,300
can't ask questions. Andrew
looks like, he looks like, you
2952
02:26:51,301 --> 02:26:52,802
looks like, he looks like, you
know what it is? Andrew, you
2953
02:26:52,803 --> 02:26:54,537
know what it is? Andrew, you
look like you were in guys in
2954
02:26:54,538 --> 02:26:56,138
look like you were in guys in
dolls, but you look like you
2955
02:26:56,139 --> 02:26:57,473
dolls, but you look like you
fucked them. I've got to be
2956
02:26:57,474 --> 02:26:59,307
fucked them. I've got to be
honest with you. You look like
2957
02:26:59,308 --> 02:27:01,210
honest with you. You look like
you do a lot of weird shit, not
2958
02:27:01,211 --> 02:27:02,611
you do a lot of weird shit, not
just because of your mustache,
2959
02:27:02,612 --> 02:27:03,779
just because of your mustache,
just because of your face.
2960
02:27:03,780 --> 02:27:05,014
Just because of your face.
Andrew is proof once you start
2961
02:27:05,015 --> 02:27:06,682
Andrew is proof once you start
pretending to be black, you
2962
02:27:06,683 --> 02:27:08,851
pretending to be black, you
will never go back. He has been
2963
02:27:08,852 --> 02:27:09,586
will never go back. He has been
here for the entirety. Andrew,
2964
02:27:09,586 --> 02:27:10,453
here for the entirety. Andrew,
they didn't like that. I
2965
02:27:10,454 --> 02:27:12,189
they didn't like that. I
thought it was a good one. They
2966
02:27:12,190 --> 02:27:14,323
thought it was a good one. They
didn't know the 50 cent
2967
02:27:14,324 --> 02:27:15,758
didn't know the 50 cent
history. Yeah. No, they don't
2968
02:27:15,759 --> 02:27:16,827
history. Yeah. No, they don't
get it, Andrew. I thought that
2969
02:27:16,828 --> 02:27:18,627
get it, Andrew. I thought that
one was going to hit like the
2970
02:27:18,628 --> 02:27:21,330
one was going to hit like the
black shit you just did at the
2971
02:27:21,331 --> 02:27:22,232
black shit you just did at the
concert, all right, I'll
2972
02:27:22,233 --> 02:27:24,800
concert, all right, I'll
explain it to you later, I
2973
02:27:24,801 --> 02:27:25,968
explain it to you later, I
guess. You understand what
2974
02:27:25,969 --> 02:27:27,570
guess. You understand what
Andrew schulz is. He's a great
2975
02:27:27,571 --> 02:27:29,371
Andrew schulz is. He's a great
guy. The culture loves him. All
2976
02:27:29,372 --> 02:27:31,273
guy. The culture loves him. All
right, I'm done explaining it.
2977
02:27:31,274 --> 02:27:33,576
Right, I'm done explaining it.
Fuck you, Tom Brady. All right,
2978
02:27:33,577 --> 02:27:34,710
fuck you, Tom Brady. All right,
guys, listen, we are honored,
2979
02:27:34,711 --> 02:27:36,545
guys, listen, we are honored,
we are honored to have a living
2980
02:27:36,546 --> 02:27:37,645
we are honored to have a living
legend in the building tonight,
2981
02:27:37,646 --> 02:27:39,548
legend in the building tonight,
and I do mean honor. Listen, I
2982
02:27:39,549 --> 02:27:42,384
and I do mean honor. Listen, I
want you to make some patriot
2983
02:27:42,385 --> 02:27:43,119
want you to make some patriot
noise. Some good noise. Some
2984
02:27:43,120 --> 02:27:46,555
noise. Some good noise. Some
good noise for our patriot
2985
02:27:46,556 --> 02:27:47,224
good noise for our patriot
owner, Robert kraft. Please. [
2986
02:27:47,224 --> 02:27:47,257
owner, Robert kraft. Please. [
Cheering
2987
02:27:47,258 --> 02:27:52,195
owner, Robert kraft. Please.
2988
02:28:05,875 --> 02:28:08,643
Tommy, thanks for having me
here at this unique experience.
2989
02:28:08,644 --> 02:28:13,414
Here at this unique experience.
I thought I've seen it all,
2990
02:28:13,415 --> 02:28:15,083
I thought I've seen it all,
but this is special. You know
2991
02:28:15,084 --> 02:28:18,020
but this is special. You know
the patriots are more than a
2992
02:28:18,021 --> 02:28:20,923
the patriots are more than a
football team for me. They are
2993
02:28:20,924 --> 02:28:22,390
football team for me. They are
family. And guys, it's so good
2994
02:28:22,391 --> 02:28:25,394
family. And guys, it's so good
to see all of you here again.
2995
02:28:25,395 --> 02:28:31,600
To see all of you here again.
Thank you so much for
2996
02:28:31,601 --> 02:28:35,237
thank you so much for
everything you did for us. And
2997
02:28:35,238 --> 02:28:35,906
everything you did for us. And
you're like many family
2998
02:28:35,907 --> 02:28:42,244
you're like many family
reunions. There is some people
2999
02:28:42,245 --> 02:28:43,479
reunions. There is some people
I'm desperately trying to
3000
02:28:43,480 --> 02:28:49,118
I'm desperately trying to
avoid. Coach belichick, good to
3001
02:28:49,119 --> 02:28:51,953
avoid. Coach belichick, good to
see you. You really look good
3002
02:28:51,954 --> 02:28:53,255
see you. You really look good
in sleeves. Tonight has really
3003
02:28:53,256 --> 02:28:55,424
in sleeves. Tonight has really
been funny, but Julian, let's
3004
02:28:55,425 --> 02:29:02,163
been funny, but Julian, let's
be honest and realistic, i'm
3005
02:29:02,164 --> 02:29:04,501
be honest and realistic, i'm
not inviting you to my funeral.
3006
02:29:04,502 --> 02:29:07,703
Not inviting you to my funeral.
Tom, good luck buying the
3007
02:29:07,704 --> 02:29:09,905
Tom, good luck buying the
raiders. They'll dig your
3008
02:29:09,906 --> 02:29:11,041
raiders. They'll dig your
favorite thing for you already.
3009
02:29:11,042 --> 02:29:18,381
Favorite thing for you already.
They got rid of Jimmy
3010
02:29:18,382 --> 02:29:23,285
they got rid of Jimmy
garoppolo. But in all
3011
02:29:23,286 --> 02:29:26,121
garoppolo. But in all
seriousness, Tommy, and this is
3012
02:29:26,122 --> 02:29:28,357
seriousness, Tommy, and this is
very meaningful to me because I
3013
02:29:28,358 --> 02:29:30,293
very meaningful to me because I
remember him coming down the
3014
02:29:30,294 --> 02:29:37,433
remember him coming down the
stairs at the old foxborough
3015
02:29:37,434 --> 02:29:39,401
stairs at the old foxborough
stadium 24 years ago. For $6
3016
02:29:39,402 --> 02:29:41,637
stadium 24 years ago. For $6
million, it was not fancy like
3017
02:29:41,638 --> 02:29:43,505
million, it was not fancy like
this play here. But the first
3018
02:29:43,506 --> 02:29:47,208
this play here. But the first
thing he came down with a pizza
3019
02:29:47,209 --> 02:29:50,279
thing he came down with a pizza
box under his arm and said, you
3020
02:29:50,280 --> 02:29:52,147
box under his arm and said, you
know, I'm Tom Brady. I said I
3021
02:29:52,148 --> 02:29:56,118
know, I'm Tom Brady. I said I
know who you are. You're our
3022
02:29:56,119 --> 02:29:56,720
know who you are. You're our
sixth round draft choice.
3023
02:29:56,721 --> 02:29:58,053
Sixth round draft choice.
Number 199. He looked me
3024
02:29:58,054 --> 02:30:01,357
number 199. He looked me
straight in the eye and he said
3025
02:30:01,358 --> 02:30:09,199
straight in the eye and he said
yes, and I'm the best decision
3026
02:30:09,200 --> 02:30:11,900
yes, and I'm the best decision
this organization has ever
3027
02:30:11,901 --> 02:30:14,069
this organization has ever
made. So nothing could be
3028
02:30:14,070 --> 02:30:15,237
made. So nothing could be
truer. I want to raise this
3029
02:30:15,238 --> 02:30:17,940
truer. I want to raise this
drink to you and say you will
3030
02:30:17,941 --> 02:30:23,578
drink to you and say you will
always be special to my family,
3031
02:30:23,579 --> 02:30:26,883
always be special to my family,
and I love you, Tommy.
3032
02:30:32,021 --> 02:30:34,223
And one more thing, in case
Vladimir putin, you're
3033
02:30:34,224 --> 02:30:41,263
Vladimir putin, you're
watching, give me my fucking
3034
02:30:41,264 --> 02:30:49,264
watching, give me my fucking
ring back, will you?
3035
02:30:54,177 --> 02:30:56,245
Ring back, will you?
Wow. Robert kraft bringing
3036
02:30:56,246 --> 02:30:58,313
wow. Robert kraft bringing
the heat. He wrote that, all of
3037
02:30:58,314 --> 02:31:00,481
the heat. He wrote that, all of
that himself. He wouldn't let
3038
02:31:00,482 --> 02:31:02,551
that himself. He wouldn't let
us give him anything. That's
3039
02:31:02,552 --> 02:31:06,155
us give him anything. That's
all him. That's right,
3040
02:31:06,156 --> 02:31:08,924
all him. That's right,
Vladimir. Give him the fucking
3041
02:31:08,925 --> 02:31:10,059
Vladimir. Give him the fucking
ring. I got you. Yeah, no,
3042
02:31:10,060 --> 02:31:12,761
ring. I got you. Yeah, no,
Robert, I got you. You already
3043
02:31:12,762 --> 02:31:15,397
Robert, I got you. You already
know. I fucking got you. No
3044
02:31:15,398 --> 02:31:16,332
know. I fucking got you. No
trashing Robert kraft tonight.
3045
02:31:16,333 --> 02:31:21,170
Trashing Robert kraft tonight.
Not on my watch. Not on my
3046
02:31:21,171 --> 02:31:22,839
not on my watch. Not on my
watch. Not on my watch. But
3047
02:31:22,840 --> 02:31:26,775
watch. Not on my watch. But
Robert, I do have some
3048
02:31:26,776 --> 02:31:33,215
Robert, I do have some
questions. I just... it's
3049
02:31:33,216 --> 02:31:33,783
questions. I just... it's
nothing. It's just a question.
3050
02:31:33,784 --> 02:31:36,919
Nothing. It's just a question.
You and bill are so far apart
3051
02:31:36,920 --> 02:31:37,986
you and bill are so far apart
from each other. I just feel
3052
02:31:37,987 --> 02:31:44,493
from each other. I just feel
like why don't you take a shot
3053
02:31:44,494 --> 02:31:47,596
like why don't you take a shot
together, man? Yeah. Yeah.
3054
02:31:47,597 --> 02:31:55,597
Together, man? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Robert wants to do
3055
02:31:55,737 --> 02:31:56,473
yeah. Yeah. Robert wants to do
it. Bill? Let's make the
3056
02:31:56,474 --> 02:31:58,373
it. Bill? Let's make the
uncomfortable comfortable,
3057
02:31:58,374 --> 02:32:00,109
uncomfortable comfortable,
right? Pour bill a shot. No,
3058
02:32:00,110 --> 02:32:01,677
right? Pour bill a shot. No,
gronk, gronk, that little black
3059
02:32:01,678 --> 02:32:04,346
gronk, gronk, that little black
cup, pour some of that in his
3060
02:32:04,347 --> 02:32:10,586
cup, pour some of that in his
cup. Pour it in bill's cup. In
3061
02:32:10,587 --> 02:32:11,121
cup. Pour it in bill's cup. In
bill's, goddamnit, gronk.
3062
02:32:11,122 --> 02:32:13,087
Bill's, goddamnit, gronk.
Fuck. Gronk, pour it in his cup
3063
02:32:13,088 --> 02:32:15,591
fuck. Gronk, pour it in his cup
and take a shot. I love it.
3064
02:32:15,592 --> 02:32:18,794
And take a shot. I love it.
Okay, Robert is here. Wait,
3065
02:32:18,795 --> 02:32:21,364
okay, Robert is here. Wait,
bill, don't move. Bill. Bill.
3066
02:32:21,365 --> 02:32:26,736
Bill, don't move. Bill. Bill.
This is a big moment, bill.
3067
02:32:28,805 --> 02:32:33,275
I want to say this is the
greatest coach in the history
3068
02:32:33,276 --> 02:32:36,110
greatest coach in the history
of the game that did what no
3069
02:32:36,111 --> 02:32:37,278
of the game that did what no
one else has done. And having
3070
02:32:37,279 --> 02:32:41,184
one else has done. And having
Tom Brady and him was the
3071
02:32:41,185 --> 02:32:46,823
Tom Brady and him was the
greatest honor the good lord
3072
02:32:46,824 --> 02:32:52,227
greatest honor the good lord
gave me.
3073
02:32:52,228 --> 02:32:54,029
Gave me.
Drink it. A black manmade
3074
02:32:54,030 --> 02:32:59,268
drink it. A black manmade
that happen. That's right.
3075
02:32:59,269 --> 02:33:00,802
That happen. That's right.
That's right. A black man from
3076
02:33:00,803 --> 02:33:04,907
that's right. A black man from
north Philadelphia took the
3077
02:33:04,908 --> 02:33:06,341
north Philadelphia took the
racism out of Boston, ended the
3078
02:33:06,342 --> 02:33:07,508
racism out of Boston, ended the
beef. This is a beef. By the
3079
02:33:07,509 --> 02:33:09,411
beef. This is a beef. By the
way this beef is bigger than
3080
02:33:09,412 --> 02:33:11,113
way this beef is bigger than
Drake and Kendrick. It's that
3081
02:33:11,114 --> 02:33:12,748
Drake and Kendrick. It's that
big. Holy shit. I can't
3082
02:33:12,749 --> 02:33:14,016
big. Holy shit. I can't
believe they actually did it.
3083
02:33:14,017 --> 02:33:15,517
Believe they actually did it.
Good shit, bill. Robert, good
3084
02:33:15,518 --> 02:33:17,252
good shit, bill. Robert, good
shit. By the way, remind Robert
3085
02:33:17,253 --> 02:33:18,887
shit. By the way, remind Robert
where he is. He may not
3086
02:33:18,888 --> 02:33:19,720
where he is. He may not
remember in a second. So when
3087
02:33:19,721 --> 02:33:21,390
remember in a second. So when
he gets to that seat, tell him
3088
02:33:21,391 --> 02:33:23,659
he gets to that seat, tell him
what he did because that's my
3089
02:33:23,660 --> 02:33:26,428
what he did because that's my
friend. He needs to know. I
3090
02:33:26,429 --> 02:33:28,564
friend. He needs to know. I
love you. I love you, Rob. All
3091
02:33:28,565 --> 02:33:30,566
love you. I love you, Rob. All
right, guys, listen, we have a
3092
02:33:30,567 --> 02:33:31,934
right, guys, listen, we have a
very special guest here
3093
02:33:31,935 --> 02:33:33,001
very special guest here
tonight, right? This guest is a
3094
02:33:33,002 --> 02:33:34,070
tonight, right? This guest is a
great friend of mine. One of
3095
02:33:34,071 --> 02:33:39,708
great friend of mine. One of
the most famous guys from
3096
02:33:39,709 --> 02:33:40,709
the most famous guys from
Boston. Seriously. One of the
3097
02:33:40,710 --> 02:33:41,944
Boston. Seriously. One of the
most. I would say, I would say
3098
02:33:41,945 --> 02:33:43,845
most. I would say, I would say
there is only about two or
3099
02:33:43,846 --> 02:33:46,682
there is only about two or
three, but this guy here in my
3100
02:33:46,683 --> 02:33:50,485
three, but this guy here in my
opinion is the one. Please show
3101
02:33:50,486 --> 02:33:54,023
opinion is the one. Please show
some love to Ben Affleck.
3102
02:34:08,237 --> 02:34:16,011
Got here just in time, I
see. Tom, I got to say, how are
3103
02:34:16,012 --> 02:34:23,785
see. Tom, I got to say, how are
you doing? How are ya? This is
3104
02:34:23,786 --> 02:34:26,723
you doing? How are ya? This is
pretty fucking ballsy. Is life
3105
02:34:26,724 --> 02:34:29,358
pretty fucking ballsy. Is life
too fucking good? You're like
3106
02:34:29,359 --> 02:34:30,726
too fucking good? You're like
they've kicked my ass for
3107
02:34:30,727 --> 02:34:34,029
they've kicked my ass for
three hours. I've got to tell
3108
02:34:34,030 --> 02:34:35,998
three hours. I've got to tell
you, this settles it. You
3109
02:34:35,999 --> 02:34:37,866
you, this settles it. You
won't find me volunteering for
3110
02:34:37,867 --> 02:34:41,436
won't find me volunteering for
the Ben Affleck roast. As I
3111
02:34:41,437 --> 02:34:43,272
the Ben Affleck roast. As I
like to call it, Thursday. Any
3112
02:34:43,273 --> 02:34:46,675
like to call it, Thursday. Any
way hi, you may know me as an
3113
02:34:46,676 --> 02:34:48,610
way hi, you may know me as an
extra from Tom's dunkin' boy
3114
02:34:48,611 --> 02:34:52,848
extra from Tom's dunkin' boy
band super bowl commercial. In
3115
02:34:52,849 --> 02:34:54,249
band super bowl commercial. In
fact it was during that shoot
3116
02:34:54,250 --> 02:34:56,584
fact it was during that shoot
that Tom asked me to look at
3117
02:34:56,585 --> 02:34:57,653
that Tom asked me to look at
his social media accounts for
3118
02:34:57,654 --> 02:34:58,954
his social media accounts for
him. I guess for some reason he
3119
02:34:58,955 --> 02:35:01,290
him. I guess for some reason he
thinks I get a lot of online
3120
02:35:01,291 --> 02:35:02,724
thinks I get a lot of online
criticism. I do. But I took a
3121
02:35:02,725 --> 02:35:03,925
criticism. I do. But I took a
look at it. I've got to tell
3122
02:35:03,926 --> 02:35:05,560
look at it. I've got to tell
you, I didn't even last two
3123
02:35:05,561 --> 02:35:09,164
you, I didn't even last two
fucking hours. It was the most
3124
02:35:09,165 --> 02:35:13,402
fucking hours. It was the most
toxic thing I have ever
3125
02:35:13,403 --> 02:35:14,770
toxic thing I have ever
experienced. And that is saying
3126
02:35:14,771 --> 02:35:16,038
experienced. And that is saying
something. For instance here is
3127
02:35:16,039 --> 02:35:18,807
something. For instance here is
one line that I remember from
3128
02:35:18,808 --> 02:35:23,444
one line that I remember from
tall boy Henry bill... there is
3129
02:35:23,445 --> 02:35:25,681
tall boy Henry bill... there is
a lot of l's. Brady was just a
3130
02:35:25,682 --> 02:35:27,282
a lot of l's. Brady was just a
quarterback with no arm
3131
02:35:27,283 --> 02:35:29,116
quarterback with no arm
strength, a whiny pussy with a
3132
02:35:29,117 --> 02:35:31,787
strength, a whiny pussy with a
lot of protections from the
3133
02:35:31,788 --> 02:35:33,587
lot of protections from the
refs. He sucks, fuck you, fuck,
3134
02:35:33,588 --> 02:35:34,290
refs. He sucks, fuck you, fuck,
you Tom Brady. Thanks tall boy,
3135
02:35:34,291 --> 02:35:37,826
you Tom Brady. Thanks tall boy,
Henry. That's the kind of
3136
02:35:37,827 --> 02:35:40,028
Henry. That's the kind of
stuff that Tom gets all day
3137
02:35:40,029 --> 02:35:41,162
stuff that Tom gets all day
long. You know, meanwhile Tom
3138
02:35:41,163 --> 02:35:43,165
long. You know, meanwhile Tom
and all these guys up here,
3139
02:35:43,166 --> 02:35:44,000
and all these guys up here,
you've heard them say they
3140
02:35:44,000 --> 02:35:44,832
you've heard them say they
don't say anything because it
3141
02:35:44,833 --> 02:35:46,134
don't say anything because it
is always about oh no, you
3142
02:35:46,135 --> 02:35:48,337
is always about oh no, you
know, it is all about the fans.
3143
02:35:48,338 --> 02:35:50,772
Know, it is all about the fans.
You know, we couldn't do it
3144
02:35:50,773 --> 02:35:53,374
you know, we couldn't do it
without the fans. Let me let
3145
02:35:53,375 --> 02:35:55,609
without the fans. Let me let
you know about a little secret,
3146
02:35:55,610 --> 02:35:57,412
you know about a little secret,
Tom can do it without you. He
3147
02:35:57,413 --> 02:36:01,616
Tom can do it without you. He
really can. They're talking
3148
02:36:01,617 --> 02:36:04,052
really can. They're talking
shit behind your fucking aol
3149
02:36:04,053 --> 02:36:05,387
shit behind your fucking aol
account and suburban buffalo
3150
02:36:05,388 --> 02:36:06,888
account and suburban buffalo
about the guy's arm strength
3151
02:36:06,889 --> 02:36:08,789
about the guy's arm strength
being his fucking systems guy.
3152
02:36:08,790 --> 02:36:11,392
Being his fucking systems guy.
Tom was the system, okay? He
3153
02:36:11,393 --> 02:36:12,961
Tom was the system, okay? He
has seven rings. You took seven
3154
02:36:12,962 --> 02:36:17,899
has seven rings. You took seven
years to get your ged. I mean
3155
02:36:17,900 --> 02:36:22,304
years to get your ged. I mean
arm strength. This is the NFL.
3156
02:36:22,305 --> 02:36:23,472
Arm strength. This is the NFL.
You'll be in the fucking
3157
02:36:23,473 --> 02:36:24,705
you'll be in the fucking
hospital if you will step on
3158
02:36:24,706 --> 02:36:29,009
hospital if you will step on
the field for one play. I mean,
3159
02:36:29,010 --> 02:36:31,279
the field for one play. I mean,
you know, you guys, look, fans
3160
02:36:31,280 --> 02:36:32,581
you know, you guys, look, fans
fucking have your back, right?
3161
02:36:32,582 --> 02:36:34,049
Fucking have your back, right?
They buy tickets, they show up.
3162
02:36:34,050 --> 02:36:36,652
They buy tickets, they show up.
Win or fucking lose, they
3163
02:36:36,653 --> 02:36:40,789
win or fucking lose, they
support you. I know. I went to
3164
02:36:40,790 --> 02:36:43,157
support you. I know. I went to
foxborough where Steve grogen
3165
02:36:43,158 --> 02:36:44,259
foxborough where Steve grogen
was the founding quarterback.
3166
02:36:44,260 --> 02:36:46,128
Was the founding quarterback.
Yeah. Like you sitting there
3167
02:36:46,129 --> 02:36:47,229
yeah. Like you sitting there
fucking hiding behind your
3168
02:36:47,230 --> 02:36:48,697
fucking hiding behind your
keyboard, spewing out all this
3169
02:36:48,698 --> 02:36:50,132
keyboard, spewing out all this
fucking toxic shit about people
3170
02:36:50,133 --> 02:36:51,100
fucking toxic shit about people
you'll be afraid to come up to
3171
02:36:51,101 --> 02:36:53,034
you'll be afraid to come up to
it if you saw them at the car
3172
02:36:53,035 --> 02:36:54,803
it if you saw them at the car
wash. You know, people went out
3173
02:36:54,804 --> 02:36:57,506
wash. You know, people went out
there and did something who
3174
02:36:57,507 --> 02:36:58,974
there and did something who
were successful or even if
3175
02:36:58,975 --> 02:37:00,342
were successful or even if
another player ended up
3176
02:37:00,343 --> 02:37:02,343
another player ended up
catching the fucking football
3177
02:37:02,344 --> 02:37:04,479
catching the fucking football
in his helmet. Maybe they
3178
02:37:04,480 --> 02:37:06,415
in his helmet. Maybe they
failed. But fans have your
3179
02:37:06,416 --> 02:37:08,350
failed. But fans have your
back, okay? You guys out there,
3180
02:37:08,351 --> 02:37:10,185
back, okay? You guys out there,
talking shit, all right, behind
3181
02:37:10,186 --> 02:37:10,853
talking shit, all right, behind
your fucking keyboard. That
3182
02:37:10,854 --> 02:37:18,760
your fucking keyboard. That
doesn't make you a fan. That
3183
02:37:18,761 --> 02:37:22,631
doesn't make you a fan. That
makes you a bitch. Look, Tom
3184
02:37:22,632 --> 02:37:24,965
makes you a bitch. Look, Tom
started his career as arguably
3185
02:37:24,966 --> 02:37:26,134
started his career as arguably
the slowest least physically
3186
02:37:26,135 --> 02:37:26,903
the slowest least physically
impressive non-kicker to ever
3187
02:37:26,904 --> 02:37:33,041
impressive non-kicker to ever
put on an NFL uniform including
3188
02:37:33,042 --> 02:37:34,041
put on an NFL uniform including
massage therapist. I mean look
3189
02:37:34,042 --> 02:37:35,410
massage therapist. I mean look
at the fucking guy. You know
3190
02:37:35,411 --> 02:37:37,712
at the fucking guy. You know
what I mean? He went to the pro
3191
02:37:37,713 --> 02:37:39,314
what I mean? He went to the pro
bowl. He started his career
3192
02:37:39,315 --> 02:37:41,516
bowl. He started his career
with the physique of a
3193
02:37:41,517 --> 02:37:43,218
with the physique of a
professional bowler with a
3194
02:37:43,219 --> 02:37:46,154
professional bowler with a
smaller right arm. Overcame all
3195
02:37:46,155 --> 02:37:47,556
smaller right arm. Overcame all
that to become the goat. You
3196
02:37:47,557 --> 02:37:48,524
that to become the goat. You
didn't overcome a modest
3197
02:37:48,525 --> 02:37:51,359
didn't overcome a modest
fucking flight of stairs
3198
02:37:51,360 --> 02:37:54,029
fucking flight of stairs
without your rescue inhaler.
3199
02:37:54,030 --> 02:37:58,133
Without your rescue inhaler.
Fuck you, tall boy. You suck. A
3200
02:37:58,134 --> 02:37:59,668
fuck you, tall boy. You suck. A
bunch of football experts
3201
02:37:59,669 --> 02:38:01,002
bunch of football experts
living. I appreciate it. And
3202
02:38:01,003 --> 02:38:02,337
living. I appreciate it. And
living on their aunt's couch,
3203
02:38:02,338 --> 02:38:04,306
living on their aunt's couch,
saying like oh, Tom, you know,
3204
02:38:04,307 --> 02:38:07,008
saying like oh, Tom, you know,
you should have thrown to the
3205
02:38:07,009 --> 02:38:07,743
you should have thrown to the
slant receiver against the
3206
02:38:07,744 --> 02:38:09,244
slant receiver against the
dolphins. Or Tom, you should
3207
02:38:09,245 --> 02:38:10,312
dolphins. Or Tom, you should
have seen the fucking
3208
02:38:10,313 --> 02:38:11,247
have seen the fucking
quarterback when you threw that
3209
02:38:11,248 --> 02:38:14,950
quarterback when you threw that
pick six in the super bowl
3210
02:38:14,951 --> 02:38:15,785
pick six in the super bowl
against Atlanta. Actually that
3211
02:38:15,786 --> 02:38:22,524
against Atlanta. Actually that
was terrible. There's no excuse
3212
02:38:22,525 --> 02:38:24,960
was terrible. There's no excuse
for that. I don't even know
3213
02:38:24,961 --> 02:38:26,361
for that. I don't even know
what to say. But look,
3214
02:38:26,362 --> 02:38:27,796
what to say. But look,
essentially fans, I get it.
3215
02:38:27,797 --> 02:38:29,130
Essentially fans, I get it.
They pay the salaries. But
3216
02:38:29,131 --> 02:38:32,634
they pay the salaries. But
could you imagine, just try to
3217
02:38:32,635 --> 02:38:36,204
could you imagine, just try to
think of a less rewarding, more
3218
02:38:36,205 --> 02:38:36,806
think of a less rewarding, more
agonizing professional
3219
02:38:36,806 --> 02:38:37,340
agonizing professional
experience that effectively
3220
02:38:37,341 --> 02:38:38,874
experience that effectively
working for somebody, you go
3221
02:38:38,875 --> 02:38:41,343
working for somebody, you go
out and fucking kill it,
3222
02:38:41,344 --> 02:38:43,645
out and fucking kill it,
succeed every day to the degree
3223
02:38:43,646 --> 02:38:44,646
succeed every day to the degree
that that fucking level, and
3224
02:38:44,647 --> 02:38:46,281
that that fucking level, and
then you need to go online and
3225
02:38:46,282 --> 02:38:48,215
then you need to go online and
read that shit. I can't think
3226
02:38:48,216 --> 02:38:51,153
read that shit. I can't think
of a more fucked up
3227
02:38:51,154 --> 02:38:52,654
of a more fucked up
dysfunctional horrible working
3228
02:38:52,655 --> 02:38:53,723
dysfunctional horrible working
system designed to perpetually
3229
02:38:53,724 --> 02:38:56,525
system designed to perpetually
make people feel awful. You
3230
02:38:56,526 --> 02:38:57,527
make people feel awful. You
know what I mean? It's all
3231
02:38:57,528 --> 02:38:59,261
know what I mean? It's all
that much of a fucking
3232
02:38:59,262 --> 02:39:00,129
that much of a fucking
miserable prick and you can't
3233
02:39:00,130 --> 02:39:05,934
miserable prick and you can't
do anything. I didn't know, I
3234
02:39:05,935 --> 02:39:07,102
do anything. I didn't know, I
didn't know you were going to
3235
02:39:07,103 --> 02:39:14,676
didn't know you were going to
be here, bill. I actually can
3236
02:39:14,677 --> 02:39:17,177
be here, bill. I actually can
think of one. That was my bit,
3237
02:39:17,178 --> 02:39:17,847
think of one. That was my bit,
but actually I'm not going to
3238
02:39:17,847 --> 02:39:18,412
but actually I'm not going to... I don't
3239
02:39:18,413 --> 02:39:19,915
but actually I'm not
going to... I don't think I will
3240
02:39:19,916 --> 02:39:19,980
but actually I'm not going
to... I don't think I will ever
3241
02:39:19,981 --> 02:39:26,054
I don't think I will ever
have this chance again. Bill.
3242
02:39:26,055 --> 02:39:27,355
Have this chance again. Bill.
What's up? I'm probably never
3243
02:39:27,356 --> 02:39:28,923
what's up? I'm probably never
going to work again after being
3244
02:39:28,924 --> 02:39:30,525
going to work again after being
a part of this after tonight.
3245
02:39:30,526 --> 02:39:33,128
A part of this after tonight.
But I've got a question. Yes.
3246
02:39:33,129 --> 02:39:34,930
But I've got a question. Yes.
That's the thing. You blow the
3247
02:39:34,931 --> 02:39:36,498
that's the thing. You blow the
whistle. You have that look on
3248
02:39:36,499 --> 02:39:37,498
whistle. You have that look on
your face like everyone works
3249
02:39:37,499 --> 02:39:40,501
your face like everyone works
for you. You know what I mean?
3250
02:39:40,502 --> 02:39:42,938
For you. You know what I mean?
I got season tickets, you work
3251
02:39:42,939 --> 02:39:45,973
I got season tickets, you work
for me mother fucker. I want to
3252
02:39:45,974 --> 02:39:47,741
for me mother fucker. I want to
ask you a question, okay. It's
3253
02:39:47,742 --> 02:39:50,211
ask you a question, okay. It's
not about Malcolm Butler.
3254
02:39:50,212 --> 02:39:52,414
Not about Malcolm Butler.
There's no answer to that
3255
02:39:52,415 --> 02:39:53,949
there's no answer to that
question. I get it. I know, I
3256
02:39:53,950 --> 02:39:56,550
question. I get it. I know, I
watched the press conferences,
3257
02:39:56,551 --> 02:39:58,420
watched the press conferences,
you know, you're not a talker,
3258
02:39:58,421 --> 02:40:00,288
you know, you're not a talker,
no chitchat, no comment, moving
3259
02:40:00,289 --> 02:40:03,157
no chitchat, no comment, moving
on to Cincinnati. I don't know
3260
02:40:03,158 --> 02:40:05,961
on to Cincinnati. I don't know
how you get away with that,
3261
02:40:05,962 --> 02:40:06,862
how you get away with that,
honestly. Look, in my business,
3262
02:40:06,863 --> 02:40:08,063
honestly. Look, in my business,
even if you make justice
3263
02:40:08,064 --> 02:40:11,532
even if you make justice
league, you don't think I want
3264
02:40:11,533 --> 02:40:13,300
league, you don't think I want
to move on to Cincinnati? Oh,
3265
02:40:13,301 --> 02:40:14,203
to move on to Cincinnati? Oh,
the global press tour, and
3266
02:40:14,204 --> 02:40:16,137
the global press tour, and
they're like get out there and
3267
02:40:16,138 --> 02:40:17,440
they're like get out there and
talk to the cameras, champ. I
3268
02:40:17,441 --> 02:40:19,908
talk to the cameras, champ. I
want to move on to Cincinnati.
3269
02:40:19,909 --> 02:40:25,647
Want to move on to Cincinnati.
No. It doesn't matter if they
3270
02:40:25,648 --> 02:40:27,849
no. It doesn't matter if they
make memes out of you, talk.
3271
02:40:27,850 --> 02:40:30,385
Make memes out of you, talk.
Any way I just... I just have
3272
02:40:30,386 --> 02:40:32,721
any way I just... I just have
this question, and I guess, you
3273
02:40:32,722 --> 02:40:35,222
this question, and I guess, you
know, I think I'd like to get
3274
02:40:35,223 --> 02:40:36,158
know, I think I'd like to get
an answer. It's pretty simple,
3275
02:40:36,159 --> 02:40:39,027
an answer. It's pretty simple,
you know, we're not going to
3276
02:40:39,028 --> 02:40:41,263
you know, we're not going to
move on. I've got nowhere to
3277
02:40:41,264 --> 02:40:44,165
move on. I've got nowhere to
go, you know? I just want to
3278
02:40:44,166 --> 02:40:45,867
go, you know? I just want to
know, what the fuck does a guy
3279
02:40:45,868 --> 02:40:50,405
know, what the fuck does a guy
have to do to make bill
3280
02:40:50,406 --> 02:40:51,739
have to do to make bill
belichick happy? How about just
3281
02:40:51,740 --> 02:40:53,240
belichick happy? How about just
to see some teeth? You've got
3282
02:40:53,241 --> 02:40:55,243
to see some teeth? You've got
to cure cancer? And they're
3283
02:40:55,244 --> 02:40:58,079
to cure cancer? And they're
watching the super bowl, Tom.
3284
02:40:58,080 --> 02:40:59,514
Watching the super bowl, Tom.
Those are touchdown passes. Win
3285
02:40:59,515 --> 02:41:02,049
those are touchdown passes. Win
again, and bill is looking at
3286
02:41:02,050 --> 02:41:07,822
again, and bill is looking at
him like, you know, fucking Tom
3287
02:41:07,823 --> 02:41:10,659
him like, you know, fucking Tom
shitting his cheerios. That was
3288
02:41:10,660 --> 02:41:13,128
shitting his cheerios. That was
the look on your face. Do you
3289
02:41:13,129 --> 02:41:16,065
the look on your face. Do you
know what the look on my face
3290
02:41:16,066 --> 02:41:18,901
know what the look on my face
would be if I were a football
3291
02:41:18,902 --> 02:41:24,439
would be if I were a football
coach and Tom Brady was my
3292
02:41:24,440 --> 02:41:24,638
coach and Tom Brady was my
quarterback? [ Laughter
3293
02:41:24,639 --> 02:41:26,159
coach and Tom Brady was my
quarterback?
3294
02:41:28,077 --> 02:41:30,980
Thank you very much.
3295
02:41:40,689 --> 02:41:45,428
Another piece of white boy
humor.
3296
02:41:47,396 --> 02:41:52,400
This is the first time I
ever wished Netflix had
3297
02:41:52,401 --> 02:41:52,802
ever wished Netflix had
commercials.
3298
02:41:52,803 --> 02:41:54,469
Commercials.
All right, guys, we are
3299
02:41:54,470 --> 02:41:56,037
all right, guys, we are
fucking rearing the end of the
3300
02:41:56,038 --> 02:41:57,672
fucking rearing the end of the
show. By the way at the end, it
3301
02:41:57,673 --> 02:41:58,474
show. By the way at the end, it
just gets better because this
3302
02:41:58,475 --> 02:42:01,109
just gets better because this
is a moment we have all been
3303
02:42:01,110 --> 02:42:02,343
is a moment we have all been
waiting for. It's the main
3304
02:42:02,344 --> 02:42:05,046
waiting for. It's the main
event. By the main event, I do
3305
02:42:05,047 --> 02:42:05,681
event. By the main event, I do
mean main event. So do me a
3306
02:42:05,681 --> 02:42:06,649
mean main event. So do me a
favor and get on your feet for
3307
02:42:06,650 --> 02:42:08,316
favor and get on your feet for
the moment that we have all
3308
02:42:08,317 --> 02:42:11,485
the moment that we have all
been waiting for. The man of
3309
02:42:11,486 --> 02:42:13,988
been waiting for. The man of
the hour. That's right, the
3310
02:42:13,989 --> 02:42:16,691
the hour. That's right, the
fucking legend. And when we
3311
02:42:16,692 --> 02:42:20,095
fucking legend. And when we
talk about goddamn legends,
3312
02:42:20,096 --> 02:42:20,730
talk about goddamn legends,
I'm talking about Peyton
3313
02:42:20,731 --> 02:42:23,666
I'm talking about Peyton
Manning!
3314
02:42:48,757 --> 02:42:54,161
Thank you very much. Thank
you, Kevin. When Kevin reached
3315
02:42:54,162 --> 02:42:55,730
you, Kevin. When Kevin reached
out to me about roasting Tom,
3316
02:42:55,731 --> 02:42:57,766
out to me about roasting Tom,
he told me he wanted me to be a
3317
02:42:57,767 --> 02:42:58,967
he told me he wanted me to be a
surprise at the end of the
3318
02:42:58,968 --> 02:43:02,570
surprise at the end of the
night. And he also told me how
3319
02:43:02,571 --> 02:43:03,738
night. And he also told me how
desperate Netflix was for
3320
02:43:03,739 --> 02:43:04,507
desperate Netflix was for
downloads. They said Peyton,
3321
02:43:04,508 --> 02:43:06,941
downloads. They said Peyton,
you've got to help us out.
3322
02:43:06,942 --> 02:43:08,276
You've got to help us out.
Aaron Rodgers can't make it
3323
02:43:08,277 --> 02:43:11,445
Aaron Rodgers can't make it
anymore. No one really knows
3324
02:43:11,446 --> 02:43:15,450
anymore. No one really knows
who Julian edelman is. And
3325
02:43:15,451 --> 02:43:16,817
who Julian edelman is. And
gronkowski probably can't read
3326
02:43:16,818 --> 02:43:20,420
gronkowski probably can't read
a teleprompter. How great is
3327
02:43:20,421 --> 02:43:22,390
a teleprompter. How great is
Rob gronkowski? When I think of
3328
02:43:22,391 --> 02:43:25,526
Rob gronkowski? When I think of
gronk... when I think of gronk,
3329
02:43:25,527 --> 02:43:26,328
gronk... when I think of gronk,
I really think of firsts. He's
3330
02:43:26,329 --> 02:43:29,264
I really think of firsts. He's
the first tight end to lead the
3331
02:43:29,265 --> 02:43:31,766
the first tight end to lead the
NFL in receiving touchdowns.
3332
02:43:31,767 --> 02:43:35,236
NFL in receiving touchdowns.
He's going to be a
3333
02:43:35,237 --> 02:43:35,704
he's going to be a
first-ballot hall of famer. And
3334
02:43:35,705 --> 02:43:42,076
first-ballot hall of famer. And
by the looks of him, his
3335
02:43:42,077 --> 02:43:43,545
by the looks of him, his
parents were first cousins. It
3336
02:43:43,546 --> 02:43:47,348
parents were first cousins. It
is great to see the greatest
3337
02:43:47,349 --> 02:43:52,754
is great to see the greatest
coach in NFL history, coach
3338
02:43:52,755 --> 02:43:54,022
coach in NFL history, coach
bill belichick here. For those
3339
02:43:54,023 --> 02:43:55,123
bill belichick here. For those
that don't know, coach is
3340
02:43:55,124 --> 02:43:56,991
that don't know, coach is
doing some work on Monday night
3341
02:43:56,992 --> 02:43:57,793
doing some work on Monday night
football show this year. I've
3342
02:43:57,794 --> 02:44:00,594
football show this year. I've
got to tell you, it's going to
3343
02:44:00,595 --> 02:44:03,264
got to tell you, it's going to
be awesome. Eli and I are super
3344
02:44:03,265 --> 02:44:04,332
be awesome. Eli and I are super
excited, and it's going to
3345
02:44:04,333 --> 02:44:05,201
excited, and it's going to
give coach belichick something
3346
02:44:05,202 --> 02:44:06,935
give coach belichick something
he hasn't had in a while. A
3347
02:44:06,936 --> 02:44:12,740
he hasn't had in a while. A
chance to be around
3348
02:44:12,741 --> 02:44:20,381
chance to be around
quarterbacks that he respects.
3349
02:44:20,382 --> 02:44:22,482
Quarterbacks that he respects.
Honestly it is great to be with
3350
02:44:22,483 --> 02:44:24,219
honestly it is great to be with
a bunch of people sitting
3351
02:44:24,220 --> 02:44:25,253
a bunch of people sitting
around, talking smack about Tom
3352
02:44:25,254 --> 02:44:32,260
around, talking smack about Tom
Brady or as we call that in the
3353
02:44:32,261 --> 02:44:33,595
Brady or as we call that in the
Manning family, Thanksgiving.
3354
02:44:33,596 --> 02:44:35,363
Manning family, Thanksgiving.
True story after spending
3355
02:44:35,364 --> 02:44:36,265
true story after spending
several Thanksgiving with my
3356
02:44:36,265 --> 02:44:37,166
several Thanksgiving with my
participants, my kids now
3357
02:44:37,167 --> 02:44:39,167
participants, my kids now
excuse themselves to use the
3358
02:44:39,168 --> 02:44:44,539
excuse themselves to use the
bathroom by saying I have to go
3359
02:44:44,540 --> 02:44:47,942
bathroom by saying I have to go
take a Brady. In all
3360
02:44:47,943 --> 02:44:49,310
take a Brady. In all
seriousness, let me tell you
3361
02:44:49,311 --> 02:44:51,311
seriousness, let me tell you
about Tom Brady, the man. Tom
3362
02:44:51,312 --> 02:44:53,547
about Tom Brady, the man. Tom
is making a donation to every
3363
02:44:53,548 --> 02:44:55,316
is making a donation to every
one of his former teammates
3364
02:44:55,317 --> 02:44:56,651
one of his former teammates
charities that came here
3365
02:44:56,652 --> 02:45:00,688
charities that came here
tonight. I've got to tell you,
3366
02:45:00,689 --> 02:45:05,059
tonight. I've got to tell you,
Tom, that is first class. Hey
3367
02:45:05,060 --> 02:45:06,094
Tom, that is first class. Hey
fellas, don't let him pay you
3368
02:45:06,095 --> 02:45:10,832
fellas, don't let him pay you
in crypto. Tom, even though we
3369
02:45:10,833 --> 02:45:11,634
in crypto. Tom, even though we
were bitter rivals, we've
3370
02:45:11,635 --> 02:45:13,701
were bitter rivals, we've
become really good friends. I
3371
02:45:13,702 --> 02:45:14,702
become really good friends. I
appreciate our friendship.
3372
02:45:14,703 --> 02:45:16,905
Appreciate our friendship.
Although Tom and I are still
3373
02:45:16,906 --> 02:45:17,471
although Tom and I are still
very different. Like my idea of
3374
02:45:17,472 --> 02:45:19,439
very different. Like my idea of
a fun Saturday night is going
3375
02:45:19,440 --> 02:45:22,377
a fun Saturday night is going
to a local bar with my friends,
3376
02:45:22,378 --> 02:45:23,045
to a local bar with my friends,
shooting a little pool. While
3377
02:45:23,046 --> 02:45:24,178
shooting a little pool. While
Tom's idea of a fun Saturday
3378
02:45:24,179 --> 02:45:26,581
Tom's idea of a fun Saturday
night is going to the met gala
3379
02:45:26,582 --> 02:45:34,582
night is going to the met gala
dressed as the most fabulous
3380
02:45:34,890 --> 02:45:41,062
dressed as the most fabulous
general on the death star. My
3381
02:45:41,063 --> 02:45:42,931
general on the death star. My
idea of dinner is applebee's.
3382
02:45:42,932 --> 02:45:46,868
Idea of dinner is applebee's.
Tom's idea of dinner is eating
3383
02:45:46,869 --> 02:45:48,702
Tom's idea of dinner is eating
apples and bees. Of course, we
3384
02:45:48,703 --> 02:45:50,471
apples and bees. Of course, we
all know Tom has five more
3385
02:45:50,472 --> 02:45:54,075
all know Tom has five more
super bowl rings than I do. He
3386
02:45:54,076 --> 02:45:55,977
super bowl rings than I do. He
also has more touchdowns. He
3387
02:45:55,978 --> 02:45:58,914
also has more touchdowns. He
also has more touchdowns than I
3388
02:45:58,915 --> 02:46:05,687
also has more touchdowns than I
do, more passing yards, more
3389
02:46:05,688 --> 02:46:07,222
do, more passing yards, more
retirements, more fake hair.
3390
02:46:07,223 --> 02:46:10,023
Retirements, more fake hair.
More tb12 bankruptcies. That is
3391
02:46:10,024 --> 02:46:12,327
more tb12 bankruptcies. That is
all true, okay. But I remember
3392
02:46:12,328 --> 02:46:14,696
all true, okay. But I remember
once Tom told me Peyton,
3393
02:46:14,697 --> 02:46:15,996
once Tom told me Peyton,
numbers don't matter. Sure, it
3394
02:46:15,997 --> 02:46:16,832
numbers don't matter. Sure, it
was right before he deleted
3395
02:46:16,833 --> 02:46:18,666
was right before he deleted
every number in his phone
3396
02:46:18,667 --> 02:46:21,035
every number in his phone
because NFL investigators were
3397
02:46:21,036 --> 02:46:22,737
because NFL investigators were
about to kick down his door.
3398
02:46:22,738 --> 02:46:25,306
About to kick down his door.
But was still nice of him to
3399
02:46:25,307 --> 02:46:27,041
but was still nice of him to
say. One thing that Tom and I
3400
02:46:27,042 --> 02:46:28,176
say. One thing that Tom and I
definitely have in common
3401
02:46:28,177 --> 02:46:30,478
definitely have in common
though is our love of the game
3402
02:46:30,479 --> 02:46:32,847
though is our love of the game
of golf. And hey listen, not to
3403
02:46:32,848 --> 02:46:34,983
of golf. And hey listen, not to
brag, we're both pretty good
3404
02:46:34,984 --> 02:46:37,018
brag, we're both pretty good
players. My handicap is a 6.4,
3405
02:46:37,019 --> 02:46:37,920
players. My handicap is a 6.4,
while Tom's handicap is
3406
02:46:37,921 --> 02:46:43,992
while Tom's handicap is
blowing leads in the super bowl
3407
02:46:43,993 --> 02:46:47,762
blowing leads in the super bowl
to my brother, Eli. But look, I
3408
02:46:47,763 --> 02:46:50,697
to my brother, Eli. But look, I
want nothing, but the best for
3409
02:46:50,698 --> 02:46:52,166
want nothing, but the best for
my friend, Tom Brady. Now that
3410
02:46:52,167 --> 02:46:53,368
my friend, Tom Brady. Now that
we're both in broadcasting,
3411
02:46:53,369 --> 02:46:54,869
we're both in broadcasting,
some people think it's a
3412
02:46:54,870 --> 02:46:55,869
some people think it's a
rivalry again, that I want to
3413
02:46:55,870 --> 02:46:57,971
rivalry again, that I want to
see Tom fail. That I want to
3414
02:46:57,972 --> 02:47:01,376
see Tom fail. That I want to
see him embarrass himself and
3415
02:47:01,377 --> 02:47:05,113
see him embarrass himself and
get fired. That is absolutely
3416
02:47:05,114 --> 02:47:06,748
get fired. That is absolutely
ridiculous. It's coach
3417
02:47:06,749 --> 02:47:07,915
ridiculous. It's coach
belichick who wants that.
3418
02:47:07,916 --> 02:47:08,817
Belichick who wants that.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is
3419
02:47:08,818 --> 02:47:13,021
ladies and gentlemen, it is
almost time for the guest of
3420
02:47:13,022 --> 02:47:14,389
almost time for the guest of
honor to defend himself. The
3421
02:47:14,390 --> 02:47:15,757
honor to defend himself. The
last time, the last time Tom
3422
02:47:15,758 --> 02:47:17,593
last time, the last time Tom
Brady had to wait this long to
3423
02:47:17,594 --> 02:47:21,029
Brady had to wait this long to
get on stage, it was the 2000
3424
02:47:21,030 --> 02:47:25,401
get on stage, it was the 2000
NFL draft.
3425
02:47:28,404 --> 02:47:34,676
He is a three-time super bowl
loser. Please welcome Tom
3426
02:47:34,677 --> 02:47:35,917
loser. Please welcome Tom
Brady!
3427
02:47:36,745 --> 02:47:37,745
[ Music
3428
02:48:07,075 --> 02:48:09,845
Thank you.
3429
02:48:12,548 --> 02:48:18,986
Awe, thank you. Thank you. I've
had a lot of Tequila. I've been
3430
02:48:18,987 --> 02:48:20,921
had a lot of Tequila. I've been
up here for two hours listening
3431
02:48:20,922 --> 02:48:23,191
up here for two hours listening
to a bunch of shitty jokes.
3432
02:48:23,192 --> 02:48:24,459
To a bunch of shitty jokes.
Where the fuck did Peyton just
3433
02:48:24,460 --> 02:48:28,529
where the fuck did Peyton just
walk off the stage? Peyton,
3434
02:48:28,530 --> 02:48:30,697
walk off the stage? Peyton,
thank you so much for coming
3435
02:48:30,698 --> 02:48:33,134
thank you so much for coming
out to L.A. to do this. I know
3436
02:48:33,135 --> 02:48:34,968
out to L.A. to do this. I know
sometimes you live in Denver
3437
02:48:34,969 --> 02:48:36,938
sometimes you live in Denver
and sometimes you live in
3438
02:48:36,939 --> 02:48:40,308
and sometimes you live in
Louisiana, but you'll always
3439
02:48:40,309 --> 02:48:46,181
Louisiana, but you'll always
live in my shadow.
3440
02:48:51,119 --> 02:48:53,587
When I heard there was a slow
white bronco heading down the
3441
02:48:53,588 --> 02:48:55,990
white bronco heading down the
405 to come here tonight, I
3442
02:48:55,991 --> 02:49:01,929
405 to come here tonight, I
thought we might actually see a
3443
02:49:01,930 --> 02:49:06,400
thought we might actually see a
real football legend. Peyton
3444
02:49:06,401 --> 02:49:10,104
real football legend. Peyton
and I, we go way back. When we
3445
02:49:10,105 --> 02:49:13,773
and I, we go way back. When we
started playing, Brett favre
3446
02:49:13,774 --> 02:49:17,279
started playing, Brett favre
was still faxing his dick pics.
3447
02:49:17,280 --> 02:49:23,650
Was still faxing his dick pics.
And Antonio kamardi only had
3448
02:49:23,651 --> 02:49:26,653
and Antonio kamardi only had
one kid. Well, folks, here we
3449
02:49:26,654 --> 02:49:29,857
one kid. Well, folks, here we
are once again, a packed arena,
3450
02:49:29,858 --> 02:49:36,797
are once again, a packed arena,
five minutes on the clock.
3451
02:49:36,798 --> 02:49:40,400
Five minutes on the clock.
Everything on the line. We need
3452
02:49:40,401 --> 02:49:42,336
everything on the line. We need
a hero. Someone to come from
3453
02:49:42,337 --> 02:49:43,638
a hero. Someone to come from
behind and pull this cluster
3454
02:49:43,639 --> 02:49:44,471
behind and pull this cluster
fuck out of the toilet. What
3455
02:49:44,472 --> 02:49:48,910
fuck out of the toilet. What
the fuck did you guys do here
3456
02:49:48,911 --> 02:49:54,447
the fuck did you guys do here
tonight? Looks like it's time
3457
02:49:54,448 --> 02:49:56,449
tonight? Looks like it's time
for Thomas Edward Patrick Brady
3458
02:49:56,450 --> 02:49:59,453
for Thomas Edward Patrick Brady
Jr. to step up and lead us to
3459
02:49:59,454 --> 02:50:01,655
Jr. to step up and lead us to
glory. Because you and I know
3460
02:50:01,656 --> 02:50:05,560
glory. Because you and I know
and everyone in this dump knows
3461
02:50:05,561 --> 02:50:11,232
and everyone in this dump knows
he can do it. Yep, the word
3462
02:50:11,233 --> 02:50:13,734
he can do it. Yep, the word
hero comes to mind. But I
3463
02:50:13,735 --> 02:50:14,735
hero comes to mind. But I
struggle with that word.
3464
02:50:14,736 --> 02:50:16,904
Struggle with that word.
Because like the rest of
3465
02:50:16,905 --> 02:50:17,739
because like the rest of
america, I'll always remember
3466
02:50:17,740 --> 02:50:21,875
america, I'll always remember
where I was that faithful day
3467
02:50:21,876 --> 02:50:23,878
where I was that faithful day
in September of 2001, when
3468
02:50:23,879 --> 02:50:31,018
in September of 2001, when
tragically those two jets
3469
02:50:31,019 --> 02:50:34,356
tragically those two jets
slammed into drew bledsoe.
3470
02:50:40,329 --> 02:50:43,799
Jeff Ross, I want to thank you
for talking me into doing this.
3471
02:50:43,800 --> 02:50:51,005
For talking me into doing this.
Another thing that I'm great
3472
02:50:51,006 --> 02:50:52,306
another thing that I'm great
at. Who knew. Oh yeah. I did.
3473
02:50:52,307 --> 02:50:54,140
At. Who knew. Oh yeah. I did.
Because I'm about to replace
3474
02:50:54,141 --> 02:51:00,046
because I'm about to replace
you as the greatest roaster of
3475
02:51:00,047 --> 02:51:06,854
you as the greatest roaster of
all time. So hit the bench,
3476
02:51:06,855 --> 02:51:10,891
all time. So hit the bench,
Jeff. Tonight you're Jew
3477
02:51:10,892 --> 02:51:13,061
Jeff. Tonight you're Jew
bledsoe. People ask, Tom, why
3478
02:51:13,062 --> 02:51:15,263
bledsoe. People ask, Tom, why
would you do this roast now?
3479
02:51:15,264 --> 02:51:16,864
Would you do this roast now?
It's simple. I can take all
3480
02:51:16,865 --> 02:51:19,000
it's simple. I can take all
the hits. I would have done
3481
02:51:19,001 --> 02:51:25,072
the hits. I would have done
this earlier, but I've been
3482
02:51:25,073 --> 02:51:26,440
this earlier, but I've been
too busy winning championships.
3483
02:51:26,441 --> 02:51:30,211
Too busy winning championships.
Which explains why Peyton did
3484
02:51:30,212 --> 02:51:34,582
which explains why Peyton did
this roast eight years ago. So
3485
02:51:34,583 --> 02:51:39,655
this roast eight years ago. So
let's fucking go!
3486
02:51:41,590 --> 02:51:44,625
I heard some people talk about
me having bad knees. You
3487
02:51:44,626 --> 02:51:46,727
me having bad knees. You
nominees are so fucked up,
3488
02:51:46,728 --> 02:51:48,629
nominees are so fucked up,
Kevin, because I spent so many
3489
02:51:48,630 --> 02:51:51,033
Kevin, because I spent so many
goddamn hours on the floor
3490
02:51:51,034 --> 02:51:55,169
goddamn hours on the floor
begging Netflix to get
3491
02:51:55,170 --> 02:51:55,737
begging Netflix to get
chappelle to host this. Yeah.
3492
02:51:55,738 --> 02:52:01,376
Chappelle to host this. Yeah.
Fuck you, Kevin.
3493
02:52:09,317 --> 02:52:13,788
Sit your ass down. Let's go.
Professor gronkowski. My boy.
3494
02:52:13,789 --> 02:52:15,557
Professor gronkowski. My boy.
Thank you for being here.
3495
02:52:15,558 --> 02:52:17,426
Thank you for being here.
Despite everything we've seen
3496
02:52:17,427 --> 02:52:20,361
despite everything we've seen
here tonight, gronk was
3497
02:52:20,362 --> 02:52:21,362
here tonight, gronk was
actually useful on the field,
3498
02:52:21,363 --> 02:52:23,698
actually useful on the field,
although the bar for patriot
3499
02:52:23,699 --> 02:52:31,699
although the bar for patriot
tight ends was pretty low back
3500
02:52:36,111 --> 02:52:36,712
tight ends was pretty low back
then. Block, catch, don't
3501
02:52:36,713 --> 02:52:39,247
then. Block, catch, don't
murder.
3502
02:52:41,839 --> 02:52:45,151
Thanks to me, gronk was so
beloved there's a baby rhino
3503
02:52:45,152 --> 02:52:47,355
beloved there's a baby rhino
in the tampa zoo named after
3504
02:52:47,356 --> 02:52:52,192
in the tampa zoo named after
him. And gronk, I'm here to
3505
02:52:52,193 --> 02:52:55,995
him. And gronk, I'm here to
say you are not the father. You
3506
02:52:55,996 --> 02:53:00,067
say you are not the father. You
can stop sending those checks.
3507
02:53:02,871 --> 02:53:08,376
When you're Tom Brady, you're
not only feared, you're envied.
3508
02:53:08,377 --> 02:53:10,946
Not only feared, you're envied.
People want to be you, right,
3509
02:53:10,947 --> 02:53:12,387
people want to be you, right,
Julian?
3510
02:53:13,715 --> 02:53:17,517
Bro, you can live in my guest
house, swim in my pool, try on
3511
02:53:17,518 --> 02:53:19,120
house, swim in my pool, try on
my fucking jocker or any other
3512
02:53:19,121 --> 02:53:21,789
my fucking jocker or any other
sick shit you do when I'm not
3513
02:53:21,790 --> 02:53:24,493
sick shit you do when I'm not
around, but you're a fucking
3514
02:53:24,494 --> 02:53:28,361
around, but you're a fucking
stalker, bro. You'll never be
3515
02:53:28,362 --> 02:53:30,231
stalker, bro. You'll never be
me ever. Ever. Nah, now you can
3516
02:53:30,232 --> 02:53:33,434
me ever. Ever. Nah, now you can
date a model or four, steal my
3517
02:53:33,435 --> 02:53:35,302
date a model or four, steal my
Cologne, actively lobby to get
3518
02:53:35,303 --> 02:53:36,438
Cologne, actively lobby to get
Peyton Manning removed from the
3519
02:53:36,439 --> 02:53:44,439
Peyton Manning removed from the
hall of fame, but you'll never
3520
02:53:44,912 --> 02:53:48,416
hall of fame, but you'll never
be me. By the way, I want to
3521
02:53:48,417 --> 02:53:49,084
be me. By the way, I want to
set the record straight.
3522
02:53:49,085 --> 02:53:50,351
Set the record straight.
Certain haters, you've been up
3523
02:53:50,352 --> 02:53:53,020
certain haters, you've been up
here talking shit about me not
3524
02:53:53,021 --> 02:53:58,526
here talking shit about me not
having any black receivers. I
3525
02:53:58,527 --> 02:54:00,227
having any black receivers. I
never noticed. White players,
3526
02:54:00,228 --> 02:54:01,729
never noticed. White players,
black players, even if I take
3527
02:54:01,730 --> 02:54:04,765
black players, even if I take
their job while lying in a
3528
02:54:04,766 --> 02:54:06,132
their job while lying in a
fucking hospital bed coughing
3529
02:54:06,133 --> 02:54:07,702
fucking hospital bed coughing
up blood. They all get rings
3530
02:54:07,703 --> 02:54:15,703
up blood. They all get rings
when they play with Tom Brady,
3531
02:54:16,278 --> 02:54:16,845
when they play with Tom Brady,
right, drew? Unless you're
3532
02:54:16,846 --> 02:54:19,146
right, drew? Unless you're
Randy moss. Can you believe
3533
02:54:19,147 --> 02:54:20,514
Randy moss. Can you believe
that guy up here begging me, t
3534
02:54:20,515 --> 02:54:22,750
that guy up here begging me, t
boy, give me one of your rings.
3535
02:54:22,751 --> 02:54:24,552
Boy, give me one of your rings.
Give you a ring? Bitch, please,
3536
02:54:24,553 --> 02:54:32,553
give you a ring? Bitch, please,
you'll be lucky if I send you
3537
02:54:35,996 --> 02:54:37,698
you'll be lucky if I send you
a text. I'm not sitting on
3538
02:54:37,699 --> 02:54:41,634
a text. I'm not sitting on
some plank trying to hook me a
3539
02:54:41,635 --> 02:54:44,104
some plank trying to hook me a
cat fish. I'm Tom Brady. I got
3540
02:54:44,105 --> 02:54:47,141
cat fish. I'm Tom Brady. I got
shit to do. Where did Ben
3541
02:54:47,142 --> 02:54:49,310
shit to do. Where did Ben
Affleck go? Look at Ben
3542
02:54:49,311 --> 02:54:54,748
Affleck go? Look at Ben
Affleck. He's a huge movie
3543
02:54:54,749 --> 02:54:55,450
Affleck. He's a huge movie
star. Jersey girl, phantom,
3544
02:54:55,451 --> 02:55:03,390
star. Jersey girl, phantom,
Batman. And he's here
3545
02:55:03,391 --> 02:55:06,261
Batman. And he's here
defending me? When has Ben
3546
02:55:06,262 --> 02:55:11,566
defending me? When has Ben
Affleck ever made a bad
3547
02:55:11,567 --> 02:55:15,903
Affleck ever made a bad
decision? Glazer, schulz,
3548
02:55:15,904 --> 02:55:16,404
decision? Glazer, schulz,
hinchcliffe, who picked this
3549
02:55:16,405 --> 02:55:23,077
hinchcliffe, who picked this
shitty lineup? The New York
3550
02:55:23,078 --> 02:55:25,346
shitty lineup? The New York
jets front office? Nice fucking
3551
02:55:25,347 --> 02:55:25,947
jets front office? Nice fucking
haircut. But I'm not going to
3552
02:55:25,948 --> 02:55:27,515
haircut. But I'm not going to
say shit about Sam Jay because
3553
02:55:27,516 --> 02:55:33,621
say shit about Sam Jay because
she looks like that fucking
3554
02:55:33,622 --> 02:55:36,424
she looks like that fucking
dude who shredded my acl. I
3555
02:55:36,425 --> 02:55:42,129
dude who shredded my acl. I
don't care if you're from
3556
02:55:42,130 --> 02:55:45,365
don't care if you're from
Boston. Kim Kardashian, thank
3557
02:55:45,366 --> 02:55:48,035
Boston. Kim Kardashian, thank
you so much for being here. I
3558
02:55:48,036 --> 02:55:50,871
you so much for being here. I
know Kim was terrified to be
3559
02:55:50,872 --> 02:55:52,039
know Kim was terrified to be
here tonight. Not because of
3560
02:55:52,040 --> 02:55:59,579
here tonight. Not because of
this but because her kids are
3561
02:55:59,580 --> 02:56:05,554
this but because her kids are
at home with their dad.
3562
02:56:14,663 --> 02:56:22,663
We got so many great football
greats here tonight, but
3563
02:56:28,276 --> 02:56:29,710
greats here tonight, but
where's Roger goodell? I know.
3564
02:56:29,711 --> 02:56:31,645
Where's Roger goodell? I know.
Remember deflategate? The NFL
3565
02:56:31,646 --> 02:56:34,147
remember deflategate? The NFL
spent $20 million and found it
3566
02:56:34,148 --> 02:56:36,416
spent $20 million and found it
was more probable than not that
3567
02:56:36,417 --> 02:56:38,953
was more probable than not that
I was generally aware that
3568
02:56:38,954 --> 02:56:40,387
I was generally aware that
someone may have deflated my
3569
02:56:40,388 --> 02:56:41,256
someone may have deflated my
footballs. You could have just
3570
02:56:41,257 --> 02:56:43,291
footballs. You could have just
given me the $20 million and I
3571
02:56:43,292 --> 02:56:50,698
given me the $20 million and I
would have told you I fucking
3572
02:56:50,699 --> 02:56:53,802
would have told you I fucking
did it.
3573
02:57:05,613 --> 02:57:07,882
But I don't want to get the
NFL too upset. I'm trying to
3574
02:57:07,883 --> 02:57:10,651
NFL too upset. I'm trying to
buy a piece of the raiders.
3575
02:57:10,652 --> 02:57:15,889
Buy a piece of the raiders.
I'm tired of just owning the
3576
02:57:15,890 --> 02:57:20,094
I'm tired of just owning the
colts and the bills. Buffalo
3577
02:57:20,095 --> 02:57:20,962
colts and the bills. Buffalo
fans called themselves the
3578
02:57:20,963 --> 02:57:23,931
fans called themselves the
bills mafia. How are you the
3579
02:57:23,932 --> 02:57:26,301
bills mafia. How are you the
fucking mafia? At least the
3580
02:57:26,302 --> 02:57:33,507
fucking mafia? At least the
mafia has a ring you can kiss.
3581
02:57:33,508 --> 02:57:37,478
Mafia has a ring you can kiss.
While we're at it, screw colts
3582
02:57:37,479 --> 02:57:43,150
while we're at it, screw colts
fans. Colts are just broncos
3583
02:57:43,151 --> 02:57:45,106
fans. Colts are just broncos
who don't fuck.
3584
02:57:46,655 --> 02:57:49,456
Kansas City, you say your
stadium is the loudest? It
3585
02:57:49,457 --> 02:57:52,993
stadium is the loudest? It
helps when all your fans are
3586
02:57:52,994 --> 02:57:55,997
helps when all your fans are
14-year-old girls.
3587
02:58:03,671 --> 02:58:05,072
And in honor of taytay, let's
take a look at the chiefs era.
3588
02:58:05,073 --> 02:58:08,375
Take a look at the chiefs era.
Terrible for 50 years, good for
3589
02:58:08,376 --> 02:58:11,746
terrible for 50 years, good for
five. Shake it off.
3590
02:58:19,687 --> 02:58:22,156
Philly fans are just racist
assholes. But Kevin hart is
3591
02:58:22,157 --> 02:58:28,429
assholes. But Kevin hart is
from there, so I get it. Yeah,
3592
02:58:28,430 --> 02:58:30,531
from there, so I get it. Yeah,
fuck you, Kevin. In Philly they
3593
02:58:30,532 --> 02:58:32,700
fuck you, Kevin. In Philly they
have to grease up the light
3594
02:58:32,701 --> 02:58:34,702
have to grease up the light
Poles, so people don't climb
3595
02:58:34,703 --> 02:58:36,203
Poles, so people don't climb
them after games. You know how
3596
02:58:36,204 --> 02:58:39,574
them after games. You know how
they grease up those Poles?
3597
02:58:39,575 --> 02:58:46,413
They grease up those Poles?
They rub someone from
3598
02:58:46,414 --> 02:58:48,816
they rub someone from
Philadelphia on them. And
3599
02:58:48,817 --> 02:58:52,720
Philadelphia on them. And
giants fans, fuck Eli and fuck
3600
02:58:52,721 --> 02:58:56,091
giants fans, fuck Eli and fuck
you twice.
3601
02:58:57,659 --> 02:59:05,659
And now for the real reason you
are all here, coach bill
3602
02:59:08,369 --> 02:59:09,870
are all here, coach bill
belichick. Everybody asks me
3603
02:59:09,871 --> 02:59:11,438
belichick. Everybody asks me
which ring is my favorite. I
3604
02:59:11,439 --> 02:59:14,273
which ring is my favorite. I
used to say the next one. But
3605
02:59:14,274 --> 02:59:15,442
used to say the next one. But
now that I'm retired, my
3606
02:59:15,443 --> 02:59:17,311
now that I'm retired, my
favorite ring is the camera
3607
02:59:17,312 --> 02:59:18,612
favorite ring is the camera
that caught coach belichick
3608
02:59:18,613 --> 02:59:19,280
that caught coach belichick
shrinking out of that poor
3609
02:59:19,281 --> 02:59:27,281
shrinking out of that poor
girl's house at 6:00 A.M. a
3610
02:59:27,389 --> 02:59:34,862
girl's house at 6:00 A.M. a
few months ago. Hey, you still
3611
02:59:34,863 --> 02:59:40,968
few months ago. Hey, you still
got it. Respect, baby. You know
3612
02:59:40,969 --> 02:59:41,870
got it. Respect, baby. You know
we've been through so much.
3613
02:59:41,871 --> 02:59:43,504
We've been through so much.
After two decades, I finally
3614
02:59:43,505 --> 02:59:45,672
after two decades, I finally
had to admit that all along it
3615
02:59:45,673 --> 02:59:49,143
had to admit that all along it
was you. You're the reason for
3616
02:59:49,144 --> 02:59:50,944
was you. You're the reason for
the patriots dynasty because
3617
02:59:50,945 --> 02:59:53,714
the patriots dynasty because
you, bill belichick, you are a
3618
02:59:53,715 --> 02:59:54,881
you, bill belichick, you are a
true coaching genius. I mean
3619
02:59:54,882 --> 02:59:58,519
true coaching genius. I mean
you had to choose between an
3620
02:59:58,520 --> 02:59:59,853
you had to choose between an
aging injured, overpaid drew
3621
02:59:59,854 --> 03:00:03,724
aging injured, overpaid drew
bledsoe, and a young healthy
3622
03:00:03,725 --> 03:00:05,058
bledsoe, and a young healthy
minimum wage super star. I
3623
03:00:05,059 --> 03:00:07,227
minimum wage super star. I
could have got a fucking coach
3624
03:00:07,228 --> 03:00:08,428
could have got a fucking coach
from foxborough fucking high
3625
03:00:08,429 --> 03:00:14,168
from foxborough fucking high
school to make that decision.
3626
03:00:14,169 --> 03:00:17,671
School to make that decision.
Run it again, belichick. I've
3627
03:00:17,672 --> 03:00:20,607
run it again, belichick. I've
been out of the game for a
3628
03:00:20,608 --> 03:00:21,608
been out of the game for a
minute, so I'm curious. How
3629
03:00:21,609 --> 03:00:27,213
minute, so I'm curious. How
many super bowl rings have you
3630
03:00:27,214 --> 03:00:28,248
many super bowl rings have you
won since I left? Maybe it's
3631
03:00:28,249 --> 03:00:29,917
won since I left? Maybe it's
not just the guy in the
3632
03:00:29,918 --> 03:00:31,852
not just the guy in the
sideline. When I go to the indy
3633
03:00:31,853 --> 03:00:36,356
sideline. When I go to the indy
500, I don't ask the winning
3634
03:00:36,357 --> 03:00:41,461
500, I don't ask the winning
driver, hey, who gassed up your
3635
03:00:41,462 --> 03:00:44,698
driver, hey, who gassed up your
car? There have been a lot of
3636
03:00:44,699 --> 03:00:46,734
car? There have been a lot of
jokes tonight, but the truth is
3637
03:00:46,735 --> 03:00:54,735
jokes tonight, but the truth is
I miss the love of my life,
3638
03:00:57,912 --> 03:00:59,279
I miss the love of my life,
football. So to my fans, it's
3639
03:00:59,280 --> 03:01:00,581
football. So to my fans, it's
been an honor to be your guy
3640
03:01:00,582 --> 03:01:02,515
been an honor to be your guy
that you can count on to get
3641
03:01:02,516 --> 03:01:06,053
that you can count on to get
the team down the field and
3642
03:01:06,054 --> 03:01:07,754
the team down the field and
somehow pull off a last-minute
3643
03:01:07,755 --> 03:01:13,059
somehow pull off a last-minute
miracle victory, what's called
3644
03:01:13,060 --> 03:01:14,028
miracle victory, what's called
in football a Tom Brady. And to
3645
03:01:14,029 --> 03:01:17,497
in football a Tom Brady. And to
all the rest of you who have
3646
03:01:17,498 --> 03:01:19,199
all the rest of you who have
been talking shit about me for
3647
03:01:19,200 --> 03:01:25,839
been talking shit about me for
20 fucking years. I've got one
3648
03:01:25,840 --> 03:01:27,040
20 fucking years. I've got one
thing to say. Lose my number.
3649
03:01:27,041 --> 03:01:29,267
Thing to say. Lose my number.
Fuck them all, baby!
3650
03:01:30,945 --> 03:01:32,112
[ Cheering
3651
03:01:42,991 --> 03:01:50,991
Get on your fucking feet one
time for the goat himself! Tom
3652
03:01:55,803 --> 03:01:58,171
time for the goat himself! Tom
Brady! Now Tom, one second. One
3653
03:01:58,172 --> 03:01:58,773
Brady! Now Tom, one second. One
second. One quick second. All
3654
03:01:58,774 --> 03:02:00,540
second. One quick second. All
right, Tom, this is a me thing.
3655
03:02:00,541 --> 03:02:02,409
Right, Tom, this is a me thing.
I'm like all right, if i'm
3656
03:02:02,410 --> 03:02:04,611
I'm like all right, if i'm
going to do it, well Tom has to
3657
03:02:04,612 --> 03:02:05,845
going to do it, well Tom has to
leave with something to match
3658
03:02:05,846 --> 03:02:08,447
leave with something to match
the energy of the success he's
3659
03:02:08,448 --> 03:02:09,816
the energy of the success he's
had along the years. So Tom, we
3660
03:02:09,817 --> 03:02:13,453
had along the years. So Tom, we
decided to do was add another
3661
03:02:13,454 --> 03:02:15,088
decided to do was add another
ring. Goddamnit, Tom, you
3662
03:02:15,089 --> 03:02:15,690
ring. Goddamnit, Tom, you
deserve another fucking ring.
3663
03:02:15,691 --> 03:02:18,058
Deserve another fucking ring.
But a ring fitted for a goat
3664
03:02:18,059 --> 03:02:20,761
but a ring fitted for a goat
like yourself. Put it on.
3665
03:02:20,762 --> 03:02:22,462
Like yourself. Put it on.
Oh, I love that.
3666
03:02:22,463 --> 03:02:23,764
Oh, I love that.
That's right, put it on.
3667
03:02:23,765 --> 03:02:24,765
That's right, put it on.
Ladies and gentlemen, that's
3668
03:02:24,766 --> 03:02:28,634
ladies and gentlemen, that's
Tom fucking Brady, and this is
3669
03:02:28,635 --> 03:02:32,838
Tom fucking Brady, and this is
a live event on Netflix, and
3670
03:02:32,839 --> 03:02:36,076
a live event on Netflix, and
you are live. Thank you all for
3671
03:02:36,077 --> 03:02:37,678
you are live. Thank you all for
watching. Thank you all for
3672
03:02:37,679 --> 03:02:38,946
watching. Thank you all for
supporting. More importantly,
3673
03:02:38,947 --> 03:02:40,248
supporting. More importantly,
thank you for laughing. I love
3674
03:02:40,249 --> 03:02:45,820
thank you for laughing. I love
you guys so much. Good night.
357234
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