All language subtitles for The King of Queens - S08E20 - Four Play (1080p x265 EDGE2020)-ing

Doug, I'm gonna miss my train.
What time is it?

Would you relax?

You have plenty of time.

Okay, that clock
only has one hand.

Oh, yeah.

All right, what time is it
on the coffee maker?

Oh, well, the coffee maker
is Mountain standard time,

plus, it's
5 minutes fast,

so that would
make it, uh...

I can't do this.

All right, the microwave
says it's 7:10. That's good.

7:09,

7:08.

Oh, that's my egg pocket.

I can't be late for work.
What does your watch say?

It's not a watch.
It just counts my steps.

Holy crap, I'm at 32.

I gotta slow it down.

Thank you.

So, Julie comes in
every morning at 10:00,

and leaves at 4:00, and leaves
me with all her friggin' work.

I should report
her, right?

Can I offer a little
advice about this?

I mean, I don't want
to be a rat, but...

She is annoying.

And on top of that, she
has the worst hair, so...

May I, darling-

dad-dad,
please. Okay?

All right, honey, I don't
know what I'm gonna do.

I'll just figure it out.

Okay, bye-bye.

Okay, I think I can help you
with this Julie thing.

If you want to help me,
finish your dinner,

'cause I have to meet
Doug at the movies.

I dealt with this type of character
when I was a production assistant

on a little show
called sesame street.

You worked on
sesame street?

Sure. From march of '76
to mid-march of '76.

Anyway, I can't name names,

but I had a similar situation

with a large bird
with an even bigger ego.

Big bird?

You said it.
I didn't.

All right, is there
a point to this, dad?

I've had close to
200 jobs in my life,

so I know a thing or two

about office politics.

Now, do you have
access to firearms?

Okay.

I'm not gonna shoot her.

I never said "shoot." Just
let her know you mean business.

Come on.
Eat your beets now.

I will not
eat my beets!

Why is it, day after day,
I offer you sound advice

on how to fix
your pathetic life,

and you reject it
every time?

Well, I've had it
with you!

Actually, I stormed off
for dramatic effect.

I'm really
quite hungry.

Perfect. Blood thieves 2
starts in 10 minutes.

I don't want
to see a movie

where a bunch of people
get their blood stolen.

Okay. When it happens to you,
you're not gonna know what to do.

Honey, it's date night.
I want to see bon vivant.

Okay, unless that's
foreign for "stealing blood,"

eh-eh.

Hey, guys.

Oh, good. Put Doug
out of his misery.

He wants to see
blood thieves 2.

Oh, I loved
the first one.

Yeah. In this one,
there's even less talking.

I'm in.

Actually, I want
to see bon vivant.

Thank you. Finally,
somebody with some taste.

You mean, somebody
with some gay.

All right,
what are we gonna do?

Hey, I have
an idea.

Why don't me and Deacon see bon
vivant and you guys see your thing?

That's great.

Let's do it.

Okay.
All right.

Come on, girl.

I'm gonna get some snacks.
How many hot dogs you want?

I'm in a bit of
a time crunch here,

but you're obviously
a man in crisis.

How can I help you?

You called me.

Yes, to share my considerable
knowledge and life experience.

I'm older than you.

Then you should be wise
enough to heed my advice.

I only came here because
you said you'd buy me a scone.

And I will, after we sort
out your troubled life.

Now, where do you see
yourself in 10 years?

Dead.

Fair enough.

5 years?

I'll tell you where
I see myself in 5 minutes:

Back on the bus.

So, I had a really good time with
that guy, Steve, the other night.

Uh-huh.

So, do I call him,

or do I have to wait
for him to call me?

Um...

I just had
3 muscle relaxers,

so I'm gonna go to the
bathroom and lie down for a bit.

Do not call this fellow.

Excuse me?

I couldn't help overhearing
your conversation

because I was
eavesdropping.

No offense,

but I'm not sure
I want advice

from a guy who bounces
a check for $1.42.

I have off-shore accounts.
I was moving monies around.

Whatever.

Now, under no circumstances

should you call this
ne'er-do-well, Steve.

He's a dentist.

I've got one, thank you.

The point is,
if you call him

you're going
to sound desperate.

Let him come to you.

Tell you what.
I'll think about it.

Now, can I get
you anything?

A cappuccino muffin
and a mocha latte.

That's $5.85.

Who shall I make this out to?

Hey! How'd you
like the movie?

Oh, it was so scary.

Yeah, and news flash,
without blood, you're nothing.

Good to know.

So how was your
precious bon vivant?

Great.

What was it about?

I can't
tell you exactly,

but it was
very well done.

Oh, check it out.

Saturday they're starting
the international film series.

The director's gonna
be there for a q-and-a.

Oh, I'd be into that.

Yeah, me too.
Oh, wait, I forgot.

I'm supposed to get drunk
and pass out that night.

We can't go. I promised the
kids we'd take 'em go-karting.

Kel, my legs are too
long for those things.

I have short legs.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Whoo!

We want fish sticks!
We want fish sticks!

We want fish sticks!

Cranberry muffin.

Be a dear,
use the tongs.

How much
do I owe you?

Oh, it's
on the house.

Really?

Yeah. Every bounced check
costs us $20 in bank fees.

Oh, why, thank you.

Besides, thanks to your advice,
I'm going out with Steve again.

Oh, really? Well, it
was my pleasure to help.

Actually, I'd love to get
some advice on something else.

Oh, I'd be happy to oblige,
although I do think better

with a complimentary
sack of bagel chips.

Um, well, I rent this
really cheap apartment,

but there's been
a lot of break-ins,

so I was thinking
I should buy a condo.

No, no, no,

stay put.

The real estate market
is at an all-time high.

But my neighborhood's
really dangerous.

And so is
buying on the bubble.

My advice? Stay away
from the color peach.

Hey.
Hey, honey.

Listen, Kelly called. You
left your jacket in her car.

Oh, that's all right.
I'll get it tomorrow.

So, how was mini-golf?

It was good, but I had to
give major another time out,

and, uh...

Kirby's been asking a lot of
questions about the ladies,

so I think I'm gonna have
to have "the talk" with him.

Oh, boy.
Yeah.

I was hoping you can go
over some stuff with me,

'cause, uh...
Never been 100% sure

about what you guys
got going on down there.

I know, baby.

How was yoga?

Oh, it was great.

Deacon is so flexible,
he's like a rubber band.

He really helped
me get into my hips.

I'm gonna be sore tomorrow,
I'll tell you that.

But it's a good sore, right? Yeah.

Listen, I'm making
ravioli for dinner.

Oh. Actually,
you know what?

I had carbs today, so I'll
just have a salad tonight.

Really?

Yeah, Kelly thinks I need
to lose a few pounds,

and, you know,
she's right.

I gotta be honest
with you, honey.

I think Kelly has
been great for you.

Thanks. I gotta say, as long as
you've been hanging out with Deacon-

I don't know.
You just seem...

happy.

I am. I am.

I gotta say that we
haven't hung out together,

you know, just
the two of us.

Maybe we should
make a plan to do that.

Definitely!
How about Friday?

Ooh! No, Friday I can't.

Deacon and I, we have
that gallery thing, so...

I'll tell you
what though,

how about we meet you and
Kelly for drinks before?

I'll check with the boss.
That sounds great.

Well, dinner'll be
ready in a half hour.

All right. I'm gonna
bang out some crunches.

The guy didn't want to give
us the big stuffed animal.

He wanted to give us
this little troll doll.

So what does this one do?
She picks up a basketball,

and drains
5 in a row, bam!

And who walks out of there
with a giant panda?

We did!

Good times, good times. Oh, man.

Hey, tell 'em what you
asked that turkish director.

Oh, no, no, no, they
wouldn't know. You know.

You're right.
They wouldn't get it.

Yeah, exactly.
I know.

We didn't offer you guys
a drink. Name your poison.

I'll take a beer.

All right, bottle of suds
for the rubber band man.

Merlot, and... oh, boy,
I should know this.

Uh...

Sea breeze.

Jack and coke.

Jack and coke!

Hey, deac, did you
get a haircut?

Yep.

And the beard's next.

Kel, there's no
beer in the fridge.

Yeah, I told you
to get some more.

I didn't have time.

I had to take the kids to the
park and we went by arby's.

I told you I don't want the
kids eating before dinner.

What am I supposed to do,
just make them watch me eat?

They need to come home
to do their homework.

They're at school
all day.

They deserve
a little roast beef.

You know, actually, Doug,
they shouldn't be eating-

excuse me, deac.
I got it.

You are unbelievable!

One minute I'm not spending
enough time with them.

Now it's too much?
I can't win with you!

Where are you going?

I'm going to
get us some beer.

Now? We have people here.

Fine!

Actually, you know what?
We gotta get going.

Yeah, that bridge
is gonna be nuts.

Yeah.

But you know what? This has
been fun. Thanks so much.

Later.

I'm gonna go
check on the boys.

Sir...

If this is
about the newspaper,

I was planning to pay for it
once the line went down.

Oh, it's not about that.

I was talking
to my manager,

and I thought maybe you
could give me some advice.

Oh! Another lost soul
needs my compass.

Please, sit.

Thank you.

What is troubling you?

Career, family,
sexual confusion?

Uh, I just want to know

who I should bet on in
tomorrow's basketball game.

Ooh, a gambler.

Yeah. So who
would you bet,

the nets or spurs?

Are they still using
a red, white and blue ball?

No.

Then bet the nets!

Thanks, man.

Hey, it's what I do.

Put it all on the spurs.

Whoa! I said, the nets.

I know,
but Gloria told me

whatever you say,
I should do the opposite.

What?

She says any advice from
you would have to be wrong,

so if I do
the opposite,

I win and I get my van
out of the impound.

I see.

Hey, Arthur, I need
some more advice.

Do you now?

Hey, honey.

Hey.

What are
you watching?

Leonard nimoy.

Hey, shouldn't you be getting
ready to go out with Kelly?

I won't be going anywhere
with that woman.

Oh, are you
still fighting?

Mm.
I'm so sorry.

Whatever, man.

Listen, I figured we'd just hang out
tonight and get a pizza or something.

Uh, actually, I can't.
I have plans with Deacon.

What?

Yeah. Remember, we do
our movie thing tonight?

If I'm not spending time with Kelly,
you shouldn't be hanging out with Deacon.

Well, that's
not fair.

I mean, why should I have to suffer
just because you and Kelly are fighting?

Because you're my wife.

How about I call
Kelly for you?

No! I'm not going
crawling back to her.

But-but, baby,
just 2 days ago,

you said she was the best
thing that ever happened to you.

Now you're just willing
to throw all that away?

Yes! No! I don't know!

My whole world
is upside-down!

Okay!

Let me just call her
for you now, okay?

I'll smooth
things over.

Fine, but don't tell
her I'm here, okay?

I can't be here.

Act natural too.
Oh, be quiet.

Excuse me. I know what I'm doing.

Hey, kel, it's me.

Listen, I know you and Doug are going
through a little rough patch here.

I just want you to know that
sometimes Doug says things

he really doesn't mean.

The thing is, is he's
just not that bright.

You know what
I do with him?

I give him a pretzel
or a chocolate pudding.

That just calms him
right down. Really.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

But, kel, if
he can just-

okay. Bye.

So?

You're dead to her.

I got fired.

What?
So, what happened?

Arthur said that I shouldn't
ask Mr. berman for a raise,

so I demanded one.

I did the opposite
of what he said.

Why didn't that work?

Because I knew
what you were doing,

and I gave you the
opposite of the opposite.

What?

Yeah. "Loose lips" over
here told me everything.

You cost me my job!
I can't pay my rent now!

I'm gonna be
out on the street!

And you hurt my feelings,

so now we're even.

Much like the
Neo-realists of the '70s,

your use of fruit
and often bread

seem significant.

Ah, le fruit.

Yes. Yeah.

I placed a rotting apple
on the windowsill

to try and symbolize
the corruption of pascha's soul.

Mm.

What symbolizes
that my ass is asleep?

Shh!
You shush!

Was the rain in
the last scene planned-

would you sit still?

This is brutal.
How much longer is this?

I don't know. Maybe an hour. An hour?

Would you please
control him?

I am trying.

A little help here,
you know.

He's your husband.
I know that.

You don't have to keep
throwing that in my face.

I'm gonna ask him a
question about pepe le pew.

Stop it!

That's it.
I'm outta here.

No, please don't go.
I'll put him in the car.

This whole thing is getting
kind of weird anyway.

It's not weird,
it's great.

I'm sorry, Carrie.

Deacon, please
don't leave!

You're causing
a scene.

I don't care!

Carrie, it's over.

You still got me.

Shut up.

Look, I'm not happy
about it either,

but this is the hand
we've been dealt. You know?

So what do we do now?

What do we do?
We make the best of it.

Well, I guess I can
make more of an effort

to do the stuff
that you want to do.

Well, there you go.
That's my baby.

And you know what?

Maybe I'll make
more of an effort

to do the stuff
that you want to do.

Let's start with me.

Whoa!

Wha!

See, this movie's
a nice compromise.

It's French,
but it's about a guy

who cuts off people's feet
with a chainsaw.

Except they don't
show anything.

They just talk
about it in a cafe.

Well, they're leaving it
up to your imagination.

Okay, I didn't pay $10
to imagine-

shh!

Hey, don't shush him. He's right.

This movie blows.

I told you we should
have seen angel of death.

You know, it's just starting.
Do you want to go?

Okay.

Okay.