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1
00:00:08,307 --> 00:00:11,341
[ Theme music plays ]
2
00:00:11,376 --> 00:00:13,112
[ Laughs ]
3
00:00:13,147 --> 00:00:23,716
♪
4
00:00:23,751 --> 00:00:25,256
Man: It's alive!
5
00:00:25,291 --> 00:00:33,297
♪
6
00:00:33,332 --> 00:00:35,398
[ Laughs ]
7
00:00:35,433 --> 00:00:39,765
♪
8
00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:41,800
[ Laughs ]
9
00:00:43,276 --> 00:00:44,968
Aah! Oh, no! Aah! Aah!
10
00:00:45,003 --> 00:00:46,904
[ Roars ]
- Aah! Oh, God!
11
00:00:46,939 --> 00:00:49,071
[ Screaming ]
12
00:00:49,106 --> 00:00:50,512
Aah! Aah! A fucking shark!
13
00:00:50,547 --> 00:00:51,810
[ Screaming ]
14
00:00:51,845 --> 00:00:53,680
[ Record scratching ]
15
00:00:53,715 --> 00:00:55,187
One on land.
16
00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:57,849
One at sea.
17
00:00:57,884 --> 00:01:00,654
Theirs was a forbidden love.
18
00:01:00,689 --> 00:01:02,524
Just kill me already!
19
00:01:02,559 --> 00:01:04,889
The world was against them.
20
00:01:04,924 --> 00:01:07,958
We have to separate them.
If they team up, we're dead.
21
00:01:07,993 --> 00:01:09,828
- No bloody way!
- No!
22
00:01:10,435 --> 00:01:12,996
Man: [ Straining ]
They must not mate!
23
00:01:14,065 --> 00:01:16,703
[ Dramatic music plays ]
24
00:01:16,738 --> 00:01:22,610
♪
25
00:01:22,645 --> 00:01:25,316
Can true love prevail?
26
00:01:25,351 --> 00:01:28,220
- "Surt<3
- Turf."
27
00:01:28,255 --> 00:01:29,485
From Universal.
28
00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:32,389
[ Suspenseful music plays ]
29
00:01:32,424 --> 00:01:36,294
Kraken, feast your eyes
upon the terrible Medusa.
30
00:01:38,991 --> 00:01:41,299
Throwing effort.
31
00:01:41,334 --> 00:01:44,137
There. That felt like
a safe way to get rid of that.
32
00:01:44,865 --> 00:01:48,702
Ow! Hey, who's playing Chad
for a fool?
33
00:01:48,737 --> 00:01:51,100
[ Yowls ]
34
00:01:51,135 --> 00:01:55,280
Oh, shit. With power like that,
it could finally be Chad's time!
35
00:01:55,315 --> 00:01:57,139
Let's go, hon.
To the clubs!
36
00:01:57,174 --> 00:01:58,514
End of the line,
37
00:01:58,549 --> 00:02:00,549
unless you got some
pretty girls with you.
38
00:02:00,584 --> 00:02:03,981
I got a girl that'll make you
rock hard, brah.
39
00:02:04,016 --> 00:02:05,785
Turn into stone!
40
00:02:05,820 --> 00:02:06,885
Yeah!
- We're in.
41
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:08,018
[ Medusa shrieking ]
42
00:02:08,053 --> 00:02:09,393
- Oh!
- Oh!
43
00:02:09,428 --> 00:02:11,725
Yo, yo. Two cinnamon whiskeys
and Red Bulls, please.
44
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:13,397
Aah!
45
00:02:13,432 --> 00:02:14,662
♪ Oh, yeah, ah, ah ♪
46
00:02:14,697 --> 00:02:15,993
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
47
00:02:16,028 --> 00:02:20,338
The Kraken's brother
is here, and he is pissed!
48
00:02:20,373 --> 00:02:22,098
Guess it's up to Chad.
Man: No!
49
00:02:23,475 --> 00:02:25,134
[ Roars ]
50
00:02:25,169 --> 00:02:28,544
Feast your peepers
on this, bitch.
51
00:02:28,579 --> 00:02:30,172
Uh, babe...
- Sorry, bro.
52
00:02:30,207 --> 00:02:32,075
I took some bad ketamine
at the club.
53
00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:33,681
I'm gonna keel.
54
00:02:33,716 --> 00:02:35,683
Whoa! Cha...
55
00:02:36,455 --> 00:02:38,422
Mario, I met someone new.
56
00:02:38,457 --> 00:02:40,391
I'm sorry,
but I'm leaving you.
57
00:02:40,426 --> 00:02:42,393
Huh? For who?
58
00:02:42,428 --> 00:02:44,329
Timothée Chalamet?
59
00:02:44,364 --> 00:02:46,859
You gotta be shitting me.
- Ha ha. What's up?
60
00:02:46,894 --> 00:02:49,697
I'm Timothée Chalamet,
and I have a thing for peaches.
61
00:02:49,732 --> 00:02:52,733
Yeah, I know.
We all know, you freak.
Pitted peaches,
unpitted peaches.
62
00:02:53,065 --> 00:02:55,241
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Huh?
63
00:02:55,276 --> 00:02:57,969
Oh, God.
64
00:02:58,004 --> 00:02:59,806
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Huh?
65
00:03:01,447 --> 00:03:02,644
[ Cellphone chimes ]
66
00:03:02,679 --> 00:03:04,008
[ Thud ]
- Aah!
67
00:03:04,043 --> 00:03:06,780
[ Speaking Spanish ]
- Aah!
68
00:03:06,815 --> 00:03:08,419
Aah!
- [ Speaking French ]
69
00:03:10,852 --> 00:03:12,489
I only downloaded the app
to impress people
70
00:03:12,524 --> 00:03:14,293
with the idea of me
learning a new language.
71
00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:16,394
I don't actually have
the time or discipline.
72
00:03:16,429 --> 00:03:17,527
[ Laughs ]
73
00:03:18,431 --> 00:03:19,991
Aah! Aah!
I promise.
74
00:03:20,026 --> 00:03:22,664
I will never miss another day
of language practice again.
75
00:03:22,699 --> 00:03:24,501
[ Speaking German ]
76
00:03:28,133 --> 00:03:29,231
[ Screaming ]
77
00:03:29,266 --> 00:03:33,070
[ Shouting in Spanish ]
78
00:03:33,105 --> 00:03:34,775
[ Announcer speaking Spanish ]
79
00:03:37,417 --> 00:03:38,515
[ Knock on door ]
80
00:03:38,550 --> 00:03:40,880
Hi. We're the pirates
of Dark Water.
81
00:03:40,915 --> 00:03:43,355
We only found 8
- of the 13 Treasures of Rule
82
00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:44,950
before Fox Kids
canceled us,
83
00:03:44,985 --> 00:03:48,217
so now we're here to help you
with your dark water.
84
00:03:48,252 --> 00:03:50,120
You talking about
my runny stool?
85
00:03:50,155 --> 00:03:52,925
- [ Clears throat ]
- Your drinking water, ma'am.
86
00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:55,092
This water is disgusting.
87
00:03:55,127 --> 00:03:57,897
They rerouted the Flint River
into our drinking water,
88
00:03:57,932 --> 00:03:59,437
and it ate up
the lead pipes.
89
00:03:59,472 --> 00:04:01,703
The children were
drinking liquid lead.
90
00:04:01,738 --> 00:04:03,903
This is great,
great stuff.
91
00:04:03,938 --> 00:04:06,741
What the hell are you
talking about, Sunburn?
92
00:04:06,776 --> 00:04:10,778
So we'd call it "Pirates of
Dark Water: Operation Flint."
93
00:04:10,813 --> 00:04:12,582
Right.
And who's the bad guy?
94
00:04:12,617 --> 00:04:15,948
A squid in a pirate hat
named Squinty Flinty,
95
00:04:15,983 --> 00:04:18,885
who also happens to be the head
of the Michigan Department
96
00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:20,722
of Environmental Quality.
97
00:04:20,757 --> 00:04:22,691
I am loving this.
98
00:04:22,726 --> 00:04:25,793
You want the good news
or the bad news?
99
00:04:25,828 --> 00:04:27,124
Good news?
100
00:04:27,159 --> 00:04:29,632
I'm ordering 13 episodes
right now.
101
00:04:29,667 --> 00:04:31,931
- We're back!
- Good for us.
102
00:04:31,966 --> 00:04:33,768
Uh, and the bad news?
103
00:04:33,803 --> 00:04:35,935
Fox Kids
folded 20 years ago.
104
00:04:35,970 --> 00:04:38,168
I rescued that logo out
of a Dumpster on my last day
105
00:04:38,203 --> 00:04:39,840
and have been running
"Fox Kids"
106
00:04:39,875 --> 00:04:41,644
here in my mom's
guesthouse ever since.
107
00:04:41,679 --> 00:04:45,142
We have zero budget
and make nothing.
108
00:04:45,177 --> 00:04:46,308
We'll take it.
109
00:04:46,343 --> 00:04:47,584
Great. Sign here.
110
00:04:47,619 --> 00:04:49,014
Click and sign.
111
00:04:49,049 --> 00:04:50,620
Oh, Jesus Christ.
112
00:04:50,952 --> 00:04:52,985
[ Groans ]
- Mitch, where are we?
113
00:04:53,020 --> 00:04:54,657
What's this thing
on my head?
114
00:04:54,692 --> 00:04:55,922
Jigsaw: Mitch and Maggie,
115
00:04:55,957 --> 00:04:58,320
your selfish natures
led to your divorce,
116
00:04:58,355 --> 00:05:00,465
and now you'll test
whether your love
117
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:02,368
ever meant anything at all.
118
00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:04,469
Maggie has a reverse bear trap
119
00:05:04,504 --> 00:05:08,297
that will split open
her skull in one minute.
- Aah!
120
00:05:08,332 --> 00:05:11,036
The key's hidden in the stomach
of this woman.
121
00:05:11,071 --> 00:05:14,842
Who lives, who dies --
Make your choice.
122
00:05:14,877 --> 00:05:16,811
Oh, shit.
- Oh, God, oh, God!
123
00:05:16,846 --> 00:05:19,110
Vicki!
- My much younger fiancée?!
124
00:05:19,145 --> 00:05:20,716
I'm so sorry, Vicki,
but I just realized
125
00:05:20,751 --> 00:05:22,047
I still have feelings
for my ex-wife.
126
00:05:22,082 --> 00:05:23,950
I mean, she's the mother
of my two girls.
127
00:05:23,985 --> 00:05:25,589
Stab!
- Ow.
128
00:05:25,624 --> 00:05:26,920
Hurry!
- Oh, my stomach!
129
00:05:26,955 --> 00:05:29,890
Stab from the middle.
You're doing it all wrong.
130
00:05:29,925 --> 00:05:32,288
Will you stop fucking
micromanaging me?!
131
00:05:32,323 --> 00:05:34,323
I know how to stab someone.
132
00:05:34,358 --> 00:05:35,533
I don't think our plan
133
00:05:35,568 --> 00:05:37,062
to get our parents
back together is working.
134
00:05:37,097 --> 00:05:38,767
[ Bell dings ]
135
00:05:38,802 --> 00:05:39,966
Aah!
136
00:05:40,001 --> 00:05:41,803
Ah! There!
See? You happy now?
137
00:05:44,005 --> 00:05:46,841
This is Billy the Puppet
from "The Parent Death Trap."
138
00:05:46,876 --> 00:05:50,075
And you're watching Disney Plus.
139
00:05:50,110 --> 00:05:52,209
[ Twinkle! ]
140
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:55,311
♪ I love my Pogs ♪
141
00:05:55,346 --> 00:05:57,423
Here, hon.
I bought you some toys.
142
00:05:57,458 --> 00:05:59,249
Moon shoes!
Thanks, Mom.
143
00:05:59,284 --> 00:06:00,591
You want
to watch me bounce?
144
00:06:00,626 --> 00:06:03,154
Oh, sorry, honey.
It's Mommy's meth time.
145
00:06:03,189 --> 00:06:05,057
[ Vehicle door opens, closes ]
Lookit. These are so cool.
146
00:06:05,092 --> 00:06:07,158
Now, how do these shoes work?
147
00:06:07,193 --> 00:06:08,027
[ Boing! ]
148
00:06:08,062 --> 00:06:09,798
Whooooa!
149
00:06:09,833 --> 00:06:10,964
Oh, shit!
150
00:06:10,999 --> 00:06:12,163
[ Door opens ]
151
00:06:14,134 --> 00:06:16,475
What is happening?
[ Laughs ]
152
00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:19,335
You stupid Earthlings
equip your brood with shoes
153
00:06:19,370 --> 00:06:21,238
that catapult them
into the heavens.
154
00:06:21,273 --> 00:06:23,306
We track them to work
as captives
155
00:06:23,341 --> 00:06:26,342
on our diarrhea mines
of Mazashi 12.
156
00:06:26,377 --> 00:06:28,883
Diarrhea mines? Not today.
157
00:06:29,787 --> 00:06:31,655
[ Gasps ] Soccer Boppers!
158
00:06:31,690 --> 00:06:33,492
The Masashs'
only weakness.
159
00:06:33,527 --> 00:06:34,823
Have a little sock!
160
00:06:34,858 --> 00:06:36,891
And the bopping!
No! No!
161
00:06:36,926 --> 00:06:38,596
I am defeated.
162
00:06:38,631 --> 00:06:40,895
But you will not survive.
163
00:06:40,930 --> 00:06:42,292
[ Alarm blaring ]
164
00:06:42,327 --> 00:06:45,229
Whoooooo!
165
00:06:45,264 --> 00:06:47,264
Skip-It time!
166
00:06:50,544 --> 00:06:53,138
Mom, Mom! The moon shoes
blasted me into outer space,
167
00:06:53,173 --> 00:06:54,579
but this Skip-It saved me.
168
00:06:54,614 --> 00:06:56,240
Oh, no, sweetie.
The moon shoes broke
169
00:06:56,275 --> 00:06:57,978
your ankles
almost immediately.
170
00:06:58,013 --> 00:07:00,442
You fell
- and cracked your skull open.
171
00:07:00,477 --> 00:07:03,115
This whole adventure
is just the last of your neurons
172
00:07:03,150 --> 00:07:06,492
firing randomly
before you die.
173
00:07:06,527 --> 00:07:08,054
Moon shoes!
174
00:07:08,089 --> 00:07:10,221
♪ '90 toys,
we were there for you ♪
175
00:07:10,256 --> 00:07:12,223
♪ When your parents
were on meth ♪
176
00:07:13,226 --> 00:07:16,029
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
177
00:07:16,064 --> 00:07:19,538
who is
the fairest of them all?
178
00:07:19,573 --> 00:07:24,609
I shall have to say it's
Big Butt Mary in River Town.
179
00:07:24,644 --> 00:07:27,172
My God, it's magnificent.
180
00:07:27,812 --> 00:07:29,977
Past Jedi, be with me.
181
00:07:30,012 --> 00:07:31,473
Please, I need your help.
182
00:07:31,508 --> 00:07:32,980
- We're here, Rey.
- Use the Force.
183
00:07:33,015 --> 00:07:36,049
Hey, hey, hey!
- Don't forget me, Yarael Poof.
184
00:07:36,084 --> 00:07:38,084
Remember me?
From the Jedi Council.
185
00:07:38,119 --> 00:07:40,383
Oh, gosh,
- it is dark and musty in here.
186
00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:42,319
I'm here for you, too, Rey.
187
00:07:42,354 --> 00:07:43,859
We're a dyad in the Force.
188
00:07:43,894 --> 00:07:47,027
Dyad? Oh. So are we just,
like, making things up?
189
00:07:48,195 --> 00:07:49,766
Uhh!
- So, hey, Rey.
190
00:07:49,801 --> 00:07:51,493
I can tag in any time.
191
00:07:51,528 --> 00:07:53,737
You know, if you want the help
of an honest-to-goodness Jedi,
192
00:07:53,772 --> 00:07:55,765
as opposed to Captain
Emo or...
193
00:07:58,843 --> 00:08:00,106
She's gonna die.
194
00:08:00,141 --> 00:08:02,438
Force, healing power.
[ Grunts ]
195
00:08:02,473 --> 00:08:04,979
Could we always just heal people
with the Force like that?
196
00:08:05,014 --> 00:08:06,409
It seems to me
- that that would have been
197
00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:08,279
a useful thing to know.
198
00:08:10,514 --> 00:08:13,922
I think, you know, I and a lot
of other people assumed you two
199
00:08:13,957 --> 00:08:16,562
were at the very least cousins.
All I'm saying is maybe
200
00:08:16,597 --> 00:08:18,993
let's do a little
- back-of-the-napkin family tree
201
00:08:19,028 --> 00:08:21,259
before we lock
any lips, okay?
202
00:08:21,294 --> 00:08:22,865
Yarael Poof, is it?
203
00:08:22,900 --> 00:08:26,099
Could you grab my spaceship and
bring it around to pick us up?
204
00:08:26,134 --> 00:08:28,134
Oh, yeah, great.
Once again,
205
00:08:28,169 --> 00:08:31,137
Yarael the Jedi Master
does the grunt work. Oy.
206
00:08:31,172 --> 00:08:33,876
[ Weakly ]
Giving you my life force.
207
00:08:33,911 --> 00:08:35,372
You're cousins!
208
00:08:36,914 --> 00:08:37,946
[ Gasps ]
209
00:08:37,981 --> 00:08:39,409
[ Crying ]
210
00:08:39,444 --> 00:08:40,784
Cousins!
211
00:08:40,819 --> 00:08:43,787
This holiday season
on the Hallmark Channel...
212
00:08:43,822 --> 00:08:46,317
I'm a recently divorced teacher
who needed a change.
213
00:08:46,352 --> 00:08:48,924
I left my phone, my laptop,
and my dignity at home
214
00:08:48,959 --> 00:08:50,288
for a week in the mountains,
215
00:08:50,323 --> 00:08:52,488
but I never thought
I'd find love amongst the trees.
216
00:08:52,523 --> 00:08:54,391
I'm a curmudgeonly
lodge rental owner
217
00:08:54,426 --> 00:08:56,360
who's never given love
a chance...
218
00:08:56,395 --> 00:08:57,966
until now.
- [ Gasps ]
219
00:08:58,001 --> 00:08:59,803
Oh, Cameron, I --
220
00:08:59,838 --> 00:09:01,035
Hold on.
221
00:09:01,070 --> 00:09:03,774
Do you feel like the trees
just got closer?
222
00:09:03,809 --> 00:09:04,709
What do you mean?
223
00:09:04,744 --> 00:09:05,644
That!
224
00:09:05,679 --> 00:09:06,810
[ Both scream ]
225
00:09:06,845 --> 00:09:08,372
We can hide out
in the lodge.
226
00:09:09,848 --> 00:09:11,716
Oh, fuck!
227
00:09:11,751 --> 00:09:13,542
Why are there so many trees
in here?
228
00:09:13,577 --> 00:09:16,083
How else will people know
it's Christmas time?
229
00:09:16,118 --> 00:09:20,054
Ohh! This is
- not love amongst the trees!
230
00:09:20,661 --> 00:09:22,958
[ Slurps ] Ahh!
231
00:09:22,993 --> 00:09:24,355
This is the life.
232
00:09:24,390 --> 00:09:25,961
I love you, Doris.
233
00:09:25,996 --> 00:09:27,325
I love you, too, Fred.
234
00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:30,900
"Pining for Tree Love 3:
Sappily Ever After."
235
00:09:30,935 --> 00:09:32,297
Only on the Hallmark Channel.
236
00:09:32,332 --> 00:09:35,300
Hallmark.
We cast more trees than people.
237
00:09:35,632 --> 00:09:37,742
Man: We did it.
We traveled through time
238
00:09:37,777 --> 00:09:39,645
and saved the world. Yeah.
239
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:42,978
Dad, when I grow up,
I'm gonna invent time travel.
240
00:09:43,013 --> 00:09:44,111
Aah!
241
00:09:44,146 --> 00:09:45,475
We are in the past.
242
00:09:45,510 --> 00:09:46,883
Where is the child?
243
00:09:46,918 --> 00:09:50,579
He is the one who will
invent time travel. Kill him.
244
00:09:50,614 --> 00:09:51,723
What did you do?
245
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:54,022
I just said,
- "I want to invent time travel."
246
00:09:54,057 --> 00:09:56,552
Where is
- the inventor of time travel?
247
00:09:56,587 --> 00:09:59,962
He must pay for what
the future has become.
248
00:10:01,966 --> 00:10:03,867
Death to the time child.
249
00:10:03,902 --> 00:10:06,595
Energy volts.
250
00:10:06,630 --> 00:10:09,202
Do not invent time travel,
young man!
251
00:10:09,237 --> 00:10:11,204
I won't. I promise.
252
00:10:11,239 --> 00:10:12,634
Oh, thank God.
253
00:10:12,669 --> 00:10:14,570
It's over.
- Good.
254
00:10:14,605 --> 00:10:17,111
Because I totally want
to invent time travel.
255
00:10:18,246 --> 00:10:21,445
The future demands
the child's death!
256
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:23,051
What's wrong with you?!
257
00:10:23,086 --> 00:10:24,382
[ Wails ]
258
00:10:25,517 --> 00:10:26,692
Aah!
- Aah!
259
00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:28,650
I am you,
but from the future.
260
00:10:28,685 --> 00:10:31,257
Inventing time travel disrupted
all of reality.
261
00:10:31,292 --> 00:10:34,293
You must give up your dream
of inventing time travel.
262
00:10:34,328 --> 00:10:36,735
Okay!
- But it would have been cool.
263
00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,935
Actually it's totally cool.
264
00:10:38,970 --> 00:10:40,365
Ha! I knew it.
265
00:10:40,873 --> 00:10:43,104
Future me!
- Oh, come on!
266
00:10:43,139 --> 00:10:45,711
Creature: Murder the Time Child!
Murder him!
267
00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:47,911
You just lost
- your TV privileges, young man.
268
00:10:47,946 --> 00:10:49,880
Oh, Dad!
269
00:10:49,915 --> 00:10:52,245
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
270
00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:54,247
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
271
00:10:54,282 --> 00:10:56,755
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
272
00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:58,581
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
273
00:10:58,616 --> 00:11:00,924
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
274
00:11:00,959 --> 00:11:02,992
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
275
00:11:03,027 --> 00:11:05,192
Ba-gawk! Bawk.
276
00:11:07,867 --> 00:11:09,262
Stoopid Monkey.
19282
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