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[ Breathing heavily ]
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Oh, my gosh.
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[ Panting ]
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It's...
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[ Theme music plays ]
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♪♪♪
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[ Laughing ]
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♪♪♪
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[ Cranking ]
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♪♪♪
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Man: It's alive!
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♪♪♪
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♪♪♪
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Get ready, rookie.
This is some sick shit.
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[ Retches ]
Narrator: McDonaldland always
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had a dirty underbelly.
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Hell, we sold that underbelly
cheap to make McRibs.
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But now someone had
whacked McCheese.
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The way he ran this town,
it could've been anybody,
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but it was my job
to figure out which anybody.
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Rabble, rabble.
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I told you,
he doesn't know anything.
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Maybe a piping-hot cup of joe
will change his mind.
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Ah!, rabble, rabble.
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The fry guys, like
a two-for-one McGriddle,
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it didn't add up.
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You salty fucks got anything,
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or should I mop
the gutter with you?
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Eat me.
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Two, four, six, eight,
fuck now you will cooperate.
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Okay, we overhead some chick
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saying the mayor was nearing
his expiration date, see?
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Chick, huh?
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And the time of death
was 4:30 a.m.
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Early, real early.
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The early bird gets the worm.
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I wasn't going to let some
burger-headed politician
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inject cheesy beef
into my daughters.
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[ Chuckles ]
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Mm-hmm.
[ Chuckles ]
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Ha, ha!
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Aah!
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Oh, my God!
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What have I done?
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Forget it, rook.
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It's McDonaldland.
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Narrator: McDonald's new
cheesy beef McNuggets.
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Your kids will kill for them.
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[ Groans ] You should've
gone for the head.
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Concussions are
nothing to joke...
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By Asgard's asshole, stop!
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Don't go, Daddy.
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I'm just going out
for cigarettes, sweetie.
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I'll be right back.
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Just try a little spinach, okay?
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Look, Mommy likes it.
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My human centipede is complete.
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I must take a picture
for Facebook.
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Oh, come on!
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Please, don't jump.
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You have so much to live for.
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Man: No, I don't.
Nobody loves me.
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That's not true.
Your mother loves you.
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Here she is.
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[ High-pitched voice ]
Oh, hello, sweetheart.
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It's your mother.
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Are you washing your underwear?
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[ Thud, crowd gasps ]
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Oh, how is that my fault?
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Mr. Peterson, before
we start your colonoscopy,
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00:02:53,004 --> 00:02:55,011
we'll inject a small bit
of air into your bowels.
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You might feel some pressure.
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Uh, Doc?
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00:03:02,010 --> 00:03:03,020
Announcer:
New from the makers of Bratz,
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more sassy dolls
with oodles of attitude.
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Here come the Brats.
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Meet Madchen...
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Am I covered in onions?
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Because when you see my style,
you'll be crying.
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...Prinzessin...
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The bigger the hot dog,
the better.
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...Bruste...
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Let's have a beach party,
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and when I turn brown,
flip me over!
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...and Trottel.
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Call me a sexy toilet
because when you see me,
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you must turd.
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- You idiot!
- You stupid!
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You ruined our commercial.
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Catch up with the Brats.
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♪ Jacking with fruit
is not the same ♪
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♪ As when you call me
by your name ♪
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For the crime of witchcraft,
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we sentence this
heathen to death.
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[ Horses neighing ]
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More horses.
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You'll never pull me apart.
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I'm Stretch fucking Armstrong!
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Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, guys. Come on.
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Yo, Joe!
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Is everyone clear
on the objective?
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- Yo, Joe!
- Yo, Joe!
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00:04:03,014 --> 00:04:04,014
No, we are not.
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This country's dictator
is a real snake.
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His people want freedom.
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So let's liberate them!
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Yo, Joe!
Yo, Joe!
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Except we actually can't do that
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because the oppressed people
have joined forces
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with terrorists.
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Good thing G.I. Joe was made
for smashing terrorists.
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Yo, Joe!
Yo, Joe-kay.
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But if we smash
these terrorists,
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we risk a nuclear conflict
with Russia.
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Snake Eyes says
the situation is fubar,
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and we should make
a strategic retreat.
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We can't do that because
the dictator
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is using chemical weapons
against children.
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Yo, Joe.
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And that's one thing G.I. Joe
won't stand for.
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Yo, Joe.
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Dusty, is there sand
in your ears?
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Removing the dictator
means the terrorists win.
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Not on my watch!
Oh, wait, Russia.
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We've got to do something.
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Good idea, Snake Eyes.
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Cross-country,
take out that hill.
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We did it!
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- Yo, Joe.
- fuck that hill.
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We are going to be here
forever, aren't we?
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Mom, why did the vet cut off
Scruffy's testicles?
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Well, Billy, they were
making Scruffy aggressive
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00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:07,025
and hard to deal with,
but he'll be much calmer now.
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Shut up!
I'm drunk.
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Anybody that bugs me is
going to get hit.
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When did you put
all these stairs in here?
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Do it.
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♪ Oh, mommy food,
dee-dee-dee-dee ♪
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♪ Daddy food, dee-dee-dee-dee
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♪ Baby food, dee-dee-dee-dee
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♪ Human food
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Aah!
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♪♪♪
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♪ Oh, kill the shark,
dee-dee-dee-dee ♪
145
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♪ Kill the shark,
dee-dee-dee-dee ♪
146
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♪ Kill the shark,
dee-dee-dee-dee ♪
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♪ Kill the shark
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00:05:38,009 --> 00:05:40,012
♪ Oh, shark BJ,
dee-dee-dee-dee ♪
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♪ I'm not gay, dee-dee-dee-dee
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♪ But it's okay,
dee-dee-dee-dee ♪
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♪ I'm dead
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♪♪♪
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♪ Oh, show your teeth,
dee-dee-dee-dee ♪
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♪ You son of a
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♪ Dee-dee-dee-dee
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♪ Now we're done,
dee-dee-dee-dee ♪
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♪ So much fun,
dee-dee-dee-dee-dee ♪
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Hi, I'm a helpful Honda guy.
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00:06:00,014 --> 00:06:01,013
I see you had some trouble.
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00:06:01,015 --> 00:06:02,020
Is there anything
I can help you with?
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00:06:02,022 --> 00:06:04,003
I've always wanted to know
the truth about
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the JonBenét Ramsey case.
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00:06:05,014 --> 00:06:06,025
Uh, I can fix your car window?
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00:06:06,027 --> 00:06:08,003
You know who had
a broken window?
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00:06:08,005 --> 00:06:09,022
JonBenét Ramsey's house.
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I mean, who did it, the parents,
the brother, a kidnapper?
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I would totally like
some help with that.
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Uh...
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This case is full
of inconsistencies...
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the hastily scribbled
ransom note,
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the time it took
to find the body,
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the undigested pineapple
in her stomach.
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It doesn't make any sense.
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Are you going to change my flat?
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You know who else had a flat?
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The back of JonBenét's skull.
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It was suicide!
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Fix my car!
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The body was found here.
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Oh, my God!
This is it.
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I know who killed JonBenét Ram...
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Aah!
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00:06:44,024 --> 00:06:46,004
Announcer:
Lease the 2019 Civic SI coupe
184
00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:48,013
for as little as $299
a month plus tax for 36 months
185
00:06:48,015 --> 00:06:50,029
or get 0.9% financing
on a 2019 Pilot.
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00:06:51,001 --> 00:06:52,024
If you have any information
about the JonBenét Ramsey
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00:06:52,026 --> 00:06:54,003
murder case, contact your local
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- Honda dealership.
- Ugh.
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00:06:55,026 --> 00:06:57,005
And that's when they realized
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00:06:57,007 --> 00:07:00,018
the voice was coming
from inside the phone.
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Okay, cool.
192
00:07:01,028 --> 00:07:03,029
Anyone have a story
that's actually scary?
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00:07:04,001 --> 00:07:05,006
I've got one.
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00:07:05,008 --> 00:07:07,000
Submitted for the approval
of the Midnight Society,
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00:07:07,002 --> 00:07:10,020
The Tale of the High School
of Doom.
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00:07:10,022 --> 00:07:14,017
It was just another day
until shadowy figure appeared.
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00:07:14,019 --> 00:07:16,000
[ Evil laughter ]
And in its hand was...
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00:07:16,002 --> 00:07:19,000
A reverse diary that tells
the future instead of the past.
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00:07:19,002 --> 00:07:20,442
A Trapper Keeper once
owned by Satan.
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00:07:21,001 --> 00:07:23,018
Its other hand because
it was chopped off!
201
00:07:23,020 --> 00:07:26,024
No, it was an AR-15.
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00:07:26,026 --> 00:07:28,028
I'm an outcast,
and you bullied me maybe.
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00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:30,013
My motivations aren't
super clear because
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00:07:30,015 --> 00:07:31,022
I'm a teenager with
underdeveloped control
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00:07:31,024 --> 00:07:34,010
of my emotions, and now
I'm going to take my revenge.
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00:07:34,012 --> 00:07:35,024
- Yeah!
- Betty Anne, I'm going to stop
207
00:07:35,026 --> 00:07:37,028
you right there because this...
not a scary story.
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00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,010
Oh, yes, it is.
209
00:07:39,012 --> 00:07:41,019
I vote to banish Betty Anne
from the society.
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00:07:41,021 --> 00:07:42,028
Her story isn't scary.
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00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,001
It's just real life.
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00:07:44,003 --> 00:07:46,005
Real life is the scariest
tale of all.
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00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:47,024
I'm chilled to the bone.
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00:07:47,026 --> 00:07:49,029
I didn't shit my pants,
but it's, like, half out.
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00:07:50,001 --> 00:07:51,006
Everyone, shut up!
216
00:07:51,008 --> 00:07:52,021
You're ruining Midnight Society.
217
00:07:52,023 --> 00:07:54,002
I'm so mad!
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00:07:54,004 --> 00:07:55,027
- What?
- Oh, my God!
219
00:07:55,029 --> 00:07:57,018
- Go, go, go!
- He's got a gun!
220
00:07:59,006 --> 00:08:00,024
Aaah!
221
00:08:00,026 --> 00:08:02,024
[ Coughs, grunts ]
222
00:08:03,019 --> 00:08:05,008
Did that count as real life?
223
00:08:05,010 --> 00:08:08,001
Because that was scary as fuck
224
00:08:08,003 --> 00:08:10,043
Gentlemen, our time of reckoning
swiftly approaches.
225
00:08:11,001 --> 00:08:15,000
Soon we will kill Ethan Hunt
and his mission impossible team.
226
00:08:15,002 --> 00:08:18,006
- Oh, yeah?
- Ethan Hunt!
227
00:08:18,008 --> 00:08:19,027
Guard, shoot him!
228
00:08:19,029 --> 00:08:21,017
Sorry, sir, but...
229
00:08:21,019 --> 00:08:24,024
[ Grunts ]
I'm really Ethan Hunt!
230
00:08:24,026 --> 00:08:27,006
[ Grunts ]
I'm really your bodyguard.
231
00:08:27,008 --> 00:08:29,005
That's funny because
I'm really...
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00:08:29,007 --> 00:08:30,027
[grunts] the dog!
233
00:08:30,029 --> 00:08:32,027
Wait! What?
234
00:08:32,029 --> 00:08:34,000
[ Barks ]
235
00:08:34,002 --> 00:08:35,024
Ethan Hunt.
236
00:08:35,026 --> 00:08:40,003
Well, if we're all coming
clean, I'm actually...
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00:08:40,005 --> 00:08:42,007
[ Grunts ]
238
00:08:42,009 --> 00:08:44,002
I forgot my mask.
239
00:08:46,019 --> 00:08:49,003
For our final challenge,
each of you will be creating
240
00:08:49,005 --> 00:08:51,020
dishes made with an ingredient
you fear most.
241
00:08:51,022 --> 00:08:55,006
Bob Belcher, the man who forces
his children to work for free
242
00:08:55,008 --> 00:08:58,009
and still can't turn a profit,
gets a pigeon.
243
00:08:58,011 --> 00:09:00,008
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
244
00:09:00,010 --> 00:09:03,006
For Alfredo Linguini,
a French chef so bad
245
00:09:03,008 --> 00:09:06,003
they named him after cheap,
wet Italian noodles, a rat!
246
00:09:06,005 --> 00:09:07,013
Sacré blue!
247
00:09:07,015 --> 00:09:10,003
For SpongeBob SquarePants,
water!
248
00:09:10,005 --> 00:09:14,002
Water?! You live in the sea,
you festering gutter slob!
249
00:09:14,004 --> 00:09:15,026
But I can't swim, Chef!
250
00:09:15,028 --> 00:09:17,013
It's "Yes, Chef,"
251
00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:20,007
you piss-colored
tampon alternative!
252
00:09:20,009 --> 00:09:22,025
Finally for Chef,
who's cuisine and character
253
00:09:22,027 --> 00:09:25,011
is a little two-dimensional,
thetans,
254
00:09:25,013 --> 00:09:27,024
a.k.a. the souls
of dead aliens.
255
00:09:27,026 --> 00:09:29,028
[ Chuckles ]
STDs are actually
256
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,019
my biggest fear, children.
257
00:09:31,021 --> 00:09:34,007
Contestants, start cooking now!
258
00:09:34,009 --> 00:09:36,009
I'm making open-faced
Krabby Patties
259
00:09:36,011 --> 00:09:39,024
with a cherry tomato
remoulade and a glass of
260
00:09:39,026 --> 00:09:42,003
w-w-w-w-water.
261
00:09:42,005 --> 00:09:44,010
Aah, it got on me.
I'll drown!
262
00:09:44,012 --> 00:09:46,002
Aaah!
263
00:09:46,004 --> 00:09:48,004
Fire!
It's impossible to put out!
264
00:09:48,006 --> 00:09:50,017
I'm making
feta-stuffed-pigeon burgers
265
00:09:50,019 --> 00:09:52,016
if I can open my eyes.
266
00:09:52,018 --> 00:09:54,011
[ Groans ]
Ah, oh, my heart.
267
00:09:54,013 --> 00:09:58,003
Tell Tina "Me too"
goes both ways.
268
00:09:58,014 --> 00:10:01,019
I'm making a linguini rat-fredo,
if I could just get my hands
269
00:10:01,021 --> 00:10:03,015
to chop off
this rat's God darn...
270
00:10:03,017 --> 00:10:04,016
Don't do it!
271
00:10:04,018 --> 00:10:06,009
That's my Uncle Joey.
272
00:10:07,006 --> 00:10:09,008
Aaah!
273
00:10:09,010 --> 00:10:11,025
I'm making a thetan
lava cake, children.
274
00:10:11,027 --> 00:10:13,016
Just need to pour the thetans
275
00:10:13,018 --> 00:10:15,015
into the chocolate
volcano and...
276
00:10:15,017 --> 00:10:16,010
Oh, shit!
277
00:10:16,012 --> 00:10:18,025
Everyone, I'm going clear!
278
00:10:18,027 --> 00:10:20,004
Pew, pew, pew!
279
00:10:20,006 --> 00:10:22,001
Got one!
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!
280
00:10:22,003 --> 00:10:24,011
- Aaaah!
- Hide and cover! Hide and cover!
281
00:10:24,013 --> 00:10:26,017
Aaaah!
282
00:10:26,019 --> 00:10:29,003
Thetans, you absolute donkeys!
283
00:10:29,005 --> 00:10:32,014
Either make me a risotto
or get the fuck out.
284
00:10:32,016 --> 00:10:34,021
- Yes, Chef.
- Yes, Chef.
285
00:10:34,023 --> 00:10:38,017
♪♪♪
286
00:10:38,019 --> 00:10:39,022
[ Slurps ]
287
00:10:39,024 --> 00:10:42,017
This risotto is...
288
00:10:42,019 --> 00:10:44,015
out of this world!
289
00:10:44,017 --> 00:10:47,009
The winner is Scientology!
290
00:10:47,011 --> 00:10:49,026
[ Cheering ]
291
00:10:49,028 --> 00:10:50,027
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
292
00:10:50,029 --> 00:10:52,007
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
293
00:10:52,009 --> 00:10:54,007
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
294
00:10:54,009 --> 00:10:55,012
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
295
00:10:55,014 --> 00:10:56,022
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
296
00:10:56,024 --> 00:10:58,017
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
297
00:10:58,019 --> 00:10:59,017
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
298
00:10:59,019 --> 00:11:00,027
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
299
00:11:00,029 --> 00:11:02,027
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
300
00:11:02,029 --> 00:11:05,003
Ba-gawk! Bawk.
20770
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