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1
00:00:03,370 --> 00:00:04,804
[ Whirring ]
2
00:00:04,871 --> 00:00:06,806
[ Theme music plays ]
3
00:00:06,873 --> 00:00:08,908
♪♪
4
00:00:08,975 --> 00:00:10,477
[ Whirring ]
5
00:00:10,543 --> 00:00:18,218
♪♪
6
00:00:18,284 --> 00:00:20,120
Man: It's alive!
7
00:00:20,186 --> 00:00:29,429
♪♪
8
00:00:29,496 --> 00:00:38,772
♪♪
9
00:00:38,838 --> 00:00:41,408
Yay, Slinky!
How do you like it?!
10
00:00:41,474 --> 00:00:43,276
Terrifying, eh?
A bit nauseous?
11
00:00:43,343 --> 00:00:45,645
Don't you love being
thrown down the stairs?!
12
00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:48,014
Oh, look! You didn't make it
all the way down.
13
00:00:48,081 --> 00:00:50,049
I'll tell you what,
we'll try again.
14
00:00:50,116 --> 00:00:51,951
Slinky, why?!
15
00:00:52,018 --> 00:00:56,423
For my people!
For my people!
16
00:00:56,489 --> 00:00:58,658
Just turned 37.
17
00:01:02,295 --> 00:01:05,265
Captain Planet, there's smog
emergency here in China.
18
00:01:05,331 --> 00:01:06,633
Oh, Planeteers, great.
19
00:01:06,699 --> 00:01:08,935
Let me just press pause
on that dump I was gonna take.
20
00:01:10,570 --> 00:01:12,639
[ Coughing ] How many times do I
have to tell people,
21
00:01:12,705 --> 00:01:14,641
air pollution is a huge problem!
22
00:01:14,707 --> 00:01:18,044
Captain, there has been oil
spill at Dakota Access Pipeline.
23
00:01:18,111 --> 00:01:20,045
We've gone over this so often.
24
00:01:20,113 --> 00:01:21,681
Oil spills are deadly
25
00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:23,616
for the indigenous
creatures of this planet!
26
00:01:23,683 --> 00:01:26,019
Captain, Captain!
27
00:01:26,085 --> 00:01:27,353
Shut the Fuck up,
all right?!
28
00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:29,021
I'm not gonna keep
saving this planet
29
00:01:29,088 --> 00:01:30,957
if you people are just
gonna keep destroying it!
30
00:01:31,024 --> 00:01:32,459
But you have always helped us.
31
00:01:32,525 --> 00:01:34,060
And it's a losing battle, Linka.
32
00:01:34,127 --> 00:01:36,963
I'm just making up beds
in a burning house here! Yeah.
33
00:01:37,030 --> 00:01:39,132
Captain Planet,
what's going on?
34
00:01:39,199 --> 00:01:41,935
The humans of the earth
are ruining you, Gaia.
35
00:01:42,001 --> 00:01:43,937
Now, I've tried to teach them,
but it's no use!
36
00:01:44,003 --> 00:01:45,738
We have to start over.
37
00:01:45,805 --> 00:01:48,308
So be it.
What is happening?!
38
00:01:48,374 --> 00:01:52,045
Children of humanity,
today is your judgment day!
39
00:01:52,110 --> 00:01:54,747
[ Screaming,
Captain Planet laughing ]
40
00:01:54,814 --> 00:01:58,985
I'm Captain Planet!
41
00:01:59,051 --> 00:02:01,721
I'm taking out the trash!
42
00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:04,257
[ Screaming ]
43
00:02:04,324 --> 00:02:09,795
♪♪
44
00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:11,664
What are you going to do
with all your free time now?
45
00:02:11,731 --> 00:02:14,067
I don't know. I still got
that dump on deck.
46
00:02:14,133 --> 00:02:16,436
Kiss me!
47
00:02:16,503 --> 00:02:18,404
Where's this man who says
he knows where my uncle
48
00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:22,208
Benjen is?
49
00:02:22,275 --> 00:02:25,245
For the watch.
For the watch.
50
00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:27,814
-For the watch.
-For the watch.
51
00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:29,215
It was slice to know you!
52
00:02:29,282 --> 00:02:30,517
What the hell was that?
53
00:02:30,583 --> 00:02:31,784
Oh, I was just mixing it up.
54
00:02:31,851 --> 00:02:34,521
No. We're all supposed
to say "For the watch."
55
00:02:34,587 --> 00:02:36,322
That's the point --
for the watch, everyone.
56
00:02:36,389 --> 00:02:37,991
But so many people
had said that already.
57
00:02:38,057 --> 00:02:39,726
I think he's got the point.
58
00:02:39,792 --> 00:02:41,694
"Got the point!" Oh!
59
00:02:41,761 --> 00:02:42,962
Should I stab him
again and say that?
60
00:02:43,029 --> 00:02:44,564
Yeah, you got the point!
No.
61
00:02:44,631 --> 00:02:46,165
Hey, what about, "Sorry, Jon.
62
00:02:46,232 --> 00:02:48,401
I know I've always been
kind of a prick."
63
00:02:48,468 --> 00:02:50,036
Ha ha ha!
'Cause the sharp thing.
64
00:02:50,103 --> 00:02:52,572
[ Laughing ]
That's good!
65
00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:56,341
It's "For
the Fucking watch!"
66
00:02:56,409 --> 00:02:59,379
Now say it.
Fine. Sorry, guys, sorry.
67
00:02:59,445 --> 00:03:02,615
I'm sorry.
For the watch...
68
00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:04,751
me stab you! Yeah!
69
00:03:04,817 --> 00:03:06,419
Stop it!
70
00:03:06,486 --> 00:03:08,588
Po! Po!
71
00:03:08,655 --> 00:03:10,089
La-la! La-la!
Po!
72
00:03:10,156 --> 00:03:11,991
[ Giggling ]
73
00:03:12,058 --> 00:03:13,693
Po! Po!
74
00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,428
La-la! La-la!
75
00:03:15,495 --> 00:03:17,931
♪♪
76
00:03:17,997 --> 00:03:20,733
Oh, my fucking God! Shut up!
77
00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:24,070
I'm tires of wasting my life
as your captive audience!
78
00:03:24,137 --> 00:03:26,272
[ Groans ]
79
00:03:26,339 --> 00:03:27,874
Well, it happened --
80
00:03:27,941 --> 00:03:29,576
I spent my entire life
81
00:03:29,642 --> 00:03:33,046
watching you monkey-faced
dildos bounce around,
82
00:03:33,112 --> 00:03:34,914
and now my life is over.
83
00:03:34,981 --> 00:03:37,817
But I'm getting
the last laugh, fools!
84
00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:39,752
[ Laughing ]
85
00:03:39,819 --> 00:03:41,754
[ Groans ]
86
00:03:41,821 --> 00:03:45,024
Huh?
87
00:03:45,091 --> 00:03:47,226
[ Ice shattering ]
88
00:03:47,293 --> 00:03:50,163
Solve the riddle
of the sphinx or die!
89
00:03:50,228 --> 00:03:54,367
Here it is. Cameron Crowe's
1992 grunge opus.
90
00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:56,569
That's the riddle?
Solve it or die!
91
00:03:56,636 --> 00:03:59,172
Seven letters, second
to last letter is an "E."
92
00:03:59,238 --> 00:04:01,207
Are you working on
a crossword puzzle?
93
00:04:01,274 --> 00:04:03,343
That's none of your concern.
94
00:04:03,409 --> 00:04:07,447
Uh, I'm pretty sure that
movie was called "Singles."
95
00:04:07,513 --> 00:04:09,682
Go ahead. You may pass.
96
00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:12,018
Answer my riddle or die.
97
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:13,252
Another one?
98
00:04:13,319 --> 00:04:14,754
Okay.
Here it is!
99
00:04:14,821 --> 00:04:18,156
Do you want to watch "Singles"
at my house tonight?
100
00:04:18,224 --> 00:04:19,892
Bridget Fonda just wants a guy
101
00:04:19,959 --> 00:04:22,095
to say "bless you"
when she sneezes.
102
00:04:22,161 --> 00:04:23,596
That part will be
important later.
103
00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:27,332
Yeah, I saw this movie in 1992.
I can't stop watching it.
104
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:29,335
I've seen it five
times this week.
105
00:04:29,402 --> 00:04:31,604
Thanks for the recommendation.
It wasn't really a --
106
00:04:31,671 --> 00:04:33,806
Riddle me this -- do you want
to go in the bedroom?
107
00:04:33,873 --> 00:04:35,775
Do I die if I answer
incorrectly?
108
00:04:35,842 --> 00:04:39,379
Only of horniness! Ha ha ha.
Sorry. I'm nervous.
109
00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:41,314
Argh!
110
00:04:41,381 --> 00:04:44,584
Uh, how did you get lion herpes?
111
00:04:44,651 --> 00:04:46,085
It's a riddle.
112
00:04:46,152 --> 00:04:47,520
Whistle
if you need anything.
113
00:04:47,587 --> 00:04:49,589
You know how to whistle,
don't you, Steve?
114
00:04:49,656 --> 00:04:53,626
Sure, you just put your
lips together and you blow.
115
00:04:53,693 --> 00:04:55,561
'Course I do.
116
00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:59,565
[ Sputtering ]
117
00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:03,803
Good night, Steve.
118
00:05:03,870 --> 00:05:06,906
And in the wake of today's
tragic shooting here in Houston,
119
00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:11,144
I want to offer my prayers to
my families who lost loved ones.
120
00:05:11,210 --> 00:05:13,046
April O'Neil, New York
Channel 6 News.
121
00:05:13,112 --> 00:05:15,148
Mr. Mayor, what connection
does the evil Shredder
122
00:05:15,214 --> 00:05:17,150
have to today's shooting?
I'm not sure what you mean.
123
00:05:17,216 --> 00:05:19,952
There was a single suspect who
later turned the gun on himself.
124
00:05:20,019 --> 00:05:22,288
Mm-hmm. Is it time to bring
in some new crime fighters?
125
00:05:22,355 --> 00:05:23,656
I'm afraid we don't
have the budget
126
00:05:23,723 --> 00:05:24,957
for additional law enforcement.
127
00:05:25,024 --> 00:05:27,193
I specifically meant the
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
128
00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:30,229
I assume that's a private
security company.
129
00:05:30,296 --> 00:05:32,131
More guns on the streets
aren't the answer.
130
00:05:32,198 --> 00:05:34,567
They don't use guns,
they use katanas, bo staffs,
131
00:05:34,634 --> 00:05:36,836
nunchucks, and fork-like
weapons called sais,
132
00:05:36,903 --> 00:05:39,005
which were popularized by
Frank Miller's "Electra" comics.
133
00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:40,273
What are you wearing?
134
00:05:40,339 --> 00:05:41,441
Standard issue
reporter jumpsuit.
135
00:05:41,507 --> 00:05:42,508
Dude, let her wear it.
136
00:05:42,575 --> 00:05:44,877
You're asking if
the City of Houston
137
00:05:44,944 --> 00:05:46,245
should hire ninjas?
138
00:05:46,312 --> 00:05:47,547
Yeah, they mostly
work for pizza.
139
00:05:47,613 --> 00:05:50,316
Miss O'Neil, what are you
credentials exactly?
140
00:05:50,383 --> 00:05:53,186
I am a ravishing reporter,
and sometimes a trained ninja,
141
00:05:53,252 --> 00:05:54,554
depending on which
timeline we're in.
142
00:05:54,620 --> 00:05:55,588
Uh, who's next? You.
143
00:05:55,655 --> 00:05:57,256
J. Jonah Jameson,
"Daily Bugle."
144
00:05:57,323 --> 00:05:59,125
I demand you arrest Spider-Man.
145
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,493
He's a menace!
146
00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:03,162
May I present to you
the ninth wonder of the world --
147
00:06:03,229 --> 00:06:06,165
the only flying
elephant -- Dumbo!
148
00:06:06,232 --> 00:06:07,467
[ Crows laughing ]
149
00:06:07,533 --> 00:06:09,302
Did you ever see
an elephant fly?
150
00:06:09,368 --> 00:06:12,171
-I've seen a horse-fly.
-I've seen a dragonfly.
151
00:06:12,238 --> 00:06:13,372
I've seen a house fly.
152
00:06:13,439 --> 00:06:15,842
I've seen
a man eat his own butt!
153
00:06:17,477 --> 00:06:19,612
Oh, what, we're not
sharing anymore?
154
00:06:21,614 --> 00:06:22,982
Angela?
155
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,384
Slender Man, I knew
you'd find me one day.
156
00:06:25,451 --> 00:06:27,854
I drew your picture
all over my Trapper Keeper.
157
00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:30,456
I need you to do things,
Angela.
158
00:06:30,523 --> 00:06:32,258
Anything for you,
o Slender Man.
159
00:06:32,325 --> 00:06:35,895
You know that little bitch
in your math class -- Nicole?!
160
00:06:35,962 --> 00:06:37,396
Yes, I hate her!
161
00:06:37,463 --> 00:06:40,032
What do you want me to do,
stab her, burn her -- what?
162
00:06:40,099 --> 00:06:42,135
Invite her to
your birthday party.
163
00:06:42,201 --> 00:06:43,669
Um, what? Why?
164
00:06:43,736 --> 00:06:45,404
It's time you two
settled your differences.
165
00:06:45,471 --> 00:06:47,106
Be the bigger person.
But I hate her!
166
00:06:47,173 --> 00:06:48,541
Don't fucking] argue
with me, Angela!
167
00:06:48,608 --> 00:06:49,976
I'm fucking Slender Man!
168
00:06:50,042 --> 00:06:51,277
Okay, okay.
169
00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:53,913
I need you to do something else.
Anything!
170
00:06:53,980 --> 00:06:56,015
Try to study an extra
30 minutes a day.
171
00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:57,683
I think you'll see a marked
improvement in your grades.
172
00:06:57,750 --> 00:06:58,683
Uh...
173
00:06:58,751 --> 00:06:59,986
You said you'd do
anything
174
00:07:00,052 --> 00:07:01,120
for Slender Man!
175
00:07:01,187 --> 00:07:03,256
Is 30 minutes a day
too fucking much to ask,
176
00:07:03,322 --> 00:07:04,957
or should I go and ask
that bitch Nicole?!
177
00:07:05,024 --> 00:07:08,761
No, no, I'll do it!
Now I must go...
178
00:07:08,828 --> 00:07:10,897
[ Whooshing ]
179
00:07:10,963 --> 00:07:13,099
Uh, hi, Nicole.
Happy birthday, Angela.
180
00:07:13,166 --> 00:07:15,101
I'm so glad you invited
me to your party.
181
00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:19,071
Angela! I need you
to do something for me.
182
00:07:19,138 --> 00:07:20,640
More caky for Slendy?
183
00:07:20,706 --> 00:07:24,544
Ugh! Never meet your heroes!
184
00:07:24,610 --> 00:07:25,745
Dear diary.
185
00:07:25,812 --> 00:07:27,680
I wonder what I look like.
186
00:07:27,747 --> 00:07:30,582
Am I beautiful? Am I ugly?
187
00:07:30,650 --> 00:07:32,485
Will I ever know love?
188
00:07:32,552 --> 00:07:34,020
Why won't Kevin look at me?
189
00:07:36,022 --> 00:07:38,191
Uh! What does the surgeon
general know.
190
00:07:38,257 --> 00:07:40,159
He's probably full of shit!
191
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:43,763
♪♪
192
00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:46,299
Parker, never come in here
without new Spider-Man photos.
193
00:07:46,365 --> 00:07:47,466
I need more, more, more!
194
00:07:47,533 --> 00:07:48,835
I've got one right here,
Mr. Jameson!
195
00:07:48,901 --> 00:07:51,003
Gimme that! Get out!
You have more? Get out!
196
00:07:51,070 --> 00:07:53,906
♪♪
197
00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:56,742
True love -- so pure, so secret.
198
00:07:56,808 --> 00:08:00,246
Will I ever really know you,
my Spider-Man?
199
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:03,282
Honey, listen, I love that
we work together at the CIA,
200
00:08:03,349 --> 00:08:05,451
but you have to tell me
when you come home early.
201
00:08:05,518 --> 00:08:06,552
What's going on?
202
00:08:06,619 --> 00:08:08,187
Baby, this guy is
a Russian agent
203
00:08:08,254 --> 00:08:10,156
who had plastic surgery
to take my place.
204
00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:11,390
Just shoot him!
No, baby,
205
00:08:11,457 --> 00:08:12,425
he is the Russian agent!
206
00:08:12,491 --> 00:08:13,893
There's only one way to be sure.
207
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:16,128
I'm gonna ask you a question
that only my husband would know.
208
00:08:16,195 --> 00:08:17,530
What's my favorite TV show.
209
00:08:17,597 --> 00:08:19,465
Oh, I know, uh,
"American Pickers."
210
00:08:19,532 --> 00:08:21,167
"Price is Right"?
Okay, strike that.
211
00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:22,435
When's my birthday?
212
00:08:22,501 --> 00:08:23,703
I should know that.
213
00:08:23,769 --> 00:08:24,971
I should know that, too.
214
00:08:25,037 --> 00:08:26,172
Uh, fine, whatever!
215
00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:27,673
Okay, quick, what do
I like most in bed?
216
00:08:27,740 --> 00:08:30,509
Oh, uh -- is it butt stuff?
Oh, when I come first!
217
00:08:30,576 --> 00:08:32,078
Screw it.
218
00:08:34,679 --> 00:08:37,717
So you see it was not a stone
that made the soup,
219
00:08:37,783 --> 00:08:40,385
it was all of you
contributing ingredients.
220
00:08:40,453 --> 00:08:42,621
And it was a huge shocker
that none of you,
221
00:08:42,688 --> 00:08:47,360
not a single one figured it out.
222
00:08:47,426 --> 00:08:50,997
Never speak a word about
this communal embarrassment.
223
00:08:51,063 --> 00:08:53,065
Agreed?
All: Agreed!
224
00:08:53,132 --> 00:08:55,568
You have had
an interesting week.
225
00:08:55,635 --> 00:08:58,771
Your mother said the EMTs
were called to your house.
226
00:08:58,838 --> 00:09:00,239
Yes.
And they had to use
227
00:09:00,306 --> 00:09:01,540
the jaws of life.
228
00:09:01,607 --> 00:09:02,975
I do not know because
I was unconscious.
229
00:09:03,042 --> 00:09:05,144
Because your penis was...
230
00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:06,779
Stuck in the vacuum cleaner.
231
00:09:06,846 --> 00:09:09,615
Because...
Ugh...
232
00:09:09,682 --> 00:09:12,451
I wanted to see what it was like
to get a BJ from a Transformer.
233
00:09:12,518 --> 00:09:14,353
Before you say anything,
it's less weird than you think
234
00:09:14,420 --> 00:09:15,955
because Transformers
have gender,
235
00:09:16,022 --> 00:09:17,790
and some of the character
designs are really sexy.
236
00:09:17,857 --> 00:09:19,225
And also on a tangential note,
237
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:21,227
vacuum cleaners really need
a dead man's switch,
238
00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:23,162
like lawn mowers
for obvious reasons.
239
00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:27,466
Okay. There's nothing wrong
with having a rich fantasy life.
240
00:09:27,533 --> 00:09:31,103
But when an individual
can't discern imagination
241
00:09:31,170 --> 00:09:32,838
from reality...
Agh!
242
00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:34,307
What's wrong?
There's a yellow-eyed,
243
00:09:34,373 --> 00:09:37,143
gray-skinned, big, fat dead
circus freak in the closet!
244
00:09:37,209 --> 00:09:38,377
Sounds like my mother-in-law.
245
00:09:38,444 --> 00:09:40,613
Ha, I'm just kidding.
Her eyes are hazel.
246
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:43,082
But let's get back to these
worrisome delusions
247
00:09:43,149 --> 00:09:44,483
about pop culture.
248
00:09:44,550 --> 00:09:46,352
Hello, sailor.
Oh, my gosh!
249
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,888
It's Aubrey Plaza
from "Parks and Recreation,"
250
00:09:48,955 --> 00:09:50,923
popularly shortened
to "Parks and Rec."
251
00:09:50,990 --> 00:09:53,326
And when I say popularly,
that is a relative term,
252
00:09:53,392 --> 00:09:55,461
because, boy, were
your ratings terrible.
253
00:09:55,528 --> 00:09:56,829
No offense.
Shh. It's me --
254
00:09:56,896 --> 00:09:58,064
your old pal Lenny.
255
00:09:58,130 --> 00:09:59,932
Is Nick Offerman really earthy?
256
00:09:59,999 --> 00:10:02,802
He seems really earthy.
He loves woodworking.
257
00:10:02,868 --> 00:10:04,470
The man's a treasure,
but damn it, kid,
258
00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:06,005
this is "Legion" on FX.
259
00:10:06,072 --> 00:10:07,907
Didn't the hog-beast
in the closet tip you off?
260
00:10:07,974 --> 00:10:09,809
Wait, Chris Christie
is on "Legion"?
261
00:10:09,875 --> 00:10:11,911
Listen, you have hidden powers!
262
00:10:11,978 --> 00:10:14,013
You can alter time and space.
263
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:15,314
I can?!
264
00:10:15,381 --> 00:10:17,083
And once we team up,
the two of us will--
265
00:10:17,149 --> 00:10:21,354
Aagh! Oh, shit!
Forget it, he's gone.
266
00:10:21,420 --> 00:10:24,056
He's a teenage boy
with the powers of a god.
267
00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:26,192
He could be on Jupiter
for all we know.
268
00:10:26,258 --> 00:10:29,061
He could be anywhere,
doing anything!
269
00:10:31,564 --> 00:10:34,767
What are you doing
with my vacuum cleaner?!
270
00:10:34,834 --> 00:10:36,235
Nothing, Mom! Gosh!
271
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:38,337
Oh, it looked like
your penis was in it!
272
00:10:38,404 --> 00:10:39,905
I'm -- I'm burning toast.
273
00:10:39,972 --> 00:10:41,307
Phew!
274
00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:44,477
Called upon the fight
the Decepticons once again,
275
00:10:44,543 --> 00:10:47,913
Autobots transform
and suck the--
276
00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:50,349
Agh!
277
00:10:50,415 --> 00:10:57,056
[ Screaming continues ]
278
00:10:57,123 --> 00:10:59,859
[ Screaming stops,
vacuum motor whirring ]
279
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,035
Stupid monkey.
18963
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