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1
00:00:03,303 --> 00:00:04,904
[ Whirring ]
2
00:00:04,971 --> 00:00:07,006
[ Theme music plays ]
3
00:00:09,442 --> 00:00:11,378
[ Whirring ]
4
00:00:11,444 --> 00:00:18,218
♪♪
5
00:00:18,284 --> 00:00:19,652
Man: It's alive!
6
00:00:19,719 --> 00:00:23,656
♪♪
7
00:00:23,723 --> 00:00:27,694
♪♪
8
00:00:27,761 --> 00:00:28,828
[ Thunder rumbles ]
9
00:00:28,895 --> 00:00:33,500
♪♪
10
00:00:33,566 --> 00:00:38,204
♪♪
11
00:00:38,271 --> 00:00:40,206
You'll never get me to talk.
12
00:00:40,273 --> 00:00:44,010
Perhaps you'd like to see your
wife again, Mr. Potato Head.
13
00:00:44,077 --> 00:00:47,580
No! No! No!
14
00:00:49,749 --> 00:00:52,886
Archie, you better not
be up to any mischief,
15
00:00:52,952 --> 00:00:54,320
or it's detention.
16
00:00:54,387 --> 00:00:55,922
Gosh, Miss Grundy,
I don't have time for mischief,
17
00:00:55,989 --> 00:00:58,091
what, with all
the homework you give us.
18
00:00:58,158 --> 00:01:00,026
Oh, wow.
It's so hot.
19
00:01:00,093 --> 00:01:04,230
Oh, my! That is some grade-A
ginger beef right there.
20
00:01:04,297 --> 00:01:06,499
Ahem, give you
a lift home, Archie?
21
00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:08,535
Jeepers, Miss Grundy,
that would be swell.
22
00:01:08,601 --> 00:01:10,703
Listen, Archie,
you're never going to get
23
00:01:10,770 --> 00:01:12,238
a passing grade
in my class.
24
00:01:12,305 --> 00:01:13,706
Aw, shucks.
25
00:01:13,773 --> 00:01:17,143
However, I'll give you an "A"
if you give me the "D"...
26
00:01:17,210 --> 00:01:19,179
in the "A."
27
00:01:19,245 --> 00:01:22,916
Oh, Archie! Oh!
28
00:01:22,982 --> 00:01:25,218
Oh, why can't I resist
that silver minx?
29
00:01:25,285 --> 00:01:28,420
She's like a fine steak,
aged to perfection.
30
00:01:28,488 --> 00:01:30,623
-Oopsy!
-Oh!
31
00:01:30,690 --> 00:01:32,392
[ Both moaning ]
32
00:01:32,459 --> 00:01:34,961
-Oh, Archie!
-Oh, Miss Grundy!
33
00:01:35,027 --> 00:01:37,896
-Call me Geraldine.
-Well, somehow that's
even grosser sounding
34
00:01:37,964 --> 00:01:39,365
than Miss Grundy.
35
00:01:39,432 --> 00:01:42,001
Mmm, mmm! Oh, your tongue
is rough. Hmm.
36
00:01:42,068 --> 00:01:43,436
You've a bad girl,
Miss Grundy!
37
00:01:43,503 --> 00:01:44,637
Is that
the best you've got?
38
00:01:44,704 --> 00:01:46,706
Hi, I'm producer
Greg Berlanti.
39
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:48,640
You're watching the original
un-aired pilot
40
00:01:48,708 --> 00:01:50,376
for "Riverdale" on the CW.
41
00:01:50,443 --> 00:01:52,145
The first note
from the network was
42
00:01:52,212 --> 00:01:53,746
"For the love of all
that's holy,
43
00:01:53,813 --> 00:01:57,150
please make Miss Grundy 22
instead of 82."
44
00:01:57,217 --> 00:01:58,218
Bad note, but whatevs.
45
00:01:58,283 --> 00:02:00,320
Their second note
was to definitely
46
00:02:00,386 --> 00:02:02,455
cut this next part
out of the script.
47
00:02:02,522 --> 00:02:05,258
Who's up for a human
centipede --
48
00:02:05,325 --> 00:02:08,193
with cheese?!
49
00:02:08,261 --> 00:02:11,931
Encyclopedia Brown, who forgot
to flush the toilet again?
50
00:02:11,998 --> 00:02:13,266
For the answer
to the mystery
51
00:02:13,333 --> 00:02:15,134
of who forgot to flush
the toilet again,
52
00:02:15,201 --> 00:02:18,304
turn to page 196.
53
00:02:18,371 --> 00:02:21,107
It was me!
54
00:02:21,174 --> 00:02:23,376
I hate snakes, Jock,
I hate 'em!
55
00:02:23,443 --> 00:02:27,079
Henry, I know you're taking
the divorce very hard,
56
00:02:27,146 --> 00:02:28,715
but there's someone
I want you to meet.
57
00:02:28,781 --> 00:02:30,950
Steven?
-Hiya, sssport!
58
00:02:31,017 --> 00:02:34,954
Your mom sssays you're
a real sspecial guy!
59
00:02:35,021 --> 00:02:37,156
How'd you like
a catchersss mitt?
60
00:02:37,223 --> 00:02:39,526
Huh, little man?
-I'll never love you!
61
00:02:39,591 --> 00:02:41,160
Henry! Oh!
62
00:02:41,227 --> 00:02:43,228
Give him sssome time.
63
00:02:45,932 --> 00:02:47,834
You've got a ssswell...
64
00:02:47,901 --> 00:02:51,204
ssssssson there.
65
00:02:51,271 --> 00:02:54,874
[ Applause ]
66
00:02:54,941 --> 00:02:57,911
Hey, legless,
you're in my seat.
67
00:02:57,977 --> 00:03:01,314
Now, sssir,
you're sssloshed.
68
00:03:01,381 --> 00:03:05,051
I think it would be better
for everyone if you'd ssscram.
69
00:03:05,118 --> 00:03:09,822
Why don't you unhinge that jaw
and ssssuck my cock?
70
00:03:09,889 --> 00:03:11,925
Stop!
You'll kill him!
71
00:03:11,991 --> 00:03:13,026
Aah!
72
00:03:13,092 --> 00:03:14,294
I don't know, Indy,
73
00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:16,262
it doesn't sound like any of
that was the snake's fault.
74
00:03:16,329 --> 00:03:19,566
Also,
he swallowed my mother.
75
00:03:19,632 --> 00:03:22,201
Wow, talk about
burying the lead.
76
00:03:22,268 --> 00:03:24,404
Rock, paper, scissors.
77
00:03:24,470 --> 00:03:28,274
Shoot! Oh!
Rock beats scissors.
78
00:03:28,341 --> 00:03:32,312
Narrator:
Edward threw "paper" that time,
but how could she know?
79
00:03:32,378 --> 00:03:35,081
How could she know?
80
00:03:35,148 --> 00:03:37,417
Man: As kids, we attained
the ability to transform
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00:03:37,483 --> 00:03:38,985
into any animal we touched.
82
00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:41,988
Yeah, we're Animorphs,
and we're in college, yo!
83
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,991
[ Cats meow ]
84
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,060
[ Purring ]
85
00:03:49,095 --> 00:03:52,498
Ha ha, yeah!
All right! High-five!
86
00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:55,067
Man #2: Oh, Cassie,
you're a girl and I'm --
87
00:03:55,134 --> 00:03:57,170
-This is gonna make
my father furious!
-Bark, bark, bark!
88
00:03:57,236 --> 00:03:59,005
Bark!
-Whoa?!
89
00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:01,307
I knew
you were cheating on me!
90
00:04:01,374 --> 00:04:03,743
-Jake, I can explain!
-[ Cries ]
91
00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:08,781
Hey, just out of curiosity, what
was your explanation gonna be?
92
00:04:10,483 --> 00:04:12,952
Oh, no.
We forgot to study!
93
00:04:13,019 --> 00:04:15,655
No worries.
I got this.
94
00:04:15,722 --> 00:04:20,493
[ Buzzing ]
95
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:21,793
Oh, God!
96
00:04:21,861 --> 00:04:23,596
Marco!
97
00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:26,666
Man #3:
So, Dexter, tell me why you
think you're M.I.T. material.
98
00:04:26,733 --> 00:04:29,769
Surely you are joking!
I see.
99
00:04:29,836 --> 00:04:31,371
Trying to justify
your salary.
100
00:04:31,437 --> 00:04:33,172
Well,
I was a boy genius.
101
00:04:33,239 --> 00:04:35,308
I built a secret laboratory
at age seven
102
00:04:35,375 --> 00:04:37,409
where I created
brilliant inventions.
103
00:04:37,477 --> 00:04:40,246
Right, but I don't see
any extracurriculars here.
104
00:04:40,313 --> 00:04:43,149
Um, extracurriculars?
I'm sorry, I'm confused.
105
00:04:43,216 --> 00:04:45,784
Like, you know, sports,
clubs, student council,
106
00:04:45,852 --> 00:04:47,520
a single kiss
from a girl.
107
00:04:47,587 --> 00:04:49,055
I can clone
human beings.
108
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:52,392
I've made time machine
and a time expansion helmet.
109
00:04:52,457 --> 00:04:55,028
So no extracurriculars?
110
00:04:56,996 --> 00:05:00,333
[ Groans angrily ]
I'll show you extracurriculars.
111
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,770
[ Laughs ]
112
00:05:03,836 --> 00:05:06,305
♪♪
113
00:05:06,372 --> 00:05:08,975
Dexter, Dexter,
guess what?!
114
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:11,310
I got into M. I. T.,
Harvard, and Yale
115
00:05:11,377 --> 00:05:15,815
because I'm so
well-rounded!
116
00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:21,287
What were the last two?
117
00:05:21,354 --> 00:05:23,156
Harvard and Yale!
118
00:05:23,222 --> 00:05:26,325
Harvard and Yale.
[ Laughs ]
119
00:05:26,392 --> 00:05:27,727
At last!
120
00:05:27,794 --> 00:05:30,997
A mini bust of
Burgess Merediths' 1966 Penguin.
121
00:05:31,064 --> 00:05:32,498
Ah!
122
00:05:32,565 --> 00:05:36,002
Oh, not that my collection of
nerd paraphernalia is complete,
123
00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:37,704
I can finally start
living a life
124
00:05:37,770 --> 00:05:39,672
of rewarding
personal relationships
125
00:05:39,739 --> 00:05:42,709
and get on a healthy regiment
of diet and exercise.
126
00:05:42,775 --> 00:05:46,212
[ Breathes heavily ]
127
00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:49,382
Get, get --
Get right on that.
128
00:05:49,449 --> 00:05:53,286
♪♪
129
00:05:53,352 --> 00:05:57,423
Man-E Faces,
you are...not the father!
130
00:05:57,490 --> 00:05:59,292
I knew it! Yes!
131
00:05:59,358 --> 00:06:00,526
But are!
132
00:06:00,593 --> 00:06:02,361
Aw, damn it!
133
00:06:02,428 --> 00:06:06,132
[ Robotically ] Cash me outside.
How 'bout that?!
134
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:10,436
Livewire, Toyman, show me your
plans to destroy Supergirl
135
00:06:10,503 --> 00:06:12,004
and I will fund
the best idea.
136
00:06:12,071 --> 00:06:14,006
Feast your eyes,
Maxwell Lord.
137
00:06:14,073 --> 00:06:17,910
A military assault vehicle
made out of pure kryptonite.
138
00:06:17,977 --> 00:06:19,779
-Very intriguing.
-What the hell is that?
139
00:06:19,846 --> 00:06:22,081
-Kryptonite vibrator.
-That is absurd.
140
00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:25,184
Why not make a kryptonite sword
or use kryptonite bullets?
141
00:06:25,251 --> 00:06:28,721
This way, she does
all the work for us.
142
00:06:28,788 --> 00:06:29,822
That's --
that's idiotic!
143
00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:31,724
Tell you what,
I'll fund both projects,
144
00:06:31,791 --> 00:06:34,360
then we'll see who kills
Supergirl first.
145
00:06:35,928 --> 00:06:39,699
The time has arrived.
Livewire, show me your device.
146
00:06:39,766 --> 00:06:41,234
[ Rattling ]
147
00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:43,569
Money well spent.
Toyman, your turn.
148
00:06:43,636 --> 00:06:45,805
Oh, me, ready for me --
um, okay, here we go.
149
00:06:45,872 --> 00:06:48,274
So I might have
over-promised.
150
00:06:48,341 --> 00:06:50,109
It turns out there's a reason
Ford and GM
151
00:06:50,176 --> 00:06:52,011
don't build cars
out of fucking rock.
152
00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:55,882
Well, at any rate, now it's time
to kill Supergirl.
153
00:06:55,948 --> 00:06:57,617
-Now?!
-Now?!
154
00:06:57,683 --> 00:06:59,852
[ Laughs ]
155
00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:03,689
There she is!
Run her down! [ Laughs ]
156
00:07:04,857 --> 00:07:06,292
No matter.
Fire the weapons.
157
00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:08,494
Uh, yeah,
so no weapons.
158
00:07:08,561 --> 00:07:10,897
I actually spent my entire
budget on the stone workers.
159
00:07:10,963 --> 00:07:12,031
Freakin' prima donnas.
160
00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:13,633
They all think
they're Michelangelo.
161
00:07:13,699 --> 00:07:16,169
Ow! Ooh!
Livewire, you're up.
162
00:07:16,235 --> 00:07:17,737
Look.
Um...
163
00:07:17,804 --> 00:07:19,806
I tried to make
a kryptonite vibrator,
164
00:07:19,872 --> 00:07:22,875
but I ran out of time,
so I painted a regular vibrator
165
00:07:22,942 --> 00:07:24,310
with
glow-in-the-dark paint.
166
00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:27,947
Just take it. Please, please?
I'll give you $5.
167
00:07:28,014 --> 00:07:30,582
Come on, take it.
Take it, take it.
168
00:07:30,650 --> 00:07:31,884
You're making me look
like a real asshole
169
00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:33,653
in front of my friends.
-[ Groans ]
170
00:07:33,719 --> 00:07:35,454
All right.
171
00:07:35,521 --> 00:07:39,025
I really
shouldn't but...
172
00:07:39,091 --> 00:07:40,493
It's a Tuesday.
173
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:44,330
[ Bell tolls ]
174
00:07:44,397 --> 00:07:45,765
I lied!
175
00:07:45,832 --> 00:07:47,466
It really was
a kryptonite vibrator.
176
00:07:47,533 --> 00:07:50,803
So you mean to tell me that
Supergirl accepted a vibrator
177
00:07:50,870 --> 00:07:52,805
a super-villain handed
to her on the street
178
00:07:52,872 --> 00:07:56,209
and actually put into her--
-This is a Goddamn funeral!
179
00:07:56,275 --> 00:07:58,845
Oh, I'm so happy
to have my boys home
180
00:07:58,911 --> 00:08:00,279
from a long day
of fighting.
181
00:08:00,346 --> 00:08:03,549
Oh, no!
Grandma's having a stroke!
182
00:08:03,616 --> 00:08:07,753
But whatever does not
kill us makes us stronger.
183
00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:09,555
Up your butt,
Nietzsche!
184
00:08:09,622 --> 00:08:11,123
Ow, mein arm!
185
00:08:11,190 --> 00:08:13,893
Ah!
186
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:15,828
Yah!
187
00:08:15,895 --> 00:08:18,097
[ Zapping ]
188
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:20,900
Announcer:
And now watch a guy named Chet
189
00:08:20,967 --> 00:08:24,003
choose a girlfriend
by dating her mom!
190
00:08:24,070 --> 00:08:26,239
It's MTV's "Date My Mom!"
191
00:08:26,305 --> 00:08:29,909
A castle?
This family's loaded!
192
00:08:29,976 --> 00:08:31,377
Just call me Belle.
193
00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:34,113
I like Belle 'cause
she's super smart and shit.
194
00:08:34,179 --> 00:08:36,616
She was reading on our date
and using big words and shit,
195
00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:38,084
so that's kind of hot.
196
00:08:38,150 --> 00:08:39,552
So tell me
about your daughter.
197
00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:41,053
She loves reading Tolstoy
198
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:42,688
and Gabrielle Garcia Marquez
and--
199
00:08:42,755 --> 00:08:45,091
Totally. Same.
Is she hot, though?
200
00:08:46,158 --> 00:08:47,393
[ Doorbell rings ]
201
00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:48,728
Whoa!
202
00:08:48,794 --> 00:08:52,164
I wouldn't mind Mrs. Rabbit
gnawing on this carrot.
203
00:08:52,231 --> 00:08:53,933
So tell me
about your daughter.
204
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:57,236
Well, she's so sweet
and gets very good grades.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
205
00:08:57,303 --> 00:08:58,537
Uh-huh. Huh?
206
00:08:58,604 --> 00:09:00,506
The best part of my date
with Mrs. Rabbit
207
00:09:00,573 --> 00:09:02,174
was when she had big boobs.
208
00:09:02,241 --> 00:09:05,511
The worst part was when I had
to throw away my swim trunks
209
00:09:05,578 --> 00:09:06,679
'cause I peed white.
210
00:09:06,746 --> 00:09:09,815
Yeah, he did jizz
his pants a few times.
211
00:09:09,882 --> 00:09:13,653
I pretended not to notice,
but I definitely noticed.
212
00:09:16,522 --> 00:09:18,824
My final date is
with a bear, seriously?
213
00:09:18,891 --> 00:09:21,327
[ Growls ]
214
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,763
You want me to ask them
to put up the bumpers?
215
00:09:23,829 --> 00:09:25,898
-[ Roars ]
-Okay, okay, no bumpers!
216
00:09:25,965 --> 00:09:29,001
The worst part of my date, when
the bear mauled a little boy.
217
00:09:29,068 --> 00:09:30,970
I watched the light
leave his eyes,
218
00:09:31,037 --> 00:09:33,306
and I realized life is fleeting
219
00:09:33,372 --> 00:09:35,007
and we gotta make
the most of it.
220
00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:37,777
Tomorrow, I'm gonna
choose the big-boob lady.
221
00:09:37,843 --> 00:09:40,112
Belle, I had
a chill time with you.
222
00:09:40,179 --> 00:09:43,449
But time spent reading
is time not boning!
223
00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:46,252
Sorry. I do not want
to date your daughter.
224
00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:49,889
No, no, rejected.
Get back in the limo.
225
00:09:49,956 --> 00:09:53,159
Bear, you're a bear, and I'm
afraid your daughter is a bear.
226
00:09:53,225 --> 00:09:55,194
So I do not want
to date your bear.
227
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:57,196
[ Roars ]
228
00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:59,799
Damn!
That bear is hot!
229
00:09:59,865 --> 00:10:03,135
So, yeah, Mrs. Rabbit,
I obviously chose your daughter.
230
00:10:03,202 --> 00:10:05,438
Let's see her!
Come on, baby! Bring her out!
231
00:10:05,504 --> 00:10:06,939
[ Laughs ]
232
00:10:07,006 --> 00:10:09,308
-No!
-Give me a kiss!
233
00:10:09,375 --> 00:10:11,377
Can I take it all back?
Is the bear-girl still here?
234
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:14,213
-Please!
-Start making babies, you two.
235
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:15,715
-Oh, yeah!
-No, no!
236
00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:17,283
-Babies, give me!
-No, no, no!
237
00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:22,922
I...
238
00:10:22,989 --> 00:10:29,562
fuuuuccckkkkkk
239
00:10:29,628 --> 00:10:34,800
your...
240
00:10:34,867 --> 00:10:39,839
mo...
241
00:10:39,905 --> 00:10:41,207
mmm.
242
00:10:41,273 --> 00:10:42,540
Slow burn.
243
00:10:42,608 --> 00:10:44,543
♪♪
244
00:10:44,610 --> 00:10:45,578
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
245
00:10:45,644 --> 00:10:46,912
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
246
00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:48,914
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
247
00:10:48,981 --> 00:10:50,082
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
248
00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:51,417
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
249
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:53,252
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
250
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:54,253
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
251
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:55,588
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
252
00:10:55,654 --> 00:10:57,590
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
253
00:10:57,656 --> 00:10:59,825
Ba-gawk! Bawk.
16759
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