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1
00:00:03,370 --> 00:00:04,971
[ Whirring ]
2
00:00:05,038 --> 00:00:07,040
[ Theme music plays ]
3
00:00:09,509 --> 00:00:11,511
[ Whirring ]
4
00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:19,786
Man: It's alive!
5
00:00:27,827 --> 00:00:29,829
[ Thunder rumbles ]
6
00:00:38,238 --> 00:00:40,106
♪ My little pony
7
00:00:40,173 --> 00:00:41,808
♪ My little pony
8
00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:43,510
♪ What a wonderful world
9
00:00:43,576 --> 00:00:44,644
[ Donkey brays ]
10
00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:46,646
We didn't come here
to see you dancing!
11
00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:48,047
Fuck that donkey!
12
00:00:48,114 --> 00:00:50,083
Yeah, blow your load
in her face, donkey!
13
00:00:50,150 --> 00:00:52,385
[ Jeering, laughter ]
14
00:00:52,452 --> 00:00:53,653
[ Laughing ]
15
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:54,654
♪ My little pony
16
00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:56,322
♪ My little pony
17
00:00:56,389 --> 00:00:59,025
[ Guitar solo ]
18
00:01:02,562 --> 00:01:03,897
[ Rabbit squeaks ]
19
00:01:03,963 --> 00:01:05,899
[ Guitar solo ]
20
00:01:05,965 --> 00:01:07,901
[ Birds chirping ]
21
00:01:07,967 --> 00:01:09,269
[ Car horn honking ]
22
00:01:09,335 --> 00:01:10,503
Man:
Out of the way!
23
00:01:10,570 --> 00:01:13,173
I'm sorry.
This seat is taken.
24
00:01:13,239 --> 00:01:14,574
I was sitting
here earlier.
25
00:01:14,641 --> 00:01:17,110
I just went to get some popcorn,
and now I've returned.
26
00:01:17,176 --> 00:01:18,912
Buddy, my girlfriend
is sitting here.
27
00:01:18,978 --> 00:01:19,846
This seat is taken.
28
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:20,914
[ Dramatic music plays ]
29
00:01:20,980 --> 00:01:23,049
Do you know who I am?
30
00:01:23,116 --> 00:01:24,217
Uh...no.
31
00:01:24,283 --> 00:01:25,985
Duh, do you know who I am?
32
00:01:26,051 --> 00:01:27,487
[ Mumbles stupidly ]
33
00:01:27,554 --> 00:01:30,623
No, I don't know who you are,
but I have a very particular --
34
00:01:30,690 --> 00:01:32,358
Shh, quiet!
35
00:01:32,425 --> 00:01:35,495
[ Whispering ]
No, I don't know who you are,
but I have a very particular --
36
00:01:35,562 --> 00:01:38,097
What?
I can't hear you.
37
00:01:38,164 --> 00:01:40,300
No, I don't know
who you are,
38
00:01:40,366 --> 00:01:42,669
but I have a very particular
set of skills --
39
00:01:42,735 --> 00:01:44,170
skills I have acquired.
40
00:01:44,237 --> 00:01:46,104
Buddy,
he said the seat's taken!
41
00:01:46,172 --> 00:01:47,240
I was sitting here!
42
00:01:47,307 --> 00:01:48,274
Will you be quiet?!
43
00:01:48,341 --> 00:01:50,276
I was sitting here!
44
00:01:50,343 --> 00:01:52,212
I'm sorry, Miss,
but that seat is taken.
45
00:01:52,277 --> 00:01:53,913
Yeah, no shit -- by me!
46
00:01:53,979 --> 00:01:55,682
Look, if you let me
sit there now,
47
00:01:55,747 --> 00:01:57,183
that will be
the end of it.
48
00:01:57,250 --> 00:01:59,485
I will not look for you.
I will not pursue you.
49
00:01:59,551 --> 00:02:00,653
But if you don't --
50
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:01,888
Uh, is there a problem?
51
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,189
This guy is bothering us.
52
00:02:03,256 --> 00:02:04,858
Come on, buddy,
find a seat.
53
00:02:07,494 --> 00:02:11,331
I will find you,
and I will kill you!
54
00:02:11,397 --> 00:02:12,832
[ Taser zapping ]
55
00:02:12,899 --> 00:02:14,534
[ Groaning ]
56
00:02:14,601 --> 00:02:16,669
[ Engine revs ]
57
00:02:16,736 --> 00:02:18,638
[ Fireworks popping ]
58
00:02:18,704 --> 00:02:21,007
We gather now to lay to rest
Evel Knievel,
59
00:02:21,074 --> 00:02:23,743
who died after a long struggle
with heart disease,
60
00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:27,213
and I'm pretty sure what we just
did with the corpse was illegal,
61
00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:29,482
but let none ever say
to us not awesome.
62
00:02:29,549 --> 00:02:30,984
[ Crying ]
63
00:02:31,050 --> 00:02:32,151
[ French accent ]
Don't cry, my dear.
64
00:02:32,218 --> 00:02:34,387
It's said the human head
remains alive
65
00:02:34,454 --> 00:02:36,623
for a brief moment
after decapitation.
66
00:02:36,689 --> 00:02:38,691
Once my head falls
into the basket,
67
00:02:38,758 --> 00:02:41,261
allow your beauty to be
the last thing I see,
68
00:02:41,327 --> 00:02:44,329
and I will bestow
one final wink upon you.
69
00:02:44,397 --> 00:02:45,732
[ All gasp ]
70
00:03:01,748 --> 00:03:04,350
I don't think
he's gonna wink.
71
00:03:04,417 --> 00:03:06,486
-Polly!
-Whoo!
72
00:03:06,553 --> 00:03:08,021
Polly, this boat
is so on fleek,
73
00:03:08,087 --> 00:03:09,822
it's fleeker than
a box of corn flakes!
74
00:03:09,889 --> 00:03:11,524
First of all,
it's not a boat.
75
00:03:11,591 --> 00:03:13,526
It's my
so-hip cruise ship!
76
00:03:13,593 --> 00:03:14,794
Whoo!
77
00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:17,163
Polly, I see lots
of accessories
78
00:03:17,230 --> 00:03:19,299
but no
navigation equipment.
79
00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:21,834
We could be dangerously
off course!
80
00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:23,536
Whoo!
81
00:03:23,603 --> 00:03:25,238
Oh, my God, you guys --
pirates!
82
00:03:25,305 --> 00:03:27,040
[ Foreign accent ]
This vessel belong to me now!
83
00:03:27,106 --> 00:03:28,575
Prepare to be boarded!
84
00:03:30,343 --> 00:03:33,413
You dare to mock me with your
smiling Western faces?!
85
00:03:33,478 --> 00:03:35,815
Stop making me self-conscious
about my English!
86
00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:38,785
I never made it past
ESL English for Pirates!
87
00:03:38,851 --> 00:03:41,087
They wanted $400
per credit hour!
88
00:03:41,154 --> 00:03:42,522
I mean, what am I
supposed to do?
89
00:03:42,589 --> 00:03:44,490
Hey, boss, you are arguing
with stickers.
90
00:03:44,557 --> 00:03:48,795
Go away, you nasty pirates,
or you'll be sorry!
91
00:03:48,861 --> 00:03:50,228
-That's right!
-You'll be sorry!
92
00:03:50,296 --> 00:03:51,898
You better not be stickers!
93
00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:53,833
They are not
stickers, boss.
94
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:57,070
Oh, you're just a bunch of girls
and effeminate boys!
95
00:03:57,136 --> 00:03:59,105
I have no rebuttal.
96
00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:00,540
Oh, go away!
97
00:04:00,607 --> 00:04:03,576
Your stupid boat doesn't even
have any accessories!
98
00:04:03,643 --> 00:04:06,646
Yeah, yeah, we have all the
accessories we need right here!
99
00:04:06,713 --> 00:04:08,681
[ Machine-gun fire ]
100
00:04:08,748 --> 00:04:11,985
[ Laughs ]
They call those accessories?!
101
00:04:12,051 --> 00:04:14,754
I'll show them
accessories!
102
00:04:14,821 --> 00:04:16,154
[ Mechanized whirring ]
103
00:04:16,221 --> 00:04:19,826
Eat shit from
my so-hip cruise ship!
104
00:04:19,892 --> 00:04:21,793
No, boss, it's girl club!
105
00:04:21,861 --> 00:04:23,496
No, we're sinking!
106
00:04:23,563 --> 00:04:25,164
[ Bubbling ]
107
00:04:25,231 --> 00:04:28,134
Aah!
Shark B.J.!
108
00:04:28,201 --> 00:04:30,603
[ Screaming ]
109
00:04:30,670 --> 00:04:31,704
Accessories!
110
00:04:31,771 --> 00:04:33,006
Shark food!
111
00:04:33,072 --> 00:04:36,109
Um, I think we're accessories --
to murder!
112
00:04:36,175 --> 00:04:37,877
[ Laughs ]
Yeah!
113
00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:39,379
♪ Polly!
114
00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:41,047
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
115
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,383
That is so not fleek.
116
00:04:43,449 --> 00:04:46,152
Hey, baby.
117
00:04:46,219 --> 00:04:48,655
The only reason I'd kick you
out of bed
118
00:04:48,721 --> 00:04:51,057
would be to fuck
you on the floor.
119
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,860
Oh, dear, no.
I have a bad hip.
120
00:04:53,926 --> 00:04:57,196
That's right --
talk dirty to me.
121
00:04:57,263 --> 00:04:59,565
Waffle Face, I hear
you're the best hitman
122
00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:02,068
this side of Atlantic City,
but I got to ask,
123
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,070
how'd you get a waffle
for a face?
124
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:07,607
Oh, well, originally,
I had a pancake for a face,
125
00:05:07,674 --> 00:05:10,643
see, until the Triads put
my head in a waffle iron!
126
00:05:10,710 --> 00:05:12,912
Ever since then --
Waffle Face!
127
00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:15,248
[ Laughs maniacally ]
Look at me, look!
128
00:05:15,314 --> 00:05:18,151
Hey, pal, if someone asks you
how you got a waffle for a face,
129
00:05:18,217 --> 00:05:20,553
I can pretty much guarantee
they ain't askin' you
130
00:05:20,620 --> 00:05:23,256
to back up to the part where
you had a pancake for a face
131
00:05:23,322 --> 00:05:24,490
and now it's a waffle.
132
00:05:24,557 --> 00:05:25,758
But that's how
it happened, hey.
133
00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:27,994
If you're gonna
make me sit here
134
00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:29,996
and ask
a follow-up question
135
00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:33,199
as to how your head went from
a human head to a pancake head
136
00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:35,334
prior to it becoming
a waffle head --
137
00:05:35,401 --> 00:05:38,471
I am gonna put a bullet between
your big-ass cartoon eyes!
138
00:05:38,538 --> 00:05:39,739
Okay, okay, okay!
139
00:05:39,806 --> 00:05:42,241
My head was flattened
by a steamroller.
140
00:05:42,308 --> 00:05:44,277
That's how it
became a pancake!
141
00:05:44,343 --> 00:05:45,078
Thank you.
142
00:05:45,144 --> 00:05:46,079
Prior to that,
143
00:05:46,145 --> 00:05:47,647
it was more of
a big coffee cake.
144
00:05:47,714 --> 00:05:48,581
[ Laughs ]
145
00:05:48,648 --> 00:05:50,016
I'll kill you!
146
00:05:50,082 --> 00:05:51,284
[ Gunfire ]
147
00:05:51,350 --> 00:05:52,985
Man: He's expected
to break the record
148
00:05:53,052 --> 00:05:54,687
for solving a Rubik's Cube
one-handed.
149
00:05:54,754 --> 00:05:56,322
[ Buzzer ]
150
00:05:56,389 --> 00:05:57,623
And he did it!
[ Cheers and applause ]
151
00:05:57,690 --> 00:05:59,759
You know, that kid is either
gonna get more pussy
152
00:05:59,826 --> 00:06:02,061
than he can handle or he'll kill
himself within a week.
153
00:06:02,128 --> 00:06:03,396
Smart money's
on the suicide.
154
00:06:03,463 --> 00:06:05,298
You know, we can always hope
for the pussy.
155
00:06:05,364 --> 00:06:07,100
But it's usually suicide.
156
00:06:07,166 --> 00:06:09,302
[ Coins clattering ]
157
00:06:12,739 --> 00:06:13,673
[ Gasps ]
158
00:06:13,740 --> 00:06:14,941
[ Poink! Poink! ]
159
00:06:15,007 --> 00:06:17,810
"Dear Diary, the school
talent show is tomorrow,
160
00:06:17,877 --> 00:06:21,080
so I spent all week writing
a stand-up comedy routine."
161
00:06:21,147 --> 00:06:23,950
I just hope Patti likes it.
162
00:06:24,016 --> 00:06:26,819
Oh, hey, baby!
Where you from -- Texas?
163
00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:29,355
Bend over and show us
your Lone Star!
164
00:06:29,422 --> 00:06:31,224
Oh!
165
00:06:31,290 --> 00:06:33,593
[ Mumbling ]
166
00:06:33,659 --> 00:06:36,796
Man: Hey, Funny!
Is your middle name Nut?
167
00:06:36,863 --> 00:06:37,630
[ Laughter ]
168
00:06:37,697 --> 00:06:39,098
Ooh!
169
00:06:39,165 --> 00:06:42,168
I mean [chuckles nervously]
bitches be crazy, huh?
170
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:43,536
Oh!
171
00:06:43,603 --> 00:06:46,272
Kathy, sweetie,
that photo is 15 years old.
172
00:06:46,339 --> 00:06:48,841
You are ruining the integrity
of Tinder.
173
00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:50,443
[ Sighs ]
Fine, just shut up already.
174
00:06:50,510 --> 00:06:52,044
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
I look fat.
175
00:06:52,111 --> 00:06:53,646
You look beautiful.
176
00:06:53,713 --> 00:06:55,581
[ Chimes ]
Ooh! I got a match.
177
00:06:55,648 --> 00:06:57,750
His name's Bill.
Ooh!
178
00:06:57,817 --> 00:07:00,920
Aah! Help!
Somebody help me!
179
00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:02,321
Fuck you, Tinder!
180
00:07:02,388 --> 00:07:04,624
[ Dance music plays ]
181
00:07:04,690 --> 00:07:07,960
Great big fat person --
swipe right.
182
00:07:08,027 --> 00:07:10,730
Skinny man -- swipe left.
183
00:07:10,797 --> 00:07:13,933
Radcliffe, it's official.
You have 50 pregnant females.
184
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,568
How is that possible?
185
00:07:15,635 --> 00:07:20,807
Remember, darling, only 15 of
our 101 dalmatians were related.
186
00:07:20,873 --> 00:07:24,143
Clearly, the unrelated ones
had sex!
187
00:07:24,210 --> 00:07:26,045
Actually, siblings
get it on all the time.
188
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:28,581
Why, it wouldn't surprise me
if Pongo and Perdita over there
189
00:07:28,648 --> 00:07:30,416
were having sex
with their own children,
190
00:07:30,483 --> 00:07:32,084
uh, likely while
the others watched.
191
00:07:32,151 --> 00:07:33,486
Jesus!
192
00:07:33,553 --> 00:07:36,389
Can't believe I had to give up
songwriting for a day job.
193
00:07:36,455 --> 00:07:38,925
Lousy dalmatians eating me out
of house and home!
194
00:07:38,991 --> 00:07:41,260
[ Dogs barking ]
Aah!
195
00:07:41,327 --> 00:07:43,963
These things breed
like fruit flies.
196
00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:46,399
It's a population-control
issue.
197
00:07:46,465 --> 00:07:47,933
[ Sighs ]
We were wrong to think
198
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:49,435
you were a bad person,
Cruella.
199
00:07:49,502 --> 00:07:50,903
[ Laughs ]
200
00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:53,472
Oh, there's no such thing
as evil, you know?
201
00:07:53,539 --> 00:07:55,842
Everyone is the hero
of their own story.
202
00:07:55,908 --> 00:07:59,645
We really don't need
a sociology lesson.
203
00:07:59,712 --> 00:08:01,113
[ Cackles ]
204
00:08:01,180 --> 00:08:05,051
I love it when my wife sends me
to the -- grocery gore!
205
00:08:05,117 --> 00:08:06,752
[ Cackles ]
206
00:08:06,819 --> 00:08:07,954
Ew, tampons?
207
00:08:08,020 --> 00:08:09,889
Young woman:
Wash your car, mister?
208
00:08:09,956 --> 00:08:13,426
We're raising money for Monster
High's fearleading team.
209
00:08:13,492 --> 00:08:15,862
[ Transylvanian accent ] Oh,
it'd be a bloody shame
210
00:08:15,928 --> 00:08:17,864
if us ghouls couldn't raise
enough money!
211
00:08:17,930 --> 00:08:19,732
Without us,
how will the Mansters
212
00:08:19,799 --> 00:08:21,601
ever win another
casketball game?
213
00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:25,972
What...the fuck
are you doing?!
214
00:08:26,038 --> 00:08:27,240
We're having a car wash.
215
00:08:27,306 --> 00:08:28,574
I mean the puns!
216
00:08:28,641 --> 00:08:30,343
I'm the Crypt Keeper!
217
00:08:30,409 --> 00:08:32,778
Slays on words
are my thing!
218
00:08:32,845 --> 00:08:35,114
I've never even
heard of you! Blah!
219
00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:37,515
Yeah, if you don't want us to
wash that filthy piece of shit,
220
00:08:37,582 --> 00:08:39,919
just get out of our slay.
221
00:08:39,986 --> 00:08:41,120
[ Laughter ]
222
00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:42,755
You're so punny!
223
00:08:42,822 --> 00:08:45,224
I just made
that fucking pun!
224
00:08:45,290 --> 00:08:46,492
What the fuck.
[ School bell rings ]
225
00:08:46,559 --> 00:08:48,961
What the fuck.
Hello, boys and ghouls.
226
00:08:49,028 --> 00:08:50,396
What the fuck.
227
00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:52,298
Welcome to Monster High,
stranger.
228
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:54,267
I'm headless Headmistress
Bloodgood.
229
00:08:54,333 --> 00:08:56,936
Well, Principal Goodhead,
I'm the Crypt Keeper,
230
00:08:57,003 --> 00:08:59,305
and I'm here to shut
this shit show down!
231
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:00,573
What ever
do you mean?
232
00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:03,409
The puns, man!
You're stealing my whole life!
233
00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:06,879
Come on! Fearleading squad,
casketball team?!
234
00:09:06,946 --> 00:09:10,449
Oh, it sounds like you want
to speak to the hizzay,
235
00:09:10,516 --> 00:09:13,152
our physical deaducation
teacher.
236
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:14,253
Oh, goddamn it!
237
00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:15,621
He's an invisible man.
238
00:09:15,688 --> 00:09:17,857
He's fright behind you,
as a matter of fact.
239
00:09:17,924 --> 00:09:19,792
[ School bell rings ]
Listen, knob job,
240
00:09:19,859 --> 00:09:21,227
either back off my schtick
241
00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:23,996
or you can kiss this bulimic
emo gangbang goodbye!
242
00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:25,765
Trust me,
I'm a shell of a man
243
00:09:25,831 --> 00:09:28,801
with nothing left to lose,
and --
244
00:09:28,868 --> 00:09:30,503
And I'm talking to the air.
245
00:09:30,569 --> 00:09:31,570
Fuck it!
246
00:09:32,538 --> 00:09:34,307
[ Cackles ]
247
00:09:34,373 --> 00:09:36,075
Mr. Crypt Keeper,
you stand accused
248
00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:38,344
of committing 448 counts
of first-degree murder.
249
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:40,179
What do you have to say
for yourself?
250
00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:43,616
Well, first of all, I find
myself here in "Fright Court" --
251
00:09:43,683 --> 00:09:45,351
I told you before,
this is not "Night Court."
252
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:46,686
It's just a regular court.
253
00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:48,254
Well, thanks for stepping
on the bit. Can I finish?
254
00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:50,222
How can I be blamed
for murder
255
00:09:50,289 --> 00:09:52,758
when the entire school
glamorized death?!
256
00:09:52,825 --> 00:09:54,961
Monster High
was wholesome fun!
257
00:09:55,027 --> 00:09:58,297
That vampire chick, Draculara,
her daddy's Dracula!
258
00:09:58,364 --> 00:10:01,100
That guy's put more high-quality
gash in the ground
259
00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:02,335
than plate tectonics!
260
00:10:02,401 --> 00:10:03,636
[ Spectators murmuring ]
261
00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:06,105
I don't completely understand
what you just said,
262
00:10:06,172 --> 00:10:08,240
but I am a vegan!
263
00:10:08,307 --> 00:10:11,010
Okay, veganism was
a 20th-century invention.
264
00:10:11,077 --> 00:10:12,878
Aren't you
1,600 years old?
265
00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:16,315
What'd you snack on
for the first 15 centuries?
266
00:10:16,382 --> 00:10:17,950
You got me.
[ Chuckles ]
267
00:10:18,017 --> 00:10:19,218
Blood of the innocent.
268
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:21,954
Monster High was a monument
to murder!
269
00:10:22,021 --> 00:10:25,324
All I did was carry it
to its logical conclusion!
270
00:10:25,391 --> 00:10:26,492
[ Cheers and applause ]
271
00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:27,426
Case dismissed!
272
00:10:27,493 --> 00:10:28,627
That's it?!
273
00:10:28,694 --> 00:10:30,730
I had a whole bit
about a hung jury!
274
00:10:30,796 --> 00:10:32,031
[ Cackles ]
275
00:10:32,098 --> 00:10:33,665
Hey, where's everyone's go--
ah, shit.
276
00:10:33,733 --> 00:10:34,700
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
277
00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:36,035
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
278
00:10:36,102 --> 00:10:38,037
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
279
00:10:38,104 --> 00:10:39,205
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
280
00:10:39,271 --> 00:10:40,539
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
281
00:10:40,606 --> 00:10:42,375
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
282
00:10:42,441 --> 00:10:43,376
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
283
00:10:43,442 --> 00:10:44,710
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk
284
00:10:44,777 --> 00:10:46,712
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
285
00:10:46,779 --> 00:10:48,914
Ba-gawk! Bawk.
286
00:10:58,691 --> 00:10:59,658
[ Tink! ]
18925
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