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1
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[ thunder crashes ]
[ laughs evilly ]
2
00:00:08,942 --> 00:00:10,944
[ sawing ]
[ electricity crackles ]
3
00:00:18,151 --> 00:00:19,853
It's alive!
4
00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:32,465
[ thunder crashes ]
[ laughs evilly ]
5
00:00:32,531 --> 00:00:38,138
[ smooch! ]
[ laughs evilly ]
6
00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:40,340
Hut one! Hut two! Hut --
Aah!
7
00:00:40,407 --> 00:00:43,109
Double cross, bitch!
8
00:00:43,176 --> 00:00:45,044
Wilson! I see a boat!
9
00:00:45,111 --> 00:00:47,414
There's a boat coming this way!
10
00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:48,681
We're rescued!
11
00:00:48,748 --> 00:00:49,682
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
12
00:00:49,749 --> 00:00:50,683
What are you doing?
13
00:00:50,750 --> 00:00:52,652
We are hijacking your ship,
Captain.
14
00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:56,156
Call your government and tell
Them we want $1 million, or we
15
00:00:56,222 --> 00:00:57,257
Will kill you.
16
00:00:57,323 --> 00:00:59,893
Everyone thinks I'm dead
Already.
17
00:00:59,959 --> 00:01:03,029
Okay, this is, uh, clearly a
Mistake.
18
00:01:03,096 --> 00:01:03,630
Aah!
19
00:01:03,696 --> 00:01:04,497
Holy crap!
20
00:01:04,563 --> 00:01:05,899
Is that a bengal tiger?
21
00:01:05,965 --> 00:01:08,201
[ growls ]
Aah!
22
00:01:08,268 --> 00:01:09,469
Richard parker!
23
00:01:09,536 --> 00:01:10,103
Wilson!
24
00:01:10,170 --> 00:01:11,371
Richard parker!
25
00:01:11,438 --> 00:01:12,138
Wilson!
26
00:01:12,205 --> 00:01:13,706
Richard parker!
27
00:01:13,773 --> 00:01:15,108
Wilson!!
28
00:01:15,175 --> 00:01:17,444
Richard parker!!
29
00:01:17,510 --> 00:01:19,679
Welcome back to boxing night
Here in bangkok.
30
00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:22,749
The champion is
Saensak payakaroon, a proud thai
31
00:01:22,816 --> 00:01:23,850
Fighter.
32
00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:25,952
His challenger is another thai
Fighter -- tie fighter.
33
00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:27,954
[ bell clangs ]
And the bells clang, and
34
00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:30,757
Payakaroon advances on his
Opponent and lands a right jab
35
00:01:30,824 --> 00:01:33,593
And a hook, and now another
Solid jab, and it doesn't seem
36
00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:35,795
To be fazing the empire
Starfighter at all!
37
00:01:35,862 --> 00:01:38,731
If anything, payakaroon seems to
Be injuring his own hand,
38
00:01:38,798 --> 00:01:41,134
Shooting punches straight into
The metal hull.
39
00:01:41,201 --> 00:01:42,168
Ooh!
40
00:01:42,235 --> 00:01:44,137
And there's a laser blast from
The tie fighter, and
41
00:01:44,204 --> 00:01:46,473
Payakaroon's head is blown clear
Off.
42
00:01:46,539 --> 00:01:49,609
Tie fighter wins his first fight
With a decisive victory.
43
00:01:49,676 --> 00:01:52,912
They are trying to attach the
Championship belt to his waist,
44
00:01:52,979 --> 00:01:55,114
And he does not like it!
45
00:01:55,181 --> 00:01:57,650
Baby, I've got a secret, but
I'm afraid to tell you.
46
00:01:57,717 --> 00:01:58,618
It's okay, baby.
47
00:01:58,685 --> 00:01:59,652
You just say it.
48
00:01:59,719 --> 00:02:02,188
I-I just put on this frosting
So you'd like me.
49
00:02:02,255 --> 00:02:04,023
I'm actually a bagel.
50
00:02:04,090 --> 00:02:08,228
[ sobs ]
You're jewish?!
51
00:02:08,294 --> 00:02:08,862
Kal-el.
52
00:02:08,928 --> 00:02:09,963
Father?
53
00:02:10,029 --> 00:02:12,198
I've programmed a hologram of
Myself to assist you.
54
00:02:12,265 --> 00:02:14,400
Get out of here before
General zod arrives.
55
00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:16,836
Thank you, father.
56
00:02:16,903 --> 00:02:19,339
Looks like you're eating too
Much dairy, kal-el.
57
00:02:19,405 --> 00:02:20,840
Dad! I don't need your help!
58
00:02:20,907 --> 00:02:23,009
Your digestive tract suggests
Otherwise.
59
00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:25,245
That's going to be a triple
Wipe -- maybe more.
60
00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:26,279
Aim for a one-wiper.
61
00:02:26,346 --> 00:02:28,147
Try to eat less cheese.
62
00:02:28,214 --> 00:02:29,849
Ugh! Ridiculous!
63
00:02:29,916 --> 00:02:30,650
Oh, clark.
64
00:02:30,716 --> 00:02:32,652
I think I'm ready to go all the
Way.
65
00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:34,353
Game time, lois.
66
00:02:34,420 --> 00:02:37,023
[ both smooching ]
I'd begin with foreplay,
67
00:02:37,090 --> 00:02:37,557
Kal-el.
68
00:02:37,624 --> 00:02:38,625
What's going on?!
69
00:02:38,691 --> 00:02:39,726
Who's that?!
70
00:02:39,792 --> 00:02:42,161
Start by kissing her inner
Thigh, then spell out the
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00:02:42,228 --> 00:02:44,397
Alphabet on her clitoris with
Your tongue.
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00:02:44,464 --> 00:02:46,766
The krypton alphabet,
Specifically the letter
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00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:50,203
[babbling wildly]
Dad! This is so embarrassing!
74
00:02:50,270 --> 00:02:53,305
Your dead father makes some
Good points about cunnilingus.
75
00:02:53,373 --> 00:02:54,040
Thanks.
76
00:02:54,107 --> 00:02:56,676
Jor-elcome.
77
00:02:56,743 --> 00:02:58,211
Are you a house?
78
00:02:58,278 --> 00:02:59,145
Uh, no.
79
00:02:59,212 --> 00:03:03,049
[ machine beeping ]
[ dramatic music plays ]
80
00:03:03,116 --> 00:03:05,051
Fly with me to never land!
81
00:03:05,118 --> 00:03:07,987
[ children laughing ]
Children! No!
82
00:03:08,054 --> 00:03:09,489
These are the lost boys.
83
00:03:09,556 --> 00:03:10,723
They're not vampires.
84
00:03:10,790 --> 00:03:14,561
[ telephone rings ]
We...Have a phone?
85
00:03:14,627 --> 00:03:15,194
Hello?
86
00:03:15,261 --> 00:03:16,496
I don't know who you are.
87
00:03:16,563 --> 00:03:17,931
I don't know what you want.
88
00:03:17,997 --> 00:03:20,099
I don't know why you dress
Like...?
89
00:03:20,166 --> 00:03:21,200
A gay robin hood.
90
00:03:21,267 --> 00:03:22,502
Like a gay robin hood.
91
00:03:22,569 --> 00:03:25,371
But I have a very particular set
Of skills that make me a
92
00:03:25,438 --> 00:03:28,708
Nightmare for people like you,
By which I guess I mean flying
93
00:03:28,775 --> 00:03:29,909
Gay robin hoods.
94
00:03:29,976 --> 00:03:32,712
Good luck finding never land,
Grandpa.
95
00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:35,148
[ receiver slams ]
Oh, what's he saying?
96
00:03:35,214 --> 00:03:40,320
[ dial tone ]
He's saying "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh."
97
00:03:40,386 --> 00:03:41,621
That's the dial tone.
98
00:03:41,688 --> 00:03:42,454
Dial tone?
99
00:03:42,522 --> 00:03:43,790
This is a very old phone.
100
00:03:43,856 --> 00:03:47,026
He's holding your children in
What I presume is an underground
101
00:03:47,093 --> 00:03:48,561
Sex club called "Never land."
102
00:03:48,628 --> 00:03:51,598
Oh, thank goodness you do
Security work for bankers, like
103
00:03:51,664 --> 00:03:52,632
Myself, mr. Mills.
104
00:03:52,699 --> 00:03:54,767
But how will you reach the
Children?
105
00:03:54,834 --> 00:03:55,935
They were flying.
106
00:03:56,002 --> 00:03:58,905
I think I heard them say
Something about "Thinking happy
107
00:03:58,972 --> 00:03:59,672
Thoughts."
108
00:03:59,739 --> 00:04:01,007
Happy thoughts, eh?
109
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:02,175
No! No, please!
110
00:04:02,241 --> 00:04:03,042
Aah!
111
00:04:03,109 --> 00:04:04,277
Whoo-hoo! Off I go!
112
00:04:04,344 --> 00:04:05,244
[ crash ]
Aah!
113
00:04:10,049 --> 00:04:12,685
Ugh!
114
00:04:12,752 --> 00:04:14,654
Aah!
115
00:04:16,755 --> 00:04:20,493
[ farts ]
I just pooped in my tail!
116
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:21,894
Where are the children?
117
00:04:21,961 --> 00:04:24,497
[ farts ]
I've never met real-live
118
00:04:24,564 --> 00:04:25,765
Mermaids before!
119
00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:27,266
Oh-ho! That's so fun!
120
00:04:27,332 --> 00:04:28,868
Let's drown this bitch.
121
00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:30,870
No! Please! Don't!
122
00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:33,006
No! No! Oh!
123
00:04:34,707 --> 00:04:36,009
Wendy, where are your
Brothers?
124
00:04:36,075 --> 00:04:37,877
There! On the pirate ship!
125
00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:42,081
Time for these little
Chickadees to walk the plank!
126
00:04:42,148 --> 00:04:45,451
[ laughs evilly ]
Ticktock. Time's up.
127
00:04:45,518 --> 00:04:46,419
Hyah!
128
00:04:46,486 --> 00:04:47,954
Aaaaaaah!
129
00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:49,122
I'm taking you home,
Children.
130
00:04:49,188 --> 00:04:52,125
Not so fast, you old codfish!
131
00:04:52,191 --> 00:04:53,726
Ooh! Nah nah nah!
132
00:04:53,793 --> 00:04:57,497
Nah na--
Tink!
133
00:04:57,563 --> 00:05:01,067
Good luck getting home without
Her fairy dust, asshole!
134
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:04,203
Why would I want to leave
When my happy thought's about to
135
00:05:04,270 --> 00:05:04,871
Come true?
136
00:05:04,937 --> 00:05:05,772
Your what?
137
00:05:05,838 --> 00:05:08,107
Oh! No! No --
Aah!
138
00:05:08,174 --> 00:05:11,544
Okay, but seriously, man, how
The fuck are we getting
139
00:05:11,611 --> 00:05:12,111
Home?!
140
00:05:12,178 --> 00:05:12,912
Hang on.
141
00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:14,180
Oh! No! No! Wait!
142
00:05:14,247 --> 00:05:15,348
Aah!
143
00:05:15,415 --> 00:05:17,350
[ humming ]
"A but tuba"?
144
00:05:24,590 --> 00:05:27,727
This looks like the work of --
Was it a bat I saw?
145
00:05:27,794 --> 00:05:28,928
Palindrome.
146
00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:32,265
I see you're still talking in
Sentences that are spelled the
147
00:05:32,331 --> 00:05:33,866
Same forward and backward.
148
00:05:33,933 --> 00:05:35,268
What are you planning?
149
00:05:35,334 --> 00:05:39,472
Evil I did dwell, lewd I did
Live.
150
00:05:39,539 --> 00:05:42,742
Tell me, why do you continue
To haunt gotham, palindrome?
151
00:05:42,808 --> 00:05:45,745
Mr. Owl ate my metal worm.
152
00:05:45,812 --> 00:05:46,679
Mr. Owl?
153
00:05:46,746 --> 00:05:48,181
I don't know mr. Owl!
154
00:05:48,247 --> 00:05:50,983
Go hang a salami, I'm a
Lasagna hog.
155
00:05:51,050 --> 00:05:53,419
Over my dead body,
Palindrome.
156
00:05:53,486 --> 00:05:53,986
Yah!
157
00:05:54,053 --> 00:05:55,655
Yarg! God dam mad dog.
158
00:05:55,722 --> 00:05:58,057
I should feed you to the
Dogs.
159
00:05:58,124 --> 00:05:59,759
No, sir. Prefer prison.
160
00:05:59,826 --> 00:06:02,595
It's not too late for you,
Palindrome.
161
00:06:02,662 --> 00:06:04,230
You could still do good.
162
00:06:04,297 --> 00:06:06,532
Do good, I? No!
163
00:06:06,599 --> 00:06:11,771
Evil anon I deliver, I maim nine
More hero men in saginaw,
164
00:06:11,838 --> 00:06:14,674
Sanitary sword a-tuck, carol, I.
165
00:06:14,741 --> 00:06:18,144
Lo! Rack, caught a drowsy rat in
Aswan.
166
00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:21,280
I gas nine more hero men in
Miami.
167
00:06:21,347 --> 00:06:24,584
Reviled I, nona, live on.
168
00:06:24,650 --> 00:06:26,986
I do -- oh, god!
169
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:29,088
Wow.
170
00:06:29,155 --> 00:06:32,992
That was impressive.
171
00:06:33,058 --> 00:06:33,993
Yah!
172
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:35,428
Yarg!
173
00:06:35,495 --> 00:06:37,096
Look, honey! A shooting star!
174
00:06:37,163 --> 00:06:39,031
Aww!
175
00:06:39,098 --> 00:06:41,868
Domino, mother fucker
[ machine gun firing ]
176
00:06:41,933 --> 00:06:43,136
Both: ah! Ah! Aaaaah!
177
00:06:43,202 --> 00:06:45,638
Thanks for throwing me a
Welcoming party, count.
178
00:06:45,705 --> 00:06:48,608
I've never been to a party
Hosted by a vampire before.
179
00:06:48,674 --> 00:06:51,144
I do it for all the
Newcomers, alex.
180
00:06:51,210 --> 00:06:53,946
After tonight, I guarantee
You'll be...
181
00:06:54,013 --> 00:06:55,381
One of us.
182
00:06:55,448 --> 00:06:58,117
Anh anh anh anh!
183
00:06:58,183 --> 00:07:00,286
[ techno music playing ]
Mmm.
184
00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:05,324
Mmm.
185
00:07:05,391 --> 00:07:07,760
I guess when our show's
Guests include katy perry and
186
00:07:07,827 --> 00:07:09,962
Ice-t, it's a slippery slope.
187
00:07:10,029 --> 00:07:11,898
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
188
00:07:11,964 --> 00:07:14,567
Hey, grover. Hi, snuffy.
189
00:07:14,634 --> 00:07:15,735
Huh?
190
00:07:17,570 --> 00:07:18,504
Oh, no!
191
00:07:18,571 --> 00:07:22,108
The count -- h-he turned you
All into the undead!
192
00:07:22,175 --> 00:07:25,344
If you assumed I was a
Vampire in every other way but
193
00:07:25,411 --> 00:07:28,915
that, then I count one -- one
Moron.
194
00:07:28,981 --> 00:07:31,417
Aah! Aah! Oh, no!
195
00:07:31,484 --> 00:07:32,451
Aah! Oh!
196
00:07:32,518 --> 00:07:35,154
[ dramatic music plays ]
Oh, nice character intro.
197
00:07:35,221 --> 00:07:38,457
How long you been waitin' here
Watching me shit myself?
198
00:07:38,524 --> 00:07:40,960
Get him!
199
00:07:41,027 --> 00:07:41,694
Ooh!
200
00:07:41,761 --> 00:07:42,695
Aah!
201
00:07:42,762 --> 00:07:44,964
"S" is for "Sever."
202
00:07:46,933 --> 00:07:47,633
Ha!
203
00:07:47,700 --> 00:07:50,002
Flawless built-in defense
System.
204
00:07:50,069 --> 00:07:51,904
Wait! W-what are you doing?
205
00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:52,605
Aah!
206
00:07:52,672 --> 00:07:53,573
Oof!
207
00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:56,808
I see one -- one dead mother--
Oh, my goodness.
208
00:07:56,876 --> 00:07:58,444
There's not a speck of blood on
You.
209
00:07:58,511 --> 00:08:00,947
What, do you keep a pack of
Handi wipes in that flak jacket?
210
00:08:01,013 --> 00:08:02,615
No. Just this.
211
00:08:02,682 --> 00:08:05,051
One. Two --
Stop counting.
212
00:08:05,117 --> 00:08:06,953
That was a play-by-play.
213
00:08:07,019 --> 00:08:10,189
I just pissed and shit in my
Own pants.
214
00:08:10,256 --> 00:08:10,923
Aah!
215
00:08:10,990 --> 00:08:14,727
[ choking ]
Wow.
216
00:08:14,794 --> 00:08:17,530
So, I guess if you've hunted all
The way to sesame street, you
217
00:08:17,597 --> 00:08:19,632
Must have gotten every vampire
In the world.
218
00:08:19,699 --> 00:08:20,933
Not quite.
219
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,035
Who wants some of my
Count chocula cereal?
220
00:08:23,102 --> 00:08:25,771
Which, if looked at from a very
Specific point of view, is a
221
00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:27,807
Nutritious part of this balanced
Breakfast.
222
00:08:27,874 --> 00:08:30,710
[ shotgun cocks ]
You!
223
00:08:30,776 --> 00:08:31,878
Almost done there, doc?
224
00:08:31,944 --> 00:08:33,212
Just a second, mr. Peterson.
225
00:08:33,279 --> 00:08:33,880
I...
226
00:08:33,946 --> 00:08:35,381
Yes, I am done.
227
00:08:35,448 --> 00:08:37,149
I'd like to do further tests,
But I --
228
00:08:37,216 --> 00:08:37,683
My watch!
229
00:08:37,750 --> 00:08:38,885
Yoink!
230
00:08:38,951 --> 00:08:40,253
[ nerdy voice ] What's going
On?
231
00:08:40,318 --> 00:08:42,221
[ nerdy voice ] They
Announced the premiere date for
232
00:08:42,288 --> 00:08:43,923
"Star wars: episode vii."
233
00:08:43,990 --> 00:08:45,458
It's gonna be so cool!
234
00:08:45,524 --> 00:08:50,029
Yeah. It's so cool.
235
00:08:50,096 --> 00:08:53,232
♪ I should be happy about
"Star wars" ♪
236
00:08:53,299 --> 00:08:57,270
♪ but just like blue milk, I
Feel blue ♪
237
00:08:57,336 --> 00:09:00,773
♪ 'cause what if it's a mess?
♪ I can't help but obsess
238
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:06,445
♪ about all the horrible crap
They could do ♪
239
00:09:06,512 --> 00:09:09,515
♪ they could give lightsabers to
Ewoks ♪
240
00:09:09,582 --> 00:09:12,351
♪ make boba fett have a
Talking dog friend ♪
241
00:09:12,418 --> 00:09:13,619
Voiced by eddie murphy.
242
00:09:13,686 --> 00:09:14,553
Heh heh heh heh...
243
00:09:14,620 --> 00:09:16,122
♪ product placement would be
Sad ♪
244
00:09:16,188 --> 00:09:18,257
♪ plot twist, luke is his own
Dad ♪
245
00:09:18,324 --> 00:09:19,525
I'll never join me!
246
00:09:19,592 --> 00:09:21,727
♪ and everyone high-fives in
The end ♪
247
00:09:21,794 --> 00:09:23,963
All: yeah! Don't do drugs!
248
00:09:24,030 --> 00:09:27,667
♪ they could save all of the
Wookiees ♪
249
00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:30,236
♪ and dress them up in business
Suits ♪
250
00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:32,305
♪ ackbar said...
It's a rap!
251
00:09:32,371 --> 00:09:35,708
♪ and then he starts to rap
♪ and han says a catchphrase
252
00:09:35,775 --> 00:09:38,844
When he shoots ♪
Oh, did I do that?
253
00:09:38,911 --> 00:09:41,981
♪ oh, I've been burned so
Many times before ♪
254
00:09:42,048 --> 00:09:44,951
♪ green lantern, prometheus,
2 girls 1 cup ♪
255
00:09:45,017 --> 00:09:48,220
♪ but "Star wars" is the one
That I most adore ♪
256
00:09:48,287 --> 00:09:51,790
♪ please, j.J., don't fuck
This up ♪
257
00:09:51,857 --> 00:09:54,860
All: ♪ u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-up
[ vomits ]
258
00:09:54,927 --> 00:09:57,797
♪ I don't know what's real
Anymore ♪
259
00:09:57,863 --> 00:10:00,599
♪ "Star wars" has become my sad
Fixation ♪
260
00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:03,002
♪ mom wanted me to be a
Surgeon ♪
261
00:10:03,069 --> 00:10:08,007
♪ I'm 26 and still a --
Comic collector.
262
00:10:08,074 --> 00:10:09,141
Ohhhh!
263
00:10:11,844 --> 00:10:14,046
♪ but never mind
♪ these movies could be
264
00:10:14,113 --> 00:10:16,482
Awesome ♪
♪ a million force ghosts going
265
00:10:16,549 --> 00:10:19,652
On a killing spree ♪
♪ giant space worms everywhere
266
00:10:19,719 --> 00:10:21,487
♪ chewie's grown back all his
Hair ♪
267
00:10:21,554 --> 00:10:25,558
♪ I'll camp out for a whole year
Just to see ♪
268
00:10:25,624 --> 00:10:29,061
♪ "Star wars: episode vii" shot
In imax and 3-d ♪
269
00:10:29,128 --> 00:10:31,764
And starring me as
Luke skywalker's favorite son,
270
00:10:31,831 --> 00:10:35,167
Who gets the best stuff, like
Lightsabers made of gold!
271
00:10:35,234 --> 00:10:42,008
♪ and finally has sex
[ all cheer ]
272
00:10:42,074 --> 00:10:44,410
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk
273
00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:46,545
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
Bawk bawk ♪
274
00:10:46,612 --> 00:10:48,681
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk
275
00:10:48,748 --> 00:10:50,850
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
Bawk bawk ♪
276
00:10:50,915 --> 00:10:52,985
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk
277
00:10:53,052 --> 00:10:55,187
♪ ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk
Bawk bawk ♪
278
00:10:55,254 --> 00:10:59,058
Ba-gawk! Bawk.
279
00:10:59,125 --> 00:11:00,292
Wilson!
280
00:11:00,359 --> 00:11:02,161
Richard parker!
281
00:11:02,228 --> 00:11:03,396
Wilson!
282
00:11:03,462 --> 00:11:05,264
Richard parker!
283
00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:06,499
Wilson!
284
00:11:06,565 --> 00:11:08,234
Richard parker!
19710
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