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1
00:00:18,945 --> 00:00:20,843
It's alive!
2
00:00:39,172 --> 00:00:42,070
In "Tonight's news," you can
find the words "night," "tight,"
3
00:00:42,138 --> 00:00:45,660
"tits," "tots," "stew," "wino,"
"ghost" and the name "Toni,"
4
00:00:45,737 --> 00:00:47,168
if spell it with an "i".
5
00:00:48,802 --> 00:00:50,290
Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!
6
00:00:50,369 --> 00:00:51,266
Oh, my god!
7
00:00:51,335 --> 00:00:53,891
Oh, my god!
Not one more day of this!
8
00:00:53,967 --> 00:00:57,421
Not one more day!
9
00:01:07,264 --> 00:01:08,593
Oh, this is gonna be good.
10
00:01:09,563 --> 00:01:10,755
Honey, what are you doing?
11
00:01:10,829 --> 00:01:11,658
Shut up!
12
00:01:11,729 --> 00:01:13,694
That's what I'm doing.
13
00:01:18,293 --> 00:01:19,122
Ha!
14
00:01:19,193 --> 00:01:21,215
Time to go to work.
15
00:01:21,292 --> 00:01:22,280
Be careful, dear.
16
00:01:22,359 --> 00:01:23,790
You are not the boss of me!
17
00:01:27,724 --> 00:01:28,621
Aah!
18
00:01:28,690 --> 00:01:30,780
Jewish fucking holiday!
19
00:01:33,289 --> 00:01:36,515
Ha!
Are you not entertained?!
20
00:01:36,587 --> 00:01:37,814
No!
21
00:01:37,888 --> 00:01:38,875
Do a dance!
22
00:01:40,853 --> 00:01:42,318
23
00:01:42,386 --> 00:01:43,612
24
00:01:43,685 --> 00:01:45,275
25
00:01:45,352 --> 00:01:47,476
26
00:01:47,551 --> 00:01:50,516
Are you not entertained now?!
27
00:01:50,583 --> 00:01:52,378
Tell a joke!
28
00:01:53,682 --> 00:01:57,044
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk
walk into a...
29
00:01:57,114 --> 00:01:59,273
What's a rabbi?!
30
00:01:59,347 --> 00:02:00,903
Okay, I'm gonna show you these
cards,
31
00:02:00,980 --> 00:02:02,276
and you just tell
me what you see.
32
00:02:02,346 --> 00:02:03,369
Breasts!
33
00:02:03,446 --> 00:02:04,775
Boobs!
Knockers!
34
00:02:04,845 --> 00:02:06,242
Funbags!
Hooters!
35
00:02:06,311 --> 00:02:07,299
Dirty pillows!
36
00:02:07,378 --> 00:02:08,207
Milk sacks!
37
00:02:08,278 --> 00:02:09,538
Ta-ta!
Melons!
38
00:02:09,611 --> 00:02:11,133
Lawn!
Flesh pumpkins!
39
00:02:11,210 --> 00:02:12,937
Sweater meat!
Nipple backstops!
40
00:02:13,010 --> 00:02:14,532
Big, bopplin' boobly oobly
ooblies!
41
00:02:14,609 --> 00:02:15,802
Two moons in tractor beam!
42
00:02:15,876 --> 00:02:18,466
Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-
mmm-mmm!
43
00:02:18,541 --> 00:02:21,405
Just tell me your demands and
we can end this!
44
00:02:21,473 --> 00:02:24,495
There's no reason to hurt those
babies!
45
00:02:24,572 --> 00:02:28,936
All I want is for someone to
tell me that they love me!
46
00:02:36,002 --> 00:02:38,127
I knew nobody loved me!
47
00:02:38,201 --> 00:02:41,257
It's your fault,
mom!
48
00:02:41,334 --> 00:02:44,629
Why didn't you love me?!
49
00:02:44,700 --> 00:02:47,325
Veringular... we're dropping
your calls on purpose,
50
00:02:47,398 --> 00:02:50,023
and there isn't shit you can
do about it.
51
00:02:50,098 --> 00:02:51,995
Happy birthday, son!
52
00:02:52,064 --> 00:02:53,291
Wow!
53
00:02:53,364 --> 00:02:55,625
It's the mustang
I've always wanted!
54
00:02:55,697 --> 00:02:56,627
Wow, dad!
55
00:02:56,696 --> 00:02:59,526
I can't believe that you...
Hey.
56
00:02:59,595 --> 00:03:01,561
Aw, dad, what'd you do that for?
57
00:03:01,628 --> 00:03:02,650
Wait, that's my car.
58
00:03:02,727 --> 00:03:03,658
Yours is over there.
59
00:03:03,727 --> 00:03:04,715
Oh...
60
00:03:04,794 --> 00:03:05,884
Aw!
61
00:03:06,559 --> 00:03:07,820
I've made a deal
62
00:03:07,893 --> 00:03:10,380
that will keep the empire out of
our affairs forever.
63
00:03:19,755 --> 00:03:23,345
We'd be honored if you could
join us.
64
00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:47,677
C-can I get a little more
water?
65
00:03:47,746 --> 00:03:48,677
What?
66
00:03:48,746 --> 00:03:49,905
Nothing!
67
00:03:49,979 --> 00:03:51,968
I just asked for more water.
68
00:03:55,444 --> 00:03:56,909
Hmm?
69
00:03:56,977 --> 00:03:57,908
Ckk!
70
00:03:57,977 --> 00:03:59,499
Rrr!
71
00:03:59,577 --> 00:04:00,769
Pkww!
72
00:04:06,475 --> 00:04:07,531
Rrr!
73
00:04:07,607 --> 00:04:09,163
So, how we doing?!
74
00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:11,263
Leia, how's the soup?
75
00:04:11,339 --> 00:04:12,600
You ever have soup this good?
76
00:04:12,673 --> 00:04:14,332
Yes, on Alderaan.
77
00:04:14,405 --> 00:04:19,098
Hey, princess, let it go.
78
00:04:20,970 --> 00:04:22,526
"Oh, help me!
79
00:04:22,603 --> 00:04:23,932
We're a peaceful planet!"
80
00:04:24,002 --> 00:04:25,524
"You may fire when ready."
81
00:04:25,602 --> 00:04:29,089
Boo-o-o-o-o-o-o-a-a-a-a-a-a-h!
82
00:04:29,167 --> 00:04:31,564
Big laser!
Pkk-k-k-k-k-k-k!
83
00:04:31,633 --> 00:04:33,757
Alderaan chunks everywhere!
84
00:04:33,833 --> 00:04:36,923
Ps-s-s-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!
85
00:04:39,797 --> 00:04:42,422
Anyone, uh...
anyone got a joke?
86
00:04:42,497 --> 00:04:43,757
I've got one.
87
00:04:43,830 --> 00:04:47,591
Who's got two thumbs and
betrayed his best friend?
88
00:04:47,662 --> 00:04:48,820
This guy!
89
00:04:51,260 --> 00:04:53,316
Uh... too soon?
90
00:04:53,393 --> 00:04:56,483
Well, it's been a time and a
half, but...
91
00:04:58,292 --> 00:05:00,019
Lot of torturing to do.
92
00:05:00,092 --> 00:05:01,886
A boo-oop bah boo!
93
00:05:01,957 --> 00:05:03,923
Doo deedle-dee doo doo!
94
00:05:03,989 --> 00:05:05,285
Aroo-oo!
95
00:05:07,622 --> 00:05:10,950
From the people who claim
"300" is a true story
96
00:05:11,021 --> 00:05:13,350
comes the tale of our nation's
birth.
97
00:05:13,420 --> 00:05:14,545
General Washington,
98
00:05:14,620 --> 00:05:17,585
the Redcoats outnumber us a
billion to 12!
99
00:05:17,653 --> 00:05:19,447
Fear not, American!
100
00:05:19,518 --> 00:05:24,313
For tonight, we dine...
in Virginia!
101
00:05:29,749 --> 00:05:33,236
King George would like to
speak with you.
102
00:05:33,314 --> 00:05:36,336
This is a British colony!
103
00:05:36,413 --> 00:05:37,571
British?
104
00:05:37,646 --> 00:05:40,668
This is America!
105
00:05:47,143 --> 00:05:49,131
Hancock, now!
106
00:05:59,339 --> 00:06:02,770
Y-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-h!
107
00:06:05,137 --> 00:06:09,330
It ain't accurate,
but it'll blow your fucking mind.
108
00:06:09,403 --> 00:06:12,890
And the power cell recharges
as it moves.
109
00:06:12,968 --> 00:06:16,092
It's a revolution
in robotic longevity!
110
00:06:16,168 --> 00:06:16,997
Yes?
111
00:06:17,068 --> 00:06:18,192
Can you fuck it?
112
00:06:18,267 --> 00:06:19,198
Excuse me?
113
00:06:19,267 --> 00:06:21,391
Can you fuck it?
114
00:06:21,466 --> 00:06:22,295
No.
115
00:06:22,366 --> 00:06:24,558
Oh, jeez! Come on!
116
00:06:24,632 --> 00:06:27,153
Tragedy struck today as
beloved children's icon
117
00:06:27,230 --> 00:06:30,128
Raggedy Ann committed suicide
by steam press.
118
00:06:30,196 --> 00:06:32,787
Viewers will remember that her
longtime companion,
119
00:06:32,862 --> 00:06:34,827
Raggedy Andy,
died in the late '80s
120
00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:38,621
and is now a permanent part of
the AIDS quilt.
121
00:06:38,693 --> 00:06:39,954
All too common.
122
00:06:40,027 --> 00:06:42,083
While boys hang on to action
figures forever,
123
00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:45,091
girls dump their old playthings
with a cruel lack of compassion.
124
00:06:45,159 --> 00:06:46,784
But enough about
my personal life.
125
00:06:46,858 --> 00:06:49,414
What happens to girls' toys when
they're no longer loved?
126
00:06:49,490 --> 00:06:52,785
Jem was on top of the rock 'n'
roll world in the '80s,
127
00:06:52,856 --> 00:06:55,377
but when she fell,
she fell hard...
128
00:06:55,455 --> 00:06:57,114
some say right into a
cheesecake.
129
00:06:57,188 --> 00:07:00,381
quack quack quack
130
00:07:00,454 --> 00:07:01,976
131
00:07:02,054 --> 00:07:03,610
132
00:07:03,686 --> 00:07:06,809
swish swish open quack
133
00:07:06,885 --> 00:07:08,680
134
00:07:08,751 --> 00:07:09,875
135
00:07:09,950 --> 00:07:11,211
No, they don't!
136
00:07:11,284 --> 00:07:14,578
You're ruining my party!
137
00:07:14,649 --> 00:07:17,546
shut the fuck up
138
00:07:17,615 --> 00:07:21,047
You want to know what's truly,
truly outrageous?
139
00:07:21,114 --> 00:07:22,579
Chlamydia.
140
00:07:22,647 --> 00:07:23,976
$40, right?
141
00:07:24,047 --> 00:07:26,035
You know, this is really
embarrassing, but in the '80s,
142
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:28,236
I used to masturbate to you all
the time.
143
00:07:28,311 --> 00:07:29,867
Yeah, you were just a boy then,
144
00:07:29,944 --> 00:07:32,671
but now you're a man,
right?
145
00:07:32,743 --> 00:07:34,766
Well, yes... a married man.
146
00:07:34,843 --> 00:07:36,831
So, is it an open marriage
or...
147
00:07:48,572 --> 00:07:50,764
So, is it an open marriage?
148
00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:53,030
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
briefly added
149
00:07:53,104 --> 00:07:57,001
a fifth member with a very
special accessory... a vagina.
150
00:07:57,070 --> 00:07:58,864
But after getting dumped from
the team,
151
00:07:58,935 --> 00:08:00,366
Venus chose to end her life
152
00:08:00,435 --> 00:08:02,730
the way all discarded
turtles meet their maker.
153
00:08:02,801 --> 00:08:04,027
Seen it a million times...
154
00:08:04,100 --> 00:08:05,861
tried to flush herself down the
toilet.
155
00:08:05,933 --> 00:08:08,864
Ironically, when she died,
she crapped herself.
156
00:08:08,932 --> 00:08:10,727
Is that ironic or just funny?
157
00:08:10,799 --> 00:08:12,559
Strawberry Shortcake
was bullied
158
00:08:12,631 --> 00:08:14,755
for years by the evil
Purple Pieman.
159
00:08:14,830 --> 00:08:16,126
Now, for the first time,
160
00:08:16,197 --> 00:08:18,025
she'll get to confront her
former tormentor.
161
00:08:19,230 --> 00:08:20,252
Eh?
162
00:08:20,329 --> 00:08:21,692
Who's there?
163
00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:23,352
I am blind now.
164
00:08:23,428 --> 00:08:26,087
The diabetes saw to that.
165
00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:28,591
Cha-cha-cha cha.
166
00:08:28,659 --> 00:08:30,352
Still got the moves, ha ha.
167
00:08:30,426 --> 00:08:31,857
And so Strawberry Shortcake
168
00:08:31,925 --> 00:08:34,254
has been denied the
confrontation she so craves.
169
00:08:34,325 --> 00:08:35,291
Oh, no!
170
00:08:35,357 --> 00:08:36,345
Bull crap!
171
00:08:36,424 --> 00:08:38,083
Aah!
172
00:08:38,157 --> 00:08:38,986
What the...
173
00:08:39,057 --> 00:08:39,885
Fucker!
174
00:08:39,956 --> 00:08:41,252
Aah!
175
00:08:41,323 --> 00:08:44,015
Motherfucker,
take my berries now, bitch!
176
00:08:44,088 --> 00:08:45,054
Yaah!
177
00:08:46,121 --> 00:08:48,246
Whoo!
178
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,377
I told that motherfucker I'd
bury him,
179
00:08:50,453 --> 00:08:53,713
and that's not some
fruit-related speech impediment.
180
00:08:53,785 --> 00:08:58,580
B-u-r-y... bury, like in the
fucking ground.
181
00:08:58,650 --> 00:09:00,706
Rainbow Brite was a huge hit
with girls...
182
00:09:00,783 --> 00:09:02,476
and boys who
wanted to be girls.
183
00:09:02,549 --> 00:09:04,139
So, Rainbow,
what have you been up to?
184
00:09:04,216 --> 00:09:06,840
Well, after I retired as
ruler of Rainbow Land,
185
00:09:06,914 --> 00:09:10,004
I continued to seek out all the
pretty colors of the world.
186
00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:13,045
I dated a black guy, a Korean
guy, a black guy,
187
00:09:13,113 --> 00:09:15,907
a Puerto Rican guy, a black guy,
some Indian guys...
188
00:09:15,978 --> 00:09:19,341
dot and feather... a
black guy, a black guy... oh,
189
00:09:19,411 --> 00:09:22,342
another black guy... daddy was
so pissed.
190
00:09:22,410 --> 00:09:24,931
And how does Sailor Moon make
a living these days?
191
00:09:25,009 --> 00:09:27,907
I sell my used panties to old
men online.
192
00:09:27,974 --> 00:09:31,133
It's a tragedy when a beloved
icon is discarded on purpose.
193
00:09:31,207 --> 00:09:32,638
We Cabbage Patch people were
abandoned
194
00:09:32,706 --> 00:09:36,229
as soon as we grew out of our
cute baby stage.
195
00:09:36,306 --> 00:09:38,100
Adoption, my asshole.
196
00:09:38,171 --> 00:09:39,659
With nobody to care for them,
197
00:09:39,738 --> 00:09:43,328
the Cabbage Patch community fell
on hard times.
198
00:09:43,403 --> 00:09:46,164
Perhaps the greatest tragedy of
all befell Chatty Cathy.
199
00:09:46,236 --> 00:09:47,531
After witnessing a mob crime,
200
00:09:47,602 --> 00:09:49,794
the mafia tried to make sure she
couldn't talk.
201
00:09:49,868 --> 00:09:51,561
They cut out my tongue,
202
00:09:51,633 --> 00:09:54,894
but I would not be
intimidated.
203
00:09:54,966 --> 00:09:56,932
I testified anyway.
204
00:09:56,999 --> 00:09:58,295
Oh, good for you.
205
00:09:58,366 --> 00:10:01,558
I wish I was dead.
206
00:10:01,630 --> 00:10:04,289
Let's never again forget that
those girls' toys of yesteryear
207
00:10:04,364 --> 00:10:06,023
should be treated with the
dignity
208
00:10:06,097 --> 00:10:07,187
and respect that they deserve.
209
00:10:08,196 --> 00:10:09,491
Am I done yet?
210
00:10:09,562 --> 00:10:11,459
You'll know, Chatty Cathy.
211
00:10:11,527 --> 00:10:13,856
You'll know.
212
00:10:13,927 --> 00:10:16,256
213
00:10:16,326 --> 00:10:18,382
also also
214
00:10:18,459 --> 00:10:20,516
215
00:10:20,592 --> 00:10:22,682
also also
216
00:10:22,758 --> 00:10:24,814
217
00:10:24,890 --> 00:10:27,014
also also
218
00:10:27,090 --> 00:10:29,078
Ba-gawk! Wow.
14286
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