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1
00:00:18,900 --> 00:00:20,800
It's alive!
2
00:00:39,387 --> 00:00:44,222
There's 401 k's, IRAs,
Roth IRAs, retirement funds.
3
00:00:44,292 --> 00:00:45,623
Uh, what is it?
4
00:00:47,262 --> 00:00:49,196
We just fooling with you,
man.
5
00:00:49,264 --> 00:00:50,663
Man, we poor as fuck.
6
00:00:50,732 --> 00:00:54,668
Retirement investing.
7
00:00:54,736 --> 00:00:55,566
Oh, man.
8
00:00:55,637 --> 00:00:56,467
Dumbass!
9
00:00:56,538 --> 00:00:57,436
That ain't happening.
10
00:00:57,505 --> 00:01:00,997
And how did that joke make
you feel?
11
00:01:01,075 --> 00:01:03,202
Before you answer,
look at this joke.
12
00:01:03,278 --> 00:01:08,238
There's 401 k's, IRAs,
Roth IRAs, retirement funds.
13
00:01:08,316 --> 00:01:09,578
Um, what is it?
14
00:01:11,553 --> 00:01:13,418
We just fooling with you,
man.
15
00:01:13,488 --> 00:01:14,978
Man, we poor as fuck.
16
00:01:16,691 --> 00:01:19,182
Retirement investing.
17
00:01:19,260 --> 00:01:20,454
Oh, man.
18
00:01:20,528 --> 00:01:21,722
That ain't happening.
19
00:01:21,796 --> 00:01:25,357
And how did that joke make
you feel?
20
00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:27,458
Are you learning something about
yourself?
21
00:01:27,535 --> 00:01:29,901
Before you answer that,
look at this joke.
22
00:01:34,142 --> 00:01:35,541
Ahhh!
23
00:01:35,610 --> 00:01:37,601
Well, if my calculations are
correct, you have an erection
24
00:01:37,679 --> 00:01:41,137
and regret that you never knew
your great-grandparents.
25
00:01:52,293 --> 00:01:54,727
Oh, my god, save us!
26
00:01:54,796 --> 00:01:56,525
Run for your lives!
27
00:01:58,499 --> 00:02:00,228
No, my pelvis!
28
00:02:00,301 --> 00:02:02,531
Ahhhh!
29
00:02:02,604 --> 00:02:04,071
Damn it, no!
Not that one.
30
00:02:04,138 --> 00:02:05,127
That's the claw.
31
00:02:05,206 --> 00:02:06,833
You don't need the claw.
32
00:02:06,908 --> 00:02:08,569
Okay, ease back on... no!
33
00:02:08,643 --> 00:02:10,804
Don't touch...
No!
34
00:02:10,878 --> 00:02:13,073
Stop!
Okay, don't... hang on!
35
00:02:13,147 --> 00:02:15,172
Go left!
Left, left, left!
36
00:02:21,689 --> 00:02:23,020
I can't believe
we lost the bet
37
00:02:23,091 --> 00:02:25,958
and have to spend the night
in this old haunted house.
38
00:02:26,027 --> 00:02:28,723
That's an oddly complete
summary of our predicament.
39
00:02:28,796 --> 00:02:30,058
Um, we're going this way.
40
00:02:30,131 --> 00:02:34,033
Yeah, to hide the pickle in
the hair sandwich.
41
00:02:34,102 --> 00:02:36,468
That just means they won't
get into heaven.
42
00:02:36,537 --> 00:02:39,199
Well, I guess I'll go find an
empty room to masturbate in.
43
00:02:39,274 --> 00:02:41,105
Sweet.
44
00:02:41,175 --> 00:02:42,836
Look at me.
45
00:02:42,910 --> 00:02:44,207
I'm fall out boy.
46
00:02:48,716 --> 00:02:51,844
Oh, Dean,
you're the coolest.
47
00:02:51,919 --> 00:02:53,648
Whoa!
48
00:02:53,721 --> 00:02:54,710
Dean?
49
00:02:56,557 --> 00:02:57,387
Dean?!
50
00:02:57,458 --> 00:02:58,618
I've got to get help.
51
00:03:02,363 --> 00:03:03,557
Rape ghost.
52
00:03:03,631 --> 00:03:04,563
What?
53
00:03:04,632 --> 00:03:06,657
Rape ghost!
54
00:03:07,669 --> 00:03:08,795
Maybe there's an
old medical book
55
00:03:08,870 --> 00:03:11,236
with pictures of
boobs in it.
56
00:03:11,306 --> 00:03:12,898
Ah!
57
00:03:12,974 --> 00:03:14,532
What?
Hey!
58
00:03:14,609 --> 00:03:15,974
Oh, oh, oh!
59
00:03:16,044 --> 00:03:18,535
R- r-r-r-rape ghost!
60
00:03:19,714 --> 00:03:21,545
It stole my black cherry.
61
00:03:21,616 --> 00:03:23,379
Oh, my god.
Where's Tina?
62
00:03:23,451 --> 00:03:28,286
Gee, I hope the rape ghost
doesn't get me.
63
00:03:29,157 --> 00:03:30,681
Oh.
64
00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:42,398
What's better than roses
on your piano?
65
00:03:42,470 --> 00:03:44,836
Tulips on your organ.
66
00:03:47,008 --> 00:03:48,305
Toodles.
67
00:03:48,376 --> 00:03:50,071
Come back anytime.
68
00:03:50,144 --> 00:03:51,304
Even me?
69
00:03:51,379 --> 00:03:53,540
Ew, no!
70
00:04:03,624 --> 00:04:04,613
Timber!
71
00:04:07,161 --> 00:04:10,255
Why, someone left this job
half done.
72
00:04:10,331 --> 00:04:11,855
Can we fix it?
73
00:04:11,933 --> 00:04:13,298
Yes, we can!
74
00:04:13,368 --> 00:04:16,132
Ain't nobody finishing
nothing.
75
00:04:16,204 --> 00:04:17,831
I'm sorry, who are you?
76
00:04:17,905 --> 00:04:20,032
We're from the Union,
and we say
77
00:04:20,108 --> 00:04:23,077
you don't have the right
equipment for this job.
78
00:04:23,144 --> 00:04:25,374
We have all the equipment we
need.
79
00:04:25,446 --> 00:04:26,276
Really?
80
00:04:26,347 --> 00:04:27,837
You got a talking briefcase
81
00:04:27,915 --> 00:04:29,815
full of hundred-dollar bills
over there?
82
00:04:29,884 --> 00:04:31,909
No, but... oh, okay.
83
00:04:31,986 --> 00:04:33,977
That's, you know... oh, whoa!
Hey!
84
00:04:34,055 --> 00:04:36,023
Ha ha ha!
Can I play, too?
85
00:04:36,090 --> 00:04:37,318
Sure, asshole.
86
00:04:37,392 --> 00:04:39,917
Hope you like smelling what you
ate.
87
00:04:46,901 --> 00:04:48,061
Spud!
88
00:04:48,136 --> 00:04:50,263
Don't forget to wear
your safety goggles.
89
00:04:50,338 --> 00:04:51,498
Oh, thanks, Bob.
90
00:04:55,009 --> 00:04:58,001
Whew! Rock and roll!
91
00:04:59,313 --> 00:05:01,178
Oh! Oh! Oh!
92
00:05:01,249 --> 00:05:03,649
Ahh!
93
00:05:03,718 --> 00:05:06,380
Now dig these mother fuckers
a grave, Scoop.
94
00:05:06,454 --> 00:05:08,081
No prob, Bob.
95
00:05:17,165 --> 00:05:20,692
Ew, New Jersey smells
like bad tuna.
96
00:05:20,768 --> 00:05:22,065
Can we go home?
97
00:05:22,136 --> 00:05:23,797
All:
Yes, we can!
98
00:05:23,871 --> 00:05:25,498
Yay!
99
00:05:28,009 --> 00:05:30,341
So, as you can see, it's 200
square feet,
100
00:05:30,411 --> 00:05:33,039
new carpeting,
tons of space under the bed,
101
00:05:33,114 --> 00:05:34,706
and the boy scares easy.
102
00:05:34,782 --> 00:05:37,114
Does he...
does he wet the bed?
103
00:05:37,185 --> 00:05:38,550
Like a faucet.
104
00:05:38,619 --> 00:05:39,449
I love it.
105
00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:40,782
We love it.
106
00:05:40,855 --> 00:05:44,347
My name is Sonny, and I'm
cuckoo for cocoa puffs.
107
00:05:44,425 --> 00:05:46,120
All:
Hi, Sonny.
108
00:05:46,194 --> 00:05:50,130
Yep, never married, never had
kids, but I've got my train set.
109
00:05:50,198 --> 00:05:52,291
All aboard.
110
00:05:52,366 --> 00:05:53,628
Whoo-whoo!
111
00:05:53,701 --> 00:05:56,295
Next stop, Lonelyville.
112
00:05:57,972 --> 00:05:58,904
Whoo-whoo!
113
00:05:58,973 --> 00:06:02,238
Ha ha. Lucky?
You bet.
114
00:06:02,310 --> 00:06:03,971
Whoo-whoo!
115
00:06:06,781 --> 00:06:08,772
What's wrong, Cowboy Curtis?
116
00:06:08,850 --> 00:06:13,150
I just found out I have
cancer.
117
00:06:17,425 --> 00:06:19,416
That's our secret word
of the day.
118
00:06:19,494 --> 00:06:21,462
Pee-wee, Pee-wee, seriously.
119
00:06:21,529 --> 00:06:23,019
He said it's malignant.
120
00:06:23,097 --> 00:06:24,428
What's malignant?
121
00:06:24,499 --> 00:06:25,761
The cancer.
122
00:06:27,802 --> 00:06:31,397
Experience military combat
like never before.
123
00:06:31,472 --> 00:06:35,704
This is "Inside the Battlefield
- The Weather Dominator."
124
00:06:35,776 --> 00:06:40,543
September 10, 1984...
mother nature was on the rag.
125
00:06:43,284 --> 00:06:46,344
Was it merely her time of the
month?
126
00:06:46,420 --> 00:06:49,912
Bow before Cobra and my weather
dominator,
127
00:06:49,991 --> 00:06:53,552
or I'll crank
up the humidity so high
128
00:06:53,628 --> 00:06:56,825
no ass crack will ever be dry
again.
129
00:06:56,898 --> 00:06:59,059
An eternity of swamp ass.
130
00:07:01,335 --> 00:07:04,065
My gosh, that could send oil
prices skyrocketing.
131
00:07:04,138 --> 00:07:07,505
Can you imagine gasoline for
over $1 a gallon?
132
00:07:07,575 --> 00:07:11,136
G.I. Joe, the nation's elite
anti-terrorist task force
133
00:07:11,212 --> 00:07:13,806
with the nation's least
oppressive dress code,
134
00:07:13,881 --> 00:07:15,212
leapt into action.
135
00:07:15,283 --> 00:07:18,946
Almost immediately, two top Joes
were captured and forced
136
00:07:19,020 --> 00:07:20,920
to dual in
the Cobra Sportatorium
137
00:07:20,988 --> 00:07:23,855
in a desperate bid to drive
concession sales.
138
00:07:23,925 --> 00:07:25,722
That was crazy.
139
00:07:25,793 --> 00:07:27,090
Imagine if the nazis had
captured Eisenhower
140
00:07:27,161 --> 00:07:29,527
and put the war on pause so they
could watch him
141
00:07:29,597 --> 00:07:32,065
fight a mute dude in a ninja
outfit.
142
00:07:32,133 --> 00:07:33,896
No offense, Snake Eyes.
143
00:07:33,968 --> 00:07:38,462
Oh, great, the Etch-a-Sketch.
144
00:07:38,539 --> 00:07:39,938
I can't even read that.
145
00:07:40,007 --> 00:07:42,976
Much like Britney Spears'
fragile psyche,
146
00:07:43,044 --> 00:07:45,512
the weather dominator was split
into three fragments
147
00:07:45,580 --> 00:07:47,741
and scattered around
the Earth.
148
00:07:47,815 --> 00:07:49,305
Which was kind of a shocker.
149
00:07:49,383 --> 00:07:51,510
The complexity of a weather
dominator...
150
00:07:51,586 --> 00:07:53,611
you'd think more than three
pieces, but no.
151
00:07:53,688 --> 00:07:55,713
Destro, how did that make you
feel?
152
00:07:55,790 --> 00:07:56,779
Like this.
153
00:07:58,893 --> 00:08:01,760
Thus was launched a
three-fronted battle,
154
00:08:01,829 --> 00:08:03,922
engaged first on
the Island of No Return...
155
00:08:03,998 --> 00:08:05,192
today a Sandals resort.
156
00:08:05,266 --> 00:08:07,496
I signed up to travel the
world, pay for college,
157
00:08:07,568 --> 00:08:08,967
and shoot lasers at guys in
masks,
158
00:08:09,036 --> 00:08:10,731
which had always been
a dream of mine.
159
00:08:10,805 --> 00:08:13,330
Then I heard we were going to
The Island of No Return.
160
00:08:13,407 --> 00:08:17,275
I mean, who the fuck sends a
19-year-old kid to...
161
00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:21,004
I mean fuck man.
162
00:08:21,082 --> 00:08:24,313
Some attempting to return
from The Island of No Return
163
00:08:24,385 --> 00:08:26,148
would find returning difficult.
164
00:08:26,220 --> 00:08:27,482
My dearest Clara,
165
00:08:27,555 --> 00:08:29,853
this is our fourth day on
The Island of No Return.
166
00:08:29,924 --> 00:08:32,757
We've been circling around,
looking for an ion correlater.
167
00:08:32,827 --> 00:08:36,422
...to stop Cobra from compiling
their weather dominator.
168
00:08:36,497 --> 00:08:39,830
Food is scarce,
and morale is low.
169
00:08:39,900 --> 00:08:41,800
Blam.
170
00:08:41,869 --> 00:08:43,427
I never understood
that last part.
171
00:08:43,504 --> 00:08:46,098
That last part was Morrie
getting shot.
172
00:08:46,173 --> 00:08:47,834
Oh, that makes sense now.
173
00:08:47,908 --> 00:08:48,738
Oh!
174
00:08:48,809 --> 00:08:51,004
Oh, Morrie!
175
00:08:51,078 --> 00:08:53,740
Next, the fight for the
hydromaster fragment
176
00:08:53,814 --> 00:08:55,645
erupted in another remote locale
177
00:08:55,716 --> 00:08:57,149
the Palace of Doom.
178
00:08:57,218 --> 00:09:00,654
Otherwise known as my
mother-in-law's house.
179
00:09:01,889 --> 00:09:04,449
I kid, but seriously, don't
marry jewish.
180
00:09:04,525 --> 00:09:07,790
Zartan, we're late for
Seder.
181
00:09:07,862 --> 00:09:08,794
Kill me.
182
00:09:08,863 --> 00:09:11,195
Meanwhile, the battle for the
final fragment
183
00:09:11,265 --> 00:09:13,563
led to an
impromptu hockey game.
184
00:09:18,005 --> 00:09:21,031
Tthat was the most fun I ever
had as a Joe.
185
00:09:21,108 --> 00:09:22,905
It was pretty hilarious.
186
00:09:22,977 --> 00:09:25,377
We should have all been
court-martialed.
187
00:09:25,446 --> 00:09:28,279
Firing lasers at the last
piece of the weather dominator
188
00:09:28,349 --> 00:09:29,680
worth billions of dollars...
189
00:09:29,750 --> 00:09:32,685
Whoa, Cobra Commander would have
had our nuts for that.
190
00:09:32,753 --> 00:09:34,118
And speaking of nuts...
191
00:09:34,188 --> 00:09:36,588
So cold, shrinkage on an epic
scale.
192
00:09:36,657 --> 00:09:39,490
Oh-ho, my scrotum was like
the size of a walnut.
193
00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:40,891
I think my testicles
194
00:09:40,961 --> 00:09:43,327
might have actually retracted
into my body.
195
00:09:43,397 --> 00:09:44,955
It was like reverse puberty.
196
00:09:45,032 --> 00:09:46,590
I was quite comfortable.
197
00:09:46,667 --> 00:09:48,794
A last-ditch assault on the
Cobra stronghold
198
00:09:48,869 --> 00:09:50,996
decided the
final outcome.
199
00:09:51,072 --> 00:09:53,905
G.I. Joe had emphatically
planted an American flag
200
00:09:53,974 --> 00:09:56,966
in Cobra's ass... both
metaphorically and,
201
00:09:57,044 --> 00:09:59,205
in one unfortunate case,
quite literally.
202
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:01,612
We flew in, beat them like
mixed-race stepchildren,
203
00:10:01,682 --> 00:10:03,980
and Cobra Commander went to
prison.
204
00:10:04,051 --> 00:10:05,712
And he promptly escaped.
205
00:10:05,786 --> 00:10:09,051
Whew, boy, the other countries
of the world were pissed.
206
00:10:09,123 --> 00:10:10,715
They wanted him put to death
immediately,
207
00:10:10,791 --> 00:10:12,452
but we kind of
dragged our heels,
208
00:10:12,526 --> 00:10:14,926
and by that time, Zartan had
busted him out
209
00:10:14,995 --> 00:10:17,987
with a wicker-basket thing and a
remote-control snake
210
00:10:18,065 --> 00:10:19,396
or something.
211
00:10:19,467 --> 00:10:21,230
Oh, good times.
212
00:10:21,302 --> 00:10:22,291
Good times.
213
00:10:25,139 --> 00:10:27,437
Oh, for god sakes, just stop it.
214
00:10:27,508 --> 00:10:29,840
215
00:10:29,910 --> 00:10:31,969
also also
216
00:10:32,046 --> 00:10:34,105
217
00:10:34,181 --> 00:10:36,274
also also
218
00:10:36,350 --> 00:10:38,409
219
00:10:38,486 --> 00:10:40,613
also also
220
00:10:40,688 --> 00:10:42,679
Ba-gawk! Wow.
14020
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