All language subtitles for Puppy.Love.2023

Oh, crap.

Shit.

-Oh, God.
- Hey, thinking about tonight.

Why don't we just stay in?

Hang out and talk about life, you know?

Sounds refreshing, but I have
my sister's engagement thing tonight.

Oh, hell yeah, I'm in!
I'll be there.

Oh, no. No, it's... it's family stuff,

so you could totally be out
if you wanted to.

Okay, listen, Nicole,
uh, I actually think that we need to talk.

Okay, aren't we currently talking
right now? I don't...

You are completely shut off.

I'm not.

I am not shut off.
I don't know.

I feel like you're incapable
of loving anyone.

Chaim, can we just, like...

That's not even my name. It's Chaim.

Okay, Chaim.

- Chaim!
-Chaim.

Chaim!

I'm saying that. Look, I'm sorry.

Pull up to the next window.

Hey, sweetie.

-Latte with oat?
-Yeah.

Is that a girl? Oh, my...

-No. I'm not... It's...
-Did she spend the night?

-I'm at a drive-thru. Goodbye, goodbye.
-Is she cute?

-Um, here you go.
-Oh, thank you.

-Thank you.
-Yeah.

Just a quick sanitize.

This is KCLW,

and you're listening to
We Chill Radio Station in Seattle.

Next up, we have a track
that will ease your mind

and kick-start your morning
with some meditative...

There was that one time where I was
telling you about a dream that I had.

Oh. My lip balm.

You don't even talk to me
about your dreams.

And it's another pleasant day.

-Fuck! What the fuck?

- ...and to share an emotional...
-Got it.

-Thank you.

60,000 fans will be there
to cheer them on.

Welcome to
your guided meditation experience.

Before we begin, remind yourself
that this is a time...

- Okay, I can do it.
-...for you and you alone.

I'm just gonna walk into the office

and not be weird.

- Relax your neck and shoulders.
-They're just people that I actually know.

Deepen your breath in through the nose...

-Okay.
-...and out through the mouth.

I hate people. I hate people.

-Yeah. God.

-Yeah, okay!

And travel your consciousness down...

Okay.

-God...

Bro, this is getting ridiculous.

I was planning on coming in.

It's just, my uncle's in the hospital
with, um, a thing.

-And, um...
-You're such a liar, Max.

Someone already saw you outside.

And I'm looking at you
from my window right now...

circling the parking lot
looking like a freak.

Look like a student driver, bro.

Look, I know things are rough,

-man, but...
-You don't...

Are you okay?

I can't explain it, okay?
I just... I... I don't know.

I mean, my... my...

my heart's beating really fast,
and I'm... I'm sweating,

and I just, um... It's just...

You are really taking advantage
of my post-COVID,

very liberal work-from-home policy.

-This is a real condition, Sid. Okay?
-I know, social anxiety is real.

I feel for you, dawg.
I seen the commercials.

You gotta snap that shit quick,
'cause I can't protect you anymore.

You're gonna get canned.

I can't do it. I can't do it.

I'm going to talk to my fucking therapist.

I blew off the office. Again.

I did go get coffee,

but, um, it was the...
it was the drive-thru.

-Sorry.
-No need to apologize, Max.

Yeah. No, no, I know. I just... You know,
I just feel like a helpless idiot.

Well, I don't listen to helpless idiots.

Uh...

you're my therapist, so...

It's called mirroring.

-It's a therapy technique.
-Oh.

Shows you how you talk about yourself.

Oh, wow, that's... that's cool. Um...

And that... that's supposed to help?

Rarely.

Perhaps now it's time to introduce
something a little different.

Oh, yeah? Something else?

Pet therapy.

-Now listen,

if you can talk to a dog
and make an emotional connection,

it can help you learn
how to connect with people.

-Um...
-Dogs teach acceptance.

It's just, you know, a dog is a serious
invasion of my, um, of my space.

Max, we need to take some bold steps here.

-I'm... I'm not sure I'm capable...
-Do you have a problem with dogs, Max?

Well, I just...

I don't have a problem with a dog.

"I don't have a problem with a dog."

-What?
-"What?"

-I'm sorry.
-I'm sorry. I just...

That was mirroring.

Mirroring. Mm-hmm.

-Um...
-Go out, Max.

Go out and make a canine connection.

Yeah, I get it.

Hey.

-Whatever-his-name broke up with me.
-Oh, no. Really?

Yeah. He said I was closed off,
but, like, I let him in.

Like, in.

You know there are
other kinds of intimacy, right?

All the way in.

I'm just worried
Bumble's gonna raise its price on ya.

Listen, I just have a lot
going on right now with work

and just, like, life in general.

And I know that I have my needs,
but I don't need a guy for that.

Serious question.

Do I put my real height in my profile
or my height in heels?

-Uh, not needed. Tonight we're going out.
- Oh, thank God.

-I think this will look good here.

These are pretty good.

-Oh, thanks. Here.
-Mm.

Listen.

Hunter Fosterini is putting
his Bellevue estate on the market.

Wait, CEO of Crypt-Yo?

-He's hired me to stage it.
-Really?

But with the twins coming,

I'm finally promoting you to do it solo.

Oh, my God.
Stacey, are you serious? That...

-Wow, I...
-It's make-or-break.

Yeah. No, I know that.

As one strong woman to you,

don't mess it up.

I... I won't. I will not.

I will... I won't let you down.

Just make him feel good about himself.

Blur the line between stager
and potential sexual partner.

That's how you'll succeed.

Oh. Hi.

Wait, are you somebody's?

Oh, no, no, no. No, no.

No, no, no. I'm sorry.

Sorry, buddy. I've just got to go find
an outfit for my sister to criticize.

But good luck, okay?

Thank you so much

-for coming down and checking us out.
- Yeah.

You know, these dogs
do deserve a loving home.

And I got the perfect fucking guy for you.
Real beauty.

Just needs some belly rubs
and tolerance training.

-Oh, my...

Oh, don't worry, he'll get bigger.

That's a therapy dog?

Oh, yeah. He's perfect for you.

You're not gonna have
any problems with this guy.

He'll destroy anyone that messes with you.

-Um, I...

I mean, I've seen him go ballistic.

Anyone look him directly in the eye,
they're fucked!

-I don't think this is a good idea.

-What?
-I'm sorry, I just... I don't need a...

Oh, don't worry about it. No problem.
We've got some other dogs.

Hmm. Ah.

What about
this cute little one right here, huh?

What's her name?

Well, it's up to you, my dude.

Just bring her back in a week
to get spayed.

She might be perfect for you.

Yeah, maybe she is.

Sorry, I'm just...
I'm just a little nervous. Uh...

Well, hey, if you wanna change anything,
that's fine. You know?

Just run it by me first, if that's cool.

So what do I call you?

King Charles? Or Queen Charles?

What do you think about, uh, Chloe?

I think I'm gonna call you Chloe,
if that's okay.

Great.

Do you want to do a tour?

Um, I work in IT.
This is my work-from-home station.

Popped for Xfinity,
so my Internet's crazy fast,

like, over a gig.

Trust me, that's really fast.

I mean, I... I could talk about
this shelf all day.

We got an unopened '80s original
right here.

And this whole collection
is just next-level.

Oh, and...

So Brando smoked this
for one take in The Godfather.

I mean, supposedly.
It didn't make the final cut of the film.

But he did smoke a cigar in the poster,
so it's still kind of dope.

This is my keyboard.

That's not bad.

And, you know,
it can be yours, if you want.

I'm... I'm really tired of making music
just for myself, so...

Well... ...that's it.

That's me.

It's impressive, right?

Oh, thank you.

That's fine, I guess.

Wow.

Okay.

Mom? Hello?

-Princess, you're looking hypoallergenic.

Nicole?

Hey!

-Shoes.
-Oh.

Shoes, Nicole.
You know we don't wear shoes in the house.

It's good to see you too, Mom.

Hi, Sis. I'm home.

Hi!

-Shoes!
-Hi!

-Okay.
-I don't think we've met yet.

-Oh!
-Hi.

-Nicole, this is Alistair.
- Hello.

He flew all the way here
to ask Mom for my hand.

- Well, of course.
-Oh, wow. That...

-I had to come for this.
-Oh.

-Mom, is this your ring?

Well, you're hardly
galloping down the aisle, Nic.

So, how's work going, Nicole?

Uh, oh, really good, actually.

Yeah, Stacey promoted me
to head stager today, I think.

She's killing it.

Number two for Stacey Dorin,
a legend in home staging.

Oh, my God.

Nicole's a very talented artist.
She could have gone to art school.

But instead she chose to spend
her life rearranging furniture.

It's home staging, Mom,
in highest-luxury real estate.

You make it sound like
it's musical chairs.

She turned down a spot at U-Dub
for art and design.

Yeah, well, someone needed
to take care of Dad

while you were in Paris, so...

-See what I mean? Defensiveness.
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, she's been completely closed off
these last three years.

Curious.

Mom, I'm literally sitting right here.

-I mean, she parties every night.
-Yeah.

But I'm afraid,
deep down, she's really lonely.

-Fascinating.
-Oh, my God, Mom.

Why are you discussing this with Alistair?

Because he's British, Nicole.

Nothing good happens out there
past 9:00 p.m.

Just a bunch of packed bars

and people breathing on each other.

You killed it on the bridge.

Uh, no, you killed it. Oh, my God.

Yeah, there are zero
one-night-standable guys in this bar.

-Oh, my God.

-Seriously?

- Chloe, what are you...

You need this right now?

Okay, hold on.

Okay.

Hmm.

Oh.

Hi.

Who are you?

Delivery guy.

Well, I'm willing to receive a delivery.

Of a guy.

Pad thai with beef for Rahul.

No, okay.

-Here you go.

-All right.

Have a good night, delivery guy.

-Thank you.
-See ya.

Ugh.

Hey, Chaim.

Oh, I'm sorry. Chaim.

Hello, it's me.

Listen, I just wanted to let you know
that I can let people in.

I actually let so many people in.

Everyone in but you.

And I am capable of love, so thank you.

And good night. Goodbye.

Idiot.

Ugh.

Buddy, you're still here?

Oh, man. No.

Don't look at me like a person.

Okay. All right. Come on.

One-night stand, all right?

Let's go.

Make yourself at home.

Oh, sorry about the mess. Just...

- Put some music on.

Just gonna make a drink.

Yum, yum, yum, yum.

Oh! No! Ooh, no, no, no. No.

That lo mein is, like, weeks old.

Oh, God.

Is that you or is that the noodles?

Come on, we'll get you washed up.

Come on. Come on, buddy.

Okay, next up,
let's talk conditioner, shall we?

Would you like argan oil to strengthen,

or coconut milk to thicken?

Hmm?

Argan oil?

Yeah. Smart dog. Solid choice.

Done. Okay, let's take a peek. Okay.

One, two, three.

Oh, wow.

Look at you, handsome!

Ooh.

It's like I'm looking at Channing Tatum.

Yeah. There's you.

Chloe, whatever you're doing is loud.
I'm trying to sleep.

Are you trying to dig a hole?

Thank you.

Definitely woken up next to hairier,
that's for sure.

Good morning.

No. No morning-after makeouts.

Okay. All right.

Time to find your person.

-We have 32 pounds.
-Mm.

He's in great shape.

You're a tough guy, aren't you?
You're a real tough guy.

Hey, tough guy, how old are you?
Can you tell me?

"Oh, I'm two years old, yes."

He says he's two years old.

-Isn't that cute? You know what?
-Okay. Adorable.

Here's an odd thing.

I don't see any testicles,
so he's been neutered, but no chip.

-So two snips, zero chips.
-Um...

Did you find him outside of a store
with a sign reading,

-"No chips, no balls, no service"?

-Okay.
-We have fun here.

So what do I do then?
What am I supposed to do?

Well, the first thing you should do
is get him some shots for worms,

because he was a stray,
and that's very common.

And it's also extremely common
for humans to ingest them.

So have you checked your stools yet?

-My stool?
-For worms.

Holy shit. No, I haven't.

And maybe for an old Monopoly piece if
you ever shoved one of those up your butt.

-Jesus Christ. Okay. All right.
- It happens.

It happens when you're a kid.

All right, well, good luck, pal.

Um, okay, well, the thing is...

He's gonna be
a great dog for you, I think.

The thing is, I just...
I can't have a dog right now.

-I'm really busy. I'm never home.
-You're busy?

Yeah, work, is... It's crazy.

-It's crazy. Yeah. So what do you do?
-Right now, yeah.

Are you like a long-haul trucker,
or you work on an oil rig or neurosurgeon?

-I'm a home stager.
-Ah.

Yeah, for high-end luxury real estate.
It's kind of a big deal, so...

Do you still want her to be your owner?
"Probably not. She seems selfish."

Hey, she's not selfish. She's just busy.

-You don't have to talk through the dog.
-I can't help it. He's very talkative.

Okay.

You know what? That's fine.
Don't worry about it.

Don't adjust your lifestyle
for anything or anybody.

Excuse me?

Sorry. That was an inner thought.

I think you should post on Nextdoor,
maybe put up a few flyers,

and if you don't hear anything,

you know, take him to
an animal shelter, I guess.

-They'll find him a home, right?
-Yeah, probably not.

You might as well get it over with...
put up the flyers,

and then get ready to see this guy
in the dumpster.

Typically I wouldn't be outside
during a pedestrian hour,

or ever,

but it's better you pee out here
than on my floor.

So, just get it done, and then we'll go...

Oh, my God.

-Oh, God. Fuck. No.
- Hi, friends.

-Chloe, no, no, no, no, no.
- And who is this?

-Uh, she's...
-Oh, so adorable!

Come here, you. Come here.

-She's, uh, Chloe.
-Come here. Come here.

- Mm-hmm.
-So adorable.

-Oh. Oh!
-Oh.

-Oh, my God. Yeah.
-Such a sniffer.

-Whoa.
-All right.

Um, could you just...

Okay. Please, um, just... Thank you.

Hey, we should do a playdate.

Oh, um...

Okay, bye.

Come on, Strawberry!

Chloe, never do that again, okay?

Do you hear me?
I was just violated for you.

Your Canva presentation looks pretty dope.

Well, I'm trying.

I really have to impress this guy.

Next, maybe you should make
lost dog posters.

Do you think someone's gonna claim him?

I mean, maybe he's already home.
Your place is a dumpster.

My place is not a dumpster.
It's organized chaos.

-Mm-hmm. Oh. Oh.

-Oh, your dog.
-Hey! Oh! No, no! No, boy.

Oh.

Okay. All right.
Fine, I will take him out.

Looks like you got a girlfriend.

Maybe a little.

Yeah... But no, you know, not really.

Maybe it's time for a real one?

Oh, no. I mean, I don't know.

I... I got a dog, so...

Why? Because you're an ugly loser?

Okay, can we maybe stop
with the mirroring?

It kind of hurts my feelings.

Let's just try going out on a random date.

Think of it as an experiment
in conquering your anxiety.

You never need to see them again.

This is the next step.

Maybe Chloe can help you
with your dating profile.

Back on the prowl.

Ah! Do you approve?

-I'm gonna take that as a yes.

Add new photo.

What do you think? Not bad, right?

Do your magic, Bumble.

Okay. Now we wait.

Nice. Neat.

Reasonably funny.

Currently have a job, at time of posting.

I should put some hobbies.

Figurine aficionado?

How about hanging with my fluffy roommate?

Yeah?

This is stupid.

I just want you to know, if I ever manage
to actually bring home another woman,

it's not gonna change
what we're building together.

No bio. Only an Instagram link.

That's a really deep V-neck.

Why are you posting a group photo?
Which one are you?

Oh, my God.
This guy is literally in prison.

"Reasonably funny."

Okay. Oh, my God. Wow.

Your dog is a ten.

Hey.

I'm gonna swipe right on this one
for you, all right?

Damn.

This girl's out of my league.

But, as a very wise Jedi Master once said,

"Do. Or do not. There is no try."

Yeah.

Look, Chloe, you gotta understand,
this girl's hot,

and I'm kinda odd.

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Does this mean I have to
actually meet up with her?

Whoo-hoo.

She's way out of your league, dude.

-Yeah, man, thank you. I know that.
-Well, don't worry about it.

I got a three-step approach
that is guaranteed

to help you score points on any date.

Trust. 'Cause you already know
the ladies I be bringin' in.

No, I don't.

Well, I mean, you heard about
my many stories of conquest.

No. What are you talk...

You're the only person I know from school
other than me that's still single.

Take this down.

-Step one.
-Give me my phone.

You want to get
on the lady's level, right?

Which in your case,

you're gonna have to
bring her down to your level.

So you have to neg her to keep
her vulnerable with, uh, veiled insults.

-That will keep her off guard.
-Insult her.

So you want to say something like,
"Oh, those shoes were hot last season."

I don't know what a season is.

Doesn't matter. She does.

-Step two. Now you broke her down...
-Yeah.

...you want to build her up now.

-Be specific.

Talk about her nail polish
and how that's a great color on her.

-Okay, her nail polish.
-Yeah, she'll love that.

-And then comes the physical part.
-Yeah?

-My favorite.
-Mm-hmm.

-You ready for this? Okay.
-Yeah.

Blow on her neck.

-Just go like this.
-What?

- That's the secret.
-What?

Yeah. Yeah.

-That's why you're single.
-No.

Wait, wait, wait. Slow down. Slow down.
You should never rush on stairs.

Do you see her anywhere? Kind of forget
what she looks like, to be honest.

Holy shit!

-Hey.

Come on. It's okay.

-What the fuck? Jesus!

Okay, come on. I know. That was insane.

No, hey! Gross! Gross, gross.

We're expecting company. Disgusting.

She's three minutes late.

She's probably not gonna come.

You don't see her, do you?

She's not coming.

Okay, we... we should just go.

-This place is terrify...
-That is Chloe, so you must be Max. Hey.

Hey... lo.

-Hi.

-This must be Channing Tatum.
-Yeah.

"I'm not gonna give up on you."

Wait, what?

-It's, uh, G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra.
-Right, right.

Yeah, well, I think he's more of
a Magic Mike kind of Channing.

"Do I look like I own tights?"

-Uh, yeah.
-That might be Step Up.

Yeah, I think that is Step...
I don't know.

Movie confusion. Doesn't matter. Um. so...

Cool shirt.

Oh, this... Thanks. It's a band.

Your boots.

-My boo...
-Your boots.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They're whatever.

They're really, uh... really cool.

Um, just, like, uh,

-last season maybe?
-Oh.

Yeah, probably.
I got them at a vintage store, so...

Oh.

Nail polish. That's a really nice color.

-You are "reasonably funny."

-Um, anyway, shall we...

Mm-hmm.

Ooh. Hold on.

Well, they seem to be
getting along nicely.

-Yeah.
-That's cute.

He's had all his shots, right?

No, no. It's all a government conspiracy.

What?

-I'm kidding.
- Oh.

Of course he's had his shots.

-Uh, hey, are you hungry?
-Uh...

No, it's the best chicken I've ever had.
Just trust me.

-Oh, actually, I don't...
-No, no, no.

Just watch the dogs.
I will be right back. Hold on.

Check the health rating.

Less than an A
means potential for contamination.

-What?
-Make sure it's...

-Yeah.
-Okay.

Two dogs. Two dogs.

I don't even know this other dog.

Okay, yeah, don't touch the bench yet.
Hold on.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

-Okay.
-Hi.

-Just move that.
-Oh, okay, well, I was... Okay.

All right, so, rule number one... do not
touch your eyes or you will go blind.

-I'm serious.
-Why?

It's ghost pepper.
You've never had it before?

-No.
-Oh!

Uh, rule number, uh, two...
sanitize hands.

-Oh. Yeah, sure.
-Yeah, I got you.

-Little bit of...
-Okay.

All right. Here we go.

Rule number three...
maybe we just, like, feed ourselves.

Can you just try the chicken?

I just don't really, like,
dabble with hot stuff.

-My stomach...
-Yeah, okay.

-Sometimes you just gotta try stuff.
-Okay. All right.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, that's so spicy.

My God, that's spicy.

-Are...

Oh, my God. Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Here. Here.

-Really?
-Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

- Here. Here, just...

-Okay.

- Wow.
- Why do people eat this?

Okay, reveal.

Super spicy chicken,
it's a natural truth serum.

-It's really fun, right?
-Mm. Super fun.

Well, let's get to know
each other a little.

-Okay, first question.
-Oh, my God.

What did you keep
in your high school locker?

-I don't remember. It was a long time ago.
-Yes, you go.

-No. Yes, you do.

What'd you keep in there, like,
all the way in the back?

Magic cards.

-You were a nerd. I knew it.
-Nothing wrong with being a nerd.

And it's not like--
I didn't play with them.

Liar.

-Eat another wing.
-Okay.

-Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
- Okay, okay.

-Okay, it's my turn to ask.

Okay, uh...

Okay. Oh...
Wait, you prepared questions?

Yeah, I thought it...

What, uh...

What's one of
your favorite family memories?

-Um...

Like, Christmas, I guess.

Well, you have to give me
more than just, like, Christmas.

That's all I got. I'm gonna pass.

-You can't pass. Pass?
-That's kind of a boring question anyway.

-Yeah, I'm gonna pass.
-What's your favorite family memory?

-I said I'm gonna pass.
-You can't change the rules.

Well, I made up the rules, so I kind of...
I can change them.

I just feel like rules are there
to be followed.

-So what's the point in making them?
-Can you just let it go?

Wait, where are the dogs?

Uh-oh.

-Channing?
-Chloe?

-I'm sure they're close by.
-Chloe?

-Channing?
-Chloe!

- Channing?
- Chloe?

-Channing?
-Chloe?

Chloe!

-Chann... Shit.
-Chloe!

-Channing?
-Do you see either of them?

-I think...
-Chloe!

Look.

- Channing? Channing?
- Chloe?

Chloe? Oh, my God!

- What?
-Get away from her, you monster!

Hey, it's fine. He's neutered.
They're just having fun.

-Fun?
-Come on!

How do we know she gave consent?
It's assault.

Hey, it's okay. Calm down.

It's not...

She looked like
she's having a good time.

-Oh, my God.

-Are you okay?
-Do you vomit when you're okay?

No, I mean, I just, I feel bad.
Like, do you need anything?

Yeah, you should feel bad.
This is your fault!

This is all
because of your stupid chicken game!

Oh, my... I'm sorry.

Listen, I was just trying
to have some fun.

-Oh, my...
-I was trying to get to know you.

So you think burning your throat
on lethally spicy chicken is fun?

Really fun! Psycho!

-It's truth serum!
-It's truth serum!

You know what? I thought you were sweet,
if a bit weird.

But you know what? You're a dick!

-Whatever.
-Lose my number. Quick.

Okay, gone, deleted it.

-Oh, my God. No fuckin' way.

What are you whining about?
At least you got laid.

-Oh, hey, you...
- Holy shit.

-Hey, do you know where the bathroom is?
- Over there.

-That way? Jesus.
-Yeah.

-Where? How far?
-Just keep going north.

-Is it far?
-It's a good walk.

-It's far?
-Straight that way.

Fuck.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

Dear God.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Oh, my fucking God. Jesus.

Oh, my God. This...
Okay, it's happening. It's happening.

It's happening. No! Fuck! Oh, my... Fuck.
Are you fucking kidding?

-I'm so sorry, Chloe. We gotta go.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

We are never dating again.

Holy crap.

I literally...

Okay, buddy,
let's get the hell out of here.

Chloe, look what I got.

What do you think? Yeah, check it out.
Check it out.

-Do you like it?

Yes, this is where you can dig your hole.

Knock yourself out.

Okay.

Okay, Channing. Come here.

Come on. Good boy. Good boy.

It's a little fish.

-Yeah. Good, huh?

That's yours. It's for you.

I should have invested in Crypt-Yo stock
when it was cheap.

Holy shit.

Oh, my God.

What is that?

Wait, is this a room just for a tub?

Wow.

Fuck it.

Oh, God. Ooh.

Yep. Yes. This fits just right.

- Ding dong!
-Shit.

You must be Nicole.

Hey.

Hi, I'm Nicole. Hi.

Um... Oops.

I was just, uh,

really getting a feel for the space.

Cool, cool. Do your thing.
I respect your process.

Just wanted to say,

yo.

Yo.

I'm Hunter.

Oh, yeah. I... I figured.

-Want to take a bath?
-No, no. I'm good. I'll get out.

-Are you sure?
-Yeah, I'm sure.

Because I call this a room for a bath.

Right. Of course.

-Did you want to see the rest?
-Yes. Please.

I show you the world.

This is room for cook.

So, yeah, that is what I'm thinking.

I gotta say, I am vibing this.

Hard.

-Yeah?
-Yeet!

It's the Dalai Lama meets Wayne Manor.
But, like, in an authentic way.

That... That is exactly
what I was going for.

Hey, there's this restaurant downtown
I'm thinking of investing in.

It's completely inspired by ASMR.

You will eat with all your, uh, senses.

I'd, uh... I'd love to take you there,
get your feel on the flow.

Oh, wow.

Yes, I... I'm flattered.

It's the ultimate sensory experience.
It's rad.

Yeah. Um... It sounds rad.

Hey, what's going on, girl?

Yesterday you were throwing up.
Now you want seconds?

Okay, I'm... I'm sorry,
we gotta get ready.

It's time to meet Grandma and Grandpa.
And try not to judge me.

We can't choose our parents.

Okay, here we are.

-This is the place.

Holy shit.

I can't believe you're here, Max.

-Here, sweetie, have a cracker.
-Oh, no, thanks.

-There you go.
-Thank you.

I love what you've done with the place.

-It's always a work in progress, yeah.
-Mm.

-Did you see the wind man out front?
-Uh-huh. Yeah, he... he's cool.

Max, you seem happy.

Yeah. Yeah, I am. I'm...

I mean, Chloe's been helping a lot.
You know, she's pretty special.

Yeah, she's a real beauty, Son.

She's got a little meat on her bones too.
Like her grandma.

- Stop.

Is she looking kind of heavy? It's weird.

I mean, at first she couldn't keep
any food down,

and lately she can't get enough.

Well, let me take a look at her.
Here, come to Mama, you sweet girl, yeah.

-Look at you. You're just so pretty.

-Honey?
-Hmm?

Could she be pregnant?

No. No, that's impossible.

So she's been spayed?

No fucking way.

All right, pick her up
and place her over the bowl,

but, like,
in her normal squatting position.

I don't think this is how we do it, man.

It is.
I read this is how they do it in Finland.

Finland? What?

Yes. I read, okay?

Don't be uncultured, Max.
It's unattractive.

You're the one who dragged me
to a drugstore bathroom

to stick a piece of plastic
under my dog's vag... I can't even say it.

Look, I'm trying to help you with
your 16 and Pregnant-ass dog, okay?

I'm sorry.

You could learn something from her.
Gettin' laid on the first date.

Can you not be so disrespectful?

I swear I get stupider
just being around you.

Hold on, I feel her muscles moving.
I think she's gonna...

-Oh. Oh, that's vile!

-Whew.
-It's okay. It's okay, Chloe.

-She's probably just nervous.
-It's lingering!

-It's okay, Chloe.
-It's lingering, dude.

-Hold on.

-Okay.
-Oh, she's weeing. She's weeing.

-Oh, she's weeing. She's weeing.
-Oh, thank God.

She's weeing. She's weeing.

- It's on my finger.
-Did it get on the thing?

It did. Ugh!

-Okay.
-Here, girl.

-I'm sorry.
-Okay, all right.

-What?
-I got good news and bad news.

Well, what's the bad news?

It's the same news either way.
It's inconclusive.

That's just no news.

So what do we do now?

-You know.
- I don't know.

If plan A didn't work...

-Hey, can you go up there?
-No man, this is your dog. You got it.

I'm too anxious, man.
I'm anxious being in here.

Come on, man. Think about it
as a growing experience, you know?

Adding to your progress.
You got this. Here we go.

-Hi.
-Hello.

Hi there. How can I help you?

Um...

Do you sell the, um...

...the Plan B pill here?

Yes, we do.

-Um...
-You do.

I mean, we generally
do a short consultation

with the patient
who we'll be prescribing it to.

Oh, okay.

Um,

I mean, she's... she's right here.

What kind of, uh... Yeah, she's...

Uh...

He got the bitch pregnant.

Oh, yeah.

You're the two morons who got
the pregnancy test for your dog.

Yeah. They've been laughing at you
in the back for the last ten minutes.

-Is that not...
- Okay.

Do you know how inaccessible
this kind of health care is

to most people across America?

And you want me
to just hand it over to you

so you can put it in a piece of cheese.

-Um...
-Maybe smear some peanut butter on it.

I wasn't gonna wrap it in...

-I hadn't really thought that far.
-Put it in a Beggin' Strip, you know?

-No. No.
-No? Yeah?

What was the plan?

Was this the plan?
This was the whole plan?

You were gonna come in, swing hard
on the "it's for a dog" angle.

Not even broach a lie
that it's for a human woman.

And I was gonna be like,
"Yeah, guys. Let's do it."

Uh...

-We'd hoped.
- Yeah?

Why don't we just go snort
some fuckin' Adderall?

'Cause apparently I can just grab some
stuff off the shelf and give it to anyone.

Okay, I have one solution I can offer you.

We'll go around back,

and I'll give your fuckin' pug
a back-alley abortion or whatever.

-Can you do that?
-No, I can't fucking do that!

-She can't do that!
-Right. Yes, okay.

I can't do that because I'm not a vet.
You need to go to a vet.

Vets are really expensive,
and I could lose my job any day now.

I'm his boss.

That's terrifying. I hope you don't work
in anything important.

He's spending a lot of his money
on that psychoanalyst.

It's a therapist, man.
Can we not...

-I absolutely don't care about this.
-Just letting her know.

-You need to go to a vet.
- Yep.

And if you can't afford that,

you need to get in touch with
the owner of the father.

-Ah!

-She talkin' about Channing Tatum's mom.
-What the fuck planet do you guys live on?

-It doesn't matter. It's... It...
-The mom to the doggy.

Come here. Come here.

Now... get the fuck out of my face.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

It's a stupid fuckin' idea.

-I think you gotta call that girl, Nicole.
-That's not happening.

Prepare to experience food
with all your senses.

It's really nice.

Yes, it makes you question reality.

Soup.

Oh, excuse me, do you have a...

Ah! It is now time to enjoy
the sense of touch.

Okay.

Shit, that's really hot.

It's delicious.

The next course is, uh, smell.

Whoo!

Delicious.

Delicious.

-Oh!

Ooh.

-Mmm.

It's salty.
It's bready. It's tasty.

-Delizioso.

Yeah.

Hey, are you not vibing this?

Do you want to get some real food?

Yes. Yes, I do.

-Well, let's get out of here, huh?
-Oh, okay.

-Two-piece chicken. You bet.
-Thank you.

Thanks for being, uh, cool with this.

Are you kidding me? I love food trucks.

-Right?
-Mm-hmm.

There's something about
their transient nature.

You gotta enjoy it while it's here.

That's almost sorta deep.

I'm very deep. Like infinity pool.

-Mm.

I'm so sorry.
This number keeps calling me.

Why can't people just do
normal phone calls?

Um, this might be an emergency.
Could you just hold on?

-Oh, my God...

-Hey. So, um...
-Um, yeah, I'll just be right back.

What the fuck? I said lose my number.

Well, I can't when you're gonna be
a grandmother.

What are you talking about,
you psychopath?

W... Wait a sec... No. No way.
That's not even possible.

No, it's possible.
It's possible because it's happening.

That's what's happening right now.
It's happening now, so it's possible.

Okay, well,
Channing Tatum is not the father.

Well, Chloe hasn't been sleeping around.

Really? Well, she seemed kind of
free with herself at the park.

Hold on. I'm sorry.
Are you slut-shaming my dog?

Listen to me.
Channing does not even have balls, okay?

Hold on... What do you...
How do you know that?

I think I would have noticed his balls.
And the vet checked, okay? He's neutered.

-Okay, well, he has a penis.
-What?

Yes, of course he has a penis,
but you need balls for the penis...

-I can't do this right now.
-Oh, you can't do this?

Wait, how come Chloe wasn't spayed?

Yeah, well, she was gonna be.
She was about to be.

I was gonna take her to an appointment,
and then your mutt mounted her.

-Oh, who are you calling a mutt?
-I'm calling your mutt a mutt.

Yeah, well, it's better a mutt
than a slut!

Wow.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

I am so sorry about that.

Chill, chill, chill, chill, chill.
No worries.

-So you were saying that...
-I got an early sound bath,

so I should call it.

-Thanks for hanging.
-Okay. Um...

Let's get down to work tomorrow.

Okay, these puppies better not be yours.

Come on.

...or a Monopoly piece up your butt.
It happens when you're a kid.

-Uh-oh, look who's here.
-Hey.

I smell a vape pen.

-You guys ready to solve a mystery?
- Mm.

It's like Scooby-Doo.

I'll be Fred, you can be Daphne or Velma,

and you can be a young Abraham Lincoln,
'cause that's what you look like.

So how did you two meet?

-God. Please, just no.
-Can we not do this?

Okay. Really none of my business.

But I just have to say,
I sense some sexual tension.

-You're mistaken.
-Mm.

Not between you. The dogs.

You know what?

I think that Chloe does feel
a little thicc, with two C's.

I know the lingo.

Tell you what, let's get
old Channing Tatum up on the table

and we'll see
if this is even possible, huh?

Yeah, let's.

-Chloe, come here.
- Come on. Okay.

Come on up, pal. There ya go.

Ooh. Well, I'm glad you didn't kill him.
There you go.

-You were gonna kill the dog?
- How you been?

-No, just shut up.
-Should we find out what's going on?

-What's that?
-Well, that's his penis.

And that's a great penis.
It's a really, really good one.

Not that, the...

Yeah, the ball...
the ball circle things right there.

-Yeah, the ball things.
-What are those?

Oh, fuck me. He's cryptorchid.

-What does that mean?
-In English, please. What does that...

It means that he has
two functioning testicles.

They just never dropped from his abdomen.

-What? That's possible?
-Yeah, it's possible.

Well, good for you!
You're shooting live rounds, buddy!

- All right.
-Okay.

Are you ready for the next segment
of The Maury Povich Show?

-Please stop.
-Come on, Chloe, you're next.

Okay.

I'd say it's about T-minus 45 days
until showtime.

You two are gonna be grandparents.

Oh.

Come on, Channing.

Now, if you want a copy
of the ultrasound, it's just $49.95.

And then she just storms out.
I mean, she's an awful human. 750 bucks!

Thank God you currently have a job.

I'm sure I can be
a single grandfather, right?

I'm good with one dog. I can handle five.

Don't worry. I'll be your godfather.

May your first puppies
be masculine puppies.

I'm so fuckin' screwed.

I haven't really written anything
in a while, um,

but you've kind of inspired me,

so I thought maybe
I'd try to write you a little...

Or fart.

Yeah, fart.

What do you think?

I'm sorry.

Does he look sad to you?

I hate that he misses that hussy.

Dude, maybe he's bummed

because you've basically robbed him
of the chance to be a father.

You're like single-handedly perpetuating
the stereotype of deadbeat dads.

Okay, what am I supposed to do?
Max is a complete lunatic.

Well, you're just mad
because you kind of liked him,

and he wasn't into you.

Oh, no. Please.

Okay, the guy disinfected a park bench
for, like, five minutes,

like a serial killer.

Are you really gonna punish your dog

because the owner of his baby mama
rejected you?

- Okay, bye.

Oh, buddy, what did you get us into, huh?

I think you're muted. Yeah, you're muted.

Oh, my gosh.
Sorry, you guys.

-You would think I would know...

...how to use Zoom by now. Okay, sorry.

Um, so what I'd love to do
is just jump into

the customer survey numbers
that came back.

Um, I know we're just digging...

Hey.

Hey.

Uh...

Wow.

Aw.

He was a little concerned
she wouldn't go for him with the cone on.

So you had him...

Yeah, just right off.

But he's been acting strange
since before then.

Yeah, Chloe's had a permanent case
of the Mondays.

Mm.

-Look at them now.
-Yeah, they clearly dig each other.

-Oh, uh...
-Yeah?

Sorry. He wouldn't give it up that easy.

-At least not as easy as she did.
-Ha!

Oh. Here. It's my half of the vet bill.

Oh.

-Thanks.
-Yeah.

I also found some great podcasts
about raising puppies on Spotify.

I can share the playlist I made
with you, if you want.

That's actually really cool.

Look, I know how long
this whole pregnancy thing lasts.

And I do everything alone.
And I know how hard it is, and how...

Look, I mean, honestly, I could...

I couldn't have done the vet visit

without somebody else there
helping me stay focused,

even if it was you.

Thanks. I think.

And I've been reading online
about the mother's emotional well-being

during the pregnancy
and how it can affect the puppies.

And, I mean,
look how happy they are together, so...

I don't know, what if we, as friends,
got them together for a few playdates?

Just until the delivery?

And, I don't know, we can just,
like, drop them off somewhere.

I definitely do not want you
sticking around my place.

Well, yeah,
I don't want you at my place either.

Okay, cool, great.

Then we can choose some place neutral
to let them meet up.

Does that work for you?

I mean, I guess we'll be
doing it for the kids, right?

You don't deliver the puppies. Mom does.

Nature takes absolute control
of everything

and it all runs smoothly. But...

It's nice to get that cone off, huh?

That thing sucked.

-Hi. Sorry.
-Hey.

We, uh, we got a little lost. Um...

-I've never been here before, so...
-Oh.

Hi, Chloe. Oh, she's getting hefty.

Hefty girl.

Wait, you've lived here your entire life
and you've never been to Discovery Park?

How is that even possible?

Strangers, bacteria, wild animals.

But I brought a first-aid kit
and bear repellent, non-toxic.

-Very prepared. All right.
-Yeah, I try to be prepared.

I take it you're not
a big hiker then, huh?

No, I can hang.

Nice cardigan.

Thanks. I didn't know
I was supposed to dress like Danny Zuko.

This is amazing.

I could just sit here and chill.

Yeah. It's my thinking spot.

It gives me good vibes.

Well, thanks for sharing
your spot with me... us.

You're welcome.

-Oh, shit.
-What?

I just finished all my water
and I forgot to bring them some.

Oh.

I swear, I'm such
a selfish asshole sometimes.

No, you're not. Here, I got it.

-Got it. It's BPA-free, don't worry.
-Oh.

Of course. I could only assume.

Here you go, guys! Here you go.

Shit, what am I gonna do?

Okay, make sure you behave yourself.
He's doing us a big favor.

- Okay.

-Hey.
-Hey.

Hi. Okay, come on in.

Um, I'm gonna need you
to put this on, if that's...

-Really?
-Yeah, just in the house.

-Okay.
-Sorry.

-Do it quickly, if that's okay.

I'm just kidding.
You don't have to wear that.

You don't have to wear that.

Would've been reasonably funny if
I weren't being threatened with eviction.

-Yeah, no.
-They gave me two days...

You are gonna have to take
your shoes off though. For real.

-They gave me two days to decide.
-Yeah.

Me or Channing has to go.

And I'm really sorry, I just need a little
more time to figure out where to move.

-Mm-hmm. Yeah.
-Thank you for letting him stay.

Yeah, I mean, it's a big step for me,
but it's what's best right now.

-You know, for both of them, so...
- Whoa.

Just gonna have to... What?

Wait, is this really from The Godfather?

Uh, well, technically it is, but...

That is my all-time favorite movie.

-Which part?
-Not Part III, that's for damn sure.

-Yeah. Wait, don't touch it!
-Jeez!

-I'm sorry. I just...
-I didn't. Just...

-You were going to.
-Oh.

Oh, oh, oh.

Yeah?

Will you hook this up
to your Wi-Fi for me?

Just so I can make sure he's okay.

Uh, well, I can't let you on my network.

Why?

I'd have to give you my password.

-And what if you see me in my underwear?
-Mm. That is not a vision that I need.

Just please hook it up, just at night.

Anything else of mine
you'd like to take over?

Channing is used to his things,
so this will just...

-Well, it doesn't have to...
-...get him acclimated.

-He likes them spread out?
-Wait, where is Channing?

-I don't know.
-Ooh, I bet he's marking.

You don't think he is, do you?

Really?

What happened? Is he okay?

Do you want to just come over
and sleep on the couch?

Really? Are you sure?

Yes, he misses you.

- Hey.
-Hi.

We're having a little family cuddle.
Aren't we?

What's happening?

Right. Well,

I went to the Fremont Sunday Flea
this morning

and I found all this great stuff.

What... Okay. Yeah, um...

Uh, why is it here?

It's for the house that I'm staging.

This way I don't have to keep going
back and forth from my place.

It's just for a couple of days.

But look, there's a path.
I mean, it's a little zig-zag-y, but...

-"Zig-zag-y" isn't a word.
-Why are you freaking out?

-You've disrupted my apartment.
-What does that mean exactly?

I don't like junk all over my apartment.
Or people.

-Um, I... I can't be... I'm gonna...
- Okay.

Chloe? Chloe, come on.

Chloe, we're gonna...

I, um... Yeah, I'm just gonna...

Chloe, come on.

Oh, my God. What just happened?

I mean, am I crazy?
Am I being unreasonable?

I feel like
she's being pretty inconsiderate.

Who brings a bunch of garbage
to somebody else's apartment?

It's unbelievable.

I mean, I know I have some issues.

Hey, look, thanks for listening.

All right.

Sometimes I just freak out. You know?
I just...

Listen,
I'm gonna get out of your space.

Hey, Nicole, I...

This was a really, really bad idea.

I've messaged some other friends
to see if they can take him.

Nicole...

I am sorry.

Um...

I have my own issues
and I'm trying to work on them.

-Oh. So it's not all me?
-That's what I'm trying to say.

I know rules
aren't really your thing, but,

for me, they're how
I get through the day, so...

Why do you think you worry so much?

I don't know. I guess I've always
just kind of been a worrier.

Even when you were a kid?

I used to drive my parents crazy
with all my thoughts of bad shit.

It's created a bit of loneliness.

Yeah, and then I chose
to pursue music, which was stupid

because, you know,
it sets you up for a lot of judgment.

-And people really do judge.
-Yeah.

Um...

So, yeah, that kind of messed with
my whole confidence thing.

-Yeah, I bet.
-Yeah.

Then I met a girl who, uh...

didn't really care about my issues.

She seemed to love me
for who I was, which was cool.

Really cool, in fact.

And I was, um...
I was gonna propose to her.

-Oh, wow!
-Mm-hmm.

Until I got covid.

Fr... Um, from her.

-Okay.
-Which she got from a dude.

Oh.

-Oh, no! She was cheating on you?
-Yeah.

So, you know, I quarantined, um, solo
for, like, two years.

But I actually really liked being alone,
you know?

I'm better off by myself, I've realized.

But it, you know,
perhaps explains my, uh, lameness.

Max.

Hey, I do not think you're lame.

Seriously, at all.

I'm actually really enjoying
getting to know you.

Seriously.

And I will... Oh.

-Oh, my God. I...
-I'm sorry.

-No, I thought...
-No, I...

-Sorry, I was trying to lean...
-No, I'm sorry.

-Don't be sorry.
-Why would you say sorry?

-I just kissed your chin.
-Yeah, it's...

I should...

Look, I'm sorry
for taking over your sanctuary.

-No, look...
-Seriously, Max.

It's really nice
that you're letting me stay here

and I will sign a new apartment lease
right after the puppies arrive.

And I can even, you know,
help out around the house.

I can cook.

-That's okay.
-Okay, probably for the best.

Um...

Okay. Yeah, um, all right, offer accepted.

Great.

What the fuck?
Where the fuck are the towels?

Oh, my God.
Where are the towels?

What the hell has she done with them?

Oh, my God!

What? What?

Get out! What... Get out!

Okay!

Lock the door next time, dude.

-Close the goddamn door!
-What did you say?

-Yeah?
-No, no. Go!

-Oh. You are so confusing.
-Go.

Goddamn it. Okay, guys.
Come on, dogs. Go, go! Out.

-Come on. Out, out.

Go.

God. For fuck's sake.

-Hey, Max?
-What?

Not bad.

Okay, guys.

Ready?

No preservatives or fillers
or anything artificial.

That's, like, really good.

No, this is silly.
Look. Channing and Chloe.

No, I mean, it's good...
I mean, all your art is awesome.

You ever think about
doing it professionally?

You ever think about
doing that professionally?

Okay, I'm retreating now.

Okay, okay.
All right, all right, all right.

I get it.

I wanted to go U-Dub for art and design,

but my dad got sick, so I didn't,
and then he died, and now I'm here.

Okay.

Okay.

Thanks for telling me that.

I showed you mine. Play me a real song.

No, that's not gonna happen.

I'm turning it off, actually.

Thank you very much.

-Hey, I really like your tone, though.
-Shut up.

Shuffling the deck.

-Everyone has their card locked in.
-No cheating!

No cheating. Okay?

-I have not altered the deck of cards.
-Don't do any funny business.

A little bit of magic.

Was this your card?

-No way!

-It was, huh?

How did you do that?

That's crazy.

Blew your mind, Chloe.

Uh-uh.

Really?

Just put it in.

You should check out the classes we offer.

Wait. Lamaze for dogs?

-Oh, my God!
-Whoo!

Just put it in your mouth.
Just put it in your mouth!

Oh, my God! It worked! Oh, my God!

- Ah!
-Did you get it? Did you get it?

I got it. I got it. Got it. Got it.

-I got it.
-Good job, guys!

Mine is good.

Happy to see you, man.

-How are you feeling?
-Yeah, good.

-All right?
-Yeah.

I wasn't gonna fire you.

- Okay.
- Aw, good boy!

Good boy! Did you...

-Oh, wait. Did you... Oh!
-Okay.

Oh, my God.

-How does this even happen?
-Hold on. I got it. I got it. I got it.

Okay. Hold on, I got it. I got it.
I got it. I got it.

Okay, okay.

-Sorry. It's...
-It's okay.

-Okay.

-Oh.

Crap, we're gonna be late.

Time to go to our class
full of dog people.

Mm, all right.

Wait. Are you...

You're sure that
that won't make you anxious?

No, I think I'm good.

Hello, and welcome to your first
Doggie Lamaze session.

When I say, "Who let the dogs out?"

you say, "Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff!"

This is insane.

- I love it.
-Who let the dogs out?

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff!

I think we can do better than that.

-Let's get on all fours.
- Wait, what?

I'm not doing it.

Who let the dogs out?

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff!

Yes! See, dogs feed on our enthusiasm.

So we want to show them
a lot of positive energy.

We're gonna start today's class
by doing a bit of role play.

-Okay?
-Fuck off.

Can one grandparent please adopt
the female urination stance?

Now, this is a common position

that a bitch will adopt
during contractions.

Okay?

There. Good.

I'm gonna go around
and check everyone out, okay?

-Quick. You're gonna fall behind. Get up.
-Okay, all right.

Okay. Oh, I almost stepped on your bitch.

Oh, well, what a nice couple you are.

-Oh, no. We're...
-Oh, no, we're not a couple.

All right.

- How does that feel?
-It feels great.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

A gentle ear rub and panting encouragement

when a bitch is having contractions

can really help calm a laboring bitch.

So let's all pant together, okay?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

See how he's doing over here?

How are you guys doing? Good job.

Ma'am, you need to get your crotch
lower to the floor. All right.

I mean, she said
you were being a good bitch.

-Let's try it again.
-Uh-uh.

Did she have to use
the word "bitch" so much?

You know what,
I actually learned something, though.

Oh, yeah? We learned something?

I mean, Nicole, she was dry-humping my leg

and breathing into my face,
asking me to...

-Heel, heel, heel, heel, heel, heel.
-Okay, you're not even listening.

Halt.

Socialize.

-Rescue?
-Uh, yeah.

Really?

Yes, really. Yeah, really.

Why'd you stutter? Are you lying?

What? No.

You don't look like a rescuer.

What does a rescuer...
I mean, I assure you, she is a rescue.

She better be.

Hey! What's going on here?

-This man is a breeder.
-Who are you calling a breeder?

Listen, lady. Back off!

Jesus.

A dog's for life, not just for Christmas.

Yeah, we know. It's fucking September.

-That was amazing.
-Yeah, well, we're a pack, right?

This week has been crazy,
but in a good way. In a good way.

So, are you excited to be a dad?
You're gonna do so great.

Hey, thank you so much for today.
That was so fun and so weird.

Yeah, and thank you. It was a blast.

Hey.

Whoa.

-What?
-You just... You look really, uh, good.

Thanks.

Do you want to go out?

Yeah, right.

No, come on. It'll be fun.

Are you... Just you and me?

Uh...

No, no, no. I'm going to meet Shay.

-Oh.
-Um...

And Naomi, I think, later,
so I just, um...

Just didn't want to exclude you
if you wanted to come out with us.

Just... No. At a bar?

Yeah.

-Yeah, no, thanks. Um...
-Come on, it'll be fun.

Somebody's gotta walk the dogs.

Um...

No, just not tonight.
I mean, actually I have other plans.

-I've got some plans, so...
-Oh.

Other plans. Okay.

-I sometimes have plans too.
-Yeah, I get it.

You've got plans.
Have fun with your plans.

I will. They're real plans.

Okay, my friend.

Stop saying the word "plans."

I'll be back later and I'll walk the dogs.

-Thank you for hanging last minute.
-Of course, babe.

I can't believe that hermit dude
turned down this dime-piece.

-He's not a hermit.
-His loss.

He's not.

Oh, my God. Oh, God.

What are you doing?

-Hunter Fosterini just walked in.
-Yeah, yeah, I know.

I saw he texted
while you were in the bathroom,

so I responded with your location.

Goddamn it, Shay, why?

I thought you'd want a rebound beard
since you were rejected.

Well, I don't.

Really? You've changed.

-That's awesome, Nic. Oh! Oh, oh.
-Hide me. Hide me. Hide me. Hide me.

-Please!
- Okay. Uh, I don't...

Ding dong!

Hi!

Hey, Nicole. Yo!

-Hey.
-How are you?

Are you good?

No, Nicole. I am not good.

As you know, I put my house
on the market this week.

-Yeah.
-And it sold.

For 500,000 over asking, all Ethereum.

So, no. No, Nicole. I am not good.

I'm fricking fantastic!
You did amazing!

A drink for everybody! Tequila, eh?

Ah. Ugh!

It went up my nose!

You're so good.

Whoo!

-So, are you from here?
-Huh?

-Are you from here?
-Ah.

Is your family here? They live here?

-You're funny. I like funny.
-I'm funny?

You're funny, yes.

How'd you get to be so chill?

-What?
-Plus, I, uh...

-What? I don't...
-Bellissima.

Oh.

Beautiful.

-Mm.
-Oh. Oh, oh. Okay.

-Shh.

-Please be quiet. Don't touch anything.
- Shh. Shh.

It's tiny.

It's charming.

-Okay, I'm gonna walk the dogs.
-Charming.

-All right.
-Ah, look, like, little dogs!

Shh. Please don't touch anything.

-No, no, no.

Please. No touching. Shh.

Who is this? What's...

Hey.

Uh, this is Hunter.

I'm her boss.

-Who are you?
-I live here.

This is Max. He's my... roommate.

Ah, cute. Roommates.

Eh, a little small for a roommate.

- Oh!
-Oh.

Hey. Hey, no, no, no, no, no!

-I think I broke a tooth!
-Give that to me.

- Relax.
-Those are collectibles, man!

-So I'll buy you a new one.
-Buy me a new...

Can I talk to you for a second
in privacy, please?

Yeah. Oh, my... Jesus.

Relax. I'll buy you 10, 20.

Who is this douchebag?
Did you seriously bring a guy back here?

I said that I was gonna walk
the dogs tonight.

I'm just trying to help out.

You're trying to help by bringing
Italian Fabio back to the house?

Yeah. He's the CEO of Crypt-Yo.

What the fuck is Crypt-Yo?

It's the house that I'm staging.
It's really important to me.

You're staging a house for this mother...

-Hey! No!

Hey. Give that back to me right now!

You can't buy me a new one.
It's irreplaceable, you dick!

Do... Give it to me. Oh, my God.

Max, I'm really sorry.
Oh, please don't touch the dogs.

- Hey, no, no, no, no.
-Oh, little puppy!

Do not fuck with my dog, okay?

Bro, sit the fuck down or I'm gonna
give you a spanking like a little baby.

-Can we just... Let's not.

-Oh!

Ah.

-You like that? Huh?

Jerker. You want it, huh?

Bitch pig, huh? Spunk... Spunk man, huh?

Spunk?

-Huh?
-Hi-yah!

Jesus.

- Hunter.
-Come on, bring it! Come on.

Hunter, this is so weird.

I think you need to go.
Like, it's really time to leave.

It's time to go, Hunter.

Good luck with, uh...

This.

Whoo! Whoo!

Max, I am so sorry.

Everywhere you go, chaos just follows you.

Chaos?

What do you mean?

Like the things that come with having
a life outside of your own apartment?

Not just reading
other people's Yelp reviews.

You left a bowl of disgusting old milk
and cereal in the bathroom.

Who eats any kind of food
in the bathroom, let alone cereal?

-What are you talking about?

Okay, okay, but if we're on the topic
of bathrooms, do you know what you do?

You go in the bathroom, and then
you spray that little lavender spritz...

Yeah.

...and it's a dead giveaway
for what just happened in there.

-Oh, it's called being considerate.
-Okay.

And B, you are incapable of turning off a
light switch after you've been in a room.

Okay, cool. That's really fucking cool!

-No, it's not fucking cool.
-All right, you know what else...

-It's fucked up 'cause it's wasteful.
-You know what else that you do

-that just is infuriating?
-What? What?

The way that you delicately sip.

-It makes my skin crawl.
-I don't even...

I'm sorry, so I should just chug

every drink that's ever
put in front of me like you

so I can get trashed
and hook up with dirty strangers?

Like me?

Max, you are such a pathetic loser.

Well, I'd rather be a loser
than a closed-off, selfish asshole.

Wow.

-Where's Chloe?
-I... I don't know.

-Chloe?
-Oh, my... Where's Chloe?

-I don't... What...
-Oh, my God.

-Chloe?
-Are you fucking...

-Chloe?
-Jesus.

Wait, I'm gonna come with you.

Absolute chaos.
No, you just stay here, okay?

-You've done enough.
-Max! I...

- Chloe?

Chloe!

911. What's your emergency?

Hi, yeah, uh...

I guess it's not 911, but my, um,
my dog is missing and I, uh...

Okay, sir,
you need to call animal control.

I'm sorry, animal control?
I'm supposed to call... Fuck me.

Hey, excuse me.
Have you seen a little dog?

-Have you... No?
-No.

Have you guys seen a dog?
A little dog... A black... No?

Fucking... Chloe! Chloe.

Fuck. What am I gonna do?

-What am I fucking...

It's gonna be okay.

-Hey, it's gonna be okay.

Chloe!

Chloe!

-Hey. Hey, come here.

I'm sorry.

He's gonna find her.

-Thank God. Where was she?

You're still here? Why?

I... I couldn't leave
until I knew she was okay.

Well, now you know, so...

Okay. Yeah, okay. I'm gonna go.

Uh, I'll just come back later
for my stuff.

I'll see you soon, buddy. Okay?

He can go with you.

What? No, you know that I'll get evicted.

He's not my dog, and I'm not your sitter.

-Dude, seriously?
-Yeah.

I've got Yelp reviews to read.

Okay. Come on.

Hey, Chloe.

What is this?

Yeah, I miss her too.

Do you want to play?

You're not in the mood.

I get it.

Hold on.

Don't pull.

Oh, my God.

Hey.

They want to meet me.
They want to meet me!

Ah, bro, you were doing so good!
Then you lost it.

I'm not gonna have you go dark on me
as a friend again.

You know how hard it is for men
to find friends in their 30s?

Where I'ma go? Jamba Juice?

Man, I'm better off by myself.

I told her everything.

I told her about getting cheated on,
and she just goes and does the same thing.

But she never cheated on you.
You just didn't show her how you felt.

Can you just stop judging me for...

Me, judging you? You judge everyone!

Nobody's never good enough for you.
That's why you by your damn self.

The truth of the matter is,
you do way better with Chloe and Nicole.

And you need to be honest
with yourself about that.

You gotta tell her how you feel.

The chaos of the world is here to stay.

Bro, just face it.

Face it as a pack.

How's your furry dependent?

I don't know.

I feel like he would be happier with Chloe
and Max than he is with me right now,

and I still haven't found an apartment
I can afford that takes dogs.

Are you really trying to tell me you think
that dog is better off without you?

I mean, maybe everyone is right.
Maybe I am selfish.

I just feel like a fucking mess.

Okay. I want to say something to you,

but I don't want you to punch me
in the face when I say it.

That happened one time.
Okay? We were five.

Look,

since you lost your dad,
you've put up some major walls.

And they may be really cool walls,

covered in, you know,
stained glass and vintage fabrics,

but they're still walls.

Babe, you really gotta ask yourself,
what are these walls getting you?

-Who is it? It's so early.

What the hell?

Jesus!

Hey.

Hi. What? Why are you in a box?

Hey.

What are you doing?

Can you ask your mom
if this is an authentic Glengholm?

Huh? Where is she?

That is the Rolls-Royce
of Swedish whelping boxes right there.

Only the best for Chloe's delivery.

Thanks.

-Can we talk?
-Yeah.

-Look, I, uh...
-No, Max...

I'm sorry.

I overstepped.

Especially after everything
you've done for me,

and how you opened up to me about your ex.

And I'm not...

I know that we're not
a thing or whatever, but...

I mean, it wasn't cool
and I really regret it.

And I'm sorry.

Well, I really regret not dealing
with it better, and I'm sorry.

What you said was kinda true.

Yeah, I mean,
you were pretty accurate about me too.

I guess we both kinda got some things.

Yeah. Yeah, I'd say we do.

I really like having you in my life.

Yeah, me too.

Honestly, it's just hard...

It's hard to care about someone
when you know

that they can just be taken away from you.

I'm just scared, Max.

I know.

Are you kidding me?

- I could have helped with the box.
- I got it.

Okay, Chloe. Go ahead.

Good girl. Good girl.

I thought they looked good there.

Oh, my God. I missed you guys so much.

-Hey, can you take your shoes off?
-Yeah.

These instructions are in Swedish.

Yeah, we'll just attach
the "golv" to the "vagg"...

-Oh, my God.
-...using the "ryka."

-Okay, we'll just wing it.
-Yeah.

I can't read Swedish, so...

-And I don't think it says "vagg."

All right, step one.

I'm gonna miss this whole roomie sitch
after the puppies are born.

Yeah, me too.

You ready?

For what, dinner?

No. Absolutely not.

I thought we were just gonna have
a casual roommate's dinner.

Max, you helped me fill out my U-Dub app.
This is me pushing you.

All right, I don't want to be pushed
to do this. I...

Max, you are doing so good.

But I don't...
This would ruin everything. Seriously.

Well, what if something happens to me?
What if this is my last night alive?

Why do you have to go so dark?

Because I figured out
that it makes you do what we both want.

Come on.

We can watch.

Hey, guys, how's it going?
Sign up right here.

Do not sign me up.
I'm not doing it if they call me.

One more time!

-Sorry.
-Sorry.

-What is this guy?
-It's great.

This is not normal.
This isn't right. This guy's insane.

He's gotta be, like,
professional or something.

-Hey, you're gonna be fine.
-No, but this is, like, his concert.

-Hey.
-This is not open mic.

That was spectacular!

I mean, I would not want
to follow that, people!

That was...

Next up we have...

Max Stevenson.

-No, no, no, no, no. We just got here.
-Whoo!

-Hey. Hey.
-I'm not going up.

-I fucking can't. I'm not kidding.
-Listen. Shh, shh!

-I'm not. I'm being serious, okay?
-Listen. Look me in the eye.

Just imagine that it's me
and Chloe and Channing Tatum.

-Max Stevenson. Come on, buddy, let's go!
-Okay?

You're ready for this.

-Come on.
-Go.

Oh, God.

-Whoo-hoo!

Hi, I'm Max.

I'm gonna sing a song.

A song I like.

- Yeah!

-Good boy. Good boy.
-Okay.

You ready for your interview?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Aw.

That's so sweet. Thank you, guys.

Are you sure you don't mind driving me?
I'm, like, really nervous.

Yeah, of course. All right,
we're your emotional support mammals.

-Get off her.
-Yes.

All right, road trip.

You're gonna do so great.
They're lucky they get to meet with you.

Do you smell something funny?

-What? No.
-Oh, man.

-What?
-I think one of them peed.

In the car?

I knew I should have just got
the plastic covers for the seats.

I think it was Chloe.
She went on the carpet last night too.

-You didn't tell me that. Did you, uh...
-Yes, I used the Nature's Miracle.

-What's going on back there?
-I don't know. They're getting zoomies.

-Can we please be respectful of the seats?

She keeps licking her hoo-ha.

-What do you mean? What?
-Oh, my God.

I think that she might be in labor.

-No! No!
-Yeah!

I don't think that that was pee.

-Like, I think that her water broke.
-No.

-She's not due for three days!
-Yeah, but it's not like an exact science.

-Shit, we gotta get to a vet.
-What?

What do you mean, a vet?
What about your interview?

A premature delivery
can be really dangerous.

We gotta go, like, right now!

-Okay, okay, okay, okay.
-Wait, where are we even going?

-Google something!
-I am.

-Is she okay?
-Well, she's still licking her hoo-ha.

Is her hoo-ha okay?
And can we please use proper terms?

She's about to give birth.
We need to be technical.

Okay, technically,
she is licking her vulva.

-Oh, I want to try that spot.
- Nicole!

Okay! Wait.

Wait. Okay, turn right. Now.

Very good. I think we made a wrong turn.

-What? Is she okay?
-Well, she's...

Oh, my God! It's happening!

Okay, let's go!

-Why are you puking?
-Get the gloves out of the glove box!

Okay, okay, wait. Where are they?

-In the glove box!
-Do you need, like, a ginger ale?

-I don't need a ginger ale!
-Something bubbly?

-Good girl.
-Good girl.

Okay, get the blanket.
Get the blanket and lay it out.

-Come on, come on. Lay it out! Here.
-Okay, I got it.

-Put the blanket down.
-Okay.

Wait, pull up YouTube.
Pull up YouTube.

-What are you doing?

-Nothing. The dogs are tired.
-Oh, just nap time. Sleepy time.

-Nap time.
-Yeah. It's probably your nap time now.

-Go ahead.
-All right.

The female hyena's birth canal...

-You got it?
-Yeah, I got it.

-That's the best you could find?
-Yeah, I mean, it's hyenas.

...is only an inch in diameter...

You can't do that here.
Recess starts in two minutes.

Well, we didn't seek out
the most idyllic birthing spot, lady!

-But there's children.
-They're about to get a biology lesson!

You're, like, at a ten. Bring it down.
What the teacher said. Like...

Ha!

I knew you were a breeder!

- Fuck off!
- Language!

-Where did she come from?
-I don't know.

It's happening. It's happening.
It's happening. She's crowning.

-That's gross!
- Holy shit.

-It's coming! It's coming!
-Oh, my God.

It's coming! It's happening.

Oh, my God. That's like...

-Oh, my God.
-That's a puppy.

-Oh, my God.
-That's a puppy. That's a puppy head.

Vito Corleone Stevenson-Matthews,
Michael Corleone Stevenson-Matthews,

Sonny Corleone Stevenson-Matthews,
Grand Moff Tarkin Stevenson-Matthews...

And Babu Frik Stevenson-Matthews.

-What is that?
-That's Babu Frik.

-Oh.
-Don't worry about it.

Were you able to, um,
talk to the admissions office?

-Could you reschedule your interview?
-Voice mail.

They haven't responded to my emails.

-I'm sorry.
-No, it's okay.

My dad always said
that everything happens for a reason.

And right now,
I'm meant to be a doggie grandma.

And I'm happy with that.

Nicole.

Hmm?

What?

-Mm. Chloe. Chloe.
-What? What is it?

-Chloe's looking at us.
-Oh.

Chloe? Chloe, can you...
I gotta... Chloe, come on. Go.

Come on. Chloe, come on. Go, go, go.

Thank you. Okay.

-What?
-Jesus Christ.

Channing Tatum's watching us.

Come on, buddy. Come on.
Mama's busy. Come on.

Come on.

Okay, just stay in here, please.

Okay, good boy. Holy shit.

No, no, no.

-No, no, no, no! This is incestuous.

-Come on. Get off. Get off. Channing, no.
-Yeah, but you turned him on.

No, don't say that.
Come on, don't say that.

-Go! Come on, guys, I...
-Oh, man.

God. Let's go to the bedroom.

Yeah.

Oh, my God. I got in.

-What?
-Yeah, I got in.

You... That's amazing!

Wait. I'm confused.
I don't understand how this happened.

I was supposed to show my portfolio
in my interview.

Right. Um...

-I submitted a virtual deck.
-You what?

Yeah, I mean, all I did was
put, like, all your stuff together,

and I wrote a little personal statement
and hit "send."

I mean, it was just...

I can't believe
that you would do that for me.

Yeah.

We should have a party to celebrate.

-A party?
-To celebrate, yeah.

Who are you?

It'll be like
a "you're awesome" party/puppy shower.

Okay, where are we having this party?

Here. In the apartment.

Wait a second.

Wait, you're telling me you are going
to have actual humans in your sanctuary?

I mean, obviously they're gonna be
wearing booties and masks.

No, I... Obviously
I don't think that they will.

Nicole, I don't want you to move out.

Then I won't.

Congratulations, my darling.

-Thank you, Mom.
-Oh!

So we do have a no shoes
and a hand sanitizer policy.

Oh.

-Sounds like my kind of party.
- I thought so.

Thank you.

Oh, wow.

Oh, she's such a sniffer!

Mm.

Diane Matthews.

Nicole's mother.

Sid Saliba, Max's father...

figure, role model and boss.

Mm.

That scarf is chic as shit,
a few seasons ago.

But, ooh,
that nail polish is beautiful on you.

Really brings your eyes out.

When this party's over...

take me somewhere sophisticated.

Yes, ma'am.

-Now? Oh, my... Ugh!
-Get the gloves out of the glove box!

-Okay, okay. Wait, where are they?
-In the glove box!

Okay.

They're not in here!
They're not in here. We don't have them.

Okay, well, the show must go on. Okay.

Delicious!

Delicious.

Shit.

It literally smells like crotch.
It's so bad.

She's still licking her hoo-ha!

Well, is everything okay
with her hoo... with her hoo-ha?

And can we please use...
Okay, one more time.

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-ha.

Stay! Good girl. Stay. Stay. Stay.

-Bitch pig, huh?

Come on! You want it, you bitch pig?

Come on.

Let's go. All right, hold on. Huh?

Who the hell you think you talkin' to?

Your mother does not have a hot brother.
Oh, fuck me.

You have me in my head about my teeth now.

- Huh?

Let us see your teeth.
Please show us your teeth.

Stop.

More teeth.

And cut.

-Puppies! Puppies, puppies!
-Puppies! Hey, hey!

Fuck! Sorry, guys. We just tooth banged.

That hurt so bad. Sorry.

Let's reset.

I mean, we generally do
a short consultation with the patient.

What type of...

-What do you need to... I'm sorry.

Um...

Yeah, so what kind of...
So sorry.

Okay. Fuck.

-Yes, yes. Really good.

Keep finding your place, okay?
You supple little bitch.