All language subtitles for 015 - 02x06 - fat chance

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In the bad old days,

when India was full of
millionaire maharajahs,

these fellows used to
bump off their wives

with astonishing frequency.

Oddly, they all used
the same method,

and very royal
and maharajah-ish it was.

Not for them a coarse
bash on the head

or a bloody running-through
with a sword

or a slashing of the throat.

They used tigers' whiskers.

A maharajah intent upon
disposing of his wife

would first go out
and shoot a tiger.

He would then
cut off its whiskers.

These whiskers,
which were as sharp and spiky

as slivers of glass,

would be chopped up
into small pieces

and sprinkled on
the maharanee's curry at dinner.

When eaten,

they would perforate the lining
of her intestine

and kill her off
within two days.

In other countries,

tigers' whiskers
are rather hard to come by,

so we husbands have to use
other, less refined methods,

as you will see in a moment.

WOMAN: Good night,
Mr. Burge.

Good night, Mavis.

[Chimes jingle]

[Bells tolling]

Good night, Mr. Boyle.

MAN:
Good night, Frances.

[Chimes jingle]

Isn't it time you
settled your account?

I came prepared.

When this started,
you had a sob story

about helping some
young drug addict--

red tape about
overprescribing.

That young addict
doesn't seem to be

responding to
your treatment.

I'll tell you
the truth, John.

We doctors are
sorely tempted.

You've only to look
at our suicide rate.

I got hooked
on the stuff myself.

That's what I thought
all along.

I take risks for you.

And I pay for them.

It's been simple to
oblige you so far,

but one day, someone's
going to count the tablets

they get in a bottle.

Most of the people
on these

are too confused,
disturbed to count.

And I suppose
my little contribution

helps with your, uh...

With my?

Inflation must have
made adultery

impossibly expensive.

How's your wife?

11 stone and 12 pounds.

I know exactly because
the slimming clinic

gives her a little card.

She has a weight-loss
target.

But as she's always going up
instead of down,

she hides it...
but I know where.

[Music playing on television]

And George
simply won't know.

Well, suppose George
finds out.

If he finds out,
I'll be glad.

Yes, glad.

And Phyllis?

What about Phyllis?

Phyllis will be so busy
thinking about herself,

she won't have to--

MAN: No, no, no.

Derek, dear boy,

you're giving me
absolutely nothing.

I know we're
only rehearsing,

but it must have
a little...

[Talking continues indistinctly]

[WHISPERING]
"Phyllis. Phyllis,

"let's try to be sensible
about all this.

We have to think
of the children."

How's the pig?

Shh!

Women are awful.
You're awful.

Men have some kind
of loyalty, but women...

Mary is your best friend,
and you call her "the pig."

It's good for us

she still thinks
I am her best friend.

What do you call her...
in your mind?

The fat pig.

A fat, fat, fat pig.

When they weigh her,

they must need
a crane--

a strap
round her belly

like when
they weigh sows.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, I see.

Could we have
a little quiet up there,

please?

Sorry.

MAN: Thank you.

[WHISPERING]
Where have they gotten to?

They're still
on Act One.

MAN ON TELEVISION:
...Obvious by the shape of it

that it is a whistle.

In fact, if I put it
in my mouth and blow,

you'll hear it will blow.

[Blows whistle]

And it has a slide,
up and down like this.

So one would presume
that, um,

the whistle would vary
when you did that,

but it doesn't,

because the whistle part of it
finishes there,

and then on the side of it,

it has
a funny little probe out here

which, when you push it down,

the point comes through
the bottom end.

[Actors talking indistinctly]

I can't wait, John,
not any longer.

Oh, the way
the old sow

is stuffing herself
now,

she'll eat herself
to death.

Her heart
won't take it.

I can't wait
for her heart.

What about my heart?

I love you, Frances.

If you loved me...

you'd get a divorce.

I have an idea.

Supposing
you told her

I was stepping
out of line,

perhaps with one of
the girls in the show,

and sound her out.

Half like a joke,
say,

"Would you ever
divorce him?"

MAN: Act Two, please.
Act Two.

Come on, John.

All right, Damien.

We're coming.

Never.

But suppose.

Oh, it's probably
not serious,

just a last fling,

but suppose he just
walked out on you,

ran off with her.

Who is she?

Oh, I have no idea.
It's just gossip

he's been seen
with someone.

He wouldn't
leave me.

John couldn't.
He isn't the type.

But if he did,
he'd be sorry.

I can tell you that.

You must have seen
enough divorce cases

go through
your office.

I'd see that he paid.

I'd get every last penny
the court would give me.

By the time I'd
finished with him,

him and his little
tramp--

whoever she is--

they'd be sorry
they started.

I've asked you not
to use my razor for that.

It clogs the head.

Well, buy me
one of my own, then.

You sell them.

Did you bring me
that barley sugar?

Yes.
Oh.

Don't look at me
like that.

These are non-fattening.

It's low-calorie
glucose.

You compulsive eaters
are worse than alcoholics.

You've always an excuse.

[Sigh]

I'm not a compulsive
eater.

I've got a problem
with my metabolism.

[Scoffs]

Well, how was
the rehearsal?

Uh, pretty good.

We've blocked out
half Act Two.

Who are the girls
in the company?

Well, apart
from Frances, uh...

there's that blonde
from the gas board.

She was in "Rookery Nook."

And, uh, the brunette,

who was in
"French Without Tears."

Hmm.

Oh, and there's
a mousy little thing,

but she's
just a walk-on.

She's, uh...works
in the public library.

It's the mousy
little thing

I'd wonder about.

What?

Well, if you were
straying, John,

the one you'd run down
is the one I'd suspect.

Ohh.

John...

do you love me?

Of course I do.

You never say so.

Well, after 10 years,
it gets forgotten.

Do you know what
I'd really love you for?

What?

If you heard me my lines
before we went to sleep.

Act Two--
it's a devil to learn.

"What's between us
is real.

You can't say
it isn't."

I never said
it wasn't real.

I said it was
dangerous.

"Dangerous for who?"

Dangerous for you--
for you.

It's not
a very good play, is it?

These things
are best discussed

over a good dinner.

Oh, I agree--

preferably
on a banquette,

with a very good wine.

Soho?

Or we could go slumming
at the Ritz.

[Laughing]

Jolly good.
Absolutely splendid.

Now, can we have
Derek and Annie, please?

Act Two, Scene One.

JOHN: Well,
in that case,

divorce is out.

I've still a bank loan
from redoing the shop.

I'd go bust, love.

Have you thought

that you and I
are uniquely qualified

for one way out?

I work for a solicitor,
so I know the law.

You're a pharmacist,
so...you know...

Know what?

All about sickness
and death.

DOCTOR: Thanks.

I found a harmless
little pill

that looks exactly
like those,

so I slip half a dozen
into each prescription.

And I've not had
one complaint.

For some conditions,

you can
prescribe pills

made of chalk
and sugar,

and 40%
of your patients

say it makes them
feel better.

How's your practice?

Could be brisker.

Not full up, then?

Wish I was.

JOHN: I'm worried
about Mary.

The hospital's told her
if she doesn't lose weight,

she'll kick the bucket.

Strain on the heart.

I got her to go
to a slimming clinic.

Now she's packed it in.

Her doctor's Gregson.

Ooh. Gregson.

He can't
make her listen.

He doesn't seem to care.

I was wondering if we might
transfer her to you

as our dear, old
family doctor,

counselor, and friend.

Well, of course.

You'll have to
tell Gregson.

Mary doesn't seem
to respond to him.

I put it frankly--

a change of doctor

might bring
a change of heart.

All you have to do
is fill in page 3

of your medical card.

Isn't there some
affinity between, uh...

compulsive eaters
and other addicts?

You might understand
her, identify,

help her more than
a teetotal square

like Gregson.

Do you want some...
favor of me, John?

I might.

You are clever,
getting Dr. Applegate.

You're sure he's hooked?

Line and sinker--
and hard-line.

I could get him
struck off the register,

ruin him.

We'll have to wait
just a bit longer.

A medical
practitioner

may not issue
a certificate

unless he had been
in attendance

upon the deceased

during his or her
last illness.

I looked it up
today.

[Applause]

[All talking at once]

MAN: You were
awfully good, John.

WOMAN: Frances
was marvelous.

Who did the scenery?

I've seen worse
in the West End.

Oh, look,
the star!

Hey, look, everybody,
the star!

[Cheering and applause]

Time that came down.

What'll be the next?

"Hay Fever"
or "Gaslight."

"Gaslight" would be
best for you.

I may not be here,
John.

What?

I can't take this
any longer,

being the other woman.

I've got
an open-date return.

I loathe my sister.
I loathe her husband.

But Philadelphia's
packed with lawyers.

I might stay on
and look for a job.

English secretaries
are a status symbol there.

I could double my money...

and perhaps
find someone.

Frances...

I've had it, John.

All this hole-and-corner
stuff, I've had it.

My flight's at 12:50,

so I have to be up
at the crack.

I called in on Mary
to say good-bye.

The Bates were there.

I gave a very good
impression

of Mary's oldest friend.

I thought it might help.

Help with what?

Help with what
you've got to do, John.

If you want me...

They kill pigs every day
by the thousand.

Haven't you got the nerve
to get rid of just one?

I thought of
everything--

drive the car
in the river,

get out myself--

It has to be something
that doesn't need an inquest,

something that
Dr. Applegate

can certify
as natural causes.

There is one way.

At last. How?

It's better
you don't know.

Send me a telegram.

"Regret inform you..."

I'll be back,
but not unless.

I'll do it, Frances,
I promise.

I love you.

Oh, I love you,
but only if...

[Chimes jingle]

[Groaning]

[Gunshots on television]

Don't be a darn fool,
Tanner.

Get down here,
or I'll blast you down.

I'm warning you.
Get down!

[Man groans]

Drop that gun,
Tanner.

I'm telling you,
drop it!

[Gunshot]

We've run out of
barley sugars.

I--I knew you'd mind,

so I brought you
these.

Mmm.

Hmm.

Must be a thousand
calories in those.

What about
the marron glace?

The Bates brought them.

Oh, Frances came round
to say good-bye.

Some people come,

eat you out of
house and home,

never bring a thing.

At least the Bates
always bring something,

even if it's only
flowers from the garden.

Oh, Dr. Applegate
called.

I don't know why.

Most of them won't
visit nowadays

unless you're
on your last legs.

Huh. Money, perhaps.

I think they get more
for a home visit.

Why did you change

from Dr. Gregson
to Dr. Applegate?

Oh, I didn't think
Gregson was helping you

with your problem.

I don't have a problem.

I've got a metabolic
condition.

Dr. Applegate gave me
a long lecture.

He was very sympathetic.

I rather like
Dr. Applegate, actually.

[Chuckle]

No. I think I'll
save the chocolates

till tomorrow.

[Man speaking indistinctly
on television]

Ahh.

You want some supper?

Good night,
Mr. Burge.

Good night, Mavis.

Oh, hello, Johnny.

What are you doing?

I've got...

I think I've got a sty.

Didn't bring me my
barley sugar, did you?

Um, I'm so sorry.

There's something wrong
with delivery,

so we're still
out of stock.

Good. I'm glad.

It was Dr. Applegate
helped me to see.

See what?

This eating.

It's all a matter
of--of will.

Oh, I know, there's
the metabolic, um--

what did he call it?

The metabolic
idiosyncrasy, too,

but in the end,

it all comes down
to will,

to wanting to be slim.

I've never been
a religious person,

but now I know what
they mean by conversion.

I've been converted,
Johnny.

I've seen the light.

I'm going back
to the clinic.

They've set me
a target.

Uh, yes.

Um, I'm gonna lose
3 pounds every week.

I'm going to do it--

not just for me,
but for you.

That's the important
thing.

I've--I've thrown away
all that muck--

all the biscuits and
marron glace and cakes.

So that box of chocolates
I brought you

was a waste of money?

It's not a waste!

I gave it
to Frances!

Frances?

But she's gone.

There was a strike
at London Airport.

Her flight's
been delayed

till this afternoon,

so I gave her the chocs
to take on the trip.

I bet she's guzzling
those soft centers now

over the Atlantic,

and I don't feel
a trace of envy,

not a trace.

I'm gonna make you
a wonderful supper.

We're gonna have
grated carrots

and lettuce
and cottage cheese.

I'll be as thin
as a rake, Johnny,

and you'll love me.

You'll tell me
you love me.

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