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1
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Jack, wake up.
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Jack?
3
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-Oh, no, I think there's a tickle bug in the couch.
-Not a tickle bug! Not a tickle bug! Not a tickle bug!
4
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What's going on? Why am I in your apartment?
5
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What did you do to me?
6
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Oh, God. Please tell me I put up at least a token show of resistance.
7
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Relax, we all went out clubbing last night. You had two light beers,
got the hiccups, and made us carry you home.
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All I remember is a strange man putting his hand down my khakis.
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Yeah, that was you.
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Oh, hi.
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Wow, I can't remember the last time I was out that late.
12
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I know. It was wild. I fell into bed without even flossing.
13
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We're kind of like rock stars.
14
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Well, morning boys. I see we paired off last night.
15
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Ooh-hooh. That Grace is a tigress.
16
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Girl sure knows how to put a smile in a lady's pants.
17
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Karen, Grace passed out the minute she hit the pillow. Nothing happened between you two.
18
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Well... That's not what it says on your bathroom wall.
19
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Which reminds me, stop writing on my bathroom wall.
It took me three weeks to scrub off "I heart Mescaline."
20
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Hey, now, I'm hearing a lot of words... and none of them are "Jack."
21
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Remember, this weekend's all about me. I'm the one graduating from nursing school tomorrow.
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You're right. And we're very proud of you. But I've been meaning to ask you, it's been five months. How on Earth are you graduating already?!
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Oh, I had 16 credits from my vacation in Mexico. Yeah, I clouded over the first few days,
so I decided to take a few courses from the local medical school.
24
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I don't know what they were, because I don't speak Spanish.
25
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But, uh, they were handing those credits out like candy.
26
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I think some of them even may have been candy.
27
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Well, thanks for clearing that up. And remind me the next time I have to go
to the emergency room, we're going to Canada.
28
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Well, poodle, I haven't forgotten that your graduation is tomorrow. That's why I have planned a whole day of beauty for you.
29
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They'll be manies and pedies, gentlemen's facials, and when you least expect it... a colonic.
30
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Oh, don't forget. I have to make time to write my speech. I was voted most popular, so I get to speak at the ceremony.
31
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hat's some school you're graduating from.
32
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Take credits from a Cancun vacation, most popular gives the speech.
Stay one more week, maybe you'll get your pilot's license.
33
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Look, you guys. Look it. My name's even on the invitation.
34
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See, "Commencement address by most popular student nurse, Jack McFarland." That's me!
35
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Uh, poodle, do you notice anything strange about this invitation?
36
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Oh, my God, they spelled my name wrong!
37
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No, they didn't.
38
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Then what?
39
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Well, it says the ceremony's on Saturday, not Sunday. Today is Saturday.
40
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Oh, my God, I must've read it wrong. Oh, no. Oh, my God!
41
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God, I haven't seen him run like that since he wore Capezios in the Bronx.
42
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Hurry up, Will! I know it's a challenge. You're probably not used to working with this much hair.
43
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Yeah, well, we'd be a lot further ahead if you hadn't insisted we try the "Rachel" first.
44
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Will, I tried to wake Grace, but she's sleeping like a log. And there's ants on her,
and she's lying in a shallow pool of water.
45
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Forget about her. We'll wake her later. She only needs like three minutes anyway.
Two swipes of Right Guard and a stick of Trident, she's good to go for any occasion.
46
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Okay, Jackie. Let's suit up. I stole this out of Will's closet.
47
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Why does he have a Peter Pan outfit in there?
48
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We went to Sandy Duncan's yard sale.
49
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Yeah, I picked up a "Hogan Family" crew jacket for just ten bucks.
50
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Fags are a hoot.
51
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this fits a little snug.
52
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ut that's impossible. Will's like three times my size.
53
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Here, I'll just do one button. Maybe that'll help. Darn it! It's still too tight! What's going on?!
54
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Poodle, it's nothing to worry about. It's probably just monthly bloat.
55
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I just got mine, and now you're getting yours.
56
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You know, when gals hang around together as much as we do...
57
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they tend to sync up.
58
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At least there's a reason for it.
59
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Hey, is that my jacket? Looks a little tight on you.
60
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Hey, why you frontin'?
61
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I could fit two of me in one of your Marlon Brando size jackets.
62
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Nonsense.
63
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Oh, gosh. I'm proud of our little boy. Graduating from school.
64
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Could I be honest with you, Will? I've always thought that Jack was an idiot.
65
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Well, now that idiot will hold other people's lives in the palm of his hand.
66
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Will, can I kiss you?
67
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All right.
68
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Hey, lookin' good. Pants look a little tight, though.
69
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No, they're not. And stop trying to project your morbid obesity onto me.
70
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Okay. Guess I've been wearing them wrong. You know, buttoning and zipping them all these years.
71
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All right, we're dressed, we're coiffed. You had your surprise colonic.
72
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And you were right, Karen. I did not see that coming.
73
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Nor I.
74
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Now all you need is your speech.
75
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Oh, my God, I forgot to write my speech! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh--!
76
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Jack, Jack. Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack. It's okay.
You can do this. Just talk about why you got into nursing.
77
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I don't know why. I just kind of stumbled into it. I'm not like you. You've always wanted to be a lawyer.
Ever since you were an angry, argumentative baby in pin-striped diapers.
78
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That's not true. I actually started out as a playwright, and then I went into law.
79
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Playwright?! You talkin' about that stupid little play you wrote about being pimply and closeted?
80
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For your information, that "stupid little play" was my coming out story, Bye-Bisexual.
81
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That play was genius. You--you-- My playwrighting professor, Craig, even said so.
He told me that I was a great writer, and any man would be lucky to have me.
82
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He even took me to a wine bar and then back to his apartment to discuss it.
83
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Wait.
84
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o you wrote a bad play, and you were molested.
85
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Welcome to the theater.
86
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Can we get back to my speech, please? I only have an hour.
87
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You know, I think I may still have a copy of Bye-Bisexual in a satin box with all of Craig's letters.
88
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So, Karen, what should be in my speech? I want it to be memorable.
It should have a catch phrase like "I have a dream" or "Whoomp, there it is."
89
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Well... Why don't you write about how you wanted to become a nurse because you love helping people.
90
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Good one, Karen. Come on, Karen. Be serious. How does anybody know why they do what they do?
91
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Well, Jackie, let me tell you my story. Maybe it'll inspire you. Now...
92
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God didn't give me the ability to play the piano, or paint a picture, or have compassion.
93
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But... he did give me the ability to crack a walnut with my hoo-ha.
94
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Really?
95
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Here, let me show you.
96
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Got it! Boy, are you guys in for a treat. Listen to this poetry, even in the opening stage direction.
97
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"Darkness, a sliver of light finds its way upon the stage and lands on a dark chair.
98
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Because it is somewhat dark, we cannot see the whole chair.
More light appears and inhabits the entire chair. Now we can see it.
99
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A dark chair on a dark stage with some light.
100
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Dim."
101
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Jackie, could you beat me over the head with that candlestick until I black out and die?
102
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You wouldn't know good writing if it slapped you in the face.
103
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Jackie, once I'm dead, could you see to it that I'm slapped in the face?
104
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Come on, it gets better after the, uh, first five pages of stage directions.
105
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Here, here, here. "Chad, evasively: I don't know why I don't have a girlfriend,
Dad. I-I guess I just haven't met the right--dot, dot, dot--person yet.
106
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But when I meet that--beat--person, I'll introduce you to--beat--them.
107
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Then he addresses the audience. "There is no them. Them is he. I'm gay! Why can't I tell anyone?"
108
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God, this is awful.
109
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I know, it should've been called Bye-Bye Talent.
110
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That's a good one.
111
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I can't believe this. All these years, I really thought I had talent. It's--it's one of the main reasons I feel superior to people.
112
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Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. You were only 18. That's like the ninth grade.
113
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-Hey, I bet if you tried writing now, with all your life experience and maturity, you'd be a hell of a lot better.
-I don't know.
114
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Sure you would. Hey. Why don't you take a crack at writing my speech, huh?
Yeah, I bet when I read it, if people are moved, you'll know you really do have something.
115
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That's not a bad idea. I could write it in the limo.
116
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Yeah, honey, why don't you go grab your lucky pen?
117
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-How do you know I have a lucky pen?
-Your kind always does.
118
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Ha ha! Did you see that, Karen? Did you see how I tricked Will into doing my speech by pretending to care about his writing?
119
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I did. Honey, I was proud of you.
120
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Hey, can I be honest with you, Karen? I've always thought Will was an idiot.
121
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Oh, my God, honey! I just said the same thing about you a minute ago.
122
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Hello! Reason we're friends!
123
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Speech, speech. So, uh, Jack, what was the inciting incident that got you into nursing?
124
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Well... I met a cute guy in a nurse's outfit and followed him into the bathroom.
125
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Okay, inquisitive. "Always had an inquisitive nature." Go on.
126
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And then I looked over the stall and said "good for you."
127
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"Always had an appreciation of anatomy."
128
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Now, were there any nurses that influenced you growing up?
129
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That would probably have to be Diahann Carroll on "Julia."
130
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And a nurse.
131
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You know, I worked with Diahann on my two-episode arc of "Dynasty."
132
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Yeah, couldn't remember her blocking.
133
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Okay, how 'bout something like this? "Welcome. Picture this. A child in front of a television set fascinated by nurses saving lives.
134
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-Picture this. The child grown older now. Inquisitive. Now, picture this--"
-Honey, picture this. This emery board going into your eye.
135
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All right, let me read what I have so far. "I wasn't always a nurse, you know. I was an actor, then a cater waiter,
136
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then an actor, then a cater waiter, then a singer, then an actor, then a cater waiter.
137
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" What do you think?
138
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Will, I don't know if this helps you or not. But while I was in nursing school, I was a cater waiter.
139
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Ooh, okay. How 'bout this? "It's like I was born to serve others."
140
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-Honey, you're on to something.
-Ooh, I like it too. Just add the word "chicken" on the end of the sentence.
141
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Hey, it's Rosario. Driver, pull over.
142
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Hi, honey. You look good.
143
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I like those knee-highs.
144
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Are they opaque?
145
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-Forget it. You're not getting my hoagie.
-Then nobody does.
146
00:14:10,789 --> 00:14:13,317
-Uh, did you get my wrist corsage?
-Yes, I did.
147
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Oh, thank you. God, could you imagine if I graduate without any flowers on my wrist?
148
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I'd be the laughing stock of all the nurses in all the land.
149
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Okay. I think I got it. You ready?
150
00:14:29,765 --> 00:14:30,908
What's going on?
151
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Oh. Let me get you up to speed. I own you. And what we're doing is none of your business.
152
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Lady, don't be surprised if your martinis smell of Clorox tonight.
153
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Hey, hey, hey, guys. Come on.
154
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Okay, now, when you step up to the podium, make sure you have everybody's attention.
155
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Then you begin. "Friends, parents, and classmates, today I'd like to talk to you about what it means to follow your heart... "
156
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"And it's no coincidence that nurses, like angels, wear white."
157
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What do you think?
158
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It's really good.
159
00:15:12,062 --> 00:15:13,359
Yeah? Wh--what about you guys?
160
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Will, can I kiss you again?
161
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Hurt so good.
162
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Come on, baby, make it hurt so good. Sometimes love don't feel like it should.
163
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You make it, ugh, ugh, hurt so good.
164
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This school is accredited, right?
165
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Oh, my God, I'm next. I'm so nervous. I wish I had a prop.
166
00:15:49,021 --> 00:15:51,688
Does anybody have a parasol and two spoiled English children?
167
00:15:57,379 --> 00:16:01,882
Honey, you don't need any props. Just open with an insensitive racial remark. They love it.
168
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No! No props, no remarks. Just trust the words. Do it like you did it in the limo. People will love you.
169
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Here, I've put marks where you should hold for laughs or tears.
170
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-There's a mark in every line.
-Thank you, thank you.
171
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Ooh, nice looking crowd. Hello there.
172
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Aah! Stampede!
173
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Ha ha. The first time I heard that, I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur.
174
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I wasn't supposed to introduce the next person, but Audrey bailed.
She said it was a family emergency, but to me, that's code for vag problems.
175
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-I think I speak for all of us...
-Ooh, my God, I just realized we forgot to wake up Grace. Should I call her?
176
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Honey, if you were at home missing this, would you want someone to call you?
177
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I know. But I want her to hear my speech.
178
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Well, you can read it to her later, honey, when you're moisturizing her.
179
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-If you want to just talk...
-You're right.
180
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So I gave him a shove out the window. It wasn't like I was trying to kill him.
181
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Anyway, I think it's time to turn over the podium to this year's most popular student nurse, Jack McFarland.
182
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Friends, parents, and classmates, today I would like to talk to you about what it means to follow your heart.
183
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They say dreams are like soap. If you don't hold on tight, they'll slip away.
184
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A man who has let go of his dream is like a child who has let go of his balloon.
185
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-I thought dreams were like soap.
-Dreams can be more than one thing.
186
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We are all here today because we refused to let go. I've always dreamed of the day when I would become... a nurse.
187
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Pausing... Good.
188
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Ever since I was a child, I knew this is what I was meant to be...
189
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That's not a pause. That's where your voice breaks with emotion.
190
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You know what? I can't do this. These aren't my words.
191
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No, don't give me credit now. Do it later with a champagne toast.
192
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This is wrong. I didn't write this speech. And you know why?
193
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Because I couldn't think of any reasons why I wanted to be a nurse, because it wasn't my dream.
I wanted to be an actor. But I let it slip away from me like... a soapy balloon.
194
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But standing here in front of all of you right now, reading words I don't believe and don't really understand makes me realize...
195
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I still want to be an actor.
196
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I had no idea he felt like that.
197
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I love acting! I love the attention and the applause.
198
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When you're a nurse, the patient gets all the attention.
199
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No. This is not what I want. I'm sorry. I cannot live a lie.
200
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No! We didn't make a copy!
201
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I'll say it again... fags really are a hoot.
202
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Honey, you did the right thing.
203
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I hope so.
KAREN: You did. And I could not be prouder.
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Hey, you're gonna be a big star.
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You're gonna make it big. And I'm glad that you took this diploma,
'cause you're gonna need it when you fall flat on your ass. Hey,
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you're gonna make it big. And when you don't, you'll have a degree.
So, you go out there and you be an actor. Until...
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you're a nurse.
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Thanks, Kare.
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You know, now that I've made this decision, I like a weight has been lifted off of me.
I think this suit actually fits.
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-No, it doesn't.
-I said it fits!
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Change of subject! Will. I feel terrible.
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I know he wanted so badly to hear his speech performed.
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Honey, she'll be fine. She doesn't care about that speech. All she cares about is you.
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That's right. You're what's important to her.
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As long as you're happy, she's happy.
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Where is she anyway?
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And never forget: Dreams are like feathers... if you have enough, you can fly.
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Wow. Maybe I will get back into porn.22964
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