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1
00:00:06,215 --> 00:00:10,748
Look at that. Each pane cleaner than the last.
2
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Mmm. Yeah. A boy and his rag.
3
00:00:17,979 --> 00:00:19,447
There's nothin' sweeter.
4
00:00:20,607 --> 00:00:26,382
Well, with Grace out of town for a couple of days,
it gives me a chance to get her snout and paw prints off of every surface.
5
00:00:28,015 --> 00:00:31,015
Besides, Tina's coming over. She says she needs to see me.
6
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Tina? Your father's mistress?
7
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Well, technically, she's not his mistress anymore.
I mean, now my folks have broken up, she's really just his girlfriend.
8
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No, that's like saying if you were raised by wolves
and then rescued by humans, you're now suddenly human.
9
00:00:50,305 --> 00:00:51,724
But you are human.
10
00:00:53,877 --> 00:00:57,490
Honey. Don't leave me alone during the breakfast rush at Jacques'.
11
00:00:58,668 --> 00:01:01,068
I'm workin' three stations out there, but, you've got a phone call.
12
00:01:02,462 --> 00:01:03,288
Who is it?
13
00:01:03,716 --> 00:01:05,587
- It's Elliot. Your son.
- I'm not here.
14
00:01:06,839 --> 00:01:09,497
Jack... You have to talk to him.
15
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That's the contract you made when you spent five minutes alone
in the dark with a Dixie cup and a Men of General Hospital calendar.
16
00:01:15,807 --> 00:01:21,666
No, no, he's gonna-- he's gonna try to get me to another one
of his basketball games. It's just not my thing. Make up an excuse.
17
00:01:22,431 --> 00:01:23,540
All right.
18
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:28,844
Um, Elliot... Yeah, I've got some bad news.
19
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Jack and I were figure skating and he plunged through the ice.
Haven't heard from him since.
20
00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:40,599
Could I take a message? Okay.
You're trying out for the cheerleading squad?
21
00:01:40,998 --> 00:01:42,275
Brr, I'm back!
22
00:02:01,166 --> 00:02:03,721
So, uh, Tina, what's goin' on?
23
00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:07,864
Oh, it's your father. I think he's seeing someone else.
24
00:02:08,291 --> 00:02:11,802
And I don't know why. I mean, look at me. I'm fantastic.
25
00:02:12,695 --> 00:02:14,566
What makes you think he's seeing someone?
26
00:02:14,636 --> 00:02:19,520
Oh...he's just been distracted. He's always sneaking off somewhere.
27
00:02:19,572 --> 00:02:24,807
And lately...every time we try to make love, he's tired.
28
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And I'm sexual. I need it. I mean, I really, really need it.
29
00:02:31,631 --> 00:02:34,947
Mm. Yeah. I really need not to know that.
30
00:02:36,950 --> 00:02:40,937
- Will you talk to him? Find out if it's true. Please.
- Oh.
31
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I have no one else to go to.
I'd go to my girlfriends, but I've slept with all their husbands.
32
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Oh, that's great news. Come on by after school. I'd love to help you.
33
00:02:51,105 --> 00:02:54,486
And P.S., Elliot, you've just made me the proudest father in the world.
34
00:02:56,592 --> 00:03:00,799
Wow, cheerleading, huh? Really following in his daddy's footsteps.
35
00:03:02,157 --> 00:03:05,654
I remember when Stan's son first started getting fat.
36
00:03:07,399 --> 00:03:08,947
Stan was so proud.
37
00:03:10,122 --> 00:03:13,503
I only wish he'd lived to see him reach 300 pounds.
38
00:03:19,362 --> 00:03:23,144
So... Elliot... queerleading tryouts, huh?
39
00:03:24,654 --> 00:03:25,622
Cheerleading.
40
00:03:25,996 --> 00:03:30,126
Yeah. Well, we'll see what the kids are calling you
when they're stuffing you in your locker on Monday.
41
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:35,549
Okay, Elliot. So what are your guidelines?
42
00:03:35,758 --> 00:03:39,526
I was thinking of making you all up in Kabuki like Madonna in her "Frozen" video.
43
00:03:41,026 --> 00:03:47,439
Right, well... I was thinking a simple cheer and dressed
as a guy is probably a better way to go. My locker's very small.
44
00:03:49,411 --> 00:03:53,669
Why you ungrateful little piece of street trash! I oughta--
45
00:03:54,802 --> 00:03:57,783
We must encourage him no matter how deep the shame runs.
46
00:04:00,353 --> 00:04:03,451
So it says here for the audition, you need to come up with your own cheer.
47
00:04:03,505 --> 00:04:07,389
Okay, so why don't you show me what you got,
and we'll just change it all to my stuff later.
48
00:04:09,934 --> 00:04:16,177
Okay. I've...got...school...spirit.
49
00:04:16,244 --> 00:04:18,438
I've got...school spirit.
50
00:04:24,070 --> 00:04:27,780
Why you talentless, tone deaf sack of--
51
00:04:30,054 --> 00:04:31,651
You're not helping. Sit.
52
00:04:33,046 --> 00:04:36,127
I know it stinks. That's why I'm here. I need your help, Jack.
53
00:04:36,191 --> 00:04:39,885
Okay, we can do this. What are your ideas?
^What do you think this cheer should be?
54
00:04:41,594 --> 00:04:44,836
I don't know. They just said to come up
with something good that shows enthusiasm.
55
00:04:45,005 --> 00:04:48,102
Okay, good and enthusiastic. Let's let that roll around.
56
00:04:48,183 --> 00:04:51,183
And it's rolling around. And it's rolling around.
57
00:04:51,444 --> 00:04:55,348
Good and enthusiastic. Not too on the nose. And stop. I've got it.
58
00:04:55,415 --> 00:04:58,900
Boy, are we enthusiastic. We are feelin' G-O-O-D.
59
00:04:58,967 --> 00:05:04,549
Boy, are we enthusiastic. We are feelin' G-O-O-D. Good and be enthusiastic!
60
00:05:05,443 --> 00:05:06,750
You see?
61
00:05:09,266 --> 00:05:11,105
Yeah. That--that's pretty good.
62
00:05:11,205 --> 00:05:16,899
Thank you. Now. Let's add a little bit of this. All right, ready?
When I say "go," you say "fight."
63
00:05:16,964 --> 00:05:18,109
- Go.
- Fight.
- Go.
- Fight.
64
00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:19,983
- When I say "when," you say "tonight." When.
- Tonight.
65
00:05:20,032 --> 00:05:20,999
- When.
- Tonight.
66
00:05:21,809 --> 00:05:26,907
- Go-o-o team! Go team!
- Okay, great! Excellent!
67
00:05:28,717 --> 00:05:31,911
I've never been more attracted to you than I am right now.
68
00:05:37,253 --> 00:05:39,882
Dad, it's Will. Can we talk for a sec?
69
00:05:41,979 --> 00:05:43,609
Dad, I know you're home.
70
00:05:44,176 --> 00:05:51,031
Look, I don't care that-- that you're with someone. You're--you're single.
You can do what you want. You're--you're Ben Affleck right now.
71
00:05:51,728 --> 00:05:54,196
Only without all the extra breakup weight.
72
00:05:57,361 --> 00:06:03,055
- So, look, whoever you're with in there, it's fine by me.
I just want to say that as far as--
- Hello, Will.
73
00:06:03,285 --> 00:06:07,382
- Mom! What's going on? Where's Dad?
- He's in the shower.
74
00:06:07,624 --> 00:06:11,076
In the sh-- You're the other woman?!
75
00:06:11,208 --> 00:06:15,951
You're the one that Dad's sneaking around with?
You and Dad are--are-- You know... thinging.
76
00:06:16,518 --> 00:06:22,325
Will, we're adults. Let's talk like adults.
Your father and I are making pookie-pookie.
77
00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:30,058
How did this happen? I mean, like, I know how this happens.
You showed me when I was 10 with two of my G.I. Joes.
78
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:37,348
I'm not saying that that led to anything, I just... How did this happen?
79
00:06:37,988 --> 00:06:43,424
Well, a few months ago, I ran into your father,
and we decided to have a drink. Oh, it was fun.
80
00:06:43,475 --> 00:06:49,686
- He made me laugh. We caught up, and, you know,
one thing led to another and before I knew it--
- You don't have to finish that.
81
00:06:49,750 --> 00:06:50,928
Pookie-pookie.
82
00:06:53,762 --> 00:06:57,198
Well, I guess in a way, this is good news.
83
00:06:57,281 --> 00:06:59,701
You know, I mean, you and Dad are back together.
84
00:07:00,104 --> 00:07:03,475
I'll only have to make one hand-print ashtray at Christmas-time.
85
00:07:04,366 --> 00:07:07,770
There you go. Who's pretty when he smiles?
86
00:07:13,547 --> 00:07:14,789
I am.
87
00:07:18,402 --> 00:07:20,805
- Hey.
- So? How'd it go?
88
00:07:20,885 --> 00:07:26,176
Wait, wait, wait. Before you say anything,
I'd like to present you with these pom poms.
89
00:07:27,357 --> 00:07:29,277
They were your grandfather's.
90
00:07:31,425 --> 00:07:34,232
Go, Elliot! Go, Elliot!
91
00:07:37,881 --> 00:07:40,074
- I didn't get it.
- What?
92
00:07:40,558 --> 00:07:43,865
- Why you miserable, worthless--
- Karen!
93
00:07:45,457 --> 00:07:46,586
What happened?
94
00:07:46,748 --> 00:07:51,522
I stunk. All the girls laughed at me. I'm gonna graduate a virgin.
95
00:07:54,169 --> 00:07:56,782
Wha--I don't understand. Did you do this?
96
00:07:59,766 --> 00:08:02,186
- Yes.
- What about this?
97
00:08:03,127 --> 00:08:05,805
- Yes.
- Well, did you do this?
98
00:08:08,534 --> 00:08:11,018
Yeah, I did all that stuff. They just didn't like me.
99
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,148
Hey, did you do this?
100
00:08:13,220 --> 00:08:20,162
Oooooh... La la la la la... ooooh whee-e-e ooooh. Whoo!
101
00:08:22,347 --> 00:08:23,204
No.
102
00:08:24,550 --> 00:08:26,071
Well, you should try it. It's fun.
103
00:08:26,946 --> 00:08:30,303
You know, maybe I should go out for track. Might as well.
104
00:08:30,377 --> 00:08:33,472
Once word gets out I tried out for cheerleading, I'll be running a lot anyway.
105
00:08:34,733 --> 00:08:39,804
Whoa-ho. Whoa. No. Let me tell you something, Mister.
106
00:08:40,627 --> 00:08:45,576
My family has had four generations of male cheerleaders.
107
00:08:45,735 --> 00:08:49,564
And I ain't gonna do nothin' to break that up. All right?
108
00:08:49,636 --> 00:08:59,254
So I'm gonna go talk to the powers that be, and make sure they know
we are a serious force to be reckoned with! Karen! My pom poms!
109
00:09:01,670 --> 00:09:03,716
Boy, are we enthusiastic....
110
00:09:09,879 --> 00:09:13,534
Grace, it's great. My mom and dad are back together, you know?
111
00:09:13,588 --> 00:09:19,656
And I-- I-I feel kinda bad for Tina, but then again,
she is the one that kinda broke up the marriage, so I--
112
00:09:21,284 --> 00:09:23,749
Are you peeing while I'm talking to you?!
113
00:09:27,458 --> 00:09:32,546
Yeah, I did one time, but at least I had the courtesy
to-to-to do it silently around the edge of the bowl!
114
00:09:35,507 --> 00:09:40,403
Look, I-- I gotta go. Just, please, just this once for me, remember to wash your hands.
115
00:09:42,993 --> 00:09:45,634
- Oh, hi. Tina.
- Hello, Will.
116
00:09:45,721 --> 00:09:51,614
- Come on in.
- Oh. So... um... How have you been, Will?
117
00:09:52,194 --> 00:09:59,678
- Not bad. I, uh-- I kinda had a weird moment last night--
- Will! I really don't care. I just want to know what you found out.
118
00:10:00,268 --> 00:10:05,339
Oh. Um... I'm afraid I have some bad news.
119
00:10:06,353 --> 00:10:08,067
Then, why are you smiling?
120
00:10:09,525 --> 00:10:16,048
Oh, that--that's... just something that I do when I give bad news.
Um, people tell me it comforts them.
121
00:10:16,872 --> 00:10:19,774
Oh... How often do you give bad news?
122
00:10:20,159 --> 00:10:23,901
Twice today, already. Yeah. A good friend of mine died.
123
00:10:27,595 --> 00:10:33,610
So, um... Listen... I went to see my-- my Dad, and, uh...
124
00:10:34,059 --> 00:10:38,972
yeah, yeah, he is seeing someone else. I think it's serious. I'm--I'm sorry.
125
00:10:39,062 --> 00:10:44,080
Oh. Okay. You know this is what I thought.
126
00:10:44,554 --> 00:10:50,535
Oh! I'm so stupid. When am I ever gonna find a married man who's faithful to me?
127
00:10:53,084 --> 00:10:58,697
I don't suppose you found out who she is, did you? I mean...the other...woman.
128
00:10:59,084 --> 00:11:05,204
- Does it really matter?
- Ah! You're right. She's probably some whore!
129
00:11:06,378 --> 00:11:11,414
Or not. One thing I do know is that he's-he's not gonna leave her.
130
00:11:11,468 --> 00:11:17,763
So, you know, just move on. Forget about him. You know, you--
you got a killer body. You love sex. Who's not gonna snap that up?
131
00:11:19,887 --> 00:11:28,508
Yeah, you're right. To hell with him! I-I deserve better than this.
You know, I was voted most confident in my low self-esteem support group.
132
00:11:30,606 --> 00:11:35,835
- I hope he gets an STD from that whore!
- Or not.
133
00:11:41,146 --> 00:11:47,126
Go, Wolverines, Go! Go, Wolverines, Go!
134
00:11:47,198 --> 00:11:49,856
Jack, I didn't make the squad. Let it go.
135
00:11:49,939 --> 00:11:56,803
No, I won't let it go. If I learned anything from seeing Gypsy fifty times,
it's to push your children to hate you and never want to speak to you again.
136
00:11:58,158 --> 00:11:59,841
Now, which one's the head cheerleader?
137
00:12:00,057 --> 00:12:05,215
The blonde. Her name is Melanie.
And I kinda have a crush on her, so please don't embarrass me.
138
00:12:05,303 --> 00:12:08,035
Don't worry. Melanie!
139
00:12:10,486 --> 00:12:13,241
- Yes, can I help you?
- I believe you can.
140
00:12:13,394 --> 00:12:21,000
Yes. How old is someone like you? 25? Ever been in a limo?
141
00:12:25,149 --> 00:12:31,094
I'm Elliot's father. Okay? That boy can cheer. Okay?
142
00:12:31,817 --> 00:12:42,287
He comes from a long, proud line of cheerleaders.
His great-grandfather came to this country with nothing but a tattered pom pom in his hand,
and a dream that one day he'd see his children stacked in a perfect pyramid.
143
00:12:45,566 --> 00:12:51,380
And now, you're telling me you're gonna deny my son his heritage?
Refuse him his birthright?
144
00:12:52,385 --> 00:12:54,658
Well, yeah! He sucked.
145
00:12:54,768 --> 00:12:57,784
- See, Jack, I told you.
- Shush it!
146
00:12:58,549 --> 00:13:02,112
- We are not leaving until you give him another chance.
- Come on, Elliot, we'll do it with you.
147
00:13:02,201 --> 00:13:06,179
Hold my drink, Heather. And I know how much is in it, so no sippies.
148
00:13:08,127 --> 00:13:13,286
- Ready. Okay.
- Hi, Cowboys. Hi, Sailors.
- Hi, musclemen and cops.
149
00:13:13,375 --> 00:13:19,605
Our team is called the Wolverines and you know our boys--
I can't do this! I don't want to be a cheerleader. I never wanted to be one!
150
00:13:19,736 --> 00:13:23,255
School spirit!
151
00:13:26,675 --> 00:13:28,511
What is going on? What are you talking about?
152
00:13:28,775 --> 00:13:31,748
The only reason I did this is so you would pay attention to me.
153
00:13:31,835 --> 00:13:37,059
You don't care about anything I do.
You don't care about basketball, and you don't care about skateboarding.
154
00:13:37,147 --> 00:13:39,005
We-we both like Vin Diesel movies.
155
00:13:40,496 --> 00:13:42,419
Yes, for very different reasons.
156
00:13:43,730 --> 00:13:49,457
Do you know how humiliating it was for me to try out for cheerleading?
But I was willing to do that to spend time with you.
157
00:13:50,875 --> 00:13:53,039
I didn't know it meant that much to you, Elliot.
158
00:13:54,483 --> 00:13:58,439
Why do you think I call you every Friday night to come to my basketball games?
159
00:13:59,795 --> 00:14:03,095
You know what? Forget it. You can't understand.
160
00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:09,830
No. I do. I do understand. My dad did the same thing to me.
161
00:14:13,241 --> 00:14:17,831
When I was a kid, I set up a little manicure stand at the end of my street.
162
00:14:18,269 --> 00:14:22,902
I did a pretty good business with a couple neighbor ladies
and the divorcees from the next town over.
163
00:14:24,098 --> 00:14:27,398
But the only customer I ever really wanted was my dad.
164
00:14:28,157 --> 00:14:32,331
Every day, I'd watch him come home from work, and I pray that he'd stop.
165
00:14:32,465 --> 00:14:41,755
But he never did. And I'd think to myself, "Why? Why?
What kind of man doesn't want a roadside manicure from his own son?"
166
00:14:44,026 --> 00:14:46,430
I can't believe I repeated that cycle with you.
167
00:14:47,545 --> 00:14:51,282
- Well, you did.
- Well, I'm sorry, Elliot.
168
00:14:53,413 --> 00:14:56,867
- I'd let you give me a manicure.
- You would?
169
00:14:57,195 --> 00:15:00,080
- Yeah.
- You're the best. Thanks, Elliot.
170
00:15:00,147 --> 00:15:06,355
And I promise I'll start coming to your basketball games.
And I'll say to everyone, "That's my son, the one whose nails match his jersey!"
171
00:15:08,519 --> 00:15:10,158
Yeah. You don't need to say that to everyone.
172
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:25,053
- Will! We have to talk.
- Mom! What if I'd come out here wearing nothing?
173
00:15:25,206 --> 00:15:28,266
You mean it's possible to wear less than you're wearing right now?
174
00:15:29,361 --> 00:15:31,722
I'll have you know skirts are shorter this year.
175
00:15:33,580 --> 00:15:35,263
What did you say to that woman?
176
00:15:35,330 --> 00:15:42,827
- Nothing! The-the truth. I didn't mention you, but I-I did say that Dad's been seeing someone.
- Ah, Will, that's just perfect. You've ruined everything.
177
00:15:44,622 --> 00:15:47,595
Mom...let's just sit down and talk about this.
178
00:15:47,661 --> 00:15:50,021
- Uh-oh.
- Let's just stand up and talk about this.
179
00:15:50,830 --> 00:15:54,196
Will, thanks to you, Tina's dumped him.
180
00:15:55,423 --> 00:16:00,210
Well, that's great. With Tina gone,
you and dad can get back together, the way you used to be.
181
00:16:00,284 --> 00:16:02,872
You know, with the-the joint showers and pookie-pookie.
182
00:16:04,321 --> 00:16:09,777
Are you out of your head?
Don't you understand why he cheated on me in the first place?
183
00:16:09,954 --> 00:16:15,444
Well, sure, because you stopped communicating.
The-the whole basis of your marriage started to slowly erode.
184
00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:20,569
No. It was fun. Cheating is fun!
185
00:16:21,918 --> 00:16:29,245
Ooh, the secret little meetings, and-and you only have an hour and then,
you gotta hide the evidence. Ooh, gosh, I felt like a spy.
186
00:16:29,386 --> 00:16:34,247
- I felt like a sexual spy... On a--on a mission to--
- You don't have to finish that.
187
00:16:35,788 --> 00:16:39,320
- Seduce the enemy with my body.
- And she finished it.
188
00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:43,971
Now, but thanks to you, the meddler in the mini-robe, that's all over.
189
00:16:46,209 --> 00:16:50,319
Yeah, I just feel like we're married again,
only now I have to pay for my own clothes.
190
00:16:51,789 --> 00:16:53,975
- So what do you want me to do?
- Fix it!
191
00:16:54,028 --> 00:16:58,329
No! I-I-I I'm staying out of this. You know, just-just- call one of your other sons.
192
00:16:58,383 --> 00:17:01,269
Oh, your brothers can't help me. They're straight.
193
00:17:02,844 --> 00:17:08,107
They have no finesse for the-- for the details of manipulating petty dramas.
194
00:17:12,332 --> 00:17:15,724
Gee, what a sweet way of voicing your support for your gay son.
195
00:17:17,630 --> 00:17:19,851
Will-- Oh my God, you're nude!
196
00:17:20,962 --> 00:17:23,200
Yeah, we've done all the robe jokes, move on.
197
00:17:24,548 --> 00:17:30,458
I was packing my stuff at George's apartment, and I found a note.
The whore is your mother.
198
00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:32,696
Meet my mother.
199
00:17:34,507 --> 00:17:36,728
Whore, mistress. Mistress, whore.
200
00:17:39,110 --> 00:17:43,115
Well, um, hi, Marilyn. We finally meet.
201
00:17:43,324 --> 00:17:46,752
Though I've seen pictures of you when I removed them from your ex-husband's wallet.
202
00:17:48,467 --> 00:17:52,104
Well, I must say, you're almost exactly as I imagined you.
203
00:17:52,174 --> 00:17:55,549
You're like page four in the Midlife Crisis catalog.
204
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Okay, ladies. Let's relax and sit.
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- Oh.
- Let's stand.
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We have a very complicated problem here.
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A lot of competing agendas. But as a lawyer, I'm used to working on
tricky corporate mergers. So I'm sure we can find some common ground.
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Mom, what is it you want?
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Well, I want Tina to keep seeing George.
So he can sneak around with me behind her back.
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You're quite the role model. Tina?
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Well, I want Marilyn out of the picture, so I can have George all to myself.
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I mean, this is the first time I've ever dated a man
that I didn't have to call, let it ring once, and call back.
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So that was you at Thanksgiving?
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So what we're looking for is a solution that encompasses all these needs.
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Uh, Will, when you gesture like that, we can see your Pennsylvania.
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However, that solution does not exist. So let's get to what I want.
Otherwise known as what's gonna happen. Tina, move on.
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You're gonna be miserable at first, but you'll live.
Mom, you are gonna get back with Dad. You're gonna be miserable at first, but you'll live.
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- Are we clear on this?
- Um, yes.
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I guess so.
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Good. Now we're all behaving like ladies.
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If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna drink half a bottle of chardonnay,
and scrub myself until I feel clean again.
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- We're not gonna listen to him, are we?
- No, the three of us had a great thing going.
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- So I'll take George Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
- And I'll keep him on the weekends. We'll give him Tuesdays and Thursdays to rest.
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Ohh, this is great! And it's even more exciting now that we're lying to Will.
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Ooh, and here's another. This is your great-grandpappy,
Liam McFarland, leading a cheer squad.
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That's quite a split.
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- And that was before stretch pants.
- Yeah, I can see that.
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Oh, talk about courageous. When the Yanks landed in Okinawa,
he was right there alongside them, yelling, "Fight, fight."
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And after the war, that brave man cheered with one arm.
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How does that make you feel, boy?
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If I say proud, can I go home?23726
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