All language subtitles for The Wild Wild West S01E23 The Night of the Two-Legged Buffalo

Don't worry about it, Henrietta.

It's not yours anyway.

Robbed.

Stagecoach drivers murdered!

Fortunes whisked
out of express boxes

and bank vaults!

And the law
terrorized, helpless.

What I am talking about,
sisters and brothers, is sin!

Red, naked and ugly!

Shameful sin,

the kind that each
and every one of you

is steeped in.

That man up there
with the bottle,

you're pouring sin
down your gullet.

You're putting Satan
right in your spleen.

I know there's
another one up here.

That is the closest you're going

to get to heaven, brother.

I tell you, you have
tempted the devil,

and he has responded!

He is playing your game!

You, brother, you know
the things you hear.

Over half a million dollars
in government money stolen

in the last two weeks and
no clue to the perpetrators.

And those who dare
investigate are killed!

Murdered in their beds!

Their very beds!

Oh, the shame of it!

The agony you people
in this town must bear.

For all the story,

the whole scandalous,
shameful story

of what your sins have
brought to your city,

you come to my meeting
tomorrow morning.

I've got full details right
here in the handbills.

There you are, sister.

There you are, brother.

Be sure to read that.

There you go, brother.

There's one for
you, too, brother.

And you, sister.

Thank you, very much.

One for you, brother.

There you are,
brother. Read that.

That'll be sure to
do you a lot of good.

There you are, brother.
One for you, too.

Now don't go away.
Please, don't go away, folks!

Hand that out to your other
brethren and sistren, will you?

I got a little more
for you here.

What I got now, a
little entertainment.

For those of you who have dared

to brave the
dangers of this night,

I would like to sing my
own original composition

entitled "Never Make
Friends with The Devil, Brother:

His Pitchfork Will
Get You in the End."

♪ Never make friends
with the devil, brother... ♪

Please, please, Miss McCoy,

now I have told you 100 times.

As soon as any messages
arrive from the prison,

I will deliver them
to you personally.

You're sure nothing
has come for me?

Positively.

Now if you'll excuse me, miss,

this gentleman is waiting.

Yes, sir?

Hi. My name is Charles Lane.

I believe I have a reservation.

Oh, Mr. Lane!
Well, you're the man

from the Bureau of Prisons.

That's right.

Well, how do you do?

I'm pleased to meet you.

We've been expecting you, sir.

Now, you're in room 207,

and there's a
message for you here

from Warden Ragan
out at the prison.

I guess he heard
that you were coming.

I guess.

Oh, uh, we'll get your
bags sent right up, sir.

Careful, gently.

Easy.

Oh, watch it.

Be sure it's centered.

We want it right
down the middle.

There it is.

Watch it.

Easy.

I couldn't find the bellboy,

so I brought it up.

Uh-oh.

I'm afraid our
maid drinks a little,

but it's a very
comfortable bed, Mr. Lane.

I'm sure you'll sleep soundly.

Mm. Now, there are
towels in the dresser.

Bath down the hall.

Anything else we can
do? We aim to please.

No, everything's fine.

Here, thank you.

Ooh, well, my great pleasure.

H-Happy dreams.

Mm-hmm.

Yes?

It's Jennifer McCoy, Mr. Lane.

I'm your neighbor
from across the hall.

You're my neighbor
from across the hall?

That's right.

At my last hotel,

my neighbors were
three cattle buyers,

all of whom snored.

May I come in?

Can you come in?

By all means. I insist.

Please, please, come in.

I hope you don't think
I'm prying, Mr. Lane,

but I overheard the
desk clerk call you

"the man from the
Bureau of Prisons.

It's very difficult
to keep a secret.

Are you?

Am I? Am I what?

From the Bureau of Prisons?

That's right.

I'm an inspector.

Oh. Then perhaps
you can help me.

You see, my poor, darling uncle,

my only living relative,
the only person left to me,

my own blood kin...

Very clear. Your uncle.

I'm with you so far.

You see, I only have
a day and a half left,

and then...

And then?

And then...

Oh, oh, the poor, dear,
misunderstood man.

The cruelty of it all!

Is there no justice?

No humanity?!

No drama critic?

What?

You are laying it
on a little thick, lady.

Well, now you see

why I can't get
out of the chorus.

I'm a lousy actress.

I'll have to go along with that.

But I do need help.

For your poor,
misunderstood uncle, right?

Not exactly.

You see, he will be
hanged tomorrow,

but if anybody ever
deserved it, he does.

He's a murderer.

The only trouble
is, my father left me

a good deal of money
in my uncle's keeping,

and the rat won't
tell me where it is.

And you want me to find out?

Well, you're from
the Bureau of Prisons.

You could make him talk.

It's a little difficult
to put pressure

on a condemned man.

There's so little to
threaten him with.

Mr. Lane, I've been in
the chorus for seven years.

It's the worst
kind of life there is,

and that money is
my chance to get out,

to do something with myself.

Now, please, help me.

Oh, what would you like
me to do, torture it out of him?

I wouldn't have
suggested that, but since...

Forget it, lady.

You've got the wrong man.

You're just like the
rest of them, aren't you?

"You scratch my back,
and I'll scratch yours."

My back isn't itching.

That money is mine.

Why won't he give it to me?

That's a good question,

and I suggest that
you ask the warden.

Oh, I already did that when
I saw my uncle this morning.

He said he couldn't help me.

Now what should I do?

Hmm. Well, you
could think of a way

of getting along
without the money.

You see, I am just a plain,

garden variety prison inspector.

What? But... Mr. Lane...
No pull, no influence.

You'll have to find someone else

to help you with your uncle.

Mr. Lane, you...
Good-bye, Miss... Miss...

McCoy!

Hmm.

I was better with
the cattle buyers.

Mr. Lane!

Surprised to see me?

Oh, well, no. It's just...
you-you just went up,

and to see you
coming down so soon...

Mm. I'm the restless type.

It didn't work.

He's still alive.

They'll pay for their failure.

Now you do the job.

And if you fail...

Oh, I-I won't
fail. I won't fail.

Don't.

Lane will die.

Evening, brother.

How are things?

Brother.

Yes, it's good to
see all so happy.

Evening, brother.

What's the matter, preacher?

Oh, no, it's impossible.

What's impossible?

What happened to Jack Chancery?

The killer? He was hanged.

That's right, he was hanged.

They even had photographs
of the hanging, right?

Right.

He's dead.

He just walked down the street.

Dead men don't
walk down streets.

I certainly hope not.

Speaking of the dead,
you've got it easy.

That street preaching
is at least safe.

I've been here
less than an hour,

and someone's tried
to kill me twice already.

Well, they failed, I hope.

Barely.

Mm. Any leads?

None. What about you?

No, nothing yet.

Everyone's too terrified.

The town doesn't
even want to talk.

You are to blame, sir.

You and every mortal
man born in original sin.

I warn you, mend your ways, sir.

Mend your ways
or woe be unto you.

Woe, oh, woe be unto you.

I see that you're
wearing my little gadget.

That's very smart.

Yeah, if it works, it's smart.

You were saying?

Criminal element around here
doesn't know anything about it.

I'll stake my life on that.

There's one thing.

For appearance sakes, I'm going
to have to go out to the prison.

The warden has sent me a note
saying that the place was mine.

How nice.

Just what you've always
wanted... A prison of your own.

Mm. Oh, there's a girl.

Of course.

Her name is Jennifer McCoy.

For some reason, I feel
she's involved in this.

You keep an eye on her.

Just an eye?

I have so much more to offer.

Happy sermons, preacher.

Yes, you ought to listen
to one of my sermons.

It wouldn't help.

It wouldn't hurt.

That's a good one.

Hey, did you get
that one, honey?

I don't... oh, you devil, you.

Hey, Kitten, Kitten.

Aw, that's great.

Oh, you boys.

Marvelous.

Fine year, fine year.

What are you boys
so happy about?

Why shouldn't we be happy?

Everything went
well, huh? That's right.

Well, I'm glad you think so.

The boss doesn't.

Come on, he's
waiting to see you.

Come on. What do
you mean, "waiting"?

When I say "come
on," I mean come on.

Mr. Lane?

Mr. Lane, are you all right?

Mr. Lane, are you in there?!

Mr. Lane?!

Mr. Lane, wake up!

Mr. Lane?

Are you all right?

Mr. Lane?

Mr. Lane.

Oh, what a stupid thing to do.

Going to sleep with the gas
turned on and the flame out.

You see anyone around
my room since I left?

No.

Maybe the desk clerk.

Nobody.

I owe you one.

Well, you can show
me your gratitude by...

I know, by seeing your uncle.

All right.

You've earned it.

Oh!

You darling, darling man.

Oh, you've noticed.

By saving my life,

you may have caused
trouble for yourself.

What kind of trouble?

I don't know,

but if anything happens
and I'm not around,

go see the street preacher.

Street preacher? What can he do?

You'd be surprised what
this particular preacher can do.

Visiting day's at the
end of the month, mister.

How sociable.

Oh, Inspector Lane.

We've been waiting for you.

Gonna look us over, huh?

I hope it doesn't
inconvenience you.

Well, if you've been
in this business awhile,

you're in for a few surprises.

Warden Ragan's got
a lot of funny ideas.

Come on this way, Inspector.

Open up. Inspector Lane.

Excuse me, Warden Ragan, sir.

This is Inspector Lane
from Territorial Prison.

Mr. Lane, it's a pleasure
to have you here.

It's my pleasure, Warden.

Thank you, Chief.

Yes, sir.

I find that painting

has a therapeutic
effect on my prisoners.

It's part of my
rehabilitation program.

Hey, Warden.

Yes, Mr. Poindexter?

What do you think,

maybe just a little bit too
much puce in the landscape?

Well, perhaps.

Maybe you could use
just a touch of, uh...

cadmium yellow.

Gee, thanks, Warden.

Why didn't I think of that?

Uh, painting makes them forget

their personal troubles,
if you follow me.

Well, now,
Mr. Lane, what's first?

I'm interested in
seeing a prisoner,

a Gideon McCoy.

Oh, Gideon.

Uh, poor fellow.

Uh, sad case.

So I understand, Warden.

His, uh, his niece came
to see him yesterday.

Uh, psychologically,
one more visitor might be

just the thing for
the poor fellow.

I only wish there was
more I could do for him.

You don't have much
time left, do you?

Uh, precisely.

You see, I'm against
capital punishment.

It's, uh... it's the
tragedy of our time.

I assume that's
being built for McCoy.

On the contrary,
it's being torn down.

Our government and
what passes for its wisdom,

has developed a new
means of legal murder.

"Legal murder"?

That's all an execution
is in my opinion.

'Course you probably are
interested in the device.

Would you like to see it now?

A new instrument
for an execution's

the last thing I'd
be interested in.

But I am here to
inspect everything,

after I see McCoy.

Well, come with me.

McCoy, you got a visitor.

Mr. Lane from the
Bureau of Prisons.

I was sent by your
niece, Jennifer.

Jennifer?

Oh.

Poor, pretty,
dear little Jennifer.

She's the last of my
blood kin that's alive.

How is she?

She's fine.

Lane, I loved her
like my own daughter.

She... she used to call me...

"Uncle Giddy."

About the money...

What money?

The money her father
gave you to keep for her.

Well, I-I ain't got nothing.

Don't you think I'd
give it to her if I did?

They're killing
me in the morning.

I ain't got no use for it.

How long have you
been here, Mr. McCoy?

Three months. Pretty near four.

I see.

Jailer.

Listen, Lane, please.

Can't you help me?
Please, I never killed nobody!

Please, help me!

I can't do a thing for you.

Are you satisfied?

If that man's been in
there for four months,

how do you explain
his deep suntan

and his freshly
manicured fingernails?

You seen a little
too much, mister.

Hey!

He's with McCoy!

Welcome to the club, Mr. Lane.

Look at you, you poor man.

Sunk down in your sins.

Lost to the world.

And besides, you're going
to have a terrible hangover.

Excuse me, sir.

Well...

Yes, miss?

Are you the street preacher?

Minister to the fallen.

Uh, saver of souls,
yes, that's me.

Mr. Lane said I
should look you up

in case I needed help.

Oh, uh... yes. Come
with me, please.

You're Miss McCoy?

Jennifer McCoy.

Oh, what a lovely
name... Jennifer.

Yes, I've always been
very partial to Jennifers.

Will you help me?

For you, Jennifer, anything.

Who do I have to kill, huh?

How did you know?

Hmm?

How did you know?

I beg your pardon?

That man right there.

Well, I-I admit that he
doesn't look like very much,

but isn't that a little drastic?

You don't really
have to kill him.

Oh, well, that's a help.

Uh, who is he?

Mr. Scroggs.

My uncle told me all about him.

Your uncle...?

Gideon.

Gideon McCoy.

He's going to be
executed tomorrow

at the territorial prison.

Ah, and that's the executioner.

Just, uh, what is it you
want done with Mr. Scroggs?

Well, take him, put him
someplace and keep him there.

That way he won't be
able to show up tomorrow.

That's very sound
thinking, Miss McCoy.

But, uh, I think I may
have an even better idea.

Allow me?

Mr. B. wants to see you.

I'm not feeling very sociable.

Up!

I wish you hadn't been
so observant of Mr. McCoy.

You're causing me
all sorts of problems.

Delighted.

I'm afraid we won't
be able to let you leave

now that you've found out

that I give
preferential treatment

to some of my prisoners.

In exchange for a few favors.

Like robbing banks
and pay trains.

Mr. Lane, in my custody

are many of the most
efficient outlaws in the country.

It would be a shame
to let such talent

go to waste.

You know you can't get
away with it, don't you?

We have a half-million
dollars already.

In a few months,
we'll have a million.

We just divide it and
go our separate ways.

Why you telling him all this?

Because he's a literate man.

But I'm sure Mr. Lane realizes

his hours in this vale of tears

are slowly drawing to an end.

I was wondering when
you'd get around to that.

Very soon.

But you're fortunate,

because this evening

we have some
entertainment scheduled.

Won't you join us?

Oh, I'm afraid I can't attend.

You see, my social schedule

is all...

I'm sure we can rearrange
your social calendar.

Uh, won't you join us?

Shall we go?

Move Mr. Driscoll
to the old wing.

Mr. Borg and Mr. Driscoll
bungled a small assignment

I gave them.

For that reason,

they were assigned
the first portion

of this evening's entertainment.

Mr. Borg, you are restored
to your former rights

and privileges.

Thank you, Warden.

Mr. Lane, after you.

Way to go, Borg.

It was really a good fight.

Thank you.

Uncouth...

a bit brutal perhaps.

Mr. Quincannon.

Will you step into the ring

and strip down, please?

He's quite a sight, isn't he?

He's what I'd call husky, yeah.

Mr. West...

you have many enemies.

Quite a few of
them ended up here.

Shall we make them happy?

Into the ring, please.

Mr. West.

Many of you have reason to
remember the secret agent,

James West.

He happens to be here
among us this evening.

Mr. West has
offered to assist us

with this evening's
entertainment.

Kindly remove your jacket
and your shirt, Mr. West.

The rules are the
same... None at all.

Good luck to you, Mr. West.

Boo! Boo!

Boo! Boo!

Quiet, quiet, quiet.

Quiet.

Very well done, Mr. West.

You are formidable.

I drink a lot of milk.

All of our victors are rewarded,

and you shall not
be an exception.

I have in mind a signal honor.

I'll bet you have.

A very great honor.

Tomorrow morning, our
friend and companion,

Mr. Gideon McCoy
is to be executed.

Poor Gideon. Gee, Willy.

A very great loss.

Now, why should
we lose our friend

when we have an enemy
so conveniently at hand?

And since the executioner
has never seen Mr. McCoy,

why not give him the
McCoy we choose?

The wrong McCoy.

Yeah!

Congratulations, Mr. West.

You will be the
first man in history

to die in the electric chair.

Yeah!

Yeah, that's it.

Yes, sir, I know a kindred
soul when I see one.

The minute I laid eyes on you,

I said to myself, Threadneedle,

there goes your kind of man.

A real live wire.

You really think so?

Yes, sir.

I have...

Uh, what line did
you say you were in?

Uh... electrical
research, you might say.

Oh, a fine, growing field.

You know, a good man
could make a real killing in that.

It's possible.

Yes. Ol' ulcer's,
doctor's best friend.

Hey, that's Lillian
Russell there.

Lillian Russell?

I don't see Lillian Russell.

Oh, no, it's just a cowboy.

I'm sorry.

It's the lights, you
know... my eyes.

He did walk like her, though.

Well...

here's to crime.

Oh, I'll drink to that.

You know, it's a
wonderful feeling.

A really wonderful feeling

having a real friend...

Mr...?

What's your name?

Uh, Threadneedle.

Jeremiah P. Threadneedle.

I travel in ladies' corsets.

Travel in corsets.

Corsets, corsets.

Ah, of course you're
perfectly right, you know.

There's nothing like friendship.

Especially for me.

People don't realize
how important my job is.

I do.

Electricity?

Great stuff, electricity.

It's got a shocking future.

Th-That's a joke.

I got it, I got it.

I'm doing scientific

research.

Do you know what I am?

I'm the first electrocutioner.

No.

I got plenty of time.

Got a very
important... pa... fro...

fr...

I'm mean, a profame...

profromis today.

Well, there's nothing
like really fine liquor, huh?

Wonderful stuff.

I could drink
this stuff all night.

I hope you'll excuse me.

I've got a pretty
important proformis myself.

From the literature I received,

this will be quite
painless, Mr. West.

I just hate to sit while
everyone else is stand...

Get ahold of that man!

Get him!

Get him in this...

Get him in that chair.

Strap him!

Good fit, I trust?

It's a little tight
on the wrists.

Won't be for long.

He's at the front gate, Warden.

Uh, start the generators.

We will be the witnesses
for the government.

The government
will appreciate that.

It's very important,
Mr. West, that...

Excuse me, Mr. McCoy.

We must not confuse
the executioner.

He's here, sir.

Gag him.

Have the executioner come in.

Running three minutes late.

Prisoner's ready.

Do your duty, executioner.

Not without a check first.

There's nothing as
messy as amateur work.

Well, let's get on with it.

Oh, that's good, that's good.

Very good.

You know, a gag won't
really be necessary.

He will not have time to scream.

The gag is necessary.

This man was very abusive.

Will you get on with your duty?

Warden, I know my duty as
well as do you, believe me.

You cannot rush
these scientific matters.

They have to be handled
in the appropriate time

and appropriate...

Warden, what is
the meaning of this?

Meaning of what?
What's the matter?

Here, you see
that anode in there?

Now look at the
cathode on the other side.

You notice the two connect...

Tell them they make one move,

I'll fry you like
a pot of chicken.

Don't move!

Now get him out of that chair.

Get him out! Get him out!

What kept you so long?

Listen, you think it's easy
getting up before dawn?

Hey!

Stop!

Stop!

The generator.

No, you aren't.

My last guest room
was a dungeon.

Well, congratulations.

Then this is a step up.

Mm, considerable step.

Remember that stuff you
whipped up a few months ago?

What, the metal solvent?

You bet I do.

I just happen to have some.

Oh, beautiful.

James, my boy,

stone walls may
possibly a prison make,

but iron bars not
necessarily a cage.

Planning a trip, Warden?

You astonish me, Mr. West.

Someday you must
tell me how you do it.

But not right now.

Really, you weary me.

Even if you had executed me,

someone else would
have taken my place.

Which is exactly
why I'm taking these

pretty little green personal
belongings along with me.

Whatever happens, I
have to be on my way.

They'll get you.

I'll be dead.

Back... back.

There.

That connects with
three tons of dynamite

in the central store room.

In 20 minutes, the entire
prison will be destroyed.

With everyone in it.

Everyone.

And who's to say
that one of the bodies

that is taken out is not mine?

Then you won't have to share

your half-million dollars.

I'm a charitable man
except with money.

Forgive me...

but I can't tarry
with that timer on.

I'm going to regard this

as an act of mercy...

I'm afraid I'm going to
have to delay your trip.

Turn that timer off.

I can't.

Where are the explosives?

In the central storage room,

but we don't have time.

I'm not going to let the
men in this prison die.

You're going to take me there.

No.

All right.

We'll wait.

All right, I'll take you there.

This is as far as
we go, gentlemen.

Look around you.

A little protection
against a mass escape.

You constantly prove
your value to me, Mr. Kross.

Put these men in a cell

and see that they
don't escape this time.

They get away again,
it'll be over my dead body.

I'm inclined to agree with you.

I'm going into town.

You're in charge
for a short time.

I'll hold the place down.

You want to bet?

You shut up, you.

Now get moving.

You heard him, Artie.

That's what he said. Mm-hmm.

Oh, no. Not again.

The central storeroom.

Shall we continue?

There isn't time.

Now.

And if anybody so much
as points a gun at me,

I'm going to kill you.

We'll never make it.

Not if we stand here arguing.

Let's go.

Got about ten seconds left.

Almost enough
time to take a nap.

1,006, 1,005, 1,004,
1,003, 1,002, 1,001...

That's it.

Now we're going
out that main gate,

and if anything
goes wrong, I'm going

to blow a hole through you.

Open the gate.

I'm taking these men into town.

But Mr. Kross said...

I don't care what he said!

Open the gate.

Uh, but I...

I'm the warden here.

Sound the alarm.

I'm sorry, sir.

Open the gate!

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Sound the alarm!

Sound the alarm!

Well, it's about time.

What are you complaining about?

At least you got some fresh air.

You brought the
warden. How nice.

Good evening, Warden.

Oh, shut up.

Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!

I'm afraid I've got
some bad news for you.

Your uncle is really going
to be executed this time.

But my money!

That's what I like
about this girl...

She is filled with
compassion, Artemus.

Ah, what do you
want? Nobody's perfect.

I'm entitled to it.

I can't bear to see a woman cry.

This key... is the key to a
safety deposit box: 1-9-3-5.

And you'll note the name
of the bank is on the key.

Oh, you did it.

I don't want to say anything,

but, uh, I helped.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

You're certainly welcome.

Yes, you've made my whole day.

Now you've got enough
money to do anything you like.

That's right, I have...

but what I want
to do most of all

doesn't take any money.

I refer to a good night's sleep.

Good night, gentlemen,
and thank you.

Oh, yeah.

Good night.

Now, Artemus, you were
in that town for some time.

I'm sure if you were up
to your usual snooping,

you've got nothing
but addresses, right?

Uh, yes, as a matter
of fact I do, I do.

Let's see, now, I have, um...

there's Tanglefoot
John at 333 East Street,

Robert Merchants;
he's drunk at 19 Oak,

Elbert P. Forthright;
he used to beat his wife,

Frank Perkins; he drinks a lot.

Artemus.

Hmm? Forget it.

Just trying to help, that's all.