All language subtitles for The Wild Wild West S01E17 The Night the Dragon Screamed

The merchandise has arrived.

We only ordered 12.

There are 13 here.

One of them is a spy.

Kill them all!

"The Order of the
Crimson Dragon.

"The tong originated in the
northern provinces of China.

"Reputed to be centered
in the Hunan province

"and long outlawed by the ruler,

"His Celestial
Majesty, Prince Shikai.

"A proven
membership in the sect,

bringing the automatic
death penalty."

Well, at least we've identified

the lady's
political affiliation,

but what else did we get?

Oh, one of our fellow passengers

gave me a great recipe
for Cantonese egg roll.

Well, at least we know

they're coming
from Hunan province.

Great.

The opium is
coming in from China.

Yeah, that doesn't narrow
it down too much, does it?

I can understand the opium,

but where are all those
coolies disappearing to?

Maybe they're being used
to stuff fortune cookies.

Oh, come on, Jim.

It's not all a total loss.

After all, uh, we
did help the police

get three bales of opium.

That's not pea pods
and bean sprouts.

And it's not enough, either.

Well, one thing's for sure.

This is a lot bigger
than any tong war.

Hatchets and daggers and poison,

but a Gatling gun...

The Crimson Dragons
have gone modern.

So the Crimson Dragons

can wipe out the Sons of
the Stalking Tiger wholesale.

Maybe the Stalking Tiger
would like to follow suit.

Artemus, if you were to pose as
an illegal armament salesman...

And walk right into the middle

of all of those hatchets
and poisoned darts...

Oh, if we were successful,

we might discover some
highly unusual information.

Yeah, and if we weren't,

we'd be pulling me out
of San Francisco Bay.

What do you think Washington
pays you the big money for

and surrounds you
in all this luxury?

I thought it was
because I had charm.

What's this?

I don't know.

It came in this
afternoon's mail.

Nobody sends me a surprise.

Here, you open it.

Oh, thank you very much.

The inscrutable Oriental
mind being what it is,

the honor's all yours.

Well, break it open.

There may be a coolie in there.

"In the house of delights,

even the painful
truth is sugar sweet."

I'll drink to that...
whatever it means.

It means that my
assignment is going to prove

to be a lot more
interesting than yours.

I've heard it rumored

that in the house of delights,

even a painful
truth is sugar sweet.

What's your opinion?

Pardon?

I not understand.

We both know
that this restaurant

is just a front for
an opium parlor.

I realize that I'm a stranger,

but if the price were right,

do you think you could
arrange an appointment?

Your words have
much beauty in them,

but they are wasted on this
uneducated handmaiden.

Allow me,

and I will send you one
who's better qualified

to discuss the subject
you have raised.

Please, somebody, help me!

Help me!

Help!

Please, somebody, help me!

Please, somebody, help me!

Please.

Help me...

please.

Estimable one, how
may this most miserable

and unworthy creature express
his inexpressible gratitude

for such an act of
charitable mercy?

By talking.

Oh, I will talk.

You see before you one who
was the fastest hatchet man

in all Far East,

but whose life has
become a tedious chronicle

of excessive failures.

Better if you had
left me to the knives.

I'm beginning to agree with you.

Even this job... A
simple assassination,

a cut-and-dry
piecework, as it were,

the sort of enterprise I
once would have spit on...

And even so, I bungled it.

Well, you saw.

Was it not a disgrace?

If it's true that an Oriental

can't get to heaven
without his pigtail,

you better forget
your life story

and start talking.

Who hired you, the tong?

No, they shunned me
like an odious outcast.

It was the contractor.

Contractor.

A man who functions on
behalf of itinerant hatchet men

for a percentage
of their salaries.

Oh, it's a thriving business.

If you and I were together...

Never mind that.

Why did someone
want me assassinated?

Well, there were rumors

of a shadowy
figure of great power,

of tremendous
treachery... An Englishman.

They say his heart
as black as onyx.

Have you not heard of him?

No.

But the contractor would know.

Where do I find him?

Number seven Nightingale Lane.

He has a shop.

His name is Quong Wai.

Please, I tried to kill you,

but it was nothing personal.

Oh, of course not.

All in a day's work.

You're excused.

I don't need you anymore.

Oh, but we cannot separate.

Surely you are aware of
ancient Chinese custom...

He who saves another's life

is forevermore
responsible for that life.

Henceforth,

I mean to abide as closely
with you as your own shadow.

Mr. West?

Uh, Mr. West not here.

This unworthy one
speak only Cantonese

and some little English.

Uh, yes.

Have message for Mr. West...

Very private...

very personal.

Chop, chop.

Uh...

Uh, there was something else?

This most unworthy
person was informed

there would be some small token

for favor received.

Oh... oh, yes, oh, yes.

One of these days I've got
to stop answering that door.

Oh, they don't pay
enough for this job.

Bet you can't break that one.

Surprise!

All right, Charlie, don't...

Sorry, Mr. Gordon.

This most unfortunate condition

will disappear quickly.

The only effects will
be a severe headache.

Our independent contractor?

The late Quong Wai.

Quite a distinctive
calling card.

The Order of the Crimson Dragon.

Don't move.

Again you saved this
miserable creature's...

unworthy life!

I'm beginning to wonder why.

I was told you were
resourceful, Mr. West.

It pleases me to see that my
informants did not mislead me.

And mine have been
falling down on the job.

Wang Chung.

My, uh, therapeutic diversions.

Happily, I have a most
unorthodox physician.

I must get his name.

I have been following
your activities

with unflagging interest.

Oh?

I refer to your probing

of the alien and opium smuggling

in behalf of your government.

Your informants have been busy.

In my awesomely
lengthy lifetime,

I have been many
things, Mr. West,

including prime minister
to the House of Ching

in the province of Hunan.

Hunan? The birthplace of the
Order of the Crimson Dragon.

It is I who am
impressed, Mr. West.

But perhaps you do not know

that the emperor replaced

this organization of assassins

with a new tong, the
Sons of the Stalking Tiger.

Which you represent.

Exactly.

Unfortunately, Emperor Wu

has finally surrendered
the thread of life

to which he has so long clung.

My condolences.

In the absence

of any accredited
heir apparent...

the royal throne was, uh...

Well, as you Americans
put it... up for grabs.

There is a point here somewhere.

There is.

An evil man has determined

for his own selfish reasons

to seize the throne
of the late emperor.

An Englishman, with a
heart as black as onyx.

You are better
informed than I thought.

His name is Clive
Allenby-Smythe.

He is the man you
and your government

have so exhaustively sought.

I'm listening.

Smythe served in
China for 17 years

with Her Majesty's dragoons
before being ignobly cashiered.

He promptly dropped from sight,

was eventually presumed dead.

But two things kept him alive...

His hatred for
Britain and his secret.

Don't tell me... there's a true
claimant to the Hunan throne.

The true successor
is Princess Ching Ling.

And it's Smythe's plan
to take over the throne,

hand it over to the princess

with him pulling the
puppet strings, of course.

An ambition which requires
both money and manpower.

The opium and the coolies.

There's just one flaw
in this elaborate design.

He does not know the
whereabouts of Princess Ching.

And without her, his
plan can't succeed.

It is no longer safe

for the princess to
remain in this country.

Since she wishes no part of
Allenby-Smythe's bizarre plot,

I have determined to
remove her to China at once.

The ship sails at midnight.

Doesn't give you
much time, does it?

It doesn't give you
much time, Mr. West.

It is you who will deliver
Princess Ching to the ship.

You've got it wrong.

I work for the United
States government.

Correction, please.

In case you fail to recognize

the figure on the
dais, Mr. West,

it is your associate, whose name
is, I believe, Artemus Gordon.

The hourglass has been set

so that at precisely 12 midnight

the knife will plunge
into your friend's heart,

unless, of course, the
princess is aboard the ship.

You've made your point.

I was told to give this to you

by the man in the wheelchair.

Enter.

I will fetch the merchandise.

I will be but a moment.

Good evening, Mr. West.

Don't tell me.

Allenby-Smythe.

At your service, sir.

It could get very messy.

Just what I was beginning
to think myself, old chap.

Wouldn't be right.

To force wholesale bloodshed?

In conscience, I'd
hate to be responsible.

"Conscience," you say?

Expediency long ago forced
me to dispense with that luxury.

You'll be dispensing
with more than that

if you force things right now.

Nevertheless, Mr. West,
I intend to force things.

Mr. Chu has the
princess, whom I want.

Now, if I'm forced to obliterate
one or two lives in the process,

I'm perfectly willing to do so.

It has occurred to you

you may lose your own life.

I'm a soldier, Mr. West.

A soldier must take
risks to gain his objective.

Well, Mr. Chu, do
we get the princess...

or do we begin to shoot?

My friends and I
would prefer to avoid

a scene of bloody violence.

Are you going to
let him bluff you?

I don't believe the
colonel is bluffing.

To accede to his demands
seems the only workable solution.

You mean, you won't fight?

Not even for your own princess?

To court eternity is foolish,

but the brave have a
tendency to die young.

Very sensible of you, Mr. Chu.

How nice to meet you, my dear.

Well, Mr. West,

that was an
interesting encounter.

I do trust you won't
find it too, uh...

frustrating, hmm?

One shot and he's a dead man.

Now drop your guns, all of you.

Don't be silly, West, let me go.

My men will kill the princess.

Again, very sensible, Mr. Chu.

I trust there will be
no further heroics?

Excellent.

Bring him to me.

Take her to May Li.

There's just one
thing left to be done.

Wang Chung.

We must draw the fangs
of the Stalking Tiger.

I say, old chap,

you seem to be
in a bit of a fix.

Yes, you get me
out, please, sir?

What an ingenious arrangement...

very ingenious.

When the sand runs
out, the lever is raised,

the candle burns
through the rope,

which releases the weight...

and drives the knife
straight through your heart.

Yes, you... get me
out, please, huh?

Just a thought, of
course, but in my opinion,

they're... they're
using too much weight.

It'll drive the blade
right through your body

into the table.

Might get a bit messy
getting it out, hmm?

Uh, yes.

Sir, the sand.

The sand?

Uh-huh.

Oh, the sand, yes, quite.

Well, it looks as though you
haven't got much time left.

Um...

a few moments for a
confession, perhaps?

This unworthy one is
called Captain Sumetra.

I came to the Sons
of the Stalking Tiger

to offer my humble services
as a... armaments expert.

Armaments expert?

Really?

Yes.

This miserable one
quoted very nominal fee.

Wang Chung proved to
be most unreasonable.

When I suggested that the
Order of the Crimson Dragon

might pay more, they
put me in this position.

Very distressing.

Barbarous, my dear
fellow, absolutely barbarous.

Yes.

But, as I said before,
it is very ingenious.

I imagine it'll be some time

before you haggle
over money again.

I would work for nothing,
sir, most exalted one...

Just for the privilege
of being moved

some small distance
from this knife, huh?

Yes, yes, I rather
imagine you would.

Sir!

Colonel.

Colonel Smythe.

What is it?

It's the princess.

We have been tricked.

What do you mean?

The girl they brought
to us is an impostor.

The real princess must
still be with Quong Chu.

Gently, Mr. West, gently.

Sudden exertion after
exposure to the darts

can be very dangerous.

What time is it?

You are thinking of
your friend, Mr. Gordon.

There is still plenty of
time to save him, Mr. West.

Oh, sure.

All I have to do is rescue
the princess from Smythe

and get her aboard
ship before midnight.

Put her aboard ship, yes,

but it will not be necessary

to remove her from
the colonel's custody.

The real princess.

Precisely.

You should have told me.

If honorable Secret
Service agent will forgive,

he gave us no time.

We had to interfere

before serious damage was done.

It certainly was effective.

How long have I been out?

Long enough for tong
of Crimson Dragon

to discover it has been tricked.

I suggest you go quickly.

Quickly, yes, but first...

What was that for?

Did you not risk your life

to save the life you
thought was mine?

I must say, I appreciate
your appreciation.

But as your friend said,
time is of the essence.

Would it not be worth
a considerable sum

to see the expression on the
face of Colonel Allenby-Smythe

when he discovers the
deception, Mr. West?

That depends.

What is it?

You wanted to see the
expression on the colonel's face?

You'll never have
a better opportunity.

A royal prerogative, Mr. West.

And royally executed, but
this is hardly the time or place.

Why not?

Well, for one reason,

there are about 12 thugs
out there looking for us.

They haven't found
us, have they?

No, not yet.

And if they do,
you'll take care of it.

Mmm.

Like I did back there?

You got hit by our side.

You were doing fine till then.

Are you sure you're
a real princess?

Why?

Well, you're not like any
princess I've ever known.

Hmm.

And just how extensive

is your acquaintanceship
among princesses?

Limited.

You see?

Are you sure you want
to go back to Hunan

and become an empress?

No.

But you're going anyway.

It is my destiny.

But very dull.

Very.

I shall undoubtedly be
married off to some old diplomat

to cement the
friendship between tongs

and loyalties between provinces.

I'm beginning to understand.

There really isn't much time.

Just beginning?

You are occasionally slower

than you are reputed
to be, Mr. West.

Well, I'm a lot more reliable

once I understand the situation.

How long have you been here?

Long enough to observe
that the divinity of princesses

does not refer only
to her divine origin.

Hmm.

You're a philosopher.

Oh, among other things.

There must be some
reason for you being here.

This worthless one
was of the opinion

that honorable master
and the princess

would like to get out of here.

Now, the idea did occur to me,

but that was a little earlier.

This most humble
servant can arrange.

Can he?

I doubt it.

A fine thing to say,

and from one who
has nothing to lose.

All right, arrange.

Ah.

It will take but a minute.

Please wait here.

You did not even miss
this unworthy servant.

Well, that's not true.

Ask the princess.

I was pining away.

Ah.

Now, where were we?

You...!

As I told you at the outset, I'm
lamentably lacking in character.

And a man, even a has-been
hatchet man, does have to eat.

Nothing personal, of course.

Ah, I knew you understand.

Welcome to the Imperial
Mandarin, Mr. West.

Oh, but then you
have already tasted

of the delights here.

I was interrupted
before I had the chance.

What a pity.

Well, perhaps some
other time, hmm?

Oh... I forgot.

There won't be
another time, will there?

You have a bad habit of
jumping to conclusions, Smythe.

I must say, I admire
your confidence.

Captain Sumetra.

We rescued the captain

when we attacked the
lair of the Stalking Tiger.

He's really quite a
valuable acquisition to us,

in view of the fact that
he's an armaments expert.

Captain.

I would like you
to meet... a guest.

Captain, this is Mr. West.

Ah, yes, Mr. West, the one
who has proved such a thorn.

The very one.

Not... in the least
dangerous-looking, I would say.

Shortly, he will be

even less dangerous-looking.

Prepare him!

Will you do the honors, Captain?

No, don't!

It would appear that
Mr. West has an admirer.

Estimable lady may have a point.

Oh?

You need trained officers.

You could perhaps
use this worthless one.

Are you really suggesting
that we should free a man

who has proven
himself to be an enemy?

Perhaps he can be
persuaded to our point of view.

Mr. West is a
dedicated man, Captain.

I don't think that he would
be open to persuasion.

Colonel, given the opportunity,
the time and the implements,

I could convince
the devil to serve tea.

Perhaps you're right.

After all, there's always
the chopping block,

and Mr. West can always die
just as attractively at a later date.

Besides, anticipation does
rather enhance the fulfillment.

It is so.

Possibly a look at our
preparations might convince him.

Our preparations?

You see, Mr. West,

how easy it is

for some people
to give their loyalty?

Now, could it be my
leadership, perhaps...

or gratitude for his rescue?

I doubt it.

Money, I heard,
can buy anything.

Captain?

Well... whichever.

Only loyalty, Mr. West,

will maintain the status quo

between your head...

and your shoulders.

I'm still a long way
from being convinced.

But at least you're interested

in being convinced.

I am interested
in staying alive.

Yes.

Take the princess
to her quarters.

Captain.

Mr. West.

Just a few of my necessary
supplies, Mr. West.

And at this moment,

construction on my
flagship is nearly complete.

It waits only for the armament,

which I will supply.

Then my army will embark

for the Gulf of Hunan.

You're not in
Hunan yet, Colonel.

But I will be... in less
than a month, Mr. West.

Less than a month,

with 1,000 trained
troops... superbly trained...

Just ten miles from here.

With the princess
and these troops,

the province of Hunan

is as good as in
the colonel's control.

By the time your government

becomes aware of that, Mr. West,

it will be too late.

It will have its hands very full

explaining the interpretation

of the British foreign office.

Which is that the United
States endorsed this venture

as a means of furthering
its own commercial interests

in the Far East.

I never had much of
a stomach for traitors.

It appears apparent to
me, Captain Sumetra,

that it will take far more
than gentle persuasion

to alter Mr. West's disposition

towards us and our project.

Bring him!

Our own little steam
bath, Mr. West.

If you'll touch the
walls of the cell,

you'll find that
they're extremely hot.

At high tide,

the water that
you hear below you

will rise to meet the
superheated pipes.

Live lobsters were once
boiled in here... by the carload.

I get the picture.

Uh... in the event the
estimable occidental

sees the wisdom of
accepting the colonel's offer...

he will call?

I'll call.

Good.

What is the meaning of this?

The moment of
truth, my dear chap.

I'm afraid I have no further
time for playing games.

Well, Captain?

I can't honest...

I can't understand it...

I know I had them fooled!

How could he have found out?

Ah...

This most unworthy one

hopes that most honorable agents
will not be too uncomfortable?

Most unfortunate.

But a man must eat, right?

Huh.

Most true, exalted
one, most true.

Who was that?

Oh, just an old
and trusted friend.

James, my boy,

is there something
you want to tell me?

Not particularly.

Have any idea when high tide is?

I don't know.

Care to wait and see?

Not particularly.

I hope it works.

It works.

I hope it works in time.

You learn something every day.

What are we learning from this?

How a lobster feels

before it gets to the plate.

Let's get out of here.

You take care of Smythe,
I'll go after the princess.

Make it fast; I'm going to set a
time fuse in the munitions room.

Too bad, Mr. West.

This is where it ends.

Mr. West.

Princess.

Did I not tell you
you would succeed?

I wish I could keep you around.

You're great for
my self-confidence.

You all right?

I'm fine.

Where's Smythe?

He won't be joining us.

Oh, that's too bad.

And now I suggest,
since this is the princess'

last night in San Francisco,

that we make it a memorable one.

Well, wasn't there
some small problem

about getting her aboard
ship before midnight?

Well, since it's
long past midnight

and Smythe is no longer with us,

I see no necessity for haste.

Do you, Princess?

None whatsoever.

Well... they do
say three's a crowd.

I don't suppose the
princess would have a friend?

Ah...

Have most beauteous handmaiden,

who would be most grateful

for evening of pleasure with
honorable occidental gentleman.

Most unworthy occidental
gentleman would be delighted.

Since this restaurant has gone
out of business rather abruptly,

may I suggest a place
just a little down the street?

Not Chinese, I hope.

No?

Mr. West...

I'm facing a lifetime of rice,
bean sprouts and Mandarin duck.

Was there anything
special you had in mind?

Um...

Have either of you gentlemen
ever tasted lasagna?

And fettuccine.

Oh, and chicken à la Marsala

with mushrooms and anchovies.

And none of us will
be hungry an hour later.

Oh... yes!