All language subtitles for The Middleman (2008) S01E10 The Vampiric Puppet Lamentation

and he had
to run outside naked.

Could you hand me
the Subway Collapse?

He covered himself with the tarp
from the neighbor's Slip 'N Slide

while he waited
for the fire department to show,

but his sister Marjorie was so busy
listening to her Miguel Bose records,

that she never realized
there was a fire at all.

Hey, this is Impending Doom.

So how's Tyler's trip
with his family going?

The trip I've been talking about
for the last five minutes?

Huh? Oh, sorry.
I'm a little out of it.

Tell me you didn't eat
another hot lunch
on the day of our party.

You know how
that saps your energy.

I had a sex dream about Pip.

Could you rewind that? 'Cause it
sounded like you said you dreamt
you were knocking boots

with the malignant nematode son
of our building owner
who copied my artwork

and tried to pass
it off as his own.

That's just it.
And he was kinda...

I'm still a little dizzy.

You have to walk me through this
because I do not see it at all.

It started pretty normal,
for that kind of a dream.

- Hello, Lacey.
- Hey.

How could a sex dream with Pip
possibly start normal?

Hello, Lacey.

Oh, God. Why are we
even talking about this?

- Oh, God, you are hot for him.
- Hot for Pip?

- PMGO.
- PMGO?

- "Puke my guts out."
- He ripped your clothes off?

Grow up, Dub-Dub.
He is a being of the purest
and darkest evil.

You and I have a party to throw
and this discussion
is getting in the way.

Wait, wait, wait. I just have
one thing I have to know:

Was Pip packing?

The seventh grade called,
they want their maturity back.

- Hey, have you seen Noser?
- No... sir.

Joe, I'm serious.
He's not in the hallway,

Anvil hasn't seen him
in forever. No one
knows where he is.

- Hey, am I my Noser's keeper?
- Oh...

Hey, Lacey.
Have you seen Noser?

So, I see the being of purest
evil that no part of you
is even remotely attracted to

somehow got invited
to our party.

He never gets invited anywhere.
Doesn't mean I wanna do him.

Can I interest my
gracious hosts
in a free reading?

Tarot cards are for the
spiritually vulnerable
and intellectually weak.

Come on, it'll be scintillating
and revealing of all
your darkest secrets.

Do it for Wendy, she's the one
that looks way too into dreams.

Empty your thoughts.

No party, no music,
no friends.

- Can you do this?
- Does Usagi Yojimbo
kick serious ass?

- That's a yes.
- Then look far within yourself

until you see nothing but the
deepest yearnings of your soul.

Ah, it's The Lovers
and The Chariot.

You recently were in
a long relationship, yes?

- Yeah, with Ben.
- It'll continue for many years.

Yeah, he dumped me on camera and then
used the footage to score a movie deal.

Oh, well, the pairing can also
mean The Lover has left you.

Permanently.

What?

English, woman!

Young Noser will
be rent limb from limb

to save you!

And, after years of silence,
you finally hear
from your mother.

Um, could you go back to the
part about Noser being killed?

I didn't say anything
about that.

Oh! Temperance
and The Emperor.

You spend too much time
with your father.

Hey, Noser. I know this
is like the fourteenth
message I've left,

but, uh, I just wanna
make sure you're OK.

So call me back.

Or text. Or, you know,
come over.

Bye.

Why do you hate me?

Noser never showed up
for the party

and he still hasn't come
in to drink our coffee.

He's officially MIA.

He's a grown boy.
What's the big?

Jamie the Tarot girl,
she told me he was gonna die.

I think.
I'm pretty sure.

Do I have to read you
Carl Sagan's book again?

Even if the universe
decided to communicate

via playing card images
of antiquated archetypes,

do you really think it would
use that CK One-cologne drenched
charlatan as its mouthpiece?

I really want to believe you,
but your subconscious desire

to do Pip calls all
your advice into question.

- That was one dream.
- Really? You didn't have
one last night?

No.

- No!
- Whether the universe speaks
through Jamie or not,

I still wanna know
if my friend's OK.

- Maybe I should
go ask his roommate.
- Anvil? Are you crazy?

He'll sell you
for decongestant money.

I guess I'll just
go door to door.

Or get called in to work and leave
Noser abandoned and defenseless.

Go to work.

- I'll find Noser.
- Thanks, Lace.

- Hello, Dubbie.
- Ooh! Is it 4:20 already?

Please tell me we're
hunting vampires.

- Einstein strikes again.
- Yes!

At my Confirmation, I prayed I would
one day grow up to kill a vampire.

And now I can.

Wait. Vampires don't rend
people limb from limb, do they?

Not traditionally.
Try this on for size.

- Oh. I'm-a get my Buffy on.
- Hopefully, you won't.

Vampires have been extinct
ever since a Middleman killed

the last one
in the late 1800s.

Let's just say that Van Helsing
might as well be Dutch
for "The Middleman."

But if vampires are extinct,
what's with the wooden stake?

Not just any wood, Dubbie.
You can only kill a vampire

with a stake carved
of purest Carpathian wood.

OK, what's with the stake
of purest Carpathian wood?

And what's Ida doing
with that pile of money?

Marked bills.
Don't get any bright ideas.

- Ever hear of Vlad the Impaler?
- Does Usagi Yojimbo kick...?

Fifteenth century Wallachian
duke, impaled 80,000 Ottomans?

And feasted on their blood.
Vlad was the king
of all vampires.

His army once killed 15,000
peasants in a single afternoon.

Just to be clear,
he did that by impaling,
not by rending limbs?

Today, a vast collection
of Vlad's personal artifacts
has come up for auction.

O2STK believes that,
in the wrong hands,

any one of those artifacts
could trigger
a vampire resurgence.

So we're buying
the whole collection.

I'll be darned if vampires come
out of retirement on my watch.

This auction,
some pretty gnarly stuff, huh?

Like, uh, torture devices,

that wheel they use to
rend people from limb to limb?

Dubbie, I can't help but notice
you seem to have rent
appendages on your brain.

That's the hippie
lettuce talking.

This annoying girl
gave me a Tarot card reading,

and I'm kinda sure I saw her
get all creepy and tell me

that Noser was gonna
be rent limb from limb.
Pretty silly, huh?

Not necessarily.
The way I see it,

A, you overdid it
with the tipple,

B, your experience
in the underworld
opened your third eye,

putting you in direct
contact with prophetic voices
from the great beyond.

- Thanks for ruining my life.
- If you want to help Mr. Noser,

you'll dedicate yourself
mind, body and soul

to preventing undead creatures
of the night from rising
from the grave to suck him dry.

You don't talk
to other humans much, do you?

- What did you say?
- You heard me.

Tell me where Noser went!

- Hey, now, what's going on?
- Pip was about
to eat my fist for lunch.

- Bring it.
- Before we bring in
the first responders,

mind if I ask you
boys something?
I'm looking for Noser.

So am I, but vocational school
here won't tell me where he is.

Ask God when
you see him in five seconds.

Actually, Anvil, I haven't
seen Noser in a few days,

and I'm getting freaked out.

You're his roommate,
can you remember the
last time you saw him?

Come to think of it, Lacey,
I haven't seen Noser
in a few days either.

Thanks.

Nice going, flower power. Noser owes
me three months rent, plus interest.

Dude was this close
to telling me where he is.

Dude was this close to
giving you a manual lobotomy.

- Why do you want him?
- Wendy got a reading that said he was gonna die.

Tarot's for the spiritually
vulnerable and weak.

It sure is.

I have to go.

- You're not going anywhere.
- I have to find Noser.

I do too, and until I get
my rent money, you're getting
more than you bargained for.

I'm your partner.

Complete the
following statement:

"Vampires cannot
be detected by A, mirrors,

B, cameras,
C, cameras or mirrors,

- or D, none of the above."
- You do get it

that I have reprints of
Marv Wolfman and Gene Colan's
entire run on Tomb of Dracula,

an encyclopedic knowledge
of Christopher Lee and Peter
Cushing's work for Hammer Films,

and have laid eyes on
at least three of the
major Canadian syndicated

vampire detective shows? C.

Gold star.

"Vampires have the ability
to turn humans into vampires,
true or false?"

- Do you want me to leave?
- Actually, this one's tricky.

The Middle organization does
have an anti-vampire vaccine.

Once a vampire
tastes your blood,
it knows your entire life story,

your hopes, your fears,
your dreams.

I get it.
Don't let them bite me. Check.

"If a vampire offers you soup,
what does this mean?

A..."

- Find Noser yet?
- No, but we're still looking.

I mean I'm still looking.

- Alone.
- You're with Pip, aren't you?

- It kinda just happened.
- Oh, Lacey, you didn't.

I'd rather lick money. He's
just looking for Noser, too.

And, by the way, he agrees
that Tarot is a total joke.

I'm glad you
have so much in common.

It's the foundation for a
lasting and loving relationship.

Anyway, we're looking through
the whole building, so I'm sure
we'll find Noser soon.

Keep me posted.
And with Pip, you know,
just keep your pants on.

Lacey's seeing Pip?

What? No.
I'm making fun of her

because she had
a sex dream about him.

- Lacey had a sex dream
about Pip?
- It's not that big of a deal.

- But he's a plagiarist.
- What happened to dedicating
mind, body and soul

to the task at hand?

"If a vampire
offers you soup..."

Ladies and gentlemen,
please be seated. Thank you.

Good afternoon, my name
is Nikolas Pherides.
I'll be your tour guide today

for the most terrifying
auction in history.

Actual items actually owned
by the actual Vlad the Impaler.

Who knows what foul sights
our first item has seen,

what unheard cries for help,
what splatters of blood
it must have felt.

Presenting lot A,

this door hinge!

Shall we start the bidding at,
say, $666?

Like anyone's gonna
pay that much for a door hinge.

Rich people.

Seven-fifty. Do I have $800?
Eight hundred, do I have $850?

$850? $850. Do I have $900?
$900.

- We don't have to buy that,
do we?
- Of course.

- But it's just a door hinge.
- And perhaps it opens a door
to the vampire underworld.

- There's a vampire underworld?
- Do you want to find out
the hard way?

1,300 to the gentleman here.
1,300 going once, going twice.

Sold to the gentleman with the green
Eisenhower jacket.for $1,300

4,005? 5,000? 5,000.

Do I have 5,005? 5,005!
Do I have 6,000? 6,000.

6,005? 6,005 going once,
going twice.

Sold to the
young lady in back.

That's one expensive
spoon fragment.

You said it yourself:
vampire soup.

I just hope we have enough
money left for the last item.

- We're down to $400,000.
- What's the last item?

- A surprise.
- Sadly, ladies and gentlemen,

we've reached the end
of our journey of terror.

But don't despair,
we've saved the best for last.

Vlad the Impaler had two loves:

Feasting on the blood
of his impaled victims,

and puppet shows.

Say hello to Little Vladdy.
A mere puppet? Perhaps.

But legend has
a different story.

Throughout history, his owners'
lives have been fraught

with madness,
fever, pestilence,

matri-, fratri-,
patri- and sui-cide.

I have a bad feeling about this.

How many of you would like to see
what Little Vladdy

has to say about
his bad reputation?

Where am I?
Who are you people?

That's not the auctioneer
talking, is it?

Dare you laugh at me? The eternal
night of blood shall soon be upon you!

A seemingly
possessed auctioneer?

A puppet ranting about
an eternal night of blood?

- It's go time.
- You mortals will either join the cult,

or serve as food
for your new masters!

Out of my way, you fools!

Sir? Sir, put down that dummy!

I obey no man!

Looks like we're gonna
have to do this the hard way.

Dubbie, did he just
turn into a bat puppet?

Man, I don't even
have an opinion.

I don't suppose our
coping guide has a chapter
on vampire puppets.

We'll have
to write it ourselves.

Why didn't he turn into
a crispy fritter in the sun?

- Isn't that vampire 101?
- For flesh and blood vampires,
but Vladdy's made of wood.

- Wait.
- Shellac!

All bets are off, Dubbie.
The only thing I'm sure of

is we need to stake
Vladdy's heart before
he turns people into...

...whatever a vampire puppet
turns people into.

Ida, glue your ear
to the police radio.

It's only a matter of
time before the puppet-attack
911 calls start pouring in.

I'm not sure Vladdy's
gonna start biting
anyone just yet.

Look, it's trying to think.

I've seen
all the Blade movies.
I know my way around suckheads.

Vampires live to feast on
the blood of the living, right?

There were plenty of
throats at that auction.
Why didn't Vladdy bite anyone?

I figured he didn't
want a chestful
of purest Carpathian wood.

No. He said something about
"the eternal night of blood"

and he was out the door
before he realized
anyone was chasing.

Maybe he has to do something
to bring about that
"eternal night of blood,"

and maybe one of his previous
owners already tried.

Bram Stoker's widow!

Dubbie, that's
a very canny observation.

Ida, course correction.

Hop on the HEYDAR
and search down every previous
owner of Little Vladdy.

Hopefully, someone who
tried him on in the past
has lived to tell the story.

Way to see clearly
in this bog.

It hasn't been easy
wiping the vision of Noser's

agonizing dismemberment
from your mind.

And thanks for
putting it right back in.

Vampires have killed
more Middlemen than
any other threat.

- Really? How many?
- Two.

Okey-dokey, how's this sound?
Renfield Rehnquist

tried Little Vladdy on
on national television
15 years ago.

We're here at the home
of everybody's favorite
ventriloquist

to take a look at some
of his favorite dummies.

Renfield, this is quite
a collection. What's your
most valuable puppet?

I'd have to say...
it's this guy, by a long shot.

-Wow, he looks pretty scary.
-I'm not sure that's the best idea.

I mean, I don't wear him.
He's quite old, and delicate.

- He's scared to put him on.
- I'll say he is.

-Just wait.
-Think of all the kiddie fans watching from home.

You really want
to disappoint them?

- Don't do it.
- What the heck?

I have always wanted
to try him on.

Here we go.

Where am I?
Who are you people?

Hello there, little fella.

How dare you laugh at me!
Don't you know who I am?

Easy, easy. Maybe it's time
to take off the puppet.

- Never! Away from me!
- a

- PMGO!
- Goes on like that for a while.

After killing the camera guy
and the van driver,

the boom operator managed
to chop off Renfield's arm.

He's been spending his days at
the laughing academy ever since.

Ida, would you
hit pause on that, please? Ugh!

You do understand
the concept here?

We want people to talk to us.

- So we can find Noser.
- News flash, Pollyanna.

The problem ain't me.

Keep giving people
sugar, they're gonna
keep walking all over you.

- Let's go talk to Joe 90.
- He doesn't know anything.

- I talked to him this morning.
- Did you make fun
of his glasses?

Yeah? So?

Time to see
what Pollyanna can do.

Oh. Care to make
this interesting?

- Twenty bucks?
- Done.

- Hey, Lacey, what's up?
- Two things:

One, did I tell you how much
I liked your latest sculpture?

You liked Obelisk at Dawn?

I thought I'd be in for
another one of your lectures

on the art community's need
for phallic symbol reversalism.

Nope, I'm good.

Anyway, number two:
have you seen Noser lately?

Weird. Pip came by this morning
asking me the same thing.

I'll tell you what
I told him: No.

Now, I'll you the truth: Yes.

Like I'd ever rat out the Nose to
that smug little self-loving ponce.

- So you wanna see the surveillance tape?
- Surveillance tape?

Pip's dad gives him money to
pay for the building's security,

but he keeps the cash and
lowers my rent to do it instead.

Seriously, I don't know
how that tool case looks
at himself in the mirror.

I'll get the tape.

Looks like boy
owes girl 20 bucks.

Small price to pay for being the
laughing stock of the building.

You know, Pip, maybe if you
were a little nicer to people,

they'd be more willing
to let you into their lives.

You so wanna do me.

We don't get many visitors from
the Department of Education.

If you can teach the criminally
insane, you can teach anyone.

When that boom operator
chopped off Renfield's arm,
he lost blood,

so much so, he went
brain dead three times
on the operating table.

He now suffers from
a rare condition called

acute-borderline-hyper-
cerebral-dysplasia.

It's destroyed his ability
to tell where he stops

and where the
machinations of his
deranged psyche begin.

- And you give him needles?
- Needlepoint can be a valuable
tool for the relief of stress.

- Talk to him all you like.
- Thank you, Dr. Judd.

Sir, time is of the essence,
so I'll skip the pleasantries.

Little Vladdy, the puppet
that sent you here,
has come back to life.

We believe you might know
where we can find him.

Hey. Look here, buddy.

- It's OK, Wendy.
- What are you doing?

There's only one way to speak
to an insane ventriloquist.

Where has Little Vladdy gone?

- Elizabeth Rousset.
- Elizabeth Rousset?

His heart will guide him to her.

- Who is she?
- The vampire queen.

Vlad the Impaler married her
on the witch's Sabbath, 1459.

But a mob of villagers
scaled the castle walls

and murdered the lovers
with crude farming implements.

Vlad and Elizabeth's
blood spilled onto
their two favorite puppets,

Vladdy and Lizzie,
exact replicas of themselves.

Their souls were damned
into the wood for all time.

- Unless...
- Unless what?

Unless what?

If Vladdy and Lizzie remarry

on the arms of two people
who share true love,

they will regain the form
of flesh and blood

and create an undead army
that will plunge earth

into an eternal night of blood.

Ida, Vladdy's looking for a puppet named
Lizzie, and he's got a huge head start.

We need to find her yesterday.
Start by cross-referencing

Lizzie with Vlad the Impaler
in every database...

- Found her.
- That was fast.

Ha! Didn't even have to look
outside my local memory bank.

Are you telling me the puppet
bride of Vlad the Impaler
is right there at HQ?

Yeah, a Middleman
bought her in 1895.

- Should be in the
fifth floor archive.
- Dubbie, let's go!

We have Einstein's brain?
I thought that was
at Princeton Hospital.

Transylvania 6-5000, Dubbie.

You really think we'd leave that
hanging around a bunch
of frat boys with mono?

So whose brain
does Princeton have?

The only woman smart enough
to kill Einstein.

Hey, Lacey. Good news?

Pip and I found Noser on the
building's surveillance footage.

Please tell me you're not alone
in our apartment with Pip.

And on that footage,
Noser's outside and he's pacing,

he looks kinda on edge.
Then this knock-out Eastern
European-looking chick

gets out of a cab and hands him
a shiny metal briefcase.

- Oh, no.
- What?

Action movies from the
'90s taught us anything,

no good can come from anyone
of Eastern European descent

carrying or exchanging
a shiny silver briefcase!

That sounds suspiciously like
racial profiling, Dub-Dub.

OK, we can handle this. This
doesn't necessarily mean Noser's
gonna be rent limb from limb.

See if you can
read the cab number.

Hey, can I use the HEYDAR
to help find Noser?

I can't lie, Wendy,
this Pip business bothers me.

The thought of her dating that
thievish entitled ne'er-do-well,

- it just smokes my skillet.
- So I can use the HEYDAR?

All right.

Ah.

Good work, Middleman 1895.

Hey, Lacey, I'll use
my connections at work
to track down that taxi cab.

The woman in the surveillance
video is Irena Dubrovna.

- 1010 Holmwood Drive.
- Get the stake!

Unhand me!

Now, Dubbie!

- Ah!
- No!

- Would you hold the still?
- There's no time.

This is a code blood red. We have
to move and we have to move now.

Oh, you are not going anywhere
without a dose

- of the Montesi Formula anti-vampire vaccine.
- Yeah.

I don't want you turning into a vampire,
or a vampire puppet, or whatever.

Besides, we don't even know
where Vladdy and Lizzie went.

Oh, you slipped him
the Middlewatch to track him.
Very nice.

- Ida, ETA on the vaccine?
- Sixty seconds.

-Make it thirty.
-I know you're upset about Chucky's grandfather

sneaking in and biting you.

Dang vampires, not showing
up on surveillance monitors.

- How could I have missed it?
- Could you
take it down a notch?

Dubbie, ten minutes ago this
fight was just like any other.

Now Vladdy has
a tummyful of my red stuff.

That bite gave him
front row seats to my being.

He knows the way I think now.

So we know he won't
be hiding out in any dairies
or G-rated movies.

My ability to fight may have
been permanently compromised.

You need to ready yourself
to finish this fight alone.

- Bend over.
- The whole me fighting
the fight without you,

that's like a worst-case
scenario, right?

Dubbie, as much as it pains me,

at this moment I'm unable
to give you any guarantee
this will end well.

No pressure, hon.
I fully expect you to fail.

How'd Wendy find
this briefcase chick, anyway?

She's got crazy access
to stuff at work.

Crazy access
to her boss's pants.

Don't touch my stomach.
Or my legs.

Then how do you
want me to sit?

OK. Lessons are $65 per session,
with a four week mini...

Excuse me, I'm sorry.
We're friends of Noser's.

- Do you know where he is?
- How did you find me?

- Just tell us where he is!
- What are you...?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's just,
Noser's my best friend,

and he's in really big
trouble with his entitled
tool of a landlord.

- Pip?
- Yeah, he's a monster.

And he's gonna sell
all of Noser's guitars.

Do you know what
that would do to him?
Music is his life.

- Noser swore me to secrecy.
- No, Lacey, it's OK.

This just isn't meant to be.

- Wait.
- Yeah?

You know Noser as the carefree
guitar strumming poet, no?

But I tell you,
he's got the talent of a god.

His family hired me
to tutor him.

By age five, he was
writing his own material.

By age six, he humiliated
all of the great masters.

It was marvelous.
We saw the world,
one royal palace at a time.

Of course, by then I had
nothing to teach the boy.

But the family took pity,
allowing me to care
for the instrument.

Then one day,
Noser turned 13.

He asked to retire.
His family respected his wishes,

moving to a goat farm
in Monaco.

I vowed to heaven
I would guard the instrument,

knowing in my heart
of hearts that one day
he would perform again.

- And that's what was
in the briefcase?
- Yes.

Where is he performing?

The trail stops here, Dubbie.

You ready to puncture
some puppet heart?

I'm not sure it's
gonna be that simple.

A crazed man walking around
with two ventriloquist dummies?

He'll stick out
like a sore thumb.

Oh, phooey.

- Lacey?
- Hey, Wendy.

- And Wendy's boss.
- Hello, Lacey.

- Oh, have you met Pip?
- It's a pleasure.

Boop.

So, what brings
you here, Lacey?

Irena said this is
where we'd find Noser.

- At a ventriloquist convention?
- Oh, this is way
too good to be true.

Noser doesn't play guitar.
He's a ventriloquist.

I gotta go home
and get my camera.

So, Lacey, how have you been?

I've been fine. You know,
I mean... OK.

I guess.
Oh, my God, what happened?

Oh, it's all right.

- Sorry. I'm sorry.
- I cut myself
shaving this morning.

With a machete?

- Hey, I think I see our client.
- Oh. Um...

You'll have
to excuse us, Lacey.

Careful with that razor.

Lacey, find Noser
and get him out of here.
He's not safe.

- Why not?
- Just... trust me.

Sir? Sir?

Where did the puppets go?

- Puppets?
- Uh, Vladdy from the auction.

- Where am I?
- Excuse us a moment.

- What's going on?
- Clearly, this man's suffering

from some sort of vampire
puppet-induced amnesia.

Vampire puppet-induced
amnesia? Sheesh!

Wait, if Vladdy's not on his
arm, he could be anywhere.

In a convention center
full of puppets.

Excuse me, I'm looking
for a guy named Noser.

- Noser?
- He's about this tall...

- You're kidding.
- No. He's got an Afro...

The Noser?
I know what he looks like.

- Have you seen him?
- If I'd seen him,
do you think I would

have flown across the country
to enter this contest?

Do you have any idea where
I could look to find him?

Sure, wherever they hand out
the gold medals.

Excuse me,
young pretty girl.

- I know where Noser is.
- Aw! He's cute.

- What's his name?
- Vladdy.

- Where's Noser, Vladdy?
- Follow me. I'll take you.

You're really good. I didn't
see your lips moving at all.

We should keep our eyes peeled
for couples, Dubbie.

Now that Vladdy has his fianc�,
he'll be looking to get married.

Hey, look.
I think she found Noser.

- Lacey?
- Lacey?

Get your fangs away
from my best friend.

I have a different idea.

Put me on.

I thought the puppets had to get
married on two people in love...

Oh, boss.

- Stay your weapon, Dubbie.
- What are you doing?

- Saving Lacey.
- We can do that by putting a
stake in Vladdy and Lizzie's

- cold black hearts.
- He knows I can't
let Lacey get hurt.

- The blood does not lie.
- Pipe down, Pinocchio.

You can't do this.
What about the vampire army
and the night of eternal blood?

Stop him alone.
I warned you this might happen.

Wendy, if this
comes down to the wire

and you have to make a choice
between me or Lacey, save her.

Don't get any ideas
when I'm between arms,

or the girl dies.

- Where am I?
- Hang back and you'll be cool.

Prepare to reap the whirlwind.

Now, Wendy Watson.
Hand over the stake.

No way.
I'm using you for kindling.

I have a few friends standing
behind you who might disagree.

That one might have worked
in 1459, but today's woman
is a little more savvy.

You created vampire puppet
minions and they're all
standing behind me, aren't they?

Guilty.

Eat her slowly, my children.

Ah!

That is so not cool.

Hello.
We'd like to get married.

It's a ventriloquist thing.
Will there be a problem
marrying us with our puppets?

Goodness, no!

I always have time
for two people in love.

Sorry, dude.

And sorry in advance.

This ring I give you,
in token and pledge

of our constant faith
and abiding love.

- Noser?
- Wendy Watson?
What are you doing here?

- You gotta get out of here.
- I need the prize money.

Look, I sank all my money
into my concept album.

I came out of retirement
to do this,

to pay the rent
and finish my record,

and Young Noser and I
are taking the stage.

Noser, if you don't leave
immediately you're gonna...

Wait, "Young Noser?"

Young Noser will be rent
limb from limb

to save you!

Young Noser is my dummy.
The whole point of my act is
that he looks exactly like me.

Trust me, Wendy Watson,
I get on that stage,

this prize
money is mine.

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

They're about
to call me to stage.
Anything else I can do?

Not unless you have some
purest Carpathian wood handy.

That's weird. Did you just
say purest Carpathian wood?

- Yes.
- My old ventriloquism tutor

used that expression
all the time.

I carved him for you myself,
out of the purest
Carpathian wood.

Minions of the night,

arise from your
centuries of sleep

to feast on the blood
of all mankind!

You give love a bad name.

Where's Lacey?

- So I guess we, uh...
- Yep.

- What's going on?
- Uh, Lacey got
a little overheated

in the convention center. So we
brought her here to cool off.

Really?
I don't remember that at all.

It's not uncommon
for a fainting victim

to experience a brief period
of forgetfulness.

Save it for class, teach.
Help me stand her up.

My car's parked just outside
in the handicapped spot
if you want a ride home.

Get a good night's rest.
You'll be fine.

Oh.
Yeah, of course.

Hey. Where'd I get this ring?

Wendy, why don't you ride home
with your friends?
I can see to things here.

Good idea.

- Ride lonesome, huh?
- Yeah. That's right.

So, Young Noser,
I can't help but notice
you look a little different.

Why don't you tell
the nice people here
what happened to your arms?

Oh, three-picture deal,
here I come.

- Hey. I'm watching that.
- Show's over.

- What are you doing?
- I want the footage.

Then watch it on-line
when I put it on MyFaceInATube.

Noser's very protective
about his past, Pip,

and it should be his
decision whether or not
to come out of the...

- ...ventriloquism closet.
- Oh, well.

You got your rent money.
Now, you're just being mean.

Can't you do a solid
for your friend?

Noser's not my friend,
remember?

Apparently, no one
in this building is.

Uh... here.

You done good, Pip.

Hey. Wanna do some more good?

Ow!

See you around.

So, looks like I'm rooming
with your ex-wife.

That was just an evil ceremony,
Wendy. It wasn't legally
binding in any way.

I know. Just thought
a spoonful of funny

might help the
unbearable awkwardness go down.

Oh. Thanks.

So, you and my best friend...

True love.

Uh, the success of our
demonic puppet marriage

would seem
to validate that, yes.

You know, you're the one
who told me to open the door

if true love comes knocking.

None of this would have
happened if what you felt
for Lacey wasn't real.

Even true love
doesn't always work out.

You're one of the good guys.
So is Lacey.

You deserve each other.
What if it's fate?

Like my message about Noser.
God knows what it was,

but something
wanted to get me a message
that would save the day.

Who are you to say
that something doesn't
want you to be with Lacey?

If I wanted to be with Lacey,
nothing could stop me.

No enemy, not Pip, not you,

not even fate.

But, uh...

- Well, she's not...
- She's not what?

'Cause from where I'm sitting,
she looks pretty good.

She's not the only woman I love.

Good work today, Dubbie.

Hey, Lacey and Noser,
and everyone in our building.

We had to celebrate
Noser's return
to the land of the living.

And there was plenty
of green punch left.

Gotta love a recipe
that yields nine gallons.

To Noser:
our resident man of mystery.

So, I assume the building
doesn't know your little secret.

I rushed out of town to spend
a few days with my grandmother?

- Nah, they know.
- Oh, my gosh, Noser,
you'll never believe this.

While you were gone,
I totally did your reading

and it said you were
with your grandmother.
Isn't that insane?

- My thoughts exactly.
- I still have
the cards laid out.

Come on, I'll show you.

I'm telling you,
he's a ventriloquist.
I have everything on camera.

- And where's the tape?
- Lacey stole it.

You actually expect me
to believe someone as
pure-hearted and loving as Lacey

could out-manipulate
someone as conniving
and evil-hearted as you?

She distracted me...
with a kiss.

Yeah.
This story's getting easier
and easier to believe.

I can't make this stuff up!

Wait,

- you kissed Pip?
- It was for a good cause.

And believe me, it officially
eradicated any confusing
subconscious attraction

- that may have been going on.
- Seriously?

You didn't have a sex dream
during your pre-party nap?

Hello, Lacey.

Nope. I'm good.

Then that's even more
cause to celebrate.