All language subtitles for The Middleman (2008) S01E08 The Ectoplasmic Panhellenic Investigation

Units, we have an attempted
374B in progress.

Niner niner, this is control.
We have a 27B-6.

What's up with the droid?

- She's listening to chatter.
- Chatter?

CIA, NSA, Interpol,
local police.

They tend to ignore
the important things,

so we keep an ear to their frequencies for
anything that might require our special touch.

Just how much "special touching"
do we do?

Remember the mutant llama invasion of '06?
The second werewolf administration?

- The day without wheat?
- Wait. The second werewolf administration?

Vigilance is the name
of the game.

There's a bogie
in the reception area.

- Tyler.
- What in the gosh darn...?

Tyler Ford. Current
address: 1812 Galaxy Avenue.

Relationship to
the Middle-organization:

former potential recruit who
interfered with a covert operation

while working as a busboy
at The Booty Chest.

The pirate-themed sports bar
with scantily-clad waitresses.

Pipe down. I was just getting to the fun
part where he got knocked in the head

and stricken with two-day-amnesia
while trying to save Wendy's keister.

Hm. What's he doing here?

Hopefully looking for me.

If he regained his memory he probably
has a pantload of questions.

Questions I'd rather not answer.

I'll find out.
I'm gonna go say hi.

Wait, no.
Wendy, no, our secrecy.

Secrecy? Come on.

We walk around with fake badges
and paper-thin cover stories
and dorky uniforms

and most people still don't
believe any of the things we do.

Precisely. Most people can be
trusted to shrug off our presence,

but Tyler Ford
isn't most people.

We identified him as a possible
Middleman and that makes him a danger.

When people like he
start asking questions,

- sometimes we have to take measures.
- Define "measures."

A local reporter once asked too
many questions about our parameters.

Days later he received a lucrative
offer from a TV station in another town.

- That doesn't sound so bad.
- In Greenland.

I told young Tyler to scram.

You made the cute boy
go bye bye?

He didn't get his memory back.

Found our address
in his appointment book.

Wanted help piecing together
his missing two days.

You could have let me talk to
him. If he doesn't remember
anything, what's the harm?

Ida did right. Any reminder
about the events from that day
could open a cerebral floodgate,

causing him to regain
his entire memory, and
that can only mean one thing.

Greenland.

Everything's fine, Mom. I do not
sound "dour and forlorn."

I'm just popping home
to pick up some stuff.

- No, I did not get fired.
- Nice car.

I gotta call you back.

- Hi.
- She's a beauty.

Really. I think the Smart Car is the
greatest act of automotive engineering

since the cuter, cuddlier, albeit
less efficient...Hruck Bugbear.

- Whoa.
- You OK?

Uh... I just got a massive case
of the d�j� vus. Weird.

Anyway, do you live
in this building?

Uh, yeah.

This is gonna sound
totally insane,

but you seem really nice
so maybe you can help me.

Shoot.

A little while ago I was
beaten by Lucha Libre wrestlers,

left for dead in an alley
and suffered two-day amnesia.

You still with me
or did I lose you?

I walk beside you.

Anyway, I'm on this quest

to piece together
my missing two days.

And your quest brought you here?

I can't remember anything
specific. I just keep getting
these weird feelings.

Like d�j� vu?

More like intense happiness

coupled with a profound sense
of giddiness.

This is the crazy part. I'm pretty
sure that during those two days

I met my soulmate.

Soulmate? Really?

Could you excuse me?

So you were saying something
about a soulmate?

Yeah. Unfortunately Google can
only do so much when you don't
have a name. Or a face.

But I got this in the mail.

- A check for 14.73?
- You ever heard of
The Booty Chest?

Pirate-themed sports bar
with scantily-clad waitresses?

Arrr. I apparently worked there
as a busboy for 90 minutes.

The manager confirmed
that I flirted with
one of the waitresses.

He even gave me her address.

- So you're here to see her?
- Yeah. But now
I'm totally losing my nerve.

And I was hoping you could give
me the scoop on the girl in 6B.
Is she single?

- Do I have a shot in hell?
- She's single.

And I'm pretty sure you have
an excellent chance.

- Really?
- I'm Wendy.

Wendy Watson.

I can't believe you know
Lacey Thornfield.

Remember that
dark and soulless day

I spent peddling my goods
at The Booty Chest?

Rings a bell.

Well, you'll never guess

who showed up at our doorstep
looking for my booty.

Remember that
cute busboy, Tyler?

Tyler? Wow. Really?

Yeah. Now here comes
the awkward.

He asked me out.

Wow. Really?

That's your second "Wow really?"

Which is International
Wendy Code for "awkward."

I sorta figured you'd
have a problem with this.

I'm just surprised is all.
I didn't realize you'd gotten
to know him.

Please tell Lacey hello from me.
And then tell her goodbye.

I'm afraid this is urgent.

Is that Pillow Lips?
Tell him I'm over him.

Lacey says hey.

So, yeah,
me and Tyler didn't talk much,

but I guess
I left an impression.

And to be honest he kinda
left an impression on me too.

- Wow. Really?
- You're doing it again.

- Lacey, I gotta run.
- OK. But call me
when you get...

- What?
- Please replay the message.

- Reitman University
campus police.

-What's your emergency?
-Dude, oh God, oh God, oh God.

There is some seriously crunked up
stuff over here! It's a ghost! A ghost!

- She's coming after me!

Ghosts? Sweet.

Dubbie, there's nothing
sweet about ghosts.

Spirits only linger in this world
when they have unfinished business,

violent, vengeful business.

But Casper's
such a friendly guy.

It may all seem like
light and magic at first,

but the next thing you know
the walls are bleeding

and you've got 25 pregnant women running
around screaming, "Mary, Mary, Mary"

and clawing their eyes out
with knitting needles

while your own hair grows to three times
its length and tries to strangle you.

That sounds... specific.

I've got an address.
55 Ray Parker Jr. Avenue.

The house is registered
to an Omega Theta Nu.

Guys, I cracked the case. That's a
sorority. This is a pledge stunt.

Good afternoon, sir. We need a word
with your incarcerated ghost caller.

I'm Dr. Stantz and this is Dr. Zeddemore
with the parapsychology department.

The only people allowed near him
are the Metro Police.

- Of the Metro Police.
- Let me go get him.

Is everything OK with Lacey?

Yeah. Totally fine.

I'd hate to think
she were upset about...

Well, anything.

Oh.

Is that our prank caller?

- Nice dress.
- You'd wear it too

if it got you into
Theta Theta Gamma fraternity.

- I seriously doubt that.
- Start at the beginning.

My pledge challenge was to boldly
go where no man had gone before.

The third floor of the
Omega Theta Nu sorority house.

And that's where
you saw the ghost?

I don't know if she had legs, but she definitely
had arms, because she reached out for me.

- What did she say?
- I dunno.

But I definitely heard
the words "skank and whore."

Are you going to arrest me?

The campus cops said I'm in trouble
for making a phony phone call.

But I swear,
these boobs may be fake,

but that emergency phone call
was real.

Oh, man. You're gonna rough me up.
I've got rights, you know.

Louis, I would never hit a man
in a dress unless I had
exhausted all other options.

Now relax and tell me how long
you've had the gift.

What gift?

The ability
to see and hear ghosts.

This was the first time.

Tell me about what's going on
in your life. Anything unusual?

My freshman year has been
totally normal. I go to class,
hang with the bros...

This boy has no pineal gland.

That's because I had brain
surgery a few months back.

Might've been worth mentioning
in the "anything unusual"
portion

of the question
and answer period.

This is interesting.

Louis' lack of a pineal gland
allows his brain to receive
low frequency vibrations.

Thus allowing him to see and
hear ghosts. Fascinating.

Can you construct something
that duplicates the effect?

- Certainly. Scalpel.
- Ida.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm on it.

So what now?
We head on over to Greek row?

I wish it were that easy.

I know. Strangling hair.
Walls bleeding.

Those things I can handle.

Dubbie, I can badge my way
into Fort Knox.

I can talk my way
into Lincoln's bedroom.

But a sorority house?
When it comes to that forbidden
stronghold of femininity,

I'm afraid penetration
is nearly impossible.

That's not what I've heard
about the Omegas. Oooh!

Never mind. I can get in.

- You can?
- Sure.

Any out-of-town Omega
can show up at the
Reitman University chapter,

slip the president
the secret handshake,
and ask to stay in the house.

And I can get the handshake from
Lacey. Her mom was an Omega.

Oh. So everything is OK
with you and Lacey?

Yeah. Everything's fine.

Sisters now
We welcome you

To Omega Theta Nu

From where we come

To where you roam

Sisters forever
You're always home

Gonna need you
to stop bouncing now.

Hey. You asked for
the full sorority experience.

This is what it was like
growing up with

Barbara Thornfield MD,
PhD, Omega Theta Nu
for a mother.

Never realized the full extent
to which that woman
psychologically damaged you.

Speaking of
emotionally stunted...

- I'm not avoiding the
Tyler topic.
- Yeah, you are.

But I get it.
If you like him, I'll back off.

So do you? Like him?

- Do you?
- I asked you first.

I'm not the one
who got asked out.

But you're the one potentially
blocking my ask out.

So you do want
to go out with him?

Yeah. I do.

Then you should go out with him.

But do you like him?

Honestly?
I barely even remember the guy.

I hate the idea of sending you
alone against an angry minion
of the spirit world.

If I had the physique for it I'd
pull on pumps, a flowery skirt
and a pair of panty hose

and go in there myself.

- Are these my Pineal Blockers?
- You'll be able to see ghosts

but unless you go through a Pineal-ectomy,
you won't be able to hear them.

And be careful with those. Ida constructed
them with the last of our Nutrona Wands.

You break it, you bought it.

The girls come in. They come out.
They talk in groups of variant size.

There's no pattern.
I don't like it.

That's because they are sorority
girls, not Soviet spies.

Speaking of the Red Menace,

while undercover, you will follow the
Cold War spy method known as Moscow Rules.

The tenets by which America's agents of
freedom survived under the Socialist yoke.

Moscow Rule number one,
assume nothing.

Two. Build in opportunity,
use it sparingly.

Three, never go against your gut,
it is your operational antenna.

Four, don't look back.
You are never completely alone.

Five, everyone is potentially
under opposition control.

- Six...
- How many Moscow Rules are there?

Fifteen.

Six, there is no limit

to a human being's ability
to rationalize the truth.

Seven, vary your pattern
and stay within your cover.

Eight, any operation can be aborted.
If it feels wrong, it is wrong.

Nine, technology will
always let you down.

Did you used
to have an Irish Setter?

Captain Sparks?

Gotcha.

- Can I help you?
- You Omega Theta betcha.

I'm Wendy. I'm an Omega from State.
I'm just in town on vacay.

I was hoping
to stay at the house.

That handshake won't work here.

I don't understand.

Here at Reitman we greet our sisters
with hugs. Welcome home, Wendy.

It's drafty in here.
I'll close the door.

Are you ready
for the grand tour?

You couldn't have picked a better time
to visit. We're throwing a huge party.

We have a record number
of houses coming,

making Omega Theta Nu
the social hub of the campus.

- I hope you like to party.
- You know it.

- Hey!
- Are you OK, Wendy?

Yeah, it's a new prescription.
I'm still getting used to it.

- Sorry.
- And you are?

Wendy from State. This is Alley.

- Hi. Nice to meet...
- You go to State?

I know your social chair
from Nationals.

- What's your last name?
- Watson.

But I'm not from this state.

I'm an Omega from the great
state of, uh... Alaska.

- What are you doing here?
- Road trip.

Alley, maybe you could give
Wendy a chance to relax

before inappropriately
grilling her.

Besides, I'd like you
to meet our president, Dana.

Everything OK?

Uh... Could I use
the little Omega Theta's room?

Hey, Bossman, are you there?
It's Wendy.

Moscow Rules. No uncoded names
on an open frequency.

This is the Gatekeeper.
Are you in, Keymaster?

Keymaster here.
What's your status?

My status is
I'm in some deep ectoplasm.

I don't think
these ghosts are ghosts.

There's human versions
of them walking around.

I was just in a room standing next to
a perfectly normal flesh-and-blood coed,

who was talking to me
and next to her, an apparition
that looked like her!

- Ghosts of the living!
- Is that one
of your snappy exclamations

or are you just defining
what we're up against?

- A little of both.
- What do I do?

I need all your readings
and test results
as soon as humanly possible.

- Pardon the bad pun.
- Fantastic.

- Hey, guy I don't know.
- Hi, dude with the guitar.

I'm Tyler.
Friend of Lacey's.

- Special friend of Lacey's?
- Hoping to be.
Got any knowledge?

A special girl. You're gonna
have to sleep out in the rain
if that's the way she wants it.

- Percy Sledge. Very nice.
- What can I say? The man knows
how to love a woman.

Even Michael Bolton
couldn't ruin that song.

Don't tell anyone I said that.

Guy I don't know is starting
to look like guy
I've known my whole life.

OK, I think I've got
your PKE Meter assembled.

Now attach the atrial inhibitor
into the flux valve modulator.

Long pokey thing into
the square stubby thing. Got it.

Let's hunt some ghosts.

Wait. You hear that?

- Our ghost friends?
- My gut says human.

Never go against your gut,
Gatekeeper. Your gut
is your operational...

Oh hey, Alley. Watcha doin'?

Hi. I was just walking by.

That's weird because it sorta
looks like you're eavesdropping.

Does it?

Why are you all up
in my Omega Theta business?

Maybe I don't trust
you are who you say you are.

You gonna check that?

Oh man. Today officially sucks.

Who's the hottie?

You want to know my business?
Fine.

"Tyler and me playing Stump the
Band with Noser. How cute is he?"

I'm guessing
Tyler is the guy you like.

And the girl in the picture
is my best friend and roommate.

- Ouch.
- It's totally my fault,

because I told her
I didn't like him.

I know I haven't really earned
the right to give advice,

but I am really good at it.

Bizarre love triangles
are, like, my specialty.

My best friend,
Erica Maynard, is ensnared
in the middle of this drama

that would blow your mind.

OK.

Uh... So last week
I stopped Lacey, my roommate,

from dating my boss...
...uh, professor.

And you feel like you can't
keep getting in her way?

That's pretty selfless
in theory.

But do you honestly think
you can handle seeing
Lacey and Tyler together?

Not in any sane
or rational way.

Look, I'm sorry if I came off
harsh before. Truce?

Truce.

You do know
the Omega Theta Nu handshake.

- Of course I do.
- We have to talk.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Eleanor.

Oh, is that someone
calling my name?

- I don't hear anything.
- Yeah, see ya.

Could you excuse me?

I'd like it duly noted

that in an exercise of trust,

I'm following you guys because
you seem to want to communicate.

So please don't abuse that trust
by killing me with my own hair.

So you're all officers.
You're all in the picture.

Um... you're all
walking around downstairs

but your ghosts
are all here with me.
Is that what you want me to see?

OK. OK, OK, OK.

Um, OK, uh...

Wait a minute.

You don't want me
to see who's here.

You want me to see
who's not here.

El.. Eleanor?

- What are you doing?
- Alert.

Sister Wendy, we are so excited
to welcome you

to the Reitman University
chapter of Omega Theta Nu.

Ladies, OK.

Sisters now
We welcome you

- To Omega Theta Nu
- Theta Nu

From where you come
To where you roam

Sisters forever
You're always home

Sisters now
We welcome you

- Act like everything is normal.
- What?

This may be our only chance.
They're watching me.

- They don't know the cheer.
- They don't know any cheers.

Or remember traditions.
Not even the handshake.

I wanted to tell you, but Eleanor
won't let me be alone with anyone.

The president brought her in
two weeks ago.

Right around the time the whole
executive board started acting weird.

They're acting
like she's in charge.

-Eleanor's behind this.I know she is.
-Behind what?

Hey!

Hey, big bro,
what a pleasant surprise!

Hey, sis. Uh...

Afternoon ladies.

I apologize for
the hasty entrance
but Mother, our mother...

Different fathers.

- She had one crazy night in...
- Tijuana.

Tijuana?

Mother asked me to pick you up
to attend to a family emergency.

It was nice of you to rush over
from your job
with the campus police.

Yes, of course.
Keeping you safe.

Take back the night.
Come on, sis.

Hurry back, Wendy.
We'll miss you.

- I'm Cuban.
- Campus police?

Why can't you be the
illegitimate, disreputable one?

Man, that Noser guy
is mesmerizing.

He's like a one-man oasis of Zen
in a desert of insanity.

I never thought I could play
Stump the Band without hearing
a single song.

So here we are at last.

- Sweet pad.
- Put your walking shoes on,
I'll give you the tour. Ready?

Kitchen, dining room,
living room, my room,
performance art zone. Ta-da!

Uh-oh. Oh, I knew
you were too good to be true.

I can't even be friends
with someone who likes
The Zombies of Mora Tau.

Then it's lucky for me zombies
are more of a Dub-Dub thing.

- What's a Dub-Dub?
- Roommate.

Ah.

Wow. Very nice.

D�j� vu.

These are the masher chumsuckers
that attacked you.

- I'll turn it around.
- No, no, no. It's good deja vu.

Instead of memories
I get feelings.
And this one is really strong.

And it is helping me remember
something specific.
That day at The Booty Chest.

I met an amazing girl...

Well, you already
knew that part.

Yeah, but now I remember
that I wanted to do this.

Eleanor June Draper.
Kid's got a record a mile long.
National Merit Scholar.

Recipient of the prestigious
Egon Spengler Memorial Award
for Excellence in Physics.

Short listed
for the Ivo Shandor medal.

Fits the evil genius profile.

Fits the Middleman profile.

And we are in the market
for someone who can actually
complete a mission.

I was attacked.

With flowers and a song.

Wendy is right.
This has all the tawdry stench
of a mad scientist.

It's a rare opportunity
to confront one
still in her nascent stage.

That's right.
How do you like me now?

If our theory is correct
who knows what
Eleanor is capable of.

Or what else she has planned.

Dubbie, I only
have one question.

How does an evil physics genius
manufacture ghost versions
of five women?

How in the eyeglasses
of Doctor T. J. Eckleburg
did you manage to break yours

when we so desperately
need confirmation?

Probably tried to smoke 'em.

Moscow Rule number nine.
Technology will always
let you down.

We have no way of contacting
those supernatural
sorority bippies.

Moscow rule 11,
always keep your options open.

I'd better get
to see some boobs out of this.

So, are "they" here?

Oh. Yeah.

OK, ladies. I've brought
an interpreter with me,

so please answer all
my questions clearly and slowly

- and Louis here will translate.
- They say "OK."

So, what the hell happened?

We have no idea. This whole
thing is so crazy upsetting.

OK. Uh... So, what's the last
thing you remember

before going all ghosty?

We all got invited to the Beta
Wu Lavender Sweetheart Court.

Which is super weird because...

If you even say
it's because I'm fat...

Nobody thinks you're fat, Nancy.
Hello issues.

I was going to say
it's super weird because

instead of telling us
to go to the fraternity house,

the invite said we should
go to the physics complex
across campus.

- You get that, Keymaster?
Basement.
- Loud and clear, Gatekeeper.

Double doors, 36 steps
from the elevator.

How in the hell
do you know that?

I like to count things.
It's comforting.

OK, superfreak.
And for the record

you totally called me fat that
time I wore a peasant blouse.

That's because everyone looks
fat in a peasant blouse.

I'm totally sorry
I implied you were fat.

I would never do anything
to intentionally drive you
to an eating disorder.

- Really?
- Really.

I love you guys.
Group hug?

They're hugging.

Gatekeeper? Gatekeeper!

If you can hear me, I'm looking
at five comatose females

of a decidedly bookish type.

- I resent that.
- Eleanor Draper.

I see that you've met my friends
from the physics dorm.

- Stop right there.
- Don't you want the grand tour
before you shoot me?

I know exactly what this is.
A Quantum Processor.

You built this to project
the souls of your friends
into the bodies of the Omegas.

I don't get it.
You're obviously brilliant.

Why attack a sorority?

The Omegas are
hedonistic, entitled...

- Wouldn't take you,
would they, Eleanor?
- I hate those exclusive sluts!

So I built this machine
and selected the bodies
of the five alpha females

to bring down
their organization from within.

The Omegas are throwing a party,

With my friends controlling the
bodies of the executive board,

the party will descend
to a level of drunken carnality
and debauchery

that would make Caligula blush.

The university will have
no choice but
to shut down the house,

perhaps even
the Greek system, forever.

All of this
to take down a sorority?

My plan is sheer elegance
in it's simplicity, isn't it?

No!

Then try this on for size.

Today Omega Theta Nu.
Tomorrow, the world.

This ends now.

Among other things, my machine
runs on a frequency that blocks
all radio communication.

Not to mention
the neutering effect it has
on positron glider blasts.

Moscow Rule number nine!

Not all technology.

- Boss! You OK?
- Ah. Wendy. Hello.

I've been trying to get a hold
of you. What's going on?

Uh. Everything's under control.
Situation normal.

Really? 'Cause I just ran here in heels
because I thought you were nerd jerky.

Why didn't you answer my calls?

Calls. As in the plural of call.

And heels. As in why does my required
crime-fighting uniform involve heels?

Eleanor's Quantum Processor evidently
jammed all our communication frequency.

It's an impressive machine
on many levels.

- Great. Let's go blow it up.
- Yes. Blow it up. Already done.

It's already done?
And Eleanor?

Did her too.

You've really got to work on your
word choices. But I'll bite.

- What did you do to her?
- She's gone.

- Did you send her to Greenland?
- Yeah.

- Our work here is done?
- Mission accomplished.

I should check the girls. They've
gotta be having an Omega Theta meltdown.

Let's give them some time.

They're a little suspicious
of outsiders right now.

Yeah. You're probably right.

- Tyler.
- Wendy of The Smart Car.

Tyler of...
Lacey! And Tyler.

You didn't tell me you were also
Dub-Dub of Apartment 6B.

Well, I'm a girl
of many mysteries.

- We're going to
the Vegan Palace. Wanna...
- Wow.

Third wheel
at a vegan restaurant?

Now there's a Friday night.

But sadly, no can do.

I've got a hot date with
The Zombies of Mora Tau.

So it's true. Someone in the
world actually likes that movie.

Something against
zombie treasure protectors?

How can any human harvest
enjoyment from those gore-free
sorry excuses for zombies?

With a pint of ice cream
in one hand and a can
of Reddi-wip in the other.

All that movie did was remind
the world how boring zombie
movies were until...

Night of The Living Dead.

Which is why I worship
those gore-free little guys.

Just when I think I can't
watch Night of The Living Dead
one more time

I watch Mora Tau and am so
stunned by the sheer awfulness

that I forget
Living Dead ever existed.

Then I pop my old friend into
the DVD player. And it's like
seeing it for the first time.

A zombie palate cleanser.
That's pure genius.

- So...
- Right. Dinner.

The lady wants twigs and oats.
The lady shall eat
twigs and oats.

- Later, Dub-Dub.
- Later.

Later.

Great. Now in addition to sucking,
you guys also remind me of Tyler.

Awesome.

I can't believe
it's come to this.

- Hey, Alley?
- Wendy?

I hope I'm not catching you
at a bad time, but I'm
in serious need of a talk down.

- Tyler drama?
- Like you wouldn't believe.

What's that noise?
It sounds like Caligula
is raging in the living room.

I don't know who Caligula is.
But if she's like a total
drunken slut, then yeah.

But I'm all yours.
Tyler. Roommate.
Bizarre love triangle. Go.

I thought the party
would be cancelled.

I guess you haven't talked
to your brother.

My brother is at the party?

Your brother is the party.

I'm gonna have to call you back.

Louis! What are you doing here?

I'm being harassed by your boss.
He accosted me
in the middle of...

OK, man. Calm down.

He wants me to
do this word for word.

Wendy, this is your boss.

Eleanor has inhabited my body
and now I'm afraid my
communication with you

is only possible
through this young vessel.

Oh you gotta be kidding me.

We must act quickly. Now that
I've experienced for myself
what Eleanor is capable of,

I fear she may not only be
a threat to the Greek system
but to the world at large.

No way. I never trust
a Greek bearing gifts.

I'm not going anywhere until you
prove he's with you.

Boss, if you're floating around
somewhere out there, say
something only you know.

Dubbie, I'm afraid I can't
divulge sensitive Middle-secrets
through a civilian interpreter.

Let's go.

Omega Theta Nu.

You will never find a more wretched
hive of scum and villainy.

Call the campus police.

You want me to call the cops?
No way.

I can't rat out the...

OK. Stop being
such a control freak.

Louis here will call the campus
police while you look around
for my body and sedate it.

I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I'm on Louis' side.

If the cops show up now, Omega gets
their charter revoked and Eleanor wins.

Dubbie, there's too much
at stake.

I'm afraid Omega Theta Nu is a necessary
casualty for the sake of humanity.

This isn't just a house.
It's a home to these girls.

We can't take
that away from them.

Oh man. I really
sucked down the Kool-Aid.

But come on. There's gotta be
another way to stop her.

Great Caesar's Ghost.

Does that mean
something to you?

He says
you're absolutely right.

We'll use The Bio-Harmonic Universal
Multi Module Emotional Re-Router.

It's in his trunk.

The BUMMER?

Stop right there.

Eleanor Draper.

Part of me is impressed you ruined
my party with simple physics.

The other part
will make you pay.

You're the one
who's going to pay.

You're not gonna make me, like,
fight that body, are you?

Relax, boss.
I've got this one.

Your party's over, Eleanor.

Now get your little nerd soul
out of my boss' body.

- I'm bigger than you are.
- True.

But you don't have
Sensei Ping's training.

Muscle memory, bitch.

Fight, fight!

Dubbie, use the three terrors!

Shut up!

Ouch!

Hey! You think you're some hero
beating on a girl?

Why don't you
take me on instead?

Uh...

Uh-oh.
Omega down.

Hey. You gotta get up. Your
boss is seriously freaking out.

Autopilot activated.

Now verify an identity.
Identity verified.

- What is your destination?
- Uh... What are my options?

Church, the Creamery, top secret
headquarters, the duck pond.

Top secret headquarters.

Get your filthy frat-boy paws
off my unconscious sister.

Dubbie, my body
is on its way to Ops.

Your body is gonna be on its way to jail
if you don't back it up off my sister.

- Eleanor is on her way to headquarters.
- Pan-Hellenic headquarters?

We have to stop her.
She could destroy the world.

We have to stop her. She could
get Omega's charter revoked.

Ida, Ida, please acknowledge.

I'm in the middle
of something.

Do not, I repeat, do not, let
our boss inside headquarters.

He's being possessed
by Eleanor.

I'm only going
to say this once.

Lay off the doobage.

Do you need anything else from me
before I leave for a nice evening

with my husband and children?

No. Leave me. Good night.

Listen to me.
That is not our boss.

No spit, Sherlock. The little mutant's in
Ops right now getting cozy with The HEYDAR.

I'd love to stop her but I can't very well give
the boss' body two in the eyeballs, now can I?

But I will take great pleasure
in knocking her down

with 80 CCs
of sleepy-time juice.

Thanks for the heads up.

I created a sophisticated
Quantum Processor

using only raw materials
from a public university.

Does it really surprise you
that I hacked into
your communication system?

It's over, Eleanor. 'Cause
guess what? You're trapped.

There's no way out of Ops
without passing Ida.

Then I guess
I won't be leaving Ops.

She's activating the panic room
function and overloading
the HEYDAR.

She's going to blow the place
to kingdom come.

That'll teach you
to mess with Eleanor Draper.

In five minutes this place
will be nothing but rubble.

And my soul will automatically
return to my body.

Too bad your boss' hunky flesh
has to be destroyed
for that to happen.

Ida? Ida, what's going on?

Eleanor cut us off!

It wasn't Eleanor
who silenced The Middlewatch.

Standard operating procedure
dictates that in case
of penetration...

If you have a point
I highly suggest you make it.

Ida ended your transmission.

She is engaging
emergency incursion protocol.

Emergency incursion protocol?

Right now she's crawling through
the air vents,
trying to stop her.

So, what do we do?

Shots?

I'm talking to him,
not you, Louis.

God?

We operate under
a communications blackout

until she successfully breaches

the internal section of the...

Dude. Slow down.

Something about Russia,
and Ida getting to his body

while we go the physics building
to reverse the quantum thingy.

What's a quantum thingy?

He says that might be Ida
on a secure line.

Is that your roommate
and Tyler again?

Lacey is dating Tyler?

I'm sorry. I didn't want you
to find out like this.

I've had about enough of this.
Give me your phone.

- Hey. What are you doing?
- If you won't deal with this...

Hi, Lacey. This is Alley.
I'm one of Wendy's sisters.

- Who?
- Omega Theta Nu sister.

Good lord!
Would you get off the phone?

Wendy is too nice to say
anything but I think you should
know she really likes Tyler.

- What?
- And if you were any friend
at all you'd back off.

But I asked Wendy.
She said...

- Let's go.
- Give me that.

Holy Wachowski Brothers.

How do I reverse it?

You have to trigger a total
protonic reversal by crossing...

- How?!
- Hit the red button.

- That's it?
- Do it!

Ida. It's me.

I'm not falling
for that one again.

Mutant.

Hello, ladies. Please step out
in an orderly fashion.

And if some of you need
a reassuring hug,
know that I'm here for you.

After careful consideration,
the sisters of Omega Theta Nu

have decided
not to offer you a bid.

Are you gonna shoot her?

That would be my preferred
method of clean-up.

Unfortunately, my boss says it
would be a waste to liquefy
a brain with so much potential.

You are gonna love it
in Greenland.

I'm sorry I punched you
in the face.

Your punches were spot on today.
Really spot on.

- But that's not
what I wanted...
- I know. I'm avoiding.

But for what it's worth
I'm sorry

about the whole Lacey/Tyler
thing. I know it sucks.

I only care
about her happiness.

But more than that,
I care about yours.

If you're carrying
an emotional burden...

It could interfere with the job
and jeopardize both our lives.

...I want to be there
to help you carry it.

Dubbie, you and I
are soldiers in arms.

Our lives are intertwined
in a way that generally
only happens in battle.

I think of you as a brother

and in return you should feel
comfortable speaking to me

as if I were
one of your woman friends.

Wow.

That analogy so did not go
where I thought it was going.

But I appreciate the sentiment.

Now here comes the
non-sentimental part.

Lay it on me.

Tyler is in your life now.

No, he's not.
He's in Lacey's.

And yours by association.

Tyler was a recruit
of this organization

and I'll admit his personal
involvement in your life
makes me nervous.

Your mission is to keep
a watchful eye on him.

If he ever shows signs
that his amnesia is lifting,
I need to know about it.

Now, I know
what I'm asking isn't easy.

But you can talk to
me about it any time.

No avoiding.
No work emergencies.

We're gonna sit down and talk
this out like
the well-adjusted mature adults

I know are in here somewhere.

- Tyler and I broke up.
- What? Lace, no.

He's such a great guy.

And I promise that
my personal feelings for him

won't deter me
from feigning enthusiasm
over your budding romance

or even keep me from serving
as your occasional third wheel
at The Vegan Palace.

You would do that for me?

Might have taken it too far
with the vegan thing.

But the other stuff...
You're my best friend.

I want you to be happy.

Then I guess it's a shame
I don't even have
any feelings for him.

- Is that a lie?
- You bet it is.

We're ridiculous.

That's just what maladjusted
yet intensely loyal friends
do for one another.

And for the record, Tyler and I
both decided it wasn't working.

There was just no spark.

You know?
Whereas you and him...

I mean, this guy is like
your extra-curricular activity
soulmate.

You think?

He couldn't stop talking
about you at dinner.

You might be one of my
top five favorite topics of
conversation but not on a date.

It's OK.

You remember that speech
you just gave me

about putting all your
personal feelings aside?

I don't remember all the words
but it was very lovely.

Just pretend
I'm saying that back to you.

I think you're amazing.

But I can't date Tyler.

For a lot of reasons.

Dub-Dub, if you don't
go get your man right now,

I swear this'll be the last
noble act of self-sacrifice
you ever see from me.

- I don't think the guy
you're looking for is home.
- I'm looking for you.

Then I'm sure he's not home.

Is that a Booty Chest bag?

Um... Don't judge me.

But after the whole vegan
experience I was in desperate
need of some animal.

- They do actually
have good wings.
- No judgment.

I also needed a place
to sit and clear my head.

- At a pirate-themed sports bar
with scantily-clad waitresses?
- You're judging.

All day long something
didn't feel quite right.

So I wanted to go back
to the scene of the crime.
See if it jogged some memories.

- And did it?
- I still don't remember
a damn thing.

But while I was mowing
on my wings I got to talking
to one of the busboys.

And it turns out
that while I was there

I didn't just meet
a waitress at The Booty Chest.

I also met a girl
pretending to be a waitress
at The Booty Chest.

- Oh yeah?
- It was you, wasn't it?

So you're Wendy
of the Smart Car.

Dub-Dub of 6B. And the imposter
of The Booty Chest.

I'm also the sorry sack
with the busted Hruck Bugbear.

We met twice that day.

You know those vague giddy
deja vu feelings I was having?

Yeah.

They're kinda
not-so-vague anymore.

Oh yeah?

- You're not a vegan, are you?
- No.

- Good. Because
I've got this bag of wings.
- I'm listening.

And I picked up a copy
of The Zombies of Mora Tau
on the way home.

If you like gore-free zombie
treasure protectors.

Someone told me
they make an excellent
zombie palate cleanser.

That someone
sounds pretty cool.

I think she might be.