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00:00:01,300 --> 00:00:03,267
Previously on The Middleman:
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00:00:03,334 --> 00:00:05,634
Excuse me, ma'am, but I'm going
to have to ask you to step aside.
3
00:00:07,834 --> 00:00:10,634
- The human.
- This weird temp agency called.
4
00:00:10,701 --> 00:00:13,334
The Jolly Fats
Weehauken Temp Agency?
5
00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:16,601
Is this the part I ask you who the hell
you are and what the hell you do?
6
00:00:16,667 --> 00:00:19,434
You know how in comic books
there's all kinds of mad scientists,
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00:00:19,501 --> 00:00:21,033
aliens and androids
and monsters
8
00:00:21,100 --> 00:00:23,567
and all of them want to either
destroy or take over the world?
9
00:00:23,634 --> 00:00:25,534
- In comic books, sure.
- It really does work like that.
10
00:00:25,601 --> 00:00:27,167
Don't you want
to fight evil?
11
00:00:27,234 --> 00:00:30,467
Monsters,
robots and aliens?
12
00:00:30,534 --> 00:00:32,834
- Yeah, why not?
- Dub-Dub, who's your boyfriend?
13
00:00:32,901 --> 00:00:35,534
He's not my boyfriend.
He's my boss.
14
00:00:35,601 --> 00:00:38,200
- Lacey Thornfield. Charmed.
- Delighted, ma'am.
15
00:00:38,267 --> 00:00:41,334
- I'm a conceptual artist.
- Some have said that about me, too.
16
00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:43,133
I heard you take care
of exotic problems.
17
00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:44,801
I'm just the middleman.
18
00:00:48,501 --> 00:00:51,400
No one is more firmly rooted on
the side of justice than I am.
19
00:00:51,467 --> 00:00:53,200
You might find this
hard to believe,
20
00:00:53,267 --> 00:00:57,334
but I too fight for the truth and
preservation of American values
21
00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:01,067
in a concerned citizen
kind of way.
22
00:01:01,133 --> 00:01:03,734
I'm just sayin', one
crime-hating gal to another.
23
00:01:05,067 --> 00:01:07,167
Can't we just make
these charges disappear?
24
00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:10,868
Your roommate was arrested for
indecent exposure
25
00:01:10,934 --> 00:01:14,534
- in a sushi restaurant.
- As a form of protest.
26
00:01:14,601 --> 00:01:17,667
It was like a free speech
thing, with skin.
27
00:01:17,734 --> 00:01:20,868
Oh, come on. Indecent exposure
is a misdemeanor.
28
00:01:20,934 --> 00:01:23,801
Her third one in
the past six months.
29
00:01:23,868 --> 00:01:26,901
Yo, Wendy Watson, I'm double parked.
Have you got the goods yet?
30
00:01:26,968 --> 00:01:29,634
I don't know.
Have I got the goods yet?
31
00:01:29,701 --> 00:01:31,467
Just sign.
32
00:01:31,534 --> 00:01:34,801
I'm releasing her to your care.
That makes you responsible.
33
00:01:34,868 --> 00:01:37,634
- You won't regret this.
- You might.
34
00:01:39,834 --> 00:01:42,234
Hey, guys!
Did you miss me?
35
00:01:42,300 --> 00:01:43,601
The sushi eaters
hear you roar?
36
00:01:43,667 --> 00:01:46,167
- They certainly know I am woman.
- Right on.
37
00:01:47,234 --> 00:01:48,801
Thanks for springing me,
Dub-Dub.
38
00:01:50,033 --> 00:01:52,033
Hey, why is there
no hugging back?
39
00:01:52,100 --> 00:01:55,501
There's hugging back. It's just
accompanied by exhaustion.
40
00:01:55,567 --> 00:01:57,801
And confusion.
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00:01:57,868 --> 00:02:01,234
- Indecent exposure at a sushi restaurant?
- Yep.
42
00:02:01,300 --> 00:02:04,067
Mercury in tuna kills humans
and sushi eaters kill fish,
43
00:02:04,133 --> 00:02:05,834
so no matter
where you serve it,
44
00:02:05,901 --> 00:02:08,400
how you serve it,
spicy tuna kills.
45
00:02:08,467 --> 00:02:10,567
Now connect the dots
to public nudity.
46
00:02:10,634 --> 00:02:12,434
Girl's got
to fight the power.
47
00:02:12,501 --> 00:02:14,634
Girl's gotta remember
she's not 18 anymore.
48
00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:16,033
This isn't
the campus police.
49
00:02:16,100 --> 00:02:18,167
I spent a couple of
hours in the slammer.
50
00:02:18,234 --> 00:02:20,634
Yeah, I dragged myself out of
bed to talk your way out.
51
00:02:20,701 --> 00:02:22,100
Wendy,
I'm a confrontational...
52
00:02:22,167 --> 00:02:24,634
Spoken word performance
artist. I know.
53
00:02:24,701 --> 00:02:26,767
I don't complain when you
stay up late to paint.
54
00:02:26,834 --> 00:02:29,834
Yeah, because when I paint,
you don't have to grease the cops.
55
00:02:29,901 --> 00:02:31,400
Maybe you should find
a better way
56
00:02:31,467 --> 00:02:33,934
to make a statement than
these pointless pranks.
57
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,734
Pointless?
58
00:02:35,801 --> 00:02:39,934
You have no idea what it takes
to save the world, Wendy Watson.
59
00:02:45,067 --> 00:02:47,000
Too harsh? Yeah.
60
00:03:32,234 --> 00:03:33,701
Find what you're looking for?
61
00:03:33,767 --> 00:03:37,067
If I needed to kill a man by
scrambling his molecular structure,
62
00:03:37,133 --> 00:03:40,267
yes, but since what I really want
is a cup of coffee...
63
00:03:40,334 --> 00:03:42,901
- Hmm.
- Hey!
64
00:03:42,968 --> 00:03:45,400
Bloodshot eyes,
fatigue, crankiness.
65
00:03:45,467 --> 00:03:47,567
Someone spent all night
sucking on a spliff.
66
00:03:47,634 --> 00:03:51,434
No. Somebody was up late bailing
your roomie out of the slammer.
67
00:03:51,501 --> 00:03:55,167
If that somebody was you, then that
makes Lacey the roommate in question.
68
00:03:55,234 --> 00:03:57,701
Gosh, Sparky, did your fancy
computer tell you that?
69
00:03:57,767 --> 00:03:59,934
- Is she OK?
- I don't know.
70
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:01,434
I wish I thought to ask.
71
00:04:01,501 --> 00:04:04,100
Instead I just
launched on some tirade
72
00:04:04,167 --> 00:04:06,567
about responsibility
and growing up.
73
00:04:06,634 --> 00:04:09,934
And if we're gonna get into this,
I really need a double black-eye.
74
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,067
Caffeine is a drug,
Dubbie.
75
00:04:12,133 --> 00:04:15,200
I'm holding the molecular
stun cannon.
76
00:04:15,267 --> 00:04:16,167
Ida.
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00:04:18,267 --> 00:04:19,400
Sweet.
78
00:04:19,467 --> 00:04:20,934
Can that thing do a muffin?
79
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,601
Oh, don't push
your luck, junkie.
80
00:04:23,667 --> 00:04:25,534
I like watching you
get the shakes.
81
00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:29,033
Lacey was just doing
her protest thing.
82
00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:30,868
Her heart's
in the right place,
83
00:04:30,934 --> 00:04:32,968
just... I wanted
to be supportive.
84
00:04:33,033 --> 00:04:37,400
But when I opened my mouth,
my mom came out.
85
00:04:37,467 --> 00:04:40,234
No, seriously. I might have even
said to buy a nice bag,
86
00:04:40,300 --> 00:04:42,467
high heels, a push-up bra
and get herself a man.
87
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,267
- She's from Miami.
- Ah.
88
00:04:47,467 --> 00:04:48,734
You'll make it up to her.
89
00:04:48,801 --> 00:04:50,601
Not unless we have
some alien weapon
90
00:04:50,667 --> 00:04:52,167
that shoots
the mercury off fish.
91
00:04:52,234 --> 00:04:55,834
I was thinking more of
a sparkly card or a makeover.
92
00:04:57,434 --> 00:05:00,033
Or we could use
our computers
93
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:01,567
to hack into
the police mainframe
94
00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:03,067
and erase
her permanent record.
95
00:05:03,133 --> 00:05:05,000
Katie-bar-the-door,
Dubbie.
96
00:05:05,067 --> 00:05:07,734
We do not use our resources
to solve personal issues.
97
00:05:07,801 --> 00:05:10,667
Oh, come on. I bet Ida's just
a doubleclick away
98
00:05:10,734 --> 00:05:12,601
from making her permanent
record go bye-bye.
99
00:05:12,667 --> 00:05:15,567
I'm a doubleclick away from
making something go bye-bye.
100
00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:19,100
Oh, come on, why not?
101
00:05:19,167 --> 00:05:21,834
Our mandate is to protect
the people from threats
102
00:05:21,901 --> 00:05:23,834
infra, extra,
and juxta-terrestrial,
103
00:05:23,901 --> 00:05:26,834
not to become consumed with the
mundane problems of everyday life.
104
00:05:26,901 --> 00:05:28,934
Just this one time?
105
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:31,467
You let yourself become distracted,
next thing you know
106
00:05:31,534 --> 00:05:34,501
a geological rift opens and the
city's overrun by three-toed hominids
107
00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:35,901
who battled man
for dominance
108
00:05:35,968 --> 00:05:38,467
while you've got your tighty-whiteys
around your ankles.
109
00:05:38,534 --> 00:05:40,033
That happened to you,
didn't it?
110
00:05:40,100 --> 00:05:41,667
Anybody want
to get to work here?
111
00:05:41,734 --> 00:05:43,968
'Cause we got hot donuts now.
112
00:05:44,033 --> 00:05:47,701
- Maybe you should sit this one out.
- What? Why?
113
00:05:47,767 --> 00:05:51,133
Underslept. Overcaffeinated.
Distracted.
114
00:05:52,501 --> 00:05:55,000
I'm as serious as a Hefty bag
full of rottweilers.
115
00:05:55,067 --> 00:05:57,467
A Middleman must remain
focused at all times.
116
00:05:57,534 --> 00:05:59,033
I said I'm good.
117
00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:00,834
Apparently there's been
a mudslide.
118
00:06:00,901 --> 00:06:03,067
What's so weird
about that?
119
00:06:03,133 --> 00:06:05,300
Inside a Chinese restaurant.
120
00:06:15,801 --> 00:06:17,667
I'm sorry, but this is
a sealed area.
121
00:06:17,734 --> 00:06:21,133
- We're waiting for the coroner.
- The coroner?
122
00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:22,467
Oh.
123
00:06:22,534 --> 00:06:25,033
I'm Dr. Kynes,
this is Dr. Rabban
124
00:06:25,100 --> 00:06:26,767
from the Ecological
Task Force.
125
00:06:26,834 --> 00:06:28,434
We think global
warming is to blame.
126
00:06:28,501 --> 00:06:32,501
- Al Gore just ain't whistling Dixie.
- No, sir, he isn't.
127
00:06:32,567 --> 00:06:35,734
- Were there any witnesses?
- Uh, just a busboy, he's in the back.
128
00:06:35,801 --> 00:06:38,234
Why don't you go get him while
we investigate the site?
129
00:06:38,300 --> 00:06:39,234
OK.
130
00:06:44,300 --> 00:06:46,100
So, when do I get
one of those?
131
00:06:46,167 --> 00:06:48,434
Try using your eyes.
See anything?
132
00:06:48,501 --> 00:06:50,767
Aside from
the half-buried corpse?
133
00:06:50,834 --> 00:06:52,334
Focus, Dubbie.
134
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:54,567
Don't let the 'feine
deaden your senses.
135
00:06:54,634 --> 00:06:55,934
The 'feine?
136
00:06:59,033 --> 00:07:02,801
Well, I see nothing.
137
00:07:02,868 --> 00:07:05,234
Which is something
because there should be a statue
138
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:07,534
of a terra cotta warrior
on this pedestal.
139
00:07:07,601 --> 00:07:09,367
Good. Make a note.
140
00:07:09,434 --> 00:07:12,133
I need Ida to tap CHAD for any
information on our warrior.
141
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:15,067
- CHAD?
- Chinese Historical Art Database.
142
00:07:15,133 --> 00:07:17,434
Or I could tell you
that our statue is a general
143
00:07:17,501 --> 00:07:21,100
in the terra cotta army commissioned
by the emperor of the Qin Dynasty
144
00:07:21,167 --> 00:07:22,868
and buried with him
in 209 BC.
145
00:07:22,934 --> 00:07:24,267
Color me impressed.
146
00:07:25,334 --> 00:07:26,767
Color me focused.
147
00:07:29,601 --> 00:07:31,300
I heard an awful sound,
148
00:07:31,367 --> 00:07:33,100
so I ran out from the kitchen
149
00:07:33,167 --> 00:07:35,968
and a huge wall of mud
just came out of nowhere,
150
00:07:36,033 --> 00:07:37,901
overrunning everything
in the place.
151
00:07:37,968 --> 00:07:39,567
And that's your boss?
152
00:07:39,634 --> 00:07:42,300
- Mr. Hsu.
- What can you tell us about him?
153
00:07:42,367 --> 00:07:44,000
He was your typical
small business owner.
154
00:07:44,067 --> 00:07:47,601
Driven, hard-working, freakish
obsession with that warrior statue.
155
00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:50,033
- Can you expand on that?
- Long hours.
156
00:07:50,100 --> 00:07:52,567
Impeccable work ethic. I
think it's a cultural thing.
157
00:07:52,634 --> 00:07:54,501
I meant the freakish
obsession.
158
00:07:54,567 --> 00:07:56,167
Oh. Well,
he mortgaged the place
159
00:07:56,234 --> 00:07:58,601
to bring the terra cotta
warrior over from China.
160
00:07:58,667 --> 00:08:01,234
Then he spent all hours
of the night burning candles
161
00:08:01,300 --> 00:08:03,300
- and chanting in Mandarin.
- What did he say?
162
00:08:03,367 --> 00:08:06,167
Dude, I'm like third
generation twice-removed.
163
00:08:06,234 --> 00:08:08,167
I don't speak
a lick of Chinese,
164
00:08:08,234 --> 00:08:10,767
but it sounded like
165
00:08:12,601 --> 00:08:15,167
"Rise, be flesh,
and walk the Earth. "
166
00:08:16,734 --> 00:08:18,868
Could global warming
make that happen?
167
00:08:18,934 --> 00:08:20,501
- Yes.
- Yes.
168
00:08:20,567 --> 00:08:22,701
What are your thoughts
on how to handle this?
169
00:08:22,767 --> 00:08:25,300
Are you quizzing me because
you think I'm not focused?
170
00:08:25,367 --> 00:08:28,534
I'm quizzing you because I have
no thoughts on how to handle this.
171
00:08:28,601 --> 00:08:32,033
You're at a loss?
That's a new one.
172
00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:34,367
You might find what I'm about
to tell you shocking,
173
00:08:34,434 --> 00:08:37,000
given my knowledge of aliens,
monsters and androids,
174
00:08:37,067 --> 00:08:39,334
but I do have
one area of weakness.
175
00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:42,567
- Brevity?
- Magic. The supernatural.
176
00:08:42,634 --> 00:08:45,033
The dark arts.
Things that go bump.
177
00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:46,801
Anathema.
178
00:08:46,868 --> 00:08:49,067
We'll need
to consult someone.
179
00:08:49,133 --> 00:08:51,200
- Who?
- Our consultant, of course.
180
00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:54,267
You are off today.
181
00:09:02,133 --> 00:09:05,133
Hate it, hate it, hate it.
182
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:08,133
It's a disaster of
unmitigated proportions.
183
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:10,067
They look like
the "Addicted to Love" girls.
184
00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:12,234
Roxy, this was
your concept.
185
00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:15,267
It stinks!
186
00:09:17,234 --> 00:09:18,901
All right, boss,
we'll tear it down.
187
00:09:20,167 --> 00:09:21,767
The devil actually
does wear Prada.
188
00:09:21,834 --> 00:09:24,267
That's no devil.
That's a succubus.
189
00:09:24,334 --> 00:09:26,834
You, get over to the hair, now!
To the models.
190
00:09:26,901 --> 00:09:29,634
You stay here with Trevor because
certainly he is incompetent.
191
00:09:31,167 --> 00:09:33,968
- Should I kill it?
- Stay your weapon, Dubbie.
192
00:09:34,033 --> 00:09:36,234
Roxy Wasserman
is completely reformed.
193
00:09:36,300 --> 00:09:39,267
Opened this place as a halfway
house for other reformed succubi.
194
00:09:39,334 --> 00:09:42,367
Gives them a chance to get out of
the killing field and onto their feet.
195
00:09:42,434 --> 00:09:45,133
This place is a halfway house
for soul-sucking demons
196
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:47,868
who sneak up on defenseless men
and seduce them in their sleep?
197
00:09:47,934 --> 00:09:49,968
Also a halfway house
for soul-sucking demons
198
00:09:50,033 --> 00:09:51,701
who sneak up on
defenseless women
199
00:09:51,767 --> 00:09:54,667
and seduce them in their sleep.
MM, darling, give me kisses.
200
00:09:57,501 --> 00:09:59,200
We're in a pantload
of trouble, Rox.
201
00:09:59,267 --> 00:10:01,801
It looks like you're wearing
Hitler's smoking jacket
202
00:10:01,868 --> 00:10:03,801
- and it looks even worse on a girl.
- I know!
203
00:10:03,868 --> 00:10:06,067
We didn't come for
the fashion advice.
204
00:10:06,133 --> 00:10:08,367
We're in need of supernatural
consultation.
205
00:10:08,434 --> 00:10:11,200
My normal fee?
Step into my office.
206
00:10:14,534 --> 00:10:17,267
A Chinese warrior,
you say.
207
00:10:17,334 --> 00:10:19,100
Trevor!
208
00:10:19,167 --> 00:10:21,567
I'm going to guess
it was a terra cotta warrior.
209
00:10:21,634 --> 00:10:24,734
Buried with the emperor
of the Qin Dynasty in 209.
210
00:10:24,801 --> 00:10:26,667
We already got that
from the placemat.
211
00:10:26,734 --> 00:10:29,534
If you knew anything at all you
wouldn't be standing in my office.
212
00:10:29,601 --> 00:10:32,501
You'd be running for the hills.
Trevor, come in and meet our guests.
213
00:10:32,567 --> 00:10:33,968
Watch your mouth
with this one.
214
00:10:34,033 --> 00:10:36,100
Trevor here is just
barely reformed.
215
00:10:36,167 --> 00:10:39,701
You know Trevor used to sneak
up on poor, unsuspecting women
216
00:10:39,767 --> 00:10:43,834
in their sleep and do unspeakable
things to them with his cold, icy...
217
00:10:43,901 --> 00:10:44,834
Hands.
218
00:10:46,300 --> 00:10:48,734
Thank you. What can
I do for you, Roxy?
219
00:10:48,801 --> 00:10:51,367
They have an Earth Elemental
on their hands.
220
00:10:51,434 --> 00:10:56,033
- Mmm, nasty.
- Start gathering the items listed on page 47.
221
00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:57,567
An Earth Elemental?
222
00:10:57,634 --> 00:10:59,501
A spirit that draws
its power from living earth.
223
00:10:59,567 --> 00:11:01,667
Can manipulate or control
anything made of earth.
224
00:11:01,734 --> 00:11:03,767
Hence your mudslide
inside a restaurant.
225
00:11:03,834 --> 00:11:05,801
So he's like
the Magneto of mud?
226
00:11:05,868 --> 00:11:08,000
Grapes of wrath, Dubbie.
Do you have any idea
227
00:11:08,067 --> 00:11:10,734
how much of the earth
is made up of... earth?
228
00:11:10,801 --> 00:11:12,968
Himself included.
He can take any form
229
00:11:13,033 --> 00:11:14,367
as long as it's
made of earth.
230
00:11:14,434 --> 00:11:16,267
And hide anywhere.
231
00:11:16,334 --> 00:11:18,400
Gobsmack it, this is
why I hate magic.
232
00:11:18,467 --> 00:11:20,000
Oh, don't make
such a fuss.
233
00:11:20,067 --> 00:11:21,834
Water beats earth, MM.
234
00:11:21,901 --> 00:11:23,701
I'll make you a vial
of aquatic banishment.
235
00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:26,033
You throw it at him and
poof! No more warrior.
236
00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:28,901
But the recipe is delicate.
I will need some time.
237
00:11:28,968 --> 00:11:32,000
So we just hang out here?
238
00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:35,334
No. You must stop the warrior
from completing its mission.
239
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:38,434
- Which is?
- Legend says the terra cotta warriors
240
00:11:38,501 --> 00:11:41,300
were created to have a fanatical
devotion to the emperor.
241
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:43,834
Believed the world would end with
the death of their liege.
242
00:11:43,901 --> 00:11:45,567
If this one truly
walks the earth,
243
00:11:45,634 --> 00:11:48,767
he will make it his mission to find
the last living heir to the Qin Dynasty
244
00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:51,033
- and take him to the land of the dead.
- That's it?
245
00:11:52,567 --> 00:11:54,501
Well, that doesn't
sound so scary.
246
00:11:54,567 --> 00:11:58,734
And release a hail of fire that will
rain down on Earth for a thousand years.
247
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:01,534
Oh.
248
00:12:01,601 --> 00:12:03,167
Aw, phooey.
249
00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:09,601
We get to your place, go inside
and pack a bag. I'll wait outside.
250
00:12:09,667 --> 00:12:11,067
Why do I need to pack a bag?
251
00:12:11,133 --> 00:12:12,300
- Look over there.
- What?
252
00:12:12,367 --> 00:12:14,100
Ow!
253
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:17,167
Those are your State Department-
recommended inoculations for China.
254
00:12:17,234 --> 00:12:19,901
A healthy dose of distraction
would help the medicine go down.
255
00:12:19,968 --> 00:12:22,067
- We're going to China?
- As soon as Ida gives us
256
00:12:22,133 --> 00:12:23,601
the coordinates
for the heir.
257
00:12:23,667 --> 00:12:25,667
Let's hope it takes Mudman
a good amount of time
258
00:12:25,734 --> 00:12:28,367
to figure out transcontinental
travel and passport control.
259
00:12:28,434 --> 00:12:31,133
Why can't the Chinese Middleman
just take over the case?
260
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,968
Don't be ridiculous.
China is a Communist country.
261
00:12:34,033 --> 00:12:36,467
A hero would be reduced
to the level of the common man.
262
00:12:36,534 --> 00:12:38,601
I'm the only Middleman,
and you're the only...
263
00:12:38,667 --> 00:12:41,067
- Sidekick?
- Right.
264
00:12:41,133 --> 00:12:43,501
Just you and me against
all the bad things out there.
265
00:12:43,567 --> 00:12:46,634
That's all that separates the planet
from a thousand years of fire.
266
00:12:46,701 --> 00:12:47,934
I hear you.
267
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,968
And keep an eye on yourself.
268
00:12:50,033 --> 00:12:54,133
The vaccinations may cause drowsiness,
paranoia, and atypically vivid daydreams.
269
00:12:55,667 --> 00:12:58,801
- Yo, Wendy Watson.
- Hey, Noser.
270
00:12:58,868 --> 00:13:00,901
What are you gonna do
with the light fandango?
271
00:13:00,968 --> 00:13:03,267
Not gonna let it distract
me from saving the world.
272
00:13:03,334 --> 00:13:05,100
Wanna do cartwheels
'cross the floor?
273
00:13:05,167 --> 00:13:06,901
Nope, I'm a guided missile
of purpose.
274
00:13:06,968 --> 00:13:09,133
That truth is plain to see.
275
00:13:11,300 --> 00:13:12,634
Oh, hang on.
She just walked in.
276
00:13:14,167 --> 00:13:15,400
It's your mom.
277
00:13:15,467 --> 00:13:18,567
And she agrees that tuna kills.
278
00:13:18,634 --> 00:13:21,234
Hey, Mom.
Can I call you later?
279
00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:25,300
Yes, Mother. It is shocking
how much mercury is in fish.
280
00:13:25,367 --> 00:13:28,634
You're right. It's very
important to get the message out.
281
00:13:28,701 --> 00:13:31,434
- Know where my puffy coat is?
- I borrowed it.
282
00:13:33,300 --> 00:13:36,334
Yes, I know I was cranky. Did she tell
you that I bailed her out at 3:00 AM?
283
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:37,801
I'm still in the room.
284
00:13:37,868 --> 00:13:39,968
After the longest day
at work ever.
285
00:13:40,033 --> 00:13:41,501
What's with the repo, man?
286
00:13:41,567 --> 00:13:44,801
I'm going out of town
for a few days.
287
00:13:44,868 --> 00:13:48,434
Hey, Mom. I gotta go. I'm doing
a job for Roxy Wasserman.
288
00:13:48,501 --> 00:13:52,968
And I sorta owe Lacey an apology for
last night so... OK, love you too.
289
00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:55,300
Are you serious?
290
00:13:56,467 --> 00:13:58,334
Yeah.
291
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:02,868
I was really tired last night and... I
probably should've been a little more patient-
292
00:14:02,934 --> 00:14:04,901
I mean about working
for Roxy Wasserman.
293
00:14:04,968 --> 00:14:07,701
Roxy Wasserman is single-handedly
keeping fur in style.
294
00:14:07,767 --> 00:14:10,601
Do you have any idea how many
animals die to make her clothes?
295
00:14:10,667 --> 00:14:14,734
I've got a good mind to march down there
right now and spray the place with fake blood.
296
00:14:14,801 --> 00:14:16,367
Lacey, no.
297
00:14:16,434 --> 00:14:19,834
Famouse is not the sort of place
where you want to commit a felony.
298
00:14:19,901 --> 00:14:23,901
Roxy Wasserman takes fashion
seriously, really seriously.
299
00:14:23,968 --> 00:14:27,734
And I take animals seriously.
really seriously.
300
00:14:27,801 --> 00:14:29,534
Please don't go down there.
301
00:14:29,601 --> 00:14:33,167
That place, it's...
it's not human.
302
00:14:33,234 --> 00:14:35,000
At least we agree on that.
303
00:14:36,868 --> 00:14:39,167
I don't know
how else to say this.
304
00:14:39,234 --> 00:14:41,534
Just don't.
I work with Roxy...
305
00:14:41,601 --> 00:14:44,901
Relax, Captain Day Job. I won't
tell anyone we're friends.
306
00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:46,901
I won't call you
from jail either.
307
00:14:46,968 --> 00:14:49,667
That's not what I mean,
Lacey.
308
00:14:49,734 --> 00:14:51,767
Wait.
309
00:14:59,434 --> 00:15:00,868
Everything she says is-
310
00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:03,734
Do you guys know
where the furs are?
311
00:15:03,801 --> 00:15:06,968
Hate it, hate it so much
I want to gouge my eyes out,
312
00:15:07,033 --> 00:15:09,067
hate it so much I want
to gouge your eyes out.
313
00:15:09,133 --> 00:15:10,734
Oh, good lord!
314
00:15:10,801 --> 00:15:14,701
I ask for modern. I ask
for hip and what do I get?
315
00:15:14,767 --> 00:15:18,100
What is this, exactly?
It's like somebody's nightmare.
316
00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:21,067
My label goes
on these rags, people.
317
00:15:21,133 --> 00:15:22,901
Tell me how to fix it!
318
00:15:22,968 --> 00:15:24,167
How about a fur coat?
319
00:15:24,234 --> 00:15:25,734
Who said that?
320
00:15:25,801 --> 00:15:27,400
Uh...
321
00:15:27,467 --> 00:15:28,801
What is your name?
322
00:15:28,868 --> 00:15:38,367
Um... Uh... Lacey Thornfield.
323
00:15:38,434 --> 00:15:40,300
You're adorable.
324
00:15:40,367 --> 00:15:44,300
Now tell me, do I look
like Margaret Thatcher?
325
00:15:44,367 --> 00:15:48,167
A fur coat at a summer shoot?
Shut your eyes! Shut them!
326
00:15:49,701 --> 00:15:52,167
Ignore every stupid thought
of conformity
327
00:15:52,234 --> 00:15:54,601
in that tiny little brain
of yours
328
00:15:54,667 --> 00:15:58,734
and I want you to visualize like as if your
life depends on your ability to accessorize.
329
00:15:58,801 --> 00:16:00,667
Don't think! Imagine.
330
00:16:00,734 --> 00:16:04,200
Pink tulle fairy skirt with rhinestone
embellished gold lam� waist belt
331
00:16:04,267 --> 00:16:06,334
and matching unicorn headdress?
332
00:16:07,534 --> 00:16:09,000
What did you say?
333
00:16:09,067 --> 00:16:10,200
I'm not sure, ma'am.
334
00:16:10,267 --> 00:16:12,367
Brilliant.
Absolutely transcendent.
335
00:16:12,434 --> 00:16:14,434
You're like Karl
Lagerfeld with breasts.
336
00:16:14,501 --> 00:16:18,834
You heard her, people. Fairy
Skirt and headdress! Go! Go!
337
00:16:21,467 --> 00:16:26,367
Lacey Thornfield, you just landed
yourself a new job as my assistant.
338
00:16:26,434 --> 00:16:28,467
But you already have
an assistant.
339
00:16:28,534 --> 00:16:31,501
Betty, you're fired!
340
00:16:31,567 --> 00:16:33,100
Stand by me, darling.
341
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:36,367
Not too close.
Back up. Yes.
342
00:16:36,434 --> 00:16:38,534
More horsey, more horsey.
343
00:16:38,601 --> 00:16:41,334
And tighter, tighter horsey.
There we are.
344
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:45,868
Come on, Lacey. Pick up. Pick up.
345
00:16:45,934 --> 00:16:47,534
- Pick up!
- Turn that thing off.
346
00:16:47,601 --> 00:16:50,767
There's no way my cell phone
interferes with that thing's frequency.
347
00:16:50,834 --> 00:16:52,667
I'm talking
about your mouth.
348
00:16:52,734 --> 00:16:55,934
Lay off, Threepio.
I've got a serious problem here.
349
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:58,534
We are in the middle of an
operation. How close are we?
350
00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:03,000
- Finishing the STORC search.
- Sperm Tracker Operations and Reconnaissance Commander.
351
00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:04,868
I'll have a location
in 40 seconds.
352
00:17:04,934 --> 00:17:08,234
Dubbie, you have 40 seconds
to talk this out. Go.
353
00:17:08,300 --> 00:17:13,234
Uh, well, Lacey's been mad at me
before, but she's never ignored my calls.
354
00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:15,467
I thought you solved
your female problems.
355
00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:19,033
I don't think female problems means
what you think it means, but no.
356
00:17:19,100 --> 00:17:20,868
Now, it's even worse.
357
00:17:20,934 --> 00:17:24,400
Because of me, Lacey went to Famouse
to sling fake blood at the fur line.
358
00:17:25,767 --> 00:17:27,400
You have to admire
her enthusiasm.
359
00:17:27,467 --> 00:17:30,300
It's not a joke.
She could get arrested.
360
00:17:30,367 --> 00:17:32,567
Again. Or worse.
361
00:17:32,634 --> 00:17:34,901
Those succubi
are completely reformed.
362
00:17:34,968 --> 00:17:37,567
As for the arresting, she's
an adult. She'll handle it.
363
00:17:37,634 --> 00:17:39,100
She's like half an adult.
364
00:17:39,167 --> 00:17:40,868
Hey! I've got an heir lock.
365
00:17:40,934 --> 00:17:42,734
You need to trust Lacey.
366
00:17:42,801 --> 00:17:44,467
Let me just try her
one more time.
367
00:17:44,534 --> 00:17:46,367
And right now,
I need to trust you.
368
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:50,834
His name's Duncan.
369
00:17:50,901 --> 00:17:55,400
The name of the heir
to the Qin Dynasty is... Duncan?
370
00:17:57,167 --> 00:17:59,834
So where's
the next Emperor to China?
371
00:18:05,901 --> 00:18:08,934
What is the heir to the Qin Dynasty
doing in a school in the suburbs?
372
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,200
Physical education
by the looks of his schedule.
373
00:18:11,267 --> 00:18:13,434
Can't believe you gave me
that shot for nothing.
374
00:18:13,501 --> 00:18:16,367
You're not experiencing side
effects, are you? Drowsiness?
375
00:18:16,434 --> 00:18:17,934
- Vivid daydreams?
- Annoyance?
376
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:21,968
Let's go find his majesty before
that Terracotta Warrior shows up.
377
00:18:22,033 --> 00:18:25,267
That mud-molding demon
could be anywhere.
378
00:18:25,334 --> 00:18:27,801
...fifty daffodils to Shaddam
at the House of Corrino
379
00:18:27,868 --> 00:18:30,367
and, oh, and I have people
working on a water elemental.
380
00:18:30,434 --> 00:18:31,801
Is that a fashion thing?
381
00:18:31,868 --> 00:18:34,033
Do I pay you
to ask questions?
382
00:18:34,100 --> 00:18:38,300
Supposed to get a drop of water from each of
the seven seas and a hair from a water buffalo.
383
00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:41,601
Go down there and find
out how far they've come.
384
00:18:41,667 --> 00:18:44,934
I already have the sea water
and hair of water buffalo.
385
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,501
Hair of water buffalo?
What kind of design is this?
386
00:18:47,567 --> 00:18:51,100
One that will prevent fire from
raining on earth for a thousand years.
387
00:18:51,167 --> 00:18:54,467
Someone thinks
a little too highly of her job.
388
00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:59,334
So all that remains is 30 bottles
of Tahiti Water. That's yours, Lacey.
389
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:02,167
Tahiti Water? That stuff
is terrible for the environment.
390
00:19:02,234 --> 00:19:05,667
It's the only water in the world
with the mineral content I need.
391
00:19:05,734 --> 00:19:08,133
Don't you care
about your carbon footprint?
392
00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:11,834
Is it like the footprint I'm going
to leave on your young, arrogant derriere
393
00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:13,667
if you don't do
exactly as I say?
394
00:19:16,501 --> 00:19:19,334
Why is she so mean?
395
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,133
See the way she looked at me?
I thought she was gonna kill me.
396
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,868
I doubt it. Roxy hasn't killed
since the early 80s.
397
00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:30,667
- I'm Lacey.
- Trevor.
398
00:19:30,734 --> 00:19:34,367
- You're different than the assistants Roxy usually hires.
- 'Cause I have a soul.
399
00:19:34,434 --> 00:19:35,934
Really?
400
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,567
Shocking. I know.
401
00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:40,801
I want this job for one reason. I
want to see where they keep the furs.
402
00:19:40,868 --> 00:19:44,000
- You like fur?
- I have a thing for fur.
403
00:19:44,067 --> 00:19:47,300
Make Roxy Wasserman happy and
you might just get your wish.
404
00:19:52,133 --> 00:19:54,534
Keep a watchful eye
for our Warrior.
405
00:19:54,601 --> 00:19:57,601
Yes. Because he can control
the very earth with his mind,
406
00:19:57,667 --> 00:20:00,901
and there's earth everywhere
on the Earth, I get it.
407
00:20:00,968 --> 00:20:03,767
You underestimate
the enemy at our peril.
408
00:20:03,834 --> 00:20:07,133
We're in a public school, there's
no earth here, just blacktop.
409
00:20:08,834 --> 00:20:12,834
Which one looks like the heir to
a royal dynasty from the far east?
410
00:20:12,901 --> 00:20:14,567
Allow me.
411
00:20:14,634 --> 00:20:18,767
Red rover, red rover,
send Duncan right over!
412
00:20:22,667 --> 00:20:24,334
He's the heir
to the Qin Dynasty?
413
00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:27,300
Hands Across America,
that's unexpected.
414
00:20:30,567 --> 00:20:32,234
Terracotta roof!
415
00:20:56,701 --> 00:21:00,067
OK, MM, I defer to you on
this one 'cause I got nothing.
416
00:21:03,934 --> 00:21:05,901
Duck and cover, Dubbie.
417
00:21:05,968 --> 00:21:09,100
Roxy said only the Vial of Aquatic
Banishment can kill this dude!
418
00:21:18,133 --> 00:21:20,167
You may want to come with us.
419
00:21:28,033 --> 00:21:31,334
There are just way too many
copies of Terminator out there.
420
00:21:35,567 --> 00:21:36,801
OK. Let's go!
421
00:21:38,534 --> 00:21:40,634
We don't have a lot of time.
I must be blunt.
422
00:21:40,701 --> 00:21:44,434
That warrior wants to serve you up as
a ritualistic sacrifice to the underworld
423
00:21:44,501 --> 00:21:46,567
because you're the heir
to the Qin Dynasty.
424
00:21:46,634 --> 00:21:49,767
We'll either be destroying the
Warrior with a supernatural weapon
425
00:21:49,834 --> 00:21:53,701
or delivering you to an international
safehouse where you'll assume a new identity.
426
00:21:53,767 --> 00:21:55,501
How are you
with foreign languages?
427
00:21:55,567 --> 00:21:58,968
That's our supernatural
consultant. Excuse me.
428
00:21:59,033 --> 00:22:03,067
Roxy? It's The Middleman. In a bit of a
sticky widget so let me get right to it.
429
00:22:03,133 --> 00:22:06,033
- Is he some kind of superhero?
- Something like that.
430
00:22:06,100 --> 00:22:07,901
And what are you?
431
00:22:07,968 --> 00:22:10,534
Ever hear of Robin
the Boy Wonder?
432
00:22:10,601 --> 00:22:12,501
He sucks.
433
00:22:12,567 --> 00:22:15,701
So you didn't know you're
the heir to the Qin Dynasty?
434
00:22:15,767 --> 00:22:20,601
Roxy just finished the Vial of Aquatic
Banishment. What's your address?
435
00:22:20,667 --> 00:22:22,434
Uh... 1965 Caladan Lane.
436
00:22:22,501 --> 00:22:26,334
You smoking terracotta? We can't take him
home. The Warrior will track him there.
437
00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:30,133
Elemental my dear Watson.
Right into our trap.
438
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:33,434
1965 Caladan Lane, Roxy.
And make it snappy.
439
00:22:33,501 --> 00:22:35,434
We can't let the Warrior
beat us there.
440
00:22:42,801 --> 00:22:45,300
What in the gosh darn heck?
441
00:22:49,934 --> 00:22:54,367
Can you give me
just one second?
442
00:22:58,834 --> 00:23:00,667
Lacey,
what are you doing here?
443
00:23:00,734 --> 00:23:02,367
Aren't you supposed
to be in China?
444
00:23:02,434 --> 00:23:05,234
We had a change of plans.
I've been trying to call you.
445
00:23:05,300 --> 00:23:08,501
Sorry. I've been too busy
to take personal calls.
446
00:23:08,567 --> 00:23:11,400
Roxy Wasserman hand picked me
to be her assistant.
447
00:23:11,467 --> 00:23:14,801
Apparently I'm Karl Lagerfield
with breasts.
448
00:23:14,868 --> 00:23:17,000
She sent me here
to deliver this bag.
449
00:23:17,067 --> 00:23:21,167
What? But you despise Roxy Wasserman
and everything she stands for.
450
00:23:21,234 --> 00:23:23,300
I thought you'd
be glad I got a job.
451
00:23:23,367 --> 00:23:24,868
You're the one
that told me to grow up.
452
00:23:24,934 --> 00:23:26,000
Hello, Lacey.
453
00:23:28,767 --> 00:23:30,367
Hi, Wendy's boss.
454
00:23:30,434 --> 00:23:32,067
You have something for me.
455
00:23:32,133 --> 00:23:33,734
This is for you?
456
00:23:33,801 --> 00:23:37,100
Ah, my toner, wonderful. You can
never be too kind to your skin.
457
00:23:37,167 --> 00:23:41,400
It is, after all, the largest and
most sensitive of the body's organs.
458
00:23:41,467 --> 00:23:44,801
I got the Tahiti Water
for it myself.
459
00:23:44,868 --> 00:23:49,067
Tahiti Water? You have fundamental
issues with bottled water.
460
00:23:49,133 --> 00:23:51,000
My skin thanks you kindly,
Lacey.
461
00:23:51,067 --> 00:23:54,367
As do I. I hate to delay you
any longer, Lacey.
462
00:23:54,434 --> 00:23:58,634
I'm sure Ms. Wasserman must be
eager to get you back at the office.
463
00:23:58,701 --> 00:24:02,234
Right. Job. Right.
464
00:24:02,300 --> 00:24:03,667
Bye bye, Wendy's boss.
465
00:24:07,234 --> 00:24:08,434
They took her soul.
466
00:24:08,501 --> 00:24:10,567
I told you,
those succubi are...
467
00:24:10,634 --> 00:24:12,968
Her metaphorical soul.
468
00:24:13,033 --> 00:24:14,968
what is she doing working
for a furmonger?
469
00:24:15,033 --> 00:24:17,734
This development is upsetting
but I must remind you to...
470
00:24:17,801 --> 00:24:22,067
Delay any emotional reaction until we've
safely delivered the Earth from peril.
471
00:24:22,133 --> 00:24:23,968
I got it without the lecture.
472
00:24:24,033 --> 00:24:27,300
I'll grab the heir.
473
00:24:27,367 --> 00:24:31,934
You think our son is the heir to
an ancient line of Chinese rulers?
474
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:35,400
And is currently being hunted by a
military Zealot born of clay made flesh
475
00:24:35,467 --> 00:24:37,667
and bent on taking him
to the Underworld, yes.
476
00:24:37,734 --> 00:24:40,567
There's obviously been
a huge mistake.
477
00:24:40,634 --> 00:24:45,100
That thing came after me, Dad. It would have
killed me if this guy didn't go T-2 on his ass.
478
00:24:45,167 --> 00:24:47,367
Don't say "ass"
in front of company.
479
00:24:47,434 --> 00:24:50,834
Say "ass" all you want, Duncan.
Our company was just leaving.
480
00:24:50,901 --> 00:24:54,000
Honey, maybe we should listen
to what they have to say.
481
00:24:54,067 --> 00:24:56,767
But this is insane.
Isn't it?
482
00:24:59,601 --> 00:25:01,968
Jessica?
483
00:25:02,033 --> 00:25:06,501
Duncan, you know how Mommy sometimes
takes long international business trips?
484
00:25:06,567 --> 00:25:08,167
Yeah.
485
00:25:08,234 --> 00:25:10,100
Well, sometimes
Mommy gets lonely.
486
00:25:10,167 --> 00:25:13,567
And one time she drank
a lot of plum wine
487
00:25:13,634 --> 00:25:15,501
during her trip to Shanghai.
488
00:25:15,567 --> 00:25:18,133
Oh, no she didn't.
489
00:25:19,701 --> 00:25:22,234
Tell me she didn't.
490
00:25:22,300 --> 00:25:26,167
Sometimes her husband forgets
how to make her feel attractive.
491
00:25:28,868 --> 00:25:30,400
Now that we've settled
the boy's lineage,
492
00:25:30,467 --> 00:25:34,067
let's move on to more
pressing matters.
493
00:25:34,133 --> 00:25:36,100
The Boy Scouts called. they want their
family counseling Merit Badge back.
494
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:40,300
Would you excuse me?
495
00:25:41,534 --> 00:25:44,100
Dad? I'm being hunted!
496
00:25:44,167 --> 00:25:47,367
I am gonna
need so much therapy.
497
00:25:48,667 --> 00:25:53,801
Hey. I know this Dad stuff
is a lot to handle.
498
00:25:53,868 --> 00:25:55,968
Is that your job?
To talk me down?
499
00:25:56,033 --> 00:25:58,334
Well, I understand
where you're coming from.
500
00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:01,601
My Dad disappeared
when I was 14.
501
00:26:01,667 --> 00:26:04,834
I don't know if he abandoned me
or if he's dead.
502
00:26:04,901 --> 00:26:07,367
- That sucks.
- Totally.
503
00:26:07,434 --> 00:26:11,367
But I get what it's like to have
a lot of questions about your Dad.
504
00:26:11,434 --> 00:26:13,400
I'm gonna make sure
you live to get yours answered.
505
00:26:25,367 --> 00:26:27,267
He's just ordered us
to give him the heir.
506
00:26:31,567 --> 00:26:34,200
- I told him it's not going to happen.
- Just throw it.
507
00:26:40,667 --> 00:26:42,901
Ashes to ashes and dirt to dirt.
508
00:26:47,667 --> 00:26:49,601
Shouldn't he be melting
or something?
509
00:26:51,434 --> 00:26:54,801
It'll be a cold day in hell before I
destroy the Earth with bottled water.
510
00:26:54,868 --> 00:26:56,868
Like anyone's gonna
know the difference.
511
00:26:58,734 --> 00:27:01,334
I just had an
atypically vivid daydream.
512
00:27:06,701 --> 00:27:09,067
Duncan! Duncan!
513
00:27:09,133 --> 00:27:12,033
Where's our son?
514
00:27:28,968 --> 00:27:32,534
Roxy Wasserman. MM, darling,
how much do you love me?
515
00:27:32,601 --> 00:27:34,200
Did you get a direct hit?
516
00:27:34,267 --> 00:27:36,934
Did the Terracotta Warrior
die magnificently?
517
00:27:39,467 --> 00:27:42,467
What? Where are you now?
518
00:27:42,534 --> 00:27:48,133
On our way. Should be there in...
one minute 54 seconds, give or take.
519
00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:50,501
Garbage truck!
520
00:27:50,567 --> 00:27:54,067
Seatbelt please. The life
you save may be your own.
521
00:27:54,133 --> 00:27:57,634
Yes, Roxy, I'm looking forward
to seeing you too.
522
00:27:57,701 --> 00:28:01,100
OK, buh bye.
523
00:28:01,167 --> 00:28:06,167
"Buh bye?" A boy taken from his parents and a
thousand years of fire and that's all you got?
524
00:28:06,234 --> 00:28:10,567
I see no need to forgo simple courtesy,
and it doesn't seem to be raining fire yet.
525
00:28:10,634 --> 00:28:14,634
One of those rare times I'm thankful the
road to the underworld is long, burdensome.
526
00:28:14,701 --> 00:28:16,567
Does she know
it's Lacey's fault?
527
00:28:16,634 --> 00:28:18,167
Now is not the time
to cast blame.
528
00:28:18,234 --> 00:28:20,567
It's not even Lacey's fault.
It's mine.
529
00:28:20,634 --> 00:28:24,567
For driving her into that den
of fur, succubus, and anorexia.
530
00:28:24,634 --> 00:28:27,901
We can talk about it after we've
liberated the world from certain doom.
531
00:28:27,968 --> 00:28:29,300
- Stop doing that.
- What?
532
00:28:29,367 --> 00:28:31,367
"Don't talk
until the world is undoomed.
533
00:28:31,434 --> 00:28:34,400
You can't cry until you've reached
the international safehouse.
534
00:28:34,467 --> 00:28:36,634
You have 40 seconds
to save your friendship. "
535
00:28:36,701 --> 00:28:38,567
- These rules exist for a reason.
- Why?
536
00:28:38,634 --> 00:28:41,267
I don't have time
to explain right now.
537
00:28:44,167 --> 00:28:48,767
Everything's under control, darlings. We're
whipping up a new Vial of Aquatic Banishment.
538
00:28:48,834 --> 00:28:52,901
It was all the fault of that vapid
and useless new assistant of mine.
539
00:28:52,968 --> 00:28:55,501
Hey. That's my roommate
you're talking about.
540
00:28:56,868 --> 00:28:58,334
Wait. Where is she?
541
00:28:58,400 --> 00:28:59,868
Gone.
542
00:28:59,934 --> 00:29:02,767
Good. Wait. Gone where?
You didn't...?
543
00:29:02,834 --> 00:29:04,367
She's been dealt with.
544
00:29:04,434 --> 00:29:05,467
Define "dealt with. "
545
00:29:06,901 --> 00:29:08,567
Wendy. Roxy would never...
546
00:29:08,634 --> 00:29:10,467
I said "define dealt with. "
547
00:29:11,534 --> 00:29:13,901
Your sidekicks's
got spunk, MM.
548
00:29:13,968 --> 00:29:16,133
Relax, sidekick.
549
00:29:16,200 --> 00:29:21,234
I fired her. See, everyone's a
winner. Shall we get to business?
550
00:29:26,667 --> 00:29:30,234
The Warrior will take the old road to
the underworld. It's long and inefficient.
551
00:29:30,300 --> 00:29:33,234
Stupid ancients and their
mistrust of modern technology.
552
00:29:33,300 --> 00:29:35,234
Still time
to cut him off on the road?
553
00:29:35,300 --> 00:29:38,934
If you're up for battling unspeakable
horrors that no mortal has ever survived,
554
00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:40,901
then by all means,
cut him off on the road.
555
00:29:40,968 --> 00:29:44,100
You should hold all questions
until the end of the demonstration.
556
00:29:44,167 --> 00:29:47,267
The new route was created this
century. It's modern, comfortable,
557
00:29:47,334 --> 00:29:49,968
and most important... direct.
558
00:29:50,033 --> 00:29:51,200
- Then that means...
- Yes.
559
00:29:51,267 --> 00:29:52,868
- Means what?
- You know the danger.
560
00:29:52,934 --> 00:29:54,968
- It has to be done.
- What has to be done?
561
00:29:55,033 --> 00:29:57,300
Your sidekick will be a
hindrance. You must go alone.
562
00:29:57,367 --> 00:29:58,634
- Go where?
- I can't go alone.
563
00:29:58,701 --> 00:30:00,968
Somebody has to hold
the Vial of Aquatic Banishment.
564
00:30:01,033 --> 00:30:03,033
Yes. Your hands will be full
with the Scythe.
565
00:30:03,100 --> 00:30:04,501
What Scythe?
566
00:30:04,567 --> 00:30:07,133
- The Scythe of Muadru.
- That's the question you answer?
567
00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:09,667
She can handle it.
I have the utmost faith in her.
568
00:30:09,734 --> 00:30:12,400
- She's like her roommate.
- I take that as a compliment.
569
00:30:12,467 --> 00:30:14,334
- Vapid and useless.
- Am not.
570
00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:16,033
See? There.
It's settled.
571
00:30:16,100 --> 00:30:18,300
- She's going.
- Going where?!
572
00:30:18,367 --> 00:30:20,400
All Succubi report
to your stations.
573
00:30:20,467 --> 00:30:22,868
We're opening the door
to the underworld.
574
00:30:29,234 --> 00:30:32,434
Lacey! Lacey!
Wait! Are you OK?
575
00:30:32,501 --> 00:30:37,200
I can't believe Roxy Wasserman canned
me for trying to save the environment.
576
00:30:37,267 --> 00:30:38,434
It's her loss.
577
00:30:38,501 --> 00:30:39,934
I'm so mad at myself!
578
00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:42,400
Why'd I have to pull
that stunt with the water?
579
00:30:42,467 --> 00:30:44,267
So much I wanted
to accomplish here.
580
00:30:44,334 --> 00:30:46,000
Anything I can do
to cheer you up?
581
00:30:46,067 --> 00:30:47,467
No.
582
00:30:49,267 --> 00:30:51,033
I need my Dub Dub.
583
00:30:51,100 --> 00:30:52,501
What's that?
584
00:30:52,567 --> 00:30:54,868
It's my best friend.
585
00:30:54,934 --> 00:30:58,234
Who I'm sort of
fighting with right now.
586
00:30:58,300 --> 00:31:02,634
She's kind of always there to
bail me out. Sometimes literally.
587
00:31:02,701 --> 00:31:04,567
Are you sure
there's nothing I can do?
588
00:31:09,334 --> 00:31:14,300
Actually, I can think of one thing that
would make me feel a whole lot better.
589
00:31:22,100 --> 00:31:25,634
The Scythe of Muadru allows the
living to navigate the Underworld.
590
00:31:25,701 --> 00:31:28,467
If I let go for a second, we'll
be stuck there for eternity.
591
00:31:28,534 --> 00:31:30,234
Which is why your job
is so important.
592
00:31:30,300 --> 00:31:33,467
Hold the little girly bottle.
Hand it to you when you need it.
593
00:31:33,534 --> 00:31:35,200
I got it
the first three times.
594
00:31:35,267 --> 00:31:38,901
My redundancy is only a reflection
of the importance of this assignment.
595
00:31:38,968 --> 00:31:40,767
The Underworld is
full of temptations,
596
00:31:40,834 --> 00:31:44,868
personal and emotional enticements
that would tax the strongest of mortals.
597
00:31:44,934 --> 00:31:46,434
You think
I can't handle it?
598
00:31:46,501 --> 00:31:49,234
- I think...
- I know what you think. Been hearing it all day.
599
00:31:49,300 --> 00:31:52,167
"Saving the world
requires focus. "
600
00:31:52,234 --> 00:31:54,734
Look, I'm a multitasker.
601
00:31:54,801 --> 00:31:58,434
Ability to defeat evil and deal
with emo at the same time.
602
00:31:58,501 --> 00:32:00,067
It's like my superpower.
603
00:32:00,133 --> 00:32:03,467
Personally, I've never had emo
that didn't interfere with the job.
604
00:32:03,534 --> 00:32:05,534
I find that hard to believe.
605
00:32:05,601 --> 00:32:07,934
I mean,
that you've ever had emo.
606
00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:10,267
Ann Arbor High School, 1991.
607
00:32:10,334 --> 00:32:14,100
Oh, jeez. Way to reach
for a recent example.
608
00:32:14,167 --> 00:32:16,567
Fred Butler was a quarterback
with a bright future.
609
00:32:16,634 --> 00:32:20,167
Big Ten scouts were coming to watch him
play. He was running a play against Adrian.
610
00:32:20,234 --> 00:32:21,701
Game was in the bag.
611
00:32:21,767 --> 00:32:24,200
One of his line men couldn't
wait to run off the field.
612
00:32:24,267 --> 00:32:25,767
That was you, right?
613
00:32:25,834 --> 00:32:27,634
I had a gal cheering
for me in the stands.
614
00:32:27,701 --> 00:32:29,534
Before the game
she'd given me a mix tape.
615
00:32:29,601 --> 00:32:31,067
Is "mix tape"
a euphemism for...
616
00:32:31,133 --> 00:32:34,067
No. The play was called,
the ball was snapped.
617
00:32:34,133 --> 00:32:36,300
All I could think about was
that Bryan Adams song,
618
00:32:36,367 --> 00:32:38,834
how much I loved the girl
who'd given me that tape.
619
00:32:38,901 --> 00:32:41,434
That's, uh...
kinda sweet I guess.
620
00:32:41,501 --> 00:32:43,133
No, Dubbie.
It was pathetic.
621
00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:44,934
Your words. Not mine.
622
00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:47,334
Fred was my man and I was
supposed to have his back.
623
00:32:47,400 --> 00:32:51,400
But instead, I'm whistling that
stupid song from Robin Hood.
624
00:32:51,467 --> 00:32:56,167
The next thing I heard was the sickening
wet crunch when his knee hit the turf.
625
00:32:56,234 --> 00:33:00,767
Fred had three operations before we graduated
high school, but he never played again.
626
00:33:00,834 --> 00:33:02,834
You can't be sure
that was your fault.
627
00:33:02,901 --> 00:33:04,934
No. But I am sure
I could have prevented it.
628
00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:08,200
Life sometimes scatters you.
It happens.
629
00:33:08,267 --> 00:33:10,200
Not since then.
And not for us.
630
00:33:10,267 --> 00:33:12,367
I will always give you
100 percent.
631
00:33:12,434 --> 00:33:14,534
I hope I can expect the same
in return.
632
00:33:15,834 --> 00:33:18,467
The Underworld awaits.
633
00:33:22,467 --> 00:33:25,801
Powers of the world beneath,
spirits of the dead,
634
00:33:25,868 --> 00:33:27,434
powers of the planes beyond,
635
00:33:27,501 --> 00:33:31,467
spirits of the restless, grant
us passage through your realms!
636
00:33:31,534 --> 00:33:33,968
Grant us strength
in our journey!
637
00:33:34,033 --> 00:33:37,000
grant us courage
in this travail,
638
00:33:37,067 --> 00:33:39,467
grant us speed
in our crossing,
639
00:33:39,534 --> 00:33:41,467
grant us fortune in our quest.
640
00:33:43,567 --> 00:33:45,467
Open the door!
641
00:33:47,334 --> 00:33:52,868
Open the door!
642
00:34:00,934 --> 00:34:03,133
This is the underworld?
643
00:34:04,734 --> 00:34:06,701
Horrifying, isn't it?
644
00:34:12,234 --> 00:34:14,367
So all those temp jobs
really were hell on earth.
645
00:34:14,434 --> 00:34:15,801
What do you mean?
646
00:34:15,868 --> 00:34:17,968
It was a joke.
647
00:34:18,033 --> 00:34:20,501
You know, because this is
supposed to be the Underworld
648
00:34:20,567 --> 00:34:23,767
but instead, it looks just like
a boring old office building.
649
00:34:23,834 --> 00:34:27,334
Sands of Zanzibar!
You see an office building?
650
00:34:27,400 --> 00:34:29,167
Yeah. You don't?
651
00:34:29,234 --> 00:34:31,701
I see a field. Wild.
652
00:34:31,767 --> 00:34:33,901
Overgrown. Barbaric.
653
00:34:33,968 --> 00:34:36,901
Look over there.
A feral rabbit.
654
00:34:36,968 --> 00:34:38,033
Seriously?
655
00:34:38,100 --> 00:34:41,133
No. I see an office building.
656
00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:44,300
Wow. Somebody's funny
in the Underworld.
657
00:34:46,200 --> 00:34:48,300
- Which way?
- I'm not sure.
658
00:34:48,367 --> 00:34:50,868
We'll have to ask
at the information desk.
659
00:34:56,033 --> 00:34:57,701
What's in all those files?
660
00:34:57,767 --> 00:34:59,601
- Heard of The Book of The Dead?
- Sure.
661
00:34:59,667 --> 00:35:01,267
That was version 1.0.
662
00:35:01,334 --> 00:35:04,334
Now the dead are catalogued in
a proprietary system of files.
663
00:35:04,400 --> 00:35:07,033
Much like our own
Dewey Decimal System.
664
00:35:07,100 --> 00:35:10,501
There's a record
of everyone who's ever died?
665
00:35:10,567 --> 00:35:13,634
For being an infinitely massive
vale of shadows and mystery,
666
00:35:13,701 --> 00:35:15,701
this place is surprisingly
well-organized.
667
00:35:18,200 --> 00:35:21,601
Dangnabit. Service down here
has gone to pot.
668
00:35:27,133 --> 00:35:28,400
Have you been helped?
669
00:35:30,300 --> 00:35:33,267
- Oh, you're alive.
- Yes. And hoping to stay that way.
670
00:35:33,334 --> 00:35:36,100
We're looking for a Terracotta
Warrior and his boy hostage.
671
00:35:36,167 --> 00:35:37,400
I hate the living.
672
00:35:37,467 --> 00:35:39,901
And we'll be skedaddling
out of your way posthaste
673
00:35:39,968 --> 00:35:43,767
but not until we resolve some unfinished
business with our warrior friend.
674
00:35:43,834 --> 00:35:46,901
You just missed him.
Thousand Years of Fire Room.
675
00:35:46,968 --> 00:35:49,434
Guns of Navarone!
How did he beat us here?
676
00:35:49,501 --> 00:35:52,434
Upstairs. End of the hall.
677
00:35:52,501 --> 00:35:54,033
Better hurry.
678
00:35:54,100 --> 00:35:56,400
Let's roll, Dubbie.
679
00:36:02,534 --> 00:36:04,267
I need you to look
someone up for me.
680
00:36:15,868 --> 00:36:18,367
His name is Peter Watson.
My Dad.
681
00:36:18,434 --> 00:36:21,601
Peter Watson?
Sure. Piece of cake.
682
00:36:21,667 --> 00:36:24,501
Or maybe you'd like me
to find a specific Joe Smith.
683
00:36:24,567 --> 00:36:26,200
That's not at all
inconvenient.
684
00:36:31,467 --> 00:36:34,567
I know Watson is
an annoyingly common name.
685
00:36:34,634 --> 00:36:37,868
OK, believe me. It's my cross
to bear too. But please.
686
00:36:37,934 --> 00:36:40,167
Look, I know you're dead.
687
00:36:40,234 --> 00:36:42,734
Or something, so you probably
don't even have emotions.
688
00:36:42,801 --> 00:36:45,000
But please try to understand.
689
00:36:45,067 --> 00:36:46,901
I was 14
when my father disappeared.
690
00:36:46,968 --> 00:36:52,033
I've spent my entire life
wondering if he's still alive.
691
00:36:52,100 --> 00:36:54,934
This is my Holy Grail.
692
00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:56,868
This is my Rosebud.
This is...
693
00:36:56,934 --> 00:36:59,334
Not working on me, hon.
694
00:37:03,567 --> 00:37:06,501
Oh.
695
00:37:07,567 --> 00:37:09,100
Can't kill the dead, can I?
696
00:37:09,167 --> 00:37:12,501
No. But you're funny.
697
00:37:14,067 --> 00:37:16,434
Oh, what the hell.
What was the name again?
698
00:37:16,501 --> 00:37:17,701
Peter Watson.
699
00:37:26,334 --> 00:37:28,200
Was he by any chance
with the Luftwaffe?
700
00:37:28,267 --> 00:37:33,067
No. Uh, he flew a DC-3.
Fixed wing. American.
701
00:37:34,000 --> 00:37:34,934
OK.
702
00:37:54,367 --> 00:37:57,367
Dubbie! Now! The Vial!
703
00:37:57,434 --> 00:37:59,300
Dubbie?
704
00:37:59,367 --> 00:38:02,300
OK, here we go.
705
00:38:02,367 --> 00:38:05,200
- You found it?
- I found the right year. I'm close.
706
00:38:05,267 --> 00:38:06,868
Wendy!
707
00:38:08,467 --> 00:38:09,634
Wendy!
708
00:38:15,267 --> 00:38:17,200
Wendy!
709
00:38:17,267 --> 00:38:19,701
I think I found your answer.
710
00:38:20,801 --> 00:38:22,367
Where the hell did she go?
711
00:38:22,434 --> 00:38:24,834
Watson, I need you!
712
00:38:24,901 --> 00:38:26,901
- I'm sorry. I was...
- Let's go! Move!
713
00:38:33,868 --> 00:38:35,701
Come on!
714
00:38:41,033 --> 00:38:43,300
Don't look back!
715
00:38:43,367 --> 00:38:45,033
Dubbie!
716
00:38:45,100 --> 00:38:47,601
Dubbie now! Come on!
717
00:38:53,868 --> 00:38:55,100
Throw it!
718
00:39:02,033 --> 00:39:03,534
She's gonna blow!
719
00:39:28,567 --> 00:39:30,801
I don't know about you,
but I need some chocolate.
720
00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:38,467
I said chocolate, people!
The good kind.
721
00:39:41,400 --> 00:39:43,901
- I want my dad.
- I hear ya.
722
00:39:53,267 --> 00:39:54,934
- So.
- Yeah.
723
00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:57,434
Do we need to post-mortem?
724
00:39:57,501 --> 00:39:59,501
It may have an unfortunate
double meaning
725
00:39:59,567 --> 00:40:03,033
but I assure you I mean it solely
in the recap sense of the word.
726
00:40:03,100 --> 00:40:06,167
You were right. I let
personal stuff get in the way.
727
00:40:06,234 --> 00:40:10,067
Wendy, it's one thing to set
aside a fight with your roommate,
728
00:40:10,133 --> 00:40:13,701
but some things walk
beside you your whole life.
729
00:40:13,767 --> 00:40:15,601
The world could have ended.
730
00:40:15,667 --> 00:40:18,834
But it didn't. You came through in
the end. That's all that matters.
731
00:40:22,267 --> 00:40:23,734
So what now?
732
00:40:23,801 --> 00:40:25,834
It looks like we have
all the time in the world
733
00:40:25,901 --> 00:40:28,567
if you'd like to have some kind
of emotional breakdown.
734
00:40:28,634 --> 00:40:31,133
Kinda numb right now.
735
00:40:31,200 --> 00:40:33,767
But I appreciate the offer.
736
00:40:33,834 --> 00:40:38,601
You know,
all this Middleman stuff.
737
00:40:39,801 --> 00:40:41,734
I think my dad
would have been proud.
738
00:40:45,667 --> 00:40:47,701
Maybe he still is.
739
00:40:52,234 --> 00:40:54,534
I didn't think I'd hear myself
say this, Trevor,
740
00:40:54,601 --> 00:40:56,667
but I really love these furs.
741
00:40:56,734 --> 00:40:59,300
It's just so great
we're getting to keep so many.
742
00:40:59,367 --> 00:41:02,200
Thanks for helping me carry
them out. I don't know how...
743
00:41:02,267 --> 00:41:04,834
He sucked her soul out!
Son of a bitch!
744
00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:09,868
Wendy? What are you doing?
745
00:41:11,033 --> 00:41:13,267
Uh... I got these for you.
746
00:41:13,334 --> 00:41:15,234
To apologize.
747
00:41:15,300 --> 00:41:20,167
And to tell you how much
I admire your soul.
748
00:41:22,334 --> 00:41:24,467
Maybe I should
give you girls a minute.
749
00:41:28,434 --> 00:41:29,534
Are those really for me?
750
00:41:29,601 --> 00:41:31,968
Uh, No.
751
00:41:32,033 --> 00:41:34,534
They were kinda sorta
to smash Trevor over the head
752
00:41:34,601 --> 00:41:38,667
for luring you into
a soulless life of fur-wearing
753
00:41:38,734 --> 00:41:41,100
because that's totally not
who you are in any way.
754
00:41:41,167 --> 00:41:42,634
You'd do that for me?
755
00:41:42,701 --> 00:41:44,100
I am your best friend.
756
00:41:45,334 --> 00:41:47,367
A girl could go to prison
for braining a guy.
757
00:41:47,434 --> 00:41:50,200
I know, I just get so mad
758
00:41:50,267 --> 00:41:53,701
when I see people doing the wrong
thing I have to take a stand.
759
00:41:53,767 --> 00:41:56,334
I just wish my best friend
would understand that.
760
00:41:58,300 --> 00:42:00,667
That's why I love you.
761
00:42:02,367 --> 00:42:03,834
Ladies.
762
00:42:03,901 --> 00:42:05,467
OK.
763
00:42:05,534 --> 00:42:08,133
Why are homeless men
walking around in mink?
764
00:42:09,367 --> 00:42:11,701
I have to
show you something.
765
00:42:11,767 --> 00:42:13,567
When Roxy Wasserman
offered me this job,
766
00:42:13,634 --> 00:42:16,267
I figured all I had to do
was hang in there long enough
767
00:42:16,334 --> 00:42:18,834
to get to the fur room and go
all Carrie Prom Night II.
768
00:42:18,901 --> 00:42:21,701
but after Trevor finally
got me into the fur room
769
00:42:21,767 --> 00:42:25,033
I started thinking about
everything you said.
770
00:42:25,100 --> 00:42:29,467
And I thought, WWWWD.
771
00:42:29,534 --> 00:42:33,734
WWWWD.
772
00:42:33,801 --> 00:42:36,667
What would Wendy Watson do?
773
00:42:38,501 --> 00:42:42,567
The minks already lost their lives.
I can't do anything about that.
774
00:42:42,634 --> 00:42:46,367
But I can make sure their ultimate
sacrifice is used for good, not evil.
775
00:42:48,067 --> 00:42:51,634
You still committed grand
larceny. You stole all those coats.
776
00:42:51,701 --> 00:42:54,567
- I talked Roxy into donating them.
- You did?
777
00:42:54,634 --> 00:42:57,767
She was so busy she barely noticed
I was still in the building.
778
00:42:57,834 --> 00:43:01,601
She told me to take the furs because
the world's going to hell anyway.
779
00:43:01,667 --> 00:43:04,033
Oh, Lacey, that is so...
780
00:43:04,100 --> 00:43:05,934
- Mature?
- ... awesome.
781
00:43:06,033 --> 00:43:08,067
I know, right?
63143
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