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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,300 --> 00:00:03,267 Previously on The Middleman: 2 00:00:03,334 --> 00:00:05,634 Excuse me, ma'am, but I'm going to have to ask you to step aside. 3 00:00:07,834 --> 00:00:10,634 - The human. - This weird temp agency called. 4 00:00:10,701 --> 00:00:13,334 The Jolly Fats Weehauken Temp Agency? 5 00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:16,601 Is this the part I ask you who the hell you are and what the hell you do? 6 00:00:16,667 --> 00:00:19,434 You know how in comic books there's all kinds of mad scientists, 7 00:00:19,501 --> 00:00:21,033 aliens and androids and monsters 8 00:00:21,100 --> 00:00:23,567 and all of them want to either destroy or take over the world? 9 00:00:23,634 --> 00:00:25,534 - In comic books, sure. - It really does work like that. 10 00:00:25,601 --> 00:00:27,167 Don't you want to fight evil? 11 00:00:27,234 --> 00:00:30,467 Monsters, robots and aliens? 12 00:00:30,534 --> 00:00:32,834 - Yeah, why not? - Dub-Dub, who's your boyfriend? 13 00:00:32,901 --> 00:00:35,534 He's not my boyfriend. He's my boss. 14 00:00:35,601 --> 00:00:38,200 - Lacey Thornfield. Charmed. - Delighted, ma'am. 15 00:00:38,267 --> 00:00:41,334 - I'm a conceptual artist. - Some have said that about me, too. 16 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:43,133 I heard you take care of exotic problems. 17 00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:44,801 I'm just the middleman. 18 00:00:48,501 --> 00:00:51,400 No one is more firmly rooted on the side of justice than I am. 19 00:00:51,467 --> 00:00:53,200 You might find this hard to believe, 20 00:00:53,267 --> 00:00:57,334 but I too fight for the truth and preservation of American values 21 00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:01,067 in a concerned citizen kind of way. 22 00:01:01,133 --> 00:01:03,734 I'm just sayin', one crime-hating gal to another. 23 00:01:05,067 --> 00:01:07,167 Can't we just make these charges disappear? 24 00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:10,868 Your roommate was arrested for indecent exposure 25 00:01:10,934 --> 00:01:14,534 - in a sushi restaurant. - As a form of protest. 26 00:01:14,601 --> 00:01:17,667 It was like a free speech thing, with skin. 27 00:01:17,734 --> 00:01:20,868 Oh, come on. Indecent exposure is a misdemeanor. 28 00:01:20,934 --> 00:01:23,801 Her third one in the past six months. 29 00:01:23,868 --> 00:01:26,901 Yo, Wendy Watson, I'm double parked. Have you got the goods yet? 30 00:01:26,968 --> 00:01:29,634 I don't know. Have I got the goods yet? 31 00:01:29,701 --> 00:01:31,467 Just sign. 32 00:01:31,534 --> 00:01:34,801 I'm releasing her to your care. That makes you responsible. 33 00:01:34,868 --> 00:01:37,634 - You won't regret this. - You might. 34 00:01:39,834 --> 00:01:42,234 Hey, guys! Did you miss me? 35 00:01:42,300 --> 00:01:43,601 The sushi eaters hear you roar? 36 00:01:43,667 --> 00:01:46,167 - They certainly know I am woman. - Right on. 37 00:01:47,234 --> 00:01:48,801 Thanks for springing me, Dub-Dub. 38 00:01:50,033 --> 00:01:52,033 Hey, why is there no hugging back? 39 00:01:52,100 --> 00:01:55,501 There's hugging back. It's just accompanied by exhaustion. 40 00:01:55,567 --> 00:01:57,801 And confusion. 41 00:01:57,868 --> 00:02:01,234 - Indecent exposure at a sushi restaurant? - Yep. 42 00:02:01,300 --> 00:02:04,067 Mercury in tuna kills humans and sushi eaters kill fish, 43 00:02:04,133 --> 00:02:05,834 so no matter where you serve it, 44 00:02:05,901 --> 00:02:08,400 how you serve it, spicy tuna kills. 45 00:02:08,467 --> 00:02:10,567 Now connect the dots to public nudity. 46 00:02:10,634 --> 00:02:12,434 Girl's got to fight the power. 47 00:02:12,501 --> 00:02:14,634 Girl's gotta remember she's not 18 anymore. 48 00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:16,033 This isn't the campus police. 49 00:02:16,100 --> 00:02:18,167 I spent a couple of hours in the slammer. 50 00:02:18,234 --> 00:02:20,634 Yeah, I dragged myself out of bed to talk your way out. 51 00:02:20,701 --> 00:02:22,100 Wendy, I'm a confrontational... 52 00:02:22,167 --> 00:02:24,634 Spoken word performance artist. I know. 53 00:02:24,701 --> 00:02:26,767 I don't complain when you stay up late to paint. 54 00:02:26,834 --> 00:02:29,834 Yeah, because when I paint, you don't have to grease the cops. 55 00:02:29,901 --> 00:02:31,400 Maybe you should find a better way 56 00:02:31,467 --> 00:02:33,934 to make a statement than these pointless pranks. 57 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,734 Pointless? 58 00:02:35,801 --> 00:02:39,934 You have no idea what it takes to save the world, Wendy Watson. 59 00:02:45,067 --> 00:02:47,000 Too harsh? Yeah. 60 00:03:32,234 --> 00:03:33,701 Find what you're looking for? 61 00:03:33,767 --> 00:03:37,067 If I needed to kill a man by scrambling his molecular structure, 62 00:03:37,133 --> 00:03:40,267 yes, but since what I really want is a cup of coffee... 63 00:03:40,334 --> 00:03:42,901 - Hmm. - Hey! 64 00:03:42,968 --> 00:03:45,400 Bloodshot eyes, fatigue, crankiness. 65 00:03:45,467 --> 00:03:47,567 Someone spent all night sucking on a spliff. 66 00:03:47,634 --> 00:03:51,434 No. Somebody was up late bailing your roomie out of the slammer. 67 00:03:51,501 --> 00:03:55,167 If that somebody was you, then that makes Lacey the roommate in question. 68 00:03:55,234 --> 00:03:57,701 Gosh, Sparky, did your fancy computer tell you that? 69 00:03:57,767 --> 00:03:59,934 - Is she OK? - I don't know. 70 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:01,434 I wish I thought to ask. 71 00:04:01,501 --> 00:04:04,100 Instead I just launched on some tirade 72 00:04:04,167 --> 00:04:06,567 about responsibility and growing up. 73 00:04:06,634 --> 00:04:09,934 And if we're gonna get into this, I really need a double black-eye. 74 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,067 Caffeine is a drug, Dubbie. 75 00:04:12,133 --> 00:04:15,200 I'm holding the molecular stun cannon. 76 00:04:15,267 --> 00:04:16,167 Ida. 77 00:04:18,267 --> 00:04:19,400 Sweet. 78 00:04:19,467 --> 00:04:20,934 Can that thing do a muffin? 79 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,601 Oh, don't push your luck, junkie. 80 00:04:23,667 --> 00:04:25,534 I like watching you get the shakes. 81 00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:29,033 Lacey was just doing her protest thing. 82 00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:30,868 Her heart's in the right place, 83 00:04:30,934 --> 00:04:32,968 just... I wanted to be supportive. 84 00:04:33,033 --> 00:04:37,400 But when I opened my mouth, my mom came out. 85 00:04:37,467 --> 00:04:40,234 No, seriously. I might have even said to buy a nice bag, 86 00:04:40,300 --> 00:04:42,467 high heels, a push-up bra and get herself a man. 87 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,267 - She's from Miami. - Ah. 88 00:04:47,467 --> 00:04:48,734 You'll make it up to her. 89 00:04:48,801 --> 00:04:50,601 Not unless we have some alien weapon 90 00:04:50,667 --> 00:04:52,167 that shoots the mercury off fish. 91 00:04:52,234 --> 00:04:55,834 I was thinking more of a sparkly card or a makeover. 92 00:04:57,434 --> 00:05:00,033 Or we could use our computers 93 00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:01,567 to hack into the police mainframe 94 00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:03,067 and erase her permanent record. 95 00:05:03,133 --> 00:05:05,000 Katie-bar-the-door, Dubbie. 96 00:05:05,067 --> 00:05:07,734 We do not use our resources to solve personal issues. 97 00:05:07,801 --> 00:05:10,667 Oh, come on. I bet Ida's just a doubleclick away 98 00:05:10,734 --> 00:05:12,601 from making her permanent record go bye-bye. 99 00:05:12,667 --> 00:05:15,567 I'm a doubleclick away from making something go bye-bye. 100 00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:19,100 Oh, come on, why not? 101 00:05:19,167 --> 00:05:21,834 Our mandate is to protect the people from threats 102 00:05:21,901 --> 00:05:23,834 infra, extra, and juxta-terrestrial, 103 00:05:23,901 --> 00:05:26,834 not to become consumed with the mundane problems of everyday life. 104 00:05:26,901 --> 00:05:28,934 Just this one time? 105 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:31,467 You let yourself become distracted, next thing you know 106 00:05:31,534 --> 00:05:34,501 a geological rift opens and the city's overrun by three-toed hominids 107 00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:35,901 who battled man for dominance 108 00:05:35,968 --> 00:05:38,467 while you've got your tighty-whiteys around your ankles. 109 00:05:38,534 --> 00:05:40,033 That happened to you, didn't it? 110 00:05:40,100 --> 00:05:41,667 Anybody want to get to work here? 111 00:05:41,734 --> 00:05:43,968 'Cause we got hot donuts now. 112 00:05:44,033 --> 00:05:47,701 - Maybe you should sit this one out. - What? Why? 113 00:05:47,767 --> 00:05:51,133 Underslept. Overcaffeinated. Distracted. 114 00:05:52,501 --> 00:05:55,000 I'm as serious as a Hefty bag full of rottweilers. 115 00:05:55,067 --> 00:05:57,467 A Middleman must remain focused at all times. 116 00:05:57,534 --> 00:05:59,033 I said I'm good. 117 00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:00,834 Apparently there's been a mudslide. 118 00:06:00,901 --> 00:06:03,067 What's so weird about that? 119 00:06:03,133 --> 00:06:05,300 Inside a Chinese restaurant. 120 00:06:15,801 --> 00:06:17,667 I'm sorry, but this is a sealed area. 121 00:06:17,734 --> 00:06:21,133 - We're waiting for the coroner. - The coroner? 122 00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:22,467 Oh. 123 00:06:22,534 --> 00:06:25,033 I'm Dr. Kynes, this is Dr. Rabban 124 00:06:25,100 --> 00:06:26,767 from the Ecological Task Force. 125 00:06:26,834 --> 00:06:28,434 We think global warming is to blame. 126 00:06:28,501 --> 00:06:32,501 - Al Gore just ain't whistling Dixie. - No, sir, he isn't. 127 00:06:32,567 --> 00:06:35,734 - Were there any witnesses? - Uh, just a busboy, he's in the back. 128 00:06:35,801 --> 00:06:38,234 Why don't you go get him while we investigate the site? 129 00:06:38,300 --> 00:06:39,234 OK. 130 00:06:44,300 --> 00:06:46,100 So, when do I get one of those? 131 00:06:46,167 --> 00:06:48,434 Try using your eyes. See anything? 132 00:06:48,501 --> 00:06:50,767 Aside from the half-buried corpse? 133 00:06:50,834 --> 00:06:52,334 Focus, Dubbie. 134 00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:54,567 Don't let the 'feine deaden your senses. 135 00:06:54,634 --> 00:06:55,934 The 'feine? 136 00:06:59,033 --> 00:07:02,801 Well, I see nothing. 137 00:07:02,868 --> 00:07:05,234 Which is something because there should be a statue 138 00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:07,534 of a terra cotta warrior on this pedestal. 139 00:07:07,601 --> 00:07:09,367 Good. Make a note. 140 00:07:09,434 --> 00:07:12,133 I need Ida to tap CHAD for any information on our warrior. 141 00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:15,067 - CHAD? - Chinese Historical Art Database. 142 00:07:15,133 --> 00:07:17,434 Or I could tell you that our statue is a general 143 00:07:17,501 --> 00:07:21,100 in the terra cotta army commissioned by the emperor of the Qin Dynasty 144 00:07:21,167 --> 00:07:22,868 and buried with him in 209 BC. 145 00:07:22,934 --> 00:07:24,267 Color me impressed. 146 00:07:25,334 --> 00:07:26,767 Color me focused. 147 00:07:29,601 --> 00:07:31,300 I heard an awful sound, 148 00:07:31,367 --> 00:07:33,100 so I ran out from the kitchen 149 00:07:33,167 --> 00:07:35,968 and a huge wall of mud just came out of nowhere, 150 00:07:36,033 --> 00:07:37,901 overrunning everything in the place. 151 00:07:37,968 --> 00:07:39,567 And that's your boss? 152 00:07:39,634 --> 00:07:42,300 - Mr. Hsu. - What can you tell us about him? 153 00:07:42,367 --> 00:07:44,000 He was your typical small business owner. 154 00:07:44,067 --> 00:07:47,601 Driven, hard-working, freakish obsession with that warrior statue. 155 00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:50,033 - Can you expand on that? - Long hours. 156 00:07:50,100 --> 00:07:52,567 Impeccable work ethic. I think it's a cultural thing. 157 00:07:52,634 --> 00:07:54,501 I meant the freakish obsession. 158 00:07:54,567 --> 00:07:56,167 Oh. Well, he mortgaged the place 159 00:07:56,234 --> 00:07:58,601 to bring the terra cotta warrior over from China. 160 00:07:58,667 --> 00:08:01,234 Then he spent all hours of the night burning candles 161 00:08:01,300 --> 00:08:03,300 - and chanting in Mandarin. - What did he say? 162 00:08:03,367 --> 00:08:06,167 Dude, I'm like third generation twice-removed. 163 00:08:06,234 --> 00:08:08,167 I don't speak a lick of Chinese, 164 00:08:08,234 --> 00:08:10,767 but it sounded like 165 00:08:12,601 --> 00:08:15,167 "Rise, be flesh, and walk the Earth. " 166 00:08:16,734 --> 00:08:18,868 Could global warming make that happen? 167 00:08:18,934 --> 00:08:20,501 - Yes. - Yes. 168 00:08:20,567 --> 00:08:22,701 What are your thoughts on how to handle this? 169 00:08:22,767 --> 00:08:25,300 Are you quizzing me because you think I'm not focused? 170 00:08:25,367 --> 00:08:28,534 I'm quizzing you because I have no thoughts on how to handle this. 171 00:08:28,601 --> 00:08:32,033 You're at a loss? That's a new one. 172 00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:34,367 You might find what I'm about to tell you shocking, 173 00:08:34,434 --> 00:08:37,000 given my knowledge of aliens, monsters and androids, 174 00:08:37,067 --> 00:08:39,334 but I do have one area of weakness. 175 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:42,567 - Brevity? - Magic. The supernatural. 176 00:08:42,634 --> 00:08:45,033 The dark arts. Things that go bump. 177 00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:46,801 Anathema. 178 00:08:46,868 --> 00:08:49,067 We'll need to consult someone. 179 00:08:49,133 --> 00:08:51,200 - Who? - Our consultant, of course. 180 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:54,267 You are off today. 181 00:09:02,133 --> 00:09:05,133 Hate it, hate it, hate it. 182 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:08,133 It's a disaster of unmitigated proportions. 183 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:10,067 They look like the "Addicted to Love" girls. 184 00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:12,234 Roxy, this was your concept. 185 00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:15,267 It stinks! 186 00:09:17,234 --> 00:09:18,901 All right, boss, we'll tear it down. 187 00:09:20,167 --> 00:09:21,767 The devil actually does wear Prada. 188 00:09:21,834 --> 00:09:24,267 That's no devil. That's a succubus. 189 00:09:24,334 --> 00:09:26,834 You, get over to the hair, now! To the models. 190 00:09:26,901 --> 00:09:29,634 You stay here with Trevor because certainly he is incompetent. 191 00:09:31,167 --> 00:09:33,968 - Should I kill it? - Stay your weapon, Dubbie. 192 00:09:34,033 --> 00:09:36,234 Roxy Wasserman is completely reformed. 193 00:09:36,300 --> 00:09:39,267 Opened this place as a halfway house for other reformed succubi. 194 00:09:39,334 --> 00:09:42,367 Gives them a chance to get out of the killing field and onto their feet. 195 00:09:42,434 --> 00:09:45,133 This place is a halfway house for soul-sucking demons 196 00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:47,868 who sneak up on defenseless men and seduce them in their sleep? 197 00:09:47,934 --> 00:09:49,968 Also a halfway house for soul-sucking demons 198 00:09:50,033 --> 00:09:51,701 who sneak up on defenseless women 199 00:09:51,767 --> 00:09:54,667 and seduce them in their sleep. MM, darling, give me kisses. 200 00:09:57,501 --> 00:09:59,200 We're in a pantload of trouble, Rox. 201 00:09:59,267 --> 00:10:01,801 It looks like you're wearing Hitler's smoking jacket 202 00:10:01,868 --> 00:10:03,801 - and it looks even worse on a girl. - I know! 203 00:10:03,868 --> 00:10:06,067 We didn't come for the fashion advice. 204 00:10:06,133 --> 00:10:08,367 We're in need of supernatural consultation. 205 00:10:08,434 --> 00:10:11,200 My normal fee? Step into my office. 206 00:10:14,534 --> 00:10:17,267 A Chinese warrior, you say. 207 00:10:17,334 --> 00:10:19,100 Trevor! 208 00:10:19,167 --> 00:10:21,567 I'm going to guess it was a terra cotta warrior. 209 00:10:21,634 --> 00:10:24,734 Buried with the emperor of the Qin Dynasty in 209. 210 00:10:24,801 --> 00:10:26,667 We already got that from the placemat. 211 00:10:26,734 --> 00:10:29,534 If you knew anything at all you wouldn't be standing in my office. 212 00:10:29,601 --> 00:10:32,501 You'd be running for the hills. Trevor, come in and meet our guests. 213 00:10:32,567 --> 00:10:33,968 Watch your mouth with this one. 214 00:10:34,033 --> 00:10:36,100 Trevor here is just barely reformed. 215 00:10:36,167 --> 00:10:39,701 You know Trevor used to sneak up on poor, unsuspecting women 216 00:10:39,767 --> 00:10:43,834 in their sleep and do unspeakable things to them with his cold, icy... 217 00:10:43,901 --> 00:10:44,834 Hands. 218 00:10:46,300 --> 00:10:48,734 Thank you. What can I do for you, Roxy? 219 00:10:48,801 --> 00:10:51,367 They have an Earth Elemental on their hands. 220 00:10:51,434 --> 00:10:56,033 - Mmm, nasty. - Start gathering the items listed on page 47. 221 00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:57,567 An Earth Elemental? 222 00:10:57,634 --> 00:10:59,501 A spirit that draws its power from living earth. 223 00:10:59,567 --> 00:11:01,667 Can manipulate or control anything made of earth. 224 00:11:01,734 --> 00:11:03,767 Hence your mudslide inside a restaurant. 225 00:11:03,834 --> 00:11:05,801 So he's like the Magneto of mud? 226 00:11:05,868 --> 00:11:08,000 Grapes of wrath, Dubbie. Do you have any idea 227 00:11:08,067 --> 00:11:10,734 how much of the earth is made up of... earth? 228 00:11:10,801 --> 00:11:12,968 Himself included. He can take any form 229 00:11:13,033 --> 00:11:14,367 as long as it's made of earth. 230 00:11:14,434 --> 00:11:16,267 And hide anywhere. 231 00:11:16,334 --> 00:11:18,400 Gobsmack it, this is why I hate magic. 232 00:11:18,467 --> 00:11:20,000 Oh, don't make such a fuss. 233 00:11:20,067 --> 00:11:21,834 Water beats earth, MM. 234 00:11:21,901 --> 00:11:23,701 I'll make you a vial of aquatic banishment. 235 00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:26,033 You throw it at him and poof! No more warrior. 236 00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:28,901 But the recipe is delicate. I will need some time. 237 00:11:28,968 --> 00:11:32,000 So we just hang out here? 238 00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:35,334 No. You must stop the warrior from completing its mission. 239 00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:38,434 - Which is? - Legend says the terra cotta warriors 240 00:11:38,501 --> 00:11:41,300 were created to have a fanatical devotion to the emperor. 241 00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:43,834 Believed the world would end with the death of their liege. 242 00:11:43,901 --> 00:11:45,567 If this one truly walks the earth, 243 00:11:45,634 --> 00:11:48,767 he will make it his mission to find the last living heir to the Qin Dynasty 244 00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:51,033 - and take him to the land of the dead. - That's it? 245 00:11:52,567 --> 00:11:54,501 Well, that doesn't sound so scary. 246 00:11:54,567 --> 00:11:58,734 And release a hail of fire that will rain down on Earth for a thousand years. 247 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:01,534 Oh. 248 00:12:01,601 --> 00:12:03,167 Aw, phooey. 249 00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:09,601 We get to your place, go inside and pack a bag. I'll wait outside. 250 00:12:09,667 --> 00:12:11,067 Why do I need to pack a bag? 251 00:12:11,133 --> 00:12:12,300 - Look over there. - What? 252 00:12:12,367 --> 00:12:14,100 Ow! 253 00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:17,167 Those are your State Department- recommended inoculations for China. 254 00:12:17,234 --> 00:12:19,901 A healthy dose of distraction would help the medicine go down. 255 00:12:19,968 --> 00:12:22,067 - We're going to China? - As soon as Ida gives us 256 00:12:22,133 --> 00:12:23,601 the coordinates for the heir. 257 00:12:23,667 --> 00:12:25,667 Let's hope it takes Mudman a good amount of time 258 00:12:25,734 --> 00:12:28,367 to figure out transcontinental travel and passport control. 259 00:12:28,434 --> 00:12:31,133 Why can't the Chinese Middleman just take over the case? 260 00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:33,968 Don't be ridiculous. China is a Communist country. 261 00:12:34,033 --> 00:12:36,467 A hero would be reduced to the level of the common man. 262 00:12:36,534 --> 00:12:38,601 I'm the only Middleman, and you're the only... 263 00:12:38,667 --> 00:12:41,067 - Sidekick? - Right. 264 00:12:41,133 --> 00:12:43,501 Just you and me against all the bad things out there. 265 00:12:43,567 --> 00:12:46,634 That's all that separates the planet from a thousand years of fire. 266 00:12:46,701 --> 00:12:47,934 I hear you. 267 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,968 And keep an eye on yourself. 268 00:12:50,033 --> 00:12:54,133 The vaccinations may cause drowsiness, paranoia, and atypically vivid daydreams. 269 00:12:55,667 --> 00:12:58,801 - Yo, Wendy Watson. - Hey, Noser. 270 00:12:58,868 --> 00:13:00,901 What are you gonna do with the light fandango? 271 00:13:00,968 --> 00:13:03,267 Not gonna let it distract me from saving the world. 272 00:13:03,334 --> 00:13:05,100 Wanna do cartwheels 'cross the floor? 273 00:13:05,167 --> 00:13:06,901 Nope, I'm a guided missile of purpose. 274 00:13:06,968 --> 00:13:09,133 That truth is plain to see. 275 00:13:11,300 --> 00:13:12,634 Oh, hang on. She just walked in. 276 00:13:14,167 --> 00:13:15,400 It's your mom. 277 00:13:15,467 --> 00:13:18,567 And she agrees that tuna kills. 278 00:13:18,634 --> 00:13:21,234 Hey, Mom. Can I call you later? 279 00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:25,300 Yes, Mother. It is shocking how much mercury is in fish. 280 00:13:25,367 --> 00:13:28,634 You're right. It's very important to get the message out. 281 00:13:28,701 --> 00:13:31,434 - Know where my puffy coat is? - I borrowed it. 282 00:13:33,300 --> 00:13:36,334 Yes, I know I was cranky. Did she tell you that I bailed her out at 3:00 AM? 283 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:37,801 I'm still in the room. 284 00:13:37,868 --> 00:13:39,968 After the longest day at work ever. 285 00:13:40,033 --> 00:13:41,501 What's with the repo, man? 286 00:13:41,567 --> 00:13:44,801 I'm going out of town for a few days. 287 00:13:44,868 --> 00:13:48,434 Hey, Mom. I gotta go. I'm doing a job for Roxy Wasserman. 288 00:13:48,501 --> 00:13:52,968 And I sorta owe Lacey an apology for last night so... OK, love you too. 289 00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:55,300 Are you serious? 290 00:13:56,467 --> 00:13:58,334 Yeah. 291 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:02,868 I was really tired last night and... I probably should've been a little more patient- 292 00:14:02,934 --> 00:14:04,901 I mean about working for Roxy Wasserman. 293 00:14:04,968 --> 00:14:07,701 Roxy Wasserman is single-handedly keeping fur in style. 294 00:14:07,767 --> 00:14:10,601 Do you have any idea how many animals die to make her clothes? 295 00:14:10,667 --> 00:14:14,734 I've got a good mind to march down there right now and spray the place with fake blood. 296 00:14:14,801 --> 00:14:16,367 Lacey, no. 297 00:14:16,434 --> 00:14:19,834 Famouse is not the sort of place where you want to commit a felony. 298 00:14:19,901 --> 00:14:23,901 Roxy Wasserman takes fashion seriously, really seriously. 299 00:14:23,968 --> 00:14:27,734 And I take animals seriously. really seriously. 300 00:14:27,801 --> 00:14:29,534 Please don't go down there. 301 00:14:29,601 --> 00:14:33,167 That place, it's... it's not human. 302 00:14:33,234 --> 00:14:35,000 At least we agree on that. 303 00:14:36,868 --> 00:14:39,167 I don't know how else to say this. 304 00:14:39,234 --> 00:14:41,534 Just don't. I work with Roxy... 305 00:14:41,601 --> 00:14:44,901 Relax, Captain Day Job. I won't tell anyone we're friends. 306 00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:46,901 I won't call you from jail either. 307 00:14:46,968 --> 00:14:49,667 That's not what I mean, Lacey. 308 00:14:49,734 --> 00:14:51,767 Wait. 309 00:14:59,434 --> 00:15:00,868 Everything she says is- 310 00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:03,734 Do you guys know where the furs are? 311 00:15:03,801 --> 00:15:06,968 Hate it, hate it so much I want to gouge my eyes out, 312 00:15:07,033 --> 00:15:09,067 hate it so much I want to gouge your eyes out. 313 00:15:09,133 --> 00:15:10,734 Oh, good lord! 314 00:15:10,801 --> 00:15:14,701 I ask for modern. I ask for hip and what do I get? 315 00:15:14,767 --> 00:15:18,100 What is this, exactly? It's like somebody's nightmare. 316 00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:21,067 My label goes on these rags, people. 317 00:15:21,133 --> 00:15:22,901 Tell me how to fix it! 318 00:15:22,968 --> 00:15:24,167 How about a fur coat? 319 00:15:24,234 --> 00:15:25,734 Who said that? 320 00:15:25,801 --> 00:15:27,400 Uh... 321 00:15:27,467 --> 00:15:28,801 What is your name? 322 00:15:28,868 --> 00:15:38,367 Um... Uh... Lacey Thornfield. 323 00:15:38,434 --> 00:15:40,300 You're adorable. 324 00:15:40,367 --> 00:15:44,300 Now tell me, do I look like Margaret Thatcher? 325 00:15:44,367 --> 00:15:48,167 A fur coat at a summer shoot? Shut your eyes! Shut them! 326 00:15:49,701 --> 00:15:52,167 Ignore every stupid thought of conformity 327 00:15:52,234 --> 00:15:54,601 in that tiny little brain of yours 328 00:15:54,667 --> 00:15:58,734 and I want you to visualize like as if your life depends on your ability to accessorize. 329 00:15:58,801 --> 00:16:00,667 Don't think! Imagine. 330 00:16:00,734 --> 00:16:04,200 Pink tulle fairy skirt with rhinestone embellished gold lam� waist belt 331 00:16:04,267 --> 00:16:06,334 and matching unicorn headdress? 332 00:16:07,534 --> 00:16:09,000 What did you say? 333 00:16:09,067 --> 00:16:10,200 I'm not sure, ma'am. 334 00:16:10,267 --> 00:16:12,367 Brilliant. Absolutely transcendent. 335 00:16:12,434 --> 00:16:14,434 You're like Karl Lagerfeld with breasts. 336 00:16:14,501 --> 00:16:18,834 You heard her, people. Fairy Skirt and headdress! Go! Go! 337 00:16:21,467 --> 00:16:26,367 Lacey Thornfield, you just landed yourself a new job as my assistant. 338 00:16:26,434 --> 00:16:28,467 But you already have an assistant. 339 00:16:28,534 --> 00:16:31,501 Betty, you're fired! 340 00:16:31,567 --> 00:16:33,100 Stand by me, darling. 341 00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:36,367 Not too close. Back up. Yes. 342 00:16:36,434 --> 00:16:38,534 More horsey, more horsey. 343 00:16:38,601 --> 00:16:41,334 And tighter, tighter horsey. There we are. 344 00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:45,868 Come on, Lacey. Pick up. Pick up. 345 00:16:45,934 --> 00:16:47,534 - Pick up! - Turn that thing off. 346 00:16:47,601 --> 00:16:50,767 There's no way my cell phone interferes with that thing's frequency. 347 00:16:50,834 --> 00:16:52,667 I'm talking about your mouth. 348 00:16:52,734 --> 00:16:55,934 Lay off, Threepio. I've got a serious problem here. 349 00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:58,534 We are in the middle of an operation. How close are we? 350 00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:03,000 - Finishing the STORC search. - Sperm Tracker Operations and Reconnaissance Commander. 351 00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:04,868 I'll have a location in 40 seconds. 352 00:17:04,934 --> 00:17:08,234 Dubbie, you have 40 seconds to talk this out. Go. 353 00:17:08,300 --> 00:17:13,234 Uh, well, Lacey's been mad at me before, but she's never ignored my calls. 354 00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:15,467 I thought you solved your female problems. 355 00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:19,033 I don't think female problems means what you think it means, but no. 356 00:17:19,100 --> 00:17:20,868 Now, it's even worse. 357 00:17:20,934 --> 00:17:24,400 Because of me, Lacey went to Famouse to sling fake blood at the fur line. 358 00:17:25,767 --> 00:17:27,400 You have to admire her enthusiasm. 359 00:17:27,467 --> 00:17:30,300 It's not a joke. She could get arrested. 360 00:17:30,367 --> 00:17:32,567 Again. Or worse. 361 00:17:32,634 --> 00:17:34,901 Those succubi are completely reformed. 362 00:17:34,968 --> 00:17:37,567 As for the arresting, she's an adult. She'll handle it. 363 00:17:37,634 --> 00:17:39,100 She's like half an adult. 364 00:17:39,167 --> 00:17:40,868 Hey! I've got an heir lock. 365 00:17:40,934 --> 00:17:42,734 You need to trust Lacey. 366 00:17:42,801 --> 00:17:44,467 Let me just try her one more time. 367 00:17:44,534 --> 00:17:46,367 And right now, I need to trust you. 368 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:50,834 His name's Duncan. 369 00:17:50,901 --> 00:17:55,400 The name of the heir to the Qin Dynasty is... Duncan? 370 00:17:57,167 --> 00:17:59,834 So where's the next Emperor to China? 371 00:18:05,901 --> 00:18:08,934 What is the heir to the Qin Dynasty doing in a school in the suburbs? 372 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,200 Physical education by the looks of his schedule. 373 00:18:11,267 --> 00:18:13,434 Can't believe you gave me that shot for nothing. 374 00:18:13,501 --> 00:18:16,367 You're not experiencing side effects, are you? Drowsiness? 375 00:18:16,434 --> 00:18:17,934 - Vivid daydreams? - Annoyance? 376 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:21,968 Let's go find his majesty before that Terracotta Warrior shows up. 377 00:18:22,033 --> 00:18:25,267 That mud-molding demon could be anywhere. 378 00:18:25,334 --> 00:18:27,801 ...fifty daffodils to Shaddam at the House of Corrino 379 00:18:27,868 --> 00:18:30,367 and, oh, and I have people working on a water elemental. 380 00:18:30,434 --> 00:18:31,801 Is that a fashion thing? 381 00:18:31,868 --> 00:18:34,033 Do I pay you to ask questions? 382 00:18:34,100 --> 00:18:38,300 Supposed to get a drop of water from each of the seven seas and a hair from a water buffalo. 383 00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:41,601 Go down there and find out how far they've come. 384 00:18:41,667 --> 00:18:44,934 I already have the sea water and hair of water buffalo. 385 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,501 Hair of water buffalo? What kind of design is this? 386 00:18:47,567 --> 00:18:51,100 One that will prevent fire from raining on earth for a thousand years. 387 00:18:51,167 --> 00:18:54,467 Someone thinks a little too highly of her job. 388 00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:59,334 So all that remains is 30 bottles of Tahiti Water. That's yours, Lacey. 389 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:02,167 Tahiti Water? That stuff is terrible for the environment. 390 00:19:02,234 --> 00:19:05,667 It's the only water in the world with the mineral content I need. 391 00:19:05,734 --> 00:19:08,133 Don't you care about your carbon footprint? 392 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:11,834 Is it like the footprint I'm going to leave on your young, arrogant derriere 393 00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:13,667 if you don't do exactly as I say? 394 00:19:16,501 --> 00:19:19,334 Why is she so mean? 395 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,133 See the way she looked at me? I thought she was gonna kill me. 396 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,868 I doubt it. Roxy hasn't killed since the early 80s. 397 00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:30,667 - I'm Lacey. - Trevor. 398 00:19:30,734 --> 00:19:34,367 - You're different than the assistants Roxy usually hires. - 'Cause I have a soul. 399 00:19:34,434 --> 00:19:35,934 Really? 400 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,567 Shocking. I know. 401 00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:40,801 I want this job for one reason. I want to see where they keep the furs. 402 00:19:40,868 --> 00:19:44,000 - You like fur? - I have a thing for fur. 403 00:19:44,067 --> 00:19:47,300 Make Roxy Wasserman happy and you might just get your wish. 404 00:19:52,133 --> 00:19:54,534 Keep a watchful eye for our Warrior. 405 00:19:54,601 --> 00:19:57,601 Yes. Because he can control the very earth with his mind, 406 00:19:57,667 --> 00:20:00,901 and there's earth everywhere on the Earth, I get it. 407 00:20:00,968 --> 00:20:03,767 You underestimate the enemy at our peril. 408 00:20:03,834 --> 00:20:07,133 We're in a public school, there's no earth here, just blacktop. 409 00:20:08,834 --> 00:20:12,834 Which one looks like the heir to a royal dynasty from the far east? 410 00:20:12,901 --> 00:20:14,567 Allow me. 411 00:20:14,634 --> 00:20:18,767 Red rover, red rover, send Duncan right over! 412 00:20:22,667 --> 00:20:24,334 He's the heir to the Qin Dynasty? 413 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:27,300 Hands Across America, that's unexpected. 414 00:20:30,567 --> 00:20:32,234 Terracotta roof! 415 00:20:56,701 --> 00:21:00,067 OK, MM, I defer to you on this one 'cause I got nothing. 416 00:21:03,934 --> 00:21:05,901 Duck and cover, Dubbie. 417 00:21:05,968 --> 00:21:09,100 Roxy said only the Vial of Aquatic Banishment can kill this dude! 418 00:21:18,133 --> 00:21:20,167 You may want to come with us. 419 00:21:28,033 --> 00:21:31,334 There are just way too many copies of Terminator out there. 420 00:21:35,567 --> 00:21:36,801 OK. Let's go! 421 00:21:38,534 --> 00:21:40,634 We don't have a lot of time. I must be blunt. 422 00:21:40,701 --> 00:21:44,434 That warrior wants to serve you up as a ritualistic sacrifice to the underworld 423 00:21:44,501 --> 00:21:46,567 because you're the heir to the Qin Dynasty. 424 00:21:46,634 --> 00:21:49,767 We'll either be destroying the Warrior with a supernatural weapon 425 00:21:49,834 --> 00:21:53,701 or delivering you to an international safehouse where you'll assume a new identity. 426 00:21:53,767 --> 00:21:55,501 How are you with foreign languages? 427 00:21:55,567 --> 00:21:58,968 That's our supernatural consultant. Excuse me. 428 00:21:59,033 --> 00:22:03,067 Roxy? It's The Middleman. In a bit of a sticky widget so let me get right to it. 429 00:22:03,133 --> 00:22:06,033 - Is he some kind of superhero? - Something like that. 430 00:22:06,100 --> 00:22:07,901 And what are you? 431 00:22:07,968 --> 00:22:10,534 Ever hear of Robin the Boy Wonder? 432 00:22:10,601 --> 00:22:12,501 He sucks. 433 00:22:12,567 --> 00:22:15,701 So you didn't know you're the heir to the Qin Dynasty? 434 00:22:15,767 --> 00:22:20,601 Roxy just finished the Vial of Aquatic Banishment. What's your address? 435 00:22:20,667 --> 00:22:22,434 Uh... 1965 Caladan Lane. 436 00:22:22,501 --> 00:22:26,334 You smoking terracotta? We can't take him home. The Warrior will track him there. 437 00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:30,133 Elemental my dear Watson. Right into our trap. 438 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:33,434 1965 Caladan Lane, Roxy. And make it snappy. 439 00:22:33,501 --> 00:22:35,434 We can't let the Warrior beat us there. 440 00:22:42,801 --> 00:22:45,300 What in the gosh darn heck? 441 00:22:49,934 --> 00:22:54,367 Can you give me just one second? 442 00:22:58,834 --> 00:23:00,667 Lacey, what are you doing here? 443 00:23:00,734 --> 00:23:02,367 Aren't you supposed to be in China? 444 00:23:02,434 --> 00:23:05,234 We had a change of plans. I've been trying to call you. 445 00:23:05,300 --> 00:23:08,501 Sorry. I've been too busy to take personal calls. 446 00:23:08,567 --> 00:23:11,400 Roxy Wasserman hand picked me to be her assistant. 447 00:23:11,467 --> 00:23:14,801 Apparently I'm Karl Lagerfield with breasts. 448 00:23:14,868 --> 00:23:17,000 She sent me here to deliver this bag. 449 00:23:17,067 --> 00:23:21,167 What? But you despise Roxy Wasserman and everything she stands for. 450 00:23:21,234 --> 00:23:23,300 I thought you'd be glad I got a job. 451 00:23:23,367 --> 00:23:24,868 You're the one that told me to grow up. 452 00:23:24,934 --> 00:23:26,000 Hello, Lacey. 453 00:23:28,767 --> 00:23:30,367 Hi, Wendy's boss. 454 00:23:30,434 --> 00:23:32,067 You have something for me. 455 00:23:32,133 --> 00:23:33,734 This is for you? 456 00:23:33,801 --> 00:23:37,100 Ah, my toner, wonderful. You can never be too kind to your skin. 457 00:23:37,167 --> 00:23:41,400 It is, after all, the largest and most sensitive of the body's organs. 458 00:23:41,467 --> 00:23:44,801 I got the Tahiti Water for it myself. 459 00:23:44,868 --> 00:23:49,067 Tahiti Water? You have fundamental issues with bottled water. 460 00:23:49,133 --> 00:23:51,000 My skin thanks you kindly, Lacey. 461 00:23:51,067 --> 00:23:54,367 As do I. I hate to delay you any longer, Lacey. 462 00:23:54,434 --> 00:23:58,634 I'm sure Ms. Wasserman must be eager to get you back at the office. 463 00:23:58,701 --> 00:24:02,234 Right. Job. Right. 464 00:24:02,300 --> 00:24:03,667 Bye bye, Wendy's boss. 465 00:24:07,234 --> 00:24:08,434 They took her soul. 466 00:24:08,501 --> 00:24:10,567 I told you, those succubi are... 467 00:24:10,634 --> 00:24:12,968 Her metaphorical soul. 468 00:24:13,033 --> 00:24:14,968 what is she doing working for a furmonger? 469 00:24:15,033 --> 00:24:17,734 This development is upsetting but I must remind you to... 470 00:24:17,801 --> 00:24:22,067 Delay any emotional reaction until we've safely delivered the Earth from peril. 471 00:24:22,133 --> 00:24:23,968 I got it without the lecture. 472 00:24:24,033 --> 00:24:27,300 I'll grab the heir. 473 00:24:27,367 --> 00:24:31,934 You think our son is the heir to an ancient line of Chinese rulers? 474 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:35,400 And is currently being hunted by a military Zealot born of clay made flesh 475 00:24:35,467 --> 00:24:37,667 and bent on taking him to the Underworld, yes. 476 00:24:37,734 --> 00:24:40,567 There's obviously been a huge mistake. 477 00:24:40,634 --> 00:24:45,100 That thing came after me, Dad. It would have killed me if this guy didn't go T-2 on his ass. 478 00:24:45,167 --> 00:24:47,367 Don't say "ass" in front of company. 479 00:24:47,434 --> 00:24:50,834 Say "ass" all you want, Duncan. Our company was just leaving. 480 00:24:50,901 --> 00:24:54,000 Honey, maybe we should listen to what they have to say. 481 00:24:54,067 --> 00:24:56,767 But this is insane. Isn't it? 482 00:24:59,601 --> 00:25:01,968 Jessica? 483 00:25:02,033 --> 00:25:06,501 Duncan, you know how Mommy sometimes takes long international business trips? 484 00:25:06,567 --> 00:25:08,167 Yeah. 485 00:25:08,234 --> 00:25:10,100 Well, sometimes Mommy gets lonely. 486 00:25:10,167 --> 00:25:13,567 And one time she drank a lot of plum wine 487 00:25:13,634 --> 00:25:15,501 during her trip to Shanghai. 488 00:25:15,567 --> 00:25:18,133 Oh, no she didn't. 489 00:25:19,701 --> 00:25:22,234 Tell me she didn't. 490 00:25:22,300 --> 00:25:26,167 Sometimes her husband forgets how to make her feel attractive. 491 00:25:28,868 --> 00:25:30,400 Now that we've settled the boy's lineage, 492 00:25:30,467 --> 00:25:34,067 let's move on to more pressing matters. 493 00:25:34,133 --> 00:25:36,100 The Boy Scouts called. they want their family counseling Merit Badge back. 494 00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:40,300 Would you excuse me? 495 00:25:41,534 --> 00:25:44,100 Dad? I'm being hunted! 496 00:25:44,167 --> 00:25:47,367 I am gonna need so much therapy. 497 00:25:48,667 --> 00:25:53,801 Hey. I know this Dad stuff is a lot to handle. 498 00:25:53,868 --> 00:25:55,968 Is that your job? To talk me down? 499 00:25:56,033 --> 00:25:58,334 Well, I understand where you're coming from. 500 00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:01,601 My Dad disappeared when I was 14. 501 00:26:01,667 --> 00:26:04,834 I don't know if he abandoned me or if he's dead. 502 00:26:04,901 --> 00:26:07,367 - That sucks. - Totally. 503 00:26:07,434 --> 00:26:11,367 But I get what it's like to have a lot of questions about your Dad. 504 00:26:11,434 --> 00:26:13,400 I'm gonna make sure you live to get yours answered. 505 00:26:25,367 --> 00:26:27,267 He's just ordered us to give him the heir. 506 00:26:31,567 --> 00:26:34,200 - I told him it's not going to happen. - Just throw it. 507 00:26:40,667 --> 00:26:42,901 Ashes to ashes and dirt to dirt. 508 00:26:47,667 --> 00:26:49,601 Shouldn't he be melting or something? 509 00:26:51,434 --> 00:26:54,801 It'll be a cold day in hell before I destroy the Earth with bottled water. 510 00:26:54,868 --> 00:26:56,868 Like anyone's gonna know the difference. 511 00:26:58,734 --> 00:27:01,334 I just had an atypically vivid daydream. 512 00:27:06,701 --> 00:27:09,067 Duncan! Duncan! 513 00:27:09,133 --> 00:27:12,033 Where's our son? 514 00:27:28,968 --> 00:27:32,534 Roxy Wasserman. MM, darling, how much do you love me? 515 00:27:32,601 --> 00:27:34,200 Did you get a direct hit? 516 00:27:34,267 --> 00:27:36,934 Did the Terracotta Warrior die magnificently? 517 00:27:39,467 --> 00:27:42,467 What? Where are you now? 518 00:27:42,534 --> 00:27:48,133 On our way. Should be there in... one minute 54 seconds, give or take. 519 00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:50,501 Garbage truck! 520 00:27:50,567 --> 00:27:54,067 Seatbelt please. The life you save may be your own. 521 00:27:54,133 --> 00:27:57,634 Yes, Roxy, I'm looking forward to seeing you too. 522 00:27:57,701 --> 00:28:01,100 OK, buh bye. 523 00:28:01,167 --> 00:28:06,167 "Buh bye?" A boy taken from his parents and a thousand years of fire and that's all you got? 524 00:28:06,234 --> 00:28:10,567 I see no need to forgo simple courtesy, and it doesn't seem to be raining fire yet. 525 00:28:10,634 --> 00:28:14,634 One of those rare times I'm thankful the road to the underworld is long, burdensome. 526 00:28:14,701 --> 00:28:16,567 Does she know it's Lacey's fault? 527 00:28:16,634 --> 00:28:18,167 Now is not the time to cast blame. 528 00:28:18,234 --> 00:28:20,567 It's not even Lacey's fault. It's mine. 529 00:28:20,634 --> 00:28:24,567 For driving her into that den of fur, succubus, and anorexia. 530 00:28:24,634 --> 00:28:27,901 We can talk about it after we've liberated the world from certain doom. 531 00:28:27,968 --> 00:28:29,300 - Stop doing that. - What? 532 00:28:29,367 --> 00:28:31,367 "Don't talk until the world is undoomed. 533 00:28:31,434 --> 00:28:34,400 You can't cry until you've reached the international safehouse. 534 00:28:34,467 --> 00:28:36,634 You have 40 seconds to save your friendship. " 535 00:28:36,701 --> 00:28:38,567 - These rules exist for a reason. - Why? 536 00:28:38,634 --> 00:28:41,267 I don't have time to explain right now. 537 00:28:44,167 --> 00:28:48,767 Everything's under control, darlings. We're whipping up a new Vial of Aquatic Banishment. 538 00:28:48,834 --> 00:28:52,901 It was all the fault of that vapid and useless new assistant of mine. 539 00:28:52,968 --> 00:28:55,501 Hey. That's my roommate you're talking about. 540 00:28:56,868 --> 00:28:58,334 Wait. Where is she? 541 00:28:58,400 --> 00:28:59,868 Gone. 542 00:28:59,934 --> 00:29:02,767 Good. Wait. Gone where? You didn't...? 543 00:29:02,834 --> 00:29:04,367 She's been dealt with. 544 00:29:04,434 --> 00:29:05,467 Define "dealt with. " 545 00:29:06,901 --> 00:29:08,567 Wendy. Roxy would never... 546 00:29:08,634 --> 00:29:10,467 I said "define dealt with. " 547 00:29:11,534 --> 00:29:13,901 Your sidekicks's got spunk, MM. 548 00:29:13,968 --> 00:29:16,133 Relax, sidekick. 549 00:29:16,200 --> 00:29:21,234 I fired her. See, everyone's a winner. Shall we get to business? 550 00:29:26,667 --> 00:29:30,234 The Warrior will take the old road to the underworld. It's long and inefficient. 551 00:29:30,300 --> 00:29:33,234 Stupid ancients and their mistrust of modern technology. 552 00:29:33,300 --> 00:29:35,234 Still time to cut him off on the road? 553 00:29:35,300 --> 00:29:38,934 If you're up for battling unspeakable horrors that no mortal has ever survived, 554 00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:40,901 then by all means, cut him off on the road. 555 00:29:40,968 --> 00:29:44,100 You should hold all questions until the end of the demonstration. 556 00:29:44,167 --> 00:29:47,267 The new route was created this century. It's modern, comfortable, 557 00:29:47,334 --> 00:29:49,968 and most important... direct. 558 00:29:50,033 --> 00:29:51,200 - Then that means... - Yes. 559 00:29:51,267 --> 00:29:52,868 - Means what? - You know the danger. 560 00:29:52,934 --> 00:29:54,968 - It has to be done. - What has to be done? 561 00:29:55,033 --> 00:29:57,300 Your sidekick will be a hindrance. You must go alone. 562 00:29:57,367 --> 00:29:58,634 - Go where? - I can't go alone. 563 00:29:58,701 --> 00:30:00,968 Somebody has to hold the Vial of Aquatic Banishment. 564 00:30:01,033 --> 00:30:03,033 Yes. Your hands will be full with the Scythe. 565 00:30:03,100 --> 00:30:04,501 What Scythe? 566 00:30:04,567 --> 00:30:07,133 - The Scythe of Muadru. - That's the question you answer? 567 00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:09,667 She can handle it. I have the utmost faith in her. 568 00:30:09,734 --> 00:30:12,400 - She's like her roommate. - I take that as a compliment. 569 00:30:12,467 --> 00:30:14,334 - Vapid and useless. - Am not. 570 00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:16,033 See? There. It's settled. 571 00:30:16,100 --> 00:30:18,300 - She's going. - Going where?! 572 00:30:18,367 --> 00:30:20,400 All Succubi report to your stations. 573 00:30:20,467 --> 00:30:22,868 We're opening the door to the underworld. 574 00:30:29,234 --> 00:30:32,434 Lacey! Lacey! Wait! Are you OK? 575 00:30:32,501 --> 00:30:37,200 I can't believe Roxy Wasserman canned me for trying to save the environment. 576 00:30:37,267 --> 00:30:38,434 It's her loss. 577 00:30:38,501 --> 00:30:39,934 I'm so mad at myself! 578 00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:42,400 Why'd I have to pull that stunt with the water? 579 00:30:42,467 --> 00:30:44,267 So much I wanted to accomplish here. 580 00:30:44,334 --> 00:30:46,000 Anything I can do to cheer you up? 581 00:30:46,067 --> 00:30:47,467 No. 582 00:30:49,267 --> 00:30:51,033 I need my Dub Dub. 583 00:30:51,100 --> 00:30:52,501 What's that? 584 00:30:52,567 --> 00:30:54,868 It's my best friend. 585 00:30:54,934 --> 00:30:58,234 Who I'm sort of fighting with right now. 586 00:30:58,300 --> 00:31:02,634 She's kind of always there to bail me out. Sometimes literally. 587 00:31:02,701 --> 00:31:04,567 Are you sure there's nothing I can do? 588 00:31:09,334 --> 00:31:14,300 Actually, I can think of one thing that would make me feel a whole lot better. 589 00:31:22,100 --> 00:31:25,634 The Scythe of Muadru allows the living to navigate the Underworld. 590 00:31:25,701 --> 00:31:28,467 If I let go for a second, we'll be stuck there for eternity. 591 00:31:28,534 --> 00:31:30,234 Which is why your job is so important. 592 00:31:30,300 --> 00:31:33,467 Hold the little girly bottle. Hand it to you when you need it. 593 00:31:33,534 --> 00:31:35,200 I got it the first three times. 594 00:31:35,267 --> 00:31:38,901 My redundancy is only a reflection of the importance of this assignment. 595 00:31:38,968 --> 00:31:40,767 The Underworld is full of temptations, 596 00:31:40,834 --> 00:31:44,868 personal and emotional enticements that would tax the strongest of mortals. 597 00:31:44,934 --> 00:31:46,434 You think I can't handle it? 598 00:31:46,501 --> 00:31:49,234 - I think... - I know what you think. Been hearing it all day. 599 00:31:49,300 --> 00:31:52,167 "Saving the world requires focus. " 600 00:31:52,234 --> 00:31:54,734 Look, I'm a multitasker. 601 00:31:54,801 --> 00:31:58,434 Ability to defeat evil and deal with emo at the same time. 602 00:31:58,501 --> 00:32:00,067 It's like my superpower. 603 00:32:00,133 --> 00:32:03,467 Personally, I've never had emo that didn't interfere with the job. 604 00:32:03,534 --> 00:32:05,534 I find that hard to believe. 605 00:32:05,601 --> 00:32:07,934 I mean, that you've ever had emo. 606 00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:10,267 Ann Arbor High School, 1991. 607 00:32:10,334 --> 00:32:14,100 Oh, jeez. Way to reach for a recent example. 608 00:32:14,167 --> 00:32:16,567 Fred Butler was a quarterback with a bright future. 609 00:32:16,634 --> 00:32:20,167 Big Ten scouts were coming to watch him play. He was running a play against Adrian. 610 00:32:20,234 --> 00:32:21,701 Game was in the bag. 611 00:32:21,767 --> 00:32:24,200 One of his line men couldn't wait to run off the field. 612 00:32:24,267 --> 00:32:25,767 That was you, right? 613 00:32:25,834 --> 00:32:27,634 I had a gal cheering for me in the stands. 614 00:32:27,701 --> 00:32:29,534 Before the game she'd given me a mix tape. 615 00:32:29,601 --> 00:32:31,067 Is "mix tape" a euphemism for... 616 00:32:31,133 --> 00:32:34,067 No. The play was called, the ball was snapped. 617 00:32:34,133 --> 00:32:36,300 All I could think about was that Bryan Adams song, 618 00:32:36,367 --> 00:32:38,834 how much I loved the girl who'd given me that tape. 619 00:32:38,901 --> 00:32:41,434 That's, uh... kinda sweet I guess. 620 00:32:41,501 --> 00:32:43,133 No, Dubbie. It was pathetic. 621 00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:44,934 Your words. Not mine. 622 00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:47,334 Fred was my man and I was supposed to have his back. 623 00:32:47,400 --> 00:32:51,400 But instead, I'm whistling that stupid song from Robin Hood. 624 00:32:51,467 --> 00:32:56,167 The next thing I heard was the sickening wet crunch when his knee hit the turf. 625 00:32:56,234 --> 00:33:00,767 Fred had three operations before we graduated high school, but he never played again. 626 00:33:00,834 --> 00:33:02,834 You can't be sure that was your fault. 627 00:33:02,901 --> 00:33:04,934 No. But I am sure I could have prevented it. 628 00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:08,200 Life sometimes scatters you. It happens. 629 00:33:08,267 --> 00:33:10,200 Not since then. And not for us. 630 00:33:10,267 --> 00:33:12,367 I will always give you 100 percent. 631 00:33:12,434 --> 00:33:14,534 I hope I can expect the same in return. 632 00:33:15,834 --> 00:33:18,467 The Underworld awaits. 633 00:33:22,467 --> 00:33:25,801 Powers of the world beneath, spirits of the dead, 634 00:33:25,868 --> 00:33:27,434 powers of the planes beyond, 635 00:33:27,501 --> 00:33:31,467 spirits of the restless, grant us passage through your realms! 636 00:33:31,534 --> 00:33:33,968 Grant us strength in our journey! 637 00:33:34,033 --> 00:33:37,000 grant us courage in this travail, 638 00:33:37,067 --> 00:33:39,467 grant us speed in our crossing, 639 00:33:39,534 --> 00:33:41,467 grant us fortune in our quest. 640 00:33:43,567 --> 00:33:45,467 Open the door! 641 00:33:47,334 --> 00:33:52,868 Open the door! 642 00:34:00,934 --> 00:34:03,133 This is the underworld? 643 00:34:04,734 --> 00:34:06,701 Horrifying, isn't it? 644 00:34:12,234 --> 00:34:14,367 So all those temp jobs really were hell on earth. 645 00:34:14,434 --> 00:34:15,801 What do you mean? 646 00:34:15,868 --> 00:34:17,968 It was a joke. 647 00:34:18,033 --> 00:34:20,501 You know, because this is supposed to be the Underworld 648 00:34:20,567 --> 00:34:23,767 but instead, it looks just like a boring old office building. 649 00:34:23,834 --> 00:34:27,334 Sands of Zanzibar! You see an office building? 650 00:34:27,400 --> 00:34:29,167 Yeah. You don't? 651 00:34:29,234 --> 00:34:31,701 I see a field. Wild. 652 00:34:31,767 --> 00:34:33,901 Overgrown. Barbaric. 653 00:34:33,968 --> 00:34:36,901 Look over there. A feral rabbit. 654 00:34:36,968 --> 00:34:38,033 Seriously? 655 00:34:38,100 --> 00:34:41,133 No. I see an office building. 656 00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:44,300 Wow. Somebody's funny in the Underworld. 657 00:34:46,200 --> 00:34:48,300 - Which way? - I'm not sure. 658 00:34:48,367 --> 00:34:50,868 We'll have to ask at the information desk. 659 00:34:56,033 --> 00:34:57,701 What's in all those files? 660 00:34:57,767 --> 00:34:59,601 - Heard of The Book of The Dead? - Sure. 661 00:34:59,667 --> 00:35:01,267 That was version 1.0. 662 00:35:01,334 --> 00:35:04,334 Now the dead are catalogued in a proprietary system of files. 663 00:35:04,400 --> 00:35:07,033 Much like our own Dewey Decimal System. 664 00:35:07,100 --> 00:35:10,501 There's a record of everyone who's ever died? 665 00:35:10,567 --> 00:35:13,634 For being an infinitely massive vale of shadows and mystery, 666 00:35:13,701 --> 00:35:15,701 this place is surprisingly well-organized. 667 00:35:18,200 --> 00:35:21,601 Dangnabit. Service down here has gone to pot. 668 00:35:27,133 --> 00:35:28,400 Have you been helped? 669 00:35:30,300 --> 00:35:33,267 - Oh, you're alive. - Yes. And hoping to stay that way. 670 00:35:33,334 --> 00:35:36,100 We're looking for a Terracotta Warrior and his boy hostage. 671 00:35:36,167 --> 00:35:37,400 I hate the living. 672 00:35:37,467 --> 00:35:39,901 And we'll be skedaddling out of your way posthaste 673 00:35:39,968 --> 00:35:43,767 but not until we resolve some unfinished business with our warrior friend. 674 00:35:43,834 --> 00:35:46,901 You just missed him. Thousand Years of Fire Room. 675 00:35:46,968 --> 00:35:49,434 Guns of Navarone! How did he beat us here? 676 00:35:49,501 --> 00:35:52,434 Upstairs. End of the hall. 677 00:35:52,501 --> 00:35:54,033 Better hurry. 678 00:35:54,100 --> 00:35:56,400 Let's roll, Dubbie. 679 00:36:02,534 --> 00:36:04,267 I need you to look someone up for me. 680 00:36:15,868 --> 00:36:18,367 His name is Peter Watson. My Dad. 681 00:36:18,434 --> 00:36:21,601 Peter Watson? Sure. Piece of cake. 682 00:36:21,667 --> 00:36:24,501 Or maybe you'd like me to find a specific Joe Smith. 683 00:36:24,567 --> 00:36:26,200 That's not at all inconvenient. 684 00:36:31,467 --> 00:36:34,567 I know Watson is an annoyingly common name. 685 00:36:34,634 --> 00:36:37,868 OK, believe me. It's my cross to bear too. But please. 686 00:36:37,934 --> 00:36:40,167 Look, I know you're dead. 687 00:36:40,234 --> 00:36:42,734 Or something, so you probably don't even have emotions. 688 00:36:42,801 --> 00:36:45,000 But please try to understand. 689 00:36:45,067 --> 00:36:46,901 I was 14 when my father disappeared. 690 00:36:46,968 --> 00:36:52,033 I've spent my entire life wondering if he's still alive. 691 00:36:52,100 --> 00:36:54,934 This is my Holy Grail. 692 00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:56,868 This is my Rosebud. This is... 693 00:36:56,934 --> 00:36:59,334 Not working on me, hon. 694 00:37:03,567 --> 00:37:06,501 Oh. 695 00:37:07,567 --> 00:37:09,100 Can't kill the dead, can I? 696 00:37:09,167 --> 00:37:12,501 No. But you're funny. 697 00:37:14,067 --> 00:37:16,434 Oh, what the hell. What was the name again? 698 00:37:16,501 --> 00:37:17,701 Peter Watson. 699 00:37:26,334 --> 00:37:28,200 Was he by any chance with the Luftwaffe? 700 00:37:28,267 --> 00:37:33,067 No. Uh, he flew a DC-3. Fixed wing. American. 701 00:37:34,000 --> 00:37:34,934 OK. 702 00:37:54,367 --> 00:37:57,367 Dubbie! Now! The Vial! 703 00:37:57,434 --> 00:37:59,300 Dubbie? 704 00:37:59,367 --> 00:38:02,300 OK, here we go. 705 00:38:02,367 --> 00:38:05,200 - You found it? - I found the right year. I'm close. 706 00:38:05,267 --> 00:38:06,868 Wendy! 707 00:38:08,467 --> 00:38:09,634 Wendy! 708 00:38:15,267 --> 00:38:17,200 Wendy! 709 00:38:17,267 --> 00:38:19,701 I think I found your answer. 710 00:38:20,801 --> 00:38:22,367 Where the hell did she go? 711 00:38:22,434 --> 00:38:24,834 Watson, I need you! 712 00:38:24,901 --> 00:38:26,901 - I'm sorry. I was... - Let's go! Move! 713 00:38:33,868 --> 00:38:35,701 Come on! 714 00:38:41,033 --> 00:38:43,300 Don't look back! 715 00:38:43,367 --> 00:38:45,033 Dubbie! 716 00:38:45,100 --> 00:38:47,601 Dubbie now! Come on! 717 00:38:53,868 --> 00:38:55,100 Throw it! 718 00:39:02,033 --> 00:39:03,534 She's gonna blow! 719 00:39:28,567 --> 00:39:30,801 I don't know about you, but I need some chocolate. 720 00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:38,467 I said chocolate, people! The good kind. 721 00:39:41,400 --> 00:39:43,901 - I want my dad. - I hear ya. 722 00:39:53,267 --> 00:39:54,934 - So. - Yeah. 723 00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:57,434 Do we need to post-mortem? 724 00:39:57,501 --> 00:39:59,501 It may have an unfortunate double meaning 725 00:39:59,567 --> 00:40:03,033 but I assure you I mean it solely in the recap sense of the word. 726 00:40:03,100 --> 00:40:06,167 You were right. I let personal stuff get in the way. 727 00:40:06,234 --> 00:40:10,067 Wendy, it's one thing to set aside a fight with your roommate, 728 00:40:10,133 --> 00:40:13,701 but some things walk beside you your whole life. 729 00:40:13,767 --> 00:40:15,601 The world could have ended. 730 00:40:15,667 --> 00:40:18,834 But it didn't. You came through in the end. That's all that matters. 731 00:40:22,267 --> 00:40:23,734 So what now? 732 00:40:23,801 --> 00:40:25,834 It looks like we have all the time in the world 733 00:40:25,901 --> 00:40:28,567 if you'd like to have some kind of emotional breakdown. 734 00:40:28,634 --> 00:40:31,133 Kinda numb right now. 735 00:40:31,200 --> 00:40:33,767 But I appreciate the offer. 736 00:40:33,834 --> 00:40:38,601 You know, all this Middleman stuff. 737 00:40:39,801 --> 00:40:41,734 I think my dad would have been proud. 738 00:40:45,667 --> 00:40:47,701 Maybe he still is. 739 00:40:52,234 --> 00:40:54,534 I didn't think I'd hear myself say this, Trevor, 740 00:40:54,601 --> 00:40:56,667 but I really love these furs. 741 00:40:56,734 --> 00:40:59,300 It's just so great we're getting to keep so many. 742 00:40:59,367 --> 00:41:02,200 Thanks for helping me carry them out. I don't know how... 743 00:41:02,267 --> 00:41:04,834 He sucked her soul out! Son of a bitch! 744 00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:09,868 Wendy? What are you doing? 745 00:41:11,033 --> 00:41:13,267 Uh... I got these for you. 746 00:41:13,334 --> 00:41:15,234 To apologize. 747 00:41:15,300 --> 00:41:20,167 And to tell you how much I admire your soul. 748 00:41:22,334 --> 00:41:24,467 Maybe I should give you girls a minute. 749 00:41:28,434 --> 00:41:29,534 Are those really for me? 750 00:41:29,601 --> 00:41:31,968 Uh, No. 751 00:41:32,033 --> 00:41:34,534 They were kinda sorta to smash Trevor over the head 752 00:41:34,601 --> 00:41:38,667 for luring you into a soulless life of fur-wearing 753 00:41:38,734 --> 00:41:41,100 because that's totally not who you are in any way. 754 00:41:41,167 --> 00:41:42,634 You'd do that for me? 755 00:41:42,701 --> 00:41:44,100 I am your best friend. 756 00:41:45,334 --> 00:41:47,367 A girl could go to prison for braining a guy. 757 00:41:47,434 --> 00:41:50,200 I know, I just get so mad 758 00:41:50,267 --> 00:41:53,701 when I see people doing the wrong thing I have to take a stand. 759 00:41:53,767 --> 00:41:56,334 I just wish my best friend would understand that. 760 00:41:58,300 --> 00:42:00,667 That's why I love you. 761 00:42:02,367 --> 00:42:03,834 Ladies. 762 00:42:03,901 --> 00:42:05,467 OK. 763 00:42:05,534 --> 00:42:08,133 Why are homeless men walking around in mink? 764 00:42:09,367 --> 00:42:11,701 I have to show you something. 765 00:42:11,767 --> 00:42:13,567 When Roxy Wasserman offered me this job, 766 00:42:13,634 --> 00:42:16,267 I figured all I had to do was hang in there long enough 767 00:42:16,334 --> 00:42:18,834 to get to the fur room and go all Carrie Prom Night II. 768 00:42:18,901 --> 00:42:21,701 but after Trevor finally got me into the fur room 769 00:42:21,767 --> 00:42:25,033 I started thinking about everything you said. 770 00:42:25,100 --> 00:42:29,467 And I thought, WWWWD. 771 00:42:29,534 --> 00:42:33,734 WWWWD. 772 00:42:33,801 --> 00:42:36,667 What would Wendy Watson do? 773 00:42:38,501 --> 00:42:42,567 The minks already lost their lives. I can't do anything about that. 774 00:42:42,634 --> 00:42:46,367 But I can make sure their ultimate sacrifice is used for good, not evil. 775 00:42:48,067 --> 00:42:51,634 You still committed grand larceny. You stole all those coats. 776 00:42:51,701 --> 00:42:54,567 - I talked Roxy into donating them. - You did? 777 00:42:54,634 --> 00:42:57,767 She was so busy she barely noticed I was still in the building. 778 00:42:57,834 --> 00:43:01,601 She told me to take the furs because the world's going to hell anyway. 779 00:43:01,667 --> 00:43:04,033 Oh, Lacey, that is so... 780 00:43:04,100 --> 00:43:05,934 - Mature? - ... awesome. 781 00:43:06,033 --> 00:43:08,067 I know, right? 63143

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