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NARRATOR: A new era begins.
Henry VII receives his crown.
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# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
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# Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
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# It's all in separate episodes
In separate episodes
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# In separate episodes
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# The complete and utter
This complete and utter
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# This complete and utter history
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# Episode four. #
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Good evening.
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We start tonight with
the first Tudor king, Henry VII.
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His right to the succession
was constantly challenged
12
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by imposters like Perkin Warbeck,
who posed as Richard, Duke of York,
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one of the two princes
who were murdered in the Tower,
14
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ten years earlier.
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By making Perkin Warbeck pretend to
be Prince Richard returned to life,
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the Earl of Warwick
hoped to claim the throne
17
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for his own wicked purposes.
18
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Come back with me now to 1493
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as Perkin Warbeck faces
King Henry for the first time.
20
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My liege, I bring you someone
who you may perhaps have forgot.
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What fresh mischief is this,
Warwick?
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No mischief, my liege.
HE CLAPS
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I bring you now the face of truth.
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Who is this boy? I know him not.
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Name thyself, boy.
Oh.
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I'm Richard, Duke of York,
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presumed murdered in the Tower
in 1483,
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but by cunningly turning over
onto one side
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and breathing through a piece
of straw, I avoided suffocation.
30
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And after hiding for three weeks
in a nearby laundry basket,
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I escaped from the Tower
by tying 12 sheets together
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and lowering myself from a window,
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eating the sheets as I went,
thus leaving no trace.
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I fled to Flanders
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where I've remained
these ten years since, waiting.
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To claim the throne.
What?
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To claim the throne.
To claim the throne.
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Ah!
For I am Richard, Duke of Warbeck.
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Ah! Perkin, Duke of York.
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Richard, Duke of York.
And not an impersonator.
41
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But the prince would be
a mere lad of 13.
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And so he is, my liege.
43
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Is that not so, Richard?
44
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Richard? Perkin!
Ooh!
45
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Me? Oh, yes.
46
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HIGH-PITCHED:
Yes, I am but a mere lad of 13.
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The same age as Richard
would have been... Er, is.
48
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As Richard is.
As I am, for I am Richard.
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I am he, of course I am,
I'm only 13. Sorry.
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The lad is confused, Your Majesty,
but how say you?
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Is not this not the very prince...?
Also...
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Shut up.
Right.
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We shall see, my Lord Warwick,
for there is one sure sign.
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As I recall, the young prince
had a birthmark on his left thigh.
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Right thigh.
56
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Left thigh.
57
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I've got it on my right thigh.
58
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The prince's mark
was on his left thigh.
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Er... Do, er, birthmarks
move around at all?
60
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No, they do not.
No.
61
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Oh, I've just remembered
an important appointment.
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I must be gone.
I will return to claim...
63
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Guards, seize these men.
64
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Both fools who seek to usurp
this sacred throne.
65
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Get thee hence,
66
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and know that I, Henry,
rightful king of England,
67
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do scorn thee
for the fools thou art.
68
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I also do archbishops, earls,
policemen, farmyard animals.
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Pea brain!
70
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Well done, Frank,
you had 'em fooled there.
71
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IN SILLY VOICE:
Yes, I'm getting better, aren't I?
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The Tudor period was full of
magnificent artistic achievements -
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paintings, wood carvings,
74
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rich ornamentation,
beautiful objects.
75
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And here to put the Tudor arts
into perspective for us
76
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is Professor Weaver.
77
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Oh, I've got some absolutely
fantastic things to show you.
78
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This is a complete collection.
79
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It's the whizzo collection
of early Tudor treasures
80
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which I bought at
the Al Mambo Galleries in Cairo
81
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for £15/17/6.
82
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Fantastic early Tudor treasures.
Now look at this. What have we here?
83
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Do you know what that is?
I know what that is. It's a brick.
84
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Probably dropped
by Henry VII himself, you see.
85
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And here, that's a...
that's a milk bottle.
86
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That's, er, United Dairies.
87
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Well, that shows that United Dairies
88
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was still going strong in 1486,
you see.
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Incredible to think
that Henry VII himself
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might have drunk
from that very bottle.
91
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Incredible. Almost impossible.
92
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There's a sock.
93
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If there's another one of those,
we're in luck.
94
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And a bicycle pump.
95
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I thought there was something fishy
when they tried to sell me
96
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Mary Queen of Scots'
football pullover for £5/10.
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Tudor treasures, my foot.
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SMASHING
Oh, dear.
99
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Er, can I start again, sorry?
100
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Thank you. Yeah, only... Yeah.
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Ah, good evening.
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This evening, I've got with me
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an amazing collection
of early Tudor treasures,
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and I intend...
105
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to give away these treasures
to the nation.
106
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For £15/17/6 or nearest offer.
107
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Now, come on, how much am I bid?
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Come on, £17. £16...
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APPLAUSE
DROWNS OUT SPEECH
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1474.
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Quite right, I'm so sorry, 1476.
Thank you.
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1476 was a memorable year.
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For it was then that William Caxton
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set up the first printing press
in England.
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The spread of reading
and the printed word had begun.
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But in those early days, rather
like the early days of television,
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a book was a rare
and treasured possession.
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KNOCK AT DOOR
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Oh, damn,
just as it was getting interesting.
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Put the lights on, would you, dear?
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Oh, Celia.
- Richard.
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Hello, Richard, how are you?
123
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Hello, Madge, darling.
It's Celia and Trevor.
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Hello, Madge, just popped in.
We can't stop.
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How lovely to see you.
How are you? Are you well?
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Good heavens, look, Trevor,
they've got a book.
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- Oh, so they have.
- How super!
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We were just shutting it, actually.
Marvellous.
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Do sit down. We toyed with the idea
of getting one, didn't we, darling?
130
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Yes, we did. We decided against it,
don't know why.
131
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Well, of course, we only look
at the odd page here and there.
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Some of them are quite interesting.
133
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Of course,
there is an awful lot of rubbish.
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Oh, I hope we haven't
stopped you looking at it.
135
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Oh, good heavens, no, there's
nothing we wanted to read tonight.
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THEY LAUGH
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Although of course,
if you'd like to look at it...
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Well...
Yes.
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ALL: No, no, no.
Surely no. Indeed.
140
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I mean, I could open it,
if you want.
141
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:07,960
Oh, no, Richard, don't bother,
honestly, really. Really.
142
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No, we're actually quite pleased
with this one.
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It is very, very reliable.
144
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What sort is it?
It's a Bible.
145
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Oh, yes,
I've heard they're very good.
146
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They are, they are.
They're very easy to open.
147
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Come on, Richard, I'm sure
you're dying to show it to us.
148
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Oh, just a quick look, dear.
Yes, come on, Richard.
149
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:31,320
OK, well, if you really want to.
Shall I open it?
150
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No, no, I'll do it, dear.
I'll do it.
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Erm...
Which page shall I show them, dear?
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44, dear, that's a good one.
Yes. Right.
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Er... There, 44.
154
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Just...
Stop fiddling with it, dear.
155
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Just getting it right and smooth.
156
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Ah.
Super.
157
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Yes.
It is rather good, isn't it?
158
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And look, if you come
a bit closer... Come on.
159
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If you look closely,
you can see each page
160
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:03,960
is made up of a lot of little lines,
do you see?
161
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,960
I see. Oh, isn't it complicated?
Yes.
162
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Don't touch it, no.
163
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While I'm only going
to turn the page over.
164
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I'm still a bit nervous about it,
though. Do be careful.
165
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All right, all right.
I'll have a go. Oh, yes.
166
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Don't shut it, er...
167
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Well, look, it is a book,
it's meant to be opened and shut.
168
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Yes, but the man in the shop
said it was bad
169
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to keep opening and shutting it all
the time. Oh, let Trevor shut it.
170
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Oh, well,
but really be careful about it.
171
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I'll be very careful.
Gently. Yes.
172
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ALL: Oh!
THEY LAUGH
173
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I didn't exactly hurt it, did I?
174
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No, no, it's just these books
are so jolly new,
175
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I'm still a bit nervous of them.
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THEY LAUGH
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EXPLOSION
178
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Silly, really, I suppose.
I'll get used to them.
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It's the Bloody Tower.
180
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The ghost of Anne Boleyn
walks this night as every night.
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OWL HOOTS
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BRUSHING
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Anne Boleyn.
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The second and perhaps
most tragic wife of Henry VIII.
185
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There can't be many people who don't
know what Henry VIII looked like.
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Henry VIII, the Renaissance ideal
of the young, dashing prince...
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...who won his subjects' devotions,
not by politics,
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but by his infectious gaiety
and by his prowess as a sportsman.
189
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ANNOUNCER:
And now, Sportsman of the Year!
190
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And this year, the unanimous vote
191
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:13,480
has gone
to His Majesty King Henry VIII.
192
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
193
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
STOPS
194
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Yes, it's the centre court
at Hampton Court
195
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:25,960
where Henry first makes his mark.
196
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:27,960
Just watch this service.
197
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:31,960
It's an ace! Well done, Henry.
198
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:34,000
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
199
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:39,960
Now it's archery.
200
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,960
Just watch how he gets the arrow
smack on target.
201
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,960
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
202
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,960
And on the running track, too,
203
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,960
this sporting king shows his paces
against England's best.
204
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:06,000
PISTOL FIRES
205
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:24,160
Yes, he's done it again!
206
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:26,960
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
207
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,960
Just look how his amazing new style
gets him over the high jump.
208
00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:39,960
He's going up. Will he make it?
209
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,960
Yes, he's cleared it.
He's cleared it.
210
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,960
What a fantastic performance!
211
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:48,960
Watch it now in slow motion.
212
00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:50,000
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
213
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,960
Notice how he gets
one foot over first...
214
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:54,960
and here comes the other foot
right behind.
215
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:58,960
Yes, he certainly leads the world
in high-jump technique.
216
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,960
And he's not finished yet.
217
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:13,160
Yes, another record
for England's number one king.
218
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:16,960
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
219
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:19,320
Here's his latest wife,
Anne of Cleves.
220
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:22,960
INDISTINCT
221
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:46,960
Yes, well, may we say
well done Henry VIII,
222
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,960
Sportsman of the Year!
223
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:51,960
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
224
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:02,960
No study of Henry VIII
would be complete
225
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:03,960
without a look at his wives.
226
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,960
It's sometimes difficult to remember
just how many wives he had
227
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or in what order he married them
or who in fact they were.
228
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,960
Bear with me now
as we go over to Professor Weaver.
229
00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:17,960
Oh, well, it's all history.
230
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:23,480
Henry VIII, as we all know,
had six wives, six whole wives.
231
00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:25,960
And what I want to ask tonight
is why?
232
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,960
Why should Henry VIII have six wives
233
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:31,960
when I've been going out
with Maureen Spencer for three years
234
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:33,960
and haven't even been
asked in for a coffee?
235
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:34,960
All right, Henry VIII.
236
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:38,480
Well, Henry VIII's first wife
was Catherine of Aragon.
237
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:40,960
A young and, by all accounts,
extremely attractive
238
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:42,960
dark-haired Spanish lady,
239
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,960
not unlike the Hendersons'
au pair girl.
240
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:48,960
Smooth-skinned, dusky, mysterious,
241
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:52,960
sitting cross-legged on the settee
playing her Max Jaffa.
242
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:53,960
Not that I've actually seen her,
243
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,960
but I've heard Max Jaffa
coming up the stairs.
244
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:57,960
Well, I think it's ridiculous.
245
00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:01,960
In this day and age, when I want
to go out to the Odeon with Maureen,
246
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:04,000
her mother comes along, too.
247
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,960
Well, it's very embarrassing for me,
248
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:08,960
and there's not room
for three of us in two seats.
249
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:11,960
Of course, Henry VIII, you see,
when he wanted to get rid of one,
250
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:16,960
he divorced Catherine of Aragon,
married Anne Boleyn in 1533,
251
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:20,960
and three years later, he'd
fallen in love with Jane Seymour,
252
00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:23,960
a willowy, wispy little creature,
no flesh on her.
253
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:24,960
That's what surprises me.
254
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:28,960
I like big girls, myself,
I make no mark about it. I do.
255
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:31,000
I wish I hadn't mentioned
Dorita Franco, I really do.
256
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:34,800
But anyway, Henry VIII, you see,
once he got fed up with Anne Boleyn,
257
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:36,960
off with her head,
got rid with her.
258
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,480
On, straight onto the next one.
259
00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:41,960
The same with his fourth wife,
Catherine Howard.
260
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:43,960
Off with her head,
onto the next one.
261
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:47,960
That's just what they like.
A bit of masculine aggression.
262
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:49,480
I've got an axe.
263
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,960
That's the genuine article.
264
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,960
Maureen, put on the coffee,
I'm coming over.
265
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:10,960
In 1547, Henry VIII died,
266
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,960
and we move on to the troubled reign
of Edward VI.
267
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:16,320
Very little is known
of this young, scholarly man
268
00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:20,000
except that he built a large number
of public schools,
269
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,960
far too many for
the scant population of those days,
270
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:25,960
so there must have been
a severe shortage of pupils.
271
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:34,960
All right, quiet now, settle down.
Settle down, settle down!
272
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:37,960
Roll call, please, Mr Partridge.
273
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,640
- Potter.
- Sir.
274
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:44,960
- Smith.
- Sir.
275
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,960
They're all here, sir.
276
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,960
Well, thank you, Mr Partridge.
277
00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:55,800
I'd like to welcome you all - both -
278
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:57,960
to this, your first term
279
00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:02,960
in the latest school to be founded
by His Majesty, King Edward VI.
280
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:05,960
Hip, hip, hooray. Hip, hip, hooray.
Hip, hip, hooray.
281
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:11,960
Our first communal activity will be
the singing of the school song.
282
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:13,480
HE WHISPERS
283
00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:16,960
Our first communal activity
will be a competition
284
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:19,960
to write the school song.
285
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:23,960
All entries to Mr Bacharach
before the end of assembly.
286
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,960
Now, the school will be divided
into eight forms,
287
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:30,960
four of which will be Potter
and four of which will be Smith.
288
00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:35,960
The finals
of the one-a-side rugby competition
289
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:39,960
will be between Potter and Smith.
290
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:40,960
MASTER: Jolly good.
291
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:41,960
Meals.
292
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,960
All meals will be taken
in the great assembly hall,
293
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:47,960
in two sessions
just to help the caterers.
294
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:52,960
Potter, you can sit on table four,
295
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:54,960
Smith can sit
on all the other tables.
296
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,960
Absentees.
297
00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:02,960
Now, if Potter goes absent,
then Smith will become Potter.
298
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:03,960
But if Potter...
299
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:09,160
If Smith goes absent,
then Potter will still remain Potter
300
00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:12,960
but will also be known officially
as Smith.
301
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:13,960
Is that clear?
302
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:18,960
Now, if Potter and Smith
both go absent,
303
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:20,960
then we shall have
to fill in with the masters.
304
00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:24,960
So, now, Mr Partridge,
you can be the lower fourth,
305
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:28,320
Mr Murphy, you can be
the fifth form. Stop eating.
306
00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:31,960
And Mr Sopwith, you can be matron.
307
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:33,960
Oh, goody!
308
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:37,960
Now, has any boy any questions?
309
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:43,160
Put down your hand, Mr Murphy,
you are a master today, not a boy.
310
00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:46,800
Don't want people to think
we don't know what we're doing.
311
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:50,800
This is a new school,
I'm new, and you're new,
312
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:52,800
and our first most difficult problem
313
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:56,960
is to establish the proper
master-pupil relationship.
314
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:57,960
I...
315
00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:01,960
Smith. Smith. You're not listening.
316
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:03,960
You're so jolly boring, sir.
THEY SPLUTTER
317
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:06,960
- Smith.
- Yeah?
318
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,960
- You're smelly.
- So is Potter.
319
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:13,960
Yes. Gah! Oh, you rotten weed!
320
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,320
Come on, staff, strike them!
321
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:18,960
THEY SHOUT
322
00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:36,960
So much for education.
323
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:40,960
It is 1557, and the King of England
is Queen Mary.
324
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:45,960
Now,
what kind of woman was Mary Tudor?
325
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:48,480
Well, a recently unearthed statue
shows us
326
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,960
that she was small
with a badly chipped nose.
327
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:54,800
Her reign was a series of disasters,
328
00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:56,960
but perhaps the most galling loss
to Englishmen
329
00:19:56,960 --> 00:20:00,960
was the loss of our final possession
in France, Calais.
330
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:08,960
For years, England's military might
had held the French in subjection.
331
00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:12,960
But eventually,
the French army developed
332
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,960
such cunning and devilish
fighting techniques
333
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:19,960
that it was no longer possible
for the English to resist.
334
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:25,960
MUSIC: 'La Marseillaise'
335
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:52,480
INDISTINCT
336
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:08,960
THEY SHOUT
337
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:57,960
HE EXHALES
338
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:02,960
Ugh! Garlic! Garlic, lads!
339
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:04,960
They only eat garlic!
340
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:20,960
HE PLAYS JAUNTY TUNE
341
00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:25,960
ENGLISHMEN GROAN
342
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:46,960
And so, on that Beaujolais-stained
battlefield of Calais,
343
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:49,320
England lost her last possession
in France.
344
00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:53,480
From now on, she had to look further
afield for success and glory,
345
00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:56,960
so join us next week
in the golden age of Elizabeth
346
00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:57,960
when you can...
347
00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:02,160
Marvel at the mighty pen
of William Shakespeare!
348
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:15,960
Discover the truth
about Elizabeth I!
349
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:25,960
See Sir Francis Drake sail the world!
350
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:43,960
Watch Sir Walter Raleigh discover
Virginia with Sir Humphrey Gilbert!
351
00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:46,960
Virginia!
352
00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:54,320
Yes, the naked truth revealed
in next week's
353
00:23:54,320 --> 00:23:57,960
Complete And Utter History
Of Britain.
354
00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:04,960
# The Complete And Utter History
Of Britain
355
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:08,960
# Complete And Utter History
Of Britain
356
00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:12,800
# It's all in separate episodes
In separate episodes
357
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:23,960
# The Complete And Utter History
Of Britain
358
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:27,960
# It's all in separate episodes
In separate episodes
359
00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:29,960
# In separate episodes
360
00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:33,960
# Complete and utter
It's complete and utter
361
00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:40,960
# It's complete and utter history. #
28409
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