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BELL RINGS
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NARRATOR: 1307.
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Edward I lies on his deathbed.
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Warwick.
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WEAKLY: Warwick!
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My dearest friend.
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There's something
I've always wanted to say.
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00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:38,960
And now, at last, I can.
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00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:43,960
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrob
wllllantysiliogogogoch!
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Oh!
That was good, Your Majesty.
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# The complete and utter
history Of Britain
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# The complete and utter
history Of Britain
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00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:01,960
# It's all in separate episodes
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00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:03,960
# In separate episodes
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00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:05,960
# In separate episodes
In separate episodes
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# Complete and utter
It's complete and utter
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# This complete and utter history. #
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# Episode Three. #
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00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:24,640
Good evening.
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00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:25,960
And welcome, once again,
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00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:27,960
to The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain.
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00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:29,960
Tonight you join us
in the 14th century.
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The date - 1337.
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Edward III has led England
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00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:36,960
into a long series of bitter wars
with France.
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00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:40,960
The conflict became known as
the Hundred Years War,
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owing to its length.
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00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:45,960
And to give you some idea,
the excitement and glamour
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00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:48,960
of this epic struggle
for the domination of a continent,
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00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:50,960
over to Professor Weaver.
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ALARM BLARES
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00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:55,960
Oh.
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00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:58,960
May I start by saying
how terribly happy I was
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00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:02,960
when I was asked to talk to you
about the Hundred Years War?
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00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:04,960
Because it's my pet subject.
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00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:06,960
That and cooking, I love cooking.
37
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,320
And I love the Hundred Years War.
38
00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:12,960
But, you know, historians are
still divided on so many points.
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00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:15,960
I mean, should you use garlic
with lamb?
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00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:17,960
And is celery binding, you see?
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00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,960
Or should trout have friends?
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00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:23,960
But, of course,
cooking has about as much relevance
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00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,960
to the Hundred Years War
as bird-watching.
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00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:28,000
That curious hobby
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00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:31,960
which used to take me out on long
trips across the Sussex marshes.
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Dressed only in my Wellington boots
and my binoculars.
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What amazing things I saw.
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00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:41,960
The magnificent flight of
the marsh heron,
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00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:44,960
as he swept, swooped
his way across the sky.
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00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:47,960
And then suddenly stalled,
plummeted to earth,
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00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,960
in a great column of flame, with
three Messerschmitts on his tail.
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00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:52,960
They were exciting days.
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00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:54,960
Alone out there on the sand dunes,
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00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:55,960
with Irene,
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00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:56,960
my dachshund.
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And my faithful fiancee, Fido.
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We had such exciting times,
searching for plovers' eggs
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00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:08,960
and re-enacting scenes from the
Hundred Years War.
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00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:10,960
Hundred Years War.
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00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:13,480
I'm sorry. The Hundred Years War
was fought
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00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:17,800
right across the most fertile
food-producing regions of France.
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From Normandy,
of the creamy white cheeses,
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00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:22,960
to Roquefort, Camembert,
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00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,960
to the truffles of Perigord,
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and the full-blooded wines
of Burgundy, Bordeaux and the Seine.
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00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:30,960
The Seine trout.
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00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,960
And the mad salmon!
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I'm slathering, I must have a
small bite, if you'll excuse me.
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00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:40,960
I usually allow myself
a small repast at this hour.
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00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:44,960
I always find Hundred Years War
so entirely satisfying.
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00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:49,960
It goes on and on for so long, yes,
never too much of it for me.
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00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:50,960
Oh, excuse me.
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Next week, I shall be talking to you
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00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:58,960
about the financial stricture of
Tudor England... structure, sorry.
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00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:02,960
And, of course, the workings of the
Poor Law.
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00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:05,320
When they used to give
away food free!
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00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:07,640
Stupid fools.
Not me, they.
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00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:08,800
Sure.
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APPLAUSE
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00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,160
1348.
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00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:21,000
The year of the Black Death.
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00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,640
The deadly plague
swept over the country.
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00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:25,960
But in the 14th century,
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00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:28,960
doctors were totally unprepared
for an epidemic of this nature.
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00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:30,960
Their lack of medical equipment
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00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:33,960
was only matched by their lack
of medical knowledge.
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00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:38,960
HE SIGHS
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00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,960
BIRD CHITTERS
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00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:45,960
Well, Sir Montague, it doesn't look
like we can do much else for you.
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You'd better stay there
until we can have you cleared away.
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00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:52,160
Next, please.
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00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:53,960
Ooh, oh...
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00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:54,960
Oh, ooh.
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00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:57,320
What's your trouble this time?
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00:04:57,320 --> 00:05:01,960
Well, Doctor, I fell ten foot
off a cart onto a stone floor.
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00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:03,960
Ah, Black Death.
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00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:04,960
Lots of it about.
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00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:08,960
Here, swallow a live newt,
you'll soon be better.
99
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,960
You gave me a newt
last time, Doctor.
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00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:12,960
And I brought it up, and a hedgehog!
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00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:14,960
Well, if you will swallow hedgehogs.
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00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:16,960
You told me to.
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00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:18,960
What for?
Indigestion.
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00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,640
No, no, no.
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00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:22,480
Squirrels for indigestion!
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00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:23,960
Hedgehogs are for constipation.
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Just, just...
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00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:27,960
Just slip your jacket off,
let me look.
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00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:30,960
Yes.
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00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,960
There's nothing wrong with that.
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00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,320
Good material.
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00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:37,960
Now, have you had
the Black Death before?
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00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:39,960
I haven't got the Black Death, Doctor.
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00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:41,960
That's all boils and sores
and headaches.
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00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,960
Oh, is it really?
How very unpleasant.
116
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:47,960
And you haven't got it?
No, I've got a pain in me leg.
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00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:49,960
Oh, you're still taking the toads?
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00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:51,960
Yes, but they don't
seem to be doing any good.
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00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,960
Oh, I see. Well, where does it hurt?
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00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:55,800
It's me knee, Doctor.
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00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:56,960
Your knee?
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00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:57,960
Erm...
HE CLEARS THROAT
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00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:00,960
Would you mind showing me
where that is on the map?
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00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:03,640
Yes, Doctor, it's there.
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00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:04,800
Oh!
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00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:05,960
That's the knee, is it?
127
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:08,480
Well, if that's the knee,
what's that bit?
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00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:10,320
Those are elbows, Doctor.
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00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:11,960
Elbows?
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00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:12,960
Not tonsils?
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00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:14,640
No, Doctor.
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00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:15,960
Oh, dear.
133
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,960
No wonder his arms fell off.
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00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:21,960
Oh, well, only one thing for it.
What's that, Doctor?
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00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:23,960
Dead pigeons.
Oh, no!
136
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,960
Pigeons! Wrap them round your legs
before you go to bed.
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00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:27,960
But first of all,
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00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:30,960
smear your body with moss
and fresh turnip juice
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00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:32,960
from Pilchard's Meadow.
140
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,960
Oh, no. And put 16
earthworms under your pillow
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00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:37,960
and a dead bat in your tea.
Not the bat, no!
142
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,800
On the third Sunday
after the first full moon,
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00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,960
dance naked round the fairy circle.
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00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:46,960
Then nip down to the magic sycamore
in Carver's Wood.
145
00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:48,960
Ask for Ned, the creepy goblin.
Ooh!
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00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:50,960
And will he cure it, Doctor?
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00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:52,960
No, but he'll give you some
penicillin to take the pain away.
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Next, please!
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00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,640
APPLAUSE
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00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:02,960
And now, our Heroes Of History
competition.
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00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,320
A random selection of my friends
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00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:07,320
were asked to give points out of a
hundred for their favourite heroes.
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00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,160
And here are the results so far.
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00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:11,960
Bottom was Bede, with .5%.
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00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:13,960
Julius Caesar next, with 18%.
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00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:16,000
Boadicea
and Cliff Michelmore - 24%.
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00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,960
That's quite a surprise, that one.
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00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:21,800
But overwhelmingly first
was Henry V.
159
00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:23,960
And he wins a holiday for two
in the Potteries.
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00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:29,480
Henry V, son of Henry IV,
parts I and II,
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00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:30,960
was born to be a hero.
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00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,960
A young and glamorous warrior king,
Shakespeare's portrait of him
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00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:36,960
is perhaps the most acted part
on the English stage today.
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But what was Henry V really like?
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00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:43,000
Come back with me to the year 1415
and the Battle of Harfleur.
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FANFARE
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SOLDIERS CLAMOUR
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00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,960
Once more unto the breach,
dear friends, once more.
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Or fill the wall up
with our English dead.
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00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:59,960
In peace there's nothing
so becomes a man as...
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Prompt.
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MAN: Modest stillness.
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Modest stillness!
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00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:09,960
...modest stillness and humility.
SWORDS CLANK
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00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:14,480
Oh, hello.
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00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:17,320
We, in the English Army,
are very keen on amateur dramatics.
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00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:19,960
At the moment, we are rehearsing
the Battle of Harfleur.
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00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,960
Next week, we're going on to do
the Battle of Agincourt.
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00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,960
Which is a super scene, and I'm not
just saying that because I win.
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00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:26,960
Anyway,
if you'll excuse me a moment,
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00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:27,960
the men'll be in battle soon,
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00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:29,960
and I haven't quite finished
exalting them. OK?
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00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:31,960
Stick around.
184
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,000
Now, then, troops.
185
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:34,960
Troops!
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00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,960
A word about make-up.
187
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:37,960
Don't just slap it on,
188
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:39,800
use it to highlight the features,
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00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:41,640
bring out the natural
shape of the face.
190
00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:42,960
And the same with costumes.
191
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:43,960
Don't overdress.
192
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:45,960
And one final thing,
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00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:47,480
remember to give all the shields
back to Ken
194
00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:49,960
at the end of the battle.
All right?
195
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:52,800
Well, let's get in line
and take it from the top.
196
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:53,960
HE CLAPS ONCE
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00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:00,960
And cue battle.
198
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:01,960
FANFARE
199
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:04,960
Once more unto the breach,
once more.
200
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:07,960
Or close the wall up for England.
201
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:10,960
Come on, Sandy, love,
where are you?
202
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:12,960
I like that, Alan, love,
keep hitting.
203
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:15,960
In peace there's nothing
so becomes a man...
204
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:16,960
Hey!
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00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:20,320
You're supposed to be leading an
infantry charge, not a choir outing.
206
00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:22,000
Look a bit fiercer, for God's sake!
207
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:23,960
HENRY GRUNTS
208
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:24,960
Ooh, you brute!
209
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,960
Stiffen the sinews,
summon up the blood,
210
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:29,960
disguise fair nature with...
211
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:30,960
Frank, come on!
212
00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:32,160
Stiffen, stiffen, that's it.
213
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:33,800
Nice and rigid!
214
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:37,480
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect!
215
00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:40,960
Doug? Dougie, love, can you lend it,
lend it? Head up.
216
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:42,960
Mm. Terrible. Mm!
217
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:45,960
Fathers that,
like so many Alexanders...
218
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,960
Get back!
219
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,960
I say!
220
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:53,960
...have in these parts
from morn till even...
221
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,960
Hold it! Hold it!
222
00:09:57,960 --> 00:09:58,960
I'm sorry.
223
00:09:58,960 --> 00:09:59,960
It's the French again.
224
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:01,960
They've got all the moves wrong.
225
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:04,960
Excusez-moi, duckies!
226
00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:06,960
But we win, remember!
227
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,960
And you've got to move back
much quicker than that.
228
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:10,480
THEY GROAN
229
00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:12,960
You have, my loves, because we win.
230
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,160
Oh, no.
231
00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:16,320
We've been over all this before.
232
00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:17,960
You start to move back.
233
00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:21,960
On my line,
"Fathers, like so many Alexanders."
234
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:23,960
THEY SCOFF
235
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,960
I did not say it wrong!
236
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:27,960
FRENCH SOLDIERS CLAMOUR
237
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,160
All right, well, you try and say it.
238
00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:30,960
You couldn't even hold
a lance properly,
239
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:32,960
let alone deal
with a 34-line speech.
240
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,800
HE SCOFFS
Le boeuf!
241
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:35,960
Ooh!
242
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:38,960
Don't you dare call me that!
243
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:39,960
When you've been acting
for 12 years,
244
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:41,480
you can say something like that.
245
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:42,960
THEY MUMBLE
246
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:44,960
Right, that does it!
247
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,960
Come on, lads,
real swords this time.
248
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:48,960
We'll show these French how to act.
249
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,960
You bitches!
250
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:55,960
ROARING
251
00:10:58,800 --> 00:10:59,960
APPLAUSE
252
00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:02,960
Hello again.
253
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:06,960
The year is 1422,
254
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,960
the throne of England passes
to Henry VI.
255
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:13,960
At this time, he was a mere babe
in arms, only nine months old.
256
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:16,960
This infant king
257
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:20,480
was soon dubbed, by the rough and
ready wit of his fellow Englishmen,
258
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:22,480
the Infant King.
259
00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:26,320
The qualities he showed as a child
stayed with him all his life.
260
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,960
He was humble, simple, devout.
261
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:32,960
And despised by everybody.
262
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:37,640
Except, perhaps, by Humphrey,
Duke of Gloucester.
263
00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:38,960
The Lord Protector.
264
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,960
Or Nan-Nan, as he was known.
265
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:44,960
Such a weak ruler
was a sharp contrast
266
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:48,960
to the ruthful, the ruthless,
I should say, pragmatist
267
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:52,960
who seized the throne in 1483 -
Richard III.
268
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:53,960
Who is so often connected
269
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,960
with the death of his nephews,
the princes, in the tower.
270
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,960
But could Richard really
have been involved?
271
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:01,960
Could he have been such a monster?
272
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:05,960
THUNDER BOOMS
273
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,800
What time was the baby-sitter
meant to come?
274
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:11,960
About an hour ago.
275
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:13,960
Well,
we simply can't wait any longer,
276
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:14,960
we'll just have to go.
277
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:15,960
KNOCK ON DOOR
278
00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:17,960
Ah! About time too.
279
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:24,960
Good evening.
280
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:28,960
Who are you?
I'm the baby-sitter.
281
00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:30,320
The baby-sitter.
282
00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:31,960
Oh, thank goodness you've arrived.
283
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,960
We were beginning to think
you weren't coming.
284
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:36,000
Not coming? What do you mean,
not coming?!
285
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,160
So you think I'm a liar?
286
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:38,960
No, no, it's just that...
287
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:41,480
Miss Phillips at the agency
said you'd be here by seven.
288
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:44,960
One hour late, one hour.
289
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:46,960
Is it a crime? Is it a scene, huh?
290
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,480
No, no, I'm sure my husband
didn't mean anything like that.
291
00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:50,960
Mr...?
King!
292
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:51,960
King, I'm King!
293
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:53,000
Mr King.
294
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:54,960
Well, look, Mr King, we must be off.
295
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:57,960
There's a chicken in the kitchen
for you. A dead chicken?
296
00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,640
Well, yes, of course.
297
00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:02,800
No, I kill my own food
with my own hands.
298
00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:03,960
Slowly!
299
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:05,960
Oh, I see, fine.
300
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,800
Well, that should keep you busy.
301
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:10,960
If there's anything you want,
just let us know. Yes!
302
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:12,960
A knife, two pillows
and a piece of rope.
303
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,960
Yes. Could you get Mr King
a knife, please, dear?
304
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:16,960
A large knife!
305
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:18,960
And there's a couple of pillows
on our bed you can use.
306
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:20,960
And there's a rope in the chest.
307
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:21,960
Ah!
308
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,960
Good. Ha-ha.
309
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:25,960
Good.
310
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:28,160
Now, where are they?
311
00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:30,960
Oh, yes, of course, you'll be
wanting to see the children.
312
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:32,640
They're asleep in the next room.
313
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:33,960
Bless their little souls.
314
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:35,800
Amen!
315
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:38,960
Don't they look little angels?
316
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:41,640
Sleeping there so peacefully.
317
00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:43,480
Do you like children, Mr King?
318
00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:45,000
When I can get them...
319
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:46,960
Get on with them.
320
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,000
CHUCKLING
321
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:49,960
The little dears!
322
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:51,960
Well, look, we really must be off.
323
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:54,960
We leave them in your hands.
324
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,480
I hope they don't
cause you any trouble.
325
00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:59,960
Oh, they won't.
Do they, er, scream much?
326
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:03,960
Oh, no, I'm sure
they won't disturb you. Good, good.
327
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,160
Darling, I know
you're going to think me silly,
328
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:08,960
but there's just something
I don't like about him.
329
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:11,960
No, nonsense, he's probably just
a rather lonely person.
330
00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:14,960
I'm sure he's going to frighten
the children.
331
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:16,800
Well, they probably won't see him.
332
00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:17,960
CHILDREN SCREAM
333
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:19,960
Damn! They saw me.
334
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,960
Oh, you naughty children!
335
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,960
Damn, the brats, they've ruined it!
336
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,480
Yes, they are going to make us
a bit late, I'm afraid.
337
00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:29,960
I'll tear them limb from limb!
338
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:30,960
Oh, come, come.
339
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,960
Don't be so hard on them.
340
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:35,960
They're probably just, probably just
a little frightened by your hunch!
341
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:36,960
Don't mention that!
342
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,960
Don't even look at it,
it drives me mad!
343
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:40,960
Mad!
344
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:42,960
Mad, I say, mad!
345
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:44,960
I'm sure they'll be all right now.
346
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:48,000
Ah, that's nice, Mr King.
Making yourself at home.
347
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:49,640
Yes.
348
00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:51,960
Nice and comfy.
349
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:52,960
Now go, go.
350
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:55,960
Yes, come on, we can't wait a minute
longer. We'll be back about one.
351
00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:56,960
Yes, yes. Get out!
352
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,000
Goodbye.
353
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:01,960
Get out,
before they start screaming
354
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:03,960
in earnest!
355
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:04,960
Ha-ha-ha.
356
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:07,640
Well, I'm very pleased he turned up.
357
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:10,320
I wouldn't like to have left those
children by themselves. Yes.
358
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:11,960
CHILDREN SCREAM
359
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,000
Oh, dear.
360
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,960
They're going to be difficult.
361
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,960
BOTH: Poor Mr King.
362
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,960
Argh!
363
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:21,960
Argh! Get it off!
CHILDREN SCREAM HAPPILY
364
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:23,480
Argh!
365
00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:25,960
MR KING SCREAMS
366
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:27,960
APPLAUSE
367
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:37,960
The death of Richard III
368
00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:39,960
marked the end
of the Wars of the Roses.
369
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:43,480
Richard died in the mud
at Bosworth Field in 1485.
370
00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:46,640
But tonight, Professor Weaver
sheds new light
371
00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:49,960
on this final defeat of the
House of York. Professor Weaver.
372
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,320
Oh, hello.
373
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:55,960
I'm going to talk to you about
the Battle of Bosworth Field.
374
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:58,960
But before I do,
I want to show you a letter.
375
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:02,960
Now, it's a letter that was,
erm, written from the field,
376
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,960
Battle of Bosworth Field,
by an unknown soldier
377
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:07,960
whose name escapes me at the moment.
378
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:09,960
Written to his mother.
379
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:12,320
And in it, he gives vivid
descriptions of the actual battle.
380
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:15,800
The very death of Richard the...
Richard III.
381
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:16,960
Of course, yeah.
382
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:17,960
Now, this is the actual...
383
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:21,960
Oh, now, that's typical.
Now, where did I...?
384
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:24,960
I'm sorry about this, but it's
rather important I find it.
385
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,000
It may be less
important to you than to me,
386
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:29,960
but I'd like to see it
before I continue.
387
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:31,960
Oh, this is too much.
388
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:34,960
Bosworth Field, of course,
is in Leicestershire.
389
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,960
As, of course, is...
390
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,480
Er...
391
00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:40,960
Leicester.
392
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:42,000
I suppose.
393
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:43,960
Oh, yes.
Now...
394
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:45,960
That's more like it.
395
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:46,960
Erm...
396
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:49,960
HE CHUCKLES
Oh...
397
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:51,000
Twinkle.
398
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:52,960
Oh, she was a fun girl.
399
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,960
I'm sure I had something once
and she got it.
400
00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:58,960
Now, let's look in the files.
401
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:00,960
Oh.
402
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,160
That's typical, you see.
403
00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:05,160
No wonder there's chaos,
fancy putting a cat in under H.
404
00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,960
Better leave it in there,
otherwise I'll never find it,
405
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,960
not that I'm likely
to look in there again.
406
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,960
Bosworth Field, as I said,
is directly west of, erm...
407
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:15,960
Leicester, and, er...
408
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:18,480
there's a very charming
little man down there.
409
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:19,960
Give him a couple of shillings,
410
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,320
he'll show you round
the whole field.
411
00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:22,960
For a couple of shillings more,
412
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,320
he'll give you a couple
of postcards, some of which...
413
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:27,960
It's filthy up here, you know,
absolutely disgusting.
414
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:29,480
I'll have to get the whole place
taken down.
415
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:30,960
I've no idea
where the darned letter is.
416
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:34,960
I say, it's near Nuneaton,
Bosworth Field, if you're interested
417
00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:36,000
in finding Bosworth Field.
418
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,960
I'm more interested in finding
the letter at this moment.
419
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:40,960
It's nowhere near Crouch End,
of course,
420
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,960
where I have a cousin,
also a Weaver.
421
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:44,960
Nor near Deptford,
where I have lunch on Mon...
422
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:46,960
Look, I don't think
I'm gonna find it.
423
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:49,320
Why don't you try
turning on to the other channel?
424
00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:50,960
Maybe it's more interesting there.
425
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,960
Erm, look, I wish you'd go away.
426
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:54,960
Give a man bit of privacy.
Heaven's sake.
427
00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:59,960
Mercifully, we seem to
have lost Professor Weaver.
428
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:03,000
So, let us turn to a subject
which fired men's imaginations
429
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:06,960
throughout the Middle Ages,
courtly love. Found it!
430
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:11,960
Just before Geoffrey Chaucer
died in 1400,
431
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,960
he completed a film...
Found it!
432
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:16,960
...which deals frankly and fearlessly
433
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:19,960
with the difficult problems
of courtly love.
434
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:21,960
I found it. Isn't that lucky?
435
00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:23,960
Yes, extremely.
Now, would you mind...?
436
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,160
It was in my raincoat pocket
all the time.
437
00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:26,960
I never wear it.
Now, erm...
438
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:28,960
Would you mind if I...?
Oh, dear.
439
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:29,960
Yes. Dated Monday.
440
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:33,960
It says, "Dear Mother,
I'm terribly excited,
441
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,480
"as I shall be appearing
on television tomorrow.
442
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:37,960
"The..."
443
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:39,960
Oh...
444
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:40,960
Oh, dear.
445
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:43,960
Thank you, Professor Weaver.
446
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,960
APPLAUSE
447
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:56,480
And now for our first-ever
viewing of the unpublished film
448
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,960
Geoffrey Chaucer's
Rules Of Courtly Love.
449
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:01,960
WISTFUL MEDIEVAL MUSIC
450
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,960
It is the desire of every knight
451
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:08,000
to enter into the bliss
of courtly love.
452
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,960
BIRDSONG
453
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:15,960
PING
454
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:22,960
PING
455
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:25,960
And for to prosper in his endeavour,
456
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:30,800
better it is that he should follow
certain rules thereto.
457
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:31,960
HE EXHALES
458
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:33,960
BIRDSONG
459
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:54,960
First, must he find a lady
460
00:19:54,960 --> 00:20:00,960
whose beauty draws him to her,
as if by magic.
461
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:01,960
SCREECHING
462
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:04,960
TAPE WHIRRS
463
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:06,000
And smite of him to the heart.
464
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,960
GONG
465
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:14,320
Then should he seek to gain
her notice
466
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,960
by what means he may.
467
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:17,960
HE WOLF-WHISTLES
468
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,960
To then, should he contrive
to let her know
469
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:27,960
the feelings that control his press.
470
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,960
Now would he win her,
471
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:58,480
he must change his horse
for a noble steed of purest white.
472
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:12,000
He must dress
according to the fashion.
473
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:15,960
With shorter gown
and longer sleeves.
474
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:59,960
Now we see fit to show
himself before his lady fair.
475
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:06,960
RIPPING
476
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:12,960
And though she bid modesty,
477
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:15,960
her blushes bleak
his first approach.
478
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:32,960
If all should fail,
479
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:36,960
let him tell her
that he is her slave
480
00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:40,000
if she would but grant him
a single smile.
481
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:48,960
Then may he sup the truth
of courtly love.
482
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:13,960
APPLAUSE
483
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:24,960
So much for courtly love,
484
00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:26,960
a way of life
that was soon to disappear,
485
00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:30,320
as Britain moved out of the Middle
Ages and into the modern world
486
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:32,960
under the leadership
of the Tudor kings.
487
00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:34,960
So join us again next week and...
488
00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:39,480
Gasp at the amazing rise
of the Tudor monarchs!
489
00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:44,960
Boo the Pope!
490
00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:46,960
Boo!
POPE GASPS
491
00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:50,320
Cringe before Cardinal Wolsey,
492
00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:52,960
the most powerful man in England!
493
00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:55,960
THUNDER RUMBLES
494
00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:02,960
See Anne Boleyn...
495
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:04,960
And Henry VIII battin'!
496
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:06,960
Yes!
497
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:08,960
All this, and Sir Thomas More,
498
00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:12,960
in next week's Complete
And Utter History Of Britain.
499
00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:14,960
APPLAUSE
500
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:18,960
# The complete and utter history
Of Britain
501
00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:22,960
# Complete and utter history
Of Britain
502
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:25,960
# It's all in separate episodes
503
00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:27,960
# In separate episodes
504
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:33,000
# The complete and utter history
Of Britain
505
00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:37,800
# The complete and utter history
Of Britain
506
00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:42,800
# It's all in separate episodes
In separate episodes
507
00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:44,960
# In separate episodes
508
00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:48,960
# Complete and utter
It's complete and utter
509
00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:54,960
# This complete and utter history! #
510
00:24:57,960 --> 00:24:59,960
COIN CLINKS
511
00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:00,960
Thank you, thank you very much.
36711
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