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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:07,960 BELL RINGS 2 00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:19,800 NARRATOR: 1307. 3 00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:22,320 Edward I lies on his deathbed. 4 00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:25,960 Warwick. 5 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:27,960 WEAKLY: Warwick! 6 00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:30,960 My dearest friend. 7 00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:34,960 There's something I've always wanted to say. 8 00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:38,960 And now, at last, I can. 9 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:43,960 Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrob wllllantysiliogogogoch! 10 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:46,960 Oh! That was good, Your Majesty. 11 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:53,960 # The complete and utter history Of Britain 12 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:58,960 # The complete and utter history Of Britain 13 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:01,960 # It's all in separate episodes 14 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:03,960 # In separate episodes 15 00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:05,960 # In separate episodes In separate episodes 16 00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:09,320 # Complete and utter It's complete and utter 17 00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:16,320 # This complete and utter history. # 18 00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:20,960 # Episode Three. # 19 00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:24,640 Good evening. 20 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:25,960 And welcome, once again, 21 00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:27,960 to The Complete And Utter History Of Britain. 22 00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:29,960 Tonight you join us in the 14th century. 23 00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:31,960 The date - 1337. 24 00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:33,960 Edward III has led England 25 00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:36,960 into a long series of bitter wars with France. 26 00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:40,960 The conflict became known as the Hundred Years War, 27 00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:42,960 owing to its length. 28 00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:45,960 And to give you some idea, the excitement and glamour 29 00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:48,960 of this epic struggle for the domination of a continent, 30 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:50,960 over to Professor Weaver. 31 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:52,960 ALARM BLARES 32 00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:55,960 Oh. 33 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:58,960 May I start by saying how terribly happy I was 34 00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:02,960 when I was asked to talk to you about the Hundred Years War? 35 00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:04,960 Because it's my pet subject. 36 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:06,960 That and cooking, I love cooking. 37 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,320 And I love the Hundred Years War. 38 00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:12,960 But, you know, historians are still divided on so many points. 39 00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:15,960 I mean, should you use garlic with lamb? 40 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:17,960 And is celery binding, you see? 41 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,960 Or should trout have friends? 42 00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:23,960 But, of course, cooking has about as much relevance 43 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,960 to the Hundred Years War as bird-watching. 44 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:28,000 That curious hobby 45 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:31,960 which used to take me out on long trips across the Sussex marshes. 46 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:35,480 Dressed only in my Wellington boots and my binoculars. 47 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:38,960 What amazing things I saw. 48 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:41,960 The magnificent flight of the marsh heron, 49 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:44,960 as he swept, swooped his way across the sky. 50 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:47,960 And then suddenly stalled, plummeted to earth, 51 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,960 in a great column of flame, with three Messerschmitts on his tail. 52 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:52,960 They were exciting days. 53 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:54,960 Alone out there on the sand dunes, 54 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:55,960 with Irene, 55 00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:56,960 my dachshund. 56 00:02:56,960 --> 00:03:01,000 And my faithful fiancee, Fido. 57 00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:05,320 We had such exciting times, searching for plovers' eggs 58 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:08,960 and re-enacting scenes from the Hundred Years War. 59 00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:10,960 Hundred Years War. 60 00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:13,480 I'm sorry. The Hundred Years War was fought 61 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:17,800 right across the most fertile food-producing regions of France. 62 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,320 From Normandy, of the creamy white cheeses, 63 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:22,960 to Roquefort, Camembert, 64 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,960 to the truffles of Perigord, 65 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:29,800 and the full-blooded wines of Burgundy, Bordeaux and the Seine. 66 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:30,960 The Seine trout. 67 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,960 And the mad salmon! 68 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:37,000 I'm slathering, I must have a small bite, if you'll excuse me. 69 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:40,960 I usually allow myself a small repast at this hour. 70 00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:44,960 I always find Hundred Years War so entirely satisfying. 71 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:49,960 It goes on and on for so long, yes, never too much of it for me. 72 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:50,960 Oh, excuse me. 73 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:53,960 Next week, I shall be talking to you 74 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:58,960 about the financial stricture of Tudor England... structure, sorry. 75 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:02,960 And, of course, the workings of the Poor Law. 76 00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:05,320 When they used to give away food free! 77 00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:07,640 Stupid fools. Not me, they. 78 00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:08,800 Sure. 79 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:10,320 APPLAUSE 80 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,160 1348. 81 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:21,000 The year of the Black Death. 82 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,640 The deadly plague swept over the country. 83 00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:25,960 But in the 14th century, 84 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:28,960 doctors were totally unprepared for an epidemic of this nature. 85 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:30,960 Their lack of medical equipment 86 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:33,960 was only matched by their lack of medical knowledge. 87 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:38,960 HE SIGHS 88 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,960 BIRD CHITTERS 89 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:45,960 Well, Sir Montague, it doesn't look like we can do much else for you. 90 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:50,960 You'd better stay there until we can have you cleared away. 91 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:52,160 Next, please. 92 00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:53,960 Ooh, oh... 93 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:54,960 Oh, ooh. 94 00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:57,320 What's your trouble this time? 95 00:04:57,320 --> 00:05:01,960 Well, Doctor, I fell ten foot off a cart onto a stone floor. 96 00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:03,960 Ah, Black Death. 97 00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:04,960 Lots of it about. 98 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:08,960 Here, swallow a live newt, you'll soon be better. 99 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,960 You gave me a newt last time, Doctor. 100 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:12,960 And I brought it up, and a hedgehog! 101 00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:14,960 Well, if you will swallow hedgehogs. 102 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:16,960 You told me to. 103 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:18,960 What for? Indigestion. 104 00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,640 No, no, no. 105 00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:22,480 Squirrels for indigestion! 106 00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:23,960 Hedgehogs are for constipation. 107 00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:25,960 Just, just... 108 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:27,960 Just slip your jacket off, let me look. 109 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:30,960 Yes. 110 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,960 There's nothing wrong with that. 111 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,320 Good material. 112 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:37,960 Now, have you had the Black Death before? 113 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:39,960 I haven't got the Black Death, Doctor. 114 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:41,960 That's all boils and sores and headaches. 115 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,960 Oh, is it really? How very unpleasant. 116 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:47,960 And you haven't got it? No, I've got a pain in me leg. 117 00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:49,960 Oh, you're still taking the toads? 118 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:51,960 Yes, but they don't seem to be doing any good. 119 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,960 Oh, I see. Well, where does it hurt? 120 00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:55,800 It's me knee, Doctor. 121 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:56,960 Your knee? 122 00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:57,960 Erm... HE CLEARS THROAT 123 00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:00,960 Would you mind showing me where that is on the map? 124 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:03,640 Yes, Doctor, it's there. 125 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:04,800 Oh! 126 00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:05,960 That's the knee, is it? 127 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:08,480 Well, if that's the knee, what's that bit? 128 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:10,320 Those are elbows, Doctor. 129 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:11,960 Elbows? 130 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:12,960 Not tonsils? 131 00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:14,640 No, Doctor. 132 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:15,960 Oh, dear. 133 00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,960 No wonder his arms fell off. 134 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:21,960 Oh, well, only one thing for it. What's that, Doctor? 135 00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:23,960 Dead pigeons. Oh, no! 136 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,960 Pigeons! Wrap them round your legs before you go to bed. 137 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:27,960 But first of all, 138 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:30,960 smear your body with moss and fresh turnip juice 139 00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:32,960 from Pilchard's Meadow. 140 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,960 Oh, no. And put 16 earthworms under your pillow 141 00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:37,960 and a dead bat in your tea. Not the bat, no! 142 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,800 On the third Sunday after the first full moon, 143 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,960 dance naked round the fairy circle. 144 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:46,960 Then nip down to the magic sycamore in Carver's Wood. 145 00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:48,960 Ask for Ned, the creepy goblin. Ooh! 146 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:50,960 And will he cure it, Doctor? 147 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:52,960 No, but he'll give you some penicillin to take the pain away. 148 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:54,320 Next, please! 149 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,640 APPLAUSE 150 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:02,960 And now, our Heroes Of History competition. 151 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,320 A random selection of my friends 152 00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:07,320 were asked to give points out of a hundred for their favourite heroes. 153 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,160 And here are the results so far. 154 00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:11,960 Bottom was Bede, with .5%. 155 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:13,960 Julius Caesar next, with 18%. 156 00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:16,000 Boadicea and Cliff Michelmore - 24%. 157 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,960 That's quite a surprise, that one. 158 00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:21,800 But overwhelmingly first was Henry V. 159 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:23,960 And he wins a holiday for two in the Potteries. 160 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:29,480 Henry V, son of Henry IV, parts I and II, 161 00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:30,960 was born to be a hero. 162 00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,960 A young and glamorous warrior king, Shakespeare's portrait of him 163 00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:36,960 is perhaps the most acted part on the English stage today. 164 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:38,960 But what was Henry V really like? 165 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:43,000 Come back with me to the year 1415 and the Battle of Harfleur. 166 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,960 FANFARE 167 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:46,960 SOLDIERS CLAMOUR 168 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,960 Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more. 169 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:55,960 Or fill the wall up with our English dead. 170 00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:59,960 In peace there's nothing so becomes a man as... 171 00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,480 Prompt. 172 00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:02,640 MAN: Modest stillness. 173 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:04,960 Modest stillness! 174 00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:09,960 ...modest stillness and humility. SWORDS CLANK 175 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:14,480 Oh, hello. 176 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:17,320 We, in the English Army, are very keen on amateur dramatics. 177 00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:19,960 At the moment, we are rehearsing the Battle of Harfleur. 178 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,960 Next week, we're going on to do the Battle of Agincourt. 179 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,960 Which is a super scene, and I'm not just saying that because I win. 180 00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:26,960 Anyway, if you'll excuse me a moment, 181 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:27,960 the men'll be in battle soon, 182 00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:29,960 and I haven't quite finished exalting them. OK? 183 00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:31,960 Stick around. 184 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,000 Now, then, troops. 185 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:34,960 Troops! 186 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,960 A word about make-up. 187 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:37,960 Don't just slap it on, 188 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:39,800 use it to highlight the features, 189 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:41,640 bring out the natural shape of the face. 190 00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:42,960 And the same with costumes. 191 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:43,960 Don't overdress. 192 00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:45,960 And one final thing, 193 00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:47,480 remember to give all the shields back to Ken 194 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:49,960 at the end of the battle. All right? 195 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:52,800 Well, let's get in line and take it from the top. 196 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:53,960 HE CLAPS ONCE 197 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:00,960 And cue battle. 198 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:01,960 FANFARE 199 00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:04,960 Once more unto the breach, once more. 200 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:07,960 Or close the wall up for England. 201 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:10,960 Come on, Sandy, love, where are you? 202 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:12,960 I like that, Alan, love, keep hitting. 203 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:15,960 In peace there's nothing so becomes a man... 204 00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:16,960 Hey! 205 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:20,320 You're supposed to be leading an infantry charge, not a choir outing. 206 00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:22,000 Look a bit fiercer, for God's sake! 207 00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:23,960 HENRY GRUNTS 208 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:24,960 Ooh, you brute! 209 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,960 Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood, 210 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:29,960 disguise fair nature with... 211 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:30,960 Frank, come on! 212 00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:32,160 Stiffen, stiffen, that's it. 213 00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:33,800 Nice and rigid! 214 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:37,480 Then lend the eye a terrible aspect! 215 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:40,960 Doug? Dougie, love, can you lend it, lend it? Head up. 216 00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:42,960 Mm. Terrible. Mm! 217 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:45,960 Fathers that, like so many Alexanders... 218 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,960 Get back! 219 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,960 I say! 220 00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:53,960 ...have in these parts from morn till even... 221 00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,960 Hold it! Hold it! 222 00:09:57,960 --> 00:09:58,960 I'm sorry. 223 00:09:58,960 --> 00:09:59,960 It's the French again. 224 00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:01,960 They've got all the moves wrong. 225 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:04,960 Excusez-moi, duckies! 226 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:06,960 But we win, remember! 227 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,960 And you've got to move back much quicker than that. 228 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:10,480 THEY GROAN 229 00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:12,960 You have, my loves, because we win. 230 00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,160 Oh, no. 231 00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:16,320 We've been over all this before. 232 00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:17,960 You start to move back. 233 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:21,960 On my line, "Fathers, like so many Alexanders." 234 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:23,960 THEY SCOFF 235 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,960 I did not say it wrong! 236 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:27,960 FRENCH SOLDIERS CLAMOUR 237 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,160 All right, well, you try and say it. 238 00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:30,960 You couldn't even hold a lance properly, 239 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:32,960 let alone deal with a 34-line speech. 240 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,800 HE SCOFFS Le boeuf! 241 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:35,960 Ooh! 242 00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:38,960 Don't you dare call me that! 243 00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:39,960 When you've been acting for 12 years, 244 00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:41,480 you can say something like that. 245 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:42,960 THEY MUMBLE 246 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:44,960 Right, that does it! 247 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,960 Come on, lads, real swords this time. 248 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:48,960 We'll show these French how to act. 249 00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,960 You bitches! 250 00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:55,960 ROARING 251 00:10:58,800 --> 00:10:59,960 APPLAUSE 252 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:02,960 Hello again. 253 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:06,960 The year is 1422, 254 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,960 the throne of England passes to Henry VI. 255 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:13,960 At this time, he was a mere babe in arms, only nine months old. 256 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:16,960 This infant king 257 00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:20,480 was soon dubbed, by the rough and ready wit of his fellow Englishmen, 258 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:22,480 the Infant King. 259 00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:26,320 The qualities he showed as a child stayed with him all his life. 260 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,960 He was humble, simple, devout. 261 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:32,960 And despised by everybody. 262 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:37,640 Except, perhaps, by Humphrey, Duke of Gloucester. 263 00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:38,960 The Lord Protector. 264 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,960 Or Nan-Nan, as he was known. 265 00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:44,960 Such a weak ruler was a sharp contrast 266 00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:48,960 to the ruthful, the ruthless, I should say, pragmatist 267 00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:52,960 who seized the throne in 1483 - Richard III. 268 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:53,960 Who is so often connected 269 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,960 with the death of his nephews, the princes, in the tower. 270 00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:59,960 But could Richard really have been involved? 271 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:01,960 Could he have been such a monster? 272 00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:05,960 THUNDER BOOMS 273 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,800 What time was the baby-sitter meant to come? 274 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:11,960 About an hour ago. 275 00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:13,960 Well, we simply can't wait any longer, 276 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:14,960 we'll just have to go. 277 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:15,960 KNOCK ON DOOR 278 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:17,960 Ah! About time too. 279 00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:24,960 Good evening. 280 00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:28,960 Who are you? I'm the baby-sitter. 281 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:30,320 The baby-sitter. 282 00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:31,960 Oh, thank goodness you've arrived. 283 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,960 We were beginning to think you weren't coming. 284 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:36,000 Not coming? What do you mean, not coming?! 285 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,160 So you think I'm a liar? 286 00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:38,960 No, no, it's just that... 287 00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:41,480 Miss Phillips at the agency said you'd be here by seven. 288 00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:44,960 One hour late, one hour. 289 00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:46,960 Is it a crime? Is it a scene, huh? 290 00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,480 No, no, I'm sure my husband didn't mean anything like that. 291 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:50,960 Mr...? King! 292 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:51,960 King, I'm King! 293 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:53,000 Mr King. 294 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:54,960 Well, look, Mr King, we must be off. 295 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:57,960 There's a chicken in the kitchen for you. A dead chicken? 296 00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,640 Well, yes, of course. 297 00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:02,800 No, I kill my own food with my own hands. 298 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:03,960 Slowly! 299 00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:05,960 Oh, I see, fine. 300 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,800 Well, that should keep you busy. 301 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:10,960 If there's anything you want, just let us know. Yes! 302 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:12,960 A knife, two pillows and a piece of rope. 303 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,960 Yes. Could you get Mr King a knife, please, dear? 304 00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:16,960 A large knife! 305 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:18,960 And there's a couple of pillows on our bed you can use. 306 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:20,960 And there's a rope in the chest. 307 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:21,960 Ah! 308 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,960 Good. Ha-ha. 309 00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:25,960 Good. 310 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:28,160 Now, where are they? 311 00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:30,960 Oh, yes, of course, you'll be wanting to see the children. 312 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:32,640 They're asleep in the next room. 313 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:33,960 Bless their little souls. 314 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:35,800 Amen! 315 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:38,960 Don't they look little angels? 316 00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:41,640 Sleeping there so peacefully. 317 00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:43,480 Do you like children, Mr King? 318 00:13:43,480 --> 00:13:45,000 When I can get them... 319 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:46,960 Get on with them. 320 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,000 CHUCKLING 321 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:49,960 The little dears! 322 00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:51,960 Well, look, we really must be off. 323 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:54,960 We leave them in your hands. 324 00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,480 I hope they don't cause you any trouble. 325 00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:59,960 Oh, they won't. Do they, er, scream much? 326 00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:03,960 Oh, no, I'm sure they won't disturb you. Good, good. 327 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,160 Darling, I know you're going to think me silly, 328 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:08,960 but there's just something I don't like about him. 329 00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:11,960 No, nonsense, he's probably just a rather lonely person. 330 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:14,960 I'm sure he's going to frighten the children. 331 00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:16,800 Well, they probably won't see him. 332 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:17,960 CHILDREN SCREAM 333 00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:19,960 Damn! They saw me. 334 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,960 Oh, you naughty children! 335 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,960 Damn, the brats, they've ruined it! 336 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,480 Yes, they are going to make us a bit late, I'm afraid. 337 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:29,960 I'll tear them limb from limb! 338 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:30,960 Oh, come, come. 339 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,960 Don't be so hard on them. 340 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:35,960 They're probably just, probably just a little frightened by your hunch! 341 00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:36,960 Don't mention that! 342 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,960 Don't even look at it, it drives me mad! 343 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:40,960 Mad! 344 00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:42,960 Mad, I say, mad! 345 00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:44,960 I'm sure they'll be all right now. 346 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:48,000 Ah, that's nice, Mr King. Making yourself at home. 347 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:49,640 Yes. 348 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:51,960 Nice and comfy. 349 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:52,960 Now go, go. 350 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:55,960 Yes, come on, we can't wait a minute longer. We'll be back about one. 351 00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:56,960 Yes, yes. Get out! 352 00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,000 Goodbye. 353 00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:01,960 Get out, before they start screaming 354 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:03,960 in earnest! 355 00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:04,960 Ha-ha-ha. 356 00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:07,640 Well, I'm very pleased he turned up. 357 00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:10,320 I wouldn't like to have left those children by themselves. Yes. 358 00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:11,960 CHILDREN SCREAM 359 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,000 Oh, dear. 360 00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,960 They're going to be difficult. 361 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,960 BOTH: Poor Mr King. 362 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,960 Argh! 363 00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:21,960 Argh! Get it off! CHILDREN SCREAM HAPPILY 364 00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:23,480 Argh! 365 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:25,960 MR KING SCREAMS 366 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:27,960 APPLAUSE 367 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:37,960 The death of Richard III 368 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:39,960 marked the end of the Wars of the Roses. 369 00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:43,480 Richard died in the mud at Bosworth Field in 1485. 370 00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:46,640 But tonight, Professor Weaver sheds new light 371 00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:49,960 on this final defeat of the House of York. Professor Weaver. 372 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,320 Oh, hello. 373 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:55,960 I'm going to talk to you about the Battle of Bosworth Field. 374 00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:58,960 But before I do, I want to show you a letter. 375 00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:02,960 Now, it's a letter that was, erm, written from the field, 376 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,960 Battle of Bosworth Field, by an unknown soldier 377 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:07,960 whose name escapes me at the moment. 378 00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:09,960 Written to his mother. 379 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:12,320 And in it, he gives vivid descriptions of the actual battle. 380 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:15,800 The very death of Richard the... Richard III. 381 00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:16,960 Of course, yeah. 382 00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:17,960 Now, this is the actual... 383 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:21,960 Oh, now, that's typical. Now, where did I...? 384 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:24,960 I'm sorry about this, but it's rather important I find it. 385 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,000 It may be less important to you than to me, 386 00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:29,960 but I'd like to see it before I continue. 387 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:31,960 Oh, this is too much. 388 00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:34,960 Bosworth Field, of course, is in Leicestershire. 389 00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,960 As, of course, is... 390 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,480 Er... 391 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:40,960 Leicester. 392 00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:42,000 I suppose. 393 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:43,960 Oh, yes. Now... 394 00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:45,960 That's more like it. 395 00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:46,960 Erm... 396 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:49,960 HE CHUCKLES Oh... 397 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:51,000 Twinkle. 398 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:52,960 Oh, she was a fun girl. 399 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,960 I'm sure I had something once and she got it. 400 00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:58,960 Now, let's look in the files. 401 00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:00,960 Oh. 402 00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,160 That's typical, you see. 403 00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:05,160 No wonder there's chaos, fancy putting a cat in under H. 404 00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,960 Better leave it in there, otherwise I'll never find it, 405 00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,960 not that I'm likely to look in there again. 406 00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,960 Bosworth Field, as I said, is directly west of, erm... 407 00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:15,960 Leicester, and, er... 408 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:18,480 there's a very charming little man down there. 409 00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:19,960 Give him a couple of shillings, 410 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,320 he'll show you round the whole field. 411 00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:22,960 For a couple of shillings more, 412 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,320 he'll give you a couple of postcards, some of which... 413 00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:27,960 It's filthy up here, you know, absolutely disgusting. 414 00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:29,480 I'll have to get the whole place taken down. 415 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:30,960 I've no idea where the darned letter is. 416 00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:34,960 I say, it's near Nuneaton, Bosworth Field, if you're interested 417 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:36,000 in finding Bosworth Field. 418 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,960 I'm more interested in finding the letter at this moment. 419 00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:40,960 It's nowhere near Crouch End, of course, 420 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,960 where I have a cousin, also a Weaver. 421 00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:44,960 Nor near Deptford, where I have lunch on Mon... 422 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:46,960 Look, I don't think I'm gonna find it. 423 00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:49,320 Why don't you try turning on to the other channel? 424 00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:50,960 Maybe it's more interesting there. 425 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,960 Erm, look, I wish you'd go away. 426 00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:54,960 Give a man bit of privacy. Heaven's sake. 427 00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:59,960 Mercifully, we seem to have lost Professor Weaver. 428 00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:03,000 So, let us turn to a subject which fired men's imaginations 429 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:06,960 throughout the Middle Ages, courtly love. Found it! 430 00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:11,960 Just before Geoffrey Chaucer died in 1400, 431 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,960 he completed a film... Found it! 432 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:16,960 ...which deals frankly and fearlessly 433 00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:19,960 with the difficult problems of courtly love. 434 00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:21,960 I found it. Isn't that lucky? 435 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:23,960 Yes, extremely. Now, would you mind...? 436 00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:25,160 It was in my raincoat pocket all the time. 437 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:26,960 I never wear it. Now, erm... 438 00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:28,960 Would you mind if I...? Oh, dear. 439 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:29,960 Yes. Dated Monday. 440 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:33,960 It says, "Dear Mother, I'm terribly excited, 441 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,480 "as I shall be appearing on television tomorrow. 442 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:37,960 "The..." 443 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:39,960 Oh... 444 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:40,960 Oh, dear. 445 00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:43,960 Thank you, Professor Weaver. 446 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,960 APPLAUSE 447 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:56,480 And now for our first-ever viewing of the unpublished film 448 00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,960 Geoffrey Chaucer's Rules Of Courtly Love. 449 00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:01,960 WISTFUL MEDIEVAL MUSIC 450 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,960 It is the desire of every knight 451 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:08,000 to enter into the bliss of courtly love. 452 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,960 BIRDSONG 453 00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:15,960 PING 454 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:22,960 PING 455 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:25,960 And for to prosper in his endeavour, 456 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:30,800 better it is that he should follow certain rules thereto. 457 00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:31,960 HE EXHALES 458 00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:33,960 BIRDSONG 459 00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:54,960 First, must he find a lady 460 00:19:54,960 --> 00:20:00,960 whose beauty draws him to her, as if by magic. 461 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:01,960 SCREECHING 462 00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:04,960 TAPE WHIRRS 463 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:06,000 And smite of him to the heart. 464 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,960 GONG 465 00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:14,320 Then should he seek to gain her notice 466 00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,960 by what means he may. 467 00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:17,960 HE WOLF-WHISTLES 468 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,960 To then, should he contrive to let her know 469 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:27,960 the feelings that control his press. 470 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,960 Now would he win her, 471 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:58,480 he must change his horse for a noble steed of purest white. 472 00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:12,000 He must dress according to the fashion. 473 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:15,960 With shorter gown and longer sleeves. 474 00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:59,960 Now we see fit to show himself before his lady fair. 475 00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:06,960 RIPPING 476 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:12,960 And though she bid modesty, 477 00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:15,960 her blushes bleak his first approach. 478 00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:32,960 If all should fail, 479 00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:36,960 let him tell her that he is her slave 480 00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:40,000 if she would but grant him a single smile. 481 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:48,960 Then may he sup the truth of courtly love. 482 00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:13,960 APPLAUSE 483 00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:24,960 So much for courtly love, 484 00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:26,960 a way of life that was soon to disappear, 485 00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:30,320 as Britain moved out of the Middle Ages and into the modern world 486 00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:32,960 under the leadership of the Tudor kings. 487 00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:34,960 So join us again next week and... 488 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:39,480 Gasp at the amazing rise of the Tudor monarchs! 489 00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:44,960 Boo the Pope! 490 00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:46,960 Boo! POPE GASPS 491 00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:50,320 Cringe before Cardinal Wolsey, 492 00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:52,960 the most powerful man in England! 493 00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:55,960 THUNDER RUMBLES 494 00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:02,960 See Anne Boleyn... 495 00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:04,960 And Henry VIII battin'! 496 00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:06,960 Yes! 497 00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:08,960 All this, and Sir Thomas More, 498 00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:12,960 in next week's Complete And Utter History Of Britain. 499 00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:14,960 APPLAUSE 500 00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:18,960 # The complete and utter history Of Britain 501 00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:22,960 # Complete and utter history Of Britain 502 00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:25,960 # It's all in separate episodes 503 00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:27,960 # In separate episodes 504 00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:33,000 # The complete and utter history Of Britain 505 00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:37,800 # The complete and utter history Of Britain 506 00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:42,800 # It's all in separate episodes In separate episodes 507 00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:44,960 # In separate episodes 508 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:48,960 # Complete and utter It's complete and utter 509 00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:54,960 # This complete and utter history! # 510 00:24:57,960 --> 00:24:59,960 COIN CLINKS 511 00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:00,960 Thank you, thank you very much. 36711

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