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1
00:00:04,320 --> 00:00:07,640
My name is Thomas,
and I make wheels.
2
00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:10,960
And I'm therefore known
as Thomas the Wheelwright.
3
00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:14,960
My name is Richard,
and I make carts.
4
00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:18,960
I'm therefore known
as Richard the Cartwright.
5
00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:24,960
My name is James, and I make
sausage-knot untying machines.
6
00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:27,960
And I'm therefore known as
James the Loony.
7
00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:31,960
My name is Hebard.
8
00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:36,320
I'm a 12th century earl
and pest control officer.
9
00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:41,800
So remember, it's Earl Hebard
who catches the worm.
10
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:45,960
I'm a 12th century apothecary.
11
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:48,320
I use Herb's, and Herb uses mine.
12
00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:50,960
Don't you, Herb?
That's right, Arthur.
13
00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:56,160
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
14
00:00:56,160 --> 00:01:00,320
# The Complete And Utter History
Of Britain
15
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:03,960
# It's all in separate episodes
16
00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:07,960
# In separate episodes
# In separate episodes
17
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:11,960
# Complete and utter
It's complete and utter
18
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:14,960
# It's complete and utter
19
00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:17,960
# History
20
00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:21,960
# Episode two. #
21
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,960
Good evening,
and welcome to the 12th century.
22
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:27,960
The date is 1192.
23
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:30,960
1192.
24
00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:33,960
Thank you.
25
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:41,960
It is the time of Britain's
greatest warrior king, Richard I,
26
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:45,960
or Richard Coeur de Lion
as he is known to the French police.
27
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:48,800
During the ten years of his reign,
28
00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:52,960
he spent over nine years abroad
on crusades to the Holy Land.
29
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:53,960
So his brief return visits
30
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:56,960
must have been eagerly awaited
by those at home.
31
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,960
FANFARE
32
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:09,960
How long is it since our glorious
King Richard was last at court?
33
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:13,960
Five long years, and may God be
praised for his safe return to us.
34
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:14,960
Aye, for it was God's work
35
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,960
that took him on this crusade
to distant lands.
36
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:18,960
FANFARE
37
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:20,960
The King.
The King.
38
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:21,960
The King.
39
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:24,960
His Gracious Majesty,
King Richard of England.
40
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:25,960
FANFARE
41
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:30,960
Hello, everybody.
42
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:37,960
Bon... bonjour.
43
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:38,960
Guten morgen.
44
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:40,160
O sole mio.
45
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,960
And Iraq.
46
00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:44,960
Well...
47
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:46,960
it's certainly good to be back.
48
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:50,960
Chez maison as they say
sur le continent.
49
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:54,960
Et bien, merci, mon ami.
Toujours, Volkswagen murky.
50
00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:57,480
Ah...
51
00:02:57,480 --> 00:02:58,960
Welcome home, Your Majesty.
52
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:00,960
Our prayers have been answered.
53
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:02,960
The Lord hath granted you
a safe return.
54
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:04,960
He certainly has, mate.
55
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:05,960
Mind you, I wish he'd grant me
56
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:08,640
a plate of eggs and chips
with a good cup of tea, eh?
57
00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:09,960
Have a dolly.
58
00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:14,960
I haven't had a good cup of tea
since 1191.
59
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:15,960
Ta.
60
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:19,960
Well, I expect you're wondering
where I've been, then, eh?
61
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:22,960
Eh?
62
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,960
Eh?! Where have you been,
Your Majesty?
63
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:28,960
HIGH-PITCHED: Where have I been?!
64
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:30,960
Where haven't I been?!
65
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,960
I've been everywhere.
66
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:35,960
Morocco, Algeria...
67
00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:39,800
...Spain, France, Turkey, Gibraltar.
68
00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:41,960
You name it, I've been there.
I could tell you some stories
69
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,960
that'd make the hair jump off
your chest, mate.
70
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,960
A crusade is indeed
a wonderful thing, Your Majesty.
71
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:47,960
Course it is! Course it is!
72
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:49,960
Organised by the Pope, you see.
73
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,960
Everything on party rates.
74
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,960
I tell you,
some of the places we stayed at,
75
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:56,320
you could drink yourself
under the table for a tanner.
76
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,320
And, of course,
one look at the uniform,
77
00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:00,320
and the birds go potty.
78
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:01,960
Ugh!
79
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:05,960
But, Your Majesty, there must be
a wonderful sense of unity.
80
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,800
You're right there, mush.
81
00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:12,960
I remember one night in Naples,
me and Philip Augustus...
82
00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:14,960
The king of France himself, my lord?
83
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,320
That's right.
Phil the Fairy we used to call him.
84
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:22,960
'Cause he doesn't drink, you see.
And I'd had... I'd had a few goblets
85
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:24,960
when in comes this bloody great
Algerian waitress,
86
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,000
you know, enormous...
87
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,960
Your Majesty,
what of the Holy Lands?
88
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,960
The where?
The Holy Lands, Your Majesty.
89
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:33,960
Oh, yeah, anyway, she comes up...
90
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:36,960
Are they safe at last from
the ravaging hand of the infidel?
91
00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:41,800
Yeah, yeah, that's all fixed.
Yeah, yeah.
92
00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:43,960
As a matter of fact, that was
a bit of a washout, that was.
93
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:46,960
I think our next crusade, we'll
leave the Holy Land out altogether.
94
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,960
But, Your Majesty...
95
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:50,960
Here, that's not a bad idea, that.
96
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:52,960
I think I'll mention that
to the Pope.
97
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:54,960
Pope Celestine III!
FANFARE
98
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:57,960
The Pope!
The Pope! The Pope!
99
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:03,800
Dickie, boy!
100
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:04,960
Popey!
101
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:06,960
I've come for the booze-up!
102
00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:08,960
How are you, eh?
103
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:11,960
I was held up in the customs. Here.
104
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:14,000
FANFARE,
BOTH CHATTER
105
00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:22,960
Richard the Lionheart,
106
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:25,960
one of the most astounding cases
in medical history.
107
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:27,960
Now, what of trade
in the 12th century?
108
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:30,960
It was time of experiment
and adventure.
109
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,960
Exploration of the mass market.
110
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:35,320
But who was selling what and how?
111
00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:37,000
DREARY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
112
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Ah...
113
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:43,960
Oh...
MAN: Hard work?
114
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:47,960
Wish you could get it clean
in half the time?
115
00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:51,960
Then you should try...
116
00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:54,960
...water.
117
00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:55,960
UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
118
00:05:56,960 --> 00:06:00,960
Water gets floors really clean
in half the time.
119
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,960
And you can drink it as well.
120
00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:07,960
Food.
121
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,960
Food has... Mmm!
122
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,640
..man appeal!
123
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:15,960
Oh, it's food again.
124
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,480
You are clever.
125
00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:18,960
HARP GLISSANDO
126
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:23,640
CELESTIAL HARP
127
00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:26,960
Soft as dappled sunlight.
128
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,960
Gentle as a summer's breeze.
129
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,960
Pure as a mountain stream.
130
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:36,960
Fresh and lovely as nature itself.
131
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:39,960
Yes, get a woman today.
132
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:46,960
TENSE GLISSANDO
ON HARP
133
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:03,960
Who was Thomas a Becket?
134
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:06,160
What of his religious beliefs?
What of his death?
135
00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,160
What of his weaknesses
and strengths?
136
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:09,960
Over now to Professor Weaver.
137
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,000
Er, w-what of his religion?
138
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,960
W-What of his what?
139
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:17,960
I didn't know
I was going to ask this.
140
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:20,960
Well, I've been preparing a piece
on the Cheyenne Indians.
141
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:23,960
That's the trouble, you see,
they don't tell me anything.
142
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:26,320
Expect historians
to know about everybody.
143
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:29,960
Who was Thomas a Becket?
HE PUFFS
144
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:31,960
I'd like to rephrase that question.
145
00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:33,960
What were the similarities
146
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:36,960
between Thomas a Becket
and Cheyenne Indians?
147
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,960
Well, for a start...
148
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:41,960
...they were both bald.
149
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:43,960
Thomas a Becket - very bald.
150
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:46,320
And the Cheyenne Indians
were bald Indians.
151
00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:49,960
Which was why they were so intent
on collecting scalps,
152
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:53,480
which they used to sew together
to make their wigwams.
153
00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:56,480
Or toupees,
as they used to call them.
154
00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:57,960
Thomas a Becket...
155
00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:00,800
What of his religion?
156
00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:02,960
Well, erm, Thomas a Becket,
157
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:06,800
as we all know,
was not a sun worshipper,
158
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:09,960
BUT this is the interesting point,
the Cheyenne were.
159
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:14,960
Their beliefs were in the mainstream
of occidental pantheistic dualism.
160
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:19,960
Believing in the potency of the sun
as source of both good and evil,
161
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,960
which, of course, it obviously is.
162
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,960
Now, what of
Thomas a Becket's death?
163
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:26,480
Well... Thomas a Becket...
164
00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:29,960
if he'd been killed
by the Cheyenne...
165
00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:34,480
he'd have been ceremonially scalped,
his body carried back
166
00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:38,960
in a rough, bark casing
covered with eucalyptus leaves
167
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:41,960
and weighing about 16 lb.
168
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:46,960
So to sum up, Thomas a Becket was
a bald, non-sun-worshipping person,
169
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:50,960
chiefly remembered for being
the first English Archbishop
170
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:53,960
to be killed by Red Indians.
171
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:55,960
Well, I wonder
if it was the Cheyenne.
172
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:57,160
I don't think
that's even in this book.
173
00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:58,960
One up for them if it was.
174
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,960
Professor Weaver will be talking
later in the programme
175
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:07,960
about Robert the Bruce.
176
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:08,960
Thank you!
177
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:12,960
One of the great landmarks
of our history was the Magna Carta.
178
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:15,320
The first charter
of civil liberties.
179
00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:17,960
For 12 long years,
and three short ones,
180
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:20,960
King John had resisted
the demands of the barons.
181
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:24,960
And tonight, we bring you the scene
from Runnymede in 1215
182
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,960
when this constitutional
breakthrough, the Magna Carta,
183
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:29,960
was finally signed.
184
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:31,960
Mine! Mine!
185
00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:38,320
Ah!
186
00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:40,640
Little boy. Mwah!
187
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:48,320
It's here. Look!
188
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:52,320
We got it!
CHEERING
189
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,320
BOTH GRUNT
190
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:37,960
Welcome back.
191
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,960
And now, The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain presents
192
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:45,800
a special pull-out supplement -
Careers In The Royal Household.
193
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:48,960
If you were a young man in 1300,
194
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,960
what sort of careers
could you expect?
195
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:54,960
Join us now as two court servants
talk about their work.
196
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:58,480
Ted Lupini, Royal Court jester,
197
00:10:58,480 --> 00:11:01,800
one of the great laughter makers
of his time.
198
00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:05,960
Mr Lupini, what in particular
does the King find funny about you?
199
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,960
Breaking plates over my head.
200
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,000
GUFFAWS
201
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:11,960
Is that all?
202
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,960
Oh, yes, tripping me up,
203
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:15,960
throwing water over me,
204
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,960
pushing me in the moat,
covering me with mud.
205
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:21,800
But most of all,
breaking plates over my head.
206
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:23,480
GUFFAWS
207
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:28,160
Mr Lupini,
you are renowned as a joke-teller.
208
00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:30,960
Is there one joke which makes
the King laugh more than any other?
209
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:34,960
Oh, yes. There is this one about
two monks sitting in the bath,
210
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:36,960
and one monk says to the other,
211
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:38,960
"You've got a banana
sticking out of your ear."
212
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:41,960
And the other monk says, "Pardon?"
213
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:42,960
Yes?
214
00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:45,960
Yes?
215
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,960
Well, then His Majesty
breaks a plate over my head
216
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:48,960
and laughs like a drain.
217
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,480
LUPINI LAUGHS
218
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:57,960
How did you start
in the laughter business, Mr Lupini?
219
00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,960
Well, it was an accident, really.
220
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,960
His Majesty saw the accident
and thought it was very funny.
221
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:08,640
And... from then on,
entertainment was in your blood?
222
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:09,960
Well, not really, no.
223
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,960
I didn't have much blood left
after the accident, you see.
224
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:14,800
Oh, excuse me.
225
00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:20,960
LUPINI WHIMPERS,
KING LAUGHS
226
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:24,000
Finally, Mr Lupini,
227
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:27,160
what are your laughter-raising
ambitions for the future?
228
00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:29,960
Well, I do hope to be executed
next summer.
229
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,960
But isn't that a waste
of all the years you've spent
230
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:33,960
reaching this eminent position?
231
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:36,960
Oh, well, it has taken me
a long time to get ahead,
232
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:38,960
I just hope it comes off. Ha!
233
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:45,960
But surely you don't call
being executed a joke?
234
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:47,960
I mean, does it make you laugh,
does it?
235
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:51,800
Oh, no, it doesn't make me laugh.
Of course it doesn't make me laugh.
236
00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:53,640
KING TITTERS
237
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:58,480
I suppose I haven't really got
much of a sense of humour.
238
00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:19,960
A vital member of the royal
household is the food-taster.
239
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:23,320
For the royal person is a regular
target for the poisoner.
240
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:26,960
This is Hubert Fitzroy.
241
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:27,960
A veteran food-taster.
242
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,960
He's been with King Henry
for nearly 30 minutes.
243
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:38,960
The most deadly of poisons
are, of course, just toxins.
244
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:40,960
Cyanide, strychnine,
245
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:42,960
that sort of thing.
246
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:46,800
And they are most commonly found
in this kind of dish.
247
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:49,960
Naturally, before I can say
if the food is lethal,
248
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:52,160
I have to eat it.
249
00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:56,960
Of course... these poisons
act instantaneously.
250
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:59,960
The tongue blackens, swells up.
251
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:03,160
The body perspires freely,
feels as if it's on fire.
252
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:06,960
The teeth drop out,
and in two minutes, you're dead.
253
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:17,960
Yes, it's really very tasty.
HE CHUCKLES
254
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:20,960
Oh! Hm-hm!
255
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:22,960
Blackcurrant tart. My favourite.
256
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,640
Just have a quick taste.
257
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:30,960
HE GROANS
Mr Fitzroy?
258
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:31,960
HE SCREAMS
Mr Fitzroy?!
259
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:35,160
Pleugh! Pleurgh! Ugh...
260
00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:36,960
No sugar.
261
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,960
Ugh... I can't think how he eats it.
262
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:42,960
Is that the end of the meal?
263
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:43,960
Oh, well, not exactly.
264
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:47,960
No. I always do
"just test the cheese".
265
00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:51,960
There is a killer cheese
on the market, but...
266
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:53,960
very rare.
267
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:57,960
Has a most peculiar delayed action.
268
00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:00,960
Just a sharp kick in the back
and you're dead. Huh!
269
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,960
Of course, this is quite delicious.
270
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:05,960
Well, congratulations,
and thank you, Mr Fitzroy.
271
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:07,480
Not at all.
272
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:08,960
All in a day's work.
273
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:10,960
HE LAUGHS
Te...
274
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:13,960
Well, that's interesting.
HE GROANS
275
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:15,960
It's quicker than I thought.
Urgh...
276
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:21,960
Fitzroy, you're... you're fired!
GROANS
277
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:38,960
Now it is Scotland that draws us
like a great magnetic haggis.
278
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:42,960
In 1305, Robert the Bruce
was crowned King of Scotland.
279
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:46,960
We all, of course, know the story
of Robert the Bruce and the spider.
280
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:47,960
But in spite of that,
281
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,960
Professor Weaver is going to tell us
all over again.
282
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,960
Thank you.
283
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,960
In my latest book,
Greater Spiders Of History,
284
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:59,960
I've attempted to assess
the contribution of spiders
285
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,960
to the socio-economic
286
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,960
and constitutional development
of our society.
287
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:07,960
The book has, I'm glad to say,
sold remarkably well,
288
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:11,960
partially due to a revival of
interest in constitutional history,
289
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:17,960
and partially due to the title
on the cover - Nudes Of Scandinavia.
290
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,960
Now, I have been asked
291
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:24,960
why I should have photographs
of nudes from Scandinavia
292
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,320
in full colour
and provocative poses
293
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,000
on the cover of a book
about constitutional history.
294
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:34,160
Well, I say the historian
is interested in facts.
295
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:38,960
And it is a fact that there are
a lot of nude people in Scandinavia.
296
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:40,960
And it's no use our trying
to run away from them.
297
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:42,960
Even if we should want to.
298
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:46,800
All of which brings me
to Robert the Bruce, spiders
299
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:48,960
and their place in Scottish history.
300
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:52,960
After studying 395 million fossils,
301
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:56,640
I went mad and had to spend
several weeks in a cupboard.
302
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:59,960
After which, I discovered
the particular little creature
303
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:03,960
who so inspired Robert the Bruce
to overthrow the English
304
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:06,960
was, in fact,
a Northumbrian grass spider.
305
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,960
Delightful little black and yellow
fellow
306
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,960
with four pairs of grey, hairy legs
307
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,960
and a remarkable knowledge
of military history.
308
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:17,960
The English soldiers
were taken completely unawares
309
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:21,960
as 30,000 grass spiders came
crawling up over the battlements,
310
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:25,960
playing their bagpipes and uttering
their terrifying war cries -
311
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:30,960
"Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha."
312
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:33,960
Unfortunately, Robert the Bruce
is the only man in history
313
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:36,960
to recognise
the potential of insects.
314
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:37,960
Cromwell trod on them.
315
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:40,960
You see, Nelson swatted them.
They still have no vote.
316
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:44,960
Do you realise that woodlice
spend 24 hours a day
317
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:47,960
in the House of Commons
and get no thanks for it?
318
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,960
Flies live in the most
appalling conditions.
319
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:53,960
May I appeal for sanity
before it is too late?
320
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:56,000
History must recognise the insect.
321
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:58,000
And the Scandinavian nude.
322
00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:00,960
Oh, Britt, Britt,
with your hairy legs
323
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:02,960
and your infinite knowledge
of cupboards.
324
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:04,960
Excuse me, I must have a boiled egg.
325
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:08,960
It's the only soothing thing
at this time. Eggs are so soothing.
326
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:12,960
Good grief.
327
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:14,960
And finally, we re-examine
328
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:17,960
one of the truly colourful legends
of our past -
329
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:19,960
the legend of Sherwood Forest
and Robin Hood.
330
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,000
Man or myth or myth-ith?
331
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:29,960
Sherwood Forest is in
the quiet shire of Nottingham.
332
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:33,960
It is Friday morning.
The time is 11:45.
333
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:37,960
The year is also 1145.
MAN WHISTLES
334
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:38,960
Clever, isn't it?
335
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,800
WHISTLING CONTINUES
336
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:51,960
Oi!
337
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:05,960
This is Robin Hood.
338
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:07,800
One of the few social workers
339
00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:09,960
operating in Britain's forests
today.
340
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:15,960
What has made this 33-year-old
ex-Nottinghamshire pig farmer
341
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:17,640
a legend in his own lifetime?
342
00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:22,960
I believe very seriously that there
is a need in the country today
343
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:25,960
for a radical redistribution
of the nation's wealth.
344
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:27,960
And I think it's terribly important
345
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:29,640
that somebody
does this kind of work.
346
00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:31,960
We're always on the lookout
for rich people
347
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:34,320
who might be interested
in what we're trying to do.
348
00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:36,800
I usually talk to them
about the pressing needs
349
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:38,960
of the underprivileged section
of the community,
350
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:41,960
and then I ask them to make
some small subscription to our fund.
351
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,960
What if they don't want to give you
anything? I beat them up.
352
00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:49,960
These are Robin's permanent staff.
353
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:52,960
They're known as the Merry Men.
354
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:54,960
On account of their humour.
355
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:56,960
And their infectious gaiety.
356
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:02,960
I joined Robin because, basically,
I'm deeply concerned
357
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:06,960
with the whole problem of poverty
and squalor in the world today,
358
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:11,160
and this is where I do find
working for Robin so rewarding.
359
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:12,960
I think it's simply marvellous
360
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:14,960
to be able to do something
for these people.
361
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:17,960
Because, you know,
in Sherwood Forest,
362
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:20,960
we've got some simply wonderful
poverty
363
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,000
and immensely rewarding squalor.
364
00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:26,960
Oh, yeah, well,
there aren't many opportunities
365
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:30,800
for a monk with a criminal record,
like myself.
366
00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:33,160
But Mr Hood was prepared
to overlook this.
367
00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:34,960
That's the kind of man he is.
368
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:36,960
Completely undiscriminating.
369
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,960
After spending a few hours
with the Merry Men,
370
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:47,640
Robin and Friar Tuck go off
to distribute the week's takings.
371
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:50,960
As they have done each Friday
for the last six years.
372
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:53,960
Bringing comfort
to humble dwellings like this,
373
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:54,960
where those in most need
374
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:58,640
have been able to take advantage
of Robin's generosity.
375
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,960
Oh! No.
376
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:05,960
Not any more, my days.
377
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,960
No, they get terrible in the way
of my ploughing.
378
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:11,960
You put them over
on the compost heap there.
379
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:15,160
We've got as much inside
as we possibly can.
380
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:16,960
Right up to the ceiling.
381
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:25,960
What do people around Nottingham
think of his work?
382
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:27,960
Ah.
383
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:29,960
Well, I think the fellow's
an absolute menace.
384
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,960
Only last week,
385
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:35,960
I caught a serf wearing
a pair of my wife's earrings.
386
00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:41,960
Can't leave the manor for a minute
without something being pinched.
387
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:43,960
Oh, thank you.
388
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,960
All I can say is,
if he comes back here,
389
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:48,960
he knows what he'll get.
390
00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:50,960
Oh!
391
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:55,640
I think Robin is a wonderful person.
392
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,960
And he's doing a wonderful job.
393
00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:01,960
Especially amongst us poorer folk.
394
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:07,640
I just wish he had more time
to spend among us.
395
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:11,960
PEOPLE CHATTER
396
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:12,960
Hello there, mate.
Hi.
397
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:15,960
Mr Hood, what do you reckon
as your achievements,
398
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:17,960
and what are your hopes
for the future?
399
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:20,960
Well...
after six years in social work,
400
00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:24,960
I still find myself amazed
and touched by the gratitude
401
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,960
of the folk we're trying to help.
402
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:28,960
In fact, we've been so successful
403
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:30,960
in taking from the rich
and giving to the poor,
404
00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:32,960
they are now having to take
a lot back from the poor
405
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:35,960
and give it to the rich.
ALL AGREE
406
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:38,960
So there's at least another
six years' work there.
407
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,960
Robin, what do you get out of it?
408
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,960
Me?
409
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:44,960
A deep sense
of personal satisfaction.
410
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:46,480
The joy of...
411
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:49,640
...improving the lot
of my fellow men,
412
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:51,960
and 25% of the panto rights.
413
00:22:57,160 --> 00:23:01,960
And there we must leave yesterday
for today.
414
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:04,000
But be sure to join us again
next week, and...
415
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,960
AMERICAN ANNOUNCER:
See Chaucer write!
416
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:09,960
Yes, just half a crown
to see Chaucer write.
417
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:15,960
Cheer Richard III,
England's first detective!
418
00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:18,960
I think I've got a hunch.
419
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:22,960
Thrill to the Wars of the Roses!
420
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:34,960
Watch the end
of the Hundred Years' War!
421
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:39,960
MUSIC DISTORTS
422
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:50,000
For sheer nail-biting,
toe-chilling excitement,
423
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:51,960
don't miss next week's...
424
00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:59,960
# The Complete And Utter History
Of Britain
425
00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:03,960
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
426
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:08,960
# It's all in separate episodes
Separate episodes
427
00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:15,960
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
428
00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:18,960
# The Complete And Utter History
Of Britain
429
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:23,960
# It's all in separate episodes
In separate episodes
430
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:25,960
# In separate episodes
431
00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:28,160
# Complete and utter
432
00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:30,800
# It's complete and utter
433
00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:36,160
# It's complete
And utter history. #
434
00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:42,480
COIN RATTLES
Thank you. Thank you very much.
33155
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