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1
00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:03,400
Hey, Charlie, would you
see who that is?!
2
00:00:11,300 --> 00:00:12,600
It's Death!
3
00:00:13,700 --> 00:00:14,700
Hi, Mom!
4
00:00:17,900 --> 00:00:19,800
Your gardener left this
in the driveway.
5
00:00:20,800 --> 00:00:23,000
It wasn't a gardener,
it was a girl with a grudge.
6
00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:28,900
So how
was your friend's funeral?
7
00:00:28,900 --> 00:00:31,100
Oh! Terribly disappointing.
8
00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:32,600
Yeah, in my experience,
9
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:35,100
nothing kills a party
like a dead broad in a box.
10
00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:39,100
Don't be glib, Charlie.
11
00:00:39,300 --> 00:00:40,000
Hello, Alan.
12
00:00:40,300 --> 00:00:41,300
Oh, hey, Mom.
13
00:00:41,300 --> 00:00:42,800
Wow, you look nice.
14
00:00:43,300 --> 00:00:45,200
Yes, mourning becomes me,
doesn't it?
15
00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:47,400
If only more
of my friends would die.
16
00:00:48,300 --> 00:00:50,000
I'm sure the feeling's mutual.
17
00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:53,700
Charlie, as long
as you're over there,
18
00:00:53,700 --> 00:00:55,000
make Mommy a drink.
19
00:00:55,100 --> 00:00:56,900
It's been
a very depressing afternoon.
20
00:00:57,100 --> 00:00:58,500
Thanks for spreading
it around.
21
00:00:59,300 --> 00:01:02,100
Can you believe,
two of Cynthia's three children
22
00:01:02,500 --> 00:01:05,100
didn't even bother showing up
at her funeral?
23
00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:08,500
And the one who did was drunk
and cracking tasteless jokes
24
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:10,500
about his mother
all throughout the service.
25
00:01:11,300 --> 00:01:13,600
You didn't happen
to jot any of them
down, did you?
26
00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:18,100
And it wasn't just the children.
27
00:01:18,100 --> 00:01:20,100
The crowd was very sparse
28
00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:22,700
and there
was virtually no mournin
29
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:24,200
Well, that's understandable,
isn't it?
30
00:01:24,300 --> 00:01:25,600
You said no one really liked
this woman.
31
00:01:25,700 --> 00:01:28,200
Oh, she was a hateful shrew,
but still.
32
00:01:29,700 --> 00:01:30,700
Fortunately,
33
00:01:30,700 --> 00:01:32,600
I was able to draw
on my theater background
34
00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:33,800
and work up a good cry.
35
00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:36,500
Sense-memory.
36
00:01:36,900 --> 00:01:38,000
I remember the time
37
00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:41,100
I wasn't cast as Blanche Dubois
in Streetcar.
38
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:43,300
You're a good friend, Mom.
39
00:01:44,300 --> 00:01:47,700
I know. I'm just glad
that when my time comes,
40
00:01:47,700 --> 00:01:50,500
I won't have such
a humiliating sendoff.
41
00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:55,100
Right?
42
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:56,900
Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.
Of course.
43
00:01:58,400 --> 00:01:59,800
Well, I'm going
to go eshen up.
44
00:01:59,900 --> 00:02:02,800
Even fake tears can ruin
one's mascara.
45
00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:04,100
Speaking of which,
46
00:02:04,100 --> 00:02:06,000
whoever did Cynthia's makeup
should be shot
47
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,000
and buried beside her.
48
00:02:07,100 --> 00:02:09,200
She looked
like a varnished clown.
49
00:02:10,700 --> 00:02:12,200
You'll go to Mom's
funeral, won't you?
50
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,000
Of course.
As the eldest son,
51
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:20,400
it's my obligation
to pound in the stake.
52
00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:22,300
Typical--
nothing for Alan to do.
53
00:02:22,500 --> 00:02:24,900
Okay, you can
cut off her head
54
00:02:24,900 --> 00:02:26,900
and hold it up
for the villagers.
55
00:02:27,700 --> 00:02:30,500
www.1000fr.com present
56
00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:33,600
sync:FRM@Ӳ���
57
00:02:33,700 --> 00:02:34,500
What are you doing?
58
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:37,400
Leaving before Mom gets out
of the bathroom.
59
00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:39,700
I thought we were taking her
to dinne
60
00:02:39,900 --> 00:02:41,500
I can't listen to her anymore.
61
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:44,400
It just blows my mind
that she can go on and on
62
00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:46,200
about her toxic friend's
sad little funeral
63
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:49,200
when we both know she's going
to end up exactly the same way!
64
00:02:49,300 --> 00:02:50,100
I don't disagree,
65
00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:52,200
but there's an option
to running away from her.
66
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:53,600
Yeah, but we'd get caught
67
00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:55,100
and you'd sell me out
for a reduced sentence.
68
00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:57,900
We could tell
her the truth;
69
00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:00,000
that she's just as toxic
as her late friend
70
00:03:00,100 --> 00:03:02,200
and that that's the way
she's gonna be remembered.
71
00:03:05,300 --> 00:03:06,900
Are you on crack?
72
00:03:06,900 --> 00:03:09,100
Maybe if she realized
how people see her,
73
00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:10,800
she might make an effort
to change.
74
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:12,800
If she realized how people
see her,
75
00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:14,800
she'd just get new people.
76
00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:17,000
What are we
gonna say, Alan?
77
00:03:17,100 --> 00:03:18,500
"Hey, Mom,
you're a crazy she-bat
78
00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:20,300
"and the only way people will
come to your funeral
79
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:21,200
"is if your delighted sons
80
00:03:21,300 --> 00:03:22,700
"turn it into
a three-day beer bash
81
00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:24,100
with go-go dancers."
82
00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,000
We, we wouldn't start there.
83
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:31,600
All right, Cynthia's
in the ground, my face is on,
84
00:03:31,700 --> 00:03:34,000
I look stunning in black;
85
00:03:35,500 --> 00:03:37,000
Just follow my lead.
86
00:03:38,300 --> 00:03:39,900
Um, Mom...?
87
00:03:40,100 --> 00:03:40,900
Yes, dear.
88
00:03:46,300 --> 00:03:47,700
Alan thinks you're
a crazy she-bat
89
00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:49,400
and no one will mourn
at your funeral either
90
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,700
We're telling you this
because we love you.
91
00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:58,200
I see.
92
00:03:58,500 --> 00:04:01,000
Look, Mom, you have to realize
93
00:04:01,100 --> 00:04:03,800
that you're not that
different from Cynthia.
94
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,200
I most certainly am!
95
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,700
Come on, Mom,
you speak ill of everyone,
96
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:10,300
even your
closest friends.
97
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:11,700
You, you manipulate people,
98
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:13,900
you're an unbelievable
narcissist,
99
00:04:13,900 --> 00:04:15,100
you're self-obsessed...
100
00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:16,800
That's a bit redundant,
isn't it?
101
00:04:17,100 --> 00:04:19,400
You find fault with everything,
102
00:04:20,700 --> 00:04:22,500
...and frankly,
I don't know anyone
103
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:24,300
who enjoys spending time
with you,
104
00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:26,500
let alone would cry
at your funeral.
105
00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:30,000
That's one point of view.
106
00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:35,600
Charlie,
107
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:37,700
I notice you haven't said
anything.
108
00:04:39,100 --> 00:04:41,800
Actually, "crazy
she-bat" was mine.
109
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:46,700
Again, Mom,
we're only telling you this
110
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:48,900
because we care about you,
right, Charlie?
111
00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:50,200
We care about you.
112
00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:52,600
And, and it's not too late
for you to change
113
00:04:52,700 --> 00:04:54,300
and become the kind
of person that people
114
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:55,700
would dearly miss.
115
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:56,800
When you're dead.
116
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:01,700
You've given me a lot
to think about.
117
00:05:02,100 --> 00:05:04,800
Yes, and, and while you're
thinking, remember the spirit
118
00:05:04,900 --> 00:05:06,000
in which it was intended.
119
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:08,600
Oh, I won't forget that.
120
00:05:11,100 --> 00:05:12,000
Good, good.
121
00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:15,000
Listen, um, I think I'm gonna
beg off dinner tonight.
122
00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:16,700
Good, good. Aw...
123
00:05:20,700 --> 00:05:22,100
Good-bye, boys.
124
00:05:22,300 --> 00:05:23,600
Bye-bye.
Bye.
125
00:05:29,900 --> 00:05:30,900
Okay.
126
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:31,800
"Okay"?
127
00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:35,400
What's okay?
What do you see that's okay?
128
00:05:35,900 --> 00:05:37,700
Well, we got out of dinner.
129
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:39,700
Yes, but at what cost?
130
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:42,100
Sure, her feelings are hurt
right now,
131
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,100
but that'll pass in time,
132
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:45,800
and then she'll see this
133
00:05:45,900 --> 00:05:48,200
as an opportunity
to grow and change.
134
00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:50,300
Do you actually believe that?
135
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:52,900
I have to, Charlie.
136
00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:56,000
I have to.
137
00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,300
* Men. *
138
00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:02,900
Yo, mad props
on the sandwich, Dad.
139
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:04,800
This PB and J is off the hook.
140
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:07,600
Excuse me?
141
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:10,300
He's been watching MTV Cribs.
142
00:06:12,300 --> 00:06:13,800
The kid's a sponge.
143
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,600
For shizzle, my dizzle.
144
00:06:16,700 --> 00:06:18,400
Hey, MC Skidmark.
145
00:06:20,300 --> 00:06:22,400
Here's something else
you left in your pants.
146
00:06:24,500 --> 00:06:26,700
Oh, right, I was supposed
to mail this.
147
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:28,200
What is it?
It's a birthday card
148
00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:30,000
Mom gave me to send to Grandma.
149
00:06:30,700 --> 00:06:33,500
Oh, God! Today's Mom's birthday.
150
00:06:33,700 --> 00:06:35,800
You forgot Mom's birthday?
151
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:37,300
Did you remember it?
152
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:40,000
Hey, hey, no one expects me
to remember anything.
153
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:42,900
Whe's the last time
you talked to her?
154
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:44,300
I don't know;
probably when we told her
155
00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,400
she's a horrible person
and nobody likes her.
156
00:06:46,500 --> 00:06:48,400
Oh, yeah, that was a fun day.
157
00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:51,200
I guess I could save
this for next year.
158
00:06:51,300 --> 00:06:53,400
No, no, no, you'll give it
to her in person.
159
00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:55,000
We'll go out,
we'll buy her present,
160
00:06:55,100 --> 00:06:56,000
and then we'll bring it to her.
161
00:06:56,300 --> 00:06:58,400
Gee, Alan, she hasn't talked
to us in weeks.
162
00:06:58,500 --> 00:07:00,800
Don't you think showing up
with a gift my jeopardize that?
163
00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:02,400
We have to go.
If we don't show up,
164
00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:03,600
we'll never
hear the end of it.
165
00:07:03,700 --> 00:07:04,600
True dat.
166
00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:07,900
You tell 'em, Poop Dog.
167
00:07:10,500 --> 00:07:12,700
Yo, check out
the bling.
168
00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:16,200
Jake, I'm not going
to tell you again.
169
00:07:16,300 --> 00:07:17,600
You're a pasty white kid.
170
00:07:17,700 --> 00:07:19,100
Start acting like one.
171
00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:20,500
Fine.
172
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:22,300
Oh, this is cool.
173
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:26,800
It does say "Mom."
174
00:07:27,300 --> 00:07:28,300
Charlie, be serious.
175
00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:30,200
Jake, if you really want
to help, try to find something
176
00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:32,200
that's more appropriate
for your grandma.
177
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:33,000
Like what?
178
00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:36,500
See if they got a
grizzly bear ripping
apart a salmon.
179
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:41,200
Hi, there.
180
00:07:41,300 --> 00:07:42,700
May I help you find something?
181
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,400
Oh, yeah, we're, uh,
we're looking
182
00:07:44,500 --> 00:07:45,700
for a birthd gift
for our mother.
183
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:47,700
Oh, how sweet.
When's her birthday?
184
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:49,100
Today.
185
00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:49,900
Oh.
186
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,100
He forgot.
187
00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:53,800
Well, um, tell me something
about her.
188
00:07:53,900 --> 00:07:54,700
What does she like?
189
00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:55,700
Hurting people.
190
00:07:57,300 --> 00:07:57,900
Charlie...
191
00:07:58,000 --> 00:07:59,700
It's a little hard
to answer that
192
00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:01,900
because we have a bit of
a strained relationship.
193
00:08:02,300 --> 00:08:04,300
Oh, so you'd like
to find a gift
194
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,400
that would help bring you
closer together.
195
00:08:06,700 --> 00:08:08,000
Oh, no, no.
No, no, no.
196
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:12,300
This is just your standard
family obligation,
197
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:13,400
"Here it is,
Happy Birthday
198
00:08:13,500 --> 00:08:15,000
stay off our backs"
kind of thing.
199
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:17,200
But with a pretty bow.
200
00:08:18,700 --> 00:08:22,000
I see.
And what is your price range?
201
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:25,400
Uh, enough that she can't
complain, but not so much
202
00:08:25,500 --> 00:08:27,000
that it's worth her
while to return it.
203
00:08:27,100 --> 00:08:28,000
Exactly.
204
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:30,400
Have you considered
205
00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:32,600
a nice perfume?
206
00:08:32,700 --> 00:08:33,800
Do you know
her scent?
207
00:08:33,900 --> 00:08:35,200
Oh, actually, I don't.
208
00:08:35,300 --> 00:08:36,000
I do.
You do?
209
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:39,200
Yep. Do you carry
Chanel No. 666?
210
00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:43,600
You know, I think
I'm going to let
the two of you
211
00:08:43,700 --> 00:08:47,600
just browse a bit more
and I'll be back... maybe.
212
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:50,100
Great news.
213
00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:52,000
It's on sale!
214
00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:55,900
* Men. *
215
00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:58,500
Now, remember, this was not
a last-minute thing.
216
00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:00,700
Our plan all along
was to surprise her.
217
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:02,700
I know how to lie, Dad.
218
00:09:03,500 --> 00:09:05,400
We're not lying.
We're being considerate.
219
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:06,700
By lying.
220
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,300
Happy Birthday!
221
00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:13,600
Oh, what a surprise.
222
00:09:13,700 --> 00:09:15,600
That was the plan all along.
223
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:19,200
I don't knowhat to say.
224
00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:21,300
After the last time we spoke,
I assumed...
225
00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:22,900
Oh, come on, Mom.
226
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,300
No matter what,
you're still our mother.
227
00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:26,300
Right, Charlie?
You're still our mother.
228
00:09:28,100 --> 00:09:29,600
Give her her
present, Jake.
229
00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:30,700
Happy Birthday.
230
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:31,800
Thank you.
231
00:09:32,100 --> 00:09:33,000
Oh, it's heavy.
232
00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:34,000
It's just a bowl.
233
00:09:34,100 --> 00:09:36,500
I wanted to get you
a bear-eating fish.
234
00:09:37,500 --> 00:09:40,300
But we got her a nice
crystal bowl instead.
235
00:09:42,100 --> 00:09:43,200
So, can we come in?
236
00:09:43,300 --> 00:09:45,300
Actually, I'm having
a little party.
237
00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:46,500
A party?!
238
00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:47,900
And you didn't invite us?
239
00:09:48,100 --> 00:09:51,300
Charles, if someone's not going
to mourn at my funeral,
240
00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:53,600
I certainly don't want them
at my birthday party.
241
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:55,800
Then who's here?
242
00:09:57,700 --> 00:09:58,600
People who love me.
243
00:09:58,700 --> 00:10:01,200
People who care about me
and accept me for who I am.
244
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:04,300
Oh, I got to see this.
245
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,400
Please come in.
246
00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:10,400
Oh, hello.
247
00:10:11,900 --> 00:10:12,600
Hi.
248
00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:15,800
Charlie, Alan, Jake,
I'd like you to meet
249
00:10:15,900 --> 00:10:19,100
Roger and Philip
and their son Changpu.
250
00:10:19,300 --> 00:10:21,000
These are my sons
and grandson.
251
00:10:21,300 --> 00:10:22,700
Nice to meet you.
Hello.
252
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:25,200
Your mom is such
an incredible woman.
253
00:10:25,300 --> 00:10:27,300
She's like the loving
mother I never had.
254
00:10:27,500 --> 00:10:29,200
She's fabulous!
255
00:10:29,300 --> 00:10:30,700
We're one big
happy family.
256
00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:37,700
Son of a bitch,
she got new people.
257
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:42,200
Who are these guys?
258
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,000
You're surprised
I have friends?
259
00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:45,600
You're surprised
that I'm surprised?
260
00:10:46,500 --> 00:10:48,400
Roger works in
my real estate office,
261
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:50,800
Philip does my hair
and I introduced them.
262
00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:52,300
They make a lovely
couple, don't they?
263
00:10:52,500 --> 00:10:53,700
Yeah, I guess.
264
00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:55,100
And they adopted...
265
00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:56,900
...Chung King?
266
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:01,100
Changpu.
Yes-- from China.
267
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:02,600
Of course I had
to help them a bit,
268
00:11:02,700 --> 00:11:04,900
you know, greasing
the bureaucratic wheels.
269
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:06,100
You bribed someone?
270
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:07,500
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
271
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,000
I merely slept with
a Commie.
272
00:11:11,100 --> 00:11:12,400
Is this goose liver?
273
00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:14,500
It's quail pate
with endive.
274
00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:15,700
Philip's special recipe.
275
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:16,800
Oh, you gotta
give it to me.
276
00:11:16,900 --> 00:11:18,000
I'll trade you.
277
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:19,600
My recipe for
your mother.
278
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:20,900
Done.
279
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:23,200
You are so lucky.
280
00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:25,800
My mother is aitch on wheels.
281
00:11:25,900 --> 00:11:27,300
Your mother?
What about my mother?
282
00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:29,100
Fine, your mother's
a bitch, too.
283
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:30,200
* Thank you. *
284
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:34,100
So do you have
PlayStation or an Xbox?
285
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:36,100
I have a cello.
286
00:11:36,900 --> 00:11:38,200
What do you play
on that?
287
00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:41,500
Beethoven, Brahms,
Bach, Shostakovich.
288
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,600
So, no Grand Theft Auto?
289
00:11:47,700 --> 00:11:53,500
* Happy birthday to you *
290
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:57,800
* Happy birthday
to you *
291
00:11:57,900 --> 00:11:59,800
* Happy birthday *
292
00:11:59,900 --> 00:12:02,700
* Dear Evy *
* Dear Grandma *
293
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:08,900
* Happy birthday to you. *
294
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:11,300
My boys, my boys.
295
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:12,700
Thank you.
296
00:12:12,700 --> 00:12:13,600
Make a wish.
297
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:16,000
Why? You're already here.
298
00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:17,400
My wish has come true.
299
00:12:21,500 --> 00:12:23,900
Who wishes for two gay guys
and a Chinese kid?
300
00:12:26,700 --> 00:12:30,400
Evy, now we have a very
special present for you.
301
00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:33,700
What do you think,
a bear eating a bear?
302
00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:38,000
Changpu is going to perform
a cello concerto.
303
00:12:38,100 --> 00:12:40,200
He wrote it himself,
in your honor.
304
00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:42,000
How marvelous.
305
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:47,500
Should I give her
the card now?
306
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:49,800
Forget about
the card, Jake.
307
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:51,400
Shh, shh, shh.
308
00:12:51,500 --> 00:12:53,100
Shampoo is gonna play.
309
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,000
Don't feel bad.
310
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,800
I bet he can't
burp the alphabet.
311
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:13,700
Well, that was one of
the most bizarre evenings
312
00:13:13,700 --> 00:13:14,700
I've ever spent.
313
00:13:15,100 --> 00:13:16,400
It was right up there.
314
00:13:16,500 --> 00:13:18,300
I thought it was fabulous.
315
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:23,200
You know what's
happened, don't you?
316
00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:24,700
We've been replaced.
317
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:26,500
Fine with me.
318
00:13:26,700 --> 00:13:28,300
As long as she's got
Siegfried and Roy,
319
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:29,700
we don't have to
deal with her anymore.
320
00:13:30,300 --> 00:13:31,500
Oh, it's fine with me, too.
321
00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:33,500
I just... I can't believe
she conned these guys
322
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,100
into thinking
she's a good witch.
323
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:37,200
Well, we know she's not.
324
00:13:41,100 --> 00:13:44,800
Hey, Spongebob GayPants,
take a break.
325
00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:49,000
You don't think
we might've been...
326
00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:51,000
wrong about Mom.
327
00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:52,200
What?!
328
00:13:52,300 --> 00:13:54,300
I'm just saying
that Roger and Philip
329
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,200
obviously see something in her
that we don't.
330
00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:58,300
Who knows her better,
us or them?
331
00:13:58,400 --> 00:13:59,700
Well, us, no question.
332
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:02,000
But maybe there's a part of her
we're missing.
333
00:14:02,100 --> 00:14:04,700
Alan, there's a part of her
she's missing.
334
00:14:04,700 --> 00:14:06,100
It's called her soul.
335
00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:07,700
Snap!
336
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,100
* Men. *
337
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:20,900
Hey, Mom, how are you?
338
00:14:21,100 --> 00:14:23,300
Charlie, what
a pleasant surprise.
339
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:26,100
Oh, I was just calling to say
happy birthday again
340
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:27,200
and thanks for last night.
341
00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:30,300
was so nice to meet Philip
and Roger and...
342
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:32,500
Shanghai.
343
00:14:33,100 --> 00:14:34,500
Changpu.
344
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:37,600
And thank you for
the lovely crystal bowl.
345
00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:38,700
Oh, good-- you like it.
346
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:40,700
Like it?
Well, I love it.
347
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:42,700
I'm admiring it right now.
348
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:45,600
Great. Great.
349
00:14:45,700 --> 00:14:47,000
Listen, dear,
I've really got to go.
350
00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:48,300
No, no, no,
wait, wait, wait, Mom.
351
00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:49,600
I want to clear the air
352
00:14:49,700 --> 00:14:51,500
about that stuff that got said
a couple of weeks ago.
353
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:53,000
What's that?
354
00:14:53,500 --> 00:14:56,600
Well, I don't have any problems
with you being who you are.
355
00:14:56,700 --> 00:14:58,500
That whole thing about
you needing to change,
356
00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:01,000
well, that's Alan's deal.
357
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,100
Oh, I knew that.
358
00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:06,600
Yeah, yeah, the thing that
I love about our relationship
359
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,400
is that you don't try
to change me
360
00:15:08,500 --> 00:15:09,600
and I don't try to change you.
361
00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:13,200
We accept each other as, you
know, incapable of changing.
362
00:15:13,300 --> 00:15:14,900
That is very sweet.
363
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,800
Okay, here you go:
eggs Benedict.
364
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:19,300
My own recipe.
365
00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:21,100
Anything else?
366
00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:22,300
No, no, I guess not.
367
00:15:23,500 --> 00:15:24,400
Love you.
368
00:15:24,500 --> 00:15:25,600
You, too.
369
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:26,500
Bye-bye.
370
00:15:27,300 --> 00:15:28,300
Who was that?
371
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:29,900
Oh, nobody.
372
00:15:30,900 --> 00:15:33,100
Now, you said there
was something important
373
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:34,400
you wanted to talk to me about.
374
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:35,400
Yeah, yeah.
375
00:15:35,500 --> 00:15:37,100
I was just thinking about.
376
00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:38,900
Mm, too much lemon juice
in the hollandaise sauce.
377
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:40,300
Oh, gee, I'm sorry.
378
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:42,800
You should ask Philip
for his recipe.
379
00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:44,700
I will.
380
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:48,000
You might also ask him
who cuts his hair.
381
00:15:48,300 --> 00:15:50,500
You don't have to be gay
to look nice.
382
00:15:53,500 --> 00:15:54,400
I'll ask.
383
00:15:54,500 --> 00:15:57,200
Um, anyway, I just wanted
to clear the air
384
00:15:57,300 --> 00:15:58,500
about a few things.
385
00:15:58,700 --> 00:16:00,600
Really? Like what?
386
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:03,300
Well, you know, that, uh...
387
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:06,400
that stuff that got said
a couple of weeks ago.
388
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:09,100
I just want you to know...
389
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:11,200
it was Charlie'ea.
390
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:13,300
Oh, I knew that.
391
00:16:14,700 --> 00:16:16,800
Yeah, I only went along
because, you know,
392
00:16:17,100 --> 00:16:18,200
he's the older
brother and...
393
00:16:19,300 --> 00:16:20,700
he might've been drunk.
394
00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:24,400
Well, I'm just glad one of
my sons cares about me.
395
00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:25,900
I do. I love you, Mommy.
396
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,000
Right back at ya.
397
00:16:29,700 --> 00:16:30,500
Now, skidaddle.
398
00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:32,200
Philip and Roger will
be here any minute.
399
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:34,600
Oh, okay.
400
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:40,100
Oh, look,
there they are.
401
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,600
Philip, Roger and Changpu.
402
00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:47,300
No pictures of me or Jake?
403
00:16:47,900 --> 00:16:51,800
Sweetheart, I've been asking for
a decent picture for years.
404
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:54,300
All I've ever gotten
was a school photo of Jake
405
00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,400
where he appeared to be
sucking on his shirt.
406
00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:59,400
Oh, yeah, they served spaghetti
on picture day.
407
00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:02,500
Oh, hey, you know what
we should do?
408
00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:06,000
We should get together and
take a nice family portrait.
409
00:17:06,100 --> 00:17:07,100
That sounds lovely.
410
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,100
Great! I'll set it up!
Terrific!
411
00:17:09,300 --> 00:17:11,000
Okay, bye.
412
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:12,500
Bye-bye.
413
00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:16,900
Um, d I tell you
that I love you, Mommy?
414
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,100
Yes, but I never tire
of hearing it.
415
00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:23,100
Oh, well, in that case, uh,
I love you, Mommy.
416
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,700
I really should have stopped
drinking during pregnancy.
417
00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:37,200
* Men. *
418
00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:49,000
Hello?
419
00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:50,400
Hello.
420
00:17:57,300 --> 00:17:58,100
Hey, Alan?
421
00:17:58,200 --> 00:17:58,900
Yeah?
422
00:18:00,300 --> 00:18:01,400
I couldn't help noticing
423
00:18:01,500 --> 00:18:03,500
there's a photographer
in the living room.
424
00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:05,400
Oh. Yeah, we're, uh...
425
00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:06,500
we're taking
a family picture.
426
00:18:07,300 --> 00:18:08,500
Family picture?
427
00:18:10,300 --> 00:18:11,600
Would it be rude of me
to point out
428
00:18:11,700 --> 00:18:13,400
the obvious flaw in your plan?
429
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:16,200
I didn't think
you'd be interested.
430
00:18:16,300 --> 00:18:16,900
I'm not.
431
00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:21,600
So, it's just you and Little
Lord Scratch 'n' Sniff?
432
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:23,700
Hey, if you don't
sniff it,
433
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:25,200
you don't know
what it is.
434
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:32,600
Actually, it's a picture
of me, Jake d Mom.
435
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:34,800
Mom?!
436
00:18:35,100 --> 00:18:36,100
Mom who?
437
00:18:37,100 --> 00:18:39,800
She said she didn't have
any good pictures of us.
438
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,800
Wait a minute.
When did you talk to Mom?
439
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:43,700
I...
440
00:18:44,900 --> 00:18:46,000
She called me.
441
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:49,700
You've been sucking up to her
behind my back, haven't you?
442
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:54,200
Charlie, you have no idea
how insane that sounds.
443
00:18:56,100 --> 00:18:58,300
All I know is after everything
that's happened,
444
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:01,200
I would never talk to her
without talking to you first.
445
00:19:01,300 --> 00:19:02,000
You wouldn't?
446
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:04,600
What kind of person
do you take me f?
447
00:19:04,700 --> 00:19:06,000
I'd rather cut off my arm
448
00:19:06,100 --> 00:19:09,400
than pick up the phone and try
to undermine my own brother.
449
00:19:10,300 --> 00:19:11,200
Me, too.
450
00:19:12,100 --> 00:19:13,200
That's why I'm...
451
00:19:14,300 --> 00:19:16,300
taking a bullet here
for the both of us.
452
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:17,300
Oh.
453
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,800
Well, thanks.
454
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,300
You don't have to thank me...
455
00:19:22,300 --> 00:19:23,400
I'm your brother.
456
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:26,400
oh, Mommy's here.
457
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:29,900
Might as well
get this over with.
458
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:32,100
Wait a sec, hang on.
459
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:34,500
Let me go change.
460
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:36,100
You actually want to be
in the picture?
461
00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:37,800
No, no, no,
are you kidding?
462
00:19:39,300 --> 00:19:41,300
It's not fair for you
to have to do it alone.
463
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,600
Oh... well, thanks.
464
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:46,300
You don't have to thank me.
465
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:47,600
I'm your brother.
466
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:52,600
Hi, Mom.
Hello, dear.
467
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:54,500
Hey, Mom, how are you?
Good to see you.
468
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:55,600
Hi, Charlie.
469
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:59,000
Oh, what a marvelous house.
470
00:19:59,100 --> 00:20:00,200
It's adorable.
471
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:01,800
Mom?
472
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:03,800
You said you wanted
a family portrait.
473
00:20:07,500 --> 00:20:09,600
Okay, well,
I'm going back to bed.
474
00:20:09,900 --> 00:20:11,300
Wait, Charlie,
what about the pictu?
475
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:13,300
Put me down for a wallet size.
476
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:16,400
???
477
00:20:39,700 --> 00:20:40,300
Like that?
478
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:42,700
Yeah, but what was all that crap
in the beginning?
479
00:20:43,700 --> 00:20:46,000
It was an introduction
of my own composition.
480
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:48,300
Well, no offense,
but "Smoke on the Water"
481
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:50,600
doesn't begin with crap
on the water.
482
00:20:52,300 --> 00:20:53,200
My apologies.
483
00:20:53,300 --> 00:20:55,000
Okay, let's take it
from the top.
484
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,500
One, two, three, four.
485
00:21:06,300 --> 00:21:08,000
The playdate
was a good idea.
486
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:11,300
Yeah, let's see how
Grandma likes her prodigy
487
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:13,800
after he sponges up
our sponge.
488
00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:23,600
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