All language subtitles for Web.Therapy.S03E09.HDTV.x264-2HD-eng.EN

Previously on Web Therapy...

You know, Gina Spinks.

- Gina's pregnant?
- Yes, and so...

How far along is she?
Do you know?

I don't... three, four months,
or I'm not sure.

Net Therapy, please hold.

Um, that's amazing.
Huh.

I'm going to be the eulogist
at Mabel's memorial service.

I will have Mabel tied
to a large bundle

of helium-filled balloons,

and then she will rise
and go aloft,

presumably to heaven.

So I was calling to see if maybe

we could set
some sort of dinner up

to get my husband, Freddie,
off of my trail.

[Jazz music]

3.09 - Affairs to Remember
Sync and corrected by Elderfel
www.addic7ed.com

- Hi, Jerome.
- Oh, hi, Dr. Wallice.

Oh, good.
You're at my desk.

Yeah, it's just so much
roomier when you're not here.

I've got a little bit more room
to spread out and...

Right, no,
but I need you at my desk

- for this one time.
- Oh, good.

It's just that this is such
a boring flight to Houston.

Oh, how is Houston?

I'm not there yet, Jerome.
I'm on an airplane.

I can't tell you how Houston is.

- I'm not there.
- Oh, right, right.

- You don't have eyes?
- I do. I do.

When you land, though,
you should take some pictures

and send them my way.
I'll post 'em.

Good note.

Okay, good.
Thanks.

Listen, you know what?

I really need you
to do something for me,

because that computer crash
that happened last week

corrupted a lot of my sessions.

And then it just dawned on me

that I really, really need
those Conan O'Brien sessions,

'cause I would like to be
on his show eventually,

and I might need to persuade him.

Okay. And so, if you show him
your sessions with him,

that will make him
put you on his show?

Well, if I need to, yes.
I need that insurance.

Okay, do you know
which folder they're in?

Because I'm...
Let me see a second.

Hold on. Files...

Okay.

Yeah, these are just pictures
of you in lingerie.

Well, don't go into that.

I know.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Let me just close it.
Let me just close it.

Oh, my God, that was upsetting.

- I need to see my...
- Okay, hold on.

There's one that says "sessions."

Sessions.

It's not... it's different.
It's special sessions.

Special sessions.

It's "P. R. Sessions."
Private recorded sessions.

Hold on, we're Skyping.
Let me... Hold on one second.

Let me screen-share with you.

- Oh, yes, and that way I can see it.
- I'll give you your desktop.

- Hold on, I'm gonna...
- You'll be my cursor.

And "share screen."
There.

You found something
you're good at.

You can be a cursor.
[Laughs]

Oh, thanks.

Can you, um, can you see it?

It should have swapped.

Okay, yes.
Okay, good.

All right, yes, P.R. Sessions.
Private recorded sessions.

- I see 'em.
- So open that.

- Okay.
- Okay, oh.

- Let's see.
- Wow, there's a lot of them.

It's a lot of them, so...

And they're not...
I didn't title them.

They just have numbers.

These don't have
any pictures on them.

Eh, all right.

Well, start with the first one,
and let me see it.

Okay.
All right, all right, gotcha.

Um, there.

Oh, that's...

- Fiona.
- That's me.

Uh, I'll delete this.

No, don't delete it.

What are you doing at my desk?

You're always at my desk.

You weren't in town, and I...

I told you
that I met Gina, right?

Oh, Gina was trying to call me.

I'll delete this.

No, don't delete it.
I want to see it.

Gina Spinks.

Are you Gina Spinks?

I think so.

I had met her before.
That's all that this is.

You didn't tell me
that you'd met her before.

Did you used to go
by the name Angie?

I used to know her as Angie.

It's just a coincidence.
That's all it is.

But I shortened it to Gina

because "Gina" sounds better
in bed...

Yeah, she's funny.

Did you used to hang out
on third street at Baru?

We knew some
of the same people.

Oh, Baru. I love Baru.

This is really private.

Oh, is it private?

On my computer?

Oh, well, too bad.

It's like a DVD that I own,
and I get to watch it.

Oh, God.

So it was around 2003,
2004, and you and I met

- at Baru.
- Yeah.

And you took me home.

I'm gonna fast-forward it
just a little bit.

Well, I don't want you
to fast-forward it.

Well, Dr. Wallice,
this is just...

Well, I want to see this.
It's my property.

It was also my first time
with a woman.

Yeah, as it turns out, I had
lost my virginity to Gina.

That's all.
That's all you need to know.

Okay?

Oh, you're gay.

She doesn't remember.

You didn't make much
of an impression.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm
accidentally fast-forwarding.

Stop fast-forwarding!

Stop it!

You were...
you were very tender.

I have to tell you, I had...
you remember, I was crying.

That's not like me.

Well, it was like you
that night.

Because you held me...

There's something wrong
with your keyboard.

- It keeps fast-forwarding.
- No, don't you try.

- No, stop it!
- I can't help it.

This isn't up to you.
I get to watch this.

Not my fault.

If you do anything to this,
you're fired.

And you were very sweet
with me, honestly.

I mean,
even after I soiled myself

and I threw up a little bit,
you cleaned me up.

And it was really...

it was one of the most memorable
nights of my life,

and I've been wanting
to thank you, actually.

Did you roofie me?

I did not.
I did not roofie her.

- No, I didn't.
- I love it.

I wouldn't even know where
to get something like that.

Oh, my God,
roofie sex is amazing.

It's better than ambien sex.

Oh, oh, I didn't... well...

I don't remember this
at all, but I'm sure...

Well, that's unfortunate
'cause it really...

it changed me forever.

I mean, after that,
I had confidence.

I started dating.
I'm married now.

So I guess I have you to thank.

I popped your cherry.

- So to speak.
- I totally popped your cherry.

Doesn't know how things work.

- Broke your hymen.
- So to speak, yeah.

Did you wear a purity ring?

I didn't, but I could have.

Why were you waiting so long?
Sex is great.

Well...

So now you're doing Fiona now.

- No, no.
- Oh, no, Dr. Wallice,

I don't know
where she got that idea.

I hope she was kidding.

That's not something
I ever told her

or even gave her
any indication...

I know, I heard.

We're kind of associates,
in a way.

Well, we should get together,

'cause I have stepped
my pussy game up.

[Laughing]
Oh, my God.

You're very smitten.

It sounds like a lot of fun,
it does,

but my wife, Hayley,
would not be into that.

Dr. Wallice, this is just...

Listen, you get it.
It was a coincidence.

You are blushing.
That was really fun.

I have to say,
my goodness, Jerome.

For one of us maybe.

So flirty.
I wonder what that led to.

[Chuckles]

Well, it didn't lead to anything.

I mean, we had that one time,
and then, you know...

And then there was
this other time, more recently,

after the Skype thing.

And that's it.
And really, between that...

Those were the two times
we connected, and that was it.

So you did.
I was just kidding.

But you really did sleep
with her again.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Well, it was...

I'm not sure I know...

I don't know how I feel
about that, Jerome,

having these casual affairs

while you're working
at my office.

It was one time.
You were in New York,

and I did not
go around the corner.

I had to get
on a flight to Nome,

and it was expensive, and it
was anything but casual,

believe me,
especially on a bumpy flight

when I'm vomiting
most of the time.

When did you go to Nome?

Well, you know,
when she was working...

How long ago was that?

You... you...
It was in Mar...

uh, April, May, June,
July, August...

Nine months ago.
Nine months ago.

Dr. Wallice,

do you think...?

Oh, my God.

So you were right...

delete that session.

Delete it.

And delete this conversation
that we're having,

because no one needs to know
about any of this.

- Do you understand me, Jerome?
- Okay.

That baby is Austen's
and will live in Scotland...

happily ever after.

- Hello, mother.
- Hello, Fiona.

Where are you?

Well, I'm in your apartment
in New York.

Yes, that's my p...

What are you doing
at my penthouse?

How did you get in?

Well, the doorman...
He let me in.

I don't understand
why he let you in.

He knows me.

Yeah, but he doesn't know you
with $100 bill in your hand.

You should try tipping
now and then, Fiona.

Well, when I live there
long enough and a holiday...

No, there are people in this world
who cannot resist cash.

Yes, doormen...
I understand.

But it's not Christmas, so I...

Anyway, I wanted to tell you

I don't need to hear from Kip.
I've seen him.

He was just here
last night in Manhattan,

and he came to my reading,
and he loved it.

He absolutely loved it.

- Your reading of what?
- Of my new book.

- What?
- My new book.

When did you write a book?

Oh, you know about my new book
about senior abuse.

About what?

Senior abuse.

What would you know
about senior abuse?

Oh, I know far too much.

It was hard to write.

I had to really suffer
through it.

I had to do a lot
of digging and revealing

of my inner experience,

and it's not easy, Fiona.

Yeah, what is your experience
with elder abuse?

My experience has been
dreadfully painful.

And I must say,
the emotional trauma

is something that I pray
no other mother has to suffer.

No other mother?

And I'm tossing around
a few titles.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'd like to know your thoughts.

"Don't Hit Me in the Face,
Fiona, I'm Your Mother."

What? No.

"Please, Fiona, Not Again.
I Can't Breathe."

That... you can't title a book
with my name in it.

Oh, don't worry,
I've disguis...

in the book, you would not
recognize even yourself.

Who cares?
'Cause in the title

I'm clearly identified
as an abusive daughter.

Well, then perhaps
I will change the title

to "Don't Cry For Me, Fiorina."

You don't paint yourself
as the victim of elder abuse

at my hand.

How dare you?

No, you know what?
Do whatever you want.

I'm gonna have
my husband the lawyer,

Kip, file an injunction.

You won't get
to publish this book.

Oh, just try and stop it.

- I am going to try and stop it.
- You will not succeed.

Have you ever heard
of freedom of speech?

And Kip is my lawyer.

He will not bring
any kind of suit against me.

Then I'll get someone else to,

but you simply cannot publish...

Frivolous, frivolous,
frivolous,

frivolous,
frivolous, frivolous.

Frivolous? It's libelous.

I'm sorry,
I have to talk to my maid.

Mimi, would you please
bring me something?

An alka-seltzer, something,
because I have a headache

and a tummy ache,
and I'm just not feeling well.

[French accent]
Yes, oui, oui, madame.

[Normal voice]
Merci.

I had to fire your help.
They were so incompetent.

I don't have any help.

- You fired the neighbor's help.
- No, no, stop!

I will not listen
to another word.

You've never listened
to me anyway...

- My goodness.
- So it doesn't matter.

Can you imagine what I endured
with you as a child,

moody as you were?

You had another daughter
living with you.

- Oh, Shevaun.
- The whole time, so...

Shevaun has been no trouble
to me whatsoever.

No, not after we kicked her
out of your home.

At least Shevaun didn't lock
me up in a mental institution.

You wanted to go
to that hospital.

I would have gladly
committed you.

That was your choice.

Please stop with these lies!

You begged me,
to avoid murder charges

'cause you killed Mabel...

I begged you for nothing.

You suborned perjury.

You told me...
and I have the recording...

you told me to lie
to the authorities.

- Yes.
- And I think that was

when it struck me so deeply
in the heart,

that my own daughter
would risk me being jailed...

in a common prison!

I was keeping you out of jail

by saying, "Don't say anything.

You don't know
how this woman died."

Oh, I wish that were true.

- Oh, stop it.
- I hope you will try to give me

the same kind of sendoff
that I've given Mabel.

I'd like to be tied to balloons
and be sent aloft.

You or the puppet?
How many balloons...

The closer I can get
to my heavenly father,

the better I feel.

The happier I am.

Well, we can fire you
from a cannon.

I have never had
the kind of peace, tranquility,

and reassurance that I get
from the heavenly father.

And I am a little bit tired
of your behavior.

These are...
these are crocodile tears.

That is such a lie.
It's genuine.

It's welling up.
It's bubbling from inside me.

And it's painful.
[Doorbell rings]

Oh, there's the doorbell.
It must be Kip.

- Kip is there?
- Let's talk another day.

Why is he...

- Hi... hi, Gina.
- Hi!

- How are you?
- I'm great.

You're on the jet.

I'm gettin' wet on the jet.

- You sure are.
- [Laughs]

I can drink now, finally.

Yeah, well, it's been, what?

When was the baby born?
It was just a couple...

- Two weeks ago.
- Two... you look great.

I know, I had a c-section,
and they just...

They zipped that thing up.

'Cause, you know,
Gina's 'gina is precious.

[Chuckles]
Don't I know it?

- [Laughs] Yeah.
- No, I'm just kidding.

I'm sorry.
Are you, um...

are you in any pain,
or are you...

Fully recovered?

I'm completely
drinking so much.

I'm drinking my face off.
I can't feel a thing.

- Well, you would...
- I'm so happy.

You enjoy it.
You deserve it.

I know, I do.
It was awful.

Well, listen, the reason
I wanted to talk to you

is because Dr. Wallice really
wants to send a baby gift

- for-for baby Angus and...
- Oh. Tiffany's.

- Yeah, but, you know...
- Great place for a baby gift.

And they do,
they have those baby rattles

in silver
and stuff like that, which...

So cute in the blue box.

In the blue box,
but we can maybe...

maybe what we can do is bronze
something really valuable,

really personal,
like from the...

- I don't like bronze.
- Right, right.

'Cause at the Olympics,
like, you don't want the bronze.

That's a good point.
Well... well, we could dip it

- in any metal, but...
- Yeah.

And maybe get something
even more personal, like...

I don't want the silver either.

Gold. Sure.
We could take something...

- Gold?
- ...something of Angus's

and dip it in gold
and then give that to him

as a special gift, but...

Like his giant wanker.

Well, that would be awkward,

'cause the whole reapplication
of it might...

Oh, I can't take it off.
I get it, I get it.

Yeah, you see what I'm saying?

Maybe a fingernail or a hair.

Little lock of it...
Was he born with hair?

- No.
- No.

- He's bald.
- Uh-huh.

Has he had a solid poop?

Do you know?

I've never changed a diaper.

- I don't know.
- Oh, okay.

'Cause that might be something
that we can...

Well, a fingernail.
A little flake of skin.

I don't want to hurt him.
Um, you know,

but we can dip it in gold.

Whatever you can find...
a hair...

Well, if you could dip it
in a lot of gold...

- Oh, we...
- Like, I would like

- something, like...
- Yeah.

- We'll dip it.
- 100-karat gold.

100... okay.
We'll double-dip it.

- We'll make... it'll be...
- Double-dip it.

A lot of gold.
Lot of gold.

But what I'll need
is that little...

the trinket, whatever we can get
from him, like...

An eyelash, some earwax,

little heel skin or...

Well, you know what?

The... the thingy
on his belly button...

- Yeah.
- It hasn't come off,

- but it's about to come off.
- Oh. Yeah.

- And I could pull it off.
- Perfect.

And if we dipped it in gold,
it might make, you know...

- Yeah.
- A nice earring.

Uh...Perfect.
I'll send a courier.

- Hi, Fiona!
- Hello, Chris.

Hi, that was so much fun
last night.

You are a riot.

Well, it... whatever your
definition of fun is, I guess.

I have to say,
the evening started off...

nice enough.

You know, it was nice
to meet Fred.

He's a lot older
than I thought he would be.

My goodness, I mean,
of course I expected

maybe a, you know, cane or...
but he... on a gurney.

Well, he's always
had back issues.

Okay.

I mean, he was
an incredible golfer

earlier on in his life.

- When they invented golf?
- Freddie loved you.

Freddie has
the best sense of humor,

and I knew you two
would understand each other

and "hit it off."

How could you tell
he has a sense of humor?

He... The stroke he had
obviously left him

sort of expressionless.
He's very old.

Well, he's... but he looks good
for his age, I think.

How can you tell with...
You have to count his rings.

How many strokes has he had?

Oh, no, no.
He hasn't had a stroke.

He just had an allergic reaction
to some watermelon

he had earlier in the day.

So he sometimes... he forgets
he's allergic to certain kinds

- of tropical fruits.
- Oh.

We can communicate
just through the eyes sometimes.

That's all you have, I guess.

- Well, we also can sign.
- Oh.

Sometimes, you know,
when men get to be that age,

everything can be
very, very tricky.

And that's why
it's so important for me

to start a career.

Oh. Because he's not going
to leave you any of the money?

No, there's plenty of money
to be left,

but, you know,
I really want to start

branching out on my own.

I have a lot of ideas
for different fragrances

and a music album
that I would like to start.

I mean, I feel like
my potential is so great,

and I'm so beautiful, that I
have the world at my fingertips.

And once he's gone,
it's time to move on

and find some new passion
of mine.

Yes, well, that's all
wonderful for you,

but I don't understand
where I fit in.

I don't understand
why I had to be ambushed

by your reality cameras.

You didn't tell me
that you were

on the Real Housewives
of Houston.

Well, the show hasn't aired yet,

so this is going to be
episode number five,

and that's why I wanted you
to be in it,

because this is called "sweeps"
in the entertainment industry,

and this is the week
that everybody watches the show.

And I thought,
what a wonderful launch pad

for you to be seen with me
coming out,

and then you could be
associated with me.

I thought, what kind of gift
can I give back to you

after putting you through
such hell during our divorce?

- I want you...
- Putting me through hell again?

This is a launch pad
for you to get the fame

that you deserve
and the attention

that I've always thought
you should garner.

But it's your show.

I was just this sucker...

who was plied with drink.

You know, that wasn't right.

I only ordered
white-wine spritzers,

and then all of a sudden,
it's tequila and vermouth

and I don't know what.

Yes, you've done this before,
though, remember?

When we were in college?
You've done this before.

Yes, in college, people drink.

And then you're an adult,
and you drink more responsibly.

And that's what
I was attempting to do,

but someone... someone...
spiked my drinks.

Don't blame alcohol
on reality television.

Don't do it.
I won't hear it.

Then don't hear it,

but it's a fact
of what happened.

And then all the cameras
come out...

That's how reality television works.

But I didn't sign up for it.

You're not hearing
what I'm saying.

Let me se... I want to...

I want to send you some
of this footage right now.

I'm sending it to you
right now.

It's coming
through your email right now.

- Okay.
- Okay.

You look very sympathetic
in this,

and you look very beautiful,
and just remember,

we can fix the lighting,

and the camera
does add 35 pounds.

All right. Play.

Okay, come on.
Come on, come on.

[Whispering]
Follow me into the bathroom.

Ooh!

[Normal voice]
Oh, it's okay.

No. Oh!
No, I don't want it.

No, I don't want
to be on the show.

- No, it's... You do.
- I don't. That's why I left.

I'm... I ordered
white-wine spritzers...

See, I'm very drunk.

I know.
I know, it's okay, though,

if you still
have feelings for me.

You can call me
Christopher now.

- No, I don't!
- Yes, you do.

- No, I don't care.
- This is for you.

I still have a little nugget left...

- What?
- You slip all the way down.

Oh, I'm falling down!

You're not falling.
You're falling into me.

I didn't want it!
I didn't want to see it.

- Come back!
- That's horrible.

Oh, no, no, no. No.

No. No.

You look wonderful and natural,

and it's a natural setting
with a beautiful twist

and a story culmination
and arc for me.

- I finally have...
- Yes, for you.

Right, but us together.
We're together in this.

No, I don't want
to be on a show.

The answer is no.
It's simple.

Okay, I'm gonna send you
another link,

because I was fearful
that might be your reaction,

knowing you as well as I do.

And this link,
you're gonna look on,

and we'll blur your face,

and then there's going
to be subtitles

that will be spelling out
what you're saying,

so no one will even
really hear your voice.

- Play.
- Okay, come on.

Come on, come on.

[Whispering] Follow me
into the bathroom.

[Normal voice]
Oh, it's okay.

[Toilet flushes]

No, no.

That's not what I said.

I didn't say,
"I am Fiona Wallice."

So if we blur my face
and then you write...

- I didn't say it.
- You did.

I just saw the tape from before,
and I didn't say it.

You said a lot of things last night
that you don't recall.

- You were in a very...
- No, but they've been recorded,

and I viewed them, so...

But there was different times
of the night

where you recorded that
you probably don't remember.

This is the exact same scene.

It's just chyroned.

I don't know what...
what are you doing?

That's not
what you're thinking,

and that's not what
the audience wants to see.

I don't care what the audience
wants to see.

They're not going
to see any of it,

because I'm not signing
the release.

What about if I continue
your alimony payments?

How about a raise
in the alimony payments?

How about raising
the alimony payments?

Okay. That's a good idea
that you have.

- Okay.
- How about, um...

by a factor of ten?

What... and what would you mean
by a factor of ten

when we're talking
about $1,000 per month?

I can give you $1,200 a month.

No, no, that's not
nearly enough.

I want... I want...
$5,000 a month.

$1,250.
That's where I draw the line.

- $12,050?
- $1,250.

No, it's not enough.
Never mind.

Okay, listen.
$5,000 it is.

Well, that was very difficult
negotiation, but thank you.

I have the paperwork here
from the Bravo Network

right here, Fiona,
so I can just slip you a fax...

- Okay.
- And is your fax number

still the same
as what I have on record...

- The 888 number?
- Well, I'm not...

I... my fa...
I don't keep my fax...

You keep your fax
right next to you?

- Oh, yes. It's portable.
- You use it that much?

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

Maybe could we hear some music?

Is your victrola up and running?

I don't know what year it is
for you.

How do you want
to get this paperwork to me?

- If you don't have a fax...
- Well, this is recorded.

So right now I have it recorded
that you're agreeing

to pay me $5,000 a month
in perpetuity

to the same account
you've been paying.

Who is Perpetuity?

Um...

That means forever after.
Forever.

Okay.
I can agree to that.

- Oh, good.
- As long as Freddie's alive,

anyway, he can pay it to you.

If this show doesn't take off,
I can't guarantee

that I'll pay you the $5,000,
but if it does,

then you will have earned
the $5,000 per month.

No, no, no. This is...
"in perpetuity" is forever.

"As long as Freddie is alive"
is a week.

No, that's not going
to work for me.

Freddie has a long life
ahead of him.

He's got at least
six to eight months,

and if you count six,
and you count...

multiply five time six,
that's $30,000.

- Yes?
- And... yes.

And how many fax machines
can you buy with that?

Well, I don't need any,
as it happens.

Fiona, if you think you're
too good for a fax machine,

then you can go live
your high-society-falutin life.

- Okay? My goal...
- Well put.

My goal is to be on television
and to be a star.

This isn't a mistake,
this face.

I'm sorry. My goals
aren't as lofty as yours.

Okay, well,
we're not competing, anyway.

We're friends,
and we're in this together.

Right, so let's be friendly,

and you'll pay me
$5,000 a month

as payment for my humiliation.

Okay, that sounds great to me.

- All right. Good.
- Okay, well, we're...

- then we've agreed.
- We've agreed.

I have to say, Fiona,
that it was just sort of...

- [Sighs] It was just nice...
- It was.

...taking a walk
down memory lane with you.

You know, I feel
very, very connected to you.

I always have, and...

And I feel like last night
was a breakthrough for us.

Well, last night
was something else.

That's for sure.
But it's... it is nice.

I do feel like
I have a girlfriend.

Well, yeah.
Well, you do have a girlfriend.

You have a girlfriend
who's got a little left over

- from you-know-when.
- Oh, right.

And as favor
and as a thank-you,

I'm gonna send you
a little jpeg of my nugget.

Well...Anyway,

it was good to reconnect.

Hopefully,
it's not the last time.

No, I hope not.
All right, take care.

- [Smooches]
- What? Oh.

Take care.
All right.

[Smooches, exhales sharply, chuckles]

Hello, Austen.

Listen, do you know
anyone at Bravo?

Oh, yes, Andy...
that works.

Yeah. Listen, I need
to get a show canceled

before it debuts.

[Phone ringing]

[Fax machine warbling]
Oh, what do you know?

I still do have
the same fax number.

Oh, hello, Austen.

Hi, Fiona.

I have some terrible news.

Oh.

Angus is not my son.

Oh.

Gina now says she thinks
it's one of the workers

in the canning factory in Alaska.

Oh, probably.
Yes, okay.

She narrowed it down
to about 20.

- Oh.
- Apparently there was a night

of doing Jäger shots
nine months or so ago.

And they went ice fishing.

- Okay.
- Something happened in the hut.

- She can't quite remember.
- Oh, really?

But all I know is
Angus is not my seed.

I'm so sorry.

I know that
it's very disappointing to you.

It's just that
every other thing in my life

that I've wanted, I've got...

- Mm.
- Including you, Fiona Wallice.

- Well, you still have me.
- Thank you.

- [Giggles]
- That's good to know.

And now we're free.

We're not, actually,

because Gina's refusing
to divorce me.

- What?
- She won't divorce me.

She said
she's too used to the money.

She doesn't want to be
a single mother,

and I-I-I just feel like...
I can't divorce her.

The publicity
would be so terrible.

And, also, I just feel I owe her.

I-I felt it was my child,
and I married her,

and I feel that,
as a point of honor, I...

Point of honor?

Pay her a huge sum of money
to leave you high and dry.

Go back to Nome and bump
into the father at some orgy.

I wish that were possible, Fiona.

She has already made a plan.

She's...
[Sighs]

She wants the apartment
next door to you,

the sister penthouse.

- H-here?
- Mm-hmm.

- Here?
- Yeah.

She's already got plans
to move in there.

In fact, the decorators
have been in,

and the builders have started
doing preliminary...

- reconstruction work.
- Yes. No.

I've heard the noise.
It seemed very close.

Well, it's going to get closer,

because they're going to be
cutting a hole through the wall

and doing
an inter-joining doorway

between your living room
and our bedroom.

- No! What?
- Mm-hmm. Yes.

That's crazy. No, wait. It...

Oh. Oh, no. No, no, no.

It's gonna happen, Fiona.

She's a determined woman,

and I don't know
how to stop her.

Well, you stop her.
You put your foot down,

and you... you...

or take her back
to Scotland, okay?

Gather your clan, and then what...
How does it work?

"I divorce thee," three times.

Isn't that something?

There's nothing I can do, Fiona.

The woman is obsess...
She's obsessed with you.

She wants to be near you.

She wants the child
to be near you.

Well, I'll make her sorry
about that.

We're coming next week
to New York on Tuesday, in fact.

And, uh, some furniture
will be arriving...

Oh, I don't want it to happen.

It's going to happen,
and actually...

she actually wants you,

if you could possibly
do me a favor,

and look out
for a leopard-skin crib.

Do you know anywhere
that might stock that?

- Clip?
- Crib.

Oh. Okay. I'm sorry.

- I'm still getting used to the...
- To put little Angus in.

A crib, yes. Leopard print.

[Drill whirring]
It's... it's starting.

I hear drilling.

- That's it.
- Right here.

Yes, that's probably
the jacuzzi.

[Electric saw whirring]
Oh.

[Jazz music]

Then I will be the number-one
housewife of Houston,

and that can lead
to so many different

branding opportunities for me.

- And I just know, as...
- You're right, that is...

Those are my best interests.

[Laughter]

How about continuing
to pay the alimony payments?

How about a raise
in the alimony payments?

How about raising
the alimony payments?

- [Offscreen laughter]
- Okay...

[Laughter]

Good, $5,000 a month,
then I will sign it.

Okay, I have the paperwork
right here.

Is your fax number
still the same?

Um...

[Laughter]

I'm sorry.

Yet I have to have
a moment to prepare.

An actor prepares...
Have you ever read the book?

[Laughter]