All language subtitles for Web.Therapy.S03E08.HDTV.x264-EVOLVE-eng.EN

Previously on Web Therapy...

She was standing off to
the side with fistfuls of pills

putting them into her mouth,
and she did actually choke.

Okay, I understand.

So what can I tell you?

Mabel's dead, and I did it.

I'd be a wonderful,
um, sort of, you know,

endorser of products
in the digital area.

You're trying to get me to use you
for product placement?

I have some sort
of a gambling problem.

- Oh.
- My wife, I think,

is about to do an intervention.

I wanted to leave you
a message,

and I know
it's probably exciting

for you to be seeing me,
I know.

If I knew
who you were, maybe.

3.08 - Husband Hunting
Sync and corrected by Elderfel
www.addic7ed.com

Oh.

- Hello.
- Hi, it's you.

Yes, and it's you.

You left me a message.

I did, I did.

- Did you get it?
- I did. I did get it.

It seems that you are...
of the understanding

that we know each other.

I'm a little taken aback,

'cause you seemed like you
knew me, but I don't.

Oh, my goodness, I didn't even
realize I had to say who it was.

Well, it helps
when you're confronted

with a stranger
who seems very familiar.

It's Chris.

Okay, Chris, I'm Fiona.

I know who you are,
you silly little girl.

It's me.
It's Chris.

It's Chris Palmer.

What?
Christopher Palmer?

Look at me from the side.

I know you remember
that profile.

What?
Christopher Palmer was a boy

I knew in college.

A boy you married in college.

Yes, very briefly, so...

And now Chris is a woman.

Take a look.

What hap... What?

I thought you were just gay.

No, no, I'm anti-gay.

- Oh.
- I did the right thing,

and I got
gender reassignment surgery.

So you could have sex
with men.

- So it's not a sin.
- Right.

So I live in Houston now,
and I was thinking

about you and all
of the fun times we had,

however short-lived.

I was just thinking
about the days of college

and the romance.

You remember that weekend

- we spent in St. Barths?
- Yes.

- You remember that, don't you?
- Spring break.

That's when we decided
to get married.

I'll never forget...
I'll never forget you running

into the ocean, and your tushy

was just
boom boompa boomsy boomsy.

I'm probably sure it's not
in the same shape it was,

but those were the days.

No one's is anymore.

Well, except for me.

Oh. Yeah.

That is something.
So what is Endicott?

Who is Endicott?

That's my married name.

You're married?
Ooh.

Yes, I have a husband,
made an honest woman out of me.

Oh, and does he know
about Christopher Palmer?

Oh, not at all.

Okay, so this
is a secret meeting, okay.

- It's a secret meeting.
- Okay.

Well, that's interesting.

So they must have done

a top-notch job
on you down there.

It's not flawless, you know,
I'll be honest with you.

- Oh, okay.
- There's a little extra,

you know, cushion,
I would call it.

- Okay.
- It's not an actual...

It's something
that you can get away with

if you're with somebody
that's 20 or plus years older.

Oh, I see.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Or behaving as if I see.

I can show you.

- That's all right, no.
- No, I won't.

- Yeah, I don't.
- That's too... I mean, we just...

I don't want you to freak out,

but, um, I mean,
it's a beaut...

lovemaking can be beautiful
for a woman.

I've always admired
what it would be like,

and I always was jealous
of you.

When I was making love to you,

I thought, "Wouldn't it be great
to be her?"

Right, because
it's more relaxing.

You don't really have
to do much.

- No, you don't.
- You just lie there.

- Well, you could, but I don't.
- Oh.

- Yeah.
- Okay, well, good for you.

- Yeah, well, I'm very flexible.
- You're still competitive,

- aren't you?
- No, no, no, no, no, no,

I didn't mean it that way.

It's just I learned kind of,

when we experienced
all of our lovemaking,

I just realized
that was something

that I never wanted
to do to a man.

Okay.

- Just lie there.
- That's what I mean.

You're a very competitive
person, so even in the midst

of our lovemaking,
all you're thinking is,

"I could do better
than her."

Well, I am limber.

Okay, that's wonderful
for your husband Endicott.

- What's his name?
- Fred.

- It's Fred?
- Yes.

I call him Freddie for short.

Oh.

Two syllables actually take
longer than one, but for sure.

You're such a stickler
for details.

Or the truth, yes.

Oh, God, I love
your sense of humor.

- It's so ribald.
- We did have so much fun,

because it wasn't just the money
that was appealing about you,

although that was
a big part of it.

- That's sweet.
- But you know, the divorce,

I think, was a smart decision.

If you can't make it work
in bed, then yes.

It just wasn't
exactly what I was expecting.

You know, I always wanted
to be penetrated.

I didn't want to be
the penetrator.

- Oh.
- And that was something

that you didn't seem
to really understand or grasp.

Or be able to do,

given I had nothing
with which to penetrate you.

Well, when one really wants
to penetrate,

one will find a way to do it.

Right, which just goes to show
we weren't made for each other.

Anyway,
I was just thinking, well,

I actually noticed
your husband Kip campaigning.

Oh, right.
Yes, I'm married, too.

- Oh, where's the ring?
- Oh, it's here.

I can't... Oh.

From a long... you know,
we were both... I was, you know.

That's sweet.

Well, we believe in, you know,
traditional values

and hanging on
to the original, you know,

jewelry that you,
you know, were...

- Yes.
- ...committing to each other.

You must have really been
in love.

Yes, well, he's very... as you
see, he's very successful now.

- I mean...
- I saw that, and that

was what triggered
my calling you,

is because I realized that I've
been paying you alimony

for all these years, 17 years,

and you've actually
been married.

Oh, right.
Right. 18.

Okay, 18.

Oh, so it was meant to stop,

I guess, once I got married?

Was that the agreement?

It was so long ago,
I don't remember.

Yeah, that was the agreement,
actually.

- Okay.
- That's usually how it works

when somebody divorces someone
and then remarries.

Yeah, I'm sure it was in the
agreement, but you want it back?

Is that... is that
what you're trying to say?

Well, I mean, it wouldn't be
a terrible thing.

I mean, I feel a little bit...

I feel a little bit
taken advantage of.

- I mean...
- But no, of course not.

I would never take
advantage of you.

I didn't know that I had
the money, and I forgot

that many years later, you know,
when I got married.

Well, that's okay.
That's okay that you forgot.

I mean, you just have
to go and look into some

of your paperwork,
and you just find that money,

- and you can get it back to me.
- Oh.

Why don't you pull out your
calculator and multiply that?

I'm a therapist,

a mental health professional
now.

- Oh, okay.
- So you could've used my help,

I think, back when you were...

You're funny again.

This is why I love you.

I still feel like I love you.

- Really?
- A little piece of me, yes.

You know, you're so fun.

You've really lightened up,
I think,

because you were kind of...

you were really bitchy,
you know?

Tell me about it.

As a man, because maybe
you weren't your true self,

- and so... or...
- I feel like I owe the world

my true self,
and coincidentally

you owe me a $1/4 million
in alimony

since you've been married
for the last 18 years.

I'm sorry.
You kind of froze.

- Is your Internet working?
- Yes, it's working.

No, I don't hear you.
Oh, well.

Oh, we'll try it again.
Okay, bye-bye.

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
I got Aces high.

Ooh.
Okay.

So that's the River?

- What's the next?
- I don't know.

Let's see what he's gonna bet
on the River.

Okay. Ooh, I hope
it's all-in, don't you?

Yeah, if he goes all in,
and I got Aces high...

Mm-hmm.

He did it.
He went all-in.

- Oh, did he?
- He went all-in.

- Oh.
- Aces... I win!

- That's it, I won.
- Oh.

- 150 grand.
- Congratulations.

- That's awesome.
- Oh, wonderful.

Now you don't have to kill
"F" in Philly.

- Oh, I'm gonna kill him.
- Why, what? Why?

- Oh, yeah.
- Why would you?

- Well, he deserves it.
- For what?

- He just lost.
- That roller coaster,

I can't handle that.
I'm gonna kill him.

Look, just enjoy
your victory tonight.

You played so well as opposed
to the night before

when you made I don't know
how many mistakes.

My God, you had a 2 of Clubs
and a 3 of Hearts,

and, I don't know,
you were going for a Straight?

When does that ever happen?

What?

- What?
- How do you know that?

What?
I'm just recounting something

you had told me.

I don't remember telling you

any specifics
about the hands I had.

- Oh, you don't? Oh.
- No.

Maybe in your rage,
you experienced a blackout.

- That can happen.
- No.

I didn't give you any specifics
about the game last night.

You had to have told me
about it,

because how else would I know?

I couldn't know that,
because I'm not there.

- But you did know that.
- What?

No, I didn't know that.

Were you in the game
last night?

- What? No.
- Were you in the game?

In the game?

It's not "f'in Philly".

It's "F" in Philly.

- Well...
- Fiona in Philly.

Are you "F" in Philly?

- Is that you?
- Uh-huh, yes.

Well, yes.

Awesome!

- You're the best bluffer ever.
- Oh.

- You're like a genius.
- Oh, thank you.

You've been playing me
this whole time?

Well, not playing.

I was in the game last night,
and you know.

- That's incredible.
- Didn't just beat you.

- I...
- Well, we make a great team.

Yes, we did.
We really did.

That's what we should do.

That's what we should do.
You and me team up.

Yeah, well, I'll see you
on the boards.

Well, I'm better when I have
you as a companion

like this, like tonight.

We killed it.
We cleaned up.

Oh.
Oh, well, I have a busy life.

I don't think I can do
this every night, you know.

No, no, no, no, no, listen,
here's what we'll do.

I'll come there,
and we can play from your house,

and sometimes
we can play here from my place.

She... she won't even know.
You come in through the back.

Yeah, I don't think
that's going to happen.

Well, sure it is.

Well, I don't want it
to happen.

I didn't ask you
if you want it to happen.

I'm telling you
what's gonna happen.

I'll come there,
and I'll get you.

- You get me?
- Abduct?

Get you,
and then we'll play together.

It'll be fantastic.

Oh, that would be fun.

I actually... I have a career,
so, you know, I don't...

No, you know you don't.

- What?
- That's not a career.

Listen, this can be a career.

Trust me.

Well, I'd have to check
with my husband.

You don't have a husband.
He's gay.

He left you.
You told me that.

That's right.
I did.

- I have a boyfriend.
- No, you don't.

You know what?
It's unethical.

Why are you resisting?
It's unethical?

- You're fired.
- I'm a therapist.

You're fired.
Now it's wide open

for you and me to clean up
on the tables.

What do you say?

I respectfully decline.

No, no, I'll cut you in
a little more, 2%.

Honey, can you come
in here, please?

In a minute!
What do you say?

That's ridiculous,
first of all,

and, second of all,
I'm just not interested.

But you just doubled
your money.

- No, you'll do very well.
- Honey?

In a minute!

Okay, listen,
this is gonna be great.

- Our luck is just beginning, huh?
- I don't.

Who the fuck are you guys?

- Who is it?
- What are you doing?

- What is this?
- Oh.

Get off of me.
What the... Fiona!

Did you do this?

No, it's the intervention.

- I don't feel lucky right now.
- Go with it.

Oh, maybe I am lucky.

I'm gonna get in a game.

Hello, Fiona,
how are you, love?

I'm good, mother.

It's your mummy, yes, mummy.

Your mummy.
I've just left London,

and I've affected the most
wonderful English accent.

You're on Austen Clarke's jet?

Yes, I am.
Isn't he a lovely, lovely man?

He's the man
behind U.K. omni media

who bought Net Therapy.

Oh, what
a wonderful coincidence.

It is huge.
It's huge, Fiona.

Yes, I heard that you made out
very well.

So congratulations.

So I met him in London,
you know, because I went there

to receive my last payment
on the sale of Net Therapy.

What do you mean
your final payment?

How much?

Well, $60 million
was this final payment.

What? How much did you get
all together?

Oh, darling,
I never talk money.

- You just did.
- Anyway...

Did Austen mention me?

Oh, my dear,
when someone brings you up,

I stop them midsentence,
because that kind of thing

is not something
that I want to dwell on.

Well, so if someone says,
"Your daughter Fiona is lovely,"

you go, "Stop right there,
not another word"?

I have
a wonderful relationship

with Austen right now,
and I don't want to bring

any unpleasantness
into the scheme.

There's nothing unpleasant

about my relationship
with Austen.

I'm sure he'd only have
lovely things to say about me.

Did you know that Austen's
baby is to be born any day soon?

I hope, if you're still smitten
with him,

I hope
that doesn't set you back

or cause you any kind
of heartache or grief.

Well, I mean, you don't know
what my relationship

with him is, but it's
a very solid relationship,

and his, you know,
accidental impregnation of Gina

doesn't really affect me one way
or the other.

Why would it be accidental?

Well, he didn't intend
to impregnate her.

He told me he's so looking
forward to parenthood,

- being a father.
- Yes, well...

He says it's one of the great
joys that he's missed.

I told him, "Well, parenting
is not all that it's cracked up

to be, and it has never been
for me."

I cannot say that mothering
was a rewarding experience,

and I hope
that fathering will be

something more acceptable
to him, but... so I gave him

my condolences
and left it at that.

Oh, that's kind of you,

because I know he's actually

looking forward
to parenting this child.

They always do
before the child arrives.

- They always do.
- Oh, they always?

Like my father did?

I'm on my way
to Boston anyway.

You know, the English accent
will come in handy

in Boston, because there's
a similarity there.

- Yes, that's you.
- Cheerio.

You're a human sponge.

I'm going to be the eulogist
at Mabel's memorial service.

You remember Mabel
who died tragically.

A while ago.

Her family felt it was
a fitting delay before we did

a memorial, so I'm going
to deliver the eulogy,

and I thought,
I don't want to do

something ordinary
like most eulogists.

I want to do
something very special.

And so as a tribute to Mabel
and to our kind of community

where we met at the asylum
doing puppet theater,

I've decided to have a kind
of sock-o-drama memorial.

- Oh, that's cute.
- And at the appropriate moment,

my lips are stuck together.
I've had so much weed today.

Oh.
That's probably not good.

Anyway, as I was saying,
I will have Mabel tied

to a large bundle
of helium-filled balloons,

and then she will rise and go
aloft, presumably to heaven.

I think that will fill
everyone's heart, don't you?

That's so innovative
and forward-thinking.

Anyway, darling, the reason
I've called is I tried to reach

Kip on my mobile, but he seems
to be out of service range.

- Yes.
- I so need to speak with him.

Would you tell him that I rang?

Well, if I speak to him again,

I will, but I'm sure
as you know, that, you know,

Kip has left me, and he's,

you know,
living in new Mexico now.

I know.
I counseled him on that.

To divorce me?
Thank you.

Well, just to take a rather
extended leave of absence.

Okay, great, did you counsel...

Because I love and adore Ben.

- You do?
- Yes, I do.

He's a delightful gentleman.

Ben Tomlund?
He's horrible.

He's so good-looking.

Yuck.

And I do think there's a chance
he might be gay.

You think there's a chance
that Ben might be gay?

- Yes. A very tiny, tiny chance.
- Mother, he is gay.

Yes, Ben is
who Kip left me for.

Oh, no, no, no,
he may be reaching out

out of the generosity and the
milk of his human kindness.

You know, he has always been
someone to try

to pull young men up
by their bootstraps.

Or something else.

And I've always admired him
for that,

and they are so lovely
together and so much fun.

Mom, do you not know
that Ben is now in jail?

Because he tried to set me up.

You know that you did commit
that fraud.

Of course, I did not.

I didn't.
He set up an account.

I think we both... One does not
get set up for fraud.

Yes, if Ben's behind it,
you do.

He played a very good game,
but I beat him at it.

- How's that?
- I won't listen to you.

I will not listen
to another word you're saying.

She won't listen.
Just stop it, stop it, stop it.

He played a very good game,
but I beat him at it.

Oh! Oh, turbulence.
Oh, oh, dear.

- A little turbulence.
- Oh, I hope it is.

I love turbulence.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Let me get that.

Oh. I never knew
where to find those.

I had my dentist replace the
oxygen here with nitrous oxide.

- Oh.
- Have you ever had sex

during autopilot when there's
turbulence in the aircraft?

- No, I...
- Catoot, catoot.

The pilot is so adorable,
darling.

Hello, Sylvie.
It's good to see you again.

Hello, Fiona.
How are you?

I'm fine.
You look wonderful.

Thank you.
I feel so good.

- Oh.
- I'm so excited.

I was actually just calling
to thank you.

Oh, that's so nice, thank me
for my wonderful advice.

Oh, did you sue? Did you file
a sexual harassment...

No, no, no, it wasn't that.

- Oh.
- It wasn't that.

It was something else
that you said

that just was, like,
so brilliant.

Oh, be alluring and seductive,
because you are now.

Oh, thanks.
No, no, it wasn't that either.

It wasn't actually, like,
any advice you really gave me.

- Uh-huh.
- It was just that you

were talking about the mocktail

and bringing it
into the digital space

- and product placement.
- Right, because I influence

my clients,
which now you well know.

Right, right. Well, that part
wasn't that good,

because you don't have
that many clients, but the part

that was good was
I just started thinking, like,

oh, because it's
not a traditional beverage,

it's like, in powder form, you
actually could sell it online,

because it's easy to order,
so that was, like, a good fit.

- Mm-hmm.
- Anyway, blah, blah, blah.

I ended up calling the company,
and I talked to them

about bringing it
into the digital world,

and they loved the idea.

- Ooh.
- They freaked out.

- Wonderful.
- Yeah, it's amazing,

and not only did they love
the idea, they are, like,

wanting to hire me

as their in-house
product placement person,

so basically, like,
I can go work for Kraft now.

- Oh.
- It's, like, my dream job.

- They're a huge company.
- Yeah, it's, like, enormous.

So now they want me,
of course, to drink it in front

of my clients,
and then they tell someone,

and then they tell someone
and like that?

No.
No, no, no, I didn't really talk

about that part of it,
because I, you know, like,

I'm not gonna say, like,
"Oh, I talked

to this web therapist,"
you know.

Well, that's
a little unethical.

I mean, I think
I am consumer zero,

so, you know, the epidemic
of this drink exploding

into a huge trend starts with
consumer zero, and that is I.

I think it would be kind of
unethical to be partnering up

with a therapist
in a business venture.

You know, like, there's no way

for me
to really bring you along.

But I am also an inventor.

I mean, I invented the modality
of web therapy,

so that's not so hard
to fathom, is it?

No.

And so I also invented the idea

of having consumer zero.

I just came up with it,
and it's genius.

- Right. I just...
- It's a beautiful

marketing idea.

You market it as,
say it's like a virus,

this thing spreads like a virus,
it's like the Influenza

of drinks, and,
instead of patient zero,

it's consumer zero,
and you feature me.

- Right.
- Oh, it's brilliant.

No, I'll be... I'll be sure
to mention that.

I mean,
maybe they'll love the idea

of their drink
being like a disease.

- Yes.
- You never know.

That could kind of...

A pandemic.

A pandemic, yeah,
a pandemic beverage, totally.

- Right, right.
- Yeah, I'm gonna say that

to them,
but anyway it's awesome,

but I haven't told them here yet

that I'm gonna quit,
because they want

to promote me once they heard
this Kraft thing.

- Mm-hmm.
- So what I did was, like,

I basically said yes, because
you were kind of like telling me

- to put myself first.
- Right.

But what I'm gonna do
is I'm gonna quit...

as soon as my stock options
come in here,

I'm gonna quit, and I'm
gonna take that other job.

Oh, well, that's wonderful.

- And I was, like, oh, finally.
- Very smart.

Thank you.
I was, like, finally, you know,

I'm playing,
like, the game of life,

basically is what I feel
like you were telling me.

I mean, I'm sure you're going
to, you know, make Mike

really regret not staying
with you,

because you're so confident,
and, you know,

it's very appealing
and sexy, and you're pretty.

Oh, thank you so much.

- Good for you.
- Yeah, he's actually, like,

already starting
to flirt with me.

I think, like, when he heard
I got this big job, I mean,

maybe he thinks I can help him
out or whatever.

- Oh, I'm sure.
- But he's just like, I'm sure,

I mean, I don't know.

You know, I mean,
it could be genuine.

Yeah, he might like you.
He might.

I don't think so, but...

Maybe me just being, like,
more confident,

like he's seeing
that good side of me

that he kind of loved
at the beginning, so, anyway,

but, yeah, I feel like
that could... or it's weird.

It's just, like, one moment

you're kind of, like,
falling apart...

- Right.
- And stalking somebody almost,

and then the next minute,
it's like everything is great.

Not almost. Yeah, you were,
you were stalking him.

You'd lost it.
You'd lost it.

I wasn't really stalking him.

Well, you'd lost
your mind a little bit.

You had.

And then I helped you put it
back together,

humpty dumpty,
an impossible... a Herculean task

that I accomplished,
and I was happy to do it.

That's what I'm here for.

Right, well, thank you.

Yeah, your mind was closed.
I opened it.

But, yeah, so I think

I'm actually gonna take him
with me...

- Oh.
- ...to Kraft when I go there.

- Really?
- Like, hire him,

because he was kind of, like,

begging for a job, so...

That's so nice of you.

Yeah, but then, like,
here's the great part.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm gonna dump him

and fire him the next week.

Oh, all right.

Well, ooh,
you're a formidable...

I know.

...force, I guess,
in the workplace now.

It's all you.
Thank you so much.

Oh, you're welcome.

I mean, you're like an angel
of darkness.

- Oh, oh.
- Isn't that funny?

Well, I don't see myself
that way.

Angel of light,
of illumination, you know.

Well, I see that there's,
like, you know,

darkness in the world,
and you kind of got

to harness it to get ahead.

- Well...
- So I appreciate that.

That's one way
of looking at it.

And I just wanted
to thank you,

because I really, truly feel

like you just turned
my life around.

Oh, you're so welcome.

Although it reminds me,
because first,

like, I had started to dispute
my PayPal charge to you,

but I should actually
reverse that

now that I'm thinking about it.

I think,
like, you know, I really,

I can't thank you enough.

Oh, no, I'll forgive it.

I'll forgive it in lieu of,
you know, whatever commission

you and I come up with
for this new deal.

That's funny.
Good one.

Yeah.
It's not a joke.

I think we need to figure out
what my cut is.

- What do you mean your cut?
- Well, this was my idea.

You know, it's
an intellectual property thing.

You know, I own the idea of,
you know, mocktails digital.

Oh, no, no, no.

I gave you that idea,
so something...

Oh, right, but you
also gave me

your client list,
which was kind of unethical,

so I'm sure
the psychological review board

wouldn't want to hear that.

See, look at me looking out

for number one
just like you told me.

I finally got it straight.

Cheers.

- Hello, Chris.
- Hi, Fiona.

Hi.
Good to see you again.

How fun. We really are
girlfriends chatting, huh?

You kill me.

Um, I-I, this is
such a hard conversation

for me to have with you.

The money again?

It's not so much
about the money this time.

Oh, okay.

I wasn't 100% honest
with you when we first spoke.

Oh.

And I wanted to clarify

a couple of things
and then possibly ask

for not only your forgiveness
but maybe your assistance.

- Huh.
- I've had some troubles

in my marriage recently.

I've given my husband Freddie
no reason to mistrust me

or second guess anything
that I tell him.

- Right.
- Although I am having an affair.

- Oh.
- And I wasn't

completely upfront about that,

and he became very suspicious
over the last couple of months,

and he went through my things.

- Okay.
- He read my diary...

- Oh.
- Which didn't have

any truth in it,
so that was all right.

Okay.

Because it was set up
that way.

- Right.
- But he also burgled my desk.

- Oh.
- And he found

- my first marriage folder.
- Oh.

It says... what does that say,
"My First Marriage"?

Yeah, I just said that.

- Right.
- Okay.

Yeah, that's a great way
to have a secret folder.

Well, inside of this folder
are pictures of you and Kip.

- Okay.
- Do you follow me?

No.
Oh, my first marriage,

and there are pictures
of me and Kip.

Okay, so he's in danger

of finding out
about your previous self.

He doesn't know
that I was married to a woman.

All right. What?
Right.

- Hello.
- Oh, he thinks Kip?

He thinks I was married
to Kip, yes.

To Kip, oh, okay.
All right.

So what I need from you,

Fiona... can you please look at me

- when I'm talking to you?
- I'm sorry.

I had an itch in my eye.
That's okay.

And I figured by the time I
understand what you're saying,

maybe I had a chance
to scratch it.

Are you all right?

Is everything okay
with your vision?

Yes, I'm fine.

I see you.
You're still a woman.

- Okay.
- All right.

At your age,
some people can contract...

No, my age is fine.
It's fine.

- Okay.
- I don't have, what, cataracts?

Is that what you were going
to say?

I don't have them,
because... I don't know what age

you think I am,
but it's around the same age

as you, maybe a little old...

Anyway, what's your point?

It's not about me.

It's not, actually.
It's more about me.

- Right.
- So I was calling to see

if maybe we could set

some sort of dinner up
to get my husband Freddie

off of my trail, maybe track him
onto another scent.

Since he believes that I was
married before, and I told him

to Kip, he thinks that I have
reignited my affair with Kip

and that's who I'm having
an affair with,

and, in fact, that's not
who I'm having an affair with.

I'm having an affair with a man
named Ronald.

- Okay.
- But he doesn't know anything

about Ronald, so I know
that I can convince him

if we could just have dinner,
the four of us...

- Right.
- And Kip could be all over you,

- and I know that he's gay.
- Right.

Does your husband
not know that he is?

Because the press clippings,
I mean, it was a big story.

Right.
My husband, he has cataracts.

- Oh.
- So he's not a great reader.

- Okay.
- So he doesn't...

That's why I brought it up.

It wasn't to insult you
or to imply

that you were aging rapidly.

I'm actually very familiar
with the disease.

Um, all right,

so you need me and Kip?

What I'm proposing, Fiona,
to you is an idyllic setting,

something, a dinner of sorts,
breaking bread, if you will,

it would be a double date,
in essence.

It would be you and Kip
and me and Freddie.

And Kip would be all over you,
pawing at you, you know,

very sexually aggressive
at the dinner table.

That's not his style, really.

Well, can it be
for one night?

Well, if I could get him for
one night, but that's unlikely.

We're in the middle
of divorce proceedings.

- Oh, that's too bad.
- So, yeah.

But are you still in contact?

Yes, yeah, no, it's still...

it's friendly.

Okay, well, I think
you can give it a whirl.

Well, do you know what?

I will give it a whirl
if you can drop

all of your efforts
to reclaim the alimony.

Oh, that isn't even
on the table anymore.

I forgot about that after we
were done Skyping the last time,

- you know, I mean...
- Oh, so this really

is a girlfriend asking
another girlfriend for a favor.

It is.
That's exactly what it is.

- Thank you for seeing that.
- Oh, how fun.

I'm in on something.

Yes, it's like two old buddies

that used to be married

and one was the opposite gender,

and now we're back together,

and it's our souls
that are reconnecting...

- Right.
- ...to convince my husband

that what I'm doing
is not happening.

Right, well,
here's what I can do.

I'll tell you what I can do,

is that I actually have footage

of Kip with the boyfriend,
right, so I could bring that.

I have all the footage
from the camp.

It's a long story.

But anyway, I have evidence,

you know, of Kip's affair.

And I'd be happy
to show that to Freddie,

and then there's no doubt
that this very gay man

would never be interested
in the woman you are now.

That's very, very smart.

I like the way you think.

Well, it's just thinking.

Well, you've always
been smart.

- Well.
- You've always been smart,

very sexual.

Yes. That's me.

I feel like,
when I look at you,

it's almost as if I'm looking
in the mirror.

- Oh.
- Obviously, it's more

of a funhouse mirror,

but it's still
a mirror nonetheless.

- Right.
- I feel almost like...

I've never had a twin.

Neither have I.

But I feel
like I might have one now.

- Oh.
- It's almost like we can finish

each other's sentences,
don't you think?

- I'm sure, yes.
- Let's try it.

- Right now?
- Yes.

The sky is...

Blue.

Right.

Oh, see?
Look at that.

That is a high level
of connection.

- Let's try one more.
- Okay.

And I'll start it,
and then you can finish it.

- Okay.
- The other day I was driving

down the street, and my chauffer
turned around and said to me...

"Are you sure you want
to drink that much?"

Maybe we took
the game too far.

I was just pretending
I were you.

I don't have a chauffer,

so I imagined
that you have a chauffer.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

And so I was supposed
to be you in the scenario.

That's totally my fault.

Ever since I've been down here,
I've just lost a grip

on what regular people...
I live in a rarified world.

Do you have children?
I wonder.

- I don't.
- Okay. Neither do I.

I can't have children
with my situation.

- Oh.
- I think that was

kind of a silly question.

Well, people adopt children,

or they have surrogates
have children for them.

- Or they steal them.
- Yes.

- And I wouldn't steal a baby.
- No.

It's not the type of person
that I am.

Right.
And, if you won't steal a baby,

then certainly
you won't adopt one or... okay.

Okay, this sounds
like a wonderful plan.

Oh, good.
All right.

So fantastic, and I have access
to a private plane,

so it's no problem for me
to get to... It's Houston?

- You're in Houston?
- Yes, I live in Houston.

- Okay.
- That's in Texas.

- Well, yes, I know that.
- Oh, okay.

I didn't know if you were
familiar with all the geography.

Of the State of Texas?

Well, I mean, I know Houston.

Oh, I didn't know if you
actually... I didn't know...

- Houston's very famous.
- Oh.

I didn't know that you
were familiar with the South.

Yes, no, I am.
I mean, I...

You're more of a city girl.

You've always been
more of a city girl,

- so I didn't know...
- Right.

But I did attend school,
and I did, you know,

have to memorize the 50 states.

- Okay.
- Right.

Do you know what the capital
of Texas is?

Well, it's in Austin.

That's a good girl.

All right.

- Well...
- Good-bye.

Oh!

- Oh, Fiona, Fiona.
- Hello.

I'm at the hospital.
Gina, she went into labor.

She's having the baby
two weeks early.

Oh.
Oh, my goodness.

Oh, it must have been
all that frolicking last night

at the wedding bachelorette.

...and there was people touching her
in the wet t-shirt contest.

Everything, it just kind
of jingled everything out,

and it's all, so, yeah, I'm here
at the nurses' station.

They're letting me Skype you.

She's just through there.
She wants me to help her push,

but frankly, you know,
I think that baby

is not gonna touch the sides...

- on its way out.
- That's true.

Well, what fun, you had
a wedding last night...

- Yes.
- Her bachelorette party,

the wet t-shirt contest,
and whatever else

we missed after we left.

And then I spent the night
with you.

Oh. I have to say,
I had more fun

on your wedding night
than I had on my own.

Wait, but I just left you
at 6:00 this morning,

so when did it happen?

Oh, well, apparently,
she went straight

from the Chippendales
to the buffet at the casino,

and it was there
her waters broke

when she was standing
in the line,

and sadly three people

sustained concussions
when they slipped

on the fluids and banged
their heads

- against the sneeze guard.
- Oh.

But, you know, out of pain
there comes joy.

- Little Angus is on his way.
- Yes. Oh, that's wonderful.

Yeah, yeah.

Hopefully there will be
no lawsuits, okay.

Oh, that's her screaming.

- I've got to go.
- Oh, will I lose you

this weekend for our rendezvous
in New York?

- I'll see you soon.
- But will I see you?

You're going the wrong way!

Oh, okay, well,
that started already.

Oh, no, no, no,
we don't have bugs.

My husband's so wealthy
that he was able to pay off

all the people who are
in charge of the bugs.

- It's Fred?
- Yes.

I call him Freddie for short.

Okay.

You know that that...
it takes longer

to say the two syllables
than...

It's ineffable, the feelings

that I'm feeling
just right everywhere.

It's funny how you know very
sophisticated words at times,

and then at other times...