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1
00:00:35,114 --> 00:00:37,283
All right, Dad, we're gonna
be in Florida for 3 days.
2
00:00:37,350 --> 00:00:38,716
I made you lunches and dinners,
3
00:00:38,784 --> 00:00:40,417
but you're on your own for
breakfast, all right?
4
00:00:40,485 --> 00:00:43,886
Well, breakfast is the most
important meal of the day,
5
00:00:43,954 --> 00:00:45,052
but I'll find something.
6
00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:47,988
Perhaps a stray Cocoa
Puff on the floor.
7
00:00:48,056 --> 00:00:50,155
Dad, please don't start.
8
00:00:50,223 --> 00:00:52,023
We visit Doug's
parents once a year.
9
00:00:52,091 --> 00:00:53,023
Just deal with it.
10
00:00:53,092 --> 00:00:54,924
How come you never
come visit me?
11
00:00:56,726 --> 00:00:58,659
Well, you live here, Dad.
12
00:00:58,727 --> 00:01:00,827
I mean really visit.
13
00:01:00,895 --> 00:01:04,162
Sit and chat, get to know
my likes, my dislikes,
14
00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:07,064
my turn-ons, my turn-offs.
15
00:01:07,132 --> 00:01:08,264
You know what my turn-off is?
16
00:01:08,332 --> 00:01:10,399
Old men who leave their
pajama fly open.
17
00:01:10,467 --> 00:01:12,601
Well, you know what
my turn-off is?
18
00:01:12,668 --> 00:01:16,403
So-called "happily married"
guys looking for a free show!
19
00:01:20,806 --> 00:01:24,073
Joe, you shouldn't be
carrying our bags. Really.
20
00:01:24,140 --> 00:01:25,407
Come on. It's my joy.
21
00:01:25,475 --> 00:01:27,808
Doug, why are you letting
your father carry our bags?
22
00:01:27,875 --> 00:01:29,910
Uh, it's his joy.
23
00:01:29,977 --> 00:01:32,076
There they are!
24
00:01:32,144 --> 00:01:33,077
Hey, Rocky!
25
00:01:33,145 --> 00:01:34,978
Get up here!
26
00:01:35,046 --> 00:01:36,046
You're a bum!
27
00:01:36,113 --> 00:01:37,379
You're a bum! You're a bum!
28
00:01:37,448 --> 00:01:39,948
Look at this. Yeah,
you remember Carrie.
29
00:01:40,015 --> 00:01:41,881
You licked her face and got
sick from all the makeup.
30
00:01:41,949 --> 00:01:43,450
Yeah.
31
00:01:43,517 --> 00:01:47,318
I took it down a coat
just for you, Rocky.
32
00:01:47,385 --> 00:01:50,086
So look around. You notice
anything different in here?
33
00:01:50,154 --> 00:01:53,254
Uh, more wicker?
34
00:01:53,322 --> 00:01:55,422
No. We painted.
35
00:01:55,490 --> 00:01:57,590
Oh. Well, what color
was it before?
36
00:01:57,658 --> 00:01:59,691
The same. We just
freshened it up.
37
00:01:59,759 --> 00:02:01,459
OK, OK, the kids don't
care about the paint.
38
00:02:01,526 --> 00:02:03,126
Listen, we got a
real treat for you.
39
00:02:03,194 --> 00:02:06,061
We got all our old super-8s
transferred to video.
40
00:02:06,128 --> 00:02:07,462
We've gone high-tech.
41
00:02:07,529 --> 00:02:08,763
Oh, good for you.
42
00:02:08,831 --> 00:02:10,263
Maybe someday you'll get a phone
43
00:02:10,330 --> 00:02:12,932
you don't have to dial.
44
00:02:14,899 --> 00:02:17,201
Hey, Arthur. I need a favor.
45
00:02:17,268 --> 00:02:18,534
You know my girlfriend Denise?
46
00:02:18,602 --> 00:02:21,502
The one with the balcony you
could do Shakespeare off of?
47
00:02:21,569 --> 00:02:22,703
Yeah.
48
00:02:22,771 --> 00:02:25,904
Anyway, um, she really
wants to meet my mother,
49
00:02:25,971 --> 00:02:27,439
and I can't put it off anymore,
50
00:02:27,507 --> 00:02:29,773
and I know my mom is not
going to approve of her.
51
00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:31,308
Why wouldn't she approve?
52
00:02:31,375 --> 00:02:34,008
Well, you know, no one's
good enough for her son.
53
00:02:35,543 --> 00:02:36,477
OK.
54
00:02:36,544 --> 00:02:37,844
Listen, listen, listen.
55
00:02:37,911 --> 00:02:39,210
You know my mom
really likes you,
56
00:02:39,278 --> 00:02:41,145
so I thought we could have
dinner here on neutral ground,
57
00:02:41,213 --> 00:02:43,680
and you could be,
like, a buffer.
58
00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:45,047
Elaborate.
59
00:02:45,115 --> 00:02:47,015
Just... if things get
tense or awkward,
60
00:02:47,083 --> 00:02:49,616
you jump in and say something
to distract my mom.
61
00:02:49,684 --> 00:02:52,852
So you want me to be
your rodeo clown.
62
00:02:54,419 --> 00:02:55,620
What's in it for me?
63
00:02:55,688 --> 00:02:57,453
What do you want?
64
00:02:57,521 --> 00:03:00,555
Let me see. You
work in the subway.
65
00:03:02,757 --> 00:03:04,390
I want to drive a train.
66
00:03:04,458 --> 00:03:05,858
You...
67
00:03:05,925 --> 00:03:06,858
Are you crazy?
68
00:03:06,925 --> 00:03:08,125
I... I just sell tokens.
69
00:03:08,193 --> 00:03:09,960
I can't let you drive a train.
70
00:03:10,028 --> 00:03:12,461
Then I want to make announcements
over the loudspeaker.
71
00:03:12,529 --> 00:03:16,196
I'm sitting on some very
funny subway banter
72
00:03:16,264 --> 00:03:19,398
including a bawdy routine
about the "F" train.
73
00:03:19,466 --> 00:03:21,799
I can't do that either.
74
00:03:21,867 --> 00:03:23,534
Fine.
75
00:03:23,602 --> 00:03:26,001
Then I'll take a metro
cap and a tie tack.
76
00:03:26,068 --> 00:03:27,302
Done!
77
00:03:27,370 --> 00:03:29,736
And the other guy blinked.
78
00:03:35,073 --> 00:03:38,007
Hey, look. Dougie's
high school graduation.
79
00:03:42,845 --> 00:03:44,543
Hey, look at that! That's
me and you, buddy.
80
00:03:44,611 --> 00:03:47,011
And that was our
bicentennial barbecue.
81
00:03:54,783 --> 00:03:56,116
What are you...
82
00:03:56,184 --> 00:04:01,452
Wear... wearing some kind
of Uncle Sam costume?
83
00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:04,287
It was Wonder Woman.
84
00:04:07,257 --> 00:04:08,889
Why were you wearing
Wonder Woman?
85
00:04:08,956 --> 00:04:11,591
Ask her, OK? She bought it.
86
00:04:11,658 --> 00:04:14,559
It wasn't Wonder Woman.
It was Uncle Sam.
87
00:04:14,627 --> 00:04:17,060
He doesn't know what
he's talking about.
88
00:04:17,128 --> 00:04:19,060
Yeah, I was the only
Uncle Sam with cleavage.
89
00:04:22,597 --> 00:04:23,530
Hey, look!
90
00:04:25,433 --> 00:04:27,365
There you are again, buddy.
91
00:04:29,601 --> 00:04:31,634
Huh?
92
00:04:31,702 --> 00:04:33,301
You got that look in your eye.
93
00:04:33,369 --> 00:04:34,903
Do you wanna go outside
and do your business?
94
00:04:34,971 --> 00:04:36,536
Come on. Let's go.
Now, you know what?
95
00:04:36,604 --> 00:04:39,039
Do me a favor. Pause it.
Hey, Rocky?
96
00:04:39,107 --> 00:04:40,539
As long as we're on a break,
97
00:04:40,607 --> 00:04:42,506
I'm gonna go do some
business myself.
98
00:04:44,675 --> 00:04:47,109
Uh, Janet, question for you.
99
00:04:47,176 --> 00:04:50,544
How old was Doug
when he got Rocky?
100
00:04:50,611 --> 00:04:52,545
Oh, I don't know. 11?
101
00:04:52,613 --> 00:04:55,546
Doug's 38 now.
102
00:04:55,614 --> 00:04:57,381
That's right.
103
00:04:57,449 --> 00:04:59,449
You know, you look beautiful
in that top, darling.
104
00:04:59,517 --> 00:05:01,049
Where did you buy that?
105
00:05:01,117 --> 00:05:05,083
Well, then that would
make Rocky... 27.
106
00:05:05,151 --> 00:05:07,653
Oh, I don't think so.
107
00:05:07,721 --> 00:05:10,154
Well, Janet...
108
00:05:10,222 --> 00:05:13,589
38 minus 11 is 27.
109
00:05:13,657 --> 00:05:17,391
What does such a pretty
girl need with math?
110
00:05:17,459 --> 00:05:18,459
Janet.
111
00:05:18,525 --> 00:05:19,725
OK.
112
00:05:19,793 --> 00:05:21,961
Rocky died.
113
00:05:22,028 --> 00:05:25,062
We replaced him 'cause we didn't
want Dougie to get upset.
114
00:05:27,131 --> 00:05:28,496
Wow.
115
00:05:28,564 --> 00:05:30,898
Don't you think that's...
unhealthy?
116
00:05:30,966 --> 00:05:32,566
Unhealthy?
117
00:05:32,634 --> 00:05:35,000
Look how happy Dougie is.
118
00:05:35,068 --> 00:05:36,701
Hi!
119
00:05:38,469 --> 00:05:40,736
So who's ready for cheesecake?
120
00:06:06,416 --> 00:06:08,149
This is great, huh?
121
00:06:08,217 --> 00:06:10,884
My 2 best gals finally
breaking bread together.
122
00:06:10,952 --> 00:06:12,651
Yeah, it's, um...
123
00:06:12,719 --> 00:06:14,385
It's really great to meet you, Mrs.
Olchin.
124
00:06:14,453 --> 00:06:17,386
Spence is just such
a wonderful guy.
125
00:06:17,454 --> 00:06:19,088
You can thank me for that.
126
00:06:19,156 --> 00:06:21,123
He was a little bastard as a kid
127
00:06:21,190 --> 00:06:24,225
till I spanked it out of him.
128
00:06:24,292 --> 00:06:26,825
Great. Thank you.
129
00:06:26,893 --> 00:06:29,260
I smacked his bottom so red
130
00:06:29,328 --> 00:06:31,061
it looked like an Indian's ass.
131
00:06:31,128 --> 00:06:32,395
Mom!
132
00:06:32,462 --> 00:06:35,862
Excuse me! Native
American's ass.
133
00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:40,332
Actually, um, it's funny.
134
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,434
A couple of months ago, um, we were
just goofing around in the snow,
135
00:06:43,502 --> 00:06:45,901
and Spence fell right on
some ice really hard.
136
00:06:45,968 --> 00:06:47,670
Anyway, when we got
back to his place,
137
00:06:47,737 --> 00:06:49,137
his butt was so red!
138
00:06:50,705 --> 00:06:52,539
She's seen you naked?!
139
00:06:54,174 --> 00:06:57,241
We agreed you're
saving yourself!
140
00:06:57,309 --> 00:06:58,809
Mom!
141
00:06:58,876 --> 00:07:01,243
Oh, no, um, I didn't
see him naked.
142
00:07:01,311 --> 00:07:03,644
He told me his butt was red...
143
00:07:03,712 --> 00:07:07,213
over the phone. I was in church.
144
00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:10,914
You talk on the
phone in church?!
145
00:07:10,981 --> 00:07:13,216
Arthur.
146
00:07:13,283 --> 00:07:14,282
Yes?
147
00:07:16,618 --> 00:07:17,885
Do you have anything to say?
148
00:07:17,952 --> 00:07:20,019
I don't think so.
149
00:07:20,087 --> 00:07:23,687
Excuse me. I'm gonna
grab some ketchup.
150
00:07:27,891 --> 00:07:28,956
What are you doing in there?
151
00:07:29,024 --> 00:07:31,092
You're supposed to jump
in if things get tense.
152
00:07:31,159 --> 00:07:32,758
I thought it was
going magnificently.
153
00:07:32,826 --> 00:07:35,594
It is not! Just jump in, OK?
154
00:07:35,661 --> 00:07:37,928
So I finally had to tell Spence,
155
00:07:37,995 --> 00:07:40,896
"you can watch Three's Company,
156
00:07:40,964 --> 00:07:43,030
but your keep your hands
where I can see 'em."
157
00:07:43,098 --> 00:07:44,932
Because I knew...
158
00:07:44,999 --> 00:07:47,299
Hey! We're back!
159
00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:50,268
And, uh, Arthur, you had a
question for my mom, didn't you?
160
00:07:50,335 --> 00:07:52,135
Yes, I did.
161
00:07:52,203 --> 00:07:57,003
Veronica, I was wondering,
is that your real hair?
162
00:07:58,873 --> 00:08:00,274
What? Yes!
163
00:08:00,342 --> 00:08:01,773
Uh-huh. And the teeth?
164
00:08:03,509 --> 00:08:06,075
All except the
really white ones.
165
00:08:06,143 --> 00:08:09,144
Well, the whole
package is exquisite.
166
00:08:09,212 --> 00:08:12,212
Oh. Oh, Arthur.
167
00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:13,947
You're so sweet.
168
00:08:23,486 --> 00:08:25,718
OK, Rock. I'm gonna
throw these socks,
169
00:08:25,786 --> 00:08:27,287
and you're gonna go get 'em, OK?
170
00:08:27,354 --> 00:08:28,587
And then you're
gonna eat lightnin'
171
00:08:28,655 --> 00:08:30,788
and crap thunder.
172
00:08:30,855 --> 00:08:32,989
But not in the house.
173
00:08:33,057 --> 00:08:34,290
All right, ready? Here we go.
174
00:08:34,357 --> 00:08:36,457
Go get the socks. Go get 'em!
175
00:08:36,525 --> 00:08:38,658
Doug: Come on. I
taught you this trick.
176
00:08:38,726 --> 00:08:39,658
You know it.
177
00:08:39,726 --> 00:08:41,294
Hello. Hello.
178
00:08:41,361 --> 00:08:42,295
Doug.
179
00:08:42,362 --> 00:08:43,294
Yeah?
180
00:08:43,361 --> 00:08:44,594
You love Rocky, don't you?
181
00:08:44,662 --> 00:08:45,696
Sure.
182
00:08:47,631 --> 00:08:49,732
OK, this is hard for me.
183
00:08:51,299 --> 00:08:54,834
There's something that I kind
of feel like I should tell you,
184
00:08:54,901 --> 00:08:56,569
but I don't really want to,
185
00:08:56,636 --> 00:08:59,636
but you're an adult, and
I think you should know.
186
00:08:59,704 --> 00:09:01,203
What?
187
00:09:01,271 --> 00:09:02,837
Oy, how do I do this?
188
00:09:02,905 --> 00:09:05,972
OK, what year was
the bicentennial?
189
00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:08,473
1776.
190
00:09:14,044 --> 00:09:17,579
No, that was the actual thing.
191
00:09:17,647 --> 00:09:21,046
I'm talking about
the anniversary.
192
00:09:21,114 --> 00:09:23,715
That barbecue that you and
Rocky were at in that video.
193
00:09:23,782 --> 00:09:25,782
Oh, 1976. Right.
194
00:09:25,849 --> 00:09:26,916
But you got to give me props
195
00:09:26,984 --> 00:09:28,485
for knowing 1776 in the
first place, right?
196
00:09:28,552 --> 00:09:31,119
Absolutely. Color me impressed.
197
00:09:31,186 --> 00:09:35,087
Anyway, sweetie, baby,
my adorable husband,
198
00:09:35,089 --> 00:09:39,923
if Rocky was already
born and grown in 1976,
199
00:09:39,990 --> 00:09:43,526
and it's now 2003,
200
00:09:43,593 --> 00:09:45,893
today that would make Rocky...
201
00:09:45,961 --> 00:09:47,893
Well, uh...
202
00:09:54,664 --> 00:09:57,600
That's not the original Rocky?
203
00:09:57,667 --> 00:10:00,100
We did it for your
own good, Dougie.
204
00:10:00,168 --> 00:10:01,601
You were a sensitive kid.
205
00:10:01,668 --> 00:10:04,136
We figured when Rocky went, you
wouldn't be able to handle it.
206
00:10:04,203 --> 00:10:08,304
So... so this is Rocky II?!
207
00:10:08,372 --> 00:10:12,373
Actually, it's Rocky IV.
208
00:10:14,108 --> 00:10:15,174
Oh, my God!
209
00:10:15,242 --> 00:10:18,610
My dog died 3 times, and
you never told me?!
210
00:10:18,677 --> 00:10:21,512
Darling, we were gonna
tell you about Rocky III,
211
00:10:21,579 --> 00:10:22,645
honest to God,
212
00:10:22,711 --> 00:10:24,812
but she died right
before your wedding.
213
00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:26,413
She?!
214
00:10:26,481 --> 00:10:29,516
I can't believe this!
215
00:10:29,583 --> 00:10:31,150
We didn't want to upset you.
216
00:10:31,217 --> 00:10:34,851
As the kids like to
say, why go there?
217
00:10:34,918 --> 00:10:35,985
Right, Joe?
218
00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:37,552
Exactly. We just felt
there was some things
219
00:10:37,620 --> 00:10:39,354
you were better off not knowing.
220
00:10:39,421 --> 00:10:40,988
Things? Like what else?
221
00:10:41,054 --> 00:10:42,955
Nothing else.
222
00:10:43,023 --> 00:10:44,689
Just the dog.
223
00:10:44,756 --> 00:10:47,291
Ah, tell the boy already.
The jig is up.
224
00:10:47,359 --> 00:10:49,392
There is no jig. There's no jig.
225
00:10:49,460 --> 00:10:50,925
We've coddled him long enough.
226
00:10:50,994 --> 00:10:53,060
When you were little, you weren't
quite ready for the first grade.
227
00:10:53,128 --> 00:10:54,495
Joe! I'm telling him.
228
00:10:54,562 --> 00:10:55,494
I'm gonna hyperventilate.
229
00:10:55,561 --> 00:10:56,661
You've been saying
that for 40 years,
230
00:10:56,729 --> 00:10:57,796
and I've never seen
you do it once.
231
00:10:57,864 --> 00:10:59,797
It's no big whoop-de-doo.
232
00:10:59,865 --> 00:11:02,298
You had to repeat kindergarten.
233
00:11:02,366 --> 00:11:04,467
Oh, God.
234
00:11:04,534 --> 00:11:06,000
What?
235
00:11:06,067 --> 00:11:10,202
You told me that was
super kindergarten!
236
00:11:10,269 --> 00:11:14,170
Look, you're upset. I'm upset.
237
00:11:14,238 --> 00:11:15,505
Let's just go into the kitchen.
238
00:11:15,573 --> 00:11:16,772
And we'll have some
lemon squares,
239
00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:17,807
and we'll forget about
this whole thing.
240
00:11:17,874 --> 00:11:18,840
No, no, no, no. You're
not buying me off
241
00:11:18,907 --> 00:11:20,240
with lemon squares
this time, all right?
242
00:11:20,308 --> 00:11:21,842
Let's get this all
out in the open.
243
00:11:21,909 --> 00:11:23,908
What... what else don't I know?
244
00:11:23,976 --> 00:11:25,143
Nothing.
245
00:11:25,211 --> 00:11:27,712
You might as well tell
him about Montreal.
246
00:11:27,779 --> 00:11:28,945
No, no!
247
00:11:29,012 --> 00:11:32,848
M-Montreal? No-Nothing
good happens in Montreal.
248
00:11:32,915 --> 00:11:34,381
OK, listen.
249
00:11:34,449 --> 00:11:36,682
When I was 8 months
pregnant with you
250
00:11:36,750 --> 00:11:38,616
we went to Montreal
for a wedding.
251
00:11:38,683 --> 00:11:40,584
I didn't know that I was
gonna give birth early.
252
00:11:40,652 --> 00:11:44,153
You were born in Canada.
It's no big deal.
253
00:11:44,221 --> 00:11:47,654
Oh, my God! I'm Canadian!
254
00:11:50,224 --> 00:11:52,623
What if I was gonna
run for president?!
255
00:11:52,690 --> 00:11:54,658
When were you gonna tell me?!
256
00:11:54,726 --> 00:11:56,691
We were kind of rolling the dice
257
00:11:56,759 --> 00:11:59,160
you wouldn't throw
your hat in the ring.
258
00:12:02,696 --> 00:12:05,298
I don't even know you.
259
00:12:09,701 --> 00:12:12,166
Hey, so did you talk to your parents?
How'd it go?
260
00:12:12,234 --> 00:12:14,134
Yeah, I talked to them.
261
00:12:14,202 --> 00:12:16,703
Well, don't be too
hard on them, honey...
262
00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:18,837
Hey, you know what?
Don't touch me.
263
00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:20,405
What?!
264
00:12:20,472 --> 00:12:22,238
Why are you mad at me?
265
00:12:22,306 --> 00:12:24,539
I don't know. Maybe because before
you brought this whole thing up,
266
00:12:24,608 --> 00:12:25,873
my life was perfect.
267
00:12:25,941 --> 00:12:28,475
I was an American citizen
with a 27-year-old dog
268
00:12:28,542 --> 00:12:33,611
who just happened to be the biggest
kid in super kindergarten.
269
00:12:33,679 --> 00:12:34,745
What?
270
00:12:34,812 --> 00:12:36,278
Yeah, that's right.
271
00:12:36,346 --> 00:12:38,780
I learned a couple more things about
myself tonight. Thanks a lot.
272
00:12:38,848 --> 00:12:41,448
Oh, are you seriously
blaming me for this?
273
00:12:41,516 --> 00:12:45,250
Yes, I am, or as my countrymen
would say, "Yes, I am, eh?"
274
00:12:45,317 --> 00:12:47,084
Doug...
275
00:12:47,152 --> 00:12:49,051
come on. Take a breath,
276
00:12:49,118 --> 00:12:50,719
and think about what
you're saying here.
277
00:12:50,787 --> 00:12:53,320
You're saying you'd rather
live a fake, sheltered life
278
00:12:53,388 --> 00:12:55,121
than know the truth
about things?
279
00:12:55,189 --> 00:12:56,355
Yeah.
280
00:12:56,423 --> 00:12:57,757
You can't live that way!
281
00:12:57,824 --> 00:13:00,424
Can and did and loved it!
282
00:13:00,491 --> 00:13:02,793
Oh, that's right, because
the way you were raised,
283
00:13:02,861 --> 00:13:04,426
everybody loves everybody.
284
00:13:04,493 --> 00:13:06,928
Nobody ever dies. The world
is made of marshmallows.
285
00:13:06,995 --> 00:13:08,828
♪ La la la la
286
00:13:08,896 --> 00:13:10,328
It's dysfunctional!
287
00:13:10,396 --> 00:13:11,296
No, it isn't! It doesn't matter
288
00:13:11,364 --> 00:13:12,697
if the world is made
of marshmallows
289
00:13:12,765 --> 00:13:15,599
or if people just think the
world is made of marshmallows.
290
00:13:15,667 --> 00:13:17,866
Either way, you're happy.
You got it?
291
00:13:17,934 --> 00:13:19,668
Not really, no.
292
00:13:19,735 --> 00:13:22,502
The point is, my family had
a nice system in place.
293
00:13:22,570 --> 00:13:24,937
Oh, really? Tell me. How did they
manage to break the news to you
294
00:13:25,004 --> 00:13:26,338
that Santa Claus doesn't exist?
295
00:13:26,405 --> 00:13:27,572
Oh! Oh, my God!
296
00:13:27,639 --> 00:13:29,706
I didn't just let the cat
out of the bag, did I?
297
00:13:31,042 --> 00:13:33,207
You know, why'd you even have
to stick your nose in this?
298
00:13:33,275 --> 00:13:34,442
What does this... What does
this have to do with you?
299
00:13:34,509 --> 00:13:37,509
Excuse me. It has everything
to do with me, OK?
300
00:13:37,578 --> 00:13:39,611
Your whole life, your
parents have shielded you
301
00:13:39,679 --> 00:13:42,378
from every possible
unpleasant thing.
302
00:13:42,446 --> 00:13:44,080
And I'm not just talking
about pretending
303
00:13:44,147 --> 00:13:46,047
that pets are immortal.
304
00:13:46,114 --> 00:13:50,349
I mean, you... you've never
had to carry your own luggage
305
00:13:50,416 --> 00:13:52,118
or wash a dish.
306
00:13:52,185 --> 00:13:53,952
They've treated you like a baby.
307
00:13:54,020 --> 00:13:55,986
That's what I'm stuck with now...
a big baby.
308
00:13:57,887 --> 00:13:59,222
Are not.
309
00:13:59,289 --> 00:14:02,623
Really? OK, who pays every bill?
310
00:14:02,691 --> 00:14:04,489
Who writes every
condolence card?
311
00:14:04,557 --> 00:14:07,825
Who tips the frickin'
mailman every Christmas?
312
00:14:07,893 --> 00:14:11,093
Hey, who tips the pizza
guy every other day, huh?
313
00:14:11,161 --> 00:14:12,294
Yeah, yeah.
314
00:14:12,362 --> 00:14:15,029
OK, come on. Listen, honey,
315
00:14:15,096 --> 00:14:17,864
hopefully one day we're
gonna be parents ourselves,
316
00:14:17,931 --> 00:14:20,732
and we can't teach them
that when bad things happen
317
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:23,333
they should just bury their
heads in the ground.
318
00:14:25,769 --> 00:14:28,835
Could if the ground was
made of marshmallows.
319
00:14:28,903 --> 00:14:33,371
Yeah, but it isn't, and we're not
gonna teach them that it is.
320
00:14:33,439 --> 00:14:34,906
Not even when they're little?
321
00:14:34,974 --> 00:14:36,673
No.
322
00:14:39,508 --> 00:14:41,209
Do you have any marshmallows?
323
00:14:48,879 --> 00:14:50,847
So I see this guy at Pathmark,
324
00:14:50,914 --> 00:14:52,148
and he's wearing a pair of shoes
325
00:14:52,216 --> 00:14:54,648
I rented to him at the bowling
alley the day before.
326
00:14:54,716 --> 00:14:56,083
He stole 'em!
327
00:14:56,151 --> 00:14:58,183
Son of a bitch!
328
00:14:58,250 --> 00:14:59,517
Did you call the police?
329
00:14:59,585 --> 00:15:00,585
No, I went up to him and I said,
330
00:15:00,653 --> 00:15:01,952
"You better give me
those shoes back,
331
00:15:02,020 --> 00:15:05,187
or there is gonna be a big
clean-up in aisle 3."
332
00:15:05,254 --> 00:15:08,822
He went home in socks.
333
00:15:08,890 --> 00:15:11,891
I love vigilante justice.
334
00:15:11,958 --> 00:15:15,292
Looks like you might be
driving the "F" train, buddy.
335
00:15:17,093 --> 00:15:19,728
Anyway, to thank me, my manager
let me pick all the songs
336
00:15:19,795 --> 00:15:21,261
for glow-in-the-dark
disco bowling.
337
00:15:21,329 --> 00:15:24,764
F.Y.I., I worked in a
bowling alley years ago.
338
00:15:24,832 --> 00:15:26,731
Oh, really? Yes.
339
00:15:26,798 --> 00:15:29,667
Cherish every minute you're spraying
fungicide into those shoes,
340
00:15:29,735 --> 00:15:32,902
because these are the
best days of your life.
341
00:15:32,969 --> 00:15:35,003
I don't know. It's OK, I guess,
342
00:15:35,070 --> 00:15:37,004
but sometimes they make
me work double shifts.
343
00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:38,738
That I don't care for.
344
00:15:38,805 --> 00:15:40,938
So take it up with
your union rep.
345
00:15:41,006 --> 00:15:42,740
Oh, we don't have a union.
346
00:15:42,807 --> 00:15:44,940
Really? Then you
have to organize.
347
00:15:45,008 --> 00:15:47,075
Oh, actually, I'm
thinking of leaving.
348
00:15:47,143 --> 00:15:50,844
I just put in an application
at Lady Foot Locker.
349
00:15:50,912 --> 00:15:52,477
So you're just gonna leave,
350
00:15:52,546 --> 00:15:55,045
and let the next poor schmuck
suffer in a unionless shop?
351
00:15:55,112 --> 00:15:57,548
Hey, Arthur, what are you doing?
352
00:15:57,615 --> 00:16:01,783
She's a disgrace. She cares
about nobody but herself.
353
00:16:01,851 --> 00:16:03,583
Who is he to you again?
354
00:16:03,650 --> 00:16:05,818
I'm a man who's onto you, scab!
355
00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:10,087
What are you doing? He
likes this girl, Arthur!
356
00:16:10,154 --> 00:16:11,355
What do you care?
You don't think
357
00:16:11,422 --> 00:16:12,721
anybody's good enough
for him, anyway.
358
00:16:12,789 --> 00:16:14,589
Who said that? He did.
359
00:16:14,656 --> 00:16:16,790
Oh, well, sure. That's
what I tell him,
360
00:16:16,858 --> 00:16:19,092
but the truth is, I mean,
he's no Van Johnson.
361
00:16:19,159 --> 00:16:21,193
I mean, look at him.
362
00:16:21,260 --> 00:16:22,860
What?
363
00:16:22,928 --> 00:16:25,862
OK, I think we can all
agree he's a loser.
364
00:16:25,930 --> 00:16:30,131
The point is, no matter how
hopeless and unappealing he is...
365
00:16:30,199 --> 00:16:33,532
Hey, Arthur! Let me help you!
366
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:35,900
Whatever he is,
367
00:16:35,968 --> 00:16:39,235
he can certainly do
better than her.
368
00:16:39,303 --> 00:16:42,569
Oh, please. Who else
is he gonna get?
369
00:16:42,637 --> 00:16:46,304
He's better off alone than with this
sex toy for the corporate fat cats!
370
00:16:46,372 --> 00:16:47,639
What?!
371
00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:49,573
I heard what you said about
that disco bowling night.
372
00:16:49,641 --> 00:16:51,574
You don't get that
for a pair of shoes.
373
00:16:51,642 --> 00:16:53,709
You get that on your back!
374
00:16:53,777 --> 00:16:56,710
What?! That's it!
I'm out of here!
375
00:16:56,778 --> 00:16:57,945
No, no! Denise! Denise,
wait a minute.
376
00:16:58,012 --> 00:16:59,178
No, no, no, I'm leaving!
377
00:16:59,245 --> 00:17:01,813
I don't want to see you
or your mother or your...
378
00:17:01,881 --> 00:17:03,681
weird older male friend again!
379
00:17:03,748 --> 00:17:04,848
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
Wait! Wait!
380
00:17:04,915 --> 00:17:06,347
Sweetie! Sweetie!
381
00:17:09,285 --> 00:17:12,218
Is it me, or was that
completely uncalled for?
382
00:17:17,955 --> 00:17:19,722
Hey, guys. What's going on?
383
00:17:19,790 --> 00:17:21,089
Oh, you'll be very happy to know
384
00:17:21,156 --> 00:17:22,924
that I'm taking my
father to the doctor
385
00:17:22,992 --> 00:17:25,424
for his colonoscopy.
386
00:17:25,492 --> 00:17:28,160
Yay.
387
00:17:28,228 --> 00:17:30,160
Could be fine. Could be scary.
388
00:17:30,228 --> 00:17:34,163
At his age, who knows
what the hell's in there.
389
00:17:34,230 --> 00:17:35,763
But the point is, look, I would
never have done this before,
390
00:17:35,831 --> 00:17:37,332
but, you know, I'm an adult now,
391
00:17:37,399 --> 00:17:38,597
and this is what adults do.
392
00:17:38,665 --> 00:17:40,633
Well, I am proud of you, honey.
393
00:17:40,701 --> 00:17:41,800
Thanks.
394
00:17:41,867 --> 00:17:42,933
How about being proud of me?
395
00:17:43,001 --> 00:17:44,802
I'm the one gettin' snaked.
396
00:17:44,870 --> 00:17:45,802
Good luck.
397
00:17:48,471 --> 00:17:50,171
Hey, there. Hey, Janet.
398
00:17:50,239 --> 00:17:52,006
You hear about Doug taking
his dad to the doctor?
399
00:17:52,074 --> 00:17:53,639
Pretty big step, huh?
400
00:17:53,706 --> 00:17:56,274
My boy's really
growing up, you know?
401
00:17:56,341 --> 00:17:58,041
I feel like it was
just yesterday
402
00:17:58,109 --> 00:18:00,743
he was sittin' in his jammies
eating a jelly sandwich
403
00:18:00,811 --> 00:18:02,410
watching Heckle and Jeckle.
404
00:18:02,478 --> 00:18:05,212
Actually, that was yesterday.
Oh.
405
00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:08,046
Uh, Janet, listen. I want to
apologize to you for last night.
406
00:18:08,114 --> 00:18:10,481
I don't want you to think that I
told Doug about Rocky out of spite.
407
00:18:10,548 --> 00:18:12,182
I just felt like he should know.
408
00:18:12,250 --> 00:18:14,549
No, sweetheart,
he's 38 years old.
409
00:18:14,617 --> 00:18:17,617
Eventually he's gotta learn that
life's got some bumps in it.
410
00:18:17,685 --> 00:18:19,186
Exactly. That's why being honest
411
00:18:19,254 --> 00:18:22,020
and dealing with things head-on
is the only way to be.
412
00:18:22,088 --> 00:18:24,422
You're right. You're
absolutely right.
413
00:18:26,257 --> 00:18:29,057
You're a very smart girl.
414
00:18:29,125 --> 00:18:33,026
Um, as long as we're
trying to be honest,
415
00:18:33,094 --> 00:18:35,259
do you mind if I
tell you something?
416
00:18:35,327 --> 00:18:37,228
It's been weighing
on me for years.
417
00:18:37,295 --> 00:18:38,795
Oh, sure.
418
00:18:38,863 --> 00:18:39,795
What's up?
419
00:18:39,863 --> 00:18:41,196
Doug was married before?
420
00:18:41,264 --> 00:18:42,196
He used to be a girl?
421
00:18:42,264 --> 00:18:43,732
What is it? Bring it on.
422
00:18:43,799 --> 00:18:45,232
Well, actually, sweetheart,
423
00:18:45,299 --> 00:18:47,734
you remember when you and
Doug came to visit us
424
00:18:47,801 --> 00:18:49,299
a few weeks before your wedding?
425
00:18:49,367 --> 00:18:51,168
Uh, the night we
played Pictionary
426
00:18:51,236 --> 00:18:53,336
with Garry Shandling's parents?
427
00:18:53,403 --> 00:18:57,872
Yes. Anyway, when you went to
go to the pool that Sunday,
428
00:18:57,940 --> 00:19:02,974
you left the door open,
and, uh, well...
429
00:19:03,042 --> 00:19:05,042
that's how we lost Rocky III.
430
00:19:07,277 --> 00:19:08,610
He ran away?
431
00:19:08,678 --> 00:19:10,444
She, dear.
432
00:19:10,512 --> 00:19:13,479
Actually, she wandered
over to the lake,
433
00:19:13,547 --> 00:19:16,982
and, uh, a gator got her.
434
00:19:17,050 --> 00:19:21,350
A gator got her?
435
00:19:21,417 --> 00:19:22,350
I didn't want you to feel bad,
436
00:19:22,417 --> 00:19:24,552
but it's been on
my mind for years.
437
00:19:24,620 --> 00:19:27,153
I killed Rocky III?!
438
00:19:27,220 --> 00:19:30,656
The gator did, dear,
but you didn't help.
439
00:19:32,256 --> 00:19:34,991
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
440
00:19:35,059 --> 00:19:36,858
How could you tell me this?!
441
00:19:36,925 --> 00:19:38,559
I thought this was
what you wanted!
442
00:19:38,627 --> 00:19:40,060
I don't want to be a dog killer!
443
00:19:40,128 --> 00:19:41,127
That's awful!
444
00:19:41,194 --> 00:19:42,460
You see!
445
00:19:42,528 --> 00:19:44,595
That's why it's no
good to say things!
446
00:19:44,664 --> 00:19:46,796
I knew we were right!
447
00:19:46,864 --> 00:19:48,564
I don't know about his colon,
448
00:19:48,632 --> 00:19:49,798
but his brain ain't
workin' too good.
449
00:19:49,866 --> 00:19:52,299
Forgot his car keys, you
know what I'm sayin'?
450
00:19:52,367 --> 00:19:53,800
I killed Rocky III.
451
00:19:53,868 --> 00:19:54,901
What?
452
00:19:54,968 --> 00:19:56,535
I fed her to an alligator.
453
00:19:58,203 --> 00:19:59,336
Why did you tell her?!
454
00:19:59,404 --> 00:20:01,003
She made me be more open.
455
00:20:01,071 --> 00:20:03,172
That's not being open.
That's being stupid.
456
00:20:03,239 --> 00:20:05,039
You killed my dog?
457
00:20:05,106 --> 00:20:06,173
I feel terrible!
458
00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:07,907
Of course you feel terrible!
459
00:20:07,975 --> 00:20:10,042
Because when you hear terrible
things, you feel terrible!
460
00:20:10,109 --> 00:20:12,409
That's why we never said
terrible things around here!
461
00:20:12,477 --> 00:20:14,244
Thank you!
462
00:20:14,312 --> 00:20:15,911
Uh, Dougie, can
we do this later?
463
00:20:15,979 --> 00:20:17,480
I got my colonoscopy.
464
00:20:17,547 --> 00:20:19,246
Are you crazy?!
465
00:20:19,314 --> 00:20:22,482
As far as I'm concerned, you
don't even have a colon.
466
00:20:23,983 --> 00:20:28,984
Your body is just filled with
big, fluffy marshmallows.
467
00:20:29,052 --> 00:20:31,353
And if anything ever
happens to him,
468
00:20:31,421 --> 00:20:32,653
you go right out to
that golf course
469
00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:35,055
and you get us a Daddy II.
470
00:20:35,123 --> 00:20:37,455
Everybody got that?!
471
00:20:37,523 --> 00:20:38,456
Good!
472
00:20:42,526 --> 00:20:44,493
So what do we do now?
473
00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:48,528
All: ♪ Happy birthday,
dear Rocky ♪
474
00:20:48,595 --> 00:20:53,164
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
475
00:20:53,232 --> 00:20:54,664
He looks good for 28, huh?
476
00:20:54,732 --> 00:20:57,332
Mm-hmm, he looks
real good, honey.
477
00:21:05,004 --> 00:21:06,503
P.A. Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,
478
00:21:06,571 --> 00:21:08,671
we now honor our
neighbors to the north
479
00:21:08,739 --> 00:21:12,006
with the playing of
Canada's national anthem.
480
00:21:13,141 --> 00:21:18,177
♪ O Canada
481
00:21:18,244 --> 00:21:23,612
♪ Our home and native land
482
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:28,882
♪ True patriot love
483
00:21:28,950 --> 00:21:34,751
♪ In all thy sons command
34517
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