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1
00:00:35,147 --> 00:00:36,514
So I'm working the counter
at the bowling alley,
2
00:00:37,081 --> 00:00:38,413
and Spence returns his shoes.
3
00:00:38,481 --> 00:00:40,880
And I'm about to spray them,
and he says, "Don't bother."
4
00:00:40,947 --> 00:00:43,279
Then he pulls out this
little travel shoe sprayer,
5
00:00:43,347 --> 00:00:46,047
like he's James
Bond or something.
6
00:00:46,114 --> 00:00:48,480
I had to ask him out
right there on the spot.
7
00:00:48,547 --> 00:00:50,146
Well, you're only human, right?
8
00:00:50,214 --> 00:00:52,179
Actually, most women
are turned on
9
00:00:52,247 --> 00:00:54,380
by his asthma inhaler.
10
00:00:54,447 --> 00:00:57,014
But for me, it's always
been the bite plate.
11
00:00:57,080 --> 00:00:58,813
Anyway, since then, it has been
12
00:00:58,881 --> 00:01:00,813
a month of heaven, right, cutie?
13
00:01:00,881 --> 00:01:01,813
Mm-hmm!
14
00:01:01,881 --> 00:01:04,746
Except for... the incident.
15
00:01:04,814 --> 00:01:06,980
Uh-oh!
16
00:01:07,048 --> 00:01:09,646
Denise bought me the
ugliest contact paper
17
00:01:09,714 --> 00:01:11,146
for my kitchen drawers.
18
00:01:11,214 --> 00:01:12,513
It's adorable!
19
00:01:12,580 --> 00:01:14,579
Hey, it's not.
20
00:01:14,647 --> 00:01:16,146
But if teddy bears
wearing aprons
21
00:01:16,214 --> 00:01:17,913
is what you like,
then I support that
22
00:01:17,981 --> 00:01:19,679
because that's part
of who you are.
23
00:01:19,747 --> 00:01:21,980
Just like line dancing
is part of who you are.
24
00:01:22,047 --> 00:01:24,313
Exactly!
25
00:01:24,381 --> 00:01:25,746
Plus, there are plenty
of things we both like.
26
00:01:25,814 --> 00:01:26,980
Like...
27
00:01:27,047 --> 00:01:30,146
La Boheme! La Boheme!
28
00:01:31,347 --> 00:01:32,313
They're a cute couple,
29
00:01:32,381 --> 00:01:33,480
but they just turned
a bad corner.
30
00:01:33,547 --> 00:01:35,946
I wanted to see La Boheme.
31
00:01:36,014 --> 00:01:37,513
I love the opera.
32
00:01:37,580 --> 00:01:38,813
Since when?
33
00:01:38,881 --> 00:01:40,480
Uh, since I was a kid
34
00:01:40,547 --> 00:01:41,846
and I saw Rigoletto
35
00:01:41,914 --> 00:01:44,779
after Sarette
Hornblass' bat mitzvah.
36
00:01:46,947 --> 00:01:48,679
OK, I didn't understand one
word in that sentence,
37
00:01:48,747 --> 00:01:50,446
and I'm not going.
38
00:01:50,514 --> 00:01:52,146
Doug, I felt the same way as you
39
00:01:52,214 --> 00:01:53,279
until I saw it.
40
00:01:53,347 --> 00:01:54,813
I mean, I went to mock,
41
00:01:54,881 --> 00:01:57,613
I stayed to rock.
42
00:01:59,714 --> 00:02:01,546
Please don't make me go.
43
00:02:06,180 --> 00:02:08,646
All right, boys, time
for a little moo shu
44
00:02:08,714 --> 00:02:09,879
and some March madness.
45
00:02:09,947 --> 00:02:11,479
That's what I'm talking about.
46
00:02:11,547 --> 00:02:13,646
College hoops, only my
favorite time of year.
47
00:02:13,714 --> 00:02:15,313
OK, let's fire this sucker up.
48
00:02:15,380 --> 00:02:16,579
Who we got, who we got?
49
00:02:16,647 --> 00:02:18,179
OK, it's 5:00.
50
00:02:18,248 --> 00:02:21,379
We got Southern Illinois vs.
American Samoa.
51
00:02:21,447 --> 00:02:22,713
Who do you like, Deac?
52
00:02:22,780 --> 00:02:24,179
I think this is Samoa's year.
53
00:02:24,248 --> 00:02:25,412
Yeah.
54
00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:28,479
Keep it down a sec, guys,
I got a message here.
55
00:02:28,547 --> 00:02:29,946
Carrie On Answering Machine:
Hey, hon, it's me. Listen,
56
00:02:30,013 --> 00:02:32,579
one of the partners can get
me 2 free tickets tonight
57
00:02:32,647 --> 00:02:34,479
for La Boheme. I have
to let him know by 6:00
58
00:02:34,547 --> 00:02:35,880
or he's giving them
to someone else.
59
00:02:35,947 --> 00:02:37,545
I promise you'll
have a good time.
60
00:02:37,613 --> 00:02:40,946
Call me before 6:00, OK?
Love you, bye.
61
00:02:44,947 --> 00:02:46,645
Damn it!
62
00:02:46,713 --> 00:02:48,845
Hey, La Boheme. Good for you.
63
00:02:48,913 --> 00:02:50,213
Know what I'm doing tonight?
64
00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:52,546
Not seeing La Boheme.
65
00:02:53,780 --> 00:02:55,213
You know what? I'm not
seeing it, either.
66
00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:57,279
I just... I gotta think
of a way out of this.
67
00:02:57,346 --> 00:02:58,479
Why don't you just tell
Carrie you're watching hoops,
68
00:02:58,547 --> 00:03:00,012
you don't feel like going.
69
00:03:00,081 --> 00:03:02,213
Yeah, that's a good idea.
The only problem is
70
00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:04,812
I don't want one of her
boots in this area.
71
00:03:06,713 --> 00:03:09,245
Well, then, you're going
to the opera, boy.
72
00:03:09,313 --> 00:03:11,645
You best get your mind right.
73
00:03:12,947 --> 00:03:15,345
Wait a second. I can't
go to the opera
74
00:03:15,413 --> 00:03:17,479
if I never heard
Carrie's message, right?
75
00:03:17,547 --> 00:03:20,279
And I couldn't have
heard her message if...
76
00:03:20,346 --> 00:03:22,412
I was working late! That's it!
Get everything up, guys.
77
00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:23,879
We're out of here.
Go! Clean it up!
78
00:03:23,947 --> 00:03:25,512
What? I just rolled
my first moo sh...
79
00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:26,579
Yeah, well, you know what?
You can eat it
80
00:03:26,646 --> 00:03:27,845
on the bus ride home, all right?
81
00:03:27,913 --> 00:03:29,012
We gotta get this room
looking exactly like it was
82
00:03:29,081 --> 00:03:30,912
when we walked in.
Come on, let's go!
83
00:03:30,980 --> 00:03:33,712
That's it. Next time,
we're watching TV
84
00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:35,879
at the divorced guy's house.
85
00:03:35,947 --> 00:03:37,946
You know what? Don't
forget anything, too.
86
00:03:38,013 --> 00:03:39,379
Carrie's got eyes like a hawk.
87
00:03:39,447 --> 00:03:41,946
All right. Oh, man.
88
00:03:42,013 --> 00:03:43,479
OK. Come on, let's go.
89
00:03:43,547 --> 00:03:44,812
Hey, Deac, hand me a napkin.
90
00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:46,080
There's a little plum
sauce on the table.
91
00:03:46,147 --> 00:03:48,645
Whoa! Hold it!
92
00:03:48,713 --> 00:03:50,979
Wait a second.
93
00:03:52,947 --> 00:03:54,745
OK, that's not plum sauce.
That's jelly from yesterday.
94
00:03:54,813 --> 00:03:57,412
That stays. Let's go, let's go!
95
00:04:07,980 --> 00:04:09,812
Answering machine!
96
00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:10,979
What about it?
97
00:04:11,047 --> 00:04:13,745
Oh, my God. The light's
not flashing anymore.
98
00:04:13,813 --> 00:04:15,412
Carrie's gonna know I
checked the message.
99
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:19,179
And we're back at the opera.
100
00:04:19,246 --> 00:04:21,312
No, no, no, no, no! Deac,
call me on your cell phone.
101
00:04:21,380 --> 00:04:23,412
Leave a message. The
light will flash again
102
00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:25,012
and both messages
will play as new.
103
00:04:25,081 --> 00:04:26,279
I don't want to get in
the middle of this.
104
00:04:26,346 --> 00:04:29,546
I'm kind of fond of this area.
105
00:04:29,613 --> 00:04:31,979
Fine, then, Danny, you do it.
106
00:04:32,047 --> 00:04:34,279
Really? Thanks.
107
00:04:36,713 --> 00:04:38,912
OK, so, uh, what do I say?
108
00:04:38,980 --> 00:04:40,979
I don't know. Just say, "Doug, it's Danny.
Call me later."
109
00:04:41,047 --> 00:04:42,645
Well, what am I calling about?
110
00:04:42,713 --> 00:04:44,279
It doesn't matter!
111
00:04:44,346 --> 00:04:46,279
You know what, I can't
watch this anymore.
112
00:04:46,346 --> 00:04:47,279
Thank you.
113
00:04:47,346 --> 00:04:51,513
Gotta get me some
grown-ass friends.
114
00:04:53,213 --> 00:04:54,345
Doug: Hey, you've
reached the Heffernans.
115
00:04:54,414 --> 00:04:56,413
Leave a message.
116
00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:58,479
Hey, man. Sorry you got
roped into the late shift.
117
00:04:58,547 --> 00:05:01,212
Listen, remember to bring my
Coltrane CD to work tomorrow.
118
00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:03,279
I gotta... Kirby, I told you
119
00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:05,212
to quit unbuckling
Major's car seat!
120
00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:07,879
Boy, I will pull over and leave
your behind on the B.Q.E.!
121
00:05:07,947 --> 00:05:10,646
That's what you want, huh? You
want to live on the highway?
122
00:05:17,246 --> 00:05:18,579
That all right?
123
00:05:18,647 --> 00:05:20,979
I got chills.
124
00:05:29,013 --> 00:05:32,412
Doug? Doug!
125
00:05:37,447 --> 00:05:39,046
Hey, hon.
126
00:05:39,112 --> 00:05:40,579
Are you just getting home now?
127
00:05:40,647 --> 00:05:43,446
Yeah. I got stuck with the
late shift at the last minute.
128
00:05:43,513 --> 00:05:45,278
What you got there? The mail?
129
00:05:45,347 --> 00:05:48,012
Yeah. I left you a
message earlier today.
130
00:05:48,079 --> 00:05:50,045
I could've gotten us La
Boheme tickets for tonight
131
00:05:50,112 --> 00:05:51,379
from one of the partners.
132
00:05:51,447 --> 00:05:54,579
Aww. Well, there's nothing
I could've done about it.
133
00:05:54,647 --> 00:05:56,278
Nick Faruno's wife
went into labor.
134
00:05:56,347 --> 00:05:58,679
Just what we need, another one
of him in the world, huh?
135
00:05:58,747 --> 00:06:01,011
Ugh! God.
136
00:06:04,847 --> 00:06:06,111
We, uh, get any messages?
137
00:06:06,179 --> 00:06:08,312
Well, I know there's
one from me.
138
00:06:08,380 --> 00:06:09,512
Carrie: Hey, hon, it's me.
139
00:06:09,580 --> 00:06:11,379
Listen, one of the
partners can get me...
140
00:06:12,780 --> 00:06:14,145
Deacon: Hey, man. Hey,
sorry you got roped
141
00:06:14,213 --> 00:06:16,512
into the late shift. Listen,
remember to bring my Coltrane CD
142
00:06:16,580 --> 00:06:18,045
to work tomorrow. I want to...
143
00:06:18,112 --> 00:06:20,813
Kirby, I told you to quit
unbuckling Major's car seat!
144
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:23,279
Boy, I will pull over and leave
your behind on the B.Q.E.!
145
00:06:23,346 --> 00:06:25,445
That what you want, huh? You
want to live on the highway?
146
00:06:28,446 --> 00:06:30,145
Hmm.
147
00:06:30,213 --> 00:06:31,679
You ask me, that kid could use
148
00:06:31,747 --> 00:06:33,613
a little taste of
highway life, huh?
149
00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:36,045
Knock the sissy out of him.
150
00:06:36,113 --> 00:06:37,613
W-what are you doing?
151
00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:40,312
I just want to...
152
00:06:40,380 --> 00:06:42,379
I just want to hear
something again.
153
00:06:42,446 --> 00:06:44,445
Deacon: Leave your
behind on the B.Q.E.!
154
00:06:44,514 --> 00:06:46,512
That what you want, huh? You
want to live on the highway?
155
00:06:50,746 --> 00:06:52,579
Hey, did you know there's
another outlet over here?
156
00:06:52,647 --> 00:06:54,944
Come here, you gotta check this out!
It's wild! 3-prong!
157
00:06:55,012 --> 00:06:57,178
You want to live on the highway?
158
00:07:00,913 --> 00:07:02,111
Hey, let's go get
pizza right now
159
00:07:02,179 --> 00:07:05,212
like 2 crazy kids. Come on,
let's go right now, huh?
160
00:07:05,279 --> 00:07:06,779
Who's hungry for fun?
161
00:07:10,447 --> 00:07:12,446
Wh-what are you doing?
162
00:07:23,814 --> 00:07:25,679
That was Pepper barking
163
00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:28,412
on that message.
164
00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:30,045
Deacon didn't call from his car.
165
00:07:30,113 --> 00:07:32,879
He called from inside our house.
166
00:07:35,046 --> 00:07:36,379
No, no, no. You know
what probably happened?
167
00:07:36,446 --> 00:07:37,613
Pepper probably got out
168
00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:40,779
and was chasing Deacon's
car on the highway.
169
00:07:40,846 --> 00:07:43,779
Damn it, keep your gate closed!
170
00:07:43,846 --> 00:07:45,145
I gotta go talk to them.
171
00:07:45,213 --> 00:07:48,979
Doug, Deacon left
us a phony message.
172
00:07:49,046 --> 00:07:51,579
Why would he do that?
173
00:07:53,213 --> 00:07:55,712
Shh. We're both tense.
Let's get that pizza.
174
00:07:55,780 --> 00:07:57,812
Doug, what the hell
is going on here?
175
00:07:59,746 --> 00:08:01,378
Shh. I don't know.
176
00:08:01,447 --> 00:08:04,011
Doug, tell me what the
hell is going on,
177
00:08:04,079 --> 00:08:05,712
or so help me, I will kill you.
178
00:08:05,779 --> 00:08:06,912
And I don't mean that funny,
179
00:08:06,914 --> 00:08:08,178
"Oh, my God! I'm
gonna kill you."
180
00:08:08,246 --> 00:08:11,778
I mean I will stop your heart!
181
00:08:14,580 --> 00:08:16,746
OK, I was home. OK, I heard
your stinking message.
182
00:08:16,813 --> 00:08:17,911
I had Deacon leave another one
183
00:08:17,979 --> 00:08:19,312
so the light would flash again.
184
00:08:19,380 --> 00:08:21,446
Then I left and I
waited in the car
185
00:08:21,513 --> 00:08:22,878
till you got home.
186
00:08:24,313 --> 00:08:25,979
So you would rather
187
00:08:26,046 --> 00:08:28,679
sit in the car for 3 hours
188
00:08:28,746 --> 00:08:31,613
then in a theater for 2?
189
00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:37,145
It's the opera! They sing
every word in foreign!
190
00:08:37,213 --> 00:08:39,078
Oh, my God!
191
00:08:39,146 --> 00:08:40,145
Carrie!
192
00:08:40,213 --> 00:08:42,379
Do me a favor...
Get away from me.
193
00:08:42,447 --> 00:08:43,479
But it was my only way out!
194
00:08:43,547 --> 00:08:45,745
It wasn't your only
way out, Doug.
195
00:08:45,813 --> 00:08:47,612
If you were a grown-up,
you would just say,
196
00:08:47,680 --> 00:08:49,745
"Carrie, I don't want
to go to the opera,"
197
00:08:49,813 --> 00:08:50,911
and that would've
been the end of it.
198
00:08:50,979 --> 00:08:53,212
I did that, and it
wasn't the end of it.
199
00:08:53,279 --> 00:08:55,178
It's never the end of it
until you crush me to dust!
200
00:08:55,246 --> 00:08:56,812
Oh, I crush you to dust.
201
00:08:56,879 --> 00:08:59,379
Doug, I can barely
roll you off my arm
202
00:08:59,447 --> 00:09:01,312
when we're sleeping.
203
00:09:01,380 --> 00:09:04,945
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
204
00:09:05,012 --> 00:09:07,278
I got a couple pounds on you,
205
00:09:07,347 --> 00:09:10,145
no argument there.
206
00:09:10,213 --> 00:09:11,678
But don't you kid yourself.
207
00:09:11,745 --> 00:09:13,245
You're the one who rules
this relationship.
208
00:09:13,313 --> 00:09:15,844
Oh, I rule the relationship. How
do I rule the relationship?
209
00:09:15,912 --> 00:09:19,179
With fear.
210
00:09:19,246 --> 00:09:20,312
I'm scared of you, yeah.
211
00:09:20,380 --> 00:09:21,978
Hmm. You're scared of me.
212
00:09:22,046 --> 00:09:23,412
Yeah, I said it.
213
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:26,745
And, frankly, I'm a little
scared that I said it.
214
00:09:26,813 --> 00:09:28,878
You know, you are
so full of crap!
215
00:09:28,946 --> 00:09:30,412
Not crap. Terror.
216
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:32,145
Terror? You know what, Doug?
217
00:09:32,213 --> 00:09:33,345
I don't think this has to do
218
00:09:33,413 --> 00:09:34,479
with you being
scared of me at all.
219
00:09:34,546 --> 00:09:35,678
No, this has to do with you
220
00:09:35,746 --> 00:09:38,412
being a big selfish baby
and trying to cover it up.
221
00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:42,545
Because I'm scared of you!
222
00:09:42,613 --> 00:09:44,579
Anyway, you think I like
having to lie all the time?
223
00:09:44,646 --> 00:09:45,778
I mean, except for our marriage,
224
00:09:45,846 --> 00:09:48,512
I'm a pretty honest guy.
225
00:09:48,579 --> 00:09:52,378
So this lying, you
do it all the time?
226
00:09:52,446 --> 00:09:54,612
No.
227
00:09:54,679 --> 00:09:57,012
Yes, yes, I do.
228
00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:59,012
Like when? Give me an example.
229
00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:01,145
All right, um, well, you know
230
00:10:01,213 --> 00:10:03,712
when you were upset at
the guys at the car wash
231
00:10:03,779 --> 00:10:06,745
because you thought they
shorted out our power seats?
232
00:10:06,813 --> 00:10:09,845
Yeah. Actually, that was me.
233
00:10:09,913 --> 00:10:11,145
I was working 2 buttons at once
234
00:10:11,213 --> 00:10:13,145
trying to get it to buck.
235
00:10:19,713 --> 00:10:22,312
Like Urban Cowboy, you know.
236
00:10:23,613 --> 00:10:26,912
But I got a letter of
apology from Enrique.
237
00:10:26,980 --> 00:10:29,212
That was me writing lefty.
238
00:10:31,246 --> 00:10:35,278
I knew "gracias" wasn't
spelled with a "z"!
239
00:10:35,346 --> 00:10:36,812
OK, what else?
240
00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:38,545
All right, well, uh,
241
00:10:38,613 --> 00:10:42,512
often I enjoy a pre-dinner
Whopper on my drive home.
242
00:10:43,980 --> 00:10:45,478
Yeah, and you know why you
don't smell it on me?
243
00:10:45,546 --> 00:10:48,078
Because I change
uniforms in the garage.
244
00:10:48,146 --> 00:10:49,512
Yeah, because of you,
245
00:10:49,579 --> 00:10:52,345
I gotta stash uniforms
all over this place.
246
00:10:52,413 --> 00:10:55,078
Wow! That's one deceitful
247
00:10:55,146 --> 00:10:57,512
and self-destructive. Kudos!
248
00:10:57,579 --> 00:10:59,412
Oh, Carrie, come on, all right?
I do what I gotta do
249
00:10:59,479 --> 00:11:01,345
to keep this marriage
running smoothly, OK?
250
00:11:01,413 --> 00:11:02,412
You just see the sausage.
251
00:11:02,479 --> 00:11:03,979
You don't see how it's made.
252
00:11:04,046 --> 00:11:06,379
Are you listening to yourself?
253
00:11:06,445 --> 00:11:08,012
I mean, I'm not the
scary one here.
254
00:11:08,079 --> 00:11:09,478
Nuh-uh! You're the scary one.
255
00:11:09,546 --> 00:11:10,979
I am? Yeah.
256
00:11:11,046 --> 00:11:12,212
Oh, yeah? Then how come
257
00:11:12,279 --> 00:11:13,712
they didn't make a horror
movie called Doug?
258
00:11:13,779 --> 00:11:16,112
Huh? Carrie? Yeah!
259
00:11:24,046 --> 00:11:25,145
I hope this isn't a bad time.
260
00:11:25,213 --> 00:11:26,411
Oh, no. No, come in.
261
00:11:26,479 --> 00:11:27,678
OK, I just want to
go over my bill
262
00:11:27,746 --> 00:11:29,612
for walking your dad
like we discussed.
263
00:11:29,679 --> 00:11:30,678
I don't want you to think
264
00:11:30,746 --> 00:11:32,078
I cook the books or anything.
265
00:11:32,146 --> 00:11:33,345
Sure, sure. OK.
266
00:11:33,412 --> 00:11:35,845
On the 15th, I have a
charge for 89 cents
267
00:11:35,913 --> 00:11:37,545
because I bought biscuits
for the other dogs
268
00:11:37,613 --> 00:11:41,112
and Arthur got jealous and
demanded marshmallow Peeps.
269
00:11:43,613 --> 00:11:46,312
Um... Holly, can I
ask you a question?
270
00:11:46,379 --> 00:11:47,879
I know. When did the
price of Peeps go up?
271
00:11:47,946 --> 00:11:50,145
I was stunned.
272
00:11:50,213 --> 00:11:54,112
Do you find me... scary?
273
00:11:55,713 --> 00:11:56,979
You know, I'll just pay
for the Peeps myself.
274
00:11:57,046 --> 00:11:58,812
No, Holly, come on! I
really want to know.
275
00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:00,478
Just be honest with me.
I mean, how do you feel
276
00:12:00,546 --> 00:12:03,612
when you're around me?
Like right now?
277
00:12:03,679 --> 00:12:05,979
Happy.
278
00:12:07,813 --> 00:12:09,377
OK, well, I'm looking
right at you,
279
00:12:09,446 --> 00:12:10,812
and I'm not seeing happy.
280
00:12:10,879 --> 00:12:13,912
I can do better. Happy!
281
00:12:13,979 --> 00:12:15,511
Holly, come on! I just need you
282
00:12:15,579 --> 00:12:18,344
to answer the question. I mean,
is that too much to ask?
283
00:12:18,412 --> 00:12:19,878
I think we've been
pretty damn good to you.
284
00:12:19,946 --> 00:12:20,978
Oh, God, are you gonna fire me?
285
00:12:21,046 --> 00:12:22,078
No, I'm not gonna fire you!
286
00:12:22,146 --> 00:12:23,245
I just need you to
answer the question.
287
00:12:23,312 --> 00:12:24,978
What? Am I scary?
288
00:12:25,046 --> 00:12:26,245
No! Holly!
289
00:12:26,312 --> 00:12:27,811
Yes, yes, you're terrifying me!
290
00:12:27,879 --> 00:12:30,278
You've terrified me
since the day we met!
291
00:12:31,979 --> 00:12:34,478
Thank you.
292
00:12:40,813 --> 00:12:44,211
Here's Carrie!
293
00:12:46,146 --> 00:12:47,345
Hi.
294
00:12:47,412 --> 00:12:50,712
Relax. I come in peace.
295
00:12:50,779 --> 00:12:52,845
Really? You're not mad anymore?
296
00:12:52,912 --> 00:12:54,311
No.
297
00:12:54,379 --> 00:12:56,078
Look, I'm sorry.
298
00:12:56,145 --> 00:12:57,511
I said some really rough
things last night
299
00:12:57,579 --> 00:12:59,712
because I was flailing, but...
300
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,111
you're great.
301
00:13:01,178 --> 00:13:03,645
Well, you know, I can
be scary sometimes,
302
00:13:03,713 --> 00:13:05,845
and I really don't like
that about myself.
303
00:13:05,912 --> 00:13:07,345
Yeah, but I'm very selfish,
304
00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:09,745
and my lying has gotten
way out of control.
305
00:13:09,812 --> 00:13:11,278
But you know what it is?
Sometimes we just...
306
00:13:11,346 --> 00:13:12,945
We bring the worst
out in each other,
307
00:13:13,012 --> 00:13:14,645
and it doesn't have
to be like that.
308
00:13:14,713 --> 00:13:16,045
I mean, we could
have a more honest
309
00:13:16,112 --> 00:13:18,211
and supportive relationship
310
00:13:18,279 --> 00:13:20,644
if we were willing
to work on it.
311
00:13:20,713 --> 00:13:23,711
Sign me up for that. Mm-wah!
312
00:13:31,546 --> 00:13:33,412
Doug? Yeah?
313
00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:36,012
I thought we were
gonna work on it.
314
00:13:36,078 --> 00:13:37,445
Now?
315
00:13:37,513 --> 00:13:39,378
Yes, now!
316
00:13:39,446 --> 00:13:42,612
Oh. OK. Well...
317
00:13:42,679 --> 00:13:43,912
let's work on it. OK.
318
00:13:43,979 --> 00:13:45,012
What do we do?
319
00:13:45,078 --> 00:13:46,512
Well, um,
320
00:13:46,579 --> 00:13:48,678
well, why don't you try
telling me the truth
321
00:13:48,746 --> 00:13:50,277
about something you
would normally hide,
322
00:13:50,346 --> 00:13:52,177
and I will try to respond
323
00:13:52,245 --> 00:13:54,411
without making you
poop yourself.
324
00:13:57,045 --> 00:13:59,511
All right, uh...
325
00:13:59,579 --> 00:14:02,411
Oh, let me see. OK, our...
our Visa bill.
326
00:14:02,479 --> 00:14:04,812
Have you... have you
looked at it yet?
327
00:14:04,879 --> 00:14:06,244
No.
328
00:14:06,312 --> 00:14:08,311
OK, well, there's
a charge on here
329
00:14:08,379 --> 00:14:13,110
from a video store for "G.G.W."
330
00:14:13,178 --> 00:14:15,578
That stands for Girls Gone Wild.
331
00:14:16,979 --> 00:14:18,177
Uh-huh.
332
00:14:18,246 --> 00:14:21,945
Now, I was planning on
telling you that "G.G.W."
333
00:14:22,011 --> 00:14:25,211
stood for George Washington.
334
00:14:25,278 --> 00:14:28,845
And what were you
planning on telling me
335
00:14:28,913 --> 00:14:30,011
the middle "G" stood for?
336
00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:31,277
Gary.
337
00:14:31,345 --> 00:14:32,678
Gary. OK.
338
00:14:32,746 --> 00:14:34,478
Well, I'm just curious, Doug,
339
00:14:34,546 --> 00:14:36,211
in a, you know, supportive,
340
00:14:36,278 --> 00:14:38,344
non-scary way, of course,
341
00:14:38,412 --> 00:14:40,678
why you would purchase a
Girls Gone Wild video
342
00:14:40,746 --> 00:14:42,578
in the first place?
343
00:14:42,646 --> 00:14:45,944
That's a good question, and
I support that question.
344
00:14:46,012 --> 00:14:48,344
Mm-hmm.
345
00:14:48,413 --> 00:14:51,344
There's something about
the "going wild" process
346
00:14:51,413 --> 00:14:54,645
that fascinates me.
347
00:14:54,713 --> 00:14:57,678
Right, right, right.
348
00:14:57,746 --> 00:14:59,144
I mean, because I
could understand
349
00:14:59,212 --> 00:15:01,944
why guys who aren't married
to attractive women
350
00:15:02,011 --> 00:15:04,378
would want to buy
that video, but...
351
00:15:04,446 --> 00:15:05,845
You know what I'm saying?
352
00:15:05,911 --> 00:15:07,245
Ha ha ha! You do?
353
00:15:07,312 --> 00:15:08,745
I do, I do. OK, OK.
354
00:15:08,812 --> 00:15:11,877
And yet I don't know.
355
00:15:11,945 --> 00:15:14,511
OK.
356
00:15:14,579 --> 00:15:17,044
Ahem. So, where is this video?
357
00:15:17,112 --> 00:15:19,211
It's in the My Fair Lady box.
358
00:15:22,345 --> 00:15:24,444
OK. Well...
359
00:15:24,512 --> 00:15:25,878
thank you for telling me.
360
00:15:25,945 --> 00:15:29,278
Thank you for not getting upset.
361
00:15:29,345 --> 00:15:30,944
No problem.
362
00:15:31,012 --> 00:15:32,244
One other thing.
363
00:15:32,312 --> 00:15:34,712
Yeah?
364
00:15:34,780 --> 00:15:37,812
I'm gonna go to race
car driving school.
365
00:15:37,879 --> 00:15:39,812
I'm sorry?
366
00:15:39,879 --> 00:15:41,578
Yeah. Jimmy from work,
367
00:15:41,646 --> 00:15:42,745
his uncle runs a place.
368
00:15:42,813 --> 00:15:44,545
It's every Saturday for,
like, a few months.
369
00:15:44,612 --> 00:15:47,444
OK. And what lie were you
planning on telling me
370
00:15:47,512 --> 00:15:48,944
every time you snuck
out of the house?
371
00:15:49,012 --> 00:15:50,145
I hadn't thought of it yet.
372
00:15:50,212 --> 00:15:52,378
Probably something
medical, you know.
373
00:15:54,345 --> 00:15:56,444
Well... Doug...
374
00:15:56,512 --> 00:15:59,944
A liiittle scary
on the Doug there.
375
00:16:01,345 --> 00:16:04,111
Doug... honey...
376
00:16:04,179 --> 00:16:06,611
I can't support your
race car driving
377
00:16:06,679 --> 00:16:08,044
because I would rather support
378
00:16:08,112 --> 00:16:09,877
your continuing to live.
379
00:16:09,945 --> 00:16:12,910
I respect that, and I would ask
380
00:16:12,978 --> 00:16:14,511
that you would support me anyway
381
00:16:14,579 --> 00:16:17,612
because that is what a
supportive relationship
382
00:16:17,679 --> 00:16:19,478
indeed is.
383
00:16:19,546 --> 00:16:21,745
Hmm. OK.
384
00:16:21,812 --> 00:16:24,712
And in that same
supportive vein,
385
00:16:24,778 --> 00:16:26,811
would you go to La
Boheme with me?
386
00:16:26,879 --> 00:16:29,344
No, but thank you for asking.
387
00:16:34,045 --> 00:16:35,010
Gee, it was so sweet of you
388
00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:36,612
to invite me to lunch, Carrie.
389
00:16:36,679 --> 00:16:37,712
Well, you're dating Spence,
390
00:16:37,778 --> 00:16:38,877
and he's our friend,
so, you know.
391
00:16:38,945 --> 00:16:41,445
Oh, so is this like a tradition?
392
00:16:41,512 --> 00:16:42,910
Like, when Spence
gets a new girlfriend
393
00:16:42,978 --> 00:16:45,844
you take her to lunch
to check her out?
394
00:16:45,911 --> 00:16:48,844
Actually, it hasn't
come up that much.
395
00:16:48,911 --> 00:16:50,245
No. Yeah, no, I just wanted
396
00:16:50,312 --> 00:16:51,877
to pick your brain
about something.
397
00:16:51,945 --> 00:16:53,144
Oh, well, fine.
398
00:16:53,212 --> 00:16:55,545
Just a leave a little for me.
Heh heh heh!
399
00:16:55,613 --> 00:16:57,645
Right. Right, right, right.
400
00:16:57,712 --> 00:17:00,645
Listen, I noticed
that you and Spence
401
00:17:00,712 --> 00:17:02,545
really respect and
support each other.
402
00:17:02,613 --> 00:17:05,111
Oh, yeah. Um, in
our relationship,
403
00:17:05,178 --> 00:17:06,744
that's job one.
404
00:17:06,811 --> 00:17:08,378
OK, you see,
405
00:17:08,446 --> 00:17:10,612
now, I've been trying to do
that with Doug recently,
406
00:17:10,678 --> 00:17:13,445
and I gotta admit...
Not loving it.
407
00:17:14,778 --> 00:17:17,378
Well, I guess I feel that
way sometimes a little,
408
00:17:17,446 --> 00:17:18,711
but I just deal with it.
409
00:17:18,778 --> 00:17:19,810
How?
410
00:17:19,878 --> 00:17:20,944
Well, like, for instance,
411
00:17:21,011 --> 00:17:23,044
this Sunday is our
6-week anniversary,
412
00:17:23,112 --> 00:17:24,977
and, um, Spence is missing it
413
00:17:25,045 --> 00:17:27,378
to go to his Dark
Shadows convention.
414
00:17:29,212 --> 00:17:31,644
But I'm OK with that because I
know it's important to him.
415
00:17:31,712 --> 00:17:32,910
Dark Shadows? What is that?
416
00:17:32,978 --> 00:17:36,711
Um, it was, like, a soap
opera a long time ago
417
00:17:36,778 --> 00:17:39,977
with, um, vampires, I think.
418
00:17:40,045 --> 00:17:42,944
But, um, like I said,
I'm OK with it
419
00:17:43,011 --> 00:17:45,144
because I know it's
important to him.
420
00:17:45,212 --> 00:17:46,177
You see, that's what I'm talk...
421
00:17:46,246 --> 00:17:47,311
I wish I could be like that.
422
00:17:47,379 --> 00:17:48,711
I mean, if it was my
boyfriend, I'd say,
423
00:17:48,778 --> 00:17:52,177
"You selfish jerk! You're
gonna spend our anniversary"
424
00:17:52,246 --> 00:17:55,044
"with a bunch of dorks dressed
up like Count Chocula?"
425
00:17:57,479 --> 00:17:59,345
"OK, freak, have a good time,
426
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:00,511
"because when you get back,
427
00:18:00,578 --> 00:18:02,877
I'm gonna punch your
fangs down your throat."
428
00:18:04,612 --> 00:18:07,111
Oh, well. Can you
pass the ketchup?
429
00:18:14,145 --> 00:18:16,111
I don't know what got into her.
430
00:18:16,178 --> 00:18:18,577
Suddenly, I gotta miss the
DarkShadows convention
431
00:18:18,645 --> 00:18:20,077
for our 6-week anniversary,
432
00:18:20,145 --> 00:18:23,211
and she threatened to punch
my fangs down my throat.
433
00:18:23,279 --> 00:18:25,445
It was very disturbing.
434
00:18:25,512 --> 00:18:28,412
Something wrong
with your Whopper?
435
00:18:28,479 --> 00:18:30,077
No. Why?
436
00:18:30,145 --> 00:18:32,744
Because it's still there.
437
00:18:34,011 --> 00:18:36,345
You know what it is?
The pre-dinner Whopper
438
00:18:36,412 --> 00:18:38,010
was my favorite part of the day,
439
00:18:38,078 --> 00:18:39,611
but now that I don't have
to hide it from Carrie,
440
00:18:39,678 --> 00:18:43,711
it's just a gross,
disgusting habit.
441
00:18:43,778 --> 00:18:46,743
It was always that.
442
00:18:48,178 --> 00:18:50,677
I know, but all the
hiding, all the deceit,
443
00:18:50,745 --> 00:18:53,011
that's what made it so great.
444
00:18:53,078 --> 00:18:57,245
I gotta tell you, I miss
the thrill of the dance.
445
00:18:57,312 --> 00:18:59,311
You know, Dark Shadows
is not Star Trek.
446
00:18:59,379 --> 00:19:01,844
I mean, they don't have
conventions every week.
447
00:19:01,911 --> 00:19:02,977
If I miss this one,
448
00:19:03,045 --> 00:19:04,677
I'm looking at a
3-year dry spell.
449
00:19:04,745 --> 00:19:08,345
I cannot survive in
just the chat rooms!
450
00:19:08,412 --> 00:19:10,811
Will you quit bitching
about it already?
451
00:19:10,878 --> 00:19:13,911
Hey, I blew 70 bucks on a
Barnabas Collins costume,
452
00:19:13,979 --> 00:19:16,111
and now it's worthless!
It's just worthless.
453
00:19:16,179 --> 00:19:18,811
So go to the stupid convention.
454
00:19:18,879 --> 00:19:20,844
I can't! Denise'll hate me.
455
00:19:20,912 --> 00:19:22,510
Please, this is so
easy to pull off.
456
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:24,278
What are you talking about?
457
00:19:24,345 --> 00:19:25,744
You just have somebody
from work call you,
458
00:19:25,812 --> 00:19:27,744
and you make sure
Denise picks up.
459
00:19:27,812 --> 00:19:29,510
Then the work friend
pretends to be
460
00:19:29,578 --> 00:19:30,811
from the Dark
Shadows convention,
461
00:19:30,879 --> 00:19:32,278
says she's sorry to
hear you're canceling.
462
00:19:32,345 --> 00:19:33,811
Denise'll be so touched,
463
00:19:33,879 --> 00:19:35,410
she'll think you're the
greatest guy in the world.
464
00:19:35,478 --> 00:19:36,911
A few days later,
465
00:19:36,979 --> 00:19:38,344
you have the same person call,
466
00:19:38,411 --> 00:19:39,944
leave another message
saying she's sorry,
467
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:42,178
but they can't refund your
money like they thought.
468
00:19:42,245 --> 00:19:43,278
Denise'll feel so bad,
469
00:19:43,345 --> 00:19:46,544
she'll send you there
in a freakin' limo.
470
00:19:46,611 --> 00:19:48,644
That was brilliant.
471
00:19:48,745 --> 00:19:51,144
I know.
472
00:19:56,945 --> 00:19:58,477
Carrie: Hey. Hey.
473
00:19:58,545 --> 00:20:00,144
Did you have a good afternoon?
474
00:20:00,212 --> 00:20:01,411
Yeah. How about you?
475
00:20:01,478 --> 00:20:03,244
Yeah, I did.
476
00:20:03,312 --> 00:20:06,278
Well, I see you... You
had a Whopper again.
477
00:20:08,678 --> 00:20:11,211
Um, no, actually, I
didn't have a Whopper.
478
00:20:11,279 --> 00:20:12,610
What are you talking about?
479
00:20:12,678 --> 00:20:14,743
I am staring directly
at a piece of lettuce,
480
00:20:14,811 --> 00:20:16,278
and the only lettuce
you let come near you
481
00:20:16,344 --> 00:20:18,710
is on a hamburger.
482
00:20:18,778 --> 00:20:20,977
You know, I was thinking
about what you said,
483
00:20:21,045 --> 00:20:23,044
and you're right. I should
start eating healthier,
484
00:20:23,112 --> 00:20:25,677
so I, uh... I got a salad.
485
00:20:25,745 --> 00:20:28,077
A salad? Yeah.
486
00:20:28,145 --> 00:20:29,910
Ohh. What kind of salad?
487
00:20:31,245 --> 00:20:33,544
Insalata primavera.
488
00:20:33,612 --> 00:20:35,544
So you only had a salad today?
489
00:20:35,611 --> 00:20:36,677
That's all.
490
00:20:36,745 --> 00:20:38,244
Hmm. Oh!
491
00:20:38,311 --> 00:20:41,610
What's this ketchup
packet doing here?
492
00:20:43,945 --> 00:20:46,344
I made my own Russian dressing.
493
00:20:49,311 --> 00:20:50,777
What kind of salad you
say you had again?
494
00:20:50,845 --> 00:20:52,444
Insalata primavera.
495
00:20:52,511 --> 00:20:54,044
Insalata primavera. OK.
496
00:20:54,112 --> 00:20:55,777
Excuse me.
497
00:20:57,245 --> 00:20:58,644
Uh, Doug? Yeah?
498
00:20:58,712 --> 00:21:02,444
If you're lying, I will find
out, and I will kill you.
499
00:21:03,878 --> 00:21:05,777
I know you will, honey. I know.
500
00:21:05,844 --> 00:21:07,577
OK.
501
00:21:10,311 --> 00:21:11,910
Hmph!
502
00:21:13,978 --> 00:21:16,610
And we're back.
503
00:21:21,211 --> 00:21:22,977
You get some slut from work
504
00:21:23,045 --> 00:21:24,877
to make fake phone
calls for you?!
505
00:21:24,945 --> 00:21:26,844
What kind of an idiot
do you think I am?!
506
00:21:26,911 --> 00:21:28,510
If you ever pull a
stunt like that again,
507
00:21:28,578 --> 00:21:32,310
I will beat you to within
an inch of your life!
508
00:21:32,378 --> 00:21:33,977
Yeah!
509
00:21:48,045 --> 00:21:49,510
Man On TV: Fort Lauderdale!
510
00:21:49,578 --> 00:21:52,577
Full of coeds and possibilities!
511
00:21:52,645 --> 00:21:53,978
Hey, what's your name?
512
00:21:54,046 --> 00:21:55,343
Woman on TV: Lonnie.
513
00:21:55,411 --> 00:21:57,044
Looking good!
514
00:21:58,844 --> 00:22:01,911
Doug, this is not
Terms of Endearment.
515
00:22:03,511 --> 00:22:05,010
Oh, crap.
36778
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