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1
00:00:06,276 --> 00:00:09,244
OK, vanilla cone with the
rainbow sprinkles...
2
00:00:11,214 --> 00:00:13,080
That's $2.43.
3
00:00:13,148 --> 00:00:15,181
There you go. Thanks.
4
00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:16,817
Out of 20?
5
00:00:16,885 --> 00:00:18,151
Do you have anything smaller?
6
00:00:18,218 --> 00:00:20,585
No, that's, uh, yeah,
that's all I got.
7
00:00:20,653 --> 00:00:23,920
Hmm. I don't have
change for this.
8
00:00:23,988 --> 00:00:26,255
Well, it's all I got.
9
00:00:29,926 --> 00:00:31,326
What do you wanna do?
10
00:00:32,727 --> 00:00:35,695
Well, uh, I told you I don't
have change for a 20.
11
00:01:18,657 --> 00:01:19,590
Man on TV: Fudge.
12
00:01:19,658 --> 00:01:20,724
Woman on TV: What's
wrong, honey?
13
00:01:20,791 --> 00:01:22,392
Man: There's a very rare
archipelago butterfly,
14
00:01:22,460 --> 00:01:23,659
and I forgot to bring my camera.
15
00:01:23,727 --> 00:01:25,061
Woman: No, you didn't, sweetie.
16
00:01:25,063 --> 00:01:26,062
Man: What the hell...
17
00:01:26,129 --> 00:01:27,796
Good God.
18
00:01:27,863 --> 00:01:29,164
What?
19
00:01:29,231 --> 00:01:31,631
Are you gonna move
at all this weekend?
20
00:01:31,699 --> 00:01:34,300
Are you planning any activity?
21
00:01:34,367 --> 00:01:36,835
Hey, I've been plenty active...
22
00:01:36,903 --> 00:01:39,470
in here.
23
00:01:39,537 --> 00:01:40,604
Please.
24
00:01:40,672 --> 00:01:42,071
I'm serious.
25
00:01:42,139 --> 00:01:45,206
I just learned that if I'm ever
bein' chased by a grizzly bear,
26
00:01:45,274 --> 00:01:46,542
I should run down a hill.
27
00:01:48,410 --> 00:01:49,877
'Cause bears, they
can't run downhill.
28
00:01:49,945 --> 00:01:52,045
Their back legs get all bunched
up with their front legs,
29
00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:55,380
and they... They just wipe out.
30
00:01:55,448 --> 00:01:56,715
Gotta be honest with you, hon,
31
00:01:56,782 --> 00:01:59,649
not sure you can run downhill.
32
00:01:59,717 --> 00:02:01,184
All right. Just for that,
I'm not gonna show you
33
00:02:01,252 --> 00:02:02,819
the safe way to milk a goat!
34
00:02:08,823 --> 00:02:10,123
TV Announcer: For the next hour,
35
00:02:10,192 --> 00:02:11,591
we'll take an in-depth look
36
00:02:11,593 --> 00:02:13,993
at the gentle giant of the sea,
37
00:02:14,060 --> 00:02:16,228
the North American manatee.
38
00:02:16,295 --> 00:02:18,896
Next, on Wildlife Channel.
39
00:02:36,976 --> 00:02:38,208
What up, dawg? Hey.
40
00:02:38,276 --> 00:02:39,043
Hey, Deac.
41
00:02:39,111 --> 00:02:40,077
Carrie!
42
00:02:40,145 --> 00:02:43,412
Hi, Kirby. Look how
cute you look.
43
00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:44,914
What brings you by?
44
00:02:44,981 --> 00:02:46,814
You invited us for dinner.
45
00:02:46,882 --> 00:02:50,050
Really? I already ate, but
I can get it goin' again.
46
00:02:51,552 --> 00:02:52,919
So, uh, hey, how was practice?
47
00:02:52,986 --> 00:02:54,120
Ah, it's brutal.
48
00:02:54,188 --> 00:02:55,353
The only reason I'm
coaching this freakin' team
49
00:02:55,421 --> 00:02:57,589
is to get Kirby to play,
and he still hates it.
50
00:02:57,656 --> 00:03:00,724
No, no, no, no, no. See, he
can't hate football, OK?
51
00:03:00,792 --> 00:03:01,958
He can hate brussels sprouts,
52
00:03:02,026 --> 00:03:03,126
he can hate white people,
53
00:03:03,193 --> 00:03:04,726
but he can't hate football.
54
00:03:04,794 --> 00:03:06,760
You know, I'll tell
you what it is.
55
00:03:06,829 --> 00:03:07,895
Since the divorce,
56
00:03:07,963 --> 00:03:09,796
he spends all his
time around women.
57
00:03:09,864 --> 00:03:12,265
I mean, Kelly, her
mom, her sister...
58
00:03:12,333 --> 00:03:15,434
They got this boy
watchin' Lifetime, man.
59
00:03:17,302 --> 00:03:18,668
That is rough.
60
00:03:18,736 --> 00:03:20,403
Yeah, and Kelly's got
him in the choir,
61
00:03:20,471 --> 00:03:22,271
school play, and next summer,
62
00:03:22,339 --> 00:03:24,806
she wants him to go
to theater camp.
63
00:03:24,873 --> 00:03:26,541
Theater camp!
64
00:03:26,609 --> 00:03:28,842
If he's gay on his own, I
have no problem with that.
65
00:03:28,910 --> 00:03:30,210
But Kelly, she's spiteful.
66
00:03:30,277 --> 00:03:32,378
I think she's pushin' him there.
67
00:03:32,445 --> 00:03:35,146
Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo!
68
00:03:36,948 --> 00:03:39,482
OK, I guess the catch is over.
69
00:03:39,550 --> 00:03:41,418
Hey, maybe you could
help me out here.
70
00:03:41,485 --> 00:03:42,684
How?
71
00:03:42,752 --> 00:03:43,685
Help me coach the team.
72
00:03:43,753 --> 00:03:44,920
I mean, you played
some serious ball.
73
00:03:44,987 --> 00:03:47,188
Maybe you can get Kirby
fired up about the game.
74
00:03:47,255 --> 00:03:49,056
Practices are
Saturday afternoon.
75
00:03:49,123 --> 00:03:50,256
What do you say?
76
00:03:50,324 --> 00:03:53,426
Oh, I don't know, Deac.
77
00:03:53,493 --> 00:03:56,494
It sounds pretty good.
It's just that, uh...
78
00:04:00,397 --> 00:04:03,331
I got a lot of stuff
goin' on around here.
79
00:04:05,201 --> 00:04:07,467
Daddy, I'm gonna help
Carrie cook dinner.
80
00:04:07,535 --> 00:04:10,804
Is it all right if I take
off my football costume?
81
00:04:13,373 --> 00:04:14,973
Go ahead.
82
00:04:16,808 --> 00:04:19,409
My son just called his
uniform a costume.
83
00:04:19,476 --> 00:04:20,843
Please... help me!
84
00:04:22,445 --> 00:04:23,979
OK, kids, we've got
85
00:04:24,046 --> 00:04:26,580
a really exciting addition
to our coaching staff.
86
00:04:26,647 --> 00:04:28,515
Back at St. Gregory's
High School
87
00:04:28,583 --> 00:04:30,516
where he was the
star running back,
88
00:04:30,584 --> 00:04:33,184
his nicknames included
"The H Train,"
89
00:04:33,252 --> 00:04:36,119
"Pound Cake," and "Hefferlegs."
90
00:04:36,187 --> 00:04:38,788
He even tried out for the
Nassau Rebels semipro team.
91
00:04:38,856 --> 00:04:41,156
Please welcome Coach Heffernan.
92
00:04:45,461 --> 00:04:47,461
Thank you very much,
Coach Palmer.
93
00:04:47,528 --> 00:04:49,729
All right. Now, I'm gonna
go get the game jerseys.
94
00:04:49,797 --> 00:04:51,096
Coach Heffernan is
gonna get you goin',
95
00:04:51,164 --> 00:04:52,598
and I'll be back
in a little bit.
96
00:04:55,167 --> 00:04:57,133
All righty. Well, first off,
97
00:04:57,201 --> 00:04:58,802
I already know that
Kirby's a stud,
98
00:04:58,869 --> 00:05:00,235
and lookin' at the rest of you,
99
00:05:00,303 --> 00:05:03,071
you look like some pretty
tough-nosed S.O.B.'s.
100
00:05:04,673 --> 00:05:05,872
All right. So now it's time
101
00:05:05,941 --> 00:05:08,507
to put the pee back in peewee.
102
00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:10,642
That's how I'm gonna
do things around here.
103
00:05:10,710 --> 00:05:12,244
I'm gonna keep it loose and fun.
104
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:13,511
You're fat.
105
00:05:13,579 --> 00:05:15,179
OK, that's... You know what?
106
00:05:15,247 --> 00:05:16,813
That's a common misconception.
107
00:05:16,881 --> 00:05:18,148
What I like to call
this area right here
108
00:05:18,216 --> 00:05:19,748
is a low center of gravity,
109
00:05:19,850 --> 00:05:21,516
which is gonna help
you in this sport.
110
00:05:21,584 --> 00:05:23,752
Did you really ever
play football?
111
00:05:23,819 --> 00:05:25,519
Uh, yes. As Coach
Palmer just mentioned,
112
00:05:25,587 --> 00:05:26,987
I was very good. I
played in high school.
113
00:05:27,054 --> 00:05:28,921
He said you played
for the Rebels.
114
00:05:28,989 --> 00:05:30,823
Uh, no. He said I tried
out for the Rebels.
115
00:05:30,891 --> 00:05:32,190
So you didn't make the team?
116
00:05:32,258 --> 00:05:33,158
I made the team,
117
00:05:33,226 --> 00:05:34,792
but there were a lot
of politics goin' on.
118
00:05:34,859 --> 00:05:36,360
You know, the coach
had his favorites,
119
00:05:36,428 --> 00:05:37,827
and there was a
whole locker thing.
120
00:05:37,895 --> 00:05:39,562
Let's discuss our
offense, though.
121
00:05:39,630 --> 00:05:41,496
So you quit? I didn't quit, OK?
122
00:05:41,564 --> 00:05:43,031
I had a lot of
pressure at the time.
123
00:05:43,097 --> 00:05:44,432
I was getting married,
and, you know...
124
00:05:44,499 --> 00:05:45,633
You're fat.
125
00:05:47,068 --> 00:05:48,769
OK, that's it. Take
a lap, OK, Rusty?
126
00:05:48,836 --> 00:05:52,103
OK, now, ladies, you ready
to talk about football?
127
00:05:52,171 --> 00:05:54,372
'Cause this Saturday,
you're gonna be lining up
128
00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:57,240
against the Elmont Chipmunks,
and they hate you.
129
00:05:57,308 --> 00:05:58,240
All right, but we're gonna have
130
00:05:58,308 --> 00:05:59,842
a couple tricks up our sleeve.
131
00:05:59,909 --> 00:06:02,310
Now, I know they like to shoot
their linebackers wide,
132
00:06:02,378 --> 00:06:03,910
so once we get 'em
thinkin' wide,
133
00:06:03,979 --> 00:06:05,946
that's when we run our
fullback up the gut.
134
00:06:06,014 --> 00:06:08,747
OK, or we run the option.
Who's with me?
135
00:06:13,685 --> 00:06:14,385
OK, you know what?
136
00:06:14,453 --> 00:06:16,352
Maybe it's better if I show you.
137
00:06:16,420 --> 00:06:19,855
Blue! 295! Blue! 295!
138
00:06:19,923 --> 00:06:21,623
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!
139
00:06:27,361 --> 00:06:28,928
Yeah! Oh, yeah!
140
00:06:28,996 --> 00:06:30,395
What's up?
141
00:06:30,463 --> 00:06:32,063
What's up?
142
00:06:37,401 --> 00:06:38,568
Whoo!
143
00:07:12,624 --> 00:07:14,192
Yeah!
144
00:07:14,259 --> 00:07:15,925
What's up? Whoo-hoo, yeah!
145
00:07:15,993 --> 00:07:19,461
All right! All right! Yeah!
146
00:07:45,246 --> 00:07:46,913
Doug: Whoo! Whoo!
147
00:07:46,981 --> 00:07:51,182
Yeah! All right! Whoo!
148
00:07:51,250 --> 00:07:52,249
What the hell are you doing?
149
00:07:52,317 --> 00:07:53,751
What the hell am I doin'?
What am I not doin'?
150
00:07:53,818 --> 00:07:55,219
I'm gaining 17 yards a carry.
151
00:07:55,286 --> 00:07:57,353
I'm threadin' the needle.
You should have seen me!
152
00:07:57,421 --> 00:08:00,588
Kirby is sittin' in the minivan
listenin' to Dan Fogelberg.
153
00:08:00,656 --> 00:08:02,456
I literally jumped over
this little dude's head.
154
00:08:02,524 --> 00:08:05,091
I just, like, choked him! Sorry.
I'll take care of it.
155
00:08:05,159 --> 00:08:06,559
Hey, guys, gimme a little
of this, all right?
156
00:08:06,627 --> 00:08:08,093
Gimme some of that!
157
00:08:18,234 --> 00:08:23,437
Oh, wow. Sweet minivan, huh?
158
00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:25,072
Whoo! Whatcha got here?
159
00:08:25,139 --> 00:08:27,239
What is this, A... little moose?
160
00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:29,707
Oh, he's chargin'!
161
00:08:29,775 --> 00:08:30,808
All right. We can lose that.
162
00:08:32,743 --> 00:08:34,543
Here's the thing, Kirby.
163
00:08:34,611 --> 00:08:36,712
You can't just stop playing
164
00:08:36,780 --> 00:08:38,146
in the middle of practice.
165
00:08:38,214 --> 00:08:41,782
Mommy said if I wanted to
quit the team, I could quit.
166
00:08:41,850 --> 00:08:45,719
Look, when things
get tough in life,
167
00:08:45,787 --> 00:08:47,653
you just can't quit.
168
00:08:47,721 --> 00:08:50,021
You gotta strive to
make yourself better.
169
00:08:50,089 --> 00:08:53,257
Like Tom Cruise... He's got
everything, right? Wrong.
170
00:08:53,324 --> 00:08:54,358
He didn't like his teeth.
171
00:08:54,425 --> 00:08:55,991
So he got braces.
172
00:08:56,059 --> 00:08:59,294
The point is, he didn't
give up on his choppers.
173
00:09:01,296 --> 00:09:03,297
And you shouldn't
give up on football.
174
00:09:03,365 --> 00:09:04,763
But you quit your team.
175
00:09:05,032 --> 00:09:06,432
The Rebels? No, no, no, no.
176
00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:07,999
I had to stop. I had
an upcoming wedding
177
00:09:08,067 --> 00:09:09,833
and a coach whose nephew
could do no wrong.
178
00:09:10,135 --> 00:09:12,269
If you stopped playing,
I can stop, too.
179
00:09:12,337 --> 00:09:13,736
Look, believe me, I
didn't wanna stop.
180
00:09:13,804 --> 00:09:15,171
So try out again.
181
00:09:15,238 --> 00:09:16,505
Well, there's...
182
00:09:16,573 --> 00:09:18,773
If you play, I'll play.
183
00:09:18,841 --> 00:09:19,774
That sounds fair.
184
00:09:19,842 --> 00:09:20,808
Yeah.
185
00:09:27,247 --> 00:09:28,846
Hey, babe. How was practice?
186
00:09:28,914 --> 00:09:31,015
It was good. It was fun.
187
00:09:31,082 --> 00:09:33,582
Interesting. What are ya...
What are ya makin'?
188
00:09:33,650 --> 00:09:36,152
Well, it was gonna be
chicken and Rice-A-Roni,
189
00:09:36,218 --> 00:09:37,352
but I burnt the rice,
190
00:09:37,420 --> 00:09:40,854
so we're lookin'
at Chicken-A-Roni.
191
00:09:40,922 --> 00:09:44,458
Hey, you know what I,
uh, realized today?
192
00:09:44,525 --> 00:09:45,757
How much I miss football.
193
00:09:45,825 --> 00:09:49,860
You know, how much I miss
having it a part of my life.
194
00:09:49,928 --> 00:09:51,594
You mean the 10 hours
you watch every Sunday
195
00:09:51,662 --> 00:09:53,563
ain't gettin' it done?
196
00:09:56,433 --> 00:09:58,433
Y-You'd think it would, but no.
No.
197
00:09:58,501 --> 00:10:00,501
No, I'm talkin' about,
like, the contact.
198
00:10:00,568 --> 00:10:02,302
The smell of the grass.
199
00:10:02,370 --> 00:10:04,904
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
200
00:10:04,972 --> 00:10:06,838
I'm gonna go get
us some Taco Bell.
201
00:10:06,906 --> 00:10:08,639
Uh, you know what?
Don't worry about me.
202
00:10:08,706 --> 00:10:10,307
I'm gonna just eat
somethin' light.
203
00:10:10,375 --> 00:10:11,941
Apple, maybe.
204
00:10:15,378 --> 00:10:18,679
What? You mean, like, apple pie?
205
00:10:18,747 --> 00:10:22,482
No, an apple. I think I just need
to start gettin' in better shape.
206
00:10:22,549 --> 00:10:24,850
I thought you wanted to
see how big you can get
207
00:10:24,918 --> 00:10:27,085
and still wear jeans.
208
00:10:28,487 --> 00:10:29,786
No, no. I was just thinkin'
about what you said,
209
00:10:29,854 --> 00:10:31,221
you know, the other day when
I was lyin' on the couch...
210
00:10:31,288 --> 00:10:32,488
that I should be more active,
211
00:10:32,556 --> 00:10:36,691
and that's why I picked
up one of these.
212
00:10:36,759 --> 00:10:40,328
"The Nassau Rebels
tryout waiver"?
213
00:10:40,395 --> 00:10:41,094
Yeah, you remember the Rebels.
214
00:10:41,161 --> 00:10:42,695
No.
215
00:10:42,763 --> 00:10:44,062
Sure, you do. It's
a semipro team.
216
00:10:44,130 --> 00:10:45,197
I remember the team.
217
00:10:45,265 --> 00:10:48,466
I mean, no, you're not
playing football again.
218
00:10:50,368 --> 00:10:52,869
I think I am.
219
00:10:52,936 --> 00:10:54,737
What the hell is going
on here, anyway, Doug?
220
00:10:54,805 --> 00:10:56,003
I mean, you spend one afternoon
221
00:10:56,071 --> 00:10:57,539
runnin' around with a
bunch of 8-year-olds,
222
00:10:57,606 --> 00:10:59,473
and all of a sudden,
you're turning pro?
223
00:10:59,541 --> 00:11:00,707
OK, first of all, it's semipro,
224
00:11:00,775 --> 00:11:02,541
and there are a couple
9-year-olds there, OK?
225
00:11:07,213 --> 00:11:10,780
Look, here's the thing. I
promised Kirby I'd play.
226
00:11:10,847 --> 00:11:11,848
Why?
227
00:11:11,915 --> 00:11:14,482
Well, Kirby wanted
to quit the team.
228
00:11:14,550 --> 00:11:16,617
So I made a deal with him.
229
00:11:16,685 --> 00:11:19,953
He'll keep on playing
if I do this.
230
00:11:20,021 --> 00:11:22,322
Does Kirby know that
you're 36 years old
231
00:11:22,389 --> 00:11:24,556
and have a heart flutter?
232
00:11:24,624 --> 00:11:27,359
What... What are you saying? You
don't think I can handle it?
233
00:11:27,426 --> 00:11:28,692
Oh, no. Sure, you can
play football again,
234
00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:30,660
but why stop there, Doug, hmm?
235
00:11:30,728 --> 00:11:34,529
Why don't you become a superhero...
Captain Neckfat?
236
00:11:34,597 --> 00:11:38,933
That's nice. How long you had
that one in the holster, huh?
237
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:43,969
You are not playing
semiprofessional football. OK?
238
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,738
It is ridiculous.
239
00:11:45,805 --> 00:11:48,505
It's just on the weekends, and
believe me, I can handle it.
240
00:11:48,573 --> 00:11:50,473
I played football all my life.
241
00:11:50,541 --> 00:11:52,074
And by the way, you
can't just say no, OK?
242
00:11:52,142 --> 00:11:53,242
I'll do what I want!
243
00:11:53,310 --> 00:11:54,610
I just need you to
sign this, though.
244
00:11:54,678 --> 00:11:56,410
You gotta sign this.
245
00:11:56,478 --> 00:11:57,411
Why?
246
00:11:57,479 --> 00:11:58,546
Spouses need to sign.
247
00:11:58,613 --> 00:12:00,180
A couple wives sued. Whatever.
248
00:12:02,683 --> 00:12:04,916
"We, the undersigned,
hereby waive any claims
249
00:12:04,984 --> 00:12:07,885
"against the Nassau Rebels
for any bodily injury,
250
00:12:08,020 --> 00:12:10,453
concussion, paralysis,
and/or death."
251
00:12:12,589 --> 00:12:16,791
In case you didn't understand
the form, these are all bad.
252
00:12:16,859 --> 00:12:18,858
It's gonna be fine, OK?
253
00:12:18,926 --> 00:12:20,860
I already called Danny.
He's gonna train me.
254
00:12:20,928 --> 00:12:23,029
You know, he used to be a personal
trainer back in the late eighties.
255
00:12:23,096 --> 00:12:26,197
Oh... well, now I
feel much better.
256
00:12:26,265 --> 00:12:28,932
Why didn't you tell me
your slightly less fat,
257
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,200
asthmatic cousin was
gonna train you?
258
00:12:36,938 --> 00:12:39,539
Look, I am doing this! OK?
259
00:12:39,606 --> 00:12:41,541
Hefferlegs is back in town!
260
00:12:43,343 --> 00:12:44,876
I still need you to
sign this, though.
261
00:12:53,182 --> 00:12:54,148
Any back pain?
262
00:12:54,216 --> 00:12:55,149
No.
263
00:12:55,217 --> 00:12:56,149
Arthritis?
264
00:12:56,217 --> 00:12:57,150
No.
265
00:12:57,218 --> 00:12:58,650
Trouble urinating?
266
00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:04,354
Yeah. When I get excited,
I pee on the rug.
267
00:13:06,123 --> 00:13:08,324
OK, what are we doin' here? When are
we gonna start liftin' weights?
268
00:13:08,359 --> 00:13:11,059
Relax, guy. I can't train you
unless I know your medical history.
269
00:13:11,126 --> 00:13:12,327
Fine.
270
00:13:12,395 --> 00:13:14,328
Do you suffer from headaches?
271
00:13:14,396 --> 00:13:15,329
No.
272
00:13:15,397 --> 00:13:16,629
Ever had a cardio-bypass
273
00:13:16,697 --> 00:13:18,565
or valve replacement?
274
00:13:20,232 --> 00:13:23,367
If I did, don't you think it
would've come up at Thanksgiving?
275
00:13:24,202 --> 00:13:26,502
OK, y-you're fighting me here.
276
00:13:26,570 --> 00:13:29,338
You're not understanding
the Danny system.
277
00:13:29,405 --> 00:13:33,341
I'm trying to tailor a specific
training program for your needs.
278
00:13:33,408 --> 00:13:35,508
And not just your
physical needs.
279
00:13:35,576 --> 00:13:38,010
But I focus on the mental...
280
00:13:38,078 --> 00:13:39,911
the spiritual...
281
00:13:39,979 --> 00:13:41,646
and the emotional.
282
00:13:41,714 --> 00:13:43,347
Let's go, maggot!
283
00:13:43,414 --> 00:13:45,315
Come on... lift it,
284
00:13:45,383 --> 00:13:47,417
you worthless sack of sh...
285
00:13:47,485 --> 00:13:48,784
I don't need to be berated.
286
00:13:50,019 --> 00:13:52,553
I don't need to
find my "center."
287
00:13:53,822 --> 00:13:56,289
I don't need to learn
the "Navajo way."
288
00:13:56,357 --> 00:13:59,859
I just need you to help
me get back in shape.
289
00:13:59,926 --> 00:14:01,158
So you're angry.
290
00:14:01,226 --> 00:14:02,961
Yes.
291
00:14:03,028 --> 00:14:05,329
Welcome to the Danny system.
292
00:14:06,830 --> 00:14:08,965
What do you say we go
build us a better Doug?
293
00:14:14,369 --> 00:14:16,069
Hey, Car. Hey!
294
00:14:16,136 --> 00:14:17,170
Well, is he ready yet?
295
00:14:17,238 --> 00:14:18,737
Oh, he'll be right down.
296
00:14:18,805 --> 00:14:20,672
Why don't you have a cup
of coffee and a Danish?
297
00:14:20,740 --> 00:14:22,540
Well, OK. Yeah. Sit down.
298
00:14:22,607 --> 00:14:23,773
Thanks. Yeah.
299
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:25,308
Here you go, sweetie.
300
00:14:25,375 --> 00:14:26,309
Yeah. All right.
301
00:14:26,376 --> 00:14:27,309
You nice and comfy?
302
00:14:27,376 --> 00:14:28,644
Yeah. Good.
303
00:14:32,714 --> 00:14:33,880
Ow!
304
00:14:33,948 --> 00:14:35,848
What the hell is wrong with you?
305
00:14:35,916 --> 00:14:37,783
That's for making Doug
play football again.
306
00:14:37,851 --> 00:14:39,184
He's gonna get himself killed.
307
00:14:39,252 --> 00:14:40,485
I didn't make him. Oh, oh.
308
00:14:40,553 --> 00:14:41,652
You know what? I expect
309
00:14:41,719 --> 00:14:43,320
this kind of
stupidity from Doug.
310
00:14:43,388 --> 00:14:45,155
That's a given.
311
00:14:45,222 --> 00:14:47,556
But not from you. You should
be lookin' out for him.
312
00:14:47,623 --> 00:14:48,857
I do look out for him.
313
00:14:48,925 --> 00:14:51,592
Oh, bull. You're just
tryin' to de-gay your son.
314
00:14:53,162 --> 00:14:55,662
All right, fine. I'm not
thrilled about things.
315
00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:58,931
But is it so wrong? I mean,
is it so wrong for me
316
00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:00,832
to someday want to
visit my grandkids
317
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:03,767
and not my bachelor
son and his 2 cats?
318
00:15:05,402 --> 00:15:08,035
I want you to tell Doug to stop.
319
00:15:09,105 --> 00:15:10,806
You know what? You
know, I don't think
320
00:15:10,873 --> 00:15:12,807
you should be so against this.
I mean,
321
00:15:12,874 --> 00:15:14,808
have you seen your husband lately?
He's workin' out.
322
00:15:14,875 --> 00:15:16,176
He's eatin' right.
323
00:15:16,243 --> 00:15:18,043
I mean, look. He even taped up
324
00:15:18,111 --> 00:15:20,545
this old picture of himself
so he can stay motivated.
325
00:15:20,612 --> 00:15:23,947
Now, tell me you wouldn't kill to
get him just halfway back to this.
326
00:15:24,015 --> 00:15:26,282
I'm horny just
lookin' at the guy.
327
00:15:27,384 --> 00:15:28,983
I don't care how he looks.
328
00:15:29,051 --> 00:15:30,985
I'd rather have him
fat than dead.
329
00:15:46,096 --> 00:15:46,761
All right, come on!
330
00:15:46,829 --> 00:15:48,329
You can do it!
331
00:15:48,397 --> 00:15:50,397
One more! Let's go! One more!
332
00:15:50,465 --> 00:15:52,232
That's right. Bring it to mama.
333
00:15:52,299 --> 00:15:53,667
Come on! Come on, now!
334
00:15:53,734 --> 00:15:55,701
Push! OK! Yeah!
335
00:15:55,769 --> 00:15:57,402
Ohhh! Ohh! Come on!
336
00:15:57,470 --> 00:15:59,236
Yeah! Ohhh!
337
00:16:11,045 --> 00:16:12,646
Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up.
338
00:16:12,713 --> 00:16:14,080
Up, up, up, up, up, up, up!
339
00:16:14,148 --> 00:16:16,080
Down, down, down, down, down,
down, down, down, down.
340
00:16:16,148 --> 00:16:17,282
Down, down, down.
341
00:16:17,349 --> 00:16:19,316
OK. Good, good, good, good, good.
That's good.
342
00:16:19,384 --> 00:16:20,451
You take a short
break, all right?
343
00:16:20,519 --> 00:16:22,585
I got 300 waitin' for
you right over here.
344
00:16:22,653 --> 00:16:23,586
Oh, God.
345
00:16:23,654 --> 00:16:25,020
Hey, man. How's the champ?
346
00:16:25,087 --> 00:16:26,455
Aw, just another
day in Stinktown.
347
00:16:26,523 --> 00:16:30,357
I'm gettin' ready to
relocate 300 L.B.S. What up?
348
00:16:30,425 --> 00:16:32,292
I just stopped by
to say thanks, man.
349
00:16:32,359 --> 00:16:35,494
You really came through for me here.
And... And listen,
350
00:16:35,562 --> 00:16:37,362
Kirby made you somethin' to
wear at the tryouts tomorrow.
351
00:16:37,429 --> 00:16:39,863
It's a... It's a bandana. See?
352
00:16:39,930 --> 00:16:43,098
With your name on it. You're
really, like, his hero, man.
353
00:16:43,167 --> 00:16:45,900
Look, who knows who's a
hero for who, you know?
354
00:16:45,968 --> 00:16:48,769
I'm just one man, and... What is
that, glitter? I can't wear that.
355
00:16:49,004 --> 00:16:49,836
Come on. 300. Let's go.
356
00:16:50,172 --> 00:16:50,838
Come on. 300.
357
00:16:50,906 --> 00:16:53,106
Let's do it! 300, baby.
358
00:16:53,174 --> 00:16:54,339
Ohhh!
359
00:16:55,541 --> 00:16:58,309
Ruuuuhhhhh!
360
00:16:58,377 --> 00:17:01,011
Aaaahhhh!
361
00:17:01,079 --> 00:17:02,345
Yeah!
362
00:17:02,413 --> 00:17:03,179
Wow! Whoo!
363
00:17:03,247 --> 00:17:04,246
3 bills. Damn.
364
00:17:04,314 --> 00:17:07,883
Oh, look, who knows
who benches what?
365
00:17:07,950 --> 00:17:10,283
Could I bench-press
a full-grown deer?
366
00:17:10,351 --> 00:17:13,419
Sure, but it's about the kids.
That's really what matters.
367
00:17:13,487 --> 00:17:14,387
Ohhh... Thanks.
368
00:17:14,455 --> 00:17:15,520
Ohhh...
369
00:17:24,060 --> 00:17:26,462
What the hell is this?
370
00:17:26,529 --> 00:17:27,962
What the hell's what?
371
00:17:29,565 --> 00:17:31,231
These things are Styrofoam!
372
00:17:31,299 --> 00:17:32,998
Styrofoam?
373
00:17:33,066 --> 00:17:34,567
Uhh... I'll look into that.
374
00:17:34,701 --> 00:17:36,701
Meanwhile, you start
banging out some sit-ups.
375
00:17:36,769 --> 00:17:39,569
Why the hell am I
liftin' Styrofoam?
376
00:17:39,637 --> 00:17:41,504
Oh, it's just those two.
They're my motivators.
377
00:17:41,572 --> 00:17:43,906
Your what? Mo-ti-va-tors?
378
00:17:44,974 --> 00:17:46,741
They build confidence?
379
00:17:46,809 --> 00:17:47,741
What the... So what
are you sayin'?
380
00:17:47,809 --> 00:17:49,977
I... I ca... I can't bench 300?
381
00:17:50,045 --> 00:17:50,910
I gotta be honest with you.
382
00:17:50,978 --> 00:17:53,079
I don't think you can bench 200.
383
00:17:53,147 --> 00:17:55,747
But you think you can bench 300.
384
00:17:55,815 --> 00:17:57,315
That's the magic.
385
00:17:57,383 --> 00:17:58,216
So, what... what about
everything else?
386
00:17:58,284 --> 00:17:59,316
What about the 40-yard dash?
387
00:17:59,383 --> 00:18:01,150
I... I didn't really run a 4-8?
388
00:18:01,218 --> 00:18:02,584
No, no. You ran a 4-8.
389
00:18:02,652 --> 00:18:05,086
But it was the 29-yard dash.
390
00:18:05,154 --> 00:18:07,455
Why the hell would
you lie to me?
391
00:18:07,523 --> 00:18:08,589
I didn't lie.
392
00:18:08,656 --> 00:18:10,757
I mo-ti-va-ted.
393
00:18:10,825 --> 00:18:13,126
I cannot work like this!
394
00:18:22,332 --> 00:18:24,165
Hey, hon. What are you doin'?
395
00:18:24,233 --> 00:18:26,767
Rollin' a ham-and-Swiss doobie.
396
00:18:28,103 --> 00:18:29,536
Doug, you're...
You're in training.
397
00:18:29,604 --> 00:18:31,271
Your tryouts are tomorrow.
398
00:18:31,339 --> 00:18:32,438
I'm not tryin' out.
399
00:18:32,506 --> 00:18:33,606
What?
400
00:18:33,673 --> 00:18:35,207
Why?
401
00:18:35,274 --> 00:18:36,974
'Cause Danny lied...
about the weights,
402
00:18:37,042 --> 00:18:39,276
how much I was liftin',
how fast I was runnin'.
403
00:18:40,345 --> 00:18:41,544
You're right. You know what?
404
00:18:41,612 --> 00:18:43,612
I'm not an athlete anymore.
405
00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:45,480
I am what I am.
406
00:19:01,058 --> 00:19:02,992
But you can't quit!
407
00:19:03,060 --> 00:19:04,392
Why not? Well...
408
00:19:04,460 --> 00:19:06,728
for one thing, you
promised little Kirby.
409
00:19:06,795 --> 00:19:09,396
Please. That kid's got Ice-Capades
written all over him.
410
00:19:12,132 --> 00:19:13,531
All right, all
right, forget Kirby.
411
00:19:13,599 --> 00:19:14,967
But what about you Doug?
412
00:19:15,034 --> 00:19:18,069
You... You can't give up on your dream.
You love football.
413
00:19:18,136 --> 00:19:20,070
Yeah. I can still love it
from the couch every Sunday.
414
00:19:20,137 --> 00:19:22,137
What the hell do you
keep lookin' at?
415
00:19:22,205 --> 00:19:24,072
Our sushi magnet.
416
00:19:26,474 --> 00:19:28,108
No, you weren't. You're
lookin' at "Eighties Doug"!
417
00:19:28,175 --> 00:19:29,142
No, I wasn't.
418
00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:31,576
That's why you got on
board with all this!
419
00:19:31,644 --> 00:19:34,412
Not to support me! You just
don't want me to be fat!
420
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:37,080
I don't think you're fat.
421
00:19:38,649 --> 00:19:40,149
You don't think I'm fat?
Look at you!
422
00:19:40,151 --> 00:19:41,717
You're lookin' at me right
now like I'm 2 meals away
423
00:19:41,785 --> 00:19:44,686
from needin' one of
those little scooters!
424
00:19:44,754 --> 00:19:46,720
All right, fine, OK? I admit it.
425
00:19:46,788 --> 00:19:50,023
I like you better when you can peel
an orange without breakin' a sweat.
426
00:19:51,491 --> 00:19:53,024
At least you're bein' honest.
427
00:19:53,092 --> 00:19:55,026
All right, forget about
the pictures, Doug.
428
00:19:55,093 --> 00:19:58,628
This isn't about me. This is...
It's about you.
429
00:19:58,695 --> 00:20:01,363
I mean, I gotta tell you...
430
00:20:01,431 --> 00:20:02,798
since this whole
football thing started,
431
00:20:02,865 --> 00:20:04,132
you're like a different person.
432
00:20:04,199 --> 00:20:06,866
You're... You're focused,
you're committed...
433
00:20:06,935 --> 00:20:08,101
sexy...
434
00:20:08,169 --> 00:20:09,935
yeah, and...
435
00:20:10,003 --> 00:20:13,905
really, you've worked
too hard to quit now.
436
00:20:13,973 --> 00:20:17,207
But Danny lied about...
Oh, so what?
437
00:20:17,275 --> 00:20:19,309
So the other guys are
stronger and faster.
438
00:20:19,376 --> 00:20:22,177
That doesn't make 'em
better football players.
439
00:20:22,212 --> 00:20:24,912
Actually, that's exactly what makes
'em better football players.
440
00:20:24,980 --> 00:20:26,713
All right. Yeah. OK.
441
00:20:26,781 --> 00:20:28,748
So you can't lift 300 pounds.
442
00:20:28,816 --> 00:20:32,317
But you're strong, Doug,
and football is your game.
443
00:20:33,685 --> 00:20:35,153
I was pretty good.
444
00:20:35,254 --> 00:20:36,620
You are pretty good!
445
00:20:36,687 --> 00:20:39,455
And you know what? You might
not make the team tomorrow.
446
00:20:39,523 --> 00:20:42,290
Big deal. But I'll
tell you somethin'.
447
00:20:42,358 --> 00:20:44,159
After tomorrow's tryouts,
448
00:20:44,227 --> 00:20:49,095
those guys are gonna know that
Doug Heffernan was there!
449
00:20:51,497 --> 00:20:52,564
Ooommmhhh!
450
00:20:54,299 --> 00:20:56,833
Ohhh... God!
451
00:21:06,941 --> 00:21:08,207
Watch out, man.
452
00:21:09,443 --> 00:21:10,609
Aaahh!
453
00:21:10,677 --> 00:21:11,376
Ready!
454
00:21:11,444 --> 00:21:13,344
Hut!
455
00:21:13,412 --> 00:21:14,211
Oh, God.
456
00:21:14,279 --> 00:21:15,646
Oh, God. Oh, God!
457
00:21:23,319 --> 00:21:26,753
Daddy, can I quit
the football team?
458
00:21:26,821 --> 00:21:28,422
Way ahead of ya.
459
00:21:29,823 --> 00:21:30,923
Guess I'll...
460
00:21:30,990 --> 00:21:32,757
I'll go meet Doug by the car.
461
00:21:49,036 --> 00:21:50,702
What can I get ya?
462
00:21:50,770 --> 00:21:54,805
Um, I'll have a small
nonfat yogurt, and...
463
00:21:57,641 --> 00:21:59,641
a bucket of rocky road.
33094
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