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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[audience cheering]
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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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-Mr. Jack Whitehall!
-[audience cheering and applauding]
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We having a drink this evening, London?
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-[audience cheering]
-Yeah!
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On the bevvies!
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I'm, uh…
I'm actually on the waters this evening.
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Um, I don't wanna start--
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No, I don't wanna start proceedings off
on a bum note,
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00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:30,119
but I had a situation recently.
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I don't wanna say intervention.
That's a strong word.
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But no, basically,
some of my friends took me aside
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00:00:36,480 --> 00:00:38,800
and said they were worried
I drink too much.
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I was like, "Shit, I'm gonna have
to do something about that."
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And I am proud to say,
that as of last week,
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I have just celebrated six months
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of not seeing them.
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[audience laughing]
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-Twelve steps away from those losers!
-[audience cheering]
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00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:57,440
[audience laughing]
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I read an article recently…
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[laughs]
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Why do I say that I read an article?
I saw a TikTok.
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00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:04,319
[audience laughing]
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And the TikTok said that red wine actually
has quite a lot of health benefits.
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-So, yeah.
-[man cheers]
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[Jack laughs]
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That was definitely an alcoholic,
not a doctor, cheering in the back there!
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[audience laughs]
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To be fair, that is when you know
that you drink too much,
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is when you've got a health benefit
for your alcoholic beverage of choice.
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I think, over the years,
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I may have collected one
for every drink. [chuckles]
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Let's put it to the test tonight, right?
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Shout out some
of your favorite alcoholic beverages.
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I'll try to give you
health benefits for them.
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[audience shouting]
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Okay, vodka in low amounts
can lower your cholesterol.
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Okay, white wine has ellagic acid in it,
which is good for your circulation.
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[man] Jägerbomb!
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Uh, Jägerbombs, uh, keep you alert
if you're driving late at night.
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[audience laughing]
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I'll take one more.
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Stella? "Fucking Stella!" [laughs]
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In his string vest, aye.
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Uh, um, I'll take you through the beers.
I heard Guinness over there as well.
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Stella is a lager which has riboflavin,
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which is good
for the production of red blood cells.
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You said Guinness,
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which is a stout, which has iron in it,
which helps with your immune system.
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And craft IPAs help you tell
which one of your friends is a bell end.
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[audience laughing]
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That's the big trend these days, isn't it?
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All of this non-alcoholic booze
you see everywhere.
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I'll tell you what. It's gone too far.
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The other day, I saw for sale
a bottle of non-alcoholic sambuca.
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[audience laughs]
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Who the fuck
is buying non-alcoholic sambuca?
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Newsflash,
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no one in the history of the world
has ever ordered a sambuca
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when they haven't been
completely shit-faced.
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[audience laughs]
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No one is drinking 'buca
for its wonderful flavor profile.
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It's not a beverage. It's a forfeit.
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It's the most minging drink in existence.
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It tastes like Bertie Bassett's ball sack.
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[audience laughing]
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It's so gross,
it's only serving suggestion is "on fire."
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There is no other drink on the market
that they do that with.
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"Oh, sommelier, can I get a bottle
of the 1986 Cabernet Sauvignon, please?"
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"Oh, no, don't decant it. Just rack it up,
chuck in a couple of coffee beans,
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and torch the fucker."
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Sambuca is so gross
that you could go on a night out,
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you could get so annihilated
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that you end up
picking a fight with a revolving door,
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getting chucked out of a nightclub
for defecating into a lady's handbag,
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and then wanking off a tramp
behind a wheelie bin.
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You would still wake up
the following morning
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and the thing you most regret
from the night before
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is that you drank sambuca.
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[audience laughing]
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It's crazy.
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We've got non-alcoholic booze now.
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We've got Beyond Meat.
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Vaping.
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They are taking away our vices.
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I called my drug dealer the other day.
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He offered me something called
I Can't Believe It's Not Cocaine!
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[audience laughing]
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I do try, as I get a little bit older,
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I try to interrogate
my relationship with alcohol a bit more.
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I genuinely think I drink as a crutch,
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'cause I think
I get quite bad social anxiety.
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Which people are surprised to hear,
'cause I do this for a living.
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But that's why I love a whiskey.
Whiskey is my drink.
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It's my go-to because what whiskey does
is it just tweaks my internal monologue.
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That little voice in your head.
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'Cause if I walk into a room sober,
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the voice in my head
is like a cross between
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my dad and Severus Snape.
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[audience laughs]
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I walk into a room sober, it's like…
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[sternly] "Nobody in this room likes you."
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[audience laughs]
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"Look how disappointed they are
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that you didn't bring
your daddy with you."
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[audience laughs]
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"Most of these cheapskates
probably don't even know who you are
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now that Netflix have clamped down
on password sharing."
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[audience laughs]
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"They're all looking over
at your ridiculous new haircut."
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"You thought by growing it out,
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you'd look like Kit Harington
from Game of Thrones."
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"And instead you've wound up looking like
a Tesco Value Richard Hammond."
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[audience laughing]
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That got far too much laughter
this evening.
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00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:07,640
[audience laughing]
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I have a whiskey, right,
one scotch inside me,
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it's like that voice
miraculously transforms
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into a sort of Scottish hype man.
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One whiskey down, it's like,
"Oy, oy, Jacky boy!"
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"Of course you can fucking breakdance!"
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"I don't give a shite
if it's your grandmother's funeral!"
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[audience laughing]
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I mean, to be fair, that's what I'm like
after the Scottish whiskeys.
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If I've had a Japanese whiskey,
it sounds like this.
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Actually, I'm not gonna do
that one tonight. I…
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00:05:37,599 --> 00:05:39,200
[audience laughing]
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[Jack giggles]
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I also, of course, blame
my social inadequacies on my upbringing.
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As many of you know,
I was sent to a boarding school age ten,
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because my parents
were financially well-off
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but emotionally bankrupt.
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[audience laughing]
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I know, obviously. Check my privilege.
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I know going to a school like that
is a ridiculously unfair leg up in life.
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If you needed any more proof that the arts
are far too polluted with toff actors,
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look no further than my school.
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00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:06,560
Bloody everyone went there, all right?
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Emma Watson went there.
Robert Pattinson went there.
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Yeah, it was Hogwarts.
I went to Hogwarts. I, uh…
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00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:15,320
Tom Hiddleston went there as well.
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And what this means is that
whenever they write about this school
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in newspapers and magazines
and articles and alike,
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they always get name-checked,
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and I am nowhere near it.
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It's like I am
the school's dirty little secret.
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Just swept underneath the rug.
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[audience laughing]
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Now, obviously, I have a very fragile ego,
and I had to go check the school's website
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to see if I'm on the list
of famous former pupils.
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I'm there, but you've got to scroll down
for about half an hour.
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I'm right down the bottom.
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What the fuck do you call this?
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[audience laughing]
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I'm underneath a rower!
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A fucking rower!
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And yes, he won a gold medal,
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but he was in a boat
where there was eight of them.
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An eighth of a gold medal?
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I've played the O2 Arena, bitch!
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[audience cheering and applauding]
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[Jack chuckles]
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What's funny is that bit is
so much easier to get on board with
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when I leave out the detail
that he was a Paralympian. [chuckles]
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-[audience laughs]
-No. No, too late.
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Too late. You've laughed at it now.
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Not nice. Shame on you, London.
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Laughing at the one-armed rower. Not nice.
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[audience laughing]
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I made that last bit--
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He's not a one-armed rower.
That is not factually accurate. [laughs]
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A one-armed rower,
that wouldn't work, would it?
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The boat would just go in a circle.
Stop it. No.
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[audience laughing]
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The point that I wanted to make is this.
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This is something that I've talked about,
this slight to my wafer-thin ego.
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I have complained about the fact
that my school have no pride in me
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on podcasts, radio interviews, television.
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I've really put it out there
into the world.
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Now, the moral of the story is this.
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Be very careful what you wish for.
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Six months ago,
there was a story about my school.
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It was about a teacher
that had been arrested
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because they had found
indecent images on his laptop.
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Newspaper headline,
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"Pervert teacher arrested
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00:08:13,719 --> 00:08:15,719
at Jack Whitehall's former school."
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00:08:15,799 --> 00:08:17,280
[audience laughing]
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Where is Emma Watson now?
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[audience laughing]
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This guy wasn't even a teacher
when I was there.
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They had a picture of me in the article.
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Scroll down
and there's Professor Noncey-Bollocks,
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and me grinning next to him
like I was his muse. [giggles]
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What the fuck is that?
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00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:38,199
[audience laughing]
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Don't use that picture as well.
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That is the worst photo
that's ever been taken of me.
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That photo is so unattractive,
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if they had found that
on the teacher's laptop,
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he probably would've got away with it.
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00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:51,280
[audience laughing]
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00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:55,480
And they really felt the need as well
to do me dirty in the caption. Yeah.
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Really. They felt it was necessary
to point out that of these two images,
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the depraved pervert
was the one on the left.
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00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:05,760
[audience laughing]
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Outrageous.
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00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:09,800
[audience laughing]
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00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:14,199
The weirdest reaction to this story,
hands down, was my mother's. Okay?
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00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:17,520
I saw my mum about a week
after this article had been printed.
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00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:22,079
Went to her house, she's in the kitchen,
big shit-eating grin on her face.
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00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:24,640
She was like,
"I saw you in the newspaper."
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00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:27,400
I was like, "Did you read the article?"
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"All publicity is good publicity."
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00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:30,880
[audience laughs]
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00:09:30,959 --> 00:09:33,600
"I don't think that holds up
in this context."
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00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:37,440
"And, just to be clear, you know,
he did not… touch me up."
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00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:40,360
Do you know what she said? "Oh, darling,
I wouldn't take it to heart."
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00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:42,720
"You probably just weren't his type."
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00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:43,640
What?!
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00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:46,240
[audience laughing]
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00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:49,320
This was the final kick in the bollocks.
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00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:52,360
The final kick in the bollocks came
when I read the main body of the article,
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00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:54,120
which I've brought to share with you.
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00:09:54,199 --> 00:09:56,880
I'm over it.
I just thought I would share this detail.
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00:09:56,959 --> 00:10:00,839
I took it down off my mum's fridge,
and I'm gonna read you this short extract.
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00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:03,280
Now bearing in mind
I've already got issues with my billing
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00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:04,680
when they write about this school,
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00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:08,440
have a little listen to this
and see why it may have irked me.
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00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,920
'Cause I wasn't
the only famous former pupil
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00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,240
that they decided to debut
in this article.
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00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:15,520
Listen now,
'cause it's subtle, mind. Ready?
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00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:18,959
"Criminal proceedings have been
brought against David Chambers,
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00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:22,240
a teacher at one of Britain's
most exclusive private schools,
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00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:26,240
attended by famous former pupils
such as Jack Whitehall
239
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:28,160
and Ghislaine Maxwell."
240
00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:29,240
[surprised laughter]
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00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:32,040
We do not come as a pair!
242
00:10:32,839 --> 00:10:35,640
What on earth
was this journalist thinking?
243
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:39,160
"I'm gonna write an article
about a pedophile teacher today."
244
00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:42,839
"I wonder who to name-check.
How about a convicted human trafficker
245
00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:45,400
and the star of Clifford the Big Red Dog?"
246
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:48,280
[audience roaring with laughter]
247
00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:54,440
Don't put those pictures
next to each other in an article as well.
248
00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:58,120
For God's sake, it makes it look like
I'm leading Clifford out of the courtroom
249
00:10:58,199 --> 00:10:59,560
after he's given evidence.
250
00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:01,320
-[audience laughing]
-Naughty dog.
251
00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:05,959
I feel like we've bonded now.
We've formed a connection.
252
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:09,079
I think now you're ready
for some of the hard-hitting material.
253
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:11,360
This is a serious point that I wanna make.
254
00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:12,760
Is it just me…
255
00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:15,240
[audience laughs]
256
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:17,640
Is it just me, or have those
257
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:21,040
I-am-not-a-robot tests
started getting harder?
258
00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:22,440
[audience laughing]
259
00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:24,079
This isn't the serious bit yet.
260
00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:26,480
This is just one last thing
I have to get off my chest.
261
00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:28,839
What the fuck are they playing at?
262
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:32,520
I have found bicycles
tucked away on roof racks,
263
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,719
cars parked behind walls.
264
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:38,199
The other day, I shit you not,
I was looking for the boats.
265
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,280
One of them was up a fucking tree!
266
00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:42,199
[audience laughing]
267
00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:44,199
Has anyone else had that moment recently
268
00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:46,280
where you're doing
the I-am-not-a-robot test,
269
00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:48,959
you're on your own in your bedroom
in front of your laptop,
270
00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:52,680
and you have failed
the I-am-not-a-robot test so many times
271
00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:55,719
that you have that moment
where you stop and you go, "Fuck."
272
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:59,120
-"Maybe I am a robot"?
-[audience laughing]
273
00:11:59,199 --> 00:12:03,000
"Maybe this is how robots realize
that they're robots."
274
00:12:03,079 --> 00:12:05,320
"'Cause they just can't work out
275
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:09,000
whether a traffic light
consists of the box of lights
276
00:12:09,079 --> 00:12:11,560
or the post that it's on as well."
277
00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:13,440
[audience laughing]
278
00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:16,800
"I'm having an existential crisis here!"
279
00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:20,800
"I haven't been able to spot
ten traffic lights in a row."
280
00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:23,800
"I'm either a robot or a cyclist."
281
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:25,719
[audience laughing]
282
00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:27,199
[applause]
283
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:30,640
I just get so bored
with, like, cybersecurity.
284
00:12:30,719 --> 00:12:34,320
Oh my God. I fuck around now with the bank
when they take me through security.
285
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:36,839
"Hello, sir. Gonna take you
through security today."
286
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:40,199
"First up, what is
your mother's maiden name?"
287
00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:43,199
"Also Whitehall.
We like to keep the bloodline pure."
288
00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:46,320
[audience laughing]
289
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:48,920
[Jack laughing]
290
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,800
Or my favorite one,
"Where did you meet your spouse?"
291
00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:54,800
And my bank legally
has to accept the answer.
292
00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:56,240
"Just now, sweet cheeks."
293
00:12:56,320 --> 00:13:00,400
[audience laughing]
294
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,520
My girlfriend got annoyed at me recently
295
00:13:02,599 --> 00:13:06,719
because she saw in my phone that I have
her number saved as her full name.
296
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:10,280
She was like, "That's weird.
We've been going out for three years,
297
00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:12,240
and I'm saved as my full name?"
298
00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:15,160
"I am your girlfriend,
not a business associate."
299
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:18,719
"I should be saved
as some cute little nickname."
300
00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:20,360
So I was like, "Okay, fine."
301
00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:23,400
I've changed it. She is now saved
as a cute little nickname.
302
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:24,360
[audience laughs]
303
00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:26,920
Shall I tell you what it is?
It is a bit cheesy.
304
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:28,800
Now don't judge, okay?
305
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:31,800
She's now saved as
"One-night stand that never left."
306
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:34,440
[audience laughing]
307
00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:37,000
It's all right.
I'm allowed to make that joke. Know why?
308
00:13:37,079 --> 00:13:40,959
Because what she had me saved as
in her phone, hundred times worse, okay?
309
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:43,839
We'd been going out for six months,
six months into our relationship,
310
00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:49,160
and I saw on my girlfriend's phone
that my number was saved as "Jack,"
311
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:51,880
and then in brackets, "London."
312
00:13:51,959 --> 00:13:53,199
What the fuck?
313
00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:55,120
[audience laughing]
314
00:13:55,199 --> 00:13:58,040
"I know a lot of Jacks."
"How many bloody Jacks?"
315
00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:01,199
She's the tech-savvy one
in our relationship.
316
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:02,599
She's got an app for everything.
317
00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:05,360
She's got the Flo app, ladies.
Know about the Flo app?
318
00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:06,959
[women and Jack cheering]
319
00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:08,040
Sisters!
320
00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:10,360
I… [chuckles] Dunno what that was.
321
00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:12,800
No, the point is, the Flo app
is a really clever bit of kit.
322
00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:14,240
But there is one oversight with it,
323
00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:16,160
and that is
that there is not a feature on it
324
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,680
where you can sync it up
to your partner's phone.
325
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:20,880
She's ahead of me here.
326
00:14:20,959 --> 00:14:23,760
That would be
an absolute bloody game-changer.
327
00:14:23,839 --> 00:14:27,479
I'm not saying that I need
all of the nitty-gritty details,
328
00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:29,439
but how incredible would it be
329
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:32,959
if the Flo app could just
ping a little alert to my phone
330
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:37,000
to warn me of the three days each month
when I should shut the fuck up?
331
00:14:37,079 --> 00:14:38,880
[audience laughing]
332
00:14:38,959 --> 00:14:40,000
[Jack chuckles]
333
00:14:40,079 --> 00:14:42,280
[audience cheering and applauding]
334
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:43,319
[Jack chuckles]
335
00:14:44,319 --> 00:14:45,400
[Jack laughs]
336
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:50,880
She warned me in advance.
When we first started going out, she went,
337
00:14:50,959 --> 00:14:53,640
"I need to let you know in advance,
I get really bad PMS."
338
00:14:53,719 --> 00:14:57,000
"Like, really bad.
Like, five or six times a month."
339
00:14:57,079 --> 00:15:00,719
I was like, "I'm not a doctor, but I think
that might be something else. I… "
340
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:03,560
[chuckles] Anyway, it turned out
it actually was something else,
341
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:06,280
because all this time
she had undiagnosed diabetes,
342
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:07,800
and that was the cause of this.
343
00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:09,959
Do we have any diabetics in this evening?
344
00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:12,240
-[scattered cheering]
-Whoo! Yeah, whoo! Yay!
345
00:15:12,319 --> 00:15:14,760
Wave your insulin pens in the air
like you just don't care!
346
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:18,560
Don't do that! That's a very important
bit of kit. [chuckles]
347
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:21,439
Yeah, so she is a member
of the diabetic community,
348
00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:23,360
and, actually, weirdly, bizarrely,
349
00:15:23,439 --> 00:15:26,240
it was the night
that I was hosting the BRIT Awards
350
00:15:26,319 --> 00:15:28,400
at the O2 Arena,
and this is where she got it.
351
00:15:28,479 --> 00:15:30,079
Not got it. [laughs]
352
00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:31,360
[audience laughing]
353
00:15:31,439 --> 00:15:33,920
She didn't "get it"
'cause it's not contagious.
354
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:35,400
Bitten by another diabetic
355
00:15:35,479 --> 00:15:37,560
that mistook her
for a life-size Jelly Baby. No.
356
00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:39,479
-I… [laughs]
-[audience laughing]
357
00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:42,880
No, the night of the BRITs,
we found out, um, that she had diabetes
358
00:15:42,959 --> 00:15:46,800
because she had something called
a diabetic hyper, and she passed out.
359
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:50,160
She fainted, uh, halfway through
Harry Styles's performance.
360
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:52,959
[scattered cheering]
361
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:56,880
Yes, I am aware.
That is quite coincidental timing.
362
00:15:57,400 --> 00:16:00,680
Don't worry, there were
a few raised eyebrows, not least from me.
363
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:03,640
This paramedic backstage
trying to resuscitate her.
364
00:16:03,719 --> 00:16:06,959
"Oh my God, her blood sugar levels
are spiking dangerously."
365
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:10,839
I was like, "Are we sure this isn't just
a 'Watermelon Sugar' high? Because…"
366
00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:12,000
[audience laughing]
367
00:16:12,079 --> 00:16:13,920
To be honest, I was experiencing
368
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,079
quite a lot of the symptoms
of a diabetic hyper
369
00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:19,160
when I was watching
Harry Styles perform as well.
370
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:21,160
Dizziness, shortness of breath.
371
00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:23,240
Erect-- Not erection, that's not one.
372
00:16:23,319 --> 00:16:25,880
[audience laughing]
373
00:16:25,959 --> 00:16:28,880
No, but anyway, yeah. So she ended up
being put into an ambulance
374
00:16:28,959 --> 00:16:30,719
and, uh, we got taken off to A&E,
375
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:33,400
which certainly made
for a different vibe of after-party
376
00:16:33,479 --> 00:16:34,680
to what I was used to.
377
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:38,199
Year before, I'd been hobnobbing
with Stormzy and Rag'n'Bone Man.
378
00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:40,160
Nice to see you again, by the way. I, uh--
379
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:42,520
[Jack and audience laughing]
380
00:16:42,599 --> 00:16:45,040
You blanked me earlier. I couldn't--
It was… great.
381
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:46,680
Anyway, no, I… [laughs]
382
00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:49,479
So, yes, I was having an after-party
the year before with them.
383
00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:53,800
This time round, I was in a hospital,
my girlfriend stricken to a bed
384
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:57,319
with tubes coming out of her arms,
and me in the waiting room,
385
00:16:57,400 --> 00:17:00,760
genuinely worrying that I might never
see the love of my life again.
386
00:17:00,839 --> 00:17:02,120
-[audience] Aw.
-Thank you.
387
00:17:02,199 --> 00:17:05,200
No, at that point, we had no idea
when Harry would be back in the UK.
388
00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:06,879
[audience laughing]
389
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,680
[Jack chuckling]
390
00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:11,640
I gotta say, this diabetes diagnosis,
it was a real shock.
391
00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:13,880
My girlfriend wouldn't
strike you as a diabetic.
392
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:15,880
So you can picture her in your mind's eye,
393
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:18,680
I will begrudgingly give you
this piece information about her.
394
00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:20,599
Um, before she dated me,
395
00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:25,800
she was linked to the actor, quite old,
you would've seen him in some stuff.
396
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:27,159
Uh, bit of a tree hugger.
397
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:28,600
Leonardo DiCaprio.
398
00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:29,840
-Uh…
-[audience laughs]
399
00:17:29,919 --> 00:17:31,600
Yeah. Leonardo Di-fucking-Caprio.
400
00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:35,560
That is a great act to have to follow.
Do you know how depressing that is?
401
00:17:36,159 --> 00:17:39,480
Mainly depressing knowing that the only
reason your girlfriend is with you
402
00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:41,440
is because she turned 26.
403
00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:42,800
[audience laughing]
404
00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:43,880
"Ticktock, off you pop."
405
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:46,440
"Ooh, come here.
This Jack will never let go."
406
00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:49,120
-I, uh… [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
407
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:54,520
I mean, also depressing 'cause I'll never
be able to watch his films ever again.
408
00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:55,880
I used to love his movies.
409
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:58,520
I can't watch them now.
All I can think about is them.
410
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,840
Yeah. The Departed, Gangs of New York.
411
00:18:00,919 --> 00:18:03,760
Who am I kidding? Titanic.
I can't watch Titanic anymore.
412
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:06,040
It gets to the end,
and I'm cheering on the iceberg.
413
00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:08,520
I'm like, "Go on, Rose!
Dunk him! Dunk him!"
414
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:11,040
[audience laughing]
415
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:13,960
And obviously, I know it's worse for her,
you know?
416
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:16,880
She's had to trade in
the Wolf of Wall Street
417
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,600
for the Labradoodle of London.
418
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:22,080
[audience laughing]
419
00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:26,399
She has been amazing though
with her diabetes diagnosis. Honestly.
420
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,320
She's really tried to own it,
my girlfriend.
421
00:18:28,399 --> 00:18:31,280
She tries to talk about it a lot,
educate people, raise awareness.
422
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:34,440
She does these tutorials on her Instagram,
which are great.
423
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:37,240
She only fucked up once, right,
and it was big fuck-up.
424
00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:40,440
She was doing a tutorial
about insulin injections,
425
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:43,159
on Instagram, in the public domain,
426
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:46,760
that ended with my girlfriend
using the phrase,
427
00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:49,919
"At the end of the day,
it's just a tiny prick."
428
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:50,960
[audience laughs]
429
00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:52,640
"And I'm so used to it now,
430
00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:54,679
I can barely feel it go in."
431
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:57,080
[audience laughing]
432
00:18:57,159 --> 00:18:59,480
I know those are the exact words
that she used,
433
00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:04,520
'cause that ten-second clip ended up
in every single one of my group chats,
434
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:07,399
including the family WhatsApp group.
435
00:19:07,919 --> 00:19:11,679
It's how I discovered my dad knows
how to use both the magnifying glass
436
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:13,399
and the aubergine emoji.
437
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:16,520
[audience laughing]
438
00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:19,240
[scattered applause]
439
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:24,080
Ha-fucking-ha.
440
00:19:24,159 --> 00:19:25,640
[audience laughing]
441
00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:29,360
That is the main department in which
it affects your relationship, diabetes.
442
00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:31,760
It means your pancreas
doesn't produce enough insulin,
443
00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:34,640
so you have to very carefully monitor
your blood sugar levels.
444
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:38,120
And if you do any strenuous exercise,
they can dip very dangerously low.
445
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,520
Now what that translates to in real life
446
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:45,480
is that I can now tell exactly
how good of a performance I've put in
447
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:47,120
in the bedroom
448
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:50,960
by what my girlfriend
is having to snack on afterwards.
449
00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:52,520
-[audience laughs]
-[Jack chuckles]
450
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:54,440
If I roll over after sex
451
00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:57,399
and she's tucking in
to an entire novelty Toblerone,
452
00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:00,200
I'm like, "Well played.
Bravo, Jack. Nice work."
453
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:01,240
[audience laughs]
454
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,720
If I roll over and she's popping in
a single Skittle,
455
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,200
I'm like,
"Okay, could try harder next time."
456
00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:08,960
[audience laughing]
457
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:10,800
She puts up with so much, bless her.
458
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:13,240
I asked her,
"We've been going out for three years."
459
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:16,720
"You can tell me honestly,
like, when we first started dating,
460
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:18,760
were there any red flags?"
461
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:22,200
She went, "Honestly,
there weren't any red flags."
462
00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:24,800
I was like,
"Oh my God, that's so cute." [chuckles]
463
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:27,560
She went, "There were
quite a lot of rainbow flags."
464
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:29,880
[audience laughing]
465
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:33,120
I was like, "Oh my God."
466
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:37,000
I nearly spilled my mimosa.
I couldn't believe it.
467
00:20:37,679 --> 00:20:39,960
"You have just ruined
this bottomless brunch."
468
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:41,840
[audience laughing]
469
00:20:41,919 --> 00:20:44,919
To be fair, I do get that quite a lot.
Maybe in America--
470
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:48,480
When I was living in America last year,
the amount of times Americans would say,
471
00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:52,480
[American accent] "Jack, we couldn't
work out whether you were British or gay."
472
00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:53,919
[audience laughing]
473
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:57,320
I know. I was like, just 'cause
I hold out a little pinky finger
474
00:20:57,399 --> 00:20:59,679
whilst I'm sucking a cock? I…
475
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:03,480
[audience laughing]
476
00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:07,080
Another thing I've realized
is we have completely different tastes.
477
00:21:07,159 --> 00:21:09,120
Which I don't think is unhealthy
in a relationship.
478
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:11,000
Some people think that's true love,
479
00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:14,399
when you love all the same things
and finish off each other's sentences.
480
00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:15,600
Is it? Fuck.
481
00:21:15,679 --> 00:21:16,840
[audience laughs]
482
00:21:16,919 --> 00:21:18,240
True love is when you love them
483
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:21,240
in spite of detesting
everything they're passionate about.
484
00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:22,760
[audience laughing]
485
00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:26,440
We can't agree on anything.
A comedian, television shows. Oh my God.
486
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:29,800
My girlfriend loves that show
where they follow the dating lives
487
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:31,560
of people with learning difficulties.
488
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:34,159
Love Island. Love Island.
489
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:36,240
[audience laughing]
490
00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:39,840
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-[Jack laughs]
491
00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:45,399
The other shows my missus loves.
Other ladies will be into these as well.
492
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,640
She mainly likes watching them
very late at night.
493
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:50,919
Normally, if we're in bed,
having a little cuddle, a little spoon.
494
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:54,560
"Ooh, what shall we put on Netflix
as we doze off in each other's arms?"
495
00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:57,640
"Ooh, what about this?
The Connecticut Cannibal."
496
00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:01,520
What is it with you ladies
watching true crime
497
00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:03,640
right before you go to bed?
498
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:07,480
And then having the temerity to wake up
the following morning and be like,
499
00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:11,720
"Oh my God,
I had such bad nightmares last night."
500
00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:13,200
I wonder why!
501
00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:16,600
You literally fell asleep
to a documentary about a serial killer
502
00:22:16,679 --> 00:22:19,120
that targets specifically diabetic women.
503
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,560
[audience laughing]
504
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:24,679
I can't watch anything with my missus
because of the questions.
505
00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:28,280
I've never experienced anything like it
in my entire life.
506
00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:32,679
There are 110-year-old women
in severe cognitive decline
507
00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:35,120
that would ask less questions
than my girlfriend
508
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:37,040
when watching a television show.
509
00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:40,880
She needs a "previously on…"
at the beginning of every scene.
510
00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:44,880
She's like, "Who's he?
Wait, sorry, what's his name again?"
511
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:48,240
"Is he a goodie or a baddie?
Why has he just said that to him?"
512
00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:51,280
[yells] "Why don't we listen
and maybe we'll find out?"
513
00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:53,480
"That's how a scene works!"
514
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:57,080
"At the beginning of it, there will be
some things that we don't know."
515
00:22:57,159 --> 00:23:00,439
"And by the end of it,
we will have learned some more things."
516
00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:03,480
"These are the basic principles
of storytelling."
517
00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:07,360
"But we won't learn anything if we're
talking over all of the dialogue."
518
00:23:07,439 --> 00:23:11,960
"So how about from now on we ask all
of our questions with our inside voices?"
519
00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:13,399
[audience laughing]
520
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:16,560
"Oh my God,
you are so passive-aggressive."
521
00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:18,720
"I was just trying to understand."
522
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:20,960
"If you don't want me to,
I'll sit here in silence."
523
00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:23,520
"I'll just sit here confused
if that's what you want."
524
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:27,320
Then ten seconds of respite. Ten seconds
of silence will befall the room.
525
00:23:27,399 --> 00:23:30,360
I'll be like, "Oh my God, I think
we finally made the breakthrough."
526
00:23:30,439 --> 00:23:33,840
Then the next scene starts,
and boom, on cue, it's up again.
527
00:23:33,919 --> 00:23:37,520
"Who's she? What's her name again?
Is she a goodie or a baddie?"
528
00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:40,560
"She is the protagonist,
and her name is Peppa Pig!"
529
00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:43,360
[audience laughing]
530
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:46,800
I know, I shouldn't be
throwing her under the bus.
531
00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:50,200
I should be standing up for her.
That is my duty as her man.
532
00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:53,080
To be honest, that is the only time
I struggle in our relationship,
533
00:23:53,159 --> 00:23:55,120
is when I'm required to be the alpha.
534
00:23:55,919 --> 00:23:57,399
Fuck you. What was that?
535
00:23:57,480 --> 00:23:58,560
[audience laughs]
536
00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:00,720
Just one woman involuntary guffawing
537
00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:03,399
at the mere notion
of me being an alpha male.
538
00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:04,640
I can pull off alpha.
539
00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:07,760
Admittedly, this pose
is not helping me right now. [laughs]
540
00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:09,000
[audience laughing]
541
00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:10,640
I look like a wounded pigeon.
542
00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:13,560
[audience laughing]
543
00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:14,600
[Jack chuckles]
544
00:24:15,360 --> 00:24:19,000
No. But I'm held to this ridiculously
high standard, that's the problem,
545
00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:21,480
because the guy
that she was seeing just before me
546
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:23,760
was like a proper man's man, right?
547
00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:28,240
He was from the north of England.
He drank beer. He played rugby league.
548
00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:31,560
He used to get into fights.
Yeah. Often on her behalf.
549
00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:35,280
If someone disrespected her,
he would knock them out.
550
00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:37,480
I said to her,
"Now you're going out with me, love."
551
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:41,040
"If someone disrespects you, you're gonna
have to learn to take it on the chin."
552
00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:43,720
[audience laughing]
553
00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:45,640
I'm cut from a very different cloth.
554
00:24:46,159 --> 00:24:48,120
But now, anyone that so much
as looks at her funny,
555
00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:50,280
I'm expected to start a brouhaha,
556
00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:54,080
which, yes, is not my style,
as you may have guessed
557
00:24:54,159 --> 00:24:56,679
from the fact that
I use words like "brouhaha."
558
00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:58,520
[audience laughing]
559
00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:01,280
But also, ultimately, I'm a coward, okay?
560
00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:02,399
And as a coward,
561
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:05,760
I can metabolize disrespect
very efficiently.
562
00:25:06,439 --> 00:25:08,159
She really struggles.
563
00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:11,880
We had one situation. I was doing shows
in Austin, Texas, in the States,
564
00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:15,199
and, uh, we went out after the show
to a sort of nightclub bar.
565
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:17,199
And we're in line for this nightclub.
566
00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:19,360
At the front of the line,
there is a bouncer.
567
00:25:19,439 --> 00:25:21,199
And he was an absolute unit.
568
00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:23,280
He looked like an Aberdeen Angus
in a suit.
569
00:25:23,360 --> 00:25:24,199
[audience laughs]
570
00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:27,640
He was a bit rude to my girlfriend,
but what do you expect? He's a bouncer.
571
00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:29,840
He has not been employed for his bonhomie.
572
00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:32,159
Anyway, she is instantly on at me.
573
00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:35,640
"Oh my God. Did you hear that?
He just disrespected me."
574
00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:38,560
"He has just disrespected
your girl, Jack."
575
00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:42,240
"You gonna let that happen? Gonna let him
disrespect your girl like that?"
576
00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:45,919
"Are you just gonna stand there, Jack,
and do nothing about it?"
577
00:25:46,679 --> 00:25:47,520
"Yep."
578
00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:49,080
[audience laughing]
579
00:25:49,159 --> 00:25:51,439
"Have you seen the head on the fucker?"
580
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:54,480
"I couldn't inflict any pain
upon this man."
581
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:57,840
"At a push,
I could maybe hurt his feelings."
582
00:25:57,919 --> 00:26:00,000
"But that is all I have in my locker."
583
00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:02,520
"I am but a humble wordsmith, Roxy."
584
00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:04,800
"And whilst I am a firm believer
of the idiom
585
00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:07,040
'The pen is mightier than the sword,'
586
00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:08,640
we're in America right now,
587
00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:10,720
and these cunts have guns."
588
00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:13,040
[audience laughing]
589
00:26:13,120 --> 00:26:14,040
[Jack chuckles]
590
00:26:15,199 --> 00:26:17,199
-[audience applauding]
-It's true.
591
00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:20,919
[audience cheering and applauding]
592
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:22,120
She was having none of it.
593
00:26:22,199 --> 00:26:25,159
All night, she kept going,
"Can't believe you let him dishonor me."
594
00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:27,320
That was the word
she kept using, "dishonor."
595
00:26:27,399 --> 00:26:30,080
"Yes, I let him dishonor you
because we were in line for a nightclub,
596
00:26:30,159 --> 00:26:31,720
not medieval France."
597
00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:33,000
[audience laughing]
598
00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:35,080
Maybe that's what I need to do
next time it happens.
599
00:26:35,159 --> 00:26:37,120
Next time that a bouncer "dishonors" her,
600
00:26:37,199 --> 00:26:39,880
I just need to go full costume drama
on his arse.
601
00:26:40,399 --> 00:26:42,960
Right. Next time a bouncer
is rude to her, okay,
602
00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:46,679
I am gonna stride up to the front
of the line at Wetherspoon's. Huh?
603
00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:47,880
[audience laughing]
604
00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:49,880
I'll whip off one of my socks,
605
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:52,080
slap him across the face,
606
00:26:52,159 --> 00:26:54,199
"I demand satisfaction!"
607
00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:58,120
"You have besmirched the honor
of this fine young maiden."
608
00:26:58,199 --> 00:27:02,399
"Well, today is the day you will be forced
to masticate upon your rancorous slurs,
609
00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:05,399
you protein-guzzling,
sausage-fingered chode!"
610
00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:09,320
"I summon you to the car park
immediately for fisticuffs!"
611
00:27:09,399 --> 00:27:12,320
"It's time to meet
your dancing partners for this evening,
612
00:27:12,399 --> 00:27:15,520
Lord Left-Hook and Lady Lights-Out."
613
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:18,720
"I float like a butterfly,
I sting like a bee."
614
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:22,439
"And I've got hips like Shakira,
'cause I regularly ski."
615
00:27:22,520 --> 00:27:24,320
[audience laughing]
616
00:27:24,399 --> 00:27:28,960
[audience cheering and applauding]
617
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:30,040
[Jack chuckles]
618
00:27:31,199 --> 00:27:33,520
You see, this is my problem.
I'm not a violent guy,
619
00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:37,280
but put a couple of drinks in me,
I just love me a little bit of mischief.
620
00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:40,080
Like, the other one I did,
I'm not proud of this.
621
00:27:40,159 --> 00:27:42,640
This was a couple of years ago
in my misspent youth.
622
00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:46,840
I was in Ibiza, the party island,
having a rave in one of the clubs, and…
623
00:27:46,919 --> 00:27:50,080
Yeah, let's just say
some drink had been taken. [chuckles]
624
00:27:50,159 --> 00:27:52,040
And possibly some additionals. [chuckles]
625
00:27:52,120 --> 00:27:53,000
[audience laughs]
626
00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:56,280
I was in Ibiza,
my jaw was on the mainland. Like…
627
00:27:56,360 --> 00:27:58,080
[Jack and audience laughing]
628
00:27:58,159 --> 00:27:59,480
Anyway, in this state,
629
00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:01,800
one of my friends dared me
630
00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:06,120
to undo a stranger's man bun.
631
00:28:06,199 --> 00:28:07,720
[surprised laughter]
632
00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:09,880
I was like, "Oh my God,
633
00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:12,720
that is a marvelous idea!"
634
00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:14,000
[audience laughs]
635
00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:18,399
"I shall be like a vigilante,
making the world a better place,
636
00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:21,159
ridding it of bell ends,
one man bun at a time."
637
00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:23,120
[audience laughing]
638
00:28:23,199 --> 00:28:26,080
I found my prey, right?
He was, like, a proper lad.
639
00:28:26,159 --> 00:28:30,640
He had the sleeve tattoos. Spray-on jeans.
That little fanny-pack across his chest.
640
00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:33,520
Top knot flapping around
like nobody's business.
641
00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:36,280
He looked like
a 'roided-up My Little Pony.
642
00:28:36,360 --> 00:28:37,720
"Fuckin' 'ell."
643
00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:39,080
[audience laughing]
644
00:28:39,159 --> 00:28:40,800
I stalked my prey for a bit. I was like,
645
00:28:40,880 --> 00:28:44,639
"Right. I reckon I can get
this man bun off without him realizing."
646
00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:45,720
Spoiler alert,
647
00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:46,959
you can't.
648
00:28:47,040 --> 00:28:48,399
[audience laughing]
649
00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:49,720
I creep up behind him.
650
00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:52,240
And then I'm sort of drunkenly hovering
above his head,
651
00:28:52,320 --> 00:28:54,399
like one of those claws in the fairground.
652
00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:58,240
At which point, I'm not gonna lie,
I sobered up very quickly.
653
00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:01,600
I managed to get hold of the man bun
without him realizing.
654
00:29:01,679 --> 00:29:04,600
Then as I popped it off,
he clocked what was going on.
655
00:29:04,679 --> 00:29:08,800
He turns around, furious,
hair tumbling down his face.
656
00:29:08,879 --> 00:29:11,679
He was like,
"Why the fuck did you do that?"
657
00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:13,800
I said, "Because you're worth it."
658
00:29:13,879 --> 00:29:17,439
[audience laughing]
659
00:29:20,040 --> 00:29:23,040
I definitely delivered that last line
just like that. [chuckles]
660
00:29:23,120 --> 00:29:24,800
There was a lot of music in the club,
661
00:29:24,879 --> 00:29:26,879
so he may have heard it
come out of my mouth as,
662
00:29:26,959 --> 00:29:29,159
[high-pitched] "I'm really sorry.
Here's your scrunchie."
663
00:29:29,240 --> 00:29:31,080
[audience laughing]
664
00:29:31,159 --> 00:29:32,080
[Jack chuckles]
665
00:29:34,280 --> 00:29:37,879
I feel like I may have fucked my hair
for the rest of this recording now.
666
00:29:37,959 --> 00:29:39,720
Oh God, no. Is that better?
667
00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:40,679
[audience laughs]
668
00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:43,840
Where was I? Oh, yes.
So, being silly. Foolish behavior.
669
00:29:43,919 --> 00:29:46,879
Honestly, what the fuck am I doing
showing off about that?
670
00:29:46,959 --> 00:29:51,240
That is not behavior becoming of a man
teetering on the precipice of middle age.
671
00:29:51,320 --> 00:29:54,600
Honestly, this feels like the last show
I'll be able to get away with that.
672
00:29:54,679 --> 00:29:57,360
Showing off about lame drunken hijinks.
673
00:29:57,439 --> 00:29:59,639
Because also, as many of you are aware,
674
00:29:59,720 --> 00:30:03,159
I am about to reach
the boss level of adulting,
675
00:30:03,240 --> 00:30:05,919
because my girlfriend is now pregnant.
676
00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:09,720
[audience cheering and applauding]
677
00:30:17,679 --> 00:30:18,720
It's not mine.
678
00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:20,439
[audience laughing]
679
00:30:20,520 --> 00:30:22,399
Now, this… this is a lovely picture.
680
00:30:22,480 --> 00:30:23,679
Yeah, thank you.
681
00:30:23,760 --> 00:30:26,639
It's cute. It's just a little candid snap
we took at home, you know?
682
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:30,040
Just, uh, for our family and friends
at Hello! magazine.
683
00:30:30,120 --> 00:30:31,040
And we-- No.
684
00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:32,000
[audience laughs]
685
00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:34,240
That's the picture she wanted to use. Uh…
686
00:30:34,320 --> 00:30:36,240
I thought this was
a more accurate reflection
687
00:30:36,320 --> 00:30:38,040
of my state of mind at the time.
688
00:30:38,879 --> 00:30:40,520
-[audience laughing]
-[Jack chuckles]
689
00:30:40,600 --> 00:30:44,120
Oh, come on. You'd look like that
if you'd just seen what I saw.
690
00:30:44,199 --> 00:30:46,639
Can you not see the likeness? Seriously?
691
00:30:46,720 --> 00:30:49,840
[audience laughing]
692
00:30:53,840 --> 00:30:56,080
No, it is my kid. That's the reality.
693
00:30:56,159 --> 00:30:58,480
And it's, it's, it's…
You know, it's happening.
694
00:30:58,560 --> 00:31:02,159
And it's crazy because, you know,
it's not like there's any trial period.
695
00:31:02,240 --> 00:31:04,439
There's no returns policy.
696
00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:07,639
You accidentally drop it in the bath,
you can't just put it in a jar of rice
697
00:31:07,720 --> 00:31:08,879
and cross your fingers.
698
00:31:08,959 --> 00:31:10,439
[audience laughing]
699
00:31:10,520 --> 00:31:12,360
And obviously, I tried to seek out advice
700
00:31:12,439 --> 00:31:14,520
before making
this monumental life decision.
701
00:31:14,600 --> 00:31:16,800
But so it's hard.
You can't ask other parents.
702
00:31:16,879 --> 00:31:19,959
You ask other parents about having a kid,
there is no middle ground.
703
00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:21,120
One end of the spectrum,
704
00:31:21,199 --> 00:31:24,399
you have those parents that talk about it
with demented enthusiasm.
705
00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:26,080
The miracle of childbirth,
706
00:31:26,159 --> 00:31:28,679
like they're the only people
to have ever done it.
707
00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:32,399
"Oh my God, you've got to get one.
It is gonna change your life."
708
00:31:32,919 --> 00:31:35,879
Like those fuckers with air fryers.
It's just a bit, "Okay."
709
00:31:35,959 --> 00:31:37,760
[audience laughing]
710
00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:39,320
The other end of the spectrum
711
00:31:39,399 --> 00:31:43,399
you've got those parents
that are like Vietnam War veterans.
712
00:31:43,919 --> 00:31:46,320
Thousand-yard stare. Covered in baby sick.
713
00:31:46,399 --> 00:31:49,120
"Don't do it, man. You weren't there!"
714
00:31:49,199 --> 00:31:50,480
[audience laughing]
715
00:31:50,560 --> 00:31:53,679
I had one of this lot, the 'Nam vets,
drunk at a wedding,
716
00:31:53,760 --> 00:31:57,320
just launch into me
with a load of uninvited life advice.
717
00:31:57,399 --> 00:32:02,360
She was like, "Let me tell you
what you need to do, Jack, while you can."
718
00:32:02,439 --> 00:32:05,360
"You need to make the most of your life,
719
00:32:05,439 --> 00:32:08,080
'cause I tell you
what is gonna happen, right,
720
00:32:08,159 --> 00:32:12,560
is you're gonna get married,
and then you're gonna have a baby,
721
00:32:12,639 --> 00:32:16,679
and your life is gonna be over."
722
00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:18,439
[audience laughing]
723
00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:20,399
"Okay, Mum. Thanks for the pep talk."
724
00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:23,360
[audience laughing]
725
00:32:23,439 --> 00:32:26,439
"You are aware this Sambuca
you're drinking is non-alcoholic?"
726
00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:28,399
[audience laughing]
727
00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:31,959
I managed to do what a lot of men do,
uh, in this situation.
728
00:32:32,560 --> 00:32:35,159
Delaying it, all right.
I-I-I got a dog first.
729
00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:37,199
That's what a lot of, uh, chaps do.
730
00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:41,120
We had actually, quite sadly, been through
some personal tragedy at the time,
731
00:32:41,199 --> 00:32:43,280
and it felt like
the only option at that point
732
00:32:43,360 --> 00:32:45,439
was either to go to therapy or get a dog.
733
00:32:45,520 --> 00:32:47,040
I was like, "Tell me about therapy."
734
00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:49,360
"Talking to a stranger for an hour
about my feelings?"
735
00:32:49,439 --> 00:32:51,159
"What breed shall we get?"
736
00:32:51,240 --> 00:32:52,320
[audience laughs]
737
00:32:52,399 --> 00:32:54,879
So she wanted a dog for emotional support.
738
00:32:54,959 --> 00:32:56,480
I wanted a guard dog.
739
00:32:56,560 --> 00:32:58,719
I wanted a proper hound.
740
00:32:58,800 --> 00:33:03,360
You know, the kind of dog you might see
tattooed onto the arm of a Millwall fan.
741
00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:07,120
Kinda dog that gets you
a little bit of distance and respect
742
00:33:07,199 --> 00:33:09,080
when you're walking
down the street with it
743
00:33:09,159 --> 00:33:10,919
on the way to the fuckin' boozer
744
00:33:11,000 --> 00:33:14,159
to have a couple of lagers
with the boys. Yeah.
745
00:33:15,280 --> 00:33:17,360
We compromised and got a toy poodle.
746
00:33:17,439 --> 00:33:19,520
[audience laughing]
747
00:33:19,600 --> 00:33:23,399
I wanted a hound. This thing looks like
it came out of a Kinder Surprise.
748
00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:27,679
It's the opposite of a guard dog.
I've been abused because of my dog.
749
00:33:27,760 --> 00:33:30,120
I was in a pub in Walthamstow
with my mates.
750
00:33:30,199 --> 00:33:32,439
Old geezer at the bar
looks over at me and my dog.
751
00:33:32,520 --> 00:33:35,719
He's like, "'Ere, mate,
does your dog come in a men's?"
752
00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:38,959
Ooh, fucking shots fired!
753
00:33:39,040 --> 00:33:41,560
I was like, "I wouldn't judge a book
by its cover, buddy."
754
00:33:41,639 --> 00:33:45,000
"You look at her the wrong way,
she will rip your throat out."
755
00:33:45,080 --> 00:33:48,600
"You'd better pray
she doesn't get out of this handbag."
756
00:33:48,679 --> 00:33:51,480
[audience laughing]
757
00:33:52,679 --> 00:33:53,520
[chuckles]
758
00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:57,560
We got the lamest breed. "It's fine.
We'll make up for it with the name."
759
00:33:57,639 --> 00:33:59,320
Know what she wanted
to call the toy poodle?
760
00:33:59,399 --> 00:34:01,959
My girlfriend
wanted to call our toy poodle
761
00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:03,000
Beyoncé.
762
00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:05,800
-[audience roaring with laughter]
-Absolutely not. No way.
763
00:34:05,879 --> 00:34:09,400
That's when the foot came down.
We're not having a dog called Beyoncé.
764
00:34:09,480 --> 00:34:12,480
I am not shouting that out in public.
765
00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:14,600
Can you imagine me in a park,
766
00:34:14,679 --> 00:34:19,319
a little toy poodle yapping around,
me being like, "Beyoncé! Hey, Beyoncé!"
767
00:34:19,400 --> 00:34:21,199
"You come back to your daddy!"
768
00:34:21,280 --> 00:34:24,480
No, I'm sorry.
I'd sooner let the dog just run away.
769
00:34:24,560 --> 00:34:26,440
I don't care
what my girlfriend has to say.
770
00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:28,760
"Oh my God, Jack,
what happened to the dog?"
771
00:34:28,839 --> 00:34:31,239
"If you liked it,
you should've put a lead on it."
772
00:34:31,319 --> 00:34:33,319
[audience laughing]
773
00:34:33,400 --> 00:34:35,280
[audience applauding]
774
00:34:35,360 --> 00:34:39,760
[audience cheering and applauding]
775
00:34:41,120 --> 00:34:42,880
She keeps calling me its daddy as well.
776
00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:44,719
I'm like, I'm not its daddy,
I'm its master.
777
00:34:44,799 --> 00:34:46,839
We will have standards in this house.
778
00:34:46,920 --> 00:34:51,000
She's like, "No, you should treat the dog
just like you'd treat our actual child."
779
00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:53,960
Straight on Google,
"Are there boarding schools for dogs?"
780
00:34:54,040 --> 00:34:56,560
[audience laughing]
781
00:34:56,639 --> 00:34:58,520
I caught her calling it a rescue dog.
782
00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:01,480
I was like, "It's not a rescue dog.
I paid a woman on the Internet for it."
783
00:35:01,560 --> 00:35:05,280
She's like, "No, but the dog rescued me."
That's not what rescue dog means.
784
00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:06,280
[audience laughs]
785
00:35:06,360 --> 00:35:10,560
This woman, the breeder.
Oh my God, she saw us coming a mile off.
786
00:35:10,640 --> 00:35:12,000
It was a lockdown dog.
787
00:35:12,080 --> 00:35:14,560
Do you know what she wanted
for the toy poodle?
788
00:35:14,640 --> 00:35:17,400
Five thousand pounds.
789
00:35:18,240 --> 00:35:20,839
I was like,
"Nice to meet a fellow comedian."
790
00:35:20,920 --> 00:35:22,160
[audience laughs]
791
00:35:22,240 --> 00:35:25,640
Absolutely no way
am I forking that out for a dog.
792
00:35:25,720 --> 00:35:28,920
You are getting negotiated down,
don't you worry about that.
793
00:35:29,000 --> 00:35:30,440
We had to meet the dog first.
794
00:35:30,520 --> 00:35:32,200
I'd been warned, don't do it in person,
795
00:35:32,280 --> 00:35:34,640
'cause you hold the dog,
feel the dog, smell the dog,
796
00:35:34,720 --> 00:35:37,640
you fall in love, you're fucked.
You hand the money over on the spot.
797
00:35:37,720 --> 00:35:39,799
I said, "We'll do a Zoom."
798
00:35:39,880 --> 00:35:42,799
Yes. Keep a little bit of distance.
799
00:35:42,880 --> 00:35:45,760
So we arranged a Zoom
so that Roxy could see the dog,
800
00:35:45,839 --> 00:35:47,400
and the woman that wanted five grand
801
00:35:47,480 --> 00:35:49,720
could see that
I don't have the word "twat" there.
802
00:35:49,799 --> 00:35:51,560
[audience laughing]
803
00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:53,200
And I prepped Roxy for this Zoom.
804
00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:56,799
I said, "It's vitally important
when we get onto Zoom with this charlatan,
805
00:35:56,880 --> 00:35:58,040
you don't act too keen."
806
00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:02,400
"Because if you act too keen, you will
compromise my negotiating position."
807
00:36:02,480 --> 00:36:06,760
"So we must wear our poker faces.
Cool, calm, collected."
808
00:36:06,839 --> 00:36:08,920
"Those are our bywords."
809
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:12,400
The Zoom starts, the breeder holds
this little puppy up to the camera.
810
00:36:12,480 --> 00:36:14,280
The puppy, achoo, sneezes.
811
00:36:14,360 --> 00:36:16,680
My girlfriend instantly starts crying.
812
00:36:16,760 --> 00:36:18,000
"Oh my God!"
813
00:36:18,080 --> 00:36:21,200
"It's the most beautiful creature
I've ever seen!"
814
00:36:21,280 --> 00:36:22,960
"I'm in love!"
815
00:36:23,040 --> 00:36:27,480
"Oh my God, Jack,
I'll kill myself if I can't have her!"
816
00:36:27,560 --> 00:36:29,160
[audience laughing]
817
00:36:29,240 --> 00:36:31,640
"Well done. Just as we'd rehearsed."
818
00:36:31,720 --> 00:36:35,000
"Thanks very much, Roxy,
for pulling down my trousers,
819
00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:38,520
lubing me up, and bending me
over the barrel for this woman."
820
00:36:38,600 --> 00:36:39,480
[audience laughs]
821
00:36:39,560 --> 00:36:41,319
Six thousand pounds.
822
00:36:41,400 --> 00:36:45,839
I paid six grand
for a barking toilet brush.
823
00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:48,480
[audience laughing]
824
00:36:48,560 --> 00:36:51,240
And a faulty one as well.
Yeah. I got sold a faulty dog.
825
00:36:51,319 --> 00:36:54,040
It's a beautiful creature,
don't get me wrong, but it is faulty.
826
00:36:54,120 --> 00:36:57,960
The breeder dropped it round a week later.
She's outside my house in her new Porsche.
827
00:36:58,040 --> 00:37:00,000
"Hi!" "Fuck you."
828
00:37:00,080 --> 00:37:01,040
[audience laughing]
829
00:37:01,120 --> 00:37:02,760
Hands me this dog, and it's faulty.
830
00:37:02,839 --> 00:37:06,000
It's got an underbite.
It's got breathing issues.
831
00:37:06,080 --> 00:37:07,640
Hasn't got enough nipples.
832
00:37:08,560 --> 00:37:09,480
[chuckles]
833
00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:11,080
Admittedly, "Hasn't got enough nipples"
834
00:37:11,160 --> 00:37:13,280
makes it sound like
there was a number I was hoping for.
835
00:37:13,359 --> 00:37:16,000
I don't care how many nipples a dog has,
836
00:37:16,080 --> 00:37:18,040
I just know
there shouldn't be seven of them.
837
00:37:18,640 --> 00:37:20,240
There should not be a prime number.
838
00:37:20,319 --> 00:37:23,400
There should be a divisible
amount of nipples on a dog.
839
00:37:23,480 --> 00:37:26,080
I was like, "Roxy, take a photograph
of this animal's undercarriage,
840
00:37:26,160 --> 00:37:27,200
send it to the breeder."
841
00:37:27,280 --> 00:37:28,600
"I want some money back."
842
00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:31,160
She was like, "Why would we get money back
for a missing nipple?"
843
00:37:31,240 --> 00:37:33,280
"I don't care. Make up a reason."
844
00:37:33,359 --> 00:37:37,120
"Say it's why we bought the dog
in the first place, for milking purposes."
845
00:37:37,200 --> 00:37:39,520
"We're trying
to wean ourselves off oat milk
846
00:37:39,600 --> 00:37:43,000
and we weren't getting enough of a yield
from the hamster. I don't care!"
847
00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:44,880
[audience laughing]
848
00:37:44,960 --> 00:37:47,799
'Cause I can't do anything either.
It's completely feral.
849
00:37:47,880 --> 00:37:50,440
For six grand, I was expecting it
to be able to do cartwheels
850
00:37:50,520 --> 00:37:52,240
and make me breakfast in bed.
851
00:37:52,319 --> 00:37:54,560
It can't sit or fetch or stay.
852
00:37:55,080 --> 00:37:57,000
Got its own Instagram account, though.
853
00:37:57,880 --> 00:38:01,200
She thought that was a priority,
to set it up as a dog influencer.
854
00:38:01,720 --> 00:38:04,280
Now my girlfriend runs
this preposterous account as the dog.
855
00:38:04,359 --> 00:38:08,040
She posts pictures as the dog.
She sends me messages as the dog.
856
00:38:08,560 --> 00:38:11,240
Yeah. Sometimes that's quite sweet,
sometimes less so.
857
00:38:11,319 --> 00:38:15,080
Especially when the tone of the messages
you are receiving from your own dog
858
00:38:15,160 --> 00:38:16,400
are a little bit spicy.
859
00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:17,480
[audience laughs]
860
00:38:17,560 --> 00:38:18,960
As was the case the other night.
861
00:38:19,040 --> 00:38:21,080
I was in the pub with my friends
watching football.
862
00:38:21,160 --> 00:38:25,520
All of a sudden, my DMs are getting lit up
by an angry poodle.
863
00:38:26,400 --> 00:38:28,680
"Do you think it's acceptable
to go out drinking
864
00:38:28,760 --> 00:38:30,720
and not tell me
what time you're coming home?"
865
00:38:30,799 --> 00:38:32,000
"Ooh, I don't know, Beyoncé."
866
00:38:32,080 --> 00:38:34,480
"No less acceptable
than shitting on the carpet."
867
00:38:34,560 --> 00:38:35,520
[audience laughing]
868
00:38:35,600 --> 00:38:37,400
I had to turn to my mates and be like,
869
00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:39,359
"I'm really sorry.
I think I have to go home
870
00:38:39,440 --> 00:38:41,600
because I'm getting grief from Beyoncé."
871
00:38:41,680 --> 00:38:43,080
I feel like Jay-Z,
872
00:38:43,160 --> 00:38:46,600
except I've got 99 problems
and my bitch very much is one of them.
873
00:38:46,680 --> 00:38:48,960
[audience laughing and applauding]
874
00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:53,640
[audience cheering and applauding]
875
00:38:55,520 --> 00:38:58,760
I got a kinky message from the dog
the other day as well by the way.
876
00:38:58,839 --> 00:39:00,960
By accident, I should hasten to add.
877
00:39:01,040 --> 00:39:04,799
What happened is I posted a picture
on my Instagram of me with my shirt off.
878
00:39:04,880 --> 00:39:06,960
My girlfriend went to put a sexy comment.
879
00:39:07,040 --> 00:39:10,560
Unfortunately, she had forgotten
to switch accounts. Yeah.
880
00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:11,920
Open up my Instagram,
881
00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:15,720
and underneath this picture of me
with my kit off, my dog had just put,
882
00:39:15,799 --> 00:39:17,440
"I wanna sit on your face."
883
00:39:17,520 --> 00:39:20,400
[audience laughing]
884
00:39:22,200 --> 00:39:23,440
[chuckles] Don't get me wrong.
885
00:39:23,520 --> 00:39:26,400
Part of me was like,
"Thank fuck someone's taught you to sit."
886
00:39:26,480 --> 00:39:28,960
[audience laughing]
887
00:39:30,240 --> 00:39:33,120
It does work, though,
this step of getting the dog first.
888
00:39:33,200 --> 00:39:36,040
Honestly. I was not a dog person at all,
and now I love this thing.
889
00:39:36,120 --> 00:39:38,839
And I'm like, "Bloody hell.
If I'm capable of loving and caring
890
00:39:38,920 --> 00:39:42,520
for this yapping, crapping,
nipple-deficient ball of fluff,
891
00:39:43,040 --> 00:39:44,760
maybe I am ready for the next stage."
892
00:39:44,839 --> 00:39:47,640
So, yeah, then we decided
we were gonna try and have a baby.
893
00:39:47,720 --> 00:39:51,240
That was not the easiest of journeys.
We had a few bumps along the way.
894
00:39:51,319 --> 00:39:54,640
I, uh… I don't want to give you
the Instagram-filtered version of my life.
895
00:39:54,720 --> 00:39:56,200
We actually lost a baby first.
896
00:39:56,280 --> 00:39:57,560
We suffered a miscarriage,
897
00:39:57,640 --> 00:40:00,080
which is a horrible thing
for anyone to go through.
898
00:40:00,160 --> 00:40:04,520
I mention it because it's this weird grief
that is sort of shrouded in secrecy.
899
00:40:04,600 --> 00:40:05,839
I didn't talk about it for ages.
900
00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:08,600
As soon as I was comfortable
sharing it with friends and family
901
00:40:08,680 --> 00:40:11,480
and realizing that other people
had had similar experiences,
902
00:40:11,560 --> 00:40:12,960
it was a huge comfort to me.
903
00:40:13,520 --> 00:40:16,720
And my girlfriend was so strong
throughout all of it.
904
00:40:16,799 --> 00:40:19,920
I'm completely in awe of her.
See, she was so resilient.
905
00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:23,799
She was amazing,
and it completely recalibrated my mindset.
906
00:40:23,880 --> 00:40:28,880
I went from being scared, bewildered,
ambivalent about the idea of having a kid,
907
00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:32,520
to suddenly wanting to be a dad
more than anything else in the world.
908
00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:37,080
[audience cheering and applauding]
909
00:40:37,160 --> 00:40:38,120
Thank you.
910
00:40:44,520 --> 00:40:47,839
I felt guilty as well. I felt guilty
that it had taken me this long
911
00:40:47,920 --> 00:40:51,720
to arrive at a place where I genuinely
feel excited to be settling down.
912
00:40:51,799 --> 00:40:53,400
I dragged my heels.
913
00:40:53,480 --> 00:40:57,359
The latter part of my twenties was
a period of sort of feckless misadventure.
914
00:40:57,440 --> 00:40:58,880
I was chasing pleasure.
915
00:40:58,960 --> 00:41:01,920
And in my thirties,
it was like happiness crept up on me.
916
00:41:02,000 --> 00:41:04,280
I was also really keen
to get on with it now,
917
00:41:04,359 --> 00:41:05,760
especially with my dad.
918
00:41:05,839 --> 00:41:07,520
I really wanted to get on with it
919
00:41:07,600 --> 00:41:10,280
so that I could still
give him a grandchild
920
00:41:10,359 --> 00:41:12,240
out of wedlock, just to fuck him off.
921
00:41:12,319 --> 00:41:15,040
[audience laughing and applauding]
922
00:41:15,120 --> 00:41:17,760
I know that's not the only reason
to have a kid,
923
00:41:17,839 --> 00:41:20,400
but it's got to be a bonus
to wind up the old man.
924
00:41:20,480 --> 00:41:24,319
Also, even better,
Roxy is from the East End of London.
925
00:41:24,400 --> 00:41:26,280
How incredible is that?
926
00:41:26,359 --> 00:41:28,720
Michael Whitehall
is gonna be the grandfather
927
00:41:28,799 --> 00:41:30,520
to a literal Cockney bastard.
928
00:41:30,600 --> 00:41:33,359
[audience laughing]
929
00:41:36,120 --> 00:41:37,920
Got the due date the other day.
That was weird.
930
00:41:38,000 --> 00:41:41,720
We went in and had the first scan,
and I saw baby for the first time.
931
00:41:41,799 --> 00:41:45,200
Eyes and nose, its heartbeat,
the little silver spoon in its mouth.
932
00:41:45,280 --> 00:41:46,839
[audience laughing]
933
00:41:46,920 --> 00:41:49,280
I asked about the due date,
and the nurse got all shifty.
934
00:41:49,359 --> 00:41:52,080
She was like, "Yes, so baby's due date
is gonna be sometime
935
00:41:52,160 --> 00:41:54,040
between the 10th of September
936
00:41:54,120 --> 00:41:56,000
and the 12th of September."
937
00:41:56,520 --> 00:41:59,760
I went, "It feels like there's a date
slap bang in the middle there
938
00:41:59,839 --> 00:42:01,760
that for some reason
you don't want to say."
939
00:42:01,839 --> 00:42:04,920
That is because
my baby's due date is 9/11.
940
00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:07,040
[audience laughing]
941
00:42:07,120 --> 00:42:09,839
Roxy was very upset about that.
I was a little bit more pragmatic.
942
00:42:09,920 --> 00:42:13,040
I was like, "I don't think it's going
to affect our lives in any serious way."
943
00:42:13,120 --> 00:42:16,359
I mean, it probably rules out
the name Osama, but…
944
00:42:16,440 --> 00:42:19,200
-[audience laughing]
-…it wasn't high on the list.
945
00:42:19,280 --> 00:42:22,440
"This is little Osama bin Whitehall.
It's a family name."
946
00:42:22,520 --> 00:42:24,960
[audience laughing]
947
00:42:25,040 --> 00:42:28,080
If you're pulling back from me
on that comment,
948
00:42:28,160 --> 00:42:31,240
you do not want to hear
what my dad said when I told him.
949
00:42:31,319 --> 00:42:34,600
I came out of the scan.
Roxy was still quite distressed.
950
00:42:34,680 --> 00:42:38,040
I called my dad up, I said,
"Right, there's good news and bad news."
951
00:42:38,120 --> 00:42:39,960
"Uh, good news, the baby's healthy."
952
00:42:40,040 --> 00:42:42,720
"Bad news, it does look like
the due date is 9/11."
953
00:42:42,799 --> 00:42:45,440
And he went,
"Well, I guess it could be worse."
954
00:42:45,520 --> 00:42:47,200
"You could be having twins."
955
00:42:47,280 --> 00:42:49,600
-[audience] Oh!
-No. No.
956
00:42:49,680 --> 00:42:51,359
[surprised laughter]
957
00:42:51,440 --> 00:42:53,799
[audience applauding]
958
00:42:53,880 --> 00:42:57,319
"No, Michael, please."
959
00:42:57,400 --> 00:42:59,680
"I will not be telling Roxy that."
960
00:43:00,200 --> 00:43:03,319
"Though I may write it down
to tell people on a Netflix special
961
00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:04,880
at some point in the future."
962
00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:05,960
[audience laughs]
963
00:43:07,880 --> 00:43:09,400
At the moment, most of my life
964
00:43:09,480 --> 00:43:12,600
is spent killing
inappropriate name suggestions of hers.
965
00:43:12,680 --> 00:43:17,600
The other day, she came into the bedroom.
"I was thinking, if it's a girl, Phoenix."
966
00:43:17,680 --> 00:43:19,560
I was thinking, "No fucking way."
967
00:43:19,640 --> 00:43:20,480
[audience laughs]
968
00:43:20,560 --> 00:43:22,520
She's like, "Why? Phoenix is a cute name."
969
00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:24,560
I was like, "Phoenix is a stripper name."
970
00:43:24,640 --> 00:43:26,120
She went, "How would you know?"
971
00:43:26,200 --> 00:43:27,960
"Dunno. Never been
to a strip club in my life,
972
00:43:28,040 --> 00:43:31,200
but I imagine that's the kind of name
a stripper might be called."
973
00:43:31,280 --> 00:43:33,520
"Maybe we should do some due diligence.
Google it."
974
00:43:33,600 --> 00:43:37,040
She was like, "Google what?"
"Type in, 'Top ten stripper names.'"
975
00:43:37,120 --> 00:43:38,560
So we had this weird moment.
976
00:43:38,640 --> 00:43:39,920
We're there with the baby books,
977
00:43:40,000 --> 00:43:42,680
and I'm on Google
typing in the top ten stripper names.
978
00:43:42,760 --> 00:43:45,319
Know what? There is a website
with the top ten stripper names,
979
00:43:45,400 --> 00:43:47,359
and to be fair to her,
Phoenix is not on it.
980
00:43:47,440 --> 00:43:49,560
But do you know what number one is?
981
00:43:49,640 --> 00:43:50,839
Roxy.
982
00:43:50,920 --> 00:43:54,440
[audience roaring with laughter]
983
00:43:54,520 --> 00:43:56,520
[Jack laughing]
984
00:43:58,000 --> 00:44:00,560
We could keep
with the family tradition. [chuckles]
985
00:44:00,640 --> 00:44:02,280
[audience laughing]
986
00:44:02,359 --> 00:44:04,960
We had six months
before we started trying for a baby
987
00:44:05,040 --> 00:44:06,680
to get everything out of our system.
988
00:44:06,760 --> 00:44:10,040
I wanna do all the fun,
impromptu, sort of reckless things
989
00:44:10,120 --> 00:44:12,240
that we're not gonna be able to do
once we've got a kid.
990
00:44:12,319 --> 00:44:16,760
She was like, "Yes!
Like drive Route 66 or go on a safari."
991
00:44:16,839 --> 00:44:19,280
I was thinking more like
smoke crystal meth just once,
992
00:44:19,359 --> 00:44:21,839
just to see what all the fuss is about.
993
00:44:21,920 --> 00:44:23,520
Heard it's very moreish. I, uh…
994
00:44:23,600 --> 00:44:24,480
[audience laughs]
995
00:44:24,560 --> 00:44:27,920
I gave in on the safari. She's been
dreaming of doing one for yonks.
996
00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:31,040
I could think of nothing worse,
'cause as we've already established,
997
00:44:31,120 --> 00:44:32,280
I am a massive pussy.
998
00:44:32,359 --> 00:44:33,520
-And…
-[audience laughs]
999
00:44:33,600 --> 00:44:36,200
I said, "We'll do it,
but on my terms, all right?"
1000
00:44:36,280 --> 00:44:39,160
I'm having to fork out
for the top-of-the-range safari.
1001
00:44:39,240 --> 00:44:42,359
There are certain things in life
I will penny-pinch on. That is not one.
1002
00:44:42,440 --> 00:44:46,839
If I'm on their turf, I'm gonna need
the state-of-the-art armored 4x4.
1003
00:44:46,920 --> 00:44:50,000
I'm gonna need the park ranger
that looks like The Rock.
1004
00:44:50,760 --> 00:44:52,280
'Cause you can do it on the cheap.
1005
00:44:52,359 --> 00:44:55,120
"Oh look, that guy over there
is offering it for half price."
1006
00:44:55,200 --> 00:44:57,120
"You mean that man with the rickshaw
1007
00:44:57,200 --> 00:45:00,319
and the left leg
that somewhat peters out at the knee?"
1008
00:45:00,400 --> 00:45:02,319
"Yeah, he's offering it for half-price
1009
00:45:02,400 --> 00:45:05,200
'cause he only has to take you
into the Serengeti."
1010
00:45:05,280 --> 00:45:08,319
"That is not a safari.
That is Deliveroo for lions."
1011
00:45:08,400 --> 00:45:11,319
[audience laughing]
1012
00:45:11,400 --> 00:45:13,799
You're not given anything
to defend yourself. That was a shock.
1013
00:45:13,879 --> 00:45:15,080
Thought I'd get a knife or gun.
1014
00:45:15,160 --> 00:45:18,600
The only thing they gave me
to defend myself from lions,
1015
00:45:18,680 --> 00:45:22,200
on morning one,
they handed me an air horn.
1016
00:45:22,280 --> 00:45:24,440
A little pump-up air horn.
1017
00:45:24,520 --> 00:45:26,720
I was like,
"What the fuck is this gonna do?"
1018
00:45:26,799 --> 00:45:29,319
-[audience laughing]
-"I'm getting mauled to death by a lion,
1019
00:45:29,400 --> 00:45:33,520
I'm meant to whip out my air horn,
give that a little toot-toot, then what?"
1020
00:45:33,600 --> 00:45:35,960
"Presumably alert other lions
in the area?"
1021
00:45:36,040 --> 00:45:38,120
"Dinner's about to be served!"
1022
00:45:38,920 --> 00:45:41,520
All of the advice they give you,
complete bollocks.
1023
00:45:41,600 --> 00:45:44,400
'Cause I wanted to know about
every single eventuality.
1024
00:45:44,480 --> 00:45:47,680
I said, "Right, what do I do
if an elephant charges me?"
1025
00:45:47,760 --> 00:45:50,520
Do you know what they said?
"If an elephant charges you,
1026
00:45:50,600 --> 00:45:53,000
you should run up a tree."
1027
00:45:53,080 --> 00:45:54,440
[audience laughs]
1028
00:45:54,520 --> 00:45:56,960
"I'm not a fucking squirrel."
1029
00:45:57,040 --> 00:45:58,280
[audience laughs]
1030
00:45:58,359 --> 00:46:01,760
"I could maybe climb a tree
if you gave me 20 minutes, a leg-up,
1031
00:46:01,839 --> 00:46:04,480
and an elephant charging me with a limp."
1032
00:46:04,560 --> 00:46:06,720
"But I'm not climbing these trees
any time soon,
1033
00:46:06,799 --> 00:46:09,640
because I don't know if you've noticed,
none of them have got any branches
1034
00:46:09,720 --> 00:46:12,000
because the elephants
have fucking eaten them all!"
1035
00:46:12,080 --> 00:46:13,960
[audience laughing]
1036
00:46:14,040 --> 00:46:17,160
You don't pick who you're in the car with.
They leave that out of the brochure.
1037
00:46:17,240 --> 00:46:19,960
Yeah. That is a big issue.
Two of us on our safari.
1038
00:46:20,040 --> 00:46:22,920
The vehicle had six seats.
You do the math.
1039
00:46:23,000 --> 00:46:25,120
That meant,
for the duration of our safari,
1040
00:46:25,200 --> 00:46:27,799
as it turned out,
we were to be sharing our car
1041
00:46:27,879 --> 00:46:29,920
with a family of four
1042
00:46:30,600 --> 00:46:31,640
from Florida.
1043
00:46:31,720 --> 00:46:33,600
[hesitant laughter]
1044
00:46:33,680 --> 00:46:35,319
My reaction exactly.
1045
00:46:35,400 --> 00:46:36,520
[audience laughs]
1046
00:46:36,600 --> 00:46:40,680
Now these Floridians…? What's the word
they have for people from Florida?
1047
00:46:40,760 --> 00:46:42,600
Bigots. These bigots. They, uh…
1048
00:46:42,680 --> 00:46:44,520
[audience laughing]
1049
00:46:44,600 --> 00:46:46,240
I need to describe their appearance.
1050
00:46:46,319 --> 00:46:49,040
It's important that I do.
I'm not saying this to be crass,
1051
00:46:49,120 --> 00:46:52,640
but they did have rather an abundance
of junk in the proverbial trunk.
1052
00:46:53,520 --> 00:46:55,400
I'm not saying that to have a pop.
You do you.
1053
00:46:55,480 --> 00:46:57,760
Big is beautiful. Body positivity.
1054
00:46:57,839 --> 00:47:01,200
I do not have prejudice against anyone
for their size.
1055
00:47:02,799 --> 00:47:03,839
Unless
1056
00:47:04,640 --> 00:47:06,799
I am stuck in a car with you
1057
00:47:06,879 --> 00:47:09,760
surrounded by hungry lions.
1058
00:47:09,839 --> 00:47:10,720
[audience laughs]
1059
00:47:10,799 --> 00:47:14,120
At that point, yep,
I become a little bit judgy.
1060
00:47:14,200 --> 00:47:16,600
It turned what should've been
a pleasant holiday
1061
00:47:16,680 --> 00:47:18,160
into a white-knuckle ride.
1062
00:47:18,240 --> 00:47:21,359
Every day, trundling around the Serengeti
1063
00:47:21,440 --> 00:47:25,359
sat next to a man that was essentially
a doner kebab in a MAGA cap.
1064
00:47:25,440 --> 00:47:26,440
[audience laughs]
1065
00:47:26,520 --> 00:47:28,240
Every time I went past a lion,
1066
00:47:28,319 --> 00:47:31,080
I'd see its head crane round,
licking its lips.
1067
00:47:31,160 --> 00:47:33,839
Eye-banging the all-you-can-eat buffet
on wheels.
1068
00:47:33,920 --> 00:47:36,240
I felt like sushi on a conveyor belt.
1069
00:47:37,040 --> 00:47:39,920
Roxy kept trying to put me at ease.
"Jack, don't worry."
1070
00:47:40,000 --> 00:47:41,400
"If the lions did attack us,
1071
00:47:41,480 --> 00:47:44,280
they would probably fill up
on the Floridians first."
1072
00:47:44,359 --> 00:47:46,040
"They wouldn't have room for us."
1073
00:47:46,120 --> 00:47:48,879
I was like,
"What if we're the amuse-bouche?"
1074
00:47:49,560 --> 00:47:51,960
"You've made the assumption
that we're pudding."
1075
00:47:52,040 --> 00:47:53,760
"You of all people should know
1076
00:47:53,839 --> 00:47:56,879
you do not contain enough sugar
to be a dessert!"
1077
00:47:56,960 --> 00:47:59,799
[audience laughing]
1078
00:47:59,879 --> 00:48:02,080
Morning two, I shit you not,
1079
00:48:02,160 --> 00:48:05,319
the Floridians' wife
came down for breakfast,
1080
00:48:05,400 --> 00:48:07,440
of a safari,
1081
00:48:07,520 --> 00:48:10,799
she was wearing a zebra-print shirt.
1082
00:48:10,879 --> 00:48:12,120
"Hi!"
1083
00:48:12,200 --> 00:48:14,720
I was like, "Absolutely not. No way."
1084
00:48:14,799 --> 00:48:16,040
"Try again. Shoo."
1085
00:48:16,120 --> 00:48:18,200
I had to air-horn her back into her tent
1086
00:48:18,960 --> 00:48:21,280
to change into something more appropriate.
1087
00:48:21,359 --> 00:48:22,920
We were on a safari.
1088
00:48:23,000 --> 00:48:24,839
She came dressed as prey.
1089
00:48:24,920 --> 00:48:26,080
[audience laughing]
1090
00:48:26,160 --> 00:48:28,560
I was so worried
about attracting the animals,
1091
00:48:28,640 --> 00:48:31,839
I didn't even spray myself
with Lynx Africa that morning.
1092
00:48:31,920 --> 00:48:34,000
[audience laughing]
1093
00:48:34,879 --> 00:48:37,240
That was the other thing
I kept thinking on safari.
1094
00:48:37,319 --> 00:48:40,000
This is a bit of a distraction,
but every day, I was like,
1095
00:48:40,080 --> 00:48:43,120
"How on earth is the zebra not extinct?"
1096
00:48:43,200 --> 00:48:46,200
What the fuck was God smoking
when he came up with them?
1097
00:48:46,879 --> 00:48:49,120
I know he did the world in seven days.
1098
00:48:49,200 --> 00:48:53,359
The zebra must've been done
at about 5:55 on the Friday afternoon.
1099
00:48:53,879 --> 00:48:55,480
"Right, we're down to Z."
1100
00:48:55,560 --> 00:48:59,160
"Let's crack through this one quickly,
and we can all fuck off down the pub."
1101
00:48:59,240 --> 00:49:04,120
"Zebra, you are gonna be like a fat,
slightly slower version of a horse,
1102
00:49:04,200 --> 00:49:07,480
and we'll put you over there in Africa
1103
00:49:07,560 --> 00:49:10,080
with all of the deadliest predators
on the planet."
1104
00:49:10,640 --> 00:49:11,680
"Any questions?"
1105
00:49:11,760 --> 00:49:13,760
"Uh, yeah, just a few." [chuckles]
1106
00:49:13,839 --> 00:49:17,160
"If I'm gonna be out there
with all of those mean motherfuckers,
1107
00:49:17,240 --> 00:49:20,319
then I'm probably
going to need to blend in."
1108
00:49:20,920 --> 00:49:23,480
"So could I have some camouflage?"
1109
00:49:24,240 --> 00:49:27,480
"Well, we were thinking
black and white stripes."
1110
00:49:28,280 --> 00:49:30,319
"Very slimming."
1111
00:49:30,400 --> 00:49:31,440
[audience laughs]
1112
00:49:31,520 --> 00:49:34,560
"Black and white stripes?
Have you seen the landscape here, mate?"
1113
00:49:34,640 --> 00:49:36,080
"Everything's beige."
1114
00:49:36,160 --> 00:49:38,520
"I'm not working in a Foot Locker."
1115
00:49:38,600 --> 00:49:39,960
[audience laughs]
1116
00:49:40,040 --> 00:49:41,879
"All the other animals,
if they wanna hide,
1117
00:49:41,960 --> 00:49:43,600
they go into a bush or up a tree."
1118
00:49:43,680 --> 00:49:48,640
"My only chance of subterfuge
is getting tickets to Newcastle-Juventus."
1119
00:49:48,720 --> 00:49:49,839
[audience laughs]
1120
00:49:49,920 --> 00:49:52,440
"Fine. If I'm gonna be out there
dressed like a twat,
1121
00:49:52,520 --> 00:49:54,280
I need something to defend myself."
1122
00:49:54,359 --> 00:49:56,359
"A lot of the other prey,
all of them in fact,
1123
00:49:56,440 --> 00:49:57,799
have got big tusks
1124
00:49:57,879 --> 00:50:01,560
or vicious-looking horns,
antlers coming out of their heads."
1125
00:50:01,640 --> 00:50:03,319
"What were you thinking for me?"
1126
00:50:04,319 --> 00:50:05,280
"Mohican?"
1127
00:50:05,359 --> 00:50:07,280
[audience laughing]
1128
00:50:07,359 --> 00:50:11,160
"So no weapon, just a really loud haircut?
Thank you very much."
1129
00:50:11,240 --> 00:50:15,040
"That's me, is it? Stuck in the middle
of a primordial feeding frenzy,
1130
00:50:15,120 --> 00:50:17,520
looking like a lesbian barcode?"
1131
00:50:17,600 --> 00:50:19,600
[audience laughing]
1132
00:50:19,680 --> 00:50:22,640
[audience applauding]
1133
00:50:22,720 --> 00:50:25,319
Sorry, that was a bit of an aside.
I… [chuckles]
1134
00:50:25,399 --> 00:50:29,520
I'm not done with the Floridians yet.
The other issue was the levels of chat.
1135
00:50:29,600 --> 00:50:31,879
Every day, she'd be
waiting for me in the car.
1136
00:50:31,960 --> 00:50:36,080
She was like, "So, what does everyone
wanna see most on this safari?"
1137
00:50:36,600 --> 00:50:39,000
Her husband was like,
"I'd like to see a tiger."
1138
00:50:39,080 --> 00:50:41,359
Good luck, mate.
You're on the wrong fucking continent.
1139
00:50:41,440 --> 00:50:44,160
[audience laughing]
1140
00:50:46,839 --> 00:50:49,839
Honestly, in the end, the only way
I could get through the week
1141
00:50:49,920 --> 00:50:53,680
was by winding the Floridians up
that the lions were gay. [laughs]
1142
00:50:53,760 --> 00:50:54,920
[audience laughing]
1143
00:50:55,000 --> 00:50:58,280
He did not like that chat at all. [laughs]
1144
00:50:58,359 --> 00:51:01,080
He was like, "What in the world
are you talking about, son?"
1145
00:51:01,160 --> 00:51:04,120
"I don't know what they're teaching you
in schools in 'Engerland,' buddy,
1146
00:51:04,200 --> 00:51:06,160
but that does not happen in nature."
1147
00:51:06,240 --> 00:51:09,399
"You do not get gay lions."
1148
00:51:09,480 --> 00:51:11,839
"Why do you think they call them prides?"
1149
00:51:11,920 --> 00:51:13,280
"Okay. Okay. Okay."
1150
00:51:13,359 --> 00:51:15,799
-[audience laughing]
-[Jack chuckles]
1151
00:51:17,120 --> 00:51:18,480
"It's not natural."
1152
00:51:18,560 --> 00:51:21,359
That's what they say,
right-wing fundamentalist Christians.
1153
00:51:21,440 --> 00:51:24,560
Remember when they announced
the live-action Beauty and the Beast,
1154
00:51:24,640 --> 00:51:28,200
and they said
there was gonna be a gay character?
1155
00:51:28,280 --> 00:51:30,879
Ooh, the right-wing
fundamentalist Christians weren't happy.
1156
00:51:30,960 --> 00:51:35,160
"You can't have that in a Disney movie,
a man loving another man."
1157
00:51:35,240 --> 00:51:36,760
"It's not natural."
1158
00:51:37,280 --> 00:51:38,520
Not natural?
1159
00:51:38,600 --> 00:51:41,960
That film is about a woman
fucking a wildebeest.
1160
00:51:42,040 --> 00:51:45,480
[audience laughing]
1161
00:51:45,560 --> 00:51:46,680
[Jack chuckles]
1162
00:51:46,760 --> 00:51:51,080
To be fair, I don't think I've taken that
directly from the Disney Plus description.
1163
00:51:51,160 --> 00:51:52,440
[audience laughs]
1164
00:51:52,520 --> 00:51:53,799
That's got to stop, hasn't it?
1165
00:51:53,879 --> 00:51:55,960
Grown adults
getting wound up about cartoons.
1166
00:51:56,040 --> 00:51:58,640
It just happened
with the live-action Little Mermaid.
1167
00:51:58,720 --> 00:52:01,200
They announced the actress
playing Ariel is mixed-race.
1168
00:52:01,280 --> 00:52:03,120
Oh, racist Twitter wasn't happy.
1169
00:52:03,200 --> 00:52:07,160
"You can't have that.
You can't have a mixed-race Ariel."
1170
00:52:08,120 --> 00:52:09,359
She's a mermaid.
1171
00:52:10,120 --> 00:52:13,640
She is the most mixed-race character
that has ever been conceived.
1172
00:52:14,240 --> 00:52:16,520
From the waist down, she's mixed grill.
1173
00:52:16,600 --> 00:52:18,960
[audience laughing]
1174
00:52:19,040 --> 00:52:19,920
That wasn't the worst.
1175
00:52:20,000 --> 00:52:22,000
The worst was a tweet,
it had thousands of retweets,
1176
00:52:22,080 --> 00:52:25,120
some racist troll
that was trying to play the science card.
1177
00:52:25,200 --> 00:52:27,200
How desperately sad are you
1178
00:52:27,280 --> 00:52:30,200
that you're trying to bring science
into this discussion?
1179
00:52:30,280 --> 00:52:33,920
He was like, "It's not even
scientifically possible, right,
1180
00:52:34,000 --> 00:52:39,319
'cause how-- how would enough sunlight
get down to the bottom of the ocean
1181
00:52:39,399 --> 00:52:43,440
for the Little Mermaid's skin
to produce the melanin?"
1182
00:52:43,520 --> 00:52:47,480
"Ooh, I don't know.
Why don't we ask the talking crab?"
1183
00:52:47,560 --> 00:52:48,560
[audience laughing]
1184
00:52:48,640 --> 00:52:50,760
"Do you wanna have a word with him?"
1185
00:52:50,839 --> 00:52:53,120
"Although I don't think
you two will get along,
1186
00:52:53,200 --> 00:52:55,240
'cause he appears to be a Rastafarian."
1187
00:52:55,319 --> 00:52:58,319
[audience laughing]
1188
00:53:00,640 --> 00:53:02,200
It's make-believe!
1189
00:53:02,720 --> 00:53:04,240
Who fucking cares?
1190
00:53:04,760 --> 00:53:08,080
I guess the only thing they should've
updated is the ending, right?
1191
00:53:08,160 --> 00:53:10,680
If Ariel is mixed-race,
it probably can't be happily ever after.
1192
00:53:10,760 --> 00:53:12,839
If Ariel is mixed-race,
she's got to marry the prince,
1193
00:53:12,920 --> 00:53:16,399
get harangued by the British press,
and run away to do a Netflix documentary.
1194
00:53:16,480 --> 00:53:17,799
[surprised laughter]
1195
00:53:17,879 --> 00:53:22,680
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-[Jack chuckling]
1196
00:53:26,520 --> 00:53:29,240
Well, I wasn't gonna go there,
but since we have, I…
1197
00:53:29,799 --> 00:53:32,680
Just my personal interest. Give me a cheer
if you're Team Meghan and Harry.
1198
00:53:32,760 --> 00:53:34,600
[audience cheers]
1199
00:53:34,680 --> 00:53:37,040
Give me a cheer
if you're Team Royal Family?
1200
00:53:37,120 --> 00:53:38,680
[audience cheers louder]
1201
00:53:38,760 --> 00:53:41,280
Give me a cheer
if you're Team Couldn't Give A Fuck?
1202
00:53:41,359 --> 00:53:44,319
[audience cheering loudest]
1203
00:53:44,399 --> 00:53:45,879
I'm very much in your camp.
1204
00:53:45,960 --> 00:53:46,879
[audience laughs]
1205
00:53:46,960 --> 00:53:50,040
I feel a bit sorry for them,
but, then again, at the end of the day,
1206
00:53:50,120 --> 00:53:54,240
to take Netflix's money to do a show
where you just humiliate your family…
1207
00:53:54,319 --> 00:53:57,160
[audience laughing]
1208
00:53:57,240 --> 00:53:58,560
[Jack chuckling]
1209
00:54:00,160 --> 00:54:03,000
I like seeing more representation
in all walks of life. I do.
1210
00:54:03,080 --> 00:54:05,920
Honestly, I saw a lovely article recently,
groundbreaking news,
1211
00:54:06,000 --> 00:54:09,399
Marvel had announced
their first-ever trans superhero.
1212
00:54:09,480 --> 00:54:10,920
I thought, that's lovely.
1213
00:54:11,000 --> 00:54:13,560
The only person I felt a little sorry for
when I read that article
1214
00:54:13,640 --> 00:54:15,799
was the guy
that came up with Transformers.
1215
00:54:15,879 --> 00:54:17,240
[audience laughs]
1216
00:54:17,319 --> 00:54:20,560
Come on. A superhero that's a woman
that used to be a man? Great.
1217
00:54:20,640 --> 00:54:21,640
But groundbreaking?
1218
00:54:21,720 --> 00:54:23,560
Optimus Prime used to be a truck.
1219
00:54:23,640 --> 00:54:25,240
[audience laughing]
1220
00:54:25,319 --> 00:54:29,399
Just saying, wait till those transformers
start getting involved in women's sport.
1221
00:54:29,480 --> 00:54:32,440
-You think Piers Morgan's annoyed now…
-[audience laughs]
1222
00:54:32,520 --> 00:54:35,040
…that in the women's swimming,
the athlete in lane three
1223
00:54:35,120 --> 00:54:38,319
has an unfair advantage
'cause she was biologically born a man?
1224
00:54:38,399 --> 00:54:40,280
Wait till he finds out
the athlete in lane six
1225
00:54:40,359 --> 00:54:42,120
was biologically born a submarine.
1226
00:54:42,200 --> 00:54:45,160
[audience laughing]
1227
00:54:45,240 --> 00:54:47,080
But that is indicative
of this wider problem
1228
00:54:47,160 --> 00:54:49,879
where everyone has to have an opinion
about everything these days.
1229
00:54:49,960 --> 00:54:51,879
I always used to like
what my grandmother said.
1230
00:54:51,960 --> 00:54:55,799
My grandmother always used to say,
"Opinions are like farts."
1231
00:54:55,879 --> 00:54:57,319
"It's best to hold them in,
1232
00:54:57,399 --> 00:54:59,879
because no one's gonna appreciate them
as much as you."
1233
00:54:59,960 --> 00:55:02,240
[audience laughing]
1234
00:55:02,319 --> 00:55:03,879
I think there's wisdom to that.
1235
00:55:03,960 --> 00:55:05,960
I think we've been conditioned
to be like this
1236
00:55:06,040 --> 00:55:09,399
'cause we're asked for our opinion
all the time, far too much if you ask me.
1237
00:55:09,480 --> 00:55:11,879
We've got Yelp, TripAdvisor,
Uber, and Amazon.
1238
00:55:11,960 --> 00:55:13,280
Every time you go into a shop,
1239
00:55:13,359 --> 00:55:15,720
"Fill in this questionnaire.
Give us your feedback."
1240
00:55:15,799 --> 00:55:18,160
You walk out of the toilet now
in the airport,
1241
00:55:18,240 --> 00:55:20,120
you're met with a panel of faces
1242
00:55:20,200 --> 00:55:22,920
so you can tell them
how much that shit made you smile.
1243
00:55:23,000 --> 00:55:24,240
[audience laughs]
1244
00:55:24,319 --> 00:55:27,120
And Twitter,
the fucking world's cubicle wall
1245
00:55:27,200 --> 00:55:31,280
that allows every half-baked opinion
to be suddenly broadcast to the world.
1246
00:55:31,359 --> 00:55:32,600
I think about this so much more
1247
00:55:32,680 --> 00:55:35,520
now that I'm about to bring a child
into this toxic hellscape.
1248
00:55:35,600 --> 00:55:38,399
And I think,
"What piece of advice would I give them?"
1249
00:55:38,480 --> 00:55:42,879
And ultimately, the very simple advice
I'd give my kid, and to anyone, is this.
1250
00:55:42,960 --> 00:55:45,399
What we need to learn is that sometimes
1251
00:55:45,480 --> 00:55:48,879
it is okay to let the people
who know what they're talking about
1252
00:55:48,960 --> 00:55:50,600
talk about what they know about.
1253
00:55:50,680 --> 00:55:53,359
I accept there's quite a lot of things
I'm ill-informed of,
1254
00:55:53,440 --> 00:55:55,920
and therefore,
there will be a fair few discussions
1255
00:55:56,000 --> 00:55:58,920
that it is probably best
that I just sit out of.
1256
00:55:59,000 --> 00:56:02,879
I'm not saying we shouldn't have opinions.
It's vitally important to have opinions.
1257
00:56:02,960 --> 00:56:06,200
I'm just saying, you don't have
to have an opinion about everything.
1258
00:56:06,280 --> 00:56:09,000
Every now and again, very rarely,
there may come a time
1259
00:56:09,080 --> 00:56:12,120
when you can genuinely add
something of interest to the discourse.
1260
00:56:12,200 --> 00:56:14,760
But in the meantime, wait your turn,
1261
00:56:14,839 --> 00:56:17,680
pick your moment,
and in the nicest way possible,
1262
00:56:17,760 --> 00:56:20,240
shut the fuck up.
1263
00:56:20,319 --> 00:56:23,600
[audience cheering and applauding]
1264
00:56:31,920 --> 00:56:33,520
That was a very long-winded way of saying
1265
00:56:33,600 --> 00:56:36,399
I don't wanna read any negative feedback
about this show on Twitter.
1266
00:56:36,480 --> 00:56:38,640
[audience laughing]
1267
00:56:38,720 --> 00:56:43,040
Ultimately, I think I maybe spent
a little too much time over in the States.
1268
00:56:43,120 --> 00:56:44,960
I was surprised by how homesick I got.
1269
00:56:45,040 --> 00:56:48,000
And I want to tell you about
one of the bleakest moments.
1270
00:56:48,080 --> 00:56:51,640
I'd been living there for about a year,
trying to do long-distance with Rox.
1271
00:56:51,720 --> 00:56:54,399
It had been a struggle,
and I was on the phone to her.
1272
00:56:54,480 --> 00:56:57,560
Put it down,
and I was feeling very sad and very alone.
1273
00:56:57,640 --> 00:57:00,799
I was like, "I know what I need to do.
I need to take myself for a nice meal."
1274
00:57:00,879 --> 00:57:02,839
"I'm gonna wine and dine myself."
1275
00:57:02,919 --> 00:57:06,560
So I go to a restaurant, and I don't mind
eating on my own in a restaurant,
1276
00:57:06,640 --> 00:57:09,720
but I do like there to be
a degree of discretion when I do so.
1277
00:57:09,799 --> 00:57:13,680
I always approach eating on my own
in a restaurant like I approach sex.
1278
00:57:13,760 --> 00:57:15,359
In and out as quickly as possible,
1279
00:57:15,440 --> 00:57:17,919
minimal eye contact,
and then scurry for the exit,
1280
00:57:18,000 --> 00:57:20,440
leaving a woman very disappointed
about the size of my tip.
1281
00:57:20,520 --> 00:57:22,919
[audience laughing]
1282
00:57:23,000 --> 00:57:26,680
I whisper my name,
whisper my name to this hostess,
1283
00:57:26,759 --> 00:57:29,080
and she walks back out five minutes later,
1284
00:57:29,160 --> 00:57:32,319
and at the top of her voice,
she uses my name
1285
00:57:32,399 --> 00:57:36,640
in the most depressing sentence
that I have ever heard it used.
1286
00:57:36,720 --> 00:57:38,799
She walks out, she goes,
1287
00:57:38,879 --> 00:57:40,279
"Jack Whitehall!"
1288
00:57:40,960 --> 00:57:42,279
"Party for one!"
1289
00:57:42,359 --> 00:57:44,080
[audience laughing]
1290
00:57:44,160 --> 00:57:46,120
Party for one?!
1291
00:57:46,200 --> 00:57:49,640
That is the most depressing
description of my lunch
1292
00:57:49,720 --> 00:57:51,759
that I have ever fucking heard!
1293
00:57:51,839 --> 00:57:54,720
And now everyone in the restaurant
is looking over to see
1294
00:57:54,799 --> 00:57:57,200
who the pity party for one is.
1295
00:57:57,279 --> 00:58:00,560
I have to do the walk of shame
through the restaurant.
1296
00:58:00,640 --> 00:58:02,240
[audience laughing]
1297
00:58:02,319 --> 00:58:04,440
She sits me down
at the pity party for one.
1298
00:58:04,520 --> 00:58:05,799
She then does that thing.
1299
00:58:05,879 --> 00:58:09,440
Why do waitresses feel the need to do this
if you're eating on your own?
1300
00:58:09,520 --> 00:58:12,839
She comes over to my table
and makes a big song and dance
1301
00:58:12,919 --> 00:58:15,640
of removing the place setting opposite me.
1302
00:58:16,200 --> 00:58:17,560
Why do they do that?
1303
00:58:17,640 --> 00:58:20,440
As if to say,
"We wouldn't want anyone looking over here
1304
00:58:20,520 --> 00:58:23,160
and accidentally thinking
that you're waiting for someone."
1305
00:58:23,240 --> 00:58:25,960
"No, I need everyone
in this establishment to know
1306
00:58:26,040 --> 00:58:28,640
that you're probably gonna die alone."
1307
00:58:29,359 --> 00:58:32,960
"Why don't I just get my chair
and stick it up against the wall,
1308
00:58:33,040 --> 00:58:36,919
so I don't accidentally make eye contact
with any of the happy customers?"
1309
00:58:37,000 --> 00:58:40,080
"Or you can bring a to-go bag out.
I'll put it on my head."
1310
00:58:40,160 --> 00:58:43,680
"Or better still, there's some space
down here underneath the table."
1311
00:58:43,759 --> 00:58:47,279
"Why don't I just have my dinner
down here, like a dog?"
1312
00:58:48,759 --> 00:58:51,839
"Is now a good time to mention
it's my birthday?"
1313
00:58:51,919 --> 00:58:56,160
[audience laughing]
1314
00:58:56,759 --> 00:59:00,200
"Does sir have any allergies today,
or should I just put 'people'?"
1315
00:59:00,279 --> 00:59:02,160
[audience laughing]
1316
00:59:02,240 --> 00:59:05,160
She then asked my second least-favorite
question in a restaurant.
1317
00:59:05,240 --> 00:59:08,160
"Would you like bottled water or tap?"
1318
00:59:08,240 --> 00:59:10,560
"Oh, well, when you put it like that."
1319
00:59:10,640 --> 00:59:12,759
Why do they always have to frame it
in that way?
1320
00:59:12,839 --> 00:59:15,640
All water has technically
come through a tap at some point,
1321
00:59:15,720 --> 00:59:17,359
even the posh shit in the bottles.
1322
00:59:17,440 --> 00:59:19,560
How do you think it got there
in the first place?
1323
00:59:19,640 --> 00:59:22,319
This waitress wasn't out
in a field this morning,
1324
00:59:22,399 --> 00:59:25,720
skipping through it,
dunking them into a babbling brook.
1325
00:59:25,799 --> 00:59:29,160
No, but they say "tap"
because words have power,
1326
00:59:29,240 --> 00:59:31,640
and "tap" conjures up
an image in your head, doesn't it,
1327
00:59:31,720 --> 00:59:35,440
of some rusty tap out back,
in an alleyway.
1328
00:59:35,520 --> 00:59:39,440
The waitress walking out there
with a mangy pail of water
1329
00:59:39,520 --> 00:59:42,399
to fill it up as some sweaty sous-chef
1330
00:59:42,480 --> 00:59:45,680
douses down his nether regions
after a hot service.
1331
00:59:45,759 --> 00:59:48,080
[audience laughing]
1332
00:59:48,160 --> 00:59:52,399
Maybe I have quite a vivid imagination,
but you get the point.
1333
00:59:52,480 --> 00:59:56,160
She's back with the menus. By this point,
I thought she was taking the piss.
1334
00:59:56,240 --> 00:59:59,960
She's like, "Right, well, we serve things
in this menu family-style."
1335
01:00:00,040 --> 01:00:01,799
[giggles] "Well, joke's on you, love."
1336
01:00:01,879 --> 01:00:05,240
"This is my family style.
I went to a boarding school."
1337
01:00:05,319 --> 01:00:06,560
[audience laughs]
1338
01:00:06,640 --> 01:00:09,319
"You're not gonna be interested
in this first page of our menu,
1339
01:00:09,399 --> 01:00:12,640
because these are
all of our sharing plates."
1340
01:00:12,720 --> 01:00:17,120
"Oh my God. I get it.
I haven't got any friends."
1341
01:00:17,200 --> 01:00:20,839
She's like, "Here we are, sir.
This is more your area here."
1342
01:00:20,919 --> 01:00:23,319
"Wines by the glass."
1343
01:00:23,399 --> 01:00:25,799
[high-pitched] "Wines by the glass."
1344
01:00:25,879 --> 01:00:27,480
I was so smug.
1345
01:00:27,560 --> 01:00:29,440
I was like, "Oh, madam."
1346
01:00:29,520 --> 01:00:32,359
"You have really misread this situation."
1347
01:00:32,440 --> 01:00:34,680
"You see, I am British."
1348
01:00:34,759 --> 01:00:37,399
"I may eat for a party of one,
1349
01:00:37,480 --> 01:00:40,040
but I drink for a party of five!"
1350
01:00:40,120 --> 01:00:41,799
[audience roaring with laughter]
1351
01:00:41,879 --> 01:00:46,680
[audience cheering and applauding]
1352
01:00:46,759 --> 01:00:50,000
I love that we live in a country
where you can get away with that.
1353
01:00:50,080 --> 01:00:53,319
Ordering a bottle of wine at lunch
and not getting judged for it.
1354
01:00:53,399 --> 01:00:54,520
Oh my God.
1355
01:00:54,600 --> 01:00:57,040
That picture…
[chuckles] She's had a couple.
1356
01:00:57,120 --> 01:00:58,040
I… [chuckles]
1357
01:00:58,120 --> 01:01:00,080
That picture, the jolly day-drinker,
1358
01:01:00,160 --> 01:01:02,759
polishing off a bottle of pinot
before 1:00 p.m.
1359
01:01:02,839 --> 01:01:05,680
Stick that shit on the ten-pound note.
1360
01:01:05,759 --> 01:01:07,560
[audience laughing]
1361
01:01:07,640 --> 01:01:11,359
That… That is the kind of reason
I could never move to America permanently.
1362
01:01:11,440 --> 01:01:15,240
And I nearly did. At the end of last year,
I nearly made the move permanently,
1363
01:01:15,319 --> 01:01:17,200
and at the last minute, I pulled out.
1364
01:01:17,279 --> 01:01:19,919
Ironically, I'd failed to pull out
in another situation,
1365
01:01:20,000 --> 01:01:22,240
but that's already been touched on.
1366
01:01:22,319 --> 01:01:25,520
Ultimately, I realized
that I wanna raise my kid here.
1367
01:01:25,600 --> 01:01:29,359
I wanna settle down here.
Whisper it quietly, I like it here.
1368
01:01:29,440 --> 01:01:32,200
And I don't mean that
in like a sort of jingoistic way.
1369
01:01:32,279 --> 01:01:34,359
I think there's enough people
in this country
1370
01:01:34,440 --> 01:01:37,680
that tell you that you should love it
in a very specific manner.
1371
01:01:37,759 --> 01:01:39,720
Ultimately, there's a host
of different reasons
1372
01:01:39,799 --> 01:01:43,080
that we can love where we live
and who we are.
1373
01:01:43,160 --> 01:01:45,480
And I realized the longer I spent away,
1374
01:01:45,560 --> 01:01:49,560
it was the mundane, weird,
random shit that I began to miss.
1375
01:01:49,640 --> 01:01:53,160
LA is 365 days a year of sunshine.
1376
01:01:53,240 --> 01:01:55,040
I began to miss drizzle.
1377
01:01:55,120 --> 01:01:56,279
[audience laughs]
1378
01:01:56,359 --> 01:01:59,720
I love nothing more
than being sat in a beer garden
1379
01:01:59,799 --> 01:02:01,520
huddled underneath an umbrella,
1380
01:02:01,600 --> 01:02:05,440
getting battered by horizontal rain
in the middle of July.
1381
01:02:05,960 --> 01:02:11,520
Being the designated person to lean over
and switch on the heater every 50 seconds.
1382
01:02:11,600 --> 01:02:12,680
[audience laughs]
1383
01:02:12,759 --> 01:02:14,399
I miss a proper music festival
1384
01:02:14,480 --> 01:02:18,080
that you come back from
with food poisoning and trench foot.
1385
01:02:18,160 --> 01:02:21,399
I cannot wait to be in my first mosh pit
1386
01:02:21,480 --> 01:02:24,399
with little baby Phoenix
strapped onto my chest.
1387
01:02:25,000 --> 01:02:29,040
I went to a parody of a music festival
in America called Coachella.
1388
01:02:29,120 --> 01:02:31,200
I heard a woman there complaining
1389
01:02:31,279 --> 01:02:35,919
because they had ran out of hand sanitizer
in the VIP area.
1390
01:02:36,000 --> 01:02:38,640
I was like,
"Love, I was at Glastonbury once
1391
01:02:38,720 --> 01:02:40,560
and saw a woman in the gents
1392
01:02:40,640 --> 01:02:42,919
squatting in front of a urinal
1393
01:02:43,000 --> 01:02:45,000
using a Croc as a Shewee."
1394
01:02:45,080 --> 01:02:46,839
[audience laughing]
1395
01:02:46,919 --> 01:02:51,359
It's wonderful to see you again, madam.
I didn't recognize you until that moment.
1396
01:02:51,879 --> 01:02:55,680
I miss living in a country that doesn't
give a toss about designer labels
1397
01:02:55,759 --> 01:02:57,240
or who's wearing who.
1398
01:02:57,319 --> 01:03:00,919
Where the biggest fashion story of 2023
1399
01:03:01,000 --> 01:03:05,120
was that Primark were doing
a collaboration with Greggs, the baker.
1400
01:03:05,200 --> 01:03:07,600
[audience cheering and applauding]
1401
01:03:07,680 --> 01:03:10,319
They did a sportswear range!
1402
01:03:10,399 --> 01:03:13,720
Have you got any idea
how much of a middle finger that is
1403
01:03:13,799 --> 01:03:15,359
to the wellness industry?
1404
01:03:15,440 --> 01:03:18,919
Turning up to the gym
in the same packaging as a sausage roll?
1405
01:03:19,000 --> 01:03:19,879
[audience laughs]
1406
01:03:19,960 --> 01:03:21,359
I miss our shit food.
1407
01:03:21,440 --> 01:03:23,000
Steak bakes. Scotch eggs.
1408
01:03:23,080 --> 01:03:24,960
A breakfast of champions,
1409
01:03:25,040 --> 01:03:27,560
washed down with a gallon of milky tea
1410
01:03:27,640 --> 01:03:30,440
and gravy on fucking everything.
1411
01:03:30,520 --> 01:03:32,759
We love gravy so much in this country,
1412
01:03:32,839 --> 01:03:35,399
we're not gonna pour it
out of a poncy little jug.
1413
01:03:35,480 --> 01:03:37,759
We are a maritime nation,
1414
01:03:37,839 --> 01:03:41,480
and our gravy should arrive at the table
in a fucking boat!
1415
01:03:41,560 --> 01:03:42,720
[audience cheering]
1416
01:03:42,799 --> 01:03:47,560
And it shall be served to us
without the hint of a smile.
1417
01:03:47,640 --> 01:03:52,640
God bless the complete absence
of customer service in this country!
1418
01:03:53,240 --> 01:03:58,439
In America, being asked how my meal was
in between every single mouthful.
1419
01:03:58,520 --> 01:04:00,799
The joy of coming back home
1420
01:04:00,879 --> 01:04:04,439
and being served this afternoon
in a café in Bermondsey
1421
01:04:04,520 --> 01:04:06,439
by a woman that wouldn't give a fuck
1422
01:04:06,520 --> 01:04:09,560
if I dropped down dead
in front of her at the table.
1423
01:04:10,200 --> 01:04:12,359
Thank you very much, O2!
1424
01:04:12,439 --> 01:04:14,160
I've been Jack Whitehall!
1425
01:04:14,240 --> 01:04:15,720
You've been amazing!
1426
01:04:15,799 --> 01:04:16,919
Good night!
1427
01:04:17,000 --> 01:04:22,000
-[audience cheering and applauding]
-["Enigma Variations" playing]
1428
01:04:22,080 --> 01:04:23,040
Thank you!
1429
01:04:23,120 --> 01:04:26,160
[audience whistling]
1430
01:04:31,000 --> 01:04:33,319
["Enigma Variations" continues playing]
nigma Variations" playing]
113247
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