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1
00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:02,700
Hey.
2
00:00:02,800 --> 00:00:03,700
Oh, hey.
3
00:00:03,800 --> 00:00:04,800
You're back early.
4
00:00:04,900 --> 00:00:06,100
How was your date?
5
00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:09,200
I hate electric cars.
6
00:00:09,900 --> 00:00:12,100
I don't like scented candles.
7
00:00:14,300 --> 00:00:16,400
Once again, how was your date?
8
00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:19,000
It was fine until
her estranged husband
9
00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:22,500
silently pulled into the
driveway in his freakin' Prius.
10
00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:27,400
If he hadn't stepped on the cat,
I'd be dead now.
11
00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:30,000
What are you doing?
12
00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:30,900
Me?
13
00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:32,700
Uh, nothing.
Just, uh...
14
00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:34,700
nothing.
15
00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:38,200
You were surfing for porn,
weren't you?
16
00:00:38,700 --> 00:00:40,900
Uh... yes.
17
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,000
Okay, that's, that's
what I was doing.
18
00:00:43,100 --> 00:00:44,000
You caught me.
19
00:00:44,100 --> 00:00:45,400
I'm so embarrassed.
20
00:00:47,900 --> 00:00:51,100
Well, you should be;
it's disgusting.
21
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:55,200
Come on, let's see what puts
a chubby in your chinos.
22
00:00:55,300 --> 00:00:57,900
No, no, it's personal.
23
00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:00,400
Ooh,hat are you into,
grannies with trannies?
24
00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:02,800
Chickens with strap-ons?
25
00:01:02,900 --> 00:01:04,600
Please, please don't,
Charlie. Pl...
26
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:11,300
Oh, you pitiful freak!
27
00:01:12,900 --> 00:01:14,000
What is wrong with you?
28
00:01:14,100 --> 00:01:16,900
Nothing, I came
upon it by accident.
29
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:18,500
I am so ashamed.
30
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:20,900
My own brother using an...
31
00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:24,400
Internet dating service.
32
00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:26,800
I'm a man, Charlie.
I have needs.
33
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,600
www.1000fr.com present
34
00:01:31,700 --> 00:01:33,700
sync:FRM@Ӳ���
Capture:FRM@MAOREN
35
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:34,600
Ok
36
00:01:34,700 --> 00:01:35,800
???
37
00:01:35,900 --> 00:01:38,200
that the Roman Empire
made to civilization.
38
00:01:38,500 --> 00:01:40,200
Um... Roman numerals.
39
00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:41,200
Good.
40
00:01:41,500 --> 00:01:42,800
Aqueducts...
41
00:01:42,900 --> 00:01:44,100
Terrific.
42
00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:46,000
Do you know what
an aqueduct is?
43
00:01:46,100 --> 00:01:47,700
Uh, something to do with water.
44
00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:49,100
And...?
45
00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:50,500
A duck?
46
00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:53,500
Morning.
47
00:01:53,700 --> 00:01:55,800
Morning
Morning, Charlie.
48
00:01:55,900 --> 00:01:57,100
Morning, Rose.
49
00:01:57,800 --> 00:01:58,900
What's going on?
50
00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:02,800
She's helping Yertle the Ttle
study for his test.
51
00:02:04,700 --> 00:02:06,200
Why didn't he ask me?
52
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:07,800
Name three contributions
53
00:02:07,900 --> 00:02:10,200
the Roman Empire
made to civilization.
54
00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:12,900
Orgies, wine and bulimia.
55
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:17,300
Go ahead, ask me
about the Greeks.
56
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,500
Then who did invent
aromatherapy?
57
00:02:20,700 --> 00:02:22,200
Not the Romans.
58
00:02:22,300 --> 00:02:23,900
But you see my logic.
59
00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:27,400
You know,
I never did understand
60
00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:29,500
why you didn't give her
more of a chance.
61
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,300
She's pretty, smart,
62
00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:34,500
and amazingly patient
with dumb guys.
63
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:37,900
Are you talking
about Jake or me?
64
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:40,200
A smart guy wouldn't
have to ask that question.
65
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:43,700
Excuse me, but
let's not forget
66
00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:45,500
this is a woman
who stalked me,
67
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:48,000
who spied on me,
who snuck into my house
68
00:02:48,100 --> 00:02:50,800
to write her name and
address in my underwear.
69
00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:52,600
Oh, boo-hoo.
70
00:02:52,700 --> 00:02:54,700
Somebody cares
about Charlie.
71
00:02:55,500 --> 00:02:57,800
Nobody ever wrote
their name in my underwear.
72
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:02,100
Wait, once.
The Department of Corrections.
73
00:03:03,700 --> 00:03:04,400
Morning.
74
00:03:04,700 --> 00:03:05,900
Morning.
Hey.
75
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:07,300
Hey, guys.
76
00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:08,500
How's the homework coming?
77
00:03:08,700 --> 00:03:11,100
The three major buildings
in ancient Rome
78
00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:14,400
were the Coliseum,
the Forum and...
79
00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:15,700
Circus...
80
00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:17,400
Circus Circus.
81
00:03:18,700 --> 00:03:20,300
We need a little
more time.
82
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:21,300
Carry on.
83
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:24,100
I know 's not Caesar's Palace.
84
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,400
Why don't you get him
a real tutor?
85
00:03:27,700 --> 00:03:28,500
Are you kidding?
86
00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:31,100
She has advanced degrees
in, like, three subjects,
87
00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:32,900
she loves him,
he worships her,
88
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:34,500
and the only thing
she asks in return
89
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:37,000
is to sit naked in
your laundry hamper
every once in a while.
90
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:39,700
And that's not
a red flag for you?
91
00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:41,300
You could do a lot worse
than Rose, Charlie.
92
00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:43,000
I have done a lot worse.
93
00:03:43,500 --> 00:03:46,100
But that's not really
a recommendation now, is it?
94
00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:50,100
The second triumviratewas Augustus,
95
00:03:50,500 --> 00:03:51,600
Lepidus.
96
00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:53,100
Very good.
97
00:03:53,300 --> 00:03:56,200
Okay, well, that's
it for today.
98
00:03:56,300 --> 00:03:57,300
Wait a minute.
99
00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:59,300
Oh, right.
100
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:00,900
Open up.
101
00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:07,300
Mmm, cookie.
102
00:04:09,100 --> 00:04:10,600
Hey, Charlie,
u got a minute?
103
00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:12,700
I'd like to talk
to you privately.
104
00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:14,900
Now's not a good time, Rose.
105
00:04:15,100 --> 00:04:16,500
Will you call me later?
106
00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:17,000
Sure.
107
00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:18,400
Promise?
108
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:19,100
Yeah.
109
00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:21,100
Cross your heart
and hope to die?
110
00:04:22,500 --> 00:04:23,300
Yes.
111
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:24,800
Stick a needle in your eye?
112
00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:27,100
Okay.
113
00:04:27,300 --> 00:04:29,100
Boil in oil until you fry?
114
00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:31,500
Dear God, Rose, I will call you.
115
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:33,000
Toodles.
116
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:38,600
You're not going to call her,
are you?
117
00:04:38,700 --> 00:04:41,200
No, I think I'm going to go
with the neee in the eye.
118
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:07,400
Funny, you didn't mention
in your dating profile ???
119
00:05:07,500 --> 00:05:09,400
Hey, what are you doing
growing to my laptop?
120
00:05:09,500 --> 00:05:13,600
Just learning a lile about
you, Spimaster278.
121
00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:16,600
I see you like
smooth jazz,
122
00:05:16,700 --> 00:05:18,600
long walks on the beach
and cuddling.
123
00:05:18,700 --> 00:05:20,000
Give me that.
Now hold on.
Hold on.
124
00:05:20,100 --> 00:05:21,600
This is my
favorite part.
125
00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:23,800
"I love to spend
quiet weekends
126
00:05:23,900 --> 00:05:26,200
puttering around my
Malibu beach house."
127
00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:28,500
Educate me, Alan.
128
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:31,400
To what Malibu beach
house are you referring?
129
00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:33,100
Okay, okay, I was going
to tell you about that.
130
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:34,800
Do you have one that
I don't know about?
131
00:05:35,100 --> 00:05:36,500
No, no.
'Cause if you do,
132
00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:38,400
one of us should
beiving there.
133
00:05:38,500 --> 00:05:40,200
Are you going to let me
explain, or not?
134
00:05:40,300 --> 00:05:41,300
What's to explain?
135
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:43,300
You have a Malibu beach
house and you're the...
136
00:05:43,900 --> 00:05:45,900
"chiropractor
to the stars."
137
00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:48,400
Okay, what do you want me
to call myself?
138
00:05:48,500 --> 00:05:50,300
Chiropractor to fat people
in the valley?
139
00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:52,300
Everybody exaggerates
on these things.
140
00:05:52,500 --> 00:05:53,900
Okay, I can understand that.
141
00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:55,700
You're probably not going
to get a lot of responses
142
00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:57,400
to "bushy-nosed cheapskate,
143
00:05:57,500 --> 00:05:59,200
enjoys long walks
to a free meal."
144
00:06:00,500 --> 00:06:01,500
Exactly.
145
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:04,900
Hey, you're going out
tonight, aren't you?
146
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:05,600
Why?
147
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:08,300
Well, I met a woman
on this dating site
148
00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:10,100
and she's here
and it would be good if...
149
00:06:10,300 --> 00:06:11,400
you weren't.
150
00:06:11,700 --> 00:06:13,700
You're throwing me
out of my own house?
151
00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:17,100
Well, no, if you read
the profile, it's my house.
152
00:06:18,300 --> 00:06:18,900
See?
153
00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:21,500
Coming!
154
00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:22,900
Be right there!
155
00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:23,900
Please play along.
156
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:25,200
You're going to
play along, right?
157
00:06:25,300 --> 00:06:27,300
I guess we'll find out
together, won't we?
158
00:06:34,900 --> 00:06:36,700
Alan, hi.
159
00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:39,800
Beverly, it's so great to
finally meet you in person.
160
00:06:44,500 --> 00:06:45,700
Hi.
161
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:48,100
Hello.
162
00:06:48,900 --> 00:06:50,300
Oh, this is Charlie.
163
00:06:50,700 --> 00:06:52,600
Oh, right, your poor brother.
164
00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:56,400
Hi, Charlie.
165
00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:58,300
How are you?
166
00:07:02,100 --> 00:07:04,700
Mmm, you smell nice.
167
00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:06,200
Okay, okay, come on in.
168
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,200
Oh, my,
169
00:07:09,300 --> 00:07:11,200
what a beautiful home.
170
00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:13,000
Thank you.
Thank you.
171
00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:17,200
I encourage him to think
of this place as his own.
172
00:07:18,300 --> 00:07:22,700
Yeah, that way, I don't feel
like such a worthless parasite.
173
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:26,300
Charlie, weren't you
going out tonight?
174
00:07:26,500 --> 00:07:30,400
Gee, I'd love to, but
you know me, flat broke again.
175
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:35,000
Oh, well, I suppose I could
float you a few bucks.
176
00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:35,800
What do you need?
177
00:07:35,900 --> 00:07:37,800
$400.
178
00:07:39,300 --> 00:07:41,000
Okay. Okay.
179
00:07:41,100 --> 00:07:43,400
You know, I'll... I'll just
give you everything I have.
180
00:07:43,500 --> 00:07:47,600
Uh... that's
31, 32... $33.
181
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:50,100
What about the secret
compartment?
182
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:52,100
All right.
183
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:55,800
That'll be a, uh...
184
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,100
00:07:59,700
$133.
185
00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:02,500
And I don't expect to
see you again tonight.
186
00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:03,900
Thanks, bro.
187
00:08:05,300 --> 00:08:08,200
Be nice to him;
he's all I've got.
188
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:11,800
Sorry about that.
189
00:08:11,900 --> 00:08:12,700
I understand.
190
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:14,700
I have a sister
who's a crack whore.
191
00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:17,000
Really?
192
00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:19,000
Maybe we can introduce them.
193
00:08:19,100 --> 00:08:22,500
For $133, we can
introduce them twice.
194
00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:24,600
Terrific.
195
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:29,000
Well, here we are.
196
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:30,300
We sure are.
197
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:33,000
I guess you've noticed
198
00:08:33,100 --> 00:08:35,200
I'm a little taller
than five-nine.
199
00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,500
Well, yeah, but everybody
fudges a little
200
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:38,900
on those dating profiles.
201
00:08:39,300 --> 00:08:40,100
How tall are you?
202
00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:41,600
Five-thirteen.
203
00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:52,000
Leanne, tell me something,
204
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:55,500
is it just me or is the crowd
in here getting younger?
205
00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:58,400
No, the crowd's the same age
it's always been.
206
00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,000
You, on the other hand, are not.
207
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:02,800
I'm not old.
208
00:09:02,900 --> 00:09:04,500
40's the new 30, right?
209
00:09:05,700 --> 00:09:07,700
Not the way you live, pal.
210
00:09:08,300 --> 00:09:09,500
Yeah, well, guess what?
211
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,700
Not tipping is the new tipping.
212
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:14,900
I gotta do more
drinking at home.
213
00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:18,800
You didn't call.
214
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:20,900
Did you follow me here?
215
00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:23,400
Please. If you're not home
and you're not on a date,
216
00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:24,700
where else would you be?
217
00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:27,000
And, yes,
I followed you here.
218
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:29,900
There's something
I need to tell you.
219
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:31,600
What can I get you?
220
00:09:31,700 --> 00:09:33,300
Grain alcohol, please.
221
00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:35,600
We don't have grain alcohol.
222
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:37,900
Okay, just a Sprite.
223
00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:41,900
What do you want, Rose?
224
00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:43,600
I don'want anything.
225
00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:46,400
I st have some news
to share with you.
226
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:48,300
Is this CNN kind of news,
227
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:50,000
or something you heard
from a friendly blue jay
228
00:09:50,100 --> 00:09:51,200
with a top hat and a cane?
229
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,900
If you recall,
that was a crow,
230
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:56,500
and he was wearing a derby
and safety goggl.
231
00:09:57,100 --> 00:09:59,200
And I've admitted that
was a medication issue.
232
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,700
Fine, whatever.
What's the news?
233
00:10:03,700 --> 00:10:06,200
Well, my family has business
interests in London,
234
00:10:06,900 --> 00:10:09,000
and I'm going to move
there and take a job.
235
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:10,200
Oh, terrific.
236
00:10:10,300 --> 00:10:12,200
So will you be running
the chocolate factory?
237
00:10:13,300 --> 00:10:15,400
Did the OompaLoompas
drop the ball?
238
00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:18,000
Charlie...
The little bastards
went union, didn't they?
239
00:10:19,100 --> 00:10:21,800
Oh,I'm going to miss that
good-natured cynicism.
240
00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:25,300
You're probably wondering
why I decided to leave.
241
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:26,800
Actually, I was wondering
242
00:10:26,900 --> 00:10:26,900
what possessed them
243
00:10:26,900 --> 00:10:28,900
243
00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:31,500
Gene Wilder was perfect.
244
00:10:32,300 --> 00:10:35,400
I'm leaving because I'm
not getting any younger
245
00:10:35,900 --> 00:10:37,800
and our relationship
isn't really progressing
246
00:10:37,900 --> 00:10:39,500
along the path
I'd hoped for.
247
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:43,300
Rose, there is
no relationship.
248
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:44,800
There is no path.
249
00:10:45,300 --> 00:10:47,100
How very Zen of you.
250
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:53,800
I'll always love you,
Charlie.
251
00:10:54,900 --> 00:10:56,800
But this is best
for both of us.
252
00:10:58,100 --> 00:10:59,600
Yeah. Right.
253
00:11:00,100 --> 00:11:02,300
Okay, well, have a good trip.
254
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:03,800
Say hi to the Queen...
255
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:06,300
of Hearts.
256
00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:08,100
Is your friend leaving?
257
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,200
Nono, she never leaves.
258
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:13,400
She's probably climbing into
the trunk of my car as we speak.
259
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:16,800
Hey, maybe you should follow me
home to make sure I'm safe.
260
00:11:16,900 --> 00:11:18,900
I don't think my husband
woulapprove.
261
00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:20,700
When did you get married?
262
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:23,500
Shortly after the last time
I woke up in your bed
263
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,000
with cab fare
taped to my forehead.
264
00:11:28,500 --> 00:11:32,300
I suddenly realized how empty
and soulless my life had become.
265
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,100
Thank you for that, by the way.
266
00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:38,000
Happy to help.
267
00:11:43,500 --> 00:11:44,900
How are you doing tonight?
268
00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:47,000
Oh, gee, I'm sorry, sir.
269
00:11:47,100 --> 00:11:49,000
I don't have daddy issues.
270
00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:57,500
???
271
00:11:57,700 --> 00:12:00,300
he announces that he's leaving
me for the wedding planner.
272
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:01,200
Ouch!
273
00:12:01,300 --> 00:12:02,100
I was heartsick.
274
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:03,700
I really cared for him.
275
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:05,000
Well, of course
you cared for him.
276
00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:06,500
Why else would you
agree to marry him?
277
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,600
No, I mean
the wedding planner.
278
00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:13,600
Ouch. Well, we all have one
or two heartbreaks in our life.
279
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:14,600
Eight.
280
00:12:15,100 --> 00:12:15,600
Excuse me?
281
00:12:15,700 --> 00:12:17,300
I've been dumped
eight times.
282
00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:20,600
Married, married, gay,
parole violation,
283
00:12:20,700 --> 00:12:24,100
gay and married, deported,
returned to the priesthood,
284
00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:26,400
and woman in a man's body.
285
00:12:27,500 --> 00:12:30,500
Whoa. And yet you
haven't given up.
286
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:31,400
Of course not.
287
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:33,100
I may have to kiss
a lot of frogs,
288
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:35,300
but eventually
I'll find my prince.
289
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:38,600
Ribbit.
290
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,700
I knew it. You're gay.
291
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,700
No, no. I'm not gay.
292
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:44,700
Well, whatever it is,
293
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:46,500
I don't have the time
or the strength
to deal with it.
294
00:12:46,500 --> 00:12:47,700
Beverly, wait. Wait.
295
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,100
You know my loser brother?
296
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:52,400
I'm him.
297
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:53,400
What?
298
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:55,100
This is Charlie's house.
299
00:12:55,500 --> 00:12:59,900
After my divorce,
I was broke, and he took me in.
300
00:13:01,300 --> 00:13:03,100
And I'm not the chiropractor
to the stars.
301
00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:06,800
I mostly handle
slip-and-fall insurance claims.
302
00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:08,200
That's all?
303
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:09,800
What do you mean,
"That's all?"?
304
00:13:09,900 --> 00:13:12,400
I mean, married,
married, gay,
parole violation...
305
00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:14,100
Alan, you're a catch.
306
00:13:15,100 --> 00:13:15,700
I am?
307
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:17,700
Come on. You're single,
you're straight,
308
00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:19,500
and you're a genetic male.
309
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,200
So I guess
the bar's not that high.
310
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:24,500
Have you done
much online dating?
311
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:27,000
You cleared it with
a penis and a job.
312
00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:30,100
And, just to put
your mind at ease,
313
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:32,300
I plan on keeping
both of them.
314
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:38,200
Hey, Berta, you want
to hear something cool?
315
00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:41,100
The ancient Romans had a place
called a vomitorium
316
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:43,000
where people could eat
as much as they wanted,
317
00:13:43,100 --> 00:13:44,800
puke, and then eat some more.
318
00:13:45,300 --> 00:13:46,900
Well, just like The Sizzler.
319
00:13:49,300 --> 00:13:50,700
Hey. Morning, buddy.
320
00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:51,900
You suck.
321
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:56,200
Whoa. Has the little prince
not taken his morning poop yet?
322
00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:59,300
It's your fault
that Rose is moving away.
323
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:01,000
Oh, did she tell you that?
324
00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:03,000
Jake, she's not going anywhere.
325
00:14:03,100 --> 00:14:05,400
This is just one of her games
to mess with my head.
326
00:14:05,500 --> 00:14:06,600
Berta, tell him.
327
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:12,000
Jake, honey, your
Uncle Charlie sucks.
328
00:14:12,700 --> 00:14:13,800
Come on, Berta.
329
00:14:13,900 --> 00:14:15,800
Hey, if you weren't
such a self-centered pud,
330
00:14:15,900 --> 00:14:17,600
you'd realize
what an angel she is,
331
00:14:17,700 --> 00:14:18,500
and y'd never let her go.
332
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:20,700
Okay, first of all,
she's not an angel.
333
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:22,700
Second of all,
she's not leaving.
334
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:25,300
And third, and perhaps
most important, "pud"?
335
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:27,500
I cleaned it up for the kid.
336
00:14:30,700 --> 00:14:33,500
* The ninth
or tenth time around. *
337
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:35,200
Good morning,
everybody.
338
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:37,800
What's going on?
339
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:39,500
Rose is moving to London.
340
00:14:39,700 --> 00:14:40,700
She is? Why?
341
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:42,700
'Cause Uncle Charlie is a pud.
342
00:14:44,100 --> 00:14:45,100
A "pud"?
343
00:14:45,100 --> 00:14:46,800
I cleaned it up for myself.
344
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:49,700
Hey, Dad, can we go to Sizzl?
345
00:14:54,700 --> 00:14:55,800
This is nice, huh?
346
00:14:56,100 --> 00:14:56,900
Yeah.
347
00:14:57,900 --> 00:15:01,300
Listen, can I tell
you a little secret?
348
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:02,100
Sure.
349
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,000
It's kind
of embarrassing.
350
00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:06,500
Hey, you can
tell me anything.
351
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:10,000
All right. Well, before
I came over tonight,
352
00:15:10,100 --> 00:15:14,700
I... put a toothbrush
in my pue.
353
00:15:15,700 --> 00:15:17,200
What's so embarrassing
about that?
354
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:19,400
I don't go anywhere
without floss.
355
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:23,300
In fact, sometimes
I'll snap off 18 inches
356
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,500
and tuck it in my pocket
in case, you know,
I have a stubborn...
357
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:26,200
Oh!
358
00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:30,800
You mean you and me? Tonight?
359
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:32,500
Unless you
don't want to.
360
00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:35,800
Want to? I'm almost done.
361
00:15:38,300 --> 00:15:39,300
You know, Alan,
362
00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:40,800
I've been thinking about it,
363
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:42,400
and Rose really
crossed the line
364
00:15:42,500 --> 00:15:44,300
when she told Jake that crap
about her moving away.
365
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:45,300
Uh... yeah, listen.
366
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:47,200
Kids take that stuff seriously,
you know?
367
00:15:47,300 --> 00:15:48,300
I know, but...
368
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:49,500
It's one thing to screw with me.
369
00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:51,100
It's another thing
to screw with a child.
370
00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:52,900
No argument, but
don't you think
371
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:55,000
this is a conversation
you should have with her?
372
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:57,200
You're right. I'm going
to settle this right now.
373
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:02,100
Rose, climb up here!
I want to talk to you!
374
00:16:03,700 --> 00:16:05,800
Are you sure you're
the loser brother?
375
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:07,900
That's always
been the consensus.
376
00:16:08,500 --> 00:16:09,400
Excuse me.
377
00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:11,100
Come on, Rose,
you crazy bitch!
378
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:12,500
I know you're
out there!
379
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:14,800
Uh, uh, Charlie?
380
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:15,600
What do you
want me to do?
381
00:16:15,700 --> 00:16:16,900
Beg you to stay?
382
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:20,000
I hate to interrupt,
but I'm making some
real headway in there,
383
00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:21,400
and you're kind of
ruining the mood.
384
00:16:21,900 --> 00:16:23,000
Not now, Alan.
385
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:24,400
I'm not going to beg you
386
00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:26,100
'cause you're
not going anywhere!
387
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:28,600
I know you're not leaving,
and you know you're not leaving!
388
00:16:28,700 --> 00:16:31,000
Charlie, that lovely lady
in there brought her toothbrush
389
00:16:31,100 --> 00:16:33,000
'cause I have a penis and a job.
390
00:16:33,100 --> 00:16:34,000
Rose!
391
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:37,500
How is she going
to brush your job?
392
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,000
No, you don't
understand.
393
00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:40,200
I don't have time
for this, Alan.
394
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:45,000
Charlie, are you okay?
395
00:16:45,100 --> 00:16:47,800
Yeah. I just can't
find my damn stalker
396
00:16:48,500 --> 00:16:49,900
He can't find his stalker?
397
00:16:50,700 --> 00:16:52,300
They're usually
in the last place you look.
398
00:16:53,900 --> 00:16:55,100
But enough about him.
399
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:58,000
If you will accompany me
to the boudoir,
400
00:16:58,100 --> 00:17:00,300
I will convert
an ordinary
pull-out couch
401
00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:02,100
into a magic
carpet for two.
402
00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:04,100
Are you sure you're not gay?
403
00:17:04,700 --> 00:17:06,100
I'm literate
and urbane.
404
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:08,000
You're not the first
one to be confused.
405
00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:17,500
Right address.
406
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:25,200
Oh, Charlie,
you came to say good-bye.
407
00:17:26,300 --> 00:17:27,600
Unbelievable.
408
00:17:28,100 --> 00:17:30,200
You're going to play this
all the way out to the end.
409
00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:31,800
Play what out?
410
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,600
All right. Fine.
We'll do it your way.
411
00:17:35,900 --> 00:17:39,000
Rose, you're a terrific woman,
412
00:17:39,300 --> 00:17:41,500
I'm an idiot
for not seeing it,
413
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:44,300
and I really don't
want you to leave.
414
00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:45,600
Really?
415
00:17:45,700 --> 00:17:47,600
Yeah. Here, look.
416
00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:54,700
See?
417
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:56,000
Oh, yeah.
418
00:17:58,200 --> 00:17:59,500
Well, that's my cab.
419
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,600
Good-bye.
Wait. Wait.
What the hell are you doing?
420
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:04,100
I'm leaving.
421
00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:05,400
Don't you understand?
422
00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:07,100
You can drop the act.
423
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:08,600
I give up.
424
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:09,900
I surrender.
425
00:18:10,500 --> 00:18:13,400
You win, Rose. I'm yours.
426
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:16,400
Oh, Charlie,
that's so sweet.
427
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:18,400
But I know you,
and you're just
428
00:18:18,500 --> 00:18:19,800
having a little
panic attack
429
00:18:19,900 --> 00:18:21,800
because you're
getting old and
nobody loves you.
430
00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:24,000
See? You get me.
431
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:28,000
I do, whh is why
I have to leave.
432
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:33,400
Good-bye, Charlie.
433
00:18:35,100 --> 00:18:38,800
Oh, I almost forgot.
434
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:41,800
I thought you
should have this.
435
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:45,000
It's our first
restraining order.
436
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:49,600
Look how shaky
your signature was.
437
00:18:51,100 --> 00:18:52,900
You were so spooked.
438
00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:00,200
Oop! Got a plane
to catch.
439
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:06,600
Oh, come on, Rose! Stop it!
440
00:19:09,500 --> 00:19:12,600
All right, fine.
Take your little cab ride.
441
00:19:13,300 --> 00:19:14,600
See you tomorrow.
442
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:40,000
Okay.
443
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:43,300
Maybe not tomorrow.
444
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:58,800
Aw, damn.
445
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:06,100
Hey, Charlie.
446
00:20:06,300 --> 00:20:08,200
Oh, hi. Where's Alan?
447
00:20:08,300 --> 00:20:10,500
In the bedroom.
I have to get up
early for work.
448
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,300
Right. Well, see you.
449
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:13,000
Bye.
450
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:15,300
Hey, Beverly?
451
00:20:17,500 --> 00:20:20,400
I'm really glad you
and Alan got together.
452
00:20:20,500 --> 00:20:22,900
It's... it's nice.
453
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:24,000
Thank you.
454
00:20:24,500 --> 00:20:29,700
I hope things work out
for you and your... stalker.
455
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:31,500
Her name is Rose.
456
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:33,800
Like the flower.
457
00:20:34,700 --> 00:20:35,800
Okey-dokey.
458
00:20:36,500 --> 00:20:39,700
See? It's on
our restraining order.
459
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:42,200
Uh-huh. Good night now.
460
00:20:53,900 --> 00:20:54,900
Hey, Alan?
461
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:56,900
I'm not decent
462
00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:01,900
Rose is really gone.
463
00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:03,200
What?
464
00:21:05,100 --> 00:21:06,700
I said Rose is gone.
465
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,400
And I feel awful.
466
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:13,400
Like maybe
I made a huge mistake.
467
00:21:20,900 --> 00:21:25,000
Well, we all make mistakes.
468
00:21:26,300 --> 00:21:32,300
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