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1
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Karen. Why'd you pick such a fancy restaurant?
2
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We told you we're coming straight from Elliot's game.
3
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-Yeah, where he scored two goals.
-For the other team.
4
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And off my nose.
5
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Whoa!
6
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And they're out.
7
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It's beautiful.
It's like a butt.
8
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What's the occasion?
9
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Whadaya talk? I'm dressed like I always am.
10
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And I resent your implication that
11
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I have some kind of hidden agenda.
12
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Hello.
13
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Karen, that's three nights this week.
14
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I'm either incredibly flattered or worried that you're from the health department.
15
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See you brought your friends.
16
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Thanks for noticing.
17
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Ah, yes
18
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And this is Red, Homo, Homo, and Boy.
19
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Welcome, I'm Milo. If you need anything, I'm here to serve you.
20
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Actually, the waiters are here to serve you. I'm here to overcharge you.
21
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It's nice to see you.
22
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Now I know why we're here.
23
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You like him!
24
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-Hey!
-Shut up!
25
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Shut up!!
26
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He's cute. You should ask him out.
27
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What? You mean like on a date?
28
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Oh, I don't know. I've been married to Stan for so long,
29
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the last time I was on a date, Bush was president and we were about to go to war with Iraq.
30
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Don't worry, Kare. It's like riding a bicycle...
31
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Only you're naked. And the seat's off.
32
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You can't borrow my bike anymore.
33
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Karen, go ahead, ask him.
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He was totally giving you the green light.
35
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You think?
36
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Yes.
37
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Yeah, even I saw it, and I'm unconscious.
38
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Go, go, go. Get over there.
39
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Yeah. Yeah.
40
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How do I look?
41
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Here, let me see. Make up: flawless. Hair: fabulous. Breasts...
42
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I'm jealous. Now go.
43
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All right, if I'm not back in ten minutes, you can have my drink.
44
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Oh, God, what am I saying?! That's crazy.
45
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Ah, look at her.
46
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She's all flirty and shy. Like a teenage girl.
47
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Yeah. Are you there, God? It's me, Satan.
48
00:03:06,823 --> 00:03:14,162
Hey, guess what? While we were at Elliot's game, I signed us up for a gay soccer team.
49
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What?!
50
00:03:14,827 --> 00:03:19,227
Now, before you pee-pee it...
51
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Just take a moment and think about it. It might be fun.
52
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What? Forget it. No, I don't do sports.
53
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I mean, sure I'll flip through a Sports Illustrated if it's already in the bathroom...
54
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and I'm already happy to see it. But that's where I draw the line.
55
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Gay soccer isn't sports, silly.
56
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It's cute guys in shorts runnin' around kickin' balls.
57
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It's a gay bar on astro-turf.
58
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You know, you should do it. You might meet someone.
59
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And you do like the way your legs look in shorts.
60
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I really do.
61
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But I don't know. Soccer? I mean, what color are the uniforms?
62
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Powder blue with white accents and lemon piping
63
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Cotton?
64
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Cotton-poly blend, very shiny, lotta movement.
65
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Sounds cute.
66
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Ooh, ooh, I can wear my tinted lenses. I'm in.
67
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Anyway, I was thinking, maybe sometime... You and I could-- I don't--
68
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Taste this.
69
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Mmm, mmm. Mmm! Oh, yum.
70
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-So it's not spoiled?
-Huh?!
71
00:04:36,180 --> 00:04:40,194
Oh, you're fun. You wanna-- you wanna go out sometime?
72
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You'd go out with me?
73
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Why wouldn't I?
74
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You're charming and handsome and sexy.
75
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Oh, so you picked up on that?
76
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I'd love to.
77
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Oh, um... By the way, you just took two of my amphetamines.
78
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79
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Huh. Maybe we should warm up too.
80
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Yeah.
81
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Me may my moe moo...
82
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I call the blonde in blue....
83
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I saw him before you....
84
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You the new guys?
85
00:05:24,130 --> 00:05:27,579
Yeah. Hi. I'm Jack, that's Will.
86
00:05:27,579 --> 00:05:28,832
I'm Kirk, the captain.
87
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Oh, so you're Captain Kirk.
88
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Right.
89
00:05:32,620 --> 00:05:38,234
Who do we play first, the Romulans or the Klingons?
90
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All right, listen up.
91
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We're gonna run a few drills, then we're gonna break into teams and do a quick scrimmage.
92
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All right, ladies. Let's go, let's go.
93
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What? Play? Now?
94
00:05:49,220 --> 00:05:51,520
Well, don't worry. Like you said, it's gay soccer.
95
00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:56,069
We'll probably just run over there and compare Tony predictions.
96
00:05:56,069 --> 00:05:57,462
I think it's going to be Hairspray.
97
00:05:57,462 --> 00:06:00,463
Hey, hey, hey. Save it for the game.
98
00:06:00,463 --> 00:06:05,394
99
00:06:05,394 --> 00:06:09,094
Everyone was running and kicking and pushing each other over.
100
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It's supposed to be gay soccer.
101
00:06:10,495 --> 00:06:17,300
Where were the lingering hugs, the affectionate ass pats? The catchy team theme song?
102
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Can't believe you didn't do better. You're so athletic.
103
00:06:27,958 --> 00:06:29,758
Yeah, yeah, laugh it up.
104
00:06:29,758 --> 00:06:34,258
Look at my nose! My whole face is thrown off now. It's completely asymmetrical.
105
00:06:34,258 --> 00:06:40,473
I'm like a Picasso. Or-or-or Shannen Doherty.
106
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Oh, I'm sure you'll do better the next time.
107
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There ain't gonna be no next time, I quit. I'm turning in my uniform.
108
00:06:46,150 --> 00:06:50,881
Actually, I'm turning it into a tank top. It just looks better without the sleeves.
109
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Don't sew when you're this angry.
110
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Worst of all, Jack is like a superstar.
111
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The guy can't figure out when to step off an escalator, but he's a genius with a soccer ball.
112
00:07:01,169 --> 00:07:02,569
Will someone talk to this kid?
113
00:07:02,569 --> 00:07:04,319
He's thinkin' about quitting the team.
114
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Yeah, because I'm awful.
115
00:07:05,919 --> 00:07:12,250
They even have a new nickname for me on the team... Awful.
116
00:07:12,250 --> 00:07:20,809
I give up. I throw up my hands and jut out my hip.
117
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You know what, when I was your age, there were a lot of kids who said I couldn't kiss.
118
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But did I quit kissing? I did not. I stuck with it.
119
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I made out with every guy who would have me.
120
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And today...
121
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Not you, Whora Flynn Boyle!
122
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He needs to hear it from someone who understands,
123
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someone who's as bad as he is. Will.
124
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What?
125
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Go talk to him.
126
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-I'm not going to--
-Yeah. Shh-- Go talk to him.
127
00:08:06,627 --> 00:08:13,027
Okay, Elliot, look. Some of my biggest regrets are the things that I didn't follow through on.
128
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You know, like when I gave up the role of Kenickie in my high school production of Grease,
129
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because I was afraid to jump off the car during "Grease Lightning."
130
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Do you think a day goes by where I don't think about that?
131
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God, I hope so.
132
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You see, he learned his lesson.
133
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That's why you don't see him quittin' our team.
134
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Even though he stinks so bad...
135
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that I, his best friend, am forced to make jokes behind his back.
136
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Yeah, Will, you're sticking with it even though you suck?
137
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Yes, I am.
138
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Wow, well, then-- then I guess I can do that too. Thanks.
139
00:09:00,435 --> 00:09:01,935
You know, that car was really high up,
140
00:09:01,935 --> 00:09:04,936
and I don't think a little stepladder would've made my move any less dramatic.
141
00:09:04,936 --> 00:09:10,771
142
00:09:10,771 --> 00:09:11,972
Morning, campers.
143
00:09:11,972 --> 00:09:12,703
Hi, Kare.
144
00:09:12,703 --> 00:09:15,721
So how was your date?! I didn't hear from you all weekend!
145
00:09:15,721 --> 00:09:18,521
Well, honey, I wanted to call you, but I lost your number.
146
00:09:18,521 --> 00:09:24,287
And do you know how many "Grace Johnsons" there are in the phone book?
147
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Come on! We want details.
148
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Was he sweet? Was he charming? Does he have a gay brother?
149
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Or better yet, does he have a straight brother who drinks a lot?
150
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Oh, kids. It was amazing.
151
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We talked. We laughed. He walked me home. He was such a gentleman.
152
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He opened the door for me. I opened my shirt for him.
153
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He gave me a little kiss, and we said good night.
154
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Karen and Milo sittin' in a tree.
155
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K-I-S-I-N-G-- Wait--
156
00:10:00,642 --> 00:10:04,030
So, when you gonna see him again? 'Cause you know, it's all about the second date,
157
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or as I like to refer to it, "The date when you can slowly let your stomach out."
158
00:10:09,136 --> 00:10:12,143
Well, uh, he said he would call.
159
00:10:12,143 --> 00:10:13,067
But it's been three days.
160
00:10:13,067 --> 00:10:16,068
Oh, look who's suddenly a math whiz.
161
00:10:16,068 --> 00:10:18,042
162
00:10:18,042 --> 00:10:22,702
Oh. Well. What d'ya know?
163
00:10:22,702 --> 00:10:42,731
Hello? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Mmm... I bet you do. Mm-hmm. Okay, okay.
164
00:10:42,731 --> 00:10:43,928
Who was it?
165
00:10:43,928 --> 00:10:49,192
Someone looking for a designer; I didn't catch their name.
166
00:10:49,192 --> 00:10:53,892
You know... I feel moody. I think I'm gonna go change my blood.
167
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Into a Bloody Mary.
168
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He's gonna call, right?
169
00:11:00,169 --> 00:11:02,070
Absolutely.
170
00:11:02,070 --> 00:11:05,594
171
00:11:05,594 --> 00:11:08,404
Truman. I didn't think you'd come back.
172
00:11:08,404 --> 00:11:14,404
Well... I was gonna quit, but I wanna set an example for a young friend of mine.
173
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I'm trying to show him that sticking with something, even though you're not good at it, is its own reward.
174
00:11:18,789 --> 00:11:20,468
Oh. Well, if you really want me to put you in the game--
175
00:11:20,468 --> 00:11:23,067
God, no! I don't want to play!
176
00:11:23,067 --> 00:11:25,509
What are you gonna do? Sit on the sidelines with your needlepoint?
177
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Nooo. I brought a picnic basket.
178
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Okay, princesses, huddle up.
179
00:11:32,558 --> 00:11:38,471
180
00:11:38,471 --> 00:11:40,671
Okay, these guys are tough.
181
00:11:40,671 --> 00:11:46,571
But if we can beat this hetero team, we may one day achieve our dream of beating the lesbians.
182
00:11:46,571 --> 00:11:50,056
All right, now come on. Let's wipe the field up with these candy-ass breeders.
183
00:11:50,056 --> 00:11:52,057
Neiman Marcus!
184
00:11:52,057 --> 00:11:57,823
185
00:11:57,823 --> 00:11:59,393
Sorry you're not gonna play.
186
00:11:59,393 --> 00:12:05,497
Don't you worry about me. You just get out there and win one for the lisper.
187
00:12:05,497 --> 00:12:09,598
I think I'll start with olive tapenade on a bagel chip.
188
00:12:09,598 --> 00:12:17,090
189
00:12:17,090 --> 00:12:18,032
Finally, tonight--
190
00:12:18,032 --> 00:12:21,480
Hey. I wanna talk to you.
191
00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:23,306
We have a roasted tomato vegetable--
192
00:12:23,306 --> 00:12:24,740
Hey!
193
00:12:24,740 --> 00:12:26,197
May I finish here, please?
194
00:12:26,197 --> 00:12:29,256
Fine. Finish.
195
00:12:29,256 --> 00:12:32,928
Soup.
196
00:12:32,928 --> 00:12:36,828
Wow, you are just a real charmer, aren't ya?
197
00:12:36,828 --> 00:12:40,436
What's next? You get them to take their shirts off and then don't call them?
198
00:12:40,436 --> 00:12:44,436
Well, I tried that with table number five, but it sort of ruined their anniversary.
199
00:12:44,436 --> 00:12:46,148
Who are you?
200
00:12:46,148 --> 00:12:48,148
Figures you wouldn't remember. Red.
201
00:12:48,148 --> 00:12:55,992
Of Red, Homo, Homo, and Boy. Karen Walker's friend.
202
00:12:55,992 --> 00:12:58,695
Right. So how is Karen?
203
00:12:58,695 --> 00:13:02,595
Well, if you picked up a phone, you'd know. Or is that not your style?
204
00:13:02,595 --> 00:13:06,457
You know, guys like you just drive me--Is that pie?
205
00:13:06,457 --> 00:13:10,857
Yes, but we call it a galette. That way we can charge $18 for it.
206
00:13:10,857 --> 00:13:12,288
Would you like to try it?
207
00:13:12,288 --> 00:13:19,388
No, I wouldn't. But I'll take a piece to go.
208
00:13:19,388 --> 00:13:22,886
How dare you treat Karen like that?
209
00:13:22,886 --> 00:13:24,165
And how does this concern you?
210
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I'm her friend and a woman. And I'm here on behalf of all women.
211
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Except her. She's on her own.
212
00:13:34,085 --> 00:13:37,385
How do you expect to earn anyone's trust, if you don't keep your word?
213
00:13:37,385 --> 00:13:39,885
Could we believe anything you say?
214
00:13:39,885 --> 00:13:45,385
I mean, look, it says that the special of the night is monkfish cooked in a saffron sauce.
215
00:13:45,385 --> 00:13:51,630
Is it? Or is it just a giant turd cooked in poison?
216
00:13:51,630 --> 00:13:53,531
It's not.
217
00:13:53,531 --> 00:13:57,230
218
00:13:57,230 --> 00:13:59,506
Look, I am trying to run a business here.
219
00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:01,262
You said you would call her.
220
00:14:01,262 --> 00:14:03,162
Yes, and that made her happy.
221
00:14:03,162 --> 00:14:05,162
She went home thinking that I was still interested.
222
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She also went home thinking people work in toll booths because they have tails.
223
00:14:12,444 --> 00:14:16,169
What do you mean, you're not interested in her? I mean, what's wrong with her?
224
00:14:16,169 --> 00:14:19,183
Well, first of all... she's a little old for me.
225
00:14:19,183 --> 00:14:20,303
She's exactly your age.
226
00:14:20,303 --> 00:14:23,703
That's what I'm saying, she's a little old for me.
227
00:14:23,703 --> 00:14:27,650
And when I kissed her good night, I just didn't feel anything.
228
00:14:27,650 --> 00:14:34,551
Listen, mister, I've kissed Karen more times than I can count.
229
00:14:34,551 --> 00:14:40,149
And every single time, I felt somethin'.
230
00:14:40,149 --> 00:14:43,423
Perhaps it was you. Let's investigate.
231
00:14:43,423 --> 00:14:44,385
You're a pig!
232
00:14:44,385 --> 00:14:47,357
Oh, so you picked up on that?
233
00:14:47,357 --> 00:14:48,222
You know what?
234
00:14:48,222 --> 00:14:48,689
What?
235
00:14:48,689 --> 00:14:52,189
This little playboy shtick of yours is gettin' old.
236
00:14:52,189 --> 00:14:58,461
You know someday, very soon, you're gonna wake up, and you're gonna find yourself very alone.
237
00:14:58,461 --> 00:14:59,962
Hey.
238
00:14:59,962 --> 00:15:05,208
239
00:15:05,208 --> 00:15:15,805
Well, maybe not very soon. But it's gonna happen. Good day.
240
00:15:15,805 --> 00:15:18,005
Milo said that I could have a piece of pie.
241
00:15:18,005 --> 00:15:28,044
And a Cornish game hen. I'll be outside.
242
00:15:28,044 --> 00:15:30,020
Hmm. Look's pretty tasty. Way to hustle.
243
00:15:30,020 --> 00:15:32,699
Oh, thank you. Lorna Doone?
244
00:15:32,699 --> 00:15:34,451
I'll take some of that
245
00:15:34,451 --> 00:15:36,185
Don't you have a game today?
246
00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:40,546
Uh, yeah, probably starting right about now. I quit.
247
00:15:40,546 --> 00:15:46,046
What? What happened to sticking with something, with not quitting just because it's hard?
248
00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:49,653
You know? I thought we had a good talk the other night. I thought I was a role model for you.
249
00:15:49,653 --> 00:15:54,313
I see you, like, once every eight months.
250
00:15:54,313 --> 00:15:57,313
Still... I ever saw you as a quitter.
251
00:15:57,313 --> 00:16:03,513
You know, I mean, look at me. I'm no good at this, but here I am working my ass off just--
252
00:16:03,513 --> 00:16:07,828
just waitin' to get in there. Waitin'!
253
00:16:07,828 --> 00:16:09,672
Truman, Carlo's hurt.
254
00:16:09,672 --> 00:16:12,952
I'm hurt!
255
00:16:12,952 --> 00:16:13,744
Get in there.
256
00:16:13,744 --> 00:16:20,202
What? But-but-but I'm picnicking. Can't you send someone else, like-like this kid?
257
00:16:20,202 --> 00:16:22,756
No way, man. You're my role model.
258
00:16:22,756 --> 00:16:28,366
You're in, Truman. Wrap that biscotti in parchment paper and get out there.
259
00:16:28,366 --> 00:16:30,067
But I just dipped it in espresso!
260
00:16:30,067 --> 00:16:32,899
261
00:16:32,899 --> 00:16:37,299
McFarland! I know Betty McUseless is your friend, but don't pass to him.
262
00:16:37,299 --> 00:16:39,500
If we win, we get free facials at Sonya Dakar.
263
00:16:39,500 --> 00:16:41,788
-And a basket of scented candles.
-Oh, my God...
264
00:16:41,788 --> 00:16:43,789
I'm not about to blow that.
265
00:16:43,789 --> 00:16:49,762
266
00:16:49,762 --> 00:16:51,045
Hey, Karen.
267
00:16:51,045 --> 00:16:54,546
Oh, Grace. You've been awfully quiet.
268
00:16:54,546 --> 00:16:58,672
269
00:16:58,672 --> 00:17:01,432
I've been gone for two hours.
270
00:17:01,432 --> 00:17:05,032
Heh-heh. You're funny.
271
00:17:05,032 --> 00:17:15,732
Uh, listen, I don't mean to sound negative, and I shouldn't because I'm taking six different pills so I won't, but--
272
00:17:15,732 --> 00:17:20,406
Uh, do you think it's weird that Milo hasn't called?
273
00:17:20,406 --> 00:17:22,614
Sweetie, I don't think he's gonna call.
274
00:17:22,614 --> 00:17:25,641
�ֿ�?
275
00:17:25,641 --> 00:17:31,841
Look, I didn't want to tell you this because I was afraid it would hurt your feelings, but--
276
00:17:31,841 --> 00:17:34,115
Milo is sick.
277
00:17:34,115 --> 00:17:36,497
Sick? Oh, my gosh, I better call him.
278
00:17:36,497 --> 00:17:43,946
No, no, no, no, no. He can't talk to you because he's, uh, he's... he's had his throat removed.
279
00:17:43,946 --> 00:17:47,646
Doy! Well, that explains it.
280
00:17:47,646 --> 00:17:55,269
Well, wait a minute... then, what's holding up his head?
281
00:17:55,269 --> 00:17:57,369
Good question.
282
00:17:57,369 --> 00:18:04,744
Yeah, I asked the same thing. Um, there's this... stick-like apparatus.
283
00:18:04,744 --> 00:18:10,241
Uh-huh, uh-huh. I'm familiar....
284
00:18:10,241 --> 00:18:14,941
And... the head... is propped on--
285
00:18:14,941 --> 00:18:21,841
Okay, okay, look, Karen, um, I just came from over there, and...
286
00:18:21,841 --> 00:18:24,042
Milo doesn't want to see you anymore.
287
00:18:24,042 --> 00:18:31,787
288
00:18:31,787 --> 00:18:39,097
He just is-- He doesn't like the--
289
00:18:39,097 --> 00:18:43,487
Karen, he just doesn't see how wonderful you are.
290
00:18:43,487 --> 00:18:48,387
And I know that's hard 'cause this is the first date that you've had in a long time, but--
291
00:18:48,387 --> 00:18:53,295
But don't let it put you off, because someone out there will.
292
00:18:53,295 --> 00:18:56,295
Well, thanks, honey. But I'm a big girl, I can take it.
293
00:18:56,295 --> 00:18:59,369
Tell me what he said.
294
00:18:59,369 --> 00:19:02,564
He said you were too old.
295
00:19:02,564 --> 00:19:05,065
Oh. Well, now I'm glad his head's on a stick.
296
00:19:05,065 --> 00:19:14,031
297
00:19:14,031 --> 00:19:21,077
You know, it's strange how things have changed for the two of us over the last year.
298
00:19:21,077 --> 00:19:25,277
I'm a married lady giving out dating advice.
299
00:19:25,277 --> 00:19:28,150
Now you're the single girl, starting your life over.
300
00:19:28,150 --> 00:19:30,510
Mm-hmm
301
00:19:30,510 --> 00:19:31,436
I like it.
302
00:19:31,436 --> 00:19:36,370
I hate it.
303
00:19:36,370 --> 00:19:38,371
I know you do.
304
00:19:38,371 --> 00:19:42,259
305
00:19:42,259 --> 00:19:46,160
Here I am. I'm the mean machine. I'm fast and lean. I'm--
306
00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:51,660
What rhymes with lean? Penis?
307
00:19:51,660 --> 00:19:54,721
I just said penis.
308
00:19:54,721 --> 00:19:57,522
What am I doing again?
Oh, soccer! Right.
309
00:19:57,522 --> 00:20:07,309
310
00:20:07,309 --> 00:20:11,105
Huh. How did the Q-Tip miss that?
311
00:20:11,105 --> 00:20:15,105
Oh, look at him. Lonely girl.
312
00:20:15,105 --> 00:20:18,353
I should pass to him. It'd make him feel good.
313
00:20:18,353 --> 00:20:20,153
Don't pass it to me.
314
00:20:20,153 --> 00:20:25,771
Please, if there's a God, do not pass it to me.
315
00:20:25,771 --> 00:20:29,572
Oh, god, it's coming to me. Run away!
316
00:20:29,572 --> 00:20:43,480
24960
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