All language subtitles for Caffeine (2006) 1080p

* She don't mind,
shakes it all the time

* Like the monkeys off her back

* You got time, man
she got the crime

* Gonna get while she can

* Live like you're
gonna die tomorrow

* Wild, like you
are the final flame

* White flash into the dark

* Before the rain
comes thundering down *

- Ah, Rachel, what the
hell are you doing?

- I want you out of here now!

- All right, calm down,
darling, calm down.

- You have no
business being here.

- I work here.

- Not anymore you don't.

- It mean you're fired
that's what it means.

- But Rachel, where
am I supposed to go?

You kicked me out of the flat,

I need the rest of my clothes.

- I'm keeping the
rest of your clothes,

so I can burn them!

- Fuck you, Rachel,
this is ridiculous.

You can't run a
restaurant without a chef!

- That is not your
concern anymore.

- Look, I know you're
upset, darling.

But don't you think you're going

a little tiny bit over the top?

- Do you actually remember
what you told me last night?

- You had a threesome, you
had sex with two girls.

As is having sex with
one isn't bad enough.

You had to do it with two!

- It doesn't count as two
though, does it darling.

- It happened at the same time.

So it's one indiscretion with
each girl counting as half!

If anything, it's better
than one normal one

because it shows there were
no real emotions involved.

- Get out!

- Rachel please!

- Get out.

No emotion.

- Have you been having
sex with someone in here?

- Right, that's it, I
want you out of here now.

And if you so much as
set foot inside my cafe,

I'm calling the police.

- All right, I'm
gonna stand out here

until you have calmed down.

- Good morning.

Oh,
what lovely roses.

They're all dead!

- Grandma, Grandma,
how are you doing?

Look, Grandma,

you're not really
supposed to be here, okay?

Just sit here quietly.

I'll go get you a nice
cup of tea, right?

I'll be right back.

My God, do I feel
like crap today.

- I know, me too.

- Remind me the next time Dylan

suggests an after-hours drink,
to punch him in the face.

- I feel like someone
shat in my mouth.

- Oh that's nice.

I just saw him half naked
out in the corridor.

- Rachel kicked
him out last night.

- No!

- Yeah don't you remember,
they'd a screaming row,

and then she told him she'd
never want to see him again.

- Bloody hell, I thought
they were the perfect couple.

- Well, they were, except that
he was fucking other people.

- Morning, Tom.

- Morning.

- Oh, Tom, would you mind
doing the cooking today?

Yeah, is that okay?

- I'll do my best, but--

- Right, I thought we'd
do a lasagna special.

- Mike.

- You know I really
think I'm too stoned

to be here right now, Danny.

- You need to relax, man.

- It's just that I'm beginning
to feel extremely anxious.

Mike?

- Why are you, why are you
looking at me like that?

- Man, I'm just wondering
what's with the hat.

I'm single for the first
time in four years,

I'm not gonna pull with
a shit haircut Danny.

- I don't know,
let's have a look.

It looks the same
as it always does.

Like shit.

- Danny, don't look now, but
there's a woman over there.

She's really strange looking,
she's just staring at me.

I told you not to look.

- Wow, I mean do you
think if I went over there

and sat in that
chair opposite her,

she'd think I was sitting
on top of the person

she's talking to?

- I don't know, she's
freaking me out.

- Dylan.

Charlie's gone, I'm having
to do all the cooking.

Do you think you'd like to
join us for work at all today?

- I feel like shit.

- It's not fair.

- I'm waiting for my
agent to call, okay?

I'll be there in a minute.

- I'll tell Rachel.

- Would you give me a break.

I'll be there in a minute!

Geez, you're like my mother!

Rachel?

Davies
is coming in today.

Does it have to be today?

Yeah why,
is there a problem?

- No, no, that's
fine, at what time?

Don't
know, it could be any

time this afternoon.

- Well, you will let me
know what time, won't you?

Sure I'll try.

- Okay, thanks.

Shit!

- I knew I shouldn't
have had that spliff

before lunch time,
it's too early for me.

Honestly, where did you
get that stuff, Danny?

- Julian.

- The guy's a maniac.

He pumps his stuff
with all kinds of shit.

God knows what was in it.

- Yeah I know, it's
what makes it great.

- Give me strength, what
are you trying to do to me?

You get me stoned off
me tits and bring me to

a place full of freaks.

Now she's coming over.

- All right, mate, calm down.

Okay.

I'm starting to get upset.

- Mike, I think you're having
a paranoia attack, mate.

No shit.

- You are unbelievable.

- Don't blame Tom,
we've got customers,

you should be in there.

- I'm waiting for my agent
to call, Rachel, okay?

We were supposed to talk to
the publishers on Wednesday.

Today is Friday.

- I'm sure he'll call
when he's got something

to tell you, get in.

- You're such an ass.

- I don't see why
we have to work

while you sit on
your ass all day?

You're not the only one with a
splitting headache, you know!

- It started since you split
up with what's-her-name,

and you started acting
like a such fuck up case.

- Excuse me, correct
me if I'm wrong Danny,

but wasn't it you that
told me to split with her

in the first place.

- No, I said you
shouldn't get married.

- Basically amounting
to the same thing.

- Yeah, but what's that
about, giving you ultimatums?

Women know that no man
in their right mind

wants to get married ever.

They only do it 'cause
they're put under

immense psychological
and emotional pressure.

Why is it women spend
their entire lives

dreaming about weddings

and men avoid them for
as long as possible?

- I don't know.

- Because the old concept is
completely female-orientated.

It's a celebration of female
victory over the male, mate.

- At least it's better than
being alone and miserable

for the rest of your life.

- Oh, bollocks, mate.

You need to learn to go out
and enjoy the single life.

I bet she is.

I bet you she is
going out right now,

getting laid by every
Tom, Dick, and Harry

she can get her filthy hands on.

- Women are like that, mate.

They act like,

"Oh, I'm gonna crumble
and die if you break up

"with me!", bullshit!

She is going out,
having great sex

with a variety of partners,
doing all the weird sort

of experimental shit she
could never do with you.

- Could you just please
shut up, all right?

- Mate, I'm just trying to help.

- Don't help.

- All right, here you go.

You'd better get a move on,
we're starting to fall behind.

- How am I meant
to do all these?

- My God, Tom, what
the hell is that?

- Well do you have to read
while we're sitting together?

- I told you I was gonna read.

You invited yourself along.

- Because I thought that you
might want to talk to me.

- I did talk to you,
we had a nice chat.

Now I'm reading, why don't
you get yourself a paper?

Can I get a latte, please?

- No, that's it.

- That's a good book.

- Yes, it is.

- The business with the
waiter, he was eyeing you up.

- He was mentally undressing
you, it's disgusting.

- He was doing his job,
don't be ridiculous.

Yeah.

Where are you going?

- I'm gonna take a piss.

Can you just see if
you can go for a couple

of minutes without
flirting with any strangers

while I'm gone?

- I can't give that
to a customer, Tom.

It smells like old vomit.

What's it meant to be, anyway?

- That's lasagna.

Are you joking?

- I'm not a chef, what
do you want from me?

- I mean I thought gay men are
supposed to be able to cook.

- That's conventional.

- Here, smell that.

- It's meant to be lasagna.

- Well nobody complained
about it on Tuesday!

I tried to freshen it up a bit!

My God, I'm doing
the best I can under

very difficult
circumstances, please!

- Rachel, smell that.

Tom says it's meant
to be lasagna.

- Out of interest,
is anyone planning

on doing the washing up?

- Why don't you do
it for a change?

- I wash up.

- I can't serve
that to a customer.

- You don't wash up!

- Does that look
like lasagna to you?

- Willy, Charlie!

- People, please!

I can't cope with you acting
like small children today.

I know we all feel
like utter shit,

but we're just gonna
have to pull together.

Charlie's gone and
he's not coming back

so ontil I can replace him,

we're just gonna
have to make do.

- You know I just
saw him outside

we could ask him to come in.

- Well he's not to
come in, is that clear?

Yeah, yup.

- All right go on, Tom.

You help with the customers.

Tell them we're out
of the pasta special.

- Bloody twat.

- Dylan.

- We've got a real nut job.

Table six, you'll
have to deal with her.

- No, no chance.

- Oh come on, I
always have to handle

the weirdos in this place.

- No let's just let
her sit there man,

she'll get bored and leave.

- You two are a couple
of pussies, aren't you?

She's my grandmother.

- Isn't she a little
freaky lookin'?

- Oh well let's see
what you look like

when you spend half your
life in an institution.

- No, she doesn't.

And you'd better
not tell her either,

unless you want these tongs
to become a permanent part

of your anatomy.

- Wait until she gets here.

- You need to cheer up.

Okay, find yourself
a random girl.

Shag her, dump her.

And that ought to
sort you right.

Out.

Oh good God.

Mate, I think
your luck just came in.

- The table over there,
right behind you.

Do you recognize that bird?

No, who is she?

- Mate, she's a
bloody porn actress.

Wait here, I'm gonna
go talk to her for you.

- Don't be insane,
what are you gonna say?

- I'm gonna tell
her, I've got a mate

who has just split up
with his girlfriend

and needs a little
female company.

- No, no, no, you
can't say that.

Sure I can.

- You know I think the drugs
have fucked with your brain.

- Rubbish, I'm going over there.

- Don't do it, it's gonna
end in tears, probably mine.

- Hi there.

- Hello.

- Look I uh,

I hope you don't mind
me coming over here

or anything, but, uh,

I just had to tell you that I,

really love your work.

I mean, I think that
you bring pleasure

to a lot of men,
myself included.

- You know, with the
films that you are in.

- No, I don't know.

- Yeah, you do, you do!

There was that one you
did, it was brilliant.

Walking to the men's song
and end up being shagged

by three blokes.

- Hi.

- Nothing mate, we're just--

- This guy has mistaken
me for someone else.

- Really, are you sure--

- She said that you
had the wrong person.

- Oh, right.

Okay, yes.

Sorry about that,
that's, uh, fair enough.

Didn't mean to...

Sorry, mate.

- Wrong girl, apparently.

- You fucking knob.

- Yeah, I'm fine.

- He's not worth it, you know.

- It's not just Charlie.

- I've applied for
a job at the Marion.

- The Marion, bloody hell.

- Yeah, the manager
position was up.

I've had two interviews,
and now the owner wants to

come here to check out the cafe.

He's coming today.

Like he couldn't
come any other day.

- Christ, Rachel.

- Am I hallucinating or
was that guy insinuating

that you were in a dirty movie?

- I think he might
have been yeah.

Maybe I should just go
over there right now

and put him straight.

- It was a mistake, Mark,
just forget about it.

- Forget about it, I mean,
it's not true, is it?

Of course it's not true.

- You're serious, you want
me to swear on my life?

If it's not true,
swear on your life.

- Because I don't
swear on my life.

Well why not?

- Because I don't.

- Okay fine, then don't.

Just look me in the eye and
tell me that it's not true.

- Oh for God sake's, Mark.

It's not true!

- Mark!

- Don't lie to me, I know
when you're lying to me!

- Shit.

- I mean, you weren't supposed
to find out like this.

- How could you do
something like this?

- It was just to make
some extra money.

It was the only way
I could get enough

to stay on at university

and finish my Comparative
Literature degree.

- Jesus Christ,
what are you doing?

- Don't be so melodramatic,
it was only sex!

- Ssshht, don't say that word.

Okay look, just tell me,

how many men did you
fuck in these things?

- I don't know.

- You don't know, what do
you mean you don't know?

- I mean I don't know!

- I've never known a girl
shag so many men in one go.

It must be some sort of record.

- God, oh my God, oh my God!

- Calm down, Mark,
you're making a scene.

- I'm perfectly fucking
calm, all right?

I'm just trying to
find out how many men

that you have fucked
in these things.

I mean you do realize that
when you fuck men for money,

it effectively
makes you a whore!

Mark!

- A filthy fucking whore!

- Sir, you cannot shout
like that in here.

- You want me to leave so that
you can fuck my girlfriend,

is that it?

- What no, look, I don't
want to fuck your girlfriend.

- Oh, really, all right.

So, who here wants to have
sex with my girlfriend, huh?

Come on, who wants
her ass, come on!

What's going on?

- Vanessa, I'm
handling it, thank you.

- I was going to
ask you to marry me,

can you believe that?

I wanted you to be the
mother of my children.

- Oh, look at that, he had
your whole life planned out

and everything,
what a great guy.

- You stay out of this,

this has absolutely
nothing to do with you.

- Tell me, is it in your nature

to be this controlling

or are you just compensating
for having a small penis?

What?

- Vanessa, enough.

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask
you to take it outside, okay?

- Mark, why don't you go outside

and see if you can
find some perspective?

- Yeah, fine, thanks.

- You really need
to grow yourself

a decent size pair of
balls, you know that Dylan?

- Vanessa, the guy
left, didn't he?

- Yeah, he needed
a good walloping.

- That was really something.

I mean The way you
single-handedly fucked up that

couple's entire
relationship Danny.

That's quite impressive.

- Mate, it's not my
fault if they can't deal

with their own shit.

I mean, what's that
guy's problem anyway?

So, his girlfriend
is a porn actress.

For one thing, she's probably
extremely uninhibited in bed.

I bet you she's up for
all sorts of weird shit.

- Toilet.

- No, you can't
leave me on me own.

- Oh don't be ridiculous,
I'll be two minutes.

No seriously
I want to...

- You think you can just
do whatever you want

and not be punished for
it, is that what you think?

You sick pervert.

You'll suffer for what you've
done, you're disgusting.

You should be locked up.

You sick pervert!

- Grandma, what the
hell are you doing?

- It's the handling
and the mistreatment.

* Woohoo, woohoo

* Come on, come on

* Woohoo, woohoo

* Come on, come on

- Excuse me, can I have
a table for two, please?

- Sure.

Please follow.

Here we go.

- Thank you.

- I'm telling you Danny,
you didn't hear the way

she was talking to me.

She told me I was
going to suffer.

- What would you listen
to her for, the woman

is clearly insane.

- I'm not going back in there.

- Fuck off!

I'm not sitting in the
toilets all day mate.

No.

It's your fault!

- It's not my fault.

- It is your fault 'cause you
got me too stoned, didn't you?

I can't, I can't deal
with this shit, Danny.

Not now, not...

It's not funny, I've got a
pain down in me left arm.

I could be having a mild
heart attack, you don't know.

- Okay, mate, calm down.

* You could be my monkey lady

* Ditch your ride
and turn around

* Every city, every town

* Looking for what we have found

* You could be my monkey, baby

* I wanna be your monkey, baby

- Hello, Tom.

- Hello, Charlie.

- Not great.

- Right.

- She says you're
not allowed in.

So you have to wait outside.

- All right, mate.

Tom, have you got
any idea about this?

I found it in Rachel's office.

- No.

* Come on, come on

* Woohoo, woohoo

- Thanks Tom.

- Excuse me.

* Come on, come on

* Woohoo, woohoo

* Come on, come on

Laura?

- You must be Steve.

- I'm relieved I can tell you.

I was worried that Sean
wasn't gonna set me up

with the right minger.

I'd have to dart out the door.

- Right.

- How long do you think
this guy is gonna be?

- Why, have you
gotta take a dump?

No.

- Then why don't
you use the urinal?

- I wanna use the cubicle.

I don't much like taking my
penis out in front of other men.

What are you worried
about, is it?

- I'm not worried
about anything, Danny.

I just find the whole
situation a bit uncomfortable.

How we're just
expected to stand there

and expose our bits.

- You're afraid of getting
an erection, aren't you?

- I'm not afraid of that.

- I reckon that's what it is,
you're afraid you'll catch

sight of another man's penis

and you'll sprout
a giant erection.

- So mature.

- Mike, there's nothing
wrong with being gay.

It's perfectly normal.

- I never said there was
anything wrong with being gay,

did I?

- So have you been
waiting long then?

- Not too long, no.

- Oh, good, I thought I might've
been a bit late, you know.

I've just been out
buying myself a new gun.

Don't worry, I'm not
a nutter or anything.

It's for pigeons, mostly, poof!

I kill a lot of pigeons
around our house, you know.

Cropping on the roof.

And them squirrels, poof!

Dirty little bastards.

It's the latest model,
12-gauge double barrel shotgun.

- Sounds nice.

- It's great, you'd love it.

I'll show it to you if you
like, it's just in the car.

- No, that's all right, thanks.

- Uh, not massively, no.

- Sometimes I wish I was gay.

- The one way to avoid the
gender-divide nightmare.

Think about it, never having
to second-guess a woman.

Never having to, you
know, worry about

what you're gonna say

that was gonna annoy
her or turn her off you.

- Right, but then if you're gay,

you've gotta deal with
getting shagged up the ass.

Are you all right with that?

- Yeah.

At least I know I was gonna
get shagged up the ass.

Won't be that uncertainty
that you have with women.

The question hanging over.

Will we, won't we,
will we, won't we?

Yeah I reckon I could go out
there tonight, find a bloke

and pretty much rest assure
I'd get shagged right up

my back passage.

- Hello.

- Oh, I actually shared a
flat with him, you know.

Back in the day.

Do you remember when he
used to work as a clown

in children's parties?

- Yeah sure.

What was he like to live with?

Was he fun?

- Oh, you don't want
to know about that.

- Yeah, I do, go on.

- Well, I shouldn't really
say this, but the truth is

Sean spent most of his time

masturbating.

- Any chance he would get,
morning, noon, or night.

It was like he was
addicted or something.

I mean, don't tell him
I told you this, right?

Because he still doesn't know.

But we once hid a video camera
in his room and taped him.

To this day I have in my house

a video tape of Sean wanking.

Gotta be the funniest thing
you've ever seen in your life.

All right.

- How is it you
know Sean, anyway?

- He's my brother-in-law.

- Oh, right.

- I hope you don't mind,
Angela's on her way.

- Oh, right.

We're going on afterwards
to sort out the flowers

for the wedding, turns
out they lost our order.

Can't believe it, a
week before the wedding.

- Poor bastards, I
wouldn't wanna be

in their shoes with
Angela on the war path.

- Yeah, tell me about it.

- Listen, uh, David.

I've got something to show you.

- This arrived on my
doorstep this morning.

- Geez my God, what
the hell is that?

- It's a dead rat, David,
what do you think it is?

- Look, I'm gonna tell you okay,

but first you've
gotta promise me

you're not gonna tell anyone.

Not even Angela,
do you promise me?

- Of course, I promise.

- I remember I used
to go to the Marion

when I was a little girl

and just peer
through the window.

I thought it was
this amazing place.

And I'm so close to getting
this job that all I think about

is that I'll be letting
everyone down here.

I mean my dad managed
this place for years.

He actually died here.

He had a heart attack
right here in this kitchen.

Just feel like I'd be abandoning
everything he worked for.

- Rachel, I really think
you've worked your ass off

here long enough.

Quite frankly, I think you
deserve something more.

- Thanks.

Listen don't tell
the others, okay?

I don't want them
getting all neurotic.

- Yeah, I won't say a word.

- Nothing.

I bet that
guy thinks I'm gay now.

- Well, you did say you
were definitely gonna get

fucked up the ass tonight.

So maybe.

Shit, do
you think I should go

and tell him I'm not gay.

- Who gives a shit if
he thinks you're gay?

I don't like
being misrepresented.

Oh, God.

- Mate, what the hell
are you doing in there?

- Danny, I think I
might have a problem.

- When I go to the toilet,

it kind of comes out
in dribs and drabs.

I think I've got a
problem with me prostate.

I'm scared I might be
developing a cancer.

- But you're not a doctor, Mike,

I mean, you just can't
diagnose yourself with cancer.

- You say that but, I've had
it for about three weeks.

It's not getting any better.

And I put my symptoms
into the internet

and I got 3,000 results
for prostate cancer, so.

- Shit.

- I'm genuinely scared, Danny.

- You should go to a doctor,

I guarantee he'll
tell you it's nothing.

- What are you doing, you
can't smoke that in here.

- Keep your pants on.

- So, I'd just been down the
pub for a couple of pints.

Janey's been a total
nightmare at the moment.

She's all stressed out
about the fucking baby

and everything I just
needed some time by myself.

So, it's about 11:30
and on my way home.

And I really badly
needed a slash.

So, I go down the
alleyway behind the pub,

and I'm just about to have
a piss up against the wall

when I hear someone
coming, right?

- Go on.

- Well, first I
think, shit, you know,

I'm gonna be marked or
murdered or something.

But then I turn around

and there's just this little
girl staring up at me.

And I'm quite freaked out.

I'm looking at her,
and I don't realize

that I have still got

my cock in my hand.

- Well, she just stares
at me for a while,

right, and then she
gets this, like,

weird, like horrified
look comes over her face.

Then she runs off screaming,

"There's a pervert wanking
off down the alleyway."

- Um, yeah.

I'll have a cappuccino, please.

- I'll have a latte, please.

- Sure.

- Thanks.

My God!

So, what did you do?

- Obviously, I got out of
there as fast as I could.

But I was almost home

when a police car pulls me over

and tells me I match the
description of a pervert

they've been looking for.

They took me down the
station and charged me

with public indecency
involving a minor.

- Oh Jesus!

- The girl was 12 years
old, 12 years old,

and she's walking the streets
at that time at night.

It's a disgrace!

- Charlie!

- Hey.

- I'm doing terrible.

Do you know where this
comes from, Dylan?

- No.

- Well I found it on the
floor in Rachel's office.

- Yeah, really.

- And you think she
used it with someone.

- Do I, I don't know.

I can't think about
that at the moment.

- It was a threesome

with two girls.

They were identical
twins, Dylan.

What the fuck I
was supposed to do?

- What the hell did
you tell her for?

- I don't know, I don't know.

Honestly, I just
hated going to her.

I couldn't do it anymore.

And then when the
booze came out,

it just, blah,
blah, blah came out.

More and more and more,
I couldn't stop it.

Truthfully, I
absolutely screwed up,

because I love that girl.

Do you think she's
gonna forgive me?

- It doesn't look good.

I gotta go, take care.

- Yeah, thank you.

- He's over there.

Who?

- Excuse me, I ordered
my salad with--

He's over there!

- Oh, bollocks.

Do you mind?

- I'm so sorry, I don't know
what you're talking about.

- I'm sorry about this.

Did you see
him, he's over there.

- You're gonna get me fired,
do you want to get me fired?

- No, of course not, dear.

Okay, just
sit here all right?

- Nothing.

- She's my grandmother,
she gets one day

out of the home a month,

and it was my turn
to look after her.

I had nowhere else to take here.

- Well she can't stay here.

- Please, Rachel, I
promise you it'll be fine.

You won't have to worry.

, he's there!

- She came home one day
to find her husband of

20 years dressed up as a baby

with a big nappy on, and
being spanked by a prostitute

in a nursemaid's outfit.

- Well look, today's a
big day for me, Vanessa.

Just make sure she
doesn't mess it up, okay?

- Yeah I will.

Tom, I'm gonna
take five minutes.

- Okay.

- I'm telling you, mate,
you should try some of this.

It's good for you.

- How many times do I
have to tell you Danny?

I don't want any of it.

God!

- What the hell is
going on in here?

What, are you doing drugs?

- No.

- No, it's, uh,
it's my friend's.

He uses this for
medical reasons.

- Because...

Do you want to go
for dinner some time?

- Just get out.

- I'm really sorry.

Why did you tell her I
had medical problems?

You had the medical problem.

Besides, you're the one
with the dodgy prostate.

So what about
the thing in the bag?

- It came with a note saying,
"I know where you live."

As if it's perfectly obvious
they know where I live.

They put the packet
in my doorstep.

- Jesus, John, is there
anything I can do to help?

- Well, here's the thing.

When the police arrested
me, I was a bit flustered,

as you can imagine.

So, when they questioned me,

I denied having been
anywhere near the alleyway.

- I told them I was with you.

- You told them
you where with me?

- Yeah, at your house.

- You told them you
were at my house?

- Yeah.

- John, I'm a lawyer!

- That's why I thought of
it, they'd never suspect you.

Now the police are
going to contact me,

and I'm gonna have
to lie to them

and tell them you
were at my house!

- No, no, it's not okay.

What if they found
out I was lying?

I wouldn't be able to
practice law again.

What the hell were you thinking?

- I didn't know what else to do!

Vanessa.

- You're not
supposed to be here.

- Ow, just give me
one second, all right?

I found this in Rachel's office.

- That's nice.

- Of course it's not mine.

- Well it has to
belong to somebody.

I suppose so.

- Look, can you stop
waving that at my face!

I don't know, okay?

But look at the facts.

You tell Rachel you
shagged some other girls.

Ended having a
screaming row with her.

She kicks you out.

After which she goes
up to the office

where she's comforted by Dylan,

and no one sees them
for half an hour.

I mean it doesn't take
a genius, Charlie.

- Oh, Christ.

What did you think?

That there was one rule for
you and another for her?

You know, maybe she
just thought like you.

She fancied a shag and
Dylan was available.

- I can't eat.

I've got no appetite.

I need some salt.

I'm a teacher.

Oh right.

- Bloody hell.

- I don't believe
what I've just seen.

Well?

Right if I tell
you, promise me you're not

going to get upset, okay?

- Laura's here.

As in my Laura?

- Yeah.

- She's over there
behind that pillar.

- Hi, I was wondering if
Sam Harvey's back, yet?

No
I'm afraid he's not.

- Okay well I left
a message earlier.

It's Dylan, tell him
I'll called again.

Uh, it's Dylan?

- Yeah, Dylan.

I've got your
number right here, 7247, right?

- No, no, it's not
7247, it's 7267.

Why do you
think I've got it wrong?

- 'Cause it's my number.

I think I would
know my own number.

Well
right here it says 7247.

- Okay, excuse me, what do
you think is more likely?

That I gave you the
wrong number or that

you wrote it down wrong?

- Before I started my business,

I used to work with this geezer,

and he thought it
was gonna get bad.

And then he said he
wanted to go on his own.

Jesus all right then,
go on your own then.

He goes on his own, and
the next thing I know,

he falls off the roof.

I mean what was all that about?

He ends up in hospital.

He can't work.

- It's definitely her.

- I know.

- Definitely Laura.

- I don't know.

- Bastards.

Bet they're over there
having the time of their life

while I'm sighing here,
suffering in torment.

- He is well built.

Why do I feel like if I
don't get my novel published

my life won't be worth living?

- Oh Dylan, it was only
your first attempt.

- I know.

- A lot of writers wait years
before they get published.

My uncle wrote his whole life,

didn't get published

until he was 81.

- Well that's good to know.

Thank you.

- Sorry.

- Terrible, I feel like someone
took my brain out of my head

and kicked it around for a
while and stuck it back in.

You know, Charlie is still
waiting to talk to you.

- Yeah well he
can wait all year.

- The guy looks absolutely
wrecked, Rachel.

Good!

- You don't think you
should just have a little

conversation with him?

- No.

- I mean he's out there
looking like a homeless person.

Dylan, you're
not gonna make feel guilty.

We'd better get back to work.

- Oh, I'm so hungry I
could eat an entire animal.

Do you know what I mean?

Not those little
vegetarian meals you get

at some of these places eh?

You're not one of
those, are you?

- A vegetarian.

- Actually, I, I am
one of those, yeah.

- That's fair enough.

- As it happens I've met several

and they seem like perfectly
normal people really, so.

- Exactly, I'm not
saying I understand them,

you know, but each to their
own, that's what I say.

God knows I've got some
pretty warped ideas meself.

- What's warped about
being a vegetarian?

- Nothing, I'm just saying.

- That it's warped, not
wanting some animals

to suffer for no good reason?

- I'm not being militant,
I'm just stating an opinion.

- And there's nothing
wrong with a woman having

her own opinions.

- Just what I said, that
there's nothing wrong with it.

- Well of course there's
nothing wrong with it.

- Exactly!

- You know, what you
really want to do is

make her jealous.

- How the hell am
I gonna do that?

- Easy, bet if you got together
with that porn actress,

I bet that would
make her jealous.

- Have you ever suffered
a serious head injury?

- Forget it, I'm not going
to lie to the police.

- Come on, please.

- No, do you have any idea
what Angela would do to me

if she finds out?

- Jesus, that woman
rules your life!

- That is not the point.

- So, what do you
expect me to do?

- I don't know, you're just
gonna have to go back to them

and tell them you
made a mistake.

How do you think
that's gonna look?

They're gonna think
I'm guilty as hell.

- Well maybe you
should've thought

about that before you
decided to show your cock

to an underaged girl.

- My God, you think
I did it, don't you?

- Well, wouldn't be the
first time you've strayed

from the path, would it now?

- How can you
compare that to this?

That is completely irrelevant.

- I don't think my Aunt Betsy
would agree with you there.

- I was 12 years old!

Besides, I don't know why
you're getting on your

moral high horse about.

When we all know about
your little foibles.

- You know exactly
what I'm talking about.

How do you think
Angela would take it

if she found out about that?

- Rachel, I need to talk to you.

She
doesn't wanna see you.

- Give me one minute.

- Call the police, Vanessa.

- Call the police, go on,
pick that phone up and call

the police, I'll go to prison.

God knows I deserve it.

Rachel, I fucked
up, I know I did.

But that didn't
mean anything to me.

And I know that whatever
mistakes we've made--

- Yes, I don't
care what you did.

I just know that we
can work through this.

I don't wanna break up.

- Right, that's it, time's up.

- Don't be bloody ridiculous.

That wasn't a minute, piss off!

Please, Rachel.

I'll make it up, I promise.

They weren't even
that attractive.

Give me another chance.

- Go on, Rachel,
he's a good lad.

Give him another chance.

- Yeah, don't be a tight-ass.

- Come on, out you go.

Come on.

Are you okay?

- Not really.

- You're doing the right
thing, Rachel, I promise you?

- Look, just in case

you haven't worked
it out for yourself,

basically men are scum.

I mean they can't see
beyond their own dicks,

which in the majority
of cases isn't very far.

And the only time they
appreciate what they really had,

is when they'd already
bothered it up.

They think women should be
these virginal creatures

that are to bring
up their babies,

and serve them breakfast,
and wipe their noses,

and then suddenly transform
into these sexual objects

for their pleasure.

- I mean I like a good
fuck now and then,

but I'm not gonna be
some man's subservient

mother-whore fantasy
I can tell you that.

- Is this going
anywhere, Vanessa?

- I'm just saying
that you're free now

to explore your
options, you know.

I mean this is the
21st century, Rachel.

You should be getting
out there shagging around

and having some fun.

- Well that's not really
me, though, is it?

- Rachel, phone call.

He'll be
there in 20 minutes.

Yeah
are you gonna be okay?

- Sure.

Well good luck.

- Okay, thanks for
letting me know.

Yeah sure.

- Bye.

- Excuse me, I
ordered a green salad

about half an hour ago.

- Oy mate, we've
been sitting here

and we haven't ordered yet.

- I'll be with you in a minute.

- These chips taste like feet.

- If you wanted to
keep it a secret,

you didn't do a very
good job by leaving

the condom wrapper on the floor.

- What in the bloody
hell are you two doing?

What?

Am I literally the only
person doing any work?

We're working.

- It's chaos.

People are walking out.

Nobody's making any food,
we're falling apart.

- All right, well uh, let's
get things back in order.

Vanessa, Dylan, you keep
the customers happy till

Tom and I can get things
sorted out in here.

All right, let's get to work.

- You do know this is
blackmail, don't you?

- Oh, I wouldn't call it that.

- It doesn't matter
what you call it.

That's what it is.

- Yeah but you don't
seem to be appreciating

how fucked I'll be if
this thing comes out.

- This is not the way
to deal with things.

- You leave me no choice.

- Don't be such a child!

- You leave me no choice.

- John!

- You leave me no choice!

- I swear, if you
say that again,

I will stab you in the
head with this knife.

Thank you.

- Thanks.

- Do you want anything
from the menu now?

- No, thank you, if
you could just give us

a couple more minutes,

that would be lovely.

- Thanks.

- Hello, boys!

So, what's been going on?

- God, are they gonna take
our order in here or what?

- Look, I'm sorry, I just don't
think it's gonna work out.

- There's just no
possibility of anything.

- Well why, I
mean, what's wrong?

- Well, it's just everything,
the whole package.

To be totally honest, I don't
know what Sean was thinking

of getting us together
in the first place.

I think I'm just gonna go.

- No, no, no, it's okay.

I'll go.

I mean, this place isn't
really my cup of tea, anyway.

I guess I'll see you then.

- Yeah, see you.

- So, John, did David
fill you in on all

the wedding details
and everything?

- Yeah, pretty much.

- Did you hear about these
bloody flower people?

- Mm-hm.

- Okay, what the
fuck's going on here?

- Why are you two acting like
a couple of dumb animals?

- We've just been
sitting here talking.

- I've got some legal
stuff to deal with.

- It's nothing to worry about.

- I'm a lawyer, too, John.

Do you think I can't offer
anything to the situation?

- No, of course not.

But David has agreed
to help me out anyway.

- I haven't agreed to anything.

- Don't you think you should,

given the circumstances?

Right, that's it.

David, I want to know
what's going on,

and I want to know now.

- I've got something
that I need to tell you.

- Don't be a fool, David.

- It's something
that I should've told
you a long time ago,

and I am so sorry
that I haven't.

- For God sake,
just spit it out.

- I sometimes wear
your clothes when

you're out of the house.

- Actually he only
wears your underwear.

Excuse me.

- This tea is cold.

- Well Ma'am I did bring you
that tea about 20 minutes ago.

- It was cold when
you brought it.

- That's ridiculous,
why would I--

Why don't I just bring you
a new one?

- Is this some
kind of sick joke?

- No.

- No, I'm not gay.

- He's a transvestite.

Don't you think
you've done enough already?

- You can't blame me for this.

I kept that secret for
years, and I never told her.

- What you've known
about this for years,

and you never told me?

Some weird, perverted
fantasy game you play

where you both dress up
in my clothes and dance

around the house?

- Hang on a minute.

I've got nothing to do with
him wearing women's clothes.

- That's right, John prefers
wanking off in front of girls.

- That is a vicious lie.

- John hangs around and
waits for little girls

to come along and then
he gets his cock out

in front of them.

- It's not true.

My cock was already out
and the girl came along.

- Shut up, both of you!

So let me just get
this clear, David.

Basically, since we've
been living together,

you've been waiting
for me to go out

so you can sneak
through my drawers

and prance around in
my bra and knickers?

- I don't prance around at all.

I just put the stuff on,
there's no prancing involved.

Just sit around in my clothes?

- I just watch the telly or do
the ironing or the vacuuming.

And you, you need special help.

You do know that, don't you?

- Look, don't you think
you should be a little

bit more focused on him?

He's the one you're
about to marry.

- Don't you think you
should've told me this

before we got engaged?

What the hell are my
parents gonna say?

- Oh, you don't have
to tell your parents.

- Oh no, it's nothing,
it's nothing, it's...

Oh, you sick bastards.

- Angela, please, calm down.

Let's not blow this
out of proportion.

Got the wedding in a week.

Angela, Angela!

- Would you like to order
something from the menu?

- Look, will you
just please fuck off?

- I just asked a customer
what he wanted from the menu

and he told me to fuck off.

I've had enough
Rachel, I'm going home.

- You can't go home.

- I'm sorry, I can't
handle it anymore.

- Look, you have to stay.

Nobody else is doing any work.

I'm just lumbered with
everything in my head

is fucking killing me.

You can sack me if you
like, I don't care.

- I need you here!

- You'll manage.

- But listen, you
don't understand.

I didn't wanna tell you this.

I'm in line for a
job, The Marion.

- And the owner's coming here
today to check this place out.

- This job would be
huge for me, Tom.

And I'm so close.

I can't stay here forever.

- Any minute now.

Thank you, Tom.

I'm gonna go an check if
he hasn't arrived, yet.

That's okay.

- You know, I was never
really sure about you

and Angela, anyway.

Making it in the long run with
a marriage and everything.

But look on the bright side.

I'm sure there are plenty
of women out that are

into that sort of thing.

- Hello, again.

- Oh, hello.

- Look, I know we didn't
really hit off all that well.

We both know why we came
here today, don't we, eh?

- I'm a man, and you're a woman.

And I reckon you probably
get a bit lonely at night,

don't you eh?

I mean you must be, what?

30, still single?

- I'm 27.

- Exactly, well,
near enough, anyway.

What I'm trying to say
is, uh, if you want to,

we could just go back
to my place and uh...

- My God, you're serious.

- What's the worst thing
that can happen, eh?

I mean, you have a
bit of a crap shag.

You go home, take a shower.

In a day or two you will
have forgotten all about it.

But then again, you
just might enjoy it.

- I mean I've never
had any complaints.

So, uh, what do you think, then?

- Thanks and everything.

Sounds like a great opportunity,

but I think I'm
gonna give it a miss.

- Yeah.

Fair enough,
then, I mean...

- Bye.

- Okay.

- Mike, Laura's getting up.

- Didn't even notice me.

That's how insignificant
I am to her now.

- Quickly, while she's gone.

Porn girl, go.

- You're ridiculous, she's just

broken up with her boyfriend!

- Exactly, mate, she's single.

Plus, she's feeling
vulnerable, alone.

Her self-esteem is at a low ebb.

I've never seen
anything so perfect.

- You know what, I'm more
likely to stab myself

in the eye with this
fork than go over there,

you know what I mean?

- So what, you want
Laura to come back

and see you sitting here
like some sort of turd

while she's out on a hot date?

Yeah, but think about it.

What if she saw you with that?

She wouldn't think you're so
insignificant then, would she?

- No.

No.

Yeah, great.

- Well, I just found
out that my fiance

likes to dress up in
my bra and knickers.

What do you suggest?

- Oh, no, here she
goes, mate, that's that.

Yeah she's looking
around for the waiter.

She's about to get
up and leave mate,

you've got to go now.

- All right.

- Do it!

- I will.

- Good man.

Go on, then.

- Come on, Michael,
you can do this.

Hello.

- Hello.

That's a good book.

Anna Kara--

- No.

Just, me mates, they all
said it's a good read.

- Do you mind if I sit
down just for a sec?

- Go on.

- I just want to sit

to apologize for what
happened earlier.

- Your friend's an idiot.

- Yep.

- What sort of a
person does that?

- Pffft, he's not my friend,
I feel sorry for him.

He's got learning difficulties.

It's sad, but true, I'm Mike.

- I'm Gloria.

- You cunt.

- Excuse me.

- You evil cunt!

Pervert!

This man is a deviant.

He gets sexual satisfaction
out of dressing up

as a baby and getting spanked!

- Whoa, whoa, I think
you've made a mistake.

Okay, what the hell
is going on here?

- My husband is a sick man.

He dresses up in a nappy and
pleads with me to spank him.

He needs to be locked up.

- I can assure you that
I've never seen this woman

before in my entire life.

You know, look at her,
she is obviously a nutter.

Surely, could you sit down?

And we can all talk about
this over a cup of tea.

- No, you don't understand!

This man is a pervert!

He needs to be locked up!

He's sick, he's a sick man!

You're crazy.

I'm gonna go get
your granddaughter.

Stay.

- Ah...

- Vanessa's grandmother
tried to take out

one of our customers.

- We put her outside.

- Outside, you can't
just put her outside.

- Excuse me.

Hi, everyone I'm
the manager here

and I'd like to apologize
for the unfortunate incident

that just took place,

and offer you all
coffee on the house.

- Grandma!

- You have to believe me.

That woman is a complete maniac.

I don't know what
she's talking about.

I mean, I've never
even been spanked.

You know, I certainly
wouldn't, oh, I'm so sorry.

It was an accident.

I can, I can help
you out with this.

Hey you might have to open
your legs a little bit.

Just so I can...

- He's some kind of pervert,
his wife was just saying.

Someone should call the police.

- She's not my wife,
for crying out loud.

She was insane, surely
you could see that?

- What the hell are you
doing with my girlfriend?

- I was just, I was dabbing.

- Right, you little
fuck, outside, now.

- Mark, just leave it.

- You heard me, outside, now!

- No, no, no, no you
don't understand.

- No, no, no you don't
understand, pussy!

You and me are going outside.

You can either walk out,

or I can drag you
out by your hair.

- I've got cancer.

What?

- I've got cancer.

So, you know, back off.

- He says he does the
ironing, can you believe that?

He puts on my underwear
and does housework.

What am I supposed
to make of that?

Well, that
doesn't sound so bad.

At least he's clean.

- Yeah, brilliant.

- My ex-fiance is a
filthy, disgusting slob.

I'd have been happy for
him to wear a gimp outfit

if it meant he'd do the
washing up once and a while.

- He couldn't handle the whole
commitment thing, thanks.

We got engaged but only
because I practically

forced him into it.

He used to wake up in
the middle of the night

having palpitations

and nightmares about castration.

Eventually, we accepted
he just wasn't up to it.

The thing is, I was always
trying to change him.

I guess I was trying
to mold him into what

I wanted him to be, you know,

instead of just accepting
him for who he was.

Now I'm back to being
alone, having to go

on blind dates with idiots.

I don't believe
you told him you had cancer.

The guy was about
to rip my head off.

What was I supposed to do?

- But mate, to tell
him you have cancer,

I mean, that's just sick.

- Do you think
I've cursed myself?

- Fucking freak, I
should sort him out now.

- Oh, just leave it, Mark.

- Come on, let's get
out of here, come on.

- I'm not coming.

- Oh come on, don't
start this shit now.

- I mean it, I am not coming.

I'm fed up of this
macho bullshit.

The possessiveness, the
jealousy, the paranoia.

- You've got a lot
of growing up to do.

- The fit ones are always
bastards, aren't they?

- Yeah.

They're just not worth it.

Hi, is
Sam Harvey back?

Yes, he is.

- He's there, okay,
thanks, he's there.

Fuck.

Hello?

- Hey, Sam!

Yeah?

- Yeah it's Dylan.

Hey
how are you doing?

Yeah, I
spoke to the publishers.

Yeah well,
they said they, uh,

well, basically
they didn't get it.

Yeah
apparently not.

- What do you mean
they didn't get it?

Are they retarded?

They said
there wasn't enough action.

Sam, did you tell them that
this is an existential novel?

It's not supposed
to have action!

Yeah,
they didn't care.

- You know, Sam, do
me a favor, okay?

Call them back and tell them

I am going to get my
novel published, okay?

And furthermore, when people

are calling me The Voice
of the Next Generation

and they come crawling back,

begging me on their
hands and knees

to publish my next novel,

I'll tell them they can
kiss my action-less ass!

Calm down, Dylan.

Listen I've got
another call mate.

I'm gonna have to run.

Will you call me back?

Of
course I will mate.

- Okay, bye.

See ya.

- They didn't get it.

They didn't get it.

- I'm so sorry, Dylan.

How can you two
be standing there?

Perhaps someone would
actually like to be cooking.

We do have customers
that need to be fed.

- Dylan just got some bad news.

They're not gonna
publish his book.

- Oh I see.

Well I guess it turns
out you know better than

the rest of us after all.

- Jesus, Tom, a
bit of sensitivity.

- What, he's been
strutting around here for

the past six weeks like he's
some sort of prima donna.

- Maybe you wanna
shut it for me.

- Maybe I will.

- Whoa, whoa, this
is all very exciting,

be we still got a cafe to run

and a round of free
coffees to deliver.

Come on.

- Fine, here are
your new orders.

You can add them to the backlog

and to the new customers
coming in for lunch.

Shall I get Charlie?

Do you want to do some cooking?

- Yes, please.

- Come on.

- Hi.

Tom said you might
need some help.

- It doesn't mean I want
anything to do with you.

- Bloody hell.

Jesus Christ!

Let's get going.

Can't have coffee without cake!

- The coffee is free.

If you want cake, you're
gonna have to order cake.

- Well I think if they're
going to give us coffee,

they really ought
to give us cake.

I mean who has
coffee without cake?

- I don't know, skinny people!

Look, no one ever said
anything about free cake.

The coffee is free.

If you need cake, then you
can fucking order some cake!

If you don't like it,
you know what you can do.

- Where's the manager, I
demand to speak to the manager.

- Nice one, Dylan.

Fuck you!

- Actually, Rachel asked
me to come in, Vanessa.

- Two more Greek salads.

- That shouldn't be a
problem for you, Charlie.

You can do both
at the same time.

- Ha-ha.

- Yeah hi.

I'd like to report
a missing old lady.

Yeah, I'll hold, God.

- Charlie, did you ever
find out who that condom

belonged to?

- Yeah, I did, Tom.

- It was Rachel and Dylan.

Come on.

- There you go.

- Hey, man!

That was quite a display
you put out over there, man.

- I just found out my novel is
not gonna get published, so.

- Whoa, hey man,

you mind if I play a song, man?

Pass the hat?

Is that cool?

- Knock yourself out.

- Excuse me.

Not now.

It's ridiculous.

First I get a chicken salad

that doesn't even look
anything like a chicken salad.

And then they try to serve
us coffee without any cake.

- Hi yeah I'd like to
report a missing person.

Yes. Mm-hm.

Yes.

- Yes, yes.

Oh, yes, yes, Dylan, yes!

I never knew sex could
be so incredible.

- Well thank you.

- What are we gonna
do about Charlie?

To Charlie.

- Charlie, what the
hell are you doing?

- Rachel!

- Mr. Davies, how
are you, welcome.

- Rachel!

Sorry.

Please, darling, tell
me it's not true.

Did you fuck Dylan?!

Did you?!

What the hell are
you talking about?

Get back to the kitchen.

- Everybody, listen
up all right.

This woman right here
is the most loving,

most generous, most
wonderful person in

the whole wide bloody word,

and until very recently,

I don't know why, but
she was my girlfriend,

and I screwed up, Rach.

I royally fucking screwed up!

I'd never had a threesome before

or an orgy or
anything like that.

But they were twins!

What was I supposed to do?

Bloody hell, Rach.

I've embarrassed myself in front
of all these bloody people.

I don't know what to do, I
just don't know what to do.

Do you want me to
get on my knees?

I'll get on my knees.

Yeah do you want me
to get on my knees,

I'm getting on my bloody knees.

Please, Rachel, please.

- That's it, get up.

Get rid of that knife,
get back to the kitchen.

We'll talk about this later.

- I don't wanna.

- Excuse me guys.

Sorry to interrupt.

But under the circumstances

I thought it'd be a good
idea if I sang a little song.

This is for all of you lonely
motherfuckers out there.

* I don't believe in Heaven

* I don't believe in God

* My parents are dead

* I got no friends

* I don't even have a dog

- Mr. Davies, why don't we go
and get a coffee in my office?

And we can have a chat, and
I can then show you how--

* There once was a
time I had a love

* But I threw it all away

* Now I sit here all alone

* Just wasting away

* Like a rotting corpse

- I guess the thing is I just
always thought I'd find a man

who was sweet, and kind,
and clever, and hardworking,

and happy in men's clothes.

- To be honest with
you, sounds to me like

the worst thing your fiance does

is wear your underwear
and do the housework.

I'd say you're doing
pretty bloody well.

* When all is said and done

* A six by two-foot
box to rot inside

* Being eaten over decades
by maggots and worms

* I just want to kill myself

* Put a bullet in my eye

* I just wanna kill myself

* I just want to die

* I just want to die

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

- Right, three rules.

Number one, I'm wearing
the wedding dress.

- You mean, we're--

- Number two, we're buying
you your own set of underwear.

I'm not having you stretching
out all my knickers.

And number three, if anyone
ever finds out about this,

I'll kill you both.

Come along, David.

- So, you're gonna get
back to me about the whole

alibi thing then?

- Damn!

- Tom, that guy in the
suit, who was that?

- That is the owner
of the Marion.

- He's come to see
Rachel about a job there.

- Oh, shit.

- I think I made a mistake
breaking up with Laura.

- What you'd rather got married

and never shag a bird again
the rest of your life?

- I'm not gonna
shag anyone anyway.

- The point is that
there is potential there.

- It's not good enough.

I'm sick of acting like an
overgrown teenager, you know.

I'm sick of you telling me
what to do all the time,

like you've got all
the bloody answers.

You haven't Danny, because
to be honest you've never

really had a girlfriend.

Oh easy, mate, that's not true.

- Maybe not, but all
you do is sit at home

smoking gear, in your
stinking underwear.

Are you even listening to me?

- Oh, my fucking Lord!

- Right, nobody move!

- Do you, excuse
me for a moment.

- Come on, pigeon hat.

I'm taking you home to
deal with your problem.

I'm going to cure you!

Come on, up you get.

- Grandma, Grandma,
what are you doing?

Put the gun down.

- Oh, bugger come on,
I've told you once!

- What have you done
to my grandmother?

- Sorry, mate, you don't
mind if I, uh, tch, tch.

Grandma,
Grandma, wake up.

- No we fucking shouldn't.

- She just blasted a hole
in a bloody fucking wall!

- All right, everyone,
let's calm down.

- Hello, sir.

My name is Charlie,
I'm the chef here.

- Nothing, it's just an old
lady firing off a shotgun.

I would love to
apologize for my uh,

for my outburst earlier.

Grandma, wake up.

You feeling okay?

- Of course you can.

- I mean it's not
just the business.

Besides you know, she is
so fantastic with people.

And the staff, she treats
them like her own family.

And the customers, oh, my
God, the customers love her.

That's why they keep on
coming back for more.

I honestly truly think that, uh,

that she'll be the best
person for this job.

- If you're all so
fond of her here,

then why do you want me to give
her a job and take her away?

- To be honest with you,
the last thing I want

in the whole wide world

is for Rachel to leave.

But I know that she's
always wanted to work at

The Marion, you know.

And, uh, and me, being as I am,

completely and utterly
in love with her,

I guess I just want
her to be happy.

- Hi, that was just a little
old lady with a shotgun.

No harm done, so,
how're we doing here?

- Good.

Goodbye.

Interesting staff.

- Yeah, sorry about that.

- Danny.

- I have to tell you something.

- When she fired the
gun, I shat my pants.

- Well, now mate, so did I!

I mean that's
shocking behavior--

- No, no.

I mean I actually

shat my pants.

- Shat my pants.

I've shat in my pants.

Danny, I'm full of
shit inside me pants.

Fucking hell, all right,
God, yeah, let's uh,

we'll get you to the
toilet, get you cleaned up.

- No toilets, just take me
home, take me home, please.

And I'll deal with it there.

- So, up on three then.

- On three.

One.

- One.

- Hang on, on three
or after three?

- Mike we stand on three.

One.

Two.

Three.

- Thank you.

Excuse me, you've
forgotten your dead rat.

- Thank you.

I'm not gay, I just wanted to...

- Great.

Mike?

- Oh God.

Hey!

What are you doing here?

- What the hell is
going on, what happened?

- Just some crazy old woman who
tried to take me hostage so.

- Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

Now I'm done, eh?

Bit of a crick in
the neck, though.

Can you just...

Thank you.

It's funny meeting you
here, actually, 'cause...

Well, I've, uh, I've been
thinking about you a lot.

And I just, you
know, I was thinking

that we still have stuff to
say to each other, right?

- I don't know, I
should get moving.

But, um, I'll call you,

and we could go for
a coffee or a tea.

Whatever you fancy.

- Yeah, yeah, I'd like that.

- Me, too.

I'll, uh, oh, what do we do?

- I don't know!

Okay. All right.

Bye, then.

Right,
I'll see you then.

Okay.

- Right, that's enough.

Let's go.

All right.

- I don't believe you
told her you'd call.

I swear if you just
hadn't shat your pants,

I'd be having such a
go at you right now.

- Yeah!

- Well, I have.

So shut the fuck up.

- God, I can't believe
you would whack

an old woman over the head.

What the hell is wrong with you?

- She was holding a
loaded shotgun Vanessa!

- You're lucky she
didn't kill anybody.

- You shut up, I can't
take you two bickering.

The backlog of orders,
my head is throbbing,

and Rachel is in the
office having an interview

for another job.

- What do you mean she's
having an interview?

- Well thanks for stepping by.

- Well, it's been my pleasure.

Good bye.

- Bye.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- He said that the fact
that I kept this place going

considering the misfits
I've had to deal with,

was almost unbelievable.

He offered me the job.

I don't know what to do.

- You should take it.

And?

- I'm gonna take it.

- That's great, congratulations.

- Tom.

- I'm sorry, I just can't
believe you're leaving.

- You know I couldn't
have gone through today

without you, don't you?

And actually, I was
wondering if you'd take over

this place as manager.

- Oh God, Rachel, I'd love to.

- Well, you turned out to
be quite the hero today.

Didn't know you had it in you.

- Neither did I.

At least one of us is
getting out of here.

- You're gonna make
it one day, Dylan.

I've no doubt in my mind.

You just got to keep
working your ass off.

- I'm gonna miss you.

- I'm gonna miss you, too.

- For what it's worth,

I think you should forgive him.

- Yeah.

Life's confusing, Rachel.

None of us really
know what we're doing.

Especially him.

But he loves you.

You shouldn't take
that for granted.

- That was nice.

What you said to Mr. Davies.

- I meant it.

- Charlie!

- I know, I know, I
fucked up, didn't I?

- Yeah.

- Just so you know, by the way,
I don't blame you or Dylan.

You must've been
really angry and,

a difficult
proposition to resist.

- The condom wrapper Rach.

- Charlie, I didn't
have sex with Dylan.

What do you think I am?

Well then who's was it, then?

- I don't know.

You're the one with the
rampant sexual appetite.

So, was it worth it?

The threesome?

- Nothing, nothing was worth
risking what I have with you,

because you are
everything to me.

And to think that
I fucked that up

all because of some
dirty cheap thrill

makes me feel like the
biggest twat on the planet

to be honest with you.

- You are what you are.

- I know.

Just give me one thing, darling.

Just tell me this is
not definitely over.

I'm not asking to move back in.

But please tell me that
it's definitely not the end.

Hey.

Because I love you.

- I'll think about it.

- Fine.

- I've got to get back.

- So, it actually happened
with you and Rachel.

- Everyone keeps saying,
"Dylan and Rachel,

"Dylan and Rachel."

I just wanna know if
there's something going on.

- Are you the most irritating
person in the world?

It was us, you idiot,
the condom was ours.

- I know, I just,

thought with all
the talk there might

have been some truth to it.

- Sorry.

- I'm used to it.

- All right, I'm off to take
Granny back to the home.

- Oh hey, make sure you bring
her back again real soon,

okay, she's an angel.

- Yeah, yeah, very funny.

See you tomorrow.

- See you.

- Bye.

Oh God, what a day.

I can't believe I'm
gonna be the new boss.

- Well, just remember who's
the boss in the bedroom.

- Thank you for a
lovely afternoon, dear.

- Of course.