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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:09,508 --> 00:00:11,959 ♪[Bruce Springsteen singing Santa claus is coming to town] 2 00:00:12,027 --> 00:00:13,894 ♪ Santa claus is comin' to town ♪ 3 00:00:13,962 --> 00:00:17,531 ♪ Santa claus is comin' to town ♪ 4 00:00:17,599 --> 00:00:21,135 ♪ Santa claus is comin' 5 00:00:21,202 --> 00:00:24,105 ♪ to town 6 00:00:24,172 --> 00:00:25,305 Carrie! 7 00:00:25,373 --> 00:00:26,707 (Carrie) Yeah? 8 00:00:26,775 --> 00:00:29,727 Don't come down yet. I'm wrapping your Christmas present. 9 00:00:29,795 --> 00:00:31,062 (Carrie) Ok. 10 00:00:51,667 --> 00:00:54,868 All right, you can come down now. 11 00:00:54,936 --> 00:00:56,236 (Carrie) One sec. 12 00:00:56,305 --> 00:00:57,638 What are you doing, anyway? 13 00:00:57,706 --> 00:00:59,039 (Carrie) Peeing on a stick. 14 00:00:59,107 --> 00:01:02,860 I'm hoping it's a pregnancy test. 15 00:01:02,928 --> 00:01:04,328 Here it is. 16 00:01:04,396 --> 00:01:06,431 So? We getting a baby or what? 17 00:01:06,498 --> 00:01:08,132 I don't know. We'll know in 3 minutes. 18 00:01:08,199 --> 00:01:10,067 Oh, come on, be positive, be positive. 19 00:01:10,135 --> 00:01:12,737 Daddy wants to be a daddy! 20 00:01:12,805 --> 00:01:15,272 All right, stop waving it. It's not a polaroid. 21 00:01:15,340 --> 00:01:17,141 Just set it down there. 22 00:01:17,208 --> 00:01:18,409 Set it down! 23 00:01:18,477 --> 00:01:20,478 God, I just wanna be pregnant, already. 24 00:01:20,546 --> 00:01:23,548 We've been trying for so long, and I'm sick of it. 25 00:01:23,615 --> 00:01:24,982 Thank you. 26 00:01:27,619 --> 00:01:29,286 I'll telling you, if I'm not pregnant, 27 00:01:29,354 --> 00:01:31,923 I'm gonna call that fertility place and make an appointment. 28 00:01:31,990 --> 00:01:33,624 Stop it. We don't need to go there. 29 00:01:33,692 --> 00:01:34,926 Why not? 30 00:01:34,993 --> 00:01:37,662 We've-- we've been trying for 5 months, and zippo. 31 00:01:37,729 --> 00:01:39,797 Why are you so opposed to getting checked out? 32 00:01:39,865 --> 00:01:41,766 Because we'll be sitting in the waiting room 33 00:01:41,834 --> 00:01:43,968 and people will look over at us, 34 00:01:44,035 --> 00:01:46,470 and let's face it, they're gonna assume it's me. 35 00:01:46,538 --> 00:01:48,973 Well, if it makes you feel any better, 36 00:01:49,141 --> 00:01:50,558 I will announce to the room 37 00:01:50,626 --> 00:01:54,912 that you are a champion sperm donor from yugoslavia. 38 00:01:54,930 --> 00:01:56,914 Look. We don't need a clinic. 39 00:01:56,982 --> 00:01:59,083 I'm telling you, that test is gonna come up positive. 40 00:01:59,151 --> 00:02:00,584 I can feel it. 41 00:02:00,652 --> 00:02:02,136 Yeah? How do you know? 42 00:02:02,237 --> 00:02:04,171 'Cause the other night, when we were trying, 43 00:02:04,239 --> 00:02:07,058 I was right on the money. 44 00:02:07,126 --> 00:02:08,909 I made good contact, I followed through. 45 00:02:08,977 --> 00:02:11,412 You gotta get the legs into it, that's the key. The legs. 46 00:02:12,147 --> 00:02:14,182 Ah! 47 00:02:14,249 --> 00:02:15,883 Well, I hope you're right. 48 00:02:15,951 --> 00:02:18,452 It would be nice to be pregnant for Christmas, wouldn't it? 49 00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:19,921 Yeah, and when my parents come up, 50 00:02:19,988 --> 00:02:21,856 we can give them the good news in person. 51 00:02:21,924 --> 00:02:23,023 Actually, that's gift enough, 52 00:02:23,091 --> 00:02:24,709 we can return the matching sweat suits. 53 00:02:24,777 --> 00:02:26,377 Oh, that reminds me, 54 00:02:26,444 --> 00:02:28,412 I gotta get the office cleaned up and the futon ready for them. 55 00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:31,248 You did tell them they were staying in the office this time, right? 56 00:02:31,316 --> 00:02:32,984 Uh... 57 00:02:33,052 --> 00:02:35,085 You are such a wimp! 58 00:02:35,153 --> 00:02:36,888 Carrie, it's hard. I mean, 59 00:02:36,955 --> 00:02:39,156 the--the first time they came to visit we gave them our room. 60 00:02:39,224 --> 00:02:40,558 Sliding them across the hall now 61 00:02:40,626 --> 00:02:42,159 would be a delicate bit of business. 62 00:02:42,227 --> 00:02:44,095 Why? When we go to visit them in Florida, 63 00:02:44,162 --> 00:02:46,197 they don't give us their bedroom, do they? 64 00:02:46,231 --> 00:02:49,250 No, we sleep on a fold-out couch that smells like a cat. 65 00:02:49,318 --> 00:02:52,320 And need I remind you they don't have a cat? 66 00:02:54,539 --> 00:02:55,873 Look, you're right. I'm sorry. 67 00:02:55,941 --> 00:02:57,709 I just can't look my parents in the eyes 68 00:02:57,776 --> 00:02:59,677 and say, you know, "mom, dad, 69 00:02:59,745 --> 00:03:01,945 you're sleeping next to the fax machine. Merry Christmas!" 70 00:03:02,013 --> 00:03:03,747 You don't have to say anything. 71 00:03:03,815 --> 00:03:05,949 When you bring their suitcases upstairs, 72 00:03:06,017 --> 00:03:07,718 just put them in the office. 73 00:03:08,337 --> 00:03:09,937 You're smart. 74 00:03:10,005 --> 00:03:11,338 I'm not that smart, 75 00:03:11,406 --> 00:03:13,591 just smarter than you, honey. 76 00:03:15,961 --> 00:03:18,896 Say, whose negative pregnancy test is this? 77 00:03:24,603 --> 00:03:26,354 ♪ Silent night 78 00:03:26,421 --> 00:03:27,788 ♪ holy... 79 00:03:27,939 --> 00:03:28,873 Night. 80 00:03:28,940 --> 00:03:30,240 Thank you, darling. 81 00:03:30,975 --> 00:03:32,142 ♪ Holy night 82 00:03:32,210 --> 00:03:33,511 ♪ all is well 83 00:03:33,578 --> 00:03:35,646 you hungry, dad? You want a snack before holly comes? 84 00:03:35,714 --> 00:03:36,831 Sure do. 85 00:03:38,767 --> 00:03:40,868 Why, what is this? 86 00:03:40,936 --> 00:03:44,538 A festive platter of assorted cheeses! 87 00:03:44,606 --> 00:03:47,474 Hello, Cincinnati! 88 00:03:47,542 --> 00:03:49,310 Don't unwrap that. 89 00:03:49,377 --> 00:03:50,711 I'll make you a tuna sandwich. 90 00:03:50,779 --> 00:03:52,013 I see. 91 00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:54,015 A cheese platter suddenly appears, 92 00:03:54,082 --> 00:03:55,883 yet I'm forbidden to partake. 93 00:03:55,951 --> 00:03:58,386 This couldn't possibly have anything to do 94 00:03:58,453 --> 00:04:02,206 with the impending arrival of Douglas' parents today, could it? 95 00:04:02,273 --> 00:04:05,609 It's not just for them, it's for all of us. 96 00:04:05,676 --> 00:04:07,328 Oh, splendid. Then you won't mind 97 00:04:07,395 --> 00:04:09,463 if I take a spoon to the wheel of brie. 98 00:04:09,530 --> 00:04:12,299 Dad, you are driving me crazy. Stop it! 99 00:04:12,367 --> 00:04:13,600 No, I will not stop it! 100 00:04:13,668 --> 00:04:15,002 In the 4 years I've been here, 101 00:04:15,070 --> 00:04:17,404 you never once bought me a cheese platter. Not once! 102 00:04:17,472 --> 00:04:19,373 Then I'll buy you one next week. 103 00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:20,875 I don't want cheese out of pity! 104 00:04:20,942 --> 00:04:22,676 I want cheese out of love! 105 00:04:24,379 --> 00:04:26,680 You love your parents more than me. Admit it! 106 00:04:26,748 --> 00:04:27,915 Done. 107 00:04:29,150 --> 00:04:30,317 [Telephone ringing] 108 00:04:30,385 --> 00:04:31,818 [Knocking at door] 109 00:04:34,522 --> 00:04:36,123 Hello? 110 00:04:36,191 --> 00:04:37,691 Hello, holly. Hi. 111 00:04:37,759 --> 00:04:39,526 (Doug) Hey. Hi. 112 00:04:39,594 --> 00:04:42,296 Oh, look, Arthur, you and scout are wearing the same sweater. 113 00:04:44,132 --> 00:04:45,900 Did you guys call each other this morning? 114 00:04:45,967 --> 00:04:48,502 No, but I will admit I saw him wearing that the other day, 115 00:04:48,569 --> 00:04:50,704 and he looked quite sharp. 116 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:53,640 Ok, let's go. Bye, guys. 117 00:04:53,708 --> 00:04:55,142 Hang on one sec. 118 00:04:55,210 --> 00:04:57,744 Dad! I just opened up a can of tuna for you! 119 00:04:57,812 --> 00:04:59,713 Well, when it turns into delicious cheese, 120 00:04:59,781 --> 00:05:01,248 I'll eat it! 121 00:05:03,518 --> 00:05:05,486 You know what? That sounds great. 122 00:05:05,553 --> 00:05:08,338 Yes, we'll see you in a half-hour. Thank you so much. 123 00:05:08,406 --> 00:05:10,141 All right. Bye-bye. 124 00:05:10,208 --> 00:05:11,909 Who are we seeing in a half-hour? The fertility doctor. 125 00:05:11,977 --> 00:05:13,010 They had a cancellation. 126 00:05:13,077 --> 00:05:14,678 Come on, they can get us in right now. 127 00:05:14,746 --> 00:05:15,746 (Doug) Now? 128 00:05:15,814 --> 00:05:17,414 We got to pick my parents up at 3:00. 129 00:05:17,482 --> 00:05:19,316 It'll be perfect. We'll go get checked out, 130 00:05:19,384 --> 00:05:20,985 then we'll go straight to the airport. 131 00:05:21,052 --> 00:05:22,887 I don't feel like dealing with this today. 132 00:05:22,954 --> 00:05:24,254 Why not? 133 00:05:24,322 --> 00:05:26,457 'Cause I'd-- I'd rather be told to switch to baggy shorts 134 00:05:26,524 --> 00:05:28,008 after new year's. 135 00:05:28,076 --> 00:05:30,294 (Carrie) Let's go. Come on. 136 00:05:33,615 --> 00:05:35,466 Ok. Well, I'm pleased to tell you 137 00:05:35,534 --> 00:05:37,234 that the preliminary tests we took today 138 00:05:37,302 --> 00:05:39,370 have been enough for us to isolate the problem. 139 00:05:39,437 --> 00:05:41,805 Oh, well, that's good. So--so what's going on? 140 00:05:41,873 --> 00:05:44,008 Doug. Yeah? 141 00:05:46,411 --> 00:05:49,429 Your sperm count and motility check out fine. 142 00:05:49,497 --> 00:05:50,781 Yes! 143 00:05:50,849 --> 00:05:52,466 Love you guys! 144 00:05:53,668 --> 00:05:55,469 Sorry. I'm sorry. 145 00:05:55,604 --> 00:05:57,488 However, Carrie, 146 00:05:57,555 --> 00:05:59,607 we did find something irregular in your tests. 147 00:05:59,674 --> 00:06:02,293 Apparently, you have only one functioning ovary. 148 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:03,844 Which means you're only fertile 149 00:06:03,911 --> 00:06:06,363 half as often as you would otherwise be. 150 00:06:06,431 --> 00:06:07,681 Really? 151 00:06:07,748 --> 00:06:09,099 There are some drugs you can take, 152 00:06:09,167 --> 00:06:11,319 but I'm hoping that that won't be necessary. 153 00:06:11,321 --> 00:06:13,687 Um, actually, as a matter of fact, 154 00:06:13,755 --> 00:06:16,523 you are beginning an ovulation cycle today. 155 00:06:16,591 --> 00:06:18,425 I am? 156 00:06:18,493 --> 00:06:20,427 Yes, you are. These next 3 days would be a perfect time 157 00:06:20,495 --> 00:06:21,761 for you to try to get pregnant. 158 00:06:21,829 --> 00:06:22,929 So, 159 00:06:22,998 --> 00:06:25,866 my professional advice is 160 00:06:25,933 --> 00:06:27,368 get crackin'. 161 00:06:32,674 --> 00:06:34,775 So what's new, kids? 162 00:06:39,580 --> 00:06:41,146 Come on in, come on in. 163 00:06:41,214 --> 00:06:42,748 Oh, my goodness, Carrie, 164 00:06:42,816 --> 00:06:44,784 the house looks beautiful. 165 00:06:44,851 --> 00:06:45,952 It's so festive. 166 00:06:46,019 --> 00:06:47,186 Thank you, Janet. 167 00:06:47,253 --> 00:06:48,454 Hey! 168 00:06:48,521 --> 00:06:50,923 Where's that Miami dolphins ornament I sent you? 169 00:06:50,991 --> 00:06:52,257 You didn't hang it up? 170 00:06:52,325 --> 00:06:54,226 No, I got my jets ornament up there. 171 00:06:54,294 --> 00:06:55,962 So? 172 00:06:56,029 --> 00:06:57,496 So? I'm not gonna cancel out my jets ornament 173 00:06:57,564 --> 00:06:59,632 with the freakin' dolphins! 174 00:06:59,700 --> 00:07:00,766 What are you, crazy? 175 00:07:00,834 --> 00:07:03,069 One ornament doesn't cancel out another. 176 00:07:03,136 --> 00:07:06,088 Dad, they're both in the a.F.C. East. 177 00:07:06,156 --> 00:07:08,408 While you two discuss the true meaning of Christmas, 178 00:07:08,475 --> 00:07:09,742 can I make anybody some coffee? 179 00:07:09,810 --> 00:07:11,210 (Janet) That would be lovely, dear. 180 00:07:11,278 --> 00:07:12,578 Do you need some help? 181 00:07:12,646 --> 00:07:14,980 You know what, mom, you relax. I'll-I'll help her out. 182 00:07:15,048 --> 00:07:16,382 Leave his ornament alone, Joe. 183 00:07:16,450 --> 00:07:19,786 I was taking a candy cane! 184 00:07:19,853 --> 00:07:21,954 So how you-- how you doing? 185 00:07:22,022 --> 00:07:25,875 Well, it wasn't my most favorite trip to the doctor I've ever had. 186 00:07:25,943 --> 00:07:27,910 Did you have any idea before? 187 00:07:27,978 --> 00:07:32,315 Like, did you feel weird in, like, a--a one-ovaryish kind of way? 188 00:07:34,268 --> 00:07:36,686 Well, I wasn't tipping to one side, 189 00:07:36,753 --> 00:07:38,587 if that's what you mean. 190 00:07:39,856 --> 00:07:41,223 This sucks! 191 00:07:41,291 --> 00:07:43,793 Look, you heard what the doctor-lady said. 192 00:07:43,860 --> 00:07:46,228 You still got one that's open for business. 193 00:07:46,963 --> 00:07:48,197 That's true. 194 00:07:48,264 --> 00:07:50,465 We've got 3 fertile days coming up, 195 00:07:50,533 --> 00:07:52,168 so we gotta make this happen. 196 00:07:52,235 --> 00:07:53,602 Hey, with my bullets, 197 00:07:53,670 --> 00:07:56,005 I can knock up you and anyone standing behind you. 198 00:08:00,077 --> 00:08:02,778 I just wish we weren't going through this 199 00:08:02,846 --> 00:08:04,180 with your parents visiting, 200 00:08:04,247 --> 00:08:06,365 but at least we'll have our room this time, right? 201 00:08:06,433 --> 00:08:07,683 Yeah. 202 00:08:07,750 --> 00:08:09,002 Oh, God! The suitcases! 203 00:08:09,069 --> 00:08:10,203 Go! 204 00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:17,293 (Doug) Mom! Mom! 205 00:08:17,361 --> 00:08:19,695 What? What are you running around crazy for? 206 00:08:19,763 --> 00:08:22,198 [Panting] I'm not. I--I--I just-- h-here, let me take those. 207 00:08:22,266 --> 00:08:23,699 Oh, thank you, darling. 208 00:08:23,767 --> 00:08:26,335 God forbid your father should get off his you-know-what. 209 00:08:26,403 --> 00:08:27,419 [Laughs] Yeah. 210 00:08:27,487 --> 00:08:29,388 Uh, you know what? Follow me into the office. 211 00:08:29,456 --> 00:08:30,422 Here we go. 212 00:08:30,490 --> 00:08:31,523 All right. 213 00:08:31,591 --> 00:08:33,792 There we go. Now we're in--in business. 214 00:08:33,861 --> 00:08:35,228 Lookin' good, huh? 215 00:08:36,830 --> 00:08:38,331 Why are we in here? 216 00:08:38,398 --> 00:08:40,833 Oh, uh, well, to tell you the truth, mom, 217 00:08:40,901 --> 00:08:42,668 Carrie and I were talking 218 00:08:42,736 --> 00:08:46,472 and, uh, we thought that you might like to... 219 00:08:48,524 --> 00:08:51,077 S-s-see our computer. 220 00:08:53,246 --> 00:08:55,648 Why, dear? 221 00:08:55,716 --> 00:08:57,550 [Tittering] Why? 222 00:08:57,618 --> 00:09:00,686 We're buying you one for your birthday, that's why! 223 00:09:00,754 --> 00:09:02,221 Oh, my God! 224 00:09:02,288 --> 00:09:04,323 Come on. Sit down. Try it out, see how you like it. 225 00:09:04,391 --> 00:09:07,259 That is so sweet! [Tittering] Yeah, sweet. 226 00:09:07,327 --> 00:09:09,562 Oh, it's nice! 227 00:09:10,564 --> 00:09:12,632 Hey, spooner! 228 00:09:12,699 --> 00:09:14,133 Good to see you. 229 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:16,068 Season's greetings. 230 00:09:16,837 --> 00:09:18,037 Who's this? 231 00:09:18,104 --> 00:09:20,305 [Laughing] A little young for you, isn't she? 232 00:09:20,373 --> 00:09:21,641 Hi, I'm holly shumpert. 233 00:09:21,708 --> 00:09:22,909 Joe heffernan. 234 00:09:22,976 --> 00:09:24,877 You got a couple of nice puppies there. 235 00:09:28,815 --> 00:09:30,983 Thank-- oh, the dogs! The dogs, right. 236 00:09:31,051 --> 00:09:32,952 No, no. No. 237 00:09:33,020 --> 00:09:34,520 They're not mine, I'm just walking them. That's what I do. 238 00:09:34,588 --> 00:09:36,022 So you're a dog Walker? Yeah. 239 00:09:36,089 --> 00:09:37,272 And a very busy one, at that. 240 00:09:37,340 --> 00:09:38,674 Goodbye. 241 00:09:38,742 --> 00:09:40,926 So, uh, what's the deal here, spooner? 242 00:09:40,994 --> 00:09:42,711 Are you a dog Walker, too? 243 00:09:42,779 --> 00:09:45,297 You--you two work as a team, that it? 244 00:09:45,998 --> 00:09:47,999 Not exactly, n-no. 245 00:09:48,067 --> 00:09:50,736 It's a Doug and Carrie pay m-me to... 246 00:09:50,803 --> 00:09:52,938 A-Arthur needs to get out occasionally-- 247 00:09:53,006 --> 00:09:55,324 now wait--wait--wait a second. 248 00:09:56,593 --> 00:09:58,827 Is she saying that Doug and Carrie 249 00:09:58,895 --> 00:10:02,831 pay a dog Walker to walk you? 250 00:10:02,899 --> 00:10:05,184 She does not walk me. 251 00:10:05,252 --> 00:10:06,518 She walks with me. 252 00:10:06,586 --> 00:10:08,154 If I want to go left, I go left, 253 00:10:08,221 --> 00:10:09,755 if I want to go right, I go right. 254 00:10:09,823 --> 00:10:13,692 No dog on this earth has that kind of leeway! 255 00:10:19,299 --> 00:10:21,366 You had her suitcase in this room. 256 00:10:21,434 --> 00:10:23,568 You couldn't just close the deal? 257 00:10:23,636 --> 00:10:25,437 I just froze up. 258 00:10:25,505 --> 00:10:27,773 I tried to speak, but the words wouldn't come. 259 00:10:27,841 --> 00:10:30,276 All right, forget about it. It's not the end of the world. 260 00:10:30,343 --> 00:10:32,111 By the way, we got to buy her a computer. 261 00:10:32,179 --> 00:10:33,645 Ok 262 00:10:33,713 --> 00:10:34,880 you know what? 263 00:10:34,948 --> 00:10:36,832 If I don't get a friggin' baby out of this, 264 00:10:36,899 --> 00:10:39,351 you are so dead. Yeah. 265 00:10:39,419 --> 00:10:40,820 All right. 266 00:10:41,722 --> 00:10:43,956 Hop on in, butch. 267 00:10:44,024 --> 00:10:45,307 [Bed creaking] 268 00:10:45,375 --> 00:10:46,592 Oh, God, it's creaking. 269 00:10:46,610 --> 00:10:48,811 That's ok. Just come on. It's not gonna hold us. 270 00:10:48,879 --> 00:10:50,646 Just go slow. Come on! 271 00:10:50,713 --> 00:10:53,231 [Bed creaking] 272 00:10:53,299 --> 00:10:55,034 You see? There, it stopped. 273 00:10:55,101 --> 00:10:57,436 'Cause I'm just lying here, but once we start doing stuff, 274 00:10:57,504 --> 00:11:00,139 it's gonna sound like geppetto's workshop in here. 275 00:11:02,943 --> 00:11:05,561 You're gonna be fine. 276 00:11:06,263 --> 00:11:09,164 [Bed creaking] 277 00:11:09,232 --> 00:11:10,633 You ready? Yeah. 278 00:11:10,700 --> 00:11:12,033 All right, here we go. 279 00:11:12,101 --> 00:11:13,702 (Doug) Ok. Easy. 280 00:11:13,770 --> 00:11:15,103 All right. 281 00:11:15,171 --> 00:11:17,423 [Knocking at door] 282 00:11:17,491 --> 00:11:18,824 [Sighing] Ok. 283 00:11:18,892 --> 00:11:20,225 Yeah? 284 00:11:20,293 --> 00:11:22,327 Hey, Dougie, I forgot to tell you, 285 00:11:22,395 --> 00:11:23,896 I promised Lou dimaria 286 00:11:23,964 --> 00:11:25,815 that we'd go see his grandkid 287 00:11:25,882 --> 00:11:29,418 in this Christmas choir show tomorrow night. 288 00:11:29,486 --> 00:11:30,720 (Joe) You remember Lou? 289 00:11:30,787 --> 00:11:31,921 Yeah, Lou. Yeah. 290 00:11:31,989 --> 00:11:33,422 Yeah. So you'll come? 291 00:11:33,424 --> 00:11:35,241 It'll mean a lot to Lou and your mother. 292 00:11:35,309 --> 00:11:36,576 Sure, dad. We're there. 293 00:11:36,643 --> 00:11:38,127 Ok. Good night. 294 00:11:38,194 --> 00:11:39,194 Good night. 295 00:11:40,097 --> 00:11:41,831 Ok. That didn't help. 296 00:11:46,169 --> 00:11:47,470 No. 297 00:11:49,005 --> 00:11:52,474 Has you dad always had those brown spots on his legs? 298 00:11:52,542 --> 00:11:53,959 I couldn't tell you. 299 00:11:54,027 --> 00:11:55,394 They could laser those right off. 300 00:11:55,462 --> 00:11:57,029 You know, this isn't helping, either. 301 00:11:57,097 --> 00:11:59,515 Ok. I'm sorry. You're right. I love you. Ok. Come on. 302 00:11:59,583 --> 00:12:00,782 I love you. 303 00:12:07,023 --> 00:12:09,841 [Telephone ringing] 304 00:12:09,909 --> 00:12:11,977 [Whirring] 305 00:12:11,995 --> 00:12:13,562 We're getting a fax. 306 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:18,817 This won't take long. 307 00:12:18,885 --> 00:12:21,253 [Fax machine whirring] 308 00:12:25,074 --> 00:12:27,743 We'll have sex in a minute. 309 00:12:29,145 --> 00:12:30,145 [Whirring stops] 310 00:12:30,914 --> 00:12:32,414 Ok. All right. 311 00:12:34,584 --> 00:12:35,718 [Fax machine whirring] 312 00:12:35,785 --> 00:12:37,119 All right. 313 00:12:41,841 --> 00:12:46,044 Ok, I'm at least 6 inches lower than last time. 314 00:12:46,113 --> 00:12:49,215 You know what? Let's just forget about this tonight, 315 00:12:49,282 --> 00:12:51,550 and tomorrow morning, we'll talk to your parents, 316 00:12:51,618 --> 00:12:54,453 tell them what's going on and have them give us our bedroom back. 317 00:12:54,521 --> 00:12:56,755 I don't want to have that conversation with them. Why not? 318 00:12:56,823 --> 00:12:59,274 'Cause I don't feel like asking them to help me have sex, ok? 319 00:12:59,342 --> 00:13:00,459 I'm funny that way. 320 00:13:00,526 --> 00:13:02,244 [Sighing] All right, how about this: 321 00:13:02,312 --> 00:13:04,379 Tomorrow night we blow off that choir thing, 322 00:13:04,447 --> 00:13:06,198 and we'll have the house to ourselves. 323 00:13:06,266 --> 00:13:08,634 No, we can't blow it off, it's Lou dimaria's grandkid. 324 00:13:08,701 --> 00:13:10,853 Who the hell is Lou dimaria? 325 00:13:10,921 --> 00:13:14,990 Uh, Lou dimaria of Lou dimaria Subaru? 326 00:13:15,058 --> 00:13:16,725 Oh! 327 00:13:16,793 --> 00:13:19,411 Oh, my God! I had no idea! 328 00:13:20,547 --> 00:13:22,831 He's an old friend of the family, ok? 329 00:13:22,899 --> 00:13:26,819 I'll get the job done now. I'll figure a way to do it. Now let's do it. 330 00:13:26,887 --> 00:13:29,188 You're hot, I love you, let's do it. All right. 331 00:13:31,258 --> 00:13:32,724 [Knocking at door] 332 00:13:32,793 --> 00:13:34,827 [Laughing] Ok. 333 00:13:35,411 --> 00:13:37,513 Yeah? 334 00:13:37,581 --> 00:13:41,333 I hear you're joining us for Lou's grandson's choir recital. 335 00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:42,584 We are so happy! 336 00:13:42,652 --> 00:13:44,119 [Kissing] 337 00:13:51,394 --> 00:13:53,428 So you want to keep going-- 338 00:13:53,496 --> 00:13:56,765 I couldn't make love to Julia Roberts right now. 339 00:14:00,153 --> 00:14:01,670 (Choir) ♪ 4 calling birds 340 00:14:02,938 --> 00:14:05,673 ♪ 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves ♪ 341 00:14:05,741 --> 00:14:09,644 ♪ and a partridge in a pear tree ♪ 342 00:14:09,711 --> 00:14:12,496 ♪ on the 11th day of Christmas... ♪ 343 00:14:12,564 --> 00:14:14,615 Friggin' kids. 344 00:14:15,450 --> 00:14:16,784 What's the matter? 345 00:14:16,851 --> 00:14:19,604 What's the matter is, I've only got one good ovary, 346 00:14:19,671 --> 00:14:21,122 it's firing right now, 347 00:14:21,189 --> 00:14:23,074 and I'm stuck here listening to these losers. 348 00:14:23,142 --> 00:14:24,375 Come on, back it down a notch. 349 00:14:24,443 --> 00:14:27,178 I'm not gonna back it down. I want a baby. 350 00:14:27,246 --> 00:14:28,479 Can't we just get out of here? 351 00:14:28,547 --> 00:14:30,014 No. Why? 352 00:14:30,082 --> 00:14:32,250 We live 5 minutes from here. We can... 353 00:14:32,318 --> 00:14:34,585 We can go home for a half-hour, 354 00:14:34,653 --> 00:14:36,120 do what we gotta do, and get back 355 00:14:36,188 --> 00:14:38,289 before they get to the hanukkah songs. 356 00:14:39,742 --> 00:14:40,841 I don't know. 357 00:14:40,943 --> 00:14:42,610 Come on, your parents won't even notice. 358 00:14:42,678 --> 00:14:45,212 I think it's fate that we couldn't find seats next to them. 359 00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:46,781 It's like the spirit of Christmas 360 00:14:46,849 --> 00:14:49,450 is telling us to go home and squeeze in a quickie. 361 00:14:51,236 --> 00:14:52,303 All right, but be careful. 362 00:14:52,371 --> 00:14:54,205 This place is crawling with dimarias. Ok. 363 00:14:54,273 --> 00:14:57,408 [Audience applauding] 364 00:15:01,446 --> 00:15:03,080 And now, would you all please join us 365 00:15:03,098 --> 00:15:05,116 for our famous jingle bells dance! 366 00:15:05,184 --> 00:15:06,351 ♪[Piano playing] 367 00:15:06,418 --> 00:15:07,986 Oh, I'm sorry. 368 00:15:08,053 --> 00:15:09,120 My wife has one ovary. 369 00:15:10,439 --> 00:15:12,756 [Children] ♪ jingle bells, jingle bells 370 00:15:12,825 --> 00:15:14,859 ♪ jingle all the way 371 00:15:14,927 --> 00:15:17,695 ♪ oh, what fun it is to ride... ♪ 372 00:15:17,762 --> 00:15:19,197 Want to dance with us, sir? 373 00:15:19,264 --> 00:15:21,065 I can't. My wife's got a bad ovary. 374 00:15:21,133 --> 00:15:22,066 Oh, come on! 375 00:15:22,134 --> 00:15:24,101 No, she really does. One bad one. 376 00:15:24,169 --> 00:15:25,870 ♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride 377 00:15:25,938 --> 00:15:28,072 ♪ in a one-horse open sleigh ♪ 378 00:15:30,142 --> 00:15:32,010 Ok. We've got a problem. 379 00:15:32,077 --> 00:15:33,844 I only have one good ovary. 380 00:15:35,581 --> 00:15:36,780 Oh, my! 381 00:15:36,849 --> 00:15:39,583 Yeah, and we're trying to make you a grandkid, 382 00:15:39,651 --> 00:15:41,418 but it turns out these 3 days, 383 00:15:41,486 --> 00:15:43,420 the 3 days that you guys are here, 384 00:15:43,488 --> 00:15:46,791 are our last shot to conceive for a couple of months. 385 00:15:46,858 --> 00:15:50,194 Actually, we're down to one night now. 386 00:15:50,262 --> 00:15:51,979 I told you it wasn't Dougie. 387 00:15:57,386 --> 00:16:00,304 We're so sorry. What can we do to help? 388 00:16:00,371 --> 00:16:01,838 Well, um, 389 00:16:01,906 --> 00:16:04,959 a little more privacy might make it easier for us. 390 00:16:05,026 --> 00:16:07,311 Why didn't you say so in the first place? 391 00:16:07,378 --> 00:16:09,180 Joe, maybe we should go to a hotel. 392 00:16:09,247 --> 00:16:10,764 What? Why? 393 00:16:10,832 --> 00:16:12,149 Why? 394 00:16:12,217 --> 00:16:14,851 'Cause Dougie can't make love with us across the hall. 395 00:16:17,022 --> 00:16:19,006 Why the hell not? He did it in high school. 396 00:16:19,073 --> 00:16:21,108 (Doug) Never! Sure! 397 00:16:21,176 --> 00:16:23,444 With that, uh, that girl that played lacrosse. 398 00:16:23,512 --> 00:16:25,429 What was her name, son? 399 00:16:25,564 --> 00:16:26,630 Betsy keenan. 400 00:16:26,698 --> 00:16:27,881 Yeah, that's right! 401 00:16:27,949 --> 00:16:29,983 They were in the den. I heard 'em plain as day. 402 00:16:30,152 --> 00:16:32,403 You fell asleep watching Carson. 403 00:16:33,672 --> 00:16:36,974 I had no idea. 404 00:16:36,976 --> 00:16:38,692 I hope you used ñprotection, dear. 405 00:16:38,861 --> 00:16:40,077 Oh, God. 406 00:16:40,962 --> 00:16:43,013 [Knocking at door] 407 00:16:43,082 --> 00:16:45,349 I got it, darling. 408 00:16:45,417 --> 00:16:47,017 Oh, good morning, holly. Hi. 409 00:16:47,086 --> 00:16:48,219 I'll see you all later. 410 00:16:48,287 --> 00:16:50,121 Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up there, spooner. 411 00:16:50,189 --> 00:16:52,290 Janet, this is the one I was telling you about, 412 00:16:52,357 --> 00:16:54,325 the one that walks Arthur. 413 00:16:54,393 --> 00:16:56,193 (Holly) Hi, happy holidays! 414 00:16:56,211 --> 00:16:57,277 (Janet) Hi. 415 00:16:57,345 --> 00:16:58,846 Hey, I could use some fresh air. 416 00:16:58,914 --> 00:17:00,981 You mind if I join you on the walk? 417 00:17:01,950 --> 00:17:03,383 No, I don't mind. 418 00:17:03,451 --> 00:17:04,819 (Joe) Terrific! All right! 419 00:17:04,886 --> 00:17:07,221 I'll see you all in a couple hours, huh? 420 00:17:11,493 --> 00:17:13,344 Ok. Here's an idea. 421 00:17:13,411 --> 00:17:15,646 How about if Joe and I go out to dinner tonight with Arthur 422 00:17:15,713 --> 00:17:17,414 and leave the whole house to you kids? 423 00:17:17,482 --> 00:17:20,151 And you can take your bedroom back, too. 424 00:17:20,218 --> 00:17:22,403 That would be perfect, Janet. Thank you. 425 00:17:22,470 --> 00:17:23,637 Our pleasure. 426 00:17:23,705 --> 00:17:24,805 So. 427 00:17:24,873 --> 00:17:27,341 What time do you need us to stay out until? 428 00:17:27,409 --> 00:17:28,910 Uh, midnight, 1 a.m.? 429 00:17:28,977 --> 00:17:31,061 That's crazy. Don't have to stay out that late. 430 00:17:31,129 --> 00:17:33,864 Well, how much time do you need, Doug? 431 00:17:36,401 --> 00:17:39,070 Definitely not till midnight. Ok. 432 00:17:42,007 --> 00:17:44,375 Uh, come back at 9:00. 9:00 is good. 433 00:17:44,443 --> 00:17:45,359 9:00? 434 00:17:45,427 --> 00:17:47,361 Speedy Gonzales here. 435 00:17:56,355 --> 00:17:58,456 Doug, it's 8:25. I know. 436 00:17:58,523 --> 00:18:01,091 They're gonna be back at 9:00. I know that. 437 00:18:01,159 --> 00:18:03,444 I'm obviously having a little problem here. 438 00:18:03,511 --> 00:18:04,812 8:26. 439 00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:07,197 I don't understand this. I've never had this problem before. 440 00:18:07,265 --> 00:18:09,716 Actually, you have, honey. 441 00:18:09,718 --> 00:18:11,135 Ok. That time doesn't count. 442 00:18:11,202 --> 00:18:13,871 The mets had just lost the world series. 443 00:18:13,939 --> 00:18:16,140 What are you so stressed about, anyway? 444 00:18:16,207 --> 00:18:17,642 Nobody's home. 445 00:18:17,709 --> 00:18:19,944 Y-your parents are out having a nice dinner with my dad. 446 00:18:20,045 --> 00:18:22,496 Exactly. They're out, so I can be here having sex with you. 447 00:18:22,563 --> 00:18:24,298 That's the entire purpose of the dinner! 448 00:18:24,365 --> 00:18:26,267 Do you realize the pressure that puts on me? 449 00:18:26,334 --> 00:18:27,968 (Carrie) Doug. 450 00:18:28,036 --> 00:18:30,704 Doug, they're not even thinking about you. 451 00:18:30,722 --> 00:18:32,139 They're probably obsessing 452 00:18:32,206 --> 00:18:34,391 over how little they can leave the waiter. 453 00:18:34,459 --> 00:18:36,059 Believe me, they're talking about us. 454 00:18:36,127 --> 00:18:38,112 "So, you think they made us a grandchild yet, 455 00:18:38,146 --> 00:18:39,630 or should we get some more coffee?" 456 00:18:39,697 --> 00:18:40,998 "I don't know. Ask spooner." 457 00:18:41,066 --> 00:18:43,150 "I invented coffee!" 458 00:18:45,053 --> 00:18:46,487 It's 8:27. 459 00:18:46,555 --> 00:18:47,988 It's 8:27! 460 00:18:48,056 --> 00:18:51,992 Come on. Come on. Damn you! 461 00:18:52,060 --> 00:18:54,662 Doug, that is not gonna help you relax. 462 00:18:54,729 --> 00:18:58,115 [Whispers] Oh, damn you. 463 00:18:58,183 --> 00:19:00,785 Doug, listen to me. Listen to me. 464 00:19:00,852 --> 00:19:04,121 Just forget about everything, everyone, ok? 465 00:19:04,189 --> 00:19:06,156 It's just you and me here. 466 00:19:06,224 --> 00:19:08,892 Just come back to bed. Ok? 467 00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:09,943 [Panting] Ok. 468 00:19:10,012 --> 00:19:10,944 Ok. 469 00:19:11,013 --> 00:19:12,246 Ok. All right. 470 00:19:12,314 --> 00:19:14,448 Let me fluff up your pillow 471 00:19:14,516 --> 00:19:16,950 the way you like it. All right? Okey-doke. 472 00:19:17,019 --> 00:19:17,951 What was that? 473 00:19:18,020 --> 00:19:19,186 No. It's done. It's done. 474 00:19:19,254 --> 00:19:20,787 Oh, my God. It's my mother's pajamas! 475 00:19:20,855 --> 00:19:22,356 Oh, my God! Mama's p.J.S. 476 00:19:22,424 --> 00:19:24,392 All gone! All gone! Mama's p.J.S! No! 477 00:19:24,459 --> 00:19:26,293 All gone! All gone! All gone! 478 00:19:26,361 --> 00:19:29,296 Ok? All right. No--no--no. 479 00:19:29,364 --> 00:19:31,198 Come back to bed. Come on. 480 00:19:31,266 --> 00:19:32,299 This way, baby. 481 00:19:32,367 --> 00:19:35,302 That's right. Come to mama. 482 00:19:35,370 --> 00:19:37,104 Sorry. Bad choice of words. 483 00:19:38,373 --> 00:19:41,308 All right. Now, listen to me, you. 484 00:19:41,376 --> 00:19:46,147 You are the most wonderful man I've ever known. 485 00:19:46,214 --> 00:19:49,133 And there's nothing I want more right now 486 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:50,984 than to make a baby with you. 487 00:19:51,052 --> 00:19:55,222 The thing is, we only have 20 minutes. 488 00:19:56,441 --> 00:19:57,491 Ok? 489 00:19:57,558 --> 00:20:00,778 So help me help you. 490 00:20:02,380 --> 00:20:03,781 [Whispering] Ok. 491 00:20:03,849 --> 00:20:05,382 How's that? 492 00:20:05,450 --> 00:20:08,352 Hmm, well, that's... That's good right there. 493 00:20:08,419 --> 00:20:09,753 All right. 494 00:20:09,821 --> 00:20:12,706 Now, you just think real sexy thoughts. 495 00:20:12,774 --> 00:20:14,308 Ok. Like what? 496 00:20:14,376 --> 00:20:17,127 Um, think of Alyssa Milano. 497 00:20:17,212 --> 00:20:18,679 Huh? She's hot, 498 00:20:18,747 --> 00:20:21,231 plus her last name's a cookie. 499 00:20:22,350 --> 00:20:24,735 Ohhh, yeah. Ok. 500 00:20:25,637 --> 00:20:27,037 Oh, that's good. 501 00:20:27,105 --> 00:20:28,372 I know. 502 00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:29,807 [Both moaning] 503 00:20:29,874 --> 00:20:31,341 [Janet murmuring] 504 00:20:31,409 --> 00:20:32,743 (Joe) Why can't we go in? 505 00:20:32,811 --> 00:20:34,495 Hear something? Yeah. 506 00:20:34,563 --> 00:20:35,579 What is that? 507 00:20:35,647 --> 00:20:38,616 You know what? I--I--I don't know. 508 00:20:38,683 --> 00:20:39,850 Where's it coming from? 509 00:20:39,918 --> 00:20:42,887 (Joe) Why can't we go in? 510 00:20:42,954 --> 00:20:44,889 (Janet) Because we're not supposed to be back 511 00:20:44,956 --> 00:20:46,457 for another 25 minutes. 512 00:20:46,558 --> 00:20:48,692 They're trying to make a baby. 513 00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:49,926 (Joe) I'm freezing here! 514 00:20:49,945 --> 00:20:51,362 (Janet) Then take a walk. 515 00:20:51,429 --> 00:20:54,231 Or do you only like to do that when a pretty girl takes you? 516 00:20:54,298 --> 00:20:56,600 (Arthur) Finally, someone had the guts to say it! 517 00:20:56,668 --> 00:20:58,168 Shh! 518 00:20:58,236 --> 00:21:01,872 We are just gonna stand here and wait here until 9:00 519 00:21:01,939 --> 00:21:03,874 because that is what Dougie needs. 520 00:21:21,709 --> 00:21:23,343 Meet you back here in a couple months. 521 00:21:23,411 --> 00:21:25,679 You got it. Ok. 522 00:21:41,045 --> 00:21:43,897 [Yelling] Carrie! I'm ready! 523 00:21:48,019 --> 00:21:50,254 So, your whole family's back in Maine, huh? 524 00:21:50,321 --> 00:21:51,988 Yep. All 13 of them. 525 00:21:52,057 --> 00:21:53,990 I'm the only one not still working at the fish hatchery. 526 00:21:54,059 --> 00:21:55,359 Fish hatchery, huh? 527 00:21:55,427 --> 00:21:56,927 What is that, COD country up there? 528 00:21:56,994 --> 00:21:58,328 Bluefish, mostly. 529 00:21:59,197 --> 00:22:00,497 Don't worry, fellas. 530 00:22:00,565 --> 00:22:02,866 He's just flavor of the month. 531 00:22:02,934 --> 00:22:05,135 Flavor of the month. 37379