All language subtitles for The King of Queens - S04E11 - Depo Man (1080p x265 EDGE2020)-ing

♪ My eyes
are gettin' weary ♪

♪ my back is gettin' tight

♪ I'm sittin' here
in traffic ♪

♪ on the queensboro bridge
tonight ♪

♪ but I don't care,
'cause all I want to do ♪

♪ is cash my check
and drive right home to you ♪

♪ 'cause, baby, all my life

♪ I will be drivin'
home to you ♪

Oh, my God.
Coffee now.

Hey. Hey, look what
I got going here.

What?

I'm havin' my regular
cocoa krispies,

but I'm cutting them

with the more
sensible rice krispies.

And what do you get?

A healthier me.

Or you could just
have a piece of fruit.

Fruit? Why the hell
do you got to go there?

Sorry.

I'm in a bad mood
'cause of work.

Pruzan got his first
big case as partner,

and he's gone off
the deep end.

I mean, could you believe
what time I got home?

Why, was it late?

It was 3:00
in the morning.

Don't you even know
when I'm not there?

I got to be
honest with you, car.

That comforter
gets bunched up,
you're easy to lose.

So, what's this big case
you got, anyway?

It's actually
kind of interesting.

We're representing
the shareholders
of this dot com

who claim management

ran the company
into the ground.

The managers are trying to
blame everybody else,

the distributors,
the delivery services.

You're very far away
right now, aren't ya?

I'm--I'm tryin' to listen.

You just got to give me
a little more to hang on to.

Like--like instead of
saying "shareholders,"

you could say "midgets."

I got to get going.

Don't forget.
You got to meet me tonight
at Danny and Spencer's.

They're having that
housewarming party thing.

Oh, my God.
Is that tonight?

You have to go.
We promised.

They're counting on you
to be the women.

All right.
I'll see you there.

Wish me luck today.

Good luck.

[Sighs]

I need bacon.

Partners meeting
in 5 minutes.

What did I do with
the expert-witness list?

Carrie?

I'm sorry.
Which list?

The list with the names of
the expert witnesses.

Comprende English?

Pull it together, pruzan.

Pull it together.

It's ok-- it's ok.
Here it is.

Expert-witness list.

Let's see.

We still need to book
an inventory specialist,

a software engineer,

a delivery driver.

Carrie, your husband
drives for I.P.S., right?

Uh-huh.
Great.

Could you get him
or one of his buddies

to come in
and testify? Hmm?

Can you take care of that?

Um, o-ok.

That's my girl.

Hey, you better
get to your meeting.

Right.

I don't look like
I've been crying, do I?

No, you're good.

Ok.

Psycho.

Wow. Doug as
a expert witness.

Doug.
What do you think?

That'll be interesting.

Hey, nice party.

7 loser guys in
an apartment with no heat.

Ok. Hey, would you
quit complaining?

You know, I offered you
a mug of hot cider,

and you punched me.

And I stand by
that decision.

Look. Hey, look.

You got a plate of ribs
hot off the grill.

Will that make you happy?

You just bought
yourself 10 minutes.

♪[Music playing]

Hey, girl.

Girl in the house!

Hey.

Welcome to casa
Danny y Spence.

Let me take your coat.

Oh, ok.

Hey.

Hello. Wow.

Could you guys crank up
the heat a little bit?

Um, sorry. No can do.

Gas is broken,

and someone
who's here all day

refuses to wait
for the gasman.

Hey, I work the nightshift.

I need my sleep
during the day.

I'm too sleepy
to wake up

and answer the door.

Back off!

And back off now.

Hey, excuse me,
I need to talk to Doug

about grown-up stuff.
Excuse me.

Hold on.
I got another one.

You can't fire me,
Mr. slate,

'cause I quit!

[All laughing]

The bone phone.
It's a bone phone.

Hey. Hi.

Hey, baby!

How was work?

Uh, good, good.

Actually, I need to talk
to you about something.

Wait, do you need
to talk to me or to

walrus Doug?

[Chuckling]

So, what'd you have to
talk to me about, anyway?

You know what?
Um, I'll be right back.

Hi.

Oh, hey, holly.

How was our boy's walk?

It was good.

He made snarly teeth
at a water fountain.

It was very cute.

Snarly teeth. Grrr.

Hey, when he does that,

just hit him with
a rolled-up newspaper.

So, what's up?

Middle of
a conversation here.

It's--it's ok.
I have to leave anyway.

Oh, well do you
want to stay
for the party or...

Party?

No, thanks.
Ok, bye. See you.

See ya.

See ya later.

Stay away from her.

Well, if that's
what you want,

I won't.

So, that's it.

It's one day of prep,

and one day
for the deposition.
Can you do it?

100 bucks an hour
just to sit there
and be an expert?

Yeah, I'll do it full-time.

Thank you.

So, what's the deal?

Doug run out of sick days?

Um, no. Actually,
I--I--I didn't ask Doug.

Oh.

Oh, my God.
I should ask Doug.

I'm gonna...
No, you know what?

I'm gonna go
with my gut,

and my gut says you.

So, what should I
say to Doug?

Well, uh, I--I thought
we can keep this between us.

Oh, my God.
That sounds so evil.

Am I evil?

Do you want me
to do this or not?

Yes. Yes. Definitely.

I have total faith in you.
Yeah.

Hey, hon, I was thinkin'

you must be
freezin' out here,

so I just got you that,
all right?

Aw, thank you, honey.
That was so sweet.

No problem.

So, what time
do you want me--

I'm gonna use Doug.

How ya doin'?
Doug heffernan, expert.

There she is.
Lookin' good.

Hey, guy, how's that water
workin' out for ya, huh?

Ok, honey,
settle down.

You're an expert witness,
not a casino greeter.

I'm just excited,
you know?

I mean, look at us,
husband and wife,
workin' together.

We're like
hart to hart here.

There's Mrs. h.
She's gorgeous.

That's funny, honey.
Lower your voice.

Why, what's up?
Yeah, just listen.

Today is
like a dry run, ok.

Pruzan's gonna take you
through all the questions

that the other side
might ask you when

they depose you,
you got it?

I'm with ya.

Ok, let's go head on
into the conference room.

Whoa! A little harassment.

Harassment!

Listen to me.

I am gonna ask you
nicely. Stop it!

Yes, ma'am.

So?

What happens after
the packages are loaded
onto the truck?

Uh, that's a--a
very good question.

An excellent question,
actually.

I--I guess it...
Could I get another juice?

[Sighing]

Thank you.

Uh, I--I guess
in layman's terms,

uh, the delivery driver

would transport
the aforementioned items,

uh, from the shipping party
to the customer,

or shipee,
as it were,

so to speak.

Just to clarify,
you keep saying
"aforementioned items."

I don't remember
you mentioning any
items before.

Um, I think he was
referring to when

you mentioned them
before, Mr. pruzan.

Yes, yes, exactly!

What she said,
right there.

[Whispering]

Look at that.
I always wanted
to have a lawyer

whisper something
in my ear.

Beg your pardon?

Uh, I'm just sayin',
if I ever, you know,

had to appear
in front of congress,

that's like
the cool move, you know?

I'm sorry, what?

[Inaudible]

I don't recall.

Morning.

Ah, look,
it's Mr. nightshift.

Hey, how is your job
doin' monkey work in the dark?

Delightful.

Hmm.

Hey, is that my parka?

Yeah. Yeah, I wore it to bed.

Now it smells like me.

Gimme that back.

No. I'm smelling it up.

Give it to me,
you lawn dwarf.

[Grunting]

Oh, my.

Hi, holly.

Oh, hey.
How's it, uh, goin'?

Good, good.

I--I just came for Allen.

Oh, righto.
I'll go get his leash.

Gosh, you guys
have to keep it pretty
brisk in here, huh?

Yeah. Well, actually,
our gas is not working.

Hey, how would you
like to do me a favor

and just spend the day here
waiting for the gasman?

You know, I-I-I'd pay you.

It would be nice
to earn some money

without having
to scoop doodie.

I'm free Thursday
if that's good for you.

I'll call
the gas company.

Great.
There he is!

Hello, buddy. Hello.

Come on.
Oh, who's my boyfriend?

I think it's you.

I think you're my boyfriend.

Ok, guys,
I'll see you later.

See you, holl.

Wh-what was that?

That was me being
a man of action.

Emphasis on "man."

Hey, hey, hey.

I know your game,
all right?

You get her in here.

She's waiting
in the cold.

You're in your warm bed.

You're, "hey, holly,
why don't you come
and huddle with me

under the blankets?
You're pretty."

Hey, hey. Look, look,
look, look, look.

If that happens,
it happens, ok?

Can't fight nature.

Oh, hey, hey, I can

if I take a personal
day off of work

and keep her company
while she's waiting.

You mean,
while we're waiting.

Please, you will
not be able to stay up

after working
your night job.

I will after
I take a fistful of
prescription stimulants.

Hey, babycakes.

Hey.

Great working
with you today.

Um, yeah.

Just wanna let you
know when my expert-witness
career takes off,

I'm not gonna trade you
in for a trophy wife,

unless you really
let yourself go.

So? They love me
or what?

Huh?

How'd I do?

Um, you did pretty good.

Actually, now that you,
uh, brought it up,

I do have a few thoughts.

Ooh, feedback!
I love it. Bring it on.

Well, I was thinking,
you might wanna

simplify your answers
a little bit.

What do you mean?

"Aforementioned,"
"alleged package."

Use words where
you're sure of their meaning.

Ok, I will take
the aforementioned suggestion.

Which brings me
to my 2nd point.

I don't think you should be
uh, jokin' around as much.

Like when?

Like when
you said to pruzan,

"you'd better be
goin' somewhere
with this, counselor."

Um, this is real life,
not, law and order.

All right.

It won an emmy,
but whatever.

Anything else?

Yeah, about lunch.

Lunch?
I even messed up lunch?

Well, honey,
did you happen to notice
that everyone else

ordered sandwiches,
and--and you ordered what?

Jambalaya.

A giant seafood stew

that came with
an extra plate for your shells

for $31.

Well, then don't
put it on the menu.

Look,
I'm just trying to give you
constructive criticism here.

Well, it's not constructive.
It's stupid.

You're picking on
the dumbest things.

They're not dumb things.
They're real things
that you need to work on.

You didn't even mention
any of the good stuff I did.

And p.S., there was
a whole sack of that.

Get over yourself.
You get over myself.
I'm doing you a favor.

Don't do me any favors.

Fine, then get somebody else.

I wanted someone else.

[Sighing]
What do you mean?

I asked Deacon first,
but then I thought,
no, no, no,

no, no,
I'll get my husband.

You went to Deacon first?

Mmm-hmm, that's right.
I would've gone to you,

but you had a rib
in your ear at the time.

Fine.
Then you know what, then?

Go get your boyfriend
Deacon to testify.

Fine.
Fine.

Oh, and I'll expect you
not to wander

to my side of
the bed tonight.

Carrie.

I need you to
cross-reference these files.

Also, I'm running
very low on Xanax.

[Chuckling]

Which is weird,
'cause I could've sworn
you were on top of that.

Ok, I-I'll call the pharmacy.

That'd be super.

Oh, m-Mr. pruzan,
before I forget,

I-I wanna tell you
not to worry.

I--I got you somebody else

to be your I.P.S.
Witness instead of Doug.

Deacon Palmer.
He's great.

What are you
doin' to me here, car?

I just thought
you might want somebody
more professional.

What? The juries
don't like that!

They like someone
they can trust, like Doug.

He's real.
He's an everyman.

Well, I just thought,
the other day--

Carrie, don't you understand?

[Phone ringing]

This case is a dog.
It's a loser.

The other partners
were just waiting
for me to choke,

and now I am.
I'm choking, Carrie.

And it's your painted
fingers around my neck.

Now, just get me
back your husband!

Ok.

Ok.

Hey, car.

I just picked up
some toys for the kids.

$100 an hour buys--

I'm gonna use Doug.

Hey, sweetie.

[Fans cheering on t.V.]

Yeah, that's the stuff.

Good to be home
with my man.

I missed you today.
Got used to working with you,

and then all of a sudden,
you weren't there.

I was, like, hey!
Where's Mr. h?

He's gorgeous.

I thought I used big words
and ate too much shellfish?

No, no, honey.
You know what?

I did some soul-searching,

and I realized
none of that stuff matters.

You matter.
We matter.

Oh. Well,
thanks for sayin' that.

Hmm.

So,

you gonna come back and be
my little expert witness?

No, I don't think
it's a great idea,
us to be working together,

you know?
Let's just let it go.

No, come on.
Do it. It'll be fun. Do it.

[Chuckling]
I don't wanna.

Yeah, you do.
Come on. Do it.

I'm not gonna do it.
Do it.

Do it!

What the hell
is your problem?

Ok, here's the deal.

Pruzan wants you back.

What?

Yeah, he loved you,
all right?

Apparently,
you're an "everyman."

The juries eat that up.

Huh!

Hah!

Well, isn't that interesting?

Your boss loves me.

Your boss wants me back.

Well, looks like
someone didn't do

any soul-searching after all.
Come on.

I knew it was
perfectly acceptable

to order jambalaya.

Ok, you know what?
You're right.

You're absolutely right.
I am sorry.

So, l-look,
I'll make it up to you.

Name it.
What is it?

Strip.

What?

That's right,
a little striptease.

Off-y clothes-y.

You just pulled
that out of your hat?

Oh, no, no.
I've been savin' this
one for a rainy day,

and it's pouring, sister.

Well, can't I just
melt some cheese on
somethin' for ya?

If that's part
of your act, sure.

Ok.

Ok.

[Doug clears throat]

[Fans continue cheering]

[Carrie sighs]

Whenever you're ready.

I can't do this
without music.

Ok, fine.

♪[Music from
the Andy Griffith show
playing]

Come on.

Oh, fine.
Let's find something here.

All right.
How about that?

♪[Music playing]

[Snarls]

[Snarling]

Oh, God!

What?

Nail in the eye!
Nail in the eye!

I'm sorry.
Are you ok? Are you ok?

I'm fine, ok?

Look, nice try.
Just keep your day job.

All right.

So, are you gonna
do this for me?

Yeah, fine.
I'll do it, ok?

Oh, thank you, honey.
You are the best.

Yeah, yeah,
I'm the best, all right?

I'll see you Wednesday.

Wait, no,
it's Thursday.

Thursday?
I can't do it Thursday.

I'm workin'
a double route.

Doug, when this
whole thing started,

I specifically told you
to keep midweek open.

Yeah,
midweek is Wednesday.

No, midweek is
Wednesday or Thursday.

Ok, you use that logic,
you gotta include Tuesday.

Where does it end?

All right, Doug.
Would you-- would you
just do this?

I'm sorry. What do you
want from me? I can't.

Oh, my God.
I am totally screwed.

Well, I'm sorry.

Wanna go
to a strip club?

Ok, um, I have a question.

Um, what am I
doing here exactly?

Duh! You're
waitin' for the gasman.

Hello?

Well, actually,
you both are waiting
for the gasman,

and--and this is
starting to feel...

And I don't want
to say creepy and weird,

but... no, actually,
that's the best way
to describe it,

so I'm just gonna go.

Well, if she's gonna go,
then I'm goin' back to work.

If you go,
then I'm goin' to bed.

Well, if you go to bed,

there'll be no one here
to wait for the gasman.

Oh, but you're paying me.

So, if you both go,
I'll just stay.

Well, if you're gonna stay,

then I'm not
goin' back to work.

Well, if you stay,
then I'm not goin' to bed.

Ok.

[Sighs]

Ok, here's your water.

And I just wanna
thank you again

for bailing me out.

I know I've gone back
and forth on you
once or twice.

3 times.
Right, right.

Ok. So, this is it,
the big deposition.

D-day.

The important thing is,
just be yourself, an everyman.

Just--just be real.

Am I not being
real right now?

No, no, no.
You're being very real.

You're being very real.
Just keep it up.

I'm gonna go check and see
where they're at. All right?

I'll be right back.

Hey!

Hey, honey.

What are you doing here?

I got a guy
to take my 2nd route.

I did have to promise him
I'd do his Christmas shift

and name our first kid
after him.

How do you feel
about umberto heffernan?

You did this for me?

Well, look,
you needed an expert witness.

Well, witness your expert

witness.

Look at you.

You're in uniform
and everything.

You look so friggin' real.

[Deacon clears throat]

I'm a person.

Yes, you are.

I--I didn't come to you.
You came to me.

I did. I did.
I came to you.

Don't ever come to me again.

I won't.

[Sighing]

[Phone ringing]

See you at work, guy.

Uh, 2-minute warning,
Carrie.

Oh, ok. Thank you.

All right, honey.

You're gonna be great.

Sorry you had to go through
all this craziness,

but I'm really glad
you're doin' this.

Let's light this candle.

All right, I think we're about
ready to get started here.

Have a seat.

Please state
your name and occupation.

Uh, Douglas Steven heffernan.

I deliver for
international parcel service.

Mr. heffernan,

is it your opinion
that the average driver

makes on-time delivery
their top priority?

Yes.

No further questions.

There you go.
That's my home
number and my e-mail.

Great.

You know what?
I'm--I'm off right now.

Do you wanna go
get something to eat?

Yeah, I'd--I'd love that.

Ok. Bye, guys.

Enjoy your gas.

Ugh!

These things are brutal
when they wear off.

Hey, I get 2 refills. Cool.