All language subtitles for The King of Queens - S04E08 - Life Sentence (1080p x265 EDGE2020)-ing

[T.V. Chattering]

Hmm.

What?

I'm a little parched.

[Sighs]

[Bottle clinks]

What, you want a beer?

What the hell
did you do over there?

This?

Just a little upgrade
on the night table.

Is that a refrigerator?

I like to refer to it
as a minibar, but, yes.

What do you got
in there?

Beer, devil dogs,
leftover Chinese,

cocktail sauce.
This--this is absurd.

Yeah, it's absurd until
we're up here eatin' shrimp
without any sauce.

Then not so absurd.

No, I mean the refrigerator.
The whole thing.

You can't do this.
It's just-- it's...

It's not done.

Why do you fear change?

Oh, forget it.
This is stupid.

I'm going to sleep.

All right.
Good night,
miss fridge-less.

[Exhaling]

[Fridge rumbling]

[Fridge grinding]

[Fridge stops]

[Fridge rumbling]

[Fridge humming]

It's gone in the morning.

♪ My eyes
are gettin' weary ♪

♪ my back is gettin' tight

♪ I'm sittin' here
in traffic ♪

♪ on the queensboro bridge
tonight ♪

♪ but I don't care,
'cause all I want to do ♪

♪ is cash my check
and drive right home to you ♪

♪ 'cause, baby, all my life

♪ I will be drivin'
home to you ♪

Welcome home
from the hospital, dad.

Yeah, it's really great
to have you back, Arthur.

So, how does it feel
to be home?

Delightful.

[Door closes]

So, where is everybody?

What?

For my welcome-home
surprise party.

Um, dad,
there's no surprise party.

[Laughs]
Then I guess

you won't mind
if I look behind the couch!

You just had heart surgery.

Our first thought wasn't to
have people jump out
and scare you.

Uh-huh?
Then I guess

you would have no problem
with me going

into the kitchen!

Oh, you're very good.

All right, before you look
under the sink,

we really didn't
plan a party.

Then what was
all that stalling
at the hospital?

I was gettin' the car

and apologizin' to
your scrub nurse.

So, not even a cake?

I'm sorry.

I claw my way back
from death's door,

and I don't even get a cake?

[Sighs]

Pat's bakery.
I'm takin' this.

That's stale bread
for the ducks.

It's mine now!

(Carrie)
Dad, breakfast!

(Arthur)
No, thank you!

I made you egg whites,
like they said.

(Arthur)
What's the point
without the yellow?

(Arthur)
That's the actual
baby chicken.

Why does he do that?

You gotta eat.

Want me to
bring you down a tray?

(Arthur)
No! Don't you come down here!

Something's wrong.

(Carrie)
Dad?

Dad.

(Arthur)
I'm in the bathroom.

What are you doin'
in there?

Be vague.

(Arthur)
I was stepping
from the shower,

and I started feeling
a bit woozy

from my new medication.

(Arthur)
Long story short,

I'm currently wedged between
the sink and the toilet.

Oh, my God.
Well, let us help.

Doug, go help.

No. He just got out
of the shower.

That means
everything's wet and

dangling.

Just pretend you're in
the locker room
at the gym, ok?

You told me you check out
the old guys anyway.

I will never open up
to you again.

(Arthur)
Perhaps you two would like
to argue further

as my feet go numb!

Ok, fine! God, I'll...

Comin' in, Arthur.
Oh, God.

Oh, boy.

[Doug groans]

(Doug)
God.

(Arthur)
Douglas, this may go faster

if you uncover your eyes.

(Doug)
Ok. Oh, God!

(Arthur)
Come on! Just lift me here.

(Doug)
No, I'm not gonna
lift you there.

(Arthur)
How about here?

(Doug)
I'd rather do the first one.

(Arthur)
Just lift me somewhere,
you homophobe!

Doug, help him!

(Doug)
Ok!

[Doug grunting]

(Doug)
Oh, gosh. All right. Oh, man.

[Sighing]
Ok.

[Sighs]

Ok, he's good.

Now boil me.

I am not moving up
to the guest room.

Dad, you just had surgery.
You're on new medication.

I think I need to
keep an eye on you.

Keep an eye on me?

No, thank you,
senator McCarthy!

Doug, tell him
he has to move upstairs
near us.

I can't do that.

I am not moving.

And if you force me,

I will wear
only underwear to dinner!

[Door slams]

Well, if he's not
wearin' pants,
I'm not wearin' pants.

Why does he have to
be so difficult?

I wish I still smoked,
because I could really use
a cigarette right now.

Don't stress out, all right?
He doesn't need
to move upstairs.

Doug, you saw him.
He just spent 3 hours

wedged under
a toilet tank.

That was a complete fluke.

If we dropped your father
on the bathroom floor
a thousand times,

he would never
land that way again.

All right, you know what?
Either hop on board

and help me to get him
to move upstairs,

or think of another way
I can make sure he's safe.

Ok, don't laugh.

Cowbell.

So? Did you hook it up?

Yeah.
I wired it through the cable.

Channel 3
on every t.V. In the house.

Great idea I had about
puttin' the baby cam in, huh?

Come on, give me some props.

You never gave
the cowbell a chance.

Come on, this is great.

A couple of times a day
we flick it on,

we check in on him.
He never has to know.

So, how'd you get
the camera in his room

without him seeing you?

I lured him
outside with peanuts.

What?

I put a bag of peanuts
in the backyard.

He went out and ate 'em.
Like a squirrel.

(Carrie)
Look, he's still eating them.

Oh, you really
made his day, honey.

All right,
I feel better already.

Thank you so much.

What's the matter?

Nothin'.
I'm just dealing with
the horror

of having to
see his face

on the thing I love most.

Oh, come on.
That's done.

Next thing.
Keep Monday night open.

I have our insurance guy
comin' over.

Monday night, that's football.
I have company comin' over.

Company?

That's right.
I can call my friends
"company."

Yeah, well,
tell your company
they can get drunk

and thumb-wrestle
without you.

Why do we gotta meet with
the insurance man, anyway?

Because, honey,

this whole thing with
my dad getting sick
got me thinking.

I mean, all kinds of bad stuff
can happen to us,

and we're not prepared.

I mean, we don't even have
any life insurance.

Yeah, we do.
No, we don't.

Uh, yeah, we do.
I got it when I signed up
for that sears card, remember?

I checked that box.

That's for $2,500!
That's not enough.

Well, I see
someone's plannin' to live

pretty high on the hog
when I'm dead.

Come on,
we're getting more insurance.

We need to start planning
for our future.

I have plans for our future.

Besides owning a robot.

Fine.
Now I'm gonna program him
not to love you.

Oh.

45 to 3.
It's a blowout.

Now we gotta hope
someone breaks their leg
and they keep showin' it.

Man, Doug picked
a good game to miss.

Anything else on?

Uh, let's see.

♪[Music on t.V. Playing]

Mannequin 2.

TV guide channel

what in the Sam hill?

Oh, that's my baby cam.

Doug and Carrie borrowed it
to keep an eye on Arthur.

[Spence laughs]
He doesn't know he's on TV?

(Deacon)
Nope.

All right,
come on, keep flippin'.

Oh, ok.
Um, oh, wait.
What's he doin'?

(Deacon)
Look's like
he's takin' some clothes

out of the dryer.

Huh!

So, of course if Doug were to
die suddenly, Carrie,

you would receive
the maximum payout
of this policy.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

But if Doug were to, say,

sustain a massive head injury,
which he survives,

the good news is

this policy would cover
his hospital stay,

his physical therapy,
and any life support.

That is good news.

Look at this.

He's puttin' his underwear
in the bottom drawer.

Who does that?

Underwear's top drawer.
Am I right?

Where I come from.

(Spence)
Uh, whoa, wait.
He's going back to the dryer?

(Deacon)
Yeah, he put in another load.

(Spence)
He-- when?

(Deacon)
When you were peeing.

(Spence)
What? Why don't you
tell me these things? Oh, man.

(Deacon)
Uh-oh. Look, look.

(Deacon)
He left a sock in the dryer.

Fasten your seat belts,
gentlemen.

Ok, he'll see it,
he'll see it.

(Deacon)
I don't think so, man.

(Danny)
It's right there,
hangin' out of the dryer.

(Deacon)
He doesn't see it.
He's confused.

(Spence)
Oh, God!

(Danny)
It's right there. Damn it!
Turn around!

(Deacon)
It's 2 feet
from your head, guy!

[All groaning]

(All)
No!

He threw it
in the garbage.

This--this is terrible.

Ok, I think
that the term life policy

offered by Western mutual
is best for you.

So why don't we
roll up our sleeves

and get to the nitty-gritty?

Ok. Do you own this house
and you pay a mortgage?

Yes.

And, Carrie,
if Doug were to pass away,

you would stay here,
and your father, Arthur,

would continue to
live here with you?

Yes. Definitely.

And if you were to pass away,

would your father continue
to live here with Doug?

Oh, of course.

(Bill)
Great.

(Bill)
Let's move on to
some payment options.

(Bill)
People, a lot of people
like to pay it annually,

take the medicine
in one spoonful.

Or we can break it down
for you.

You could pay semiannually,
quarterly,

some people play monthly.

Of course,
I wouldn't suggest weekly.

[Bill chuckles]
52 envelopes.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Hey. How you doin'?

You ok?
I'm fine.

Hey, how about
that insurance guy
last night, huh?

He's kinda wild, huh?

What do you mean?

Nothin'.
Just, uh, they don't paint
a pretty picture.

I'm gettin' whacked
in the head,
you're gettin' hit by a bus.

Arthur's here,
he's livin' with you,

livin' with me.
It's crazy. It's crazy.

Yeah. Dad! Breakfast!

Be right up!

[All sighing]

Well, I gotta
go to work, anyway.

Hey, tomorrow morning?
Bagels?

I'll bring 'em.

Crap. I gotta get outta here.

Honey, make sure he eats
and takes his pill, ok?

And do me a favor.
Drop him off at the y

for his art class
on your way to work?

All right?
Hey, dad. It's on the table.

All right.
I'll see you guys tonight.

Love you. Bye, daddy.

Bye, princess.

It's just you and me,
huh, Douglas?

Yeah, just you and me.

Hey! Howdy do! Welcome home.

I talk to you for a sec?

Yeah. What's up?

I was just, uh,
thinkin' about our future,

you know,
like we discussed with
the insurance guy.

Especially that thing
where if you die,

but Arthur and I, uh--
we don't?

And that thing of
him staying here with me?

That's a good option.
Definitely.
Definitely a good one.

But I guess
this is the question

I would put to you, Carrie.

Is it the best?

So, w-what are you
saying here, Doug?

That you don't want to
take care of my father
if I die?

Is that what you're saying?

I'm just saying
you sprung this on me,

and now all of a sudden,
it's decided.

I just think
we should have a good,
open conversation about it.

Ok. We're now having
an open conversation.

Do you want to
take care of my father
if I die?

Not really.

I can't believe this!

So you're just fine with
2 orderlies showing up

and dragging him away
in the dead of night?

Look, how many orderlies
there'll be

and what time of night
they get here,

that's all up for debate.

Wow! That's just...
Wow!

I mean, I don't-- I don't
even know what
to say here, Doug.

I mean, this is
my father's home. I...

I thought we were all family.

[Sighs]

I'm sorry, Carrie,

but you're actin' like
it's totally normal

for a guy to keep
living with his father-in-law
if his wife dies.

I mean,
it's till death do us part,

which I always took to mean
if there's a death,

we all part.

So this is how
you really feel?

Not me. It's in the vows.

Ok, let me ask you this.

If, um, I had a dog
when we got married

and we lived with this dog,

um, if I died,

would you-- would you
send the dog away,

or would you keep it,
take care of it?

Because this is
the dog's home.

What kind of dog?

Forget it. Forget it.

Who you callin'?

Don't worry about it.

Bill gilliard, please.

Oh, come on.
Why are you callin' him?

Because he's comin' over
tomorrow night

so we can sign the policy.

If you're not gonna
take care of my father,

he has to change the coverage.

Yes, I'll hold.

Hang up.

Why?

I'll take care of your father
if you die.

But I'm renaming him rusty.

(Carrie)
Dad, the insurance man's here.

We're comin'.

Hello. Welcome. Good evening.

What's with
the jacket and tie?

You asked me to witness
the signing of documents.

I take that responsibility
very seriously.

Arthur spooner.
Pleased to meet you.

Bill gilliard.

Would you like
a cocktail?

I make a mean Irish coffee.

[Laughs]
No, thank you.

I got whipped cream.

Guy said no.

Ok.
Just let me get set up here.

First, we'll do
the primary policy agreement.

Carrie, I'm gonna need you
to sign here.

Oh. Ok.

And, Doug,
right next to her.

Ok.

And now, as a witness,
Mr. spooner,

you sign there.

Let me just look this over.

Let's see,

"from the office
of Mr. William e. Gilliard,

"tri-borough life
insurance agency,

"816 queens boulevard

queens, New York."

Dad, all you have to do
is sign it.

I'm not signing anything
without reading it first.

"1-1-3-7-5,
November the 12th"

ok, you know what?
I-I'd like to get goin'.
Can I sign all my stuff now?

No. Could you just stay
so we could do it right?

What, you got somewhere else
you gotta be?

I got company coming over.

All right, you know what?
Stop calling your
friends company.

They're 3 losers
with nothing else to do
on a Friday night.

(Carrie)
They'll wait 10 minutes.

(Arthur)
Well, everything seems to be
in order here.

Where do I sign?

Right there.

I'll need to
notarize this,

so I'll need
both your driver's licenses.

Oh. Could you grab mine
out of my purse?

(Carrie)
Just to, uh, double-check.

The disfigurement thing
is in here?

Uh, yeah.
It's on page 7.

What the hell is this?
You're smokin' again?

Oh, no! She didn't!

No, no.
You know what?

I was holding those
for a friend.

Oh, come on, Carrie,
this is your brand.

You're smokin' again.

Are you a smoker, Carrie?
'Cause that will
raise your rates.

No, no, no.
Some people at work,
they dared me to smoke.

It was peer pressure.

I can't believe this.

You have the gall...
Yeah, that's right, gall

to ask me
to look after your father
if you die,

and you start smoking?

They're ultra lights!

Oh, please!

(Carrie)
All right, you know what?
Give me a break.

I-- I'm--I'm under
a lot of stress.

So I had a couple
of cigarettes. Big deal.

I know--I know
what you're tryin' to do.
You're tryin' to die first.

What?
That's right.

You're tryin' to die before me
so I get stuck with Arthur.

But you know what?
You can't out-die me.

Hell, I could drop tomorrow.

All right,
stop acting like an idiot.

Oh, no, no, sister.
The race is on.

Let's see what we got.

Look at this!
Whipped cream!

Oh! 16 grams of fat
per serving.

Bring it on.

All right, knock it off.

Uh-uh. No way!

Should I go?

All right, you know what?
You want to act like
a jackass?

Fine. You know what?
Then I'm smokin'.

Smoke away!
Yeah, that's right. Fine.

Yeah, 'cause I love it!

Oh, whipped cream,
come and find me!

Yeah, have a heart attack!
All right,

all right, all right.
Stop it! Stop it!

A week ago,
I was in the hospital,

and I didn't know
if my next breath
would be my last.

The happiest day of my life

was when I walked back in here
with you 2 kids.

Hey, do you think he--

[shushing]

But now,

i hear
you're just worried about

who's gonna
get stuck with me.

That hurts!

(Arthur)
Makes me feel like

i should never have gotten off
that operating table.

(Carrie)
You're right, dad. I'm...

(Carrie)
I'm sorry.

(Doug)
Yeah, uh, m-me, too, Arthur.

We're really glad
you're home, dad.

We love you.

And I love you kids, too.

(Doug)
Bill.

I think we'll sign
that policy now.

That was the best one ever.

So, uh,
what'd you think, deac?

It was good.

I'm just glad
they finally added
a black guy.

[T.V. Chattering]

[T.V. Continues chattering]

[Grunts]

[Slurping]