All language subtitles for The King of Queens - S04E05 - No Retreat (1080p x265 EDGE2020)-ing

If eatin' hotdogs
is wrong,

I don't wanna
be right.

Man, I read an article
on what actually
goes into a hotdog--

hey, man!
That's none of our concern.

Hey, listen,
on Saturday I'm takin'
my brother's boat out.

You guys wanna go
water skiing?

Not me.
Not me.

Hey, let me-- let me
tell you about the one time
I went water skiing.

Or as I like to call it
my 40-mile-an-hour enema.

I'm in the water, right?
I'm adjustin' my vest,

and the guys I'm with, they--
they--they just take off,
you know.

So I'm screamin',
"stop, stop!"

And they're like--
hey, guys.

Hey. Listen, I'm telling
my water skiing story.

Oh, did you throw in
your 40-mile-an-hour enema
line yet?

Yes, I did, and it was
very well received.

[All laugh]

Finally, I get up for,
like, 2 seconds,
and then I wipe out.

I hit the water,

my bathing suit
literally explodes
on impact.

So I'm just floatin' there,
and I--

oh, do the floaty thing.

Oh, I'm--I'm like this.
Whoa, whoa, I'm floatin'.

And I realize I scream
exactly the same

if a great white
is gonna attack me

or if a piece of seaweed
touches my foot.

[All laughing]

Same scream.

All right, I'm gonna
go finish packing.

I wanna leave
early tomorrow.

Bye, you guys.
Later, carr.

Where you guys goin'?

Oh, Carrie's got a retreat
with her law firm upstate.

Sounds brutal.

Yeah, but it's a big deal
for her.

Listen, deac, could I get you
to check in on Arthur?

There's no, uh, washing
or wiping involved, is there?

No, he's still
on top of that.
Ok.

All right,
who needs another brew?

Oh, right here.

All righty.

Oh, look.

Look at the tie I bought you
for the retreat.

It's gonna go great
with your brown jacket.

Yeah,
the, uh, brown jacket

doesn't close in the
traditional sense anymore.

What? Why didn't you
tell me that before?
I could have had it altered.

I'll wear
my blue jacket.

What're you getting
so worked up about?

Because, Doug,
this is the first time

I've been invited
to--to--to a work function

where I'm actually a guest.

Where my name
will just be Carrie.

Not "Carrie, coffee, now!"

Ok, ok.

Well, if any of
the senior partners
are gonna be there,

you know, I wanna work
for one of these guys.

Their secretaries
make a lot of money.

They have their own offices.
They're on the lunch list!

Ok, honey, I'm with you.

I'll go. I'll--I'll dress up.
I'll be your trophy husband.

I know that's why
you married me.

Thanks, honey.

You-you're being great
about this.

Come on, I love you, you know.
I'm here for you.

Oh, oh, and I--I bought you
another thing for the trip.

A book?

Yeah. Yeah. I heard
it's supposed to be great.

It's about those guys
who climbed mt. Everest.

I thought you might want
somethin' to read.

I have never wanted
something to read.

You know,
here's the thing, honey.

Um, I was looking
at the, uh,

the brochure
for the lodge up there,

and, um, the thing is
there's no t.V.

♪ My eyes are gettin' weary

♪ my back is gettin' tight

♪ I'm sittin' here
in traffic ♪

♪ on the queensborough bridge
tonight ♪

♪ but I don't care,
'cause all I want to do ♪

♪ is cash my check
and drive right home to you ♪

♪ 'cause, baby, all my life

♪ I will be drivin'
home to you ♪

Isn't this great?

Ok, I'm the only one
in a tie.

But you look nice.

Carrie, a guy thought
I was the manager,

and told me the toilet
won't stop flushing in 312.

It'll be fine,
all right.

I wanna-- I wanna
schmooze everybody.

Let's heffernate
the place.

Mr. Thompson, hi.

Hi.

I wanna congratulate you
on becoming partner.

Oh, thanks.

This is
my husband Doug.

Doug, this is
Mr. Thompson.

He just made partner.

Oh, really? Wow.

Howdy, partner.

Hey, Carrie,
real quick.

I want you to meet
sue rabinowitz.

You talk to her
all the time
on the phone,

and she wants to put
a face with the name.

Sure. Excuse me
for one minute.

[Whispering]
No, Carrie, wait, please,
God, I hate you.

[Clears throat]
So, partner.

Actually, it's been
quite a journey there, Doug.

Uh, you know, funny story.

Um, or-originally,
I was admitted

to the bar in Virginia, uh,

and then I--I made my way
back up to New York there,

so I had to take
a new bar exam.

Now, that was difficult

because some of the laws
are similar,

and then some of them
are slightly different.

[T.V. Playing]

[Man chattering on t.V.]

I see you're
enjoying the doodles.

Yeah.

[Men continue chattering
on t.V.]

You realize
Doug and Carrie

left me a limited supply
of food.

I--I brought this
from my house

and I left you another bag,
right there.

Why don't you check
the attitude, son?

I'm gonna get a glass
of water. You want some?

No. Look,
I'm 76 years old,

and I don't need
a baby-sitter!

I should be
baby-sitting you.

Look, man, Doug just asked me
to check in on you.

I'm just being nice.

Nice, my ass!

You just like
playing God.

I could be at home
with my wife and kids.

Do you also sit
in front of them,

eatin' cheese puffs
like a Wolverine?

Do you want me to leave?

I want that with
every fiber of my being!

Fine, then I'm out of here.

Good!

And thank you
for the doodle crumbs!

Ok, so, as the head of
the contract department,

what I do is

I sit down with
all our corporate officers

and, uh, together
we draw up the various...

(Doug)
I should be listening.

I just can't lock in.

Ok, if I start listening now,
i might get into it.

...documents, now...

Ok, now.

...documents ready.

Now!

Damn it!

You have to do
the whole thing over again.

Now, there's, uh,
a green copy, a pink copy...

I wonder if I could lift
this guy with one arm.

Sorry, uh,
I'm done in here.

Hey, how's it comin'
with my toilet?

Oh, I, uh,
I--I sent the guy up.

...around here somewhere.

Uh, listen, if you--
if you can't make it happen,

I'll take my business
elsewhere, ok?

Honey, I--I wanna--

I wanna introduce you
to someone important.
Uh-huh, no, no, no.

I understand that,

but I'm--I'm at my wife's
retreat right now, ok?

I don't have time to be--

[cell phone rings]

Whoa. Whoa. This thing's
going crazy, man.

I'm talkin'. She's ringin'.

Doug heffernan.
How are you?

[Sighs]

[Doorbell rings]

Hi. I have chicken kebabs

and a quart
of curry clam soup.

Well, thank you,
my good lad.

I'll tell you, you build up
quite an appetite

delivering packages,
which is what I do.

[T.V. Playing]

(Man on t.V.)
It has been written
since the beginning of time,

even unto these
ancient stones,

that evil, supernatural
creatures exist...

You sure your company's
paying for all this?

'Cause if they're not,
it's gonna affect my choices.

Yes, Doug,
it's all free.

But just do me a favor.
Try not to eat the door.

Whoa.

Where the hell
is that comin' from?

Where's it coming from?

How about your
pathetic performance
down there?

What? What mixer
were you at?

Oh, ok, any of these things
ring a bell?

Uh, avoiding eye contact,
faking cell phone calls,

and did I see you running
a floor polisher?

I was moving it
to a safer place.

Do you know
who that was

I was trying
to introduce you to?

That was Lou kaplan, ok?
He's a senior partner.

And you know
what I just found out?
His secretary's leaving.

And I want that job, Doug!

But what do you care?
Right? It-it's amazing.

And when you're
with your friends,

you're funny,
y-you're telling stories,

but up here, you're like
a friggin' idiot!

You know what?
My friends are
a little more fun

than these guys.

[Droning]
Oh, yes, the documentation
of the document

was very well,
um, documented.

Really? Tell me
that story again,
from the beginning!

You know what,
if that's not exciting enough,

I can always come upstairs
here and read!

Yeah, oh! A harrowing climb
from base camp to 29,028 feet.

[Mimicking farting]

All right,
you know what, Doug?

Nobody told you
this was gonna be

the best weekend
of your life,

but you're here for me.

Just like when I--
when I went up

to buffalo with you
for sausage fest.

That was
a "you" weekend.

But did I shut down?

No, I did not.

I entered and won
a very embarrassing contest.

Why?
Because I love you.

And I'm just--just asking
the same from you.

All right. I'm sorry, ok?

I'll--I'll try
to be better tomorrow.

[Yawning]

[Screaming]

[Arthur continues screaming]

So I said,
"are you a judge

or you just like
wearing the robe?"

[All laugh]

That's so true.

Yes, it is. You are
one bad senior partner.

You said you would try,
so jump in.

I did. I talked
about the eggs.

You said you got eggs.
That's not enough.

So now, my grandson tells me
he needs a jet ski,

and on top of that,
he wants to turn professional.

Oh, he's talkin'
about jet skiing.

Tell him your
water skiing story. Come on.

This way to Mr. kaplan.
Speaking of jet skiing,

Doug has a funny story
about water skiing.

Oh, oh, great,
just one sec.

So, bottom line,
I tell my daughter

to get him the best
jet ski they make.

I don't care
what it costs.

I mean, the kid has
cystic fibrosis.

I just want to see him happy,
you know.

How's the little guy doin'?

Not so good.

So, Doug, you have
a water skiing story?

(Deacon)
Oh, man!

What the hell
happened here?

Ugh.

What is that smell?
Whew.

That may or may not be

the curry clam soup
I spilled on the bed.

How did you spill soup
on their bed?

Well, technically,
I was in their bed.

Well, did you wipe it up
with Doug's uniform?

Technically, I was
in Doug's uniform.

Uh, let me get this straight.

You were in Doug's uniform,
eating soup in their bed?

Those are the tent poles
of the story, yes.

Were you trying to be Doug?

Look, we can stand here
all day and point fingers

or we can work as a team
and get this place cleaned up!

And then, uh, I fall,
and, uh,

my bathing suit

literally explodes
on impact.

And, uh, I'm just, like,
I'm--I'm floating there,
you know,

I'm floatin' there,
it was like, whoa.

Don't float.
Hmm?

Don't float.

And, uh, ahem,
and then, uh,

uh, seaweed touched me,
and it was-- it was gross.

[Gasps]

The end.

That's some story.

I tell you, Doug,
you may want to look into

editing that bad boy.

Well, this has been
a super breakfast.

That's the last thing
I'm saying all weekend.

You were just thrown
by the fibrosis thing.
Don't give up.

I just want to say
thank you so much

for hosting
this whole thing.
It's really great up here.

Oh, yeah. I love it here
in the mountains.

You know,
when I was younger,

I used to climb
these things.

Oh, yeah.
Climbing's great.

Uh, you a climbing guy?

Yeah, yeah,
a little bit, yeah.

Nothing like it, is there?

No, there is not.

How high up you been?

Hmm?

What's the highest elevation
you hit?

Uh, oh, uh,
29,028 feet. Yeah.

29,000 feet?
That's Everest.

You've climbed mount Everest?

Yes, I did.

Why would you say
you climbed mount Everest?

I don't know!

What were you thinking?

I don't know!

You were pinchin' me
and pokin' me.

He brought up
Mountain climbing.

I--I remembered
the book.

The book isn't about you!

I know that now!

See, see? This is why
I don't read.

Ok, you know what?
You know what?

You know what,
for the rest of the trip,

you stay in this room,
and you will make

a very brief appearance
at the final dinner, ok?

A lot of lawyers do that
with their alcoholic wives.

It works.

Fine, yeah,
I'll stay in the room.

You know what I'll do?
I'll just watch t.V.

Hey, look what's on.
Flowers!

[Phone ringing]

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Oh, oh, all right.
Yeah, no, we can make it.

Ok. We'll see you then.

Bye-bye.

Crap!

What?

That was Mr. kaplan.

Apparently now he finds
my husband,

the Mountain climber,
delightful.

We're going horseback riding
with him in 15 minutes.

Wh-what? We can't!
He'll grill me about Everest!

I-- maybe he won't ask.

Carrie, I scaled
the highest Mountain
in the world.

Who wouldn't ask
about that?

I'm fascinating.

Oh, you're right.
What are we gonna do?

Here, we've got about
6 and a half minutes. Read.

We need to know
where mount Everest is,

what kind of equipment
you need.

Is there any good
Mountain lingo in there?

What's it say?
What's it say?

I'm looking!
I'm looking!

Hey, this guy
lost a big toe.

I'm very screwed.

Yeah, I'll never
forget it,

up there on Everest.

It was so cold,
you know?

Snow was everywhere.

So much snow

that, like,

schools would be closed
for 2 or 3 days.

I mean if they had
schools up there.

I don't-- I didn't see any.
I did see a seesaw.

And when exactly
did you lose the big toe?

Uh, oh,
I don't even know.

I just took my boot off,
and, uh, it was gone.

Yes. He still
has trouble balancing.

You know,
I envy you, Doug.

I'm tough as nails
in the courtroom,

but I wonder if I could have
held up on that hill.

I think you would have been
pretty great.

Thanks. Means a lot.

Hey, you know,

next weekend,
you and Carrie

should come up to our house
in Connecticut.

Do you like
hot-air ballooning?

Uh, uh--

we love it!

I would pick up
the broken glass
from the crystal swan

before I put
the mattress back.

Hey, I think
I can handle it.

I would put
the other side up.

Stop telling me
what to do!

Well, if you put the mattress
soup side down,

it's gonna get moldy.
Any idiot knows that!

You got soup on both sides
and on the wall!

What'd you do,
pour it through a fan?

Look, don't make this
a black-white thing, ok?

You're out of your mind.
I'm goin' home.

You can't go!

Douglas will smack me around
like a pinata.

Good.

I am not going away
on another weekend with him!

Why? I think
hot-air ballooning
sounds fun!

No. You told me
that all I had to do

was get through this ride.
That's all I'm doing.

And look how great
you're doing.

You're up on that horse.

You're lying like
a son of a bitch--
no!

Come on.

If we go away with him,
I can have a lock
on that job.

One float in a basket
over Connecticut.

I'll bring chicken.

Ok, you are now
officially insane.

I tried my best here, but now
you've crossed the line.

I'm--I'm done schmoozing.

I'm done lying.
I'm done reading.

I'm done!

Me and whiskers,
you know what,
we're out of here.

We're out of here, man.

I don't need
any of this.

Yeah, tell me.

Tell me.

Oh, yeah.

I don't need you.

[Exclaiming]

Giddy-up!

I'm, oh,
we're outta here.

[Exclaiming]

Yee-yah!

Whoa! Yeah!

(Doug)
Yeah.

[Whiskers neighing]

(Doug)
Oh, God!

Oh, God! Ok. Ok.

Oh, sweet lord.

So outta here. So outta here.
I don't need you.

So don't need you.

I am outta here.
I am so outta here.

Come on back, whiskers.

We can walk.

We can walk.
Yes, we can.

Your shoulder
still hurtin', baby?

It's better that
it's back in the socket.

At least it got us out
of hot-air balloonin', huh?

Yes, honey.
You were so great--

yeah-- ow!

Oh, so sorry.

Mama.
Yes.

You were really great
this weekend, sweetie.

I know I went
a little nuts.

I'll get that job somehow.

You don't have to worry
about it.

You ever think of just
sleeping with the guy?

Yeah, um, actually I talked
to his, uh, current secretary.

Apparently
it's a lot of work.

(Carrie)
Oh, hi, daddy.

Darling. Douglas.

How was your weekend?

Quite nice, except
when your friend Deacon
stopped by.

Why? What happened?

He lurched in here,
reeking of soup and bourbon,

went right up
into your bedroom.

I heard some noise,

but I didn't think
it was my place

to go into
your private quarters.

(Carrie)
Oh, my God!

(Doug)
Sweet t.V.