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1
00:00:01,343 --> 00:00:04,274
(Gretchen moaning, Jimmy panting)
2
00:00:04,309 --> 00:00:07,474
Oh, God. Oh, shit!
3
00:00:07,509 --> 00:00:10,044
- Uh-huh.
- (moans)
4
00:00:10,079 --> 00:00:11,963
I'm gonna come! I'm gonna come!
5
00:00:11,998 --> 00:00:13,003
- Um...
- I'm gonna come.
6
00:00:13,038 --> 00:00:14,578
Why do you always announce it?
7
00:00:14,613 --> 00:00:16,571
- What?
- You always announce it.
8
00:00:16,615 --> 00:00:18,176
- I do?
- Always.
9
00:00:18,277 --> 00:00:19,328
I don't know. I guess I just want
10
00:00:19,363 --> 00:00:20,842
everyone to be clear that, uh...
11
00:00:20,882 --> 00:00:23,279
- That this is Gretchen's moment.
- Yeah.
12
00:00:23,314 --> 00:00:24,828
Gretchen has the floor.
13
00:00:25,658 --> 00:00:27,368
(grunting)
14
00:00:27,403 --> 00:00:29,742
(both moaning)
15
00:00:29,827 --> 00:00:32,053
- Oh, yeah. Oh, shit.
- Oh. Oh, yeah!
16
00:00:32,131 --> 00:00:33,884
- I'm gonna...
- No! Wait.
17
00:00:33,919 --> 00:00:35,070
Jesus. What?
18
00:00:35,105 --> 00:00:36,223
Gretchen has the floor!
19
00:00:36,284 --> 00:00:37,660
I don't know what to tell you.
20
00:00:37,714 --> 00:00:40,293
We can, you know, both.
21
00:00:40,347 --> 00:00:41,645
Like, at the same time?
22
00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:43,629
- Why not?
- I don't know.
23
00:00:44,772 --> 00:00:45,931
Will it be scary?
24
00:00:45,966 --> 00:00:47,618
- I don't know. It might.
- (moans)
25
00:00:47,653 --> 00:00:49,636
- Wait, I can't... I can't stop it.
- Oh, me neither.
26
00:00:49,714 --> 00:00:52,513
- I can't stop it. (moaning)
- Here I...
27
00:00:52,548 --> 00:00:55,219
(shouting)
28
00:00:55,254 --> 00:00:57,114
(laughs)
29
00:00:57,149 --> 00:00:59,303
(chuckling, panting)
30
00:00:59,338 --> 00:01:02,913
(both panting)
31
00:01:02,948 --> 00:01:05,110
You were so quiet.
32
00:01:05,527 --> 00:01:06,996
You had the floor.
33
00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:08,615
Aw.
34
00:01:08,662 --> 00:01:10,211
(chuckling)
35
00:01:12,499 --> 00:01:14,049
36
00:01:17,462 --> 00:01:20,517
I'm gonna leave you anyway
37
00:01:20,610 --> 00:01:22,928
I'm gonna leave you anyway
38
00:01:23,014 --> 00:01:25,536
Gonna leave you anyway.
39
00:01:25,571 --> 00:01:30,194
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com
40
00:01:32,916 --> 00:01:34,263
Ow!
41
00:01:34,298 --> 00:01:35,526
Oh, stop.
42
00:01:35,580 --> 00:01:37,078
It's a soft case.
43
00:01:37,141 --> 00:01:38,776
(groans)
44
00:01:40,629 --> 00:01:42,144
I'm gonna take a shower.
45
00:01:42,191 --> 00:01:44,233
Might take a second.
I'm gonna wash my legs.
46
00:01:44,647 --> 00:01:46,933
- You mean shave your legs?
- No.
47
00:01:47,379 --> 00:01:48,654
I'm sorry?
48
00:01:48,907 --> 00:01:52,323
Implying that you don't
usually wash your legs?
49
00:01:52,432 --> 00:01:53,312
No.
50
00:01:53,347 --> 00:01:54,545
You don't wash your legs?
51
00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:56,064
No way. What am I, a sucker?
52
00:01:56,145 --> 00:01:59,385
What, you take showers, and
you don't wash your legs?
53
00:01:59,445 --> 00:02:03,667
What am I gonna do, like,
bend down and wash my legs?
54
00:02:03,702 --> 00:02:04,714
Who has the time?
55
00:02:04,777 --> 00:02:08,578
Yesterday, you spent
two hours drawing a maze.
56
00:02:08,618 --> 00:02:11,679
Yeah. And how do you think I had
time to draw that sick-ass maze?
57
00:02:11,757 --> 00:02:13,862
No wonder you haven't
finished your book, Jimbo.
58
00:02:13,897 --> 00:02:15,641
Too busy washing your legs.
59
00:02:15,711 --> 00:02:19,243
Yeah, it's book proposal.
And it's nearly done.
60
00:02:19,572 --> 00:02:21,135
Hey, I forgot to mention!
61
00:02:21,213 --> 00:02:24,170
Sam and the boys are having a
big secret reunion show tonight.
62
00:02:24,222 --> 00:02:25,772
- You want to come?
- Nope.
63
00:02:25,817 --> 00:02:27,518
It's a really important night.
64
00:02:27,962 --> 00:02:28,781
Free booze.
65
00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:29,995
I'll be there.
66
00:02:30,109 --> 00:02:31,892
Mm. Love you.
67
00:02:34,038 --> 00:02:35,817
What did you say?
68
00:02:37,354 --> 00:02:39,370
Oh, my God, are you serious?
69
00:02:39,433 --> 00:02:41,224
W-We said it.
70
00:02:41,290 --> 00:02:44,135
No way! I didn't say it!
71
00:02:44,170 --> 00:02:46,571
Uh, the night of Becca and Vernon's party.
72
00:02:46,606 --> 00:02:48,745
We both said... You said it first!
73
00:02:48,780 --> 00:02:50,556
I was blackout drunk!
74
00:02:50,591 --> 00:02:51,217
Why would you take
75
00:02:51,252 --> 00:02:52,190
- anything I said seriously?
- I seriously think
76
00:02:52,225 --> 00:02:54,659
- that you may have a drinking problem.
- I don't have a problem.
77
00:02:54,746 --> 00:02:56,572
- You know what, I'm not gonna let this bother me.
- Maybe you have
78
00:02:56,609 --> 00:02:59,393
a "believing things
drunk people say" problem.
79
00:02:59,576 --> 00:03:03,378
I told you, from the beginning,
I don't believe in it.
80
00:03:03,413 --> 00:03:05,334
- But you said it.
- I might also have said
81
00:03:05,418 --> 00:03:07,592
that I don't have an
opinion on your pubic hair,
82
00:03:07,627 --> 00:03:09,746
or that I was gonna help
Edgar with his r?sum?.
83
00:03:09,794 --> 00:03:11,254
Doesn't make them true.
84
00:03:12,878 --> 00:03:15,211
(door opens, slams)
85
00:03:24,241 --> 00:03:25,373
Babe.
86
00:03:26,413 --> 00:03:27,529
Babe?
87
00:03:29,072 --> 00:03:31,068
Dude with his face in my business.
88
00:03:31,103 --> 00:03:33,232
EDGAR: Uh, what's the matter?
89
00:03:33,302 --> 00:03:36,839
Just, um, you've been doing
that for, like, a half hour.
90
00:03:36,917 --> 00:03:39,231
Uh, uh, attention to
detail. It's an Army thing...
91
00:03:39,283 --> 00:03:41,644
When are you gonna do me already?
92
00:03:41,679 --> 00:03:44,284
I like making you feel good.
93
00:03:45,101 --> 00:03:46,397
Is this your way of apologizing
94
00:03:46,459 --> 00:03:48,301
for backing out of moving in together?
95
00:03:48,372 --> 00:03:50,576
If so, forgiven.
96
00:03:50,919 --> 00:03:54,355
Anyway, who am I to look a gift... whore?
97
00:03:54,390 --> 00:03:56,551
- Gift head?
- Gift mouth in the mouth.
98
00:03:56,586 --> 00:03:57,835
There it is.
99
00:03:59,593 --> 00:04:00,098
(sighs)
100
00:04:00,133 --> 00:04:01,502
Okay.
101
00:04:06,351 --> 00:04:07,069
(moans softly)
102
00:04:07,104 --> 00:04:09,855
NARRATOR (over TV): For Mary,
it was one argument too many.
103
00:04:09,890 --> 00:04:11,446
PAUL: Lindsay!
104
00:04:11,481 --> 00:04:12,873
(characters shouting over TV)
105
00:04:12,948 --> 00:04:15,175
Lindsay, come out here!
106
00:04:15,210 --> 00:04:17,100
MAN: Your mother cannot stay indef...
107
00:04:19,682 --> 00:04:22,591
Oh. Okay, let me go put on my biking Spanx.
108
00:04:22,626 --> 00:04:25,244
No, honey. You don't understand.
109
00:04:26,583 --> 00:04:28,917
(car approaching)
110
00:04:30,379 --> 00:04:32,509
(tires screech, horn honks)
111
00:04:32,544 --> 00:04:34,920
Being back in this house, I realized
112
00:04:35,036 --> 00:04:37,463
I created a life apart from you.
113
00:04:37,498 --> 00:04:38,398
All my hobbies,
114
00:04:38,433 --> 00:04:40,807
my Internet activity,
my secret bank account...
115
00:04:40,842 --> 00:04:41,375
Your what now?
116
00:04:41,410 --> 00:04:45,780
All these separate things
created malignant distance
117
00:04:45,852 --> 00:04:47,341
between us.
118
00:04:48,969 --> 00:04:51,289
LINDSAY: You're throwing
away all your nerd stuff?
119
00:04:51,324 --> 00:04:54,492
From this moment on, my sole focus
120
00:04:55,139 --> 00:04:58,227
will be on things we can do together.
121
00:04:58,773 --> 00:04:59,747
(Lindsay gasps)
122
00:04:59,782 --> 00:05:03,406
(squeals, giggles)
123
00:05:03,441 --> 00:05:05,328
Ah-ah-ah.
124
00:05:05,399 --> 00:05:07,909
I have a very special evening planned.
125
00:05:07,971 --> 00:05:09,684
- My special night?
- Tonight,
126
00:05:09,740 --> 00:05:12,705
we launch our life, truly together.
127
00:05:12,775 --> 00:05:13,942
As a family.
128
00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:16,161
Family.
129
00:05:16,666 --> 00:05:18,833
130
00:05:24,291 --> 00:05:26,458
(sizzling)
131
00:05:30,337 --> 00:05:31,721
EDGAR: Breakfast...
132
00:05:31,756 --> 00:05:33,329
tots.
133
00:05:33,806 --> 00:05:37,081
This is completely...
134
00:05:37,116 --> 00:05:38,308
brilliant.
135
00:05:38,343 --> 00:05:40,878
Why have you just thought of these now?
136
00:05:40,925 --> 00:05:42,856
I'm more creative when I'm upset.
137
00:05:42,891 --> 00:05:44,224
Oh.
138
00:05:47,776 --> 00:05:49,027
I have a problem.
139
00:05:49,190 --> 00:05:52,093
Mm. Having a problem is
your defining characteristic.
140
00:05:52,131 --> 00:05:55,352
No, I have a real problem. Um...
141
00:05:56,380 --> 00:05:59,037
ever since they switched
some of my meds, I've been...
142
00:05:59,245 --> 00:06:01,240
having a little trouble in the bedroom.
143
00:06:01,275 --> 00:06:03,609
What, night screamings?
Sleep-to-rage?
144
00:06:03,679 --> 00:06:05,760
Waking up thinking, "Why am I here?
145
00:06:05,814 --> 00:06:07,931
Oh, right. Yeah, I'm
freeloading off Jimmy."
146
00:06:07,985 --> 00:06:11,127
No. Bed-room.
147
00:06:12,267 --> 00:06:15,527
Oh, my God! Jesus, man. Are you serious?
148
00:06:15,605 --> 00:06:17,288
It's not like nothing happens,
149
00:06:17,343 --> 00:06:19,790
but more like it starts to happen,
150
00:06:19,861 --> 00:06:22,022
then it gets halfway there and is like...
151
00:06:22,077 --> 00:06:23,817
(dopey voice): "Nope,
I'm going back to bed."
152
00:06:23,870 --> 00:06:28,045
I've gone years now successfully
never picturing your penis.
153
00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:31,033
And now... there it is.
154
00:06:32,404 --> 00:06:34,323
Just maybe try to...
155
00:06:34,758 --> 00:06:37,685
kink it back into working order, huh?
156
00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:40,016
What have you two tried? Latex?
157
00:06:40,051 --> 00:06:41,018
Smooshing?
158
00:06:41,053 --> 00:06:42,874
Medical play? Size training?
159
00:06:42,913 --> 00:06:44,628
CFNM? Funneling?
160
00:06:44,663 --> 00:06:45,556
Hazyface?
161
00:06:45,591 --> 00:06:47,548
Clit negging? Ladyboy?
162
00:06:47,583 --> 00:06:49,108
Nothing. Just regular.
163
00:06:49,143 --> 00:06:52,992
Well, then your penis is
clearly bored to death.
164
00:06:53,027 --> 00:06:54,139
Just try something.
165
00:06:54,217 --> 00:06:55,894
Maybe start with some light
166
00:06:55,985 --> 00:06:57,265
role-playing.
167
00:06:57,300 --> 00:06:58,660
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna try
168
00:06:58,695 --> 00:07:02,136
and finish my breakfast without
thinking about your penis.
169
00:07:02,171 --> 00:07:04,453
- B?chamel?
- Uh, I'm done.
170
00:07:06,947 --> 00:07:09,609
(bluesy rock music playing)
171
00:07:09,701 --> 00:07:11,223
- One, two, three.
- I already have...
172
00:07:11,258 --> 00:07:12,919
Mm?
173
00:07:13,001 --> 00:07:14,334
Okay.
174
00:07:17,013 --> 00:07:18,811
Let's do Lemon Drops next.
175
00:07:18,846 --> 00:07:20,171
Don't you have work?
176
00:07:20,305 --> 00:07:21,881
(scoffs) Have you seen what I do?
177
00:07:21,928 --> 00:07:23,526
Now that you mention it, I've never known.
178
00:07:23,608 --> 00:07:26,728
How does it work? Like,
with Sam. Who pays you?
179
00:07:26,789 --> 00:07:28,265
The company for which I work.
180
00:07:28,314 --> 00:07:30,565
A company hired you?
181
00:07:30,768 --> 00:07:34,069
They interviewed you and
then offered you a job?
182
00:07:36,181 --> 00:07:37,555
(groans)
183
00:07:37,777 --> 00:07:40,532
Ooh, let's try cosmos next, like ladies.
184
00:07:40,567 --> 00:07:41,961
Cosmos. (chuckles)
185
00:07:42,023 --> 00:07:43,751
Why are you asking me questions?
186
00:07:43,814 --> 00:07:45,399
It's just funny.
187
00:07:45,434 --> 00:07:47,379
With this insane revelation that,
188
00:07:47,414 --> 00:07:50,114
for some reason, you don't wash your legs.
189
00:07:50,149 --> 00:07:51,803
No need. Water falls on them.
190
00:07:51,838 --> 00:07:53,244
Oh, my God.
191
00:07:53,279 --> 00:07:54,739
Anyway, had you not said anything,
192
00:07:54,774 --> 00:07:57,338
I might have never known this fact.
193
00:07:57,652 --> 00:07:59,318
So? Chug.
194
00:07:59,353 --> 00:08:03,378
So? The unknowable is terrifying, Gretchen.
195
00:08:03,413 --> 00:08:06,085
That's why humanity explores.
196
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:07,585
To shine a light
197
00:08:07,652 --> 00:08:10,653
on the frightening dark that surrounds us.
198
00:08:10,688 --> 00:08:13,953
Thus, immediately upon learning
that you don't wash your legs...
199
00:08:13,988 --> 00:08:15,810
itself unimportant...
200
00:08:15,872 --> 00:08:20,272
I'm now thrust into wondering:
what else don't I know?
201
00:08:20,342 --> 00:08:22,830
About me? Ooh, okay.
202
00:08:22,901 --> 00:08:25,616
Um, I dated two of the Baldwins.
203
00:08:25,651 --> 00:08:29,205
I competed in the U.S. Teen
Nationals for show jumping.
204
00:08:29,273 --> 00:08:31,163
- In horsery?
- Yes, horsery.
205
00:08:31,198 --> 00:08:31,906
For ten months,
206
00:08:31,941 --> 00:08:34,426
I did ink work for a
professional counterfeiter.
207
00:08:34,461 --> 00:08:36,197
I've never eaten a blueberry.
208
00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:38,615
They are doll eyes. Think about it.
209
00:08:39,406 --> 00:08:40,690
Drink.
210
00:08:41,565 --> 00:08:43,598
How do I not know any of this?
211
00:08:44,103 --> 00:08:46,400
(sighs) I can't do a cartwheel.
212
00:08:46,435 --> 00:08:48,121
An owl tried to kill me at Bible camp.
213
00:08:48,156 --> 00:08:49,625
- What?
- Big sumbitch.
214
00:08:49,678 --> 00:08:51,214
Sluiced right through the night air,
215
00:08:51,260 --> 00:08:53,177
silent as shit. (whooshes)
216
00:08:53,212 --> 00:08:54,762
- I think there's still a scar if you want...
- No, no, no, no.
217
00:08:54,797 --> 00:08:56,825
What kind of camp did you say?
218
00:08:56,860 --> 00:08:58,604
Bible camp. See, my real problem is
219
00:08:58,639 --> 00:09:00,855
I was wearing a headband with
a cute little mouse on it.
220
00:09:00,890 --> 00:09:02,430
Gretchen, are you religious?
221
00:09:02,465 --> 00:09:03,983
- No!
- (sighs)
222
00:09:04,018 --> 00:09:06,666
I consider myself more generally spiritual.
223
00:09:08,184 --> 00:09:09,575
Drink.
224
00:09:11,377 --> 00:09:14,175
Whew! I am hammered!
225
00:09:14,210 --> 00:09:16,075
Are you hammered?
226
00:09:16,117 --> 00:09:17,757
You're the best.
227
00:09:17,851 --> 00:09:19,610
I'm so glad you're my boyfriend.
228
00:09:19,645 --> 00:09:22,306
- Mm.
- Look, I know we weren't gonna say it,
229
00:09:22,341 --> 00:09:25,110
but... screw it.
230
00:09:25,173 --> 00:09:26,487
I love you, Jimmy.
231
00:09:26,553 --> 00:09:28,313
- I love you.
- I knew it.
232
00:09:28,348 --> 00:09:30,673
Psyche! Nice try, dummy.
I've had five shots.
233
00:09:30,708 --> 00:09:33,753
I could fly a plane after five shots. Bye.
234
00:09:36,629 --> 00:09:39,154
He doesn't remember saying
it. Little punk-ass bitch.
235
00:09:39,189 --> 00:09:42,188
I've done tons of stuff
drunk, and it all counts:
236
00:09:42,259 --> 00:09:45,281
my wedding, driving school,
237
00:09:45,351 --> 00:09:47,000
all my dentist appointments.
238
00:09:47,035 --> 00:09:50,493
Getting vag-fected by Paul's
wriggly little jizz monsters?
239
00:09:50,621 --> 00:09:51,686
Ow! No! Ow!
240
00:09:51,783 --> 00:09:53,665
- Don't pinch me!
- We are having this baby!
241
00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:55,351
- It's a fresh start.
- Stop!
242
00:09:55,386 --> 00:09:56,173
- You bitch!
- Quit it!
243
00:09:56,208 --> 00:09:57,510
Stop it!
244
00:09:58,082 --> 00:09:59,979
We're supposed to be having a meeting
245
00:10:00,014 --> 00:10:02,387
about the secret reunion show tonight.
246
00:10:02,422 --> 00:10:04,752
You're early. It's still my lunch hour.
247
00:10:06,951 --> 00:10:08,472
I will eat those later.
248
00:10:08,553 --> 00:10:10,095
You're not having this baby.
249
00:10:10,464 --> 00:10:11,457
(gasps)
250
00:10:11,492 --> 00:10:15,380
Unfortunately, being keenly in
tune with the human condition
251
00:10:15,415 --> 00:10:18,489
means that after hearing this
idiotic shit for the past ten minutes,
252
00:10:18,571 --> 00:10:20,656
I have thoughts. Bitch,
253
00:10:20,715 --> 00:10:23,149
- he does not love you.
- Oh, goddamn it!
254
00:10:23,184 --> 00:10:24,956
SAM: When you say "I love you,"
255
00:10:24,991 --> 00:10:28,978
it's supposed to be romantic and/or highly
256
00:10:29,016 --> 00:10:29,960
sexual.
257
00:10:29,995 --> 00:10:32,609
Or when you're so overwhelmed by
what perfection is in front of you...
258
00:10:32,644 --> 00:10:35,105
If you say the word "Jaclyn" one more time,
259
00:10:35,140 --> 00:10:37,363
I will gag you with that
raggedy-ass bandanna!
260
00:10:37,426 --> 00:10:38,891
I've never loved anyone.
261
00:10:38,964 --> 00:10:41,543
I guess it's because I never
felt worthy of love in return.
262
00:10:41,578 --> 00:10:45,111
Be the CEO of your own life, Gretch.
263
00:10:45,146 --> 00:10:46,963
Don't wait for no one to say it to you.
264
00:10:46,998 --> 00:10:49,703
Every morning in the mirror,
I purse my pillow lips up
265
00:10:49,738 --> 00:10:52,800
and stare into my apple
juice eyes, and I be like,
266
00:10:52,934 --> 00:10:54,319
"I love you.
267
00:10:54,377 --> 00:10:56,429
"I love you, Sam.
268
00:10:56,503 --> 00:10:58,329
I love you!"
269
00:10:59,107 --> 00:11:01,211
- (exhales)
- "Apple juice eyes"?
270
00:11:01,246 --> 00:11:03,489
Don't be trying to play
like they ain't rich,
271
00:11:03,524 --> 00:11:05,383
delicious, apple juice.
272
00:11:05,444 --> 00:11:07,527
That's why no one loves you.
273
00:11:08,963 --> 00:11:10,914
Anyway, dudes don't say it with words,
274
00:11:10,996 --> 00:11:12,661
they say it with actions.
275
00:11:13,194 --> 00:11:15,405
Other bitch, get out of here.
276
00:11:16,846 --> 00:11:18,320
We got to talk about the show.
277
00:11:18,373 --> 00:11:20,413
I am all over it, Sam.
278
00:11:20,448 --> 00:11:21,944
I have a press release ready to go.
279
00:11:21,979 --> 00:11:23,767
It's a secret show!
280
00:11:24,116 --> 00:11:25,300
No press release.
281
00:11:25,335 --> 00:11:26,725
No industry whispers.
282
00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:30,798
Um... then how will
people find out about it?
283
00:11:30,833 --> 00:11:34,708
Real ballers' fans find out
clandestine style and shit.
284
00:11:34,743 --> 00:11:35,971
Fetty Wap at the El Rey.
285
00:11:36,013 --> 00:11:37,963
Schoolboy Q on the roof of The Standard.
286
00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:40,639
Young Thug at Sufjan
Steven's broth restaurant.
287
00:11:40,674 --> 00:11:42,507
No press. All packed.
288
00:11:42,586 --> 00:11:44,824
Okay, but that's not actually how it works.
289
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,814
Gretch! No!
290
00:11:46,889 --> 00:11:48,682
It has to be pure.
291
00:11:48,717 --> 00:11:50,383
It's a point of pride.
292
00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:53,239
Prove to the world we ain't never slipped.
293
00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:55,430
- (knocking)
- Hello?
294
00:11:57,197 --> 00:11:58,396
Hi.
295
00:11:58,463 --> 00:11:59,967
I was just babysitting next door,
296
00:12:00,002 --> 00:12:03,503
and I got bored watching
Hulu, like we millennials do.
297
00:12:03,632 --> 00:12:05,853
Oh, hi. Come in.
298
00:12:05,888 --> 00:12:08,672
Geez, nice place.
299
00:12:08,707 --> 00:12:11,708
Reminds me of my piano teacher's house.
300
00:12:12,057 --> 00:12:14,748
Sometimes we sit too close
to each other on the bench,
301
00:12:14,814 --> 00:12:16,417
and our side-butts touch.
302
00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:18,468
It's ac... it's actually
my friend Jimmy's house.
303
00:12:18,559 --> 00:12:20,085
He let me sleep here
because I was homeless...
304
00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:21,347
Dude, this is fantasy.
305
00:12:21,412 --> 00:12:22,933
Oh, right. Uh... (scoffs)
306
00:12:23,004 --> 00:12:24,311
Yeah, this is my house.
307
00:12:24,346 --> 00:12:26,993
Which I bought with a
mortgage... money loan.
308
00:12:27,028 --> 00:12:29,922
Yeah, well, I just moved to
town to be a YouTube star.
309
00:12:29,957 --> 00:12:32,942
Don't you love my widdle baby voice, Daddy?
310
00:12:32,977 --> 00:12:33,984
Whoa.
311
00:12:34,070 --> 00:12:35,642
Oh, shit. Sorry.
312
00:12:37,831 --> 00:12:39,270
(deep voice): Hey, troopmate.
313
00:12:39,305 --> 00:12:42,524
What happens in the foxhole
stays in the foxhole, right?
314
00:12:42,763 --> 00:12:45,728
Shit. Sorry. Ugh. I'm not very
good at this, which is weird,
315
00:12:45,778 --> 00:12:48,190
because my character work
is what got me very close
316
00:12:48,225 --> 00:12:51,206
on three different basic cable
hidden camera prank shows.
317
00:12:51,241 --> 00:12:52,186
Let's try again.
318
00:12:52,288 --> 00:12:54,254
No, no. It-It's okay.
319
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:56,144
Is it me?
320
00:12:57,269 --> 00:12:59,437
Is this because I farted in
front of you the other day?
321
00:12:59,472 --> 00:13:03,376
Some of my new medications
apparently can have
322
00:13:03,457 --> 00:13:06,873
libido-interfering characteristics.
323
00:13:06,955 --> 00:13:08,788
Well, can't you just
get them to switch them?
324
00:13:08,823 --> 00:13:10,490
They have been switching them
325
00:13:10,638 --> 00:13:12,622
and switching them and switching
them and switching them.
326
00:13:12,657 --> 00:13:15,181
Well, your body probably
just has to get used to it.
327
00:13:15,719 --> 00:13:17,340
I mean, they wouldn't have
you on something that makes you
328
00:13:17,407 --> 00:13:20,058
- unable to have sex forever.
- Of course not.
329
00:13:20,093 --> 00:13:22,007
And, until you figure it
out, there's probably a pill
330
00:13:22,042 --> 00:13:23,856
- you could take...
- No, I'm not taking another pill.
331
00:13:24,039 --> 00:13:27,960
I can't keep taking more pills and
more pills and more pills, okay?
332
00:13:27,995 --> 00:13:29,088
Never mind. I'm sorry.
333
00:13:29,123 --> 00:13:30,990
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
334
00:13:33,675 --> 00:13:35,127
It's just hard.
335
00:13:35,162 --> 00:13:37,993
No, it's not. (chuckles) Bad, Dorothy.
336
00:13:41,762 --> 00:13:45,962
(record scratching, hip-hop music playing)
337
00:13:45,997 --> 00:13:48,443
This door list is as white as your ass!
338
00:13:48,514 --> 00:13:51,047
Where's all the goddamn
people on this bitch, bitch?
339
00:13:51,082 --> 00:13:52,611
You told me not to publicize it!
340
00:13:52,661 --> 00:13:54,734
To normal people, stupid!
341
00:13:54,820 --> 00:13:57,103
Where's all the media
dudes and the influencers?
342
00:13:57,138 --> 00:13:58,699
Our actor and athlete fans?
343
00:13:58,734 --> 00:14:01,747
Where the hell is CP3 and Marcelo Huertas
344
00:14:01,782 --> 00:14:04,042
- and Bradley Cooper?
- Bradley Cooper loves us!
345
00:14:04,077 --> 00:14:06,578
We got hella wasted with dude
backstage of Elephant Man.
346
00:14:06,613 --> 00:14:07,326
- You remember that?
- Mm-hmm.
347
00:14:07,361 --> 00:14:09,109
Where is Bradley Cooper, Gretch?
348
00:14:09,144 --> 00:14:10,532
Where is Bradley Cooper?!
349
00:14:10,567 --> 00:14:12,401
You forbade me from inviting anyone!
350
00:14:12,483 --> 00:14:14,100
Not important people!
351
00:14:14,147 --> 00:14:16,972
I hate you! This is sabotage!
352
00:14:17,035 --> 00:14:20,308
Quick! Social media tsunami!
353
00:14:20,343 --> 00:14:22,722
(growling)
354
00:14:22,757 --> 00:14:24,658
(keys clacking)
355
00:14:24,715 --> 00:14:26,742
Yo. What's up, fans?
356
00:14:26,777 --> 00:14:29,966
It's your boy, Sam. Come
down to the Smear, now.
357
00:14:30,001 --> 00:14:33,046
Secret show. Hella shrimps!
358
00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:33,985
I love you.
359
00:14:34,020 --> 00:14:36,217
It's no use. We only got 20 minutes!
360
00:14:36,264 --> 00:14:40,546
I cannot have snaps of an empty-ass
show all over the Internet!
361
00:14:41,788 --> 00:14:43,308
Get bodies in here.
362
00:14:43,385 --> 00:14:44,764
I don't care how!
363
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:45,783
Shit!
364
00:14:46,673 --> 00:14:47,919
(groans loudly)
365
00:14:48,004 --> 00:14:50,388
And don't forget Bradley Cooper!
366
00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:53,895
Ooh, ooh...
367
00:14:53,958 --> 00:14:55,093
Lindsay.
368
00:14:55,178 --> 00:14:57,563
(chuckles)
369
00:14:57,691 --> 00:15:00,221
You look positively ethereal.
370
00:15:00,274 --> 00:15:03,119
I am so excited
371
00:15:03,189 --> 00:15:08,788
to open my special prize and find
out what we're doing tonight. Hmm?
372
00:15:09,497 --> 00:15:10,771
(squeaks)
373
00:15:14,601 --> 00:15:16,007
- _
- "Red Napkin"?
374
00:15:16,057 --> 00:15:17,223
(chuckles)
375
00:15:21,431 --> 00:15:23,857
Paul, this dress doesn't have a butt.
376
00:15:23,892 --> 00:15:26,247
(chuckles) It's an apron.
377
00:15:26,282 --> 00:15:27,417
A Napron?
378
00:15:27,475 --> 00:15:30,879
Red Napkin is the finest in
seasonal, pre-portioned meals
379
00:15:30,914 --> 00:15:34,799
delivered fresh, thrice weekly,
that you cook at home together.
380
00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:36,681
My present is cooking?
381
00:15:36,744 --> 00:15:38,135
Cooking as a family.
382
00:15:38,213 --> 00:15:39,704
Family.
383
00:15:39,739 --> 00:15:41,584
- You don't seem excited.
- I thought you were
384
00:15:41,619 --> 00:15:44,410
taking me out, like a fun party date.
385
00:15:44,449 --> 00:15:47,262
We can't party anymore. You're pregnant.
386
00:15:47,314 --> 00:15:48,611
Like we talked about.
387
00:15:48,708 --> 00:15:52,358
This is the next phase of our life.
388
00:15:52,393 --> 00:15:54,220
And we both want that.
389
00:16:04,874 --> 00:16:07,075
(group singing in Spanish)
390
00:16:25,271 --> 00:16:27,521
(whispering)
391
00:16:34,928 --> 00:16:38,255
_
392
00:16:38,666 --> 00:16:41,081
_
393
00:16:41,185 --> 00:16:42,665
_
394
00:16:42,781 --> 00:16:44,336
_
395
00:16:45,726 --> 00:16:47,773
_
396
00:16:47,924 --> 00:16:49,798
_
397
00:16:51,107 --> 00:16:53,456
_
398
00:16:53,778 --> 00:16:58,073
_
399
00:16:58,586 --> 00:17:01,211
_
400
00:17:02,685 --> 00:17:05,740
_
401
00:17:05,936 --> 00:17:08,613
_
402
00:17:08,750 --> 00:17:09,862
Oh.
403
00:17:09,981 --> 00:17:10,999
_
404
00:17:11,446 --> 00:17:15,736
_
405
00:17:15,902 --> 00:17:22,402
_
406
00:17:22,745 --> 00:17:25,243
_
407
00:17:26,664 --> 00:17:28,844
_
408
00:17:29,665 --> 00:17:35,136
_
409
00:17:35,464 --> 00:17:37,545
_
410
00:17:37,857 --> 00:17:40,572
_
411
00:17:40,607 --> 00:17:42,507
(crowd murmuring)
412
00:17:42,588 --> 00:17:43,809
_
413
00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:47,966
_
414
00:17:48,001 --> 00:17:49,814
_
415
00:17:49,849 --> 00:17:51,374
(crowd murmuring)
416
00:17:51,409 --> 00:17:55,998
_
417
00:17:56,657 --> 00:18:01,817
_
418
00:18:01,867 --> 00:18:04,199
- Gracias. Gracias, mi hija.
- Gracias.
419
00:18:04,234 --> 00:18:05,783
(crowd murmuring)
420
00:18:05,869 --> 00:18:09,195
(group singing in Spanish)
421
00:18:09,230 --> 00:18:10,850
You speak Spanish?
422
00:18:10,910 --> 00:18:12,571
Who doesn't speak Spanish?
423
00:18:12,605 --> 00:18:15,357
Me. Edgar.
424
00:18:15,472 --> 00:18:17,213
Look, Jimmy, if you're that freaked out,
425
00:18:17,264 --> 00:18:20,252
we can just unsay it, okay? Poof! Unsaid.
426
00:18:20,287 --> 00:18:22,374
I'm not gonna start pretending.
427
00:18:22,437 --> 00:18:24,103
I might as well start
pretending there's a person
428
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:28,059
who lives in the clouds who cares
whether we survive cancer or not.
429
00:18:28,094 --> 00:18:30,497
We are strangers, Gretchen.
430
00:18:30,532 --> 00:18:32,193
Bullshit. We know each other.
431
00:18:32,228 --> 00:18:33,873
Well, not really.
432
00:18:33,912 --> 00:18:36,971
We live together, we trust, blindly.
433
00:18:37,006 --> 00:18:39,882
But it's based on what?
It's actual madness,
434
00:18:39,917 --> 00:18:42,765
willingly living with a wild
animal but one with thumbs
435
00:18:42,848 --> 00:18:46,271
who can steal your money
and hurt you emotionally.
436
00:18:46,306 --> 00:18:50,566
So what changed? Why are you
suddenly so freaked out now?
437
00:18:50,632 --> 00:18:51,362
(gasps)
438
00:18:51,448 --> 00:18:53,639
What? I don't like that. Stop doing that!
439
00:18:53,709 --> 00:18:56,827
That's why you've been
asking me questions all day?
440
00:18:56,915 --> 00:18:58,845
You never cared enough to ask before.
441
00:18:58,916 --> 00:19:00,099
Sam was right.
442
00:19:00,148 --> 00:19:02,710
You are showing me, not telling me.
443
00:19:02,745 --> 00:19:05,396
Listen, those words...
444
00:19:05,469 --> 00:19:07,593
they're like a-a verbal contract.
445
00:19:07,628 --> 00:19:08,896
They're a promise.
446
00:19:08,940 --> 00:19:11,473
And I am not ready to make that promise.
447
00:19:11,552 --> 00:19:14,635
If "I love you" is like a promise,
448
00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:18,446
it's just a promise
to, like, try real hard.
449
00:19:18,481 --> 00:19:19,825
Doesn't mean you can't fail.
450
00:19:19,860 --> 00:19:21,004
It doesn't?
451
00:19:21,066 --> 00:19:23,311
Have you met me? The only way I can stomach
452
00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:26,172
any of this is knowing I
can just bail at any time.
453
00:19:26,207 --> 00:19:27,569
We can just... bail?
454
00:19:27,626 --> 00:19:30,255
Yeah. I always have one foot out the door.
455
00:19:30,321 --> 00:19:31,817
With everything.
456
00:19:31,928 --> 00:19:34,122
Especially with us.
457
00:19:34,224 --> 00:19:36,230
So you might just suddenly bounce?
458
00:19:36,265 --> 00:19:37,635
Any minute.
459
00:19:38,568 --> 00:19:40,058
I love you.
460
00:19:40,831 --> 00:19:42,013
Jimmy.
461
00:19:42,634 --> 00:19:44,693
(chuckles)
462
00:19:45,933 --> 00:19:48,543
- Come here.
- (chuckles)
463
00:19:50,170 --> 00:19:54,092
464
00:19:54,166 --> 00:19:55,249
Listen,
465
00:19:55,332 --> 00:19:57,526
I'm sorry for earlier. I reacted badly.
466
00:19:57,599 --> 00:19:58,535
Nah, you didn't.
467
00:19:58,587 --> 00:20:01,936
Yes, I did. And I'm sorry.
468
00:20:01,986 --> 00:20:02,877
Thank you.
469
00:20:02,938 --> 00:20:06,147
'Cause, honestly, your
health is all that matters.
470
00:20:06,198 --> 00:20:08,973
We can just, like, have
a nontraditional thing.
471
00:20:09,020 --> 00:20:10,134
What do you mean?
472
00:20:10,233 --> 00:20:12,618
We don't have to have penetrative sex.
473
00:20:12,688 --> 00:20:14,469
You know, you can just
go down on me for hours,
474
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:15,723
- like earlier.
- (chuckles)
475
00:20:15,758 --> 00:20:18,617
Ha-ha. Or we can get one of those sex toys
476
00:20:18,672 --> 00:20:20,336
that looks like a dolphin.
477
00:20:20,371 --> 00:20:21,133
Anyway,
478
00:20:21,179 --> 00:20:25,650
I am in this, regardless of limitations
or what we can't do anymore. Okay?
479
00:20:31,381 --> 00:20:32,744
Thank you.
480
00:20:33,716 --> 00:20:35,676
I have to hit the restroom.
481
00:20:35,762 --> 00:20:37,004
Okay.
482
00:20:38,238 --> 00:20:40,422
483
00:21:00,749 --> 00:21:04,551
(hip-hop music playing)
484
00:21:06,468 --> 00:21:10,068
I'm Steph Curry rapping,
getting digit, loads of paper
485
00:21:10,103 --> 00:21:13,428
Sippin' martinis, snuffin',
huffin' giga-loads of vapor
486
00:21:13,517 --> 00:21:15,459
-
Don Draper
-
Paper palace
487
00:21:15,509 --> 00:21:16,865
Your house is all papyrus
488
00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:20,308
House of cards falling down,
round somebody killed Osiris
489
00:21:20,343 --> 00:21:21,842
-
Medicare, Medicaid
- (kids giggling)
490
00:21:21,879 --> 00:21:23,959
And all social services
491
00:21:23,994 --> 00:21:26,035
Nervous kid, I'll show
your nervous grandma
492
00:21:26,070 --> 00:21:27,287
Just what nervous is
493
00:21:27,322 --> 00:21:30,106
Shit-talking cops like
my name was Mel Gibson
494
00:21:30,143 --> 00:21:33,827
Sugar tits, honey dip,
choosy bitches prefer Tiffany
495
00:21:33,862 --> 00:21:37,276
I'm so sky high while
my mind's eye is boozy
496
00:21:37,324 --> 00:21:40,436
I deserve to be blown
before the Jacuzzi
497
00:21:40,471 --> 00:21:43,750
I deserve to be blown
before the Jacuzzi
498
00:21:43,847 --> 00:21:47,128
I deserve to be blown
before the Jacuzzi
499
00:21:47,244 --> 00:21:50,727
I deserve to be blown
before the Jacuzzi.
500
00:21:50,762 --> 00:21:51,994
(music ends)
501
00:21:52,062 --> 00:21:54,562
- (whoops)
- (scattered applause)
502
00:21:54,637 --> 00:21:56,203
Now, as y'all know,
503
00:21:56,492 --> 00:21:59,167
me and these fools were beefin'.
504
00:21:59,218 --> 00:22:01,724
But squabbles is normal in a family.
505
00:22:01,759 --> 00:22:05,044
So during that time, we wrote a song
506
00:22:05,171 --> 00:22:07,497
that really speaks to the
soul of friendship in this
507
00:22:07,581 --> 00:22:09,557
incendiary cultural time.
508
00:22:09,592 --> 00:22:13,635
It's called "New Phone, Who Dis?"
509
00:22:16,105 --> 00:22:19,332
- (record scratching)
- Where's that simple-ass white bitch at?!
510
00:22:19,448 --> 00:22:20,421
White bitch!
511
00:22:20,456 --> 00:22:22,123
(record scratches)
512
00:22:22,242 --> 00:22:24,023
MAN (recorded): Here's the classic sound
513
00:22:24,088 --> 00:22:26,812
- of the red-winged blackbird.
- (bird chirping)
514
00:22:26,906 --> 00:22:29,309
For our first meal,
dear wife, we are having
515
00:22:29,383 --> 00:22:32,481
hominy and poblano pepper posole,
516
00:22:32,516 --> 00:22:35,096
with a warm mushroom
salad and rhubarb grits.
517
00:22:35,145 --> 00:22:38,297
- Now, the chatters of a house wren.
- (bird chirping)
518
00:22:38,332 --> 00:22:41,669
I picked up a demi-bottle
of Gewurztraminer.
519
00:22:41,704 --> 00:22:44,470
Obviously, you can't have
any, so I SodaStreamed
520
00:22:44,505 --> 00:22:48,484
some sparkling water with yuzu for you-zu.
521
00:22:48,518 --> 00:22:51,548
Eastern meadowlarks came
to nest in our yard...
522
00:22:51,589 --> 00:22:52,861
PAUL: Interesting fact:
523
00:22:52,895 --> 00:22:54,845
did you know an average ear of corn
524
00:22:54,908 --> 00:22:56,998
has an even number of rows,
525
00:22:57,048 --> 00:22:58,607
usually 16?
526
00:22:58,642 --> 00:23:01,491
And humans have 32 teeth.
527
00:23:01,525 --> 00:23:04,146
How's that for intra-kingdom synergy?
528
00:23:04,250 --> 00:23:07,450
I'm so happy I get to do
this with you forever, wife.
529
00:23:08,755 --> 00:23:11,910
We have menus for the
next six months already.
530
00:23:11,945 --> 00:23:14,160
Thus, there are no surprises,
531
00:23:14,194 --> 00:23:15,076
ever.
532
00:23:15,111 --> 00:23:16,379
Okay, let's see.
533
00:23:16,453 --> 00:23:19,788
Menu number two is jerk
venison with smashed yams...
534
00:23:19,823 --> 00:23:24,168
- (whimpers quietly)
- ...and garlic-ginger okra. Yum!
535
00:23:24,202 --> 00:23:28,390
Lastly, we have the warbles
of an American goldfinch.
536
00:23:28,425 --> 00:23:30,297
- (bird chirping)
- (echoing): Meal number three is
537
00:23:30,363 --> 00:23:33,882
gomasio-spiced parsnip soup...
538
00:23:34,010 --> 00:23:36,010
(grunts)
539
00:23:36,398 --> 00:23:37,686
(exhales)
540
00:23:40,292 --> 00:23:43,298
(screaming)
541
00:23:43,335 --> 00:23:47,881
When I first met you, baby
542
00:23:47,916 --> 00:23:50,662
You were floating
543
00:23:50,696 --> 00:23:52,774
Up above
544
00:23:55,721 --> 00:23:56,700
I thought...
545
00:23:56,750 --> 00:24:01,300
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